Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Summer Smoors with Conan and the Chill Chums, a six -part series with Conan O 'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[1] Let's get started.
[2] Well, here we are the final episode in the backyard, not of the series of Conan Ojojo.
[3] I should stop you right there.
[4] I've given you the task of setting us up and getting us started.
[5] And already you're putting it out there that this may be our last episode.
[6] So.
[7] Ever.
[8] Let me just underscore.
[9] again that I've been responsible and I think but I think Sona and Matt have had their share of this wonderful cocktail That's true The Chill Choms for life Second or third Yeah I don't know what we're doing Well I'm doing shadow puppets But in the full broad daylight Yeah so that's Understand my situation I'm in kind of a hell But I think I'm in Dante's eighth ring Of hell Which is a podcast with two drunken people If this is hell man I don't want to be heaven.
[10] We're having a good time.
[11] Yeah, that's an important thing.
[12] If only the listeners were.
[13] All right.
[14] Wait, listeners?
[15] Exactly.
[16] You're going to whittle them away.
[17] Let me say that this is, this is Summer Smoors with Conan O 'Brien and the Chill Chums.
[18] And we're having a lovely time.
[19] Some more than others.
[20] In the backyard of Gorley's beautiful home in Pasadena.
[21] Pasadena, an interesting place.
[22] I knew about Pasadena because when I was a kid and I was obsessed with late -night television, I would watch Johnny Carson.
[23] And he would always say, you know, make these jokes about downtown Pasadena.
[24] And I didn't know what he was talking about.
[25] Like as Art Fern, you mean like go on the sloss and cut off and cut off?
[26] Yeah, but he'd make jokes about Pasadena sort of seeming like a boring place.
[27] It's where the tournament of roses is.
[28] That's right, the Rose Parade.
[29] Yes.
[30] Which you were in.
[31] I was on a rose parade flow.
[32] What?
[33] Yeah, it was awesome.
[34] Well, illegally, she jumped up on it.
[35] That's like saying I was on the field during the World Series, but then they tackled me and put clothes on my body.
[36] You were, this is an honor.
[37] Was your speech debate?
[38] No, it was actually after Conan and I went to Armenia and the Armenian, we have an Armenian float every year and they reached out to me and asked me if I would be on it.
[39] They did not reach out to Conan, which is awkward.
[40] But you could have been on that float, but I think, you know, you know what it is?
[41] I'm waiting for the Irish to get their shit together and build a float.
[42] The Irish always build half a float and then they start fighting each other.
[43] So, and then they see the parade going off.
[44] And sometimes if you look carefully at the Rose Bowl, you'll see an Irish float in the background and a bunch of guys with no shirts on just wailing on each other.
[45] You know what?
[46] You think it's going to be so fun.
[47] And it, I want to say it took like six hours, but not six hours.
[48] But it felt like six hours.
[49] And you're, you're waving.
[50] And there's, and I thought they were going to be far from me, but they're like two feet away.
[51] Not two feet, but they're like just a few feet away from you.
[52] The people.
[53] Yeah.
[54] It's like you and me. And it's just imagine me just like waving.
[55] Did anyone ever flip you off or just stare at you?
[56] Did you not give you what you wanted?
[57] But also like no one knew who I was.
[58] That can't be true.
[59] No, no one knew who I was.
[60] I could have told you that.
[61] I'm sorry.
[62] I'm sorry.
[63] What did you expect?
[64] I don't know.
[65] You can't be on a parade float and say I'm the, you know, no, I'm sorry.
[66] Stardom and trust me, I earned it the hard way by being randomly selected by Lauren Michael.
[67] 30 years ago to fill a job I wasn't qualified for that's the way you do at Sona You know what One person did yell out Conan's assistant Like didn't even know my name Oh there you go Well that's something Is it though That's how you're known It was It was someone in the crowd That we It was Cohn It was Cohn We had left a pair of shoes With him And he'd been looking for Sonick because she forgot to pick them up.
[68] Coen's assistant, oh, you recognize me. No, no, you left Conan's shoes here three years ago.
[69] You never picked them up.
[70] I've got his dry cleaning.
[71] It'd be great if he climbed up on the float and he had my dry cleaning and a pair of shoes that I had rehealed.
[72] Late fees.
[73] Late fees.
[74] Storage fees.
[75] Okay, listen, this is the last backyard episode.
[76] So we've got a score to settle.
[77] And we've got a smore to settle.
[78] Oh, man, you love your wordplay, don't you?
[79] Are you kidding?
[80] I like Ryman as much as I like Tyman.
[81] Unbelievable.
[82] Somebody's got to cut them off.
