140 - Icebreakers & More!

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Go -bye.

[16] Oh, hello.

[17] Oh, hi.

[18] And welcome to a very special episode of my favorite memory.

[19] You guys, this is different.

[20] This one's different than the others.

[21] It's not like the others.

[22] It's much, much different.

[23] It's much easier than for us.

[24] That's right.

[25] Because we're just going to answer some questions you guys asked us.

[26] You guys have sent in general Q &A questions.

[27] You've also sent in some really amazing ice breaker questions that we asked you to send those kind of questions that you can pull out at a party when everyone's real uncomfortable.

[28] And so you sent us your best version.

[29] of those and now we're going to answer them for you yeah if we can and if not we'll have stephen it out that's right should we start with some goofy ones or should we get in the deep shit i mean all of mine are goofy great i don't i don't even for example okay i'll start with marlene would you rather eat ice cream that tastes like shit or shit that tastes like ice cream marlene why does shit have to be involved and you can't say neither right i mean like this you've you've restricted your world down to a really nasty and probably terrible tasting situation and listen everyone listening going I don't like this question just go you just know the rest of them are not going to be like that there's no other shit questions but I'm just I'm setting a a an example bar of the kind of questions we've been reading and the kind of questions that we're being asked can I just can I just can we just picture what it would happen if you were at a party and try to use that icebreaker like just everyone walking away to the far corner and leaving you in the middle of the room with that weird smile on your face eating shit hey okay anyway do you guys like shit um okay carly asks if you know the apocalypse is definitely happening in the next five minutes do you want to know no me neither that was easy yeah you like this one ashley asked what's each of your favorite stephen king movie and or book movie pet cemetery book it what about you um i guess a movie i'm not sure i guess stand by me book the stand and i didn't do that on purpose having the word stand in both didn't you but i love the book the stand so much yeah i just got so into it when i was 12 i couldn't believe what I was looking at.

[30] Mom, you're not supposed to let your babies read Stephen King.

[31] It was at a vacation, like, rental house on a lake.

[32] Oh, shit.

[33] That just, like, had books available?

[34] So there was this moldy old bookshelf that had all kinds of, like, easy readers.

[35] Yeah.

[36] So good.

[37] Yeah.

[38] So nobody really, it's not like my mom bought me that book.

[39] Or, like, even knew you were getting it.

[40] No. Everyone was on the round.

[41] It was vacation.

[42] Amazing.

[43] Okay.

[44] Here's easy.

[45] Bonnie wants to know, Karen, if we'd rather have snakes for arms or a mouthful of bees for how long, forever?

[46] Options.

[47] It's like, do you want to live in hell or special hell?

[48] Do you want to live in hell or hell where you're scared of your own arms?

[49] Well, Vince is scared of snakes, so I feel like I'd have to have a mouthful of bees.

[50] Yeah, because he'll be good with that.

[51] Yeah.

[52] He's fine.

[53] Yeah, because he's not scared of a girl with a fucking mouthful of bees.

[54] I mean, like, how do you drive with a mouthful of bees?

[55] You have to keep your eyes shut the whole time and then open it when you get out?

[56] your mouth?

[57] I mean, it does.

[58] Oh, because then they'd be in a car.

[59] Exactly.

[60] Do they stay in your mouth?

[61] Probably.

[62] The bee impact, like, it feels like you can control snake arm impact.

[63] Sure.

[64] Whereas the bee, you'd just be like, oh my God.

[65] Or like, you're gesturing to someone, go ahead.

[66] And then there's 50 bees in your car.

[67] So you're going with snakes.

[68] I have to do snake arms.

[69] Okay.

[70] Well, we're going to make a fine pair.

[71] Okay.

[72] Well, this is more of a, this is more of a Q &A question.

[73] Sorry.

[74] Will you both?

[75] Both tell us, this is from Becca, will you both tell us how you got your pets and how they got their names?

[76] Okay.

[77] You want to go first?

[78] Go ahead.

[79] Okay.

[80] I got Elvis.

[81] I don't know how to say this because I didn't, I paid for him, but it wasn't like at a mill or any, like a store.

[82] It was just this family in Marin who had Siamese, their cats, and they had kittens.

[83] That's fine.

[84] But it's not okay these days, but this was 2004.

[85] I mean, look, it wasn't a mill that's important.

[86] Yeah.

[87] And it was basically just they were like, look, we have Siamese cats.

[88] Our cat had Siamese cats and they don't come easy.

[89] So someone's going to give us money for this.

[90] Exactly.

[91] And I did.

[92] And I, yeah.

[93] And we went over there to take a look at my ex.

[94] And I looked, there was a couple kittens to choose from my look down.

[95] And this one looks up at me with his cross eyes.

[96] And I was like, this is our fucking cat.

[97] This is my cat.

[98] And then I was sitting on my bed with him.

[99] And my ex, my ex's dad had had had a signed photo of Elvis.

[100] And I was just staring out into the hallway.

[101] trying to think of a name for him.

[102] And I saw the painting or the picture.

[103] And I was like, oh my God, that's totally his name.

[104] I just knew it at that moment.

[105] That's great.

[106] You want to do one of yours?

[107] Um, yes, we just do one each.

[108] Sure.

[109] I got my dog George after I got divorced and I was scared to be in my house by myself.

[110] And I kept hearing weird noises.

[111] I've told the story when I thought there was a person breaking in.

[112] It was the raccoon.

[113] Um, so I was getting really scared to be home alone at night.

[114] And then I was like, oh my God, it's the perfect chance.

[115] I can finally get a dog because I'd want and one for a long time.

[116] And so I just went and got her.

[117] She was, I got her because it was at the Glendale SPCA and, or the pound over there.

[118] And she, they bring the dogs over and do a little park to show you each dog because it's a smaller pound.

[119] And when they brought her over, all the other dogs just seemed like standard dogs.

[120] When they brought her over, she didn't run and try to like lick me or anything.

[121] She went around in this little park and picked up all the toys and brought them into the center of the park.

[122] Oh, my God.

[123] And I was like, she's like doing, she's made a plan of how she's going to get out of here and I really respected her mind.

