#915 - Nick DiPaolo

[0] Five, four, three, two, one.

[1] Nick DePaulo, ladies and gentlemen.

[2] Joey Boy.

[3] Nick, how do we become old men that don't understand computers and technology anymore?

[4] How'd that happen?

[5] Even if I was 20, I still wouldn't get it.

[6] I'm not smart enough.

[7] You would have got it.

[8] Stop being so hard on yourself.

[9] Your boy, Jamie seems to have a grasp on it.

[10] Jamie's on the ball.

[11] No, he's just on the ball.

[12] He just understands shit.

[13] He understands certain shit that I...

[14] Is there anything that I understand that you don't understand?

[15] Yeah, a lot of shit.

[16] about cars.

[17] Well, why is it doing that right?

[18] And chicks, right?

[19] What happened there?

[20] Yeah, well, I don't happen.

[21] A lot of things about cars, but that's just because you don't, you don't pay attention to cars.

[22] It doesn't register.

[23] Some of it just, like, it goes in and out.

[24] Car stuff?

[25] I've heard about it a lot.

[26] Some things with electronics is the same way.

[27] There's a certain level of electricity.

[28] I'm scared of electricity.

[29] Oms and stuff like that.

[30] I just start, I don't want to die, so I just stop listening.

[31] My buddy Jimmy Detilio from Newton, Newton, Mass. He is an electrician and one of the guys that he used to work with.

[32] Well, I'll never forget this.

[33] He was telling me that this, oh, look, someone likes to fucking hear the ding every time the text goes off.

[34] No, I don't.

[35] That's how bad.

[36] I'm shutting off.

[37] Electricity, he was working with this guy, and I don't remember what he was working on, but the guy just got just totally zapped, blew off his, his all of his skin, his fucking ears are gone, his eyelids are gone.

[38] I mean, it just became a monster, but survived.

[39] And I'll never forget that.

[40] I'll never forget him telling me about that guy.

[41] And from that moment on, from when I was like 16, I've been fucking terrified of electricity.

[42] Yeah, because you can't see it and shit.

[43] Yeah, it's crazy.

[44] We live in a box, right?

[45] And in the walls of this box is this fucking invisible thing that if you stick a fork in there, it'll kill you.

[46] Just blow your fucking brains out.

[47] Well, it actually does.

[48] There's like a fail safe, right?

[49] If you stick a forks, you just get a horrible jolt.

[50] That's the thing I got it.

[51] Yeah, I don't know.

[52] Wasn't that?

[53] That's the difference between alternating current and direction.

[54] direct current, right?

[55] Isn't it?

[56] If I knew that answer, I wouldn't be afraid of it.

[57] Well, apparently in England, they have a far higher level of electricity that's going through their walls.

[58] Yeah, because the shit when you go over there, you have to have special adapters.

[59] Yeah, that shit just kills everywhere that's stupid.

[60] We let the stupid people live.

[61] In England, if you stick a fork in the wall, it finds your whole family, it kills them too.

[62] It's apparently super powerful.

[63] I was changing the filter.

[64] I have a generator, a cola generator.

[65] You know, on like natural gas and shit oh for in case the winter comes when winter's coming I live at the end of the dirt road in the woods so when the when the power goes out mind usually the first house to go out and it kicks right it's the best thing I ever did but I'm out there like fucking changing the filter and and then also and I look over and there's little instructions like on the inside of the door saying you have to disconnect the battery when you went oh no and you're not I get like a can a can of coke in my hand you know I can hardly see what I'm doing screwdriver in your mouth yeah I am frightened that When I lived in Colorado, we had one of those.

[66] It was running on propane.

[67] So when the power would go out, it's awesome.

[68] The power would go out, it goes click, and then right up.

[69] You would hear it immediately.

[70] And one second, it just fucking, it's, I had, the guy that saw me, the house told me to get it.

[71] He had like a small one.

[72] He said, you should get her, you know.

[73] Does yours run on propane?

[74] Yeah.

[75] Yeah, it's 250 gallons.

[76] Yeah, that lasts a long time, too, right?

[77] 250 gallons lots a few days.

[78] It ran for, we had, last year, we had a storm, and the power went out.

[79] It ran for two and a half days, and it only moved the needle like a little.

[80] It was like, this is the fucking balls, man. I know.

[81] It is kind of crazy how little it uses.

[82] Yeah.

[83] Yeah, when that big storm hit, was that like a year or two years ago, where the one where there was no food and people were going to Dunkin' Donuts and eating up all the croissants?

[84] There was, like, nothing there.

[85] That just goes to show you how goddamn our whole structure is.

[86] We have this false sense of security that...

[87] Much more so over there than over here.

[88] Over here, at least it doesn't get cold.

[89] but over there you know when when you get trapped in snows you're kind of fucked like i just got back from new york oh yeah yeah yeah i just flew back yesterday and uh i was supposed to fly in on thursday but they got it they got hit with 14 inches and everything just shut down they just canceled the i i was headed to chicago my get canceled yeah so uh you know then the airlines like they do your favor they send you text like at three in the morning while you're sleeping exactly we found you another booking oh that's great it's a fucking lagwati which is 48 miles from my house.

[90] It's at 7 a .m. You're sitting in seat 48G.

[91] Oh, yeah, I can wait for fucking thanks.

[92] And I had to change in Louisville.

[93] And I did that.

[94] And we sat on the tarmac for the tarmac for two hours.

[95] That's always fun.

[96] This is why I don't do the road anymore.

[97] People out here yell at me. You never come to California.

[98] I go, I'll drive to New Jersey.

[99] Make the same money in one night.

[100] Also, it's hard to get out here in the winter, especially.

[101] Yeah.

[102] I was on the tarmac yesterday, and they had a de -ice, and then we apparently sat on.

[103] on the runway too long, and we had to go back and de -ice again.

[104] Whatever, I'll complain.

[105] You used to take six months to get over here on a horse.

[106] No, but it's still fucking aggravating.

[107] I mean, they used to ride horses.

[108] They used to take a horse with a wooden wheeled fucking sled behind it, and you used to tow that, and your baby would be on the sled with your wife, and everybody would be scared of Indians.

[109] They still do that and tell us it.

[110] I don't think they do that anymore.

[111] I actually...

[112] I actually, but people make fun of the flyover states.

[113] And I sit in New York traffic because I now live in the suburbs like an asshole.

[114] I have to drive into the city.

[115] And the car, the mayor does not want cars on the city.

[116] He's made it impossible.

[117] There's bike lanes on both side of you.

[118] There's skateball lanes.

[119] There's lanes for old people.

[120] Where is this?

[121] In New York City.

[122] Is that hard?

[123] It doesn't move.

[124] Oh, yeah.

[125] No, the city doesn't work anymore.

[126] They change the lanes?

[127] Oh, fuck yeah.

[128] You can't, you can't.

[129] You should not bring your car in.

[130] And I do all the time, like an idiot.

[131] And while I'm sitting there and I'm complaining in my car, I go, you know, I would fucking kill to live in Tulsa right now, eight minutes.

[132] Yeah, down town to pick up something.

[133] Oh, I think everybody has a totally different opinion of the flyover states now that Trump's president.

[134] They're like, oh, they get to vote too.

[135] Yeah, no, exactly.

[136] I always like them.

[137] No, you're exactly right.

[138] That's exactly right.

[139] Oh, their votes work.

[140] This is real.

[141] They're paying attention to in Ohio?

[142] Well, that was a really good point.

[143] that a lot of people had when Trump got elected was that all these people that live in these predominantly liberal areas, like California, New York in particular, New York City and California.

[144] They were all like, oh, my God, Trump is horrible.

[145] Oh, my God, Trump is horrible.

[146] We love Hillary.

[147] We're so excited to have our first female president.

[148] It's going to happen.

[149] It's 100%.

[150] It's going to happen.

[151] Do you know anybody that's voting for Trump?

[152] I don't.

[153] Because they're so insulated.

[154] They literally don't know any conservative, so they were convinced that she was getting in.

[155] That's exactly right.

[156] They said if you take out L .A. county.

[157] in New York City that like he would have won the popular vote too just a country not even the whole state of California just L .A. County and like a couple bars of New York City he would have like won the popular but you're right they're in a bubble and what's crazy is like he's not a good candidate it's not like he's like the perfect Republican he's not like he's some Ronald Reagan character some upstanding guy who just look at him and like yeah that's a president right there no no which is kind of refreshing I mean you like it yes everybody For the last 30 years, I don't want to go there, but you guys know my right winger, so I'm not fucking, I'm sure your fans aren't like this.

[158] A right winger.

[159] Well, no, I'm labeled that.

[160] Are you a right winger?

[161] Are you like, you are of a centrist?

[162] I am a centrist, but people in show business, if you lean right on two issues out of 400, you're a fucking Nazi.

[163] Yeah, I've been called a right winger.

[164] Well, yeah.

[165] I'm a pot -smoking hippie for the most part.

[166] I know, you're a nice blend.

[167] You're like fucking Jerry Brown when he was.

[168] What he was sane?

[169] Yeah, when he was saying.

[170] That crazy fuck.

[171] I can't believe he's really the governor.

[172] Nobody even notices.

[173] California doesn't even need a governor.

[174] Like if he died and no one said anything, he'd be like, where's Jerry?

[175] I don't know.

[176] What do you guys want to do?

[177] What's co -eat?

[178] I know.

[179] You're right.

[180] He doesn't show up much.

[181] He just pops up every once in a while.

[182] Nobody talks about him ever in this state.

[183] And he's 70 what?

[184] He's got to be 74.

[185] He's a thousand years old.

[186] He is.

[187] No one complains about him.

[188] No one talks about him.

[189] No one praises him.

[190] It's just he's a non -governor.

[191] Like when Schwarzenegger was the governor, everybody talked about it.

[192] I can't believe the Terminator's the governor.

[193] They had Governator T -shirts at the fucking airport.

[194] You could buy.

[195] I mean, it was a real governor.

[196] Like, we knew we had a governor.

[197] Right.

[198] Now you ask, the average person just walked on the street, who's a governor of California?

[199] They will fucking stare at you like you have three heads.

[200] They don't even know.

[201] Yeah.

[202] I like that.

[203] Well, is California going to succeed from the union or what?

[204] We have to.

[205] We have to.

[206] It's like, you might as well.

[207] All those assholes that are using non -organic.

[208] What is this?

[209] Where is Governor Jerry Brown?

[210] Governor Jerry, what is this?

[211] It's just 24 minutes ago.

[212] There we go.

[213] Perfect.

[214] Governor Jerry Brown's office remains mom on his location.

[215] Oroville grapples with emergency efforts.

[216] Oh, you heard about that fucking dams ready to blow.

[217] Holy Christ.

[218] Yeah, they're evacuating the area.

[219] While the governor, hold on a second, go back to that, sorry.

[220] While the governor issued an emergency order Sunday, there has not been an update since.

[221] His office was mom on his location.

[222] Oh, he's fucking dead.

[223] He's dead and they don't want to give up position.

[224] They're worried.

[225] It sounds very, yeah.

[226] Yeah, it sounds very Russian.

[227] Remember the Russian leaders?

[228] They always say, you don't hear about them.

[229] Or Scientology, when that guy's wife was missing.

[230] Shush.

[231] No one talks.

[232] Oh, yeah, and Leah had the balls to ask where she was.

[233] Dude, I had her on the podcast.

[234] I know you did.

[235] I love her.

[236] I'd like to meet her.

[237] She's a ballsy lady.

[238] Yeah, Brooklyn Spitfire.

[239] Yeah, she's a little animal.

[240] Very, very interesting that she was a Scientologist her whole life.

[241] It almost goes contrary to, like, how the hell did you not call bullshit on everything?

[242] Like, how the hell did you not call bullshit on that?

[243] It's weird.

[244] That's my first question when I watch that stuff.

[245] I go, really?

[246] Yeah.

[247] You walked into some office in L .A. and fucking they gave you some pamphlets and said, look, we can put these on.

[248] How is Catholicism any less ridiculous?

[249] I don't believe in that shit in either.

[250] Yeah, I know.

[251] I was raised, yeah.

[252] I was forced to go to church until about seventh grade.

[253] And I used to start wrestling, my father, you know, I'm breaking shit on something.

[254] And he wasn't the religious one.

[255] He was laying his bed and go, go to church with your mother.

[256] I think there's a real problem with having a right and having a left.

[257] I think as soon as you have two.

[258] sides that people can pick people just get on one side and then fucking dig their heels in well i read that book recently and it's been out for about 10 years you probably are i know your boy alex jones has mentioned thousand times in it uh the you know the the truth about the builderberg group it was written like 10 years ago they keep updating it i'll never vote again it really is like 40 people running the whole fucking well if it really is though how the fuck did trump get in because i don't think they wanted him in no but that's it's a part of that's yes so it's a trick but he doesn't know he's a part of it That's how deep it runs.

[259] I swear to God, dude.

[260] You haven't read this one?

[261] No. The guy's name is Daniel Eschelin, E -S -T -U -L -I -N.

[262] It's about eight, nine years old, this book.

[263] And you, oh, fuck, I read it on vacation.

[264] I was, I was walking around the beach.

[265] I didn't see anything.

[266] I was in a fog going, I can't believe what a sucker I've been my whole, I remember I fucking bombed in Connecticut, and not in Connecticut, in Pennsylvania once, because a body of mine gave me a copy of best evidence by David, Lifton.

[267] It's a conspiracy book about the assassination by this guy, David Lifton, assassination of JFK, by this guy who was, he was apparently he was an accountant, and he was given some task to write some paper about the president or about the Warren Commission.

[268] And as he was going through the Warren Commission, which is just this enormous thing, many, many volumes, he found all these inconsistencies and things didn't make sense.

[269] And no one expected everyone to read, no, whatever the fuck it is, 900 volumes.

[270] So this asshole read it.

[271] it all, and then he just went into detail about how ridiculous the Warren Commission report was, and then he started investigating the actual facts behind the assassination itself.

[272] It freaked me to fuck out.

[273] I was like, they killed the president, man. So you went on stage right on to your Reddit and ate dick.

[274] I've done that too.

[275] Nothing's funny, eight dick.

[276] I've done that a couple times, God damn it.

[277] Well, I did it when I was living in L .A. I read Robert Bork, Judge Bork's book, you know, and to me it, it, to me, it a lot of shit that I was thinking that I go, oh my God, all this is.

[278] But I was living in L .A. at the time.

[279] And I'm trying to spew some of that shit like at La Jolla Comedy Store.

[280] Can't do it.

[281] Although, you know, that probably...

[282] La Jolla is a little bit more conservative.

[283] Exactly.

[284] Because the military.

[285] The original room at the comedy store.

[286] They weren't really having...

[287] No. Some lady got so fucking mad at me at the original room.

[288] What I was just saying that I don't think that women should be able to guard the White House.

[289] You know that bit that I had?

[290] And the bit was that I can't guard the White House either.

[291] You know how I know?

[292] Because I met Shaquille O 'Neal and his dick is.

[293] where my face is.

[294] I'm like, if the White House is experiencing a shack attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the world.

[295] Like, people are not fucking even.

[296] We're not even.

[297] And then the joke, and she was fucking screaming and yelling at me. I'd go, listen, stupid, I just said, I can't do it either.

[298] I go, do you understand that?

[299] Yeah, no, they don't hear that part.

[300] They hear the part you said women shouldn't.

[301] Exactly.

[302] That's all they glom onto.

[303] Yeah.

[304] I'm like, you know, and then I said, look, and this is where she gets really crazy and I want to have him to kick her out.

[305] And I go, my favorite people in the world are all women.

[306] I have a wife, I have three daughters.

[307] They're my favorite people on the planet.

[308] But I can.

[309] I can.

[310] I could beat the fuck out of all of them and she went crazy she was like that's it i what i can't line it up set it up set it up put the house on me no you just hit him with the truth you sound like me what you just crystallized here i've been going through for like 30 years on the day it's so crazy it's just but i'm saying myself i'm like i i deal with physical combat on a daily basis almost i know what what you can and can't do you can't leave a girl guarding the fucking white house by yourself unless you have that bitch in a robocop suit with fucking nuclear weapons, she's not going to pull it off.

[311] I said, well, one of my bits was talking about women in the military.

[312] This was, again, I think I was living in L .A. when I wrote, I don't think they should be in the military because they don't throw that well.

[313] I go, I don't think 20 soldiers should die because Pam's grenade toss landed a foot from the bunker.

[314] And it's one of my best, you know, I did it on Letterman.

[315] That's funny.

[316] You know what I mean?

[317] And, but every time there'll be a table of girls that would, you know, get their feathers well, I'm not, I'm not happy that Rhonda Rousey lost, but in a way it makes things easier because there was a bunch of fucking people that were going oh yeah what about ronda rousey she'll kick in and i made the mistake and saying like hyperbole okay i'm the master of hyperbole i've exaggerated all the time i was like she could probably beat half the men bantam weights in the ufc is that true no it's not fair definitely not true shouldn't have said it at the time now it's definitely not true she can beat a few that aren't good outside the sport look if she gets guys in the ground she can fuck a lot of people up her judo is 100 % legit her arm bars are amongst the best in the business but let's say i did some coke and she banged it to me she'll flip you on your head you're fucked i'm 55 i'm kidding she'll fuck you up but but the point is even with some coke in me that all these fucking we're like what about ronda rouse what i'm like ron okay and then thank god you know now that she's lost everyone's relaxed with that but you know and then the argument is well who she lost to you know who who fucked her up the most a lesbian i mean yeah yeah but but no that's exactly right Here's the thing With the feminist movement They used to You know We can do anything men can do But they wouldn't push The physical thing They admit But not anymore No I was at Gotham Comedy Club About three years ago And I'm doing A fight breaks out Had nothing to do with me Two tables Got into it I mean a big There's a woman in the middle Standing in the middle A girl And I don't mean like a butch dyke Like a brunch But she's She's got her hands up Oh my God She throws a punch At one of the doorman Another doormon Another doorman comes over And knocks her out Like she was fucking Larry Holmes in his 60s She went down like she was shot And I never heard any lawsuits or anything But she was throwing haymakers at that like the fucking door They really believe And again like you said Amanda Nunez I'd be scared of that bride Yeah Amanda Nunez would knock a lot of dudes out Yeah that's what I mean But again lesbian Could be something there Well yeah she's half a guy You know that was an interesting thing too Which is fine Well I mean she's not She's all woman She's all woman she just likes women Really?

