Armchair Anonymous: Sleepwalking

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined in spirit by Monica Padman.

[5] Today's Armchair Anonymous is concerning crazy sleepwalking experiences.

[6] And boy, oh boy, do they deliver.

[7] But real quick housekeeping, look, it's been brought to our attention in the comment section that seems we've been had.

[8] Duped, played a fool by one of the callers on pet sitting fiascos.

[9] Apparently, the story the kid told us was an urban legend about putting the dog in the backpack and getting tackled, which really, I got a lot of complicated feelings about it.

[10] One, shame on you.

[11] This is a place of honesty and anonymity.

[12] Two, really good job telling the story.

[13] Like, it really, the delivery was, it was about as good as I think he can get for an urban legend.

[14] We were had hoodwinked.

[15] So our apologies, you know, let's hope the arm cherries in the audience, we keep the integrity high.

[16] Let's keep them honest.

[17] All right.

[18] I love everybody.

[19] Enjoy crazy sleepwalking stories.

[20] Come and go, take them slow, keep I'm shining.

[21] Hi, how are y 'all doing?

[22] Hi.

[23] Oh, wonderful.

[24] Is this Jordan?

[25] It is.

[26] Oh, okay, what vibes are you getting?

[27] I got him immediately.

[28] And he's one of my favorite people in the world.

[29] Oh.

[30] Jack McBerrear.

[31] Yeah.

[32] Yes, yes.

[33] Do people tell you that you remind them of Jack McBerer?

[34] I have not heard that before.

[35] Normally I get Jared Kushner.

[36] Oh, okay.

[37] You know, that one can go either way for people.

[38] But a little more polarizing.

[39] But Mick Brer is the best.

[40] Yeah, do you know him, Jack McBerer?

[41] I don't.

[42] He was the page on 30 Rock.

[43] He was also in forgetting Sarah Marshall.

[44] He's a brilliant comedian.

[45] And he's from the South.

[46] Are you from the South?

[47] I am also from the South, yes.

[48] Whereabouts?

[49] I am here in Opelika, Alabama.

[50] Opelaca, Alabama.

[51] Monaco will know this.

[52] Opelika is the sister city to Auburn, Alabama, which is where Auburn University is.

[53] I know it well.

[54] That's my alma mater as well.

[55] And only about an hour and a half from Atlanta.

[56] I had lots of cheerleading camps at Auburn.

[57] I'm sure.

[58] A lot of good memories.

[59] Yeah.

[60] Okay, Jordan, you had a wild sleepwalking experience?

[61] I did, yes.

[62] Okay.

[63] So this took place here in Opelika, about two minutes away from my house now, is where I grew up, where my parents still live.

[64] So this was the early 2000s.

[65] I was probably 11 or 12 years old.

[66] So my brother and I shared a room our whole life, and he's three years older than me, so we had gone to sleep.

[67] And at some point during the night, I started sleepwalking, went out of our room, down the hallway, took a right through our breakfast room, took another right into my parents' room, and went straight to my mom's side of the bed, which would have been all the way around, to the other side of the bed, woke her up, and as she recalls it, I'm hysterically crying.

[68] and I tell her he's dead.

[69] So all I said was he's dead.

[70] So, of course, she perks up and her natural reaction is, who is dead?

[71] And I tell her, my brother is dead, and I have killed him.

[72] Oh, my God.

[73] At 11.

[74] Yeah, at 11.

[75] Oh, my gosh.

[76] You know, naturally at this point, she's skeptical, but also concerned, you know, and just wondering what's going on.

[77] And so as she describes it next, I was kind of furiously, like, wiping my hands and just kept saying, there's so much red.

[78] There's so much red.

[79] I didn't mean to do it.

[80] I'm so sorry.

[81] Oh, my God.

[82] So really just kept going.

[83] And I was inconsolable.

[84] You regretting Slane Abel.

[85] Well, I hope so.

[86] And at that point, she decides I should check on him.

[87] We go back to the room, my brother is there, my mom wakes him up, and it's like, you know, what's going on with Jordan?

[88] And he's like, he's been talking all night.

[89] Like, I don't know what's wrong with him, but I'm fine.

[90] So he goes back to sleep.

[91] I'm still crying, talking about how I've killed him.

[92] Can I inquire?

[93] I wonder if you're like my daughter, which is you think they're awake, but they're not.

[94] Like, you're still in some altered state, I'm guessing, right?

[95] You still think you have killed him despite seeing him and all that.

[96] Yes, I still think I've killed him.

[97] So my mom, you know, starts asking me, what happened?

[98] So I start describing to her what happened.

[99] As I'm describing that, I am talking about this scene that's taking place in China.

[100] Oh.

[101] I'm in a car.

[102] There was a kidnapping.

[103] Obviously, there was a gun involved.

[104] There were a lot of Chinese men that were surrounding me. Uh -huh.

[105] So what my mom begins piecing together is I have inserted myself into the point.

[106] plot of Rush Hour 2.

[107] I was racking my brain imagining where this came from.

[108] Which was the movie we had watched as a family that night.

[109] Okay.

[110] And you were the Chris Tucker character?

[111] Sure, yes.

[112] So at this point, she's maybe regretting that she'd shown her 11 -year -old Rush Hour 2, not realizing how much I had absorbed, truly, and taken in.

[113] But I'm still hallucinating and in that scenario, still thinking that he's dead.

[114] So it turns out that I had a high fever, and that was the first time it happened where when I have a high fever, I will either sleepwalk or hallucinate.

[115] So that has happened more in my life.

[116] So really quick, when people say fever dream, that's what I guess they literally are referring to?

[117] I guess so.

[118] Yeah.

[119] So that was the first time it happened to me. Do you get fevers often?