[124] Oh, wow.

[125] She's like a beautiful mind, dude.

[126] She was, she was just like, I will bring you all the treasures.

[127] And then I, I named her George Lopez and this, it was a very dumb inside joke with my friend Greg Barrett who made a hilarious joke.

[128] It's so stupid.

[129] It's not even worth explaining, but it was basically an inside joke okay but george is a good name george is a good name i really should have named her like georgie um just something easier to explain but um it does suit her yeah yeah it does um okay let's see are we going to get like you know personal let's see why not okay so here's one carra asks which hometown murders are your favorites or which have stuck with you long after you read them i mean for me swiss cheese pervert is forever you'll never forget it makes me laugh every time we talk about it.

[130] Any time someone adds on to it, I love it.

[131] Yeah.

[132] My favorite are the ones of like, can you believe my parents almost killed me when I was a kid?

[133] Yes.

[134] Yeah.

[135] Anytime there's like, can you believe my parent put me in the trunk of the car and drove us home?

[136] Just those real like, yeah, it's a real slice of life.

[137] Yeah, yeah.

[138] Especially because it's like, God, they were allowed to get away with so much in the 80s.

[139] Yes.

[140] This is very specific to like people in this state.

[141] But Georgia, what, this is from Catherine.

[142] What?

[143] What California freeway best describes your personality and why?

[144] Oh, I think that Arroyo Seco, the part of the 110 that goes through, it's the oldest freeway in Los Angeles, the original freeway, and it goes through, like, parts of Pasadena, and it's so old that they're still, because cars went so slow, that the on -ramps are stop signs, and you just have to fucking book it and get onto the freeway, and I'm an insane driver, so to me it's like a race track, and I just think it's so much fun.

[145] like vintage and classy and has like beautiful details and everything I couldn't agree more that that is the perfect description um I would say I'm the 170 I'm kind of like you have to be you have to live here to know about it sure to know about the benefits of it it's kind of on this it's over on the side it's low key but there's people that really depend on it it gets you from good like from places that you didn't know you can get to so quickly it's like secret it's secret it's short Cutty and eventually I'm going to drop you off at Six Flags.

[146] Why did I take a sip of water?

[147] Eventually in our friendship, Karen, and your friendship with Karen, she'll always take you to Six Flags.

[148] I'll take you to Roller Coaster Town.

[149] That's right.

[150] Okay.

[151] If you could only read one book for the rest of your life, or you can read them over and over, but only one book, which one would you choose?

[152] Asks Brandy.

[153] Shit.

[154] I mean, I guess it's going to be something along the lines of obviously like a silence of the lambs it's going to be a procedural it's probably going to be a crime novel of some kind but it's going to need enough stuff in it i almost said um the da vinci code simply because dan brown put so much shit into that like there's so many things there's like different parts and like you're reading a bunch of i've never read it but a bunch of books yeah he just he just went he was like what is the densest plot i can put into this book.

[155] So do you learn a lot from it too?

[156] Kind of.

[157] I think you have to know things already, which is a real detriment for me. But it's like, oh yeah, that big fountain in Rome.

[158] Oh, I know that.

[159] Yeah, yeah.

[160] Yeah, yeah.

[161] I know about that fountain in Rome.

[162] Then you can talk about that at parties.

[163] That's right.

[164] The fountain in Rome.

[165] But only like how there's like a dismembered head in it.

[166] Sure.

[167] Mine is, and I've read it 16 times maybe, and I still obsessive of it is middle sex by Jeffrey Genadies, I think is how you say his name.

[168] It is just one of the most beautifully written books I've ever fucking read.

[169] I adore it so much.

[170] I think everyone should read it.

[171] Awesome.

[172] Yeah.

[173] Yeah.

[174] I bet you I know books that are better written than the Da Vinci Code.

[175] It's fun.

[176] I'm trying to think of keeping it fresh.

[177] You know what this, that's why I love middle sex is it goes, it does go back and forth.

[178] So there are, it feels like there's a bunch of different stories in it.

[179] Yes.

[180] Now that I think, I should have said something, something Joan Didion.

[181] Whatever.

[182] Would she really, though?

[183] I mean, I love her writing.

[184] It's incredible.

[185] But, yeah, it's not.

[186] I don't know.

[187] I just want to be entertained.

[188] Carmen asks, would you rather always have a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth or have Cheetos all over your fingers?

[189] Oh, no. Always.

[190] Always.

[191] Popcorn.

[192] What about you?

[193] Yeah, popcorn's, I find when you have Cheeto powder on your fingers, it's very shaming.

[194] Yeah.

[195] You look like a little fat kid.

[196] You do.

[197] And it gets everywhere.

[198] Everyone's going to notice it.

[199] It's hard to get off.

[200] Like, you need a damp napkin.

[201] Yeah.

[202] Or your teeth.

[203] Do you ever scrape it off?

[204] That's what I do when you're alone.

[205] You let it build up.

[206] You eat like 20 in a row.

[207] And instead of sucking it off as you go, let it build up and then scrape it off, almost like a fruit roll up on your own thumb.

[208] Yeah.

[209] Yeah.

[210] Can I tell you if I once was at a barbecue place and saw a dude, you know, you lick your fingers and it's like, when you're alone but it's kind of gross when you see someone else to it yes he put all four fingers into his mouth at once and pulled them out and he was like on a date no and i was just like oh i'll never forget that did he make a noise like did it make a noise when he pulled it back out i don't think i was close enough to hear it but there's no way it couldn't and he probably was just like uh it wasn't even like a smacking i have one of my favorite people in the world a very good friend of mine he used to do that where when he was finishing up eating he would suck up, yes.

[211] And he didn't, it was very unconscious, just because he really enjoyed his food.

[212] Sure.

[213] And I remember, I would watch him do it and be like, if I didn't love you so much, this would infuriate me. It's just funny what boys like, or people don't, haven't learned yet, because they're just fresh out of the house.

[214] Or don't have to ever learn that girls do.

[215] Right.

[216] Do you think I want to fucking suck every finger?

[217] Yeah.

[218] That came out.

