#1623 - Doug Stanhope

[0] Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] I am fucking nervous.

[4] Why?

[5] For real?

[6] Yeah.

[7] Why?

[8] No, it's a good thing.

[9] I haven't left my fucking house in a year.

[10] You've been totally locked up.

[11] Well, I mean, I go to the grocery store.

[12] How did you avoid getting it?

[13] You didn't get it at all, right?

[14] No. The cooties?

[15] No. Because everyone I know is a shut -in, too.

[16] and I fucking loved it.

[17] I left a day after my year anniversary.

[18] I packed a week before coming here.

[19] So all you've done is go to the food store.

[20] Yep.

[21] I went up to Phoenix for New Year's to see, it's a long story, to see a dog that I almost kept.

[22] But I gave away.

[23] Anyway, so yes, basically, no, I have not left fucking Bisbee, Arizona, in a year and I didn't think it affected me until I left it's like if you stayed in bed for a year going I don't need to walk I know how to walk and then after a year you're like fuck my legs I'm atrophied what feels the weirdest well just figuring out how to pack for the road I packed everything I drove and I left Sunday to be here Wednesday it's a 13 hour drive I could have done it in one shot but I was so excited I'm going to leave on Sunday and just take the back roads and like I practiced talking on the phone before I came here an hour and a half before I'm just calling people like I don't talk to anyone on the phone the only time I use the phone is to figure out where to meet you to talk I don't like socialize on the phone you and I talk maybe twice a year tops and when I see it's you I go do I have an hour okay I'll make an hour because we don't but otherwise so I was like I haven't talked to people other than do you have a room available for three days three and a half days so I was calling you know bingo and Brian Hennigan going just talk to me like you don't I packed what I thought was a car load of shit I forgot vodka, which is my go -to drink, and a shirt.

[24] I only had the t -shirt that I was wearing that after three days started to stink, and I went, fuck, I didn't pack another shirt.

[25] Did you go shirt shopping then?

[26] Yeah, I went to the thrift store.

[27] Oh, thrift store.

[28] Yeah.

[29] Of course.

[30] Yes.

[31] You notice I've fucking, like I brought two different suits, like goofy suits.

[32] Right.

[33] And I'm like, I've been wearing pajamas for a year.

[34] I think I would be even more awkward if I was.

[35] wearing a suit, especially with stupid hair.

[36] When did the goofy suits become a thing with you?

[37] Like, what year did you think that?

[38] In 1989, it started in telemarketing, because my mother would send me goofy suits like that, because they had just gone out of style, like, in that earlier, that decade.

[39] So they're, you know, fucking, it's like buying acid wash jeans now.

[40] They're a fucking nickel a pair at the thrift store.

[41] I think Jamie has a few pairs.

[42] You have any of those?

[43] Acid wash, sweatpants.

[44] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[45] Sweatpants.

[46] but that's your signature shit now the goofy suit yeah and I go I don't think I'm ready to put on a goofy suit I don't know if it would clash with the goofy hair because people will show up at my shows in goofy suits but they'll have like plaid on plaid and you go no that doesn't work I I accessorized perfectly in a goofy suit but I go I have the goofy hair now is that like polka dots on plaid I don't know right have you gone too far Yeah, I want to be comfortable here.

[47] So I'm wearing pajamas like I have for the last year.

[48] Why don't you just wear pajamas?

[49] That's what I'm wearing.

[50] A pajama pants.

[51] Are those pajama pants?

[52] Yeah.

[53] Okay.

[54] There you go.

[55] And this was my old travel shirt.

[56] I wore this anytime I traveled.

[57] But yeah, I want to be comfortable.

[58] I don't want to.

[59] You've stayed within your means.

[60] Very well.

[61] Like, you've never had to worry about finances.

[62] Like, you dialed that in early.

[63] Yeah.

[64] You never fell into the trap a lot of people do.

[65] Will they, like, buy a bigger house or buy a bigger car or this or that?

[66] My shit's paid for.

[67] After a year of not working, I go, ooh, I always bragged about how much fucking I don't need to work.

[68] And then I go, all right, now I'm starting to worry.

[69] Should I buy this dumb plastic shit from Amazon or not?

[70] When do you think you're going to start working again?

[71] Are you going to get the vaccine?

[72] I got my first shot.

[73] Which one?

[74] The Pfizer or the Moderna?

[75] No, Moderna.

[76] I got my first shot.

[77] About two weeks ago.

[78] Two weeks ago tomorrow.

[79] Why is it funny?

[80] Because I just realized I still have the fucking band -aid when I took a bathtub state.

[81] I'm such a fucking slothful pig when it comes to bathing.

[82] That's hilarious.

[83] And it's still there.

[84] I didn't wash that hard that it came off even last night.

[85] They're resilient, those band -aids.

[86] They'll stick around for a while for a little.

[87] Well, I'm going to get my follow -up shot.

[88] two weeks from now from the same lady and I wanted to see the same dirty bandage and make her pick it off.

[89] I know that's rude, but I think it's funny.

[90] So you're getting the shots in Bisbee?

[91] Is it hard to get it?

[92] Or do they have a good supply?

[93] Yeah, well, it just, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but I probably cut a line.

[94] Yeah, yeah, I get it.

[95] Yeah.

[96] But yesterday, Cochise County tweeted, okay, now 18 and up.

[97] And I go, yeah, that's great.

[98] You tweeted that, but maybe nine people in all of Cochise County are on Twitter.

[99] You get to go door to door to fucking alert these people.

[100] The UFC contacted me. They have a large supply of Johnson and Johnson vaccines.

[101] That's the one.

[102] You only take one shot.

[103] It's difference on MRNA vaccines, a different vaccine.

[104] What is it called an adenovirus?

[105] Is that what it's called?

[106] do you know what's called some sort of different shot but they uh they want to give it to me this weekend oh so you haven't had your first yet no i i don't know you're you know i i just i hear about you oh i think he's an anti masker well maybe he's an anti -vax no i'm neither anti max anti anti anti anti mask or anti vax i'm neither one of those things but i'm not worried worried about the virus.

[107] Everyone that I know that got it, they were sick for like a day.

[108] My whole family got it and I didn't get it.

[109] But I'm on so much shit between vitamins and testosterone and I'm in the fucking sauna every day.

[110] Like, what does this say?

[111] Unlike the MRI virus from Pfizer -Moderna, which deliver a fat, covered bits of genetic material into your cells.

[112] The Johnson -Johnson -Johnson vaccine uses a shell of a virus to carry genetic material into your cells.

[113] Says Gandhi.

[114] Gandhi's the guy?

[115] That's the doctor.

[116] How weird.

[117] change your name bro you know that's like dr hitler you know what i mean like maybe time for a fucking name change well maybe he's changed his name up like oh right was dr hitler i should change it to something more easily consumable he became gondy the shell is an adenovirus which normally causes colds but has been modified so it no longer replicate and make you sick all right you don't need to read all that we'll have people tune out in the third hour They're tuned down already So, yeah So no, I'm not anti - People get mad at me Because I said, I don't think I need the vaccine Well, here's the thing, You have the longest platform In the shortest attention span Society's ever known.

[118] So when people put the, the viral clip of rogue, Burr telling you, don't act like we know what the fuck we're talking about.

[119] Right, right, right.

[120] That was like 22 seconds of a three -hour podcast.

[121] Oh, Rogan's a fucking anti -masker.

[122] That was me trying to get burr riled up.

[123] Yeah.

[124] Yeah, but I'm saying people don't have.

[125] There's no context anymore.

[126] Right, of course.

[127] It's done.

[128] It is weird because you think, like, people know what you're doing.

[129] Like, with Bill, you always like, come on, you're going to listen to them?

[130] You always going to say that to him.

[131] It's like, bah, blah, blah.

[132] And then you fucking crank them up and let them go.

[133] Yeah.

[134] You know, so I'm like, you really think these fucking masks work?

[135] You know, they say masks are all bullshit.

[136] And then next thing you know, Bill's.

[137] that fucking Irish face gets red and he's on a rant.

[138] I mean, obviously masks do something.

[139] You're breathing through a filter.

[140] The question is like, how much is it filter?

[141] I don't know.

[142] I mean, some people say it does nothing because the air is getting in and the particles are smaller than the air.

[143] And some people say it blocks a lot of what's coming out, like a certain percentage of it.

[144] But here's the thing, like, look at how few people got the flu this year.

[145] That's my hypocrisy.

[146] I got, first of all, COVID for me for a year has been the best excuse I've ever had.

[147] This is one of the best years of my life was 2020 plus one.

[148] Uh, was yeah, to have an excuse to not socialize, to not work.

[149] Because I'm legendary for every three years going, fuck this.

[150] I'm done with comedy.

[151] Yeah.

[152] You never do it for like six months.

[153] And I know that I'm lying.

[154] Right.

[155] But like mentally, this time I had an excuse to not work.

[156] I had an excuse why you couldn't come over where generally I'm polite and you want to come down and visit but yeah, COVID and then well you really believe that shit while the people around me do and then I can put the blame on you know, Chaley and Tracy everyone else is worried you I'm sorry there's nothing I can do and then I get this shot my first one did the first one bother you at all?

[157] Did it fuck with you?

[158] I'm so afraid of needles that I started drinking at 9 a .m. for a 5 p .m. shot.

[159] So the next day when I was sweating through fucking comforters, I don't know, is that hangover or flu residual?

[160] But the hypocrisy is that I've always shit on Chaley and Tracy for getting flu shots.

[161] You should get a flu shot.

[162] No, I don't, I don't like needles.

[163] Well, I might be killing as many old people not getting a regular flu shot, but I don't give a fuck about old people.

[164] and they're not in my life.

[165] Oh.

[166] Which I think subliminally, a lot of people, if coronavirus was killing that many babies and children, I think the same anti -maskers would be attacking you with a crowbar for not wearing a mask in public.

[167] You're fucking risking my kid's life!

[168] Probably.

[169] People get fucking ape -like over their children.

[170] They'd be very different.

[171] Yeah.

[172] Yeah, I think that's a fucking natural selection kind of thing is I don't give a fuck about old people.

[173] They're taking food from the fucking family and the herd, let them die off.

[174] I've been studying evolutionary psychology.

[175] I downloaded a book on Audible about it, 16 and a half hours and listened to it on the way out, so I should have a degree, even though I didn't understand most of what they were talking about.

[176] What's the book?

[177] the moral animal oh um who is that who wrote that it's like when you started comedy and you go that guy was really funny what was his name i have no idea i just went to comedy night and there was a guy that was really funny what uh what got you into this moral animal book well that's why i love long drives yeah like that's why i left three days early because i there's nothing that makes me more creative like your sensory deprivation tanks a fucking road trip from Arizona across New Mexico and West Texas yeah nothing but fucking two lanes to focus on nobody out there and yeah your mind spirals that was why I had to practice talking I stopped and did one podcast my own podcast which I should promote I never promote my own I'm putting more effort into it we're doing Patreon are you doing Patreon now yeah Did you just get tired doing ads?

[178] Well, we've got to make money.

[179] Right.

[180] Like I started that podcast as a default open mic.

[181] Back, I started my podcast back when we really thought everyone has a podcast.

[182] And since COVID, I have two people that I keep in touch with that are, one's in a mental institution for murdering his mother.

[183] Whoa.

[184] Actually, in a halfway house now.

[185] They're going to let him out?

[186] Yeah, he's got a job.

[187] He killed his mom?

[188] Yes, I assume stabbed her to death.

[189] I never really got into the details.

[190] Well, he's come to my shows.

[191] He gets day passes and nice kid.

[192] And then Bobby Caldwell, notes from the pen.

[193] Hold up.

[194] Let's not gloss over this.

[195] Nice kid, stabbed his mom.

[196] What happened?

[197] Yeah, is it of mental illness.

[198] And they're going to let him out?

[199] Did they fix it?

[200] He's out.

[201] He only went back in because of COVID.

[202] And now he's back up for?

[203] not very long I think he was 2014 how's his mom's family feel about this 2014 yeah that quick that's fucking crazy yeah you go and jail for eight years legions he went to he thought well he thought his mother was the devil and was going to hurt the rest of the family this isn't like this isn't cool mental illness like I'm kind of kind of bipolar so excuse my behavior this is like serious mental illness voices in your head that's like uh jason vorhe's shit like why do they uh let him out well they put him in he got found not guilty by reason of insanity wow went to a mental institution showed great progress uh and now he's out well he's half of us he's got a he's got a job and a bank account and he was employee of the month in his job.

[204] Who hires them?

[205] Knife company?

[206] Knife company.

[207] He doesn't have sponsorship, but the point is he's starting a podcast.

[208] Bobby at Notes from thepen dot com fucking accidentally killed his wife during a suicide attempt.

[209] Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?

[210] He's the other guy.

[211] Jesus Christ.

[212] But he's, that guy's brilliant.

[213] He's really strong.

[214] He was drug addicted and tried to kill himself and fucking bullet went behind him as his wife was trying to stop him, killed her and, yeah, he's doing 15 years.

[215] He's like four years away from release in Michigan.

[216] Hopefully, fucking Michigan starts, they don't have a good behavior kind of thing where Bobby would be out by now.

[217] That guy's actually a legit writer.

[218] He does, on his website, he has uh he's a comedy fan and he has all these uh how a comic these different comics pull up notes from the pen dot com and how comics would fare in prison because he rates all all the comedians how they would and of course you you do very well uh he'll pull it up this book that you have the point is they both have podcast bobby's podcast is really popular now let me see Andrew Santino, 7 out of 10, Redhead, quick wit, relatively young, confident.

[219] He'd find his crew.

[220] I feel like Redheads fight more than usual, so he'd probably get into a few altercations, but generally would be all right with a few, some new stories, and a few scars.

[221] Go up a little bit.

[222] Go to Rogan.

[223] Amy Schumer.

[224] Question mark.

[225] Adam Saylor, 9 out of 10.

[226] If I had only seen his comedies, I would have scored him lower.

[227] but there's a depth even dark and some of the circles have you seen uncut gems it's fucking fantastic it's great it's fucking fantastic it's like if you think you know who Adam Sandler is watch uncut gems I mean that guy's an incredible actor like if you see Waterboy and then you see this you'll go wait wait a fucking minute this is the same guy like how come you haven't been doing this the whole time like he's so good you wonder like it's crazy that he does these like silly movies which I guess he loves and I like I love Zohan's one of my favorite movies There's one that I watched on a Hangover Sundays where you go I just need something dumb But not too dumb I forget what it was It was one of the dumb ones I swear he's someone's dad And comes back into his life I think that is probably seven of his movies Oh yeah yeah he's got a gang of those kind of movies But it was like this is like so perfectly dumb for what I need in my head right now.

[228] Yeah, they're fun movies.

[229] Like he's got, me and the family when we went into the COVID lockdown, we watched every Adam Sandlin movie.

[230] We had like movie night basically every night because we were just trapped at home.

[231] You know, in the beginning, everyone was trapped.

[232] That's all we did.

[233] We stayed at home.

[234] We watched movies.

[235] We went to the grocery store.

[236] And then slowly but surely, people started getting annoyed with it.

[237] Well, that's the difference is, and it was triggering to hear.

[238] When you said, me and the family, because that's the part of Joe Rogan, no one ever considers, is you do actually have a family.

[239] I do not.

[240] So for me at home, it was just the usual suspects that would come over and, you know, in the summer we'd have movie nights out on the patio.

[241] Yeah.

[242] Watch the jerk.

[243] Why would you watch the jerk again?

[244] Because we're locked down.

[245] It's a good fucking movie.

[246] Yeah, and having cocktails on the patio.

[247] The jerk is kind of historic, too.

[248] It's like it's not just a good.

[249] movie it's like you're watching a chunk of history like this is when steve martin came out that movie back in the day that movie was the shit it was the shit and it still is it is i don't know if younger people appreciate a lot of this stuff that uh that we do the jerk but i think the jerk the jerk held up in front of an audience of younger people so it's fucking some of them you go even myself like kentucky fried movie you go oh that was this shit in 1979 And then you watch you, go, this is the dumbest fucking movie.

[250] I didn't see that.

[251] I think I saw it back in the day, but I haven't seen that recently.

[252] Movie 42 is the one that we found.

[253] What's that?

[254] I think it's called Movie 42.

[255] Hey, I wanted to see Rogan how Rogan fared in prison on notes from the pen.

[256] Movie 42 is like a, it's a sketch comedy, but like huge names are in it.

[257] Like Hugh Jackman was got balls on his chin.

[258] It's just really.

[259] dumb like it's basically you know sketch comedy but filmed like a movie okay anyway it's one of the things that we've found just watching dumb shit 43 sorry the biggest cast ever assembled that's why i have to have you fact check me janey christin bell joey dyes 9 out of 10 this is pointless joey koko diaz is already done oh you're fucking 10 out of 10 in cal oh i got 10 out of time visually and physically multiple black belts son of an Irish cop from Boston New Jersey actually first choice for a victim respectful intuitive and disciplined cake walk perfect score oh there we go you don't even have to read it I just I love where it says Joe List see Chris Hardwick with glasses but I talk to Bobby a couple few times a week and he's a fucking great guy my point was he has merch he doesn't just have a podcast he's selling merch so when i started my podcast i thought uh this is just a throwaway because everyone has a podcast now i have two friends in prisons or mental institutions that have podcasts and are probably pushing more merch than me so so the guy who killed his mom he has a podcast as well i don't think he has a lot of listeners well he does now he just he just put out to what's it called uh the war Oh, wow.

[260] But he does open mics at, in the mental institution.

[261] What?

[262] Yeah.

[263] Mental institution has open mics?

[264] He started it.

[265] Isn't comedy bad for your mental health?

[266] Like, if his comedy is bad for everyone else's mental health, I'll be, and I'm very honest with him, like, he sends me clips of him, and I go, I didn't even know when I would, like, give you a polite laugh, because I didn't know where the joke was.