[120] Not often.

[121] If I do, it's typically a low -grade fever, but if it reaches a high point.

[122] 102, buckle up.

[123] Sure, yeah.

[124] So my wife has had to endure that a few times.

[125] Oh, my God.

[126] So she has woken to you doing other stuff.

[127] Yeah, typically it always goes to a very violent place for me. So she's woken up to me, like, shouting that there are shooters in the house or things like that.

[128] We had to stop watching Law & Order at night because those were what's the times that triggered it at that point.

[129] So I don't hunt.

[130] I don't have guns.

[131] So it's very random that that's sort of what infiltrates all.

[132] of these scenarios for me, but whenever it happens, it typically does, unfortunately, I guess, go to a very violent place.

[133] I think it's so funny that your mom's first reaction wasn't, to run out of the room and check on your brother.

[134] Right.

[135] I think she was shocked, but I think she was hoping that her 11 -year -old son hadn't killed her 14 -year -old son.

[136] You know, I hate to say John Bonnet Ramsey, but like, I mean.

[137] Because they think the brother is alleged.

[138] That's alleged.

[139] Alleged.

[140] Well, I'm going to bring this back to the movie on the war.

[141] Waterfront with Marlon Brando.

[142] One of his famous choices that made him a legend was Ilya Kazan wanted him to cry when he found out his brother was going to have him killed.

[143] And he said, you would laugh.

[144] There's no way you'd ever believe it.

[145] Even if you find it out.

[146] And I was thinking, yes, if one of my daughters woke up and said, I just murdered the other one, that's out of the realm of me to even entertain.

[147] That's interesting.

[148] That makes sense.

[149] Or that my brother was going to kill me at some point.

[150] What if you found O 'Neill had plot?

[151] He had hired someone here to off you, because he had.

[152] a sense that your money would go to him.

[153] I mean, it could happen.

[154] I want someone to check in.

[155] I don't want them to believe that he's...

[156] He would never do that.

[157] He would never, because he might, as he should.

[158] So you are careful about what you consume before bed, or just when you're feeling feverish?

[159] Yeah, just when I'm feeling feverish is when it seems to happen.

[160] But at that point, when I went to bed, I guess I didn't have a fever.

[161] And then obviously they found out when I woke up and had been in China killing people.

[162] A lot of Chinese people.

[163] Yeah.

[164] I have two girls that are, I think, about the same age difference as yours, so I try to put myself in that scenario of what would I think if my oldest or youngest told me that same thing.

[165] Well, congratulations on the two little girls.

[166] I found it to be the greatest thing in the world.

[167] Do you love it?

[168] I do.

[169] I love it.

[170] The three -year -old into anything yet?

[171] She's getting old enough to have favorites and preferences.

[172] Well, she's very into ballet right now.

[173] She's taking her first ballet class, so that's very exciting.

[174] But very into princesses and Paw Patrol.

[175] Oh, does she love Sky?

[176] She loves Sky, but really Zuma.

[177] No shit.

[178] I don't think that's a leading pick.

[179] So you've got a unique gal on your hands.

[180] Yeah, she has all of the stuffed animals, but Zuma's the only one that's making it into the bed with her currently.

[181] Oh, wow.

[182] Well, Dax was in the movie.

[183] I was in the movie.

[184] Yeah, I was a bad guy.

[185] If she hurt my voice, she probably would have some kind of PTSD muscle memory.

[186] Well, hopefully not a fever and wake up and hallucinate something.

[187] No. Hopefully that didn't pass on to her.

[188] Oh, my God.

[189] I think it's really cute that you get.

[190] fevers because honestly, I can't think of one that I've had.

[191] Maybe I've had them and I just never took my temperature.

[192] I guess I've felt sweaty a couple times, but like I don't know of any fevers I've had.

[193] Do you, Monica?

[194] Oh, yeah.

[195] Oh, you've had a few this year?

[196] I had a lot of fevers during COVID.

[197] Okay, and you took your temperature?

[198] Yeah.

[199] Oh, and what was the highest it got?

[200] I think during co -no.

[201] No, I had like a fever in COVID, like 101 .6.

[202] I don't remember exactly.

[203] I had one a few years ago.

[204] That was 104.

[205] Oh, my God.

[206] Yeah.

[207] What was that?

[208] A viral infection?

[209] Some sickness.

[210] Oh, wow.

[211] I don't know.

[212] Okay.

[213] Well, Jordan, thank you so much for sharing the story with us.

[214] And I'm almost wanting you to have, like, nighttime cams in your bedroom so that you could capture some of these night occurrences.

[215] Yeah, between that and my wife's sleep talking.

[216] Oh, geez.

[217] Does she yammer on at night?

[218] She's a teacher.

[219] So typically, she, like, sits up and starts pointing at, like, a whiteboard and teaching a lesson.

[220] or something.

[221] So it's pretty entertaining.

[222] Oh, that's wonderful.

[223] Yeah, my best friend, Aaron Weekly, I know he's falling asleep when I hear him start talking.

[224] He talks like all night long as he sleeps.

[225] And I'm about to share a hotel room with him for four days and I can't wait.

[226] I should have a recorder on hand for that.

[227] Yeah, but then you're going to listen to eight hours.

[228] If I wake up and I hear him do one of his things, hit record and go over and hold it to his face.

[229] Yeah, you should.

[230] Yeah, okay.

[231] Well, Jordan, very nice meeting you.

[232] Nice to meet you all as well.

[233] Yeah, I love the name of your town.

[234] Say it one more time for me?

[235] Opelika.

[236] Oh, it almost sounds like Vitaleigo.

[237] Skin disorder.

[238] Sure does.

[239] Yeah.

[240] Well, great meeting you.