[219] It's strong.

[220] That was a strong taste.

[221] And a weird quote, if you just take it.

[222] but it's don't you oh me I forgot let's see oh hey Elvis we do have a question for you actually that's right who almost fell off the couch Rachel wants to know do you actually give Elvis a cookie at the end of each episode and the answer is abs of fucking lately he demands it he would scream in our fucking faces if not and that's how he's gotten trained so perfectly yeah he actually comes in at the end of almost to the end of every show It's time.

[223] Yeah, he gets the vibe.

[224] Darren asks, if you had three time jumps, when would you jump to?

[225] What are the three eras that you would like to go visit?

[226] I'd love to, as an adult, go into the 80s.

[227] No, I wouldn't.

[228] Fuck the 80s.

[229] Okay, 1940s, late 1800s, maybe 1850s, 1970s.

[230] 1970s instead of 80s.

[231] Yeah, I'd definitely like to go back to the 70s.

[232] It was so weird.

[233] Like, that's my, those are my most distant childhood memory.

[234] and it's like everything was brown, everything was orange, everyone had long hair and everyone was unattractive.

[235] And yet that was the world that we all lived in.

[236] Everyone was a ragamuffin in some way.

[237] Yeah, it was like very, the trend of like keeping it together had not started.

[238] It was weird.

[239] So do your best was not a thing yet.

[240] Not at all.

[241] It was like take it easy was what was going on.

[242] So seven, I'd say 70s.

[243] I would say, yeah, a Victorian England.

[244] whenever that is um you know i guess jack the ripper time 1888 would be pretty thrilling to go back to 1888 london white chapel um and then i think something weird like something medieval maybe or or maybe transylvania me yes or like creepy monks in the 1200s or something i wouldn't want to stay there long though because i think there's you know like 400 hundred years where it was just overt religious oppression and like the, you know, whenever the Spanish Inquisition was.

[245] For some reason or another, you're not surviving any of those Canaras.

[246] I don't know.

[247] Serial killers and one is, uh, a pox on you and your family.

[248] Right.

[249] There's actually a time, though, you know what it is?

[250] It's the, is it the enlightenment or the whatever?

[251] But it was like after the dark ages when everyone died, like literally half the people on the planet died of the black play.

[252] And so then suddenly there was land.

[253] for people there was enough food for everybody and that's how the is it either the reformation or the enlightenment that's how it happened is because suddenly everybody could be healthy because everyone died off and all those strong people survived and you want to come at them and fucking i want to be in that era after they bury the bodies yes when it smells the lease yes and people start going oh i'm going to look at my painting of an angel it's going to be nuts i want to be there for that whenever that was okay cool um 1505 Hey Karen Yeah Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers Obviously feathers Who asked that?

[254] Oh sorry That was Catherine Catherine Obviously feathers Catherine this is a very private question But yeah I think if it's going to It was going to help me fly Feathers 100 % But if I get covered in fish scales And then I'm able to swim like a fish Oh I'd rather fly I think I'd rather fly Because just because you have scales doesn't mean you have gills.

[255] Right.

[256] Smart.

[257] Right?

[258] So smart.

[259] Don't let her trick you.

[260] I'm not.

[261] Catherine is trying to get you to drown.

[262] Catherine's trying to drown me. Why are you doing that, Catherine?

[263] Okay, let's see.

[264] This is good.

[265] Alexandra asks, if you could create a magic vending machine that vended any single thing you wanted, what would you have it vend?

[266] And how much would it cost people?

[267] So like anything for anyone?

[268] yes and the cost and the cost the first thing I think of is epipens oh that'd be really nice and let's not have them be crazy Martin Shackrelli you piece of shit yeah yeah let's have them be like you can get an epi pen for 20 bucks okay great I want to say emergency anxiety puppies but I don't want them to be held in like a vending machine no that would be that sounds cruel so you're saying dead dogs for people that are nervous What about, okay, can my vending machine, no, not TikTok?

[269] No, okay, good, good, good, good.

[270] Can my vending machine be like a plush, happy home that's got, you know, acres of land?

[271] Okay, and then they can get a puppy.

[272] But it all ends in with like a one thing.

[273] Is a vending machine, is there a definition or can I, can it be what I want?

[274] It feels like it can be what you want.

[275] I feel like this is, yeah, it's not actually going to happen.

[276] So it can be whatever I want.

[277] So that's what I want, a puppy, once I'm having anxiety.

[278] attack.

[279] 20 bucks again.

[280] And then a puppy garbage can right next to it when you're done.

[281] Those things are expensive.

[282] I can buy so much dogs.

[283] Oh, recycle.

[284] You recycle a puppy.

[285] Recycle and live, everybody.

[286] Think globally.

[287] Then go ahead and act locally with those puppies.

[288] Go ahead and grab yourself a puppy.

[289] Emergency anxiety puppy.

[290] Um, oh, that was mine.

[291] Oh, shit.

[292] I keep forgetting them all the way down.

[293] Oh, sorry.

[294] Hey, Karen.

[295] Christy wants to know what odd smell you actually enjoy.

[296] Skunk.

[297] I actually got overtly mocked.

[298] I said that out loud in carpool in third grade.

[299] And every kid, for some reason, we had like 30 kids in our carpool.

[300] There was always so many children.

[301] I feel like you're imagining that.

[302] There was, no, there was hundreds of kids in this station waiting.

[303] And I said, we drove by.

[304] The 70s.

[305] Which, yeah, right?

[306] There was just so.

[307] Many people in a car.

[308] We didn't have to wear seatbelts.

[309] There was no limit.

[310] We, because we live.

[311] doubt in the country.

[312] We would be, we experienced smells of all kinds and there was people who were always hitting skunks.

[313] So we went through a particularly pungent skunk cloud and every, all the kids went and I being the young punk rock rebel that I am.

[314] Went in third grade.

[315] I actually kind of like that smell and then.

[316] Yeah.

[317] Karen's a sky lover.

[318] For so long.

[319] For so long.

[320] And then I was just like saying they're like, I have to get out of this town.

[321] Yeah.

[322] Then you did.

[323] The next day.

