Armchair Anonymous: Period Hijinx

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Shepard.

[5] I'm joined by Mrs. Mouse.

[6] This one's real close to home for you.

[7] I mean, as we speak.

[8] Yeah.

[9] I mean, we'll talk about a ding, ding, duck.

[10] Right?

[11] Well, exactly.

[12] I'm having trouble.

[13] It's fly time.

[14] It's fly time, but they're trickling and it's like one fly a day.

[15] I mean, I don't understand.

[16] I'll fly there.

[17] It's like, guys, let's get it together and land.

[18] I know.

[19] I'm so sorry.

[20] I don't like it.

[21] Yeah.

[22] You guessed it.

[23] We're going to talk about crazy period hijinks.

[24] Yes, and these are amazing.

[25] These are fantastic.

[26] And Monica and I had lots of debates in the middle.

[27] The people were pulled.

[28] It was, it was.

[29] contentious and fun There was some mansplaining going on Sure, sure Have you run by the quiz Anyone else Have you had anyone else?

[30] I have it All right Please enjoy period hijinks All times Come and go Take them slow You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining Ready for cat?

[31] Yeah period hijinks Here she comes Excited I'm excited.

[32] Tell me about your period.

[33] Period.

[34] Period.

[35] Period.

[36] Oh, oh.

[37] Hi.

[38] So nice to meet both of you.

[39] Nice to meet you.

[40] Beautiful closet.

[41] Yeah, very designer -esque.

[42] Really gorgeous.

[43] Oh, thank you.

[44] Yeah, we painted it.

[45] We put up the paneling and all sorts of stuff.

[46] Wow.

[47] You guys are DIYers.

[48] We are DIYers.

[49] We bought a house that's built in 1900 and basically have redone the whole entire thing over the past couple of years.

[50] Nice.

[51] I'm in the same boat, sort of.

[52] Are you?

[53] Well, outside of the doing it yourself part, right?

[54] I haven't done any.

[55] And we haven't started.

[56] But yes, we have a lot of help.

[57] The closet DIY, but the rest of it, professionals.

[58] In what part of the country?

[59] I live in Massachusetts, like a little coastal town.

[60] Nice.

[61] Story -esque.

[62] It is pretty story -esque, not far from Boston.

[63] How close to Plymouth Rock?

[64] Two or three towns over.

[65] Oh.

[66] And did you go to Harvard?

[67] That's asking a lot.

[68] I know I just felt it.

[69] Oh, okay.

[70] But I was wrong.

[71] She went to MIT.

[72] Did you?

[73] Boston College.

[74] Okay.

[75] Also a great school.

[76] Incredible.

[77] Okay.

[78] So you had some period hijinks, which is just great for us.

[79] Who hasn't?

[80] First off, I just wanted to get out of the way that Monica, I have a friend going through IVF, who's really loving the podcast.

[81] That makes me happy.

[82] And Dax, you and I have the same birthdays.

[83] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[84] It's been said it's the worst day to have a birthday, and I concur.

[85] But I do think it's built a lot of character over the years.

[86] Yes.

[87] And we're Capricorn, so we like it.

[88] Yeah, we like a little strife to go along with our high achievement.

[89] Watch this terrible birthday not affect me. Exactly.

[90] Yeah, I'm fine.

[91] I didn't even want attention.

[92] All right.

[93] So I'll dive in to my period.

[94] High Jenks.

[95] The year is 2002.

[96] I am 12 years old.

[97] Oh.

[98] At the time, I was doing competition dance team.

[99] And Monica, I don't.

[100] know how similar that is to competitive cheer.

[101] But the idea is you're part of this team and you spend a few months of the year learning all your routines, whether it's a big group one, small group one, it could be a few.

[102] And then there's another few months of the year where it's a kind of competition season.

[103] All that really means is every couple weekends, you're going to some empty middle school auditorium in another New England town.

[104] You and your poor parents are sitting there all weekend and you're performing your dances amongst dozens or even hundreds of other dancers and groups.

[105] And the whole point is at the end of that weekend, you hope that your group or team wins the goals for your category, essentially.

[106] We would probably have one routine that was tough, one that was jazz, one that was more lyrical.

[107] And we would perform all of those in one competition.

[108] So that year, again, being a very mediocre dancer, for whatever reason that year, I was selected to do a solo dance in addition to the group dances.

[109] So that's both fun and a little nerve -wracking.

[110] And at this particular competition, I was getting ready to do my thing.

[111] And I was getting ready to do my I was getting my costume, so just give you a picture.

[112] I am wearing a halter top style costume, right?

[113] So imagine a bathing suit, clicks in the back behind the neck, and it's purple on top, white on bottom.

[114] Oh, white on bottom.

[115] Yeah, there you go.

[116] So I'm wearing basically a bathing suit in tights.

[117] So I go out there, I'm starting my routine.

[118] The song is Bye Bye Blackbird.

[119] So I'm doing a little, like, jazzy, lyrical number.

[120] Not the Beatles song.

[121] Am I thinking?

[122] No, that's just Blackbird.

[123] I think it was like a my, Miles Davis song and there's been like lots of iterations like Ele Fitzgerald and this and that.

[124] I probably had some really fair use version of it sang by someone.

[125] So I'm about 20, 30 seconds into this routine.

[126] I do this move where I take a big step and I spread my arms wide and then that exact moment, down comes the halter top.

[127] No. Flash this entire audience judging panel.

[128] I'm 12.

[129] What a left turn.

[130] This is period hijinks.

[131] I'm of course thinking, okay.

[132] So, your buds or your breasts, whatever.

[133] We need to ask, have you already...

[134] Monica, were you already stacked?

[135] I had breasts by then.

[136] That is great.

[137] I'm so jealous.

[138] Neither then nor now.

[139] Is there anything worth showing?

[140] But it was still completely mortifying, obviously.

[141] Of course.

[142] Of course.

[143] So I'm like on stage.

[144] I'm holding the things up.

[145] I'm trying to rehook because in my mind, I'm like, oh, if I can just rehook this, I'll pick it back up and carry on.

[146] I'm only 20 seconds into this thing.

[147] And I'm kind of just like swinging side to side, hooking, hooking.

[148] I can't get it.

[149] It's too difficult and I'm probably shaking.

[150] So I run off the stage and everyone, you know, swarming you in the back.

[151] It's the other dancers.

[152] It's all the mom.

[153] That's my mom.

[154] My friends do this with me and everyone's like, it's okay.

[155] It's okay.

[156] I'm crying.

[157] And they're like, no one even saw.

[158] It was so quick.

[159] And they were like, by the way, everyone's saying, if you want to just go back and start again, you can.