[241] We're delighted that you're listening to us now in Alabama.

[242] Yes.

[243] Thank you all.

[244] It was a pleasure.

[245] Take care.

[246] Bye.

[247] Bye.

[248] Hello.

[249] Oh, my goodness.

[250] You're real.

[251] Well, are we?

[252] We could be a hologram.

[253] This could be a simulation.

[254] Yes.

[255] There's a lot of tests we would have to clear.

[256] Look at your hair.

[257] It's fat.

[258] And then it's got a ton of lift.

[259] Yeah.

[260] It does.

[261] It's a lot of propitia.

[262] Oh, congrats.

[263] Yeah, dermatologist told me that my hair was thinning when I was like 20.

[264] I'm 44 now, so it's working out.

[265] We're in the same boat.

[266] I started my propitia regimen at 27 and I quit it a year ago.

[267] Okay, why did you quit?

[268] Just testosterone?

[269] Yeah, Andrew Huberman.

[270] We had him on and he was like, don't take it.

[271] Just use a topical.

[272] That way you're not blocking your testosterone that you need, particularly your D .HT, the best kind of testosterone.

[273] Right.

[274] So I don't know.

[275] I'll throw that out there.

[276] You want to switch to a topical.

[277] Okay.

[278] All right.

[279] I'll listen to it.

[280] But fuck, is it working?

[281] I mean, it's working so well.

[282] And 44.

[283] You look really nice.

[284] You look great.

[285] You do look young.

[286] Well, my wife's in skincare.

[287] Oh.

[288] We live in La Cognada.

[289] Oh.

[290] So she has a place here in La Cognada, and she also works in Beverly Hills at a plastic surgeon's office where they have like a med spa in it.

[291] Oh, this is fancy.

[292] Monica, you should check it out.

[293] I'm thinking about getting some plastic surgery.

[294] What do you think it again?

[295] Some eye work done.

[296] My eye flaps.

[297] So maybe I'll meet her.

[298] She got it done.

[299] She had the eye thing done.

[300] Really?

[301] I'll message your producer who the guy is, but he's a guy in Beverly Hills and he's the guy.

[302] I bet it's the same person I already hit.

[303] A friend of ours had it and looks incredible.

[304] You should do it.

[305] It's amazing.

[306] Next time you see me, I'm going to have done it.

[307] No more flaps.

[308] So when Sleepwalkers return, then I'll get to see it for another story.

[309] Well, what'll happen is you'll start seeing me on TV again.

[310] The flaps are the reason?

[311] Another part of it.

[312] Every time I'm on something, people are like, what's wrong with your eyes?

[313] I'm like, ugh, I'm so sick of hearing this.

[314] Yeah, yeah.

[315] You know that.

[316] That's been happening for years.

[317] You look great.

[318] It's okay.

[319] You look great.

[320] I have bags and shit and some flaps.

[321] That's just the truth of it all.

[322] My father aged dramatically in that zone.

[323] This is all expected.

[324] It's funny, I've been thinking a lot about it and I was like, you know, if I knocked out one of my front teeth, I would go get a fix.

[325] I would have zero qualm about it.

[326] My eyes started failing.

[327] I go get Lasick.

[328] If I have flaps hanging over my eyelids and I can fix it, maybe I know.

[329] It's kind of that like David Sinclair.

[330] kind of thing.

[331] You don't have to accept the aging process.

[332] I don't know if he tells you to go get surgery done, but I'm going for it.

[333] Okay.

[334] So Paul, all right.

[335] You had a crazy sleepwalking experience.

[336] My sleepwalking problems got really bad from like age 18 to let's say 28.

[337] Oh, late onset.

[338] I feel like sleepwalking is a primarily a youth thing.

[339] Like kids are sleepwalking, mine are sleepwalking.

[340] I'm not as an adult.

[341] I used to as a kid.

[342] But the fact that years started at 18, did you have any life things happening.

[343] Exactly.

[344] It got really bad when I was 18.

[345] So I slept to walk my whole life, but it would be innocent.

[346] I got in a couple of really bad fistfights in high school.

[347] I couldn't stand bullies, and I probably should have walked away from it.

[348] But instead, I said to myself, you know what, I'd rather get my ass kicked right here than have to be fearful of you every day for the rest of the school year.

[349] It's a good program.

[350] And I'm going to guess what was happening.

[351] You were kind of a pretty boy, and other boys didn't like that.

[352] Is that what it was happening?

[353] Maybe I'm 6 -1 -75 -180, but I was always fighting a guy who was like, on the football team, 6 -5, you know, 225.

[354] So I think I was just trying to stick up for the little guy.

[355] And sometimes it just would end and you'd seem tough and everything's fine.

[356] But sometimes it wouldn't work out.

[357] Sure, sure, sure.

[358] They don't always go your way.

[359] Well, when you think it's going to end right then and there and then all of a sudden this guy's holding a grudge, you know, And then you're getting jumped, like, a couple weeks later.

[360] I think that shapes some of my night terrors for a period of time.

[361] What part of the country?

[362] Chicago.

[363] I'm from the suburbs of Chicago.

[364] This makes sense.

[365] This isn't really a California story.

[366] This is a Midwest story.

[367] Right, right.

[368] So growing up, I would have, like, kind of mild night terrors, you know, yell out in the middle of the night.

[369] I would run out of the room.

[370] My parents were always there to stop me and be like, hey, hey, you're okay.

[371] And then I'd go back to bed.

[372] So I graduate high school in 1996.

[373] Let me take a drink of water really quick.

[374] You know, wet your whistle, hydrate.

[375] Yeah, lubricate.

[376] Paul, you have a very elegant neck.

[377] Have you been noticing Monica?

[378] Yeah, I mean, jumped out at you yet?