[83] No, actually.
[84] Okay.
[85] Seriously, I'm taking the wheel.
[86] You cannot drive this school bus anymore.
[87] Someone's going to get hurt.
[88] I'm not driving a school bus.
[89] I'm merely a passenger on the school bus alive.
[90] Okay.
[91] Wow.
[92] Out of control.
[93] Guys, guys.
[94] This is my favorite time.
[95] Oh, really?
[96] Me too.
[97] I've never been less happy doing the pop.
[98] I am having a great.
[99] I think Matt and I are both having a really good year.
[100] This is making me crave the professionalism of Andy Richter.
[101] That's where we are right now.
[102] Now, I will get us there, which is, there's...
[103] I'll help.
[104] Yeah, please, I'm good, I'm good.
[105] Okay.
[106] We got into a bit of a beef.
[107] Yeah.
[108] And that's where this title Summer Smores came from because somehow Smoors came up, and I posited that no one really likes Smoors, and it's a very flawed treat and it's really not that good but people need to pretend that it is to keep this artificial sense of joie de vivre going and Sonya you got really mad I got pissed if I could have smores for breakfast, lunch and dinner I would I love smores so much and I know everyone I know likes me you're the only person I don't think that's true because we then opened it up to the fan base and all 11 of them And we, what was the result?
[109] I would say majority of people think s'mores are overrated.
[110] Yes.
[111] Fuck those people.
[112] And I'm one of them.
[113] I'm maybe not as hard line as Conan.
[114] I'm willing to be swayed, but I don't think it's going to happen.
[115] I'm not.
[116] I don't think you guys are doing it right.
[117] I'm going to say this.
[118] I'm going to say this.
[119] If you were in a restaurant and you said, bring me your best dessert and they brought you a smore, you would take a candle off the table and shove it up the waiter's ass and then twist it around and then light it through his throat you'd put your hand down his throat and light the candle so you'd meet your hands would meet somewhere well no the wick would meet it would be up in the upper colon it's a long candle drive the school bus thank you okay I'm glad I took control but don't you think that's a good point the candle went too crazy but the essence of what I was saying, was that people act like, oh, this is so amazing, but it's because you've just been walking through mud for nine hours, and then someone gives you a shingle and really the most inferior of sugar forms, which is the marshmallow, and then some bad chocolate, and you're like, please, sir, may I have another, you're a victim at that point.
[120] I think you're right.
[121] Yeah, go ahead.
[122] I have a comment to make.
[123] The distinguished gentlewoman from Altadina?
[124] Thank you.
[125] I have a response to that.
[126] A, I have ordered s'mores desserts in a restaurant, and not only that, they bring it out with a little flame that eventually goes out, and it's a joy to make.
[127] But that's bullshit dickery.
[128] Excuse me. I have the floor.
[129] The second thing is, the second thing I will say is a lot of, like, there's s'mores -flavored Girl Scout cookies.
[130] There's smores -flavored cereal.
[131] Like, they find, what?
[132] No, that's different.
[133] I agree.
[134] That is different.
[135] It's not fair to say, if someone took the essence of that, which is basically chocolate and sugar with a little bit of a gram cracker to it, that's fine.
[136] But when you are dealing with an actual smore, I've tried to eat one.
[137] I've watched many, many people try to eat them, because that's one of the ways that I find pleasure is staring at people camping, with my lung, with my nighttime binoculars.
[138] Well, it's a way that I...
[139] Wait, I'm picturing you wearing night vision goggles fully dune, 30 feet away from a campfire.
[140] Right, and I'm spader baiting.
[141] And it's like a family camp?
[142] Spader baiting is what James Spader does in Sex Lives and Videotape.
[143] Oh, yeah.
[144] You know when he takes his shirt off and he just rubs his upper chest?
[145] I was working at SNL when that movie came out and I think he was on or someone was on the show from that movie.
[146] Maybe it was Andy McDowell and Robert and I were laughing because I think Robert started calling it spader baiting, which is when you take off your shirt and you just start rubbing your upper chest with your finger with your fingers.
[147] What here did that movie come out, Eduardo?
[148] Can you check that real quickly?
[149] I'm going to say 89.
[150] Yeah.
[151] Okay, so I was seven.
[152] I don't really, I never watched that movie.
[153] Wait, you weren't watching sexiles and videotape at seven?
[154] What kind of parents did you have?
[155] I know.
[156] My parents, whenever they said, hey, there's a movie that insinuates masturbation.
[157] Let's get the kids in the car.
[158] I was spader baiting in the womb.
[159] 89.
[160] Wow, nicely done.