[160] I don't know what came over me, but I was like, okay, I'm going to do it.

[161] And it's all triumphant.

[162] I get myself together.

[163] There's been a, you know, safety pin reinforcing the halter hook.

[164] So it just will not happen again.

[165] Get back on.

[166] stage did the whole routine.

[167] I walk off stage and within like a millisecond someone I don't even know who was in my face going you have your period and I'm just like what so on my second go of being solo on stage this is my 12 year old period leaks on through oh you should have come out and taken a dump on stage you should have come back out and just be like this is the only thing you around the corner, fudge is made.

[168] Yes.

[169] I would have moved out of the country.

[170] Oh, my God.

[171] How much was exposed?

[172] What level of blood?

[173] Not that much.

[174] And I'm not even crying.

[175] All the tears got out from the flashing.

[176] I think I'm numb.

[177] I'm, like, rising out of my body.

[178] Like, this just isn't happening.

[179] Pretend you're not alive.

[180] But everyone's like, I don't think you'd even see it.

[181] Like, you had to be really up close.

[182] However, at this particular competition, which was not the norm, There was a giant projector screen next to the stage, projecting all the dances that were going on that day.

[183] Oh, my gosh.

[184] So I'm just like cringing a little bit because I'm making my friend's dad was in the audience.

[185] The older girls that you look up to at the dance, they feel bad for me. Were they making fun?

[186] Like, I didn't know how to feel about it.

[187] But this is why life's complicated because on one hand, an hour ago, we haven't talked to you.

[188] We might be making a case that it's a shame boys don't attend and support these dance programs.

[189] But no. I'm saving graces.

[190] There's no 7th grade boys in the audience, right?

[191] No. Don't you think that's helpful or no?

[192] By Monday, everyone knew about it at school.

[193] Because the next day, I got a message on AIM from the most popular boy in school being like, yo, heard what happened.

[194] That's rough.

[195] Which at least he was wicked nice about him.

[196] Oh, do you think he was trying to flirt?

[197] Probably.

[198] Wait, what was your screen name?

[199] Oh, goalie cat, O2, because I was the soccer goalie.

[200] shit you danced and played soccer he was definitely flirting but guys the story gets worse or better depending on your perspective i suppose so at the end of every dance competition it's the whole judging awards ceremony so everyone that competed every single person comes out on stage and you sit like you find a little tiny spot and you all sit on the stage and then the judges stand up with the microphone and everyone's in the audience and they do the awards on occasion the judges will get creative so if there was something from that day like an incredible costume or something that really spoke to them.

[201] They'll kind of make up an award on that day.

[202] Oh, no. They were like, you know, this person, you know, just kept going when the going got tough.

[203] And that shows a lot of gumption.

[204] So come on up here to the stage cat for the Super Dupor Trooper Award.

[205] And I had to stand up and receive this tacky, neatly named award.

[206] It kept coming.

[207] I was like, when is this experience going to end?

[208] The Super Duper Trooper Award.

[209] SDT.

[210] Well intentioned.

[211] They're like, we're going to celebrate.

[212] But no, it's just, let's roll around in the experience so everyone's trying to forget a little longer.

[213] Yep.

[214] And I remember my mom just being like, I'm sorry, kid.

[215] And the psychology of the whole experience, which I think is interesting, is on the day, you know, I'm like, yeah, I didn't know.

[216] I had my period.

[217] I was like, gosh, she didn't know.

[218] She just got it.

[219] I knew I had my period.

[220] but I was 12 and it was like my second or third period ever.

[221] I remember like waking up that morning and like sensing it but being like, I don't have the words or maturity to like go to my mom and be like, we need to figure something out for my costume at the dance competition because I probably can't wear a tampon nor do I know how or wear them yet.

[222] But I need help.

[223] I just didn't know how to say that.

[224] Capricorn.

[225] Capricorn.

[226] Oh, it is so classic.

[227] You guys do not know how to ask for help.

[228] No, we can't.

[229] We got to be perfect or you won't love us.

[230] But then you end up period.

[231] in front of a lot of people.

[232] They were really imperfect.

[233] It wasn't a house where we did like a lot of open body talk, right?

[234] It was very much, this will happen to you.

[235] They should have just handed you at 20.

[236] Like, what if one of the judges gave you a $20 bill out of his wallet?

[237] You deserve this.

[238] Buy some tampons with this.

[239] Yeah.

[240] Get a new outfit.

[241] Clean yourself up.

[242] Yeah.

[243] So did you think that it just like wouldn't leak through?

[244] I think I was truly in denial.

[245] If you only have this thing once or twice, you don't even really know how bad we'd get it.

[246] And it will just be okay.

[247] It won't leak.

[248] through like you're wearing tight so you can just go to the bathroom a couple times i just was truly like it'll be fine and it wasn't can i ask a really crass question i'm just not a girl and i didn't gossip with other girls about this in those early days before you figured out all the systems in place to deal with it and maybe you're not talking about do you ever just try to put toilet paper between your vulva i've done it a hundred percent yeah okay i'm imagining like when you pull it out of your vulva is like there's pieces still it's gonna be a terrible approach right it's not good but if you're doing it right in a pinch it will work and it doesn't come apart if you fold it properly okay you've got to taco it kind of you got to a good stream too and I'm talking a couple pieces we're talking like 10 piles yeah that's right and am I right to think though you're putting it in like a hot dog in a bun you're not attempting to use it as a tampon no never right you're gonna put it like passengers in a canoe No, no, no, no, you're going to do like a pad.

[249] You're just laying it.

[250] Yeah.

[251] Oh, you're not actually, like, pushing it into the vulva at all.

[252] I'm sincere here.

[253] I'm not even being perverted.

[254] I know you are.

[255] You're not trying to, like, close the wound.

[256] Okay.

[257] You're just trying to lay.

[258] I think I'd be tempted to, if I had a vulva.

[259] I think I'd be tempted to part the bun and place the hot dog, which in this case would be made of toilet paper.

[260] It wouldn't work as well, yeah.

[261] Well, and again, then that would lead to the problem I was concerned about, which is, like, lots of little bits of it.

[262] Yes.

[263] everywhere like the least of your concerns honestly when you have that going on a little bit of toilet paper no problem exactly you're right well great meeting you cat and thank you for that terrible story i'm sorry that happened to and i bet it made you a better person it did and it's my friend's favorite story to hear and tell and retell so they are just in stitches that i'm making this publicly known comedy comes in threes you got really lucky it didn't just stop with the period the fact that you got the super duper award also and the flashing yeah yeah yeah yeah it's making it's making makes a story.

[264] It's really, really good.

[265] It's really good.

