Deep Dive with Dana Carvey 3

[0] Hello, this is Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, Deep Dive with Dana Carvey.

[1] Hey, Dana.

[2] Glad to be here, Conan.

[3] It's a six -part mini -series where I, Conan O 'Brien, along with occasional help from my assistant Sonam of Sessian.

[4] Hi.

[5] And my producer, Matt Gourley.

[6] Hi.

[7] Go deep into the weeds with one of my favorite comedians and friends, Dana Carvey.

[8] Enjoy.

[9] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes.

[10] I'm walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[11] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[12] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[13] I'm sitting here with Dana Carvey.

[14] Thank you, Conan.

[15] Is anyone else doing this right now on the planet?

[16] I don't think there are any other podcasts.

[17] I'm fascinated.

[18] This is the only one.

[19] Hi, listeners.

[20] You're probably at Gelson's right now.

[21] Remember to get the yogurt.

[22] plain vanilla for the wife with walnuts and sliced oranges I've gone too personal You know you nailed it You nailed our Because that's our demo Is the Gelson's yogurt shopper Well I love the idea That people are listening These things while they're doing other things Right There are like applying ointments right now Very intimate things are happening While people listen to this stuff Oh yes With machines that they can hold What?

[23] What do you time?

[24] It's whatever you think that is I have no idea I'm just trying to produce verbiage.

[25] That's this job requires...

[26] I'm an empath.

[27] I want everyone in her to be happy.

[28] Oh, that's very nice.

[29] Dana wants everyone to be happy at all times, but also...

[30] You also want certain people to be unhappy at times.

[31] I know that about you.

[32] You're a devilish inn.

[33] I have a, yeah, I have a bit of a competitive streak in me. Do you really?

[34] If someone...

[35] If someone challenges me in a certain way and their face conflates with my father's face, then I, you know...

[36] But I'm never violent.

[37] I just have to...

[38] I always had to go with...

[39] words.

[40] I couldn't fight anybody.

[41] Look at me. I'm a miniature person.

[42] No, but you...

[43] I'm not really a full man. You destroy them with your comedy beam that you shoot out of your forehead.

[44] Well, yes.

[45] I remember when I did meet Seinfeld at the comedian's car's first thing he said was, look at you.

[46] You're a toy person.

[47] Oh, my God.

[48] Oh, my God.

[49] And it's not like he's a giant either.

[50] No, I just...

[51] Jerry, I thought that was funny.

[52] He goes, the comedians are the most secure people in the world.

[53] Because we've had so much feedback in life that anyone can say anything about me. I mean, look at me. I don't have a chin.

[54] I don't even have a face.

[55] Why do you think I wear these?

[56] I don't really need them.

[57] This is infrastructure.

[58] I'm losing volume in my face.

[59] The scruff and this is just a great.

[60] Otherwise, I'm the invisible man. My eyebrows are going.

[61] I mean, you know, and I do a few little things.

[62] I'm not going to have a white goatee when Ringo's encased in a chocolate head of beautiful brown beard and hair.

[63] All my heroes are dipping and foiling.

[64] and they are definitely...

[65] You're not going to go that way?

[66] It would be really funny if you have...

[67] The listener can't see this right now, but you have a gray with...

[68] Little specks.

[69] You do just a little bit.

[70] You have a gray goatee, and it would be really funny if you went jet black on the goatee but kept your hair, that sort of sandy blonde that is.

[71] Yeah, well, I, you know, I reside inside, you know, so I didn't ask for these little hands in this little chinless face.

[72] I'm just a member of the human race.

[73] You know, don't compare, don't despair.

[74] You reside inside.

[75] We all do.

[76] What is this?

[77] I can't hide.

[78] What is this song?

[79] I don't know.

[80] It's a beat poet thing.

[81] Oh, my God, that's incredible.

[82] It's a song my brother wrote.

[83] Oh.

[84] Yeah.

[85] I reside inside.

[86] Look at these feet.

[87] He's filling in a little feet.

[88] I didn't ask for these feet.

[89] I was given these feet because I reside inside.

