#90 - Joey Diaz

[0] Buckle up, bitches.

[1] Joe Diaz is my house.

[2] With a backup generator in hands.

[3] Joe Diaz returns.

[4] What's up, baby?

[5] What's up, brother?

[6] Last time Joey Diaz was here, the fucking power went out, man. That's how I wrote.

[7] That was ridiculous.

[8] Because by the time the power came back on, he was so high.

[9] And he hadn't talked for like 20 minutes, and he was basically asleep.

[10] But it was such an organic podcast because shit happened.

[11] kept going.

[12] We just fucking conked and moved on.

[13] Yeah, we started an audio podcast while it was all going on.

[14] Red Band, what's happening?

[15] How are you doing?

[16] What's go?

[17] What the fuck?

[18] Get on the mic, though.

[19] I am.

[20] I'm trying to just hear my...

[21] With your little Keith Richard's head do today.

[22] Look at you.

[23] Looking sharper than a motherfucker.

[24] Yeah.

[25] I, you know, I've been noticing I wear hats way too much.

[26] And it's not like I'm wearing hats to cover up baldness or anything like that.

[27] I just fucking hate fucking with my hair.

[28] I hate it.

[29] I hate...

[30] I like being able to hide if I want to.

[31] You're just trying.

[32] Right now.

[33] he's trying to make up for the fact that he's trying to look sexy.

[34] I'm not trying to look sexy.

[35] This is kind of looking sexy.

[36] I'm not looking.

[37] Look at this picture, Joey.

[38] This is the shirt.

[39] This is a shirt we're going to be offering on higher dash primate .com.

[40] It is a Joey Diaz shirt by popular demand in the shirt says, Joey Diaz says, if you ain't high by two in the afternoon, go fuck yourself.

[41] Which is true.

[42] It should still continue.

[43] And that will be our number one.

[44] selling shirt for sure all those other monkey Buddha marijuana those are fine but this is going to take it to the next level you gotta get the word out there I like it this is a John Brian I lost my sound in my ear whatever you were just doing sound in your ear alright okay whatever you just did you just adjusted something and just lowered something right there that's it that's it it just turns it off like that off and on yeah oh that something's not right then that's weird I barely touched it Oh, well, this is a big difference.

[45] We've got to fix that thing.

[46] Anyway, whatever.

[47] So the Joey Diaz, if you ain't high by two in the afternoon, go fuck yourself.

[48] The t -shirt's done.

[49] The design is ready.

[50] It's going to be printed up as soon as we can get it to the shop.

[51] It should be any minute now.

[52] So I'll let you guys know.

[53] And Joe Diaz will be appearing where are you at this weekend?

[54] This weekend, nowhere.

[55] Nowhere.

[56] You're on Friday night.

[57] You're in the city.

[58] I'm at the bitter end in New York City on Tuesday at 9 o 'clock.

[59] What is the bitter end?

[60] The bitter end is an old rock comedy club that let us.

[61] Bruce and George Carlin and Pryor and yeah yeah but the last guy to do it was the guy from the Daily Show it's a small little rustic place yeah it's a small little rustic place in the village and the guy's name is Peter Fogel the guy that I met him during the UFC's I met him in Columbus we were both you guys went in without me and I had to go in Columbus they got a weird airport you just can't wait online you have to get a ticket and wait on fucking line so I waited an hour and Austin they're like you ain't got no ticket neither did he so he has this look on his face he's furious i gotta get to the hotel you guys leaving at 445 and for some reason i looked at him and i just seen this pain in his face and something i never do this just made me pulled back i go hey dog you need a bud don't you and he looked at me like i was jesus he goes how'd you know i left my weed on the fucking counter and i went in my ball sack and gave this guy a bud right there at the fucking taxi cab line i gave him a bud he just looked at it and looked at me like Are you fucking crazy?

[62] I was like a spirit that day.

[63] Who gives you a line of a butter fucking weed at the airport right there online?

[64] Who gives you weed out of their ball?

[65] Yeah, that's the most important part.

[66] And who's the most important part?

[67] I would probably deny it.

[68] I'd probably like, no, no, that's a call it.

[69] So I met him at the UFC after that.

[70] And every UFC, he's a devote fan.

[71] He goes to all of them.

[72] He goes to the Q &As.

[73] So when we spoke, he asked me if I was coming.

[74] I told him I couldn't.

[75] And he goes, why don't you do a show at my club?

[76] Now in the village, it's close to China, So I just kill two birds at one stone You know what I'm saying Wow so you're gonna do a show with who Who's doing it with you?

[77] Solo it's a solo show Yeah It's in between two bands Holy shit I'm pulled with Stanhope Why not I like that thing Wow I love that I love that little Stanhope really created a monster with me When he started the not doing The Comedy Club Revolution Yeah Because I really like that Every once in a while You gotta step outside of comedy club And just get down They only seat 260 The tickets are gonna go And everybody's standing No no no no Everybody they got a little tape This is an old fucking rock club, Jimmy Hendricks, Neil Diamond, Bob Dylan.

[78] You know, this is old school fucking Jimmy Hendricks from the Café War.

[79] I mean, this is a real little club.

[80] So, you know what?

[81] I don't want to do nothing in Jersey for my friends and nothing like that.

[82] So I figured let me go into the city.

[83] And if I call a calamity club, they're going to break my balls.

[84] Colmody club.

[85] Yeah, they're going to break my balls.

[86] They're going to put me up at 2 in the fucking morning.

[87] Right.

[88] You know, 815 when there's nobody there.

[89] Why go through the aggravation?

[90] It's one -stop shopping All we have to do is just pump it up on Twitter We'll pack that place Oh, it'll be packed So how do people get tickets If they want to get tickets?

[91] There's no tickets You gotta go that night Tickets go on sale that night Old school Old school Cash?

[92] God damn I think they take credit They got a credit card machine?

[93] Yeah they got everything Wow so tickets go on sale When you get there When you get there You just got to get there That sounds like a pretty good idea $15 no drama Come on down bro It's a Tuesday night You know what I don't want a Friday You know me dog Any fucking mom mo -mo go on a Friday night.

[94] Let me see you get down on a fucking Tuesday night.

[95] Old school style.

[96] 9 o 'clock, 10 o 'clock show, get out of there, go to Chinatown.

[97] That's what I want to and then I'm on the Rochester the next day.

[98] Shazam.

[99] And what are you doing in Rochester?

[100] I'm doing a club called the Comedy Club in Rochester, New York, and Webster.

[101] It's a great little fucking spot.

[102] So that's Wednesday.

[103] That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

[104] Yeah.

[105] And how do they...

[106] Comedy Club?

[107] Couldn't they think of some kind of name?

[108] Bro, it's rock.

[109] There's nothing else out there, but woods.

[110] There's nothing up there, but woods.

[111] It's great.

[112] You know what I like going on.

[113] Bodies, frozen bodies.

[114] This is my third time.

[115] I mean, the first time it was January.

[116] That's brutal.

[117] I'll never do that shit again.

[118] But then now I go at least towards late March just because, you know, I like this stuff.

[119] What did you like to name a comedy club?

[120] Wouldn't that be a cool thing?

[121] I don't know.

[122] Like Zartans or something?

[123] Shut the fuck up.

[124] You're a mess.

[125] What's going on with you, baby, Joe?

[126] Nothing.

[127] Your family looks great, man. Thank you.

[128] It's amazing to know you a long time.

[129] to see what's come of your life.

[130] They're fucking beautiful.

[131] Thanks, man. It's amazing to have your wife and the Supremes, as I call it.

[132] That's what you have up here.

[133] You know, like the Anna Ross had the three sisters, the Supremes.

[134] Mrs. Rogan has the Supremes.

[135] You've got the three girls.

[136] It's all over for you.

[137] You like the manager.

[138] Have they done any dance numbers for you yet?

[139] Like choreographed dance numbers?

[140] This is great, Joe Rogan.

[141] I got tears in my eyes.

[142] It's, uh, look at you.

[143] You have a very, very nice, especially, you know, you didn't grow up in no fucking mansion when you were a kid.

[144] You had it, you know, look at you.

[145] great little family you put together.

[146] I'm very proud of you.

[147] Thanks, man. You don't see this much in men, and he's great with him, isn't he?

[148] He's fucking great with him.

[149] They love him.

[150] They're like, that's big motherfucking daddy, Kane Rogan and shit.

[151] Joey, I like your hair today.

[152] It's really nice hair.

[153] It's cold.

[154] It's my community look, yeah.

[155] This is my first commuting look.

[156] I'm bringing it back, you look like you're on your way to court.

[157] Nah, no, there's no. Do you know a fucking cop tried to shake me down today?

[158] What?

[159] What?

[160] A fucking cop pulled me over today.

[161] And I asked, I know they have the camera on the cars I just ask them Is there any reason why you're pulling me over He goes no no no We had you mistaken Then we ran your plate And you're okay You're free to go Then what the fuck you're pulling me over for I think he was pulling me over To see if I was smoking herb But I don't smoke herb in my car So you're fucked guy Really you don't think it might have been Just exactly what you were saying That they just got confused I know how he did it I parked in a different place By my house And he was on my corner And as I made a left I seen how he looked at me And I was doing the speed limit I don't fuck around I went down, and by the time I got to hunger, he had made a U -turn and got right behind me. Like, you know, when you're looking at your radio and you look up and there's a cop behind you out of the way?

[162] But it couldn't have been that he just thought you were somebody else?

[163] Maybe he saw your haircut and he was attracted to you.

[164] He never thought.

[165] Oh, he had another guy with him.

[166] The fuck is wrong with you, Brian.

[167] Strong possibility, Brian.

[168] You think so?

[169] But no, maybe, I don't know.

[170] But I thought I was going to be late.

[171] That's why I called you.

[172] That's why I called you.

[173] I said, this motherfucker's going to pull me over at 10 a half the truth.

[174] What makes you think he was trying to shake you?

[175] down.

[176] Like, did they really do that anymore?

[177] No, no, not shaking you down.

[178] He'd shake me down.

[179] See?

[180] Yeah, let me see what in your pockets.

[181] Just see what's going on.

[182] Maybe he was he thought I was smoking dope in the car.

[183] Right.

[184] You know, and then when he was...

[185] You just looked like a dude would be smoking pot in the car.

[186] Yeah, that's what it was.

[187] No smoking in the car.

[188] He's got weed.

[189] Joe, you would smoke in the car everywhere.

[190] You would smoke in the car in the car in fucking Texas.

[191] And I'm like, dude, this is...

[192] Don't smoke in the car.

[193] This is not a smart move.

[194] And they would give me a hard time.

[195] Don't smoke in the car.

[196] Don't smoke in the car.

[197] Don't smoke in the car.

[198] You guys want to go to jail?

[199] I don't do it.

[200] You know, this is like, this is not California.

[201] I don't do it because of that.

[202] I just don't do it because sometimes at daytime, I don't need to be that fucking stone.

[203] I really get stoned in the morning.

[204] That's good enough.

[205] If I take weed with me in the car, I'd be a mess.

[206] It's not a smart move.

[207] It is funny how California makes you totally forget that.

[208] Like, in Ohio, I was paranoid about smoking weed anywhere.

[209] Like, I would clean up the seeds from my car.

[210] I mean, I was like, now I fucking feel like it's like everywhere.

[211] That's why there's states laws.

[212] I mean, that's how it's supposed to be.

[213] I mean, it's not supposed to be that someone could.

[214] stop you from doing it, but it is supposed to be that some places can decide it's okay.

[215] What happened in West Hollywood last night?

[216] Did you hear about this?

[217] I heard nothing.

[218] All these weed stores got raided and one of them caught fire.

[219] Ari's weed store is gone.

[220] Zen weed or something like that.

[221] No!

[222] Yeah.

[223] It's gone.

[224] There's a sign it says it's closed forever or something like that.

[225] Wow.

[226] And I heard that one of the places they set on fire like I don't know if it was the grow yard or whatever but there was one place on fire.

[227] Zen fucking whatever The best Jolly Rancher candies You will ever eat in your life I was eating them Popping him with Ralphie Mae like they were candy He bought a bag of them This fucking big And by the third one I'm at the sushi place And I didn't even know where the fuck I was Do you guys realize how alien This conversation is to most people Listening all over the world We had this conversation I think during the morning You and I called you and I said You know As a kid you expect jet packs And you expect people going to Mars And shit that I thought in any of my youth that I'd ate in the morning I would be at a wee store eating bagels and smoking dope next to an attorney and a construction fucking work on their way to work.

[228] Fucking cops have medical marijuana licenses they do?

[229] I think so.

[230] I think they're allowed to.

[231] I don't think you can.

[232] I don't think you can piss clean.

[233] You have to piss clean.

[234] You do?

[235] Yeah, I mean, to get signed up for a license.

[236] I mean, I don't think they're allowed to test them.

[237] I mean, I shouldn't be talking out of my ass because I don't know what kind of testing they do once they're in office or once they're on the job, but to get to be a cop, I'm sure they must have to piss test you.

[238] I think at the beginning of something, or they do psychological and all that shit to you about it.

[239] You know what, man, look, there's too many fucking restrictions if you're a guy who's just got a fucking job, all right?

[240] If you're just a guy who works at UPS and you know, you've got a decent management job and you like it and you've got a fucking piss into a cup every couple months, so you can't even enjoy yourself at your brother's wedding.

[241] Everyone's sitting around smoking a joint, listening to some good songs and you've got to stand over there by the fan because you worry, yeah, you worry that shit's going to get in your hair.

[242] The fuck, man. That's nonsense.

[243] If you get high, you're only high for like two hours at the most and then it goes away unless you're really high, unless you eat it.

[244] And even then the fuck, by the time you get to work, most likely you'll be sober.

[245] If you ate so much weed that you're still high the next day.

[246] Have you ever been high in the car, guys?

[247] And something happens that you go, That was close.

[248] Like you missed an accident or somebody was next to you and you just put the blinker on and went and realized it was in.

[249] I've done that so much.

[250] And when I'm not high, though, so I can't really judge if that was, if I would have done that regardless if I was high or not.

[251] You know, like something where you're like looking down at your shoe or something like that.

[252] Like, what's on my shoe?

[253] I never do that.

[254] You've never put yourself high and slipped and said, wow, that fucking was close or something.

[255] No, no. I'm very conscious of two things.

[256] I don't drive if I'm high like that.

[257] And I don't ever not pay attention to the road.

[258] Paying attention to the road is very important to me. You never catch me texting.

[259] I don't text in my car.

[260] Get the fuck out of here.

[261] And I was in a card once with a chick.

[262] She was a publicist for one of the clubs, and she was driving me to radio.

[263] And she's fucking texting on the highway.

[264] On the highway!

[265] Like, you got that kind of control over your car, really?

[266] You're going to, you hit a rock.

[267] steering wheel twist to the right and you got this you got this you're really paying attention to what you see in front of you are you crazy we're going 80 miles an hour i had to tell her stop i said please stop doing that you know if you're going to text you know let me drive you know don't do it it's fucking not worth it it's not worth it just but for a lot of people man it's too goddamn easy it's too tempting you know it's right there my car has a little thing bmw has this little knob that you can you dial the phone from all this so you got like your your address book shows up on a screen you can scroll through it so you never have to take your eyes off the road you can you can just you know you're right there but you're still typing something yeah very little forward has a button you just go dial joe rogan we have that too the mw has that they all have that now but my point is like even that's tricky even that you've got to watch what the fuck you're doing when you're clicking yes and okay but at least you're looking ahead and like you're getting the peripheral in there at least you know you're getting a decent vision but man fucking people who text their car freak me out.

[268] I see it all the time.

[269] You're hurling a giant metal machine, 70, 80 miles an hour around a bunch of other ones.

[270] And you're not even fucking paying attention, you cunt.

[271] Do you think eventually us as a race is going to get to the point where that is just common, like you can do it super easy?

[272] Like you just get trained.

[273] No, the input's ineffective.

[274] There'll be another input.

[275] I mean, it's going to get to some sort of a neural input at that point.

[276] But, you know, that's all coming.

[277] You know, we're resisting all of that.

[278] But, I mean, look, everything we've got today is fucking witchcraft 300 years ago.

[279] Witchcraft, total witchcraft.

[280] An iPhone is sorcery, man. That shit, it would fucking burn you at the stake if you showed up with an iPhone.

[281] And now it's here.

[282] What comes next?

[283] We're going to have to get over this human machine interface.

[284] We're going to have to get over the idea of implants.

[285] People are going to have shit implanted into their body.

[286] And you're going to be able to communicate with other machines and other people who have chips planted in their body.

[287] The human body will become a computer.

[288] My buddy, I'm laughing because my buddy has a joke that he did a in Texas.

[289] He did a one -nighter in a club in a part of Texas that was so backwards that the opening act was a magician and they thought he was a devil worshiper.

[290] Because he was doing magic?

[291] Yeah, he was doing magic.

[292] It is one of the funniest bits and he goes, Joey, it was a knight from hell.

[293] He goes, they were all like white Christians and this guy was in there making birds disappear and shit.

[294] They thought he was the devil.

[295] They were like, get that devil out of the building.

