Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Kaylee Quoco.
[1] And I feel suspicious about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[2] Suspicious, Mark.
[3] Well, you know, I've been here before.
[4] You asked him back a second time, so I'm thinking maybe the first time didn't go so well.
[5] This is a sting operation.
[6] This is what I'm wondering.
[7] You have not paid your taxes in four years.
[8] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, Books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[9] Because I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[10] Hey there.
[11] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[12] And what are you laughing about?
[13] Well, you know, often when you come right in with a, hey there.
[14] Sonan and I just exchange a look.
[15] Like, is he going to make it through?
[16] How's this going to go?
[17] That makes me self -conscious.
[18] Well, that's even better.
[19] And then I can't roll.
[20] through.
[21] Oh, no. Now we won't look at each other.
[22] Well, I might want to put up some kind of curtain or something for the open and then it slowly rises so that you can see each other once I've gotten through the open.
[23] But it is distracting.
[24] Okay, sorry.
[25] And we need to run this like a professional organization.
[26] Take it again.
[27] We won't do anything.
[28] No, no. I just want to tell you that, hey there.
[29] Welcome to Conan.
[30] O 'Brien needs a friend.
[31] I do need a friend.
[32] Always a need of a friend.
[33] You can't have too many friends.
[34] Actually, not true.
[35] You can have too many friends.
[36] Yeah.
[37] Who?
[38] I just, you know, if you had like, don't you find that sometimes?
[39] Like, you get to a certain stage of life and someone is kind of interested maybe in being your friend and you think, I'm all set.
[40] It's true.
[41] I'm set until the grave.
[42] Or unless some of them dies, the older you get, the smaller your circle needs to be.
[43] I have told people, I like you.
[44] You seem like a nice person.
[45] I would be your friend, but I need for one of my friends to die.
[46] That's what you told me. Yeah.
[47] Yeah.
[48] No, I, but I didn't say you'd ever be a friend.
[49] No. That was just, I say that was the acquaintance list.
[50] You could be an acquaintance of mine if an acquaintance dies.
[51] But Sona, right?
[52] Do you agree with what I'm saying?
[53] You don't have room.
[54] You have, you have twins.
[55] You have Tack, Tachsian.
[56] You don't have.
[57] That's name.
[58] Okay.
[59] Yeah.
[60] Well, whatever.
[61] No, not whatever.
[62] That's just not his name.
[63] You can't just say whatever.
[64] Do you know for years?
[65] I thought that was his name.
[66] I know.
[67] I think there's people who probably Is it Tac Tach Tachsusorian?
[68] Okay.
[69] I don't know.
[70] I'm honestly asking you what his last name is.
[71] You know what his last name is.
[72] I don't.
[73] I don't know his last name.
[74] It's Broyan.
[75] What?
[76] God.
[77] Oh, man. Okay.
[78] Well, anyway.
[79] Let's go back to the friend thing.
[80] Okay.
[81] What I'm saying is you have a full plate.
[82] You've got two children.
[83] Yeah.
[84] You've got tack last name, whatever he wants to say it is.
[85] You've got, I know, I know your friends.
[86] Piss.
[87] Right.
[88] Yeah.
[89] That's true.
[90] Christina, who I've called Piss, Veronica, Angie, you know, Erica, Megan, Lindsay.
[91] Right.
[92] You have a lot of friends.
[93] Yeah.
[94] Yeah.
[95] So if another person, who I've called Piss.
[96] came along at this point and said, hey, I want to be your friend and have some time with you, would you tell them, I'm full up?
[97] No, I wouldn't.
[98] And you know what?
[99] I actually made a friend recently.
[100] And we went to the Huntington Library together.
[101] And we had a really lovely day and we had lunch and it was really nice.
[102] Is this an affair or a friend?
[103] No, she's my friend.
[104] She's my friend now.
[105] We'll like text everyone for a while.
[106] But how did you meet?
[107] She's Armenian.
[108] She's a comedian.
[109] Her name's Mary and she's really funny.
[110] And, you know, we just ran into each other at a lot of different events.
[111] And she's Cool.
[112] I like her.
[113] Do your current friends resent at all that you've taken on a new friend?
[114] No. Friends don't think like that.
[115] No, that's not how friends work.
[116] They don't get mad that you have more friends.
[117] What kind of friends do you have?
[118] The people that really like keep track of this stuff.
[119] Okay.
[120] Really keep track of our friends.
[121] Yeah.
[122] Well, that's all I have.