[90] Your brother wrote that?

[91] Oh, yeah.

[92] He wrote 200 songs.

[93] Scott.

[94] Scott Carvey.

[95] Mm -hmm.

[96] Was I a little too close?

[97] Now Conan is.

[98] looking at my hair, eyebrows, my glasses.

[99] The reason that you and I are doing these mini podcasts is because I had the time of my life talking to you on the podcast the last time.

[100] And one of the things he did, everything you said made me laugh so hard, I cried.

[101] One of the things you started talking about was you started doing an impression of Johnny Carson getting pulled over after going to have a drink in the 1970s.

[102] And, you know, Johnny liked his, his, his, his, He drank occasionally, his cocktails.

[103] And he occasionally got pulled over, and it was a different time.

[104] But you did an impression of him getting pulled over and talking to the officer about where he had been and what he had been drinking.

[105] And it made me cry, and I wanted more.

[106] And that is the brain candy of where he was and what he had.

[107] Let's see.

[108] I think here we go.

[109] You're going to pick one?

[110] No, no, you go.

[111] You go.

[112] Okay.

[113] Oh, sorry, officer.

[114] I had a strawberry boom boom at the winking.

[115] wreck.

[116] A strawberry boom boom at the winking rat?

[117] That was the first time that's ever been said out loud.

[118] Yeah.

[119] Can I have some more, please?

[120] I had a feisty feather at slippery tim.

[121] Again, it makes no sense to humanity.

[122] But these were, no wait, but it's perfect.

[123] This is the kind of drinks and the kind of restaurants that they had.

[124] To me, it's always, if I can get to five questions and I like the bit.

[125] Right.

[126] I need five questions.

[127] Why is Johnny going in those places?

[128] Why do they call the drinks that?

[129] Why when he gets pulled over does he have to say what he drank and where he drank?

[130] And what does the cop think about when he hears that?

[131] Right.

[132] So it almost gets to that.

[133] I had a lucky leopard at Mr. Duckies.

[134] You know, it's just I had a I had a couple of foaming swans at Mr. Frost's I mean.

[135] It's always too.

[136] It's always two.

[137] No, it's always two.

[138] I had a banana daquery up with ice at the Bahama Mama.

[139] It's just rhythms.

[140] You guys are too good in audience.

[141] Good night, everybody.

[142] I want to thank Conan and Earwolf and Stitcher.

[143] I want to thank you all.

[144] This has been tremendous.

[145] Thank you and good night.

[146] I really love that.

[147] I really love that.

[148] I just wrote those for this.

[149] So I'm going to write a few more.

[150] And what was the one?

[151] There was one from last time that also killed me. I can't remember what it was.

[152] Well, the very first one was showing off.

[153] sure.

[154] I didn't know I was swerving.

[155] I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and crook.

[156] And that has a great rhythm, right?

[157] Slippery monkeys at the hook and crook.

[158] I had two frozen pillows at the windy summit.

[159] And that's another question.

[160] Why is Johnny cruising around Malibu drinking these giant exotic, sugary drinks?

[161] That's what gets him off, like the cops like, oh, okay, that makes sense.

[162] But it's also great that he, in that condition, would be able to remember this elaborate drink and this elaborate name of the place he's been.

[163] Because it doesn't sound nefarious.

[164] Like if he ever went to AA, I had too many foaming swans at Mr. Duckies.

[165] It'd be like, I don't know if you belong here.

[166] No, I had ten of them.

[167] It doesn't matter.

[168] It doesn't seem like alcohol.

[169] I can't seem to stop.

[170] A strawberry boom boom at the winking rat.

[171] The winking rat.

[172] Were you even drinking?

[173] Okay, so, Dana, here's something you do that I love and I think you're one of the best at it in history which is you you take two people that don't belong together and you mash them together and I think that's obviously a lot of comedy without getting over analytical because I hate that.

[174] It's taking things that don't belong and putting them together.

[175] Okay, we know that, but you have this way of taking people who don't belong in the same space and jamming them together and suddenly they have to interact with each other.

[176] Well, I can't.