[296] They pay them and ask them to fucking leave.

[297] That's beautiful.

[298] That's hilarious.

[299] They thought he was the fucking devil.

[300] You know, man, this is a thing about religion.

[301] You can tell me you believe in God all day, but as soon as you start talking about the devil, holy shit, did you throw yourself in a box?

[302] Because you can't be all spiritual.

[303] You know, even spiritual people are like, well, I didn't believe in religion, but I'm very spiritual and I definitely believe in God.

[304] You know, but they don't go, well, the devil's real.

[305] I'm pretty sure of that.

[306] Yeah.

[307] Pretty sure the devil's real.

[308] Like, the what?

[309] He lives underground, Joe.

[310] The devil.

[311] Come on, the fuck on.

[312] Come on, really?

[313] Come on the fuck on.

[314] You can't fucking say you believe in the devil.

[315] That's where people draw the line.

[316] When you're saying you believe in the devil, you're just going deep, deep, deep, deep.

[317] You're going fire, brimstone, fucking dragons.

[318] The exorcist was on this morning.

[319] I'm blind in the fucking morning.

[320] I get back, and I'm just going through the channels.

[321] I put the news on, and it was like Spike from last night watching the UFC countdown.

[322] And I'm like, is this the fucking Exorcist at 905 in the morning?

[323] Spike has lost that goddamn mind.

[324] It was on Spike, bro.

[325] Just people that don't have this in perspective because it's 2011, and you've had some amazing, you know, fucking Avatar -type movies.

[326] And, you know, movies just, they're on such another level now than they were back then.

[327] But when the Exorcist came out, dude, that was the scariest movie.

[328] of all time when that little girl spun her head around and starts stabbing herself with a crucifix going your mother sucks cocks in hell and she's, it's meat.

[329] She's stabbing and stabbing into the meat of her pussy with a crumb.

[330] It was barutal.

[331] I'm going to tell you something.

[332] I watched the movie this morning for 20 minutes while I was making breakfast and I sat there and it got me. I had to turn it off and get the fuck out of room.

[333] It's a brilliant movie from the movie.

[334] That movie is strong.

[335] They find that little devil in Africa And that's why I feel that Africa's always fucked Because that devil they found them Africa's never looked back There's always something going on in Africa Always something dog Somebody's getting killed There's a war Oh Egypt this, that Think about it Look at Africa every week They got fucking something Except this week My prayers go out to fucking Japanese people It's crazy Every day that gets crazy and crazy over that But you know this exorcist was brilliant Watch the fucking movie with no interruption Yeah no it's a brilliant You know, they had a lot of problems on that movie.

[336] Yeah.

[337] Like a lot of problems, like a lot of weird things that the studio burnt down.

[338] It was just fucking crazy.

[339] You know that guy, the guy I named my cat after, there's a cat in there.

[340] When she's the rocking chair and she keeps telling the priest, D. Me, that he's going to be a boxer.

[341] Right.

[342] That's Jackie Gleeson's motherfucking son -in -law.

[343] Really?

[344] That's a...

[345] Shit.

[346] Whatever's father in real life.

[347] He's an actor.

[348] The kid's an actor.

[349] But that guy never...

[350] Dimitri.

[351] Remember, like, his name was like Demetrius.

[352] and she used to call him D. Demi.

[353] Why do you do this to me?

[354] And that was the boxer.

[355] That was the boxer.

[356] The priest.

[357] And at the end, he just beats the fuck out of the devil.

[358] He got him down.

[359] He drowned and pounded Linda Blair.

[360] And Linda Blair's taken out of the bottom position.

[361] And then she just throws him out to, remember he gets up and he just goes out the fucking window.

[362] Yeah.

[363] It's a brilliant movie.

[364] They can't do that shit ever again.

[365] They don't have that kind of writing.

[366] They don't have that.

[367] Well, it hadn't been done yet.

[368] Deep!

[369] So when it was done, it was, they went so far with it, too.

[370] You tell me there wasn't some arguments about whether or not they should have her stab herself in the pussy with a cross There must have been some studio conversation Back then, yeah It's 1972 people Who the fuck?

[371] She's screaming your mother sucks cocks in hell And she's stabbing herself in the pussy Yeah, that has to have been crazy How'd they even get that past?

[372] But here's the part I was watching Terrifying man That was brilliant When the devil's first coming into the house There's a fight one night in her house She's having a because she's an actress the mother and she's having like a party and the guy's German, the waiter and the guy keeps saying something to him you fucking Nazi and two days later they find the guy in the bottom of the stairway with his neck twisted and they couldn't figure out who can I mean it's a deep the exorcist is a lot deeper Remember when she goes up to the astronaut she goes you're going to die up there?

[373] Yes that was like the first creepy little girl like in movies I mean the Stephen King the twins and shining those are creepy little girls those are kind of interesting You know, the one, what is that, the Japanese one?

[374] What is that one?

[375] Oh, uh...

[376] The fuck is it?

[377] The, uh...

[378] TV girl.

[379] Yeah, the, the fucking, you know what I'm talking about?

[380] The TV girl with the TV that crawls out the TV and a...

[381] God damn it.

[382] They did an American version of it too, right?

[383] Didn't they?

[384] Whatever it is, the spooky little scary Japanese girl.

[385] I would have sex with her.

[386] Would you?

[387] Yeah.

[388] You would, you fucking idiot.

[389] She had, let me taste of that movie, like all these little twins.

[390] Like the, what's the name?

[391] The little twins?

[392] that did full house like oh my god they were on TV they never got to have a childhood bitch Linda Blair was putting a cross in her pussy at the age of 12 somebody went to Linda Blair and said Linda hi can you sit down for a second with your mother in the room in this film we want you to take a fucking cross and put it in your little twat and say your mother sucks cox in hell can you say that repeat to that to me this movie fucked her up so much she ended up hanging out with Rick James 20 years later was she not Doug member she was she never recovered from that film that was one of the how could she how could you do a movie when you're 12 where you're you're stabbing yourself in the pussy with a cross how could you do that and then expect to be normal yeah and she's screaming it's sex cox yeah mother sucks cox in hell and that crazy voice that was the first original really scary movie because there have been monster movies before like dracula and shit but there was nothing that like seemed real creep show was my scary one i was a great one i never i never saw it Exorcist as a kid.

[393] I saw it as an adult but Creep Show was fucking used to freak me out.

[394] I used to play on the old HBO all the time.

[395] Creeps show was great.

[396] Creeb show is great.

[397] Nightman on Elm Street the first one fucked my world up a little.

[398] Yeah, that was a good one.

[399] When the tongue comes out of the phone, that's brilliant, bro.

[400] That's fucking brilliant.

[401] I don't give a fuck what anybody says.

[402] When he goes to pick it up and that little tongue starts moving.

[403] Yeah, we were talking about this the other day, but the silence of the lamb still fucking holds up.

[404] There's a few movies that still...

[405] At night, they're going to do a thing on A &E.

[406] I've seen it before about the making of that.

[407] Yeah.

[408] How much went into that?

[409] How much of this character?

[410] That movie's a work of art. She's a bad motherfucker.

[411] She's a bad...

[412] She's so badass, even when she's nervous.

[413] Like, she's talking to him, like, you know, Mr. Lecter, you know, like, her nervousness.

[414] It's, like, so fucking real.

[415] Like, she must have made herself nervous for that.

[416] Like, the way she's doing it, it's like, these are, like, little weird twitches in your lip that you can't even fake.

[417] You know what I mean?

[418] Like, you would literally have to be nervous to be having these little twitches and quivers in your mouth as she's communicating.

[419] like she's having a hard time getting it out she's brilliant dude and he him and her together Jesus fucking Christ Anthony Hopkins come on man it's just a fucking there's so much about that movie that was so badass the way he got out of the jail the way he tricked them and got out of the jail it's like the suspension of disbelieve you don't need much of it when he's Spider -Man he threw his commenter remember yeah Miggs Miggs that was my nickname from one friend my friend John Tobin he used to call me Miggs because of that Why?

[420] No idea.

[421] He's fucking crazy.

[422] Bro, he made Miggs kill himself.

[423] Yeah.

[424] Talk to Miggs and killed himself.

[425] Yeah.

[426] Nobody's done that since Robert Duval and Godfather 2.

[427] When he talked the Freddie 5 fingers, angles, and to kill himself in the tub.

[428] Remember, he goes to visit him in jail, and he goes at the end of the party, the Romans would get together and eat fruit, and then they slice their fucking wrists, and the next day they're playing cards.

[429] And what's his name?

[430] He cut himself in the tub.

[431] That's a fight talk.

[432] Holy shit, I forgot about that.

[433] Godfather 2 is one of the few movies.

[434] movies where it was just as good as Godfather 1, or good enough for me at least.

[435] There's very few that are like that.

[436] What a great fucking film.

[437] Never seen any of them.

[438] Like Alien 1 and Alien 2 is debatable.

[439] Because like this Alien 2 was kind of fun because there was a lot of goddamn aliens and there was a big giant fucking alien.

[440] It's still pretty badass.

[441] But Alien 1 was creepier.

[442] It was a different thing.

[443] It was skate.

[444] You couldn't see it.

[445] You didn't know where it was.

[446] By the time you saw it, it got you.

[447] And it was impossible to kill.

[448] But there's Alien 2, it's like you're killing them left and right.

[449] Like, okay, now this is a totally different thing.

[450] It's still awesome.

[451] Because these things are stupid now.

[452] They were super smart and clever, and they would get you and hide on people.

[453] Now, they're killing 10 of them before one person gets killed.

[454] Like, that's silly.

[455] So if you look at that, but it's still a badass fucking movie.

[456] So it's like not, I don't think it's as good as Alien 1, but God damn, it's still one of the best all -time science fiction movies.

[457] You know, Alien 2.

[458] It just Alien 1 was so fucking badass.

[459] ass.

[460] When that shit came out, dude, I remember I went to see that.

[461] And the first thing I said when I got out of the theater, I said, fuck Star Wars.

[462] Fuck Star Wars.

[463] Like, that's like, and I'm a huge Star Wars fan.

[464] I saw Star Wars like 13 times when I was a little kid.

[465] But when I saw Alien and I was like, just that's what aliens are going to be like, man. It's not going to be like some fucking furry dude with a bandolier on and a gun.

[466] That's not going to be aliens, man. Aliens is going to be some weird parasites that lock onto people and grow inside our bodies and explode out of our chests.

[467] And so, you go on your weaver was a bad motherfucker and both of them, wasn't she?

[468] Dude, she's bad ass.

[469] She's badass.

[470] That is when she was young, too.

[471] You know, she was fierce.

[472] She didn't give a fuck.

[473] There's a few, you know, there's a few people that make acting worthwhile.

[474] And they don't seem to need that much attention.

[475] They seem to be pretty fucking, like that guy, who was the guy my left foot, Daniel DeLuis?

[476] That guy's a brilliant actor.

[477] And you barely even fucking hear a peep about that guy.

[478] He's never going to like events and, making a big deal about things and holding press conferences and fucking, you know, sitting in talk shows and, you know, crossing his legs talking about his fucking vacation.

[479] You know, no, no. That guy's hiding in Ireland, learning how to box, you know what I mean?

[480] He's fucking eating gruel and living in a prison because he's got to be in a prison movie.

[481] There's a couple of them that I really respect.

[482] I really respect that part of the ass.

[483] He's the baddest motherfucker of all time.

[484] Daniel Day Lewis, between him and Gary Oldman, it's like, it's a toss -up.

[485] You know, Gary Oldman, even in this stupid Red Riding Hood, movie.

[486] I went to see Red Rodding.

[487] Was that good, by the way?

[488] I don't think you ever see it was good.

[489] It's okay.

[490] It was decent.

[491] You know what it was?

[492] It was like, it was, it was entertaining, you know, but it was parts of it when you say, wow, this could have been really good.

[493] This could have been really good, but it got a little twilighty at the end.

[494] It got a lot twilighty at the end.

[495] But there's parts of it that are, but Gary Oldman's a bad motherfucker.

[496] Even in a silly movie, he still comes across like the creepiest motherfucker.

[497] You makes you uncomfortable when you see him, you know, like, ah, shit, he's here.

[498] Like you feel it when he's, in the room.

[499] Like, he ain't no fucking cardboard cut out of a villain.

[500] He's thinking like a fucking villain.

[501] He's, his eyes are lit up like a killer.

[502] Like, for real.

[503] He's not, you know, there's some dudes that don't know how to do that or they can't do that.

[504] I don't know what it is.

[505] I can't do it.

[506] I don't know what it is that they, did they do it?

[507] I don't, I've never been a successful actor.

[508] But whatever the fuck it is that those guys have, those, like, what's this thing?

[509] Russell Crow, he's got it too.

[510] They can just become somebody.

[511] They can just really become someone different than who they are.

[512] There's only a few dudes who can do that.

[513] But those guys are valuable.

[514] You know, those guys, that's a, that's a crazy trick, man. Right.

[515] You know what this guy really fucking talks like, and it's not weirding you out, but all of a sudden he's got this strange accent.

[516] Like, you know what Russell Crow really talks like.

[517] But all of a sudden, he's playing some guy from Brooklyn and you buy it?

[518] How are you buying into this?

[519] Why, come on, I know what his real voice sounds like, but yet I'm still roped in.

[520] He's that good.

[521] You know who's the worst?

[522] They give him $20 million a fucking, who's why?

[523] You know who's the worst at doing that, though?

[524] Mike Myers.

[525] Mike Myers?

[526] I mean, every single movie is the same fucking character.

[527] Exactly.

[528] Well, it's different when you're trying to be funny.

[529] He's a sketch guy, bro.

[530] These fucking actors, listen, there's some motherfucking actors that could act their fucking asshole.

[531] And when they're around you, you know it.

[532] Denzel, Marlon Brando, the chick from The Postman always rings twice, that Jessica Lang.

[533] Then bitches were treacherous.

[534] These fucking little bitches today couldn't deal with them.

[535] These actors today hanging out at the fucking on Hollywood.

[536] You think half of these motherfuckers.

[537] could run with Marlon Brando when he was slinging dick in his day.

[538] Are you fucking kidding me?

[539] They went down on pot.

[540] What's that movie he did down on the island when he before he bought the island?

[541] Island Dr. Moreau.

[542] No, the one before that with a treasure when Water Brothers said, yeah, go down there.

[543] Have a blast.

[544] They went down and he wasn't even director.

[545] He was banging fucking chicks 10 of the time.

[546] He had some water boy fucking film in the fucking movie.

[547] He had footage of there with boats going by and birds.

[548] They're like, Marlon, what the fuck he'd been doing down there for eight months?

[549] They weren't even going to give the godfather because of that.

[550] They were like, we don't even want to hear that fucking name.

[551] That guy blew eight months of our life.

[552] We went down there, his wildlife, and he's drawing pictures.

[553] We're sending checks down here.

[554] He bought a fucking island.

[555] Did he really?

[556] You don't know about that?

[557] Well, I know he lived on an island, right?

[558] And then for Superman, they're trying to call him up, come back.

[559] He's like, listen, I read the script send me a hundred grand.

[560] You had to pay him to read a script.

[561] Wow.

[562] 20 grand to read it.

[563] You want him to show up.

[564] That's 100 grand for a meeting.

[565] I got to come off the island, dog.

[566] So 20 grand to read, 100 grand to...

[567] Well, I think they hated him when he died.

[568] He had been pissing him off for 30 fucking years.

[569] And they couldn't do nothing.

[570] He was...

[571] Bro, the guy showed up at the Oscars.

[572] Didn't even show up.

[573] He sent an Indian to pick up his fucking Oscar.

[574] Go online and look at it.

[575] She's up there fucking booing her and shit.

[576] This guy last week at the aisle...

[577] Oh, well, what's his little fact name?

[578] Anne Hathaway and the guy.

[579] Oh, they booed the Oscars.

[580] Bitch, you go back to...

[581] I don't know what happened.

[582] What happened?

[583] No, nothing happened.

[584] There are people complaining online that he wasn't funny.

[585] Bitch, you go back to 173.

[586] Oh, was it James Franco?

[587] Yeah, Marlon Brando sent a fucking Indian with a feather in that hat to pick up his Oscar.

[588] They were boo -inah.

[589] That's real Hollywood.

[590] Steve McQueen, those...

[591] We've had this conversation.

[592] Well, that was their only outlet to express themselves back then.

[593] They didn't have Twitter or the Internet or anything like that.

[594] You couldn't, like, stage a protest.

[595] What, express yourself?

[596] You're an acting Hollywood.

[597] If you wanted to do something, you wanted to protest something.

[598] In public.

[599] Yeah, you had to do it during an award show, like on television.

[600] That's crazy.

[601] For people to see it.

[602] I've never thought about that.

[603] You're completely right.

[604] Not only that.

[605] people wouldn't re -see it how do you re -see it right there was no re -seeing shit like that so you had to make like if you wanted to make a stand making public stands was very important back then it's the only way you had a voice right you know fucking mal in mind though put more indians in the movies no those black guys at the olympics they they held their fists up the with the black gloves on all right the black power fist you know because they're tired of being fucking treated like their shit their whole life and finally they get to do something they win the olympics and they're like look bitch you know stop with all this nonsense all this nonsense all this this racial hatred.