[161] Thank you.
[162] One of my skills.
[163] You know, I, you know what, though?
[164] I'm sorry, I know we're talking about smores.
[165] My parents took me. We weren't.
[166] We were talking about spader bait.
[167] And you know what, smores always leads to spores.
[168] Bater bait or baiting very quickly.
[169] Also, it's spelled as apostrophe Bater baiting.
[170] Yeah, S apostrophe B. My parents took me to go see Pulp Fiction when it first came out.
[171] In what, 94, I think it came out when I was 12 years old.
[172] They took me to see Pulp Fiction.
[173] There was this woman we knew growing up named Eva Murphy, and she, very nice woman, but she had had a rural youth, I believe, and she once came to our house.
[174] And she was very religious.
[175] And she came to our house, and she was really upset.
[176] And she was like, we went to see a picture last night.
[177] We just wanted to see a good horse picture, a good movie, so we went to see blazing saddles.
[178] Well, I've never seen it.
[179] And she was just flipped out.
[180] She went to see Blazing Saddles because she thought it was going to be like a Tom Mix, Western from the 40s where they rode around on horses.
[181] Can I specify my parents didn't know what Pulp Fiction was?
[182] It's not like they knew and then took me to it.
[183] Yeah, why investigate a movie before you go to it?
[184] Yeah, they were horrified by.
[185] They told me to go to the concessions down like 12 times.
[186] Yeah.
[187] Well, what did they think it was?
[188] My cousin was like, it's not a big deal.
[189] It's just some cursing.
[190] And then, you know, there's a lot more than cursing.
[191] Oh, no. It's a, first of all, you should have been confiscated from your parents.
[192] They just didn't do any research.
[193] And I said this because you asked me to give a toast at your children's christening.
[194] And I did.
[195] And it went way out of my way to tell your parents in the toast, they really dropped the ball with you.
[196] Yes, you told my parents they did a terrible job.
[197] I said you did a terrible job.
[198] I said, when she came to me, she was just a wild animal.
[199] And your parents are just sort of not.
[200] saying like this is fun.
[201] No, it's true.
[202] They were laughing.
[203] They love him.
[204] He can get away with anything.
[205] Yeah, and then I said that it wasn't until TAC came along that you reformed.
[206] Okay.
[207] And became the person, the tolerable person you are today who can live in society.
[208] What a lovely toast.
[209] My point.
[210] We've got to get to some s'mores.
[211] Can we smore it, please?
[212] Yeah, I can't wait to get to this dessert I despise.
[213] Okay, I would like to introduce my lovely wife Amanda.
[214] Oh, fantastic.
[215] Yes.
[216] Yay.
[217] Ladies, thank you so much.
[218] There's a mic over there, too, if you guys want to say hi really quickly.
[219] Hi, everyone.
[220] That's Amanda.
[221] That's Amanda.
[222] Hello, I'm the other one.
[223] That's Sarah with very low self -esteem.
[224] I'm the other one.
[225] She says that when your wife isn't there, she says that.
[226] I'm the other one.
[227] Who's the first?
[228] Sarah has worked up something special for us because she's...
[229] I understand Sarah's quite talented.
[230] She's really talented.
[231] And wait till you see this.
[232] I'm a crafty gal.
[233] Yeah, look at this.
[234] It brings me joy.
[235] There is a...
[236] Oh my God!
[237] Oh my God!
[238] So, this...
[239] Can I lift this up?
[240] I think so.
[241] Well, you know what?
[242] They are made to look just like us.
[243] This is...
[244] I don't know if we can get a shot of this, but it's really good.
[245] That's your pompadour.
[246] These are marshmallow effigies, and I'm just realizing now that Sona has mini - marshmallow booboos.
[247] My boobies!
[248] Yes, she does.
[249] Wow.
[250] I love that.
[251] Sarah, thank you.
[252] I love that you had to point out that that was my pompadour.
[253] I didn't think that was a tumor that no one's had the guts to tell me about Well, there is something we need to tell you There's a large, this is, you're very talented This is really cool Look at that Will you hand me mine?
[254] It's nothing Now the question is Do we roast our own Or burn the effigy of another person You know?
[255] Well, first of all, I have to see my face melt Because, and I mean, I don't either know that I can eat this This is too nice for me to roast I know.
[256] How do we like...
[257] We can't, okay.
[258] Look at that.
[259] This has the same muscular density that I have.
[260] This is about the strength of my...
[261] Whopoopoop!
[262] I do want to bite the head of the Conan one off.
[263] I think you guys should utterly destroy them.
[264] Can I...
[265] I want to see mine die on the fire.