[318] You don't think I think some of her, she's got a little more, you know, less estrogen than my wife.

[319] A little more man juice.

[320] I think it's all by old.

[321] And I'm not saying that.

[322] I'm not being derogatory.

[323] You know what I mean?

[324] Yeah.

[325] I think she should be more celebrated than she is because she's the first ever woman, lesbian champion in MMA.

[326] I mean, there's, you don't see.

[327] How come lesbians get their own designation?

[328] Like, they're not just gay.

[329] Like, it's LBG.

[330] You know what I mean?

[331] It's lesbian gay.

[332] It's lesbian and gay.

[333] Like, they get their own thing.

[334] not just gay.

[335] Like, you can't be a gay woman.

[336] You're also a lesbian.

[337] Like, a gay man is not a thing.

[338] Like, he doesn't have an extra thing.

[339] It's not like you're also a thesbian.

[340] You know what I mean?

[341] Now you're talking Tom Cruise.

[342] You know what I'm saying?

[343] I mean, lesbians are not just gay.

[344] They have their own little designation.

[345] That's how they want it.

[346] They get what they want.

[347] This I was reading.

[348] I was reading those, Joey, I was reading those, like the terms now.

[349] Oh, yeah.

[350] Those are wonderful.

[351] I ran out of printing paper I'm not shit I was spitting out I was on like page 78 I ran out of paper and I just started reading them I actually do this in my special my CISO special that's coming out Thursday I talk about the I go it's so confusing now the lips you confuse everything nobody knows what bathroom to use and I was at a nightclub the other night here's the ladies room right here and the men's room was right next one and a pile of shit in the middle between the two doors with a tampon stuck in in a fake mustache it's true and I'm not being derogatory I actually have a relative who's like transgender I wouldn't want to fucking have to deal you know but but we're talking about these people like they make up 60 % of the population that's where I get a little fucking angry who's that guy from roadhouse the guy with the mustache that talks like this you know that guy is always in like truck Sam Elliott yes there's a great meme with Sam Elliott and it was like there used to be a time where we worried more about women the safety of women and children than men who like to wear dresses.

[352] It was one of those memes online.

[353] Like, holy shit.

[354] And someone put it up and everybody went crazy.

[355] Because there's the thing, like, there are people who are fucking crazy, who are men who like to wear dresses, want to pretend they're a woman.

[356] Right.

[357] There's transgender people, and then there's sick fucks that also like to wear dresses and going to the women's room.

[358] That's right.

[359] And if you open the door, you open the door to everybody.

[360] Well, that's what I said to these young kids, and I'm on stage, like these kids in their 20s.

[361] I go, you should be taking advantage of this confusion.

[362] You're at a nightclub, you see a hot chick.

[363] You just carry a lipstick with you, slap it on, follow her into the ladies' room, and go, identify as a dyke tonight.

[364] Open that stall.

[365] I'm like Annie Lennox went back when she used to wear suits, but I'm definitely a woman.

[366] Remember when Annie Lennox used to wear suits?

[367] Sweet dreams are made of this.

[368] I don't remember when that was big, were we looking at her going, we want to question our sexuality.

[369] good in a suit.

[370] She's hot.

[371] She's short hair.

[372] Everything.

[373] Yeah.

[374] Did she come out?

[375] There she is.

[376] No. She's a woman.

[377] She's all woman.

[378] She's just being freaky.

[379] She actually looks good there for Christa.

[380] Even with orange hair.

[381] I'd fuck the shit out of it.

[382] That looks like if Trump was transgender and his teens.

[383] Not even his teens.

[384] Like when he's like 11.

[385] That does look like it looks like the president.

[386] What a weird haircut.

[387] Look at that.

[388] Yeah.

[389] He's got to let his hair go.

[390] I want to talk to him.

[391] I want to get him on mushrooms, get him to shave his head.

[392] Who?

[393] Trump.

[394] Get him, you should change a lot.

[395] He should let it go gray.

[396] Well, he's not just gray.

[397] Like, what the fuck is going on up there?

[398] I don't know.

[399] Chaos.

[400] There's like so much stuff happening in his head.

[401] Well, he's got to trim around the years.

[402] This isn't 1975.

[403] I'm just saying.

[404] Well, I think he'll be too picky.

[405] He likes keeping it long so he could fucking spin it around and cover all the barren lands.

[406] Well, that's true.

[407] You can hide a lot of it.

[408] Yeah.

[409] deficiencies.

[410] He's definitely got something going on.

[411] There's a whole theory as to what's happening in his hair that there was a guy that ran a company that would take hair and they would, you know, they'd buy hair from like people in India and then they bleach it to whatever color your hair is.

[412] And then they would attach it to your skull, these microfilaments.

[413] Where do I get that done?

[414] It looked like shit and they went out of business, except they had an office in Trump Tower right below Trump's office.

[415] And so the company went out of business, but their office still remains.

[416] So the idea is that he's the only client and Trump comes down, gets his hair done by this guy.

[417] It was in like, God, I want to say, like, that's a great idea.

[418] I want to say it was like Esquire or GQ, like one of those magazines and it was like the secret behind Trump's hair.

[419] There's this whole investigative report on Trump's hair.

[420] It sounds like a plot for CBS sitcom, you know.

[421] Did you see what was going on?

[422] And I think it was Chile.

[423] There was a paper, a newspaper that had a photo of Trump, but they used the Alec Baldwin picture instead of the Donald Trump picked They fucked up Or they did it on purpose Probably did it on purpose But it's hilarious NBC will be doing that Go let me fuck them Yeah right Yeah here it is This is what the guy used to do The Placing of the micro cylinders So it's like these little things They glue to your hair So it looks like the hairs Are coming straight out of your scalp Because they glue these little Like little tiny Hulu hoops With hair attached to it I guess And it sticks right out of your hair right out of your head.

[424] Yeah, I don't totally understand it.

[425] It's probably like pubes from a third world country.

[426] Apparently, it looked like shit, which makes sense because his hair looks like shit.

[427] Right?

[428] Look at that.

[429] See, 500 hair is added in 90 minutes.

[430] See, he's got this thing going on.

[431] It's just like his hair, see?

[432] That, I mean, that is like Trump's hair.

[433] That is, yes.

[434] So this guy was bald and now he's got this flop.

[435] There it is.

[436] See?

[437] That's a wave in Hawaii.

[438] Somebody should be writing.

[439] Like, his hair doesn't make any sense.

[440] It's like there's so much volume.

[441] but so little volume at the same time.

[442] Well, yeah, when you're 70, it shouldn't be long in the back.

[443] Well, all of it's chaos.

[444] Like, why not just shave your fucking head, bro?

[445] It's so easy.

[446] You're worth a fucking hundred billion dollars.

[447] Or your wife is not down with you because of the way you look, you know?

[448] Like, shave your fucking head.

[449] You can do whatever you want.

[450] But when you're that age and you got that much here, you don't want to shave it.

[451] Why not?

[452] The whole thing's stupid.

[453] Like, you look good with a bald head.

[454] Thank you.

[455] I feel good.

[456] I'm not just kissing your ass, but you do.

[457] But he would, I mean, something tells me he's got like a big, vainy giant skull that would scare this shit out of both Republicans and Democrats.

[458] Yeah, like an ogre's dick.

[459] I don't know what that looks like.

[460] Just vainy and angry.

[461] Big slot in the top.

[462] Imagine if he found out he really was a dickhead.

[463] Like he's got a hole, like a whale hole at the top of his head.

[464] And it's just pre -coms leaking out.

[465] Oh, holy shit.

[466] Cover it, cover it.

[467] Sad.

[468] On the plane on the way to Chicago, I opened the, you know, the airplane magazine.

[469] Yeah.

[470] Because I fucking forgot to bring my shit.

[471] So I'm reading that.

[472] And there's Joe Rogan, front and center talking about Valentine's Day.

[473] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[474] I go, what is he saying?

[475] I wrote something that was so outrageous.

[476] No, but it was really good.

[477] Well, what they put in there was like a fraction of what I wrote.

[478] What I wrote was filled with swear words and talking about.

[479] Come on, you were, you were just letting a little of your female side show.

[480] Well, a little of my female side is all they left in.

[481] The stuff they cut.

[482] The guy asked me to write something.

[483] I'm like, I'll write something.

[484] I'm going to give a fuck.

[485] So I smoked a joint.

[486] I wrote something crazy.

[487] And I sent it to them.

[488] And they're like, well, they have to edit it heavily.

[489] I'm like, let them.

[490] Who cares?

[491] And so what's in there is like barely mine.

[492] But it made sense.

[493] It was kind of like, oh, my God.

[494] Because you said, like, in a few years, what the grasp of the whole article was, you're saying, let it, let it out.

[495] It's like, you love your wife, write it in a car and stuff.

[496] Let that shit out because in a few years we're going to be able to read each other's minds.

[497] Yeah.

[498] Wasn't that the gist?

[499] And it made sense.

[500] And I usually don't believe in that shit.

[501] I'm like, ooh.

[502] We're about 30 years away from being mind -reading robots.

[503] I really believe that.

[504] I don't think we're going to be...

[505] I don't be...

[506] I think we're going to be some sort of a combination of people and machine within the next 30 years.

[507] I really do.

[508] I don't...

[509] I think if you think about how close we are with communication about how we can tweet and send pictures and share information.

[510] so quickly, like almost instantaneously.

[511] Then the next possible step is that we're going to be closer than that.

[512] We're going to have that shit in your head, and we're going to be communicating.

[513] Are they going to put a chip at us or something you mean?

[514] I think so.

[515] I think so.

[516] They're already doing it, aren't they?

[517] Probably.

[518] I know the audience I played in Chicago.

[519] It seemed like they had chips.

[520] They didn't like you?

[521] No, it was great.

[522] You ever do that?

[523] I love Chicago.

[524] But this is Rosemont.

[525] Yeah, that place is great.

[526] Unbelievable.

[527] Joey Diaz just did his CISO special there.

[528] Yeah, that's what they told me. Great room.

[529] Great room.

[530] She goes to me, she goes, but she even wore me, she goes, The Saturday crowd, I sold out three or four shows, which I was excited about.

[531] She goes, The Saturday early show, might be, they get a little rowdy.

[532] I'm on stage five minutes, so I'm making fun of Hillary, you know.

[533] Oh, they got mad at you.

[534] I'm like, no, just one fat, ugly bitch got mad of it.

[535] I wanted to kick her fucking ugly head off her shoulders, this chubet, fucking miserable.

[536] I'm going, yeah, I could tell, you know, Hillary wasn't healthy.

[537] I saw her shit stain in her pantsuit.

[538] She's going up the stairs, and his blood come out of her nostril airwax, And she goes, this lady read up and she goes, you're a fucking asshole.

[539] And gives me the finger.

[540] Whoa.

[541] Like, and, you know.

[542] That's her hero, bro.

[543] Huh?

[544] Why don't you be nice to her hero and fuck her?

[545] There's a picture, a new picture of Hillary and Bill.

[546] And Bill's looks like he's wearing something from a motorcycle movie for the 1970s.

[547] And Hillary is dressed like the villain in every kung fu movie.

[548] And I'm not kidding.

[549] She's literally wearing a fucking car.

[550] I've joked around about that before that she dresses like the villain in every kung fu movie.

[551] But this time she took it to the next level.

[552] and she literally has like an Asian jacket on and some fucking scarf underneath it.

[553] She's trying to cover up the turkey neck.

[554] It's because she loves China.

[555] It's her version of a comb over.

[556] She's just going up to the tip of the chin.

[557] I live four miles from that house, y 'all.

[558] I saw her in the woods the other day.

[559] She was behind a rock.

[560] Yeah.

[561] You live four miles from their house?

[562] Yeah.

[563] They have a house in Chappaqua.

[564] Did they really?

[565] Up in Westchester.

[566] They probably have 100 houses, those crooks.

[567] How did not they make so much money being civil servants?

[568] Well, they didn't.

[569] Once they get out.

[570] Well, even when they were in.

[571] Well, I mean, he was given the majority, but when they started that foundation, we know how they made it.

[572] I mean, they're selling influence all over the world.

[573] That foundation just took a big hit.

[574] Something just happened with that foundation.

[575] Well, yeah, they're going to shut it down now.

[576] Because they were exposed during the election.

[577] But it was a big article, like very recently.

[578] I didn't read it.

[579] I saw it.

[580] Someone was telling me about it.

[581] I don't know what it is.

[582] I should stop talking.

[583] But it's a podcast.

[584] I plow one.

[585] Fly what I'm like, I don't know what I'm talking about.

[586] That's where I step on the gas.

[587] That's where I dig my heels in.

[588] Start fucking swearing.

[589] Yeah.

[590] How about that picture I sent you yesterday?

[591] I pull into Fitzsimmons podcast.

[592] Clinton the Foundation partner hiked opiate overdose reversal drug price by 680%.

[593] That's very Republican of him.

[594] Jesus Christ.

[595] Jesus fucking Christ.

[596] Yeah.

[597] So an opioid overdose.

[598] Reversal drug which saves people from opiate and they hiked a price.

[599] It's opioid.

[600] Am I saying it wrong?

[601] I say it opioid, right?

[602] I'm saying it wrong.

[603] Opioid refers, overdose refers to.

[604] It shouldn't be a word like that opioid.

[605] It's a heroin.

[606] It's a heroin.

[607] It's a heroin overdose.

[608] Why have to say opioid?

[609] Call it pure horse.

[610] Opiates.

[611] Overtose reversal drug by 680%.

[612] Oh, I'm sure does this is no money.

[613] Well, we had investments.

[614] We had to satisfy stockholders.

[615] That's very important.

[616] but I support Hillary Clinton and women and I support a woman's right to choose a woman's right to choose it's very important how many times have you heard the word the phrase strong woman the last fucking 20 years or nasty women everyone's a nasty woman now remember that when Trump called her nasty woman then all of a sudden all these women had nasty woman as their Twitter handle yes Jen Kirkman she called herself Jen nasty Kirkwoman she wasn't Kirkman anymore.

[617] They're having fun with it, I guess.

[618] They went nuts when that tape coming.

[619] Well, Trump loves to grab pussy.

[620] So does Hillary.

[621] Why is it on a...

[622] What's the controversy?

[623] Does that what you think?

[624] Is that what I'm saying?

[625] Are you trying to say that?

[626] Are you kidding me?

[627] She burped in my face once.

[628] What does it smell?

[629] CBS.

[630] Oh, like a three -of -day -old mackerel.

[631] Like a can of smoked muscles.

[632] There's left in the back of the minivan for three weeks in August.

[633] I like smoked oysters.

[634] Oh, I do, too.

[635] I'm not going to think about them now when I open them up.

[636] I'm going to think of Hillary's breath.

[637] You'll think of clits when you open oysters.

[638] Really?

[639] Yeah, it looks like a mutilated clitoris.

[640] I eat them because they're a good way of maintaining a ketogenic diet, Nick DePaolo, not because I'm disparaging.

[641] I eat them too.

[642] I know about all that.

[643] I saw you eating, you put up those like little videos.

[644] I don't know, was Facebook Live or whatever.

[645] You were making breakfast with like five eggs and kimchi and shit.

[646] Yeah.

[647] I went and I have like four or five eggs every month.

[648] Do you?

[649] Oh, I fucking love them.

[650] It's good for you.

[651] Love them.

[652] Those goddamn criminals, probably that work for the Clinton administration, they were trying to convince us for a long time that eggs are bad for you, that cholesterol.

[653] Listen to me. folks not bad very good for you i saw you had like kimchi and it was enough it looked like it would last you two weeks and that's like your breakfast that's because you're hyper still though right i'm still hyper god damn i have this weight right here so i need to work out when i'm talking to people and i want to try that elk roast you made oh yeah that was fucking you're hoping you had some leftovers well my buddy john dudley had this guy chad ward on his podcast and chad ward is this uh barbecue master and he was basically saying that when i cook that what i'm doing by uh grilling things over high heat that you fuck it up because you you dry out the meat somewhat so i was like all right what does he say to do he says don't cook anything over 275 degrees i'm like all right i'll try it so i put it elk roast on last night i put a meat thermometer in that bitch and i let it low and slow for like an hour and a half i cooked this roast it wasn't a big roast either cooked it for an hour and a half got it to 125 degrees then i took a frying pan and you said the outside yeah with with butter hot butter then elk and butter you wrap it up at aluminum foil And you put it in a cooler Because the cooler will keep it warm Just like it keeps it cold, right?

[654] I put it in a Yeti cooler No shit Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, this is what all those barbecue masters do They let it finish in a cooler And then I pulled that bitch out And I sliced it up Holy shit was he right I was looking at the pictures It was cooked fucking perfect Oh, holy shit was he right It was so delicious And it was so much moisture than any row I'd cook some delicious roast In the past Yeah But they were always I'm a good cook I've been told that I cut it into it too soon And that's why there's all that blood It's like cutting the teenager.

[655] It was amazing.

[656] I poured that blood all over it.

[657] I enjoyed that blood.

[658] Okay, what's on the outside of it, Joe?

[659] What's the rub?

[660] Not to turn this into fucking Rachel Lamp.

[661] Kosher salt, black pepper, and garlic powder.

[662] So I put all that on before I put it, excuse me, before I put it into the grill, before I put it into the pellet grill.

[663] Pellate grills, if you don't have one of those?

[664] I don't.

[665] They are the shit.

[666] Oh, do you?

[667] Yes.

[668] She'd squirrels and shit?

[669] Yes.

[670] Pellet grills are the shit.

[671] because they maintain the same temperature and it's all run on wood because it's totally healthy because they have an element, like a heating element in there and they have these wood pellets and the wood pellets are made when they cut like wood for a table like this they take the hard wood from that stuff and then they compress it and then natural sugars in the wood allow it to stay in these pellets and the pellets you can break them up in your hand they're not like really easy to break because they're not really solid but when the heating element cooks them then the heat from that and the fire from the pellets and the smoke flavors the meat.