[606] And then everybody looked at it like as if they're racist, you know, what they're doing.

[607] Oh, they're black separatists.

[608] Oh, they're dangerous.

[609] So, like, that's a reaction.

[610] It's a reaction to the society that they lived in.

[611] And where else were they going to make that protest?

[612] That's the place.

[613] That's exactly the right place to do it.

[614] They did it subtle enough for me. They hold their fucking fist up in the air.

[615] That's subtle enough for me. That's how the fuck else you say?

[616] I'm talking about that message that they sent 60, you know, what it was 1960 something.

[617] What is he saying?

[618] What is the public?

[619] I don't even got a song like that you.

[620] Raise your fist to the music.

[621] You're not it.

[622] We stand yet.

[623] You're fighting.

[624] We fall.

[625] Together, we can't stand tall.

[626] Brother's going to work it out sometime.

[627] Whatever.

[628] Sometime realized.

[629] It's super bad.

[630] What's up, B?

[631] Man of a thousand bitches.

[632] Look at him.

[633] I'm watching you, Brian.

[634] You got four bitches and fucking...

[635] Incorrect.

[636] He's a very loyal.

[637] I'm very loyal.

[638] Shit.

[639] He's a slinging dick.

[640] He's breaking everybody's records.

[641] Yeah.

[642] It's got that pop star hair thing going on.

[643] I'm telling you, he's looking like...

[644] Whatever.

[645] He's looking like...

[646] Whatever.

[647] He gets all over it.

[648] Whatever.

[649] so over i'm going to a food truck what the fuck brine do you guys ever gone what's up with these food trucks i don't know if it's like this everywhere but in l .A the food trucks have attacked l .a like now food trucks are so popular they have twitters where you could like go on twitter and find out where the truck is and like on melrose the other day the whole street was just food trucks lined up and thousands of people everywhere this is a new recent trend right yeah brand new you know it's it's perfect for l a because the momos are out there with that Twitter and, you know, where is he?

[650] Oh, my God, we can't live without the food.

[651] The food's okay.

[652] The grilled cheese, when have you been there?

[653] The grilled cheese, but's good.

[654] And there's another one that's poppers, top, topas?

[655] God damn.

[656] And they don't pay rent.

[657] There's no overheads.

[658] The food's very cheap.

[659] Wow.

[660] You know, it's not bad.

[661] It's pretty badass.

[662] They have them in front of Skinny's on Thursday.

[663] They have an open mic and Skinny's.

[664] You go in there and do comedy.

[665] And on the way out, they got these fucking trucks everywhere.

[666] Wow.

[667] I see those Mexican ones, and I don't take the chance.

[668] No, they're like, those, like, upgraded.

[669] you know like nowadays they're like it's like a restaurant i think about taking a chance though sometimes like there's a el tapatio in the valley who i want to take you there if you want to go get some real max confitio yeah that always it's legit it's legit it's um i think it's in woodland hills okay it's on um like vana owner or something like that that place is legit dude they're they're pork tacos carnitas oh and oh oh they have that big dirty bowl of pickled jalapinos and carrots just sitting out there anybody could just stick their fucking hands in there no one cares big little plate of jalapinos and and radishes and shit like that and those jalapinos will fuck your world up these are jalapinos they grew you know what I'm saying like they grew these shits in their backyard they got these new jalapinos they don't make your ass burn like just when you're shitting they stay there all day it's like a subtle fucking burn to remind you all day you're in the bathroom triple wiping because you think you in white brine.

[670] You think you have like the second Rift more's coming out of your muffler.

[671] But these new jalapinos, bro, they burn your ass all fucking day.

[672] New jalapinos?

[673] I had this last week or two.

[674] My asshole was on fire all fucking day.

[675] I'm done with that stuff.

[676] What, you don't eat Mexican food?

[677] No, that with jalapinos.

[678] That shit just fucks me up too much.

[679] Dude, I make Karni -a -sada burritos with fresh jalapinos and I chop them up in there and I chop up like a whole pepper and a half and then in one burrito and it just fucking cleans the whole system out, son.

[680] Snots from Oh, tears are coming down your eyes, your tongue's on fire.

[681] But, God damn, your body's like, gets like a nice jolt.

[682] It feels like you're fucking dusting off all the bullshit.

[683] Yeah.

[684] You don't get into it, huh?

[685] Sitting out half a quarter of blood.

[686] Brian likes mashed potatoes.

[687] Mashed potatoes and meatloaf.

[688] No gravy, please.

[689] Thank you.

[690] Do you have milk?

[691] Do you have whole milk?

[692] With that on white bread?

[693] I had a piece of mashed meatloaf from last night on white bread, wonder bread.

[694] Shit.

[695] Shit.

[696] A little ketchup on that motherfucker.

[697] Stop it.

[698] Here's another strong place to eat.

[699] There's a place called Chicks out here in the Valley.

[700] And I think that's in Calabasas.

[701] Maybe, somewhere around that.

[702] Anyway, this fucking place has, they made their own rotisserie.

[703] They throw a wood in it.

[704] It's a wood -burning rotisserie.

[705] Family -owned.

[706] They've owned this place fucking forever.

[707] You have to pay cash.

[708] Yeah.

[709] You've been there before.

[710] You have to pay cash.

[711] They don't have credit card machines.

[712] Fuck you.

[713] Cash.

[714] And they got this fucking brisket sandwich, dude.

[715] It's a barbecued brisket.

[716] with mashed potatoes in the sandwich.

[717] There's a layer of mashed potatoes and a layer of this mouth -watering brisket, and it's all in together, and, you know, it's a giant -ass -law.

[718] Dude, I'll take you there after this.

[719] You're going to shit your pants.

[720] I ate it.

[721] I ate it two days ago, and I've had irregular shits ever since then.

[722] I am so backed up, and it's all from this thing.

[723] It's giant.

[724] It weighs 13 pounds.

[725] It's the biggest sandwich you've ever eaten.

[726] Tremendous.

[727] A shit green, like fluorescent green today And the only thing I could think of was the mushrooms No, the mushrooms No, bro That's my shit's tripped You get Hulk AIDS, bro You know what's weird when Uh, no, right, I don't talk about that The fuck, Brian?

[728] I shroomed you.

[729] Hulk AIDS I shroomed for my first time In like seven or eight years I shrewed two days ago Beautiful Can you get some I could get shrew?

[730] What the fuck?

[731] Are we not on the internet, you cuntz?

[732] Jesus Christ, you guys are going to get raided?

[733] No, we're not going to get any mushrooms We're talking Shataki Yeah Talking Shatki You're fucking guys, a little too casual.

[734] You're excited about this weekend in New York?

[735] Fuck, yeah, yeah.

[736] I'm excited about New York.

[737] Excited to do Ope and Anthony.

[738] I'm excited to do the weigh -ins.

[739] Can't wait to do the shows at Gotham.

[740] I'm excited about everything, man. You know, I'm sorry I missed you.

[741] It was just that I didn't want to ask you.

[742] Oh, that's okay.

[743] I didn't really know.

[744] And they gave me the Rockchester week when I was there last year.

[745] And all of a sudden, I see the UFC's back to this year, so I didn't want to leave for 10 days in a row and ask you.

[746] Yeah, no, I understand.

[747] No, no worries, man. And then I said, fuck it because I wanted to go.

[748] back but I didn't want to go back during it because it's going to be busy in the next couple weeks and it's weird because I was telling you that day I'm going to visit a buddy of mine and I wanted to tell you the story just so you didn't know in 83 I was a fucked up kid and I was at a bar one night and this kid came in and I knew his whole family I knew his younger brothers and this kid had gone to the Air Force Academy where you had one did you go under the train or something once no I went to the Olympic trains there and his other brother went to Brown and we used to go visit his brother and his brother used to be there when Kennedy was on campus they were in the same fucking thing so we would go up there and watch Jackie O come through the campus and people would throw shit out of and call her a Jackie O, you're cunt, it was fucking crazy but just to get back to the story I wanted to get out of Jersey you know I wasn't doing the right thing you know and he came to me he's like I got a place in Colorado if you want to come he goes we'll buy a car and drive out and I was like I'll give you the money for the car but I wanted to rob this dude right I wanted to rob this drug dealer and I used to hide three kilos they used to deliver three kilos a month to his building and he would hide it in his parking garage so somebody slipped one night at a party and said that his buddy got three kilos delivered and he didn't want to put the coke in his house so my plan was to rob the kilos now at a time I used to deal with a loan shark all the time and he was my, you know he wasn't my friend but I knew him for years and I was trying to set him up too I would make him payments every week so what I was going to do is rob the drug dealers give him the five grand I owed him wait 10 days and then hit him for 50 and then take off to Colorado I was going to do, right?

[749] Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, I got lost.

[750] Oh, dog, I used to be the real deal.

[751] I've been trying to tell you this for years.

[752] So you were going to pay him back and then rob him?

[753] I was going to pay him back.

[754] I used to borrow from this guy constantly.

[755] For years, he owned a bar.

[756] He was a mob guy.

[757] We used to borrow from him constantly, constantly.

[758] Like, you'd fucking borrow $500 for $750.

[759] So that was $10 weeks to $75 a week.

[760] So people would come to me and say, bro, I'm in a bind with George.

[761] I'm in a bind.

[762] Can you get me money from George?

[763] And I would borrow it.

[764] And I'd get a point every week.

[765] So I was lending out money.

[766] So all together, my bill was $6 grand with him, but it was people that were paying the guy.

[767] Do you understand?

[768] That's a weird thing, like lending money.

[769] Oh, it's amazing.

[770] That's an East Coast thing, isn't it?

[771] This is huge.

[772] This is huge.

[773] It's not an East Coast thing.

[774] Is it?

[775] Everybody loan sharks.

[776] There's loan sharks.

[777] Banks are loan sharks.

[778] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[779] You're right.

[780] 41%.

[781] It's a loan shark.

[782] No, you're right.

[783] Some people have a car business, and they really, they're in a bind.

[784] They're legit people, but they want to buy 10 cars and they don't have the cash on them.

[785] But you know what?

[786] God damn, could you imagine if there's no banks?

[787] How much it would suck if you had to carry all your money around with you?

[788] Oh, no, it sucks.

[789] What if you had gold?

[790] What if you were like $50 ,000 and gold?

[791] Carrying the fucking sack, and there I come with a horse and stab me in the fucking bag.

[792] Yeah, what the fuck?

[793] What the fuck?

[794] That's when people used to like hole up money and dig holes in the dirt and bury shit.

[795] Yeah.

[796] That's why they did, because they couldn't carry it all.

[797] It's stupid.

[798] I wonder how much money's buried still.

[799] Whatever banks cost, they're worth it.

[800] Even when they rip everybody off, God, it would suck if there's no banks.

[801] there's no banks where's the money the problem with money is it doesn't really mean anything anymore it's not like this hundred dollar bill is worth a hundred dollars worth of gold it's not based on gold anymore it's based on like confidence like you have to like believe in in the money it's silly that's crazy that's why everyone should just spend it as fast as possible it doesn't make sense I mean gold makes no sense anyway I mean even if you get to that I mean the fact that everybody was into gold you know the only thing that makes sense about gold is that I guess it's rare you know it's you can't just have it you can't just like say look I've got millions of dollars because it's everywhere you just go out in the woods and cut it down that's hard to get but what the fuck man there's gotta be a better way fuck the fucking gold I'm telling them you're right away your poor reveal with gold who's talking about fucking gold it's fascinating man money's fascinating it's $800 a fucking out right now you're ripping people off so I'm not ripping nobody off I'm gonna set this guy up because I wanted a new life in Colorado so we're going to rob this drug deal I was going to take that money pay the loan shark off wait 10 days and go hey I got a line on a kilo of coke I need $50 ,000 he would probably get me 30 and I was going to move to Colorado and buy property and whatever the fuck I was like to.

[802] Why didn't you think he was going to go after you?

[803] Because they don't they don't go outside fucking New York City that's only in the movies these fucking ballrods these guys go to Miami and they're scared you know what I'm saying you know the people you grew up with in Boston where do they go they go to fucking whatever the fucking pigeon place in Boston in the summer and they're Anything out of that area, their comfort zone.

[804] They fucking freak, bro.

[805] They can't take it.

[806] You know, the mob really lost a lot of credibility when Sammy the Bull Gravano got away with everything.

[807] Everybody lost credibility.

[808] That was the most ridiculous thing.

[809] I thought, for sure, he was going to kill that guy, right?

[810] Like, that's what happens.

[811] You can't be a rat.

[812] You know, he walked the dawn up.

[813] Whoa, there must be, like, people coming after him.

[814] That's when you realize, like, whoa, this is not the organized thing that it appears to get on television.

[815] Do you know what was going to kill Sammy the Bull?

[816] Who?

[817] Chicago cops were putting together to murder Sammy the Bull.

[818] Really?

[819] to make money?

[820] Yeah.

[821] How much was the money?

[822] I had no idea, but they knew that there was a contract out of them, and Chicago cops were going to go down there and blast it.

[823] That's how crazy is.

[824] To be a dirty cop, man, you've got to really take a chance.

[825] You've got to really put yourself out there, you know, and to get a bunch of other dirty cops together.

[826] Like, you've got to, like, assume that you're all going to keep your mouth shut, and you're all, but it happens all the time, man. All the time, they're always busting cops.

[827] There's just too much power.

[828] There's too much temptation.

[829] I've searched before.

[830] There's tons of dirty cops on Craigslist.

[831] Oh, bro.

[832] He stumbled on that one, too.

[833] I'm so excited to get it out.

[834] You know, it's crazy, man, because after a cop is a cop, you know, I can just imagine being to living all your life to protect your country and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[835] And also, one day you actually, to be a cop, you have to have a certain gene.

[836] You really want to help people.

[837] You really have to genuinely help people because it's $30 ,000 a year.

[838] Or it's just you want the job.

[839] Right.

[840] It's $30 ,000 a year.

[841] I think it's more than that.

[842] 38 ,000 to start You gotta walk a beat And carry a gun And people shoot at you None of these cops are getting fucking rich You gotta be a cop for years And become a detective And you know A first grad And how much can a detective make 7080 ,000 Maybe 100 ,000 A commander chief 150 ,000 I don't know But I don't think a lot That's why there's dirty fucking cops That's why one day They go, what the fuck am I doing I have three kids Take a little here, take a little there You know I'm making 38 ,000 A fucking a year You know and this guy wants to give me $5 ,000 so I don't bust this bookmaking operation on the corner who the fuck are they bothering?

[843] You know, that's how it starts, bro.

[844] And I guess it's like, hey, we were talking about the other day that you had Andy Dick on and he said that sometimes when you're doing a bad show or you're so upset with yourself that you resort to doing it.

[845] You know, you're just not happy with the present condition of your life.

[846] It was happened for a cop too.

[847] It's fucking tough being a cop every night.

[848] And at the end of the day, you go home at 8 in the morning after a 12 -hour shift and you're making 40 fucking grand a year and people are shooting at you and you got to be out there in the rain and, you know, nobody, you know, it's funny because only on TV are people nice to cops.

[849] Right.

[850] You know, cops put up with a lot of shit on the other end.

[851] You know, people like me, I was a criminal, so I'm always a gentleman to cops.

[852] I don't want them fighting that warrant.

[853] So I'm as nice as honey.

[854] I'm as nice as, you know what I'm saying?

[855] But there's people at there that have a little money or think that bad to the bones.

[856] They're like, why are you pulling me over for a bitch?

[857] You get the ticket, motherfucker, for opening up like that.

[858] Absolutely.

[859] An officer, was I doing something off?

[860] Yeah, listen, they're there because there's a lot of people that are fucking crazy.

[861] And you need some protection from those people.

[862] You need somebody pulling them over when they're weaving in between lanes.

[863] You need someone tackling them when they're ready to shoot people in a fucking mall.

[864] You need cops.

[865] People that don't think you need cops are crazy.

[866] I give anarchist talk.

[867] The older I got and the wiser you get, I give my life to teachers, cops, anybody who's a public servant.

[868] You know, all last week we're talking about this fucking mutt, Charlie Sheen, who's basically a fucking rich junkie.

[869] if you come down to it that's just sitting there talking shit do you have the boss to get on a plane right now and go to Japan and help those fucking people nobody talks about those fucking people nobody can't really nobody listens to a fucking doctor if a doctor did a fucking podcast today and tried to tell you how to stay fucking healthy you think he'd get the views you get or this fucking Momo Charlie Sheen no Dr. Oz you know you think that we're handsome man Think about that our society Think about our fucking society Those guys are open Japan right now picking up fucking walls, and there's kids under, they're yelling and screaming.

[870] They'll see things we wouldn't even imagine seeing in a lifetime.

[871] Those guys are going to come back, and next week they'll have another disaster in Venezuela or in Oregon, and those guys will never get, not even a fucking thank you.

[872] You know, that's always killed me. I can never be a public servant.

[873] I'm too much of a fucking piece of shit.