[266] All right, well, thank you so much.

[267] Great meeting both of you.

[268] Okay, take care.

[269] Bye.

[270] Well, of course, there's no men in this list.

[271] Well, they could have one.

[272] Because of a girlfriend or something.

[273] We'd be making love to your partner and look down at me. Do you think there's a gunshot?

[274] I wouldn't feel good about that.

[275] You wouldn't feel good about that.

[276] Hi.

[277] Hi.

[278] And you're in your closet.

[279] You got those good headphones.

[280] We love those.

[281] Air Max.

[282] I swear by them.

[283] Okay.

[284] So, you you had some period hyjinks?

[285] Yes.

[286] When you started this whole podcast, I was like, I only have one super embarrassing story that is even worth telling.

[287] And it's about my first period.

[288] And I've just been waiting for you guys to bring this up, honestly.

[289] It started first day of junior high.

[290] Wait, first day of class.

[291] Perfectly timed first day of class.

[292] This is cruel.

[293] So I go to school.

[294] It's just a normal day.

[295] I go to the locker room because we have our first day of volleyball practice.

[296] In sixth grade, first time changing, everyone's like, all shy.

[297] Then we go out to volleyball practice.

[298] Ten minutes in, we're like stretching.

[299] And when I say stretching, I mean the whole sitting on the ground, putting out our legs, reaching for toes.

[300] Opening hips.

[301] Bending over.

[302] Yeah, the whole ordeal.

[303] Bending over.

[304] Touching your toes.

[305] And I get about 10, 15 minutes in, and I just feel sweaty is how I was thinking of it.

[306] You know, I was just like, oh, man, like, what happened?

[307] Did I pee my pants?

[308] Oh, sure.

[309] That's what I was feeling.

[310] And so I was like, can I go to the bathroom?

[311] They said, sure.

[312] I run in there, pull down pants.

[313] Sure enough.

[314] First time, I freak out at first because I was not prepared.

[315] I don't have any older sisters that talk about these things.

[316] So, like, I was just full on, what is this?

[317] Wait, okay, wait.

[318] So did you not know it was a period?

[319] At first I was like, oh, my God, something's wrong with me. I'm dying.

[320] Yeah.

[321] You're bleeding internally, which you are.

[322] Yep.

[323] And I thought I was dead.

[324] Maybe from the stretching.

[325] It was from 10 minutes of volleyball practice was too much.

[326] You have an opportunity for a spurious conclusion, which is like you were just opening your hips and doing this and that.

[327] You might have torn something, a fissure.

[328] Yeah.

[329] No, but then I came to a logical conclusion.

[330] This is probably my first period.

[331] And I was like, this is fabulous.

[332] I don't have obviously tampons pads.

[333] I go to a super small private Catholic school and we just don't talk about those things.

[334] Girls only school, though?

[335] No, boys.

[336] Oh, right.

[337] I did the toilet paper method, if you will.

[338] We just went over this.

[339] Walk us through that and spare no detail because I was just asking the particulars of the strategy.

[340] Honestly, I just took the roll out and I just took my underwear and I just wrapped it all the way around.

[341] See?

[342] This is novel.

[343] I'm glad I asked for details because the previous person and Monica is well agreed.

[344] What they'll do is they'll make a little hot dog of toilet paper and then play.

[345] place it on the vulva.

[346] No. Not in it.

[347] I learned it not in it, but on it.

[348] But not really on it.

[349] You're laying it in your underwear as if it's a pad.

[350] A basket.

[351] Yes.

[352] It's not a basket.

[353] But I love this.

[354] She went around the gusset.

[355] Yes.

[356] It was almost a whole roll of this school's toilet paper.

[357] Oh my God.

[358] That's so smart, though, because then it can't go anywhere.

[359] It is, but it's bulky.

[360] Oh.

[361] So I go throughout an hour more volleyball practice.

[362] I go home and my mom sitting on the deck and she's like, hey, how is your first day of school?

[363] And I was like, it was horrible.

[364] I got my first period, I think.

[365] And so then she's like, all right, all right, let's sit you down.

[366] And the thing about my mom and I, we're close.

[367] I love my mom, but we're not a TMI type family.

[368] Yeah.

[369] Right.

[370] There's some modesty there.

[371] There's some uncomfortable awkwardness.

[372] Yeah, we had never talked about anything like this before.

[373] And would she be naked around you or no, probably?

[374] No. That's what I'm saying.

[375] It was just like, we're not that type of family.

[376] Yeah.

[377] So she started going into the details.

[378] She said, this is what a period is.

[379] I was like, I'm so embarrassed right now.

[380] So I just kind of ignore her.

[381] And the one thing I caught from her talking to me was her saying, some girls are tampon girls and some girls are pad girls.

[382] And I'm a tampon girl because I don't like the feeling of wearing a pad.

[383] And my head was like, oh, yeah.

[384] I felt that today.

[385] That was horrible.

[386] I don't want to feel that anymore.

[387] I'm done feeling this way.

[388] I don't want to feel this way ever again.

[389] And I still, to this day, don't like that.

[390] So I committed to that moment.

[391] I was going to be a tampon girl.

[392] I did wear a pad to bed.

[393] I hated it.

[394] So I woke up in the morning and I was like, I'm going to do a tampon.

[395] I put it in and it hurts so bad.

[396] It hurts so bad at first.

[397] But like outrageously hurts and I was like, is this really okay?

[398] All right.

[399] And so I literally hobble down.

[400] Oh, no. My mom's in the car.

[401] She sees me hobbling to the car.

[402] She's like, what's up?

[403] Oh, I have a hunch.

[404] I have a hunch.

[405] Yeah, I do too, but don't guess.

[406] I'm not going to.

[407] And I was like, I put it in a tampon.

[408] It's not a big deal.

[409] Let's just go.

[410] I was like so embarrassed.

[411] Pinch, pinch, pinch.

[412] Pinch, a discomfort.

[413] Mm -hmm.

[414] And she's like, oh, okay.

[415] Can I ask, would you put it?

[416] And I was like, what do you mean, mom?

[417] I put it where the periods come out.

[418] I don't want to talk about it anymore.

[419] And she was like, okay, did you put it kind of, you know, like in the back?

[420] And I was like, yeah, Mom, oh, my God.

[421] I put it up my ass.

[422] No. And it hurt so bad.

[423] All that, all that.

[424] I definitely thought it was going up the urethra.

[425] Oh, no. Well, hey, it wouldn't fit in urethra.

[426] I know.

[427] That's why I thought.

[428] I was like, oh, my God, the pain.

[429] The whole applicator stuck in there.

[430] I thought it was an applicator mix up, hijinks.