[672] So it's natural wood flavoring 100 % natural, no chemicals.

[673] You can get flavored pellets, you mean?

[674] Yeah, you can get apple.

[675] You can get applewood, you can get oak, you can get hickory.

[676] Pussy?

[677] I don't think they have pussy for it, but you can probably start it.

[678] You can probably start your own company.

[679] Cockwood?

[680] Yeah, just have a bunch of girls sitting there by the lumberyard.

[681] Just take it, rub it on the snatch.

[682] No, I saw that.

[683] I'm like, that is cooked perfectly.

[684] Nice crunch on the outside.

[685] The guy's definitely right, because before I was doing it all by eye and doing it by timing, but using a meat thermometer, I got the inside to 125 degrees, which is not quite enough.

[686] Right.

[687] It's a little low.

[688] But it'll keep cooking.

[689] Yeah, exactly.

[690] So then when you sear it on the outside, it gets a little more inside because of that, and then when you wrap it up in aluminum foil, because the searing was only a few minutes.

[691] So you sear at the end?

[692] Yeah, at the end.

[693] Which is just the opposite of what people used to do that see the outside.

[694] Well, this guy's a world champion barbecue guy.

[695] So I just listen to him.

[696] You know, but I don't know, man. They do it differently at certain steakhouses.

[697] But at steakhouses, you're cooking a beef steak, and a beef steak is so filled with fat.

[698] It's so different.

[699] Now, the elk, is it lean?

[700] Super lean.

[701] Is it?

[702] Is it still flavorful?

[703] I got a bunch back.

[704] Oh, it's the most flavorful.

[705] Is it because lean meat usually isn't?

[706] That's why people eat beef.

[707] It's got a rich, different kind of taste to it because it's just, it's such a healthy animal because it's a giant fucking animal and it's out there running around eating whatever the fuck it wants.

[708] It's not at this 7 -11 at midnight getting yotles.

[709] It's like you're eating an athlete, you know?

[710] It's like you're eating Carl Lewis's ass.

[711] It's like you got something that can run and sprint.

[712] Keep enticing me, Joe.

[713] Jesus Christ.

[714] I wanted to bring you back from the edge.

[715] Is that what it said on the menu?

[716] You started salivating and then you think about Carl Lewis bent over a sofa.

[717] No, after he ran a three fucking dirty.

[718] Just pulling his ass apart.

[719] Tasted like.

[720] Should I've said Herschel Walker?

[721] Yeah It would have been better Yeah, no, that's But you're getting, you know You're getting like this This healthy, strong animal It just has more vitamins in it More nutrients It tastes different It's just got It's more vibrant Plus I fucking killed it So I know where it came from I was there Yeah Would you hit it on the 101 No I shot it with a bow and arrow So I was my cousin He's a fucking killer Cousin's a killer I'm not a bow and arrow guy It's to me It's like I don't know man Maybe it's not for everybody But for me it's the way Yeah I went to Inglewood I went to Watt's I found it outside of a liquor store 3 o 'clock of the morning Bugling Where'd you go hunting Seriously for elk That one I think that was from To Hon ranch Which is not honestly not that far from here Oh it was on a ranch and was penned in That's not fair No no it's not pending at all 270 ,000 acres free range.

[722] We are here.

[723] Upstate?

[724] No, it's upstate.

[725] It's like a half hour outside of Bakersfield.

[726] But it's a huge ranch, the biggest ranch in all California.

[727] And so I've been there.

[728] I've hunted elk there.

[729] I've got a deer that I shot in Iowa that I'm going to cook that way tonight.

[730] Yeah, my cousin, that's what he does.

[731] Yeah.

[732] Bow and arrow is the way to go.

[733] Yes.

[734] It just takes way too long to learn how to do it for most people.

[735] But it does not loud.

[736] You know, like there's no, like, this is my friend Cameron Haynes always likes to describe it.

[737] He's like, when you go to the woods, everything is peaceful and quiet, and the gun's like, boom!

[738] He's like, it all seemed out of place to me. All the birds go, what the fuck?

[739] Yeah, he's like, but with a bow and arrow, it's like almost silent.

[740] It's like, pach, you know, but just takes a...

[741] And it's harder.

[742] It's more of a sport.

[743] Well, you got to get way closer.

[744] A little more even.

[745] You got to get way closer.

[746] You got to get way closer.

[747] You've got to be, like, sitting on its back.

[748] But you've got to be fucking sneaky, because that's what's really exciting about.

[749] Like, when you're stalking, like, One of the most fun hunts I went on I failed I went to Nevada we went a spot and stock hunting from mule deer and so you're like you're like creeping up on these deer and these fucking deer are so too big deer A mule deer is one of the largest deer species and it lives in mostly in the west and they are that's a mule deer right there and that's a mule deer right there that one with the velvet stone is animals it's a big deer and they live in the woods and you got to creep up on these fuckers because they're used to be in the attacked by mountain lions.

[750] So, like, their ears are huge, like a mule's ear.

[751] That's what they call a mule deer.

[752] And see how big their fucking ears?

[753] They're like, hey, what's going on?

[754] Looks like Obama.

[755] What's over here?

[756] What's over here?

[757] How dare you?

[758] Yeah, he had big fucking big ears.

[759] You were not a Obama fan.

[760] I'm an Obama fan as a statesman.

[761] I don't think a lot of things he did were very good.

[762] But as a statesman, I think he was an excellent representative of the United States.

[763] Fair enough.

[764] I buy that.

[765] That's part of the problem with Trump is that now assholes have a king.

[766] You know, it's like, he's an asshole.

[767] I'm an asshole.

[768] Well, see, that's what I like.

[769] He's plain spoken.

[770] That's what I like about him.

[771] He's not a fucking professional politician.

[772] You know, that's sort of what I like about him.

[773] Oh, I like that he's not a professional politician.

[774] Don't get me wrong.

[775] But what do you like about him?

[776] What do you like about him?

[777] I just fucking, it's a chick.

[778] Did you vote for him?

[779] Yes, I did.

[780] How dare you?

[781] They're not going to let you leave.

[782] Huh?

[783] Jerry Brown's going to raise up from his grave right now.

[784] We found one.

[785] We found one.

[786] We found one.

[787] We found one.

[788] We found one.

[789] Don't you're not bad for you.

[790] I forgot who I'm talking to what you.

[791] show i was i know see that's why i confuse people i have guns i have guns and weed yeah i like the two of them together they're great don't be scared oh what did you i can't i told you my weed story or did i yeah when i ate the edible yeah well edibles are a different trip yeah especially for a guy who hadn't out of joint since 1992 yeah you should start super slow it was like doing acid for me i'm fucking freaked out we were on vacation recently and uh my wife can put away the fucking edibles.

[792] She likes edibles.

[793] She likes edibles before she goes to bed.

[794] And our friend of ours, who is a guy from England, really great guy, very smart guy, doesn't smoke the pot.

[795] And it doesn't smoke the pot at all.

[796] And my wife is like, I'm going to take my medicine and she takes it.

[797] Because she takes it before she goes to bed.

[798] She likes it, relaxes her.

[799] And he's like, well, you know, what is that?

[800] Every night?

[801] Can I ask?

[802] Every night?

[803] Could she not sleep without it if she doesn't have it?

[804] She can sleep without it.

[805] She sleeps better with it.

[806] But she goes down.

[807] I mean, she fucking, she doesn't to get Joey Diaz doses, but she takes high doses.

[808] So anyway, she gives something to our friend, and she gives him half of what she takes.

[809] I go, that's too much.

[810] She's like, oh, he's going to be fine.

[811] This motherfucker, like, an hour and a half later was like, we have to check on the children and make sure they're still breathing.

[812] He was so out of his mind.

[813] The next day, he was still high.

[814] The next day, woke up for breakfast, still high, just tripping his balls off.

[815] Because when you eat it, it's a psychedelic drug.

[816] It's not the same thing.

[817] Fucking.

[818] First of all, like I said, and literally, I hadn't smoked a joint.

[819] I was never a weed guy since, like, the early 90s.

[820] So just weed in general is stronger.

[821] And then to make it an edible, and then I did the typical rookie stupid thing.

[822] I took a corner of it.

[823] I waited about 31 minutes.

[824] I'm like, this ain't doing shit.

[825] Exactly.

[826] Then I ate the rest like a Snickers bar.

[827] Next thing you know, I'm like fucking.

[828] Those are the four words you should never say after you take weed.

[829] I don't feel shit.

[830] I know.

[831] It was my first words I said.

[832] You set yourself up for disaster.

[833] Yeah, I had no idea, you know.

[834] I didn't eat the whole thing, but I took another bite.

[835] And then I'm watching my fucking, like I said, my flat screen TV with 51 inch and all of a sudden, it looked like a black and white, 11 -inch TV.

[836] You start freaking.

[837] And it sounded a mile away and shit.

[838] Whoa.

[839] So I did what you're supposed to in that situation.

[840] I ran into a dark bedroom and stared at an alarm clock.

[841] Well, you know what you should do if you're really fucked up like that?

[842] Drink coffee.

[843] That's one thing.

[844] The coffee does counteract.

[845] the cannabis that's one thing to do okay if you're really freaking out if you have too much pot in your system drink coffee another one take a cold shower who's getting that really yep cold as fuck just get in there and suffer where you can't breathe you know those cold showers are oh Jesus no I don't I love those showers I take those showers all the time especially after yoga I take a hot yoga and then I take a cold shower like fuck there you go as cold as it gets if I can you're wide awake if I could put ice in the water tank I would do that it's just like Woo!

[846] Mysterious illness linked to marijuana use on the rise in legal weed states.

[847] That's Scott Adams.

[848] What'd they do to him?

[849] He got younger.

[850] What is this?

[851] The story was going around for a couple weeks ago.

[852] What?

[853] This is at the end of the year.

[854] It's called...

[855] It's killing pussy's...

[856] It's called brain damage.

[857] Cannabinoid hypermesis syndrome.

[858] Is it real?

[859] Oh, I had that a couple weeks.

[860] You can look up a bunch of stories on it.

[861] People went to the ER for it, but...

[862] Look at this.

[863] Nausea vomiting and crampy abdominal pain.

[864] Walking off Pussy.

[865] I get that from Chipotle.

[866] This is how you clear it.

[867] Hot showers are bad.

[868] Yeah, it's interesting, relieved by hot showers.

[869] Okay, maybe I'm giving the wrong advice.

[870] So I'm speaking out, they said just take a hot shower, not a cold shower.

[871] Oh, well, I'm saying cold.

[872] Thanks, Joe, for the information.

[873] Don't be your pussy.

[874] You know why?

[875] It says hot shower, because there's too much of a pussy.

[876] You take a cold shower.

[877] The cold shower probably cures you quicker.

[878] I love cold showers.

[879] Because it's like, it's suffering.

[880] Yeah, it hurts.

[881] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[882] I was, when I lived in a fraternity, University of Maine, a hot water heater broke down.

[883] It's, yeah, February in Maine, okay?

[884] Literally minus 21 outside.

[885] And we didn't have, I go on the shower, and it's so cold, you could feel each individual drop hitting you on the head, like, it hurt.

[886] It made my eyes water.

[887] It's fucking brutal.

[888] Yeah, like almost 32 degrees.

[889] Yeah, exactly.

[890] No, exactly.

[891] Just a shade over ice.

[892] When I was doing, back in the Taekwendo days, there's this guy named Bob Caffarella, and he was, my instructor's, one of my instructor's first black belts, and he was just a complete psycho.

[893] And Bob Caffarella used to always take cold showers.

[894] That's what he used to.

[895] He slept in the gym.

[896] He lived in the gym.

[897] He used to teach classes there for the longest time.

[898] And he would take cold showers because it was good for the spirit.

[899] This guy didn't take a fucking quick shower either.

[900] It wasn't like, oh, oh, okay, we're done.

[901] No, that dude would just sit in there.

[902] And we would all be terrified of him.

[903] We'd get in that cold shower.

[904] We knew how cold it was, and it was like a different level of psycho he was.

[905] That's a horrible way to die.

[906] You don't die that way.

[907] You just get cold.

[908] No, I'm just saying people who have fallen through ice and shit.

[909] Oh, yeah.

[910] And I mean, can you fucking imagine?

[911] There's a photo that they found recently of a mom.

[912] moose it was like half in half out it just got tired trying to get out of the ice and because moose will walk on frozen lakes but you know they're fucking 1800 pounds right and then they'll step in one area where it's not that thick and this fucking went right through and he just got stuck and they and he died froze there froze there in the lake like that lady in the news last week the goodwill bin you read that one right no and somewhere i think was in Pennsylvania she goes to a goodwill bin to put some shit in yeah at two in the morning although they said she had items out when they found her it sounds like she was robbing it to me but she's in the goodwill bin two in the morning the fuck and she's on a foot ladder oh no the bin lid falls on her arm breaks her arm and wrist she's hanging from the side of the bin the ladder falls she's caught there listen to this that happened at two in the morning they find her frozen at death the next morning oh jesus is that not fucking horrid she's doing a nice thing contributing close talk about a no good deed and they find her hanging from the bin People do shit That they don't realize how risky it is Like you ever see someone trying to fix their gutter with a ladder And that you know Oh yeah it was my old man Like that's how Artie Lang's dad Fell up the roof Yeah Yeah Fucking ladders man My old man will be on a ladder with fucking like With like a cigarette work And there'll be a gas pipe a foot away He's you know well and Jesus Christ You're like dad The guy from OSHA wants to talk to you I was out of gas station recently in Hollywood And some asshole came up to me Asked me about my car and he's smoking a cigarette And the guy will run the gas station screaming at him, get the fuck away from the gas.

[913] Get the fuck away from the gas.

[914] And he's like, fuck you bitch.

[915] He was like this weird guy.

[916] He was just hanging around the gas station.

[917] Weird guy.

[918] He sounds very black.

[919] No, he wasn't black.

[920] That was what's weird.

[921] He was like pretending to be.

[922] You know.

[923] Get the fuck away.

[924] Get the fuck.

[925] He was, it was so caricature because he was like a caricature of an Indian gas station owner.

[926] But he really was an Indian gas station's character.

[927] There's a gas station that I go to.

[928] It's run by Indians.

[929] And they even have like a fucking Ome sign on the, the door it's like the peaceful gas station they're the nicest people they're all indians that work there i know and they're good super cool people did they sometimes it'll be a table like when i'm doing a show and they hanging on every word polite and i point to everybody else why can't you be like them as i say to the rest of the audience look at this indian table with manners and yeah indians in general are very interesting people because they have a caste system that they don't they just they have rich people like extremely rich people right that exist with extremely poor people with no problems.

[930] It's real weird.

[931] There's one of the richest men.

[932] That's the key to the...

[933] Is that the key?

[934] Oh, so there's too much integration here.

[935] There's this extremely wealthy guy in India, and he has this fucking palace and surrounding his palace is like utter slums and ghetto.

[936] And he's like got a golden palace.

[937] And his name is Aziz Ansari.

[938] It's Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen.

[939] Oh, Russell Peter, I forgot.

[940] There's a bigger guy.

[941] I forgot about Russell.

[942] Russell's the biggest Indian...

[943] Well, he's one of the biggest comedians in the world.

[944] He's also one of the biggest nice guys.

[945] He is a sweetheart.

[946] He's one of the best.

[947] At the festival, he takes us all to a Blue Jays game.

[948] And he threw out the first pitch of some shit.

[949] Couldn't have been nicer, man. Russell Peters is living the goddamn dream.

[950] He really is.

[951] He's one of the greatest guys I've ever met in my life.

[952] I love him.

[953] And I really, I don't know Aziz.

[954] I used to see him at the comedy seller, but I don't think he's a fan of mine.

[955] I got that impression.

[956] He seems like a left wing.

[957] I have zero problem with him.

[958] I've always said hi to him.

[959] I've always got along with him.

[960] But other people have issues with him.

[961] But I never know what that issue is.

[962] It's hard, you know?

[963] When someone has issues with someone, you're like, okay, are you jealous?

[964] Are you a dick?

[965] Do you think he got more than he deserved?

[966] It's always, you know, it's hard to tell because the knock on some people are they're like, like, someone said this to me. And I don't agree with it, but this is what they said.

[967] They were like, you know, well, the only reason why Aziz is famous at all is because he's Indian.

[968] He's not funny.

[969] No. And I was like, well, that can't.

[970] That doesn't make any sense.

[971] Yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

[972] First of all, I know he's a fucking hard, hard worker because I played up in Albany.

[973] And I was talking Tommy Nicky, I think his name, that runs his Albany Club.

[974] And he told me, Aziz came up, he was tightening up for like an arena, you know.

[975] And he did, and one night he did five, 45 -minute sets.

[976] I believe it.

[977] Five.

[978] We worked together at the Comedy Store.

[979] Which, and he and I did three shows in a row back -to -back.

[980] Three shows in a row And he's got his notes out And he's working on material Follow anybody Yeah Good for him But this thing that happens When someone becomes famous Where instead of people Like even if you don't get it There's a lot of people that I don't get I don't think they're famous But I don't talk shit about them No I don't care After being When we were younger Like I'm much better now When you're younger When you get into this business You're like how is he making it I'm not fucking me But then when you see How hard it is And you got to put the work In regard This like you said and there's comics, you might not like what they do.

[981] But as you get older, you can appreciate what it took to...

[982] Of course.

[983] Yeah.

[984] And speaking of that, let me ask you before I forget.

[985] Do you know...

[986] What's going on here?

[987] I'm like Bernie Sanders.

[988] He's writing a letter to class.

[989] Here, we have to deal with.

[990] It's called income inequality.

[991] Income inequality.

[992] This thing is rigged.

[993] I was in the bathroom.

[994] I saw Hillary's balls.

[995] She's got big balls.

[996] Black Lives Matter.

[997] And, yeah, I tried to help him with that.

[998] That's why he lost.

[999] He couldn't get the black thought.

[1000] I said, change your first name to Colonel.

[1001] What the fuck gets right in front of you?