[379] The skin in general, it's like pretty flawless.

[380] Yeah, but the neck is elegant.

[381] And there's veins popping, which you know I like vascular.

[382] So I'm now getting this flap here, this band.

[383] Oh, a gobbler.

[384] Yeah.

[385] Wait, what are you going to do about that?

[386] Because I hate my neck.

[387] Sidebar, how do we fix our neck?

[388] I have the same.

[389] Okay, so Ky Bell is the thing where it gets really bad here that I've had done.

[390] You've had it done.

[391] Okay, great.

[392] Yeah, it swells up.

[393] You look like a bullfrog.

[394] But it's worth it.

[395] But this is something different.

[396] This is like a band of like a tendon or something.

[397] I'm scared of Kaibel because doesn't it sometimes freeze up?

[398] I never worried about that.

[399] I had like two rounds, Don.

[400] Okay.

[401] It was totally fine.

[402] So you have two immediate options I can suggest right now.

[403] One is you grow a beard, right?

[404] So that's option number one.

[405] I can't grow a good one.

[406] Okay.

[407] So then number two is do what I did in the last three years.

[408] Just put on 30 pounds of muscle.

[409] then your neck will get twice as fat and then everything's handled and i've noticed like oh i was expecting more sagging but i've replaced it yeah well no wonder you have to go off propitia you need all that testosterone i got to have i got a bit of coursing through my veins all for his neck all to protect that okay we're off track okay yeah yeah sorry by the way we rarely talk to anyone in l .a and this is so on the fucking yeah the whole thing's about our looks this is great people in the rest of the country are so delighted.

[410] Okay.

[411] Okay.

[412] So I graduate high school in 1996.

[413] I go to Southern Illinois University.

[414] Carbondale?

[415] Yeah, you nailed it.

[416] My first semester had the best time.

[417] A bunch of new friends.

[418] Great time.

[419] No sleepwalking episodes.

[420] You know, I'm now on my own.

[421] I'm out of the house.

[422] Nothing happens.

[423] Things are great.

[424] I go home for the winter break.

[425] Good to see family and friends, but I've gotten a taste of the college life.

[426] I want to go back.

[427] What I didn't realize is in a town like that, over winter break.

[428] Going back early, nobody's there.

[429] So I pick up my dorm room phone, make some calls.

[430] I finally locate my buddy Jake and his roommate Sam, who live a half mile off campus in sophomore approved housing.

[431] I walk over there in the freezing cold.

[432] I get there, you know, 11 o 'clock at night.

[433] They live in this first story walk -up.

[434] So you go up 10, 15 steps.

[435] You get in there, the studio apartments you walk in, and there's a bed on one side, bed on the other, couch at the end with a big glass picture window, you know, looking over a dark alleyway.

[436] So typical kind of like college living.

[437] We go there, we hang out super sober night and, okay, we're tired.

[438] I ask, do you mind if I crash here on the couch?

[439] I don't want to walk back.

[440] It's literally scary in the door room.

[441] At least I have some people here.

[442] Okay, no problem.

[443] I run hot when I sleep.

[444] So there's nothing about my boxers.

[445] Throw on the blanket and good night, go to sleep.

[446] Around two in the morning, I have a night terror.

[447] When you sleepwalk, you're under the delusion of your dream, but you see the surroundings around you, because otherwise you'd be walking into a wall, right?

[448] So you see kind of your spatial surroundings, right?

[449] You're incorporating it in.

[450] So we're under attack in this night terror.

[451] And I don't know, some kind of battles happening, and somebody rolls a grenade or some sort of explosive into the front hallway, right by the front door.

[452] I stand up, oh my God, I'm about to die.

[453] I don't know if I have two seconds or 10 seconds before this thing explodes, and I'm blown to pieces, and I can't run out the front door because that's where the grenade is.

[454] So I take a deep breath, take a step back, and I jump through the glass window.

[455] Landing 10 feet below in the alleyway below.

[456] You pit bulled through the window.

[457] Holy shit.

[458] Oh, my God.

[459] Does that wake you?

[460] Not yet.

[461] No, I'm still under the delusion.

[462] I'm terrified.

[463] I'm scared to death.

[464] Oh, my God.

[465] So, like, in the movies, you see a stunk eye go through glass?

[466] It looks so clean and nice.

[467] You think, like, I could probably do that, right?

[468] In real life, it's jagged glass.

[469] You're cut to bits as you go through it.

[470] I put my fist through and jumped.

[471] So you're jumping through jagged glass.

[472] I land in the alley.

[473] way below, still thinking that place is about to blow up.

[474] And I just book it down the alleyway.

[475] So I'm running for about 50 yards, like 150 feet.

[476] I'm running around the end of that building and I look back and I'm like, oh, that's Jake's place.

[477] That's Jake's place and then it hits me. Oh, my God.

[478] I'm sleepwalking.

[479] Oh, my Lord.

[480] So you like woke up while you're sort of mid...

[481] Oh my God.

[482] Oh, my God.

[483] Oh, my God.

[484] And you're in your boxers, and it's winner, and your cut this shreds.

[485] You're lucky you didn't get a femoral artery or something.

[486] Right, and I'm so young, I'm not thinking about that at that point, but I'll tell you, I look down at my legs covered in blood.

[487] I have shards of glass embedded in and out of my thighs, the front of my chin, and the top of my foot.

[488] I didn't know it at the time, but I had completely severed three of the tendons.

[489] at the top of my foot that connect your toes so you can move your toes.

[490] I couldn't bend my legs because there was so much glass in there that if you were to bend your legs, it pulls on the skin, you know?

[491] And you were running with all of this in your...

[492] In shock, yeah, yeah, but now shock's dissipating.

[493] Oh, right.