[266] Yeah.
[267] Because I've always...
[268] I mean...
[269] I do too.
[270] Should I just drop mine on the fire and see what happens?
[271] Put it on a skewer here.
[272] Oh, okay.
[273] That's a good idea.
[274] You have choices so cute.
[275] Hold on.
[276] That hair, those marshmallow hairs were curled by the hairdresser that you couldn't get in to see.
[277] Okay, guys.
[278] Need to bring that up again.
[279] This is the scenario.
[280] Anybody have an idea as I'm walking along.
[281] Oh, this is how Gorley and Sona get rid of Conan.
[282] Yeah.
[283] So I just am asking you guys, hey guys, what's going on?
[284] I guess I'm doing myself so it could be my voice.
[285] Yeah, why did, what was that voice?
[286] I don't know.
[287] I just lost it for a second.
[288] Oh, hey there, Matt.
[289] Hey, Sona.
[290] What's going on?
[291] Hey, how's it going?
[292] Yeah, pretty good.
[293] All right.
[294] Just anybody I got any ideas?
[295] I think I've taken a really safe walk.
[296] Yeah, I don't want to get hurt.
[297] There's a lake over there that's going to look not blue and it's going to be not refreshing, but I think you should jump in.
[298] Wait, this area over here?
[299] Follow me up until a certain point and stand right there.
[300] We'll stop.
[301] We'll stop.
[302] You go on.
[303] Well, of course I should go on because I'm an A -lister.
[304] Is that what you mean?
[305] Oh, yeah, yeah.
[306] It's only famous people can go there.
[307] Us D -listers, we'll hang back.
[308] You're, okay, I'm gonna go over there.
[309] I trust you guys.
[310] Okay, we'll walk with you, we'll walk with you to a certain point, and then I gotta get back home.
[311] All right, guys, why don't I go ahead?
[312] I'll go first.
[313] Okay.
[314] All right, you guys, get back.
[315] I see paparazzi over there, and they're gonna want me alone.
[316] Oh, yeah, okay, we'll hang back here.
[317] You keep going, you keep going.
[318] You keep going.
[319] You keep going.
[320] You keep going.
[321] You keep going.
[322] No, Karen, pick a dress.
[323] Why are you pushing me?
[324] Hold on, hold on, hold on, let me see.
[325] I want to see the...
[326] Are you sure this is a lake?
[327] Yeah, yeah, you're not a...
[328] Oh, okay, are you sure it's a lake?
[329] Finally, the volcano is accepting a virgin.
[330] Why?
[331] Finally paying in this life for all my sins.
[332] High five.
[333] Hi -five.
[334] Oh, my God, look.
[335] I am not dead yet.
[336] Oh, it's like you spent three minutes in the sun.
[337] A slow death.
[338] Oh, your feet just fell off.
[339] Beautiful.
[340] Fee fell off, but I can still, I think, lead a protective life without, ah, crotch, completely gone.
[341] Oh, well, hasn't worked in a while.
[342] I, oh, look at the hair is going.
[343] it's going to slide off.
[344] Beautiful.
[345] Oh, look.
[346] My hair flew on, my burnt hair.
[347] Oh, no, I've got it on me. How do I get it off?
[348] Here I'll help you.
[349] Get Conan off me. Oh, it's on your head.
[350] I love you two are terrible killers.
[351] Now I'm going to be the marshmallow CSI.
[352] Sir, is that melted, Conan, on your head?
[353] That was really satisfying to watch me burn.
[354] Yeah, it was.
[355] I'll say.
[356] Let's make some smores.
[357] Can we smear it up?
[358] Smart up?
[359] Okay, we've got a whole selection here.
[360] First of all, a big round of applause for the whole crew that made this possible.
[361] Everybody's here.
[362] We've got Will, we've got Aaron, we've got Ruthie, who went and got all this.
[363] Eduardo, David, Adam.
[364] Chills, Steve, Tanisha.
[365] There's a sound person right back there that I just realized was a bear.
[366] Yeah.
[367] It's a bear, and it's actually figured out a way to put headset on.
[368] Are we missing anybody?
[369] Well, Sarah and Amanda, and then, I mean, that's everybody that's here tonight, right?
[370] Norman Fell.
[371] Oh, God, Norman Fell.
[372] Fred Travelina, a big thanks to him.
[373] Jesus.
[374] Also, my thanks to you, Matt, for having us over.
[375] Come on, I didn't have to drive.
[376] It was my pleasure.
[377] Not, it's being sarcastic.
[378] I drove a really long way.
[379] I understand.
[380] This is a real shit show for me. You, like, drove 10 minutes.