[1002] Nothing here in fucking Fucking Woodland Hills Communists China That you're talking about Delicious food And that's racist Is that show That big Where you have to worry About offending sponsors I'm used to be in my basement By myself My sponsors are fine Don't worry They've seen it all by now There's not a fucking single thing We could throw at them Although match .com They were one and done with me I was like Come on everybody wants to fuck They're like Cut Cut!

[1003] Cut!

[1004] They cut me off after one ad.

[1005] Do you people like, Clemedia?

[1006] I'm like, look, who doesn't like to fuck?

[1007] Am I lying?

[1008] I'm trying to get you guys some money.

[1009] Who doesn't?

[1010] I'm 55.

[1011] Come on.

[1012] You don't like the fuck anymore?

[1013] Oh, please.

[1014] I got the hips of fucking 70 -year -old soccer player.

[1015] We can get you to yoga class, get you some fucking kettlebells, start fucking doing some swings.

[1016] I know.

[1017] This is why I left.

[1018] Oh, before, let me, again, do you know George Lopez?

[1019] Yes.

[1020] Never met him.

[1021] Fucking love him.

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] Love is comedy.

[1024] I just, I can't believe I haven't.

[1025] went into him somewhere he's a good dude i he seems like he called me up after the carlson see a thing yeah this is this first words out of his mouth my motherfucker see i knew it i knew that i knew i knew i would like it i i like and look i know he's not crazy about whitey but he does it so funny going after how soft white people are and shit he's he's he's a he's a true to me he's a fun comic man no he seems like a funny guy off stage he's a you know i mean a comics yeah yeah yeah and i never fucking met him i just I thought I'd run into him somewhere, but I guess it's not surprising.

[1026] Madam, you'd love him.

[1027] Why am I...

[1028] Did you see that thing where he got in trouble?

[1029] Yeah, what?

[1030] Chewing out the girl?

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] That's me every night for the last 40 years.

[1033] But you know what he said?

[1034] What he said was funny.

[1035] He goes, Latinos, we have two rules.

[1036] Don't park it from a house.

[1037] Don't marry a black guy.

[1038] I mean, he's just being funny.

[1039] And some lady stats up and starts yelling at him.

[1040] Was she black?

[1041] I don't know.

[1042] I don't know.

[1043] They wouldn't mention it on TMZ.

[1044] You might want to put that in the fucking article.

[1045] It's sort of part of the story.

[1046] I couldn't tell.

[1047] I'm saying yes.

[1048] You think so?

[1049] Yeah.

[1050] Maybe she was white.

[1051] I couldn't tell.

[1052] Maybe she's like, enough.

[1053] No, you're right.

[1054] It could be a white lip, but I'm guessing.

[1055] I was just guessing the way he said it and shit.

[1056] But it's not going to hurt his career.

[1057] No, it's going to help his career.

[1058] Exactly.

[1059] But you would get more trouble.

[1060] Like when Tracy Morgan said, if I have a baby and it was gay, I'd kill it.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] Oh, that, he said, he said, I'd stab that little nigger.

[1063] Oh, is that what he said?

[1064] Oh, that's different.

[1065] Matter of fact, give him a pass.

[1066] I thought he used the word kill, but stab.

[1067] He's fucking hilarious.

[1068] No, but my point being, he got in a little hot water for about a day and a half.

[1069] Well, he actually had to apologize.

[1070] He apologized.

[1071] Okay, fine.

[1072] But if that was you or somebody at your level of fame and you're white, you're apologizing, it wouldn't matter.

[1073] You'd be fucking booted.

[1074] I guess so, man. I just, I feel like you know so.

[1075] There has to be a line where you realize that someone is just fucking around.

[1076] There has to be a line.

[1077] Whatever happened to just fucking around.

[1078] If you want to kill, just fucking around.

[1079] That's Jerry Braun and his fucking followers.

[1080] I don't, I'm not asking him any.

[1081] Nobody knows where he is.

[1082] He's dead.

[1083] He's hiding under the, he's underneath the fucking dam, trying to fix it with crazy glue.

[1084] That's true.

[1085] Nobody has seen him lately?

[1086] Apparently.

[1087] He's old as fuck, man. When you're that old, you're going to have some days where you can't go outside.

[1088] There's going to be some days, right?

[1089] You're shit in your pants.

[1090] You got problems.

[1091] Hip doesn't work.

[1092] He's old.

[1093] But I saw him like, I'd say last summer, right?

[1094] I'd say months ago making it.

[1095] And he seemed like the idiot that he always has been.

[1096] I literally have not seen a thing.

[1097] from him since he's been the governor.

[1098] Not a thing.

[1099] Are you sure?

[1100] Nothing, I don't know anything.

[1101] You're done yoga.

[1102] You get kettlebells.

[1103] You get fucking family.

[1104] I see that fat fuck from New Jersey all the time.

[1105] But he disappeared for a few months.

[1106] In New York, they were asking where he was.

[1107] They were going to kill him.

[1108] I mean, that guy got, there was some real shit that happened when he closed that bridge.

[1109] They closed that bridge.

[1110] Some people, like, were supposed to go to the hospital, couldn't make it to the hospital.

[1111] Yeah.

[1112] I mean, there's lawsuits.

[1113] Joey Diaz's parents probably.

[1114] Is somebody in that area?

[1115] No, I'm just saying.

[1116] From Bergen.

[1117] Yeah, North Bergen.

[1118] Yeah.

[1119] Well, he's going to be in hot water for years for that.

[1120] He'll never escape that.

[1121] And that's one of the reasons why Trump pulled him from the fucking cabinet.

[1122] And now he's criticizing Trump.

[1123] It's kind of interesting.

[1124] Christy, I never, he seemed like a, I loved it.

[1125] Like, I saw a clip Pam telling some woman at a town hall to sit down and shut up, some, you know, screaming about a union and just fucking.

[1126] That's nice when you're local.

[1127] You can do that show them local stuff.

[1128] But I'm saying, but he still seemed kind of whiny to me. And then I saw him in the Yankee uniform.

[1129] Oh, God.

[1130] Jesus, age, Christ.

[1131] When his gunt, his lower pussy area was, like, sticking out.

[1132] There's no way that guy's seen his dick.

[1133] No way.

[1134] No way.

[1135] I don't think his wife can see it from where she's sitting.

[1136] I don't make it be offensive, Mr. Gray.

[1137] He looked like an ice cream cone and started, you know what I mean?

[1138] Yeah.

[1139] He looks like one of those things that you use for pastries to write happy birthday neck.

[1140] A pastry bag.

[1141] You squeeze it?

[1142] Yes.

[1143] Yeah, look at that.

[1144] I mean, just, what the fuck?

[1145] Didn't he know what he looked like?

[1146] He should definitely not have worn that thing.

[1147] He would have been better in a hoop skirt.

[1148] Look, he would have.

[1149] This poor bastard is a, an addict.

[1150] That is a food addict.

[1151] That is 100 % of it.

[1152] Look at the one above it.

[1153] Go to the one above it, Jamie.

[1154] The one which shows his pussy area?

[1155] Look at that.

[1156] What in the fuck is going on there?

[1157] Where's your dick, bro?

[1158] Holy Christ.

[1159] That looks like Hillary's Pantsupe.

[1160] That's goddamn insane.

[1161] That is a goddamn insane pose, too.

[1162] You should never put your hand in your hip like that if you look like that.

[1163] Because don't stand like that.

[1164] You should stand like a sumo wrestler at all times.

[1165] You should have a wide stance.

[1166] You should never let your legs rub together.

[1167] You should be standing like you're ready to shoot a blast double on people.

[1168] Don't you have advisors?

[1169] There's, Janie, can you turn my thing up?

[1170] Do you control my volume?

[1171] Oh, it's probably over here.

[1172] Oh, I can't hear myself.

[1173] There we go, right there.

[1174] Is that better?

[1175] Test thing on to, right there.

[1176] That's good, yeah.

[1177] Yeah, it was on way low.

[1178] He, I got a fail, no, even if he was skinny.

[1179] Damn, we drop biggie.

[1180] Even if he was skinny?

[1181] Yeah, he'd have, like, a horrible.

[1182] Well, he doesn't have the best genetics, but more important than that.

[1183] Well, who knows if he has the best genetics?

[1184] Well, I looked it up.

[1185] He's got a food disease.

[1186] I looked it up on the genealogy site.

[1187] Oh, where's he from?

[1188] His mother was a Malibu in Sicily.

[1189] Look at him, he's running there.

[1190] It looks like Kevin James there.

[1191] I could get that fucking guy in shape, I swear to God.

[1192] I swear to God.

[1193] All I'd have to do is get him off the sugar.

[1194] It would take a while, but he's addicted to sugar.

[1195] No, he lives on salads, they say.

[1196] No dressing or anything.

[1197] There's a picture of him at the game, and he's got a little bag of M &Ms, a large bag of M &Ms, and he's pouring the little bag of M &Ms into the large bag of M &Ms.

[1198] Look at that.

[1199] I'm not joking.

[1200] Look at that.

[1201] See?

[1202] There is him with the fucking M &Ms.

[1203] Oh, that poor bastard.

[1204] He's a sugar out.

[1205] See how he's pouring it in there?

[1206] He's pouring a little one into the big one.

[1207] You're not fat at all.

[1208] What the fuck are you talking about?

[1209] I'm just saying, I don't like sugar, but I can't.

[1210] I was hoping to get Ebola so I could lose this last 20.

[1211] Seriously, that's what happens.

[1212] I do.

[1213] You ship blood for 18 months.

[1214] Just don't eat at night.

[1215] We talked about this before the podcast.

[1216] Don't do that.

[1217] When I heard you say that, I almost fainted because I've been saying that to my wife.

[1218] I said, the only time I've ever lost weight in my life is when I've go to bed hungry.

[1219] It's not just that you lose weight.

[1220] Your body actually produces more dense muscle cell or more.

[1221] lean muscle.

[1222] Yeah, and when you're sleeping, it's burning fat.

[1223] Well, you're sleeping.

[1224] Definitely, but it's also your body has more time to rebuild your tissue.

[1225] You recover better.

[1226] It's not just, like, the going to bed hungry thing is actually good for you.

[1227] Just don't, the idea is, Dr. Ron DePatrick said this.

[1228] You can.

[1229] I can't.

[1230] I feel like a little African kid who needs a fucking sandwich.

[1231] You need an edible.

[1232] Take an edible.

[1233] I'm never doing that again.

[1234] This is why I love you, though, Joe.

[1235] Because the last time I was here, I go, I said, yeah, I mean, I thought about, I'm like, I want to take steroids at this age.

[1236] I'm fucking sick of working out.

[1237] Now, I've said that to about 20 people, and they were all like, well, how would you do that?

[1238] You're going to fucking be a kid.

[1239] You had 55.

[1240] You look to me and you go, why wouldn't you?

[1241] Do it.

[1242] Fuck it.

[1243] They work.

[1244] There's a reason why they banned from sports?

[1245] You didn't even hesitate.

[1246] You go, why wouldn't you?

[1247] With a puzzle look in your face.

[1248] Whenever someone tells me, well, man, you know, at 55 years of age, you really think it's a good idea to take steroids?

[1249] Yes, that's the perfect time.

[1250] Yeah, because you're going to, all turn it up is dying.

[1251] Well, also, you only have like 20 years left anyway.

[1252] Like, what are you going to do?

[1253] True.

[1254] What are you going to do?

[1255] You're going to cut it back?

[1256] Cut it back by five?

[1257] 80.

[1258] Oh, my God.

[1259] I only have 15 years of looking like fucking Sylvester Stallone and Rocky 4.

[1260] Yeah, you pulled up a picture of him.

[1261] And I said, that's got to be from 30 years ago.

[1262] You're like, that's from last Wednesday.

[1263] The guy's still shredded.

[1264] Oh, 100%.

[1265] How does he not find me the doctor?

[1266] I'll pay fucking good money.

[1267] I'll get you a doctor.

[1268] For real.

[1269] Testosterone.

[1270] Where did you made him with the fucking original room?

[1271] No. He's in the belly room.

[1272] Joey Diaz's cousin.

[1273] He was doing a set upstairs.

[1274] got a guy you gotta meet him with the ducks do you have a fake mustache dr vinny boombats well testosterone replacement and hormone replacement therapy is uh there's a real science to it the idea is you don't take too much you take what you would have in your body if you were a younger man that's what you do and people like well you're not a younger man anymore duh like people just want you to wither away and die so you've you've juiced i take testosterone replacement therapy and i've done it for almost 10 years what no what is it 49 yeah 39 I I started when I was like 309, 37, 38.

[1275] I started rubbing this cream on me, which wasn't that effective.

[1276] Was that the clear?

[1277] They call it?

[1278] No, no, that stuff's way better.

[1279] That's way better than anything.

[1280] I take, I take mild stuff.

[1281] I rub that on my dog.

[1282] Here's the thing about the stuff that, like, Barry Bonds takes and all the bodybuilders take.

[1283] Like, they're taking, like, hyperhuman levels.

[1284] I don't fuck with anything like that.

[1285] What I do is I take what I would have in my body naturally when I was, like, 27.

[1286] That's what I take.

[1287] So that, that is healthy.

[1288] And that there's almost no evidence.

[1289] There's evidence that if you have a bad heart, if you're an older person and you start jacking your body up with testosterone and doing crazy workouts, your body's not ready for it.

[1290] But also that could be a conditioning issue.

[1291] There's a lot of factors involved in something like that.

[1292] When people go from being sedentary and out of shape to all of a sudden having young levels of testosterone and then exercise.

[1293] Your body's got to get shocked.

[1294] Yeah.

[1295] So that's when you factor in those situations with people that have like pretty significant heart issues after taking testosterone therapy.

[1296] according to my doctor that's what they're dealing with he's like you can't you have to judge each one of them on an individual basis and he's also like you have to get your blood work done you have to be really meticulous about it course i get my blood work done every couple months but not just for testosterone not just for human growth but also yeah for bad stuff and also for nutrient levels i want to make sure like i found out that i need more niacin in my system i found out i need more vitamin b i'm down vitamin d3 d3 is a big one it's huge it's very important it's very important for um for muscle it's It's very important for the way your brain works.

[1297] It's also works in symbiosis with a bunch of other nutrients.

[1298] You have to have your nutrient levels tested.

[1299] You can't just go, oh, I feel pretty good.

[1300] You might feel pretty good, but there might be some fucking shortcomings in your diet or your supplementation.

[1301] You know, when I played ball up at Maine in college back in the 80s, and they were all juicing.

[1302] And I got a lot of teammates who are, I got one guy who's in like a convalescent home.

[1303] I mean, they were fucking crazy with the shit.

[1304] He's in Convalesan home now at 55?

[1305] He was a, he's, yeah.

[1306] Oh, my God.

[1307] What did he do?

[1308] And another one, there's two other guys, I know they have kidney problems from it.

[1309] But they were muscular, we were college -age kids, and they were fucking, and they were juicing, you know?

[1310] That's not smart.

[1311] But if you wanted to be a pro athlete back then, the fucking Jose Canseco days, you kind of had to.

[1312] Those guys were all gorillas.

[1313] Oh, absolutely.

[1314] Even at Maine, I go, holy shit, these guys were so mean.

[1315] The linemen, and I loved them.

[1316] I hung out with them, like, when they were not drinking and shit.

[1317] But when they would get drunk, and I go, this is at Maine.

[1318] Can imagine what goes on in a university of Miami or all these football factors, USC?

[1319] Can you imagine?

[1320] This is Maine, one -double -A football.

[1321] And I'm like, these guys are fucking crazy.

[1322] Well, that's what gets you ahead.

[1323] And I love them to death.

[1324] And that's, look, what gets us ahead in this sport?

[1325] We're mean as far as, like, the shit we crack jokes on.

[1326] Think about the shit that we say when you and I get together and we just start fucking around.

[1327] No, I do observational shit like David Brennan.

[1328] You ever notice when a sock goes in the dryer?

[1329] It doesn't come out.

[1330] You breathe in and then you breathe out.

[1331] Where to go?

[1332] Where to go?

[1333] Where's the sock go?

[1334] Are you doing psycho?

[1335] Where'd that sock go?

[1336] There's two socks.

[1337] Now there's one.

[1338] Where to go?

[1339] Hicks used to.

[1340] Remember he did a bit of making fun of Jerry?

[1341] Why do you use so many cotton balls?

[1342] When you think about how we talk when we're fucking wrong, because for us, like that's what gets us ahead.

[1343] Is it saying shit that makes us go, oh, Jesus Christ, like you'll say some things when you're around me that I'm sure you probably wouldn't say if you're around other people and I would do the same with you.

[1344] No, that's my problem.

[1345] I say it everywhere.

[1346] That's how football players are.

[1347] That's why I'm in my basement.

[1348] Yeah, no, at that age, you're right.

[1349] No, you're actually right.

[1350] Fighters are like that too.

[1351] Yeah.

[1352] Fighters are like that.

[1353] It's the same way.

[1354] I had a buddy mine, my friend Mike Blythe from South Boston and he was, he was very humble looking.

[1355] Like he used to wear glasses and he's a psycho.

[1356] Oh, he's a psycho as they come.

[1357] And he wore, he's a very, very smart guy.

[1358] And he wore like a golf shirt and he used to, like a polo shirt.

[1359] So he looked like a fucking dork he had his shirt tucked in his pants with his belt the whole deal and he worked at the rat you remember the rat's galler yes yeah yes well he was a bouncer there and people would give him a hard time because the way he looked sure he was just waiting for someone to say something stupid so he could rearrange their face just wait he's a pro boxer he was also but he was setting him up by wearing the shirt he was setting him up like a trap like a decoy duck he was a straight up psycho and he would he would he would wait for someone to get out of line and do something to him push him grab a shirt and then next thing you know crack dudes are flat line and spasming going into seizures yeah this kid uh this kid danny i won't says but the in these four of these guys are from the cape they were they put you know they played football down on cape in high school and they were friends but this one guy uh danny mcclung used to he was big fucking he had these dead dead eyes those those pale blue eyes and you know they look sad you know i mean they like sag down and uh when he got drunk i mean he was like fucking Clint Eastwood in The Unforgiven.

