#1990 - Bert Kreischer

[0] Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] I love you, Jeff.

[4] Brother, I love you way more than you'll ever love me, and you know that I told you that last night.

[5] That's a ridiculous thing to say to a person.

[6] You changed my life immeasually.

[7] You changed mine, too.

[8] We changed each other's lives.

[9] We really did.

[10] I just get too much credit.

[11] It's all of us.

[12] It's like we did it all together.

[13] we all did it together without good friends nobody really succeeds because you don't you don't appreciate it if it's just you it's not it doesn't seem fair it seems all fucked up i i i keep saying to people you got to surround yourselves with the motherfuckers like you you got you if you're talking about your friends as if you're the top dog then you're with the wrong dudes someone said to me You're always talking like, you're not a great comic that your friends are so much better.

[14] I go, they are.

[15] Look who my fucking friends are.

[16] Are you fucking kidding me?

[17] Like, my friends, I surround myself by people that are way better than me. And then I just listen.

[18] I don't, not listen to a lot, but.

[19] We all rise up together.

[20] It's old expression that the rising tide raises all boats.

[21] It really does.

[22] It's just, it's good for everybody.

[23] It's like, you want killers.

[24] We got into this because we love comedy.

[25] And now we're in it.

[26] And when you're in it, it's so scary and it's so weird, and it's so chaotic.

[27] And people are comparing themselves to other people and it causes all this totally unnecessary conflict.

[28] And if you just remember why you got it in the first place, you got it in the first place because you love to watch it.

[29] And then you did it and then you got selfish.

[30] And you started thinking about yourself.

[31] You started thinking about I want to kill and I want to be better and I want to be the number one person.

[32] Watching where other people are in their career.

[33] How come I don't have a 30 -minute, half -hour special?

[34] People get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life.

[35] But in their mind, they associate that person with something negative because they feel bad when they think about them because that person's more successful than them.

[36] It makes them feel bad so they think that person's bad.

[37] It's like a weird, selfish way of thinking about stuff.

[38] And every comic used to have that back in the day.

[39] Dice was talking about how every comic would fuck every comic.

[40] over and they would like do something that would fuck up your set and he was talking about what he did on on dangerfield's young comedian special and that someone else on the show wanted to wear a leather jacket the day of a biker jacket like the same jacket that dice wears yeah and rodney stopped it and he put the kibosh on it but that comics would always do that kind of shit to each other it was like that when i started it's not like that it's not it's way less like that now like i feel like the amount of the amount of the amount of love I've gotten from comics these last couple weeks promoting the movie the love I've gotten from them has like made me feel good like I get really nice text from people even I was telling you I'm a name drop right away Chappelle was the fucking sweetest guy in the world he's the nicest guy of all time he was the sweetest guy I wanted to meet that guy Joe I wanted to meet him for so long because he's my favorite he's like out of all the comments when I moved to New York that I could watch like it was Chappelle the way he did it It was like watching jazz, right?

[41] Yeah.

[42] And then Attel was like almost like watching the fucking fish or like the dead.

[43] And you're like, it's not jazz.

[44] I don't know what the fuck that is, but it's totally different.

[45] I don't understand it.

[46] Headberg was like that.

[47] Those are the guys, Geraldo, those were the, Patrice.

[48] Right.

[49] But Chappelle was like the great white.

[50] I told him that.

[51] I said you're like a great white shark.

[52] Yeah.

[53] You don't see, like you walk into a room and like, oh, fuck, fuck.

[54] And he goes, he was like, he was like, man, he was very nice.

[55] He goes, you've always spoken very nice about me. And I was like, yeah, that's how it works.

[56] Like, when you're a cool person, people talk good about you.

[57] Yeah, it should be how it works.

[58] But, you know, you see people even talking shit about him.

[59] I've seen people talk shit about him that are comics.

[60] It's like, God damn it.

[61] You know what it is?

[62] You said it earlier.

[63] It's transactional.

[64] It's like they think that it's going to help put them over.

[65] Yeah, it's a weird thing that we all do.

[66] Because social interaction is very much like a game sometimes.

[67] there's like moves and then there's counter moves and there's like you're trying to like get a better position and it's like our little social wrestling match sometimes I've seen people do it like like like when you're a room full of famous people there's a couple types of people there's people that work the room and then there's people like me who leave the room because I go I go this is overwhelming me this is too weird I'm gonna get too drunk I'm gonna say something fucked up it's too weird it's too weird I know It's like God damn It's weird to be one It's weird to be around them You know Yeah It's like we've all known each other For so long That like we know each other Where it's like You know you meet someone And they're already famous It's like how much Do they even let you in You know It seems like a weird life It's funny I remember when All the fucking and Iber Mexican shit was going on with you.

[68] And Georgia was, like, sitting at the table.

[69] And she's on her phone.

[70] And she goes, oh, my God, do you know this guy?

[71] And I went, yeah.

[72] She goes, really?

[73] I said, you do too, dummy.

[74] She goes, who is he?

[75] I go, the guy with the chicken.

[76] She goes, oh, wait, I like that guy.

[77] I went, yeah, you're looking at your phone.

[78] And I think that's what happens is, like, you look at, like, celebrity or someone, and you brand them with the thing that you think on the outside.

[79] I know I've been guilty of it.

[80] I talk shit about people before.

[81] Just fucking around.

[82] Just fucking around.

[83] because you just don't think they'll never hear it.

[84] Right.

[85] Like, you know, I'll give you a perfect one.

[86] I used to say that I think I could beat up Stylebender.

[87] If we were drinking, we had to drink the same amount of beers and then get in a cage.

[88] We each had to drink 12 beers and get in the cage.

[89] And it was a joke.

[90] It was a fucking around with Tommy.

[91] I never thought, I never thought, I'd meet Stylebender.

[92] I never thought that motherfucker rolls up to my show in New Zealand.

[93] and first of all he's way bigger than you think he's way bigger than you think okay and his hands are huge and they're soft and the first thing he does Joe is he grabs my arm to like dab me up and he throws a knee and he grabs him by the back of the neck and he still think you could fuck me up and I'm like I'm so sorry but you know what you know what that guy is the coolest motherfucker like the coolest.

[94] I mean, he's one of my motherfuckers where I go, he treated everyone as if he wasn't the middleweight champion of the world.

[95] He treated him as if he was just some guy that was into comic books and into anime.

[96] And he met Jared Hess, the director of Napoleon Dynamite, was at my show.

[97] And he geeked out.

[98] He was like, oh, you did Napoleon Dynamite?

[99] And Jared Hess is going, this is Israel Adisanya.

[100] Like, holy shit.

[101] And then, and then, Joe, and I'm sorry if I tell too, I talk too much sometimes.

[102] We end up at a bar at like three in the fucking morning.

[103] And he is, I'm faded.

[104] I don't know if he was drinking too much at all.

[105] I don't even know if he's drinking.

[106] And, but we get pretty, we get pretty lit in a bar at three in the morning in New Zealand.

[107] And he stands up and I stand up with him back to back shirtless, both of us.

[108] And we challenge everyone in the bar to a fist.

[109] Oh, you have it.

[110] Oh, this is.

[111] What are you challenging everyone in the bar?

[112] Who won it?

[113] What are you doing?

[114] We're challenging a bar to fight.

[115] And this isn't another country?

[116] Yes, this is in another country.

[117] Jesus Christ, Bert.

[118] We were fucking, dude, this motherfucker is the coolest guy in the fucking world.

[119] He goes, he literally is.

[120] He stands up and he goes, who has that?

[121] He's one of the coolest guys that's ever looked.

[122] It's on his Twitter.

[123] Oh, it's on his Twitter?

[124] Oh, shit.

[125] Oh, look at this.

[126] He goes, he stands up and he goes, his first words out of his mouth.

[127] I'll kill every motherfucker in the room for this man right here So then you know my shirt comes off I go I thought we were doing a Steve Harvey bit You ever seen Steve Harvey talk about his wife?

[128] No Oh It'll make you cry Because I know how much you love your wife His wife's name is Marjorie I thought Stylepender was doing a Steve Harvey bit Because Steve Harvey has this moment Where he's doing An award show and he hears his song and he goes, oh, I'm having me a moment.

[129] And he goes, that's our song.

[130] And then, and then it's a cool moment.

[131] He goes, she's mine.

[132] Oh, this is it.

[133] This is it.

[134] This will make you cry, man. I mean, I get emotional watching it.

[135] I just had a moment.

[136] And that's me and my wife's song, too.

[137] Oh.

[138] I met her 86, 87 when the song came out.

[139] Then God gave her back to me in 2005.

[140] I put her name.

[141] on the back man you you understand me that's mine right there yeah I own you and you own me I will kill everybody in here about your ass please understand that about the way I love you Marjorie Elaine you understand me I kill everybody in here I swear to God I thought he was doing it I thought he was doing it he because he goes ask the Lord about me I kill him Fuck idiot.

[142] That's hilarious.

[143] So you thought Style Bender was doing that?

[144] Because Leanne sends me Steve Harvey clips and she had just sent him.

[145] And I thought he must have seen the clip.

[146] It must be going viral.

[147] So I thought he was doing Style Bender.

[148] So I go, I can't have a motherfucker in.

[149] He's mine and I'm him.

[150] We started going, I thought he was doing Steve Harvey.

[151] Oh my God.

[152] And then we start going table to table, Joe.

[153] We go table to table, challenging motherfuckers.

[154] Who wants it?

[155] Look, look at these big dudes behind them, these big Samoan guys.

[156] We're like, who wants it?

[157] Who wants it?

[158] Bro, this could have gone horribly wrong.

[159] I was challenging the female tables.

[160] Exclusively.

[161] What if there was rugby players there or something?

[162] He's the middleweight champion of the world.

[163] I'm going to stand my fucking ground.

[164] Oh, my God, that's so dangerous.

[165] We ended up buying the whole bar shots.

[166] Oh, that's good.

[167] Three times.

[168] Whoa.

[169] Filled them up.

[170] Round them up.

[171] Jesus.

[172] That must have been a drunk place.

[173] It was.

[174] And then he texts me the next morning, like, boom, he's out.

[175] He's out.

[176] He didn't, I don't think he drinks up as much as I do.

[177] And that, that dude, I'll tell you, I'm a ride or die for him.

[178] He was the nicest.

[179] We sat and talked.

[180] We just talked about, like, you know, something really important in life is celebrating, like, celebrating victories.

[181] I love the way he does that.

[182] I really do.

[183] When he has a victory, he goes on, like, a celebration tour.

[184] And I feel like the universe then, fucking is set right.

[185] Leanne has a phrase.

[186] It's called, Earn Your Mondays, right?

[187] So, like, I'm gonna get emotional telling this because it's a cool fucking thing.

[188] It's Earn Your Mondays.

[189] It means bust your ass all fucking weekend for us, comics.

[190] All weekend, all weekend, and do so well, you earn your Monday.

[191] You don't have to pick up the phone.

[192] You don't have to do a fucking thing.

[193] You can just fucking sit back in the cut and go, I earn my Monday.

[194] Like Amy Schumer's movie Trainwreck did really well, right?

[195] It's opening week.

[196] And that's when the answer said at the first time, she goes, man, she earned her Monday.

[197] I said, what do you mean?

[198] She goes, she did press for two weeks leading up to this.

[199] She's been going theater to theater trying to help sell tickets.

[200] And it's done.

[201] And it did well.

[202] She earned her Monday.

[203] And it's a, I think it might be in Scientology.

[204] Like, it might be a thing in Scientology, but what is he earns his Monday.

[205] Like, after that fight, the way he celebrates life for like two weeks, he goes out, he's in Miami, he's in New York, he's in Vegas, he's in L .A., he's in London.

[206] Like, he does a tour.

[207] Yeah.

[208] I said to him, I go, that's really inspirational.

[209] Like, the way that you look at life as it needs to be.

[210] He goes, yeah, you've got to celebrate these moments.

[211] I think it's cool as fuck.

[212] Way do you see the fucking bender I'm going on if my movie does well this weekend?

[213] You want to talk about...

[214] How could you ramp it up any more than you're already doing it?

[215] Dude, I listen, I'll tell you what, I'm going to rehab.

[216] I want someone to chloroform me. at the premiere, and I will wake up a week later.

[217] They go, your movie did great, Bert.

[218] Your body's clean, you've been hydrated, and you slept.

[219] Just keep you on a constant IV.

[220] Dude, I need to say this real quick.

[221] And right now, everyone please go to movie theaters this week and I see my movie The Machine.

[222] Please go out of the house.

[223] Buy a ticket to a movie theater.

[224] That is our biggest challenge is getting people in movie theaters.

[225] So if you love me or you've ever loved me, you used to love me, you think I'm annoying as fuck now, whatever the fuck it is.

[226] Just give me a shot.

[227] Get out of the house and go see the story that started on this fucking podcast.

[228] I would have never told it on stage if this man right here didn't say you have to tell it on stage.

[229] This is your fucking movie.

[230] You need to know him as the machine.

[231] For now on, call out his name of shows.

[232] Make him tell that story.

[233] I leaked the trailer on this movie was going to sit on a fucking shelf.

[234] Joe, you've done so much for me. Do it for Joe, guys.

[235] Do it for Joe.

[236] Do it for me. Proof that he's.

[237] the motherfucker.

[238] Well, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man. It's a good movie.

[239] It's an action.

[240] It should be fun.

[241] It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen.

[242] And I think it's, I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is.

[243] It's just fucking fucking fun.

[244] And I'm, I'm telling you, I've been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest.

[245] I'm not an actor.

[246] Like, I'm just like, they're like, what are the kissing scenes like?

[247] And I'm like, rough.

[248] we have one kissing scene I didn't know I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie because I don't read the action when I read the scripts I just read the dialogue so I don't read like you know hey uh Bert comes back kisses his wife and knocks her off her feet I just go like oh there Leon was in Serbia and they were like hey you have a kissing scene and I was like what and I was like yeah you're your wife and I was like shut the fuck up I was like is that cool?

[249] And the end's like, yeah, you're an actor.

[250] I was like, yeah, but I haven't cheated on you ever, like, I haven't kissed someone in 20 fucking years.

[251] She was like, it's just acting.

[252] And I was like, okay.

[253] All I'll say is, the pants I was wearing were loose fitting and I don't wear underwear.

[254] We did one take, and I was like, costume change, please.

[255] They're like, what?

[256] I was like, I need to change my pants.

[257] I guess I'm not an actor.

[258] I'm just a regular dude.

[259] Oh my goodness, They're like Huh?

[260] And I was like I don't know What the fuck are you supposed to do You're supposed to kiss someone And then just Like I don't How the fuck does that work You ever kiss someone?

[261] Your body doesn't know That it's just acting No No No How could it?

[262] Yeah I did the first kiss My wife Stephanie It's cool as fuck By the way I've talked with her And we've talked about this A number of times And she goes If you do the first kiss And I'm like, I don't know, I'm just like, you know.

[263] And she's like, hey, you know, really go for it.

[264] Like, really go for it.

[265] And I was like, for real?

[266] She said, yeah, like, try, like, try to, like, knock me off my feet.

[267] Like, kiss me. So I was like, okay.

[268] I'm not thinking about it.

[269] I'm a fucking, bam, bam, bam, bam.

[270] Walk up.

[271] And as soon as, and then she kissed back.

[272] And I was like, what the fuck is happening?

[273] This is different.

[274] Holy shit.

[275] And then I'm like, ah, costume change.

[276] I need tape.

[277] I need tape.

[278] Hey, someone get me ice.

[279] Is that, are you allowed to talk about that?

[280] You're not supposed to.

[281] You're supposed to say, here, ask me what the kissing scene was like.

[282] What was the kissing scene like?

[283] You know, it was good.

[284] It was, I would say, it's just acting.

[285] It's what we do as actors, okay?

[286] Which is true.

[287] Yeah, well, it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie.

[288] It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie.

[289] It's because you make out with her a couple times, you're like, that was fucking nice.

[290] I wonder what it's like, and then you're laying in bed going, hmm, hmm, and Jennifer Anderson's texting, and you're like, pass, pass, pass.

[291] Like, fucking, Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day.

[292] All day, I kissed this woman for, like, 30 minutes, 35 minutes.

[293] Kist her.

[294] Like, got comfortable kissing her.

[295] And then we got in bed in Serbia, and Leanne's like, hey, you want to do it?

[296] I was like, beat it, Cizzer Lips.

[297] It's like, I'm fucking, I'll come back to you when I need to.

[298] Oh, how rude.

[299] My wife's got a good sense of humor.

[300] I hope so.

[301] Yeah.

[302] The whole fucking, I mean, the whole movie in general was like, I was not coming.

[303] I ripped my fucking arm.

[304] I blew my arm out.

[305] but what does it like to have a story get turned into a movie that's got to be weird as fuck uh like a story that like you kind of have to tell now like if you do a show if you do a show and you don't tell the machine story people will get angry but they did it last time i was here yeah we were up here and they started channing the machines and i was like guys i'm i'm at the comedy mothership i'm just in an hour 15 and that was the best that was one of the cool that's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top and I go I'll tell I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells Tater salad and the place is like Ron White's here and then and Ron's like fuck it I'm coming down Ron White comes on stage tells Tater salad I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow Tater salad the best story ever told so it's surreal having your movie your life turned into a movie it's surreal like it is like it was emotional at times and then And then it's weird because you feel, I feel very vulnerable, you know, like, because some of the questions people ask, they're like, they're not, they don't, they like, they like, they take, but they put teeth in it.

[306] They're like, so you rob people and you're like, okay.

[307] Jesus Christ.

[308] So you approve of what the mafia does.

[309] You're like into the mafia.

[310] And I'm like, hey, man, can we not make it surreal?

[311] Like, you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss.

[312] Let's fucking just make it regular.

[313] A good morning America.

[314] So they got upset with the premise?

[315] They were just like, they like, they like, they like, they, they.

[316] They read half of it, and then they're like, so you're in the mafia?

[317] And you're like, no, it's a little more complex.

[318] No, but you, like, got welcomed into the mafia, and you're like, yeah, like, kind of.

[319] It's better when you hear the whole story.

[320] I think I tell it a little different.

[321] And they're like, and you robbed your friends.

[322] Are they cool with you now?

[323] And I'm like, yeah, yeah.

[324] Some of them are coming to the premiere.

[325] Like, fucking Jesus Christ, let's, can we move to the next subject?

[326] I don't believe in vaccines.

[327] Oh, my God.

[328] Yeah, it's been interesting.

[329] It's been fun.

[330] I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how why this story has reached.

[331] Like, I didn't expect certain people to be, like, fans of mine.

[332] Like, and I know that sounds, like, bad, but, like, you're always, like, when you look at your audiences, my audience kind of looks like the same one thing.

[333] Guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve, they all have beards, they're all a little overweight.

[334] Like, that's my fan base.

[335] I like I literally go hey man I can tell you the sponsors I can get for my tour Lipitor would be a good sponsor some blood pressure medicine some beard trimmers not Lipitor I know we're talking about statins but um but like I know like I know my fan base and then you get like dudes who are like I fucking love you and like big boy from big boy's neighborhood I was like you know who I am he's like yeah why wouldn't I I was like I don't know I just didn't think you know like Norie from drink champs he's like dude, I told my wife, we got my favorite comedian coming on and she's like, you mean the big fat white guy who takes his shirt off?

[336] And you're like, wait, when you're younger, you try so hard to appeal to all demographics.

[337] It's like fake.

[338] And then once you're yourself, you're truly yourself, that's when you appeal, that's when you're the most appealing.

[339] Does that make sense?

[340] It does make sense.

[341] Yeah, because it's hard to do.

[342] It's hard to do publicly.

[343] Yeah.

[344] It's hard to be, you know yourself publicly especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly you start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix oh my god for sure you start going like yeah I don't want to like like Secret Time well this will air it'll be fine the premiere's tomorrow I'm flying back tonight for the premiere the premiere list is fucking thick it's fucking thick it's kind of it's like it's my algorithm it's Snoop Dog porn stars and fucking radio DJs.

[345] A couple pro servers.

[346] Like, it's my algorithm.

[347] My watch dealer.

[348] The, um, but, uh, like, Mark Hamill was like, are you going to stay for the, and watch the movie?

[349] And I was like, are we not supposed to?

[350] He was like, I'm not going to watch myself on screen.

[351] And I was like, why?

[352] And he's like, oh, are you being serious?

[353] He's like, you want to just, you're going to sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself?

[354] I was like, I was like, I was like, Hey, Mark, secret time.