[381] Everybody got thanked.
[382] Oh, yeah.
[383] Thank you, Sona.
[384] What the fuck?
[385] Well, I will thank you for being my rock, you know.
[386] You're the only way I make it through this.
[387] That's nice.
[388] Thank you.
[389] You're welcome.
[390] Conan?
[391] I think the check helps, too.
[392] Sorry.
[393] The guy makes...
[394] Can someone give me a marshmallow to eat?
[395] Yeah, let's do this.
[396] Okay, can we get some fresh skewers?
[397] Oh, we're not using these?
[398] Well, you can, but mine...
[399] Where did your guy go?
[400] Oh, I put...
[401] I put her back.
[402] So are we done now?
[403] No, we're not done.
[404] Oh, I thought like you wrapped it up.
[405] No, I didn't wrap it up.
[406] We're going to make s'mores.
[407] Okay.
[408] Well, I refuse to eat one on principle.
[409] But you guys go ahead.
[410] I think it's, uh...
[411] You're doubling down.
[412] I don't think you really think it's the worst.
[413] I do.
[414] But how can you...
[415] Matt, can you give me a...
[416] No, again, what I always said was it's way overrated.
[417] It's not as good as it's cracked up to be.
[418] I guess...
[419] Now, Sona, because I want to...
[420] I want to give this a full shot, how much do I roast this marshmallow?
[421] It's already too much.
[422] It's already too much.
[423] That was too much?
[424] You want to, you want it to, you want, you don't want her in the fire.
[425] You want to, you want to turn her so that she gets slowly roasted.
[426] These are gendered?
[427] To the point where she all, like, falls off of your skewer.
[428] That means you, like, what the, what is that?
[429] Oh, my God, what happened?
[430] I'm trying to get it off so I can start again.
[431] So bad.
[432] Look, I'm now just feeding my marshmallow off of yours.
[433] Yeah, see, you got to, you got to be really gentle.
[434] But look, Sona, aren't I doing it the right way?
[435] You are.
[436] I'm warming the marshmallow.
[437] Oh, fuck.
[438] You got to, I know.
[439] The moment it starts to get like that, you have to blow it out.
[440] But don't you want some scorch?
[441] You want some scorch, but I'm saying some people scorch it and they're like, I'm done.
[442] And it's not the right way to do it.
[443] You have to actually melt the marshmallow, which takes some time and patience.
[444] And I think that's also part of the reason why you don't make good s'mores.
[445] It's a real tough balance.
[446] Is it, though?
[447] Sorry.
[448] This is not a hard thing to do.
[449] Okay.
[450] What do we talk about?
[451] Are we just really?
[452] I'll hand me some graham cracks.
[453] Yeah.
[454] You know, you're trying to be so hard to be casual that it's excruciating.
[455] You keep shortening words that can't be shortened.
[456] Hey, could you hear me a Hirsch for my gram crack?
[457] Yeah.
[458] I got to get a harsh marks.
[459] Here's a Hirsch for your gram crack.
[460] Thanks.
[461] You can put it on the old skew.
[462] Thanks, Cohn.
[463] This is livin.
[464] Yep.
[465] Doesn't get better than this.
[466] Listening to people make a shitty dessert is what podcasting was meant for.
[467] Eat your heart out, Mark Maron.
[468] This is what it's all really been about from the beginning.
[469] Are you listening, Peabody?
[470] Oh, Peabody.
[471] How do you get this whole thing in your mouth, though, Sona?
[472] First of all, these marshmallows you guys are using are enormous.
[473] You know, those are just softballs.
[474] You want smaller ones.
[475] How do you get this whole thing in your mouth?
[476] Cut to Mr. Furley, or, better yet, Norman Fell listening outside the door.
[477] Yeah.
[478] I've always wanted there to be a three's company.
[479] Jack and Chrissy are behind a door.
[480] Mr. Roper's listening.
[481] And he's saying things like push it harder, push it.
[482] it harder.
[483] No, no, no. It's not fitting here.
[484] Rub it, and then it will get harder.
[485] And then Mr. Roper's getting upset and you cut inside and they really are fucking and really graphic.
[486] It's just incredibly graphic.
[487] And you just, you cut to whatever, Don Nott's freaking out or whatever.
[488] Wouldn't that be great?
[489] Yeah, if it is, Mr. Roper, and he actually comes in, he's like, oh, I actually apologize.
[490] I'm sorry.
[491] Oh, I'm sorry.
[492] I'm sorry.
[493] I assume that you were putting a shower head on.
[494] Because I know there was an episode where they're putting a shower.