[123] I'm sorry.
[124] But no, I don't want to share you.
[125] No, I don't.
[126] I, well, you understand what I'm saying.
[127] Don't you, Matt, that at a certain point, you're set.
[128] You've got your friends.
[129] In a sense, I do.
[130] Yeah, you've got your friends.
[131] No, I don't understand this at all.
[132] I'm saying I'm open to more friends, but you got to be a banger.
[133] You know what I mean?
[134] Right.
[135] You really got a real corker.
[136] Like, you got to come in dancing.
[137] Right.
[138] You got to have real good Spiro Agnew memorabilia.
[139] Exactly.
[140] You have to have a lute that's in tune.
[141] You need to have your shit together.
[142] And that's how I feel, which is you can come to me. You can ask me if you want to be my friend, but you got to bring something to the table.
[143] Because at this point, you know, you know my friends.
[144] got a big posse.
[145] Yeah.
[146] You know, I've got a big, I rolled deep with a lot of friends.
[147] Yeah.
[148] Three to four people.
[149] Why are we doing this podcast?
[150] It's called Conan O 'Brien meets a friend.
[151] Yes, but what isn't, what I think what should be implied is let's see if you make it.
[152] Oh, okay.
[153] What do you think the, like, series finale of this podcast is, is there a friend for you?
[154] Do you bring one of these people in and finally announce, I've had you in a number of times, you're the one.
[155] You're the friend.
[156] Oh, so we should make it like The Bachelor.
[157] Kind of.
[158] Like I should hand a rose.
[159] When this thing finally comes to the end, which I hope isn't for a long, long time, months from now, I think I should hand a road.
[160] Or a slate of corned beef.
[161] Are you going to have an overnight and then, like, go to their hometown and meet their families and stuff, too?
[162] I've never watched these shows.
[163] Is that what happens?
[164] That's what happened.
[165] When you say there's an overnight, do they have sex?
[166] I mean, that's implied.
[167] They have sex on television.
[168] No, no, the cameras aren't on.
[169] The cameras aren't on, but it's implied.
[170] And there's like rose petals on the bed.
[171] and then they're like, you know, they start making out.
[172] Is that sexy to have rose petals on the bed?
[173] I mean, I personally would not like it.
[174] What do you put on it?
[175] See, I got, I fucked up.
[176] Like succulents, like cactus?
[177] Yeah, for Eliza once, I was trying to be romantic.
[178] And I went and there was just a shrub.
[179] There was a shrub that I saw on your high.
[180] It was like a phycus.
[181] And I just pulled it out.
[182] And I remember when I pulled it out and then my hands broke out in these big sores.
[183] But then I just threw it all over the bed.
[184] And she said, how is it?
[185] this sexy and I said, come on!
[186] This is what people do.
[187] It's a fucking shrub.
[188] What dirt do you have on this woman that you got her to marry?
[189] I don't know.
[190] I definitely married up.
[191] Did it have the roots and like the dirt?
[192] There was soil all over the bed.
[193] Oh man. Come on.
[194] That's not sexy.
[195] And also a traffic sign that was nearby.
[196] It said deer crossing and it was rusty and that came out too.
[197] Oh no. And so that was just up near the pillow.
[198] Yeah.
[199] And then the deer didn't, no one was slowing down for the deer.
[200] The deer were like, this should be okay?
[201] There's a sign.
[202] Lump!
[203] Antler jelly all over the place.
[204] I love deer going, it should be fine, there's a sign.
[205] And then the other deer's like, should we check that it's still there?
[206] And the first deer is like, who would move a deer crossing sign?
[207] There's only shrubbery here.
[208] There aren't roses.
[209] Here I go with no peripheral vision.
[210] Lump!
[211] Get your deer jelly.
[212] Catla jelly, nose jelly, hoof jelly.
[213] We've got it all.
[214] Come on, don't kill the deer.
[215] That's not sexy.
[216] Don't do the shrubs.
[217] All right.
[218] Now you tell me. Now you tell me. This was after we had already had two children.
[219] Nonsense.
[220] Fortunately, my two kids had already come along when I tried the shrub.
[221] Hey, threw a shrub on the bed.
[222] Let's do it.
[223] Well, there's no transition here.
[224] There never is.
[225] My guest today starred on the hit CBS series, The Big Bang Theory, and the Mac series, the flight attendant.
[226] Now you can see her in the new prime video movie role play.
[227] Very excited to talk to her.
[228] I really love talking to this woman.