[355] I'm going to cry watching myself.

[356] I'm going to cry and I'm going to mouth my lines.

[357] I did that when we did the first testing of the movie.

[358] They sat me in the front row.

[359] I had two bottles of wine.

[360] I sat with Leanne.

[361] I had a notebook.

[362] I was supposed to write things in for notes.

[363] The movie starts and I start bawling crying.

[364] I start bawling crying.

[365] And I start mouthing my lines.

[366] I'm laughing hysterically.

[367] I'm like, I loved watching me more than a narcissist, whatever.

[368] It was like the craziest thing.

[369] So we go to the next screening.

[370] and K .L. Our producer pulls me aside and he goes, I'm going to ask you to sit in the back.

[371] I said, what?

[372] And he goes, it kind of affect the way people watch the movie.

[373] So what do you mean?

[374] He goes, I don't know if they're fucking crying like it's Cape Fear, but gay.

[375] He goes, fucking sit in the back.

[376] And the next time I sat in the back.

[377] But I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like, I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel.

[378] Like I remember doing all these things and then they're all cut cool.

[379] And so I was like, I don't know, I guess.

[380] I don't know.

[381] I think I'll watch the movie.

[382] I guess I will.

[383] but Mark's not going to watch it in secret time well that's not very secret and uh I get both perspectives like you made it why it seems weird that he would like he's trying to like enforce that on you no no he was just like he was like you're cool with that like I've heard a few people like like like there are people like do you listen to your own podcast no okay I can throw on but I might if it's like if like it's a Huberman podcast or one of those ones where I'm gonna try to implement whatever they're talking about yeah so maybe with those I would listen to it again just to try to remember yeah and write shit down you know because he he gives you so many different like beneficial things it's like you have to kind of go back and write him down and try to keep track of them like there's certain people who can listen to their own like I can throw on an old two bears from during the pandemic and I will it'll like it's like a warm blanket I go I remember that day I remember that like It's fun.

[384] So I'm going to sit and watch myself in the movie theater.

[385] I want to hear, I want to see 750 people.

[386] Why not?

[387] Yeah, right?

[388] Why not?

[389] It's your movie.

[390] Dude.

[391] It's just weird that people would think that that's weird.

[392] It's like, of course you want to see your movie.

[393] Yeah.

[394] You want to see people see your movie too.

[395] They said to me, when are you getting to the red carpet?

[396] And I said, well, the movie starts to seven, the red carpet opens at three, so maybe like, 2 .30?

[397] And they're like, wait, what do you mean?

[398] I go, it's a premiere of my movie.

[399] I want to be on the red carpet as long as I'm.

[400] I can.

[401] And they're like, no, you need to show up at like six o 'clock.

[402] And then you're the last one on.

[403] And I wait, wait, I'm going to miss all the people.

[404] Like, I thought I'd be like, hey, welcome with the red carpet.

[405] You know, like, it's still going to see you.

[406] Oh, shit.

[407] Give them hug and see people.

[408] And they're like, no, you're in a movie now.

[409] You need to be like, and I was like, oh, that's not how I'm going to do it.

[410] So I changed the red carpet.

[411] I changed it.

[412] Really?

[413] Yeah, I fucking just changed it.

[414] I was like, that's not how we're doing it.

[415] We're doing it, like, waste management.

[416] It's a fucking party.

[417] People are drinking beers.

[418] Fans have access.

[419] Let's fucking throwback and I'm gonna be here the whole time I'm gonna fucking host it I don't give a shit like I'm gonna fucking party if Snoop Dog comes walking down the red carpet you don't think I'm gonna run over to take a picture with him come on you know me Joe I am not I am not I'm not I'm not like a play it cool guy I'm not a play a cool I don't know how to play it cool I do it the way I do it I like it you only get one run at this fucking life yeah also like fuck playing it cool just be whoever you are do you know what it was I've been trying to work this as a bit a little bit but I can't.

[420] I had a weird morning.

[421] No shade on anybody.

[422] I had a weird morning where I worked out with Arnold Schwarzenegger and I ran into Edward Norton at breakfast within an hour.

[423] Like in Santa Monica, it was really crazy.

[424] Now I watched two arguably movie stars, movie stars.

[425] Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Norton interact in public.

[426] Edward Norton's cool as fuck.

[427] He's dude, Fight Club, one of my favorite movies ever.

[428] The one where he plays the guy with the two accents, That's fucking, he's an awesome dude.

[429] But when I recognized him, and I gave him energy, like when I recognized him, you just see him just be like, uh -huh, yeah, okay, cool.

[430] Like, just kind of like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[431] Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he gets recognized, he gives you, he matches your energy.

[432] He gives you the thing you want.

[433] The moment you want, when he comes up on TV and people go, I met Arnold Schwarzenegger, they go, how was he?

[434] Not one person.

[435] Well, maybe I'm sure there's people to say bad things, but like everyone I met, when I watched him interact with people fucking loved him he was the coolest dude he was you know what he was Joe he was like a movie star he was like a like he brought the like 1980s hey it's good to see you hey Bart come here let me tell you I'm better accents but he's like can I just tell you I think with some sensitive people I think your happy fun guy energy sometimes throws people you could And they're like, yeah, got to get out of here.

[436] You know, because you're like, oh, my God, it's fucking Ed Norton.

[437] I went like this, Joe.

[438] I was, yeah, exactly.

[439] Like, dude, that guy can't handle that.

[440] He's a poor guy was like, and I tagged him in the instant.

[441] He's a really nice guy.

[442] I had him on the podcast.

[443] He's really interesting.

[444] For real?

[445] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[446] Dude, he's a, he's the, he is.

[447] He's my Hulk.

[448] He's the best Hulk.

[449] He's the best Hulk.

[450] The best Hulk.

[451] He's the best Hulk.

[452] Yeah, he's the best Hulk.

[453] Dude, that movie where he does the dude with two accents, you know, but that Mark Rufflow Hulk is pretty.

[454] fucking good, too.

[455] Pretty fucking good.

[456] I wouldn't mind, yeah.

[457] It's a fucking toss up, dude.

[458] It's a toss -up.

[459] Ed Norton's my guy.

[460] When Leanne dumped me, when Leanne dumped me, I watched Fight Club on repeat over and over and over and over again.

[461] When they play the Pixies at the end of the fucking movie, where is my mind?

[462] And he said, do na, do na, do na, and the buildings are crumbling?

[463] Yeah.

[464] Ed Norton's my motherfucker.

[465] He's a dude.

[466] I love that guy.

[467] But you're right.

[468] My energy might have fucking freaked him out.

[469] I freaked out.

[470] Tom Cruz is real bad.

[471] You probably freak people out, man. You probably freak people out You got a lot going on There's a lot happening It's all positive But it's like for some people It's like there's too much sensory input here Yeah I gotta get out of here I'll answer as I cast a large wake That's a good way of putting it That's a healthy way of putting it Yeah it was I had It was really tough Doing the movie because everyone was Fucking Eastern European And my sense of my sense of humor Is not Eastern European Did they understand No No No, they thought they, the words, I guess, when you, look, I'm not an expert, but the words in like, in the Slavic language or whatever, they speak in Serbia to explain me, the words they use are like unpredictable, explosive, like I think those are the words that you would use that personality.

[472] And they're also like, like, there was a scene in the movie with my, my co -star that is, in order to do it, she had to be put into like a cast and like she couldn't.

[473] move and she wasn't comfortable doing it with me because the words to describe me are he's unpredictable you don't know what he's going to do i think in a in english we've i just think our this is a horrible thing to say but i think our language is more slangy so we get things a little easier i know when i was in russia they didn't have a lot of slangs like that wasn't their thing because you know in a communist government you want to make sure your words mean what you say right so they don't like that's why it's funny when i said i was the machine because it's they don't It's very, it's like the craziest thing you'd say to someone, you're a car, and then you're like, yeah, and then he's a car, he's a machine, he's the machine, like, it was just funny that I would say that because they don't, slangs aren't their thing.

[474] So she didn't want to do the scene with me. Oh, isn't, yeah, isn't that, doesn't that mean car in Russian?

[475] Yeah, yeah.

[476] Yeah, machina.

[477] And I just walked on the door and said, I'm a car.

[478] That's, isn't that, it's in, that's in John Wick, too.

[479] Yeah, I think it might be.

[480] When he calls the dude up, says you have La Machina.

[481] You have my car.

[482] Remember?

[483] That's the scene where he's got the fucking 69 Mustang.

[484] Dude, let me tell you something.

[485] Keanu Reeves, that's the motherfucker.

[486] After you do an action scene and then you watch John Wick, you're like, uh, that's learning the ballet.

[487] Like that guy, those things he does in that movie, they're, They are, I would argue, it would be cool, like, someone like you who's into martial arts and knows how to use his body, I'd be interested to see you go, that would be a cool thing to see you do one of the John Wick sequences.

[488] Like, would you, does that interest you at all?

[489] Those, like, badass sequences that he does?

[490] Like movies?

[491] No, no, no, no, no. Just like, just for, like, to fun.

[492] Like, you know, we go out and we shoot with Taryn and, like, we learn the John Wick guns and stuff.

[493] Right.

[494] If they had a class where you could just go, hey man, for like this week, we're going to teach you a John Wick sequence just to just see if you could learn it because it's really a very complex a very simple fight scene I punched like three dudes on our movie because I don't I just am not I get over excited and I just would punch them and but they were like cage fighters so they're like I don't give a fuck just hit me I'd rather you hit me than it not looked good right but what John what John Wick does I couldn't do that it's like somersaults and sliding your leg underneath people's legs to leverage them that's no in the especially in the first movie look at this in john wick one that scene where he goes through the disco the red circle club that fucking that scene is insane yeah i mean but here's what's weird about it look i love that movie yeah but why it's the sexy assassin that you root for The whole thing's like Have we forgiven his past Where he worked for the Russian mob And killed how many fucking people That didn't deserve to be killed He was the guy you sent in to kill people It's the weirdest sort of hero That's ever existed Because it's so satisfying Because they killed his puppy Dude They killed his puppy That's why we like him It's because his dog No It's one of the fucking greatest scenes Ever in a movie that sets up what the movie is about when the Russian guy is talking to his son and he punches his son and he says what I stole a fucking car and he punches his son in the stomach and then he pops open the liquor and he goes my son is not what you did it's who you did it too and he goes who that fucking nobody and he just goes that fucking nobody is John Wick it's one of the greatest fucking see things ever to set up how how the movie's gonna set up.

[495] It's a nice jacket.

[496] Like in this scene, you're going, what the fuck is going on?

[497] Yeah.

[498] Should I go?

[499] Knit.

[500] English, please.

[501] Come on.

[502] Stay, God damn it!

[503] What did I do?

[504] Jeffrenuze, I put on me. We did what you asked.

[505] No one saw shit.

[506] I'm not.

[507] I'm not talking about that Atlantic city, you know?

[508] What that?

[509] You mean Aurelios?

[510] So I stole a fucking car.

[511] Oh.

[512] It's not what you did, son.

[513] It angers me sort.

[514] It's who you did it too.

[515] Who?

[516] The fucking nobody?

[517] That fucking nobody.

[518] Dude, what a cool fucking thing.

[519] What a fucking cool scene.

[520] Look at this.

[521] Now you realize the sexy...

[522] My movie's not this good, Joe.

[523] It's not this good.

[524] The sexy assassin.

[525] You just...

[526] Look at his body.

[527] You just awoken the sexy assassin.

[528] My movie might be the exact opposite of this.

[529] The scene gets even better.

[530] The whole thing is when they explain who John Wick is.

[531] Keanuism.

[532] That, dude...

[533] That fucking movie was so fun.

[534] But it's like, why is that fun?

[535] Why do you root for him?

[536] Why are you rooting for this guy to just kill everybody over his dog?

[537] Yeah.

[538] It's like just to get to this one guy to get to revenge.

[539] That guy is the same guy from Game of Thrones.

[540] Yes.

[541] He plays a bad guy so good.

[542] Yes, he does.

[543] The Game of Thrones character.

[544] Oh, my God.

[545] I may have a hard time ever seeing him as anything else than the guy that ate his dick on Game of Thrones.

[546] Spoiler alert.

[547] Were you a Game of Thrones guy?

[548] Loved it.

[549] Dude, were you a House of Dragons guy?

[550] I love both.

[551] Me too.

[552] Yeah, they're great.

[553] I love that.

[554] They're both great.

[555] Yeah.

[556] Oh, they're so fun.

[557] They're both really good.

[558] I mean, you can't fault it.

[559] It's super solid.

[560] I think it takes a long time to make one of those, though.

[561] Dude.

[562] You know, that has got to be like, Game of Thrones is it must be, like, one of the most complex shows to ever choreograph and film, the CGI.

[563] It's a movie.

[564] You're making a movie every week.

[565] Yeah.

[566] Man, the woman that plays Circe And that is so beautiful She's just like I mean, one is just a stunning I've gone to her like, like Googled her name I forget her name, but I've Googled her and just looked A picture of her and she got a little space between her teeth Ma, man, quit with the fucking fixing What you think is your flaw Flaws are so fucking sexy Flores are, I, Leanne fixed one of her flaws And I fucking hate it She had a little hole, like a dilated poor hole Right here on her cheek and I loved it I fucking loved it it made her look unique I loved it and a little crooked tooth oh whoa I'll stop talking about my wife holy shit Jesus Bert Lena Headley Jesus keep it together Bert yes beautiful lady she was in hell of an actress fucking 300 that's right she is 300 was this shit yeah I'm not one of those like I'm not I couldn't do like I couldn't do other people's movies.

[567] I just want to be a movie star.

[568] I want to do fat astronauts.

[569] If this movie does well...

[570] Hey, guys, if the machine does well this weekend, we're getting a green line on fat astronauts Monday.

[571] Well, I think it's going to do awesome.

[572] I hope it does.

[573] I hope it does.

[574] It looks fun.

[575] Everybody's going to love it.

[576] It's going to be a good time.

[577] Go out to the movie theaters, everybody.

[578] Go to the machine .com movie, get your tickets, and go enjoy the movies this weekend.

[579] How many movie theaters got hit real hard?

[580] because the pandemic must be most of them right yeah what really sucks are the mom -and -pop ones like so there's the mom -and -pop ones usually in like uh Asian communities that do Asian films you know like for you know like another's one in Korea I just read an article about that uh is fighting to stay around because it does it's it's in Little Korea or Crea town and it just does and it's a mom and pop like their concession stand looks like you're at you're at a concession stand like in a ball stand like in a ball like a little league ballpark and those I think those are the ones that took the big hits because they they do have high rents because they're big spaces but they don't have a company behind them to support them right that makes sense Kevin Smith just bought the movie theater that he used to go to as a kid oh really what's that ah fuck I don't listen well he said it it was in Jersey right yes in Jersey it would used to be a two screen now it's a five screen I'm gonna do a screening of the machine out there and I think this coming month Kevin Smith was one of the first guys to figure out to do he like had a theater to do his podcast in we just did a two bears me and Kevin like he was a guest bear and he guess bear and he uh he uh he walked me through it and it's funny to hear him talk about podcasting and what he was doing because then i i it's almost like imagine if our two timelines were like this but he was doing it like 10 years before that like doing theaters doing his podcast doing that and then all of a sudden he's like and then Carolla got his podcast I'm like wait wait hold on you were doing theaters and stuff and he was talking about the money they were getting at those times was like he was doing it for free at colleges and didn't know you could get paid to do it no kid yeah Kevin Smith man he said he goes what because you know he's like complimenting me that I was doing well he goes what's the secret and I go the secret is watch what Kevin Smith did 10 years ago and start doing it today he's a badass dude It's a very cool guy.

[581] He changed, him and that group changed cinema forever.

[582] I mean, they created that whole independent filmmaking in, like, 95, 97 or something.

[583] They certainly were a big part of it.

[584] Independent filmmaking has always been really interesting because every now and then, there's a great fucking movie that you just don't hear about.

[585] Yeah.

[586] Because someone made it on a shoestring budget and they pieced it together with their uncle's money.

[587] and did you ever see the movie run lola run no jo joe what's it about bert it's about a fucking chick who just runs just all day she's got to get from point a to point b to like save her boyfriend or something and she gets a phone call is this hang on this all this is so wait play it from the so we can see what the thing is okay every second of every day you make a choice can change your life okay and she has to get from point A to point B and she runs the whole way there but stuff happened in between and it's oh yeah her husband's robbing someone I guess it's a fucking it's a foreign film that you literally are like on the edge of your seats it's a fucking one of those movies we were like small budget just fucking good like they exist just probably hard to publicize them probably hard to find but you know then there's also small budget movies that are terrible that are awesome too like the one with Franco like really really bad movies are fucking amazing because if they're not trying to be funny but they are funny yeah like sometimes like what was the one the room the room one James Franco and Seth Rogen remade that's right that's right I mean how crazy bad does a movie have to be where people make a movie about your movie about how bad it was yeah but that can happen those are great too I love me a bad movie I really do some of them are just so enjoyable oh fuck yeah like a like a like a like I love the uh what was the movie I used to love growing up that I was like it's just oh uh like clueless how about roadhouse oh dude roadhouse is one of the best bad movies movies of all time.

[588] He grips his throat out of his neck by the river.

[589] It's the fucking...

[590] It's so goofy.

[591] Blade, right, boot.

[592] Everything is awesome about it.

[593] Pain don't hurt.

[594] Everything is awesome.

[595] He walks around with his own record transcripts of his, of his injuries.

[596] Wow, you've been cut up.

[597] He's got so many fucking injuries.

[598] He brings a folder with him.

[599] She's fucking hot.

[600] She's hot as fuck.

[601] That's the doctor falls in love with the sexy bouncer.

[602] It's fucking amazingly stupid movie And Patrick Swayze is so beautiful He's so beautiful Wait, they're remaking it with Connor McGregor, you know that?

[603] Yes, yes And Jake Olinhal Look at this fucking stupid movie Chicken dick Chicken dick Look at his hands I want to kiss and make up Every group had one fat guy That was like their tough guy Yeah, I mean, they're all stab at each other and shit Oh, it cuts them God, this is so stupid It just everything Look kind of corny and fake Like you compare that to like an action scene In a really good movie Oh yeah Especially now I think people don't tolerate this kind of like Obviously choreographed fake violence anymore It just looks a little too corny Yeah But back then it didn't seem corny.

[604] It was amazing what didn't seem corny.

[605] It was good back then.

[606] Like back, there's so many movies that when we were kids, we're like, this is a great movie.

[607] And you watch it now, you're like, Jesus, this movie sucks.

[608] This movie sucks.

[609] Because you think they're so good, because the culture has evolved.

[610] It's moved into like a new direction.

[611] Oh, it's done that with comedy too.

[612] Like the comedies that we like, you watch them now, and they're like horrifically racist.

[613] So many of them.

[614] them or trans like fucking we were talking about uh ace ventura it's he's crazy transphobic dan merino throws up because he made out with a dude the whole fucking thing is like it's so crazy there there is a complete this is where trans people should spend their time getting rid of that fucking movie because they see the dick in the back of the pants and they all throw up and it's sean young who's gorgeous beautiful Go look This scene is so crazy Yeah this is great This seems like he just rips her shirt apart Imagine that scene today She's in her brawn panties He's ripping her clothes off in front of everybody In a comedy And she's just standing there for some strange reason Look Dan Marino Look at Dan Marino Excuse me for her just one second She's dazed like a cartoon character Like like frozen in a video game right yeah she's seeing birds and stuff my esteemed colleague mr marino has just brought some new evidence to my attention now history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time but if i am mistaken if the lieutenant is indeed a woman as she claims to be then my friend she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids i have ever seen that's why roger factor is dead the tuck mr winky look they all throwing up they're all throwing up everyone's throwing everyone he's cleaning his tongue the dolphin's freaking out this is a crazy scene oh that's how much culture's changed that culture that's how much culture's changed yes that's in our lifetime yes that's in our lifetime This is 94.

[615] Yeah, 94, man. I mean, we were watching with the girls one time, 16 candles.

[616] Do you remember that movie?

[617] Molly Ringwald?

[618] Yes.

[619] In it, they have the Donger, Long Duck Dong.

[620] Remember the Asian guy?

[621] Yes.

[622] And all, oh, sexy girlfriend.

[623] I mean, he got in trouble.

[624] I think woke culture actually came after him for doing, I think, what they call yellow face.

[625] of, like, acting up the Asian guy.

[626] Oh, wow.

[627] Yeah, and then they go to the party, Jake's girlfriend.

[628] My girls are watching this.