[267] That's not good But he's getting out But he's a great Like he's aware of his psychosis He thought Lorne Michaels Was secretly Telling him He was going to be on Saturday Night Live So what he does He murders his mother Stay with me Then he drives From the southeast Up to New York City He gets on the set Of Saturday Night Live texts pictures to his sisters saying see I'm on the set then finally security sees the error in their ways they escort him off huge fan of Legion of Skanks so he goes down he hangs out at the cave and creek the podcast like Big Jay right they know who this guy is they know his deal actually I just did Legion of Skanks and I fucking I dialed Twyman I could call Twyman right now oh boy but I won't yeah let's not Jesus Christ That's hilarious And then they finally caught him And he went to Rikers Island And then he got Found Not Guilty Anyway, he's a big comedy fan Oh, there you go Said to say hi Thomas and hi back It's a It's a real bummer When you like someone And then you hear their comedy And you're like, I can't Yeah Can't be friends to Well, this is Yeah This is a Yeah Well he's a different case Yeah It's But you know like When you're When you like At the store There was always an interesting hodgepodge of beginners and veterans people that had been you know doing the road forever and then there'd be people that you know you hung out with you're like oh he seems like a funny guy and then you see a set and you're like oh shit I can't hang out with you I just can't because you're not going to make it it's like you've never dated a comedian no I did when I was 21 where I was 21 I was in a relationship for like a year and a half it can get rough And they're working out bits, and you can't, like, I can tell Twyman.

[268] I don't get why you would even think that's a joke.

[269] Right.

[270] And he can handle it.

[271] Because who's he going to kill me?

[272] If he kills another person, he's really going away this time, for real.

[273] None of these meds are going to work.

[274] Yeah, the dating comedian thing, it works sometimes.

[275] Like Tom Seguerum, Christina Pisizki, it works great.

[276] you know Bonnie McFarland is funnier than Voss so it's a power dynamic yeah well they're both funny they're both very funny and as is Christina and Suggura they're both very funny the problem is when one is not yeah and then it's usually like an ugly male comic who's funny and a hotter female comic who's not funny who needs someone to punch up yeah writes their jokes for them it's always the case they're always like like half -ass writers.

[277] And they get hooked up with some really, you know, really funny comic who troll.

[278] He's fucking way above his head.

[279] The old troll guy like me or Bill Amar.

[280] And he's fucking way above his head.

[281] And so he helps punch up her act.

[282] I've had a lot of friends that have had those kind of weirdo.

[283] Natasha Lajara, Moshe Castro.

[284] That's another good relationship between two funny people.

[285] But there's been a lot of those relationships where the one of them is not good.

[286] You know?

[287] How many times have you fallen into the trap of the comedian that you see them do five minutes in the belly room or whatever you go, that guy's got some he's really funny but and then you realize oh he stumbled into two accidentally funny jokes and he doesn't even understand her funny but you're already promoting him I knew a girl who was like that for whatever reason she never it never clicked I don't want to say her name but it never clicked but I saw her at an open mic night one time like 15 16 years ago and I was like holy shit she's a fucking monster I was like she is going to be huge she's going to be goddamn huge and she never put it together but she had one open mic night set in the belly room and I watched it and I was like Jesus Christ that that is a funny person this is this is a trap as well when you say I'm not going to say their name so right now there's 130 women thinking he's talking about me is he talking about me no the one the one i'm talking about she's doing great with other stuff so it's not like uh you know that's the thing with comics it's like either they make it or they're a tragedy you know either they make it as a comedian or whatever it is that sought them that that made them seek out becoming a comic ruins whatever's left of their life you know if they can't make it in comedy and they see all these other people make it in comedy then they're depressed and angry and bitter and they just want to burn a burn the world down you know they just it's but this woman's not like that she actually became successful at other stuff have you had people turn on you because they thought you were going to help them as much as you helped other comics where you know no no not really i help people as much as much as much as there's only much it's only so much you can help you know and there's some people you can't help you're like what you're doing is so poor it's just like such there's nothing there like i don't know what you need to do to change the way you're interfacing with reality what what about older comics that oh that's bad that's where they just stopped trying.

[288] Yeah.

[289] Yeah, we're going in a different direction on this tour.

[290] Imagine if you were still doing your act from like 2000.

[291] Imagine.

[292] You had some great bits in 2000.

[293] I remember your act in 2000.

[294] It's funny as fuck.

[295] Imagine if you just hung on to that and you kept doing it on the road.

[296] There's a lot of guys like that.

[297] Yeah.

[298] We know them.

[299] And they're out there.

[300] They're just fucking.

[301] It's like, I mean, if you're in a band, it's a different story, you know?

[302] Like, I think band members don't mind doing old songs.

[303] Like, the stones will go out there, and they'll do an old album, and I don't think it's a problem, but a comic.

[304] It's just like, it's something, it's death.

[305] There's something about, like, rehashing an old perspective and trotting it out there, like you give a fuck.

[306] It's like, oh, I find myself in that position where I still do give a fuck about, issues.

[307] Because you and I both talk about shit that's horrible in society generally.

[308] And when that doesn't change, and you're still angry about it, but you already did three different bits from three different angles, and I can't eat this pie with a different fork again.

[309] The fuck do I do.

[310] Right.

[311] And then sometimes find a better perspective.

[312] I don't understand.

[313] How much are you on social media?

[314] Oh, I've been far.

[315] The The point is, I don't know about a lot of shit, but I'm aware of what I don't know.

[316] So try not to launch an opinion.

[317] Yeah, the old perspectives that are still valid are weird, too, because it's like nothing's changed.

[318] It's like some old perspectives that you had, they are still good.

[319] Like, they are still valid.

[320] I guess I'm not talking about that.

[321] I'm talking about comics that just, like, you know, they become like a carpenter.

[322] Not that there's anything wrong with being a carpenter, but they've got tools.

[323] And they just, you know, they just like, oh, this one needs a fucking T -square.

[324] And I'm going to use a hammer on that.

[325] And they're not comics anymore.

[326] They're just like tradesmen.

[327] Yeah, they're playing fucking Tetris.

[328] All right, this point of view fits into this.

[329] Yes, that's a good way to put it.

[330] Yeah, that's a good way of put it.

[331] Yeah, with a very dated reference, because that's the last video game that was on a phone that I saw.

[332] Oh, they still have Tetris, and I still use the reference.

[333] So, yeah, at some point, you're going to suck unless.

[334] I don't know what's worse, is, like, being the guy who has dated references because he doesn't know, like, oh, now video games are in 3D or 4D or immersive fucking experience, or being the old guy that, like, still watches whatever kids watch and uses those references.

[335] 70 -year -old guy playing Twitch games online.

[336] Yeah.

[337] It's like Grand Theft Auto, six?

[338] Is it seven yet?

[339] I don't know.

[340] How many Grand Theft Autos are there, Jamie?

[341] I'm still on five.

[342] Five?

[343] Ten years.

[344] Ten years?

[345] It's been a while.

[346] We're still promoting it, though.

[347] You mean Grand Theft Auto 5 came out 10 years ago?

[348] It came out right around the time I got a job.

[349] So that's even a date of reference.

[350] Eight, nine years, yeah.

[351] I'm using a 10 -year -old reference as a new reference of something I don't understand.

[352] It's so popular, so no, I mean, you're not really that wrong, to be honest with you.

[353] Well, it's, uh...

[354] Are they making a new reference?

[355] one they're very quiet about that so like no one knows they're very quiet about a lot of things like if you were a comic that like maybe eight years ago was hired to be a comic that's in the game and you put on the whole fucking cg i suit and you did your act in front of a fake audience so they can put it in the game but you had to sign all sorts of non -disclosure agreements like it's the biggest secret that you're going to be on the game and then you're never on the game, you still to this day could not fucking talk about it.

[356] That's my point.

[357] Annie Letterman's one of the bigger voices in that game.

[358] Is she really?

[359] Yeah.

[360] I fucking love her.

[361] I love her.

[362] The comedy store documentary.

[363] Yeah, she was great in it.

[364] She was great.

[365] One of the good things about COVID, and I could go on about all the great things about COVID, and I'm sorry of half a million people are collateral damage to the joy that I've gotten out of COVID, is I get to learn about a lot of new comics that I don't watch comedy because I'm always afraid oh I'm going to yeah she's one of my favorites and that was that uh comedy store documentary that maybe oh fuck I love this chick yeah turns out she was a she went to the Death Valley party they they had like a resurgence of it a small core group went out to Death Valley in October and she showed up and I was I pussyed out like I don't want to drive fucking 13 hours to fucking Death Valley but uh you get to meet her Anyway, she's, I'm trying to get her to move out here.

[366] She probably will.

[367] She's fucking brilliant, man. Bargazzi.

[368] Oh, yeah, no. Nate Bargazzi's fucking hilarious.

[369] I'm trying to think of Nate Craig was one.

[370] Sam Morrill.

[371] Sam Morrill is very funny.

[372] Very funny.

[373] Yeah, like I actually sat down and watched a bunch of people.

[374] There's a great crew coming up, you know?

[375] There's, um, do you pay attention to Andrew Schultz?

[376] You listen to his stuff?

[377] Yeah, no. Schultz, like, there's a few that I, I'm terrible.

[378] and so are you at following up a lot of times like hey Joe on Sunday what time on Wednesday and where do I go I didn't text you back no no and like it affected all my travel plans and then I then I asked the fucking worst person ever hey uh who'd you ask red band no no red band's the one who fucking got he was the hero now Brett Erickson fucking Kerry Mitchell I'm like can you at least tell me like do you know like what part of Austin so I could book a hotel near it and they gave me they didn't say I don't know they gave me the wrong information they gave me the information of the fucking new place and he lives like 10 minutes north of there like well does he do the podcast there I want to be like Uber distance but if you live out in fucking butt fuck rich part of town they might not have Uber Ron White fucked us like that once.

[379] Did he?

[380] Well, yeah, he's like, yeah, after the show in Atlanta, he showed up and did a guest spot.

[381] But you have to come to my house to party afterwards.

[382] It's just right down the road.

[383] It's like fucking almost an hour away.

[384] We're going to be on the tour bus.

[385] So we'll take all of you on the tour bus, and we're coming back through this way.

[386] Anyway, tomorrow we'll drop you back off.

[387] And we party through the night, like one of the hardest fucking hangovers I've ever lived through.

[388] with a show the next night.

[389] Ron White's sober now.

[390] Oh, well, you tell me that, but, hey.

[391] So the next morning, as we're still, like, vaguely awake, he's like, you guys got to get an Uber.

[392] Like, I thought the tour bus has taken us back.

[393] Change of plans.

[394] Oh, God.

[395] And then it's the gated community on a golf course, and a fucking Uber takes two and a half hours.

[396] So we're drinking again to fucking tamp down the hangover.

[397] And then it was one of the worst shows I've ever had that night Where I said if I gave refunds This would be the show But I don't Yeah I heard he did you do some like ayahuasca Yeah he went He's more than 60 days sober now Sharp as attack I did the Chappelle shows with him last week I did Sunday and Tuesday with him last week And I did a Vulcan gas company in town too I did that with him too He's fucking sharp as fuck and just completely sober he went to the doctor big mistake right don't go to the doctor nope he went to the doctor the doctor gave him the old once over and go we gotta fucking hit the brakes on this train like this runaway train is heading right for a cliff did he tell you why he went to the doctor nope I didn't ask I feel like Ron White tells you everything he wants to tell you oh I do I because that's my doctor is who did I just talk to I can fuck it I'll see Jordan Zvon Warren's son who I've known peripherally through like MySpace and social media like we've DM'd here and there he sent me like Warren Zvon's like original practice amp a fucking cool guy and I said hey I want you on the podcast it's just a couple weeks ago and he's like I'm probably not that interesting I'm not Jordan Springsteen but here's my number anyway, because I don't drink anymore.

[398] And I called him up, and I go, I'll tell you if you're interesting or not.

[399] And he told me the most interesting story.

[400] He got diagnosed with cirrhosis and then I'm wrapped.

[401] Like, what made you go to the doctor to begin with?

[402] What symptoms should I be looking for that you had?

[403] It's like Headberg's old joke.

[404] My girlfriend wanted me to get an A's test.

[405] So I called my friend.

[406] I said, hey, Brian, do you know anyone with A's?

[407] And he said, no. And I said, well, you know me. What should I look for?

[408] I have none of those symptoms.

[409] I think I'm good.

[410] You're a moderate, regular drinker.

[411] That's what I would say.

[412] Well, it's also 1 .30 in the afternoon.

[413] Yeah, but I mean, you drink a lot of light beer.

[414] No, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's like 13 years ago.

[415] When they just a cocktail?

[416] because I don't know anything.

[417] I need you as a fucking personal trainer of life.

[418] At 2008, I quit smoking for a year.

[419] And I got really fat.

[420] And so what I did is I switched from Miller Light to vodka cranberry straight, thinking, oh, cranberry is a juice, which is good for you.

[421] No, it's got like eight times the fucking sugar.

[422] have you ever had like an actual cranberry they're disgusting oh yeah they're cranberry juice cocktail is just sugar yeah yeah now i i do uh vodka soda with just a splash of juice that's a good yeah but at first i go oh juice is better for me i'm not considering sugar makes you fat yeah that shit's real fatty um but the cigarettes what is it what happens when you get off cigarettes it jacks up your cigarettes jack up your metabolism right it does something and when you get off of it slows you down kills your appetite oh is that what is yeah but it also doesn't the nicotine like rev you up like yeah burns calories too yeah I I if I'm on a bender and that you know the hangover will kick in when I light my first cigarette the next day and then I'll get like booze shakes oh it's after the first cigarette hmm that's interesting the cigarette that means it does jack you up yeah like you hold I'm holding a drink with two hands Like leaving Las Vegas Where he can't sign the fucking banknote I remember that movie I like smoking cigarettes before shows I did it once with Hinchcliff Yeah yeah yeah yeah I remember when you barely drank I remember one podcast we did a million years ago Where you had like three beers And you were saying you were drunk Really Yeah it was a long time ago Yeah but I mean that was like 2009 When I started podcast podcast.

[423] I have no idea of time.

[424] I was for sure drinking, like actual drinking then.

[425] Well, you're older.

[426] You don't have the memory that I do.

[427] Yeah.

[428] I'm over the by like, what, two months?

[429] No, tomorrow's my birthday.

[430] How old are you tomorrow?

[431] You're February, right?

[432] No, I'm August.

[433] How old are you tomorrow?

[434] Oh, wait, you're, I'm older than you.

[435] Yeah, I think so.

[436] All right.

[437] I thought you were a month older than me. No. All right.

[438] Well, you're a kid.

[439] You have no idea what you're talking about.

[440] I'm 54 tomorrow.

[441] I'll be 54 in August.

[442] that weird when i was a kid i thought 54 people that that was a dead person you aren't doing shit you're just laying around waiting to rot out from the inside i know and i still feel like that and everyone's aging beautifully and i'm not going to keep up ron white was fucking luxurious head of hair and uh now that he's 60 days sober sharp as attack i think he's going to pull through this swimmingly i don't remember him not being sharp as attack well he was always great even when he was drunk i mean he was always a great comment for sure, even when he was drinking like every day.

[443] But you know, like I said, I didn't ask for specifics what it is that was getting him but something was getting them.

[444] Something bad enough where he got so scared that not only did he get off the booze, but then he went to Costa Rica and did multiple ayahuasca ceremonies.

[445] Oh.

[446] And he wants to talk about it, but I don't want to talk to him about it until he talks about it on the podcast.

[447] I go, let's just tell me on the air because like the first time you tell me it would be the best that's do you because i'm always in that mindset yeah like jordan's eve on that conversation we talked for almost an hour and i go i just wasted a fucking podcast i'm monetizing in my head even without money i'm monetizing capitalizing on a personal conversation where you're like fuck that would have been a great you could look at it that way but you could also look at it like you want to share this in its purest and best form with all the people that enjoy your podcast That's why when I saw you, I go, just tell me the stuff that we're not going to talk about on the podcast.

[448] Don't fucking waste a breath.

[449] That stuff will be soon.

[450] The stuff that I told you to not to talk about, it's just a matter of we have to get up and running.

[451] Yeah, I don't want to waste a breath that's worth shit.

[452] What is this?

[453] TX whiskey?

[454] That came from a fan.

[455] Oh, Jesus.

[456] Probably tainted.

[457] Now, I just opened it before because I had the.

[458] boo shakes before you showed up and I go I should open this now because I don't want to be quivering.

[459] It smells good.

[460] I did a podcast yesterday with Marcus LaTrell.

[461] That is not a sponsor.

[462] TX, I brought that bottle on purpose for Texas.

[463] If I get a fucking if I had a whiskey sponsor on my podcast, I would be making bank.

[464] We have a whiskey sponsor.

[465] We have a Buffalo Trace.

[466] The shit.

[467] You ever have that?

[468] Yes, I have.

[469] Phenomenal.

[470] And I could It's, if there is anything I could sell on my podcast, it's liquor.

[471] Yeah.

[472] When I was a Miller Light drinker on stage, I think my first five specials of whatever, like CDs or DVDs when they made the transition, you can hear me saying, can I get another Miller Light up here?

[473] And I wasn't pushing the product.

[474] It's just what I drank.

[475] But on the road, they would sell out of Miller Light.

[476] If I was doing a week by fucking first show Friday, there's.

[477] sold out of the brand I'm drinking.

[478] I'm like, it tastes exactly like fucking Coors Light or Bud Light.

[479] I couldn't tell the difference.

[480] A whiskey I could fucking sell.

[481] So, yes, I am actively fucking searching out a whiskey sponsor.

[482] Maybe you should go to the doctor first, get checked out.

[483] Make sure everything's okay.

[484] Feel great.

[485] Okay, fine.

[486] Do I look bad?

[487] Now you look great.

[488] Like I said, Ron White's 10 years old than you.

[489] And he's been going hard forever.

[490] He's been going hard for 50 years.

[491] Is he, uh, he was a cigar smoker?

[492] Yeah, still smokes cigars.

[493] He still smokes weed.

[494] But he's, uh, he's off.

[495] I've been doing the edibles.

[496] Have you?

[497] Really?

[498] Yeah.

[499] Well, I saw that on your Instagram or your, uh, Twitter, rather.