[874] There's people out there that are just, that's what they live for, you know, and they really believe in it.

[875] Bro, the day after that earthquake, think how many people just got on the plane, and they just came back from somewhere else.

[876] Where was there an earthquake?

[877] They just got back The fucking earthquake No, no, New Zealand With the church And there's a lot of God damn earthquakes lately We're fucking do We're sitting here like pigeons On a pond I don't know what the fuck we're doing Here giggling With a can't Like a bunch of fucking mobos We're next It's either gonna be San Francisco or we're buying some more time And then we're fucking next It's where we need to go to fucking Texas When shit goes down Texas is the best place to live At least all the guns are gonna come on the shit But think about all that shit Last week with these people Think about what it takes to go over there right now What are those people getting paid To get on the plane and go help those Japanese people It's a good question Fucking I turned down $50 fucking gigs If I got to drive an hour These motherfuckers are going over there Think about that bro You know What can they even do right now Right now what they have to do is figure out How to deal with those nuclear reactors Yeah you're walking into a nuclear reactive place To help fucking people You have no idea who they are But people in this country Give a Frenchman's fuck About that miserable cocksucker Charlie Sheen That's what I understand I think no one cares about Troshin anymore I think it's over It's fucking over It feels like it's over What the fuck who gives a fuck It's really quick It burned out quick I got tired of it I loved it for a couple days Now you're waiting for the call Like Belushi That's what you're doing now The mainstream video Killed it for me I think Yeah me too It's just all that The first one When the guy was playing The fart noises I'm like whoa These are the people He's hanging out with That's what he's talking Are you believe that shit Those are coke people Those Coke people are idiots You know That's what it is Coak people Are these weird fucking selfish indulgent, self -destructive people.

[878] They're not fun to hang out with.

[879] There's no cool conversation.

[880] I did it for 30 fucking years.

[881] And for the first 10, I did it with people because it was fun.

[882] You know how it's fun?

[883] Oh, my God.

[884] Let's do it.

[885] Oh, that's great.

[886] After that, I became this person that was inside.

[887] I couldn't be out with people.

[888] But I'd never hung out with those.

[889] I didn't like it.

[890] I can't listen to people when they're doing coke.

[891] I want to kill them.

[892] That's why, after a while, you can't even take chicks home because all you want them to do is suck your dick.

[893] I got to listen to this fucking story again.

[894] There's a line.

[895] Snort it.

[896] Suck them fucking nuts.

[897] Well, what everybody likes about this whole Charlie Sheen thing, is that this guy is saying, you know, fuck it, I'm just going to have fun.

[898] This is what I do.

[899] This is how I roll.

[900] You know, you don't like it.

[901] Fuck you.

[902] I'm a rock star.

[903] And, you know, that he's like got this crazy confidence and everything's doing.

[904] You know, winning.

[905] You know, next.

[906] And everybody wants to be able to think like that.

[907] Everybody wants to be able to, you know, like people that are struggling and they're going through some shitty job.

[908] Like, God damn, how bad ass would it be to be fucking Charlie Shee right now?

[909] You know, it's really funny.

[910] You said something to me after the Vegas show.

[911] You took me aside.

[912] You're like, huh, yeah, Joey.

[913] you know, you're stand -up, like a tee, you're working on it, or whatever the fuck you had to say to me. Well, the Coke was doing the same thing to my fucking stand -up.

[914] Instead of writing jokes, all I used to say was, fuck it.

[915] I'm Joey Diaz.

[916] I can bang it 50%.

[917] I can go up there lies to you, bro.

[918] Drugs, Coke, cigarettes, they lie to you.

[919] This idiot's buying into some Colombian fucking thing.

[920] Well, I'm not saying he's on the money, but I am saying that if he didn't die this way, what is he going to live forever and cure cancer?

[921] What the fuck difference does it make?

[922] I mean, the only thing that's sad and tragic is his kids are going to miss him.

[923] But you know what?

[924] I mean, what is he doing?

[925] What does he want to do with himself?

[926] This is what he wants to do.

[927] He wants a fucking party.

[928] I don't think you should stop him.

[929] Oh, no. Are you kidding me, Joe Rogan?

[930] It's so weak.

[931] I swore.

[932] I thought it was off.

[933] It's all right.

[934] Nobody important.

[935] It's all right.

[936] It happens sometimes.

[937] I made the mistakes to a call.

[938] It's, of course, it's Sussman.

[939] That's my man. So, yeah, a shirming man was fucking amazing.

[940] But you have a great.

[941] It was visual.

[942] It was to the point where the person I was with, I could see their, like, energy flow.

[943] blowing through their skin and then like we went outside and the stars are going crazy and then like shadows looked like they had texture it was how many hours did you trip for uh four good hours any diarrhea or anything from the mushroom just just bright green shit today that's what kills me yeah that kills me to trip while i was i used to get the diarrhea while i was on the mushroom i mean too that last time that's why i haven't done it in seven years when i lived in colorado i eat a mushroom in 10 minutes late i'm in the shitter trying to figure out how many trees they cut but have you done the have you done it the tea way before for it.

[944] That seemed like it was so much easier on your stomach.

[945] It didn't have any problem.

[946] The tea is fucking great.

[947] I've done the tea for concerts.

[948] It's great.

[949] I've had the amnita muskaria tea.

[950] What's that?

[951] And how was that?

[952] That's the mushroom that they believe is responsible for Christianity.

[953] That's that crazy red and white mushroom that looks like Santa Claus.

[954] Is it like a mushroom mushroom?

[955] Like, I mean, a psychedelic mushroom?

[956] Yeah, it's a psychedelic mushroom, but it's a different sort of a psychedelic.

[957] It's very weird.

[958] You know, I don't know if what I got was good stuff.

[959] It was very strange.

[960] And then Doug and I did it.

[961] And the day we did it was the day the war broke out.

[962] 9 -11 Yeah Yeah The day we went to war And we decided to go This dude Yon's house You know Yon Shut your shit off bro That's you son Anyway we go to this kid Yon's house And he lives out in the middle of the desert It's a weird fucking town Out in like Palmdale area or something You know Not there but one of those towns Where you're like What the fuck?

[963] Who's out here?

[964] What are you doing out here?

[965] And we get blitzkrieged On mushrooms out there And then we watched The news And the news never forget this.

[966] I've talked about this before.

[967] Doug Stanhope said, the guy goes on.

[968] He goes, war coverage begins at five.

[969] And Stanhope goes, holy shit, there's a kickoff.

[970] And we are shroomed to the gills to the point where everything I see.

[971] I shouldn't be social.

[972] I should have been alone in the room, closing my eyes, lying on my back.

[973] You see the, I saw the fabric of the universe as I was walking.

[974] Everything was a pattern.

[975] In front of me, it was all.

[976] really intense complex geometrics.

[977] It was like the covering of the walls, like, like, you know, like wallpaper or doors or anything, that all that stuff was, it became transparent.

[978] And you could see literally the structure of the universe through everything.

[979] Right.

[980] It was, we were fucked.

[981] I mean, we were gone.

[982] And the fucking war coverage starts.

[983] And it was so strange.

[984] That's crazy.

[985] I could imagine that.

[986] It was so bizarre, man. It just didn't seem real.

[987] It's like, it's 2000 and whatever the fuck it was back then.

[988] Two, three.

[989] And I was like, this is how we're rocking it.

[990] This is how we're rocking it.

[991] We're just going to, what the fuck?

[992] That probably fucked you up somehow, you know?

[993] I don't know.

[994] It's probably like burnt into your mind because mushrooms with 9 -11.

[995] That's insane.

[996] Because 9 -11 was crazy for everybody because that was something they never saw ever.

[997] You saw it in a psychedelic way.

[998] No, the war going off.

[999] Not 9 -11.

[1000] 9 -11.

[1001] No, who the fuck was, I wish I would have had mushrooms.

[1002] Can you imagine that?

[1003] You remember when we were hanging out in 9 -11?

[1004] It was interesting.

[1005] We went over to Mike Faberman's house.

[1006] It was Eddie and Ralphie and Joey.

[1007] It was an interesting fucking day because, boy, the shit had went down.

[1008] And we went to Baja fresh and we had some burritos.

[1009] And we were just sitting there and shooting the shit and just talking.

[1010] And not a fucking plane in the sky.

[1011] That was one of the weirdest things.

[1012] And they shut down all the flights.

[1013] Not a plane in the sky.

[1014] Speaking of Faberman, he has a new book out.

[1015] And he's been actually doing the tour, like the morning.

[1016] show toured all around the country and stuff him and his other yeah it's a cookbook and he writes it for camping like gourmet food while you're camping and stuff or outside and I have never eaten Faberman's food but I hear he's a bad motherfucker.

[1017] He's got great chicken man this chicken I don't know what he puts on it but yeah it's crazy because I did a I hit a window paint acid one night when I was a softball because it was like a clear acid it looked like a piece of glass so I did it one night And the people I were with, the one guy I was with freaked out.

[1018] It was a Monday night football game.

[1019] And he goes, bro, I got to go home.

[1020] Like, all right, fuck it, go home.

[1021] I guess I'll trip solo.

[1022] So I went and I go, I know I'll call for a buddy man knocking his door and his dad answers.

[1023] He's like, Joey, come on in?

[1024] I'm like, Mr. Bender.

[1025] I can't, ah, come on in and have a soda.

[1026] Wait for him.

[1027] He should be back from the gym or something.

[1028] So I sit down and I'm sitting there tripping my ass off watching fucking Monday night football with him.

[1029] And he's telling me about the stats of the game.

[1030] It was a jet game.

[1031] And I'm sitting there.

[1032] It's dark.

[1033] He watched the TV in the dark.

[1034] And all of a sudden, Howard Koselle comes on.

[1035] He goes, I like to report something.

[1036] John Lennon has just been shot in front of the Dakotas.

[1037] And here I am tripping on this fucking acid.

[1038] And I'm flying by this time.

[1039] And he's watching TV in the darkness.

[1040] And he's talking about, and I'm thinking about John Lennon getting shot.

[1041] Reports are coming in.

[1042] He's getting just got shot to Dakota.

[1043] We'll keep your posting.

[1044] Oh, my God.

[1045] America.

[1046] I have a sad former Beatle.

[1047] And he just wanted to.

[1048] to the speech you could hear it on youtube but i'll never forget sitting there thinking to myself you know like because when you when you're tripping you really can't comprehend the thought they go through you it's like john linton got shot and they shoot the other beetles well i hope they shot off it you know it just keeps fucking going and you can't stop these fucking thoughts but that was what happened to me that day like i just went over there they call for brian and he's like brian's that playing at his league but if you want to sit and watch the game it's weird when you remember when people died the jolt like what is it what is it what is that about memory, that some memories are so much more potent than others.

[1049] Some memories just stay forever.

[1050] They're just locked in, and you just don't get rid of them.

[1051] You remember where you were sitting, you remember what the room looked like, or you think you remember what the room looked like.

[1052] I bet it would be a little bit different if you actually saw it in real life.

[1053] But when people died, like, I remember I was at my girlfriend's house when I was like 18, and the Space Shuttle Challenger blew up, and I watched it blow up on TV.

[1054] And I didn't realize what had happened while I was flying to the...

[1055] I'm not sure if I saw a replay of it or if I saw it live.

[1056] but I didn't know what was happening and then it blew up and then I realized what they were showing and then I had to turn the volume up and I'm watching this I'm like holy shit like it blew up in the sky but like I can see the carpet I can see the walls of her room I mean I can see the whole thing I remember everything it's like it's locked in on me you know what is that why why how come I mean is it just do we not have enough capacity to remember shit like that all the time I don't know if it's that or what because I sometimes that kind of shit it pops out of nowhere though like it wasn't deleted like oh my god i forgot all about that and like all these memories come rushing in like out of nowhere so it's it's almost wonder makes you wonder if there is a drug or something that could just open all the doors and open all the memory you access to all your files i've been taking this five htp what is that shit from gnc where it's supposed to be pumping more serotonin or something like that does it work i've been only taking it like for a week but immediately i already find my my mind working better in memory.

[1057] And happiness.

[1058] I feel like more, of course, there's other reasons too, probably.

[1059] Well, you know, Chris and I are coming up with a, like a supplement line.

[1060] We're going to figure out all the best shit.

[1061] Like, we're working on it right now.

[1062] He is working on it.

[1063] And we're going to have pills where it's all of the best vitamins for mental function.

[1064] Throw that shit in there if you can.

[1065] You know what I'm talking about that?

[1066] I've never done it before.

[1067] But you know what I'm talking about it.

[1068] I take a bunch of different stuff, but that's not one of them.

[1069] I tell you what exercise is me is what I really right.

[1070] about a situation.

[1071] When I sit down and I go, okay, today I'm going to write about the time I tried out for freshman football.

[1072] And even though I had no fucking idea about it.

[1073] And then the memories come back to it?

[1074] And that, everything, everything in that genre.

[1075] Yeah.

[1076] Everything in that genre that maybe had to do with it.

[1077] Music, music when we're driving, sparks.

[1078] Nobody here if it gets teary -eyed in the car, you hear a song, man. My buddy, Johnny B., my best friend who died, when I were here, Van Morrison.

[1079] Marvelous Night for a Moon, that was like his song.

[1080] We would go to the diner.

[1081] These diners, you know, in New York, they're all, a lot of them are open 24 hours of dead.

[1082] And they had this thing here like this, that you spin around, the little vacation.

[1083] Yeah, and they had the fucking thing when you could pick the songs to listen to.

[1084] And you put a couple quarters in there, and you could play songs at your table.

[1085] On the table.

[1086] Yeah, you have like a little shitty -tiny speakers.

[1087] And we'd be eating cheeseburger deluxees at 3 o 'clock in the morning after playing pool, and he would play moon dance.

[1088] So now it doesn't matter where I am.

[1089] I was in Germany.

[1090] I was in Germany in the hotel, and it's playing in the lobby.

[1091] Marvelous night for a moon dance.

[1092] And I'm like, Mom, so you just think about that, dude.

[1093] Things get stuck in there, man. But you know when nothing gets stuck in there?

[1094] My act, you know?

[1095] My old material, shit.

[1096] When some of the people who, like, yell out at a show, like, I've had that a bunch of times, especially when I was doing the Q &A, which I haven't been doing recently because I'm trying to do more like a tighter, hard hour set.

[1097] I like the tighter.

[1098] I do, too.

[1099] You know, I thought of that after I saw Norton.

[1100] I saw Norton in Austin and killed.

[1101] He had a great set.

[1102] And he only did like 50 minutes And I thought about him like man That's what you all you need to do Like these hour and a half sets that I'm doing Two hour sets And a lot of it's just Q &A Some people like it But some people feel obligated to stick around Like it's just like it's too much attention That you're asking for them Tell me your show's over And then do the Q &A Maybe I'm gonna figure out another way to do Q &A Maybe do a night Where it's just Q &A Where it's not You know make it real cheap You know just to pay for the room And make it so that like One night maybe there's not a stand -up show.

[1103] It's a Q &A show.

[1104] Because it's like, it's a little indulgent.

[1105] But anyway, my point is when people who yell out shit and they yell out, you know, do this bid, do like Noah's Ark or something like that, man, I fucking forget a lot of them.

[1106] Like if you yelled out Anna Nicole Smith, it's one of my best bits ever.

[1107] But if I go back and try to figure out how to do it now, I'll fuck it up.

[1108] You did Noah's Ark pretty good the other day.

[1109] I saw you pull that out of it.

[1110] It's because I was baked as Jesus.

[1111] I was Jesus on an asteroid.

[1112] Like, I even forgot it.

[1113] I can't believe I remembered it because that was the first time I had done it in years.

[1114] And this guy for it.

[1115] I was like, wow, I don't even know if I can do this, but I did it and closed with it.

[1116] But that's, you know, that was a mistake in Vegas, too, to do a Q &A in front of 2 ,000 fucking people.

[1117] There's just too many people.

[1118] There's too many people yelling shit out.

[1119] If I was going to do something like that, I had to do with microphones, like have like a little line like we did in Columbus when we did the DVD.

[1120] When is UFC coming back to Columbus?

[1121] Are they ever going to come?

[1122] I don't think we are.

[1123] I mean, maybe in the future, but we just did Strike Force, did the last Columbus show.

[1124] The Arnold was just two weeks ago.

[1125] Right.

[1126] Yeah.

[1127] That was always a cool weekend You had the Arnold show Fuck, yeah, it was awesome Yeah, that's where I did my special Yeah, I love Fumny Bones is a good club That's a good club Funny Bones great Yeah, the theater that I did too Was it called again?

[1128] The Southern Theater Yeah The theater that we filmed the special And May West used to perform there And fucking Groucho Marx Wow Oh no, no, no, not Groucho Marx WC Fields WC Fields WC Fields and May West perform there Wow What the fuck, man That's some history That's amazing Imagine trying to be an actor back then how fucking tough it must have been I mean shit there's there's no internet I mean you gotta get picked to do things you gotta get picked the state you know studio has to choose you that's probably there must have been so much chicanery going on back then what's that chicanery um like inappropriate behavior it was different that it was unappropriate I like how you threw out words like like an African sometimes you're like the max of the patient approximation Like an African person?

