Armchair Anonymous: Swingers

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchaired Anonymous.

[4] Ooh, spooky.

[5] This is a sexy episode, although not super sexy.

[6] I was hoping for a lot of pornographic detail.

[7] You were.

[8] I was.

[9] No, it's still great.

[10] I'm just owning my perversion.

[11] In fact, I'd like to do a second round of it where it's like not just have you accidentally found yourself in a swing or situation, but you've swang.

[12] I kind of want to hear those stories as well.

[13] Are those two pornographic?

[14] I mean, I think it's going to invite false stories personally.

[15] But you always think that.

[16] No, I think we're doing a good job of monitoring what we're doing.

[17] Okay.

[18] And also, I've never heard an intro that's less supportive of the thing you're about to hear.

[19] No, is this fantastic.

[20] Listen, I'm honest.

[21] That's what you've come to expect.

[22] It's what I love.

[23] Okay, listen, the question to remind people is, have you ever accidentally found yourself in a swinger's situation?

[24] And we have three incredible stories, for sure.

[25] They're wonderful.

[26] And they're informative to teach you how to get in or out.

[27] Get in or out.

[28] Mostly out.

[29] Yeah.

[30] Okay.

[31] We'll workshop the idea.

[32] I have a story or two.

[33] I could share if that made everyone more comfortable.

[34] I'm sure that would make everyone more uncomfortable.

[35] Okay.

[36] All right.

[37] Please enjoy swingers.

[38] These are great.

[39] And the people we talk to were so much fun and again.

[40] We love doing this.

[41] That's the greatest.

[42] Enjoy.

[43] Hello.

[44] Hi.

[45] Hi.

[46] Nice to meet you.

[47] Nice to meet you.

[48] Nice to meet you.

[49] Where are you at?

[50] So I'm in Greece right now.

[51] I'm on my honeymoon.

[52] Oh, my God.

[53] Ding, ding, ding.

[54] We've talked to four people today, and you're the second person who is on their honeymoon.

[55] That's crazy.

[56] Oh, my gosh.

[57] That's amazing.

[58] Tis the season.

[59] How's Greece?

[60] It's amazing.

[61] It's so beautiful.

[62] What kind of person did you marry?

[63] He's really great.

[64] Yeah.

[65] We like that.

[66] I like to hear that.

[67] If you can't say that on your honeymoon, you're doomed.

[68] I hope he's great, at least right.

[69] now.

[70] So you have a swinger situation story, which is exciting, and did it involve your now husband?

[71] No, thankfully.

[72] But as I was explaining to him how I found myself in the situation, it occurred to me that this story also met another one of your prompts.

[73] Oh, wow.

[74] We love a double up.

[75] Yeah.

[76] It's also someone that I fell in love with that I was not supposed to fall in love with.

[77] Okay.

[78] Juicy, juicy, juicy.

[79] It's salacious, yeah.

[80] Oh, wonderful.

[81] That's our favorite.

[82] Okay.

[83] So about 10 years ago, I was married to a completely different person.

[84] It was a terrible marriage.

[85] It lasted not even a year.

[86] But during that time, I fell in love with my high school sweetheart's older brother.

[87] Oh.

[88] Whoa.

[89] Awesome.

[90] Okay.

[91] Your high school sweetheart's older brother.

[92] I've got it.

[93] over like Facebook or something you reconnected?

[94] Oh, I need to preface all of this.

[95] This was way before I got sober.

[96] I got sober in 2014.

[97] Congrats.

[98] Thank you so much.

[99] No introspective work whatsoever yet.

[100] No time for it.

[101] Yeah.

[102] Having too good of a good time.

[103] Too much fun.

[104] Yeah.

[105] My high school boyfriend, he invited me to a Neil Young show and I just saw his brother.

[106] And I was very drunk, but I was like, oh, I'm in love.

[107] I love this man. So I walk up to him and I'm like, I'm in love with you.

[108] And he was like, you're crazy.

[109] You're married and you dated my brother.

[110] And I was like, all right.

[111] I just had to shoot my shots.

[112] And now you know how I feel.

[113] And this is the section I'll be in.

[114] This is the seat I have.

[115] So just let me know if you have a change of heart.

[116] Have you a change of heart?

[117] I just walked away.

[118] And sure enough, throughout the show, he came up and he's like, wait, are you serious?

[119] And I was like, yep.

[120] You had obviously seen him around when you were dating his younger brother.

[121] Yeah, well, he was in the Marines for most of the time that his brother and I dated.

[122] And then he did a brief stint in jail.

[123] Oh, my kind of guy, yeah.

[124] Yeah, there's not a lot of overlappage there.

[125] So I was justifying it.

[126] Yeah, it sounds all on the up and up to me. Okay, so he's starting to rethink it.