[500] I was like, look at this.

[501] Yeah.

[502] You know, paranoid?

[503] No, no, no. Not, not really.

[504] But I, I've been doing them mostly during a fucking year of COVID.

[505] So I would make you paranoid, though?

[506] Just be, don't you get just like, just think of mortality and, life and death and people used to know 10 milligrams well sometimes a little baby little baby doses yeah yeah uh i mean i get paranoid anyway i get fucking paranoid on the road driving through west texas i know how far have you been from austin i've been in a car um not recently but i've been i've driven you know down to houston dallas well west texas just like yeah west texas you might as well being a vampire movie.

[507] Especially when I'm in that headspace after, okay, I just did 450 miles, stopping to piss once with my gator up.

[508] The gator's fucking great because it hides my fucking old man neck flesh.

[509] So, another great thing about it.

[510] Well, there was a lot of guys that were rocking the neck bandana anyway for a long time.

[511] And now, you know, they just keep it going.

[512] That, like, by the way, that neck bandana doesn't do jack shit.

[513] I know.

[514] I talked to my doctor about it.

[515] He was like, you might as well not have a fucking mask on with that thing.

[516] Well, no, I...

[517] Open at the bottom.

[518] If I'm in a place, I put a fucking N95, and then I put this over it.

[519] Do you take in any vitamins or anything to try to protect yourself?

[520] I took four B -12s before I came here.

[521] I get chewable zincs with C. At home, I load up on C. I drink a smoothie that has carrot juice.

[522] What?

[523] Beats.

[524] If it's a red one, I'll do beets and strawberries.

[525] Spinach.

[526] I don't fucking do kale, broccoli.

[527] and I have the green mix flaxseed and peanut butter for protein if it's green I do cucumber and celery for flavor green apple pineapple are you feeling better from doing this?

[528] No I feel like shit all the time that doesn't help at all?

[529] I'm sure it does but I don't notice I'm really bad with cause and effect like I get nervous when I started this I'm like I'm nervous and I love it but I'm not mentally aware that I'm nervous.

[530] I know physically that I'm nervous.

[531] When I book the UK, I'm so terrified of the UK for some reason, even though they're very welcoming to me. I'm terrified of their audiences because generally I think they're smarter and funnier than most American comedians.

[532] Just the average guy in the crowd that I know when I can't brush my tongue because I gag that I'm nervous, where I, I wasn't really aware that I was nervous until...

[533] I think they have very high standards for your work in the UK.

[534] They don't tolerate sloppiness so much.

[535] They want you to be prepared.

[536] But I don't know what they expect.

[537] Because you don't know the culture as well.

[538] Right.

[539] Yeah.

[540] I can't profile like you can in the States where you can look at a person and know by what they're wearing or how they carry themselves over there, everyone's just a mutated head like me with fucking, I don't know you're they're generally generally very accepting towards American comics though.

[541] Like American comics have gone over there they've done really well.

[542] Like Byrd did his last special there.

[543] You know, obviously Hicks became huge over there.

[544] A lot of guys go over there and do really well.

[545] Yeah, I don't know why, but I just don't know they're very polite there too right during the day a few pints later then they're all their agro that they've swallowed because of their culture oh it's impolite to say this and that's why they're fucking smashing each other in the head with pint glasses at the end of the night at last call or whatever they call last call they got a lot of stabbings over there it's a weird thing because you know it's hard to get a gun yeah old bit I used to do like we have all the shootings but less of the fist fights because well true that we have no we have no health care they can afford to beat the fuck eye of each other because they don't have to pay for the stitches it's a old bit so I don't remember how it goes tell me about this book you were telling me about this book oh Sam talent yeah yes running the light that's for you because I think thank you I think someone else told me about this, and I wasn't paying attention.

[546] And it's the best depiction of road comedy.

[547] There's never been any movie in the United States that shows stand -up comedy for what it is.

[548] What was Adam Sandler?

[549] Back to Adam Sandler.

[550] The one he did where he's the old bitter comic that thinks he has cancer, but he's wrong.

[551] Yeah, funny people.

[552] I never saw that.

[553] that that was a but it wasn't applicable to road comedy where this is someone who's still doing one -nighters in fucking amarillo texas he's an old guy and he's 53 yeah um there was we were talking before the podcast about bill mar's book a lot of people don't know it it's one of the things that i before i talk to bill mar i i want to tell him that's like it's a great tell his fucking writers to stop stealing my fucking bits are they starting to start you?

[554] Yeah, we, I, really?

[555] That Patreon was supposed to go out fucking three weeks ago, but Chaley was on vacation.

[556] Yeah, it's, again.

[557] With bit?

[558] Well, this time, it's subtle hints at it.

[559] It was about, well, my bit was about the 10K fun run for your own ego, I think, was the track title.

[560] But we have to, his was, we have to stop raising awareness for raising awareness.

[561] And then there's things that are absolutely specific to my bit from four years ago when it was relevant.

[562] He goes into, like, and football, can you stop with the pink shoes?

[563] Like, I'm trying to watch the game here, like specific lines in my cadence where, like, I know you fucking, I don't think Bill Maher stole shit because I don't think he's that committed to his own show.

[564] I think he walks into his writer's room and says, what's my opinion this week?

[565] You, go, you, go.

[566] I think is, but he's fucking ripped me off since 2007 as a goof, you know, PR stud basically.

[567] When Bristol Palin was announced that she was, you know, pregnant at, like, 17, when Sarah Palin was vice presidential candidate, we put up a website, saving bristol .com, whereas offering her, like 25 grand to have an abortion so she doesn't ruin her life and get stuck in that cult.

[568] The next day or within that week, he put up a fucking Levi, the father of the baby, a website saying we're going to raise money to fucking, like mirror.

[569] Like this is fucking specific.

[570] And this last one was he's talking about NFL players wearing pink shoes, the bit I did like five years ago where the NFL hasn't done pink shoes for years and it's not even football season and you're using the exact same fucking wow it's probably his writers you're probably right yeah fucking abortion is green it's one of my favorite bits I did a long time ago yeah he did that you know that bit I remember that bit very well yeah and I that's the problem with writers I mean we've always had a problem with that at the store like guys would come in writers are sit in the back of the room and then you'd hear certain comics bits on someone's monologue we had that problem with the man show yeah not it's a reverse problem is that we know we're going to take the bad beat for doing shitty bits the sketch is like this do you remember the time we had to do some fucking awful bit that uh where we were talking yeah i know what you're saying yeah but we forgot that we were we forgot we were miced up and we were talking about like this fucking bit we're about to fucking we forgot that the head writer who was listening to the entire thing the problem is still feel bad about that i don't feel bad about that you we were forced into that situation that was a trick you know i tell people what happened with that show you and i got pulled aside that specific incident yeah incident where uh like if we had talked to to his face and said this thing sucks but he had to hear it from me smoking backstage by a fucking dumpster and you talking to me were like who fucking wrote this Jesus gun good God I can't believe I would never do a show like that ever again I don't think you can ever do a show where you bring in producers that aren't comics that don't understand your sensibility and then you have network executives that have their opinions and they're not fun and they all want to get their greasy little hands on the recipe and it becomes a disaster like I'm we're uh you know Olivia Grace yes very funny best I met her when she was like 16 yeah she has a fucking tattoo of a quote of my bid on her belly from when she was like 16 whoa and I go I'll pay for you to get that covered up get that laser off kid but we're pitching a show or series now and on what network well for what Well, the premise is, I don't know if you saw my Louie episode, whereas the character was named Eddie that was going to kill himself.

[571] And it ends with me driving off to my last gig to kill myself.

[572] But what if Eddie didn't kill himself?

[573] And here 15 years later, it's kind of a Harold and Maud thing.

[574] And it's through a British production company where you go, oh, okay.

[575] There's a huge difference.

[576] But we're pitching it homegrown network.

[577] The point is that I don't need it now.

[578] When we did the man show, I needed that and you didn't because you were doing Fear Factor.

[579] Like if you weren't doing Fear Factor, you had the presence to go, fuck this.

[580] I'm not doing this.

[581] No, we're doing it this way.

[582] And I was the guy that was in the office every day going, uh, whatever you say.

[583] I think that's funnier Well I only did it because I was going to do it with you Like I was very specific with them Like they they pitched a bunch of other people And I said no I said I'm doing it with Stan Oper I'm not going to do it I'm like I need a real comic I'm like I need a crazy person Yeah but I did not have You didn't have the ability to say fuck you Yeah but now now I do So now it's kind of fun to pitch a series I don't need it I think it would be funny I love the premise and it would be dark like that episode I did.

[584] Well, she's great.

[585] I'm down for anything that she does.

[586] But I just feel like at this day and age, like any time you bring other people into the mix, it's a mess.

[587] Just you've got to be autonomous.

[588] But I'm saying now I have that presence of mind where I wouldn't do something stupid because a suit went how about instead of yours like a suicidal drunk guy, you're a crazy guy who wears funny hats.

[589] Like I would not capitulate.

[590] Like if we were in the same situation that we were in way back then with the man show today we'd be like no we're not doing this sketch like there was there was a bunch of sketches that were like they shouldn't have been on the show they just were not good and these guys they had this idea of what it is my favorite fucking scene was the the joey dyes bursting out naked to introduce us yes i remember Zoe Friedman cried she she she she it aged her like a president where she became a frumpy old woman looking at Joey Diaz bursting through that going, do you think this is what man's show is about?

[591] Well, no, no, no. That was before he did it.

[592] Before he did it, she thought that.

[593] And then once he did it, that became the number one thing on the show.

[594] That was all the promos.

[595] That was the thing.

[596] Like, when they show the ads.

[597] We only did it once from my...

[598] Yes.

[599] But when we did it, that became a part of the promos.

[600] when Joey burst out naked and started dancing that became a big part of the promo but before then I said I made a compromise I go we'll do it your way first and then we'll do it our way and then we don't have to show this people can find it online but Joey's the best I'm so bummed out he's in New Jersey I'm trying to trick him into coming out here once I open my club out here I'm going to slowly trick him into coming out here I just have to figure out what's the proper strategy you uh i'll come out here more because you're on the perfect side of the country like everything east of the 35 corridor that goes all away from the fucking bottom of texas up through kansas city and minneapolis i could drive everything west of there the long route and listen to fucking audible books and be in bliss and in like my most hyper creative place You still got that white suburban?

[601] We call it the van We still tour in that fucking thing And you don't want someone to know You just had a fucking creeper Come up to the door here Yeah you don't want someone to know what you're driving Train killers out there You know I still I do gigs in shitholes Where they don't have a green room So I sit in the van And smoke cigarettes Tillie comes out and taps on the window goes come on in through the kitchen go get you on stage and we call it mobile green room so we always call it the van on the podcast so people don't look for a white suburban well you shouldn't say it again we'll bleep that out no no don't bleep it out jame oh don't bleep it out you can put a wrap on it camouflage people still say oh hey you gave out uh my address is public yeah well i remember you had those people coming over your house for the super bowl party but i was saying it's an open invitation to like the town and you said so it's like anyone who shows up can go I go yeah but I was talking about the town so people still email me no no no no you weren't you were on the podcast actively giving out your address calling the world to come to BISB Arizona to come to your party don't bullshit me you were 100 % saying you were putting it out there okay well I might have been led into it because of the power dynamic oh my god the power dynamic so so it was never like we people still will randomly show up and you know they're taking pictures it's just a fucking house it's not a compound or anything it's just it's got a lot of loud colors but uh so we had a couple problems with people who think that i'm talking to them oh what's the frequency caneth yeah you get you get any of the chip in the head guys?

[602] Yeah, I don't gauge them enough, but like he's still, they think that the podcast is secretly talking to you, like Twyman who murdered his mother, thought that Lauren Michaels was telling him to come on Saturday Night Live.

[603] Had a couple of those where fucking Chad Shank is great.

[604] I don't do Facebook, but when he sees problems coming like that, he fucking gives me a head up.

[605] So two times, once I have, Had to, have you had to do a restraining order yet?

[606] Not yet.

[607] No, he had my first.

[608] And I felt like, oh, I'm someone to get my first restraining order.

[609] The second one, like I warned the cops ahead of time.

[610] And the guy, I'm watching on security camera as, as the guy is updating his Facebook and Chad Shank is updating.

[611] Yep, he's, he's in town.

[612] Yeah.

[613] He's hitchhiking.

[614] Okay.

[615] And then I alerted the cops who fucking Bisbee cops have been so fucking cool with me. Are you friends with the cops in your town?

[616] Well, now a lot of them are judges.

[617] They became judges?

[618] Well, one of them.

[619] But they've all been cool with me. Yeah, a couple friends that are now judges.

[620] Are you there for life?

[621] Is that your spot now?

[622] Yeah.

[623] Oh, fuck.

[624] Let me get to comedian.

[625] Grove in a minute.

[626] Comedian Grove?

[627] Yeah.

[628] When I left on this trip, right before I left on Sunday, my buddy Raider found a spot where you go, oh, we could make Comedian Grove, like Bohemian Grove for comics.

[629] And it was the first time that I really thought, oh, I could leave Bisbee and move there.

[630] Comedian Grove, meaning like you have a place that comics can all move to.

[631] Yeah, where we could set up It's got 17 casitas 29 ,000 square Little houses Cabins but Southwest That's one of those things that I've read but I've never looked up Like a casita So you say cabin With a main house It's 4 ,000 square feet Like a ballroom which would be the showroom 2 ,000 square feet 42 miles from a secondary airport where you go oh yeah we could do you remember the cave house outside of bizby yeah i talked about violent remember i talked yeah and then we said if we it was a million dollars and i go uh if we get 10 comics to pitch in a hundred hundred grand we could have this like a fucking comedians yeah like you always had that idea of the league extraordinary comedian yes like a skull and bones this would be a place we could have a performance space 17 different places where people could come in like a private club free speech zone i don't know what the fuck they yeah with a showroom of vacation destination and i spent half of this drive turning off my fucking audible book thinking about it fucking fantasize i'm like listen let's pause you right here Let's join forces.

[632] Let's join forces, Doug Stanhope.

[633] Austin, Texas is calling you.

[634] That's what I'm doing here.

[635] That's my plan.

[636] My plan is to, I mean, I've already got Tim Dillon moved here.

[637] Fucking Dillon moved here.

[638] Dillon moved here.

[639] Tom's the girl moved here.

[640] He's on the road.

[641] He's doing gigs.

[642] It's the best place to do gigs because you're in the middle of the country.

[643] You could fly.

[644] It's the middle up, the middle down.

[645] I mean, it's not the middle down, but it's the middle left, middle right, the middle up.

[646] It's like to get to everything.

[647] It's in the center.

[648] But that's...

[649] This is making a new L .A. And it's...

[650] Uh -uh.

[651] No. It's making no Hollywood L .A. This is Bohemian Grove for comedy.

[652] This is like an invite only where...

[653] No. Where you...

[654] No, it's not.

[655] I just spent fucking three days fantasizing about this.

[656] I understand, but I'm telling you.

[657] Don't fantasy cock block me. I'm not fantasy cockblock.

[658] I moved here to do this.

[659] It's one of the reasons why I moved here.

[660] My plan was...

[661] move here, get settled, live in a place with less people, and also separate stand -up comedy from the entertainment industry outside of comedy.

[662] Because we're always been like entertainment industry adjacent, right?

[663] Movies and TV shows, they corrupt comics in a way.

[664] You know, in the opposite way you would think.

[665] You know, you think of like people getting corrupted, it's usually for the worse.

[666] But they get corrupted into they get watered down.

[667] They become politically correct and woke in a part of the system.

[668] We've seen it with talk show hosts and even.

[669] Even comics that are good that start working in Hollywood, they start quoting things like, fucking Sasha Baron Cohen.

[670] He made a Facebook message to Mark Zuckerberg asking him why a post from, there's a legendary portrait artist from Australia.

[671] Is it Lushux?

[672] How do you say it?

[673] A US -H -U -X?

[674] I've never said his name out loud.

[675] He's brilliant.

[676] He's a brilliant portrait artist who does parody.

[677] And Sasha Baron Cohen was saying to Mark Zuckerberg, why do you still have this up?

[678] It's a parody of Bill Gates with a needle, like a vaccine needle saying, are you ready for your upgrade or something along those lines?

[679] It's just funny.

[680] He did one of Elon Musk after Elon Musk was on my shows, smoking a joint.

[681] He did that.

[682] He's done, like, he does these massive murals of, and he's a brilliant artist.

[683] Sasha Baron Cohen.

[684] Ali G. The fucking man. I love him.

[685] I love his work.

[686] He's calling for parody to be taking down off of Facebook.

[687] They get corrupted.

[688] They get in.

[689] They get in with this crowd of weird people who want to comply.

[690] They all want everybody to be on the same page.

[691] And we're working for social justice and inclusiveness.

[692] It's like, Jesus, man. Like, your work is parody.

[693] This is parody.

[694] How did you get caught in this trap?

[695] Where you think that parity should be taken down?

[696] This is so crazy.

[697] Pull it up so we can see what it is.

[698] Because it's, it's, anybody that would think that this was real, and this isn't kind of funny.

[699] Look at this.

[700] Time to install your update.

[701] So you're saying Zuckerberg is taking this down.

[702] No, no, no, no, no, you're not listening.

[703] No, I've said a lot of words.

[704] Sasha Baron Cohen says Mark Zuckerberg.

[705] Oh, shit.

[706] O'Sha Berg - Go on.

[707] Oh, I thought you were seeing it.

[708] No, look at this.

[709] This is on Facebook, Instagram, Facebook's Instagram right now.

[710] Your algorithm is still recommending lies about COVID -ed vaccines.

[711] How many people have to die before you act?

[712] Stop death for profit.

[713] He's being serious.

[714] And this is, this guy.

[715] Pull up some of Lushach's other stuff.

[716] Do you have any idea why that bolsters my opinion of a fucking place out in the middle of the fucking desert?

[717] Here's another one.