[495] You know what I want to do?
[496] Here's what I want to do.
[497] Or could someone do this for me?
[498] There's a threes company episode where I do think it's Don Knott's as Mr. Furley is listening.
[499] I think Jack and Chrissy are behind the door.
[500] The door is shut and they're in the bathroom.
[501] And I think they are just trying to put a shower head on.
[502] It's like, push, harder.
[503] I'm trying.
[504] You're making this.
[505] Here, you get on top.
[506] And Don Notts is making all those faces.
[507] If someone just cut incredibly hardcore pornography into there, I think that would be actually hilarious.
[508] I agree.
[509] Could someone do that out there because I don't have time?
[510] You mean out here in my backyard?
[511] No, no, no, no. Just listening in this.
[512] That's what's great about America.
[513] As you tell someone, can you just do a...
[514] Oh, look at this.
[515] Oh, Sona, that's a what an appetizing dessert.
[516] It looks like a burned vertebrae.
[517] It's the vertebrae of a fire victim.
[518] I got to say, this is absolute horseshit because the skin of the cooked marshmallow has exited the innards, and it's just like a mess that you can't.
[519] You can't even eat it.
[520] Too big.
[521] this is the problem.
[522] This marshmallow is too big.
[523] Well, take one of your thigh bones from your effigy.
[524] I will, but I also just want to point out, look at that perfect melt.
[525] Yeah, but that's a disaster.
[526] That looks terrible.
[527] Are you actually going to, you're just pretending to like this.
[528] You don't like that.
[529] I can't eat.
[530] They're impossible to eat.
[531] It's like when you get a cheeseburger at a restaurant, it comes in, it's like 18 inches high.
[532] It's really good, you guys.
[533] I can't, I don't understand you too.
[534] I don't.
[535] I'm so happy.
[536] It just makes me angry to even see you eat it.
[537] Architecturally, it doesn't make any sense.
[538] I think it goes against all food zoning.
[539] This should be food zoning.
[540] Like you can't build a sandwich this high.
[541] It's wrong.
[542] Everything about them is wrong.
[543] This is the first sugar I've had in forever.
[544] This is what I wasted it on?
[545] Can I say something else?
[546] Don't you wish you had something?
[547] You need to drink like 35 glasses of something to go with that.
[548] To get that giant dry piece of shit in your mouth.
[549] You've got to have a massive amount of liquid.
[550] Listen how my voice has changed.
[551] Oh, that's so bad.
[552] You don't even like it.
[553] I love it.
[554] Also, I've seen you eat horrible things and go, yum, yum, yum.
[555] You don't have a high bar.
[556] You really don't.
[557] Yes, I do.
[558] You don't.
[559] I saw you pick up a pork chop off the street once and you ate it.
[560] And you were like, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
[561] I love pork chops.
[562] Yeah, it was four years old.
[563] It had voted in the last election.
[564] Folks, it doesn't make sense, but who cares at this point?
[565] Do you realize I'm having once more at most?
[566] Maybe you'll have another.
[567] Conan hasn't have any.
[568] There's a tray of, like, 80 pieces of chocolate.
[569] Well, if we were nice people, we would invite the crew over.
[570] Yeah.
[571] But have you noticed that no one seems to want one?
[572] Is that true?
[573] Nobody else likes it?
[574] Hey, guess what?
[575] If a pack of hungry dogs came in here right now, they wouldn't touch those.
[576] They would eat the aluminum solo stove first before they would go after a smore.
[577] I am so happy.
[578] I am going to have another one.
[579] It's smaller, smaller marshmallow.
[580] Sarah, do you like s'm sorry?
[581] I like the chocolate?
[582] Yeah, that's called having a piece of chocolate.
[583] We all like that.
[584] Girl Scout camp, I would just take the chocolate and eat, like, everybody else.
[585] You would remove the only commendable part of the smore, and you would separate it from its two criminal friends, the graham cracker and the dreaded marshmallow.
[586] This is true.
[587] Thank you.
[588] You know, I wouldn't necessarily order it at a restaurant, but I have seen those on the menu.
[589] Yeah.
[590] Nobody is.
[591] No one disrespect.
[592] There's no one here?
[593] Everyone here agrees with me. Fuck everybody All right Well, Sona First of all You're belligerent And you're shouting about smores Do you know what I mean?
[594] Sarah, can we bring in What I suggested?
[595] Oh, absolutely Okay, this is a dessert Oh, is it real food?