[431] Oh, my God.

[432] Okay, so you stuck it in your rectum, in your anus.

[433] Wow, wow, wow, wow, okay, great.

[434] Because I was going to, and I'm glad I didn't.

[435] I love it.

[436] I said, oh, it hurt so much.

[437] And then I said, oh, my God, I know it hurt so much.

[438] And then I want to, I was tempted in that moment to get a detail, but it's useless now because now I know.

[439] But I was wondering, is it the feeling of the cotton against the skin?

[440] Is it the pressure?

[441] I could not for a long time do a Tampa.

[442] Like, it wouldn't go in.

[443] It just wouldn't fit.

[444] No. Okay.

[445] But you got yours in your asshole, which is.

[446] It took me a minute.

[447] I'm sure.

[448] I was like, this is horrible.

[449] People go through this every day they have a period.

[450] I love you.

[451] I want to take care of this poor 12 year old.

[452] This is so shitty.

[453] Six little six graders having to deal with this.

[454] I mean.

[455] I got a reverse engineer all this, though.

[456] So then my question is, the previous day when you saw the blood, did you think it was coming out of your ass?

[457] I don't know.

[458] I think I was just like so grossed out.

[459] I didn't want to know anything about it.

[460] You're like, that's the hole that I feel.

[461] Yeah, I was like, that's it.

[462] I found it.

[463] Horrible.

[464] Like I said, I went to Catholic school.

[465] Nothing was explained to us.

[466] Ignorance is bliss.

[467] Ignorance is not bliss in this case.

[468] What I don't understand is I had blood on my pants in the locker room and not a single person.

[469] ever mentioned it to me during the day or since then.

[470] They might have missed it.

[471] They might have missed it.

[472] Because again, just like you don't know the difference between your butt hole and your vagina at that point, boys aren't even interested in looking down there.

[473] They thought it was probably, I sat on jelly or something.

[474] Yeah, exactly.

[475] It's New Jersey you farted.

[476] Who knows what happened.

[477] Listen, what would have been incredible if you didn't have the intervention with your mother there at the car, not only would you have this uncomfortable hunk of cotton up your ass, you also would have bled everywhere.

[478] Yeah.

[479] You would have been like, What the fuck is going on now?

[480] I guess I got to put in two.

[481] Or I got to pull this out and then there's no blood on it.

[482] You're like, what is going on?

[483] Oh, my God.

[484] I mean, she helped, but I was so embarrassed.

[485] And I'm glad it was just my mom, obviously.

[486] I can only imagine how embarrassed you were.

[487] Because you're trying to be like, I got it, mom.

[488] Shut the fuck out.

[489] Get out of my business.

[490] Pretty much.

[491] I was like, Mom, God, like stop talking about it.

[492] Yes.

[493] Did she actually say, hon, is it in your, did you put it in your bottom?

[494] Yeah, pretty much.

[495] And she was like, did you?

[496] And I was like, yeah.

[497] Yeah, I do what I'm supposed to do.

[498] She was like, no. She's like, do you need me to come out?

[499] I was like, no, I'll figure it out.

[500] Oh, let me just take another crack at this.

[501] And I did, and it was fine.

[502] You should have put one in both holes just to be double safe.

[503] Just in case.

[504] Yes, and then some tape over your re -draw.

[505] Did she tell your dad, do you think?

[506] Oh, my God, probably.

[507] What's worse is my mom knowing is my dad knowing, honestly.

[508] I know.

[509] I know.

[510] That would make me love my daughter so much.

[511] I mean, honestly, that's almost a gift because you go, oh, my God, they're the sweetest.

[512] They don't know what they're doing.

[513] They need us to help.

[514] And you don't.

[515] That's so young to be dealing with all this bullshit.

[516] I mean, it is blood everywhere.

[517] Well, and I was the first one of, like, my friend group, too.

[518] Everyone else was, like, smaller than me and thinner than me. And they got it, like, an eighth grade.

[519] Uh -huh.

[520] I couldn't even talk to any friends about it.

[521] By eighth grade, you were like a truck driver.

[522] You're like smoking cigarettes.

[523] You need a tan packs.

[524] And don't go in your ass.

[525] Just so you know, guys.

[526] Oh, my God.

[527] I just told my husband this story, literally, when I submitted it for this.

[528] And he was the first person I told.

[529] Oh, really?

[530] He's like, that's so funny that you went through that.

[531] Sad but funny.

[532] Wow, wow, wow.

[533] Well, that's great, man. Boy, that was a big surprise ending for me. That was like M. Night Chamelon.

[534] That was as good as.

[535] Six cents for me. I have a hunch that your mother put it up her butt because why didn't her mind go to what mine did and what yours did, which I would imagine percentage wise.

[536] Well, not yours, Monica.

[537] That made no anatomical sense.

[538] Well, she said it hurts so bad.

[539] But why don't you think applicator?

[540] Like, she just crammed the whole thing up there.

[541] I know what that's like.

[542] She'd have the cardboard tube in there and stuff.

[543] No, no, that doesn't, no. That was a, what?

[544] That's not a thing.

[545] Cardboard tubes are things.

[546] They're like plastic now.

[547] Okay, so plastic.

[548] But it has, it's the shape of it.

[549] You literally would not be able to do that.

[550] But what you do is I understand it, am I wrong?

[551] It's like a torpedo.

[552] You put the whole thing in there.

[553] Then you pull the applicator off the string.

[554] You push it in.

[555] With the applicator.

[556] Yes, with the end of the applicator, you use that to push the tampon up.

[557] That's what I think.

[558] So if you just then took your finger out and didn't take the applicator with it, that seems highly likely.

[559] Okay.

[560] You know, you wouldn't know to separate that.

[561] It's basically like the space shuttle.

[562] The part's supposed to break off.

[563] is it climbs altitude, which is what happens.

[564] What's up, guys?

[565] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[566] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[567] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[568] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[569] And I don't mean just friends.

[570] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[571] The list goes on.

[572] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[573] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[574] We've all been there.

[575] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[576] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[577] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[578] Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[579] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[580] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[581] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[582] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[583] Here's my hunch.

[584] Maybe we need to get your mother on the line.

[585] Oh my God, no. No. You're positive, she didn't first ask, oh, did you leave the applicator in?

[586] I honestly just remember being like, Mom, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

[587] Yeah.

[588] Maybe she caught a glimpse that I wasn't paying attention when she was telling me and was like, okay, you weren't paying attention.

[589] So, like, did you fuck it up?

[590] Yeah.

[591] Yeah, also that's true.

[592] Your mom did explain it.

[593] So your mom probably knew you weren't leaving the applicator in.