[229] She's lovely.
[230] Kaylee Cuoco, welcome.
[231] There was a little bit of, I guess, a kerfuffle when you pulled in.
[232] No, let me just tell you what I had to deal with.
[233] I just told me if I can fire.
[234] All I want to do is fire people.
[235] I know.
[236] I want to watch you fire people.
[237] So this is, last time I came, this was not here.
[238] I was at a, you were at a different place.
[239] This is our facility that we've had for about two years now.
[240] And you came, I think you were the first person that came during.
[241] The height of COVID.
[242] The height of COVID, you came in.
[243] In person.
[244] In person, coughing on everyone.
[245] Well, I didn't think COVID was real.
[246] So I was like, here I am.
[247] I came in, didn't care.
[248] That was a different place because this place wasn't done yet.
[249] But this is my James Bond evil lair.
[250] it's definitely, it's definitely evil.
[251] Well, I drove in and, you know, they say, they're like, drive in and they're going to have a parking spot for you.
[252] Now, I drive a huge car, like an obnoxious car.
[253] And so they go, oh, you just pull your car right behind Conan's right there.
[254] That shiny blue, gorgeous Tesla.
[255] And it's like, four inches to get by your car.
[256] And I was like, I can't hit Conan's car.
[257] I couldn't park there.
[258] So I left the facility and I parked myself in a parking garage.
[259] on Larchmont.
[260] So if you're going to validate this for me, I'm going to owe a lot of money when I leave.
[261] Because of this bullshit parking situation.
[262] I'm going to be honest with you.
[263] We're in a wonderful facility, beautiful facility, as you will attest, gorgeous.
[264] And we do editing here for this TV show I'm doing for HBO Max, and we can do podcasts here.
[265] We make our own honey and we make ale here.
[266] We run medieval fairs out of this place.
[267] There's a birthing center There's a birthing center I wish I would have known that And I'm a doula Yeah Wow Well I mean I say I am I don't really know what's going on I'm the worst doula I'm the worst doula I'm like what's happening This is disgusting Vomiting everywhere Who said there'd be fluids He doesn't want to look at the vagina Oh no Don't even talk about it When's the stork coming I was told There was a stork You'd be the best, Dula.
[268] We'd be laughing so hard.
[269] But, no, we have this great facility.
[270] And you can chime in because Adam, Adam Sachs is here, and he's one of the fellow masterminds of this whole thing.
[271] But there's not a lot of parking.
[272] No. There really isn't.
[273] I mean, sometimes there's no parking for me. And you'd think I would have parking.
[274] What's going on?
[275] Now, you have a nice comfortable space, don't you?
[276] I get here first.
[277] You get here.
[278] That's what's an incentive to get here really early so that I get a spot.
[279] And if you're a guest, get here early, too.
[280] He's got a spot.
[281] And so I pulled in and, first of all, I was hoping that you would hit me because.
[282] Because that would great.
[283] Well, you've got that big bang money.
[284] You know, I mean, you're a big success.
[285] And I would quickly run out and pretend that I was in the car.
[286] Oh, yeah.
[287] And be like, my neck.
[288] My neck.
[289] Quoco!
[290] Gwoco!
[291] See, I knew that.
[292] That's why I parked in a parking structure on Larchmont.
[293] You say, you said, you know, drive a big car, is it like two hummers strapped together side by side?
[294] I actually drive an 18 wheeler.
[295] Nice.
[296] Very nice.
[297] I got my license for that recently and I enjoy driving it around town.
[298] People love it.
[299] People love it.
[300] No, but I really didn't want to hit your car.
[301] And so...
[302] It's fine.
[303] Well, I'm not a...
[304] What's done is done.
[305] I'm not into my possessions.
[306] I'm not a very materialistic person, said the guy with the blue Tesla.
[307] Yeah.
[308] And it's very shiny and very clean.
[309] But it looked like it was like lights were like streaming down.
[310] It was like, we have it lit.
[311] You have it lit?
[312] Yeah.
[313] We have it lit from all different angles.
[314] There's better lighting on my car in the non -parking space that I don't have than there is in this studio right now.
[315] I could not wait to come back today because I remember last time I was here, I think I spent two straight hours laughing.
[316] I don't even think I talked.
[317] Well, you just need me. You were on something.
[318] You were on something.
[319] It was COVID.
[320] I wasn't even there.
[321] I remember, I got there a little late, and they said, Kaylee's been here for an hour, and she's in the studio alone laughing.