[127] He is having a change of heart throughout the show.

[128] There's certain songs that are getting him.

[129] Like, oh, man, take a look at my life.

[130] I'm a lie like you.

[131] And he's like, yeah, I need someone to hold me the whole night.

[132] through.

[133] All one look in your eye and I can tell it's true.

[134] It all was making sense.

[135] Yeah.

[136] So my marriage ends.

[137] We started baiting.

[138] I'm reintroduced to his family who I know very well.

[139] And they're like, okay.

[140] Like, this is very weird.

[141] But we like you.

[142] So hopefully this works out.

[143] And how's the ex -boyfriend handling it?

[144] He knew.

[145] He was like, have fun.

[146] We were a ticking time bomb.

[147] Right, right.

[148] We dated for a few months.

[149] And during this time, he did not.

[150] He did not.

[151] have a license.

[152] He had a hard time finding a job.

[153] So at the time that we ran into these swingers, we had this weekly date where he would get dropped off at this bar.

[154] I would finish work a few hours after he would get dropped off.

[155] And this was something that we did every Friday night.

[156] And then I would drive home.

[157] I was sort of looking at it like, oh, this is our cute little standing date.

[158] But now looking back, I'm like, oh, I was the way home.

[159] That's a therapy realization.

[160] This particular evening, I'm working and I keep getting these texts like, hey, babe, you got to hurry up.

[161] You got to come to this bar.

[162] I met this amazing couple.

[163] They're so much fun.

[164] They can't wait to meet you.

[165] They ask to see a picture of you.

[166] Oh, my God.

[167] That's cute.

[168] I was really just chalking it up to like, wow, he's proud of me. He's like showing them my picture.

[169] It's adorable.

[170] So I hurry up and get there and I walk in and I just see him sitting at this table with two 60 -year -olds.

[171] Oh, my God.

[172] And you're in your 20s at that time?

[173] Yes.

[174] 40 -year gap, okay.

[175] The guy, he looked like Tim Allen and dog the bounty hunter combined.

[176] Okay.

[177] And the woman looks like Stevie Nix.

[178] Oh, I know these people.

[179] This is also a Detroit bar scene.

[180] I got them.

[181] Yeah, and really laid back neighborhood bar.

[182] Definitely not like a swinger vibe, not a bar you go to to meet people.

[183] You come with your crew.

[184] There's a big buck hunter in the corner, you know, this big place.

[185] the guns.

[186] There's the jukebox, mediocre food.

[187] And I'm getting like a mentor vibe.

[188] The guy has his arm around his neck and he's like, I'll tell you a thing or two here.

[189] You know, and I'm just like, oh, all right.

[190] They're just really jiving on whatever they connected on.

[191] And they are hours ahead of me in drinking.

[192] They're hammered.

[193] Yeah.

[194] Oh my gosh.

[195] Totally.

[196] And the woman, she grunted at me. She barely even spoke to me. She wasn't slumped in her chair, but she was sort of like shark eyes.

[197] Or have ever been around someone who took an ambient but decided to stay awake?

[198] Oh, yeah.

[199] Mm -hmm.

[200] Yep.

[201] Yeah.

[202] What a specific visual.

[203] Push through, yeah.

[204] I'm content here just sitting back watching this budding friendship and me and this woman not communicating at all.

[205] Like, I was totally fine with that.

[206] And they are arm and arm back and and forth to the jukebox playing Eric Clapton, Neil Young.

[207] Bob Seeger.

[208] Yeah, yeah.

[209] They're like screaming Pearl Jam.

[210] There's a shot with every beer.

[211] And I'm like, should I try to catch up?

[212] I'm trying.

[213] I'm just not getting there.

[214] So I'm like, you know what?

[215] Let's get going.

[216] And they're like, why don't you come back to our house?

[217] Okay.

[218] Before I could even say like, we're good.

[219] My partner at the time, he's like, can we?

[220] I'm like, no way.

[221] This is insane.

[222] He's very much a control freak, not open -minded, not adventurous.

[223] His idea of adventure is like going to Chili's or Applebee's on like a Saturday night.

[224] He's met a father figure or something.

[225] Something important is happening in his mind.

[226] Yeah.

[227] And he leans in.

[228] He's like, he offered me a job.

[229] I'm mainly concerned about being murdered.

[230] I'm not just picking up on any sexual vibe at all.

[231] So I'm like, you know what?

[232] I've got to do some sort of due diligence.

[233] So I'm like, can I have your names?

[234] And I put them in Facebook.

[235] And we have some mutual friends.

[236] So I'm like, okay.

[237] Like, at least I know people that know you.

[238] Right.

[239] So I'm like, what's your address?