[594] Like, she probably told you about what to do.

[595] Like, you push it in and you take it out.

[596] She probably also told her, like, you have a vagina in an anus.

[597] Probably so you put it.

[598] it in the hole, but then she might know, like, oh, I wasn't as specific maybe as I should have been.

[599] And like I said, we weren't like a TMI family.

[600] So she wasn't using autonomically correct words.

[601] You just put it up there.

[602] Okay.

[603] Have fun.

[604] Yeah.

[605] Don't tell Jesus.

[606] Yeah.

[607] Oh, wow.

[608] Thank you for that story.

[609] And I know what's great.

[610] Guaranteed there's, I'm going to say minimally 10 women right now.

[611] Yeah.

[612] Laughing so hysterically grabbing their stamina because they too put it in their butt.

[613] Definitely.

[614] Yeah.

[615] There's no way that.

[616] I'm surprised I'm surprised.

[617] Maybe you were trying to put in your body.

[618] Maybe.

[619] Maybe that's why it hurts so bad.

[620] Well, I was small.

[621] Okay.

[622] Well, let me get into that.

[623] See, that's the other thing.

[624] When you're first starting your period, there's not much blood at all.

[625] Yeah.

[626] So it's not like highly lubricated.

[627] Yeah.

[628] That's why I wanted to inquire.

[629] Is it like the dry cotton?

[630] That part feels dicey.

[631] And my first tampon was a stupid paper one.

[632] That's what I'm saying with the cardboard.

[633] They said the cardboard tube.

[634] I know.

[635] I knew what you meant, but it's still, I just know no one's doing that.

[636] Listen, I used to sit in my mom's bathroom, taking a dump, and I'd be staring at these tampons.

[637] And I'd pick the box up and I'd look at it.

[638] And I just saw so much cardboard.

[639] Yeah.

[640] It's like a cardboard tube.

[641] I know they've evolved into a nice plastic set up.

[642] The plastic's so much better.

[643] And the new, new, I mean, it's like 50 years.

[644] Yes, the top is a pencil so that you can insert it a little bit better.

[645] Conical.

[646] But those other ones were just flat.

[647] I don't understand.

[648] It's like putting a firework up your vagina.

[649] I don't even know if I could do it now.

[650] Wow.

[651] With the old ones?

[652] Yeah.

[653] TBD.

[654] I'm going to order some from Soviet Union.

[655] Update forthcoming.

[656] All right, well, wonderful meeting you.

[657] Thank you so much.

[658] Bye, guys.

[659] All right, take care.

[660] That was a great story.

[661] Awesome, left turn.

[662] Definitely thought it was the urethra.

[663] Yeah, I definitely thought it was a cardboard.

[664] applicator.

[665] Here's the thing.

[666] I know we're halfway done and I don't want us to get in the fight, okay?

[667] Oh, we will.

[668] Rest assured.

[669] I don't want to do.

[670] You know.

[671] I know what you're going to talk.

[672] It's worth saying.

[673] I have no business in this.

[674] Well, you have no business challenging me. Well, I kind of did because your guess was worse than my guess.

[675] No, it wasn't.

[676] Wait, wait.

[677] It going in your urethra is a physical impossibility.

[678] And in my opinion Leaving an applicator in I bet if we put out the how many people put it up to the applicant But 2 ,000 people would write in No, you'd have to be so drunk At 12?

[679] No, that's what I'm saying A 12 year old wouldn't I could see you thinking you just put that whole thing That comes out of the package up there That makes sense to me Okay, it's too big It wouldn't fit You gotta put some elbow grease into it No, that's not, it would not fit Smothering KY jelly No. Okay.

[680] This is my whole fun.

[681] I know.

[682] I know.

[683] I have no business.

[684] All right.

[685] Emily, here comes Emily.

[686] I hope this is an applicator story.

[687] You have business, but you just can't challenge me. I have to.

[688] It's my oath I took.

[689] Oh, my God.

[690] Yeah, I took an oath.

[691] Hi, Emily.

[692] We're already having so much fun.

[693] We're already in a fight.

[694] We've listened to two stories and Monica thinks I have no business challenging her.

[695] I mean, talk about mansplaining or doing it.

[696] What?

[697] I'm going to ask if it's okay with you.

[698] Sure.

[699] I want Rob to present the two guesses at why someone's tampon hurt.

[700] Please.

[701] For science.

[702] All right.

[703] Option one.

[704] She accidentally stuck the applicator fully up.

[705] Or option two, she put the tampon in her urethra.

[706] Both of these are terrible.

[707] One of them actually made your face crinkle up, though.

[708] I mean, the urethra one is...

[709] See?

[710] You think that...

[711] Which one of those guesses is more plausible?

[712] For why someone's in extreme pain.

[713] The urethra.

[714] It's got to be.

[715] Yes!

[716] Good job, Monica.

[717] See how graceful I was?

[718] Yeah, thank you.

[719] Yeah, great job.

[720] All right, those were our guesses.

[721] Turns out we were wrong about both.

[722] Neither of those things was the reason that there was the extreme pain.

[723] They both sound like they wouldn't be happening in a normal world anyway.

[724] Yeah, okay.

[725] Yeah, and it wasn't.

[726] Yeah.

[727] What's your guess?

[728] I mean, maybe that's a little more realistic if, like, you forgot about it?

[729] I think you need for context.

[730] This was the person's very first time using a tampon.

[731] Oh.

[732] I think I would go maybe urethro, even though I can't imagine that happening.

[733] Well, and with the laws of Newtonian physics, I don't think that could happen.

[734] But guess what it was?

[735] What?

[736] She put it in her butthole.

[737] I actually thought that, and I was like, I don't know.

[738] Maybe that's too easy.

[739] That's too easy, baby.

[740] And would it hurt that much, though, I guess?

[741] See, that's honestly why I didn't go there.

[742] because of course it would hurt, but the way she was describing the pain, to me, that could only have been, like, so impossible.

[743] Like when they put a catheter in, gang, the catheter, you know, is just that tiny little tube.

[744] And it's, like, almost impossible to get that catheter in the urethra.

[745] I know.

[746] But the butt, I mean.

[747] Why am I so out to lunch on this, Emily, that, like, you have this applicator.

[748] If no one's taught you what to do, you pull it out of the wrapping, it's one piece, unless you separate it, it's one piece.

[749] It feels like a very simple mistake.

[750] you just put the whole thing in there and walk away i do agree with that and it's very tricky the first time you're very nervous you know what you're doing if no one's showed you how to do this or talk to you about it that was the case there's usually numerous attempts that happen first try well certainly once you do it you're like oh that was easy you know yeah it's a joy once you can get it done okay i mean again congratulations i did not see that coming i really am happy happy for you.