[324] How about you?

[325] I've said Elvis's breath before, but I think, okay, dry saliva.

[326] You know that's true?

[327] Do you know what I'm talking about?

[328] Yes.

[329] Because when I was a kid, when I was like, until way too old for it to be appropriate, I sucked my thumb.

[330] Oh, right.

[331] And held onto my blanket with my little blanket with the same hand.

[332] And so I would move the blankie around so I could smell the blanket because I was like obsessed with smells.

[333] Yes.

[334] And so there were parts of it that just smelled like my dried saliva.

[335] And so now even when I smell something that smells like, and I am comforted by it.

[336] That's funny.

[337] That's, I mean, I just, that's such a, that's such a good one.

[338] It's such, I would have never guessed that.

[339] It's so good.

[340] And I can't describe the smell at all.

[341] No, it's real specific, though.

[342] I think everyone knows that smell.

[343] Yeah.

[344] But you want someone, someone who's dried saliva, who they also love flossing.

[345] And that's key, right?

[346] Yeah, it's probably not anyone, just for anyone's dried saliva.

[347] No. Not just any, anyone who happens by.

[348] You know, not any.

[349] He won.

[350] Okay.

[351] I think you'll like this.

[352] Wait, did I do smells?

[353] You just did it.

[354] I think I did.

[355] Alexandra asks, describe your perfect grilled cheese meal.

[356] Oh my God.

[357] What cheeses, how much, what bread, any side, any drink.

[358] Fucking amazing.

[359] Okay.

[360] Sourdough?

[361] Yes.

[362] Ooh, or rye.

[363] How about sourdough rye?

[364] Shit.

[365] They have that?

[366] They fucking absolutely have that.

[367] Now, in my mind.

[368] In your mind's bakery.

[369] And that's like the big slices too, you know, like, so it's not just a small sandwich.

[370] Right.

[371] Sourdough rye.

[372] Like, and it would be a mix of like cheddar and maybe some mozzarella and what other kind of cheeses are there?

[373] Jack.

[374] I don't care about Jack.

[375] I like a little pepper jack.

[376] Well, you ask me. And then I said no. So a couple different cheeses.

[377] And then tomato.

[378] I love tomato and a grilled cheese sandwich.

[379] Okay.

[380] I also love to dip it in ketchup.

[381] Oh, me too.

[382] Don't, you know.

[383] 100%.

[384] Buttery as fuck.

[385] and then sweet potato tater tots on the side and then a really nice glass of red wine with it beautiful do you love that um i think mine's very similar except for i would do straight up sourdough cooked well so that that bread is toasted up nice it better be crispy as fuck it needs to be crispy it's also great if they can get a little accidental cheese on the outside so it's like crispy and griddled yeah so you get some of that like cheese Yes.

[386] I would like, I would maybe like, I don't mind American cheese in this scenario because of the texture.

[387] Just American cheese?

[388] Well, if they could do a American cheddar that doesn't taste like a chemical plant, that's great.

[389] Essentially, it's anyone, like, it's basically a diner grilled cheese sandwich.

[390] Yes, for sure.

[391] And then regular shoestring fries, I dip mine and ketchup as well.

[392] Don't judge everyone.

[393] No, it's really delicious.

[394] It is.

[395] It actually brings it all together.

[396] Bacon in there?

[397] No. Just classic.

[398] Tomatoes are too slippery.

[399] I don't like a half -cooked fucking tomato invasion.

[400] I don't know why I love it.

[401] Invasion.

[402] I don't mind some chicken noodle soup on the side of that.

[403] Is that what your drink is?

[404] Iced on ice with a straw.

[405] I'm going to get a mug of an iced chicken noodle soup with a truck.

[406] A chicken noodle soup milkshake on the side.

[407] Oh, God.

[408] Yeah, that's good.

[409] Oh, it's my turn.

[410] Now my saliva is.

[411] Mine is.

[412] Can let me smell it?

[413] Yep.

[414] Let's see.

[415] Bridget wants to know if you could live in any movie as yourself, not as a character.

[416] What movie would that be?

[417] Amadeus.

[418] What?

[419] Picture it.

[420] How hilarious.

[421] There's like a girl in black sweatpants and a black v -neck shirt just standing over on the side and Amadeus like, look at these guys go.

[422] Look at these idiots.

[423] Look at these outfits.

[424] How do they put these on every day?

[425] I really love that movie so much.

[426] just talking about it at work today.

[427] I love it so much and that like the art design in that movie and everything about it is so ornate and insane and beautiful.

[428] Like it would be, I would love to be in any of those places for real and seeing all those people in those outfits.

[429] That's great.

[430] Yeah.

[431] The first thing that came to my mind and I don't know why is Notting Hill.

[432] It just always seemed like a really charming place movie to be in.

[433] Sure.

[434] You know?

[435] Yep.

[436] And then the next one was who framed Roger Rabbit.

[437] So I think that's the one.

[438] Yeah.

[439] That would be pretty fun.

[440] I think I would thrive in that atmosphere.

[441] Yeah, absolutely.

[442] Yes.

[443] And just I love, I'd always loved, I thought that was such a brilliant concept of like people having to interact with cartoons and what that means for both.

[444] Yeah.

[445] It's fascinating.

[446] Good one.

[447] Thank you.

[448] Thank you.

[449] Thank you.

[450] Dr. Whitney asks.

[451] Uh -huh.

[452] What celebrity could you actually see yourself marrying?

[453] I'm married already.

[454] This is just conceptual.

[455] It won't be held against you.

[456] Okay.

[457] It's like, okay, here's the thing.

[458] Slighting doors, you never met Vince.

[459] You're still here mucking around in the horrible singles life that is living in Los Angeles, she said, with a silent tear running down her cheek.

[460] Who's yours?

[461] Because yours, it could be, yours, let's, it could be fucking real.

[462] Let's put it out into the universe.

[463] It has to be a scars guard, or a sorrows guard.

[464] It could be real only if it's a SARS guard or a Scars guard.

[465] No, I think the one that came to mine first and the one that feels great is Mark Ruffalo.