[240] And they're like, oh, actually, can you just follow us?

[241] We just want to make sure you get there safely.

[242] What?

[243] That's so strange.

[244] And they're like, yeah, it's very complicated, but GPS might take you a different way.

[245] And then you'll be lost.

[246] And there's not really good cell service.

[247] And I'm like, this is insane.

[248] And my boyfriend was like, please.

[249] He told me he has like every CD.

[250] Oh, my God.

[251] This is only 10 years ago.

[252] CD.

[253] CD.

[254] I'm like, okay, all right.

[255] So we follow them in 20, 30 minutes out of the way from our house.

[256] We go down this long, winding driveway, pull up to this sprawling property, beautiful house.

[257] Oh, good.

[258] They have money.

[259] Yeah, and he's a master carpenter.

[260] Everything's beautiful, built -ins, and they're like, this is where you'll be staying.

[261] You'll be staying.

[262] Yeah, this is forever.

[263] Where you live now.

[264] Sure enough, there's a million CDs.

[265] He's a man of his world.

[266] word.

[267] And they're dancing and drinking and I'm looking around.

[268] I'm like, oh, who's that in that photo?

[269] Oh, those are our children.

[270] Okay.

[271] I'm finally starting to relax thinking this is a safe environment.

[272] So I start drinking with them the level and the pace that they're drinking.

[273] I start to feel buzz and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.

[274] I'm just sitting on the toilet pee.

[275] And my boyfriend runs in completely red.

[276] Oh my God.

[277] Oh, my God.

[278] Oh, my God.

[279] We have to go.

[280] And I'm like, why?

[281] Why do have to leave.

[282] We can't leave.

[283] We're in the middle of nowhere.

[284] I'm wasted now.

[285] Yeah.

[286] He's like, they want to have sex with us.

[287] And I was like, no, they don't.

[288] Like, what made you think that this woman still has barely spoke to me?

[289] She's like got a paralysis a little bit.

[290] She's maybe a little comatose.

[291] In hindsight, she did come in and started lighting candles and she was throwing scarves around.

[292] She's just whimsical.

[293] I don't know, you know.

[294] Oh, my God.

[295] He's like, no, we were standing in the kitchen.

[296] And he pulled her shirt.

[297] up to expose her.

[298] And then he started pulling her pants down and you reached down into her pants.

[299] And I'm like, no, he did not.

[300] Maybe they were just huddling and you're just uncomfortable.

[301] I walk out of the bathroom.

[302] Sure enough, she has her shirt completely up.

[303] And he is standing behind her like power stance with both hands down the front of her pants.

[304] Oh.

[305] Like he was digging for loose change.

[306] Oh my God.

[307] Still no expression at all, which was the creepiest part.

[308] Oh my God.

[309] Oh my God.

[310] And my boyfriend was so upset.

[311] Like, he was almost in tears.

[312] So I'm like, oh, we'll be right back.

[313] So I usher him up the spiral staircase.

[314] And he's reeking out.

[315] He falls on his hand.

[316] So he gets up and he's like, oh, my gosh, my hand hurts so bad.

[317] I want to get out of here.

[318] I don't know if you.

[319] I'm like, just chill.

[320] Just relax.

[321] You're really blowing this out of proportion.

[322] It's not that big of a deal.

[323] So I bring him up to the bedroom.

[324] I'm like, just stay here.

[325] I'll go down.

[326] I'll get this over with.

[327] I'll fuck them both.

[328] You go to bed.

[329] Take one for the team.

[330] Get you that job.

[331] So I go down and she's dressed again.

[332] I'm like, I'm so sorry if there's any miscommunication.

[333] And the guy's like, yeah, I really thought we had something there.

[334] He and my boyfriend was like, oh, me too.

[335] He's such a nerd.

[336] They're like, no problem.

[337] But I'm like, I'm so curious.

[338] I'm fascinated by this.

[339] I feel completely fun.

[340] I know that you're not going to do anything beyond asking for our consent.

[341] So can I ask you a few questions?

[342] And they're like, sure, we sat down and I asked them, how does it normally go?

[343] And he did say normally they have people that come over and it's like a planned thing.

[344] And sometimes it's parties and there's multiple couples and you can partake if you want.

[345] If you're not feeling it, you don't have to.

[346] But it's rarely sporadic like that.

[347] He just said, like, I was getting.

[348] such strong vibes from your partners.

[349] Yeah, this is spidey senses.

[350] We're tingling.

[351] So I go to open the door to go back up to the staircase and he's sitting on the other side of the door and his finger is broken.

[352] It's swollen and he's crying like real tears and I'm trying so hard not to laugh.

[353] I'm never going to get a job.

[354] And my finger, I can't even work with this man because he wants to have sex with me. Oh, my God.