[1129] He used really huge words sometime.

[1130] I'm like, what?

[1131] Not huge.

[1132] Chicanery is not an even intelligent word.

[1133] That's not an even intelligent word.

[1134] It's a silly word.

[1135] I think it's like a slang term.

[1136] Yeah, but that's way different in the vocabulary than I, but Joey, do you know what that word was?

[1137] No. All I'm trying to say.

[1138] Some words you don't need is run with it.

[1139] I don't remember what the fuck I was trying to say.

[1140] We're trying to say about how hard it was.

[1141] It's so weird because if you talk to people from them, like even, in Hollywood was different then they'd move you out here yeah and you you and you suck everyone's dick and then they give you a script and a loaf of bread they gave you a paycheck every week and you just got to sign different films all those guys that you see from the 60s and 50s that were here they all lived in burbank berbank all those houses that looked the same and shit you remember all those movies about like jfk like they always have those blondes that were with jfk that were like sort of semi -disposable they would always be like hanging around but they never really addressed them.

[1142] Right.

[1143] That's like 90 % of what came to Hollywood.

[1144] People came here, lost, looking to stick.

[1145] Some people stuck.

[1146] The people that did stick, all the other people said, look, they stuck.

[1147] They stuck.

[1148] They're still there.

[1149] They're famous.

[1150] And they get sucked into the system and wind up being one of those little quiet girls in JFK's arm.

[1151] Yeah.

[1152] That still happens today, huh?

[1153] Fuck yeah, it does.

[1154] This is it, man. This is the land of dreams.

[1155] This is the strangest fucking place on earth.

[1156] This is the place where you go to maximize how many people who know who you are.

[1157] What?

[1158] Yeah.

[1159] You can make a living just on that now.

[1160] You got to suck a little dick and do something where people pay attention to you on the internet, like Kim Kardashian.

[1161] But basically, she started out blowing her boyfriend and fucking them on the internet in videos, obviously produced videos, you know, obviously produced.

[1162] Oh, absolutely.

[1163] And then she's fucking huge now.

[1164] She's got perfume at Macy's now.

[1165] She's signing perfume bottles at Macy's.

[1166] bitch got a song.

[1167] I was in Australia and there was a fucking billboard with Kim Kardashian on it in Australia.

[1168] She goes around the world.

[1169] Good for her.

[1170] Yeah, I mean, whatever.

[1171] I mean, she's not...

[1172] She's not...

[1173] She's not...

[1174] She's not American to land opportunity, dog.

[1175] Yeah, what the...

[1176] There's nothing wrong.

[1177] But it's fascinating that this is the spot where all this goes down.

[1178] This is the spot where everybody comes to make something happen.

[1179] Comes to get some attention.

[1180] There's a lot of people that fall through the cracks.

[1181] You know, there's a lot of victims in this fucking town.

[1182] There's a lot of people have calm and gods.

[1183] since you've been here.

[1184] A lot.

[1185] Have you ever gotten Facebook and saying, hey, you're like, ooh, those are creepy messages.

[1186] What the fuck happened to that guy?

[1187] Because I forget about half the people that came back.

[1188] I moved to upstate New York.

[1189] Remember Laslo?

[1190] Remember Lasso?

[1191] Lasso.

[1192] He used to hang out the comedy store all the time, a long time ago.

[1193] Laslo, he moved to Florida.

[1194] Anyway, no, no, no. He's somebody just slipped away.

[1195] We used to talk to him every week.

[1196] Why don't I not remember that guy?

[1197] I don't remember what he looked like, but I remember the name.

[1198] What was the talent coordinator when we first got to the store?

[1199] Scott Day.

[1200] He hits me up.

[1201] He's like in fucking Jerusalem.

[1202] He's walking.

[1203] He's walking through Europe right now.

[1204] And he's, you know how many people have come and gone that had big plans and deals and I got 19 scripts and I met with Pacino last week.

[1205] These motherfuckers are gone, Jack.

[1206] We've seen a lot of that happen, huh?

[1207] I got an email last week on my regular email from some dude and I called him back and I'm like, hey, how you doing?

[1208] He was my first manager.

[1209] Whoa.

[1210] And he was a filthy, his family was filthy rich.

[1211] And he went back to sell real estate.

[1212] He's like, hey, man, I'm just calling you because I'm opening up comedy clubs again.

[1213] What happened to the real estate?

[1214] He goes, the bottom fell out.

[1215] But it's amazing that I forgot all about that fucking dude.

[1216] That was 10 fucking years ago.

[1217] Yeah, some people just decide it's not for them.

[1218] What about the guys that Merskrieff.

[1219] That we were friends with that one day disappeared.

[1220] But we were friends.

[1221] How many friends have we had that gone?

[1222] A lot.

[1223] How many people with talent?

[1224] People that came to the store and said, I got a street.

[1225] script I just sold and you got boom for a year later they're like oh no I'm doing radio in Wisconsin what the fuck you would just sell the script and paramount it's amazing how many people come and go through here and get spit up dude there's so many how about guys with talent how about Mike Ricka huh how about Mike Ricka?

[1226] Mike Ricka when I started out in 1994 Mike Ricka was a funny fucking comic he's still a funny guy when I'm sure I saw when I saw Mike Ricker at the store I remember thinking we were probably around the same age or something And I remember thinking, this fucking guy's going to be huge.

[1227] This guy's funny.

[1228] He's funny.

[1229] He's confident up there.

[1230] He'd already had an article written about him.

[1231] When I went to the store, there was like an article that was framed, like in the lobby, like a little article about Mike Ricka.

[1232] And I think, this guy's going to fucking take off.

[1233] But for whatever fucking reason, the pieces don't fall in the right order, you know?

[1234] It's just amazing.

[1235] It's a weird fucking town.

[1236] Chelsea Handler was up there with us from day one.

[1237] She's going gangbusters now, that crazy.

[1238] bitch.

[1239] Look at her.

[1240] She's got like sitcoms and she's got her own fucking show, like a reality show about her show.

[1241] So she's got her show and then she's got a reality show about her saw.

[1242] Good for her.

[1243] I hope she's the white drunk Oprah.

[1244] That's what I hope.

[1245] Good for her.

[1246] You know who I heard was on that reality show about Chelsea, the girl from Denver, the assistant.

[1247] Oh, really?

[1248] Awesome.

[1249] She's one of the characters.

[1250] Yeah, she's great.

[1251] What's the girl from Denver?

[1252] Remember the assistant that used to always drive us around or the comedy works?

[1253] Yeah, I do remember, but why am I blacking on her name?

[1254] Eve.

[1255] Eve.

[1256] Eva.

[1257] Jesus Christ.

[1258] Yeah, she's awesome.

[1259] She works for Chelsea Handler now.

[1260] Yeah, you know, I'm fucking, I'm always happy when someone figures out a way to make it through the crazy net that, you know, like the salmon ladder or whatever the fuck it is to get to the top, you know?

[1261] I'm always fascinated, you know?

[1262] It's really weird, like the people that I thought were going to be fucking stars.

[1263] How about people like Dane Cook?

[1264] You know, I would have never guessed that Dan Cook would have hit the way he hit.

[1265] No disrespect.

[1266] It just, I mean, I couldn't believe that he, dude, you knew that he was going to get that big?

[1267] I knew it by one conversation we had after he went to the lap stop.

[1268] Really?

[1269] In front of the laugh factory, I said to him, what did you think of the lab stop?

[1270] And he goes, bro, it was good, but it was too much fucking work.

[1271] I got to figure out how to narrow it into one night.

[1272] And I knew right there after that.

[1273] That was a year before he had two.

[1274] Doing a whole month.

[1275] Because that was before a whole weekend.

[1276] Yeah, he was like.

[1277] That's just bullshit.

[1278] Huh.

[1279] That's just garbage.

[1280] So you knew he was going to be that huge, though?

[1281] How could you have predicted that?

[1282] I just had a feeling.

[1283] You just had, all the arrows were pointed at him.

[1284] I didn't know he was in a sell -out manz -squared garden.

[1285] Twice.

[1286] And do a fucking, that, no. You know, he's the first guy that ever figured out how to really connect with people over the internet.

[1287] You know, that guy still, to this day, he's constantly answering emails, constantly connecting with people, uses that say -now thing, gets on that, gets on Twitter.

[1288] That's why there's Twitter.

[1289] That's why there's Facebook for people to connect with these guys.

[1290] guys that's why there's this podcast I mean we started out this podcast Brian and I were just sitting in front of a laptop with fucking snow falling remember we had gay visual effects let's try snowflakes okay let's try rain let's have a spinning apple yeah it's amazing let's go black and red in this economy and what's going on right now you could do stand up you know all the time but you need to open up different doors for yourself and this is where this comes in the podcast and the writings and the books Definitely.

[1291] You know where the podcast really comes in.

[1292] It comes in for everybody else.

[1293] It comes in for all these other people that don't have people like us around them.

[1294] It sounds arrogant.

[1295] But, I mean, there's a lot of people out there that live in shitty neighborhoods and they have dumb friends and they don't have anybody to really connect with where they feel like, you know, these people are also growing along with them.

[1296] Like they're all growing together.

[1297] There's a lot of people that don't have that.

[1298] They just don't, it's not available.

[1299] So this podcast gives them an alternative way to look at things.

[1300] It gives them a way to see how all of us and a our own lives are overcoming adversity and dealing with situations and being honest about ourselves and honest about our friends and honest about life and you know and that inspires an ethic and that inspires other people to be like -minded and that's where it helps it helps everybody it doesn't just help like fill comedy clubs and you know get people to buy your book or get people to come see you in rochester it also helps them you know this shit all helps everybody well i'll tell you what when i really got into this and when i came on your podcast and as you know people are always ask when I'm going to come on your podcast for me bro I've always hated radio if you've noticed on the road I don't show up the radio I don't want to hear that shit I don't want to hear that shit I don't want to hear by you promoting I want to hear by you talking and that's what the podcast Avenue has done for all of us that's why there's people who come here and do well on your podcast and there's people who come up here and want to sell jokes and a date I don't want to sell rock chest I don't want to sell the other place I came up here to open up about what's on my mind today or weekly I don't come here that's why I don't like doing this shit that's why I didn't like we're doing radio So tell us why you don't like flying And I got to go into a joke Like comics unleashed Go fuck you son I want to be me dog I want to talk about the lone shark I owed the fly was going to beat That's what this entails That's why I hate radio That's why I hate going down there With these fucking fake emcees That try to be fun Can you write down what lead ins What's the last time I came here And fucking a lead in Get the fuck out of my face Come in here and talk to us from the heart And that's what a podcast is And you see it And you're a podcast village There's people who come up and they try to force the funny and the podcast don't work and you know force the fucking funny and on the other end of it and the other end of it I get emails and Twitter messages and Facebook messages from some really fucking cool people so interesting people and you get you get something out of it when you connect with them I told you that's nice thing out of it I was in San Diego at moon doggies and the nicest guy in Mike Maxwell Art .com he drew a picture of Charles Bronson for me he sent it to me in the mail this is fucking beautiful with him with his hat and we've become come friends like he shows up to the gigs in San Diego we smoked the bone oh G last night out of the lot and it was just great to connect with somebody I mean listen there's good and bad on Twitter and whatever this people try to be cute and try to insult you but deep down inside especially with the podcast I've always tried to put myself in this way so if you don't like people mugging fucking faggots don't listen to me and don't come to my fucking show this is what I did and this is who I am now let's work it out I'll go fuck yourself and a lot of people like the honesty and they come out and you know what if you come out I always talk you know I don't like smoking dope with everybody because next thing you know you're out of your mind on the way home you smoke 80 joints you can smoke everybody but I like meeting people this is part of this fucking business you know it's interesting the the connection between human beings is becoming you know it's becoming more and more expansive you know it's like you you have like a network of people that you interact with now and you could just develop a really cool network and only be around really cool people for the most part like Twitter overwhelmingly i've got like 280 something thousand people on there now overwhelmingly nice overwhelmingly it's very rare that someone will say something douching me on twitter when they do you just block them it's something you just click a link blink block it's like really simple and then you don't have to deal with that guy anymore and then you're nice to everybody and they're nice to you and you try to fucking you know have a little exchange every day people are sending me cool shit on Twitter every day it's some new fucking thing on the earthquake or new you know video of a tsunami or new, you know, crazy monkey that they found in Liberia or whatever, you know what I mean?

[1301] It's like every day there's some new fascinating shit.

[1302] It's a network unlike any other.

[1303] I've never, there's never been a time where you had so much access to interesting people and information and ideas, never.

[1304] You know, when we were kids and we liked the band, there was none of this.

[1305] We knew them from the album covers and the sleeve of an album.

[1306] And when we paid for their tickets or an interview on television, nobody ever got this personal and this down and dirty with people.

[1307] No, no. And this is why I do these things.

[1308] This is why I come up here with you guys.

[1309] I do the podcast where they're not fake.

[1310] Well, that's why people love you, too.

[1311] I don't want to be a fake comedy guy, dog.

[1312] That's not my bag.

[1313] Fuck that shit.

[1314] We're up here talking about what's in my heart and what's in my...

[1315] By the way, I was thinking of you guys today, not in a sexual way.

[1316] Yeah, you were.

[1317] But this morning, I had to take a nap because I got home late last night.

[1318] I went to the Y this morning.

[1319] I got home like 10.

[1320] I had taken nap when I was in bed.

[1321] I got like erotic, and I wanted to bang one out.

[1322] So I banged one out, but it was on my bed.

[1323] So I couldn't come because then my wife.

[1324] would know that I came on my side of the bed.

[1325] So I'm like, what am I got to wipe this with?

[1326] So I had a sock on.

[1327] I went into, like, pigeon pose.

[1328] And I took the sock off and just because I always hold the top of the egg roll.

[1329] Me too.

[1330] So it doesn't slow.

[1331] Me too.

[1332] He thinks that's crazy.

[1333] He never heard that before.

[1334] I went into pigeon pose.

[1335] I held you hold the top of the turtle neck so it doesn't blow up like a volcano.

[1336] Right.

[1337] And I just came into the sock.

[1338] But then it was fucked up.

[1339] I threw the sock on the floor and I woke up and I went to put it on.

[1340] I'm like my sock wet.

[1341] I had to take a fucking choward shit like a pig.

[1342] Dog, both of you have put on a sock would come on it.

[1343] Don't sit there and go, oh.

[1344] Yeah.

[1345] So you pinch it, too, like at the top and keep it like a little pool, like a kiddie pool?

[1346] I'm uncircumcised.

[1347] Oh, you're uncircumcised?

[1348] Yes, it looks like a bone for a sick.

[1349] Oh, all right.

[1350] It just loads up, and I just go, bloop.

[1351] And it's like a you're Spider -Man only.

[1352] You didn't know.

[1353] He's just been talking about being uncircumcised for a decade.

[1354] I try to forget.

[1355] I try to forget.

[1356] It's like, spoiler alert.

[1357] Spoiler alert.

[1358] Disgusting people.

[1359] Why?

[1360] Have you ever thought about maybe getting it now?

[1361] What?

[1362] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1363] Yeah, that's what I want to do with the stage now.

[1364] I'm thinking about it now.

[1365] I'm getting my dick cut at 50.

[1366] The fuck is wrong with you, Brian.

[1367] Actually, at this point, who gives a fuck?

[1368] It's supposed to feel better.

[1369] When you have the skin over it.

[1370] It's fucking feels great.

[1371] If I had a boy, bro, I would absolutely not have them cut.

[1372] Fuck that.

[1373] Have you ever talked to girls about that?

[1374] Most girls think it's disgusting.

[1375] Well, fuck them.

[1376] Tough shit.

[1377] Crazy bitches.

[1378] They're all crazy bitches.

[1379] You're better off without them.

[1380] When my dick is swollen, listen, they're not going to see my dick when it's dead.

[1381] They're going to see it in full of facts.

[1382] and he just pulled the skin back and all they see is the helmet anyway Can you like tie it in a knot or anything feel like that might try?

[1383] There was a girl that used to fuck I forget her name but she used to hang out with one of the girls at the comedy store and she was having a dilemma because she was dating a guy that for the first time was uncircumcised and she didn't like the way it fell in her mouth she was drinking and she was telling everybody I really like them but just don't it feels like like skin in my mouth it probably feels like those like little rubber things meant of those things that you try to hold but you can't hold it.

[1384] It's like a little rubber thing filled with water.

[1385] It's like a toy.

[1386] Brian.

[1387] If you would have known what it was.

[1388] So you really would cut your dick just so girls would like it.

[1389] Like what if you were unscumcised?

[1390] I think it's fucking just gross looking.

[1391] I think it's dirty.

[1392] I think it's...

[1393] How's it dirty?

[1394] It looks like a dick with a condom on.

[1395] If your dick is cleaner, it's not.

[1396] Wash it.

[1397] What the fuck you're talking about?

[1398] There's more...

[1399] You have more disease when you have that.