[629] Jake's girlfriend passes out, she's too drunk, and he gives her to the nerds.

[630] You guys take her for the night.

[631] Have fun with her.

[632] Here's my dad's car.

[633] Anthony Michael all fucks her.

[634] He fucks her that night.

[635] She's drunk, she doesn't remember it, and they don't remember it.

[636] They fuck that.

[637] That's one of the plotlines.

[638] The section is Jake's a senior in high school.

[639] She's 16.

[640] like it's so problematic that my daughters couldn't enjoy it and I go just fucking let go of it like just watch the fucking thing and they're like dad the girl's drunk someone should help her they got her hair and you're like oh yeah that doesn't look cool yeah it's weird what people used to think was acceptable before it was depicted in the media revenge of the nerds the dude rapes her he puts on her boyfriend's closing and rapes her rapes her I don't remember that at the end she's like in a bounce house with the lights off she's in a bounce house he grabs they do they're at the town fair he grabs the mask his boy her boyfriend's mask the girl he's attracted to puts it on and he he was he pretends to be darth vader he pretends to her he follows her into the into the crazy with all the mirrors they land on the bounce house she's like take the mask off and he's like no I'm gonna leave it on and then he fucks her she doesn't know it's him she fucks her and then they get done and he takes the mask off she goes that was you and he's like yeah She's like, it was so good So that that's Just if we're talking If we're gonna play by the rules Let's play by the rules, okay?

[641] That groomed every child To see that That if you can sneaky fuck a chick But you did it good If you could rape her but you did it good Then look You don't remember this?

[642] No, no no leave it on That's that's fucked up What year was that?

[643] It's got to be 84 Sounds right Just 80s That was like, I mean, don't even start with porkies.

[644] Yeah, let's take the same time period.

[645] Yeah, that was like, and that was greenlit by executives, that's a good scene.

[646] 84's correct.

[647] Good fucking scene.

[648] 1984, that's how much the world's changed.

[649] That's crazy.

[650] Insane.

[651] And you're, and you're just talking about fight scenes, but that's, we're talking social commentary that's out there.

[652] Yeah, it's just, it's, we're just talking about like the way things are depicted in life.

[653] Like you could never do that in a comedy now.

[654] Imagine if someone tried to recreate that.

[655] We, at one point, in making the movie, I said to the, I'll say, I say I said it to no one, so no one ever gets in trouble because I know, I know that what I do is not what the studio's like, right, when I talk.

[656] I just talk to honestly.

[657] Because I don't know the fucking thing you're supposed to say.

[658] I said, we fucked up to someone.

[659] I said, we fucked up.

[660] We should have had nudity in this movie.

[661] Like, we definitely should have had nudity.

[662] Like, that was a fucking, because all the great old school comedies had one gratuit.

[663] Two -itist nude scene.

[664] Right.

[665] You know, back to school, Rodney Dangerfield opens the fucking curtain and the girl with the most beautiful body shower and he goes, hey, excuse me!

[666] And then close him and he goes, ah, and it opens it again.

[667] It's a great fucking scene in the movie, right?

[668] Right.

[669] I go, we missed, we fucked up.

[670] And they're like, I go, can we ask some of these chicks to, like, get naked?

[671] And they're like, that's definitely not.

[672] And I was like, well, how did it work?

[673] But you made movies back in the day and they're like, well, that's different.

[674] We're not going to just walk around and go, hey, does anyone want to take their top off for this scene?

[675] And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess you can't like you just and it's a weird thing it's like it's just weird how much culture is shifted so quickly yeah like relatively quickly because I don't think that before mass media social media it was mass media first and then social media till people's the more and more communication about the way people act and behave you used to just have films that depicted all sorts of shit like that and people just accepted it So, like, was that a part of normal society back then?

[676] Like, at what point?

[677] Like, we got to think about how few generations removed we are from barbarians.

[678] Like, really?

[679] Like, really horrific people.

[680] What, we've got 3 ,000 years, 4 ,000 years?

[681] Like, how far back you have to go to where life is, just hell?

[682] It's not that many thousands of years, right?

[683] I got to be honest, I think, 1700s.

[684] Yeah.

[685] I mean, I mean, if we're talking.

[686] about loss of freedom and free will, you look at World War I. World War I was a barbaric fucking trench war.

[687] Yeah.

[688] Was that the trench war?

[689] Yeah, it was a trench warfare.

[690] And that was like, that was like kids.

[691] And then World War II was a generation of kids that felt like they didn't go to war, so they got bummed out.

[692] They're like, I wanted to go to war like my dad, not knowing what war was.

[693] And now we're at a place where you're like, okay, only the savages go.

[694] Like us soft boys, I could not, I'm not a jocko.

[695] I'm not a greener.

[696] I don't know if I agree with that.

[697] What do you mean?

[698] About World War II.

[699] World War II, no, no, it's 100 % accurate.

[700] The German generation, the German generation feels like that was what brought about World War II was a whole generation of kids feeling like, we need a war, we didn't get a war.

[701] What?

[702] Yeah.

[703] If you watched the beginning of All Quiet and Western Front, I don't know if you saw that new movie, watch it not with the subtitles, that's the beginning.

[704] I mean, that's still World War I, but all those kids are just mad that they're not going to maybe go.

[705] The war is ending, and they're like, we're not going to get the fight, we're not going to get the fight.

[706] It's kind of like what Jarhead is like even in the Marines.

[707] He's so mad he doesn't get to shoot his gun.

[708] God, how crazy are people?

[709] I mean, World War II is...

[710] Imagine getting upset that you don't get a chance to go to war.

[711] Okay?

[712] Yeah, but no, we can say that.

[713] I know.

[714] And that's ingrained in our head.

[715] How crazy is that my grandfather was the exact opposite?

[716] Can you imagine if we'd stayed here?

[717] Can you imagine if we didn't go?

[718] And that was my grandfather.

[719] That's just right there.

[720] and then came back the worst shell shock you could ever fucking imagine storm the beaches of Normandy the question is and I never I never found this out what day because I think this I think the the real bad one was that first day when they go and then I think they made some advancements and I don't know much about history I listen to history podcasts but I don't really pay attention but I just put me to sleep well that's a good one to think about because Jesus fucking Christ is that a crazy story in human history.

[721] The idea of people just running at people with guns, people with guns running at people with guns.

[722] The idea is...

[723] It's so insane.

[724] Just loss of free will that someone would go, go, and you couldn't be like, no, my name's Bert, and I haven't fallen in love yet.

[725] And I want to live my life.

[726] Right, right, right.

[727] I'm going to stay here.

[728] I don't want to go in there, because people are dying, and I see people dying.

[729] Right, and why are we here?

[730] Well, I don't know why I'm here.

[731] If I'm 18 years old, do you think I truly grasp why I'm here?

[732] Yeah.

[733] Do you think I truly understand what manipulation has been put into place that allowed giant groups of men with guns to run at other giant groups of men with guns?

[734] Like, what is the real problem?

[735] They talked about, so in World War II, there was one Christmas where the German soldiers started singing American Christmas carols on Christmas.

[736] And Silent Night, I think.

[737] And then the Americans started singing with them.

[738] And then they had this in...

[739] Obviously, remember I'm Burt.

[740] I'm not a fucking historian, so don't light me up on this.

[741] But, like, this is how I heard it.

[742] And in that moment, they had a ceasefire.

[743] The soldiers had a ceasefire.

[744] And it sent the fucking colonels through the roof.

[745] Because they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[746] We're losing fucking control.

[747] And they said any person seen not fighting or seen extending, like, they had to get letters from one side to another side from the fucking people that were kept in camps, right?

[748] Okay, thank you.

[749] Thank you.

[750] I'm so sorry.

[751] I talk out of my ass.

[752] I don't know what I'm saying, but it is true.

[753] The truce of 1914.

[754] It was World War I. Wow.

[755] And then they said, all right, here's the deal.

[756] Anyone's seen trying to fucking have a truce?

[757] You get killed.

[758] We kill you.

[759] Because we need you to kill them.

[760] What a crazy thing to do and then go back to killing each other.

[761] Didn't they have truces, too, to play soccer games?

[762] Didn't they do that as well?

[763] I think that was a Sylvester Stallone movie.

[764] No, I think that really happened.

[765] I think there was like, there was, see, see what the fuck that is.

[766] Well, it's showing up as the same when I type it in.

[767] I typed it in World War I soccer truth and it shows up as the Christmas truth.

[768] So maybe they had, oh, so maybe during that, okay, that's what.

[769] Yeah, they did a soccer game during that.

[770] Okay, that makes sense.

[771] Imagine, you just go right back to killing each other.

[772] Those wars befuddle me. Like the idea that America would, and I understand, but America would just, just get involved.

[773] You know, I, like...

[774] Well, they're all...

[775] It's all weird, man, because you don't know the full story unless you suit...

[776] You got to delve into it, read all accounts by all parties, pro and con. You got to really sort through it to figure out what's propaganda and what's real.

[777] I got really into...

[778] I got really into World War II for a period of time.

[779] Both the Pacific and the European, I guess, because they're called theaters or whatever.

[780] I'm obsessed with Winston Churchill.

[781] He's just a...

[782] Fascinating man. Fucking fascinating man. I've got to pee so bad.

[783] Go pee.

[784] Let's pause this for a brief moment.

[785] Yeah, of course.

[786] Yes, sir.

[787] All right, that was World War II.

[788] Now, um...

[789] You know, my favorite ceasefire is?

[790] During World War I, they had a ceasefire with, uh...

[791] Was it the Russians and the...

[792] Who was it?

[793] It was the...

[794] I think it was the Russians and the Germans.

[795] They had a ceasefire and it was because of wolves.

[796] So many people were killed.

[797] Oh, I've heard you talk about that.

[798] Yeah, who, what were the two groups?

[799] I always fucked this up.

[800] I know one group was the Russians, Russians and Germans, right.

[801] So they had a ceasefire because so many of their soldiers were getting killed by wolves.

[802] That's, uh, and that's so funny.

[803] I tried to joke last night about what's wrong with Germans is they don't have any predators.

[804] Well, they did back then.

[805] They did at least when they tried going into Russia.

[806] But could you imagine you have an enemy that's invading you and you agree, we need to bond together.

[807] and kill this other enemy that is not human.

[808] I think that's a plot of...

[809] And then we go back to killing each other.

[810] That's a plot of predator.

[811] It is.

[812] I mean, this is such a crazy story.

[813] Parties of Russians and German scouts met recently and were hotly engaged in a skirmish when a large pack of wolves dashed on the scene and attacked the wounded.

[814] Have you ever seen the video of the cop going to give a parking ticket and the fucking 50 wolves run down the street?

[815] I don't think that's real.

[816] Oh, for real?

[817] Yeah, I don't think that's real.

[818] Do you know what I'm talking about, Jamie?

[819] Yeah, the Russian cop is going to a party ticket, and then he gets in their car and the wolves run by them?

[820] Jamie, we'll find out if it's real.

[821] I think someone told me that was CGI.

[822] Aw.

[823] Oh, speaking of CGI.

[824] I don't want to change all of our stuff, but...

[825] I don't know if it is C. The Roswell UFO thing from last week?

[826] Did you see that?

[827] Oh, the Jeremy Corbell thing?

[828] I didn't see Jeremy Corbell post it, but I saw a post of, like, five videos I'll show on this fucking object in the sky.

[829] Yeah.

[830] Yeah, this is over a military base.

[831] Yeah.

[832] Yeah, apparently, like, 50 people film this thing.

[833] So this is the, yeah, this is the Russian one.

[834] So watch.

[835] Oh, that bums me out of this.

[836] The cops is over here, he's talking, and then these wolves are running by.

[837] I don't know if that's real, man. It looks pretty real.

[838] It looks very real.

[839] The only way.

[840] What's the shadows?

[841] Shadows are perfect.

[842] Yeah, but they maybe, yeah, wow.

[843] If they do a time lapse of.

[844] Yeah, there's just two videos they put over each other.

[845] Like, those wolves did run down that street, but not the time those cars were there.

[846] Oh, wait, wait, I see what you're saying.

[847] So, wait, go back to him getting in the car.

[848] No, the wolves are there.

[849] Oh, he's reacting to them.

[850] Yeah.

[851] But that could be an actor.

[852] I don't know.

[853] They're not reacting to the cars, is what I'm saying.

[854] Right, but the wolves are just running, right?

[855] If they're not used to being around cars, but the cars are reacting to them, that car pulls over to the left to avoid the wolves.

[856] Yeah, I think that's real, man. Watch how the car reacts.

[857] Here's the other thing I'm looking at.

[858] That's the last, they'll be hard to fake, is the headlights from this car should be giving an extra shadow on these wolves coming this way, and it looks like it's only from the streetlight.

[859] See, there's no shadow coming this way.

[860] Interesting.

[861] Which means that those cars weren't there when the wolves were there.

[862] Maybe, sort of, depending on where the beams hit.

[863] It would be an interesting, I mean, it would be an interesting person that spent their time doing that.

[864] Yes, a forensic person.

[865] Like who's, I went to Reddit and did a Reddit, uh ama yeah i've never been on reddit i've never been on reddit reddit fucking reddit's like a fucking rattlesnake to me i don't hate it but i don't get near it i respect it i just don't want to fucking get bit because i hear like like mark norman lives on reddit like he'll he'll tell you stuff going on with you that you didn't know he did it last night he's like hey man i you can't talk to me about that stuff i don't i don't watch that stuff but i went into reddit and i thought it was going to be all like Q and on people.

[866] Right.

[867] It's regular human beings.

[868] Just regular human beings.

[869] Beautiful women.

[870] Hey.

[871] It's a trap, Bert.

[872] It's a trap.

[873] They're going to suck you in.

[874] They're going to suck you in.

[875] You're going to be there every day.

[876] And then they're going to go after you.

[877] Are those things?

[878] Want one of yours?

[879] I'll be addicted immediately.

[880] Oh, okay.

[881] I'll be addicted immediately.

[882] Unless it'll help me quit drinking and then I'll fucking do it in a heartbeat.

[883] You know, there's a lot of evidence that nicotine.

[884] is actually good for you.

[885] That's what Andrew Huberman said.

[886] Smoking is the best thing you do for your life.

[887] Andrew Huberman said, you're going to isolate this.

[888] No, I'm kidding.

[889] No, no, no. No, no. Wait, have you ever been in a fucking blimp?

[890] Isn't that, that looks like the thing I saw in the video.

[891] So just so we're clear.

[892] Oh, you're talking about the thing that was in the plane video, Jamie?

[893] No. Which video?

[894] There's, uh, this is one of them, I think.

[895] Well, let me tell you something.

[896] That thing.

[897] Oh, that thing.

[898] Yeah, this was in like a post, I saw.

[899] all today, showed this in five different videos.

[900] They said it was last week in Roswell.

[901] It's just sitting there.

[902] It doesn't move.

[903] Yeah, that totally could be a balloon.

[904] But do they just keep going higher and higher?

[905] Don't they just keep going higher and higher?

[906] Why would it be hovering?

[907] Yeah, I don't know why it was just sitting there.

[908] Or maybe they don't have enough helium to the only reach a certain threshold.

[909] Yeah, like a milar one.

[910] When you're at the end of a milar balloon, it just hangs out like it's a person in your room.

[911] This video that Mick posted said this is supposed to be to monitor pollution.

[912] But it also...

[913] Why would you make a giant silver thing?

[914] I don't know.

[915] It looks like a UFO to monitor pollution.

[916] How about make it look like a pollution monitoring device?

[917] Have you ever seen...

[918] I'm sure you have, but have you ever seen Elon's rockets re -enter the atmosphere?

[919] Yes, I have.

[920] So I had never...

[921] This is a while ago.

[922] This is back like...

[923] It was when we were in our old house, but I remember I was talking to Tom on the phone.

[924] And Ila's outside.

[925] And she's like, dad, dad, dad, dad.

[926] and I go out and it is so different than anything you've ever seen that I go Tommy Tommy look at the fucking sky look at the fucking sky he's like what I go go go outside he goes outside and he's like what the fuck is going on I mean we thought we were getting invaded by aliens for a second two grown men thought we were getting availed by aliens it looks so fucking bizarre like it does like a mushroom cloud and then a streak have you ever seen it no oh type in Elon's rockets re -entering the atmosphere well I've seen it on video but I haven't seen it in real life.

[927] You saw it in real life.

[928] I saw it in real life.

[929] It was in the sky over L .A. Like, it must be coming to Long Beach or something.

[930] And it looked so, it's, there's what it looks like.

[931] It's this crazy, fucking atmospheric change, and it looks like you're getting invaded by aliens.

[932] I did see one time in L .A. I was driving.

[933] Look at that, Joe.

[934] That's what we saw.

[935] I go, Tommy, go outside.

[936] He goes outside.

[937] He's like, what the fuck is going on?

[938] And I'm like, I was like, are we getting invaded by aliens?

[939] it looks fucking crazy which what year was this it was like 2017 or 18 it happened two or three times I remember yeah it happened one time I feel like I saw but it was before that there was a I was in I was in Hollywood and I saw this thing streaking across the sky I was like what the fuck is that night yeah but this was like I think it was pre -social media days oh no this was Instagram days Instagram stories because as I was talking to Tommy I put on Instagram stories and I recorded it It didn't record our audio Which I thought would be a viral fucking clip Because both Tom and I thought We were getting invaded by aliens And I'm watching it But it is Joe, it is like It's pretty freaky You see something like that It's freaky as shit Imagine if you did see something like that And it was aliens Do you know how wild that day would be You know the wild the day Of like three football side football field size ships Just penetrate into the Los Angeles atmosphere and starting hovering over the city.

[940] Just alerting us to their presence and just saying, enough is enough.

[941] Let's fucking suck this out here.

[942] What's the first thing?

[943] Fuckheads.

[944] What's the first thing is going on in our cultural, like...

[945] Money, politics.

[946] Take money out of politics.

[947] Take it all out.

[948] Oh, yeah.

[949] Nobody can donate.

[950] Yeah, there's no money.

[951] No, yeah.

[952] No, yeah.

[953] You can't profit.

[954] You just need leaders.

[955] You need leaders now.

[956] You need leaders.

[957] You need leaders.

[958] What else goes away?

[959] Like bars stay open.

[960] Barstay open.

[961] Barstay open.

[962] You got to give people freedom because if you keep taking away freedom, eventually it's going to come for the things that you hold dear.

[963] That's just a thing that happens.

[964] And everybody wants less.

[965] You've got to control people more and do this.

[966] It's not good.

[967] We're always going to have problems.

[968] There's never going to be like a perfect state where hundreds of men.

[969] millions of human beings get along and, like, completely harmonious unless we all do mushrooms.

[970] You are, you, I'm just saying, your new hour is selling mushrooms pretty fucking good.

[971] Could you come out with your own mushroom?

[972] I don't think that's legal.

[973] It is.

[974] And I don't know what you're talking about.

[975] No, it definitely is.

[976] I take the Lionsbane, Bert Kreisher.

[977] Is Lions being good?

[978] Oh, yeah, Lionsman too.

[979] I've taken Lionsbane, but that's like a regular.

[980] Listen, a lot of, there's a lot of benefit to mushrooms.

[981] Quarterseps mushrooms are fantastic.

[982] Those are really good.

[983] That's a big part of that shroom tech supplement that on it makes.

[984] There's a lion's mane is great for you.

[985] It's great.

[986] There's a bunch of like really neuroprotective aspects of like certain mushrooms and nutrients.

[987] Like there's a lot of good stuff you can take.

[988] And mushrooms are in that group, including psilocybin.

[989] What's is mushrooms are legal in Colorado.

[990] I think everything is legal in Portland or in, in Oregon.

[991] Oregon is the first state that decriminalized.

[992] They decriminalized everything.

[993] They decriminalized, like literally, cocaine, heroin.

[994] Oregon.

[995] And I think they did it in Vancouver, too.

[996] But listen to this.

[997] This one dude opened up a store.

[998] Oh, you can sell Coke in Vancouver.

[999] Well, this guy, he opened up a store called the drugs store.

[1000] And it just tells you when it was tested.

[1001] Like, this is tested, like April 23rd.

[1002] And it's, you just buy cocaine.

[1003] You buy cocaine.

[1004] Someone just told me about that.

[1005] Like, what the thing?