[177] I mean, that one, the two operatic performances in movies that really, really last, and they last with young people, too, are Robert Shaw in Jaws.

[178] Robert Shaw, Jaws Classic, yep.

[179] And Al Pacino's Tony Montana.

[180] So I connect those only in the operatic rhythms that will never leave your, you know, like, you know, that guy.

[181] Yeah.

[182] I mean, that is so brilliant.

[183] So I was using him kind of discussing the Mueller report.

[184] So who is this?

[185] This is Robert Shaw from Jaws.

[186] Robert Shaw from Jaws is doing the Mueller report.

[187] Discussing, the report.

[188] $25 million was spent two years.

[189] 4 ,900 interviews.

[190] One million documents, Chiefie.

[191] No collusion was...

[192] And the whole time he's eating a little biscuit, right?

[193] Well, it's from the one where he's on the ship.

[194] You know, 24 go in the water.

[195] 32 and that shard come around William Bar got kind of like a doll of his eyes, old black and blackness.

[196] So it's basically taking things from history and putting them in mind.

[197] I love that.

[198] But you've heard my Al Pacino at Thanksgiving dinner.

[199] Yeah, I want to hear it.

[200] I want to hear it.

[201] I always did this bit and I still come back to it.

[202] And it has a lot of the nonsensical, musical nonsense that I like.

[203] It's Al Pacino.

[204] It's Tony Montana at Thanksgiving dinner.

[205] So it's just that rhythm of Passed sweet potatoes That's sweet potatoes Should I look around the room Man I don't see no sweet potatoes On the table I told you I told you I want a KEM I want a KAM Or a sweet potato Why what You don't put a sweet potato On a table I don't know why you fuck with me, ma 'am Why are you gonna do that Why are you got to do that Huh I know put you up to this It's that fat bitch grandma Look at you mom look at you, I see you all the time, man, you like to eat, you like to eat, I look at you all the time, man, you know.

[206] You look at, you got a box of chocolates, you take the chocolate out, you stick your thumb on the back, you don't get the caramel out, you put it right back in the cocktail box.

[207] Because you don't check it a guy.

[208] On a women sampler, there's a guy.

[209] On the lid, a guy.

[210] It corresponds with a chocolate that says coconut.

[211] You know it's a coconut, but you don't check it again.

[212] You'll never check it a guy.

[213] You're going to check it a guy.

[214] So that is something I love to do.

[215] It could go on.

[216] Yes.

[217] But you don't check it again.

[218] And sometimes that will be a 10 minute bit.

[219] I just love when grandma, picturing everyone else at the table belongs at a Thanksgiving table, except.

[220] I love that.

[221] Every part of him, we got a bowl of kane corn and a kakak.

[222] So I love that what the, when Pacino is doing the Cuban accent, what certain words would sort of do to his mouth.

[223] and how we would say them.

[224] Like, you get a cake and a cat a car.

[225] It's like, well, you know, that's just like, it's my head.

[226] I got a cake and a can of corn.

[227] You don't do what I like with a bad a guy.

[228] So, anyway, fuck me. What do I got?

[229] What do you do?

[230] Are you ever alone doing this stuff and no one's there?

[231] Yes.

[232] You'll be alone completely like, I'm just saying you're in your bathroom.

[233] You've just brushed your teeth, but you're looking in the mirror.

[234] and you start to do this.

[235] Yes, sometimes I will.

[236] Does your wife walk in and is it, does it upsetting to her?

[237] Well, it's embarrassing if she does.

[238] But I'll do it on hikes too.

[239] But if I want to extend either of those bits, I'll just practice them myself.

[240] You do it on hikes?

[241] So a fellow hiker could be in the woods and then they could hear Tony Montana at Thanksgiving dinner.

[242] Why are you going to do, ma 'am?

[243] Why are you going to go?

[244] I don't got a cat a y 'am.

[245] I got to stoff her stuffing.

[246] I got, why do I do with that?

[247] And then I'm coming around and I'll see someone hiking and then I have to pretend that I want to singing or talking or whatever.