[355] A lot of life questions were coming up.

[356] Oh, boy.

[357] Did you sleep there?

[358] I barely slept there.

[359] I barely slept.

[360] We just woke up the crack of dawn and got out of there.

[361] And he was not laughing.

[362] I was laughing so hard the entire way home.

[363] Wow.

[364] That's the thing.

[365] Like, we're glad we're sober.

[366] And then also, thank God you had just a little bit of wildness.

[367] Yeah.

[368] And Monash, I wanted to tell you, he's the only person I ever walked into a glass door in front of.

[369] I was at a fancy hotel, fully naked, trying to be all sexy.

[370] Oh, wow.

[371] Oh, like right into the door.

[372] And then when this happened, I was like, you know what?

[373] I don't feel so bad.

[374] Yeah, exactly.

[375] You still have the upper hand.

[376] Monica, what have you done that nude?

[377] No, I mean, I would have killed myself.

[378] Rapidly jumped off the balcony of the hotel.

[379] Yeah, exactly.

[380] Oh, wow.

[381] Well, that was a great story.

[382] That was a ride.

[383] When I went to break up with this person, I went to his parents' house, and I said, I'm sorry.

[384] the things aren't going to work out with me and your son.

[385] And the dad said, I'm really sorry.

[386] I don't have any more sons for you.

[387] Well, what's up with you?

[388] How locked into this marriage are you?

[389] Oh, boy.

[390] Well, congratulations on your nuptials and also being in Greece.

[391] I hope you enjoy the rest of your time there.

[392] It was really fun to get to talk to you.

[393] Be well.

[394] Thanks.

[395] up guys, it's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good, and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[396] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation, and I don't mean just friends, I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[397] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[398] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast.

[399] We've all been there.

[400] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable.

[401] pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[402] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[403] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[404] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[405] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[406] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[407] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[408] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[409] Hello.

[410] Hi, guys.

[411] How are you?

[412] I'm good.

[413] How are you guys?

[414] Wonderful.

[415] Really good.

[416] Where are you?

[417] I'm in my home.

[418] This is my home office.

[419] It looks very charming looks very monica -esque i like it too i have my own business so it's called the postpartum pantry oh wonderful it's hydrating and nourishing products for the fourth trimester it's pretty new i just launched it in januaries but it's going really well so i have some lactation cookie dough that's probably my biggest product yeah get the milk going can i have some even if i'm not you don't need to get your milk going that's true i have plenty of milk it's packed with protein so it's just like a good snack for anyone.

[420] Nice.

[421] And I'd imagine you started this business because you yourself had children.

[422] Yeah, I have two kids.

[423] So I have an almost four -year -old and a 14 -month -old.

[424] Oh, wow.

[425] Okay.

[426] You found yourself in a little situation, a little swinger -esque situation at some point?

[427] I did.

[428] Yes.

[429] I was so excited when I heard you guys ask this question because I was like, that happened to me. And it's such a crazy, unique situation.

[430] So it was the summer of 2011.

[431] I was a sophomore in college.

[432] I had just turned 20.

[433] I studied anthropology, so fellow anthro major.

[434] Look at that.

[435] You can already see why someone wanted to swing with you.

[436] Continue.

[437] I really wanted to get in the field.

[438] You know, I wanted to travel.

[439] I wanted to experience different culture.

[440] A good stereotype about us anthrom majors is we wanted something weird a little bit, right?

[441] That's why we went into it.

[442] Totally.

[443] We wanted a cultural experience.

[444] And I definitely got one.

[445] Oh my God.

[446] But yeah, so I went to Italy and I chose to do it through this program.

[447] It's called Woof.

[448] And so you work on organic farms.

[449] And in exchange for your labor, they give you room and board.

[450] Oh, wow.

[451] It's a really cool way to travel.

[452] It's a way to be really emerged in a culture, right?

[453] You're living with a family and learning the language firsthand.

[454] So my first family, they are wonderful.

[455] They pick me up at the train station.

[456] It's a couple with two kids.

[457] They've got this small little farm and helping them with very simple tasks.

[458] The garden, the animals, around the stuff with the kids.

[459] It was very uneventful.

[460] But then my boyfriend comes to visit me. And this was planned.

[461] They knew he was coming.

[462] They were very excited for his arrival.

[463] And that's sort of when everything changed.

[464] I can immediately tell my host mom is very interested in him.

[465] Oh, wow.

[466] He's really handsome, sort of a big dude, a college athlete.

[467] So sort of the stereotypical is college American kid in her head.

[468] Yeah, American college football fantasy.

[469] Really quick.

[470] They were Italian, they were Roman Catholic, the whole nine?

[471] They were Italian.

[472] I don't know about their religion, but the whole nine.