[751] Truly.

[752] Victory is yours.

[753] Okay, so tell us about your period hijinks, if you will.

[754] Well, it involves tampons, actually, so it's a good start.

[755] So I had just moved down to North Carolina from Philly, and I had moved to live in with my girlfriend.

[756] And it was the first week of my new job.

[757] Can I quickly ask what age you are at the time of the story?

[758] It was probably like 28 or 29.

[759] So you've been using?

[760] tampons for 20 years or 12 years, yeah.

[761] Okay.

[762] Yeah, I'm a pro.

[763] So I come back from work my first week and I see that my dog, skunky, has gotten into the bathroom trash.

[764] Now, this particular week, I am at the end of my period.

[765] So I have had a full week's worth of bathroom trash, which is a particular type of trash, right?

[766] Like, it's just used tampons.

[767] It could be labeled medical waste.

[768] Yes.

[769] It feels very close to that, for sure.

[770] It's disgusting.

[771] Don't look at it.

[772] Just throw it away.

[773] Move on.

[774] It's sort of like this crime scene.

[775] It's a mess.

[776] It's terrible.

[777] And I can't tell what's been eaten.

[778] Of course, I'm worried about my dog, right?

[779] Did my dog just eat a week's worth of used tampons?

[780] And I now have to go to the vet and have the vet fish out all these tampons.

[781] I googled and they said, as long as her behavior's fine and she's eating.

[782] eating.

[783] It's no big deal.

[784] Just wait for it to naturally pass.

[785] So I go to work the next day, forget about it.

[786] It comes to Friday and my girlfriend had said, hey, to celebrate, why don't I pick you up from work?

[787] I'll be the designated driver.

[788] We'll go out to a bar after.

[789] We'll celebrate.

[790] I'm leaving work and I'm trotting out with my new co -worker who is, I can tell, super cool.

[791] So I have no friends in North Carolina.

[792] I got my eyes on her.

[793] I'm thinking, we're going to hit it off.

[794] We're going to be friends.

[795] And we're walking and she's kind of like, Oh, what do you up to you next?

[796] And I said, oh, I'm going to go to happy hour.

[797] Do you want to join my girlfriend and I?

[798] She said, oh, sure, I'd love to.

[799] And we get to the parking lot and my girlfriend's waiting and she's brought skunky with her.

[800] It's pretty typical, I think, because at least in North Carolina, there's a lot of outdoor seating and the bars they let you bring the dogs in.

[801] I don't think anything of it.

[802] Bathroom trash is nowhere in my mind.

[803] There's like half a dozen picnic tables between the street and the bar.

[804] And they're filled.

[805] It's happy hour.

[806] Friday afternoon, beautiful, you know, the sun is setting.

[807] This is drinking at its best.

[808] It doesn't get better than what you're painting right now.

[809] It's so crowded.

[810] People are standing, waiting for picnic tables.

[811] There's music.

[812] It's beautiful.

[813] Yeah.

[814] And we get out of the car and we're about six feet from the front picnic table and skunky squats.

[815] And I know immediately what's happening.

[816] It's laser focused.

[817] I am fully aware.

[818] We're in this now.

[819] And she very slowly starts straining out.

[820] No. No. This tampon's coming out so slowly.

[821] String first.

[822] String first.

[823] Coming out as it went in.

[824] Yeah.

[825] I'm screaming.

[826] I'm so mortified, but I'm laughing also so hard.

[827] I'm crying.

[828] I'm yelling, look away.

[829] Don't look.

[830] I'm yelling into my coworker who doesn't know me. And like my dog is shit.

[831] getting string first, a tampon is coming out.

[832] Oh, my God.

[833] She gets the tampon out, and there's a second one right behind.

[834] Oh.

[835] Can I pause you for half a second?

[836] Yeah.

[837] I mean, a good part of me thinks, like, I have children, and I've, you know, been a part of a lot of their bowel movements.

[838] Part of me would be like, I got to grab that string and help here.

[839] Well, Dax.

[840] Oh.

[841] I'm coming.

[842] Okay, okay, okay.

[843] Okay, we're getting there.

[844] When gravity doesn't help.

[845] You help you.

[846] Okay.

[847] So number one comes out on its own.

[848] It is hard fought for, but it does come out.

[849] Yeah, I wouldn't say it slipped out, but it definitely like came out within reason.

[850] Second one, a little more straining's going on.

[851] It's going in.

[852] It's coming out.

[853] Oh.

[854] Actions happening.

[855] Sure, whack -a -mole.

[856] I make the move, obviously.

[857] I'm a compassionate person.

[858] I like, you know, with the bag on my hand, I start helping the situation.

[859] So I'm now plucking my own use.

[860] tampon out of my dog.

[861] Oh, my God.

[862] In front of an entire bar of people.

[863] Oh, my God.

[864] And then she shit out eight more tampon.

[865] No. Oh, my God.

[866] A lot of questions.

[867] How long from start to finish was this evacuation?

[868] Well, I think, like, time stood still in its own way, but probably it was two or three minutes.

[869] Were partygoers?

[870] Were they starting to notice or was it just your girlfriend, your coworker?

[871] Well, they were screaming.

[872] I mean, a lot was going on.

[873] I kept my back to the crowd.

[874] So I knew if I turned around, I would have to, like, face the situation I was in.

[875] Yeah, well, and that was my second line of thinking was, if I'm you and Skunky gets two out, I think, well, that's got to be it.

[876] And then when I see a third, at some point, I'm like, I need to pick Skunky up and take him or her somewhere private.

[877] But I would be thinking it's got to be over though.

[878] And then when it gets to the sixth one, I'd be like, I'm going mad.

[879] Yeah, yeah.

[880] Like, is there 12 coming?

[881] Some are coming out, like, faster than others, I guess.

[882] And I will say, like, if you have a dog and they are squatting and they're, like, giving you the face, they're not going to move.

[883] Do I risk dragging the squatting tampon -filled dog away from the crowd?

[884] Or do I try and, like, get big and hide what's happening?

[885] You probably did the right thing.

[886] box out get low what's the make and model of this canine she was a real sweet angel she was a mega mutt mix about 50 pounds boxer and chow chow okay first of all you're lucky that dog didn't eat anyone that's a wild combo chow chow chow's which we had they're fucking vicious yeah she was a gym yeah 50 pounds too much i was weirdly picturing wait can i ask monica before i don't want to lead the witness did you make a mental picture of what kind of dog was because i have a very specific dog i pictured a very small dog actually.

[887] I pictured a pug.

[888] You thought a pug too?