[494] Here's the thing.

[495] Nobody knows I'm there.

[496] Because when you sleepwalk, the other people around you are sleeping.

[497] So the guys who were in the place, they just wake up to a broken window and Paul missing.

[498] Oh my God.

[499] And they don't know, I'm a sleepwalk.

[500] I would think a werewolf had come through the window and snatched you.

[501] They didn't wake up with that huge sound of glass shattering.

[502] Right, because a murderer doesn't smash to the window to get you.

[503] Only a were up.

[504] I think it happened so quickly and they're half asleep.

[505] It's just bash and I'm gone.

[506] I would think like, okay, the window's broken, Paul's gone.

[507] Paul in the middle of the night, threw something through the window and he got embarrassed.

[508] and now he's just left.

[509] That would be my most logical assumption.

[510] The funny thing is when I first noticed that, and I'm standing outside there, half naked in 10 degree weather, almost bleeding out.

[511] The thing I was thinking about was, oh, God, I hope nobody saw that.

[512] Right.

[513] You're so embarrassed.

[514] The embarrassment almost is more than the amount of pain that you're in.

[515] It is.

[516] It's the most powerful emotion we have.

[517] Anytime I've crashed a motorcycle, all I'm thinking on the way down is like, oh, my God, this humiliating.

[518] What is going to?

[519] Why didn't I?

[520] That's exactly it.

[521] That's the feeling.

[522] I've got to walk back about 150 feet to their window.

[523] So I'm thinking of myself, get to Jake and Sam's, and then we can figure it out from there.

[524] It probably took me 15 minutes to walk 150 feet.

[525] I was worried the whole time about maybe sitting down that I might fall back asleep.

[526] Because when you're sleepwalk, at least with me, you're still tired.

[527] I kept thinking I want to go to sleep.

[528] Yeah, yeah.

[529] And if I do that, then there's concerns of hypothermia.

[530] You know, there's, you know, concerns of bleeding out, whatever it is.

[531] I find after 15 minutes, make it to the window, the guys are looking outside the window.

[532] They see me. They're in shock.

[533] Yeah.

[534] Complete shock.

[535] There's me just covered in blood, shivering naked.

[536] Oh, my God.

[537] Hey, guys, can you come out here?

[538] They call an ambulance.

[539] Paramedics come, take me to the ER.

[540] All these doctors are like, wait, what happened?

[541] What drugs are you on?

[542] I'm thinking angel dust right away.

[543] That's what they literally warn you about.

[544] That's right.

[545] They think you can fly.

[546] Yes.

[547] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[548] The worst part about it was that they have to scrub the glass out of your wounds before they can stitch you up.

[549] So I have about seven really gnarly wounds.

[550] I saw the scars on my legs today.

[551] Seven really bad wounds that they have to stitch up.

[552] Of those seven, they had to inject, it was a numbing agent, so probably like lytic cane or something like that.

[553] Yeah, it makes it swell up too so they can get the stitches in.

[554] Exactly.

[555] So they had to inject each wound like three to five times.

[556] That's way worse than any of the things that.

[557] caused the cuts.

[558] Oh my God.

[559] That was the worst part.

[560] Yes.

[561] Oh, that's insane.

[562] Because they spin the needle around the side of there.

[563] Yuck.

[564] They stitched me up.

[565] I was in the hospital for like a day.

[566] I recovered.

[567] I was on crutches for like the next month, month and a half.

[568] They sent me home to recover because of the tendons of my foot.

[569] They didn't want it to tear open.

[570] My parents were the sweetest people in the world.

[571] They're so level -headed.

[572] They're like, well, is there like a sleep study place nearby?

[573] You could get checked out.

[574] Like, there's no textbook on this.

[575] And by the way, this podcast is cool that you guys are doing because my experience is really bad in like my 20s.

[576] I'd wake up outside next to a bus stop in the middle of night with some guy who just got off the graveyard shift looking at me like I just dropped from the sky or something like that.

[577] But I grew out of it eventually.

[578] And somewhere there's like a 20 year old kid that's going to listen to this.

[579] He or she is thinking, what the hell's wrong with me?

[580] Well, they're either going to grow out of it or die of it.

[581] Oh.

[582] Maybe it's a lesson like tell people if you're with people that you have this issue.

[583] It is.

[584] It is.

[585] It is.

[586] Well, my.

[587] My question to you is going to be, after that experience, my inclination, if I were you, would be to lock myself in rooms or asleep in a room without wind.

[588] Like, I would imagine I'd want to get myself in a padded room to sleep the rest of my life.

[589] The only thing that was always in the back of my mind is I did not want to sleep in a high rise.

[590] Right.

[591] Yes, because that would have been career ending.

[592] Although, I think those windows are a bit harder to walk through.

[593] I mean, I think you would probably knock yourself out.

[594] But if I were to swing open the patio door on the balcony, you know.

[595] Take a leap because you thought it was on fire.

[596] Oh, my God.

[597] I never felt too much in danger unless it was like a jump, like a high rise.

[598] And I never felt like I needed to tie myself down.

[599] Now, I've had some weird experiences.

[600] Let's say the crazy, like, being outside of the house would happen maybe twice a year.

[601] Well, there's 363 other days of the year that I'm fine.

[602] Right.

[603] And so I'm not going to strap myself down.

[604] You're a glass half -full guy.

[605] You're an optimist.

[606] take my chances.

[607] The other option would be to handcuff yourself to the bed.

[608] That's what I would do.

[609] You're a werewolf.

[610] I keep bringing up werewolves.

[611] By the way, that would be a good prompt.

[612] Are you a werewolf?

[613] Right in if you're a werewolf.

[614] Crazyest werewolf story.

[615] Well, Paul, this really delivered.