[1006] fuck this mobile vancouver store mobile good move bro just started illegally selling cocaine heroin and meth meth bro imagine selling meth i mean that's like like you know that's bad for you right like who the fuck wants people to be doing meth if you're selling meth you're you're profiting off of terrible decision making right agreed i've heard a couple of people have some good math stories really i have one of our friends one of our friends stories when the stories oh when the night is over i have we have a friend i won't i won't say his name here and i'll and i'll never say it okay and we were all we were all about to hang out can i guess can i guess who yeah okay okay okay yeah and if you guess it right i'll okay i'll tell you we're all hanging out we're all about to go hang out again and he was telling me and joe okay it's not joe ds he was telling me and joe ds a story about this chick and he was like I can't even say...

[1007] Okay, let's not.

[1008] You're gonna get somebody in trouble, aren't you?

[1009] But no, there's a long time ago.

[1010] He was like, fucking 12 years ago.

[1011] I understand.

[1012] And he was like, I did meth last night.

[1013] And so he's like, what the fuck?

[1014] He goes, I know!

[1015] I was trying to fuck this chick.

[1016] And she pulled out meth?

[1017] And he was like, ah, you know.

[1018] Wow.

[1019] That's right.

[1020] I remember that story.

[1021] Do you know who it is?

[1022] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1023] Yeah.

[1024] Oh my God, I forgot about that.

[1025] Yeah.

[1026] Yeah, that's a wild decision.

[1027] to make.

[1028] Like you're alone with a person you just met who wants to do math with you.

[1029] How all in on this life experience are you?

[1030] Joey goes, did you fuck her?

[1031] And he goes, we did meth, Joey.

[1032] We definitely fucked.

[1033] Oh, my God.

[1034] But don't they say that Adderall is like very similar chemically.

[1035] It's very similar.

[1036] It's like it's a type of amphetamine, right?

[1037] So if you went bonkers with Adderall, if you had some dude who could just give you all the Adderall you need, like some homie that works at the Adderall factory, and he sells you a barrel of these fucking things.

[1038] If you just chewed them all day long, like you would just be like a person doing meth, right?

[1039] Well, if I'm not mistaken, and I apologize over this, it's weird, but I think that's what Malaney said in his special was that Adderall was one of his problems, too.

[1040] Yeah, I think that happens.

[1041] Yeah, Adderall is, I've done both.

[1042] I've done Adderall, I've done Ritalin, and I've done Coke.

[1043] Coke is way more fun than the other two, but the other two, I actually enjoy more.

[1044] Like, if you take an Adderall, you just, your diet, you don't want to eat, you feel fog, you could, you have the focus to skin a grape.

[1045] I mean, you could fucking focus.

[1046] Damn.

[1047] Dude.

[1048] Making sound exciting.

[1049] Adderall is the shit.

[1050] I remember taking, I remember taking an Adderall and just sitting down and writing a script.

[1051] Back in the day, all the top pool players would take amphetamines.

[1052] Darts, same, bro.

[1053] And darts, same thing?

[1054] Darts is like a big fucking speed place.

[1055] I shouldn't say all the top pool players, but in all honesty, a lot of them.

[1056] And I shouldn't say darts because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

[1057] This was a long -ass time ago, like in the 70s and shit.

[1058] There's some great books that were written about those days.

[1059] But these guys would play for 24 hours, 48 hours.

[1060] They'd stay up for days, just taking pills and gambling until one guy goes broke or one guy quits.

[1061] They didn't want people quitting on anybody, so the thing.

[1062] is like if you're up ahead, so like if you and I were gambling and you're ahead of me and you're, you have all of my money and you, and I want to keep gambling until I'm completely broke, you're like obliged to drain the person.

[1063] You're obliged to like carry it out to the bitter end because maybe that guy might claw is way back.

[1064] And then 18 hours later, now you're breaking even like, oh my God, but he wants to keep playing.

[1065] So you got to go into the bathroom I'm going to take pills, and you come out, you're fucking jacked up with huge pupils.

[1066] And you're just gambling for days like that.

[1067] That was a lot of those guys.

[1068] Wild fellas.

[1069] Wild human beings, man. They deliver, man. Those pills and Coke, they deliver.

[1070] I bet they do.

[1071] They give you what.

[1072] You know what Coke's like?

[1073] Coke's like the first time you had unprotected sex, and you were like, whoa, fuck.

[1074] Coke's like that.

[1075] Cokes like that.

[1076] I believe you.

[1077] No one's disputing it either.

[1078] No one.

[1079] No one.

[1080] Just keep the fuck away from it.

[1081] Some people will tell you, yeah, I don't like drinking.

[1082] It makes me tired.

[1083] Like Dice's like, ah, what are you having?

[1084] I said, Buffalo Trace.

[1085] He goes, man, I have one of those.

[1086] I'm asleep.

[1087] No one's ever liked that on Coke.

[1088] That's what I hear.

[1089] It doesn't seem like a moment.

[1090] Same with the fucking Zins.

[1091] Everyone's, if I have money, I'd invest in that fucking company.

[1092] It's according to Huberman, it's a good way to get nicotine and nicotine does have like neuroprotective benefits like the punch is a bunch of cool shit about nicotine the problem is cigarettes the problem is uh tobacco when you smoke it and it gets into your lungs dip is the best i miss dip you like dip i loved dip i have a good cigar i really do enjoy a good cigar oh i love cigars i want one right now i want one right fucking now let's have one right let's have one right fucking now hold please look at that humidor oh fuck yeah ladies and gentlemen We'll take a very brief cigar break Joe Rogan This is a good fucking cigar Who is this the same guys that we're doing?

[1093] Foundation, yeah, foundation cigars They're the shit Mmm, mm, mm, Yeah, this is a special one That he made just for us It's really good And Bobby Kelly liked it Which is like, hey, that guy likes it Bobby actually knows cigars He's one of those guys that Right, he could tell you Like, I can't tell you from shit about cigars it's pretty simple there's only like a couple wraps right and there's a and the sizes are what makes it a type of bit complicated i'm a big ring gauge fan yeah i grew up in florida so like a fat boy oh yeah yeah yeah those are nice those i like a big ring gauge kind of smoother right uh the draw i think the draw is a little easier but these are these are beautiful fucking cigars this is a medoro rapper i think if i'm not mistaken and it's i like a nice heavy cigar Yeah, it's perfect for me. I love it.

[1094] It's really good.

[1095] Yeah, that's cool.

[1096] It's cool.

[1097] Yeah, man. I like it.

[1098] I can't believe you're my fucking friend.

[1099] I can't believe you're my friend.

[1100] No, but I'm way luckier.

[1101] Dude, you keep saying that.

[1102] We're all fucking lucky, man. We're all lucky, 100%.

[1103] It's all symbiotic.

[1104] Yeah.

[1105] You know?

[1106] Yeah, you enjoy all of it more when you have friends that are also doing it.

[1107] That's a big part of what's going on.

[1108] I called Joey Diaz the other day.

[1109] and talked to him in a while Joey Diaz lit the place on fire when he was in town I bet it was so fun to watch it was really exciting just to have him around again and you should see him light up when he saw the sign in the green room that says get it together bitch I go that's your quote Joey my daughters say that to us my daughters are working on fully loaded again this year and they go his uncle Joey come in because they only really know him as an uncle for real Right, right.

[1110] And I go, no, I don't think so.

[1111] And Georgia goes, hold on.

[1112] We've got to see him one more time, Ted.

[1113] Like, Ila need to see him live.

[1114] Island needs to see him live.

[1115] Because Georgia toured with him.

[1116] Georgia tore with him.

[1117] George knows him his uncle.

[1118] And he would, you know, Joey, he would say the wildest fucking shit.

[1119] Fuck, cancel culture.

[1120] You can't trust a dot, dot, dot with a whistle.

[1121] Right.

[1122] And George is like, and George is blown away.

[1123] And George is super woke, right?

[1124] And she goes, she goes, can you get him to come to force?

[1125] That's where we're opening fully loaded in New York at Forst Hills at the tennis arena.

[1126] And it's a fucking thick list.

[1127] She goes, can you get Uncle Joey to go?

[1128] Dad, Dad, Dad, please.

[1129] Isla's got to watch Uncle Joey.

[1130] So I called me the night to talk about it and then we ended up change, you know, Joey's quick.

[1131] What's up, Tazan?

[1132] Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, all right, yeah, hey, keep killing it.

[1133] I'm proud of you, cock sucker, and then he hangs up and, like, fuck, I forgot to ask him what I was going to ask him.

[1134] But yeah, we're going to try to get Joey to come out to that.

[1135] Gillis is on it.

[1136] It's just always great to get Joey around people who love them too.

[1137] You know, I mean, it's just, he needs, he needs that comic energy.

[1138] Yeah, he does.

[1139] He does.

[1140] He needs that comic energy.

[1141] I mean, everybody loves him everywhere, though.

[1142] That's the thing about, like, where he's set up.

[1143] Like, when we saw him in New Jersey, like, God, he's never moving out of here.

[1144] He's the king of New Jersey.

[1145] He loves it, man. He fucking loves it.

[1146] Towns are built for certain people, or certain people are built for towns.

[1147] Yeah, well, he's got a great place.

[1148] And Joey's, Joey was never built for L .A. No, no, no. He was built for Jersey.

[1149] He knows the guy that makes sandwiches down the street.

[1150] He can, he goes in, you know, Joey does, it's interesting.

[1151] A little high because Joey's weed's pretty fucking aggressive.

[1152] It's aggressive, right?

[1153] It is fucking, you know, it's the most sought after weed in all of L .A.?

[1154] It'll convince you that something's happening to your body.

[1155] Don't do that, dude.

[1156] Don't tell me your thoughts.

[1157] That's the kind of weed.

[1158] No, I'm not saying my thoughts.

[1159] No, but now I go, what's going on in my body?

[1160] But it's kind of one of those like, what's going on in my foot?

[1161] You know, they go to them.

[1162] It's weird.

[1163] Is my toe numb?

[1164] Why does my toe hurt like that?

[1165] That feels weird.

[1166] I smoked somebody's jelly's weed.

[1167] I'm going to come home and I'm like...

[1168] You make you uncomfortable.

[1169] I had...

[1170] I'm sitting there and I'm sitting in my man cave or my gym is my man came now.

[1171] My gym and I'm on the computer and I just feel a little like saliva in my cheek right here.

[1172] Like right there and I go, oh, that's crazy.

[1173] I just notice it.

[1174] I go, that's crazy.

[1175] And then it shows back up.

[1176] I go, am I having a stroke?

[1177] Oh, Jesus.

[1178] And I go, oh my God.

[1179] Is this side of my face?

[1180] And now I'm sitting high as far.

[1181] in a mirror smiling to myself to make sure I'm not having a stroke.

[1182] Joey's weed will fucking throw you sideways.

[1183] Here's the thing I was going to say, and before comedy was around, guys like Joey Diaz, Joey could walk away from comedy and find what he does on stage in society.

[1184] You know, that's the way Joey operates, and I think that's why he loves Jersey.

[1185] He goes in, sees this deli guy, and they chop it up for like 20 minutes, and then Joey did like a tight five, right?

[1186] Like, that personality is authentically a New York, New York Jersey personality.

[1187] Right, but what Joey can do on stage is so unique.

[1188] Oh, dear.

[1189] And when he gets rolling, it's so unique that I feel like, no matter what else he does, at this stage of his life, like, it's so hard to get to be that funny.

[1190] Yeah.

[1191] Why would you stop doing that?

[1192] His new book, Tremendous is out on Amazon.

[1193] You can't stop doing that.

[1194] He's too good.

[1195] He's too good.

[1196] He's too fun.

[1197] He's too fun to be around.

[1198] Dude, he would be...

[1199] He was so fun what is in town, just hanging out in the green room.

[1200] He's so fun.

[1201] The part I miss about Joey the most is when just hanging with him.

[1202] Yeah.

[1203] And when he wasn't trying to be funny and he was fucking hilarious.

[1204] Yeah.

[1205] One of the hardest he's ever made me laugh is we're sitting there.

[1206] I made him say it again on a podcast that made me laugh so hard.

[1207] We're sitting at Marie I see.

[1208] were having having, I was doing a cleanse where I was having green tea and he was having coffee and he was smoking cigarettes back then he was smoking him on the DL no one knew don't tell nobody and I go Joey what was prison like and he was very casual he goes dog if you think black guys allowed in a movie theater that's such a Joey Diaz line but he wasn't trying to be funny I know, but that's him.

[1209] That's him.

[1210] And I was, I go, Joey, is that a bit?

[1211] And he's like, no, I'm telling you, dog.

[1212] Up all night, right, right, right, right.

[1213] Joey's just the fucking purest.

[1214] Sometimes I repeat stories.

[1215] Have you ever heard a story about our polar plunge Christmas Eve with his daughter, Mercy?

[1216] I believe so.

[1217] It's the best.

[1218] That's that bloodline.

[1219] That's that bloodline.

[1220] He's a beautiful person.

[1221] I love him to death.

[1222] He's one of the best guys ever.

[1223] And, you know, just, if I could just get them to come around every now and again, I'm good.

[1224] So that's what we're going to try to do.

[1225] I just told them any time.

[1226] Just you tell me, I'll take care of everything.

[1227] You have somebody to pick you up.

[1228] I have someone to drop you off.

[1229] I have someone to drive you around.

[1230] I'll fly you out.

[1231] I'll take care of you.

[1232] Like, come on out.

[1233] Anytime you want.

[1234] Just you tell me. And then we'll put the machine in motion, not the machine, but a machine.

[1235] Put the machine in motion.

[1236] I'll come down too.

[1237] We'll send the actual machine to escort you to.

[1238] the mothership.

[1239] I said that to him when we did full of load.

[1240] I said whatever you need, I got you.

[1241] He's the best.

[1242] You do that sometimes like when, that's the problem with these businesses and managers and agents is like it's like, you know, you go, they misspeak for you.

[1243] And you're like, like, even like back in the day, trying to get Joey on full of loaded and it just was not happening.

[1244] I go, hold on.

[1245] I call Joey.

[1246] I go, hey man, whatever you want.

[1247] Whatever the fuck you want.

[1248] You know I love you.

[1249] Whatever you want.

[1250] Right.

[1251] And he's like, Oh, for real?

[1252] And I'm like, yeah, don't listen to anyone talking about my team.

[1253] Just trust me, I got you.

[1254] Because, like, I know I get like that.

[1255] Like, certain things will spook me, you know?

[1256] And I go, yeah, I don't want to fucking do that.

[1257] And then managers love having something, a little fulcrum to leverage you against something else.

[1258] And then we were talking about that last night.

[1259] It's just little fulcrums to like, I, and then can I get this guy in there too?

[1260] Okay, then you can also have this guy.

[1261] And you're like, what the fuck?

[1262] How did that happen?

[1263] It was like I told I told two people to their face I told Chappelle I'm bad with secrets and I just met Dave so I'm not going to say any of secrets Like I'm bad with secrets I don't even know that I tell people's secrets Is that a part of drinking?

[1264] No, it's part of me wanting to please you Oh Now we're going deep I'm in therapy Now we're going deep I have a lot of problems And one of this is I want everyone to be happy So I overshare And I over and I guess it's good Oh, it's fun.

[1265] It's fun.

[1266] It makes good comedy.

[1267] Yes, it does.

[1268] My wife was in the back of a little boy last night being like, yo, definitely can't talk about Ila like that.

[1269] Right.

[1270] I was like, for real?

[1271] She's like, no. Tell a story about Ila and never mind.

[1272] Yeah, don't do it again.

[1273] Don't do it.

[1274] And so like, but, yeah, over a share, but it's like, I don't know.

[1275] That's interesting.

[1276] It's like, do you feel like you have to?

[1277] Yeah.

[1278] I feel like I'm not good enough.

[1279] Oh, no. Is why I love Tommy so much and why I look up to him in so many ways is that Tommy knows he's good enough.

[1280] Tommy knows his worth.

[1281] What's the difference in you and Tommy?

[1282] Why do you think that he knows his worth and you don't seem to know your worth even though there's so much evidence?

[1283] There's so much evidence that you're loved.

[1284] Yeah.

[1285] So how would that not be enough?

[1286] I don't think I don't think about it that way or is that not it no no no I think I think I think it's are we had very different dads mm -hmm and I think Tom for whatever reason and I think we're both really close with our dads we're both we're both really he was really close with his dad I think his dad just raised him a different way and I think my dad raised me a different way and I think whatever my dad did it left me with a little bit of a hole and no slight to my dad but it left me with a little bit of a hole that turned me into a performer to make one to make sure like like my dad would be like if if like the iraq war started and I said uh I said this is fucking stupid my dad goes go to your fucking room you're fucking idiot you don't know what you're talking about he's like can stay up there until you figure out what's wrong with you and then I'm sitting up there going like I got to get out of my room I'm 16 at the time I'm like I got to get out of my room how am I fucking idiot why am i fucking idiot i don't and then i was like okay i was forced to sit with it and i was like i don't know anything about why we're going to war with iraq i don't know anything i don't know anything about war i know i've never been to war my dad okay i'm gonna go down and i talk to my dad about it my dad's like this is why you're an idiot tell me why you think i don't know anything about this war he goes yeah son was saying is gassing his own people because they're a different religion a different ethnicity and he goes and so we came to protect half of that fucking country here's the other thing that's cool this is the first war we're getting to watch start on We're watching a war start like a fucking Super Bowl so sit down with me and let's watch the fucking war And I was like wait we're watching a war who's like yeah, it's on CNN watch this and and you remember that you remember the fucking Iraq war with like the first when we were kids you were probably like 18 and then they just like B to B and you watch a fucking Tomahawk missile head in and you're watching people walk into the fucking capital in in in night vision and I'm I'm like, oh, this is fucking crazy.

[1287] Yeah.

[1288] That was my dad.

[1289] And I don't, I can't speak for Tommy, but I know Tommy was really close with his dad.

[1290] And I think his dad, for lack of better words, I hope this comes off respectful to my dad, was a little bit more of a man. His dad was, no, no, no, no. My dad's a man, trust me. My dad's a man. But Tom's dad fought in Vietnam.

[1291] Tom's dad did a fucking couple tours.

[1292] Tom's dad was a champion power lifter.

[1293] Like, I think we had different dads.

[1294] dad ran track he didn't go to the works he had allergies you know like like he wouldn't let him in the Vietnam War and so like him in well yeah he didn't pass a physical wow yeah he had allergies Jesus and like they're like we can't send you in there and all of a sudden you shut down because you have hay fever oh right like then you then you're just like eh in the middle of a fucking do that war is a scariest war to me because it's the most yeah because it's the most nonsensical it was started off of a false flag no one felt strongly about going over there to die no one felt strongly about the cause it seemed insane to everybody and it went on for years I remember when it ended because I was a kid do you really yeah I was living in San Francisco and I remember thinking naively that this is great because now there's never going to be war again I really remember that thought I guess I was like 10 or something like that 10 or 11 it was just weird it was It was a weird thing to just imagine that they forced people and to go fighting some more that nobody understood.

[1295] And that might have been connected to heroin.

[1296] Might have been connected to heroin.

[1297] Have you been to Vietnam?

[1298] No, I have not.

[1299] People love it over there.

[1300] Bordana's like it was his favorite place.

[1301] It'll change your cultural DNA.

[1302] Like the way you see the world's never the same.

[1303] I'd say the same about Japan, though.

[1304] Japan's pretty fucking dope.

[1305] pretty dope is Japan's like Japan's like it's it shouldn't be legal like you just weird shit like robot fuck shows and and then all of a sudden you go to the subway and no one's speaking they're all holding hands I passed out on a Japanese dude in a subway I was drunk I passed out on this poor guy and he didn't do anything he just let me sleep on him I woke up he was just like hi yeah they have a very respectful culture in terms of like the way people walked on the street Yeah.

[1306] People give people plenty of space.

[1307] They seem to navigate it much more easily.

[1308] But then, like, you see in some cultures, they just kind of, there's so many people that just kind of bump into each other.

[1309] Like, apparently in China, that's a thing.

[1310] Oh, in Vietnam, it's, I made the analogy in Japan.

[1311] It's like no one touches each other in Vietnam.

[1312] They got their fingers in your mouth.

[1313] Oh, no, not really, but like figuratively.

[1314] Like, it's really aggressive.

[1315] I drove a motorcycle through traffic in Vietnam.

[1316] And it was thrilling and terrifying.

[1317] Really?

[1318] Yeah, because it's almost like New York, but New York on fucking steroids because you got to like, you don't pay attention to who's behind you, you just pay attention to who's in front of you.

[1319] And you're almost racing everyone.

[1320] It was fucking crazy.

[1321] I drove old Russian Ural through the streets of Vietnam.