[473] Yeah, they did speak English.

[474] So they were very helpful with the language, always translating for me. You know, as I was thinking, like parents, like host parents.

[475] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[476] Until the honk arrives.

[477] So she's just very flirtatious with him.

[478] Always just kind of giggly around him, asking him to do things for her that she definitely didn't need help with.

[479] Kept commenting on how large his hands were just like a little uncomfortable, but kind of funny.

[480] Okay, she's flirting with you, whatever.

[481] They had a main house.

[482] We were living on an apartment that was on their property, but just a little bit of a walk from the main house.

[483] And we always had dinner with them every night, and then we would go back to our place to sleep.

[484] So after dinner one night, they invited us to stay.

[485] They're like, stay for a glass of wine.

[486] Let's really get to know each other.

[487] We'll put the kids to bed.

[488] We'll just sort of hang out.

[489] So we're like, that sounds really fun.

[490] Very adult.

[491] Yeah, let's be adults, you know, have some wine and do the Italian thing.

[492] So they bring us into their living room and they position us in a way that we're not sitting next to each other.

[493] Like, they kind of positioned themselves in between us.

[494] So we can't look at each other or whisper or nudge or anything.

[495] We're essentially alone now in this situation.

[496] And they bring out this photo album.

[497] And this photo album is clearly curated for this specific instance because there was no theme or, you know how photo albums are like, oh, our summer vacation.

[498] Sure.

[499] Chronological.

[500] It was not chronological.

[501] it was just random photos, and I think, looking back, I think the point was seduction.

[502] There's a lot of photos of them kissing, and they're a lot younger than they were at present time, you know.

[503] Can you tell me how old they were year 22 or something?

[504] What did they?

[505] Their kids were elementary school age.

[506] So I would say mid -40s.

[507] The dad, he was grotesque.

[508] He was fine looking.

[509] He was just a dad.

[510] Just a dad, not attractive at all.

[511] Okay, great.

[512] A big guy, sort of unruly, curly hair, very.

[513] hairy chest, just like very hairy is what I remember.

[514] Great.

[515] So there's photos of him clearly trying to model and look cute.

[516] There's photos of her also trying to be in seductive poses.

[517] It was really awkward.

[518] But again, I'm trying so hard to be this like anthropologist and not judge.

[519] I'm trying to be very neutral and just accept it for all that it is.

[520] This is their culture.

[521] This is their culture.

[522] This is what it is.

[523] The weirdest photo was he was like, oh, honey, show them.

[524] them how big your boots were after the kids were born.

[525] And she has a photo of her tandem feeding her kids, breastfeeding with one on each side.

[526] Totally normal thing to do.

[527] And I don't think she was sexualizing that.

[528] I think it was the closest thing she had to a nudie, you know, and she wanted to show us how big her boobs were.

[529] So that was uncomfortable.

[530] But we don't know what to say.

[531] So we're just like, oh, cool, you know, so we're trying to be nice and friendly.

[532] And they put the photo album away, and then they turn on this TV show.

[533] And it's clearly pre -recorded.

[534] It's like from DVR.

[535] You know, they had to go back and find the show.

[536] And it is a sex talk show.

[537] Oh, my God.

[538] They're priming you.

[539] Oh, totally.

[540] They're totally grooming us, trying to feel out how we're responding.

[541] And because up until this point, we have no idea what's going on.

[542] We're just trying to be nice.

[543] And we're like, yeah, yeah, cool.

[544] Let's watch this.

[545] We're acting overly interested because we are so ignorant.

[546] Oblivious, the master plan.

[547] Yeah.

[548] So he's translating the show for us.

[549] So it started out really in a sense.

[550] Oh, she's asking, would they ever kiss a stranger?

[551] What's the craziest thing you've ever done in bed?

[552] Like, it was a weird show.

[553] Certainly nothing like I would ever think to turn on in mixed company.

[554] And then he pauses it and they kind of look at each other and laugh.

[555] And they go, oh, that was a funny one.

[556] That question she just asked that couple was, have they ever swung before?

[557] Do you know what that means?

[558] And I'm just playing dumb.

[559] And I get this like pit in my stomach.

[560] Oh, my God.

[561] They're like, it's when the couples, you know, have sex with you.

[562] each other and switch partners.

[563] And it just all came crashing down in that moment.

[564] It hit me. Holy shit.

[565] They're trying to have sex with us.

[566] It's all orchestrated.

[567] It's all orchestrated.

[568] Oh, my God.

[569] And here I am thinking these are my sweet host parents and they're trying to have sex with this.

[570] So I was so upset.

[571] But also because I was young, I was caught off guard.

[572] I was panic.

[573] There was no ounce of flattery or contemplation like, oh, should we do this?