[718] he did he did uh that's i guess his version of ali g but pull the one of uh elan musk he did a brilliant he's really good but the point is he does brilliant stuff it's cool to see but sasha baron you go out to ali g and and bruno and all his different it's all parody but he got caught up and thinking somehow or another that this parody piece which is making fun of like qanon people who think they're getting a fucking microchip installed with the with the vaccine he's making fun of them and Sasha Barron Cohen gets caught up in it.

[719] They've bivircated comedians.

[720] He's going all out.

[721] How he's making fun, Ali G. Look, he's genius, man. His stuff is really good.

[722] What is his, is that his Instagram?

[723] What's his Instagram?

[724] Lush sucks, I think, is what it is.

[725] Let's make sure we know what it is so we could tell everybody.

[726] All your team's going after him, it's a link.

[727] There's absolutely that no one in the comedic field that I think has more balls than fucking Sasha Barrettel.

[728] No one.

[729] Nobody.

[730] He just got caught up in the thing.

[731] He got caught up in the thing where he's probably not, he's probably so successful now and he's probably hanging out with other successful people and all the Hollywood people and he's out of the loop.

[732] He should have known who that guy is.

[733] Like everybody should know who that guy is.

[734] That guy is really good.

[735] I mean, he does these massive fucking murals too.

[736] He's Australian, correct?

[737] I think so.

[738] Yeah, he does these massive, he's a really fucking talented artist.

[739] so for him to be making fun of this Q &on meme of like installing a microchip in a vaccine and for Sasha Baron Cohen stop death for profit man no no I get you didn't get it but no man no I mean Ali G in the house have you seen that it's one of my all -time favorite comedy movies it's Ali G in a movie it's fucking genius where he starts fucking the guy thinking they're gonna die It was just one of the best things ever Was that in that movie?

[740] I don't know.

[741] It's the only movie I remember him in other than the...

[742] Dude.

[743] I bought a special VHS player just so I could play his old show from the UK Because there used to be...

[744] It's that old, it's VHS?

[745] Well, back in the day it was.

[746] See, here was the deal.

[747] You could only use...

[748] Like, there was different regions.

[749] Sorry, there's two parts of my brain working here and one of them is I have to piss.

[750] And that's one of the reasons I said, hey, why isn't Tim Dillon here so you could focus on him while I go piss?

[751] Just tell me when you have to pee.

[752] Don't worry about it, man. Go pee, go pee.

[753] I'll wait.

[754] I'll wait.

[755] It's all good.

[756] Talk to Jamie.

[757] I'm going to talk to Jamie.

[758] Yeah, have a discourse behind my back above me that I can listen to.

[759] I will.

[760] I will.

[761] I will.

[762] There we go.

[763] Nice pants.

[764] Look at them.

[765] They're PJs.

[766] When I haven't seen Doug in a while, we have to get into a rhythm.

[767] together right this is like what I feel like with him like I love him to death like I love him like family member but I don't see him enough you know and so we have to get in a rhythm when we start talking but uh I just hope Sasha Baron Cohen doesn't think I don't like him I love that guy I'm a giant fan I think he's amazing I just think he got just didn't understand what was happening I just thought it was silly but I'll point was and I'll explain it to I don't have to I'll explain, Doug, he's not going to remember.

[768] I'll explain it.

[769] You know the regions thing on VHS recorders?

[770] Do you know the old VHS?

[771] There was a region for VHS players in the UK, and it was like a different type of VHS tape.

[772] Do you remember that?

[773] Vaguely.

[774] I don't know how it worked, though.

[775] I know when this came out, I remember watching it, you know, but that was still on the internet.

[776] I might be fucking this up.

[777] Now that I'm thinking about it, I might be fucking it up and confusing it with DVD players.

[778] Is it a DVD player thing?

[779] It may be.

[780] Either way.

[781] It's some sort of a recording thing that you could only, you can only play stuff from the United States if you bought one from the United States.

[782] So if you tried to buy one of the, whether it's VHS or DVD, I can't remember because it's so long ago.

[783] If you tried to buy them.

[784] That's correct.

[785] There is a, so the U .S. uses NTSC standards while U .AK.

[786] uses PAL, PAL standard, and it says they will not play on VHS.

[787] Okay, so it was VH.

[788] Okay.

[789] So the VH, what was interesting is like you would have to give a non -region VHS tape or VHS player.

[790] And the VHS players that were really cheap for some reason would work on everything.

[791] Like the ones that were more expensive would only work on U .S. VHS tapes.

[792] So I bought a special VHS player just to watch the Ali G stuff because I loved him.

[793] His interviews, like, by the way, Trump is one of the few guys that he didn't get.

[794] Have you ever watched his interview with Trump?

[795] Like, he sits down with Trump and he's doing his, like, Ali G thing where he does this character, and he just acts like a moron.

[796] And a lot of people got, like, really upset with him.

[797] They didn't think it was funny at all.

[798] But you could see Trump right away.

[799] I was like, what?

[800] This is not tense.

[801] I'm just getting the fuck out of here.

[802] But there was some legendary interviews where people, like, genuinely got upset with him.

[803] One of the books I listened to on the way out, a guy lives in Austin, Zha Jing, or Zha Zhang, wrote a book called Rejection.

[804] proof where he was born in Beijing and he lives in Austin and he was trying to be an entrepreneur but he found himself afraid of rejection.

[805] So for a hundred days he went out every day and did something where he had to face rejection and he would film it for a video blog back then.

[806] And he wrote a book about how he over.

[807] But the things he was doing is like, I asked a man for a hundred dollars.

[808] And then I learned something from the, I asked him if I could tie his shoes.

[809] it was inspirational because it's very sweet and heartfelt and he was facing his own fears but the pranks were so like base level like if you had for gin and tonics this would be a four page book like fuck you know just ask and when you look at uh you know Sasha Baron Cohen or even the impractical jokers who I love it was nonsense things but it was still inspirational but the fucking balls on that guy it's a good move right if you're if you're having a real hard time with people rejecting you just go get rejected a lot and that's what he did that's really bold yeah and it was facing his own fears but he also had a lot of insight that you know went back to evolutionary psychology and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I go I just listen to that in a smart fuck book about oh that's why the hairs on your fucking back your neck stand up is because your animal instinct is to look bigger you go oh wow it's like dogs yeah yeah cats cats too the cats arch their back too try to get bigger yeah anyway I'm sorry I had to piss and fucking ruin the entire no you didn't ruin it at all it's um it's weird because like you could say if you were a reductionist you could look at someone get rejected go oh get over it it's nothing they didn't hurt you they just said no but it's not real we know that's what he gets into is exactly Darwinian theory about there's a reason that you don't, that you are afraid of rejection because in your ancestral place, yeah, rejection would make you not be an available mate or you know what I'm saying.

[810] Yes, I know what you're saying.

[811] Yeah.

[812] And it would wreck your confidence and your confidence.

[813] I think it probably has...

[814] And then chicks wouldn't fuck you and you wouldn't spread your seed.

[815] Right, but don't you think that has something to do like the confidence?

[816] and its thing must have something to do with either fighting off enemies or predators.

[817] Yeah.

[818] Like someone who could...

[819] I learned the pecking order is, there's a reason they call it the pecking order is because some naturalist realized, oh, chickens, chicken A will peck at chicken B or chicken C will peck at D, but they don't do that.

[820] D doesn't fight A because they know it would disrupt.

[821] They would lose and then they wouldn't spread seed.

[822] Yeah, I've seen it happen.

[823] It's with chickens, rather.

[824] Oh, I thought open mic night.

[825] That too.

[826] It's, uh, it's, uh, I had to stop ourselves from getting into, oh, yeah, we know shit about fucking evolutionary psychology just because I read a fucking long book while I was scared about Alpine Texas.

[827] You know, I think that that's one of the reasons why people are attracted to risk takers too.

[828] And I think this has actually been proven or it's at least, I shouldn't say proven, being theorized that like, guys like do to do those BMX jumps.

[829] and shit and guys who do like crazy risk -taking, like, things, there's something about that that a person is willing to risk their health and life is attractive to the opposite sex because that's a person who has courage.

[830] Even though it's a weirdly bastardized form of courage, you know, it's not the courage to go fight the enemies of the town that are coming in to try to steal your women and children, but it's courage nonetheless.

[831] So, like, we recognize that courage by itself is, like, a, it's, like, very powerful.

[832] the ability to do something that's very dangerous and you can take a risk I think that even applies to why people are attracted to people that go on stage exactly yeah and that comes up in Ja Zhang's book is adding humor and humor where humor fits into it's a weird thing right like people like people that can handle shit men and women man if you find a woman who can like take care of shit and like handle a little a sick situation.

[833] Like when things go sideways and she could laugh it off.

[834] Or not be fucked up by the fact that you are going to live this life and you do your own thing.

[835] Yes.

[836] It doesn't need you to go to theater with her to offset the time she went to fucking MMA with you.

[837] How about you do your own thing?

[838] And that's beautiful.

[839] Yeah, the confidence to do your own thing.

[840] And I think that's one thing where women in particular lose a lot of, they lose a lot of respect for men when men cave like we all that's the the thing where the guy like used to be into like certain sports or something like that's like body watch that that's for morons and then you start not watching it and you start why do you hang out with those guys they're idiots do you think they're funny they're fucking idiots stop hanging out with them like and you see those guys and those women don't want to fuck those guys anymore it's so crazy that that's what happens when they beat a man down like that separate them from his friends don't let them play sports don't let them get into things that she thinks are stupid like i dated a girl i've talked about this in the podcast before she was older than me it was like one of the few girls that ever dated when i was young she was very hot too and fun and uh she would tell me what to do and i would listen i was 21 and she was 25 and uh i got a car accident some fucking guy uh ran a light and and slammed into my car and um uh she when my car was we had to clean the car out because the car couldn't be driven she took my white snake cassette and threw it away She made me throw it away.

[841] I had a white snake cassette.

[842] That's because here I go again on my own was on it.

[843] And she goes, he's not going to have that anthem.

[844] No, she was saying that it's stupid.

[845] She's like, why do you listen to this?

[846] This is so dumb.

[847] And I was like, oh, okay.

[848] Like, I fucking just gave into it.

[849] And then one day, years later, a fan who had heard the story sent me a cassette to the old, sit on the old studio, right by Jamie's little amplifier.

[850] It's a white snake cassette.

[851] But that was one of those things.

[852] He's just like, I knew where this was going.

[853] I was like, okay, this girl's going to keep telling me it to do.

[854] Bingo.

[855] Bingo and I, our worlds don't collide often.

[856] The hair does.

[857] You have the same color hair?

[858] Yeah, no, no, no. She's, no, I had to, because Chaley, Tracy, and Bingo all have dyed hair.

[859] That's, you know, our fucking team.

[860] And so when I did this early COVID, just as a goof, I go, oh, now I can die.

[861] Like, I did the Mohawk first.

[862] I like it, dude.

[863] And, yeah, I think I might keep it.

[864] I think you should keep it.

[865] It felt perfect when I saw you.

[866] I was like that looks.

[867] There's no better feeling than shaving your hands.

[868] To me, it's so nice.

[869] It's so nice, because I was trying to keep up with my hair loss.

[870] And I got to a point where I was like, this is never, I'm losing this fight.

[871] I need to tap out.

[872] Yeah, our good friend from Alaska, Billy Bad, he did the same thing.

[873] He almost died from his transplant.

[874] Oh, my God.

[875] He's got the same.

[876] Infection?

[877] Infection.

[878] Infection.

[879] Imagine that So did What's the sports guy?

[880] Joe Buck Joe Buck almost died From a hair transplant Yeah Yeah I'm sure He was on Stern talking about it But But he still get the Charlie Brown scar in the back And he just fucking wears it well But he's a badass like you That's why they call him Billy Beck This is my public service announcement To just accept your hair loss If you look at me from the back of the head I want you to make fun of it Feel bad Feel bad The fucking Big stupid smile My forehawk just goes back to my bald spot.

[881] Yeah, perfect.

[882] It's a thing, you know, if you have a good shaped head, it's a lot easier.

[883] I have a friend who has a flat head.

[884] I have a friend who's the back of his head is totally flat.

[885] Well, mine's the opposite.

[886] I wish I had a trade.

[887] It's got extra brain back there.

[888] Yeah, it's aliens.

[889] It's a big long ones.

[890] Like, they do that with planks.

[891] They squeeze people's heads.

[892] But, like, I think it might take men longer.

[893] to realize it doesn't fucking matter what you look like if you have a personality.

[894] Well, it definitely matters what you look like, but it doesn't matter enough for you to be spending all your time thinking about it.

[895] And there's other things to think about.

[896] Like, your personality is the most important thing.

[897] Like, it's everything.

[898] If you don't have that, yeah, you don't have anything.

[899] But we could list all the people that should never have gotten late in their life.

[900] Ever, yes.

[901] But they're fucking cool.

[902] or they can play music or whatever.

[903] Yeah, they got some talent.

[904] The looks are the last thing.

[905] I knew a guy was in a band, and he was not a good -looking guy, and he had terrible genetics, just one of those guys.

[906] And he had this smoking hot girlfriend, and she just ran the show.

[907] She just ran the show.

[908] He's this, like, feeble fellow, and just wasn't, like, good with confrontation.

[909] and he wasn't a gigantically successful but he was successful enough that he was starting to get to him it was a little pressure and then he was always like checking in on this super hot girlfriend making you okay you need anything you need like there was like she was like she was like his handler no I haven't been that guy except that one relationship with that 25 year old woman I didn't mean an interview no it's okay it's okay it's okay but it was weird to watch it was like like a predator wasp had taken over a bumblebee and just controlling the bumblebee be like, and the bee's like, what should I go?

[910] Where should I do?

[911] But that bumblebee had talent.

[912] That bumblebee could sing his ass off.

[913] So he'd be out and then get off stage immediately grab her and kiss her mouth kiss her in front of everybody.

[914] Like that was his thing.

[915] You know, like wanted everybody to know.

[916] Yeah.

[917] It's, um, the dynamics, like power dynamics like that are very weird.

[918] I have a, I have some questions I wrote on the road.

[919] That's why I was so fucking jacked coming in here after three days of driving is all of those thoughts about okay oh i could talk to him about this and i and then oh i'm going there i can't remember three days of thoughts i'm gonna get to belch them all out like a breach birth fucking abortion all in the first 30 minutes and have nothing to say douglas will always have something to say it went to nowhere because i don't know enough references of new comics or new hot i was going to do the power dynamic game i'll save this for christier because he loves games Does he?

[920] Yeah, like, we always would, like, okay, we're going to do top three comics that you could tour with if you wanted to tour.

[921] And, like, okay, I picked Chappelle and I go Bamford.

[922] You're like, fuck, I should have picked Bamford back and forth.

[923] But it was the power dynamic game where if there were two, like, equal parties and they had a relationship, let's just the easy Chrysier -Sigura, let's say they were.

[924] in a gay relationship and one of them wanted to say the other one took advantage of me because of their power dynamic but you have to make it difficult like okay who does have you just had moshi and uh natasha yeah i don't know either of them you know well enough like who would have the power dynamic that they could claim he took advantage of me i don't think they do have i don't think either one of them have it i think that's one of the reasons why they work so well.

[925] I think they're both really funny.

[926] That's why it's a game.

[927] We started this with, who would you rather day drink with?

[928] Bukowski or Hunter S. Thompson?

[929] Hunter all day.

[930] See, day drink is a different thing, Joe.

[931] Day drink means you're just sullen at a fucking, you know, the lights coming through the tavern door.

[932] Hunter would be way too fucking ecstatic to go shoot things.

[933] He's a night drunk.

[934] I think Bukowski.

[935] But the power dynamic game, I gave up on because I don't know enough of the fucking...

[936] I would take either.

[937] I would be super excited to drink with Bukowski.

[938] Don't get me wrong.

[939] But when it comes to like a fan of the work...

[940] We stop playing that game, by the way, when no one could top Bill Murray.

[941] Oh, yeah, he's the best, right?

[942] You'd want to hang out with him.

[943] Yes.

[944] Number one.

[945] Bucket list.

[946] Bill Murray would be number one.

[947] Yeah.

[948] But, you know, that's over people.

[949] Yeah, I guess so.

[950] I'm going to my notes.

[951] Yeah.

[952] two other things Bukowski would be great to hang with no doubt don't get me wrong one of the things that I love about Bukkowski more than anything is that he was in the post office till he was like in his 40s I used to use him as a negative inspiration in my 30s where I'd like be lazy and I go ah fuck it Bukowski didn't write shit till he was like 43 years old so I would use that as negative inspiration for why I can not work because now I'm 53 well there's like you get a different you get a different product right it's like you could cook a steak and you could sear it for like five minutes on each side or you could cook a brisket and it takes 18 hours like they're very different things yeah like you could do it both ways you could start off and be like gung ho out of the gate when you're 21 years old or you could be a fucking bukowski but you don't get a bukowski if you're gung ho out of the gate when you're 21 years old.

[953] You get a Bikowsky after the work, after like struggling at a job.

[954] But I would just focus on his age going, okay, I don't have to do anything until then.

[955] All right, here's the, uh, this, uh, you have to understand.

[956] You have to drive from Tucson.

[957] Yeah.

[958] Where you get to Van Horn and go, should I take the scenic route through Marfa and Alpine or should I go right to Fort Stockton and check into a fucking horrible hotel that I'm terrified to go in with a pink Mohawk in West Texas and do I wear a mask?

[959] Are they going to mock me for wearing a mask?

[960] Yeah, you should have a mothawk up with a hat.

[961] Motel Kitzmiller in fucking Fredericksburg.

[962] I have to give a shout out to them because I was a place I don't know if this is a sketchy motel or if it's retro and I go you know, fucking Texas is a scary place.

[963] don't know where you are and I this guy before I could hand him my ID he said just want you to know I'm a big fan and I'm like oh thank God because I didn't know if I was going to get fucking murdered that's hilarious uh so Texas has got a lot of open space that's the weird part about it like you feel like you don't you could drive for days it just it feels like that there's some spots where you're like wow there's like nothing out here there's a long road where there's not a lot out there and you get this weird feeling of like man if i just vanished how long would it take for they found me yeah this is uh well if if you don't know you have seen no country for old men yes that's west texas yes so so i was thinking perfect jo rogan do you think at your best moment a better host or a better guest like it would um are you giving me the booger sign no no scratch my house.