[596] This is going to blow your mind Well, I shouldn't Crinkle, crinkle Okay This is chocolate covered Honeycomb from this place Up the street called Little Flower It's amazing That's incredible Again, I can't have it Because it goes against my diet You can't even have a little bite No, no joy for me I'm on an all I'm on a no joy diet Try this with a little bit of bourbon on ice And this is so specific How did you come up with that?
[597] We just happened upon it one day After we couldn't get the child to bed Always good to have bourbon then This child won't go to sleep Well, I think we should become inebriated Can I have a napkin?
[598] No, no, I can't give you a napkin Because that's part of the punishment of smores It's all over my face Wait for that though, wait Okay All right A little bit of bourbon on the rocks here Jesus, I got to drive for six hours to get home.
[599] Take a bite of this and then a swig of this.
[600] You sure you don't want to learn?
[601] All right, I'll do it.
[602] God damn it, it's hard to take care of oneself with these monsters around me. Okay, just take a bite then a swig and tell me that's not better than a smore.
[603] Oh, I'm sorry, my tooth just broke.
[604] Did it?
[605] That's because all you've been eating is smores.
[606] That's very good.
[607] Well, first of all, you introduced to the equation, alcohol.
[608] You're like, I think you're going to like this more.
[609] Yeah, you know why?
[610] Because there's alcohol.
[611] This is a very good bourbon.
[612] What do you want, that manhole cover?
[613] Thanks, Sarah.
[614] Thank you, Sarah.
[615] You're welcome.
[616] I think I'll take the bourbon.
[617] I mean, isn't that just heaven?
[618] I don't know if it's heaven.
[619] It's good.
[620] But I'll eat anything with chocolate in it.
[621] This honeycomb is very good.
[622] Where does it come from so you can get a free one next time you go?
[623] Little flour, this bakery up the street from us, it's amazing.
[624] User.
[625] It's really good.
[626] What did you say?
[627] I called you a user.
[628] You used us.
[629] You clearly introduced these wonderful honeycombs that are.
[630] in your local bakery so that you could walk in there like cock of the walk next time.
[631] Also, Bake of America is offering 4 .3 interest loans.
[632] Didn't you tell him to name the name of the place?
[633] Oh, yeah.
[634] And then you got, you made fun of him for doing it?
[635] Right, I set the trap and he fell for it.
[636] That's how most criminals are caught by the FBI.
[637] Ever watched the ab scam movie?
[638] Wait, I fell for the thing I wanted to happen.
[639] I have not seen the, what is it, what's the abs scam movie?
[640] Sona, you've got to learn about something that happened before 2009.
[641] You have got to learn about something that happened recently.
[642] I know a lot that happened.
[643] I know Britney's been having a hard time.
[644] Free Britney.
[645] I know all about that.
[646] Because the other assistant, the one that actually works, David, is constantly obsessed with Britney Spears and monitoring her progress.
[647] He busted her out a couple times.
[648] I mean, you do, you know what?
[649] The fact that you, David works with you and he knows about everything that's going on right now.
[650] And you can't even pick up on anything.
[651] He has a podcast.
[652] What's the name of your podcast?
[653] David?
[654] Back to the...
[655] Oh, I dropped my drink.
[656] Back to the best.
[657] He's drunk, too.
[658] Yeah, he just dropped his drink.
[659] And he's my...
[660] He's the only...
[661] I have two assistants.
[662] One's totally trashed and the other's well on his way.
[663] It's called Back to the Best.
[664] I'm over here, by the way.
[665] Huh?
[666] Hi.
[667] I don't...
[668] It's so dark.
[669] I can't see anything.
[670] Spectral faces in the background.
[671] Oh, I just saw someone wave a cup.
[672] A red drinky cup.
[673] So, David, you have a...
[674] On your podcast, don't you mostly talk about things from 20 years ago?
[675] Uh, yeah.
[676] Okay, so Sona just held you up as the person knows everything about what's happening today.
[677] David, yet all you do is follow Britney Spears on my podcast.
[678] All you do is follow Britney Spears on tour.
[679] She's not on tour.
[680] You should know that.
[681] She's not on tour.
[682] Guess what?
[683] She's not ready to be on tour.
[684] In her mind, she is.
[685] In her mind, she is.
[686] She can go anywhere in her mind.
[687] And then I'll tell you something else.
[688] You are obsessed with stuff from the 90s.
[689] So how is he any better than me?
[690] He knows, you know stuff that's going on right now, David.
[691] Just because I, appreciate older stuff doesn't mean I don't know what's going on now.
[692] I know what's happening now.
[693] Oh, my God.
[694] I know what's happening now.
[695] No, you don't, Conan.
[696] What you're talking about?
[697] The iPod shuffle is a big thing.