[1322] Same motorcycle I had one.

[1323] I think it was the same motorcycle we had out of the farm stay when you called me. Ah, right.

[1324] That was fucking, what a great call.

[1325] What a great fucking call.

[1326] I'm going to write a book.

[1327] I'm going to write a book out of like top ten things Joe Rogan said to me. But every now and then I get one like...

[1328] Look at this.

[1329] This is Vietnam.

[1330] I know I've seen this.

[1331] This is insanity.

[1332] Imagine being a motorcycle with a kid on your back.

[1333] A kid?

[1334] Dude, they got their whole family on the back of that thing.

[1335] Oh, it's so insane.

[1336] Look at everyone's got two people.

[1337] Some people have three and four people.

[1338] Yeah, it's so insane.

[1339] Look, there's three people right there.

[1340] That's four people.

[1341] So insane.

[1342] Two people in boxes on that one?

[1343] But don't you think people just kind of get used to that, though?

[1344] Like, I think people get accustomed to almost anything.

[1345] Like, we're accustomed to driving cars now.

[1346] That shit has only been around for 100 years.

[1347] It's so weird.

[1348] So weird driving around in a fucking car everywhere.

[1349] It's only been around for a short amount of time.

[1350] And we're just so accustomed to it.

[1351] It's just normal.

[1352] When you think about, like, taking horses across the country?

[1353] Right.

[1354] Have you written a horse lately?

[1355] No. Fuck horses.

[1356] You know a gangster of those people?

[1357] Not fuck horses I don't love horses Let me be quick Fuck I should have I want to rephrase I say bad things sometimes I don't mean to Fuck me riding a horse Oh I thought you meant That's what I meant Fuck horses Fuck horses Like fuck horses I'm not getting on horses Not fuck them I think they're beautiful Amazing creatures You know what I'm really Kind of sad about Honestly What?

[1358] That there's a lot of wild horses In this country And they're trying to figure out What to do with them And And they might wind up killing them.

[1359] No. Yeah, they might want, I mean, I think there's people that are proposing, like, getting rid of a certain amount of them.

[1360] I don't know what they do with them now.

[1361] Like, how do they handle wild horses now?

[1362] But there was this argument, like, that they just can't let them get to a point where they, like, where there's no predators for wild horses.

[1363] And they just start overwhelming the population in some of these areas.

[1364] and like there's cattle that graze in these areas and the horse and the cattle compete for food and what do they but there's a lot of wild horses in this country it's kind of a sad animal to be wild it's like wild dogs no it's beautiful I was in Crow Territory up in either South Dakota or Montana and we were driving motorcycles for Travel Channel and we took a helicopter we hunted a buffalo with the Crow Nation shot the buffalo processed it then they take us back and they put us on our motorcycles and they're like hey we're going to meet up at the bottom everyone's going to have a drink and i'm on my motorcycle i did not have a drink in me and i and the sun setting we're driving through the hills like the you know the the fucking hills and as i'm listening to wilco in my headsets in my with my helmet on on a fucking indian judge i think it was a or a of it was a judge whatever the fucking judge was a fucking pack of wild horses starts running next to me and i'm like and no one's around no cameras no film just me We'll go and fucking seven horses at a full fucking sprint keeping up with me on the motorcycle.

[1365] The sun's setting and I'm just thinking, motherfucker, no one's going to believe this.

[1366] No one's going to ever see this.

[1367] It's just your moment you have in life.

[1368] Wow, horses are fucking beautiful.

[1369] Beautiful.

[1370] No, I should rephrase what I'm saying.

[1371] I don't think, here's my thought on it.

[1372] Like, what I don't want them to be killed like a. I don't want to be it's weird I don't want people to hunt wild horses oh no right so like so you can't the best way to control populations is either you send someone out to kill them or you let people hunt them and for all the other animals like the deer species and elk and stuff they let people hunt them and that's how they keep populations in check but with this one it's like you can't I don't you know like who wants to go out and shoot dogs nobody do they do that no but I mean no yeah no I guess they probably do with wild dogs are a problem yeah so i think an elderly man got killed recently by wild dogs in like georgia something oh dude that down south which is really scary down south you can still get attacked by dogs yeah i went for a jogging alabama and my wife's family lives i went for a jogging i Georgia Alabama and a dog chased me like i you just forget people don't have fences everywhere there right their dog heard me jogging on the street from their porch and started running at me and i just thought at some point it'll stop.

[1373] Right.

[1374] I jumped up onto a Baptist church.

[1375] You know, like they have the foundation with the cross and the name.

[1376] Praise Jesus.

[1377] I jumped up and I had to standing up there as this dog just stood there and barked at me. And I sat, I'm in running shorts, headsets.

[1378] And I'm just sitting there waiting for the dog to get done.

[1379] And we sat there for 30 fucking minutes.

[1380] The dog like sat for a second.

[1381] And then I'm like, oh my God.

[1382] Like is anyone going to fucking help me?

[1383] And you just sit there.

[1384] I think people forget just how fragile we are as animals like we are versus other animals Some people are just dopey and irresponsible And just let their dog run around That's a common thing too But the thing about this wild dogs Is like once you've got a population A wild dogs breeding in the woods You basically got something that's kind of like a wolf Very much It's kind of like a small shitty wolf Oh my God Fuck off He fought for his life against three large large dogs oh my god this guy got torn apart pit bulls and a german shepherd jesus fucking and they were all in the same team he said he kept it they kept attacking me for like 15 minutes roll that down uh it's it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it was actually it oh my god three dogs um two of them were pit bulls the third one was a german shepherd one with a german shepherd one of them attacked me when it did it triggered the other two and they joined in they were attacking me from all sides.

[1385] I was trying to keep them away from the inside of my legs where the femoral arteries are and away from my neck.

[1386] I had nothing with me to fend them off.

[1387] I was desperately grabbing sticks to hit them, but the sticks were decayed and kept falling apart.

[1388] They kept attacking me for what seemed like 15 minutes.

[1389] I was physically and mentally exhausted.

[1390] I was trying to figure out what to do.

[1391] I considered falling on the ground and rolling up in a ball and playing dead like you're supposed to do with bears.

[1392] I considered screaming for help, but I knew no one would hear me. My four -wheeler and my cell phone were 150 yards away, and I knew I would never make it there.

[1393] I finally remembered that there's a tree stand nearby the adjoining property.

[1394] I found a good stick, and I was able to keep the dogs at a distance until I could get to that stand and climb up on it.

[1395] In the stand, Scott was able to catch his breath, get his heart rate down, and keep the first good look at his wounds.

[1396] He was in bad shape.

[1397] He had punctures and lacerations of both arms and both hands, and from his waist down to his ankles.

[1398] He needs medical attention immediately.

[1399] I sat in the stand for about 30 minutes after the dogs left.

[1400] He said, when I got down, they heard me rustling.

[1401] They heard the rustling of the leaves under my boots.

[1402] They came running back in.

[1403] So Scott rushed back into the tree stand and waited another 30 minutes after the dogs left.

[1404] This time, he purposely made a lot of noise to see if the dogs would return.

[1405] They did not.

[1406] He decided to head in the opposite direction away from his four -wheeler and where the dogs had come from.

[1407] I found a good stick and I quietly tiptoed to a fence.

[1408] line.

[1409] It was about 60 yards away.

[1410] I climbed over the fence and then hiked about a half a mile through a cow pasture out to the highway.

[1411] I stood.

[1412] I didn't know the story was going to be so long.

[1413] I'm apologizing.

[1414] I apologize.

[1415] I feel like I'm so fucking.

[1416] This guy got fucked up by dogs.

[1417] The end.

[1418] So he.

[1419] 298 puncture wounds and lacerations.

[1420] Yeah.

[1421] A lot of stitches to fix them up.

[1422] So I guess he got out.

[1423] A couple guys alone in a pickup truck drove around me. Yeah.

[1424] Okay.

[1425] There it is.

[1426] So he got help.

[1427] No rabies.

[1428] That's my, okay, let's go, let's work this into this bit.

[1429] This is why Germans are weak, because Germans don't have predators, right?

[1430] This is what I was trying to say.

[1431] If you grew up with predators, right?

[1432] Predators, like, I think, like, I grew up getting attacked by dogs.

[1433] Like that, in Florida?

[1434] You think that helped you?

[1435] No, you can get me anxiety.

[1436] It does, when you were a kid, when I was a kid, like, if you saw a dog on the street, it could always be touching go.

[1437] Like, you never knew.

[1438] You always moved away from a dog that you just saw water around.

[1439] How are your daughters around the street?

[1440] strange dog.

[1441] They know.

[1442] Yeah, they're like, yeah.

[1443] Because I've seen bad dogs, good dogs, they've seen dogs.

[1444] And some dogs, you know, you just can't trust them.

[1445] You don't know them.

[1446] No. You know, you've really, you have no idea what's going on with that dog.

[1447] And most dogs are great, you know, big fan of dogs.

[1448] Most dogs until they're not.

[1449] And people that get, like, really violent dogs.

[1450] Dogs are like, hey, you know, you got a trainer, you got a trainer.

[1451] You got, like a wild monster that lives with you now.

[1452] Do you ever get, you ever about to say something?

[1453] And then someone talks over you and you go, that was a good call, man. I should say that.

[1454] I was about to say the most horrible thing.

[1455] I was about, I was about, I was about say the most horrible thing.

[1456] And then I was like, I was like, I was like, yeah, man. In Florida, we had gators.

[1457] We had lightning.

[1458] We had sharks.

[1459] We had a lot of poisonous snakes.

[1460] Poisonous spiders.

[1461] We have molesters.

[1462] That was really big when I was a kid.

[1463] Jesus.

[1464] They killed that kid Adam Walsh, Adam Walsh, in Miami.

[1465] Right.

[1466] And so that was my tornadoes, hurricanes.

[1467] Like, we had a lot of things that could kill you.

[1468] I remember we were in Hawaii.

[1469] I was doing a hike with this Hawaiian dude.

[1470] And Isla was terrified.

[1471] Like, Ila has a fear of bees.

[1472] She has a fear of, like, spiders and stuff.

[1473] And she was talking to him about snakes.

[1474] And the guy said, oh, we don't have snakes in Hawaii.

[1475] And then then we go, we get.

[1476] get done the hike we end up at like a restaurant or whatever having a drink wherever we went to with the guy and he's very low key and i said uh something about like you know this is island living and she and she said to me and it was an inside of a you know the the from a babe's mouth to a whatever she goes uh dad they don't have snakes that's all you need to know about this guy like what you mean she goes that's why he's so chill he's never had to deal with snakes i go what she goes every time i go in the yard i'm looking for snakes like anytime i walk outside i'm looking for snakes Like, that's the way when rattlesnakes are a thing in your community, like you grew, where you lived back in L .A., that was rattlesnake central.

[1477] Oh, for sure.

[1478] You never walked into your backyard not thinking there might be a rattlesnake.

[1479] No, my dog's got bit multiple times.

[1480] And when that's your reality, it changes the way you look at life.

[1481] Fucking Australians got everything that could kill them.

[1482] Yeah.

[1483] Everything.

[1484] I mean, they got those saltwater crocks.

[1485] Dude, you can't, you know, you can't go on the beach at night in northern Australia you can't go on the beach at night because crocs are just laying on the beach and you'll think it's a log and sit on them oh my Jesus Christ shut the fuck up they they told us that when we went we went to go to the Great Barrier Reef they're like do not go on the beach at night do you know what a horrific death that would be if you're a little tipsy and you just sit down on what you think is a log I didn't show you this video yesterday no what are you out for me uh it was we went around yesterday as a like what happened in Florida, a 23 -year -old dude went out for a piss in the back behind a bar in a rural area and lost his arm.

[1486] And it's all, not the attack isn't on video, but him thrashing in the water afterwards is.

[1487] And then they pull him out and the arm missing and pulling a turnericket on with a guy with a cigarette hanging out over him.

[1488] That's where I fucking grew up.

[1489] I don't even want to see that.

[1490] I know you, it's, that's why I don't show me that.

[1491] Anyone that ever says like, hey, Bert, why would you ever fuck around with Xanax?

[1492] I grew up like that.

[1493] We grew up on a lake, on a lake, living in the lake.

[1494] We was swim in the lake, knowing at any moment a gator could take you away from your family and take him back to his nest and sit with you in his mouth for fucking four days until your body rotted.

[1495] And then they do the death roll on the bottom.

[1496] I mean, dude.

[1497] And then you think about like, you think about like that.

[1498] So that creates a person, right?

[1499] Australia, that creates a person.

[1500] Those are realities in their life.

[1501] That creates that person, right?

[1502] All those trauma.

[1503] It's not trauma, but like.

[1504] They're kind of similar in a way.

[1505] What's that?

[1506] Oh, yeah, but then you look at Germans.

[1507] They got nothing.

[1508] They got nothing.

[1509] But I was thinking that Australians, I mean, Australians and Florida people, there's a lot in common.

[1510] Fucking cousins.

[1511] Yeah.

[1512] Maybe that's what it is.

[1513] Maybe it's like a certain breed of people that has to deal with dangerous environments.

[1514] Like, Australians have to deal with sharks, saltwater crocks, jellyfish.

[1515] They have nine of the fish can kill them.

[1516] The box jellyfish.

[1517] They kill people.

[1518] People swim in pajamas.

[1519] Jesus.

[1520] They swim in blue pajamas.

[1521] I'm not fucking around.

[1522] You swim in blue.

[1523] We went to the Great Barrier Reef.

[1524] They're like his box jellyfish season.

[1525] Get on blue pajamas.

[1526] And so we put on blue pajamas to go snorkeling.

[1527] Your whole body's covered.

[1528] You have gel on your face.

[1529] Every part of you is covered.

[1530] Oh my God, dude.

[1531] Fuck that.

[1532] And I was like, why would I snort?

[1533] Because I go up Florida.

[1534] Why would you do that?

[1535] Get the fuck out of that water.

[1536] It is the Great Barrier Reef.

[1537] The fuck out of that water.

[1538] It's pretty cool.

[1539] I'm sure it's cool, but like at what point in time do you not want to get killed by a jellyfish?

[1540] Most of the time, right?

[1541] So how do you avoid getting killed by jelly?

[1542] Don't, you can't go in the fucking jellyfish are.

[1543] They've got nine of the ten.

[1544] How many, like, how many deadly snakes does Australia have?

[1545] Because I think they got nine of the ten deadliest snakes.

[1546] We went canyoning, a canyon I think it's called, where you just, you're like repel and climb up rocks, but you're going down a canyon through waterfalls and stuff.

[1547] and the guy was like keep away like anytime you saw debris on the side keep away from it you know we got the two step spider or whatever their spiders there are fucking next level there's spiders what's it called the two steps spider I made it up I don't know what the fuck it's called that's a good day for a spider two steps because you get bit we get bit and you get two steps and then you fall oh boy that but that's that creates a person I think about Kelly Slater a lot and like because I love the podcast you do with them you talked about sharks the brain that can just shut that off did you see the bull shark attacked the kayak recently yeah Hawaii was that a bull shark yeah I thought the no I'm sorry tiger shark the bull shark the bull shark was the one that bit the tail off the other bull shark you see that one oh I didn't see that one but let's show the kayak one first the tiger shark this in Hawaii and I think that's that's a high percentage of people that get bit in Hawaii get bit by these fuckers look at that thing bro that is so wild.

[1548] Watch that again.

[1549] That is so crazy.

[1550] I mean, dude, that thing just stormed there.

[1551] Was his feet, was his feet in the water?

[1552] Almost.

[1553] His feet, no, his feet are in the water right now.

[1554] Look, watch where his left foot comes from.

[1555] Watch, his foot's behind the shark right now.

[1556] Oh, shit.

[1557] He almost got his leg bit off.

[1558] Oh, my God.

[1559] Look at this.

[1560] That's his...

[1561] Oh, my God.

[1562] Dude, that shark almost bit his femoral artery.

[1563] Look how insane that is Look at that thing Just imagine the feeling of that thing Chomping on your kayak And what if it flips it?

[1564] You could easily flip it Oh, you're fucked I mean, it's just kind of luck That it didn't flip it Look at that, that's insanity That's a fucking big tiger shark too Oh my God, that's so scary That's the guy Yeah, fuck dude That guy's got to be so happy he's alive It's got to be exhilarated I'd be like With this fucking water thing Fuck you It's weird People have changed their opinion on sharks It used to be that everybody hated sharks After jaws Be like fuck yeah Let's go shark fishing Oh you're a fucking manly shark fisherman And now it's like Leave the sharks alone Like people They need to protect sharks now But it's I understand Absolutely they're right You need to protect sharks But it's just a weird Like shift There's like a dangerous predator That eats human beings on a regular basis.

[1565] We're like, we've got to make sure there's more of those.

[1566] It's weird.

[1567] I'm not, I understand it.

[1568] I agree with it.

[1569] But I'm saying it is weird.

[1570] They're like, there was no sharks.

[1571] No people would get eaten by sharks.

[1572] It's called lakes.

[1573] Or not even lakes in Florida.

[1574] You get eaten by a gator.

[1575] Like Michigan lakes?

[1576] You ever seen people in Michigan?

[1577] They were swimming in Wisconsin.

[1578] It's got to all the, Minnesota.

[1579] Got all the fucking lakes.

[1580] Right.

[1581] And they just swimming lakes and just swim out.

[1582] Don't worry about shit.

[1583] My wife's like that.

[1584] My wife, we have in a lake house in Alabama.

[1585] And she'll swim out to the middle of the fucking lake.

[1586] You know, that's a really good benefit to really cold climates.

[1587] No reptiles.

[1588] Because when you've got an abundance of dangerous reptiles and terrain where they can hide, you've got a real problem, kids.

[1589] I think it will...

[1590] You got a real problem.

[1591] We go back to the thing.

[1592] I think it raises a different person.

[1593] Oh, for sure.

[1594] I think it creates a person who maybe anticipates the danger, anticipates the...

[1595] Like, do you ever, do you ever anticipate the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I remember you saying one time, anytime I see the guy with a tie on, I go, he doesn't even know what I could do to that tie.

[1596] I know, but, but, but the, but I always felt like if I had a tie on, someone could grab my tie and collar choke me. Yeah.

[1597] So I was like, why would you, like, give someone a handle to put it around your neck?

[1598] But I wonder if, I wonder if, I wonder if, when you grow up with these dangerous, I was a little obsessed with jujitsu back then, though.

[1599] Fucking Isla is obsessed with Jiu -Jitsu It's really fun man I wish everybody get obsessed with it Shout out to Eddie Bravo Shout out to everybody Shout out to Eddie Bravo Shout out to Jean -Jacques Machado Shout out to all the fucking people teaching that Because it's I think it's one of the most beneficial things that anyone could ever do For their health For their brain The peace of mind Learning something that's actually effective You started fighting early right Well I started martial arts when I was 15 That's when I really got into it.

[1600] I took it a little when I was 14, but it was hard to get to the place.

[1601] I started out this karate place in Newton, and then I started in Taekwendo when I was 15.

[1602] Well, you're, what was your, like, you don't have to, obviously, whatever, but you talked about.

[1603] I love you start a question with you.

[1604] You don't have to, obviously, whatever.

[1605] Well, I know, I love you.

[1606] You know, I love you.

[1607] But sometimes I don't know if you told me this in secret, and I'm just telling it.

[1608] I'm asking you a question that you told me as a secret.

[1609] Okay.

[1610] go but tell me um what was you got bullied you got that's why you got into martial arts because you got bullied right well yeah for sure i mean i was always small and uh i was always new where i moved into these places what did you weigh at like when you got into martial arts what what did you weigh well i wrestled at 134 when i was 15 or i was 14 15 that's 15 that's like two tony inchcliffs so yeah one um and i don't believe i cut weight for that um but i did cut weight for that um but i did when I started fighting when I was 16 and 17 I was cutting down to 140 and I was weighing 140 for a while but it was a real struggle and I only did the states at 140 once and that was when I was 17 so what was your like as I was bullied it was an all -boys Catholic high school but it definitely formed a little bit of me that maybe I didn't wish it did yeah it's what was your bullying like can you tell me a bullying story it wasn't horrible you know it was just a bunch of dudes being dicks and I didn't like the feeling of not being able to defend myself like was it physical oh yeah one dude was one dude grabbed me in a headlock this is why I started wrestling one dude grabbed me in a headlock just like out of nowhere we were just staring at each other we didn't even exchange words and he threw me to the ground and he raised his fist like he was gonna punch me and then he decided not to and he just let me go like it was so easy to do that to me that he didn't have to just beat me up.