[1360] Oh, no, when he would get drunk?

[1361] Yes.

[1362] Will your money?

[1363] We had, William Money, killer of women and children.

[1364] We had two dogs in our fraternity.

[1365] Two little dogs, a white one on black.

[1366] He threw him in a punch bowl.

[1367] Oh, no. Well, that's really mild.

[1368] The white one was red.

[1369] No, he didn't hurt him, but I'm just saying.

[1370] I thought you were going to say wood chipper.

[1371] And then he'd start beating up men, women, you know, whoever looked at him wrong.

[1372] Yeah, there's guys like that.

[1373] And a few other lineman.

[1374] I shouldn't have singled him out.

[1375] He was actually.

[1376] People feed off each other.

[1377] That's why mob mentality's work.

[1378] The reason why the mob mentality exists is because someone sees someone doing something crazy and the other people get crazy too.

[1379] And here's the thing we need to recognize right now that's going on like UC Berkeley.

[1380] That is mob mentality.

[1381] That is not justice.

[1382] It's not rational.

[1383] It's not a real fucking protest.

[1384] That is a goddamn mob and they are rioting.

[1385] And they're wrong.

[1386] They're wrong.

[1387] Because that guy all he wants to do is talk.

[1388] If someone wants to talk and what you want to do is light the fucking campus on fire and throw a fucking chair through a plate glass window at Starbucks, that is a mentality and it's the same goddamn thing and not only that but all you're doing is pumping him up it's the strice and effect you keep him from fucking protein you keep him from speaking you make him bigger he's gonna be even larger now because of that and you're just showing everybody what your real intentions you're admitting you lost the battle of ideas when you do that that's what it gets physical that's why it gets physical that's what I'm saying this Nazi thing is fucking crazy where everybody calls everybody a Nazi we're talking about the Sarah Silverman thing before the podcast I don't know if she was joking around or not But she put on her Twitter Is this like a Nazi who doesn't know how to make a swastika And everybody just tore her apart Because everybody wants to call everybody a Nazi today And those symbols on the ground It's what people do when they're surveyors And they want to mark where the power is Or where the gas lines are They have specific lines So that like it's just specific colors for electricity A different color for gas line And she's like oh look they don't know how to make a swastika Out of anything Yeah it's like what the fuck is going on with everybody calling everybody a Nazi.

[1389] Well, that's like an old ploy from the left.

[1390] I'm 55.

[1391] I mean, every Republican that ever ran since I've been, you know, was always labeled a Nazi.

[1392] There it is.

[1393] You know.

[1394] See, this is the line.

[1395] Walking to get coffee saw these all over a sidewalk in town.

[1396] I'm in.

[1397] Is an attempt at swastikas?

[1398] Do the neo -Nazis not have Google?

[1399] She just...

[1400] Eh, it's a combination of...

[1401] She's being silly?

[1402] She being silly.

[1403] I hope she's being silly.

[1404] It's a little of both.

[1405] You can take it either one.

[1406] Okay.

[1407] It's a construction marker.

[1408] Innocent mistake.

[1409] for a Jew that gets burnt in an oven.

[1410] What?

[1411] At least weekly on Twitter.

[1412] Still pretty close, though.

[1413] Oh, okay.

[1414] No, it's the wrong way.

[1415] And it's an S with a line in it.

[1416] It looks like Swanson's dinners.

[1417] Remember Swanson?

[1418] That would have been the joke, a dyslexic.

[1419] Did a dyslexic German kid draw this?

[1420] You know, something of that.

[1421] Well, I don't know.

[1422] She's got big kids.

[1423] An innocent mistake, she says.

[1424] Someone gets burnt in an oven at Twitter.

[1425] So she's, because of the shit that people say to her, on Twitter, she's saying that's why she's doing it?

[1426] Is that why she lost me on the oven thing?

[1427] I think what she's trying to do is take some of the blame away from her for putting something ridiculous on Twitter and by saying that people tell her to get in an oven because she's a Jew and this is why she's sensitive.

[1428] Oh, no. This Nazi thing that everybody's saying punch Nazis, have you seen this lately?

[1429] We should punch Nazis.

[1430] How do you decide who's a Nazi?

[1431] They're fucking, anybody who doesn't think like them, Joe?

[1432] Who's a Nazi?

[1433] Anybody who doesn't think like a fucking lefty is a Nazi.

[1434] It's very crazy.

[1435] It's very crazy.

[1436] It's a very crazy thing we've got going on now Because by calling someone a Nazi You can immediately hit them Yeah It's way out of whack It's real weird It's way out of fucking whack I'm hoping it settles down But I don't think it's gonna I feel like this Trump thing Is just gonna ramp up Because he keeps doing stupid shit Like the way he's disagreeing with the Supreme Court See you in court Like what court Which court?

[1437] You were in court You just lost in court You're gonna see him in court again Like what's going on here Yeah it could go to Supreme Court now Okay see even another court is that what you're saying yeah I'm I'm undecided on that I understand why he tweets because the you know the fucking media is just ridiculously unfair to him so but but he does it too much yeah you know I mean wait for big things and and but you know yeah you don't have to be how do you feel like they're unfair to him like what do you think is unfair I know I shouldn't have said that no no I'm just asking just what are you kidding me it just what give me a specific example like how so well what did I see this morning oh he had a meeting down at Mar -largo he down there, his place in Florida, and they were talking about, I guess they were talking about Russia at the table, and the headlines on CNN.

[1438] He's discussing military secrets in public, you know, at Mara, what's it called?

[1439] Trump turns Mar -a -Lago Club terrorists into open -air situation.

[1440] I mean, everything he does, Joe.

[1441] You know, they usually get a new president's get a fucking honeymoon.

[1442] This guy's been under attack.

[1443] It's just ridiculous.

[1444] Well, I mean.

[1445] Everything he says they fucking go after.

[1446] But don't you think that he is also instigating a lot of this by, like, when he pointed to that guy from CNN and said, you're fake news?

[1447] Oh, that was refreshing to me. Well, I've been saying that since 1988 before I even follow politics.

[1448] I go, does anybody watch this fucking network and see how fucking stupid it is?

[1449] I mean, they're blatantly fucking left wing.

[1450] Well, they're blatantly left wing.

[1451] Fox is blatantly right wing.

[1452] They're not.

[1453] You don't think Fox is blatantly right way?

[1454] You get both.

[1455] And I love having this argument because everybody says that to me. I go, well, do you watch Fox and I'm going?

[1456] No, it wouldn't.

[1457] It's too stupid.

[1458] Then how the fuck do you know?

[1459] You get both.

[1460] There's people at Fox who hate Trump.

[1461] I spend time over that.

[1462] I know who...

[1463] There's guys on during the day.

[1464] Fucking Shepid Smith.

[1465] Fucking hates him.

[1466] Who else?

[1467] There's a woman who hates him.

[1468] Shepard Smith's an interesting character.

[1469] Does he admit he's gay?

[1470] I keep telling him, but he won't admit it.

[1471] He looks beautiful.

[1472] He attacked me. If I was gay.

[1473] What?

[1474] He attacked me. For what?

[1475] Him and Judge Nipp.

[1476] Joe's like a real innocent.

[1477] For what?

[1478] Nick?

[1479] You probably didn't provoke that, did you?

[1480] And the judge did it?

[1481] Yeah, Napolitano, I do too I'm a fan He wants to come on the podcast I gotta get that guy on We were talking about what a badass he is The uh...

[1482] the strategy Something called the strategy room Years ago No, it was a streaming show on Fox What did you do wrong?

[1483] I showed up Be honest And we were talking about the elections And I go well the fucking media Was in the tank for Obama And Shepard Smith I just met him He's sitting there And they fucking double -teamed me It's probably still Huh?

[1484] he goes you're it's so typical you're the type of guy you could tell he hated he must have known me from like tough crowd or whatever and hated my politics you could tell it was something before I met him then when everyone someone says you're the blame every yeah you have to blame every yeah you have to blame every yeah you have to blame everybody he went off like a fucking fight and for once in my life I sort of sat there like a like a mature because he was making an ass of himself oh so you let him yeah wow would you get that constraint I don't know that day that day was just there just for that five minutes I've never had it again I was in the tank I was too lazy to fight back No I was in a I'm in the Fox building I was trying to show some respect But you could tell He has since asked me like to come on a show So you haven't No I couldn't I was going so I was on the road or something He wondered but but I don't hold that shit Against anybody because You know I fly off the handle all the time But it came out of I could tell he must have known my comedy And didn't like it Thought I was homophobic or whatever the fuck Yeah probably that Do you know I mean?

[1485] And so he went with the right -wing thing.

[1486] Yeah.

[1487] Well, he said, you're the type of person has to blame people.

[1488] I didn't know what the fuck that meant.

[1489] I'm a big fan of blaming people, especially when he do something.

[1490] Exactly.

[1491] Totally blame them.

[1492] That's how people learn.

[1493] That's how people learn, stupid.

[1494] No, I know.

[1495] How else do they learn if you don't blame them?

[1496] But yeah, I mean.

[1497] If you don't blame them, they just keep getting away with shit.

[1498] You know, like people, my mother always used to say to me, you don't let anything go.

[1499] And I go, I still don't at this age.

[1500] If an eight -year -old girl fucking gives me lip and I think she's run.

[1501] I'll tell her why you know why it's a teaching moment that once president said gotta let them know otherwise they don't know it's a learning moment think of it like that yeah if you don't let them know you know what happens you get spoiled kings I mean that's what a spoiled kings that's a name on my next CD that's a good idea but I mean that's what someone is when they they just anyone can tell them anything I mean that's what you always say about like super rich celebrities you always hear that about people that are untouchable they don't speak to like when Merrill Streep got in front of all those people right and was giving that that speech you know and she was going off when that that is someone that never has anyone talking to her and correcting her and telling her how ridiculous well that's like that's 98 % of hollywood exactly yeah especially really famous people like when you get into that tom cruise realm where they just they don't communicate with anybody right that's that's that's not a it's not a good thing it's not a good thing you have no one call you out on your shit yeah you mean fucking tom cruz's sous chef might not be Republican?

[1502] Tom Cruise's soushef is from fucking Planet Theton.

[1503] For sure.

[1504] I learned that from Leah Remini.

[1505] Everybody around that guy is a Scientologist.

[1506] Everyone.

[1507] You know, I didn't know that Giovanni Rubisi is a Scientologist.

[1508] So now I see that ad for his new show.

[1509] I'm like, look at that crazy fuck.

[1510] Who is that?

[1511] That's all that.

[1512] Giovanni Ribisi?

[1513] He's been in a shitload of movies.

[1514] Very good actor.

[1515] But he's in that new Amazon things.

[1516] Sneaky Pete.

[1517] There he is.

[1518] That guy.

[1519] Scientology as fuck.

[1520] Look, look at that mustache.

[1521] That picture we just clicking on.

[1522] Go to that one of the, yeah, look at that.

[1523] That's a look.

[1524] What the hell?

[1525] Hmm.

[1526] Ladies, imagine that look, chewing down in your box.

[1527] Yeah, he's a Scientologist.

[1528] He looks it.

[1529] It is amazing that there's still people in that.

[1530] Amazing.

[1531] I know.

[1532] There's only 10 ,000 people, according to Leah Remini.

[1533] How many at its peak?

[1534] Worldwide.

[1535] How many at its...

[1536] Oh, fuckload.

[1537] Fuckload.

[1538] Yeah.

[1539] They have so much money, though.

[1540] What's incredible is those people have donated so much money.

[1541] They're like the number two real estate holders in Los Angeles.

[1542] Yeah, that's what I've, they're all over the place.

[1543] They're like fucking Starbucks.

[1544] A lot of cash.

[1545] David Mischavich.

[1546] They're a good group to have behind you if they're behind you.

[1547] Like if you're a Scientologist and you're also like an actor or something like that, they'll fucking insulate you.

[1548] Did you ask her that?

[1549] That's what I wanted to ask her if ever met her because you had a lot of success while you were doing that, like in your profession as an actor.

[1550] Did you attribute it to do you think Scientology help you?

[1551] She definitely did at one point in time, yeah.

[1552] I think what, you think about, like, the work that's involved, like, she was telling me that every day they'd have to do two and a half hours worth of work.

[1553] Every day, you're constantly working on it and constantly, like, reading the stuff and going over things.

[1554] I think any time you have that kind of discipline, that translates over to other things.

[1555] Like, people ask me, like, how can you, like, why do you have so much discipline, like, with comedy or with all the, like, how much you work so hard?

[1556] Because I had to with fighting.

[1557] If you don't have discipline with fighting, you get fucked up.

[1558] just the way it is you get your shit kicked out of you sports is good sports are very good so young kids okay fucking it's good to lose we don't want to have gym class it's unfair shut the fuck up if you don't i know a comic i won't say his name but he's been pretty open about it about one of the reasons why he's fucked up as an adult because his parents didn't encourage him to do anything competitive when he was young so he didn't learn how mark man he didn't didn't learn how to lose yeah that seems like that seems like half the fucking democrats now yeah you that are freaking out that trump I'm like did any of these people sports?

[1559] Seriously?

[1560] I think there's a lot of people that are freaking out that Trump won because this guy is, first of all, he's not using the secret service, he's using his own security people.

[1561] He's tweeting.

[1562] He's bigger problems.

[1563] He's got a black, or he's got an Android phone that someone could easily hack into.

[1564] He's a maniac.

[1565] I mean, he's basically running things his way like he does a business.

[1566] And you got to abandon all that.

[1567] The country is a business.

[1568] It's not really.

[1569] Yeah, it is.

[1570] It's a corporation.

[1571] That's all I've been hearing from the left since I was 10 years old.

[1572] Now you get a businessman there.

[1573] I think he's like, well, you're eating wood over there.

[1574] He's going crazy.

[1575] He's turned to a beaver.

[1576] He starts talking about this coffee.

[1577] He's eating stirs.

[1578] I drank.

[1579] Caveman coffee.

[1580] I drank fucking almost all of this.

[1581] And I got to get on a plane in a couple hours.

[1582] I'm going to be shitting blood.

[1583] You're going to be very creative on that plane.

[1584] I hope you brought a laptop.

[1585] You're going to have some thoughts.

[1586] I have a coloring book and what else?

[1587] Some Rorschach prints for my childhood.

[1588] You could write in your phone.

[1589] I've got to get a new mug.

[1590] Take that pad with you.

[1591] I'll give you.

[1592] you a pen.

[1593] You're going to write some great jokes on the way home.

[1594] Do you?

[1595] No, but you mentioned that earlier.

[1596] You write when you're fucking high, right?

[1597] All the time.

[1598] Yeah.

[1599] Yeah.

[1600] Almost always.

[1601] I write sober.

[1602] I write sober.

[1603] I do everything sober and high.

[1604] I do both.

[1605] I take a couple of cedron p .m. before I write, and that's why I've slowed down as far as productive.

[1606] No, so you fucking...

[1607] Yeah.

[1608] Well, I think, uh, I'm, I got to believe Stephen Wright used to write like that, right?

[1609] I don't think he did.

[1610] No?

[1611] I think he's just a really bright guy.

[1612] You know, Stephen Wright's stuff was almost like too obscure to write when you're high.

[1613] I used to work in a fire hydrant plant.

[1614] Couldn't park anywhere near the place.

[1615] Like that kind of stuff.

[1616] Me and him hung out for a week doing Horace and Pete.

[1617] Louis's, uh, in that thing he did.

[1618] So me and Stephen became like an asshole buddies for that week.

[1619] Everything out of my mouth, he'd be fucking belly laughing at insane here.

[1620] And then Louis had Alan Alda saying all the saying all this racist shit as this racist old bartender i mean dropping the end bomb and shit did you did you ever see it i never saw harrison p is it only online on louis's website or is it somewhere else no i don't that's a great question it's got to it's gonna end up i gotta end up on netflix that's what i felt like i felt like i'm just gonna wait but he had he had uh he had a woman one of the characters had Tourette's and the and she'd yell out like fucking N -word and shit and i don't fucking nah you know and i can't even say it even on your podcast guys there.

[1621] But me and Stephen would look at each other, you know, he'd be sitting at the end of the bar and I'd see his shoulders straying out to left.

[1622] Because Alan Alder is saying the end where Hawkeye Pierce is like being this racist.

[1623] And Louis had this girl who's supposed to have Tourette's in the show saying the most heinous shit you have ever heard.

[1624] And me and Steve and your comics.

[1625] We've been comics our whole life, so you think you'd be jaded at that.

[1626] But only Louis could come up with shit so outrageous.

[1627] But to see it coming out of Hawkeye Pierce's mouth, a liberal from the west side was making me hard.

[1628] That's hilarious.

[1629] And Stephen was crying.

[1630] He put his head down, you know.

[1631] They would fucking...

[1632] That is fucking hilarious.

[1633] Yeah, that was so much fun.

[1634] Did he do Horace and Pete with, like, real people and then animated over the real people?

[1635] Is that how he did it?

[1636] No, he shot it like a play.

[1637] So it's not an animated show?

[1638] No, no. Oh, I was under the impression that was an animated show.

[1639] Joe, please watch it.

[1640] Okay.

[1641] You'll love it.

[1642] This is how Louis described at one of the interviews because it's like really dark and kind of...

[1643] He goes, it's kind of depressing and shit.

[1644] He goes, it's like the show, cheer.

[1645] if everybody had cancer around the bar dude you'll eat it up okay first of all you're from the same hometown right is Louis yeah yeah um you'll fucking eat it up it's it's I think it's the best shit he's ever done really he said that too didn't he like go broke making it he well he went on not really no exactly emptied his whatever he had laying around he went on stirring to explain like his people going Lou's fucking broke and he went on one of these radio shows and he went out he goes every every production company when they're doing a production is in the red.

[1646] He goes, I'll go tour for three months, and I'll make my money back.

[1647] But, yeah, he spent a ton of his own money.

[1648] Yeah, that's what I...

[1649] Which is so balzy of him, you know?

[1650] It's so funny when people say that.

[1651] Like, Louis C .K .'s broke.