[1400] Oh, no. No, that's some propaganda to use in Africa You have a filthy motherfucking If you fuck a chicken and watch a baby It looks like an elephant shrunk You know what that's what that song Evil Boy's about Yeah Evil Boys about They want to Like there's a tradition And they come a man They go and circumcise them With a fucking rusty knife out in the woods Wow That's why he was like You know My dick's only for penis My penis brother is only for girls It's not for men You know What's this?

[1401] Evil boy He's circumcised though D Antward It's a It's a great fucking song you know put put put it up pull it up no i don't want to hear that shit right now let's do no you don't want to hear it it's good it's good goddamn song but it's about the traditions of cutting people's skins off their dick it's ridiculous it's stupid did you notice like throughout that song there's a lot of references to south park what cow's mom's a big fat bitch is that what is that what is that who it is yeah it's kyle's mom kyle's mom's a big fat bitch because that's what um pat park cartman would say yeah wow i didn't think I didn't even realize that I thought she was talking about someone she knew That's what I thought too But it's a South Park thing Wow See look at that Kids growing up in South Africa Getting some South Park influence Yeah It's weird That is funny though Yeah South Park just get the most Reach ever There's never been a show like that before It's been on for this many years It's still good Do you ever watch it?

[1402] Joey It's for strong I watch it but I'm an adult Part shoes That's a sweet You like family guy I like family guy from time to time But I won't sit there What the fuck is wrong with you You like family guy but you won't watch South Park I don't want to mom It's not that I like it It's not that I watch it if I got 10 minutes Did you see Team America?

[1403] No You didn't see Team America I'm a bro I wish I could do that I wish we could do that Erase movies Through your head So you could rewatch it again Yeah Wow My mom died when I was 14 I became a man I was no fucking games dog I didn't even play I played Monopoly Two weeks ago We're talking to You guys smokes pot all day and plays with his cat.

[1404] Listen, though.

[1405] He's talking about like he's a Navy SEAL out there with a knife in his mouth, crawling through the desert.

[1406] I've never played games.

[1407] I don't even know how to play fucking cards, okay?

[1408] I don't have that time, that luxury.

[1409] You can play pool.

[1410] I like me. Because I know my mom's bar, and I was there.

[1411] That's how I babysat myself by playing pool, but I've never been a cartoon guy.

[1412] I like Popeye, dog.

[1413] Once you're 18, you know, we grow up eventually, and, you know, you move on.

[1414] It's cute.

[1415] He, ha, ha, but you got to go out there.

[1416] It's a fucking man's world like James Brown said.

[1417] You know what I'm saying, Doug?

[1418] That's why I'm happy about going to New York in the next four days.

[1419] I'm going to hang out with men for a couple of fucking days.

[1420] Tim, you guys are going to be on the East Coast, and I'm going to die on the West Coast alone.

[1421] There ain't no fucking Twitters.

[1422] There ain't none of that shit.

[1423] I'm going to go hang out with my buddies.

[1424] They're up with a couple days, though.

[1425] To a different place over there.

[1426] You know, you really realize it once you lived here for a few years and, you know, after a while you get comfortable with wherever the fuck you are.

[1427] But there's a different thing over there.

[1428] There's just as many douchebags over here.

[1429] Oh, yeah.

[1430] But they pretend to be nicer over here.

[1431] Listen, bro, I got my people that I've known since I was.

[1432] a fucking kid that was in trouble.

[1433] Those are still people I hang out with 40 years later.

[1434] I trust those people.

[1435] What do you think it is, though, about people over there where there's, you know, everybody always uses the cliche, oh, they're real.

[1436] People on these coast are real.

[1437] What is that?

[1438] Is the weather?

[1439] The weather make them do that?

[1440] What is it?

[1441] People are real and fake fucking everywhere.

[1442] Right.

[1443] I got fake motherfucking friends here.

[1444] Sure.

[1445] And I got motherfuckers who get stabbed for me here to.

[1446] And I got the same back home.

[1447] Right, but do you, don't you think the high percentage is higher in New York of real people?

[1448] Because I do.

[1449] Real people?

[1450] Yeah.

[1451] I think there's more.

[1452] real people in the East Coast than they're right here.

[1453] I think there's a lot of silly fucks out here.

[1454] I think the fucking goofy fucks come out here from the East Coast.

[1455] There's a lot of that.

[1456] These are the creative artsy people.

[1457] Yeah, but I mean there's a lot of real people here too.

[1458] I'm saying it's not like it's a generalization.

[1459] It's not like it's like one side is really, and people always try to play that car.

[1460] East Coast is real, West Coast is fake.

[1461] No, there's plenty of real people in the West Coast too, but I think the percentage out here.

[1462] There's tons of little cunts in Manhattan.

[1463] Oh yeah, of course.

[1464] It's just like the sunset bullshit.

[1465] Little young drinking water drinking five hour energy like there's still dudes living in jersey this i know what you're saying yeah i don't want this still i think long ireland i think if you add it all up there's still more real no no no you know this i don't know the suburbs is a ton of shit hey dog i grew up my buddies i love my buddies they were there for me when i needed them the most and they're still fucking there you follow me i'm going home for five days to smoke some dope i already flew it over there it's flown already they got a ounce of earthquake and an ounce of fucking moon rocks over there And I'm taking a sour diesel with me. I got a Sativa now at the fucking N -O -C.

[1466] They got a sour diesel that's so fucking strong, so I'm just going back to smoke dope.

[1467] Are you worried at all about all this shit that's happening?

[1468] Are you worried at all about all these fucking people in the Middle East?

[1469] They're trying to overthrow their government, all these different countries that have fighting off of vaults, fucking earthquakes.

[1470] This is what 2012 is.

[1471] Is it real?

[1472] The end of the world is not coming.

[1473] 2012 is this is all this shit's going to go.

[1474] somewhere this radiation is gonna leak where these people gonna fucking go what's this is all about adjustment what's our next fucking move now at the 212 we might not be able to drink the water ever again there's something something's got that gonna work you know we might not what's gonna happen there we're gonna have to all drink bottled water and half of the ocean is contaminated with the oil yeah you take a shower japan you should do you should just have a room where you just get a couple extra bottles like arrowhead every week you know and just yeah maybe but dude if there's you know if If something really bad happens, you've got to get the fuck out of here.

[1475] You know, that's the reality.

[1476] The reality is California is massively overpopulated, and everyone is playing musical chairs, and everyone is hoping that that fucking music doesn't stop on their watch.

[1477] They're hoping that somehow or another, they're, you know, safely in the backyard, not near any trees when the shit hits the fan.

[1478] Right.

[1479] You know, just taking a guess, just hoping, well, nothing's happened since 94.

[1480] Yeah, but if you look over the course of human history, 94 is a blink of an eye.

[1481] If you look over the course of the history of the world, it's not even that.

[1482] that there's there's a lot of shit that's going to happen to this place this did not was not shaped like this when you look out the window and you see those mountains those didn't just they weren't like made with a mold all right that's the lava and the fucking ground moving and tectonic plate shifting and you know there's there's a reason why it's 12 ,000 fucking feet above sea level that shit rocketed you know and over the course of who knows how long it changes and we know that the entire earth supposedly had one content that's the whole pangia theme that there was one continent and they split up because of all sorts of different events and became Africa and North America and some shit's happening.

[1483] We just got threw off a rotation a little bit from that last earthquake, so what the fuck's that going to happen?

[1484] Japan moved eight feet.

[1485] Yeah, the shore moved eight feet.

[1486] Dude, there's a divide somewhere out there.

[1487] They said that's 270 miles long and 50 miles wide where the actual epicenter of the earthquake was.

[1488] Wow.

[1489] Like what happened was beyond our comprehension and yet still nothing in comparison to shit that's happened before.

[1490] You know, they still don't know what the fuck stopped the ice age.

[1491] You know, the ice age was just 10 ,000 years ago, which is nothing.

[1492] 10 ,000 years ago, most of North America was under a mile high sheet of ice.

[1493] Wrap your fucking head around that.

[1494] Canada, ice.

[1495] All the fucking North Dakota, South, that shit was a mile high of ice.

[1496] Woolly mammoths were running around.

[1497] Sabreto tigers and shit.

[1498] It was a totally different world.

[1499] Just 10 ,000 years.

[1500] years ago.

[1501] What?

[1502] That ain't global warming because of humans.

[1503] You know, what, what caused that?

[1504] What caused that radical change in the atmosphere?

[1505] They don't know.

[1506] What if it just keeps on getting hotter and hotter and it turns into a sun and like the sun was like the last earth?

[1507] That's stupid.

[1508] They know more than that.

[1509] You know, he's just, this is like shit that you would say when you were 14 before you even went to any science classes.

[1510] What if the earth comes like a person?

[1511] What if the, hey, stop polluting my water, man. to tell you that the earth the next one is either here or Seattle New Oregon yeah fucking genius to tell you that yeah you know this whole this whole west coast all we could do is pray or Vancouver it could be Vancouver you're gonna make sure that shit hooks up let's see if you got an app for your fucking earthquake whoa they do have that they do have great apps for earthquake apps yeah as you can tell you where the earthquakes are great maps it has notification what's gonna be here like 10 minutes before call me all right because that's the fucking app I mean.

[1512] Well, you just need to get a dog.

[1513] You just need to get a dog and sit really close to him.

[1514] And see if he digs the fucking trench, yeah.

[1515] Ultimately, what can we do, though?

[1516] What can we do?

[1517] Do we escape?

[1518] Do we live like survivalists and move to the fucking Mojave and, you know, buy space in one of those underground bunkers that you can, you know.

[1519] You want to probably go to the middle of the country.

[1520] Do you know?

[1521] North Texas, Austin, Texas.

[1522] Well, what if that's where the fucking asteroid hits?

[1523] Yeah.

[1524] Well, one thing about Texas is you know they're going to go down swinging.

[1525] Yeah.

[1526] I'm going to go down swinging.

[1527] And it's the average.

[1528] Right, this, that, this, that, the Mexicans, we're going down to swim.

[1529] Well, I like Texas, and I like Austin.

[1530] I would totally be down with Texas.

[1531] If they could just do something about their fucking weed laws, their weed laws are so ridiculous.

[1532] It's easy to get weed.

[1533] You don't get the same weed.

[1534] I have friends in Austin.

[1535] Nowadays you do.

[1536] No, you don't.

[1537] You can't get setivas, bro.

[1538] Not the shit.

[1539] Why couldn't they grow?

[1540] Why do you don't think people grow sativas?

[1541] Because it ain't easy, bro.

[1542] It ain't easy, and it's not the same yield.

[1543] Like, the reason why people grow.

[1544] Sativas is because there's a bunch of people here are connoisseurs and that's what they want and the people that are growing it want it.

[1545] But the people that are just looking to make money, it takes more time to grow Sativas than it does indica.

[1546] And they have to be grown indoors.

[1547] You can't grow them outdoors here.

[1548] Yeah, I know, but there's weed snobs in Texas.

[1549] I'm sure there are, dude, but it ain't that easy to find.

[1550] But can I get up at 7th in the morning and go buy a bag of dope an attorney and a construction work?

[1551] I need a bagel.

[1552] That's the question.

[1553] Hey.

[1554] You know what?

[1555] As long as nobody else has this, I'm going to wait out of me. Just buy more weed.

[1556] No, I'm going to wait.

[1557] No, you're wrong.

[1558] Brian because you've got to deal with drug dealers you got to deal with people that are willing to go to jail because they're selling weed and that's the reality of the situation 99 % of the last 30 years but it's okay it's okay I never had a problem right yeah but it ain't as good as what we got now you know if you want to live in Texas you can live in Texas yeah I think it's fine you get now I mean you know yeah you could figure out a way to get to care less about where the fuck I lived to control of weed I'm talking yeah you you know what you do you hire some kid who's like a uh a fucking buy a big house and grow a couple plants.

[1559] You hire some kid who's like a PA on a set.

[1560] He'll listen, buddy, you want to make a quick thousand bucks and you give him $5 ,000 with a weed.

[1561] You take him to his body and you put him on a Greyhound bus.

[1562] I mean, I used to grow in my closet in Ohio, you know, and it fucking was great.

[1563] It was awesome weed.

[1564] I've always been, awesome seeds.

[1565] I've always been a real motherfucking head since day one, guys.

[1566] So the people I ran with were real heads and we attract each other.

[1567] When I live in Colorado, that's some of the wildest fucking weed I got in Aspen in that high altitude in Boulder.

[1568] But the people I ran with, with wear heads.

[1569] People who understand that concept.

[1570] Yeah, like -minded people will find like -minded people.

[1571] Like, when I find people, I can tell when somebody a professional, I can tell a fucking amateur.

[1572] And when you run into a fucking professional pot smoker, just a look is as good as a wink through a blind horse.

[1573] They just give you that look.

[1574] A real weed guy will pull you over like I did with that dude.

[1575] I didn't know this motherfucker.

[1576] I didn't know him, but that's a nigger that I fucking app.

[1577] I said to him, you look like, this man looked at me like I was a fucking genie.

[1578] He's like, how'd you know, I left it on the dresser?

[1579] Right there, I went in my pocket game of but of weed.

[1580] A professional...

[1581] Brian would say, did you take this out of your balls?

[1582] Oh, my God.

[1583] He's a professional.

[1584] Whoa, come on.

[1585] I'm going to put this in a fucking pipe.

[1586] That's the true.

[1587] You'd say, I can't believe it came out of your ball.

[1588] No, dog.

[1589] A professional pot smoker?

[1590] Oh, look at that butt in Ohio and go, you're a bad motherfucker, dog.

[1591] Thank you.

[1592] Wow.

[1593] We don't think of a weed.

[1594] I got news for you, Joey.

[1595] I don't think I'm a professional pot smoker.

[1596] This is 30 years, though.

[1597] This is 30 years.

[1598] I got news for you.

[1599] If you pulled the butt out of your butt out of your butt.

[1600] I've been like, no, I'll be home in five hours.

[1601] You smoked weed for me before that was in my nuts.

[1602] And so have you.

[1603] Big fucking deal.

[1604] That's a professional, though.

[1605] I don't play that stupid nonsense shit about it.

[1606] I can't deny it.

[1607] Could you really, though, imagine Joey coming up to you and go, hey guys, I got some weight in my balls.

[1608] Do you want it?

[1609] I don't say that, dude.

[1610] When you're at that fucking airport and you're waiting out of line, go outside and get some air.

[1611] And you're a professional and you left your weed at home.

[1612] And you've been waiting for fucking three hours.

[1613] And all of a sudden, trust me, bro.

[1614] A professional weed.

[1615] A lot of people.

[1616] Never let you leave their house without weed.

[1617] There's things professionals do, dog, that they know.

[1618] You call a professional two in the morning and go, dog, I can't sleep.

[1619] They'll say, come over here and get high with you.

[1620] They will not answer the fucking phone.

[1621] Professional is a different guy.

[1622] Do you take days off?

[1623] Yeah, every once in a while.

[1624] Like Sundays or a Saturday, I'll take it off.

[1625] Take the whole day off.

[1626] How do you feel when you're sober?

[1627] Like a fucking moron.

[1628] Like a fucking idiot.

[1629] I can't focus.

[1630] I'm walking around confused.

[1631] No, I got to be honest.

[1632] It's kind of nice to take a couple days off.

[1633] Yeah?

[1634] It's kind of nice.

[1635] I take many days off in a row.

[1636] But I still like getting high at night, like sometimes at night just to sizzle it.

[1637] You know when I don't take off when I'm writing?

[1638] I don't write high every time.

[1639] You got to write high because I get goofy.

[1640] I get goofy.

[1641] Well, I don't.

[1642] I mean, I do write high.

[1643] I mean, I do write sober sometimes, especially when I wake up in the morning.

[1644] A lot of times I do revisions on things and I like to review it from a bunch of different states.

[1645] But when I write high, man, it's like there's a symphony playing in my mind.

[1646] You know, it's like there's music.

[1647] then music comes through these words and there's like lights and and fucking there's dancing going on in my head when i'm high there's a lot of shit happening when i'm sober i'm like slowly piecing it together it's like the difference between typing with your fingers when you don't know how to type when you're just using your index finger and you're going t h it's and when you can type when you don't even have to look you know like right now i can type i don't have to look at the keys i know how to type especially if i get loose and i get relaxed it's that much of a difference it's like it flows it's It's like it connects you to whatever the fuck it is.

[1648] Whatever it is that makes you creative, it connects you to it better.

[1649] It's fine.

[1650] When I write comedy, I like to be stoned.

[1651] When I write the one -man show, I like to be a little on the straight side.

[1652] Really?

[1653] Are you still writing?

[1654] You did that a bunch of times.

[1655] No, no, this is complete.

[1656] This is the real deal.

[1657] This is from the time I came from Cuba to me finally.

[1658] This is a new one that you're doing.

[1659] I'm doing the workshop April 20.

[1660] Where at?

[1661] I'm doing in North Hollywood.

[1662] I got a producer to put some money up and do it like in Hollywood nights.

[1663] I'm going to really rough down.

[1664] April 20th, huh?

[1665] Yeah, it's a Thursday night.

[1666] And where's it at again?