[1611] Catch and release.

[1612] Catch and release.

[1613] Catch a release.

[1614] And first of all, thank that dude for doing that.

[1615] First of all, I don't know why he grabbed me. I didn't touch him.

[1616] But at least he didn't really hurt me. But it made me realize, like, oh, I don't know what to do if somebody grabs me and tries to wrestle me. So I started taking wrestling.

[1617] I joined the wrestling team.

[1618] And I started doing Taekwondo at the exact same time.

[1619] So I was doing both of them at the exact same time.

[1620] And I couldn't do two of them.

[1621] And I had to pick one of the.

[1622] other and I really enjoyed kicking people it was exciting it was there's something about that it was just so it was such a crazy and that's when you when I loved movies like Chuck Norris movies and you know Jean -Claude Van Damme movies it's like wild kicks is what you want to see people do you watch a Bruce Lee movie you want to watch what I want to be able to do that yeah and so that was what I got obsessed with that that seemed to me to be something fun to do So what do you think it says like I'm not to get back to the what makes you the man you are and what makes me the man I am where I go I want everyone to be pleased when I got bullied and my bully my bullying was pretty physical because it was all boys Catholic high school and everyone's like boys will be boys Yeah, I got beat up a couple times like just beat up My defense was I don't know if it was because maybe I was a little bit bigger and I was the size of the people You know, like I got bullied by dudes who were bigger than me, but I was also not, like I was, I was probably 180 pounds.

[1623] Right.

[1624] And so like, even still, but I was just a softer dude, you know.

[1625] And so I wonder if the, my bullying regressed my aggression, I think, and it turned me into more of a smart ass, more of a like, I'm going to, I'm going to outwit you.

[1626] I've always had, I've always had a respect.

[1627] I've always had a big respect for dudes who can fight.

[1628] and not fucking with the dudes who can fight.

[1629] Like, I, obviously I said I'd fight Israel, you know, and I said, I think, I might have said accidentally, and I'd like to apologize for this publicly.

[1630] I might have said Tom and I are going to jump Nate Diaz.

[1631] I might have said, I might have said, I didn't care if Connor McGregor slapped me. Meeting Connor, meeting Izzy, I know that, that's wild talk.

[1632] I'm a comedian.

[1633] Everyone should know I'm a comedian.

[1634] But that energy is where my sense of humor leaned.

[1635] When I got bullied I just was like I'm gonna I'm gonna challenge you I'm gonna challenge you in comedy and if you don't get it then you're the fucking idiot But if you get it Then does that make sense?

[1636] Nope okay I remember I remember I remember one time I got I got beat up Pretty good Yeah a couple times a couple times I got beat up pretty good Both were off of jokes And what's interesting about both those times Both those men and I guarantee you they're listening and they may know who they are but both those men got publicly shamed and kind of shunned by our friend groups.

[1637] They're like you don't get jokes both those guys didn't get comedy and and they lost a lot of friends and they lost a lot of like because it was like they were jokes.

[1638] But I will tell you those two men taught me a very valuable lesson.

[1639] There are men to fuck with and they're men not to fuck with.

[1640] Yeah, some dudes don't want you to play games with them.

[1641] They don't and and it's a real challenge of like you're the baddest motherfucker I know per well one of the baddest motherfuckers I know personally I could I make fun of you a lot and I've never one and I've said wild things about you I've said I called you gay on fucking Logan Paul's podcast hey I want I would love to hear more about this Jamie I got that thing is happening to the headphone again I don't hear myself anymore it it completely we're gonna pause for a second folks shout out to Sebastian he just can't save me a very sweet text sorry folks we had a technical issue with the headphone jack issue Sebastian what happened he just sent me Sebastian's got a movie also this weekend it's called my father I think it's called my father and with Robert De Niro we both have movies opening this weekend this is my thing I'll say right now just bring back comedy bring back comedy support either of our movies go out and watch comedies bring back comedies go to the fucking movie theaters go to the fucking movie theaters text your friends If you like the movie, see mine on fucking Friday, Sebastian on Saturday.

[1642] Mine on Saturday, Sebastian on Friday.

[1643] Whatever it is, support fucking comedy.

[1644] Sent me a really sweet text.

[1645] It's a weird sort of time for movies because people are like very scared to take chances like they took in these classic like Tropic Thunder.

[1646] Like you could never.

[1647] Shout out.

[1648] You could never.

[1649] It's the writer for bad astronauts.

[1650] Oh, my God.

[1651] Perfect.

[1652] Hey, if the machine does well in theaters, we get a green light on Monday, and this script is, you want to see common space, you're going to see a lot of it.

[1653] It's a bad, yeah, it's a weird time.

[1654] I told you this, I'll say it again, but like I was in Serbia before the first day of shooting.

[1655] I had some wine at dinner, and I was laying in bed and I listened to you on a podcast and you said, here's the problem with comedies.

[1656] They don't go fucking hard anymore.

[1657] And I sat up in bed and I went, my first scene isn't hard.

[1658] My first scene isn't hard.

[1659] It's soft and it's stupid.

[1660] and he's right and I fucking rewrote it I woke up my cousin I rewrote it I said what do you think you think it's better and he goes I don't know if they're gonna let you do it and I said I know but I just I'm listening to Joe and and like if you're a little bit of a lighthouse for us comics where you know you've always given me great advice and I'm hearing you say it third hand do a podcast we rewrote it I went in I gave it to Peter Tencio I said this can we shoot this also shoot this one also do the one you want for safety Peter Tencio read it and laughed to extend it to the directory, or the producer Kale, loved it.

[1661] And he was like, let's shoot this one instead.

[1662] Beautiful.

[1663] And so we fucking come out hard.

[1664] That's great.

[1665] It also sounds like a group of people get you.

[1666] Like sometimes, you know, when it guys, it's his first big movie, you know, they'll tell you what to do and give you advice that might not necessarily work with your personality.

[1667] Well, people want to be safe and they want, and they don't want to get fired, man. Everyone's got a BMW, and they got to pay the payment.

[1668] Bro, imagine being, the lady that decided to do that Bud Light campaign with Dylan Mulvaney.

[1669] Imagine.

[1670] Like, never thinking that a mistake that you make in a company could go that bad.

[1671] And so people, when they see something like that in the news, they get so fucking scared of being the person that gets involved in another thing like that for the left or for the right.

[1672] It's like, it's companies that are learning, that attaching yourself to these like sociopolitical things like yeah there's consequences people get mad oh I was really mad the day that commercial came out I'm in fucking yeah please the day that commercial comes out I mean it's I'm in some fucking arena I only say arena so that you know so that we know the conversation that you don't try out a lot of new material in arenas you know an arena's show is pretty fucking dialed in yeah pretty dialed in so I bring out a bud light I've been drinking on stage lately I bring out a bud light and this dude booze He goes, boo!

[1673] And I'm like, what?

[1674] And he's like, don't drink that shit.

[1675] That's trans shit.

[1676] And I'm like, huh?

[1677] And this woman goes, he's talking about the commercial.

[1678] I was like, wait, because I don't follow the news at all.

[1679] I go, what the fuck's going on?

[1680] Right.

[1681] And then people start talking.

[1682] They go, Bud Light did a commercial with the trans lady.

[1683] Kid Rock shut up the beer.

[1684] No one's drinking Bud Light now.

[1685] And then I said, I go, now, mind you weren't arena.

[1686] I'm rolling the dice pretty hard.

[1687] I go, I don't think they went hard enough.

[1688] I go, if I was a bud light This is a commercial I'd make Dude's on the corner of his bed He's got a bud light in his hand His chick's behind him She's like, are we going to do this or what?

[1689] He's like, no, no, no, we're doing it And he kills the bud light And then he gets in the bed And he sucks his girlfriend's cock That's the fucking trans commercial I want to see I like that Yeah That's representative All you see is his head going up and down And she's like And then her voice lowers Like yeah, play with the balls Play with the balls And then he fucking swallel It's very specific.

[1690] Follows it with another Bud Light.

[1691] Yeah, it's the chaser.

[1692] Make that, that's inclusive.

[1693] Mm, it is.

[1694] It's better.

[1695] Yeah.

[1696] Yeah, just go hard.

[1697] Just go so far the other door.

[1698] I wonder how much further, do people forgive?

[1699] Because if these people, look, the right -wingers, right -wingers generally tend to be Christian.

[1700] Do you think they forgive by light?

[1701] Is there forgiveness in that, or is there no forgiveness in a large corporation that attaches is, is it a lesson, like, for the other corporations?

[1702] If you want to attach yourself to, like, polarizing viewpoints and things that are hot -button social topics, there's consequences.

[1703] I don't know.

[1704] I hope it's not.

[1705] Like, why are corporations getting involved in social stuff anyway?

[1706] There's only one reason.

[1707] Because they think that it's going to benefit their bottom line up until now.

[1708] No, it's the same.

[1709] But now it's different.

[1710] Now, they're doing things.

[1711] They're getting involved in social issues because they think they have.

[1712] have to and they have the company has to be representative and they have to they have to go out there and get involved in these your silence is definitely that's the thing oh yeah yeah when the black squares came out do you remember the black squares force they force you into compliance and anytime someone's asking you forcing you into compliance that is not never good it's never good because they can do it with that then it keeps moving further and further down the line and then you've got some weird new quasi freedom well you know what it is Here's the slippery slope though.

[1713] So you're getting ready to do a Hollywood premiere, right?

[1714] Right.

[1715] And they're at the front, they're like, hey, do we stand with all women?

[1716] And some dude, I won't say names, but some dude who's an actor, like, part of him's like, hey man, I got dirt, so I don't want to put the thing on to look like I'm being disingenuous, but maybe I'll skate by.

[1717] Oh, do you believe you a pin?

[1718] They give you a pin.

[1719] Oh, come on, you can't force someone to wear a pin.

[1720] That's crazy.

[1721] It's how, I won't say anyone's names, I want to drag a bull stuff, but how one, a couple of things.

[1722] dudes got caught they wore a pin on the carpet and then activists like hold on you got shit in your closet get the fuck out and so a lot of people just it's like even it's for the best cause in the world if someone's getting you to join but join us join us now you're part of social structures yeah you're part of these weird things that people do when they they join groups you know it's like if you had pins on and you came with them maybe but like to try to get every do you do you agree with us about anything that's the internet that was an american flag that would freak people out want to do this for america put this on for america people start going hey are you gonna make me put something on dude the black square you're gonna hand me something the black square was that i woke up this morning i woke up that morning i think it was pandemic times right june 2020 yeah yeah pandemic times i woke up in bed and i opened it and i saw a black square and it's and i thought it was cool I thought it was cool.

[1723] I was like, that's cool, man. Yeah, stand up for Black Lives Matters and post the squares.

[1724] And that's, I was like, that's pretty cool.

[1725] And then I saw people not posting it, and, like, posting a picture of their mom or something, and everyone's, like, lighting them up.

[1726] Oh, so you hate black people?

[1727] And then I was like, oh, this looks a little toxic.

[1728] I go, you know what, I'm going to stay away from this today.

[1729] I like that it's happening.

[1730] I support that it's happening, but I may not be the right guy to post up a black square, right?

[1731] In the special that just aired, I had a joke about me and a black dude that maybe you could have been on.

[1732] the fence, right?

[1733] So I was like, I might be the, not to be the spokesman they want.

[1734] And this is back when I looked at my DMs.

[1735] And then my DMs are like, no black square.

[1736] No black square.

[1737] So this is who you are.

[1738] And I'm talking like a few.

[1739] You've made money.

[1740] You just did your last special and you made a joke about a black guy.

[1741] Stand with him.

[1742] How dare you make the money off black?

[1743] And I'm sitting there going, well, fuck, man. And I'm really assessing who I am as a person.

[1744] And I'm like, well, I do, I do, like, and then you're laying in bed.

[1745] This is all happening in bed.

[1746] You're like, I am, I do support.

[1747] My favorite, some of my favorite human beings are black.

[1748] My bus driver, who I love to death, Ron.

[1749] I was like, well, is he thinking this about me?

[1750] And then you post a black square.

[1751] And then it's the other side.

[1752] Oh, so you're one of those cuck cowards.

[1753] And then you, and then you eliminate the comments.

[1754] And God fucking damn.

[1755] And then you're like, and then you're like, I guess I'm throwing my phone into the river.

[1756] Yeah.

[1757] Man, it's a tribal thing that happens with human beings, especially with polarizing ideas.

[1758] You know, whether it's a woman's right to choose, or whether it's pro -choice, or whether it's, you know, do you support Black Lives Matter?

[1759] The real problem becomes when people enforce compliance, and they want you to comply, whether it's like they're doing it socially, whether they're threatening your livelihood.

[1760] like you can force people to think a certain way if it if their livelihood depends on it and we know that that happens man it's sketchy shit it happened um you know when when you they tried to cancel you and people started like I wasn't aware that it was going on and and I wake up my DMs are lit up how dare you not support Joe and I'm like what I don't even know what's fucking happened and then I and then you sit there for a moment you sit at your desk and you find out what's going on and you write something you go I know this is going to like I know some of these LA parents that I live friends with or some of my you know aren't going to like my stance right now but this is my friend I don't remember what I wrote I don't remember what I wrote I posted a picture of me and you I said something I'm very I'm very privileged to have Joe is my my friend I love him I stand by him whatever whatever whatever dude you know You want to fucking talk about fucking throwing a fucking...

[1761] And then I got a text from my dad.

[1762] My dad is a best...

[1763] It was a phone call.

[1764] My dad goes, buddy.

[1765] You know, I know I met Joe.

[1766] He's a sweet guy.

[1767] I don't really stand for whatever's going on with him right now, but I'm so proud to have raised a man that stands by his friends.

[1768] And you're like, oh, yeah, that's the fucking...

[1769] That's the real world.

[1770] That's the world Joey Diaz lives in.

[1771] That real interaction you have another human being where you go, I did the right thing.

[1772] I'm going to start my day.

[1773] You know, like, fuck the internet.

[1774] Fuck the comments.

[1775] I'm not going to fucking sit there in the comments and start fighting with people.

[1776] I got into fucking indigenous mascots last night randomly on a fucking someone else's the post.

[1777] And I'm reading all these comments and I'm getting worked up.

[1778] And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1779] I like the old school mascot for Florida State.

[1780] Fuck it.

[1781] I don't give a fuck.

[1782] Which thing was this the N -word video?

[1783] I could see why people would be so.

[1784] upset obviously we used to say the word in a way like if you were like using it in a sentence like talk about a richard prior routine if you're it just it didn't seem as offensive then as it does now now it seems like impossibly offensive yeah that's what's what's interesting is that there's no words that are really that way where it's positive if certain people use it and negative if other people use it.

[1785] Like, you could say it as, like, an affirmation.

[1786] You could say it as, like, a punchline sometimes.

[1787] A punchline sometimes.

[1788] So many stand -ups.

[1789] Derek Posting, shout -out to him.

[1790] I counted last night.

[1791] I think it was 25.

[1792] And he did 10 minutes.

[1793] I mean, it's a, if you're a stand -up, I mean, it is a very valuable word.

[1794] But, you know, what's crazy is I watched Derek last night.

[1795] Fucking hilarious.

[1796] And he uses the word a lot.

[1797] And I started counting a couple times.

[1798] I was like, I was like, this is because I just seen you, you know, just seeing you, and you have a, I won't, not spoiler alert, but yeah, great fucking thing.

[1799] And I watched Derek, and I kind of counted.

[1800] And I thought, what's amazing is they are not even hearing the word, really.

[1801] They're not hearing the word as if I said it, they'd hear it.

[1802] Right.

[1803] It's just skating by.

[1804] Right.

[1805] When he says it, it doesn't cause any tension.

[1806] It's amazing.

[1807] It's amazing.

[1808] But that's what's so weird about that word is that it's the only word where the amount of melan is.

[1809] in your skin predicates whether or not you could that dictates whether or not you can say it where you're from that dictates where you can say it it's like it's a word that is privileged to a certain group i mean not privilege obviously it's it's a terrible slur pointed at people yeah but when they're using it the way they want to use it whether it's in hip hop lyrics or whether it's in stand -up comedy when they're using it the way they want to use it it's a beautiful like social tool.

[1810] It's melodic.

[1811] Oh my god.

[1812] For stand -up comedy, I think it gives an extra layer of flavor.

[1813] Oh.

[1814] Like, if, like, Chappelle uses it.

[1815] Shappelle's got a joke about any, where the, I won't even fucking rough, but about him and his dude in the car, and a cop pulls up next to him, and his dude, and it's a white guy, and he's like, I think we should race him.

[1816] And Chappelle goes and he uses the word, but it's, the word is the thing, and it's gives it such a, like, where you're like, it's just sparkles.

[1817] Well, Chris Rock is one of the greatest bits ever on that word.

[1818] I mean, it's a fucking amazing bit.

[1819] It's just, it's just a very, very strange word in terms of like all the other words exist.

[1820] That's the only one.

[1821] Like, there's no positive, like, slurs against Jews.

[1822] Right?

[1823] There's no, there's no, like, there's no slurs against Jews that if someone was Jewish, they could say in a positive way.

[1824] Well, hang on.

[1825] But the flip is, Jewish people, I'm not getting comfortable.

[1826] Jewish people will mock their Judaism in front of you.

[1827] Yes.

[1828] Like, well, I can't throw a baseball.

[1829] You know, typical Jew.

[1830] Right, right, right.

[1831] But if you said it to them, they'd be like, what the fuck are you trying to say?

[1832] Right.

[1833] And you're like, and here's the thing I was trying to think of last night.

[1834] So I wanted to talk to you about that thing you're doing, because I was like, it's really brilliant.

[1835] And one of the things I was thinking is like, it's possible that we don't have, white people don't have a word that is as explosive or volatile to us that means so much.

[1836] And so like maybe we can't, we can't understand.

[1837] No way.

[1838] We can't understand.

[1839] But it's crazy just as a word, that the flip side of it is they can use it and it just sounds fine.

[1840] Yeah it doesn't offend anybody we're all just sitting there everyone's laughing it makes times better It's really it's a weird word Snoop said it to me when I walked We were at this event I'm everybody told you and I I said I want to go hang out with Snoop and Leanne's like can't you can't you hang up with Snoop I go he's my friend like if we can't hang out them we're not friends So I went over I said to the guy as I tell Tell Papa Bert's here and he was like what you know no And I was like just tell Papa Bert's here And he's like, who's Papa?

[1841] I go just yell, Papa, Bert's here.

[1842] He goes, Papa, birds here.

[1843] And he's like, yeah, dog wants to see him.

[1844] And then I just walked through.

[1845] I went back, first words out of Snoop's mouth.

[1846] My end.

[1847] And I felt so much love.

[1848] I felt so much fucking love.

[1849] Right?

[1850] I felt so much love.

[1851] Isn't that crazy?

[1852] Isn't that crazy?

[1853] That word is so, it's just as a word.

[1854] It's so fascinating.

[1855] And if I, now, the exact opposite, if I had said that to him, oh yeah it would have ruined the night oh yeah yeah and i and and and we're aware of that social interaction but at the same time there's like there is there there was this time where where people thought like i remember reading the word in high school during reading huck fin reading it aloud in huck fin reading it aloud is that still in it or did they change the words i don't know because i think I think some Let's find out what's going on with that Because I feel like I read that That there was some call to remove that word From Huckleberry Finn Yeah Yeah That's what it says Yeah it's like Well remember the Chevy Chase routine With Richard Pryor?

[1856] Fuck yeah On SNL I mean I mean, it's...

[1857] It was interesting, too, is there was a period of time where Quentin Tarantino had white people saying in his movies.

[1858] Oh, yeah.

[1859] Well, he said it a bunch of times in Pulp Fiction.

[1860] Alabama publisher says, exurgation...

[1861] Is that the right word?

[1862] Exurgation.

[1863] I've never said that before.

[1864] Hi!

[1865] I'm expurging!

[1866] Of more than 200 hurtful epithets will counter preemptive censorship that has seen Mark Twain's...

[1867] Yeah, okay, it censors the N -word.

[1868] What do they use in replace of that word?

[1869] They just call them Jim Engines You're reading the words Read all the words They say in the fact Jamie They're going to replace it with the word slave Wait what Wow In the new edition The word will be replaced In each instance by slave The word engine will also be replaced In the text I wonder what That's the interesting works I never really heard that word growing up Engine Yeah And we grew up in Florida where the Seminole Tribe was, like, really big.

[1870] Well, they were, like, the only unconquered tribe.

[1871] Seminole Tribe.