[574] Italy.

[575] I was not like that at all.

[576] I just panicked.

[577] I got to get us out of here.

[578] And I look over at my boyfriend.

[579] He's two glasses deep.

[580] He's just like giggling.

[581] I think he's totally oblivious.

[582] I'm like, I have to rescue him.

[583] I have to rescue us.

[584] We got to get out of here.

[585] So I've come up with this excuse.

[586] Oh, we're really tired from the workday.

[587] We should go to bed and they're like, no, no, no, stay for a glass of wine.

[588] And I'm like, no, no, this was so fun.

[589] Let's do this again tomorrow.

[590] Let's pick up where we left off.

[591] So much politeness.

[592] Yeah.

[593] I didn't want them to know that I knew anything was up.

[594] So somehow we do.

[595] escape.

[596] We do not have sex with them.

[597] We get outside.

[598] And my boyfriend goes, were they?

[599] And I was like trying to have sex with us.

[600] Yes.

[601] And I think we both felt relieved that the other person, because again, we couldn't look at each other at any point and say, it's weird.

[602] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[603] So initially we're so relieved that we were on the same page.

[604] And then I think the panic set in for both us and he goes, we got to go.

[605] And I'm like, yeah, we do.

[606] Yeah, we got to get out of here.

[607] Yeah.

[608] And we had so much adrenaline on us.

[609] We ran back to our apartment.

[610] We're supposed to be there for another week working on the farm.

[611] He jumps on the computer, books are trained for the next day.

[612] I'm packing our bags.

[613] And we're just like so anxious at this point.

[614] We're coming up all these scenarios.

[615] Oh, they probably have hitting cameras and they're watching it's changed.

[616] Of course.

[617] Yeah, yeah.

[618] And looking back, that's probably the funniest part of it's like we were acting like they were trying to murder us.

[619] They were just a little bored, little pervy, little adventurous.

[620] Exactly.

[621] And I think they had done this before.

[622] Oh, yeah.

[623] Looking back at seeing plans, I'm like, maybe that was a successful situation they were in.

[624] They were trying it again.

[625] But yeah, we just had to get out of there.

[626] So we left first thing the next morning.

[627] We didn't say anything to them.

[628] Just left.

[629] You just got out of there.

[630] Never to be heard from again.

[631] Wow.

[632] Wow.

[633] Did you call the wolf bear or whatever the fuck it was called, the bearhausen, and say, just p .S. These people are DTF.

[634] No, I didn't.

[635] And it's because it's a very, casual program.

[636] So basically you pay this membership and you get a list of all the farms and their descriptions and you contact the farm and you set it up.

[637] They're just a marketplace to connect people.

[638] Exactly.

[639] It didn't really feel like anyone was in charge of the situation, but us.

[640] We woofed again.

[641] After college, we woofed in New Zealand and totally great experience.

[642] But we've met a lot of woofers and there's some crazy stories of what's happened on these farms.

[643] And is that the most common crazy thing is that the hosts want to get down sexually?

[644] I think my story topped a lot of stories.

[645] I heard one.

[646] They're called the whippers, the people who work on the farm.

[647] They dropped them off at a location that wasn't on site with their farm to work in a field somewhere.

[648] And they had sort of like a tent for them.

[649] And they're like, we'll come back and bring you food and stuff.

[650] And they never came back and weren't really feeding them properly.

[651] Like I've heard of really poor living conditions for the woofers.

[652] Like indentured servant more situation.

[653] Basically, yeah, you've got to be careful.

[654] But, you know, in general, the program, especially in New Zealand, was wonderful.

[655] My boyfriend from the story is now my husband.

[656] Oh, wonderful.

[657] I like that.

[658] It's fun because we get to laugh about this a lot and tell the story.

[659] I wish the end was, we've been together that whole time and we're older now, and now we're hosting.

[660] Exactly.

[661] Full circle.

[662] We could probably, we have a little homestead here.

[663] We have our own goats.

[664] and chickens and to garden.

[665] I wouldn't call it a farm, but we do have a little homestead here.

[666] How great.

[667] What a wonderful story.

[668] Thank you so much for telling it to us.

[669] Yes.

[670] Thank you guys so much for doing this.

[671] I'm a huge fan of the podcast.

[672] I'm home a lot baking for my business.

[673] I can't have silence.

[674] So you guys have my first choice always to just have a podcast on in the background.

[675] I get really into whoever you guys interviewed too.

[676] I don't know a lot of them.

[677] And then I end up buying your books and listening to their music.

[678] I'm now like machine gun.

[679] Kelly's biggest fan.

[680] I had never heard of him before the other week and I'm singing I'm in love with an emo girl while I'm like changing diapers and he was lovely.