[322] So it wasn't me. Yeah, that's true.
[323] So much has happened in your life.
[324] You have a 10 -month -old today child.
[325] Today.
[326] I had maybe 10 months ago.
[327] How's everything going?
[328] Oh, my God.
[329] How old are yours?
[330] They're two and a half.
[331] Oh, my God.
[332] You had two at the same time.
[333] I did.
[334] Why did you do that?
[335] I honestly, I don't know.
[336] It's crazy.
[337] It is really crazy.
[338] It's a lot.
[339] How are you?
[340] And you look so rested.
[341] Oh, do I?
[342] I think it's just a lot of makeup because I'm not rested.
[343] I mean, Matt's got a two and a half year old too.
[344] Yeah, two and three months.
[345] Oh, my.
[346] We're just talking about not getting any sleep.
[347] She's in the Navy now.
[348] She's actually a seal, a Navy seal.
[349] She's badass.
[350] That's amazing.
[351] No, I'm thinking of just, I'm thinking of, because my kids are.
[352] How many months are your kids?
[353] My daughter's 51.
[354] My daughter's, my son is forty -nine.
[355] Seven hundred months.
[356] Yeah, exactly.
[357] Ever if he still did months.
[358] Months is so stupid, by the way.
[359] Congratulations.
[360] You're nine hundred and fifty months old.
[361] I even hate hearing myself say ten months.
[362] It really annoys me. Before one, it makes a lot.
[363] You don't have a choice.
[364] It's a lot.
[365] It's like almost one.
[366] Right.
[367] The month's conversation.
[368] It is, this is the thing is I'm pulled back into it all because I remember viscerally what what it was like when our children were, you know, 10 months old, then you, it's funny.
[369] It starts to drift away and go away.
[370] I think, this is very, very sexist, but if you're the guy, I kind of start to forget.
[371] And I'll say to my wife, isn't it funny?
[372] She was like, I don't forget.
[373] What do you mean you forget?
[374] Of course you forget.
[375] You ran off and did a talk show every day, asshole.
[376] Yeah, exactly.
[377] And I'd say, oh, I had kind of a rough time.
[378] time today with George Clooney exactly he kept talking about a prank and I couldn't get him to come to come to the point and then I had this veal that wasn't quite to my liking at a restaurant and then made my way home after a few Cosmos how's the baby do you even know its name?
[379] Not really but anyway so it's yes she does not forget you will not forget any of it I know what I hate though You can tell me if you hate this, too.
[380] What I hate is how everyone now is like, hey, mama, what is that?
[381] I'm just like, I had a call on the way here, and she was like, how's mom life?
[382] And I'm like, it's the same 10 and a half months ago.
[383] Like, I don't, it's the same.
[384] Like, I just, I get like this visceral, angry reaction like, hey, mama, you're looking so good.
[385] I'm like, well, what did I look like before?
[386] Who's saying this to you?
[387] So you were at 7 -Eleven, just trying to get some slim jims.
[388] And they're like, hey, mama.
[389] Yes.
[390] It's they know you have a baby and all of a sudden you're mama.
[391] Yes.
[392] And you look good.
[393] But it's like a difference than just looking normal good.
[394] Yeah.
[395] They expect you to look.
[396] You're alive and walking.
[397] You're living today?
[398] You're out in the world?
[399] Your eyes are still in their size.
[400] It's just ridiculous.
[401] Yeah.
[402] You know, I had to tell on this last job that I did, because they were all calling me, mama, I actually had to tell my assistant to tell everyone.
[403] And I'm not, I'm easy.
[404] Like, I'm, I'm, whatever.
[405] I'm good.
[406] I'm good.
[407] But everyone was calling me mama so often.
[408] And I was really hiding.
[409] And I was like, I'm not going to like, let them call you that.
[410] Like, don't get mad.
[411] Sure.
[412] I started to really resent everybody.
[413] And I had my assistant call a meeting and tell everyone to stop calling me mama.
[414] And they did.
[415] Yeah.
[416] Of course they did.
[417] Yeah.
[418] Yeah.
[419] That's Quoco.
[420] Can you imagine?
[421] I couldn't take it anymore.
[422] I think that's fine.
[423] Yes, I knew too.
[424] I swear, this is a true story.
[425] I said, I can't.
[426] Do you have, what about this?
[427] This is something I'm curious about.
[428] When you were pregnant, did you ever have men put their hand on your belly who, without your permission?
[429] Because I saw that happen once or twice.