[964] Oh, good.

[965] I don't, um, I don't know.

[966] Okay, well, the, the question evolved as the miles went by to, if this, uh, if you were on, uh, the Howard Stern show, one shot only, would you be a better Howard's, of the five places on the Howard Stern show, where would your personality best fit in?

[967] As the host, the guest, the R .D chair, the Fred chair, we all know.

[968] that's Greg Chaley's chair.

[969] I thought I would be the best Robin Quivers.

[970] Would you be the best guest for one episode or the best host?

[971] Because you kind of do both here.

[972] His show is so different, though.

[973] His show's so different than any other show.

[974] He's way away from everybody and he's up in that podium.

[975] It's like an interview.

[976] He's doing an interview.

[977] I'm saying, there's two open spots on the Howard Stern show that we have to fill in for.

[978] Take the artie chair.

[979] I did that a few times, you know.

[980] So did I. Yeah, I did it back after Jackie left.

[981] That was, to me, that was like when Jackie left the Howard Stern Show was like, what?

[982] Yeah, I sat in auditioning for the artie chair, knowing that even if I gut it, it would be a coin flip, or it would be a hard decision if they offered me the job, would I live in New York City to take that job?

[983] Yeah, I've never been really interested in living in New York.

[984] Fuck, no. No. I think New York is good for two things It's good for doing short comedy sets And it's good for playing pool There's a lot of pool halls in New York City You get to hop around Go to good places and find good players You're a shark I'm not a shark I'm terrible I'm terrible now man I played last night It was embarrassing I just don't have a table here So I'm yeah I could never play on a Legit big table Bar tables Quarter tables Those are fun On acid I had my best pool games ever makes sense you more in tune with what's going on yeah all right that was the dumb question the guys who used to gamble a lot used to take uh i guess i think they called them black beauties i believe make look up what would speed yeah yeah okay some kind of infatomines and they would gamble for like 16 17 hours in a row and they would uh all do like the best pool players from the day in the 70s were all speed freaks and there was one of them the guys named buddy hall buddy hall wrote a book it's a it's a it's a crazy book because it's so obviously it's him and his friend Woody they wrote like Woody like wrote it down and it's I have a copy of it it's a rare book like you have to buy a used copy of it and this book is basically about his gambling days when he's this young kid in Kentucky they called him the Rifle Man and he would just get fired up on speed and play people like $10 ,000 and fucking just never miss. He was like this legendary guy like Buddy Hall like one of the best pool players of all time but like in his day it wasn't just that he was a great pool player he's a gambler and like a stone cold killer like you would bring in guys from the Philippines and they would have fucking backers and piles of cash it's like every which way but loose but it was legit and they would go to play the rifle man yeah they would bring him for big money games and he just would hold up he would win he would beat everybody and he was doing it a lot of these games these guys were all speeded up And apparently, I've never done amphetamines like that, but if they say that when you're, you're playing pool and you're on speed, not only can you stay awake, but you see things like super sharp and clear.

[985] You see the angles.

[986] It's like it's all mapped out for you.

[987] Yeah.

[988] Acid.

[989] This was a come down of acid, which is different than peaking where the felt wasn't breathing.

[990] This is when you're coming down.

[991] You've got to see what this dude looks like.

[992] Pull up a photo of Buddy Hall from the 1970s.

[993] That's what you want to see.

[994] You want to see Bell Bottom Buddy Hall when he was real thin.

[995] Because he got real big as he got older, when he got off the speed.

[996] But, you know, they all did it.

[997] They all, that was the thing that players all did.

[998] And he talked about it in his book.

[999] And they've talked about it in other books, too, that would talk about pool.

[1000] These guys that would gamble for hours and hours at a time, they would all do it on speed.

[1001] That's him.

[1002] That was in back in the day.

[1003] Go to that picture above it, though.

[1004] That was a little later in his life.

[1005] That one right there.

[1006] That one right there, too.

[1007] That's him when he's.

[1008] young, and that's Earl Strickland, who's another one of the greatest players of all time.

[1009] And that's probably from the early 80s, if I had a guess.

[1010] And that guy to the left, that one with no beard right there, the lower corner, the lower corner, that's Buddy Hall.

[1011] That's Buddy Hall when he was in his prime.

[1012] That's Buddy Hall when he was in his prime, and they would bring him around to places.

[1013] And, you know, guys would seek him out to play him.

[1014] But he did this for decades and decades.

[1015] Billiards is kind of like bowling, where if you get too good at it, it sucks.

[1016] Like, this guy's going to run the table or maybe miss one shot.

[1017] Sort of.

[1018] This guy's either going to get a strike or a spare.

[1019] Yeah, but bowling, you're seeing the same thing every time.

[1020] You're seeing variations once you want, knock one pin or another.

[1021] But it's basically like a break shot over and over and over again.

[1022] The complexity of pool is so much more interesting to me because there's so many options.

[1023] Every game is different.

[1024] And it's all about getting angles to.

[1025] Yeah, but it's like, if you know.

[1026] reason if you know the game and you're watching a guy like buddy hall play it's art form it's an art like he's he's known for being like this slow smooth player like he never does anything like erratic everything is perfect cue ball control it's just such so much precision that if you're a person who plays and you know how hard it is to do what he's doing it's an art form uh Tracy Tracey she is a hockey fanatic so when football would end and hockey would start.

[1027] It's just the same dudes that there's no football anymore.

[1028] And she'd put on hockey, I don't get it.

[1029] It's just really fast.

[1030] You think it's all luck.

[1031] And she would have to explain the rules.

[1032] Like it's a bunch of dudes that are sad without football.

[1033] And here's this chick that's like, no, well, this is what icing means and this is what off -sides is and this is high -stick.

[1034] And then I still never appreciated it until she made me watch the All -Star game where they do this skills competition and then it's like fucking Harlem globe trotters guys are bouncing dribbling a puck on top of their stick and then fucking whipping it under their legs and fucking hitting coffee cups out of fucking cutouts and like oh it's not all luck there is skill involved oh there's super skill hockey's fun to watch but if you don't know the skill a lot of that's wasted if you don't know the game a lot of that's wasted you know what they did with hockey that's really smart they put that circle over the puck so when you're watching it on TV that's that's like 15 fucking 20 years ago yeah but that's as many times as I watch hockey I know I just love it when you're as fucking dated as I am even though you're a kid did I tell you that I watched uh that I rather used to help train Bobby Orr I used to work at the Boston Athletic Club and when I was 19 I was teach people lift weights and stuff like that I was a trainer and I used to help Bobby Orr get on to the Versa climber because he had so many knee surgeries.

[1035] It was the craziest shit you've ever seen.

[1036] Like his knees, both sides of his knees were just covered in scars.

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] People have no idea what fucking athletes go through.

[1039] Why are they getting paid more than our teachers?

[1040] Because they fucking die early.

[1041] Yeah.

[1042] And his surgeries that he went through, I mean, we're talking a long -ass time ago when they opened you up like a fish and stitched shit together and it all blew apart.

[1043] They didn't know how to make it.

[1044] And he had a bite on a ruler.

[1045] Fuck, dude.

[1046] Sod your leg off.

[1047] Oh, wait, that's a civil war.

[1048] His leg, no, it was a little different than that.

[1049] His legs didn't, they don't extend.

[1050] They don't fully lock out.

[1051] They were always, like, partially bent, and there was a range of motion of just, like, a few degrees.

[1052] He couldn't, like, really get up onto the machine.

[1053] So you had to kind of help him.

[1054] Like, he had to put, like, one leg up, and then the other leg up.

[1055] The nice, couldn't be the nicer guy.

[1056] Super nice guy.

[1057] And you almost couldn't believe it was really Bobby Orr.

[1058] I remember I swore around him once.

[1059] Someone said something, and I was like, get the fuck.

[1060] out of here with that nonsense and then bob yore was like oh look at the language these kids today are using and i remember being so embarrassed like oh my god i swore around bobby or what a piece of shit i am uh that was back when i was convinced i was a piece of shit too can i go can i go back to my uh next question the first one you really want to go through those okay no no no no the next question was and i put this on twitter as a poll but i really thought it was an interesting question for you, would you rather be the first person to take an untested vaccine or the first person to ride in the backseat on the freeway of an driverless car?

[1061] Oh, I'll take the driverless car all day.

[1062] You'd be the first person to do that?

[1063] Well, an untested vaccine?

[1064] I don't want to be there to test it.

[1065] Untested, but it's an untested driverless car.

[1066] I understand that.

[1067] Would you be...

[1068] I would imagine the driverless car.

[1069] you're on the freeway more examination of the possibilities like they kind of like have the camera situation set up have you ever driven in a driverless car you've ever driven in a Tesla when it does it?

[1070] That's what made you think of this is you have a Tesla and I thought maybe one perk is maybe you give me a ride around the block You're hanging out with Berth Kreischer too much and you're trying to turn this into a fucking game show and I don't like it I don't like it Well then we could just skip it I don't know maybe I would do the car thing I wrote it down so I thought I'd say it I do the car thing Or if I was talking to the scientist that made the vaccine, if they had some reasonable explanation.

[1071] Thank you very much.

[1072] It would have to be like, you know, this is why we know this vaccine is safe.

[1073] We don't have to worry about it at all.

[1074] You can't pull your notes out.

[1075] I'm just kidding.

[1076] I can't even read them.

[1077] I don't have my readers on.

[1078] I use my readers.

[1079] Oh, no. What does you have?

[1080] I have mine right here.

[1081] Oh, I brought the orange tinted ones.

[1082] Those are fresh.

[1083] Well, they also hide the bags under your eyes a little bit, the same way I love the mask, because I have crow's feet.

[1084] When I wear the mask in a supermarket, crow's feet let people know that I'm smiling without having to see my ugly yellow teeth and I use these and I brought them forgetting oh it's been a year this isn't Zoom I don't need read glasses we need what we need is like a we need a a thing on your mask where you can hit a button and it makes like a Cheshire cat grin like it pops up in LEDs I did I did buy a bunch of this stupid like novelty masks yeah where I have a beard and a stupid missing tooth or whatever i didn't even go to a fucking uh do want me to read those no i'm just seeing if any of them are any good but you do this thing yeah this dredge yeah that's a fucking uh that's a pod oh uh in bisby yeah michael bean lives there now who's michael bean exactly you know who he is uh he was uh i can never remember he was the original the guy in the first Terminator that comes back He's in the Abyss He's in Aliens 2 I think he was in the second Terminator right He was in the No he's the First Terminator Second Aliens Oh And the abyss Where he swears I wasn't a bad guy in that Now you kind of Were Everyone sees you like that Yeah So we're gonna Start a podcast You and I do I'll tell you The premise Afterwards Let's go back To you We were We were talking About this Before you Left a P Whether you Would hang out With Bucoski or Hunter S. Thompson.

[1085] Both would be great.

[1086] It'd be a different thing.

[1087] But day drinking is a, as a veteran drunk, there's a, there is a difference between day drinking where today I'm day drinking.

[1088] Right.

[1089] I don't want to go fucking do shit with you.

[1090] I don't want to go, you know.

[1091] Yeah.

[1092] You just want to go out with Hunter and fucking blow shit up.

[1093] That's a nighttime thing.

[1094] I don't think he always did that, though.

[1095] If you look at his whatever routine that they do.

[1096] documented that was famous for being a ridiculous list that you could read online of all the different shit that he did during the day and then who turned that into a song fitzsimmons and i were reading the list and yeah um as he looks that up i'll see mostly because i'll go back to the howard stern thing would you fire jamie to get fred norris no i'm being silly um and it's going to get worse as I drink and turn into Hunteress he was mostly what he was um coke and drinking all day long like he just hung out did coke and drank and then wait until like six o 'clock in the afternoon then he would start writing you've never done coke no like the last thing you want with a day drinker is someone who talks a lot you fucking slouch with your seahorse posture and you look at the other guy and you go this thing on TV fuck these people That would be Bukowski.

[1097] Okay, I could tolerate that.

[1098] But if I waited until 9 o 'clock to drink, oh, okay, Hunter S is going to fucking light this shit up.

[1099] I wonder what he really was doing during the days.

[1100] I mean, how much of it is just folklore and mythology?

[1101] Because it's fun.

[1102] It's a fun mythology.

[1103] I remember reading Stedman's biography of life with Hunter S. Mm -hmm.

[1104] What did he say?

[1105] He kind of confirmed a lot of the shit.

[1106] That he really did live like that?

[1107] Yeah, and it was not necessarily.

[1108] a positive.

[1109] No. You brought this up earlier about comedians.

[1110] Yeah.

[1111] I don't have that constitution.

[1112] Like, I'm a one drunk, like, everything I do in my career, if it's a show, that's why I only do one show a night.

[1113] Because I drink the perfect amount to have a confident show.

[1114] You do a million things a day.

[1115] imagine if you had to blow a load for all of your projects okay I'm going to do two podcasts then I'm going to go do fucking 30 minutes at the comedy store and then I'm going to fly to but imagine if you had to fucking actually ejaculate at everything you do during a day I can I'm good for one load a day so I'm a one drunk a day person I'm not leaving here to go do sets at a place I forget my point as you stare at me awkwardly.

[1116] Just wait for you to finish.

[1117] I was waiting for you to say, yeah, I couldn't do that.

[1118] But the look you gave me, it was like, I could blow four loads a day.

[1119] No, that's, the last four would be sad.

[1120] Exactly.

[1121] The last three.

[1122] It's also like, there's a, there's an art form to doing less, you know?

[1123] Like, there's there's definitely something to be said for having less things that are, I would like a I would like to live multiple lives simultaneously.

[1124] So I could just pursue my individual interests in each one of those lives and just singularly you know not think about business stuff just think about one thing that i like to do or one thing and just live like that because there's a real uh it's a really attractive to me people that just get dedicated to whether it is it's painting or just making music whatever it's you got one thing that you're dedicated to i think that's something very interesting about that to me but i i i don't even have the attention span for a lap dance and can't remember the last time I was even in a titty bar, but someone would buy you a lap dance, like Don King.

[1125] I don't know if he's still around here.

[1126] The Titty Bar King of Austin.

[1127] He would, like, yeah, after your Austin show will bring you to the fucking yellow rose or he flip -flopped between the titty bars.

[1128] I'll buy you a lap dance.

[1129] I don't have the attention span.

[1130] Like, I don't know how to react to the girl.

[1131] I'm too old to go, ooh, like, you're so hot.

[1132] I'm looking at the other dancers, and that's in a three -minute it's song.

[1133] So your attention span.

[1134] I don't know how you're so well adjusted to, I mean, you do drink.

[1135] You fucking smoke weed all the time and you still persevere professionally.

[1136] You're baffling to me. Yeah, I just do what I do.

[1137] I don't know.

[1138] It doesn't seem that hard to me. I know people that do really hard things.

[1139] So it's not that hard in comparison.

[1140] It's also baffling to me. Yeah.

[1141] You told me I was fucking Before you even moved here You said I am moving to Austin If I fly you out Will you do my podcast And I said No but I'll drive out You go you drive that far You're fucking crazy I don't think I said it like that Yeah you did It made I know because it made me feel powerful Like oh Joe Rogan wouldn't drive Fucking I would drive that It's boring I find it boring I don't like to be in a car for 16 hours Yeah, it's my special place.

[1142] But I get it.

[1143] I get it.

[1144] I get it that it's a lot of people enjoy it, man. They like long road trips and listening to books on tape and chilling and just thinking.

[1145] A lot of people really enjoy it.

[1146] Again, west of the 35 corridor.

[1147] You get me fucking.

[1148] I went through Fredericksburg on the 290.

[1149] I went that way because I have a growing vertigo problem behind the wheel.

[1150] and what do they call them like clover leaves or the connectors oh those things freak you out like to a point where my arms well you know when you lift a weight you would know you lift a weight to a point where like if you pick up a coffee cup afterwards you don't know if you're going to smash it or drop it I get like that with vertigo where I go I can't really yeah what does it do to you like other than shake make you shake what is it what's going on in your head when you it's uh again i don't understand cause and effect i don't know what's creating that fear but i i'm my lucid dreaming has become so where i i you know that feeling where in a dream where you're in a high precipice and you think you're going to fall right now in a dream i can jump off of it i know oh i'm in a dream i can fucking I'll be jumping.

[1151] I'm going to float or fly or sink slowly and safely to the ground.

[1152] I get the same feeling in real life on a high.

[1153] We were crossing the Mississippi once and I was behind the wheel and I started to have this panic attack and fucking Chaley's editing in the passenger seat and I'm like, take the wheel.

[1154] Take the wheel.

[1155] I'm freaking out a bit.

[1156] So now I need to be a fucking regular dosage of Xanax.

[1157] Hold on.

[1158] Before you get into that, let me take you back to the lucid dreaming thing.

[1159] Like, when did that start?

[1160] Over the years.

[1161] I fucking sleep.

[1162] Well, no, over many years.

[1163] How many years?

[1164] It's getting better all the time.

[1165] You're better at lucid dreaming than you were before.

[1166] Was it a...

[1167] I had to come out this morning.

[1168] I took a Cerequil, which I try not to take.

[1169] What's that?

[1170] It's a very powerful, anti -psychotic that it's probably bad for your liver.

[1171] Why are you taking an anti -psychotic?

[1172] Because I fucking sleep.

[1173] I can sleep like 14 hours.

[1174] I'll get up to piss.

[1175] Go like lucidly out of the dream, remembering the dream, and go back, hang on, I have to piss.

[1176] Just like I pissed here on the podcast, I can get up out of a dream, say, please hold dream, piss.

[1177] lucidly.

[1178] I'm not in a closet like Sean Rouse.

[1179] So Sarah Phil does that for you?

[1180] Yeah.

[1181] And that's why I use it very sparingly.

[1182] Jesus Christ, that sounds amazing.

[1183] It's fucking the best.

[1184] What else does it do, though?

[1185] What's the bad parts?