[466] Even though I know he's married, he has children, he's like all about it.

[467] Oh, he's such a husband.

[468] He's a man. He's like a real man. He's not like, he's not like a hot boy.

[469] Yeah.

[470] He's to me, like if he pulled up Jake Ryan's style and was waiting for you outside an event and he was just like, hey, I just wanted to, I had, I might.

[471] I might run, it would be so exciting.

[472] Because he's just like there.

[473] Run into his arms?

[474] I might run straight into his arms.

[475] I love it.

[476] Okay.

[477] It'd have to be, for me, a Duplas brother.

[478] Really?

[479] I think the one from, which one's the one from Transparent?

[480] I don't know.

[481] Jerry.

[482] Is it Jerry the Rebel?

[483] Stephen, look it up.

[484] Is it Pierre?

[485] Nope, keep going.

[486] It's changed, dude.

[487] It's Pierre Duplas.

[488] It's Leslie.

[489] It's Leslie.

[490] Leslie Dupluss.

[491] The one with the long mustache.

[492] Yeah, yeah.

[493] Not the short mustache.

[494] Jay.

[495] It's Jay, isn't it, Stephen?

[496] Is that too real?

[497] I feel like that might be too real.

[498] No, I think people want it.

[499] It is Jay.

[500] It is Jay.

[501] Jay Duplas.

[502] That's exciting.

[503] Mm -hmm.

[504] He makes good documentaries.

[505] He makes great stuff.

[506] He's cute.

[507] He looks Jewish.

[508] He's not.

[509] Neither has been, so clearly doesn't matter.

[510] Yeah, that's right.

[511] I like that pic.

[512] He's a great actor.

[513] Okay.

[514] Thank you.

[515] Hey, this is exciting.

[516] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[517] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[518] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[519] Who killed Saz?

[520] And were they really after Charles?

[521] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[522] This season, murder hits close to home.

[523] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[524] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[525] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[526] Who knows what will happen once the camera.

[527] start to roll.

[528] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[529] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[530] Goodbye.

[531] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[532] Absolutely.

[533] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

[534] Exactly.

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[550] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[551] Goodbye.

[552] Deborah's starting some shit here.

[553] She wants to know if there's anything in your upcoming book that you're either really excited or nervous for people to read about.

[554] There's a one story that you fretted over?

[555] No, I mean, the whole thing, because it's a memoir, so it's like there's all kinds of honesty and true stories and shit that we delve into, that we were forced.

[556] There's a lot of vulnerability.

[557] We were forced into vulnerability, and it's difficult.

[558] I would say there's the one that I wrote about how to be a latchkey kid is my favorite.

[559] It's my favorite.

[560] I'm excited to see.

[561] So you're nervous and excitement.

[562] You're excited for it?

[563] What's the question?

[564] It's not which one you like the best.

[565] It's, uh, is there anything that you're either really excited?

[566] Oh, yeah, you're wrong.

[567] I'm wrong.

[568] It's excited.

[569] You're not wrong.

[570] Oh, yeah, you're wrong.

[571] Excited or nervous for people to read about.

[572] Yeah, yeah.

[573] All apologies.

[574] That's nice.

[575] It'd be that one.

[576] And then I'm like nervous in general, of course, entirely.

[577] Um, because it's, I think it's, we're just going to keep on learning how vulnerable we became.

[578] Yeah.

[579] Because it's so normal to us that with the stories we told and, like, you wrote about that.

[580] Yeah.

[581] I wrote, but the one I wrote about, and I had told you about it.

[582] And the first time I ever told anyone about it was you in the podcast is going up on a mountain to take photos with a photographer I barely knew alone.

[583] Yeah.

[584] And it gets, there's a lot more shit to it that I didn't talk about with you.

[585] And it's just kind of a scary, a name changing, scary, you know, I hadn't changed names in it and shit, scary story that is really exposing that I'm nervous about.

[586] Yeah.

[587] But I'm also excited.

[588] tell it so well good yeah well then let me just ask you this Aaron wants to know but I'm asking okay you're fighting crime and you get a supernaturally intelligent animal sidekick would you rather have a gorilla or a bear I've always wanted a pet bear same here yeah same here so cute I mean the idea that a bear would be smart so they wouldn't like mull the shit out of you yeah and would just hang out with you and it's essentially a dog then yeah a big dog what smells.

[589] But a dog that you could sit in like one of those children's oversized chairs?

[590] Like a husband like the husband pillows.

[591] Do you know those?

[592] Yeah.

[593] Hey, let's ask one for Stephen.

[594] Okay.

[595] That Stephen could answer.

[596] Hey, Stephen, Christine wants to know how did Stephen become the sound engineer?

[597] Did you know him previously?

[598] I mean, I was just a fan of both of yours.

[599] Oh.

[600] Why didn't you say that sooner?

[601] I know.

[602] I should have opened with that.

[603] No, and just in getting into podcast producing And I asked Georgia to be on the percast And Georgia was like, oh, you seem to know what you're doing Would you want to ever do more of this?

[604] Like I'm starting a little true crime podcast with Karen Kilgariff And I was like, hell yeah, I'd love to do this.

[605] This is like the most fun thing in the world.

[606] And you lived like a block for me at the time too, which was great.

[607] Cool.

[608] Well, thank you.

[609] You're fired.

[610] We didn't.

[611] But you didn't know Stephen before percast.

[612] right we had met a few times like at meltdown yeah yeah just through going to comedy shows yeah oh nice yeah yeah that's it not me i didn't know steve at all brand new and i tried to have him fired a couple just a couple georgia cordney asks what are your thoughts on psychics mediums and the like i think they're cool and fun but it really frustrates me when i listen or hear about an old or current investigation that like legitimately uses them because i think it's just impossible and it's a waste of funds and time.

[613] You're totally wrong.

[614] You're 100 % wrong.

[615] It's real.

[616] Didn't you ever see psychic investigators that series?

[617] And it's like these grisly old cops that you can tell are not in any way woo -woo at all.

[618] And they find a person that's like, yeah, you're going to need to drive up here.

[619] And then they find the body.

[620] No way.

[621] I swear to God.