[430] It's weird, right?
[431] It was me the one that was doing it.
[432] Yeah.
[433] I was on the subway.
[434] I didn't think they'd catch me. No, no, no, I saw, I saw one or two times I saw someone reach over and put their hand on my wife's belly.
[435] It's weird.
[436] It was people we kind of, we knew them, but I always thought, like, wow, that is a move.
[437] I would never.
[438] I know.
[439] I am so phobic about the touching.
[440] Yeah, I just do that to non -pregnant women.
[441] Yeah.
[442] Someday there'll be a baby in here.
[443] What an awful move.
[444] That's weird.
[445] Let me feel where the baby will one day be.
[446] Oh, it's so gross.
[447] That is the creepiest.
[448] Now I keep thinking about that and wondering why I didn't think of it.
[449] Yeah.
[450] I know.
[451] Hey there.
[452] Let's just feel where that someday a baby might live in this apartment.
[453] I'm throwing up.
[454] Oh, my God.
[455] What?
[456] It's the rubbing it too.
[457] That makes it worse.
[458] Future nursery.
[459] Come on.
[460] I wish you could see everyone's hands the way they're moving right now.
[461] Well, anyway, it's like we've done it before.
[462] No, I know.
[463] I just didn't think of it.
[464] I was never.
[465] I wasn't that way either, even with other pregnant friends.
[466] Like, I'm not a stomach toucher.
[467] I'm not a, like, I just, I was, I would literally walk around forgetting I was pregnant.
[468] Like, I just wasn't that pregnant girl that, like, I wasn't like, Mrs. I just, I just wanted it to be done.
[469] You know.
[470] Yeah.
[471] This comes to mind because of the movie you just did, which I watched and I really loved.
[472] Oh, thank you.
[473] Where you're, your role play where you're doing all these amazing badass stunts, basically playing a mom who's also, uh, assassin.
[474] And it's really physical.
[475] And you're really good at it.
[476] Thank you.
[477] And I'm like, this is major some Keanu Reeves moves in here.
[478] And I, and I was thinking, what was the timeline?
[479] Was this after?
[480] You know, I landed in Germany.
[481] I shot it in Germany.
[482] It landed in Germany.
[483] And then we found it a week later.
[484] I was pregnant.
[485] And I went in for my first day of stunt training.
[486] I was pregnant.
[487] That's insane.
[488] I know.
[489] I was pregnant that whole time.
[490] It was wild.
[491] Also, we shot in Berlin in the summer.
[492] It was like a thousand degrees.
[493] And all I wanted was Taco Bell.
[494] And they don't have Taco Bell in all of Germany.
[495] I looked, I searched.
[496] It's all I wanted.
[497] But also, I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant.
[498] So all they kept thinking was this girl keeps asking for Taco Bell.
[499] It won't let us call her mama.
[500] Very sweaty.
[501] She won't let us call her mama.
[502] And her stunt double seems to be interfering with a lot.
[503] Keep saying like, I'll do that.
[504] I'll do that.
[505] Because I told her.
[506] Oh, you told your stunt double.
[507] Okay, that's good.
[508] Told my stunt double.
[509] I was doing a lot of shame.
[510] And you were doing a lot.
[511] Yeah, I did a lot of it.
[512] And there's no way that's like, nope, they did not CGI your head onto that person's body.
[513] You're doing a lot of these stunts and you're pregnant while you're doing it, obviously early on, but still, that's got to be in your head a little bit or no. It wasn't the physicality.
[514] I was sick the whole time.
[515] So I was just so, I wanted to die the entire time.
[516] I just was sick.
[517] I was just nauseous.
[518] So the physical stuff, I actually felt better because I was like moving around.
[519] But when I would just have to sit there and like say dialogue, I just was like seeing white.
[520] But yeah, it was a wild experience.
[521] I wouldn't recommend it.
[522] When I...
[523] I was like, oops.
[524] But what if your baby now just has that, you know, just because it was, she was in utero.
[525] What if now she can...
[526] She's in stunt classes now.
[527] She's doing sword fighting.
[528] I mean, I told you she's 10 months today.
[529] Yeah, that's the time.
[530] Yeah, this is the time to get her going in that.
[531] So sword fighting and, you know, all those sorts of things.
[532] That's funny that you want to Taco Bell.
[533] my wife was a vegetarian when I met her.
[534] And so then we get married.
[535] She finds out she's pregnant.
[536] Okay, everything's moving along fine.