[616] Absolutely incredible.

[617] I'm happy for you and your wife that you survived that.

[618] You could have easily died.

[619] That sounds crazy.

[620] I'm scared for you, but now it's past, so I'm not as scared for you.

[621] I'm glass, mostly empty.

[622] Thanks so much.

[623] Thanks for chatting.

[624] Really great story.

[625] Oh, what a great experience.

[626] Thank you so much.

[627] You two are unbelievable.

[628] Oh, thank you, Paul.

[629] All right, be good.

[630] Bye.

[631] Bye.

[632] We've all been there.

[633] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[634] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[635] But for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[636] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[637] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[638] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[639] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[640] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[641] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon music.

[642] What's up, guys?

[643] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[644] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[645] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[646] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[647] And I don't mean just friends.

[648] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[649] The list goes on.

[650] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[651] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[652] Vines are so scary.

[653] Pretty fallible.

[654] They're very.

[655] Very fallible.

[656] Very fallible.

[657] Ooh.

[658] Hi.

[659] Hello.

[660] Devin?

[661] Hi.

[662] Yeah, that's me. What a cute name for a girl.

[663] I got to be honest.

[664] I was expecting a boy.

[665] Yeah.

[666] Yeah, I kind of figured I get that a lot.

[667] We made some stereotypical assumptions.

[668] Yes.

[669] And we made an ass of me and you.

[670] That's A -O -K.

[671] Where are you at, Devin?

[672] I'm in Ottawa, Canada.

[673] Oh, fantastic.

[674] We love our Canadian listeners.

[675] Our friends to the North.

[676] Yeah, there's lots of us.

[677] Did you watch the Super Bowl?

[678] I did indeed.

[679] Okay, and did you see that lovely Canadian Crown commercial, whatever that liquor is?

[680] Did you catch that one?

[681] I did.

[682] I can't say that I enjoy it myself.

[683] Okay, Crown Royal.

[684] Crown Royal, that's what it is.

[685] Yes.

[686] And were you learning things as I was in that commercial?

[687] Did you know the Canadians had invented that much stuff?

[688] I knew that they had invented some of it, but other things were definitely new for me as well.

[689] When they hit us with football, I was like, What's next?

[690] The U .S. Constitution?

[691] Wait, they invented football?

[692] Yes, you see the commercial is incredible.

[693] No, I miss a lot of it.

[694] They invented everything you think we invented and we're proud of.

[695] No, Canadians invented it.

[696] Oh, my God.

[697] You know, hats off.

[698] Pizza, yeah, they invented.

[699] Oh, my God.

[700] They invented wanton noodles.

[701] Oh, my God.

[702] No. I wish.

[703] Okay, you're in Ottawa.

[704] Is it freezing?

[705] It is right now.

[706] It is significantly warmer than it was last week.

[707] We were at minus 40 Celsius.

[708] Oh, my, that is unreasonable.

[709] Yeah, we were all upset for a few days there, but now we're back to reasonable winter temperatures.

[710] Oh, negative 40 Celsius.

[711] What is Calvin is negative 270?

[712] I mean, you're approaching zero movement of molecules at that point.

[713] Oh, my God.

[714] Yeah.

[715] Everything just gets suspended in stillness.

[716] Oh, my God.

[717] Okay, Devin, you or presumably someone you know, was involved in a crazy sleepwalking situation?

[718] Yep, it was me. Okay, congratulations.

[719] So this would be about five years ago now.

[720] My boyfriend and I had been dating for maybe a year at that point.

[721] And we went over to his mom and stepdad's host to spend the evening.

[722] So we got ourselves a bottle of wine.

[723] We were going to watch a movie.

[724] We went downstairs.

[725] I had a couple glasses of wine.

[726] Does downstairs mean the basement?

[727] Yes, the basement.

[728] Yes, yes.

[729] I found the movie terribly dull, so I fell asleep about 30 minutes into it.

[730] Was it chips or hit and run or without a paddle?

[731] No. From what I remember, the movie ended.

[732] I was escorted upstairs to the guest bedroom.

[733] I went to sleep, and that was the end of my evening.

[734] The next morning, I wake up, I leave the guest room and I'd go out into the kitchen.

[735] And my boyfriend's mom was sitting at the kitchen island with an empty bottle of wine, her.

[736] And she asks me if I remember going to sleep.

[737] To which I replied, yes, because I did, and I only had a couple glasses.

[738] I hadn't drank too much.

[739] So I told her I remembered.

[740] And she asked again, are you sure?

[741] And I'm now less certain that I remember going to sleep.

[742] She now proceeds to tell me how her evening went.

[743] Around two o 'clock in the morning, she was woken up by some banging around in the bathroom and the way that her bedroom is, her door was ajar and the door to the bathroom is open and she could see me in there.

[744] And I, of course, am getting completely undressed.

[745] Sure.

[746] As one would do it.

[747] Yeah.

[748] Someone else is home.

[749] Another person's home.

[750] Oh my God.

[751] So she's polite and turns around and says, okay, it's a mistake.

[752] And about five minutes later, I then barge into her bedroom.

[753] Fully naked.

[754] Apparently.

[755] Oh, allegedly.

[756] I cannot confirm.

[757] And she asks me what I'm doing.

[758] I don't really respond.

[759] I am trying to get into bed with her and her husband.

[760] This lucky son of a bitch.

[761] He is asleep through the whole ordeal.

[762] Yeah, right.

[763] Yeah.

[764] Apparently.

[765] Yeah, Betty, like he woke, and then he's like, okay, great.

[766] I'm going to stay like I'm sleeping and squint my eyes.

[767] Yes, squinting, squinting, squinting.

[768] I hope this goes on forever, squint, squint, no one knows them.