[1652] Oh, Louis C. He does one show, and he's not broke anymore.

[1653] Do you understand that?

[1654] Yeah.

[1655] He'll do Madison Square Garden and make more than you do in 10 years.

[1656] Like, what are you talking?

[1657] He does, one hour he makes, like, years and years of salary.

[1658] Like, stop.

[1659] He's not broke.

[1660] No, exactly.

[1661] Yeah.

[1662] You'll eat the shit up.

[1663] I'm telling you.

[1664] I'm sure.

[1665] I love everything.

[1666] There's not one thing he's ever done that I don't like.

[1667] He's so, he goes, come over to my house.

[1668] This was, you know, before he did Horace and Pete.

[1669] I started with the comedy cell.

[1670] He goes, give me a ride home.

[1671] So he goes, come in.

[1672] And he's showing, I'm working on the, he goes, read this.

[1673] And I read some fucking shit.

[1674] And then I know a week later, he goes, come to my house tomorrow for lunch.

[1675] I fucking ring the doorbell.

[1676] Alan Alder opens the door.

[1677] I'm like, what the fuck?

[1678] Where does he live?

[1679] Don't say exactly.

[1680] Don't give his address.

[1681] He's, uh, 211 Bleaker Street, apartment 3C, 4th floor.

[1682] He's got a red door.

[1683] Dong.

[1684] He lives right around, you know, he lives within fucking, you know, half mile the comedy seller somewhere.

[1685] And he just bought another thing.

[1686] So he's got a lot of, moves around.

[1687] But I, so I say, Alan Alde answer the door.

[1688] I, I go in the kitchen, Steve Ashimi's in the kitchen.

[1689] I'm meeting all these.

[1690] And then, you know who?

[1691] Edie Falco rings the door bell like five minutes later.

[1692] And we're sitting there reading the script.

[1693] She's tired of that, nurse.

[1694] Nurse Jackie.

[1695] She'd get kind of mad at me because I go, I went up to her.

[1696] I said, I go, one of the best actors I've ever, you know, I go, I'm still hung up on the supri - I go, I still watch the soprano's, like, on a loop, and she goes, that's too bad.

[1697] And she, like, walked away.

[1698] Because, you know, actress, famous people, if you don't know their latest work, they get kind of bent out of shape.

[1699] Oh, really?

[1700] She got bent out of shape?

[1701] A little bit.

[1702] That's how I read it.

[1703] She takes herself seriously.

[1704] When I said it to her, I was choking her.

[1705] She's like, this fucking asshole.

[1706] I saw Shepard Smith tear you a new asshole.

[1707] She loved me. No, she was, she fucking loved me. She was working with Ferrara.

[1708] Adam Farr was on that nurse jacket Yes And she was great I had a little, you know Line or two with her She's a bartender But you gotta watch it Just to see the woman with Tourette's She'll be right in the middle of like a serious conversation Look my pussy, you fucking asshole Whoa And I look over at Steven Wright He's trying to put his head down And that's supposed to be like And then Louis Louis would be behind the bar Right In some scenes he'd be bartending And like Edie Falco We'd have a chat with some other actors In the scene he'd come over to me And like Had a little piece of paper He'd draw shit like a big dick I mean, he is psychotic.

[1709] He hands me a note, and it says, we used to do the naughty pine for $75.

[1710] Do you remember that gig in Quincy called a naughty pine?

[1711] Yeah, I do remember that gig.

[1712] He hands me that.

[1713] And I turned it over.

[1714] I wrote back, I go, I'm doing it next week for 125.

[1715] Is that a Barry Cats gig?

[1716] Yes, it was a Barry Cat's.

[1717] It was like a dance floor.

[1718] Oh, those are the best.

[1719] They'd bring you on, the ball spinning, and they'd go, Okay, get off the dance, so we've got a comedian coming up.

[1720] Didn't you get in a fistfight in one of those places?

[1721] I guess there was always the rumor.

[1722] No, I get to do fistfight and two actual comedy clubs?

[1723] Yeah, giggles in Seattle.

[1724] And giggles and Boston, which are totally unrelated.

[1725] Giggles and Seattle's not around anymore, right?

[1726] That was like a real, wasn't it like a real Christian room or something like that?

[1727] You had to be clean?

[1728] No. Fuck, no. Are you kidding me?

[1729] I had people on a headlock.

[1730] I was a hero out there.

[1731] You would have loved it.

[1732] Yeah, two different incidents.

[1733] And with my act, I was talking about it.

[1734] the woman who runs the club in Chicago.

[1735] I go, I've only been in, like, I've only had two altercations, and she goes, that's it with that fucking act?

[1736] I go, exactly.

[1737] I go, I'd say that's pretty damn good.

[1738] That is pretty good.

[1739] Broke my hands on both, though.

[1740] You broke your hands, punching people?

[1741] Jesus.

[1742] Well, I didn't start.

[1743] I mean, they fucking, they were punching back, Joe.

[1744] Don't act like a sucker.

[1745] Throw elbows.

[1746] Very difficult to break your elbow.

[1747] Well, I know, you have to teach me. I'll show you.

[1748] But I got the shoulders of a hundred -year -old man, you know.

[1749] Well, didn't you have, like, you had serious shoulder.

[1750] Reconstruction on both of them.

[1751] Does it feel good now?

[1752] Do they feel all right?

[1753] They never bothered me. I went on to play.

[1754] I wasn't supposed to, after high school, the guy did him right after high school, and they told me you shouldn't really go play.

[1755] And I went up to Maine and played football.

[1756] And the guy did such a good job.

[1757] I still remember his name, Lyle McKaley.

[1758] He still gives speeches about that.

[1759] He's got to be in his 70s now.

[1760] Wow.

[1761] And he did such a great job of putting my shoulders back together that I played a couple of years in college.

[1762] And they're fine.

[1763] And I don't even have pain like when I wake up with them.

[1764] I'm sure that's going to change in a week.

[1765] Well, do you do exercises with him?

[1766] Yeah.

[1767] Well, I, you know, I work out.

[1768] But for exercises specifically for shoulders, I just started doing within the last few years because I had shoulder injuries.

[1769] But one of the best ones ever is kettlebells, like bottoms up kettlebells.

[1770] I think you showed me. I don't think I showed you this, because this is one that I've recently gotten into.

[1771] What the fuck?

[1772] Is that 120 pounds?

[1773] No, this is only 40 pounds.

[1774] But you do bottoms up, meaning you hold it like this, so you have to balance it.

[1775] So all your stabilization muscles.

[1776] Oh, yeah.

[1777] They're all like constantly adjusting and moving.

[1778] And then that lands on your nose.

[1779] No, it's all good for your grip, too.

[1780] So you work on those.

[1781] And, well, you know what's good to say it for me?

[1782] I used to laugh at people that use the, you know what.

[1783] Those means, those flies.

[1784] Yeah.

[1785] Yeah, those are good.

[1786] Those are good.

[1787] But it's good for you, you know what I mean?

[1788] Yeah, I never used to do specific shoulder exercises.

[1789] I did everything, and the shoulders got worked while I was doing all those things, but I never did specific shoulder exercises until I had a shoulder injury.

[1790] Yeah.

[1791] Then I started doing a lot of rotation exercises, all these different things to build.

[1792] up the rotator cough and stuff.

[1793] Yeah, right after the surgery, I did a ton of that.

[1794] Yeah, you got to do all that stuff.

[1795] This guy was so good.

[1796] Lyle McKayley.

[1797] I went to a doctor a couple years ago in New York and Westchester County where I live because I was having problems with my road.

[1798] And he goes, boy, what's with the scars?

[1799] I go, I had something called a Bankart procedure back in the 80s.

[1800] And I go, a guy named Lyle McKaley did it.

[1801] He goes, I'll be damned.

[1802] He goes, I went to a convention up in Harvard, doctor's convention.

[1803] He was speaking about shoulder, fucking injuries.

[1804] Wow.

[1805] Yeah, he was the Patriots guy back then.

[1806] And God bless my parents to find, like, a decent doctor.

[1807] And he did a great fucking job.

[1808] I can't, right after I had him done, I couldn't bench heavy anymore and shit.

[1809] You know, I mean, you know, stuff behind my neck is...

[1810] There's a lot of people don't believe in bench and heavy anyway.

[1811] I don't have a benching heavy just fucks your shoulders up no matter what.

[1812] That's how I originally fucked them up.

[1813] Yeah.

[1814] Especially back in the 80s, nobody knew about warming up and stretching.

[1815] I was like benching with a line minute.

[1816] Oh, God.

[1817] And what happens is you're still growing at that point.

[1818] Yeah, you were a big fuck when I first met you.

[1819] When I first met you, it was very encouraging to me because I had always thought that to be a comic, you had to be out of shape and goofy looking.

[1820] And I always felt...

[1821] They hate us.

[1822] Yeah, I felt like I didn't belong.

[1823] And then I saw Joe on stage killing, and I was like, whew, I want to be okay.

[1824] But you know what?

[1825] They fucking still hate.

[1826] Nothing has changed.

[1827] Well, Marin even admitted it to me. Like, when I did this podcast, he was saying, like, I always re -hated you.

[1828] You shouldn't be doing this.

[1829] This is our thing.

[1830] And I was like, well, that's crazy.

[1831] That was the mentality.

[1832] It's like, what are you talking about?

[1833] What has that got to do with being funny?

[1834] I love this idea.

[1835] You have to have low self -esteem, shitty parents, a shitty upbringing.

[1836] You have to punch up.

[1837] I think it's funnier when you punch down.

[1838] What's funny than punching a little kid in the back of the head?

[1839] There's definitely things that are funnier than that.

[1840] I'm kidding.

[1841] I have kids.

[1842] You're all there punching other people's kids.

[1843] I wouldn't punch your kids.

[1844] I mean kids that deserve it.

[1845] You know, Irish kids.

[1846] But punching, like, I had an argument with this professor who wrote a book on comedy.

[1847] Remember that guy?

[1848] Orrin Corey.

[1849] I don't remember his name.

[1850] He wrote a book on comedy.

[1851] He was like, well, punching up is always funnier.

[1852] And I'm like, okay, that's not true.

[1853] That's not true.

[1854] Sam Kinnison's bit about starving kids in Africa is one of the greatest bits of all time.

[1855] And it's as punching down as you ever can get.

[1856] Because it's so fucked up.

[1857] You're listening to it.

[1858] Oh, Jesus.

[1859] I can't believe you're saying this.

[1860] And you're fucking crying laughing.

[1861] Funny is funny.

[1862] Well, you equated, you know, like sports and comedy.

[1863] Like you said, football and fighting.

[1864] And when I'm going to fight, I throw up down sideways.

[1865] Every angle.

[1866] Right, in a lot of ways, yeah.

[1867] And it's, yeah.

[1868] They come from, punches come from everywhere.

[1869] Exactly.

[1870] That's why this whole thing about punching down is so fucking stupid or the idea that you have to be a dork in order to be funny.

[1871] Some of the funniest people I ever met were savages.

[1872] Like, that's where I learned how to do comedy who's in the gym.

[1873] I know.

[1874] Guys, that's the reason why I got in to stand up in the first place is I would make people laugh when we were on a bus on the way to tournaments.

[1875] It was like Gallo's humor.

[1876] There you go.

[1877] Everybody was scared and I would be the guy who was making everybody laugh.

[1878] They were all savages.

[1879] Yeah?

[1880] Those guys at a time with the lineman that took the fucking stare.

[1881] They were some of the funniest motherfuckers I've ever met in my life.

[1882] I'm sure.

[1883] And not dumb jock funny.

[1884] They, I mean, they would actually come up with clever shit.

[1885] But, yeah, that was the mentality.

[1886] Like Kevin Flynn.

[1887] I remember Kevin.

[1888] He's soccer player, UMass.

[1889] He was like a real good soccer player, right?

[1890] And he used to talk about it because him and me came together at the Boston scene.

[1891] He was another one.

[1892] He was a jock.

[1893] And they hated us.

[1894] And I love fucking Gina.

[1895] I still do.

[1896] The first night I met Janine.

[1897] it was a fucking like open mic or i'd been in the business about fucking eight my 10 months maybe it was at stitches i walk in she's sitting in like the little box office she goes nice acid washed jeans and they weren't they were faded fucking they were actually faded they were actually faded they were they she goes nice acid watch jeans and and i i never met before i go nice i go nice boots what are you going clamming lady you cunt that's how i met jeanine garapelow and it and it didn't even faze her which made me like her number one she didn't even Even fucking, she kind of like smirked.

[1898] And then, and people, even now, my friends don't believe that you, how do you like her comedy and shit?

[1899] I watched her at Stitches going on after Steve Sweeney, you know, the whole boys club.

[1900] And I did that young comedian special.

[1901] She always had her own point of view and shit.

[1902] You know, it's not, but my friends always never believe that.

[1903] That you like that.

[1904] I kind of think she's funny.

[1905] Well, we used to play softball with her.

[1906] Did you really?

[1907] Yeah, she used to be on that comedian softball thing.

[1908] We used to meet on Mondays.

[1909] Where in New York?

[1910] No, Boston.

[1911] Yeah, Dave Cross was in it.

[1912] Yeah, there was a lot of people.

[1913] Some good athletes, Janine, David Cross.

[1914] Brian Frazier.

[1915] You remember Brian Frazier?

[1916] He was another one.

[1917] What happened to him, Joe?

[1918] You think he's writing now.

[1919] He was another one.

[1920] That guy was giant.

[1921] He was fucking built like a brick shit house.

[1922] One time he went on stage with a shirt on, like a golf shirt.

[1923] And after I got him off stage, you go, dude, you can't dress like that.

[1924] I go, look, I'm your friend.

[1925] And I can't stop staring at your arms.

[1926] You can't dress like that Because he was a bodybuilder at one point in time He got really big Yeah absolutely right And who else There was another Brian Kylie Remember the fucking fucking Who's a gorilla And he's like a really cerebral writer Yeah So yeah that whole myth of You know And they do resent you And I still feel like an outsider In this business I still I got a couple friends You know You're not an outsider at all Well you know Colin Quinn is like You know We're on the phone every now He's probably my closest and Louis, but they're not, I don't have much in common with them outside of, outside of the showbiz.

[1927] Well, you can't go to the UCB.

[1928] I have.

[1929] Just to ruin their night.

[1930] Go in and I blow it up.

[1931] I go follow that.

[1932] Go tell a fuck another mediocre story with two punchlines every 30 minutes.

[1933] Well, go there and not get paid, too.

[1934] How about that?

[1935] Stupid fucks.

[1936] They allowed these people to create an empire with not paying the comedians.

[1937] That is so disgusting.

[1938] Duncan Trussell had a whole bit about it.

[1939] like it's like what have you done like you've decided to do this one thing this one place where the cerebral people go you make all the money that's not very cerebral right that seems pretty fucking stupid how they do that how do they get away with that i don't know i don't understand it people there's always people who you know want to be in the arts they'll fucking work but nothing and they also want to be in the inside they want to be on the inside yeah i never felt that way they want to be in the click you got to go there to be in the click like uh Like Pat Nosswell, who I've, you know, he came on a tough crowd and, um, he almost insinuated that I was like a dick joke specialism.

[1940] And even Colin, we like fucking, what?

[1941] We, you know.

[1942] That you're a dick show specialist?

[1943] Yeah.

[1944] I made a joke on that episode, a black dick joke or something.

[1945] And he kind of implied that's what I do or something.

[1946] And like me and Colin turned on him.

[1947] And, uh, and I'm like, I never, I always thought he's kind of overrated as a stand.

[1948] But I've really grown to love his stand -up.

[1949] Stand -up's very good.

[1950] Yeah, he's a great rap, but he's a nerdy who we have nothing in common.

[1951] But I like people like that.

[1952] They don't necessarily, I think they're like more close.

[1953] The so -called tolerant crowd is a lot less tolerant than I am.

[1954] It's true.

[1955] It is true.

[1956] You mean, tolerant people, would they consider themselves to be progressive people, are oftentimes very intolerant.

[1957] He's not.

[1958] Patton's actually.

[1959] He's a good dude.

[1960] I hit him up on Twitter and, you know, and so, you know, of actually.

[1961] but yeah I still feel I don't watch movies I hate the political correctness I haven't you know big bang theory and shit I go what am I doing?

[1962] You know his wife died from that fucking fentanyl shit She's another one who died Yeah Is that what caused her?

[1963] Yep that goddamn fentanyl The same shit that killed Prince Same shit that killed a buddy mine Is that with the autopsies?

[1964] Yes yes Yeah It was a combination of things But fentanyl was in the mix Yeah because he said not too long ago He said, he thought it was like an accidental overdose, right?

[1965] Yeah, that's what it is.

[1966] How fucking horrible, man. Fentanyl is supposedly hundreds of times, it was hundreds or thousands of times stronger.

[1967] Someone was explaining it the other day, stronger than opioid, than regular opiates, than oxycontins.

[1968] Yeah, it was a horse sterilizer, a horse tranquilizer, rather.

[1969] Yeah, that's not good.

[1970] Yeah, it's fucking terrifying.

[1971] Terrifying, shit, that stuff.

[1972] They decided that oxycontins are killing people quick enough, so they came up with this stuff.

[1973] And if you fuck up one way or the other with that, fentanyl, just a slight overdose, I'm a pus.

[1974] I'm a pus.

[1975] That fentanyl shit is terrifying.

[1976] It's killing people like crazy.

[1977] But you like your mushrooms and shit, right?

[1978] Yeah, but that's stuff.

[1979] No, I know, but I'm just saying I would never do that.

[1980] You understand?

[1981] I would never do that in a trillion years.

[1982] Oh, you should do it.

[1983] You should definitely do it.

[1984] It's good for it.

[1985] Are you kidding me?

[1986] It kills your ego.

[1987] I might as well have been doing mushroom.

[1988] It kills the ego.

[1989] It's good for you.

[1990] It kills it.

[1991] What are you trying to say?

[1992] It was good to step outside yourself and see who you are.

[1993] Kill my ego.

[1994] What do you try to do?

[1995] It'll come back.

[1996] It'll come back.

[1997] I'm just saying that, like, it gives you the opportunity to look at yourself.