[622] I think it's called psychic investigators.

[623] I'll watch it and I will.

[624] It will make you a believer.

[625] Okay.

[626] It's pretty cool.

[627] I want to believe.

[628] I think it's like, personally, I think it's case by case.

[629] There's definitely a lot of phonies out there.

[630] Like anything.

[631] Yeah.

[632] There's a lot of people that are totally full of shit.

[633] And then I also think there's people that were born with different perceptions and have known things and do know things.

[634] And like, it can't be explained.

[635] But it's like not helpful if it's not specific.

[636] It has to be so specific to be like, I see that they're buried it near a lake or some shit.

[637] And it's like, well, they actually, cops spend or the you know the investigation spends money on those that those people right and sometimes they find them and you know what else you're right and also it also are you yes anding me yes I am yes and I am uh it also gets uh publicity for the case too so that's and then so maybe that'll stir some memories up and shit the only thing where I think it's it it is awful is those people that fucking try to prey on the family right those people should be killed by a different psychic who's right with their mind.

[638] Okay.

[639] That was a bit strong.

[640] But I do think those are, you get the true sociopaths on the lowest of the low, where they're like, I can reunite you with your departed, loved one.

[641] That's just the meanest thing you could ever do.

[642] Okay.

[643] And the cheapest thing you could ever do.

[644] It sounds like you don't agree with me. No, I agree with you.

[645] I just don't know how you can tell those people from the real ones, though.

[646] Like, what if those people think they're legit?

[647] The real ones get results.

[648] But you won't get, if you don't keep throwing shit out there, what if you don't, what if you think you're right?

[649] Well, yeah, I mean, like, there's a whole spectrum of like, it's not black and white, there's all these gray areas in the middle.

[650] But there are, I mean, like, I wish I could just show you this one episode of psychic investigators where the lady was like, I need to tell you something because I dreamed it.

[651] And let's drive up to this place.

[652] Was it Teresa Caputo?

[653] She was Teresa Caputo -esque, but sure, her hair was not blonde.

[654] she had that feel she was like I know that lady yeah oh okay my turn yeah Caitlin wants to know would you rather be alone forever or be with the person of your dreams perfect in every way Karen except that person has lobster claws for hands 100 % lobster claws yeah you can handle lobster claws you'd probably eventually come to really love lobster claws prefer lobster claws yes because the person's perfect in every way then he knows how to fucking wield those lobster claw hands The question was asked by a person that's never been alone in their fucking life.

[655] Or been with someone with lobster claws.

[656] Which are amazing.

[657] Which happened to be.

[658] Amazing.

[659] Colleen wants to know, and I don't know why.

[660] If you were butter, what would you spread yourself on?

[661] Colleen, what's happening?

[662] My grilled cheese sandwich.

[663] My lover's lobster claws.

[664] Oh.

[665] Karen, that is so dirty.

[666] And this is.

[667] Q &A after midnight.

[668] Can we talk about how excited Ritten Scott when we pulled up in, uh, in, what was it, Charleston?

[669] And there was a fucking red lobster across the street.

[670] It was so close to our hotel.

[671] It looked like the hotel was like in, in conjunction with started rambling about cheddar bay biscuits and it was over.

[672] He was like, I'm heading over.

[673] So funny.

[674] We left him there.

[675] He was excited.

[676] I was like, sorry, that sounds like fish.

[677] I can't.

[678] Oh, right.

[679] I can't do it.

[680] someone's Christina wants to know do you record all your live shows how do you know which show recordings to post and will we ever hear some of these show recordings that do not get posted oh it sounds like someone needs to join the fan call well excuse me Christina it turns out that we're posting old episodes that we've never post or old shows that we've never posted as episodes every month on the fan call and one's about to drop on Friday we haven't picked which one it is yet um Chris asks who was your childhood crush Corey Feldman oh really yeah wow A hundred, a hundred times over.

[681] Yeah.

[682] So in love with him.

[683] I, you know, it's funny.

[684] For some reason, we started watching clips of the outsiders at work today.

[685] I loved C. Thomas Howell so much.

[686] So much.

[687] Did I tell you the story already?

[688] Maybe.

[689] I loved see Thomas Howell from the outsiders.

[690] And he was also just like, you know, the Tiger Beat teen for the next, you know, five years or whatever.

[691] And I used to have this thing.

[692] all the time when I was younger.

[693] Like, if we would go to the beach on the weekend with, like, I'd go with my family when I was 12.

[694] I'd get ready, but I'd be like, get ready just in case C. Thomas Hallows.

[695] I would always, it always do this thing of just in case, get ready as if.

[696] So cut to 30 years later, probably.

[697] And we go to see the movie Red Dawn at the new art theater here in L .A. And I, of course, have a very large sweatshirt on, no makeup.

[698] You didn't get ready for C. Thomas Hullough.

[699] Didn't get ready.

[700] and then the guy goes up into the front of the theater.

[701] I was like, it's the 1985 film Red Dawn, and we're so excited because tonight see Thomas Howl is here, and he fucking stands up.

[702] He was like two rows in front of me. And I was just sitting there like, no way.

[703] Like the time that I, I mean, it was, I'd done it a lot, but it was just like, oh, this, I should have gotten ready.

[704] Why didn't I get ready?

[705] And then after they showed the movie, which is delightful, he got up in front of the movie theater.

[706] and just started talking massive shit about, like, just telling Hollywood stories and talking about, it was so funny.

[707] He was just being really real.

[708] Like, this, that movie was like the fourth movie he'd done with Patrick Swayzee, and he's like, man, I was sick of that asshole.

[709] Like, it was like that, the whole theater was just enthralled.

[710] It was so exciting.

[711] I really, I love that.

[712] And speaking of Patrick Swayze, I was in love with him as a kid and I, dirty dancing I saw in fourth grade, got a perm because I wanted to, look like Jennifer Gray so bad.

[713] Obsessed with it.

[714] Favorite movie ever.

[715] We recently put it on and it is so problematic and troubling.

[716] Yes.

[717] That this 16 year old girl is fucking what essentially is a 30 -something year old man. At least 30.