[1186] The problem is you cannot share dreams with people.

[1187] I know it's a hack premise, but where I woke up this morning, I went to bed after fucking Red Band finally called me and told me, oh, yeah, I probably to Joe Rogan to finally respond to you what time am I going to be?

[1188] I didn't know what time I'm supposed to be here.

[1189] He told me the address.

[1190] I think you were texting the wrong number.

[1191] No. I'm pretty sure.

[1192] Fuck.

[1193] No, no, myth me. Do you want to, uh, if you want to put a half a million dollar bet, I'll use your half million as a down payment on that fucking comedian grove.

[1194] It's a comedian grove.

[1195] I'll show you the texts.

[1196] We were just saying something though.

[1197] Yeah, about lucid dreaming.

[1198] Lucid dreams.

[1199] So, So I was in such a state when I woke up this morning from dreams where, you know the dream where you wake up and go, oh, fucking thank God, everything was going.

[1200] Right, but this is what I want to know.

[1201] Did the lucid dreams start independently of the cerical stuff?

[1202] Oh, they start with it.

[1203] Yeah, I know since I was a kid.

[1204] Oh, you've always had lucid dreams.

[1205] I remember when I was probably an early teenager the first time that I could correlate that stomach drop feeling of when you're about to fall off of something, but you could fly.

[1206] Do you have flying dreams?

[1207] Sometimes.

[1208] Yeah.

[1209] But those have grown where, okay, now I can fly.

[1210] Now I know I'm in a dream.

[1211] I can kind of control it.

[1212] I know what's going on and I can wake up and piss and go back to bed and get right back into the same dream.

[1213] Did you read books about this?

[1214] Is this something that you just figured out as you were doing it as you were having these lucid dreams?

[1215] Yeah, but the same problem that everyone who has dreams, you can't quite remember it.

[1216] but the feeling, the stomach drop feeling, oh, I'm floating, things that connect your brain back to, okay, I know I'm in a dream, but I'm not going to wake up.

[1217] Let's fuck with this.

[1218] But you, so you got better over the years just by having lucid dreams over and over again and realizing what's the thing that you do that gets you out of the dream.

[1219] Don't do that and just figure out what to do to stay in that state.

[1220] Sometimes you wake up or sometimes you're only alerted to the fact that you're dreaming because you had bat, bab, bat, oh, I get a text message.

[1221] Okay, reality's on the outside.

[1222] It's fucking me up.

[1223] Shut off your phone before you go to bed.

[1224] But the Syracule is more extreme.

[1225] It's bigger than...

[1226] It makes you sleep longer?

[1227] I don't know.

[1228] I don't know the science behind it.

[1229] But is there's a Syracule making you have more lucid dreams or better control of your lucid dreams?

[1230] It's making me sleep longer and making me more aware that I'm in a dream.

[1231] I don't know.

[1232] I just, I know Syracquil dreams.

[1233] I fucking lived an entire, these altered states where I woke up and I'm like, is there still a receipt in my pocket from that dream that I can prove there's two different worlds?

[1234] It was that fucked up, but you can't explain that to people.

[1235] I wanted to call anyone.

[1236] I woke up and I was just a dream.

[1237] There's a movie about recording dreams that was pretty fucking good.

[1238] that i saw the other night i think it's called come true and it's about apparently there is some technology that they're working on right now where they can record certain aspects of your thoughts like if you're thinking about a triangle it'll show an image of a triangle and they think read something about yeah they think they're going to get to the point where they're going to be able to get at least some sort of a reasonable facsimile of the visuals that you're having in your dreams Oh, my God.

[1239] Wouldn't that fuck with cancel culture?

[1240] Yeah.

[1241] If you could go, oh, hey, what were you thinking about when you heard this?

[1242] Yeah.

[1243] Well, that's what's really going to fuck cancel culture is when we get mind reading software.

[1244] When we get Neurilink and mind reading software and people are going to recognize intent.

[1245] That's going to be a thing.

[1246] Whether it's 50 years from now or 100 years from now, they're going to be able to figure out when you're just being a cunt.

[1247] When you're really trying to change the world and make it for the better, or whether you want people to think better of you.

[1248] And in the meantime, all it takes is a few dedicated PIs to follow around what's that cunt from fucking TMZ, the guy that, yeah.

[1249] Until you can read his thoughts, go through his trash, fucking follow him like Scientologists do and find out what dirt do we have on you?

[1250] Hey, I'm canceling TMZ because they went through my trash and found a few text messages that were printed.

[1251] All right.

[1252] I know what you're saying.

[1253] We're going to be able to read each other's intentions for sure.

[1254] Maybe not within our lifetime, but in time.

[1255] They're getting closer and closer to figuring out what's going on in your head during all sorts of different things during anger, during passion, during love, during hate, during jealousy.

[1256] Intent is everything.

[1257] They're going to be able to, well, that's the thing.

[1258] It's going to kill comedy, you know.

[1259] My reading software is going to destroy comedy.

[1260] all that mind reading software it would save me if I were even cancelable yeah my intent is always well sometimes but in my comedy my intent is always positive and I sleep good at night knowing that yeah your intent is always positive and to get laughs and this is the weird thing about cancel culture and comedy is that they exist they exist simultaneously at the same time.

[1261] Like comedy is like the things you're saying inappropriate things most of the time.

[1262] Things that would get you fired from almost every other occupation and it's part of the occupation.

[1263] But how did they figure out how to split comedy into wings?

[1264] Like if there were as many genres, genres of how they, there's like 18 kind of gender slash sexualities now but if you're you're only two wings like oh he's left wing he's right wing so stupid like fucking legions of skanks is this right wing culture well no I'm not a wing I've never been political I'm pragmatic and fucking opinions about stuff and we both agree that we don't know shit about what we're talking about half the time I'm all over the place with my leanings.

[1265] Unless I take a 22 -second clip and make it viral, then you're a fucking...

[1266] Then I'm a right -wing lunatic.

[1267] I was fixating on you this morning where...

[1268] Sorry, go ahead.

[1269] No, go ahead.

[1270] Like, when I see comics that I know and respect, and when I say I know them, comedians pretty much know each other.

[1271] I don't know them personally.

[1272] But when they take pot shots at you, on fucking Twitter, usually comics, like when Dane Cook, well, people are jealous of my fame.

[1273] People are jealous of a dollar amount that you made on fucking Spotify.

[1274] I think most of those comics are considering if I had this reach, if I could influence people, I would do it different than what Joe Rogan's doing.

[1275] And they think you're different.

[1276] No, you're just the fucking dumbered like me that has a podcast that somehow went fucking huge with due respect to your effort.

[1277] But you're not trying to influence, you're doing nothing different than you were doing 10 years ago when you started this.

[1278] The idea is that since you influence people, you should change what you're doing.

[1279] Because what you're doing is influential.

[1280] I think a lot of comics say, well, if I had that much at reach, I would steer people in a different direction.

[1281] For sure, there's jealousy involved.

[1282] There's always jealousy involved with comedians.

[1283] So many comedians are narcissists that anytime anyone's doing well, they get upset.

[1284] I experienced it personally myself.

[1285] I used to feel that way when I was younger.

[1286] I've talked about it openly.

[1287] I would see people being successful and I would want them to fail because it would make me feel better.

[1288] I'd want them to...

[1289] But I don't think that's the case with you.

[1290] But there's a part of it.

[1291] There's a part of it when people are successful.

[1292] Other people want to shit on them.

[1293] There's also a thing where the idea that you have a certain amount of reach and because of that reach, you have a certain amount of responsibility.

[1294] You have a responsibility to be yourself.

[1295] The problem is, you only lean into that responsibility and you think of it as this thing that you must do because you have a civic duty to spread this kind of information or that kind of information, then you can't be yourself anymore.

[1296] Then you can't just be, whoever the fuck you are.

[1297] You just, you have to be this thing that they think is like more acceptable.

[1298] And I think that's nonsense.

[1299] That's nonsense.

[1300] I think you just stopped yourself from saying retarded.

[1301] I was thinking of a better word.

[1302] Exactly.

[1303] Retarded of, I'm not against saying it.

[1304] It's not the right word at the time.

[1305] It's like there's an inclination to tell other people what they shouldn't, shouldn't do.

[1306] And I think it's part of the problem with social media is that you can impact people.

[1307] You can get people to say things and not say things.

[1308] You can't.

[1309] You can't.

[1310] You can get regular people to put their fucking gender pronouns on their bio.

[1311] Like regular folks that you've known forever, the normal, and all of a sudden it says he, him.

[1312] Like, really, Bob?

[1313] He, him?

[1314] Like, no one knows?

[1315] Like, what kind of game are we playing?

[1316] There's an argument for that?

[1317] That you don't want to be the old guy that's saying the fucking...

[1318] Yeah, you don't want to be Archie Bunker.

[1319] Exactly.

[1320] There is, but there's also a forced compliance to this culture.

[1321] That's the problem with it.

[1322] It's a bunch of assholes that are trying to tell other people what to do because they get a kick out of it.

[1323] It's just like the same people that want to yell at you when you're across the street to put your mask on.

[1324] they're like listen it does nothing to do with you like just stop there's too much of this going on there's too much of people wanting to tell people what to do you know and because of social media they have this ability to interact with people and one of the things that people like to do is they like telling people what to do they like criticizing people they're like shitting on them they like being mean it's uh it's just a weird thing it's part of uh part of human nature yeah and it's rapid cycling to the point where you you can't really keep up yeah yeah just don't keep up just to be yourself you know bill burr had a great response to uh this kind of shit on um bill marshall it was like like cool 200 fucking people on twitter he's like i don't read that i'm not listening to that or talking about you know like people getting upset at his bits and stuff like that yeah you did that to me when you moved here i go if i was a a new comic you are the equivalent to carson right now where you have that much reach if i were a new comic and i was doing the Joe Rogan show, I would be nervous for every other reason than I was nervous today, which is, I haven't been out in the real world in a year.

[1325] Right.

[1326] Like, if I was a new comic, I'd be shitting my pants, but it's that frog in boiling water kind of, yeah, yeah, I'm doing Rogan, like your nurse here that gave me this swab to make sure that I'm fucking cancer free or whatever.

[1327] COVID for, yeah, she's like, what are you here to talk about?

[1328] I go, you don't talk to Rogan about stuff.

[1329] Rogan talks to you and you answer and you fucking wait your turn.

[1330] Yeah, I'll have to tell her stop doing that.

[1331] I want a pre -interview.

[1332] Oh, she was making light.

[1333] Yeah, but that's a problem.

[1334] If you start thinking about what you're actually going to say.

[1335] Oh, I've been doing that said Sunday, you fucking asshole.

[1336] That poor prick at the, the guy that said I'm a big fan at the fucking motel Kitsmiller in Fredericksburg.

[1337] That you were worried he was going to kill you.

[1338] I'm a big fan I want to talk to him about all the things I've been thinking for 650 miles I ask Hey if you want a cocktail I'm making cocktails in room eight Did you say that to him?

[1339] Yes I did Wow I said And that's when I called Chaley And I go Let me do a Zoom podcast right now Because my head is so fertile And Chaley said three words For an hour and 12 minutes While I just spouted off A million things I've been thinking on the road but you have to understand in a year I probably wrote down seven or eight premises in a notebook in a year because I don't fucking comedy for me that's why I was not engaged I did not like enter into any Twitter battles with anyone about anything that's going on or fucking can't because if I don't have a stage to perform it on it's it's useless information It's just going to make me pent up and angry.

[1340] Yeah, but you do it on the podcast, though.

[1341] You do talk about stuff on your podcast.

[1342] I'm talking to people who also don't give a fuck.

[1343] Like, like, what do you mean?

[1344] Like, Chaley and Chad Shank, we're just sitting around for a year.

[1345] They don't give a fuck?

[1346] What do you mean?

[1347] About the outside world.

[1348] Oh, okay.

[1349] Like, the outside world is for business purposes only.

[1350] If I have an opinion about something that really doesn't affect my day to day, why get angry about something I'm just going to yell at my wife about it?

[1351] So the inside world is Bisbee and the outside world is just for business purposes.

[1352] So you have home base.

[1353] That's a good way to handle it.

[1354] Home base.

[1355] I don't, I'm not having this argument at Safeway.

[1356] By the way, I don't know where the camera is.

[1357] I brought signature brand Cola, Safeway.

[1358] If you want to shop for groceries, go to Safeway, buy off brand.

[1359] I don't have any sponsors.

[1360] Is it just as good?

[1361] I don't fucking know.

[1362] I just mix it with whiskey.

[1363] I'm looking for a whiskey sponsor that says, our whiskey's so good, you don't need Safeway brand off -brand cola.

[1364] Maybe you should catch up with drinking.

[1365] I don't think they're going to...

[1366] I don't think they're going to approve that for a marketing campaign.

[1367] Yeah, safely.

[1368] I would have loved to have gotten a hold of that, I was going to say, the Coca -Cola that used to have cocaine in it.

[1369] That stuff must have been amazing.

[1370] Imagine what it was like back down and people didn't know that, like, getting cooked up all the time was bad for you?

[1371] I bet that pass.

[1372] I bet he does.

[1373] My God, I bet he's got, like, a wine cellar of it.

[1374] But it seems like a kind of thing that would, I wonder what culture was like back then when a lot of people were doing Coke.

[1375] It's probably really weird, right?

[1376] Did you ever see Ollie Joe Prater?

[1377] I never saw him live.

[1378] I just, there's a six -episode 10 -minute series, 10 -minute YouTube segments.

[1379] Sam Talent's the one that hit me to that The guy that wrote that book Running the Light And he's just this coke head He's only like five foot one And he's doing like really But he's like five foot one wide too He's like Yeah, it was 300 and something pounds He uh there's a there was always a photo of him At the store of him climbing out of the limo He was like climbing out of the comedy store limo And he's like literally like You can't even imagine he can get through the doorway And he's holding the door open He's got like a big smile on his face The urban legend that I had attributed to John Fox, who was kind of his predecessor of don't eat the mayonnaise in the condo where his nose starts fucking dripping blood during a set, spilling onto his shirt, and the audience is aghast and he doesn't know why, and he keeps plowing through his just 80s, cocaine comedy, which was edgy at the time, and then he realizes what happens and he looks at himself and he He looks at the blood on his fingers and goes, what, nobody parties anymore?

[1380] John Fox was a hard party, I forgot about that guy.

[1381] Oh, he was the worst.

[1382] He was the guy that did the same act for fucking, like, 40 years.

[1383] Archibald Barrasol, two firemen are butt fucking in a smoke -filled room.

[1384] Chief walks in and goes, how'd this shit get started?

[1385] No, give him mouth to mouth.

[1386] He goes, how do you think this shit got started?

[1387] But I worked with him once when I was a kid in Reno, and I said, and I said, didn't you have the nose bleed?

[1388] He goes, that's Ollie Joe Prater.

[1389] Why are you fucking putting that shit on me?

[1390] I'm like, you kind of fit the bill.

[1391] And when I did Bill Burr's podcast once, coked out of my head after partying with Manson, he goes, yeah, you're like the new John Fox where you don't.

[1392] I go, I have that reputation.

[1393] am I the new John Fox still kills me no you you turn over material much quicker I get sick of it way quicker I never saw that I think I've only seen him live once or twice I saw him at the laugh actor I believe John Fox yeah there's those guys that do that road that road man especially during the 80s like those guys they had that was like the first road I think like legitimately the road popped up during the comedy boom in the early 80s, because that's when clubs started showing up all over the place and that was like the oversaturation of stand -up.

[1394] What year did you start, 89?

[1395] 90.

[1396] 90.

[1397] In 84, apparently, was like the roaring heyday of Boston, and there was all these clubs around Boston, but it's also when I think they started popping up all around the country.

[1398] Like, the comedy club world is a pretty recent world.

[1399] Well, there's the road, like, Kansas City, let's say.

[1400] St. Louis, Chicago.

[1401] But then the road I started was like triple gigs.

[1402] Billings, Montana, the smallest of towns where they have comedy.

[1403] But it was huge still.

[1404] Like a Tuesday night in Missoula was packed to the gills because there was no cell phone.

[1405] But you did those gigs at the same time where those comedy clubs existed in all these cities as well.

[1406] Hoping to get into one of those.

[1407] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1408] But my point is, before that time, those comedy clubs did not exist in those cities.

[1409] So if you went back to the 1970s, there was nothing.

[1410] Like, and if you go to the 1960s, these guys are doing variety shows, like the old Lenny Bruce tapes, where he would be a host of a variety show.

[1411] Would he bring up a band?

[1412] Yeah, it would be a dancer and a musician.

[1413] Berlisks, basically.

[1414] It was burlesque.

[1415] Latter -day Catskills.

[1416] Similar kind of stuff, you know?

[1417] So, like, those guys...

[1418] Vodgill, that's the word I was looking for.

[1419] Latter -day vaudeville.

[1420] so those guys like fox and all those road dogs like that was a new world that world was a new thing like it didn't exist before and you could do the same act over and over again for decades because nobody watched your show no youtube yeah and if you were a really good there was good road comics there was like comics that were like good solid comics that only did the road and you know they would go to a different town all the time and no one knew their act they'd never seen them on television they could crush four acts that you could watch four acts that you could watch for acts that you could watch for acts that you could watch watch the same set.

[1421] Like Junior Stopka comes to mind.

[1422] I'll bring Junior Stopka and yeah, no, play the hits.

[1423] Well, Brody was always, Brody.

[1424] We always used to yell out to Brody.

[1425] I heard you were a model.

[1426] He was like, I was a model in Serbia.

[1427] And he would do this.

[1428] I fought in the Iraq war.

[1429] I was an Iraqi soldier.

[1430] That's neither here nor there.

[1431] But like Heedberg, I, we went down to Heedberg.

[1432] in rabbit hole the other day just laughing our asses out.

[1433] For sure, him.

[1434] Well, you know, where I started out in Boston, that was what you would see these headliners do the same act over and over and over again.

[1435] They'd never, most of them didn't do television, or if they did, it was like little clips on evening at the improv, like a little quick 15 minutes or something like that.

