Child Hits, Screams, Defiant? What’s the Root?

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[22] So you may have a child who hits, who screams all the time, who has meltdowns, who has tantrums, who lashes out at siblings, lashes out at you, who shuts down, refuses to do work, any and all of those things.

[23] And so when you email us, we always get the headline of like, I'm at my wits end, what do I do?

[24] We get a lot of them that just say, help.

[25] Some of them say, like, my child screams all the time.

[26] And so we love those, and we love that you're engaging with us because it gives us an opportunity to reach out to you and work with you personally.

[27] And so here's what I encourage you to do, though, is when you start thinking about these issues, begin to go a deeper one step further, or maybe many steps further, and think, what is the source of the frustration?

[28] What is the root of this?

[29] Because when people tell me, like, well, my child is defiant, like, okay, I get it.

[30] A hundred percent agree that the outward behavior that your child is exhibiting is defiant.

[31] But my next question is, what's going on inside that is causing that outward behavior because there's usually a root to it, right?

[32] And so I've often said that if I had to describe your kids with one word, it wouldn't be defiant, it wouldn't be disrespectful, it would be frustrated.

[33] They're really frustrated kids.

[34] Because look, when you and I as adults are frustrated, what do we do?

[35] We get short with people, right?

[36] We're not always charitable toward other people.

[37] We get in a rush.

[38] We do things.

[39] quickly we lash out.

[40] We do the same thing.

[41] When we're hungry, we're often short and become kind of jerky.

[42] When we're tired, we do that.

[43] And so let's look at that today on this episode, the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[44] So welcome.

[45] Thank you for listening.

[46] This is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[47] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[48] If you need some help, reach out to us.

[49] Email our strong -willed son, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[50] see, this is where we learned a lot of it from Casey.

[51] He struggled with all of this, and we had 1 ,500 kids come in our home who all struggled with these things.

[52] Everything that you're struggling with and what we learned very early on was if we just reacted to the outward behavior with a consequence, nothing changed.

[53] If, though, we looked a little deeper and got to the source of the frustration or the anxiety, well, then the issues changed.

[54] And so think about, let's go through a little list, right?

[55] So when I'm working either with a phone consultation or just an email from people, I start to go through a list of things.

[56] So let's start with just the most basic, which is what are the physical things going on?

[57] Is your child not sleeping well?

[58] Okay, if they're not sleeping well, let's put them in a sleeping bag.

[59] Let's put some work on the sensory issues of putting lots of things on them covers a golden retriever's great too.

[60] things to give them physical pressure while they sleep.

[61] We can work on white noise, letting them listen to music as they fall asleep, all kinds of things.

[62] Instead of rush, rush, go to bed, we can throw a blanket down on the living room floor earlier in the evening, turn down lights, slow life down, and give that child an opportunity to vent and bring up all the stuff that they were thinking about from the day earlier in the evening so you can address it rather than waiting until, bedtime right that's just one that's just a couple ideas that's something physical going on it could be something like gut issues maybe inside their gut biome there's something going on and they just kind of feel icky lots of your kids have anxiety well if they have anxiety that usually affects the stomach and so they kind of feel uneasy all the time or maybe they don't eat right they don't get enough protein maybe they eat simple carbs all the time and it's big bagels and breads and peanut butter and jelly and that mac and cheese and simple carbs that feel good on the stomach.

[63] Well, if your gut isn't feeling good, if your stomach's not feeling well, then you don't feel well.

[64] And you're a little bit on edge.

[65] And so when your brother's making a little noise that you don't like, instead of saying, hey, could you stop?

[66] Because I don't feel well, a little kid, or a big kid, it's going to lash out and hit him or yell at him.

[67] Right?

[68] And so we're like, well, he's not being kind to his brother.

[69] Well, sure, he's not being kind to his brother, but just lecturing about being nice doesn't work if you don't get to the root of it.

[70] By the way, anxiety is a big one for your kids.

[71] I guarantee many of your kids who shut down, who are defiant, who refuse to do things.

[72] Right.