[248] I mean, I just, I have to say them out loud to learn them.

[249] I'm trying to learn Avere Bardeen.

[250] You know, I want to learn him.

[251] You want to learn Javier Bardem?

[252] Him too.

[253] So I think maybe the first thing you did with.

[254] I went to state school.

[255] Harvard.

[256] Oh, yeah.

[257] Yeah, that's what they do when you go to Harvard is they teach you.

[258] what an actor's name is.

[259] Just Javier Bardem.

[260] That's not a, oh, look at Egghead over here.

[261] Well, it's kind of, it's very, because I saw him at the Oscars.

[262] I went to the Oscars, which was a fluke, you know, because Mike Myers was in Bohemian Rhapsody.

[263] I'd not been to the Oscars in 27 years.

[264] Suddenly I'm in the third row center.

[265] I mean, I have the best seat, my wife and I, and I looked over and I saw Yaviar.

[266] Javier.

[267] Javier Bar -Dem.

[268] You get the gutter old thing.

[269] Why are you doing the ha thing?

[270] Because he's a really good friend of mine.

[271] His name is Javier.

[272] You could just say Javier -Bard -Den.

[273] No, no. Javier Bardem.

[274] I don't call you Sana MabSassian.

[275] I call you Sonam Obsessian.

[276] Okay.

[277] No, you could just say Javier.

[278] Javier.

[279] And so I saw him and I'd never seen him being that exotic looking.

[280] Like the back of his skull was like and then the - He's very noble looking.

[281] His mask, the face and then, you know, and then I saw him back.

[282] backstage and he says, why are you presenting?

[283] I'm from Wayne's World.

[284] That's no reason for you to present.

[285] Okay.

[286] But I did...

[287] Did you do that scene in No Country for a man?

[288] Oh, I love it.

[289] I know, but you playing with that scene about that quarter.

[290] You would have a lot of fun with that.

[291] Well, I don't want to call it.

[292] I've got to know what I'm betting on.

[293] Everything.

[294] It's a very quiet.

[295] It's very quiet, but I also like that he's eating nuts.

[296] Javier Bardem is eating nuts, and he's talking to, in no country for old men, and he's at the counter with the guy in the gas station.

[297] And he's, but it does feel to me like you could do a million comedy things with him.

[298] Why are you presenting at the Oscars, you know?

[299] Right, yeah, just right up in my face.

[300] Yeah, it's basically that kind of intimidation.

[301] But yeah, he's so brilliant.

[302] And then he says, don't just put that quarter back in your pocket.

[303] Don't put your caught because it mixes with the other quarters.

[304] Yeah.

[305] And that's not a magic quarter, is it?

[306] Well, I don't.

[307] It's funny about that accent, how we just accept that it's stereotypically.

[308] They're not too bright.

[309] People from the South, I can't figure anything out.

[310] You go on and get a brain surgeon, we're going to pop off top of your skull.

[311] It's going to be real scary.

[312] We're going to dig on down deep in there, sir.

[313] I actually had a neighbor who talked like that, Mississippi Joe.

[314] Was his name Mississippi Joe?

[315] No, it was Joe, and I named a Mississippi Joe.

[316] And he talked like that.

[317] He talked like that.

[318] Good gosh.

[319] And the bit that I based kind of around Mississippi Joe was the only thing.

[320] that Netflix asked me to drop from my special.

[321] Why is that?

[322] Well, it just, I don't know why.

[323] Basically, it was just a story of driving in the south.

[324] We were doing stand -up, looking for a place to eat.

[325] We met this southern guy.

[326] Super nice.

[327] You know, you fellas looking for something to eat.

[328] Well, we got Joe's Donner down.

[329] Go down, take a right at the wheel of tree.

[330] You see it right on the left.

[331] They're nice old food in there.

[332] But if you're hungry, I got some peach cobbler on.

[333] You can come all up in my house.

[334] And I looked at him and said, we're not going up into your house.

[335] You sick.

[336] Fuck.