[681] Yeah, I'm so glad you thought so.

[682] Good luck with your business.

[683] Say it one more time.

[684] What's the name of your business?

[685] It's called the Postpartum Pantry.

[686] The Postpartum Pantry.

[687] All right.

[688] Check it out.

[689] All right.

[690] Well, thanks so much.

[691] Thank you.

[692] Thank you.

[693] Thank you.

[694] So nice to meet you.

[695] Take care.

[696] Hi.

[697] Hey, guys.

[698] How you doing?

[699] Good.

[700] Good.

[701] Good to meet you.

[702] Likewise, it's a pleasure.

[703] So you're on my favorite topic of the many options that were given to armcherrys.

[704] You found yourself in a swinger situation?

[705] I did.

[706] Hold on.

[707] I got to make a prediction, Monica.

[708] We've only spoken to women in this situation, and none of them came to fruition.

[709] But I'm hoping fingers crossed that Chris took the bait.

[710] But we'll find out.

[711] We'll find out.

[712] Okay, we'll find out.

[713] A few years back, my daughter was much younger, and she was in daycare.

[714] We were new to San Antonio.

[715] I'm an Austin native.

[716] You're supposed to go the other direction.

[717] No disrespect to San Antonio.

[718] Like everybody else is.

[719] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[720] As you know, having kiddos yourself, you pick up, drop off, you chit -chat with the parents, make friends.

[721] Oh, I'm excited.

[722] There was one couple.

[723] We would chit -chat with, get to know a little bit, and visit with every now and again.

[724] And one day, we're like, you know what?

[725] Hey, guys, let's grab dinner.

[726] Just kind of put it out there.

[727] We're new to San Antonio.

[728] Let's make some friends.

[729] So we agree.

[730] We both get our kiddos off to respective parents' houses.

[731] So we're free for the evening.

[732] We get dressed up.

[733] We go to this nice steak restaurant.

[734] We're having fun.

[735] We get a round of drinks.

[736] And it's the initial, what do you do?

[737] Where are you from?

[738] And it's you and your wife and another man and woman?

[739] Correct.

[740] Okay, great.

[741] New round of drinks come.

[742] We're getting lucy goosey.

[743] We're having fun.

[744] And the discussion gets more light and casual.

[745] We're laughing.

[746] And the husband kind of out of the blue says, hey, so do you guys ever go to strip clubs together?

[747] Oh, wow.

[748] Oh, that's a nice breaker.

[749] A hard right turn.

[750] And so my wife and I say, no, not really.

[751] I mean, you know, when we're dating, we popped into one just out of curiosity.

[752] And you're trying to shame them, I imagine.

[753] Yeah.

[754] This isn't our thing, but man, go wild.

[755] I'm glad you guys like it.

[756] Exactly.

[757] But it didn't stop there.

[758] He begins to go into, oh, you've got to try it.

[759] We love it.

[760] We love it.

[761] And then the wife is describing, oh, yes, he buys.

[762] me dances and these are the kind of girls that we like to have and I get dances for him and then we like girls big boobs oh yeah okay okay gotcha got you dinner comes we keep talking it's all fun towards the dinner the wife turns to my wife and she says hey do you all ever watch porn together oh my god oh wow wow wow wow wow and my wife she blushes and she's like no No, not something we do.

[763] Just married, just loving it.

[764] Just the old -fashioned.

[765] Just regular Mary.

[766] Yeah, exactly.

[767] And they begin to say, oh, but you got to try it.

[768] So pushy.

[769] Are they telling you their favorite kind of porn to watch?

[770] Yes.

[771] Girl -on -girl typically.

[772] Oh, great.

[773] This theme is arising of, you got to try, you got to try.

[774] So at this stage, I begin to kind of tap my wife.

[775] wife's leg under the table like hey we got to we got to wrap this up so dinner's over we asked for the check and as we're waiting for the check the husband kind of leans in is like guys matter of fact it's what happens we live around the corner from here no way he's like he's like I'm thinking nightcap like a couple cocktails at the house what do you guys say and I began to have my wife's leg furiously under the table.

[776] I'm like, we got a rip cord.

[777] We got to pull this.

[778] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[779] So one of us has to put up a boundary.

[780] Exactly.

[781] So we declined, took a rain check on the nightcap, and, you know, hug, hug, which is fun.

[782] Thanks for having us.

[783] We'll do it again sometime soon.

[784] Get the girls together.

[785] They can play.

[786] Oh, hey.

[787] Not likely.

[788] Right.

[789] And so we get into our car and I shut the door and turn to my wife, and I say, honey, what the hell?

[790] I was literally tapping your foot.

[791] What happened?

[792] And I swear to you, she turns to me and says, sweetheart, that was not my foot.