[1436] But they all had murderous acts that you could watch over and over again.

[1437] Like, I could watch Steve Sweeney a hundred times in a row.

[1438] And it was the same act.

[1439] You didn't care.

[1440] Like you wanted to laugh at it.

[1441] Yeah.

[1442] Yeah.

[1443] It's like people would go to see him knowing he was going to do the same act.

[1444] But it was so good.

[1445] I remember, I don't know if you knew me when I did the jizz in the face thing.

[1446] Oh yeah.

[1447] Yeah.

[1448] When I finally stopped doing that, people are you didn't do the jizz in the face.

[1449] But that's when I was starting to get a voice.

[1450] Yeah.

[1451] Yeah.

[1452] I don't, I don't even know if my voice is my own anymore.

[1453] Like I've, like when I've written books and I go, mimicking a writer I think I'm mimicking being a comic to this day I I saw what one was I mimicked it poorly until I got to a place where I could mimic my own voice but I don't know if I've ever had like we know real funny people yeah that you want it Joey Diaz obviously but dude I think you've got a thing I think you got imposter syndrome I think it's a lot of great artists have it and what it is is like what it's what's one of the things it keeps you good because one of the things that that fucks you is if you start taking yourself really seriously and you think your work is important or you think your work is great I went through that anybody can go through that and that fucks you harder than anything in this goddamn business and so one of the best ways to avoid that was always think you're a fraud it's like so your brain's protecting you that's imposter syndrome and it usually means you're conscientious Dave Attell is definitely the worst out yeah because he hates himself he's so meticulous about, I don't want that out there.

[1454] It's not as funny as to have that.

[1455] Right.

[1456] He's a legitimately funny guy and his, that self -hatred keeps him producing.

[1457] Yes.

[1458] Which is the, which is attractive.

[1459] Yeah.

[1460] The opposite is very unattractive.

[1461] When you see someone, like, the opposite is someone who has an inflated sense of their, their, their ability, and then they're not really that good.

[1462] That's the opposite, right?

[1463] That's, that's so unattractive.

[1464] Whereas the tell things you're like Jesus Christ dude you're one of the best comics that's ever lived how could you not but you go okay I won't release that special because it's so much funnier again the opposite is the people you know the cliche with Joey and there's other people I could name that I can't think of where he could read a phone book and it would be funny right if you and I read a phone book at best you'd memorize the phone numbers Yeah, it wouldn't be that funny.

[1465] We're writers.

[1466] I won't put you in this.

[1467] I'm a writer that makes it sound like it's off the top of my head.

[1468] Yeah.

[1469] I mean, I think we all are in a way.

[1470] Every comic, I mean, when you're saying, like, you're a writer imitating a writer.

[1471] But you know, like, when Hunter S. Thompson used to write, one of the things he did when he was younger, he'd write the Great Gatsby over and over and over again.

[1472] He just write it out, word for word, just to get an understanding of the beats and the way, you know, F. Scott, Gerald, right?

[1473] Who wrote that?

[1474] The way he would write out the prose and that's how he learned how to do it.

[1475] And we all learned how to do comedy by watching other comedians and you learn how to write by reading other writers.

[1476] I purposely tried to not sound like dice clay when I started open mics.

[1477] And then that's why I think I had that weird affectation.

[1478] Don't fucking put it up, Jamie.

[1479] But there's me six months into comedy that's on YouTube.

[1480] Oh boy.

[1481] And I'm like, even my first evening at the improv, which is like a year into comedy when they had a fallout.

[1482] I talk fucking weird.

[1483] I have no idea what I...

[1484] But I remember I don't want to sound like Dice Clay because he's the reason I got into comedy.

[1485] Is it weird when you hang out with that guy?

[1486] Is it weird you out still?

[1487] Who, Dice Clay?

[1488] No, I've only met him like two times.

[1489] Oh, really?

[1490] You've never hung out with him at the store?

[1491] The fuck no. Oh, no. I'd love to have you hang out with him.

[1492] He followed me at the store in the OR when I just got past, and he went, Nice try.

[1493] Like, I was trying to be him.

[1494] And that's long after I was out of my, like, don't be dice clay phase.

[1495] And the second time was on Opie and Anthony, where he came in and fucking, like, no one in my career has had that presence of a Kinnison or Dice where he just came in and took over the fucking room.

[1496] like literally and they're like dice is going to smoke he walked in and lit up a cigarette long after it's completely illegal to smoke anywhere in the fucking world except in a field and they're like dice is going to smoke we're going to get in trouble and he's like fucking you you're funny I saw you special and then I started to tell him about how he was the influence he goes I already told you you're funny you can stop talking now like just this like that old fucking late 80s vibe of fuck everything I'm gonna come in here Kinnison who coked up on Stern like no one has that ever since no no he was a different thing he's a he's a fun guy to hang around with too like Dice is a fun guy to be around like when you're hanging around with him at the store he's very friendly to comics like when I was when I was an open micer in Vegas he came and he's playing some show and we're drunk after an open mic and we go oh dice is at this whatever casino and we went in and he was in a lounge area of VIP with his bodyguards and I go I'm gonna give one of these my jokes to Andrew Dice Clay and I walked up and I'm like oh I just want to give him one of my jokes just like crazy person out front of your place or crazy guy that comes to my house and they're like get the fuck out of here and i'm like fuck dice clay this was a great joke wow it's it's important when you know the douchebag that you used to be you have empathy for the douchebag that's now oh yeah for sure email me a joke i listen to dice clay with a girlfriend of mine when we were 19 sitting in my car laugh my ass off i'll never forget it my ass off.

[1497] I'm with a girl.

[1498] I'm laughing my ass off.

[1499] Well, she was laughing too.

[1500] We were laughing our asses off, I should say.

[1501] She thought it was hilarious too.

[1502] It was just you know, it's always weird like when you know someone like that and then all of a sudden you're hanging around with them.

[1503] Like that was one of the things the store was very strange for me from the very beginning.

[1504] Like one of the first times I was ever there, I saw Damon Wayans on stage.

[1505] I was like, jeez that's really Damon Wayans.

[1506] You know?

[1507] I'm still like that.

[1508] where I'm still starstruck by people that I have to explain who it is which is what my fan base has to do like hey people are never going to believe like I'll drunk dial a fan that emailed me randomly I had a guy he just sent me like I'm so so and I think you're great but he included his phone number and I was in the mood so I drunk dialed him he goes holy shit he's somewhere in arkansas going into a loz he's like no one's ever going to believe that you called me i go well no one's going to know who i am and he told me he was just walking into a loz and i bet him some you know small bet like okay i'll send you this if you can find one person in that loz who knows who i am no one's ever going to believe me because they're not going to know who i am and I made him walk around to Lowe's talking to anyone that would listen.

[1509] Do you know who Doug Stanhope is?

[1510] No, no. I'm failing here.

[1511] Hang on.

[1512] There's not a lot of people in here.

[1513] Yeah, I fucking, I love my level of fame.

[1514] Does that guy call you now all the time?

[1515] No, he did send me, I think I bet him, like, I have a copy of like Mad Magazine or something I can send you.

[1516] I'm like, okay, and I'll send you an autographed thing if you.

[1517] if you win that's cool but yeah I kind of like that level fun for him it's pretty fucking cool for him you know except you have no one to share it with like dreams but that's perfect but that's perfect yeah he's got a memory it's better than dreams because dreams memories are weird you know you wake up from a dream and it's like it's slippery can't really get a whole of it you know it's there and it's gone it's like you don't but I'm saying you can't share that experience his experience of getting a phone call from Doug Stanope.

[1518] I had a joke where I said, well, it's not a joke.

[1519] It's the truth.

[1520] I'm only famous within a hundred feet of my gig for a half hour before and after the gig.

[1521] Other than that, nobody knows who I am.

[1522] But I just realized on the drive out here, I also, my job is being famous.

[1523] So for that hour on stage and half an hour.

[1524] And half an hour before and after, I do live in a world of a famous person.

[1525] So if someone says to me, you're famous, I've never heard of you.

[1526] I go, well, I don't work for you.

[1527] I work for my audience, and to my audience, I'm famous.

[1528] So I do live the same experience.

[1529] I just, my off time is way easier.

[1530] Yeah, makes sense.

[1531] Like a teacher, I have summers off.

[1532] Jamie, pull up that thing that I was asking about the technology that they're going to use to record dreams.

[1533] because this is something that they're actively working to try to make a reality.

[1534] As you pull that up, I want to, I'm trying to find my other can of this.

[1535] Spin Drift.

[1536] Are you advertising more booze?

[1537] I'm advertising a million things that have nothing to do with me, just things I enjoy.

[1538] Okay.

[1539] Safeway Cola.

[1540] Now, I just enjoy Safeway.

[1541] Safeway was the hardest thing during COVID because I live in a. small town where the only corporate thing there other than Burger King which is the worst fast food ever and I hate them is Safeway and I know everybody at Safeway and I the only people I missed during the six first six months that I did not go out was Susie and Anna and fucking Ricky all my people at Safeway the workers there I fucking put them in the liner notes to I think the special do you know that you're the producer on my latest special?

[1542] I didn't know.

[1543] Thank you.

[1544] I just wanted to be a producer.

[1545] Yeah, it's a, it's a text message that I go, hey, listen, we recorded it in 2019.

[1546] It didn't come out until a year later.

[1547] And I said, listen, can I put you as a producer so maybe we get some fucking Netflix leverage on this?

[1548] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[1549] Yeah, I remember that.

[1550] What do you show me, Jamie?

[1551] What's this video?

[1552] I was hoping the video was going to be better and show us something.

[1553] That's what, the device you just asked.

[1554] Oh, so it's a legit functional device?

[1555] Sort of.

[1556] Dormio interfacing with dreams.

[1557] Make that a little larger, so I can read it?

[1558] No, the thing about it.

[1559] Yeah.

[1560] Sleep is a forgotten country of the mind.

[1561] A vast majority of our technologies are built for the waking state.

[1562] Even though a third of our conscious lives, a third of our lives are sleep, current technological interfaces, miss an opportunity to access the unique, imaginative, elastic, cognition ongoing during dreams and semi -lucid states.

[1563] In turn, what is this saying, though?

[1564] That's exactly.

[1565] This is a little better explanation in this article about this.

[1566] Go to the top, please, so I can read the title, the title.

[1567] Yeah, MIT researchers develop a way to record and even alter dreams.

[1568] Yeah.

[1569] That was what I was talking about.

[1570] There's so much of this stuff that if there was a...

[1571] Whoa, look at this, though.

[1572] targeted dream incubation they can alter your dreams they can guide the dreams towards particular themes TDI is a protocol that we utilized within an app on the wearable sleep tracking device Donimo to record the wearer's dreams additionally it's also possible to guide the dreams towards certain ideas when the wear is in the process of going to sleep by targeting them with information around the idea repeatedly.

[1573] Oh, so they put like a panda bear in your head over and over and over again.

[1574] I've heard of people being able to practice things like this.

[1575] And it sounded so BS to me. I was like, okay, they can learn guitar while they're sleeping.

[1576] Look up, is it real?

[1577] I'm going to guess, 1978, what year did the Shah of Iran die?

[1578] Because I remember I would sleep with AM radio on, hoping to hear air, apply because I was in love with a girl and I woke up and my dad said oh the Shah of Iran died and I go that's so fucked up I had a dream about it and then realized later I had slept with AM radio on so I heard it on the news 79 boom look at that soon thereafter the Iranian monarchy was formally abolished I didn't have a dream about that no well you radio can only be so detailed Well, I also got over that girl, and I stopped roller skating.

[1579] Did you think of yourself as John Cusack standing outside of her window holding up the boombox?

[1580] Remember that scene?

[1581] I wish I had, I did, you know, when we were late 90s, there was a million or middle 90s.

[1582] I did a bit about that when Stalker was first coined a term.

[1583] And I'm like, yeah.

[1584] But if John Cusack holding the boom box, that's a stalker, but he's cute.

[1585] So it's romantic.

[1586] Well, it also comes into play, again, everything, all the bits that you do about, like, priests, molesting kids and they think it's a new thing every time it's popular in the news.

[1587] No, that was like, what was going on in the early 90s when I started comedy.

[1588] I remember Becker's bit about an open mic going, yeah, what we have here is failure to excommunicate.

[1589] And then all of a sudden, priest molestation is a new thing in the 2000s.

[1590] and then it's a new thing again.

[1591] Stocker was a thing.

[1592] Pre -smolestation, no, well, it's always been a thing.

[1593] Like, everybody knew about it in the 50s, the 60s.

[1594] But it's not always in the news.

[1595] When did it start being in the news?

[1596] I mean, there's been a ton of documentaries and news stories, and then the one big one was when the Pope turned out he used to be a bishop that was letting go these guys after they got caught molesting kids.

[1597] And one of them went on to molest 100.

[1598] deaf kids.

[1599] They did a documentary on it.

[1600] It's dark shit, man. He was involved with a lot of the moving around of those pedophile priests.

[1601] And that's one of the reasons why there was one point where they said he couldn't leave the Vatican because there were certain parts of the world that wanted to try him with crimes against humanity.

[1602] She had to stay there.

[1603] Like, those guys are like...

[1604] But when you hear a comic that's a new comic doing bits like this is just...

[1605] Oh, like they think it's breaking new ground?

[1606] Yeah, but it's not.

[1607] Do they, though?

[1608] I don't know.

[1609] In this day and age?

[1610] I think it's something to talk about.

[1611] Well, in this day and age, I didn't start in this day and age.

[1612] There was whatever's in a newspaper, like a physical newspaper.

[1613] There was not Twitter or what's trending.

[1614] Now, everything's in the news for about 48 hours at best.

[1615] Yeah, and then it flies away.

[1616] Which is kind of good.

[1617] It's kind of good, but it's kind of fascinating to watch just the glut of information being poured down.

[1618] our throats it's happening at a pace it's you can't keep up with everything it's just too much going on when they say that like there's more data being created there's some crazy statistic like more data being created in a day in 2021 than like the last thousand years like what is the the statistic it's something really nutting i know i butchered it in the last just the one that pops up today in the last two years alone the astonishing 90 % of the world's data has been created that's 2 .5 quintillion bytes of data are produced by humans every day That is insane And it keeps accelerating It's like there's no way You can keep track of all of it Which is good Which is good You know Yeah you can't In our day When there was like three sitcoms Yeah you could make a joke about Alice Lorena Bobbitt Oh yes Remember that one?

[1619] Yeah there was Monica Lewinsky jokes There was The rain of Bobbett happened at the same time as...

[1620] Fuck.

[1621] Because me and Becker were on meth.

[1622] And we went out in Scottsdale.

[1623] Hey, try this.

[1624] Zha Zhang.

[1625] Rejection proof.

[1626] Do some meth and go out in a median in Scottsdale.

[1627] Need money to have penis reattached.

[1628] Cops finally shoot us off.

[1629] What was the other one at the same time?

[1630] The two biggest hackneyed premises that anyway Remember he did porn He had his dick reattached Yeah Franken penis or something It was called She threw it on the side of the road And the cops found it Ouch Yeah At this point I would be like this Fucking COVID vaccine Where I go Ah I didn't even feel it happened You know they give guys new dicks now Guys have their dicks blown off Or something's happened to their dick They've got an infection If I could get A new dick Dict implants I would make it something freak showish, like with a two -headed penis with a little baby head coming off.

[1631] So I could just sell pictures.

[1632] You have to get a transplant.

[1633] Like, you'd have to find a two -headed dick to get a two -headed dick.

[1634] I'd take a cerecoyat, sleep through the whole thing and have lucid dreams about it.

[1635] I have an answer for everything after a certain amount of cocktails.

[1636] I get it.

[1637] I get it.

[1638] But they can't give guys dicks now, which is crazy.

[1639] You know what they can't do?

[1640] They can't give you balls because it's unethical.

[1641] Because if a guy died.

[1642] that you can't have his testicles because his testicles will be shooting out his sperm even if it's yours, even if it's in your body.

[1643] So you'd be making his babies which is wild, right?

[1644] Like so if someone got a hold of your balls, if you died and you donated your balls to science and some guy needed a new pair of balls, if you got your balls, he would be shooting your loads for the rest of his life.

[1645] So he'd be making Doug Stanhope babies and they'd be like, but Doug Stanhope is dead.

[1646] Meanwhile, you're zombie nuts.

[1647] to be activated in this guy's body just like if you cut a guy's hand off and then reattach him another person he gets the fingerprints of that dead guy you get the loads of the dead guy it's actually happened three times but they were in cases of twins really all cases were twins yeah the first two cases I guess one of the brothers didn't have testicles wow and then another one it looks like one might have died well there's that documentary about the guy that was a fertility doctor but he used his own sperm so he's got Yeah, he's pregnant like 100 people Factoid for you One of these books I read Was the most children Recorded by a single father Was it that guy?

[1648] No, no, no This is some fucking pharaoh Of fucking turkey Before I was called turkey or something Oh wow What about Ging his con?

[1649] I don't know who it was But look it up I think it's 880 children Most children And he was That is crazy.

[1650] But that was in the Darwin book about why chicks fuck older guys.

[1651] Like if I ignored all the big words, just like that story he just put up.

[1652] Here it is.

[1653] Like if you ignore all the big words, if they talk dumb to you, you...

[1654] Look what he said.

[1655] Monarch of Morocco had a harem of 500 women and registered 522 boys and 342 girls.

[1656] In total, an observation was made that 1 ,042 children, and then eventually after his death, the total rose to 1 ,171.

[1657] Wow, and again to 1248, 1 ,248, I don't know how they figured that out.

[1658] Maybe they did some DNA testing or something.

[1659] And what years is?

[1660] That's crazy.

[1661] That's a lot of people.

[1662] That guy liked to fuck.

[1663] Am I right, people?

[1664] Am I right?

[1665] But Gingas Khan, his DNA is in some insane amount of people in the area, in the area where he lived.

[1666] That's why they call him mongoloids.

[1667] Uncanceled!

[1668] There he is.

[1669] 1672 to 1721.

[1670] Wow.

[1671] Look at that guy.