[1998] No, she'll go crazy.

[1999] She'll shit her pants.

[2000] She'll, yeah, it'll be terrible.

[2001] She'll be like that bathtub girl.

[2002] You ever see the bathtub girl?

[2003] No. The one Japanese lady with her asshole in the air, shit spraying up in the air and hitting her in the face.

[2004] That was Margaret Cho's last special.

[2005] Is that what you're talking about?

[2006] Come on, guys.

[2007] Quit being a little fucking L .A. faggots.

[2008] Oh, he said faggots.

[2009] How dare you?

[2010] How dare you?

[2011] I say faggot.

[2012] all the time, and I will continue to say faggot.

[2013] Wow.

[2014] I always call, I said that on stage other night.

[2015] Faggot, I think Louis actually had a bit about it, but I've called everybody but a gay person a faggot.

[2016] My brother, you know, fucking Louis.

[2017] Don't you?

[2018] It's a good word.

[2019] Yeah, it's a good word.

[2020] And I said that on the unmasked thing I did with Ron Bennington, he goes, so you think that makes it right?

[2021] And I go, yeah.

[2022] Ron Bennington was trying to progress of you?

[2023] How dare he?

[2024] Your whole show is about.

[2025] He's a good dude.

[2026] No, my whole show isn't.

[2027] No, his whole, Ron Barrington's whole show.

[2028] Is what?

[2029] breaking down, silly, silly, uh...

[2030] Is there really?

[2031] Hard rules.

[2032] I don't get to listen to that much.

[2033] It's a fun show.

[2034] I love him.

[2035] He's smart and funny.

[2036] I don't hear it anymore.

[2037] I don't have serious anymore.

[2038] I stopped with the...

[2039] You better get it again, Joe.

[2040] Because I'm going to do...

[2041] I might get a show on there.

[2042] Well, I'll get it off BitTorrent.

[2043] Huh?

[2044] Oh, yeah, that's...

[2045] I even know about that site.

[2046] You get BitTorrent shit.

[2047] I'll find it so want to put it online.

[2048] I'll get...

[2049] I just...

[2050] Get in your car.

[2051] One of your eight cars.

[2052] When you go into a fucking tunnel, it doesn't work.

[2053] I refuse to support that.

[2054] Oh, you're Chris Christy?

[2055] What the fuck?

[2056] No, I think it's fucking stupid.

[2057] I think it's stupid.

[2058] I think satellite is stupid.

[2059] I think Internet is the way to go.

[2060] I think you're living in the dark ages because I go through the tunnel.

[2061] I go through the tunnels in New Jersey.

[2062] Now you can listen to the satellite radio?

[2063] Regular radio.

[2064] Regular radio, but not satellite radio.

[2065] Regular radio.

[2066] Yeah, they have radio signals.

[2067] They have transmitters in the tunnels.

[2068] They don't have a -you're right.

[2069] You're absolutely right.

[2070] Yeah.

[2071] Satellite doesn't work.

[2072] You're trying to get the signal in L .A. You go under a bridge, like an overpass.

[2073] It doesn't work.

[2074] Fuck you.

[2075] So that means someone could be talking about some important shit.

[2076] I have to stop traffic.

[2077] And I'll be like, hold on.

[2078] And then people beep and honk.

[2079] I'm like, I don't want it to cut out.

[2080] I see the red light.

[2081] I know.

[2082] I've done that.

[2083] I've been pulling it in my garage and I'll hear you on or somebody like Louis or whatever.

[2084] You got to back up.

[2085] I back out of my garage.

[2086] That's an ancient technology.

[2087] No, I agree with you.

[2088] And it's commercials, too.

[2089] We all going to have strings on our roof that go directly to the fucking transmitter.

[2090] I don't want to have a wire.

[2091] We have wired cars.

[2092] We have wires are crisscrossing each other.

[2093] It's fucking stupid.

[2094] The stupid technology.

[2095] All right, I won't take the job.

[2096] The internet is the way to go.

[2097] God damn it.

[2098] Well, you and two other people have figured it out.

[2099] That's not true.

[2100] There's a lot of people who figured it out.

[2101] Joey Diaz gets millions of downloads a month now.

[2102] Yeah, because of you.

[2103] No, because of him, because he's fucking funny.

[2104] Because he's stuck with it.

[2105] I know he's funny.

[2106] I'm just saying, but you started him off.

[2107] I can do the same for you.

[2108] Didn't, huh?

[2109] I can do the same for you, Nick.

[2110] I can help you.

[2111] Come sit down.

[2112] Rub my back.

[2113] Is that what Joey did?

[2114] He didn't seem like that guy.

[2115] Come have some champagne with me. put on this robe It makes you look slim Well that's why I came out here Seriously That's why I came out Because by the way Hit me up at Nick DePaolo On Twitter and Instagram And all that other faggy shit You people like It's out Faggy Oh my goodness How dare you fucking It's on my Children of the Corn It's on my Twitter You can find them But no But when I Last time I did the show I did it twice right I go home Before Christ By the time I got home I had like 500 new followers Like on Twitter I go, what the fuck kind of rocket ship is he driving here?

[2116] Well, it's way crazier now, because the last time you hear was a lot, a year ago?

[2117] How long was it?

[2118] It's either a year or two.

[2119] Jamie knows.

[2120] He's got it in a folder called.

[2121] But whatever it is, the number of downloads that we've had since then is, like, more than 10 times.

[2122] And why is that, Joe?

[2123] I don't know.

[2124] Something's happening.

[2125] I think you're talented, motherfucker.

[2126] Oh, thanks, sweetie.

[2127] That's so nice.

[2128] July last year?

[2129] July last year.

[2130] Was I out here, year?

[2131] Actually, 2015.

[2132] Thank you.

[2133] I can't believe when the year came by I told you I was going to come out every year At least do it once a year I was even thinking every six months or whatever Nick call me up you can come anytime you want You told me that you go I'll open the place for you I will But here's a thing and a year one came I'm like oh I should be going out to Joe's I couldn't get off the couch I go I can't fucking go to LaGuardi Go through all that's hard It's hard out there It's so it is Dude it is But no I'm just saying this show is like I was saying at the Quinn on the phone I go I go do you doing Rogan's podcast It's like doing a TV show.

[2134] Somebody, you know, said, are you going to do Conan or Joe's...

[2135] I go to Joe's podcast before I do...

[2136] No, and I love Conan.

[2137] I'm just on that.

[2138] He doesn't like you?

[2139] No, he loves me. I'm just saying, I don't have anything.

[2140] You go to see -so show.

[2141] Yeah, I could have plugged that, I guess.

[2142] You know what the problem is?

[2143] You won't shine on Conan in seven minutes the way you shine in a couple of hours.

[2144] Does the couple of hours thing is what's up?

[2145] Yeah.

[2146] See, he's pointing at me for people listening.

[2147] He's smiling and pointing.

[2148] Well, you get cameras, though.

[2149] Yeah, but a lot of people are listening.

[2150] Way more people are listening than watching.

[2151] A four minute.

[2152] You're right, a four -minute interview.

[2153] As opposed to Joe Rogan doing...

[2154] I was supposed to do Seth Myers last week, and he got canceled because of the snowstorms.

[2155] My flight got canceled.

[2156] And I was going to do his show because I really like him.

[2157] I think he does a great job.

[2158] I think he's funny.

[2159] You don't like him anymore?

[2160] He's a fucking...

[2161] He's turned into it.

[2162] Oh, he's gone lefty.

[2163] Let's go on lefty.

[2164] His first 10 minutes make the daily show look like a Fox News channel.

[2165] But doesn't it make sense?

[2166] What he's saying?

[2167] Can't you agree?

[2168] See, you're on team fucking right.

[2169] I'm not on any teams.

[2170] I'm different than you.

[2171] Oh, yeah, I'm on Team Right.

[2172] What the fuck are you talking about?

[2173] You're on Team Left.

[2174] I'm not on Team Left.

[2175] You wouldn't do that show.

[2176] Okay, again, that's one issue.

[2177] That's one issue.

[2178] How about that?

[2179] I got guns, I hunt, I cook roasts.

[2180] I'm a cage -fighting commentator.

[2181] You're also a hippie.

[2182] You're also a hippie.

[2183] I'm a little bit of a hippie.

[2184] But how am I on Team Left?

[2185] How am I on Team Right?

[2186] You definitely a Team Right if you don't think Seth Myers is funny.

[2187] I'm pro.

[2188] God damn it, Joe.

[2189] This was going so well.

[2190] I'm fucking pro.

[2191] Like I said, in this business, is they consider me conservative.

[2192] But I fucking have gay, no problem with gay marriage.

[2193] Kill all the babies you fucking want.

[2194] As long as those faggots stick to their fucking side of the left.

[2195] That's right.

[2196] Keep don't put you.

[2197] Stay over there.

[2198] I would like to watch an episode of Chopped, whereas not a girl with a crew cut and three rings in her nose.

[2199] What the hell is chopped?

[2200] The food network show.

[2201] Jamie knows what I'm talking about?

[2202] The guy from the queer eye for the straight guy.

[2203] What's his name, Ted Allen?

[2204] It's called Chopped.

[2205] Is it all about salads?

[2206] No, they get baskets at the beginning.

[2207] It's actually, it was actually a good show for about a month until it became like a gay cause show.

[2208] Every episode is a transgender guy going, I'm going to take the $10 ,000 to get myself a pussy, and I'm going to get my uncle a pair tits, and I'm sorry I put too much lemon on the hummus.

[2209] I'm serious.

[2210] I'm crying.

[2211] I know Ted Allen, I met him at a roast.

[2212] I like them.

[2213] I'm just saying when people talk about, you know, everything's gayed up on TV, that show is a perfect example of it.

[2214] Oh, my God.

[2215] And again, that's not, I'm not saying anything against gay people.

[2216] I'm just saying, but that show is what would piss people off, you know?

[2217] I get it.

[2218] Do you?

[2219] Sort of, yeah.

[2220] I know what you're saying.

[2221] You're just sensitive to people that attack your own ideas.

[2222] Like when people.

[2223] What?

[2224] Yeah.

[2225] When someone's like Seth Myers attacking your ideas.

[2226] He's not attack my ideas.

[2227] He's making up a bunch of fucking real soft jokes about Trump.

[2228] He had one very good bit that he did recently where they were talking about the ban, the ban on immigrants.

[2229] And he's like, when they were like, no one is saying ban.

[2230] It's not a ban.

[2231] We've never used the way.

[2232] word ban and then he cuts to a clip a montage of trump and all the other people saying ban ban what you could do to any politician it's just fucking cheap trickery but oh not as much as him i used to like him but but i think NBC sat him down and said you got to go fucking you got to be the point man on this you think so i do i've never had a sat down i've been accused of being having been sat down i've never had a sat down and did i say sat down yeah well never no one's ever sat me down oh no No one's ever sat me down and said, hey, you got to go this way.

[2233] That's never happened, literally ever.

[2234] Well, of course not, because you're on mushrooms and you lift weights.

[2235] They're not going to...

[2236] What I'm saying?

[2237] People accuse you of it.

[2238] You're eating elk.

[2239] You're shooting elk on the 101 out of the back of the bow and arrow.

[2240] Who the fuck going to tell you to do anything, go?

[2241] But people accuse you, if you have an idea and you run with a cause, they accuse you of being sat down by the elites.

[2242] No, NBC.

[2243] Come on, dude.

[2244] Of course.

[2245] You think so.

[2246] Maybe it's just how he feels.

[2247] They didn't sit him.

[2248] No, it is probably how he feels.

[2249] Yeah, so why would they sit him down if you're...

[2250] I don't know.

[2251] It feels that way.

[2252] NBC does that.

[2253] They never did when I was on.

[2254] Why would they do it with you?

[2255] But they, I mean, no one ever sits, I don't think people sit anybody down.

[2256] I know you don't.

[2257] I know you don't, Joe.

[2258] You think they do.

[2259] Yeah.

[2260] But have you ever experienced it?

[2261] Well, not, not, let's, I know you're taking me literally here.

[2262] But literally, I was on NBC for 10 years.

[2263] They get their talking points from the New York Times and blah, Oh, okay.

[2264] And by the way, Seth is funny and he's a likable.

[2265] Matter of fact, when he first had his late night show, I go, I go, he could be a tonight show host.

[2266] He's very likable, you know, smart shit.

[2267] But the first 10 minutes I can't fucking watch, a closer look, and it's 40 Trump jokes.

[2268] Well, they're easy.

[2269] It's low -hanging fruit.

[2270] It's not.

[2271] You don't think it's easy to make fun of Trump?

[2272] Yes, it is.

[2273] Do you have any Trump jokes in your act?

[2274] Yeah, I do.

[2275] What do you say about?

[2276] Absolutely.

[2277] What is this fucking...

[2278] I want you to do your act.

[2279] What do you do your act?

[2280] But do you criticize him?

[2281] I do.

[2282] I said he made it look too easy.

[2283] Number one, he was just telling people what they wanted to hear when he was running.

[2284] You know, they're like Mr. fucking Trump.

[2285] Build the wall.

[2286] What about your health care plan?

[2287] What will be the skiniest people alive?

[2288] Any follow -ups?

[2289] No, next question.

[2290] You know, and what was the fucking final?

[2291] Yeah, there's no way you can deport 11 million people.

[2292] Have you seen the size of my jet?

[2293] Three trips.

[2294] You know, I fucking take shots at him.

[2295] That's not really a shot.

[2296] Yeah.

[2297] Oh, what are you a fucking night?

[2298] You're on the left team.

[2299] You're on the team left.

[2300] So you feel you're going soft.

[2301] No, I don't have a bunch of shit on him.

[2302] I didn't say I did.

[2303] I like what he's doing.

[2304] Do you?

[2305] Do you like the wall?

[2306] Do you like him building the wall?

[2307] I think the idea that people who if you say I want to protect our borders make you a racist that's some real left -wing stupidity right there hmm yeah left -wing stupidity yeah you know California Jerry Brown Nancy Pelosi Berkeley that kind of left -wink stupid do you think there's ever going to come a time where there won't be any walls there won't be any borders and everyone literally will be able to go anywhere they want not I don't know the world would work like that ever?

[2308] How come, but how come we can do that?

[2309] Do you know anything about humanity?

[2310] Because people are psychotic.

[2311] But how come we can do that here?

[2312] How come people can go wherever they want?

[2313] Why is this country held to a different standard when it comes to that shit?

[2314] Why don't you try to sneak into Mexico to see what's happened to you?

[2315] We have the country who invite people from all over the world to live here.

[2316] Well, they'll let us go into Mexico like that.

[2317] Oh, yeah.

[2318] You know that, right?

[2319] Have you ever done it?

[2320] If you sneak in illegally, I'm saying.

[2321] No, no, no, you could just drive into Mexico.

[2322] That's not my point.

[2323] If you try to sneak in.

[2324] Right, but my point is when you try to go down to Mexico, they don't even stop you.

[2325] So you believe it's...

[2326] So you don't believe in borders.

[2327] You think that could actually work.

[2328] I think that there's no borders.

[2329] You even have to watch what's going on in Europe right now.

[2330] Well, that's a problem, for sure.

[2331] But I think part of the reason that's a problem is that culturally the places these people are coming from are archaic.

[2332] And that's something that the left doesn't want to admit.

[2333] And I'm with them 100%.

[2334] And it's a real problem because what's interesting is...

[2335] Wait a minute.

[2336] But here's the problem.

[2337] That's right.

[2338] It is right.

[2339] Because all cultures aren't equal.

[2340] They never were.

[2341] No. And that's the left's main tenet.

[2342] Well, not only they're not equal, but those...

[2343] What's interesting to me is that those cultures that are the problem, Not only are they not, they're incredibly massaged.

[2344] That's right.

[2345] And where are the fucking feminist yelling at them?

[2346] And if you say anything about those, you're Islamophobic and you're a right -wing hate monger, but you're talking about cultures that are incredibly restrictive of women.

[2347] They're out of the Bible.

[2348] Yeah.

[2349] It looks like 11 AD.

[2350] I fucking always say that.

[2351] But that's my point.

[2352] And even Bill Maher pointed it out.

[2353] He was yelling at the left, the feminist.

[2354] Where are you?

[2355] You're yelling at Trump because he loves to grab pussy.

[2356] Meanwhile, they're lopping off heads because the girl shows their ankle.

[2357] It's true.

[2358] It's like, that's what I'm talking about.

[2359] I'm not a huge.

[2360] You're trying to make me out to be like a huge Trump fan?

[2361] I'm not.

[2362] I'm not.

[2363] But I'm saying at one point in time, all cultures were like that.

[2364] But at one point in time, that was the norm.

[2365] Like 2 ,000, 3 ,000 years ago, that was the norm worldwide, right?

[2366] I mean, there was a restrictive policies against women and things along those lines.

[2367] That was the norm worldwide.

[2368] I guess so.

[2369] So how is it not that way right now in California?

[2370] Because people progress and evolved.

[2371] So don't you think that people can progress and evolve worldwide to the point where we don't have to have borders everywhere?

[2372] Well, yeah, but not right now.

[2373] That wasn't the question.

[2374] It's going to take a long time.

[2375] Well, my question is, will there be a time where people can just go everywhere?

[2376] And you said you don't think the world works that way.

[2377] I really don't.

[2378] People are flawed as a species.

[2379] We're definitely flawed as a species here in California.

[2380] That's never going to change.

[2381] You could drive to Sonoma right now and no one's going to stop you.

[2382] You don't have to show your papers.

[2383] I feel like there's got to become a time in history where human beings are allowed to travel freely wherever they want to go, live wherever they want to go.

[2384] And the only thing that's stopping that is that some places are far less prosperous than we are here.

[2385] But it's deeper, not just prosperous, it's like, you said cultures, ideologies, right.

[2386] You're seeing what's going on in Europe, and it's not fucking working.

[2387] And that's as close to open borders as you're going to get.

[2388] Well, they're doing that in Sweden and a lot of these other countries, they got a little silly, and they thought the rest of the world is like them.

[2389] And they just let all these immigrants in instantaneously with this.