[337] and they didn't like that it was too much well I don't know I have a weird brand I'm kind of like the nice guy that's why I've had confusing things happen to me throughout my life people is he edgy is he not is he dark is he light is he what you know oh I mean people that think it's just going to be friendly family friendly comedy from nice Dana Carvey and then you go super dark or they just don't know when I did the show on ABC they just thought the church lady was a prime time character but it was very subversive in actuality.

[338] You're not able to us.

[339] And we don't like Jesus and Satan.

[340] You know, I mean, it was not ready for 9 .30 at night.

[341] But they thought it was.

[342] Right.

[343] only two people down below.

[344] So a private space auditsy.

[345] You watched it three, three times when they reissued it?

[346] I watch it twice a year.

[347] It's like a meditation to me. I think it's absolute genius, don't you?

[348] 2001?

[349] You know what?

[350] My son hasn't seen it yet, and I want to show it to him.

[351] He started that.

[352] When they're outside the spaceship.

[353] Why are you, why are you presenting it the Oscars?

[354] I'll tell you something interesting about the Oscars.

[355] Not a joke.

[356] So I was right, I saw Bradley Cooper come out, very nervous, give him a lot of credit.

[357] Gaga's there.

[358] So we're right on top of him.

[359] He's like, how you doing, girl?

[360] And it was slightly wobbly, and then he got right into it.

[361] It was hitting it.

[362] And then toward the end, he goes on the piano.

[363] Now, where I'm seated, exactly in the third row, I could see right past Mike's head and Rameh Melleke.

[364] Rami Malik.

[365] Sorry.

[366] You just don't care about anyone's name.

[367] I think you're trying to put too much of a spin on.

[368] Why, Kenan?

[369] I'm here with Kenan O 'Ryan.

[370] But they're singing, and she can play with one hand.

[371] And they're like, in the shallows, la, la, la, la. In the shadow, la. So she had one hand on the piano, and another hand someplace else.

[372] I'm not going to say, but I think I'm the only person who saw what was going on that night.

[373] In the shallows, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[374] In the shallows, yeah, yeah.

[375] Look, you know from the angle, she played with one hand.

[376] There was another hand free.

[377] Yeah, what did you see?

[378] I just saw, in the shallows, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[379] In the shallows, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[380] I don't know what I saw, and I don't want to say, but they were brilliant, and I love everybody.

[381] Brad Cooper.

[382] You're a big, what's up by Norm MacDonald?

[383] You're a Norm MacDonald fan?

[384] Yes, he's kind of like, I don't know, he's like Mark Twain or something in a way.

[385] In his own twisted, brilliant way.

[386] He is, I'll be been one of my favorites.

[387] I mean, one of my favorite interviews because I never know where he's going to go.

[388] I never know what's going to happen.

[389] I don't think he knows what's going to happen.

[390] I love when he takes figures of speech, I guess, would be the word, and he just twists them, you know?

[391] Like they say, you know, and they say like, Red Sky at Night is a Sailor's Delight, right?

[392] Red Sky at Night is Sailor's Delight.

[393] You think Sailor's Delight would be like some rum in a whore, you know?

[394] I mean, he takes it, you know what I mean?

[395] They say a penny saved is a penny earned.

[396] That's a 100 % return.

[397] More like 100th of a penny earned.

[398] Norm McDonald.

[399] You know what I used to love that he would do on my show, and I'm sure he's done it on other shows too, but I've never seen anyone do this before.

[400] He would come on with, you know, everyone has to tell stories when they come on a talk show.

[401] Norm would come on and he'd start talking and it would become clear immediately that he's just telling an old joke from like the 1920s.

[402] Right, as if it's his experience.

[403] But he would say like, Hey, Conan, you know, I'm doing a good way.

[404] But hey, Conan, it's good to say.

[405] And I'd be like, well, yeah, hey, Norm, what you up to today?

[406] Well, I, uh, I bought a farm.

[407] I bought a, bought a, bought myself a, oh, you bought a farm, Norm?

[408] Yeah, I bought myself a farm.

[409] And, uh, I just the other day, a salesman comes along.

[410] And I'm thinking, what?

[411] And it's, you know, it's like, 2015.