[1667] Say it where it's a...

[1668] It's, I'm going to do that at this theater in Lancashire.

[1669] Just for 40 people, you know, just to get the writing down and have people make notes and say, Joey, I like this.

[1670] But I didn't like this, you know.

[1671] April 20th.

[1672] Is that what you said?

[1673] It's a Thursday night, I think.

[1674] Or 20, baby.

[1675] It's a Wednesday night.

[1676] No, it's the 21st.

[1677] 21st.

[1678] Yeah, Thursday night.

[1679] Yeah.

[1680] Okay.

[1681] Well, I'm going to go, though.

[1682] You know, it's really weird when...

[1683] And that's what I do.

[1684] When I'm having a hard time writing comedy, I read.

[1685] write the one -man show and I get myself in a different state like it says.

[1686] The one -man show is a little sadder.

[1687] It's about my, you know what I'm saying?

[1688] It's about what was going up as a kid.

[1689] So you try to find the humor in it and sometimes it's pretty fucking cool.

[1690] Dude, there's another quake that just hit chili.

[1691] There you go, bitches.

[1692] What number?

[1693] San Diego and Santiago Chile.

[1694] What number?

[1695] I don't know.

[1696] I don't know.

[1697] And I got a thing yesterday that said that some guy predicted from some weather thing that it was going to either be on the 16th or the 17th.

[1698] There's going to be another earthquake so he was money he was fucking money said another earthquake was definitely gonna happen on the 16th today's the motherfucking 16th this fucking this thing in japan with this nuclear reactor is freaking me out you know and here's what's freaking me out that matter they didn't know what to do if the power went off they had like eight hours of backup and then they it starts a meltdown because they can't cool the rods so they're pumping ocean water onto the to try to cool them off.

[1699] I can't believe that this is how they design these things.

[1700] You're living in a place where earthquakes happen all the time.

[1701] Now if an earthquake happens and the power goes out and something goes wrong, you can't, you don't have a way to cool this fucking thing?

[1702] Isn't the ocean water work though?

[1703] No, not really.

[1704] I mean, it's doing okay.

[1705] It's keeping it from fucking exploding and blowing a hole through the earth.

[1706] What they're doing right now is real dangerous because all this shit is going to get into the atmosphere.

[1707] All this radiation, they can't really contain.

[1708] Right.

[1709] I mean, unless they're going to figure out a way to drop some sort of a gigantic dome over the whole area and seal it off, you know, a giant lead dome.

[1710] How the fuck are they going to stop this radiation from getting out into the atmosphere?

[1711] What's the worst thing that?

[1712] What's the worst case scenario?

[1713] I don't know.

[1714] They're talking about this.

[1715] See, they tried to downplay it at first, saying that it's going to be fine.

[1716] But now, on CNN, there's a new official report.

[1717] This guy says that spent fuel rods are exposed and it's heightened concerns.

[1718] So spent fuel rods in uniform of Japan's stricken Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant have been exposed resulting in the emission of extremely high levels of radiation.

[1719] The head of the New York, wow, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission set on Wednesday.

[1720] This is fucking dangerous shit, man. And what's scary is we have these things all over the place.

[1721] There's like 150 of these in this country.

[1722] You know?

[1723] Maybe it will morph, like, get into the human, I don't know, like, do you see the map of the radiation?

[1724] Like it's going to hit California I don't know if that's legit Is that legit?

[1725] I don't know It's not going to hit California Oh well how do you know Far away the same way is that map real?

[1726] Really?

[1727] I don't know I don't know what I don't know how it carries Now what direction is like You know what's sad about Japan That they have that That place called Okonawa Where it's beautiful And it's the place in the earth Where the people live the longest They live to like They're 100 and something That's where that coral calcium fad came from Right They don't think if it's the fish They don't know if it's the island you know and it just kills me that that's the end of that fucking party because uh that's it that's all going to be contaminated right the radiation's gonna make uh yeah what is gonna happen i mean that's the crazy thing about nuclear power is like yeah it works great you know and it's better than coal because coal totally fucks up the atmosphere and creates greenhouse gases and all that shit but man when nuclear goes bad it fucking really goes bad i mean this is the idea behind it is so crazy You know, what nuclear power is, I mean, you're harnessing, like, the very power that, like, the very thing that makes suns.

[1728] The very power of the suns is, it's all atomic, you know, it's like, there's, that's, you're dealing with shit that we don't totally have control over yet.

[1729] We have control over it for periods of time.

[1730] But the bottom line about nuclear power is, no matter what you do, you got nuclear waste, and you've got nuclear waste that's going to be around forever.

[1731] And you've got to figure out a place to put it.

[1732] You know, I mean, that's like what they do in Nevada, like, there's always, like, disputes and debates about where to put this shit.

[1733] And it's one of the reasons why Nevada got gambling, why Nevada was allowed to have casinos.

[1734] They let them blow bombs off in the fucking desert.

[1735] Shit.

[1736] Let's move.

[1737] Here's the thing, man. Move to where?

[1738] When you get a bunch of million people, like we have in L .A., 20 million people, well, fuck, man. How are you going to power everything?

[1739] You got a lot of refrigerators going on, man. You got a lot of gas machines, pumping gas.

[1740] You got a lot of trucks that'd have to drop off that gas.

[1741] You had a lot of shit happening, man. Imagine people start leaving here if something bad does happen.

[1742] The 170, the 4 -0.

[1743] Oh, my God.

[1744] Oh, my God.

[1745] It's impossible.

[1746] Bro.

[1747] We would all have to just walk out of here.

[1748] It would take days of bumper -to -bumper traffic to clear out L .A., days and days and days.

[1749] No gas would work.

[1750] No one would be able to go far.

[1751] We'd all get stuck in the desert and die.

[1752] Cars would be broken down.

[1753] People would be screaming.

[1754] Let me in your car.

[1755] Let me in your car.

[1756] It'd be some zombie shit, bro.

[1757] Yeah.

[1758] It would be some zombie shit.

[1759] Road war.

[1760] you shit.

[1761] Thank God.

[1762] It's really possible man. It's really possible.

[1763] Our society is incredibly fragile and we're starting to see it.

[1764] It's like this seems like a weird thing that's happening because like every day things just keep getting we're getting weirder and weirder.

[1765] It really does seem like we're in a movie now.

[1766] Like this Charlie Sheen thing happens and even the Kim Kardashian thing and it's all seemed so surreal and then as all this is going on, earthquake in Chile, earthquake in New Zealand floods in Australia and it's just constantly happening.

[1767] A million people die and the fish die.

[1768] Where's his piss test at?

[1769] That's been missing.

[1770] Nobody can find that Diago Silver fucking piss test.

[1771] That earthquake in Chile is only a 5 .3.

[1772] That's a earthquake.

[1773] It's still an earthquake.

[1774] Yeah, but if there's earthquakes every day, I'm a earthquake map free.

[1775] Somewhere along the line.

[1776] 5 .3 ain't nothing.

[1777] I'm scared.

[1778] So Joey Diaz is going to be in New York this weekend for No, but what we were saying?

[1779] There's a big difference.

[1780] Tell them what you were saying the idea about Northridge.

[1781] That the 5 .4, what's the difference between the 5 .4?

[1782] Every point.

[1783] is 100 % stronger than the preceding point.

[1784] So a 5 .1 is 100 % stronger than a 5 .0.

[1785] That is crazy.

[1786] Now, the crazy one is the one in Alaska, apparently, that happened in the 60s, I think it was.

[1787] I think it was 65.

[1788] It was a 9 .2.

[1789] Wow.

[1790] So a 9 .1, 100 % stronger than the one in Japan, and it's 100 % stronger than that.

[1791] Wow.

[1792] God damn, son.

[1793] Let me ask you something.

[1794] 9 .2 for 4 .000.

[1795] fucking minutes that shit rock apparently you could feel it in San Francisco that's crazy if right now would have to happen in Japan if you were home tonight right at a 5 .3 earthquake you think it's the end just when your thing starts shaking I just drop like fucking I just get to my hands and knees and saying prayer oh I get the fuck out of my house I run right out of the front door think about those people in Chile what they were thinking 5 point this is the beginning of the end again they just got hit a year and a half ago not even again and you know guys the reality is that this is not the big concern This is one small minor thing That you can avoid by not living on a fault line The real concern is super volcanoes and asteroids Those are the real concerns Because there's hundreds of thousands of rocks out there In space that can fuck up everything And they're flying around And every now and then they collide with one another And one of them gets hurled towards Earth And it slams in and that's a rap That's a rap for this life That's a wrap for this generation That's a wrap for this developmental cycle Of biological matter it's all going to have to regroup you're going to have like nothing but rats you know rats will survive a few mice and rats are going to be picking off decaying flesh and surviving on cannibalism until they slowly evolve over billions and billions of years and that's why you want to live in new york or washington dc or L .A. because the asteroid if that really hit one of those places that would be too cheesy you know and actually I wouldn't hit L .A. because it's too cheesy because that's what you would expect it to do that so what where would you have one even one that like the one that like the one in Nevada where you can go visit that crater.

[1796] You know, that crater was, you know, that wasn't that long ago.

[1797] It was, you know, I think it was like 100 ,000 years ago or 80 ,000 years ago.

[1798] When that fucking thing hit, man, it probably killed everything within miles and miles.

[1799] You know, it's a half a mile long the crater, I think, or a mile maybe.

[1800] Whatever the fuck it is.

[1801] I mean, that thing must have killed so many fucking people or so many things, whatever was near it.

[1802] And when you think about something like that landing right in the middle of L .A., like right in the middle of downtown.

[1803] That's crazy.

[1804] Just a half a mile wide crater right where downtown L .A. used to be.

[1805] Nothing's there.

[1806] Boom.

[1807] Just a bowl.

[1808] A bowl and everything out from, we're all dead.

[1809] We're dead right out here, for sure.

[1810] We're dead.

[1811] 30 miles away, whatever it is.

[1812] Hundreds of miles away, you're probably dead.

[1813] People out in Pasadena dead.

[1814] People out in Pittsfield.

[1815] Dead, dead.

[1816] You're dead.

[1817] You're too far away.

[1818] I mean, you can't get too far away.

[1819] I mean, probably in San Francisco, people would be dead.

[1820] 400 miles.

[1821] Probably be dead.

[1822] You know, and this happens all the time.

[1823] It happens all the time You know what the saddest thing was yesterday My wife said to me Joe if something ever happened It would take me three hours to walk home From work Wow 14 miles It's true Take you forever Just for her to say that to me I was like She got to think about shit like that Is that how you're thinking It's her to bring a pair of rollers Right and the problem is three hours If she gets off work at six Then you're dealing with creepy shit at night You know you're walking home at night And who knows what the fuck is happening By the time these three hours are up Where total chaos is set in I asked her what would you do would you walk on and she goes I would just stay right on the fucking highway right on the 101 or something I don't know these concerns didn't even enter into people's heads just weeks ago to just this fucking earthquake just weeks ago weeks ago people were like immune to it all you know now it's like slowly letting us know it's on its way stupid yeah I was a I was in uh whatever the magic club the other you know wherever what's that company imagine yeah and Hermosa beach just going to Hermosa was kind of like kind of weird because I just got done watching all this Japan shit and then being by the ocean just kind of like yeah that's the stuff people died in California bro people died in the tsunami they get sucked into the water there's a bunch of there was a photographer that was taking pictures in front of a crowd of people and just got sucked in northern California sucked right off the beach man wow it fucked up and they just they were all screaming for him these guys just drowned see yeah they pull it out you know I mean when when that tide comes in you know I mean you just see some of those waves it's been incredible they did a lot of damage in marina del Rey A lot of damage in docks Yeah I mean the tide went really high You know Especially in northern California Apparently that's where it really hit But this poor fuck was taking pictures In front of a bunch of people Now last week supposedly before the earthquake A bunch of fish were dead Yeah, redondo I read something two days ago Still stinks over there man Yeah it still stinks They said that Mesa stunk man Amosa stunk really bad Yeah it smelled weird It smelled like weird Yeah it smelled like really old dead shit Because there was a million and dead fish.

[1824] Do you think it had something to do with your earthquake?

[1825] I don't know.

[1826] What the fuck it had to do with?

[1827] Well, they said that they died because of the lack of oxygen and then they said that there's some sort of a toxin in the water.

[1828] So they were poisoned by something.

[1829] So they don't know exactly.

[1830] They haven't get the full results of what happened.

[1831] But what's really spooky is the same thing is happening in Mexico.

[1832] In Acapulco, there's photos of all these fish that are on the surface of the water.

[1833] It's the same type of fish.

[1834] It's all sardines and some mackerel.

[1835] And there's millions of them and they're on the surface of the fucking water.

[1836] And they can't figure out why.

[1837] But people are driving up in boats and they're scooping up these fish in buckets, and the fish can't go anywhere.

[1838] They're literally stuck to the surface of the water.

[1839] Like, they don't know what they're trying to do.

[1840] If there's no oxygen, they're trying to, like, snap at the air to get oxygen into their body somehow.

[1841] No one knows exactly why they're at the surface of the water.

[1842] It's a total mystery.

[1843] But people are just scooping them up in buckets.

[1844] So this is basically sort of similar to what happened in Redondo.

[1845] Something is happening to giant schools of fish, and they don't know why.

[1846] And they're thinking that, you know, in the Redondo, like I said, they think it's some sort of a poison.

[1847] don't have any idea why or what?

[1848] It's probably some kind of weird terrorist act thing.

[1849] Could you imagine it was some crazy Christian motherfucker?

[1850] One of these May 21st assholes.

[1851] Absolutely.

[1852] I'll poison the water just to get their attention.

[1853] It's probably some retard.

[1854] I'll show them the Lord is very mysterious.

[1855] Crazy assholes.

[1856] These billboards all over town are so nuts.

[1857] Have you seen these, Joey?

[1858] The God is coming, May 21st?

[1859] You motherfucker.

[1860] Why May 21st?

[1861] I can't figure out why May 21st.

[1862] He knows.

[1863] The idea behind it is so ridiculous.

[1864] ridiculous.

[1865] The idea behind the, first of all, that you could predict the fucking day, you know, come on.

[1866] And then the day is in what?

[1867] Is it in the Bible?

[1868] Is that where you get in this day from?

[1869] I've never heard that before.

[1870] And not only that, even if it wasn't the Bible, the Bible is just a translation of ancient Hebrew, which nobody really totally understands.

[1871] Ancient Hebrew, to this day, they don't know all the words.

[1872] And the letters double as numbers, you know, like there's no numbers in Hebrew.

[1873] So the letter A is also the number one.

[1874] So when you translate that shit to Latin and you translate it to to greek and then to english who knows what the fuck it really said in the first part you're not going to get may 21st out of it dude you know and even if it did you really think they were right i mean you really believe it all is it is it a religious thing at all or is it like he's just going to be a crackpot but this motherfucker's buying billboards everywhere you know he's buying billboards everywhere he's got financing yeah how does he get this money there's a lot of money and retards there's dudes retards are everywhere and they want to believe i mean look we're friends with Alex Alex Jones is a nice guy I like Alex a lot but there's a lot of people that follow Alex that might as well be following this guy you know what I'm saying I mean they just they just picked something to get obsessed with whether it's the Mayan calendar in 2012 or it's fucking the Jesus apocalypse or whether it's UFOs it's all the same mentality to get these motherfuckers obsessed with these things but what got you off the Mayan calendar well it was never on it I'm not attached or married I try not to be at least to almost everything that I think.

[1875] Everything that I believe about everything.

[1876] I'm open to reinterpretation at all times.

[1877] And the thing about the Mayan calendar is, I think what the Mayans did, and I got this mostly from going to Chichen Itza and talking to this guy, was a professor, who was our guide, who was really an interesting guy.

[1878] And we talked this guy for hours.

[1879] He gave us a tour for like five hours.

[1880] And he was like, he loved.

[1881] Yeah, and he loved the fact that I knew so much about the Mayan civilization.

[1882] So he was an individual guy like you hire him you know for the for the tour so he was like really into it because the guy loved the culture man he was really obsessed with it and obsessed with the fact that there's this incredible society that basically just vanished I mean these guys created some incredible works of of architecture these incredible designs incredibly intricate calendars and really these psychedelic languages of images and shit like that I mean they're the way they they form sentences and it was very fascinating stuff and then on top of that there was all this evidence of a massive deterioration of their society like as human sacrifice and you know and that kind of shit like what all what caused all this man it's all fucking fascinating thing but i was never i never believed that they had it wired that they knew that December 21st 2012 the end of the cycle they don't even think that it's the end of the world they know in the myon calendars that say the world ends December 21st what it is is the end of the long count and it's just another sequence of events it's like it ushers in a new cycle what that means who knows.

[1883] It could be a new consciousness.

[1884] It could be an astrological or an astronomical cycle where, you know, something in the cosmos aligns in a different way.

[1885] I mean, we know when the moon is closer to us or the moon is further away, it reacts.

[1886] It changes the tides.

[1887] It does things.

[1888] You know, if there's some other astronomical body that, or a cosmic body, that when it lines up with us, its gravity affects us in a certain way.