[889] Oh my God, this whole time I'm like, it's certainly a pug.

[890] I can see a pug doing this whole thing.

[891] But a pug would have a hard time getting eight tampons.

[892] You have delicious tampons.

[893] That's one thing we know for sure.

[894] The intestine just like lined up in the intestine.

[895] Yeah, I imagine like a little train.

[896] Exactly.

[897] Yeah, like those real simple trains as a kid where they stick together with a little magnet or wood.

[898] Or like a runway show when all the models are like lined up ready to come out.

[899] That's what it was.

[900] And what's wild is Stunky had one.

[901] I was like, I want more of that.

[902] I want seven more.

[903] These are delicious.

[904] I was told that dogs sometimes do that to protect the owner.

[905] I guess, like you're not supposed to be wounded.

[906] I don't know if this is made up.

[907] I think this needs a fact check.

[908] You know, people get a little wild with what they think dogs can do, don't they?

[909] I think she's probably just mad at me. Like, I went back to work.

[910] Oh, yeah.

[911] Oh, my God.

[912] Also, I'm surprised dogs can't get TSS.

[913] Well, that's different, though.

[914] I guess, but it's in their body, like, leaching out chemical.

[915] But that's where you want it.

[916] You want it in the stomach and the intestines where all the acids can break down that bacteria.

[917] Here's another hot take.

[918] I know people thought she was protecting your safety because you're wounded, which how shameful they're saying you're wounded.

[919] It's beautiful.

[920] Anyways.

[921] Of course.

[922] Could have been an act of great jealousy.

[923] Maybe junkie was watching.

[924] You for years used those things.

[925] And she wants to be a woman, just like the robot wants to be a boy.

[926] Oh, yeah.

[927] And she's like, I want damn ones, too.

[928] But I can't put one up, so I have to swallow it.

[929] That's right, and hope it lands in there.

[930] I mean, she had the experience.

[931] I mean, they were coming out string first.

[932] What was her mood afterwards, like light and elated or, like, traumatized?

[933] Yeah, you know how they, like, do that little jazzy freedom dance when they've lightened the load?

[934] That was sort of what was happening.

[935] What a good girl.

[936] Poor girl.

[937] Oh, my good girl.

[938] God.

[939] She handled it like a champ.

[940] That's insane.

[941] If I saw that in a script, I'd be like, no way.

[942] What?

[943] Three tops.

[944] You can do three.

[945] I don't even think I'm like three, but not eight.

[946] You'll lose the audience at five.

[947] Oh, wow.

[948] That's hilarious.

[949] Emily, that's phenomenal.

[950] That's going to be the craziest thing that's ever happened to you.

[951] I have crazy stories.

[952] Okay.

[953] I've thought many times of writing into you guys.

[954] I was going to say, well, maybe we'll be talking to you a bunch over the coming years.

[955] Yeah.

[956] It was very embarrassing, but so funny.

[957] I'd argue, too, it was a great litmus test for the coworker.

[958] Like, if the coworker is sticking around after that, you've got a friend.

[959] Yeah, she was giddy.

[960] Like, she loved it.

[961] She actually told me later it was one of the best things that ever happened to her.

[962] So we were fast friends after that.

[963] She's a little evil, a little weird, so we got along just fine.

[964] Wonderful.

[965] Oh, that's great.

[966] I mean, you're a Yankee lesbian with a dog -shitting tampons.

[967] Like, you came out of the gates hot.

[968] Yeah, yeah.

[969] What's not to love?

[970] Oh, I applaud it in every way.

[971] Emily, so great meeting.

[972] You're an incredible story.

[973] Thank you for telling us that.

[974] Thank you so much.

[975] Good luck with your tampon stories.

[976] Thank you.

[977] Take care.

[978] Bye.

[979] Wow.

[980] But that was pretty incredible.

[981] It overdelivered for me because I guess my imagination isn't good enough to have gone to those places.

[982] Same.

[983] Yeah.

[984] I was worried and hopeful that we would get a TSS story, but that worked out.

[985] Yeah.

[986] TSS one's rough.

[987] Not TSS, not TSS.

[988] But somebody who had a tampon stuck in for a long time and then Had it retrieved in the nick of time.

[989] Well, yeah, they didn't get TSS.

[990] But they had it in for four weeks.

[991] That's what I wish.

[992] That was your wish.

[993] That's what happened to me. And then yours just disappeared.

[994] Your body just absorbed it at some point.

[995] Wow.

[996] I have a story.

[997] Oh, here we go.

[998] It came up while we were listening to this and I thought, oh, I should.

[999] And then, no, I'm not going to share that.

[1000] That's too gross.

[1001] But I have to those ones.

[1002] I do.

[1003] I do.

[1004] I owe it.

[1005] Okay.

[1006] This is so embarrassing.

[1007] Oh, wonderful.

[1008] I must have been in seventh or eighth grade.

[1009] I started my period in seventh grade.

[1010] Maybe I was in eighth.

[1011] Because by then I had learned how to put in a tampon.

[1012] Was Nirmie easy to talk to about it?

[1013] She wasn't hard to talk to about it, but she didn't use tampons.

[1014] Okay.

[1015] So she couldn't help me really.

[1016] She's the one that had those cardboard ones that I was trying to use and I couldn't use.

[1017] No wonder she didn't stick with them.

[1018] Exactly.

[1019] And she had the same experience you did.

[1020] Exactly.

[1021] So she just had pads.

[1022] And at some point I was like, I'm not doing this.

[1023] Like, I'm a cool, popular girl.

[1024] See, that's what I was going to ask you.

[1025] I'm always afraid to talk about this topic a little bit.

[1026] Yeah.

[1027] Go ahead.

[1028] Again, I'm imagining I'm a woman.

[1029] I would be like, maxi pads are for dorks.

[1030] This is what I'm scared of.

[1031] Yeah, it's okay to be scared of it.

[1032] But I'm just being honest with you.

[1033] You think that because that.

[1034] That's what the culture said.

[1035] But I responded to culture.

[1036] Right.

[1037] So I'm just saying.

[1038] Yeah, I'd be like, oh, that's child's plate.

[1039] You want to really solve this.

[1040] You go tampon.

[1041] No, I think there's like, ew, pads.

[1042] There's like a thing around it.

[1043] And it's cultural.

[1044] I think it's changing now.

[1045] I don't know what goddamn thing about it.

[1046] It seems healthier to let it flow out of your body and collect.

[1047] Yeah.

[1048] It's not healthy to have cotton up there.

[1049] I mean, it's just.

[1050] thing.

[1051] Yeah.

[1052] It's not great.

[1053] But I needed to.