[1872] Yeah.

[1873] We did, I did the Civic Center in Tallahassee.

[1874] And right before the show, they gave me the spear.

[1875] Have I told you this story?

[1876] No. I just don't like repeating myself, and I do it a lot.

[1877] It's okay.

[1878] I forget stories.

[1879] Good.

[1880] I enjoy them in the moment, but there's too many of them.

[1881] My database is so overwhelmed.

[1882] I'm like a shitty old computer.

[1883] There's just way too many fucking movies on it growing up in Tampa had no civic pride like kids in Boston you had civic pride you wore the red socks hot we just had the bucks and they sucked right when I got went to Florida State when I started going to Florida State my dad said uh you're gonna have so much fun you're gonna really experience a community those football games I don't understand what he was saying my dad grew up in New York Yankees fan like my dad understood that and I knew I didn't have it as a kid and I went to Florida State in my first game I didn't really understand we're all wearing the same colors we're doing the the tomahawk chant and that first game chief osceola comes out on renegade and he has on the horse have you ever seen this no he has a burning spear and he comes out jimmy you got to pull it up so beautiful on bear back on a horse dude dressed native american dressed native american truck like a seminole with a burning spear and he goes out to the center of the fucking thing and he rears renegade back up on his two legs and he holds it there and the whole crowd's going and then he spikes the burning spear in the center the place explodes look at this look at this now a kid from Florida I'm seeing this this is me fucking 18 years old this is so crazy committing a hate crime what is the hand forward supposed to represent throw in the spear oh really yeah throwing the spear this is so psycho dude this is me at 18 with no idea I'm highest shit I'm drunk I don't know what's going on My dad told me to get ready for this, and I'm a part of this in the moment, right?

[1884] Dope Campbell Stadium.

[1885] One of the coolest college experiences you could ever have in a million fucking years.

[1886] Fuck the Irish.

[1887] Football.

[1888] Fuck Shane Gillis, you fat fuck.

[1889] Fuck your team.

[1890] Yeah, shut them.

[1891] Yeah, shut the fuck up and stay there.

[1892] Yeah, and then watch.

[1893] This is Florida State, baby.

[1894] Football is war with a condom on.

[1895] Did they show Chief Osceola throwing the spirit?

[1896] yet?

[1897] This is a representation of war.

[1898] Everyone's chanting and cheering for their warriors.

[1899] These warriors spill it onto the field.

[1900] Yeah.

[1901] But wait you got to see, you got to see Osceola.

[1902] Okay, but you don't realize how crazy this looks.

[1903] Look at this.

[1904] These are our sad.

[1905] Yeah, fuck yeah.

[1906] Let's get after them, boys.

[1907] Oh, you're getting territorial.

[1908] Fuck yeah.

[1909] This is me. This is my fucking...

[1910] That's not you, bird.

[1911] You live in Burbank.

[1912] Watch this.

[1913] Shut the fuck up.

[1914] This is who I was.

[1915] This is my grooming, Joe.

[1916] This is the snakes I grew up with.

[1917] These are the gators I grew up with.

[1918] Okay.

[1919] And then...

[1920] You're so excited about a team.

[1921] Dude, this is...

[1922] So with people you don't know.

[1923] But these are my colors.

[1924] Oh, I get it now.

[1925] No, no. And then you've got to see...

[1926] Go to Chief Osceola.

[1927] It's not showing it on this video.

[1928] They're not showing it.

[1929] That's one of the things that I like about combat sports.

[1930] There's done of this.

[1931] So then he throws a spear in.

[1932] The place pops.

[1933] Place pops.

[1934] 80 ,000 people pops.

[1935] I start crying.

[1936] Oh.

[1937] Like...

[1938] I'll get emotional.

[1939] Can you imagine?

[1940] I got to start crying so like I'm like I'm a part of something like something bigger than me I'm a part of the first time of my life so I come back to play the arena and uh hold on hit pause I go back to play the arena and they have everything I mean everything so it's your roles it's no they welcome back birdie boy okay like it's like it's like they have a red carpet lined up and they say to me they say and I take a walk through campus and kids are sticking their heads out the window welcome home birdie boy it's so silly that you're emotional about this and they said to me they go at the end they go um they said hey there's a present we want to give you before you go on stage i'm such a fucking idiot i thought i thought i was getting a doctorate i thought they're going to give me like the cap and gown your doctor partying or something shit yeah and they give me the spear they give me the fucking spear and they're like hey and then this is me this is one of the greatest moments of my fucking life you taking your shirt off no take a look at this tell me how fucking beautiful oh yeah i saw this i saw this on your Instagram.

[1941] This is amazing.

[1942] Look at all their two of the Tomahawk with their fucking hands.

[1943] Everyone's doing it with their phones.

[1944] This is...

[1945] Boy, it'd be so easy to start a cult there.

[1946] Fuck, yes.

[1947] Oh, yeah.

[1948] You can just...

[1949] Send me back.

[1950] You're ready.

[1951] Send me back, brother.

[1952] It is, it's...

[1953] Play that in my funeral.

[1954] Isn't that interesting how fucking territorial people are and how much they love, like, this an area that they're from?

[1955] Yeah.

[1956] It's...

[1957] But it's also like when you're talking about like survive, yeah, there it is.

[1958] You're talking about surviving alligators and living in the swamps of wild folks.

[1959] That's how we get down.

[1960] That's how you get down.

[1961] That's how you get down.

[1962] Go to fucking go to Australia and do a show and they're going showy, showy.

[1963] I got a throat infection.

[1964] From drinking out of people's shoes?

[1965] I drank out of so many shoes, Joe.

[1966] Jesus Christ.

[1967] I had to stop.

[1968] You got a throat infection?

[1969] I got a throat infection.

[1970] So even all the alcohol that we were throwing down wasn't enough to counteract the funk.

[1971] of someone's fucking dirty feet that you were sucking on it was my shoes i started buying new shoes so i could do more shoes that's so gross that's so gross your own shoe you drink in your own funk no what's what's worst your yeah your funk would be way better than so well i was buying brand new shoes just to drink out of oh christ very seldomly in america do i wake up going what shoe am i going to drink out of today and that was every fucking day in australia yeah you got to give up on that idea these people are no stop i don't want to see this if you google bert shoo you'll see them all over the place that's good for your gut biome you're so Joe Rogan yeah a wonder you are the weirdest dude I know what if that's good for your gut bio yeah I would imagine like it stresses you a little like puts like people in some countries they drink their water and they don't have a problem but if American went over there and drank their water they would get deathly sick Mexico yeah you can't brush your teeth with that shit Montezuma's revenge gives you asshole fucking jet spray it's a bad diarrhea hangover right it's real bad right we did it to the Native Americans we rolled over here and just fucking infected them mm -hmm yeah with like little small box was the smallpox yeah they killed literally killed 90 % of the population 90 % of I mean it it was a we think of the genocide as being like us killing or not us Trailer tears and shit.

[1972] My family came over here in the 20th century.

[1973] But we think of it as, yeah, massacres, but it wasn't.

[1974] It was that for sure.

[1975] There was a lot of massacres.

[1976] It's a lot of atrocities.

[1977] Yeah.

[1978] But also the majority of people were killed by diseases they had no immunity for.

[1979] And that's probably what happened with the Mayans, too.

[1980] When they think about, like, where this civilization that created these incredible structures, like, how did this happen?

[1981] And you go back to Cabezza de Vaca when there's a great book called A Land So Strange.

[1982] And it's all about these guys from Spain landing in Florida and making their way and running into the Mayans and like, what the fuck is going on down?

[1983] In Florida?

[1984] Oh, dude.

[1985] Wait, what's the name of this book?

[1986] It's called A Land So Strange.

[1987] A Land So Strange.

[1988] There's what these guys encountered when they're talking about when, when, when, Those early settlers encountered these incredible cities where people had all these gold ornaments and its incredible sophistication.

[1989] And then when people went back later, it was gone.

[1990] Everyone was dead.

[1991] Because those people that went there first and then came and told everybody about it, they killed them all.

[1992] They just breathed on them with that European funk, the stuff that they had lived with so they had immunity to it.

[1993] So when they came over here, they just killed everybody.

[1994] Everybody.

[1995] Yeah.

[1996] That's what happened to 90 % they think of the Native Americans.

[1997] And happened probably throughout the Mayans.

[1998] The Micronesia, probably when James Cook started to discover everything.

[1999] Well, that's also one of the reasons why North Sentinel Island, that island where that missionary went and got murdered by the natives, like they think that the reason why they're hostile to people is that at one point in time there was this guy who was a famous explorer slash pervert who used to travel around and take photographs of people like dressed up in Roman costumes and shit and a lot of these people like they went to a bunch of these sort of uncontacted islands and they got up they kidnapped some people and got a bunch of people sick and a few people died from whatever they got sick from and so I think they've always connected people that visit them with like sickness and death like that guy fucked it up for everybody i had that feeling towards women for a while to get the cop once and you're like i don't trust any fucking woman it's venereal diseases are pretty wild because it's like diseases are so crafty they figure out a way like how can i get in there i know i got to get on that guy's dick have you ever had have you ever had a bd i never had anything that was worth talking about on a podcast So crabs.

[2000] Nothing deadly.

[2001] Crabbs.

[2002] What's terrifying to me is that that's how people died in the 1400s.

[2003] Al Capone.

[2004] Yeah.

[2005] Al Capone had fucking syphilis.

[2006] Yeah, you watch those old photographs and video of, well, I guess not photographs, but do they have video of anybody who was syphilis?

[2007] Oh, their nose goes away.

[2008] Everything, big holes in their faces and scary shit, man. because like that that fucking tissue rotting like what does that do to your insides you've got holes in your face and holes in the top of your head and it's from sex dude i've told this a million times but you know that's where the term bigwigs comes from right oh you don't know this there was these uh french royal guys and um they had syphilis and so the hair was falling out and they they put on these wigs and uh when they were very popular, socially.

[2009] And everyone started wearing wigs.

[2010] And the more money you had, the bigger your wig was.

[2011] Really?

[2012] That's what big wig is.

[2013] It comes from syphilis.

[2014] That should be an app.

[2015] I love those.

[2016] Those kind of facts.

[2017] You know where cat in the bag came from?

[2018] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2019] There's some good ones like that.

[2020] Like long in the tooth?

[2021] Mm -hmm.

[2022] It's because you look, you hold a horse's mouth open.

[2023] Right.

[2024] You see how long the tooth was, and that's about how old they were.

[2025] And then you start looking at old people's teeth, especially their bottom teeth and they're really fucking long and you're like, oh, wow, holy shit.

[2026] Yeah.

[2027] Your gums start falling apart.

[2028] Mm -hmm.

[2029] I like that shit.

[2030] Yeah.

[2031] It's interesting, those phrases, like where they come from.

[2032] But that one's particularly weird.

[2033] I wonder if we've started any as comics because comedy's so big right now.

[2034] Mm -hmm.

[2035] Like give them the light.

[2036] Yeah, give them the light, maybe.

[2037] There's probably a few.

[2038] It's a fun time for comedy.

[2039] Dude.

[2040] It's a fun time.

[2041] Can I tell you I was thinking about this in bed today?

[2042] I was like, I wonder, like, I'll put it in U .S .C. terms.

[2043] Like, so Oleg, Taktarov.

[2044] Tartarov is in our movie.

[2045] I love that dude.

[2046] He loves you, and he is a fun fucking hang.

[2047] He's a fun dude.

[2048] Do you remember when we FaceTimed you?

[2049] Yeah.

[2050] We were watching the World Cup soccer, and I went to this hotel because the whole castes over there.

[2051] He's a big dude.

[2052] He's a big dude, and he's still strong as fucking.

[2053] He's a tight.

[2054] Like, he's a strong man. Oleg Tartarov was one of the first guys that I ever saw.

[2055] in MMA pull off leg locks against, like, really high -level competition.

[2056] And then I found out about pancreas afterwards.

[2057] I felt like, but Oleg was like one of the first guys, I think, I ever saw that pulled off leg locks.

[2058] I was like, wow.

[2059] Yeah.

[2060] He, he, he, he, so I was thinking about this.

[2061] So he's in the movie.

[2062] He's a big actor.

[2063] He's a big actor now.

[2064] But when we, I ran into him, we were both drinking beers, and I didn't realize who it was.

[2065] And he just walks up to me in that Russian accent, he's like, you know Joe.

[2066] and I was like, Rogan?

[2067] He goes, yeah, call him.

[2068] And I go, that's not how Joe works.

[2069] You don't just like FaceTime Joe.

[2070] And he goes, FaceTime Joe.

[2071] And I faceTime you when you picked up.

[2072] And he grabbed the phone and he goes, Joe.

[2073] And you're like, Oleg, holy shit, what are you doing?

[2074] He's doing a movie with him.

[2075] But, like, I think about this when I think about comedy.

[2076] So, like, you look at Oleg and the career he had, he was a fucking legend, right?

[2077] Yeah.

[2078] You look at Hoyce Gracie.

[2079] You look at Dan Shamrock, Ken Shamrock, Tito Ortiz.

[2080] All these fucking The guy with the big The fucking stronger Who used it against people Randy Cotour And the fucking Charades Yeah and then the other guy who always seemed Like he got sliced on his eye with a glove During a fight And he had to tap out because he got sliced by a glove He used to fight against Randy all the time That was Randy too buddy No no no Randy got his eye cut Oh was it Randy?

[2081] Yeah it was against Vitor Belford Chuck Chuck Chuck Liddell Oh, you know, Chuck didn't have that issue.

[2082] I thought he did.

[2083] Yeah, no, that was Randy against Vitor Belfort.

[2084] It was just a very unusual injury, and it sliced the eyelid open, and they had to stop the fight.

[2085] Like, the actual eyelid had separated.

[2086] Yeah, I remember that.

[2087] Well, I remember it kind of.

[2088] They couldn't let him fight, apparently.

[2089] You think about all those guys, right?

[2090] Those are, like, the guys that started, the guys that were the one that peaked our interest, they ran UFC.

[2091] Ran UFC.

[2092] And then you look at like Izzy and fucking Connor And you see how much money someone like Connor makes And I always wonder if those guys look at Connor And go like shit man You're welcome for the path I carved through the road Because you would have never gotten there Last time I'm hanging out with Dice Thinking Dice is the first guy that ever did stadium Like arenas For in our general I mean Steve Martin did But he was the only motherfucker that did arenas Yeah he was the first for sure The first guy to do and he did what was the number he said said some insane number do you remember the number he said he did and uh yeah it's like 700 or some shit like that oh some insane number of arenas oh I'm sorry yeah I was thinking of something else I remember I don't remember what the number was but it was like holy shit and we're talking about we're talking about carlin and and fucking all like all the legends that were in the 80s they never got to do stadiums and arenas fucking and Andrew Schultz did the fucking Houston Stadium the other day.

[2093] He did the stadium.

[2094] I mean, Tommy did two shows at the United Center.

[2095] It's a wild time for comedy.

[2096] But I wonder if those comics look at us the same way Oleg and those guys look at Connor.

[2097] Like, he's just lucky timing.

[2098] We just showed up at a time when these people laid the foundation for what could become.

[2099] Listen, you're going to waste time and energy thinking about that.

[2100] fucking who cares what they think like you look at the old like it is what it is Mike Schmidt played for the for the fucking Phillies and then you see him no negotiate a contract for $350 ,000 and then then you look at the guys negotiating for like $750 ,000 right it's just a crazy that like I was trying to like break it down to my head I see what you're saying yeah I see what you're saying but for sure like but that's going to be the case with the next generation that comes up after us they'll probably have some insane advantage as well yeah I mean, there's just social media and podcasts just changed everything.

[2101] Hold on.

[2102] You, I'm going to do two seconds, but you gave a lot to us.

[2103] You gave a lot to me. No, no, no. I meant to the community, to our community.

[2104] Yeah, because you didn't have like your three openers that you only put on.

[2105] You didn't, you weren't, it wasn't just you and your couple boys.

[2106] You opened it up to all of us.

[2107] And you were like, hey, Tom, who's your buddy, Bert?

[2108] And then he's like, oh, you should meet Bert.

[2109] I want to meet him.

[2110] And then you'd put people over, hey, Bert, who's that guy?

[2111] I'm saying this, but like, I had Tim on my podcast very early.

[2112] And then all of a sudden, like, you're like, hey, introduce me to Chris DiStefano and all these guys that are like, you never had any jealousy about you.

[2113] You always were generous with your platform and with your fans.

[2114] And maybe not enough people know that and maybe not enough people appreciate just the feeling that we as a community have for you because you gave us things.

[2115] And not money, not anything, but just opportunities.

[2116] I said this to Big Boy on a podcast the other day.

[2117] You never cared about one -upping anyone.

[2118] I do that sometimes in podcasts.

[2119] I'm going to tell the story.

[2120] I tell the story that I think is better.

[2121] I do it, I do it, I do it.

[2122] But like, you didn't.

[2123] You were like, that's a great story.

[2124] And then you go, hey, do you ever wonder how they build the pyramids?

[2125] And you just talk about, like, you just were like curious and fun.

[2126] And like, and I'm telling you, man, it.

[2127] you, I said to something the other day, you got like 10 friends who do arenas.

[2128] Pretty crazy.

[2129] That never happened.

[2130] Yeah, that's pretty wild.

[2131] You have 10 of your best friends that do arenas.

[2132] Yeah.

[2133] There's not a lot.

[2134] I don't, I don't.

[2135] I haven't put over people like that.

[2136] There's not a lot of comics out there that have done that for comedy.

[2137] And you never said like, yo, can I get a cut of that or anything?

[2138] No, listen, that's very nice for you to say.

[2139] but in my defense there's no one else had the opportunity that I had I had a very unique situation so it was for me it was like it makes sense it's mutually beneficial it's great for everybody it's great for the art form it's fun and I like when people do well I like it that's always like that's unique you know that right it shouldn't be it's a mindset I could have fallen into the same jealous mindset that most people have I'm not a special person I just figured it out early on that it's actually a weakness.

[2140] I assessed, I analyzed it like when I would feel bad about someone doing well.

[2141] I'm like, what is that about?

[2142] And I sat around and I thought about it for quite a bit.

[2143] This was when I was like 21 because I remember I had a, I had definitely had a lot of jealousy when I was fighting.

[2144] But then when I got into comedy, I sort of carried that over.

[2145] And one time I was thinking about it and it really bothered me because I'm like, that seems like that's taking up a lot of my energy that I'm jealous of someone who's doing better than me. Like, why would I do that?

[2146] Why, when I instead could have the exact same experience, but be inspired?

[2147] I'm like, it's just a mindset switch.

[2148] And it also makes it so much easier to hang out with people and talk to people and make, you have better bonds with people.

[2149] If you can just fucking enjoy watching people do well and then do, your best do your best and enjoy watching people do well and i think that doing well is contagious and i think doing well if you're around people that do well and you help them and they help you i think it's contagious and i think that shit spreads you gave us success pot you were the settler that came into a bunch of a bunch of indigenous people and gave us the sex box because there's i mean you know it's it's like well we have to take credit to the store too because it all really came to fruition at the store.

[2150] It's like the camaraderie that we all had at the store.

[2151] And that, you know, we was like the first group that actually benefited from each other rather than, you know, if you and I were both up for the same role in a sitcom, we see each, we're friends, but we see each other auditioning.

[2152] And it's like, and some guys get shitty with you.

[2153] Just try to fuck with your head.

[2154] You know, I've experienced that before in auditions.

[2155] I was like, oh, God, people will insult you just to try to fuck with your head or try to make you feel bad.

[2156] before you go into the room.

[2157] But we didn't have that because we came, we sort of like made it in a time where the internet was coming alive.

[2158] And as our careers advanced, the internet did too.

[2159] And what happened was we all became a benefit to each other instead of a liability.

[2160] Like to have really funny friends that you could do podcasts with was great.

[2161] We would do each other's shows and we would all have fun together and then we would go to the ice house and do shows there and do this and do that, everyone became a great asset instead of a liability.

[2162] Yeah.

[2163] So instead of like a competition, like, oh, he might get the part, it became, oh, and then we also realized that when you do a bunch of shows like we were doing at the Ice House with a bunch of killers, you get better.

[2164] Oh, fuck, yeah.

[2165] You get better.

[2166] You get better.

[2167] Mark Norman watched me last night.

[2168] I told a joke that I, it's not a joke, It was just something that happened me once in life.

[2169] It's a story, but it's just a weird story.

[2170] And you need guys like Atameda or Mark Norman came up to me. He goes, that's a fucking bit.