[769] I'm asleep still, make snore noises.

[770] I am then escorted back to my bedroom.

[771] Okay, mom takes you.

[772] Yeah, takes me away.

[773] And I go back to sleep.

[774] Really quick, does she wake her son up and go like, hey, your girlfriend is like trying to have a threesome he was sound asleep okay so I am now profusely crying and apologizing wait wait you are in the morning or you are in the middle of the night in the morning okay great great yeah yes okay is she being nice about it she was being very kind and now I'm explaining to her that I was not drunk and I've been sleepwalking since I was a child and have a history of trying to take off my clothes while I sleepwalk but I have a history of trying to take off my clothes while I sleepwalk But I hadn't done it in years.

[775] Yeah.

[776] So I run into the basement.

[777] I'm so embarrassed.

[778] My boyfriend is consoling me. He's trying to assure me that I will not be remembered as the naked girlfriend for the rest of my life.

[779] I am not believing a word of it.

[780] His mom comes downstairs and she goes, is it too late to say April Fool's?

[781] What?

[782] Right?

[783] No. Wait.

[784] What?

[785] And it is April 1st.

[786] No. Wait, but now I'm confused.

[787] How did she know about, how'd she know it would play so well that you had this history?

[788] She didn't.

[789] I love her.

[790] Wait, this really was a joke.

[791] A fool.

[792] So that's what I thought until this past Friday.

[793] Triple twist.

[794] When I informed my boyfriend, I would be telling this story.

[795] He goes, okay, so I have to tell you something.

[796] Okay, she was trying to alleviate your shame.

[797] Yes.

[798] She told me it was a joke because she felt so horrible.

[799] And it did in fact happen.

[800] Okay.

[801] Okay.

[802] Wow.

[803] That was a M. Night Shyamalan.

[804] We just got shamaland.

[805] Yeah, plot twist for me as well.

[806] Oh, that's so sweet.

[807] When she's making that calculus in her head, she knows that now she might be the bad guy.

[808] She's like, all right, I got a letter off the hook.

[809] I'm going to say April Fool's.

[810] God, she might think I'm a fucking monster.

[811] that I perpetuated that and let her cry.

[812] It's actually an act of heroicism because it was at her own expense that she was willing to save your feelings.

[813] Oh, yeah, quick thinking.

[814] She took the fall to save my embarrassment.

[815] And I also understand that she felt she had to talk to you about it to begin with because she just probably thought you got so drunk.

[816] And that you had a drinking problem.

[817] Which would have been a problem, exactly.

[818] But no, not the case.

[819] What's a bummer for me is that the way this will work out in my life is it's going to be one of my daughter's boyfriends who's going to be naked who's going to try to get in the bed you know what that's better no it's not why a big man this penis swinging around like athletic you can hand it's like you've seen a lot of penises like you can handle that if you're the girl and you you you were naked in front of your boyfriend's dad listen I'm less embarrassed for the boy which is silly because I'm sure the embarrassment's equal male or female but you're right I feel less bad for the dude I'll be like hey brother last night you fucking got in the raw and tried to get in bed don't do that shit again that's how it handled that keep your dick in your undies but then if he said if it's a girl yeah sweetheart you remember what happened last night okay can I let me get you a mug of tea can I talk about something hold on hold on hold on because we don't know it could be a girl we don't know we don't know what your life's going to unfold to be I prefer it It is a girl.

[820] Can I just give you a note right now and have Kristen have the conversation?

[821] Oh, absolutely.

[822] Yeah, that won't be for me. No, if it's a dude in the raw, that's my domain.

[823] That's right.

[824] And if it's a gal.

[825] Oh, my God.

[826] But I'll be that guy.

[827] Won't you?

[828] I know.

[829] That's why it's so upsetting because all these old dads are looking at you.

[830] How old were you when this happened?

[831] I was 21.

[832] Oh, that's the worst age ever.

[833] That's totally, you know, when you see a 21 -year -old in a movie, you're allowed to appreciate their nudity at any age.

[834] Guys, what are we talking about here?

[835] She's incapacitated.

[836] Well, now you're changing the dynamic.

[837] What?

[838] That's the truth.

[839] Now she's a victim.

[840] I'm the one laying in bed.

[841] Oh, my God.

[842] I'm the victim here.

[843] Everyone's asleep.

[844] Yes.

[845] I value my sleep.

[846] I need my eight.

[847] Oh, my God.

[848] I'm just saying if there's a young nude person in the room, personally, I'd prefer it as a woman.

[849] That's okay.

[850] That's fair for you to say.

[851] Yeah, that's okay.

[852] Well.

[853] And Kristen will probably prefer it's a captain of the football team from college.

[854] She doesn't care.

[855] She doesn't care.

[856] If it's a young person, she's just going to be like, oh.

[857] No, she likes young guys in movies quite often.

[858] I think in real life if this was happening.

[859] Real life's tricky.

[860] Yeah, agreed.

[861] Wow, this was great.

[862] Yeah, this was.

[863] Devon.

[864] Wow, double trick ending.

[865] Yeah, we love that.

[866] Oh, my God.

[867] Loss of Twist and Cerns.

[868] Oh, my Lord.

[869] And is he still you, he's still your person?

[870] He is, and actually, he's right here and would love to say hello.

[871] Say hi.

[872] I want to see this stud.

[873] I want to see who landed this guy.

[874] Hi.

[875] Oh, wonderful.

[876] Hi, Monica and Texx.

[877] Hi.

[878] Oh, my God.

[879] Of course you landed her.

[880] Look how sweet you are.

[881] You're so smiling.

[882] What's your name?

[883] I'm Ryan.

[884] Ryan.

[885] Oh, my.