[73] It's an old Taekwondo example of like, hey, you want to go to type one dough and and they're like no my stomach's kind of upset and we're like no we're going to go we're going to go and then like i hate you you're stupid you can't make me that's not a defiance issue that's a pure anxiety issue and if you address the underlying anxiety because anxiety is caused by unknowns things you can't control you solve the anxiety all the other stuff goes away i'm going to throw this one out there because i don't know if i've ever mentioned on a podcast but pandas it's an autoimmune condition P -A -N -D -A -S sometimes when I hear things when I'm on a phone consultation like hey did your child struggle a lot of like ear infections and throat infections when they were little because sometimes it can cause a condition and you'll just have to look this up pandas and it will look like OCD issues well if you're struggling with that you're going to feel a little bit off right sensory needs this is a big one whenever I hear oh my child's biting They're getting physical.

[74] They lash out.

[75] They hit.

[76] I go to, okay, what are the sensory needs?

[77] Is this a child who seeks physical pressure all the time?

[78] And invariably what you hear is, oh yeah, now that I think about it, my child has always loved trampolines and has always loved climbing under things and climbs trees.

[79] And my child does, you know, he choose on things all the time.

[80] I'm like, okay.

[81] So there's, his body is screaming out for.

[82] physical pressure and he's going to get that pressure one way or another human nature says when we want something done we tend to do the simplest thing possible and usually that's negative so that's my example of the classroom is you get a little kid or an older kid who didn't get enough sensory pressure some sensory exercise in the morning by the way that's why I love obstacle courses in the backyard or in the basement and you wake your child up and say hey guess where I hid your breakfast I bet you can't find it, hit it out in the obstacle course, and your child has to go crawl under things and climb things and push against things outside because kids love, look, I don't want to be around people in the morning.

[83] Do you?

[84] So giving a child a challenge to find something outside in the obstacle course, which they naturally love and their body loves, that's a great way to start the morning.

[85] But that child who doesn't get any physical pressure in the morning shows up in the classroom and there are three or four other boys in the back of the classroom, well, guess what's happening?

[86] They're going to roughhouse because his body is craving that physical pressure.

[87] And so a teacher will look at that and say, well, your child is being aggressive.

[88] Sure, that outward behavior is aggressive, but what do we see underneath?

[89] He's trying to meet some sensory needs.

[90] He's just doing it in an unhealthy way.

[91] So my job as a parent is to be a detective and say, oh, think about this.

[92] If I proactively meet those needs, those internal needs, by the way, I'm making note on this, because I'm going to put this in our newsletter because this is a really key point.

[93] Proactively meet internal needs, it will change the outward behavior.

[94] And that's what we're looking for, right?

[95] Now, sometimes kids act out because they're being manipulative, and they're manipulating you, or they get full of themselves.

[96] And so, that requires a different response.

[97] not like, you know, you're full of yourself.

[98] It's just like, hey, I know what you're doing right now.

[99] It's not going to work in my house.

[100] It's just not going to work.

[101] I know what you're up to.

[102] What I think you really want is some intensity.

[103] So I'll give you some positive intensity, right?

[104] It could be that maybe you're a pushover and you're too gentle and too soft and too like that.

[105] And so your kids are, well, see, that requires a different response and for you to learn how to be confident, calm, even, matter of fact, and be leader in a home.

[106] Or maybe they're doing a things because they're getting back at that harsh parent that they have.

[107] Maybe the dad is kind of harsh and unforgiving my way or the highway.

[108] So your child's acting up to get back at that parent.

[109] Okay, now that's a different route.

[110] And so now we can work on what's our, how are we parenting?

[111] How are we leading?

[112] Right.

[113] And see what I mean.

[114] Now, it could be that your child acts out in certain ways because they need intense engagement.

[115] so often reply back to parents and say think intensity your child isn't looking for your attention they need intensity but positive intensity not negative you know if you keep that up you're going to that's negative intensity positive intensity is oh man i love the way your brain works and here's what you're looking for right now let's go do x and i lead the child into an activity that meets those internal needs and really engages that child with some intensity, right?

[116] That will solve underlying problems.

[117] Bortem, I've talked about before.

[118] Many issues you just come from, your child is bored, whether in class or at home.

[119] And so what's going to happen?