[718] At least 30 something.

[719] It's so, there are so many problems and yet I was, it was like my first time that I ever was like, oh, I want to grow up and fuck someday.

[720] Like I just was like, this is it.

[721] I want to be and do this all of it.

[722] this is what love is this is how it is another thing i think is kind of problematic in that is that yeah he's kind of supposed to have this like there's another woman in his life yeah and he's really mean to her yes until like the very end horribly or me really rude not that cool and her poor father what's his name jerry orbach who's the most amazing man and like how can you how can you disobey jerry orbach i know jennifer gray so not not that anymore That's so funny.

[723] That's a good one.

[724] Denise wants to know, if you could know the truth behind every conspiracy, but you would instantly die if you hinted that you knew the truth, would you want to know?

[725] I'm not a good secret keeper.

[726] I want to know.

[727] I feel like the burden of knowing would kill me. Like, if right now all of a sudden I was like, aliens are real, they live directly under this city.

[728] Here's who could kill JFK.

[729] Yeah.

[730] Like the whole thing, it would just be like one.

[731] your mind would like quite literally be blown out like probably it just fuse out yeah just kind of dribble out of your ear um but i think i would want to go for it yeah because i'm just it's just so interesting to me yeah to like all the like what are the pyramids for yeah is it what if it's not a conspiracy though and you don't get a know oh like it doesn't count they're like they just wanted to build a thing oh i'm like i'm only here for the pyramids it's just a tomb they just wanted it.

[732] No, it's supposed to be a big light generator.

[733] And then what if, like, what if, what if, what if, what if, what's his name did kill JFK?

[734] And there was no conspiracy at all.

[735] I'd be, I'd be at least okay with that.

[736] Then you'd at least know, too.

[737] Yes.

[738] I would more, I would more want to know of like the cryptozoology type of like, do we actually have a big foot in captivity?

[739] Lizard people.

[740] The lizard people.

[741] Center of the Earth conspiracy stuff.

[742] in charge of the government right now that's right um yeah i want to know all that stuff i think i wouldn't because a what's the point of knowing really cool interesting things if you don't get to tell people about them at parties and shit like and you don't get like to be known as the person who knows everything what a fucking boring life yeah what am i talking about i would like that would be the worst for me right and then also too it's like so much fun to speculate and so much fun to try to find out the truth quote or you know like what you think is the truth yes then what's if you just knew, it would be like, oh, well, I guess I'm not, what am I going to do late at night scrolling when I, you know?

[743] You just sit there, like, rocking back and forth.

[744] Yeah, so I'm never going to look up Jean Bonnet again.

[745] I mean, but the thing is, I've watched so many episodes of ancient aliens, and I just would love to know a couple things.

[746] There's some stuff happening in Japan.

[747] I just really love to know the answer, too.

[748] I'll tell you.

[749] This.

[750] And then I die.

[751] What am I died?

[752] She's like, you must know the truth.

[753] Turns out, I knew that this whole time.

[754] Which one?

[755] Which one?

[756] Tell me. Well, this, the most recent episode of ancient aliens actually watched it when we were on tour.

[757] And there was just this whole thing about this Shinto religion.

[758] It's like 5 ,000 years old.

[759] And it has a lot of symbolism that they interpret, of course, because they interpret everything on ancient aliens as being from messengers from beyond the sky or whatever that narrator does.

[760] What's beyond the sky?

[761] That's not what he says.

[762] It sounded okay to me, though.

[763] But there's like a couple, there's like Shinto temples.

[764] In Japan where there's things that they, there, no one can explain it type of thing, but only, like, they only, only certain people have access, but they were showing pictures of, you're like, clearly that's a fucking alien, a spacecraft or whatever, right?

[765] Well, there's, like, masks from 5 ,000 years ago where they're like, how did they make a mask out of metal that also has a, like, the eyes are poking out, like, sticks?

[766] Wow.

[767] Why would they make eyes look like that?

[768] Unless they're, like, trying to show lasers coming out of fucking eyeballs.

[769] or something of aliens it's just fascinating I love it I know too I don't want to How about we make Stephen know And then he has to die No yeah okay Like Jesus he has to die for us What if that What if the truth of the That mask I don't even know if that was actually From Japan or for somewhere else But the long eyed mask The person I made it's like I just fucked up that one mask Yeah Don't go crazy I saw a guy who got sticks poked in his eyes And so I made a mask It's just to represent it.

[770] It bummed me out and I wanted to work through it.

[771] Buy aliens.

[772] By aliens.

[773] But there really are aliens.

[774] Did you just do Buy Menon?

[775] I did.

[776] Good.

[777] I did.

[778] I had to.

[779] Okay, your turn.

[780] Emma asks if you could have your food water taste like one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

[781] Food and water only tastes like one more thing, one thing forever?

[782] Yeah.

[783] Dry saliva?

[784] Yeah.

[785] Oh.

[786] Oh, God.

[787] Beef jerky.

[788] Really?

[789] Maybe, yeah.

[790] Crackers?

[791] Beef jerky.

[792] Beef jerky.

[793] Because like, I feel like I want to say like chocolate, but I think I don't always love sweet.

[794] So I feel like I'd get really fucking sweet of chocolate.

[795] Sick of sweets.

[796] Yes.

[797] Jesus.

[798] So, but beef jerky is savory.

[799] True.

[800] I bet beef jerky water would sell really well.

[801] How much you want to bet?

[802] That's what's in my vending machine.

[803] That's good.

[804] Beef jerky water.

[805] How much?

[806] $500 a bottle.

[807] Nice.

[808] Good.

[809] Only the rich can taste this delicious product.

[810] Right.

[811] And you can make it yourself by just sticking a hole through a slim gym and sucking a water through it.

[812] Right.

[813] That's his straw.

[814] That's yours.

[815] Um, that's also a good invention.

[816] Boom.

[817] Slim gym straws.

[818] Stop hurting turtles.

[819] God heart hurting yourself.

[820] How good would that be in a Bloody Mary, a slim gym straw?

[821] Don't, you better trademark that.

[822] Why am I not working for a restaurant?