[698] Oh, the iPad, the iPod's dead.
[699] They just end it.
[700] No, it's not.
[701] I still have one.
[702] It just discontinued it.
[703] Listen, can I tell you something?
[704] I know what's happening now.
[705] I watch all the new shows and I'm up on it.
[706] I do watch Severance.
[707] Okay, that's cool.
[708] I love severance.
[709] Yeah.
[710] Can you name any of the actors in it?
[711] What are you talking about?
[712] Of course I can.
[713] Okay.
[714] Well, I don't want to be a creep, but I happen to be friendly with one of them.
[715] Which one?
[716] He's the one that runs the elevator.
[717] I'm sorry, who?
[718] He's a small actor.
[719] What's his name?
[720] Chez Biddle.
[721] He's the elevator operator.
[722] Chez Biddle.
[723] No, I do know the actors on that show.
[724] We're having a good time.
[725] Yeah.
[726] I'm not going to get into it with you.
[727] I don't want to sound like a cool guy.
[728] You will very quickly name anybody that was like an extra on a show.
[729] in 1976 and then you can't I don't think Barry I love Barry I love Severance I love a lot of things that are happening today Hollywood Squares family feud not with the current host Yeah We're talking Richard Dawson here Richard Dawson All right star of the running man The rap sign's been up for 40 minutes Can you can we end this please Can we end my misery And you're gonna have a fun time editing this This is please end of this one End everything Let's end up let's This should just be the last of this We're gonna end this on a nice note Okay yeah There's more to do Which is guys You guys really riled me up.
[730] Well, should we vote on Smoors?
[731] Yeah.
[732] No, because I know what the, there's three of us.
[733] And you guys are very obvious about your opinion.
[734] That's them's the breaks.
[735] I mean, that's, we got to vote.
[736] We got to have a conclusion that's the whole point of this.
[737] Okay.
[738] I think I'm voting, I think Smoors are terrible.
[739] You think they're overrated.
[740] Yeah.
[741] And Sona, you think they're great.
[742] I think they're fantastic and delicious and perfectly rated.
[743] I love s'm making them.
[744] I love eating them.
[745] I could have another one.
[746] And that marshmallow was too big and that's all.
[747] But they're, it was still good.
[748] It was still good.
[749] Two out of three people went my way.
[750] I can't believe I've sided against you.
[751] You know how much this hurts me?
[752] Does it?
[753] You couldn't have even lied?
[754] Hey, Sona, what's wrong?
[755] You can't accept the results of a free and fair election.
[756] You have to cry fraud.
[757] Remind you of anybody?
[758] Sure reminds me. Why don't you yell a little more?
[759] Keep that voice up.
[760] My people are going to storm this house.
[761] Oh, no. Yeah.
[762] Okay.
[763] We're going to insurrect Pasadena.
[764] Insurrect Pasadena.
[765] Well, there you have it.
[766] someone who's been in this country for six weeks thank you for joining us on summer smores with Conan and the chill chums I think you're doing remarkable We've still got another episode in studio to really reflect and wrap all this up to have a post -mortem talk about what discoveries we I'm going to ask that there'd be no alcohol at that one What do you mean?
[767] Because it's just not working out for me I think I'm having a good time I'm having a rock solid time When you listen back to this, you are going to go right to A -A.
[768] This is going to be your wake -up call.
[769] I'm going to go to a battery?
[770] Okay.
[771] Wow.
[772] Oh, God.
[773] It has to end now.
[774] I love you, Matt.
[775] But you know what?
[776] That's where I'm going to go against you.
[777] Okay.
[778] Well, now we're even.
[779] And now we can come back together as a team to team up against this guy.
[780] We're wrapping it up.
[781] I've tried to put a bullet in this mule for a while.
[782] And it keeps getting up and going, oh, stop.
[783] I'm a mule.
[784] I'm a battery.
[785] See, it is funny.
[786] I'll try again, right between the eyes of that fixed skull beast.
[787] Our thanks to Sarah and Amanda.
[788] Well, Sarah and Amanda did so much, of course, and thank you.
[789] And Amanda, thank you for your lovely hospitality.
[790] And I'm sorry about your husband's drunken and boredish behavior.
[791] I am too.
[792] He should sleep on the couch tonight.
[793] because you don't want your new daughter smelling this rum candy that is passing as a father.
[794] Good night all.
[795] God bless.
[796] Summer Smoors with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[797] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[798] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[799] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[800] Supervising, producer Aaron Blaird.
[801] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
[802] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm.
[803] Engineered by Will Bechton.
[804] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[805] This has been a team Coco production in association with Stitcher.