[120] It's going to get up in class, walk around, talk to other people, get in trouble, or he's going to take it out on siblings to get a reaction.

[121] Well, there the solution is purposeful missions.

[122] But here are some big ones I want you to think about.

[123] Sometimes your kids act out, whatever you want to call it, misbehave because they feel different than or less than their siblings.

[124] Sometimes, right, if I don't feel, if I don't feel good about myself, I'm going to lash out at my sibling.

[125] That makes sense to me. Sometimes they feel frustrated at school.

[126] They feel stupid.

[127] Think about this, because many of your kids feel like an adult trapped in a child's world, right?

[128] Because they're better as adults.

[129] Imagine working a job that you're not really good at and getting negative feedback literally every day from your boss.

[130] And then when you share your frustration at night with your spouse, your spouse also gives you negative feedback.

[131] Well, honey, you know, if you would just apply yourself, you'd be angry, you'd be frustrated and you would not like life and you would make things very unpleasant in your home especially if your spouse had a great job and kept getting promoted so imagine your child is working a job which they are at school that they're not always really good at even though they're very intelligent and bright they're not always academically motivated and they get negative feedback literally every day from, you get it from a boss, they get it from a teacher.

[132] And then when they come home and share that frustration, then you give them negative feet.

[133] Well, you know, if you would just apply yourself, see, that's why they're angry and frustrated at times.

[134] And so let's focus on this this week.

[135] When your kids are struggling with something, begin going through a checklist, right?

[136] Is it something physical?

[137] Is it sleep?

[138] Is it gut issues?

[139] It's something going on inside of them.

[140] are they just not feeling well, right?

[141] Are they feeling off inside?

[142] Is it a sensory issue?

[143] Is it that you talk too much and you lecture too much and it's just irritating?

[144] Or is it that you're too permissive?

[145] Or maybe one of you is too harsh?

[146] Maybe it is that they're just manipulative.

[147] They don't want to do when they're full of themselves.

[148] And you have to deal with that in a calm, even manner, but a very confident manner to let them know, I know what's going on.

[149] Maybe they need positive intensity and they haven't gotten that because the only time they get intensity is when they do something wrong.

[150] Maybe they're bored or maybe they just don't feel that great about themselves and we have to build their confidence.

[151] Go through that checklist this week and begin to think through those things and I promise you if you do those things, you can get to the root of the issue and change this because think about it.

[152] And remember the anxiety part.

[153] If you give your child tools to succeed to deal with their frustration, to deal with their anxiety, they will then become more confident knowing they have tools to handle life.

[154] If you build their confidence by using their gifts, talents, and passions, doing positive things, then they will feel good about themselves.

[155] A lot of these things will change.

[156] So we can help you.

[157] That's why we want to listen to the programs.

[158] Go through the Calm Parenting Package or to Get Everything Package.

[159] Listen because we get to the root of all of these issues like that anxiety issue of not wanting to go to Taekwondo and they're lashing out, you're stupid, I hate you.

[160] The solution isn't, you know what, you better get your butt in the car, you're going to lose all your video games.

[161] The solution is understanding that the root of that is anxiety, which is caused by unknowns.

[162] So if I were to take my child three days ahead of time to the Taekwondo place and say, hey, Mr. Taekwondo, listen, my son's going to be in her class, loves helping other people.

[163] Could you give my child a job to do?

[164] And that Taekwondo guy says, oh man i can so use your help listen i want you here every week five minutes early when you get here you're going to help me rearrange the mat set up for class you up for that most of your kids are like oh yes sir i'll do that so next week or three days later when i come home and say hey we've got taekwondo what triggers in your child's brain isn't all the scary unknowns of we go into a new place what if it's loud what if the other kids pick on me because i don't get along with kids my own age all those things that's not what they're thinking about what triggers in the brain is that guy said he needed my help and I'm good at helping other people and he's going to say he wanted me to be there five minutes early so we have to leave like 15 like three hours early right and so we just solved that issue and so wherever you go ask other adults teachers uh system principal someone at church wherever you go ask other adults to give your child a specific job to do because that makes them feel successful that's what we're about hey love you all talk to you soon bye bye Thank you.