[823] No, you have to get out of here now.

[824] I honestly think I love nectarines so much that I think I could do nectarines and not be mad about it That's a much better one They're delicious That's great A real one, a good one that's ripe and all that Not like nectarine flavor Not nectar and candy flavor No, no, no No, legit nectarine All right, I dig it If there's a god powerful enough to ask this question Then they can make a real nectar I think so I hope so Melanie asks us, what is your most useless talent?

[825] That's a great question.

[826] That is a great question.

[827] I am, hold on, let me think, because I was just, oh, no, it's not useless, though.

[828] Petting Cats is actually a really useful talent.

[829] I would say mine is, in that moment after somebody brings delivery to my house, the, I turn around sometimes, if I feel insecure or self -conscious.

[830] No. I'll turn around and pretend I'm calling to.

[831] people that are in the house like and I'm really good at making it sound realistic where I'm like okay come you guys come on you can throw your voice and be like is the food here the food's here but I do it it's very like downplayed I'm not excited or whatever it's just like why why haven't you come out of the office yet type of thing so I think that I have I fooled so many postmates into believing there's one other person in my house to eat with me I have a question on top of that because this happened to me the other night what's the most amount of silverware they've given you in an order because we got four fucking silverwares the other night or like plastic wear what's the most you've ever gotten well here's the thing and this is gonna I'm really gonna reveal something but sometimes I get insecure like if I'll order a medium pizza and a salad or whatever that'll be like this seems like too much food so I'll just get two drinks oh so it just is like, there's potentially two people here.

[832] I thought you were going to say, like, two entrees just to be like, see, there's two people here.

[833] Oh, yeah, no, no. Does that, like, room service, too?

[834] You do that?

[835] Well, it just depends.

[836] If I already have a drink, then I won't do it.

[837] And I don't really care about room service because they've seen things that are like, no one should ever see.

[838] And it's not weird to be alone in a hotel room.

[839] No, and usually, I think it's just sometimes I'll order postmates and get, I'll be like, oh, I'll eat that tomorrow.

[840] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[841] Or do some weird thing.

[842] where then I just don't want, I don't know.

[843] The eating disorder mentality is very difficult to explain around stuff like that.

[844] But I just know that I've probably convinced maybe, I'd say, a normal, I mean, a reasonable estimation would be I have convinced six postmates that somebody else is in the other room.

[845] Wow.

[846] As I turn around, very casually shutting the door.

[847] Okay.

[848] Wow.

[849] Come on, you guys.

[850] Isn't that sad and ghosty?

[851] And everyone, like there's not just one person, it's you guys.

[852] I pretend that there's four small children, all under the age of five.

[853] Okay.

[854] Like you wouldn't hear any of that.

[855] Tammy, Elizabeth, Michelle, Carlisle.

[856] Tammy, Elizabeth, Michelle and Carlisle.

[857] Come and get your one pizza that I feel weird about eating because I was raised in the 80s where people felt free to tell you all about what you looked like every goddamn day.

[858] Enjoy food or have it.

[859] Okay.

[860] No. My useless talent is I'm really good at ordering.

[861] Like, I am, and you know this from me. It's your passion.

[862] It's my passion.

[863] I'm fucking great at it.

[864] If it's like a bunch of us, if it's just two of us, like, I am good at being like, here's what we're getting.

[865] Here's what, like, and I'll make sure that you're getting what you want and I'm getting what I want, but it's like fair.

[866] Yeah.

[867] And.

[868] But there's plenty of like table items to share.

[869] A little of everything.

[870] Yeah.

[871] Yeah.

[872] I'm really good at that.

[873] I'd say it's a useful talent, though.

[874] I wouldn't diminish that because sometimes, especially if you're in a group, you're sitting there staring at the men, you're just like, I don't fucking know.

[875] Yeah.

[876] And I'm also good at the end of the night doing the like, here's how much each person owes and being the one who like does the thing.

[877] But now I just pay for it.

[878] That's a very useful talent too.

[879] I guess I don't have any useless talent.

[880] Knapping, I'm really good at napping.

[881] I'm really good at fucking napping and waking up exactly two hours of napping.

[882] There you go.

[883] Yeah.

[884] like two without a fucking alarm it's like two hours sweet yeah that's it that's all that needs to be said truly oh i how about this last one which i just love okay um because i think it's someone who deserves his due and it is mackenzie asked my friend and i met you in charlotte north carolina this past weekend and we really enjoyed the music you had playing during the meet and greet who chooses the music you know who then April.

[885] He makes us a new mix every time.

[886] Yep.

[887] He wants it upbeat and fun.

[888] If we're like, we hate that song.

[889] It's off by the fucking next night.

[890] Yep.

[891] He is, he jams it.

[892] It's loud enough so that people can cry and tell us, uh, private things.

[893] But not so loud that I have a headache.

[894] Yeah.

[895] He's, he's the music dude.

[896] He gets it.

[897] He knows our jam.

[898] That's right.

[899] And he, because of his music taste, now I like the band the XX because of his good taste.

[900] Right.

[901] And also a lot of people have been saying how much they appreciate.

[902] So he takes the photos, the fans, the people in line give him their camera and then he takes photos of us.

[903] But he takes a bunch of candid ones beforehand of us just talking.

[904] And people have been saying how much they appreciate that.

[905] They don't even know they're there until they leave.

[906] So he does that and he's really good at it too.

[907] He's really good in general.

[908] He's just a good one.

[909] Fuck Jay Duplas.

[910] I don't need that motherfucker.

[911] I can go it to hell.

[912] I like how much you don't even want to conjecture about marrying a different person.

[913] It's bad.

[914] It's very sweet.

[915] Thank you.

[916] All right.

[917] Well, I think that's it, right?

[918] Let's wrap it up.

[919] Thanks for listening, guys.

[920] We'll have another one of these some days.

[921] I think of a weird question, then we'll answer it maybe.

[922] Yeah.

[923] And thanks to all of you who sent these ones in and gave us stuff to talk about.

[924] And stay sexy.

[925] And don't get murdered.

[926] Goodbye.

[927] Elvis, do you want a cookie?