[1889] And it changes some certain things about people or ushers in some new understanding or new appreciation or some new sort of a a natural disaster that makes us sort of rethink the way we communicate, whether it's with cell towers or whether it's with satellites, you know, these satellites get burnt out, so we have to figure out a way to reinvent the whole idea of mass communication.

[1890] That's all possible.

[1891] It could be the reasons why these things, what's thought of, that a new age is coming, you know, and that the Mayans predicted it because they predicted there would be a new atmosphere on Earth.

[1892] That would be, maybe it's, you know, as simple as the polar ice cap shift, and it causes all sorts of fucking havoc and chaos.

[1893] It could be solar storms.

[1894] It could easily be that.

[1895] man there's a lot of predicted solar storms activity in 2012 you know they think they could get unprecedented levels of of of gamma bursts and they've had those before solar storms like way way in the past where you know we didn't have like all these satellites and shit you know there was like i believe it was a fucking i think it was the 1950s i think it was where there was a giant solar storm like one the the highest ones ever measured and they were saying that if that solar storm happened to us today i mean literally would knock out communication it would We would be fucked.

[1896] We would probably still have the internet in a lot of areas, but like a lot of our power grid would be fucked.

[1897] A lot of our satellites would be fucked.

[1898] You know, solar storms are really unpredictable.

[1899] And when they happen, man, really big ones, really big ones could toast this whole society.

[1900] And maybe that's what happens in 2012.

[1901] And maybe nothing happens.

[1902] Maybe nothing will happen.

[1903] That's all fucking bullshit.

[1904] I mean, the math, they even said that the math might even be wrong.

[1905] It might be 60 days off, you know.

[1906] It cares.

[1907] So what do you think about New York next month, We're going to have a good time, bro.

[1908] We're going to be there in New York City, and then we're going to be in New Jersey for the fucking championship of the world.

[1909] Johnny Bones -Jones fights Mauricio Shogun, Lua.

[1910] This is the opportunity, bro.

[1911] I'll see you in the city.

[1912] Yeah, I'm staying in the city.

[1913] I'm staying in the city.

[1914] I'm going out there.

[1915] Yeah, the last time I stayed in Newark, I got tired of hearing sirens.

[1916] I'll throw out the middle of the night.

[1917] All night there were sirens.

[1918] I was like, okay, I don't need to stay here.

[1919] I'll just drive here the next day.

[1920] So that's my new card.

[1921] Fuck, yeah.

[1922] Well, I was looking like Jariah Faber.

[1923] That motherfucker is definitely Justin Bieber.

[1924] What are you talking about?

[1925] He looks just like Justin Bieber, Jariah Faber.

[1926] They're the same fucking person.

[1927] I think he sings and he taps out of motherfuckers once every other week there.

[1928] That's a great fight.

[1929] There's a couple great fights on this car.

[1930] Yariah Faber is a fascinating dude.

[1931] I really like talking to him, man. I did an interview with him, and one of the things he talked about is very interesting.

[1932] He's a very inspirational guy.

[1933] You know, he's like one of those dudes that gets up in the morning and he has like a list of like things and he has written on the wall.

[1934] These are my goals.

[1935] I'm going to be, you know, world champion by the end of 2011.

[1936] I'm going to meet the girl, my dreams, have, you know, three kids.

[1937] And like, he has all this shit like on his wall.

[1938] Like he's like, uh, the secret.

[1939] Yeah, well, he's big into setting goals and working hard and accomplishing things.

[1940] Like, he's got a gang of different things going on at once.

[1941] He owns like three different houses and all the fighters live in these houses.

[1942] And they, like, have on a block.

[1943] They all live together and they get together and cook healthy meals and hang out together.

[1944] Can you imagine accidentally robbing that place?

[1945] Yeah, and talking shit because the guy who meets you at the door is only 5 foot 4.

[1946] The next thing you know, you're flying through the air and landing on your fucking head.

[1947] Yeah, this is an awesome card, man. John Jones versus Shogun Huah is some fascinating shit, man, because Shogun is the old assassin.

[1948] And Shogun used to be John Jones.

[1949] He was the 23 -year -old guy when he won the middleweight Grand Prix.

[1950] Shogun was this young guy that was fucking everybody up, you know, but he had a lot more competition.

[1951] He had a lot of struggles, you know, he had Hojirio Nogera, that was a struggle.

[1952] You know, he had some tough fights.

[1953] He fought, you know, he had some real good competition over there.

[1954] He had some battles, you know, and he also had some fucking destructing wins, too, man, Shogun go out and fuck people up.

[1955] Like, like when Rampage was injured, when they fought, Rampage came into the fight with a hurt rib.

[1956] I shouldn't have ever took the fight in the first, but I guess he just needed the money.

[1957] And Shogun just fucking took it to him, man. Shogun is a fucking killer.

[1958] Everybody doesn't...

[1959] Alistair, Overreed.

[1960] Yeah.

[1961] Shogun's a killer, man. He's a killer, and he's been around a long time, and he's not going to get rattled.

[1962] And, you know, and I'm not saying that John Jones is, because I think John Jones is the fucking truth.

[1963] I think he's the real deal, dude, and I think he's a super athlete.

[1964] I think there's certain dudes that just can do things that you can't do, you know, and physically, you know, and when you combine it with intelligence, which he has, and work ethic, which he has all the doing all the right things treating people the right way good karma i mean yeah he says something sometimes i'm sure he'll regret but he's 20 fucking three years old you know it's hard to not be confident fear of a black planet we discussed this already you said this you know a long time ago they made these super slaves they thought they were going to get the banks bang out of your buck that super slave league is called the end motherfucking afl now and now they're taking everything from us because in two years you won't even they'll be taking look at phil of mr davis i didn't know he was fighting Antonio Nogera Mr. Wonderful.

[1965] Yeah, he's fighting.

[1966] Oh, yeah.

[1967] That's...

[1968] They're both Antonio.

[1969] Antonio.

[1970] Antonio and Antonio Rodrigo.

[1971] Minotaro.

[1972] The heavyweight guy is Hedrigo.

[1973] Excuse me. So who's he fighting?

[1974] Hogerio is the light heavyweight guy.

[1975] So who's he fighting?

[1976] He's fighting a light heavyweight guy.

[1977] Okay, so he's got...

[1978] He's still a bad motherfucker.

[1979] That guy submitted Dan Henderson.

[1980] You know, he beat over him, I believe, I'm pretty sure.

[1981] And him and ninja, or him and Shogun had a fucking war.

[1982] They had...

[1983] He had a killer war in pride.

[1984] Yeah, man, he's a bad motherfucker.

[1985] He's got real good hands, too.

[1986] Higirio does.

[1987] That's a great fight.

[1988] But John Jones, man. What I said about John Jones, I always say this, is that when he throws people around, it doesn't look like a normal person doing it.

[1989] You know what I mean?

[1990] Like, when you watch a normal, strong dude that just horse somebody around, like Matt Hamill.

[1991] When Matt Hamill horses somebody around, he looks like, here's his big -ass, tough, strong motherfucker, and he's going to grab a hold you, and he's going to slam you on your ass.

[1992] And it just looks like it's supposed to be happening that way.

[1993] When John Jones does it, it looks like some fucking insect, some insect that can just pick up a log.

[1994] You know, there's something about how easy he does it.

[1995] It just doesn't look right.

[1996] It doesn't look fair.

[1997] You know what I'm saying?

[1998] Like, you watch like a beetle move or an ant move like something.

[1999] Like, ants can pick up some big ass shit and move it around like it's nothing.

[2000] It doesn't even shift their balance.

[2001] That's what it looks like with John Jones.

[2002] He's just like, he's got like arachnid power or something.

[2003] He's fucking Spider -Man.

[2004] He launches dudes.

[2005] you know like when he gets that double overhooks and throws guys through the air who the fuck is doing that who the fuck is doing that he caught a kick you know how some people catch a kick yeah he caught it and spun around with an elbow stephen bonner yeah that's brilliant that's really he also tossed stephen bonner over the fucking over his heels head over his heels his heels were up in the air who the fuck does that to stephen bonner i mean stephen bonner's been around forever him a beating, but Bonner is, that guy is an assassin.

[2006] He's tough as shit.

[2007] This is an interesting fight, man. Very interesting.

[2008] What do you think about Marquard?

[2009] Shogun's a killer, bro.

[2010] You know, I wish Miller had a full training camp, you know?

[2011] It's a tough fight.

[2012] Nate Marquard, it's a beast, you know, and Miller's tough as fuck.

[2013] And those Miller boys, man, they'll take a fight.

[2014] You can call them 20 minutes before the fight starts, and they'll change their shoes.

[2015] Now, was that Miller training for a fight?

[2016] Yeah, well, he's always training.

[2017] Those guys are real, conscientious, you know?

[2018] I like Miller.

[2019] And they know that you always have to be ready, because anything can happen.

[2020] I like Jim Miller.

[2021] I don't know why.

[2022] He's great.

[2023] I love Jim Miller.

[2024] And he's great with these guys.

[2025] But I don't know.

[2026] Now this motherfucker's got to go to New Jersey.

[2027] This is Dan.

[2028] He's got to go into New Jersey, bitch.

[2029] Yeah.

[2030] Got to go into Jersey.

[2031] It's like the, it's like the Cowboys going at the 49thville in 81.

[2032] What do you think about Crow Crop fighting still?

[2033] Does that freak you out?

[2034] He's fighting Brendan Schaub, the kid who lost to big country in the ultimate fighter?

[2035] I think that Brendan Schrobb is improving.

[2036] He's a bad motherfucker, dude.

[2037] And I think that Crocob is.

[2038] just trying to finish up his contract you think so but why i mean when the guy keeps getting knocked out like that i mean i wonder one i wonder if he needs money do you think he needs money or you think it's like an ego thing he's not willing to you know i don't know man this is his last fight i hope to i don't know i hope he i was hoping that he was going to walk away after the pat barry fight that was a good fight you got a nice victory you know but then he fights frank mir and gets knocked out and it just it doesn't look right you know you know like seeing a hero i hope the the fucking guy could pull it back together.

[2039] Look, look, people don't know that Alstar O 'Rearing was stopped like nine times.

[2040] He got, he got beat up by Bobby Hoffman.

[2041] He got stopped by, I think he got, no, Verdume finished him, Verdum submitted him.

[2042] A bunch of guys have stopped him, though, including being stopped in K -1 and being stopped in kickboxing, Chuck Liddell stopped him.

[2043] Guys beat him.

[2044] Oh, Sergei Karatanov knocked him out.

[2045] He stopped him.

[2046] So look at all those guys that beat Alistair, and now Alistair is a fucking destroyer.

[2047] Like, he bounced back fully.

[2048] What he did is he started lifting weights and doing crazy power lifting and shit.

[2049] He got a lot stronger, got super dedicated, really dedicated his whole life 100 % to training.

[2050] And now he's, like, one of the most dangerous and scary guys on the planet.

[2051] I think he's on the planet.

[2052] So you can't say Krocob is done.

[2053] You never say he's done.

[2054] But, man, it hurts me to watch him lose.

[2055] It hurts me to watch him be a shadow of who he...

[2056] Well, I was so excited about him coming over to the UFC because I've thought about the crow cop that fought Nogara in pride.

[2057] I thought about the crow cop that fought you know over Fador's brother Alexander Ilmielinenko he fucked that dude up high kicked him Igor he fucked him Vovchanchin high kicked him he was just jacking everybody back then dude his stand -up was fucking nasty but by the time he came over to the UFC man it wasn't quite the same you know we didn't quite have the motivation that he had back there was something something was missing It's almost like he achieved so much over there That it was like he went on a mad sprint Here's a good fucking fight on this card man Jim Miller and Kamal Shalaroos Oh yeah that's a good fucking fight Jim Miller is a base dude Especially after he submitted that kid Charlie Fucking what is his name Olivera Charles Olivera That really good jujitsu kid With the good moitai The small kid but Miller grabbed a hold of him Got him in a fucking nasty leg lock quick Really surprised that kid when he tapped him you know and millers tapped dwayne ludwig off his back he's a fucking and he dropped ludwig too before that which is you know ludwig's a sick kickboxer so this kamal chaloreauze dude's a bad motherfucker too really tough strong dude this iranian i believe he's iranian and uh he's a wrestler he's got a wrestling base but like a powerful puncher he comes forward so that's a good fucking scrap right there man you got mike pile ricardo ameda fuck yeah that's gonna be real good too man you know mike piles really fucking uh turned it around mike pile's tricky as fuck dude he's tricky he's tricky he's tricky And he's got a real good guard, dude.

[2058] Ever, you've got to be careful about that guy when he's on his back, man. And Kurt Bella Grino and Glacent T -Bowl.

[2059] There's a lot of good fights in this car.

[2060] T -Bow's favorite.

[2061] Yeah.

[2062] 150 over 130 or something.

[2063] A lot of fucking good fights in this car.

[2064] That's some slug fast, man. So it's going to be great, man. Yeah.

[2065] And what the fuck is that dude's name?

[2066] Barbosa.

[2067] He's fighting, too.

[2068] Edson Barbosa.

[2069] That kid's a fucking beast.

[2070] That kid's a beast, man. He's fighting Anthony Injuquani.

[2071] Anthony Angiwani.

[2072] He's a badass striker from the WEC, one of those guys.

[2073] Lost a couple of fights, but still he's a fucking dangerous kid.

[2074] But this Barbosa is a fucking assassin.

[2075] He's a badass striker, dude.

[2076] A badass striker.

[2077] Well, the fight's done at what time on Saturday?

[2078] Well, I think the card, the pay -per -view card, is going to be an hour early this week.

[2079] So in the East Coast, if it used to be on at 9 o 'clock, it's now going to be on at 8 o 'clock.

[2080] It's going to start a day.

[2081] Or it's going to start an hour early.

[2082] It's going to start it.

[2083] Instead of 9, instead of 10, it's going to start at 9.

[2084] 9.

[2085] So that means 6 here.

[2086] Okay.

[2087] Yeah, six here.

[2088] So that's the deal.

[2089] I get off the plane at 4 .45.

[2090] I go to my hotel, take a shower, and I can shoot right back out to the night.

[2091] Sam, we're going to have some fucking fun.

[2092] Next weekend, I am in Portland.

[2093] No. Where am I?

[2094] Seattle.

[2095] Seattle.

[2096] At the Moore Theater.

[2097] Yeah.

[2098] And there's still a few tickets left, but not much.

[2099] So that's on Friday.

[2100] It'll probably sell out that day.

[2101] So if you want in, don't snooze, bitches.

[2102] and then following week Joey will be with me at Helium in Portland Joey can go to Portland Oregon is if Oregon is still there will be there too which is a scary scary fucking consideration so we'll see you there at the end of the month and Joey this weekend or this Tuesday will be at I'm in New York City and then Thursday through Saturday at the comedy club in Webster motherfucking New York come on down Buffalo Syracuse Rochester and I'll see you for fucking animals in New York City at 9 o 'clock ready to rock.

[2103] And this is on what street?

[2104] 147 Bleaker Street.

[2105] 147 Bleaker Street.

[2106] Okay, so that is Tuesday.

[2107] Tuesday, the 22nd.

[2108] And then you're going to be in Rochester that weekend?

[2109] Yeah, and the following weekend, where you were in Portland, Oregon.

[2110] But bam, bitches!

[2111] Bam, bitches!

[2112] That's it.

[2113] And we'll see you guys next Tuesday.

[2114] We'll have another podcast.

[2115] I don't know who's going to be on it because we're unorganized as fuck, and that's how we roll.

[2116] Please follow Red Band, because he's very upset that he doesn't have very many follow us on Twitter.

[2117] Listen to the new podcast with Jaden, Jaden Cole is awesome.

[2118] Your new podcast that we're saying?

[2119] Are you telling to me or the people at home?

[2120] Me too.

[2121] I don't have time.

[2122] Yeah, I have the time.

[2123] You have the time.

[2124] You got to listen to this girl.

[2125] You'll fall in love with her.

[2126] Okay.

[2127] You'll fall in love with it.

[2128] I probably won't.

[2129] I bet I bet I won't.

[2130] I love you.

[2131] tonight, Sal's Comedy Club.

[2132] Yeah, Sal's Comedy Club sold out.

[2133] You coming in tonight?

[2134] No. I'm leaving for Anaheim.

[2135] Come on, dog.

[2136] I can never.

[2137] Come on the way back.

[2138] On the way back, dog.

[2139] Come on.

[2140] Go on after me, man. All right.

[2141] We got a goddamn party at that place.

[2142] Thank you to the fleshlight.

[2143] Thank you to the fleshlight.

[2144] If you go to Joe Rogan .net and click the link for the flashlight.

[2145] Put in the code name, Rogan, and you get 15 % off.

[2146] Red band is on Twitter, R -E -D -B -A -N, and Joey Diaz is Mad -Flaver.

[2147] One word, mad flavor.

[2148] Love you, bitches.

[2149] Twitter, Facebook.

[2150] Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

[2151] Make Dits and yes.

[2152] It's bad for your health.

[2153] Thank you.