Child Anxious? Won’t Push Through Tough Assignments?

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[22] So my assumption is if you have a strong will child, you have a child who struggles at times with anxiety, maybe new experiences, things that are, are outside of their comfort zone.

[23] You probably have a child who, when assignments get difficult, they want to shut down and they don't want to push through.

[24] And my assumption is, this is frustrating for you.

[25] So I want to give you a script that you can use, and I love this a lot.

[26] So I want to give you a script in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[27] So welcome.

[28] This is Kirk Martin, founder Celebrate Calm.

[29] We're thrilled that you're here with us.

[30] If you need any help at any time, email our strong willed son who did struggle with anxiety who did struggle with pushing through with assignments who would often do the minimal work necessary just to get by everything that your kids struggle with Casey struggled with so he can identify with you he'll help you email him at Casey C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com tell us what you're struggling with and we'll reply back personally with helpful strategies and tips and insights and he can help you put together a custom package of our resources within your budget or just go to celebrate calm .com and you can find we've got lots of sales on no BS program calm parenting package whatever you need so here's the deal last week I was in Kansas City and I had an opportunity to train teachers principals a superintendent and also school counselors in addition to talking to a a large gathering of parents as well for the community and so I wanted to really drill down at back to school time.

[31] And actually, this is good for any time.

[32] It doesn't matter if it's back to school time at all.

[33] But I wanted to drill down.

[34] And I had about five different things that I thought were really important.

[35] And I want to share the first one of those things in this podcast.

[36] And so let me give you the language first.

[37] And then I'll apply it in a lot of different ways and kind of break down why I like it and why I think you will find it effective.

[38] So here are a couple examples of what it would sound like.

[39] Of course you're anxious.

[40] Of course you're a little bit nervous.

[41] But I believe that you're capable of going there and I believe you'll have a good time.

[42] Of course this assignment is difficult.

[43] Or of course, getting thoughts from head to paper on a writing assignment is really difficult.

[44] But I believe that you're capable of writing a really good paper.

[45] So let's break this down and see why it's so important.

[46] And I'll give a little bit more color to this as we go through the podcast.

[47] So I love the phrase, of course, because what you're doing is you're validating, you're acknowledging the truth, which is it is difficult.

[48] And anxiety is normal.

[49] You are normalizing.

[50] You are normalizing anxiety.

[51] And I really want us to do that because we have made everything in our society things like, oh my God, I can't believe.

[52] They really struggle with that.

[53] And maybe they need to go talk to someone.

[54] And yes, sometimes your kids need therapy.

[55] But sometimes they don't.

[56] Sometimes what they need is an adult who validates, acknowledges, normalizes, and imparts confidence to them.

[57] See, that's what we're doing.

[58] Of course you're anxious.

[59] Of course, this is difficult.

[60] You're just stating the truth.

[61] And you are being the grown adult giving perspective saying, I've been around for a while.

[62] And what I know is going to new places can be, kind of scary because there's all kinds of new people you don't know what to expect right so rather than being like well honey there's no need to be anxious well what happens when we say that well a few things one is we're dismissing their natural concern we're dismissing and invalidating what they are actually experiencing because they are anxious because that assignment is difficult it is the same exact thing, and I say this at a lot of our live events.

[63] By the way, we're traveling live events, Florida, Texas, Virginia, Indianapolis, Kansas City, among others.

[64] So if you're interested in us coming and presenting in person, reach out to that young man named Casey and we'll come speak to your live event.

[65] It is so much fun in person because you get that interaction and I can answer questions personally for people.

[66] And it just provides such good perspective.

[67] And so when we're at live events, often I will joke, but it's not funny at all, that most men can't handle it when their wives are in a bad mood or just struggling emotionally.

[68] So what do we do?

[69] We dismiss, oh, honey, there's no need to be upset.

[70] I think you're just overreacting.

[71] Oh, that's helpful.

[72] And you know why we do that?

[73] Watch, the reason I would dismiss my wife back before I grew up because marriage is a really helpful thing in your marriage one of two things is going to happen you're either going to grow apart or you're going to grow up and become mature and see I was dismissing the emotions why because they made me really uncomfortable right and so when I would ask my are you okay is everything okay was I really concerned with how my wife was feeling?

[74] No. What I was really saying was your emotions, your disappointment, your frustration, being overwhelmed, whatever it is, your emotions make me really uncomfortable.

[75] So I need you to change that.

[76] And for everything to be okay, because that's why a lot of guys and women as well, but a lot of men, right, we ignore things.

[77] We dismiss things.

[78] We just throw, oh, there's nothing, we don't, you know, our son is just fine.

[79] I said that for years.

[80] Why?

[81] Because I didn't want to have to deal with the hard things in life.

[82] I didn't want to have to deal with the hard emotional things because it is difficult.

[83] Look, I'll validate you.

[84] Of course, marriage is difficult.

[85] It's a union of two selfish people with their own agendas and all kinds of flaws.

[86] that you don't even know you have from childhood stuck together under a roof.

[87] And then you have children on top of that.

[88] You have to pay the mortgage and you've got to navigate all these other things and all these misconceptions.

[89] And you never learned how to communicate well because very few of us did.

[90] So you have all of these hidden things and resentments.

[91] Of course marriage is hard.

[92] It's supposed to be hard because it caused you to grow up.

[93] Of course parenting a strong will.

[94] child is difficult.

[95] Of course, it's supposed to be difficult.

[96] Again, grow apart or grow up.

[97] So that's why we would do that.

[98] And so I'm acknowledging and I'm normalizing.

[99] Right?

[100] We have too many kids now that feel like something's wrong with them because they have anxiety.

[101] When if the adults, including counselors and therapists and teachers and parents, and that's why I was trying to get these helping the teachers and the principals who are in a position of authority to say, oh, no, no, no, of course you're anxious.

[102] Should be anxious.

[103] Coming to school in a new school here?

[104] Yeah, your stomach should be.

[105] Maybe some butterflies there?

[106] Absolutely.

[107] Do you know how settling that is to hear from an adult that, okay, so there's nothing wrong with me?

[108] No, there's nothing wrong with you.

[109] So the fact that you're struggling with that assignment, because watch what happens.

[110] Hard assignment.

[111] Your kids start to mutter things and tear up their papers and say, homework, stupid, I'm not doing it.

[112] And we say things, oh, honey, it's not that hard.

[113] You know, if you would just focus, you're so smart.

[114] And so what kids begin to internalize is, well, if this assignment isn't supposed to be difficult, but it's difficult for me, that means there must be something wrong with me and I'm stupid.

[115] right so first thing is let's normalize it now we don't leave them there right so i want it but then i pivot and say but i believe you're capable of overcoming this given the proper tools see i'm not making excuses well you know of course this is this is just so difficult i wouldn't even try you know going to new places yeah i i just would go back to your room you know what i would do i just call me name so I get upset so I send you to your room so you don't have to go because that's what happens inadvertently right I'm not making excuses I'm saying it's difficult oh but I believe you're capable when I give the child tools when I and see that takes me into problem solving mode right so with anxiety of going new places what I we often suggest and this is what I shared with the teachers and the principals was wherever you go, have an adult give your child a specific job to do, whether it's that new taekwondo class, whether it's in school, say, oh, I could really use your help.

[116] Listen, because those are magical words for strong well kids.

[117] They love helping other people, just not you as parents.

[118] So that teacher says, oh, I need your help because you are so good electronic stuff.

[119] And could you get school a few minutes early every day?

[120] Because when you come in a classroom, I could use your help with X. That can be very settling because when your child wakes up in the morning, then he's not freaking out about all the unknowns and things he can't control.

[121] His brain becomes focused on the job that he has to do that mission.

[122] And your kids often like helping other people.

[123] Of course that writing assignment is hard.

[124] Getting thoughts from your head down to paper, that's a difficult process.

[125] But I'm going to give you some tools so I could show you how to do that so it's a little bit easier for you.

[126] Because you're actually very bright and I hear your ideas when you're talking through them.

[127] And if we can just get those thoughts organized and onto paper, man, you're so creative.

[128] You have such a great imagination.

[129] You're going to write a killer paper.

[130] See, now I'm imparting confidence.

[131] But notice I said, I'm going to give you some tools.

[132] Now, I try to make these podcasts short, right?

[133] So I can't give you all the tools in this podcast.

[134] And this is not a sales pitch, just perspective.

[135] The reason that people who get our programs and download them and listen to them find such success and transformation is that I can provide a lot of context when I'm giving you 30 hours worth of materials in the calm parenting podcast, right?

[136] Or in a calm parenting package of materials.

[137] I can give you all that context and then I can give you 20 different tools for different things.

[138] And so that's why I encourage you to listen to that.

[139] But this, just for the sake of this week, let's start to do that language.

[140] And I'm going to give you one other tool.

[141] So hang in there.

[142] This is a really good one I'm going to end with.

[143] But let's normalize it.

[144] We're not dismissing.

[145] We're not shaming.

[146] We're saying, of course, here's the formula.

[147] Right.

[148] And I love this formulation.

[149] Of course, what you're struggling with is difficult.

[150] That's very normal that you're experiencing it.

[151] but I believe that with the right tools, you'll be really successful at that.

[152] So my energy is going toward problem solving.

[153] I'm validating and acknowledging, normalizing, imparting confidence.

[154] I'm not making excuses.

[155] We're problem solving.

[156] So let's try that and look for areas to do that in literally every area of your life.

[157] That would be helpful with maybe a young employee that you have, someone who's just starting.

[158] Of course you feel overwhelmed.

[159] When you first come to a new job, there's so much you don't understand.

[160] But look, I hired you for a reason because you're a good thinker and you have good skills.

[161] And I believe that once we give you the training, you're going to do really well here.

[162] See, so you're normalizing things.

[163] You use it in your marriage, right?

[164] In every aspect of your life, I normalize.

[165] I love the, of course.

[166] That's from the no BS program.

[167] That's where I first came up with this was coming up with, everybody said like, oh, I wish there was an instruction manual for strong well kids.

[168] So I was like, okay, I think I'll create one.

[169] So that's what we literally call it the no BS instruction manual for strong world kids because we tell you very straight out the fact that most of your kids are not going to do their chores at home.

[170] And you're going to get freaked out because you think that they're going to grow up and not be responsible.

[171] But it's absolutely not true because they probably just won't be responsible at home.

[172] but they'll be responsible outside the home, right?

[173] So here's the thing I wanted to end with, and this can be very, very powerful.

[174] I would share this with teachers, principals, and I want you to use it.

[175] Many of your kids do struggle with anxiety.

[176] Some of your kids struggle with an immense amount of anxiety.

[177] And so to have a teacher or principal to say this to them would be fantastic.

[178] Look, nobody knows how much.

[179] courage it took for you to come to school today.

[180] And I'm glad you're here.

[181] Could you imagine for some of your kids, not making a big deal out of it, but just saying, you know, no one knows how much of courage it took for you to get out of bed today and battle through things and get to school today.

[182] And I'm really glad you're here.

[183] Simple, short, sweet.

[184] That will resonate on a deep level with your kids.

[185] as a parent you can say, look, I know nobody else really understands this or knows how much courage that takes to get up and go to school.

[186] And I'm proud of you for that.

[187] That kind of tone, that kind of affirmation, again, you're normalizing.

[188] You're also, you're imparting confidence and you're identifying with them.

[189] It is a beautiful thing.

[190] So I encourage you to do that.

[191] If you need help, reach out to that kid Casey, because he understands all of this.

[192] He is an awesome young man. C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[193] I'd look into either the Calm Parenting Package because it gives you everything or the No -B -S program.

[194] Those would be my two things this week that I'd really focus on coming out of this.

[195] Hopefully, we will see some of you in some of these states, cities, where we're going to be.

[196] And again, reach out to us.

[197] We'd love to come visit you.

[198] And watch out.

[199] I think next week we're going to announce some boot camps, live boot camps, in several cities across the country.

[200] thank you for listening to this podcast.

[201] Please share it with others.

[202] If we can help you in any way, do reach out.

[203] We read every email personally, and this is a very personal mission to us, and we want to help you.

[204] Love you all.

[205] Bye -bye.