[1054] I couldn't be a cheerleader and wear a pad.

[1055] A big old pad.

[1056] No. This is going against everything I've worked so hard for.

[1057] But I loved in I may destroy you the embracing of the pad.

[1058] It was everywhere.

[1059] It was stuck in underwear during hookup scenes and they were showing it a lot.

[1060] I was like, that's right.

[1061] Own it.

[1062] But it also could be cultural.

[1063] I wonder in England it might not be the same.

[1064] Tampons might not be as big of a thing.

[1065] We don't know.

[1066] But anyway, my timing of life, tampons were for cool kids and pads were not.

[1067] So my hunch was right.

[1068] Well, yeah, you were part of the problem.

[1069] Boys.

[1070] One would make me feel like I was in a dipe and I was a baby.

[1071] No, but you either would make me feel like I was a woman?

[1072] Who would you think was sexier?

[1073] A girl with a tampon or a girl with a pet at that age?

[1074] Say you're honest.

[1075] Say you're honest.

[1076] I can't say that I had an opinion at that age, to be honest.

[1077] I'm telling you.

[1078] If you pull down somebody.

[1079] What haven't I told you?

[1080] I know, but I'm just asking you to be really.

[1081] I pulled down.

[1082] I pull down someone's guest jeans.

[1083] I think you're just excited to pull down the band.

[1084] No, you're not.

[1085] Stop, you guys.

[1086] You're not at that age.

[1087] All right, so I pull down the pants.

[1088] First of all, whether it's a tampon or a maxi pad, the girl's not letting you pull her pants down on her period.

[1089] You just do it.

[1090] At eighth grade.

[1091] No, I'm not like that.

[1092] You're not conscious before me too.

[1093] So you pull it down.

[1094] The question is, what would I rather, yeah, if I got to stumble into one or the other.

[1095] Exactly.

[1096] You're pulling down in underwear and there's an open pad with blood everywhere?

[1097] Well, you're also seeing the blood and all the...

[1098] Exactly!

[1099] Okay, yeah, it's more discreet.

[1100] We could argue that.

[1101] Boys, I knew at that age.

[1102] I guess I won't rope you two into it.

[1103] Well, just be careful how you paint me. You're painting with a broad brush.

[1104] You can't act like you're so superior to all these other boys in this country who are doing that.

[1105] I'm not.

[1106] Okay.

[1107] I'm not.

[1108] But I've always been...

[1109] You have been a vault.

[1110] You're evolved.

[1111] Well, I mean, especially in that.

[1112] I don't care about a period.

[1113] I know.

[1114] But yes, but I know what you're saying.

[1115] And yes, I guess I would have preferred to see a little cute string dangling out.

[1116] Yeah, yeah.

[1117] Hi.

[1118] At that age, you know.

[1119] And understandably, everyone's just figuring out stuff and to pull down someone's underwear and then there's like this dip with blood everywhere.

[1120] Sure.

[1121] No one wants that.

[1122] Anyway, so for girls, that's what we're dealing with.

[1123] It's like you got to be cool and cute and wear a tampon.

[1124] So eventually I learned.

[1125] And then I was at my friend's house.

[1126] Can I ask really quickly?

[1127] Were you and your girlfriend's not talking about it?

[1128] We were.

[1129] Oh, okay, okay, we did.

[1130] I think that's how I really learned.

[1131] I think my friend probably helped me or something.

[1132] So one time I was at her house and I was on my period.

[1133] I went to the bathroom and I took out the tampon and I replaced it.

[1134] And then I washed up, boop, boop, leave.

[1135] And then eight minutes later or something, she goes to the bathroom.

[1136] And then she comes out, and she was like, um, I was like, uh -oh, what's happened?

[1137] And she was nervous to tell me. Yeah, she didn't want to embarrass you.

[1138] Yeah.

[1139] But she was like.

[1140] They don't go in the medicine cabinet when you're done with them.

[1141] No, but kind of.

[1142] I left it.

[1143] In the toilet?

[1144] No. On the sink?

[1145] Yeah.

[1146] Oh.

[1147] Yeah.

[1148] Oh, wow.

[1149] Okay.

[1150] It's so bad.

[1151] I mean, on toilet paper, I think.

[1152] I mean, I don't remember.

[1153] I blocked so much of it out.

[1154] What did she say to you?

[1155] I don't remember.

[1156] They don't go on the sink.

[1157] No, she just said like, I think it got left.

[1158] or something and then I think I probably blamed it on a cat or she did I remember blowing it over by it was probably the cat that had removed it from the waist basket put it on the sink yes okay on toilet paper I don't know I don't know but anyway and then I had to go and I cleaned it all up with soap obviously this reminds me of one of my favorite Bree stories which is when she was little she went into her bathroom and some woman whether it was her mother or an aunt some of those using the bathroom at her house had left a tampon floating in the water and she had no idea what it was she saw it she started screaming bloody murder and she ran into the other room and she said there's a bloody bone in the toilet she thought someone's bone and falling out of the toilet it was bloody there's a bloody bone in toilet yeah but yeah it was It's really embarrassing.

[1159] I love you.

[1160] I'm glad you made it.

[1161] I'm sorry you've had to go through all this stuff, you know.

[1162] So much stuff.

[1163] You got a whole podcast about it, you know?

[1164] A lot of stuff that I don't have to deal with.

[1165] Tampons, maxis with wings.

[1166] I never understood the wings.

[1167] And then there's a heavy flow and a light flow.

[1168] And on days that it's a light flow.

[1169] That's for tampons.

[1170] And probably for wings.

[1171] You don't need wings when you're on your light.

[1172] I feel like wings allows...

[1173] It's for your thighs.

[1174] No, it goes around.

[1175] It's kind of like what the girl said.

[1176] It goes around.

[1177] I found the underwear.

[1178] Oh, my God.

[1179] That's what the wings do.

[1180] Oh, I thought they were like on your thighs.

[1181] No. Catch anything that dripped on your thighs.

[1182] That makes sense, too.

[1183] No, I don't know what the deal is.

[1184] I was using the vulva as a taco shell or a hot dog one before, but maybe the wings become a taco show you wrap around your vulva.

[1185] That makes sense.

[1186] You right, Rob?

[1187] It makes sense from like bigger lips.

[1188] It's all fun and games.

[1189] I think that's what they're for, Monica.

[1190] Okay.

[1191] I love you.

[1192] I love you.

[1193] Go hang out with some girls.

[1194] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1195] I want to sing a tune or something?

[1196] Oh.

[1197] Okay, great.

[1198] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[1199] We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our Jerry's book, it's suggestion on the flyer rhyme dish on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy follow armchair expert on the Wondry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.