[886] my god oh i love this combo so did you have any reservations about having to tell her the double hook ending i was going to go to my grave never telling her the truth yeah yeah i did not want to let her in but i thought dachs and monica would love it if this was real yeah so i had to rent the bandaid i would imagine you're weighing two different things like one is you want to protect your gal the other one is you don't want your gal out there telling a lie exactly you're like protecting her from ever finding out.

[887] I went in public.

[888] You guys kept that, you know?

[889] That was a Sophie's choice.

[890] I sat through this story a few times in my life.

[891] It's been five years.

[892] I've had to hold my tongue every time.

[893] And I wasn't going to let it happen with you guys.

[894] Oh, wow.

[895] I'm glad you're here, Ryan, because there's been some debate between Monica and I about whether your father was pretending he was asleep.

[896] Well, I think he was.

[897] What is your hunch?

[898] If my mom said, Devin, what are you doing?

[899] I think that might have.

[900] woke in a month.

[901] And then he would have been like, oh, this is too much for me to handle.

[902] Let's let the women deal with this.

[903] But taking a peek, though.

[904] I know.

[905] I believe that.

[906] And I don't blame him.

[907] You missed it all, Ryan.

[908] But I was saying, if I was your dad, I would have been like, honchoo.

[909] Like a bad squint.

[910] Really bad fake snore.

[911] I can't confirm that didn't happen.

[912] Exactly.

[913] And no one can.

[914] No one can't because Devin was asleep.

[915] For her sake, I hope it didn't, though.

[916] Yeah.

[917] And for your father's sake, I hope it did.

[918] Yeah, of course.

[919] We're rooting for a lot of teams here.

[920] Oh, my God.

[921] Oh, Ryan, I'm so glad we got to say hi to you as well.

[922] Congratulations on this Fox you've here landed for the last six years.

[923] Thank you so much.

[924] It wasn't easy.

[925] I bet not.

[926] All the dreams came true today.

[927] Oh, I'd love it.

[928] Love to hear that.

[929] Well, Devin, thank you for that story.

[930] And stay warm.

[931] Thank you so much for having me on.

[932] This has been a blast.

[933] take care i asked christin and then i also asked delta if it would be okay if i played that video of her and since this episode was really prompted by delta okay so context delta is three in this video she's in her dipe in a nutshell this video was found while we were in hawai and we watched it like ten times in hawai we've watched it five times since we've been home it's 10 o 'clock at night and bedtime is 7 .30 and she does not want to go to bed.

[934] And she's in a diaper.

[935] And so we're in a bedroom and she's twirling around with her cardboard paracel.

[936] Well, she will hear, I don't know how to pronounce then or still now.

[937] But this is Delta resisting going to bed.

[938] Delta, what time is it?

[939] 80.

[940] What happens at 80 o 'clock?

[941] What's Delta supposed to?

[942] Do you?

[943] Go to bed.

[944] You were supposed to go to bed two and a half hours ago.

[945] It's 10 o 'clock.

[946] Oh, oh.

[947] Your sister's been asleep for well over an hour.

[948] No, I want to go to bed.

[949] Would you rather be carried there or walk there?

[950] I don't want to.

[951] I'm supposed to get there.

[952] Because I could carry you like a little baby.

[953] Even I've got to go to bed now.

[954] Even for the adults, it's bedtime.

[955] I don't want to go.

[956] Go to bed.

[957] Do you want to just hang out in the living room while we sleep?

[958] Yeah.

[959] Okay.

[960] You think you could be quiet?

[961] Yeah.

[962] You do?

[963] Yeah.

[964] We should seriously on a weekend, let her try it.

[965] Can I please try it?

[966] Yeah, I think on the weekend I'm going to let you try that.

[967] This day I want to do it.

[968] Well, not on a school night, because you've got to be rested for tomorrow for school.

[969] But I am rested.

[970] I'm not tired.

[971] You know, but I think in 12 hours you'll be tired.

[972] No, until I will be not tired.

[973] And I should take your word for this?

[974] Yes.

[975] You should.

[976] Oh, I'm going to smack you in the penis.

[977] Why would you smack me in the penis?

[978] That's so me. Oh, the butt.

[979] If you don't let me see up, I'll be really kind and I won't be tired.

[980] You're threatening you with physical violence.

[981] Take that answer to you.

[982] Listen, I'm gonna leave you to mommy, but I want you to give me a hug and a kiss.

[983] Oh my goodness, do I love you.

[984] Can I have a kiss too?

[985] You have the juiciest lips in the family.

[986] You guys go to bed and make it, but I'll not go to bed.

[987] I can say that.

[988] I know I'm not tired.

[989] We can do that on the weekend.

[990] I'm not doing it now.

[991] I am doing that now.

[992] Boy, we send you next messages.

[993] Don't break your parasol.

[994] I know it's not mine.

[995] I know so don't break it because you're mad at me. That little parasol didn't do anything wrong.

[996] How do you say it?

[997] Parasol.

[998] Parasol.

[999] The parasol didn't do anything mean to you?

[1000] But you're mine.

[1001] I'm not fucking in the penis.

[1002] Okay.

[1003] Now, I am going to say that I am.

[1004] So just what you couldn't see is she did deliver three smacks to the three fmachs to the mons pubis and probably trying to get the butt too.

[1005] And a butt.

[1006] I'm going to smack you into penis.

[1007] in the butt What a special girl What would they say That was your moment of Zen What show was that?

[1008] John Oliver Yeah John Oliver So that was your moment of Zen Oh All right love you Do you want to sing a tune or something We don't have a theme song We don't have a thing song for this new show So here I go go We're gonna ask some random questions And with the help of our We'll get some suggestions.

[1009] On the flyer rhyme dish, on the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy.

[1010] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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