[793] No. So I was tapping somebody's leg and it wasn't her.

[794] Oh, no. Oh, my gosh.

[795] So you were telling them yes.

[796] Yes, you were signaling to push harder.

[797] Mix messages.

[798] He or she was going, fuck.

[799] Okay, so the wife's the tough cell.

[800] Chris is fully on board.

[801] Yeah.

[802] He wants us to keep pushing.

[803] Oh, my gosh.

[804] They were so confused when you said no. Yes.

[805] So was your wife hip that you were being groomed for this?

[806] Towards the end, she was like, that took a turn.

[807] I was uncomfortable.

[808] I was not sure where that was going to go.

[809] Uh -huh.

[810] And then afterwards, there were some phone calls, hey, hey, guys.

[811] Hey, you want to hang out?

[812] Let's do it again.

[813] So there was some dodging that took place.

[814] Is any part of it flattering?

[815] Great question.

[816] Yeah, because, I mean, if Kristen and I went out with a couple and that was being pitched to us, I would think, well, minimally the wife has to be on board with this, so that's kind of flattering.

[817] You know, he made the cut.

[818] That's true.

[819] I guess in hindsight, yes, a little bit, yes.

[820] Yeah.

[821] It said feather in your cap.

[822] The husband, I'll get with anyone, let's be honest.

[823] But for the wife to sign off on you, and it sounds like the bar is high.

[824] They're in and out of strip clubs.

[825] They're watching pornography.

[826] Girl on girl.

[827] Yeah, I mean, she's used to the best of the best.

[828] And she was basically saying, let's have a nightcap.

[829] That's very true.

[830] Did you feel guilty a little bit in declining when you accidentally told them yes?

[831] Yes, a little bit.

[832] I let them on.

[833] You did.

[834] You led them on.

[835] The way you were dressed, the way you were tapping.

[836] Yeah.

[837] What else were they to do?

[838] So I imagine your kids aged out of that preschool or whatever and you don't see them anymore.

[839] Do you guys go to different elementaries?

[840] Exactly right.

[841] Coincidentally, we joined a gymnastics place for my daughter.

[842] And on day one, I walked in, and there he was, buddy, hey.

[843] I'm like, oh, boy.

[844] I'd just sit there for like 45 minutes, watch my daughter do back bins and the whole bit.

[845] Monica knows.

[846] Oh, yeah.

[847] And make chit chat with this guy sitting shoulder to shoulder for like 45 minutes once a week for like five weeks.

[848] Oh, boy.

[849] You know, the other thing I would be thinking is, okay, so next problem that's on my plate is my kid could never spend the night.

[850] at those people's houses.

[851] Oh, absolutely.

[852] They're watching porn.

[853] They're at the strip club.

[854] They got friends swinging through, literally and figuratively.

[855] And then that could be a whole awkward thing.

[856] Absolutely.

[857] Yeah, but that never came up.

[858] Thank God.

[859] I mean, we would go over there occasionally from the birthday party because they did get invited to two girls, but we always had our kiddo with us.

[860] Aged strategy with skin flip.

[861] Right, right, right.

[862] Try to wear your worst outfit over there.

[863] Well, Chris, what a great story.

[864] I was wrong in my prediction.

[865] This is not uncommon.

[866] Chris, what a pleasure to get to talk to you.

[867] Thanks for sharing.

[868] Yeah, we appreciate it.

[869] No, guys, it's a pleasure.

[870] Meet you both.

[871] I love the podcast.

[872] And does your wife listen as well?

[873] She does.

[874] She wanted to say hi.

[875] Get her in here to say hi.

[876] Hi.

[877] Hi.

[878] How are you?

[879] Hello, it's so nice to see you guys.

[880] We just heard about your story.

[881] Yeah, we're happy you got out of that dinner unscathed.

[882] Congratulations.

[883] My gosh, what a crazy story.

[884] And he 100 % never tapped you.

[885] You weren't just messing with him.

[886] No. Oh my gosh.

[887] No. When we got into the truck, he was like, what the heck?

[888] I'm like, that wasn't me. Oh, wow, wow.

[889] Wow.

[890] What if you said, what, you weren't tapping, you had your hand on my leg the whole time.

[891] Yeah, exactly.

[892] Well, nice meeting both of you.

[893] We really appreciate that you guys are armcherrys.

[894] Great to meet you.

[895] I wanted one where people fuck.

[896] Yeah.

[897] Okay.

[898] love you do you want to sing a tune or something we know a theme song oh okay great we don't have a thing song for this new show so here I go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchair we'll get some suggestions on the flyer rhyme dish on the fire rindish Enjoy Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app Amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts You can listen to every episode of Armchair expert early And ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app Or on Apple Podcasts.

[899] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey