MFM Minisode 19

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only Martyrs in the Building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] Friend.

[17] What's up?

[18] Remember those commercials?

[19] What's up?

[20] I do.

[21] I like to remind you those every four.

[22] months.

[23] I love it.

[24] Was there a frog in those?

[25] That was a different Budweiser commercial.

[26] These were just the bros that were friends and they would call each other and say, Wessa.

[27] Is it like the show party down?

[28] Like, the character he plays as Adam Scott plays is basically like, it's a version of an actor in one of those commercials who made a shit ton of money and now is like dried up and has to work at a catering company.

[29] But I think it's based on the was up guys.

[30] Is it?

[31] Yeah, because he says it's like catchphrase.

[32] It's really, anyways, who cares?

[33] It's a great show though.

[34] Everyone should watch it.

[35] Such a good joke.

[36] It's such a good show.

[37] Please.

[38] Please, uh, Hulu the shit out of that thing.

[39] Oh my God.

[40] Is it on Hulu?

[41] I don't know.

[42] I was like, wow.

[43] It is a fucking great show.

[44] Uh, guys, it's a mini -sode.

[45] Hey, it's my favorite one hers.

[46] That's why you have that feeling.

[47] Listen, it hasn't happened yet.

[48] So basically we're in the future right now, but we just got home from our big weekend tour.

[49] Oh my God.

[50] It was a West Coast mini tour.

[51] We didn't get killed.

[52] Uh, that would be the most insane.

[53] I know.

[54] I know, but I'm, this is the tape that.

[55] It's deep and decides whether or not.

[56] to release when we're dead on our Patreon he charges like Stephen I want us to go on record and I want to say make the money dude please make the money as long as you don't kill us have that yeah you better not and also fucking Cassio keyboard theme song the big shit out of the beginning it should be like a four minute intro that's all be do do do boo boo boo boo boo and you have to listen you can't fast forward it yeah you have to I can't even right now you can't even Stephen even see it you can't even wow so thanks for listening thanks for thanks for coming to hey Vancouver hey Seattle hey Oakland that was the greatest you guys were the best crowds we've ever seen in the future and we in the future loved you so much and we were so great and you were so great thank you to the anonymous donor of a giant fucking envelope of money I mean that was unnecessary but appreciate it yes the pill dealer that we picked up in Vancouver was great.

[57] We donated the pills to charity.

[58] Yeah, those children feel nothing now.

[59] Thank God.

[60] And what a great?

[61] It's just a successful weekend all around.

[62] I feel like what?

[63] Yeah, totally.

[64] Still, my family's somehow mad at me. Anyhow, just kidding.

[65] My future stress, which I was just complaining to these guys, is I have 73 family members coming to, and old friends coming to my show in Oakland.

[66] and I'm positive everyone's going to leave angry in some way.

[67] And the only good news is my dad isn't coming.

[68] My sister sent me a text and goes, breathe easy.

[69] Dad's not coming.

[70] Oh, daddy.

[71] I want him there.

[72] I want to point him out and for everyone to wave at him.

[73] He'll come.

[74] We have to go to, you know what it is?

[75] We should ask to play Santa Rosa at the Wells Fargo Center, which is closer to our house.

[76] And it's a big old place.

[77] Great.

[78] I bet people would come.

[79] I wonder how much Joe would like or dislike me doing this right now.

[80] But anyway, I mean, every episode, we just throw out random places we want to go to.

[81] And people are, and then Cleveland's like, yes.

[82] And we're like, I don't know.

[83] I know.

[84] Sorry, Cleveland.

[85] We don't have any control over it.

[86] I mean, I have a fucking warrant for my arrest in Cleveland.

[87] They're not going to let me in there.

[88] But I have to say, Clevelanders are stoked.

[89] Yeah.

[90] They've been tweeting and, like, responding like crazy of like, please come to Cleveland.

[91] I got to say, Cleveland is, it's always one of those cities that I'm like, I bet it's fucking cool.

[92] Oh, yeah.

[93] You know, you're like, what if I moved from L. I'm much like New York.

[94] I hate New York.

[95] But then you think about these other places, you're like, Cleveland.

[96] Cleveland would be super fun.

[97] You could go change your identity and move to Cleveland and fucking do whatever you want.

[98] You know what I bet you can do in Cleveland?

[99] What?

[100] Well, for me, anyway, I could bulk up good.

[101] I could be like, I could start drinking again.

[102] I could eat.

[103] I only eat spaghetti mixed with chili.

[104] No reputation.

[105] It doesn't matter.

[106] I don't have to, like, in this town, like, I'm so hyper psychotic and secure.

[107] But then if I go to a town like that, it's like, I bet you would be a huge plus.

[108] Yeah.

[109] I bet you guys are like, I'm looking for a gal with a beer in her hand and a big old butt.

[110] I want a girl who can fucking deal with her shit.

[111] I don't want to fucking a little pretty miss. I don't know.

[112] That's not, it's not act like I'm not pretty.

[113] Well, you still be pretty, you know what I mean?

[114] Like a fucking skinny little big, big fake booby.

[115] I don't know.

[116] We're going down a bad path.

[117] I started us there.

[118] Let's just say Cleveland sounds fun.

[119] I'm trying to support you and I'm doing what you did to Jimmy Pardo.

[120] Exactly right.

[121] Exactly right.

[122] And Yeah, who wants to be pretty?

[123] What?

[124] That girl's, no, my God, stop.

[125] I'm not.

[126] Oh, also we're insulting.

[127] Yeah.

[128] Like all of Ohio right now.

[129] That's not how I meant it at all.

[130] Stephen, cut all of this.

[131] Stephen, I swear to God, if you release this episode, you will never have a Patreon page.

[132] God damn it, Stephen.

[133] Want me to go first?

[134] Okay, hometown murders.

[135] Let's do it.

[136] Let's do this and let's be serious about it.

[137] Go, can.

[138] This is out of Seattle.

[139] We're just there.

[140] the time we at the best fucking time everyone there's so thin oh my god um subject line holy fuck and i survived and mfm all in one oh hi karen and georgia i never thought i could actually pick a favorite murder you get it but this takes this one takes the cake and it's a hometown murder yes okay we begin in north bend washington a small town about 30 miles east of seattle it's a beautiful woodsy area close to the mountains and hiking and such.

[141] 26 -year -old Tennyson Jacobson is getting ready to celebrate her first Mother's Day when a man enters her home through an unlocked door.

[142] He grabs her by the pon - Fucking door.

[143] Lock your door.

[144] Lock your door.

[145] Like a fucking door.

[146] Oh, and quick reminder, it's been about six months.

[147] Clean out that fucking lint trap in your dryer.

[148] Who is just new listening?

[149] Karen's guy was a fireman.

[150] I get so stressed out.

[151] Clean out your lint dryer.

[152] Please.

[153] Clean out the lint.

[154] up.

[155] Even if it's not yours, if you're at the laundromat.

[156] Yeah.

[157] Just pull it out.

[158] Yeah.

[159] All right.

[160] He grabs her by the ponytail.

[161] Slams her on the ground and demands money.

[162] Before leaving, he hits her across the face so hard.

[163] His baseball cap falls off.

[164] Tennyson is terrified.

[165] He's going to hurt her seven -month -old baby that is in a playpen just feet away.

[166] But he leaves instead before Tennyson's mother, who had been in the bathroom, comes out screaming.

[167] Oh, comes out to her screaming.

[168] So he leaves, she starts screaming, and her mother comes out of the bathroom.

[169] She calls 911 and her husband, who had left the house just 15 minutes prior.

[170] A report is made, evidence is collected, blah, blah, blah.

[171] She showers and goes to dinner with her husband as planned that night.

[172] Wait, she got attacked and goes to dinner with her husband that night.

[173] Yeah.

[174] Well, albeit still shaken was the next line.

[175] But yes, that's what happened.

[176] Let's make it a quiet night in.

[177] For fuck's sake.

[178] Hey, you want to Netflix and like chill?

[179] while I come down.

[180] I get stuck in traffic and I'm like, we're staying in, like, we're canceling plans.

[181] For real.

[182] Oh, God.

[183] She's so sweet.

[184] Well, the next line is, I know what you're thinking.

[185] What the fuck wears the murder.

[186] Oh, it's not about what we're thinking.

[187] No. You don't know what we're thinking.

[188] What the fuck wears the murder?

[189] Just wait.

[190] Uh -oh.

[191] That same night, while in bed, the dog starts fussing so the husband goes to take him out.

[192] Tennyson tells him to take the baseball bat with him.

[193] He thought she was just being silly, so he grabbed.

[194] the wasp spray instead.

[195] They'd gotten advice that wasp spray is just effective as pepper spray.

[196] Good to know.

[197] Was there a run on pepper spray at the local Walmart?

[198] Good question.

[199] Anyway, the dog starts growling and the intruder is in the house.

[200] No, no, no. Just standing there.

[201] Husband begins to fight off his...

[202] Who the fuck?

[203] Why would you...

[204] Husband begins the fight of his life figuring this guy is going to kill us if I don't take care of.

[205] Yeah.

[206] He is fighting with him and struggling with him for a long time.

[207] Then Tennyson hears the scuffling, grabs the wooden bat and runs downstairs.

[208] She starts beating the hell out of him with the bat until it breaks in her hands.

[209] Girl.

[210] Pause.

[211] I'm just reading out the paper.

[212] No, I know.

[213] Pause.

[214] These two own a crossfit gym.

[215] They ain't no punks.

[216] But still, the husband is struggling.

[217] And while Tennyson is standing there, shocked.

[218] The husband yells help.

[219] She grabs the wasspray and empties the can on the guy's face.

[220] Fuck yeah.

[221] But it does nothing.

[222] What the fuck?

[223] Finally, she goes to the kitchen, grabs a knife, and just starts stabbing the fuck out of him at least 10 times.

[224] Oh my God.

[225] He finally stops struggling and the motherfucker keels over and dies while bleeding out in the dining room.

[226] The cops found the bloody knife in the kitchen sink with a chunk of it missing.

[227] Yeah, fuck yeah.

[228] You go girl get stabby with it.

[229] Did you write this, Georgia?

[230] No, what?

[231] I'm offended.

[232] did that you ever think that my dad wrote that he says you go girl all the time okay obviously it was determined to be self -defense and no charges were filed however there you have it wait no the best fucking i survived in my favorite murder all in one sorry this story is hell of fucking long but i love you guys keep it up stay sexy don't get murdered and the and just buy the fucking pepper spray you left out a huge part of this who the fuck is the guy what the fuck was he doing there how the fuck did he find them why did it pick on them additional detail if you have time.

[233] Oh, okay.

[234] She signed it and everything.

[235] They found a video camera with a tripod duct tape and a flashlight on the guy.

[236] A flashlight on the guy, but...

[237] A tripod videotape duct tape on the guy.

[238] That sounds like this.

[239] They think he may have intended an induction and sexual assault.

[240] Turns out he'd been recently divorced and Tennyson resembles his ex -wife.

[241] He also had a YouTube channel with monologues about...

[242] how women are evil and shit he lived in a trailer on seven acres and had driven halfway to their house that night before walking the rest of the way through a trail in the woods they found his shoe prints outside indicating he had been loitering or casing the place they don't know how he got in the house because they swear they checked the locks three times key he had a key I bet what did you say I bet he had a key somehow oh yeah if he was like stalking her and doing the work yeah but also how how how how did he not react to that wasp spray let's try it right now Stephen stand up because you know sometimes when people are on PCP they have no I was thinking about yeah I think anything sprayed in your eyes you're going to react I had an Uber driver a female Uber driver once we were talking about like how scary it is to be a new lady Uber driver late at night and I was like to have pepper spray and she's like no I have air freshener because someone told me that if you spray pepper spraying in a closed space, you're going to get it too.

[243] But if you spray air freshener directly in someone's eyes, it'll fuck them up, but it won't fuck you up.

[244] Yeah, you won't be choking or whatever.

[245] Rizage.

[246] Good tip.

[247] Well, that was fucked up.

[248] That was super fucked.

[249] I'm glad they survived.

[250] There's something about a person parking their car and walking the rest of the way that's horrifying.

[251] Determined.

[252] Yeah.

[253] Also, I think it's unfair that he gets to walk.

[254] He gets to walk through a trail in the woods.

[255] Like, Lottie fucking And we don't get to do that.

[256] Well, you can.

[257] No, I can't.

[258] It's your life.

[259] Just do it in the daytime.

[260] It's my death.

[261] With people.

[262] Okay.

[263] Do you want to hear the long one or the longer one?

[264] I don't know.

[265] Okay.

[266] Do you want to hear the one that says peptobismol bleach abortion anyone?

[267] No. What are my choices?

[268] Or six -person familicide in Vancouver, Canada.

[269] God, the choices are horrifying.

[270] Really?

[271] That one's not...

[272] That one seems better to me. A familial side?

[273] Famili -a -side.

[274] How do you say that?

[275] Like a family side?

[276] Yeah, like a familic side.

[277] Familicide.

[278] That's right.

[279] Is that right?

[280] Okay.

[281] I think so.

[282] Hi, Karen in Georgia.

[283] I'm from Vancouver.

[284] Oh my God, we were just there.

[285] Oh, my God.

[286] And my favorite, with a U, creepiest murder is one that happened in a suburb of Vancouver in 1983.

[287] A 22 -year -old man named Bruce Blackman, who was later diagnosed as a delusional schizophrenic, killed six of his family members early one morning.

[288] A neighbor was outside when it happened, having heard what turned out to be gunshots.

[289] Then he saw two people next door run out of the garage, only to be shot by a figure in the garage, who then came out and beat the man to death by a hammer or some shit.

[290] The worst thing about this murder, Jesus, is that the signs of very serious delusions were present for several weeks before the murders, but none of the family wanted to admit that things were serious.

[291] In fact, Bruce had started believing that he was being given messages from a Bible that he had found in the garage and that one of the only ways that, quote, true message could be received was if a person ate their own bodily fluids.

[292] Yeah, I think you know where this is going.

[293] So he started masturbating.

[294] Then saving his semen, that's not where I thought this was going.

[295] It was absolutely not.

[296] And wait, and eating it.

[297] Ew!

[298] But, okay.

[299] Nope.

[300] I mean, and that's end of it oh no um just a super gross story yeah also just the idea that that's coming from a bible in the garage yeah isn't it weird that like he could have been a cult leader if he had the right demeanor yeah like people would have been like he found he if he had a little more like outward yeah yeah instead of so inward right and then all these color is like god's talking to me and most people like he's fucking insane and some people like god's talking to him right what the fuck okay so he started saving a seaman but this wasn't enough for him because he wanted his family to get the message as well and so he started trying to get them to eat their own bodily fluids which of your brother so which they politely declined no thank you darrell he broke into his sister's house early one morning while she was sleeping and stole one of her menstrual pads in all caps from the garbage and all caps, made her a smoothie.

[301] This is disgusting.

[302] Owen also pages, using the blood and also pages from his Bible.

[303] Okay.

[304] Yeah, this isn't a good plan.

[305] No. It's not a healthy plan.

[306] What if it worked?

[307] She's like, ooh, what's this?

[308] A strange voice?

[309] What if it just worked?

[310] What if he's like the ban he put in was too ripe?

[311] And that didn't work because of that.

[312] You know, when you put it, it would have worked if he was like, a better chef.

[313] He put in flax seeds instead of chia seeds and like, that's why I don't know.

[314] And he negated his own super plan.

[315] Everyone knows menstrual blood goes with chia seeds.

[316] Okay, you do know that there is, there's some like, it might be in a movie or something, but there's something of like Italian, like old country Italian women, if they want to get, keep their man they put menstrual blood into the spaghetti sauce.

[317] No. It's in a movie.

[318] No. Yeah.

[319] No. That's how to keep your man or girl.

[320] he just like want to move on from that and i'm not ready um we can't we can stay here the thing is that like then what if that so then you get to keep your man but that's what you have done but you know that he's ingested your ventral everyone's dying who's listening to this right now happy valentine's day by the way oh my god it's actually literally it's not a week after the weekend it's actually we were lying to you guys it's fucking valentine's day i had to reveal I had to expose and reveal for the joke.

[321] So you didn't even think about it?

[322] I didn't either.

[323] Sorry.

[324] I'm sorry about everything I've done in the past 20 minutes.

[325] Why?

[326] It just feels that way.

[327] I mean, we'll be dead by the time of this.

[328] Oh my God, I hope we're not, Karen.

[329] Stop seeing it.

[330] I know.

[331] You know what today my therapist said to me instead of getting Xanax for this trip to just listen to Sigur Ross.

[332] Oh.

[333] Is that what they're causing in the month?

[334] Dude, you don't fucking clearly after a year and a half, you don't understand my anxiety.

[335] You don't get me. You don't get me. I love that, like, that's the thing that, like, I bet a bunch of teens would be like, I love my therapist to tell me to listen to Sarah.

[336] Yeah.

[337] Instead of fucking medicating me to the hilt.

[338] Oh, my therapist actually said, because I told her the joke we were making of that we need to get pills because we both have so much traveling anxiety.

[339] And she said, have you considered taking beta blockers, which are not, they're non -narcotic, they're purely, I don't know, throw that out there.

[340] I haven't ever had those.

[341] I don't know.

[342] I guess we have to go to our dealer.

[343] I'm quite.

[344] I bet they sell them in Canada.

[345] Around the same time, he insisted on making his other pregnant sister breakfast one morning.

[346] No. No. I'm good.

[347] I had breakfast already.

[348] I had a hard boiled egg.

[349] You don't let any fool make you breakfast.

[350] I had a hard boiled egg.

[351] But it was bitter, and so she didn't eat much of it.

[352] Smart.

[353] I bet it.

[354] She fed a spoonfuls to her dog and then threw the rest of it out.

[355] She sounds just as crazy.

[356] Afterwards, both the dog and her were so violently ill that the dog almost died.

[357] and she spent several days in the hospital and almost lost her baby.

[358] For fuck's sake.

[359] The family kept denying the signs of mental illness even after all these episodes.

[360] The night before the murder, he was staying at his parents' house and called both his sisters, who no longer lived there, saying that he had an important thing to discuss, and that the whole family had to be there.

[361] He was also talking about knives and some general gibberish.

[362] So the sister called Bruce's psychiatrist, who said that they should take him to the hospital immediately, and that he would have a room prepared.

[363] The father declined.

[364] Fucking fuck, man. The father declined saying that they would deal with it in the morning.

[365] Yeah, go to sleep with this person in your fucking house.

[366] Oh, dude.

[367] And then he thought that he could handle it for the night.

[368] That night, during the middle of the night, he shot and bludgeoned six of his family members, including one of the sisters who drove over after the phone call.

[369] Jesus Christ.

[370] And then the last line is, he was released with a new identity in the 90s.

[371] Knock, knock, knock, not what I thought the last.

[372] Maybe, wait, did I miss up the papers?

[373] Because that can't be real.

[374] No, that was it.

[375] That's it.

[376] That's it.

[377] For fuck.

[378] Stephen, you deleted a bunch of shit.

[379] His name was her name, the person who sent that was AJA.

[380] Aj.

[381] Aj.

[382] A .J .A .A. Aja, right?

[383] Thanks, Aja, for having nightmares happen to me. I mean, there's so many different versions of nightmare in that one.

[384] Because also just, I think of that all the time.

[385] Remember in LA when they did that news report and it was they had gone into all the different restaurants around town and gotten hidden footage of what they were actually doing in kitchens.

[386] And that's why they have the letter rating here now.

[387] Exactly right.

[388] That was right when I moved to L .A. Oh, my God.

[389] And I think about it any time I go to any restaurant.

[390] I just think, and now I give over the good faith that you are not going to put boogers in this salad or whatever thing you might feel the need.

[391] do.

[392] Whenever I eat like shrimp or scallops or oysters out somewhere, I think one of these could be a fucking time bomb.

[393] Like, I love them.

[394] I'm going to eat them, but one of them could be what just...

[395] Oh, because if they're off?

[396] One, like a clam.

[397] If one is off, you're going to be...

[398] And I know that.

[399] And I eat like...

[400] You know what I mean?

[401] Like when one clam is bad.

[402] Yeah, a time bomb clam.

[403] And you could just fucking be violently ill. You're hospitalized.

[404] The last time I had food poisoning, it was because of a Chinese chicken salad that I got at fresh and easy, a chain that no longer exists in Los Angeles.

[405] It was a great concept, but clearly they weren't either.

[406] Right.

[407] And I had such bad food poisoning.

[408] I was staying at my friend's house.

[409] I had just moved back from Chicago.

[410] And...

[411] Oh, God.

[412] Food poisoning at a friend's house.

[413] Yes.

[414] You don't want that.

[415] I was like, she was out of town for the weekend.

[416] Thank God.

[417] You got to be...

[418] I want to be alone as fuck.

[419] All I did, was lay on the guest bed and then get up and go into the bathroom and then come back and lay down and go back in took nothing for like full 24 hours and I have since that time have not been able to eat cabbage or anything cabbage like because that's what all all of it was Jesus ass is right literally yeah I bet you look real spelt afterwards oh my God I was finally beautiful hey this is is exciting.

[420] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[421] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[422] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[423] Who killed Saz?

[424] And were they really after Charles?

[425] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[426] This season, murder hits close to home.

[427] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[428] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[429] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[430] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll.

[431] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[432] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[433] Goodbye.

[434] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[435] Absolutely.

[436] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[437] Exactly.

[438] Exactly.

[439] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[440] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[441] That's right.

[442] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.

[443] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[444] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.

[445] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[446] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every.

[447] major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

[448] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[449] Connect with customers in line and online.

[450] Do retail right with Shopify.

[451] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[452] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[453] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[454] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[455] Goodbye.

[456] Let's see.

[457] This one says, a teacup is a terrible hiding spot.

[458] Ladies, flattery first.

[459] You're awesome.

[460] I'm a government drone and binge your entire show at work in maybe a week and a half.

[461] Got a couple co -workers hooked, too.

[462] Thanks for making our work days go by a little faster.

[463] And thank you so much for being open about mental health and sobriety.

[464] Fuck, man, the government's on to us now.

[465] Fuck, man. So this isn't a hometown murder per se, but I feel it's up your alley.

[466] as a grad student in the mid -60s my mom rented a basement room in a Seattle boarding house don't do any of those things basement Seattle no 60s boardhouse everything boarding house boarding house don't do it okay between school and work she wasn't home a whole lot and didn't really know her neighbors one dude was kind of creepy but not enough to phase her the landlady was a sweet elderly woman who kept the master keys in a teacup in her front hall no no no No, no. Can you hide my fucking housekey, please?

[467] I would say that.

[468] Sorry.

[469] I think I know what is this going.

[470] Okay.

[471] Mom lived alone and always kept her door locked.

[472] So one day she got home and found some of her clothing laid out on the bed as if she were sleeping.

[473] Oh my God.

[474] She didn't specify, but I got the impression that whoever laid the clothes out had also made a bit of a mess on them.

[475] That's sweet.

[476] I'm like, jerked out.

[477] She was like a mess.

[478] smart lady that she is, she got the fuck out of there, called her brother to help her pack up her things and never set foot in the house again.

[479] Good girl.

[480] A few years later, she got a call from an old classmate asking if she'd seen the news.

[481] Turns out, the creepy ex -neighbor had been convicted of stalking, raping, and murdering a young woman not too long after her mom had moved out.

[482] Oh, my God.

[483] She never knew for sure if he was behind the break -in, but I think it's a pretty safe bet.

[484] I wish I had more specifics, but she didn't recall his name or anything.

[485] She just kind of offhandedly sprung the story on me one day and never mentioned it again.

[486] I love moms.

[487] For real.

[488] The teacup is the bit that gets me. I know it was a different time, but seriously, a damn teacup.

[489] Love you guys.

[490] Take care.

[491] P .S. on the off chance, you end up using Mom's story.

[492] Could my name be left out?

[493] Well, I only said A. Oh, PPS.

[494] A while back, I was listening to you guys and let out this god -awful snort of laughter just as the big boss walked by my cube.

[495] I was embarrassed enough.

[496] that I lost the thread of your conversation for a second, so I skipped back to catch what I'd missed and did the exact same thing again while she was still in earshot.

[497] I wonder what it was.

[498] I want to know what it was.

[499] That's so good.

[500] That's so funny.

[501] Wow, that's fucked up.

[502] Creepy.

[503] I like that near miss. Do you think this is insane?

[504] I heard a thing, like, it was probably another one of those like undercover, you know, but this time about valets and that you should always, when you valet, you should always take.

[505] and I don't want to insult valets because I don't I this is whatever but like you know a nightclub ballet let's say not that fuck man yeah don't pick a type okay a valet yeah uh you should take your car key your house keys with you yes because it's spelled that you're at this restaurant they know you're not home they have your house key they have your address because it's on your paperwork in your car yeah and they can break into your house that was actually a storyline on an episode of CSI Are you fucking kidding me?

[506] Los Angeles, I think.

[507] I can't remember.

[508] But no, I think that's a common thing.

[509] It's just saying, it's like when Facebook first came out, and people would be like, I'm going to Tahoe for seven full days, and I can't wait.

[510] And then people would get robbed.

[511] Yeah, because you're telling everybody.

[512] So I think it's less like accusing or finger pointing at people who do the work of being of L .A. And more like, you have to tighten up your game so that you're just not kind of weirdly leaving your shit out all over the place.

[513] Got it.

[514] Okay.

[515] I love it.

[516] I tip very well.

[517] That's 50 cents.

[518] Well, also, there have been so many of those stories.

[519] Like, I can't imagine, especially in L .A. People are working their ass off.

[520] It's a good job.

[521] You get good tips.

[522] You're not going to steal 75 cents out of someone's ashtray or, like, press, make a mold of their house key.

[523] Like, you'd have, I mean, that's, why would you even be a valet if you're that kind of burglar?

[524] In L .A., your valets are so very.

[525] busy.

[526] You're running around.

[527] You're getting cars.

[528] You're dropping off cars.

[529] You're dealing with assholes.

[530] You're like, you don't have time to, like, go through the contents of their fucking trunk.

[531] It's the assholes that should be the people that everybody's like, here's a life hack to deal with these motherfuckers.

[532] All right.

[533] Last one.

[534] Let's instead do.

[535] I smoked pot with my parental hometown murderer.

[536] Okay.

[537] This is in Oakland.

[538] And then they said, close to the Fox Theater.

[539] Oh.

[540] We were just there.

[541] Greetings.

[542] Steve.

[543] even Georgia and Karen.

[544] Oh, that's a misstep.

[545] And is that why you picked that one, Stephen?

[546] You're fired.

[547] Hi, I'm IKEA.

[548] I'm Akia.

[549] A. A. K -I -A.

[550] Yeah.

[551] I'm so excited for your Oakland show.

[552] The venue is across the street for my job.

[553] Yay.

[554] We're going to fucking patronize the shit out of it.

[555] What is it?

[556] Kinko's coffee, we're there.

[557] I'm going to bring my whole family.

[558] All righty, I know there have been a couple times you've wanted a hometown murder for the city you're doing it in live shows.

[559] Here's one that happened less than five minutes from the Fox Theater in Oakland, California and happened kind of recently.

[560] Shit.

[561] When I was in high school, I lived a block away from my school in Vision Academy, downtown Oakland, like four blocks from the Fox.

[562] This girl wants to give out her fucking location.

[563] She doesn't give a shit.

[564] And I was notorious for ditching class.

[565] Girl, me too.

[566] Wait, and I was notorious for ditching glass selling pot to the kids at school and having a kick -ass room to smoke pot.

[567] We're hanging out with you, Akia.

[568] For fuck's sake.

[569] So this chapter, so this charter school was small, and there was one short ninth grader, Moses Kamen, who liked to make fun of kids because he was a total piece of crap.

[570] I hate kids like that, and on multiple accounts, I had to stand up for some of these unfortunate kids.

[571] I cannot stand this short shit for some reason, despite my outward hatred and somewhat bullying of him, he still tries to come in and hang out with some of the kids at my house.

[572] My answer was always no. I'm kind of confused.

[573] The exception being the day this kid, Moses, had at least a half a pound of wheat on him.

[574] Jesus.

[575] My boyfriend, a few smoking friends, this kid Moses, this grown -ass man, Moses brought, okay, this grown -ass man that Moses brought, and myself sit down in bed in the bedroom smoking for a good two hours.

[576] I maybe get back to school after lunch.

[577] I reeked a pot and chilled so hard through the rest of school.

[578] Moses came in was found guilty of first -degree murder of his father, and second -degree murder of his mother.

[579] He was tried as an adult and convicted to 25 years to life in prison.

[580] Susan Poff, 50, and Robert Kamen, 55, were Moses' adoptive parents.

[581] They lived near Lake Merritt on Avenue.

[582] Moses told police he argued with his mom when we were being suspended from in Vision Academy, the school we went to.

[583] He choked her with his hands and a shirt and hid her dead body.

[584] He waited for his dad to come in the fucking dark behind a door and strangled him from behind.

[585] Oh, my God.

[586] Seems like he'd be really strong to strangle it.

[587] Like, yeah, dude, right?

[588] Yeah.

[589] Moses proceeded to cover up his father's head with a plastic bag and sit on his chest with suffocating him.

[590] And then he wrote, what the fuck?

[591] The sadistic fuck looked into his face while he saw him gasper alive.

[592] Moses hid the bodies in the car and tried to burn it.

[593] So before I knew this, the day after smoking with Moses, a friend that was smoking with us was on the phone with Moses telling him, the best way to get rid of a body is to burn it I was under the impression from the kids I knew who were close and speaking to Moses that the large man that was smoking with has helped Moses to get rid of the bodies into the car so this was the day of I did not realize it was the day of Moses was the only person convicted of this crime and to the best of my knowledge is definitely still serving this clearly has fucking issues he was in and out of foster care a lot and suffered trauma with his biological family a year later Moses says this I'm sorry for the crime that I committed I hope none of you forgive me for my crime I know you all think of me as a monster or something else I'm just going to fade away I hope none of you remember me ever again Oh that's really sad The big bummer aside from like the death is the father was a psychologist in the San Francisco County Jail and the mom worked in the San Francisco Department of Public Health as a physician's assistant and neither of them could get him the help before the worst happened.

[594] I hope this doesn't sound far -fetched to you.

[595] As I was writing it, I still couldn't believe it.

[596] Stay sexy and don't get murdered.

[597] Akea.

[598] That is heavy duty.

[599] I didn't realize it was like, I felt like after we graduated, we found out that this happened.

[600] But she was like kind of in the mix.

[601] And insinuating it was like the day or the day after.

[602] It just makes me think of like, you know that thing?

[603] Like, I get a ticket on my car.

[604] Yeah.

[605] Then the next thing I go to, I'm bringing like this little, like this like, uh, thing with me, whether it be a birthday party or doing stand -of -comedy or whatever.

[606] Can you imagine, like, going, you go, you kill your parents and then you just go hang out and smoke pot.

[607] The one thing you can do that's going to make any tiny thing you're worried about, like multiply it by 1 ,000.

[608] Or say, well, what I was thinking was you get a parking ticket and you're so enraged by it that you hurt someone.

[609] Like, I think that's the thing is, like, the anger people feel, like, to do that is so not realistic.

[610] Like, you get angry and you get pissed off and you yell, you honk at a guy who's driving like an idiot, but this other person fucking kills someone.

[611] Right.

[612] Right.

[613] It's like what you're able to do and what you're able, like the capacity some people have to just, like, sit with things that would, like, put you into shock forever.

[614] Yeah.

[615] Or I don't even know what we're talking about anymore.

[616] The secret is Sigur Ross.

[617] He, Moses, listened to Sigur Ross.

[618] Mm -hmm.

[619] Well, that's a...

[620] Yeah.

[621] Um, we want to thank Oakland and Vancouver and Seattle.

[622] Guys, showing us a great time.

[623] The thing I loved was how after the show, we opened that stage door, and the citizens of each city were lined up for as far as the I could see on every city street.

[624] Oh, my God.

[625] And then we walked down the center of the city streets, high -fiving people.

[626] Giant key to the city waiting for us at the end of it.

[627] And then we took that key, and it opened the public swimming pool.

[628] And we just got to swim.

[629] And then we got to find out all the secrets to the cold cases.

[630] And Pearl Jam was there.

[631] Pearl Jam was there.

[632] Are we high?

[633] Like, this is, that letter made me high.

[634] I know.

[635] For real.

[636] Thanks for listening.

[637] You guys.

[638] Happy Valentine's Day.

[639] Happy Valentine's.

[640] I hope it was good.

[641] I hope it was great.

[642] And we hope that you stay sexy.

[643] And don't get murdered.

[644] Okay, bye.

[645] Bye.

[646] Oh, this is long.

[647] He's not coming out.

[648] He's just not, it's not happening right now.

[649] Meow, there.

[650] What about you, Mimi?

[651] Mimi?

[652] Meow.

[653] Mimi.

[654] Huh?

[655] Wait.

[656] Mimi.

[657] Did she get that?

[658] Good job.