[1672] Out there partying.

[1673] Wow.

[1674] 1672, just fucking up a storm.

[1675] Not paying attention to any of your kids.

[1676] You got hundreds of them.

[1677] A thousand.

[1678] 1200 kids you're not paying attention to those kids there's no way well they're homeschooled what a fucking animal guys just just shooting loads all over the kingdom well if every load that you ever blew became a baby yeah even the ones he jerked off he probably never jerks off why would he jerk off because he has that fucking harem he's 500 wives why would he jerk off you're to satisfy 500 wives is so preposterous those poor girls I would propose the argument of you don't have to fucking talk to them or buying breakfast.

[1679] There's 500 of them, though.

[1680] Sometimes you'd rather go, when is it my turn?

[1681] And you're going to be like a year and a half.

[1682] No fucking way.

[1683] I think I became an adult when I'd go, I should just jerk off rather than fuck this girl who thinks I like her.

[1684] Because I know I won't like her.

[1685] I quote you all the time, the post -come syndrome.

[1686] Yes.

[1687] Where you go, oh, I really did think I liked you until I came.

[1688] Yeah, I used to do a bit about it.

[1689] Jerk off first, then think about it.

[1690] That was my best advice to people.

[1691] Jerk off first, then think about it.

[1692] Because that is a weird fucking thing with men.

[1693] Like you really think, especially when you're young, like when I was in my early 20s, you think differently.

[1694] Like, you think like, oh, maybe she could be my wife.

[1695] And then you're nut and you're like, I got to get out of here.

[1696] What am I doing?

[1697] And it's a fucking horrible feeling.

[1698] But it's true.

[1699] It's like it's real thinking.

[1700] It's not like you're, like women, a lot of times, I think they're for sure some guys are deceptive and most guys can be deceptive if they're trying to get laid but there's also you're being deceptive to yourself like your dick is lying to you.

[1701] You wish you could have some kind of way to put that perspective in like listen to what my brain was telling me yeah.

[1702] Put my brain in your head for a second.

[1703] You'll understand.

[1704] Now I feel bad about it.

[1705] Yeah.

[1706] And it's not even a power.

[1707] dynamic.

[1708] It's a bullshit dynamic maybe.

[1709] But I really felt that way until I came.

[1710] And that is one thing I gleaned off of Darwinian psychology theory.

[1711] Yeah, you're supposed to keep the same mindset before you come as after you come, which is ridiculous.

[1712] Like you're supposed to look at things the same way after you come as before you come.

[1713] No, the evolution.

[1714] But it's not ridiculous to people who don't understand that, meaning women.

[1715] Wow.

[1716] Because they always think the same way.

[1717] That's not true either.

[1718] That's not true at all either.

[1719] They must have an enormous relief.

[1720] If you could, this is my problem with reading a smart fuck book for 16 and a half hours listening to it.

[1721] Now I think I know what the fuck I'm talking about and they don't.

[1722] Yeah, but it makes sense.

[1723] Yeah, we don't have to know what you're talking about.

[1724] You're just talking.

[1725] I know.

[1726] I was trying to dumb myself down with alcohol.

[1727] my we were when we were talking earlier about when you start believing your own bullshit yeah my sense of humor is brendan walsh it's not the yelling guy on stage that i am that's who i became on stage what i laugh at is brendan walsh in a fucking neck brace doing prank phone calls that's what i grew up being then i heard dice clay then i started doing stage i fucking love brendan walsh being ridiculous and silly and fart diarrhea fart sounds one of the best falls on Twitter didn't they ban his account yeah what what was it for because he pull it up brennan walsh i think it's still his pin tweet they abolished his verified account because he a parody because he was yeah he was pretending to be donald trump junior Oh, that's what it was.

[1728] And it was as benign as the Australian artist that Sasha Barron Cohen has a problem with.

[1729] I remember reading it and being annoyed.

[1730] He was crestfallen.

[1731] I love when I get drunk and I find a big word like crestfallen.

[1732] He was fucked up over being canceled by Twitter over some silly shit.

[1733] Brendan Walsh is one of the funniest Twitter people.

[1734] He's now at at Brendan Walsh.

[1735] Walsh at and then spelled out at Brendan Walsh.

[1736] A .T. Brendan Walsh, yeah.

[1737] So what was it?

[1738] Me and Eric are putting on a pot of coffee and we're going to put on a pot of coffee.

[1739] We're going to figure this out.

[1740] Tonight, we're in the White House, Sleepy Joe's in a cheap motel where he belongs.

[1741] And it's a Donald Trump Jr. fake tweet.

[1742] Well, here's the thing.

[1743] When you have the verified symbol, you can put anything underneath it, which I used to, like if I was fighting with an airline, I could.

[1744] like change what I, who I am to DELTAE shit.

[1745] Cond Nast travel writer.

[1746] Oh fuck, he's got 300 ,000 followers and he's a travel writer.

[1747] But he actually pretended to be Donald Trump Jr. Because he was verified.

[1748] Yeah, but it said Brendan Walsh.

[1749] I know.

[1750] It's so dumb.

[1751] It's funny.

[1752] That's funny.

[1753] It's so stupid.

[1754] There's so many people that have to fucking speak up.

[1755] in whatever the culture is.

[1756] There's a million different cultures that have all been boiled down into left wing or right wing.

[1757] But when you fucking talk to people off the record that are in whatever groups, they go, this is so fucked up.

[1758] I live in Hollywood.

[1759] I'm a writer.

[1760] I'm a whatever.

[1761] And they don't speak for me, but I can't, like, fucking white males can't save you now.

[1762] like yeah you have to speak up and go hey that fucking person doesn't speak for me but they're all worried well they're worried about losing their jobs exactly but we're just losing our sense of humor it's just that's the the idea that they would just pull that down and pretend that that's like he's being an imposter like no he's being funny like you you got to have room for parity folks this is the internet you're going to ruin twitter it's already ruined you're going to ruin even further and further you have to have room for fun no no what we do is is we they shut down a loophole we open up a new one that's how the fucking cycle goes okay you can't do that well you can't do that on Twitter anymore then you go and you don't go parlor that's the problem with any one of those things right whenever they have a new one of those things it always becomes like a right wing haven because by getting people it's really kind of brilliant in a way because by getting people to have this like since there's this heavy left -wing bias on Twitter.

[1763] When people abandon Twitter or they get kicked off at Twitter, they're almost always right -wing.

[1764] And when they go to these places that say, we don't have any censorship, well, what's the big censorship on Twitter?

[1765] The big censorship is in saying offensive things, saying things that have been deemed culturally and appropriate.

[1766] So that's, of course, especially if you're like some fucking 16 -year -old kid, you don't care about the future of this app.

[1767] You don't give a fuck.

[1768] You want to say all the shit you know you can't say on Twitter, but you can say at blah blah blah whatever the new app is so they go over there and they ruin it and so like you have the main town square which is twitter and every new one that pops up sort of miserably fails because they become so right wing like it's all the people that are using it are right wing people and this is only a few of them that i've looked into but a couple of them i mean maybe there's some new ones i'm not aware of jamie are there any new ones new social media apps that are on the up and up On the rise.

[1769] But isn't it the same thing?

[1770] Am I correct, that they become like super right -wing?

[1771] I don't know.

[1772] Wasn't that the thing with Parlor that they were saying that that's how a lot of those Q -N -on guys were communicating?

[1773] I'm straining to find a better example that's not social media.

[1774] But whatever a law passes, you can't do this anymore.

[1775] Okay, but you can't smoke in bars anymore.

[1776] But we could have outdoor smoking.

[1777] Okay.

[1778] And then they go, no, outdoor.

[1779] So then you have a cigar bar can have...

[1780] They're not applicable.

[1781] See, here's the problem.

[1782] There's never been a thing like social media that's had that much influence on so many people.

[1783] And then a few people with a very, like a rigid ideology in terms of what they'll allow, what they don't allow.

[1784] And those people are controlling this massive amount of discourse.

[1785] That's never happened before.

[1786] It's way different than a law or anything else that creates a loophole.

[1787] We always, as human beings, find a...

[1788] a way to usurp a law, whatever it is.

[1789] If it's Twitter law, government law, you find a loophole, then they find a way to shut it down, then you open up another, throughout history, you find a way to fuck this system.

[1790] Problem is it could take decades.

[1791] It could take decades to get out of this Twitter power.

[1792] You can say the same thing about, like, why is the Chinese government have control of all their one billion people?

[1793] Well, eventually they won't.

[1794] Okay, well, how long is that going to take?

[1795] And they'll elect a new government, they'll fucks them.

[1796] But this is the problem with this thing that Twitter is, because we look at, and it's not all a problem, but we look at social media apps like a thing that you use.

[1797] It's just a thing you use.

[1798] You don't have to use it.

[1799] It's a private company.

[1800] They can do whatever they want.

[1801] But it's way bigger than that.

[1802] It's something that can influence billions of people.

[1803] It's a way of distributing ideas that's never.

[1804] existed before.

[1805] And if it gets controlled in terms of like there's people like that, they're kicking off Brennan Walsh for pretending that he's Donald Trump.

[1806] I mean, come on.

[1807] Junior.

[1808] Whatever.

[1809] Yeah, exactly.

[1810] There's, you got to have parody.

[1811] You got to have fun.

[1812] You can't have it so locked down and rigid.

[1813] It's just you're going to ruin human communication.

[1814] And the kids will figure out a way to fuck the system.

[1815] Maybe.

[1816] And then the system will fuck them back.

[1817] The system always It always fucks the people and the people find a way to find a loophole.

[1818] And maybe, maybe, but this is a different thing.

[1819] We've never experienced this kind of a thing before.

[1820] This thing is so much more powerful than any other new thing that's ever existed.

[1821] Yeah.

[1822] In terms of the ability to get out ideas and how much it can change culture.

[1823] You know, it, I mean, maybe kids will figure out a way around it, or maybe it'll warp people to the point where they're willing to accept some sort of totalitarian regime as long as they think it's like ethical and moral.

[1824] Yeah, as long as they think it's like the ethical and moral thing to do.

[1825] Like it's a great ethical, moral, totalitarian regime, and then they'll hop on board.

[1826] And then you're going to be cool with, you know, 2020s McCarthyism.

[1827] It's like it's going to be very similar.

[1828] And then people turn to people in.

[1829] 2030s will go, fuck this, and they'll figure out another way to fuck them.

[1830] And then the system will fuck them again.

[1831] And like it's...

[1832] Maybe.

[1833] Maybe they'll stay control just like the Chinese government.

[1834] You know, like this is the thing.

[1835] it's like once something has control like people are really terrified about Facebook they're really terrified about Twitter and they're terrified about YouTube the amount of control that these companies have they're not egregiously abusing it like they possibly could like if one of them like really went heavy off the rails there's a lot of power that these people have and so much money you know it's that's why that if you watch that social dilemma that documentary twice and it fucking terrified scares shit out you and then the bill Hickspit I look out my window right cricket right cricket where's all this shit happening do you do you do you want to know my neighbors names I'll start with fucking well Morgan Murphy rents at the end I'm sure you know your neighbors I get what you're saying the point is you're close to you know they're fucking yeah pets names they're welcome in my house that's great but it's still you're not going to get away from the impact so if I tell people listen if you just stop procreating to a point where you actually know the people that you're talking to and humanity isn't just this vast load of nameless people well they're not going to do that they're going to keep fucking you're going to keep making more people and fuck every uh social dilemma argument that me and chad shank have while we're drinking always ends up with overpopulation too many people that's definitely part of the problem but it's not just the problem like even if you have less people they're still communicating the same way and they're still branching off into these echo chambers and we're more divided than we've ever been before like no matter and here's the problem with that whole population article I'm argument I like people like if you stop fucking and then there's no people then we go away and then there's no more people like I like I like them I like having them around I think the only way you have them is if you make more of them But I think the only way you appreciate them if they're in...

[1836] You have less of them.

[1837] Yeah.

[1838] That's the problem with L .A. in New York, right?

[1839] There's a...

[1840] You don't feel connected to a billion people.

[1841] There's too many of them.

[1842] There's a burden.

[1843] A fucking million -year -old bit of mine.

[1844] You love a kitten.

[1845] But if you came home and there was 8 ,000 kittens in your fucking one -bedroom apartment, you'd put on golf shoes and stop them to death.

[1846] Yeah.

[1847] Because scarcity is...

[1848] Yeah, the numbers that we live in, whether it's L...

[1849] I mean, that's one of the things that I noticed immediately upon moving to Austin, it's like it's more relaxed here.

[1850] There's less humans.

[1851] Like, it's not good to be in that kind of fucking high RPM buzzing of L .A. I love your love of Austin, but I almost moved here from BISB when I first moved to BISB and I had a fucking issue there and I go, Fuck it.

[1852] I'll move to Austin.

[1853] I'm like, Austin, the traffic here, which is my number one consideration, along with weather of where to live.

[1854] Like, the traffic here is so fucking awful.

[1855] No, it's not.

[1856] It's nothing.

[1857] It's a joke.

[1858] It takes you an extra 10 minutes to get places.

[1859] It took me 15 minutes in a Walmart parking lot to get out of it when I took a wrong right turn to try to get some food yesterday.

[1860] Oh, just go up Ben Adams.

[1861] Jamie, back me up on this.

[1862] This traffic is bullshit, right?

[1863] It's a joke.

[1864] It's not that, the roads are, you mentioned that the other day.

[1865] The roads are stupid.

[1866] They're fucking made it bad idea.

[1867] Yeah, whoever the civil engineer is that started the city, they did it for horses.

[1868] Oh, wait, you're on my side.

[1869] Well, it turns of the way it's engineered.

[1870] Yeah, it's terrible.

[1871] It's fucked up.

[1872] Yeah, but the amount of traffic is a joke.

[1873] It's not a, it's not a crisp, clean grid that's easy to follow.

[1874] The amount of fucking people trying to leave a Walmart taking a right turn on Ben Adams on a fucking one -way frontage road.

[1875] I get it.

[1876] You used to Bisbee.

[1877] Busby is way I told you It's my first forge out of my bed In a year I knew I was gonna Well that's good Stay there then You got a good spot As long as you don't like Talk it up too much No no it's a terrible place It's a horrible place That's it That's what you gotta say about everything We're gonna start saying that about Austin too Don't come here But of course You know like people are gonna come It's better than L .A That I don't understand the L .A thing anymore especially now for comics it doesn't make any sense to me because it used to be that you wanted to be connected to television and you want to be to connected to the movie industry but comics today are more connected to podcast than ever before which means you could be anywhere you could be in fucking arizona it doesn't matter Nashville yeah another benefit of COVID thank you 500 ,000 fucking mostly elderly people that died so I could figure out Zoom and I like I'll tweet Hey, if you want to talk, send me a Zoom link And I'll fucking talk to you And then I'm talking to someone from wherever Just some strange person Yeah, fun I brought my goddamn reading glasses Because I'm so used to Zoom I have to Yeah, I don't like doing podcasts over Zoom though They just feel so flat I mean, they're better than no podcasts at all If you want to talk to someone from the UK Or something like that But it just feels flat It's like the interaction you have It's so limited You know It sounds good This kind of shit is better Well it's obviously better But where I live Yeah Now I'm getting actual Like I fucking drunk dial Fucking Mike from Nickelback Mike from Nickelback Mike from Nickelback Who's that the lead guy Now he's the brother I guess I don't know But like over a year Like yeah I have reached out I have fucking Rejection proofed myself, fucking Dr. Hook, Dennis, the lead singer of Dr. Hook, who when we get drunk and we play karaoke in the fun house, we play Dr. Hook all the time.

[1878] And he just randomly DM'd me. Hey, I'm a big fan.

[1879] I'm a American rock guy.

[1880] Oh, that's hilarious.

[1881] And I, wait, you think I don't know who you are?

[1882] I'm just a big fan.

[1883] I'm like, are you fucking kidding Dr. Hook is a fan of us we drunk fucking carol your songs like fucking horrible Christmas carolers Sylvia's mother said anyway let's wrap this up yeah it's 4 o 'clock oh fuck yeah time flew we did uh it's like three hours right Douglas where are you going to do this comedian's uh bulimian grove thing it's uh well can you tell me off the air yeah no it's it's it's it's it's an Arizona it's a hundred miles away from where I live what well okay but it's 42 miles from the Tucson Airport oh so it's easy to get in easy to get out and I just need 500 ,000 dollars of seed money oh you need go fund me yeah no I need you busy very busy out here no I don't need I just need your money see we'll talk no no this is ja jing this is jing's fucking rejection proofs He just asked.

[1884] And he said, Well, then you're rejection proof, so it doesn't bother you.

[1885] Yeah, I don't really need to do that.

[1886] I don't think you need that kind of money to do that.

[1887] Now, I like to bring an accountants to go over your paperwork.

[1888] Well, that's why I have Raider to do all the paperwork.

[1889] Do you think they're going to move there?

[1890] The comics are going to move to this spot?

[1891] No. They're just going to visit?

[1892] No, I'm just going to move my compound.

[1893] I'll tell you.

[1894] Oh, tell me. I'll tell you the other part of it.

[1895] Douglas.

[1896] Why, I want to get the fuck out of Bisby.

[1897] Oh.

[1898] It's just one bad, bad man. All right.

[1899] It's fucked me over.

[1900] I love you, Doug Stan out.

[1901] I'm sorry you had to have me on.

[1902] Come on more often.

[1903] It would be more comfortable.

[1904] Thanks for the book, too.

[1905] Sam Talent.

[1906] Sam Talent, running the light.

[1907] I'm going to check it out.

[1908] Vodka juice box.

[1909] Oh, bingo.

[1910] Bingo.

[1911] Heard you were an anti -masker.

[1912] I'm not.

[1913] I know.

[1914] Well, she sent you a mask.

[1915] Oh, was it?

[1916] Bingo is her and her musician partner have made a band vodka juice box.

[1917] All right.

[1918] And we'll get a picture afterwards.

[1919] It's a good one.

[1920] Smells good.

[1921] I've only worn it twice.

[1922] Bye, everybody.

[1923] Bye.