[2390] But my point is not that we should let everybody in and just let do whatever you want.

[2391] My point is that at some point in time, that's got to be the way the world works, where you could literally go anywhere you want.

[2392] And then I don't think, I think, you know, like the Tower of Babel, the idea that at one point in time people spoke one language, and then that God decided they were getting too crazy, and then he split them up all over the world and gave them a bunch of different languages so they can never communicate with each other.

[2393] It seems to me that if human beings continue along the path that we're on now, how long it takes, whether it's 5 ,000 years or whatever, we're going to come to a point in time where we have a universal language.

[2394] And it might be within, you know, our grandchildren's lifetime, where people are allowed to communicate with people all over the world.

[2395] And if technology can evolve our cultures to the point where these people that live in these unbelievably restrictive environments and communities can get to the point where they're like the United States, we have disagreements, but you're free to go wherever you want.

[2396] I mean, there's got to be the future.

[2397] That's what I think.

[2398] Yeah, yeah.

[2399] But that doesn't make him a racist for wanting to protect our borders.

[2400] And that's a Nazi.

[2401] He's a Nazi.

[2402] Mexico's not doing anything bad.

[2403] this look at a view of life that's the far left their ideas work great on paper everybody agrees with them yes they should be open but just like you said everybody should be able to live together and blah but and that all makes sense till the rubber hits the road it sounds good technically and it will eventually hopefully they'll get there but i'm just saying you can't label people fascist and racist that want to fucking protect the border i agree with you to a certain who loves Latinos, because they're like Italians to me. They look like, I'm not just Latinos.

[2404] Now we have Central America and the whole world coming.

[2405] And Canadians.

[2406] And Canadians.

[2407] I'm half Canadian, French Canadian.

[2408] Are you?

[2409] That's right.

[2410] You know what's really fucked up is that it's really easy to come over here from Syria.

[2411] It's really hard to come over from Canada.

[2412] It's like they made it more difficult for places, other places that are like almost offer zero problems to emigrate to America.

[2413] Like, if you're a Canadian, you try to get a job in America, good luck.

[2414] I know a lot of people that are Canadians You got to marry somebody You got to find some chick Yeah And they hook it up You know Good Canadian boy Come on over here Or a good Canadian girl Yeah But it's not that hard To come here from Syria I mean Obama was busing people to cities And dropping them off Without even telling the mayors and shit That's all you know Really?

[2415] Oh yeah He was doing himself Did you drive the bus?

[2416] It was his It was his idea Executive orders yes Really?

[2417] Yeah How did that order go Do you know what the order was?

[2418] Oh no I'm just asking.

[2419] I don't know.

[2420] Well, well, I've never heard this before.

[2421] All the shit, DACA and all that stuff is, you know, questionably unconstitutional.

[2422] You didn't hear about it exactly because the media wouldn't cover it.

[2423] Hmm.

[2424] If you go online and you talk about mayors in Pennsylvania, schools are being, you know where one place was overwhelmed?

[2425] Lynn, Massachusetts.

[2426] Schools are being overwhelmed by kids who, you know, have been here for five minutes.

[2427] Really?

[2428] Yeah.

[2429] A lot of unconstitutional shit went on, you know.

[2430] I never heard about that.

[2431] Yeah, I'm not making it up.

[2432] There's so many things going on in the world.

[2433] It's impossible to be abreast of all of it.

[2434] Absolutely.

[2435] That's what I'm saying.

[2436] Yeah, I just...

[2437] It's not that hard, I'm saying, you know.

[2438] So, uh...

[2439] We just got so lucky.

[2440] That's the problem with being in America.

[2441] We got so fucking lucky.

[2442] Yeah, geographically.

[2443] Oh, the luckiest.

[2444] Yeah, but you know what?

[2445] That's all changed.

[2446] How so?

[2447] What do you mean?

[2448] Lucky right now.

[2449] A plane.

[2450] They can fly over now.

[2451] They don't have to fucking, you know.

[2452] But we're still lucky.

[2453] They're trying to get lucky.

[2454] I think it was a long time ago.

[2455] Nothing's happening.

[2456] I'm just saying, you were right for years, because of where we were geographically with two oceans.

[2457] Well, not just that.

[2458] Just the spot itself.

[2459] Things like flight and, you know.

[2460] But it's also the spot itself, like just having the opportunity that you have here in America, it's so unusual.

[2461] It's so unusual.

[2462] No caste system like we were talking about India.

[2463] Yeah, yeah, all you hear is how racist is and homophobic, yet people, black and brown people are trying to sneak in.

[2464] Is that all you hear, though?

[2465] Is that all you hear?

[2466] Is that all you hear?

[2467] If you watch TV, mainstream media, yeah, that's all you hear.

[2468] I don't.

[2469] I know you don't, because you're out.

[2470] I watch Netflix.

[2471] Yeah, you...

[2472] Exactly.

[2473] I don't watch programming, man. They're trying to program you, man. You don't think the mainstream media is fucking has a left slant to it at all?

[2474] I definitely do.

[2475] I definitely do.

[2476] I definitely think for the most part they do.

[2477] And that's what people get their information.

[2478] Yeah.

[2479] Well, if you're on the right, you have to feel pretty alienated.

[2480] by the media because the mainstream media which is primarily in New York and California those are these big central locations for liberal thinking yeah isn't it weird though that when you get big giant groups of people together they become liberal that is weird how so predominantly like New York is predominantly liberal California's predominantly liberal those are the population centers of the country they're also the education centers of the country it's really fascinating to me that when you and even in Chicago Chicago's kind of predominantly liberal as well Yeah, yet they lost the election.

[2481] But isn't that strange, though?

[2482] I mean, I understand.

[2483] It's people in a bubble who don't hang around with other people.

[2484] It's bad.

[2485] But why is it, though, that when you get giant clumps of people that have to live together in huge groups, they become primarily liberal?

[2486] Well, these big cities in the Midwest that aren't, you know.

[2487] That what?

[2488] That aren't liberal?

[2489] Name one.

[2490] Yeah.

[2491] Like what?

[2492] I don't know.

[2493] Boise?

[2494] That's not the Midwest.

[2495] It's the West.

[2496] I know.

[2497] I was trying to think of the Midwest myself.

[2498] Who is the Midwest?

[2499] Minneapolis?

[2500] Minneapolis is liberal, but it's also...

[2501] Prince is there, man. No, I know.

[2502] He wore a dress.

[2503] But I sell out of Minneapolis.

[2504] They love me, too.

[2505] I bet they do this.

[2506] Plenty of people.

[2507] That's what I'm saying.

[2508] You're a funny guy.

[2509] You know.

[2510] You'd sell out in New York.

[2511] What the fuck are you talking about?

[2512] I don't.

[2513] I don't sell it.

[2514] No, I don't.

[2515] You don't know?

[2516] You won't know.

[2517] What are you kidding?

[2518] What are you kidding?

[2519] It's the belly of the beast every night.

[2520] I'm in front of fucking NYU students.

[2521] What are you shitting me?

[2522] Oh, the NYU students are hilarious.

[2523] All students are hilarious.

[2524] How about college campuses?

[2525] That seems pretty fair.

[2526] What goes on there?

[2527] I have a friend of mine who goes to NYU, and she sent me this thing that was abolishing whiteness.

[2528] Oh, I cover that on my podcast.

[2529] Abolishing whiteness.

[2530] Yeah.

[2531] That's a class in almost every college now.

[2532] That's what I'm talking about.

[2533] How's that fair?

[2534] Yeah.

[2535] I don't know.

[2536] I don't know how it is it fair.

[2537] It's not.

[2538] It just seems to me that there's just too much us versus them.

[2539] That's the real part of the problem.

[2540] Well, that's the media?

[2541] Is that the media?

[2542] They perpetuate.

[2543] Of course.

[2544] It sounds like you.

[2545] You're part of the media.

[2546] What?

[2547] I'm a part of me. I got a pot.

[2548] So are you.

[2549] So are you.

[2550] You're in a sly way.

[2551] You're doing it very softly, but how so?

[2552] Well, you're a lefty.

[2553] But you think I am.

[2554] Well, just because you eat elk doesn't make you a fucking righty.

[2555] Well, what makes me a righty?

[2556] What would I have to do?

[2557] I don't know.

[2558] You tell me. What would make you a righty?

[2559] What would make me a lefty?

[2560] Bucking, being for punching somebody, I disagree with.

[2561] Just pot.

[2562] weed?

[2563] That's true.

[2564] That's true.

[2565] You'd calm down.

[2566] That's why I don't smoke.

[2567] What if I didn't have this generator?

[2568] First of all.

[2569] I had to rely on my neighbors, man. I just drank a quarter of your coffee.

[2570] You're fired up.

[2571] Whatever.

[2572] But what makes someone a righty?

[2573] What are the primary things?

[2574] I don't know.

[2575] You're the one who labels people righty.

[2576] You tell me. It's just me?

[2577] Not you.

[2578] Your side.

[2579] My side?

[2580] What side of my arm?

[2581] You know, Newton.

[2582] Newton, people.

[2583] Where you grew up.

[2584] I grew up in Upper Falls.

[2585] It makes the Upper Falls.

[2586] Upper Falls is blue collar.

[2587] What's Upper Falls?

[2588] New York.

[2589] I know.

[2590] I know.

[2591] I know.

[2592] The poor area.

[2593] They make only 140 grand a week.

[2594] That's a poor part of Newton.

[2595] Imagine there's a place where people.

[2596] average 140 grad a week What are you talking about?

[2597] Imagine.

[2598] It's called Apple.

[2599] Anybody who works in Coopentine?

[2600] Is that nice up there?

[2601] It's beautiful.

[2602] The kid got attacked by Mountain Line last year, though.

[2603] That's part of the problem with liberals.

[2604] They don't want to kill Mountain Lions.

[2605] So that's why I'm not on their side.

[2606] With that issue.

[2607] Exactly.

[2608] With a bunch of issues.

[2609] That's how you protect the border with fucking Mountain Lines?

[2610] Mexicans know how to handle mountain lines.

[2611] I know.

[2612] They're not scared of them.

[2613] Yeah, they're not scared of them at all.

[2614] They eat them.

[2615] Good backstrap.

[2616] Cook them up.

[2617] They're mountain lion loins.

[2618] It tastes like pork.

[2619] It's really good.

[2620] No, but I know a friend of mine just shot one.

[2621] He says, it's delicious.

[2622] Seriously?

[2623] What isn't delicious, really?

[2624] Wolf.

[2625] Have you had Wolf?

[2626] No, I haven't.

[2627] But Steve Ronello, who was on the podcast, is a very famous hunter and author and historian.

[2628] He was telling me that there was this famous mountain man, and wolf was his favorite meal.

[2629] You like to eat wolf?

[2630] Yeah.

[2631] Serious?

[2632] Guy used to shoot wolves and eat them.

[2633] But I wonder if it's like the satisfaction of eating a wolf because you know it could eat you.

[2634] Like that's probably what I liked it.

[2635] I figured you would be drinking wolf's blood and shit.

[2636] I've eaten bear.

[2637] I've eaten a lot of bear.

[2638] Right.

[2639] And you do it for like reasons like the Japanese eat shark fins.

[2640] You want the testosterone and the vitality.

[2641] Eating rhino dicks and shit.

[2642] No, they shoot bear because they have to because there's so many bear and they bury it all the moose and elk.

[2643] I agree with it.

[2644] And if some guy, and I'm not, it's funny.

[2645] Now, here's where I'm not like a fucking righty.

[2646] Like, when I was younger, I killed pheasants and shit.

[2647] My grandmother would cook them, and I'd shoot rabbits and shit like that.

[2648] As I get older, though, as you get older, you appreciate.

[2649] You know what I mean?

[2650] When I see people shooting, taking down a giant elephant on some safari, is that really hard to kill an elephant?

[2651] I could walk up to it and stab it to death.

[2652] You definitely couldn't.

[2653] I know.

[2654] They'll fucking kill you and throw you.

[2655] I know.

[2656] But how hard is it to hit an elephant with a gun, Joe?

[2657] Not very hard.

[2658] Not very hard.

[2659] Or even a moose.

[2660] Well, uh, moose is delicious and, uh, I don't think I could do it.

[2661] You couldn't shoot a moose?

[2662] I could like, there's so many deer where I live, I could suffocate them with it.

[2663] There's a moose?

[2664] I could suffocate a deer with a dry cleaning bag in my back here.

[2665] Well, you have a lot of moose in your, or a lot of deer in your area, right?

[2666] That area is overrun.

[2667] You got to be careful of ticks, right?

[2668] Yes.

[2669] Lime disease?

[2670] I got it.

[2671] Did you get Lyme disease?

[2672] Almost.

[2673] I had the tick.

[2674] I had the big bulls.

[2675] on my back and my wife got it fucking luckily he caught it early but I Goom by Johnny remember going by Johnny His wife got Lyme disease It's fucking dangerous man I know I know 10 people that have it I have to check my balls before I got a bed every night For ticks?

[2676] Yeah in the summertime Hmm Well they give you an antiseptic That's what's weird ticks They have like antiseptic saliva so then when you're biting you You don't even feel it Right Creepy little fuckers Creepy little fuckers man And there's diseases they say that in the Somewhere in New York there was some place, like near Long Island where they tested the ticks and they found that 60 % of the ticks had Lyme disease, 6 -0.

[2677] Yeah.

[2678] That's fucking insane.

[2679] That is insane.

[2680] Yeah.

[2681] My wife's knee blew up.

[2682] She got this big fucking...

[2683] So did she take the antibiotics and did they clear it up?

[2684] All that shit.

[2685] Yeah, because we caught it quick.

[2686] Yeah, that's the problem.

[2687] But some people you don't even know.

[2688] We had a guy on our podcast, Steve Kotler, and he had Lyme disease for a fucking year before they diagnosed it.

[2689] And it fucked him up so bad that he was in the hospital for three years.

[2690] Three years from Lyme disease.

[2691] Remember that, Jamie?

[2692] Well, yeah.

[2693] Scary.

[2694] My buddy's wife had to walk around with like an IV thing.

[2695] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[2696] And, uh, no, it's like a silent epidemic in this country, those goddamn tics.

[2697] And they come off the fucking deer.

[2698] They'd come off the deer.

[2699] It's deer.

[2700] It looks so cute and shit.

[2701] Yeah.

[2702] But it's terrifying.

[2703] Yeah, when I shot that deer in Colorado, we found a bunch of ticks on it.

[2704] We had to be super careful cleaning it up.

[2705] Oh, is that right?

[2706] Yeah.

[2707] Yeah, we found ticks like near its balls and shit.

[2708] You have to be careful.

[2709] Ticks love balls.

[2710] Well, the tics are gross, man. They're just fucking creepy little animals that have this bizarre disease that we, it's fairly recent.

[2711] I know.

[2712] It's a recent disease.

[2713] I mean, it's not that.

[2714] Well, it's probably been around, right?

[2715] But they didn't know what it was back in the day?

[2716] I don't think they think that.

[2717] No?

[2718] I think that it's something that is, uh...

[2719] Something created by the right?

[2720] There's a bunch of conspiracy theories about Lyme disease.

[2721] Yeah, it's definitely completed by the right because it affects mostly white people.

[2722] That's why...

[2723] There's too many of us.

[2724] You need to balance this out for the Bilderberg group.

[2725] Oh, read that book.

[2726] I'm scared.

[2727] Seriously, I'm never voting again.

[2728] So what?

[2729] Do you just think that it's all scam?

[2730] Dude, read it.

[2731] It's not a scam.

[2732] It's planned the fucking the Rockefellas.

[2733] They're the ones at the heart of all this shit, according to the book.

[2734] Trump is involved in it and he doesn't know it?

[2735] That's how far they think ahead.

[2736] You know Bill Hicks's bit, right?

[2737] I agree with a puppet on the left.

[2738] No, I agree with a puppet on the right.

[2739] Hey, there's one guy controlling both puppets.

[2740] This book makes that crystal Fucking clear Well look at you Your eyes are bulging Your hands are fucking Very tense It's like I did an eight ball With this fucking rocket fuel You put in me Don't drink one of these Whatever you do No I can't touch that 70 milligrams caffeine That bad boy That'll make me cry in the planet I gotta beat it soon Okay Because I got to return my car Jerry Sandusky's son Jeffrey Charged with child sexual abuse Oh Jesus Christ It runs in the family Of course it does He probably did it to his own kid More than five, yeah.

[2741] Oh, my God.

[2742] Jesus, fucking Christ, that's terrifying.

[2743] Did that just come out, Jim?

[2744] 11 minutes ago.

[2745] God, that's so terrifying.

[2746] I was supposed to go bowling with him next week.

[2747] Criminal solicitation and corruption of minors.

[2748] 14 counts.

[2749] Oh, God, he's 41.

[2750] Jesus Christ.

[2751] That's so gross.

[2752] How many counts?

[2753] 14?

[2754] Yeah, that's probably all they caught him with.

[2755] His old man's like, hey, couldn't keep up with me. You're slacking.

[2756] Like every other kid.

[2757] You got it easy.

[2758] You got it light.

[2759] Good, so he's going away.

[2760] I should.

[2761] But that's the crazy thing about child sex molestation that it seems to like affect the kids and the kids wind up doing it.

[2762] It's like really common.

[2763] For what you just said, we don't know for a fact, but you're probably right.

[2764] Yeah.

[2765] I'm sure he got dittled of.

[2766] I'm sure.

[2767] His dad was a fucking piece of shit.

[2768] I'm sure he probably fucked him too.

[2769] He probably fucked everybody.

[2770] But he knew a three, four defense, I'll tell you.

[2771] Did he?

[2772] Was he good at it?

[2773] No, I don't know.

[2774] He was there for years, though.

[2775] It's too bad Joe.

[2776] Penn State.

[2777] You'd see him on the sideline.

[2778] It's too bad.

[2779] Joe Paternal died.

[2780] I would like to have known what he knew.

[2781] About two minutes after he retired.

[2782] Yeah, he was like, he was actually lucky.

[2783] Well, you know what the stress must have been like that?

[2784] Absolutely.

[2785] You know, when they...

[2786] For a guy that age.