[2171] And I was like, for real?

[2172] He's like, dude, it's fucking hilarious.

[2173] Sometimes, right?

[2174] You just like, someone needs to tell you.

[2175] And then you're like, oh, I know I can say it.

[2176] I know how to.

[2177] Okay.

[2178] And then you go to work on it.

[2179] I said one of the best jokes I had on Secret Time was not, I go to film Secret Time.

[2180] and the week before I spend every night at the store and I said I want to find I want to make sure where these holes are because that's a pretty honest audience and I randomly told a story about giving my white pajamas for Christmas just in the OR when you're bombing and then you're like I got to pivot right and I'm just like this this will work this is a good story it wasn't in my hour and Adamie get pulled me aside he goes that's the best joke you have oh that's hilarious and I went for I saw a joke and he goes it better be in your secret time and I go no it's not and I moved I took it that weekend that week I worked it out at the OR put it in secret time in the first like 14 minutes where I want I work specials differently I think put in the first 14 minutes it's like the most like the biggest joke I had and I go thank God I'm around fucking smart motherfuckers yeah thank God it's it's nice to have a lot a lot of people to bounce things off of too that's been nice about being here I liked what I told Adam last night because I I work with the young lady who's fucking a gangster.

[2181] She's a gangster.

[2182] She's awesome.

[2183] And Adam said, how did you get, how did that happen?

[2184] And I go, I watched what Joe did with you.

[2185] He goes, what?

[2186] And I go, Joe wanted you.

[2187] He's like, Joe's like, I'm starting a club.

[2188] I want that guy.

[2189] And he said, I'm paraphrasing, tell me what you want.

[2190] Cool, let's do it.

[2191] I said the same thing to Victoria.

[2192] I said, tell me what you want.

[2193] Cool, let's do it.

[2194] You surround yourself by the motherfuckers, and you are golden.

[2195] And you walk in, Leanne said last night, Leanne had a beautiful experience at the comedy mothership.

[2196] She said to me this morning, I feel like Austin hasn't been, I have any of mine, because you always go there by yourself.

[2197] And it's so cool, because she goes, you know, every club I go to with you, they know who I am.

[2198] And I just didn't think anyone would know me at the comedy mothership.

[2199] And then we stayed until three in the fucking morning.

[2200] She goes, that's the coolest place.

[2201] She goes, did he hire everyone that's good?

[2202] And I went, everyone.

[2203] he got everyone and that's the fucking model fucking surround yourself by the motherfuckers yeah do it the right way too yeah if you're gonna do it and don't do it until you can do it the right way you know behind your time take chances take chances self -flash lights yeah have some fun out in this wild world burkechrecher you're probably on episode like fucking three or something like that what episode was burr crusher on Oh, it was late.

[2204] No, well, the machine story was number 95.

[2205] Wow, the machine was number 95.

[2206] Wait, what year was that?

[2207] Can you tell me?

[2208] People would say that's 2010.

[2209] The machine story.

[2210] I never would have told her on stage.

[2211] What a wild thing.

[2212] All the things that have emerged from the podcast, this has got to be the most preposterous.

[2213] Number 73 might have been your first one.

[2214] 73 is when I told the Tracy Morgan story.

[2215] That was January, 20.

[2216] Shout on to Tracy, I'm so sorry.

[2217] Hold on.

[2218] This is...

[2219] No, that's what they don't know.

[2220] Okay.

[2221] Either way, it was a long -ass time ago.

[2222] If you would have told me you telling that story on the podcast would not just become like a part of your actor you have to tell every time, would also become a fucking movie that's about to come out.

[2223] I always said, what?

[2224] Yeah, it's going to be like the number one movie in the country.

[2225] What are you talking about?

[2226] That story?

[2227] on this fucking show we did in a bedroom in my house how is this possible how is it possible that one was April 5th 2011 2011 that's when you told it April's my fucking month wow April's my fucking month what a crazy fucking story The Rolling Stone magazine came out April 1st and for someone to try to like take that story and say do you support the mafia are you a part of robbing if your friends are giving you like what is you try and play gotcha journalism How many dorks did you have to talk to when you did this media giant?

[2228] Look at young Bert.

[2229] Look at you.

[2230] Look at Joe Rogan with a beard, black beard.

[2231] Back in the day, son.

[2232] This is about the time.

[2233] Last time you were here, there's a fucking story about the Russian mob.

[2234] We tease these bitches.

[2235] These people right now on Twitter, they have been going crazy all day.

[2236] Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story, man. Tell us what the fuck happened.

[2237] Go find that online, ladies and gentlemen, because it's fucking amazing.

[2238] That story changed my life Joe That story changed my life Hey we all changed each other's lives Like legitimately We really did We got a great thing going on There's a lot of us It's a lot of fun These shows have been amazing It's such a good time Everyone's podcast is thriving It's beautiful Here's what I'll say Keep the good time rolling I'll tell you secret time More secret time If comedies do well in the theater their next summer your lineup is got Shane Gillis is in the movie theater Shane Gillis Tim Dillon your face Mark Norman fucking Tom Segura Burkrat next like support you if you go out and you spend your money to support live comedy like we know our fans do support it in the theaters get our get our backs in the theaters to prove to the studios that our sense of humor is real and it translates yeah and And if you enjoy comedies like I do, there's only one way.

[2239] Like, this is the roll of the dice.

[2240] This is it.

[2241] They're taking a chance now.

[2242] They're taking a chance.

[2243] And if this scores, then the party keeps rolling.

[2244] But you've got to go to the movie theaters, man. You've got to prove it in the movie theaters.

[2245] And I know that's a selfish ask.

[2246] Why is it more important in the movie theaters than the amount of streams?

[2247] Because the amount of buying on Apple.

[2248] So the way a deal works, once again, I know I'll get in trouble for this.

[2249] The way it works.

[2250] Well, don't say it if you're going to get in trouble.

[2251] Nope.

[2252] I don't care.

[2253] I want my movie to do well.

[2254] So the way a movie works is you get X amount of dollars, $20 million to make a movie.

[2255] I think we spent $20 million, $30 million on the machine.

[2256] Okay.

[2257] So if it goes in the movie theaters, everyone gets to recoup their money.

[2258] When you go to a streamer, they basically go, what did you pay?

[2259] Cool.

[2260] We'll break you even and we'll give it a little extra.

[2261] But you don't get the big bucks.

[2262] That's coming to us.

[2263] And so if this movie does well, everyone's got points on the back end.

[2264] So every extra dollar you make, everyone that makes it starts.

[2265] starts making money, all these people that go, you know, hey, we should put this and this and do this comedy and make it soft, they start realizing, shit, my money will make fucking murdering a dude and blood all over the place, like make fucking crazy comedies, that'll make me money.

[2266] And then they'll start leaning into it.

[2267] And then there'll be a, there's a bunch of people that will go, let's go harder.

[2268] Hey, Kurt Metzker, what's your idea?

[2269] And that's, and so, like, in the movie theaters, there's just more money to be made because it's, it's a, it's a. Like Bruce Willis, when he did six cents, he just took points.

[2270] He didn't take any money.

[2271] So he made like hundreds of millions of dollars on the books.

[2272] So when these movies, once you break your budget, once you break 30 million, all of a sudden, all that money starts flowing into the studios and the networks and the studios and the production companies.

[2273] And they're like, fuck, let's do that again.

[2274] And then we'll sell to the streamer and we'll make our money back and then we'll make and then some and we're making more money.

[2275] And the streamers are there.

[2276] I was partying with our boy the other night.

[2277] he was like it let's do great in the movie theaters then come to us and do even better because people watch it and repeat but it's got to do good in the movie theaters you got movies are dying people aren't going out to movies they're only going out for the Avengers that's it right now and so we really are a Bill Hicks joke we really are a Bill Hicks joke we really we've turned into Bill Hicks that would be it sounds like a Bill Hicks joke the only movie people go see is the Avengers it's the truth It does.

[2278] But doesn't that sound like a Hicks joke?

[2279] And these fucking movies, if they do well in the theaters, and all of a sudden these dudes who are running these studios that have the access to the big pockets that go, I'm telling you right now, the machine does well, I can guarantee you two things.

[2280] Mark my fucking words.

[2281] Machine does well.

[2282] Fat astronauts get screenlit on Monday, and Tim Dillon's project get screenlit on Tuesday.

[2283] I can promise you that.

[2284] Tim Dillon is the hottest fucking commodity in Hollywood right now.

[2285] If I started gambling on this, would this be an insider trading?

[2286] It should be.

[2287] Tim Dillon is the hottest commodity in Hollywood.

[2288] Everyone fucking loves that guy.

[2289] And they're afraid to say it out loud.

[2290] Ah, because it's problematic.

[2291] He's a right winger.

[2292] Who knows what he's going to do?

[2293] Who's not, you know?

[2294] Crazy gay right winger.

[2295] Everyone loves Tim Dillon.

[2296] Shane Gillis, I was sitting in a tent in Serbia with legendary watching fucking Gillian Keeves.

[2297] We're crying and laughing.

[2298] That's your next fucking, that's your next movie star.

[2299] Shane Gillis is the best actor out of all of us Out of all of us the best comedic actor around You don't need to put him in an action comedy You go Shane Gillis what do you want to do His movie will be the biggest summer blockbuster of the fucking year Mark my goddamn fucking words But they've got to trust that they can make their money back And it's got to be made in the theaters I really know how business talk but I hear what you're saying Yeah, yeah it's like I get their point too I do I mean, superhero movies is the easiest.

[2300] Yeah.

[2301] They always win.

[2302] I mean, when we started podcasting, we were like, yeah, keep it small.

[2303] Let's make our money back.

[2304] And then guys like you started going, I see the guys like people like Spotify, like I see the, I see the profit margin in this.

[2305] Let's roll a dice.

[2306] Now, granted, you're the same as me a little bit chancy, say some fucked up shit every now and then.

[2307] Who knows where we're going?

[2308] You get a company like Spotify or a company like Netflix who stands behind what you say.

[2309] And they go, we support free speech.

[2310] You just got to let them know that the money's coming in.

[2311] The studios haven't seen the money come in yet.

[2312] The studios need to be convinced the same way Netflix and Spotify have been convinced that free speech and comics talking wild and doing wild shit is profitable and that our fans right here will go out to the movie theaters and then all of a sudden I'm telling you it's a game changer.

[2313] I bet it can happen.

[2314] It really can.

[2315] And in that sense a lot of times if people like it but the critics hate it, If certain critics hate it, it actually is better because it makes people distrust critics even more, especially...

[2316] Oh, critics want to hate stuff.

[2317] I haven't read one thing about the machine at all.

[2318] I won't.

[2319] I mean, there's critics that love certain films, but...

[2320] They hated Ace Ventura.

[2321] They hated...

[2322] Really?

[2323] The...

[2324] I think they hated more now?

[2325] Cisco and Ebert, they didn't hate it for the right reasons.

[2326] They hated Ace Ventura.

[2327] They trashed it.

[2328] They trashed it.

[2329] Why, I mean, it wasn't the best movie in the world.

[2330] It was pretty fucking...

[2331] Watch it.

[2332] It was pretty fucking great.

[2333] It's okay.

[2334] I mean, I don't know.

[2335] It's hard watching old comedies.

[2336] Like, you try to watch Porky's.

[2337] Yeah.

[2338] That's a big old rape fest.

[2339] What the fuck?

[2340] But yeah, but then you look at Step Brothers, Step Brothers.

[2341] Is there, should I leave that in that Porky's is, well?

[2342] No, I mean, I've watched, I have a VHS tape of it airing on, like, public normal TV, like, NBC at late at night.

[2343] And they have all the bad shit, one quotes, edited out.

[2344] Oh, my God.

[2345] But it's some of it.

[2346] It's just the nudities edited out.

[2347] So the rest of it's like, holy shit Yeah, it was in the 90s, yeah, it was from the 90s It just took out all that was a crazy movie, right?

[2348] The dude put his dick in a hole Through the girl's locker room, like someone jacked me off Jesus Christ and the teacher comes and grabs it Oh my God, that's right The teacher grabs it Bro, what, why was that okay then?

[2349] Like, why were these movies okay?

[2350] I don't know But I think of how much culture Make a movie and I bet it's gonna be like that You give Henry Schultz fucking $30 million dollars, that movie's going to be fucking insane.

[2351] Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?

[2352] That's the truth, man. We proved it in podcasting.

[2353] We did.

[2354] Yeah.

[2355] We proved it on the internet.

[2356] I mean, look at how many guys, look at what, you know what Gillian Cues did offline?

[2357] Like, when he released it, when they released it to the fan base, said, hey, here, pay this.

[2358] Right.

[2359] Did fucking bananas numbers.

[2360] Bananas.

[2361] I'm sure.

[2362] People want.

[2363] Shane Gillis is a gangster.

[2364] People forget that he's a fucking businessman, too.

[2365] He is a gangster.

[2366] I will get into the weeds about this all day long privately.

[2367] Privately.

[2368] We'll talk later.

[2369] But like, they did great money and then they were like, oh, cool, we get to make a cool thing and our fans love it.

[2370] That's all people got to know in this, in Hollywood.

[2371] That's what Louis C .K .'s doing.

[2372] Perfect example.

[2373] Exactly.

[2374] Selling all of it on his website, putting all his movies there, his television show.

[2375] Bobby Kelly's special did fantastic.

[2376] Joe List's movie did fantastic.

[2377] He's putting money out.

[2378] He's Joey Louis is Sony or legendary He's just doing it all in the house And going like I know I hire all the people I got a line producer Let's just make it We'll sell a direct to consumer And it can just continue to grow There's no ceiling on the potential For more people to find out about What he's doing online Louis?

[2379] Yeah Oh he's I mean he's It's very interesting He's like you You know he's been good for comedy Yeah He's been good for comedy Because he knows he helped me a lot with the design of the place no yeah yeah yeah i took a couple pieces of advice from it's very good advice in the smaller room the stage was too large he's like why is the stage so big i'm like why is the stage so big because i think the stage should be about four feet shorter on each side and i was like i go we could do that okay yeah and he's like in the ceiling can you make it lower and i'm like yeah we can make it was already low it's a great fucking room how low is that ceiling i mean it's pretty fucking low it feels good doesn't it feel you're you like intimate it's boxed in with those folks it reminds you the old school new york days where you can put your hand on the ceiling yeah those kind of clubs so uh he had that that was his suggestion there to make the stage smaller in the little room and make the ceiling even lower so we did that and then in the next room uh the ceiling we lowered the ceiling that was his other suggestion too and then he had some good suggestions about soundproofing because i think a lot of comedians they'd like the sound of the echo because it makes loud laughs louder but it also makes it more difficult to people to understand what you're saying it's harder because it's like echoey like in the vulcan it was a little echoey it was great when you were killing right because the laughs are so loud but some parts of the room when you're like getting like sound bouncing off of a bunch of shit you won't you miss subtle things you miss certain things so he was like you know you gotta make sure that everything's like soft and the sound is like everything's soundproofed we did that when this last tour we were doing arenas and i upgraded my package to have like uh like a legit lighting package and legit sound brought in and it changed those arenas it's a game changer like this i remember saying it's the first person that did it i go you're going to fall in love with the sound of this it's not just your set up an arena and it's whatever sound they have it's it's like it's like they do this whole presentation before to dial in the exact sound points and it is it sounds like you're in a comedy club so is this worth it to you to do when because you're doing so many shows so it's easy just they come with you they travel with you yeah pay uh 1 .7 no i like this i like this i like the inside it's a baseball yeah okay pay 1 .7 for a lighting package in a team and so it's it comes with like a it's it's an all over budget and uh you bring your own stage with you i i told shana mark we did uh whatever the arena in in Tempe for the Super Bowl we did four shows.

[2380] And I said I paid extra to bring the sound package out and I wanted them to experience it.

[2381] Shane Gillis was the person I told him.

[2382] I said you're going to, because he was nervous about doing arenas because he had done arenas and they sound echoey.

[2383] I said, wait do you hear my sound package?

[2384] Wait do you see my pack?

[2385] Like my lighting package, all of it.

[2386] You're going to really love it.

[2387] Because I paid extra for it.

[2388] I want the show to feel, I want you to, if you're paying to see me an arena, I want you to know that I'm appreciative of that dollar and I'm going to put money back into the show.

[2389] I'm not going to just do some cash grab.

[2390] and uh cut to birds doing a show by candlelight Louis said that I would like to do that and so do you know dope that would be candlelight show that would be trust the audience of candles Joe I can see isn't it weird like that anybody could just buy a lighter it's kind of crazy how few fires really are people are so stupid I think about that all the time I think about that how few car accidents there are.

[2391] Like, people are so goofy.

[2392] It's kind of amazing that most days you don't see fire.

[2393] Wow, dude, that's pretty amazing.

[2394] Oh, you should see me walk out on stage, man. Look at you.

[2395] I paid extra money so that my entrance has a little bit of sparkle, a little bit of razzle -dazzle to it.

[2396] A little bit of razzle.

[2397] A little bit of razzle.

[2398] And I think it pays off.

[2399] I think as an audience member, you appreciate it.

[2400] For sure.

[2401] And I think, but you're right when the sound is so important.

[2402] Sounds everything.

[2403] So for this club, it just, like, we made sure we just, everything's died.

[2404] My only note.

[2405] Please.

[2406] If you're going to have Joey Diaz's weed around, you've got to take that clock off the little boy.

[2407] I was on stage last night.

[2408] I got high with you right before I went on stage on the late show.

[2409] I never get high before I go on stage.

[2410] I have, but I don't usually because I'm afraid of, of like.

[2411] Rightly so.

[2412] And I was riffing and thursday.

[2413] fucking rolling and I was like nice and I looked up and the clock was at four minutes and I went I've only done four minutes how long did you think you were on for?

[2414] I thought I was on for 30 minutes and I was like we need to move that clock and then I said I kept messing around and I looked and it was four minutes and 40 seconds and I was like oh god someone needs to close the clock and then next you started freaking out thinking about it because I was like because you know how sometimes you get high time goes a little slower and I was like oh my god I'm in my head and then I I just, I knew Leanne was in the room.

[2415] I knew I could, like, fuck with her if I needed to.

[2416] Like, and I could get myself out of anything.

[2417] Right.

[2418] And I was like, just enjoy this.

[2419] Enjoy this.

[2420] Let your brain think weird.

[2421] Let your brain think weird and talk weird.

[2422] And, and, and I saw the chick in the front row had a weird purse that the same person next to him had.

[2423] And I went, oh, their phones are locked up.

[2424] I can say whatever the fuck I want.

[2425] Oh, you didn't know?

[2426] I didn't know.

[2427] Oh.

[2428] And I fucking started going like, and I was, like, and I went.

[2429] And I had last night, my second show was one of the best shows I've had, well, definitely in 2023, without a doubt.

[2430] And I would argue other than when I did the other room, which was a fucking really a magic show.

[2431] That was a fucking magic show.

[2432] That might have been the best time I've ever had on stage last night.

[2433] I fixed two jokes I've always wanted to tell, always want to tell, watching the dude get struck by lightning and beating any Asian in a foot race.

[2434] I did both those jokes, and they worked.

[2435] and I walked out and I was like God damn it that room special I'm back Monday to do Tommy we're doing two bears Monday and Tuesday and I was in the shower and I was like I want to do little boy again if they're open Monday I want to do little boy that was a fun fucking room it's a fun fucking room Monday is an open mic night yeah we you know we can figure out anything but it's it's a there's a weird vibe of the place the place has a vibe because there's so many like -minded that are in there that are really just trying to get better at comedy and there's so many of them that just like the play it's like there's a vibe in the building you know and it the audience is so appreciative they're real comedy fans oh dude the guy last night it's incredible I said I'm back Monday and this dude just goes Texas loves you Bert and you're like oh man that's like what you want to hear and love why wouldn't you want to hear that why wouldn't you want to hear that Yeah.

[2436] Texas loves you, Burt.

[2437] Let's wrap this bitch up.

[2438] I love you, buddy.

[2439] I love you, too.

[2440] Congratulations.

[2441] I know it's going to be the number one movie in America, or we're all communists.

[2442] From your mouth to God's ears.

[2443] Literally.

[2444] Okay.

[2445] Anything else?

[2446] Burt, burrburt .com or is it Burtchrecher .com?

[2447] Burtrubburt .com.

[2448] Buy tickets to go see the machine this weekend.

[2449] Go by.

[2450] I love you with all my heart.

[2451] Go.

[2452] Go see it.

[2453] Bye, everybody.