[412] And he's like, yeah, yeah, comes to me. He says, I got three daughters.

[413] And I'm like, what do you?

[414] And then he tells a joke from 19, But it's hilarious, and he just says, like, yeah, this happened to me. Fuck you, I'm not going to tell a story about going to Walmart.

[415] I'm going to tell you about the farmer's daughter.

[416] He deconstructs everything.

[417] I mean, that was his autobiography, right?

[418] It was sort of made up stories.

[419] Give me, what's a figure of speech?

[420] I'll normalize it.

[421] Like a penny saved.

[422] Well, we already just did that one.

[423] Kill two birds with one stone.

[424] How about this?

[425] How about this one?

[426] How about this one?

[427] I don't know anything.

[428] How about this one?

[429] Early to bed.

[430] No, the early bird gets the worm.

[431] Yeah, you know, they say that the early bird gets a worm, right?

[432] You know what I mean?

[433] But, you know, worms are kind of, you know, they're there pretty much all day, you know.

[434] So the early bird's not the only one that gets the worms, you know.

[435] Why doesn't even want a worm, you know?

[436] I don't always like to be normal.

[437] Funny little really conning.

[438] So you're doing the podcast, a special thing with that Dan Agarno, right?

[439] No one ever got my name right during my life.

[440] Dana, it's a girl's name.

[441] Conan, that's weird.

[442] What are you in a gladiator movie?

[443] That's what happened when I was a kid.

[444] People used to say like, you're really?

[445] I'm sorry, I saw a single tear.

[446] No, no, no. It would be like, hey, where's your sword?

[447] This was in Boston.

[448] Where's your sword?

[449] Where's your sword?

[450] That almost sounds like, you know, Mike Tyson's new podcast, he ever hit.

[451] It's really fun.

[452] No, I haven't heard it.

[453] It's called Hot Boxing.

[454] Uh -huh.

[455] And he's like, he tells stories, you know, like when I was in prison, they said, you know, you can, I had a ball in prison, you know, I had stakes every day and everything.

[456] And then he said, you can buy animals, you know, and I said, okay, I like a tiger, you know, I like a tiger, you know, I like a tiger, you know, it's like a tiger, you know, it's a very cool voice.

[457] And he's mesmer.

[458] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[459] Did you like prison, Mike?

[460] Did you enjoy it?

[461] Oh, I had a wall in prison.

[462] You know, they bring me menus and stuff, you know.

[463] Wait, you got menus?

[464] Oh, yeah, I had all wired in prison, you know.

[465] I had a good time in prison.

[466] You know, I never ate good food like that.

[467] It was the best food I've had my life in prison.

[468] Best food you've had in your life was when you went to prison.

[469] Yeah, you know, I got the prison guards, just lady.

[470] I got a pregnant.

[471] You know, I had a lot of sex.

[472] That's true story.

[473] I had a lot of sex in prison.

[474] You had, he said he had sex in prison?

[475] Yeah, I had a lot of sex in prison.

[476] I ate a lot of food in prison I had a great time in prison I don't know if it's Mike Tyson but it's a fun character Damn I'm shocked that he I've got to listen to that podcast Hot boxing Anyway we'll be right back Yeah we are out of time on this one right Really seriously?

[477] Man another one flew by These go too quickly Yeah that one went very fast I had a ball here I had a ball here But this goes very fast What did you prefer Mike Did you prefer this podcast we just did with Dana Carvey or being imprisoned?

[478] You know, I'm all in prison.

[479] This is a great podcast.

[480] I used to get all the podcasts in prison.

[481] And all the best stakes.

[482] I guess I do with Mike Tyson now.

[483] You do, as of now.

[484] All right.

[485] We'll take a break.

[486] We'll take a break.

[487] That is it for today's quick episode with Dana Carvey.

[488] Tune in for another one.

[489] Thank you.

[490] I pity you.

[491] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[492] with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[493] Produced by me, Matt Goreley, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[494] Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song.

[495] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[496] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Bechton.

[497] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[498] Got a question for Conan?

[499] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[500] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[501] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[502] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.