[537] We go out to this place in New York.
[538] I order a burger because I'm Irish Catholic.
[539] And for me, that's a well -rounded, healthy meal.
[540] And so I get my burger and she gets her salad and I'll never forget.
[541] She said, Liza said, can I just have one bite of your burger?
[542] And she had never been interested at all.
[543] all in any of the giant Flintstone steaks I was eating or anything.
[544] And she said, can I just have one bite of your burger?
[545] And I went, okay.
[546] And I held it over the table.
[547] And she took a bite and then didn't let go.
[548] Oh, my God.
[549] And then I swear to God, her jaw detached, like a snake.
[550] And she pushed it and my fist into her mouth and inhaled it.
[551] And bye, bye, no more vegetarian.
[552] Like, because it was no longer her in charge.
[553] It was our daughter inside saying, it's burger.
[554] time and pulling a lever.
[555] Yes.
[556] How is she still eat meat?
[557] Yes.
[558] So it's so crazy so I also was a vegetarian.
[559] I hadn't eaten meat in like probably seven or eight years and my my fiancee, my partner's big meat eater too and this exact story happened to us.
[560] Oh really?
[561] Okay.
[562] And I was like, I want that.
[563] It was the same thing.
[564] And I said, I have to have that.
[565] He's like, you have it and I ate the whole steak and I now like only eat steak.
[566] Your cholesterol is.
[567] I'm actually dying, but yeah, this is my last.
[568] You've had six heart attacks since you came in here.
[569] I have.
[570] No, but it's crazy.
[571] And now I eat meat, which is nuts.
[572] And I didn't for years.
[573] But it was a second that I got pregnant.
[574] Yeah.
[575] And it's funny because at the time I asked my dad, who's a doctor.
[576] And I said to him, isn't that something?
[577] And he went, ah, the passenger is now in charge.
[578] That's so crazy.
[579] Yeah.
[580] Yeah, yeah.
[581] And he had this little smile like, ah, yes, the passenger.
[582] I'm like, what are you suddenly talking in this weird code?
[583] You know, you end of medical school.
[584] You can say that child in utero wants protein.
[585] No, the passenger has taken control of the vessel.
[586] What?
[587] It's funny.
[588] I think I have almost like the grandpa syndrome because I'm so hungry for, videos of children, I'm constantly pestering.
[589] I pester Sona all the time.
[590] And she'll send me some that are really funny of her kids, basically with hammers smashing their house.
[591] Just going crazy.
[592] And what's the funniest thing is, Sona's shooting it and laughing.
[593] She's always like, uh -oh.
[594] Oh, going to smash that, huh?
[595] Going to smash that thing that great grandpa left for us in his will?
[596] Oh, there it goes.
[597] Ha -ha -ha -ha.
[598] You're just laughing.
[599] It's really funny.
[600] I beg her for these things.
[601] And then I'm like, more, more, more.
[602] I know.
[603] And suddenly I'm realizing that, oh, I'm just in that phase where I can't, I love it.
[604] That kid thing is so fine.
[605] I'm sure you guys, like, we'll have her all day.
[606] And then I'm like, oh, finally, and we put her to bed.
[607] I'm like, oh.
[608] And then I'm sitting there watching videos that I took of her all day.
[609] Like, I'm like, what are you doing?
[610] Go live, lady.
[611] I do that about my shows from the late 90s.
[612] You do?
[613] I toss that up for you.
[614] Yeah, no, no, I watched them.
[615] Right, right.
[616] And I'm like, oh, my God.
[617] Look at him.
[618] Oh, look at him.
[619] He's still in his 40s.
[620] Look how he eats with his hand.
[621] Yeah, look how.
[622] You can tell he's shitting himself.
[623] Oh.
[624] And then I send them to people.
[625] You got to check this out.
[626] This is me with Christine Baranski.
[627] Check it out.
[628] 2002.
[629] Wait, why am I looking at this?
[630] Aren't I adorable?
[631] Oh, my God.
[632] You seem weird.
[633] Face hurts.
[634] But I would, you can't take, that's the only thing I tell parents is you cannot take enough video.
[635] Like, you just have to have cameras rolling all the time because it doesn't, yeah.
[636] Just constant funny stuff.
[637] It's ridiculous.
[638] She's going pointing right now and going, uh -oh, everything's, uh -oh.
[639] Which we find, but it's somebody like, I want to send videos to everyone.
[640] I'm like, why, no one's going to think this is cute, but me. Because I remember when my friends would say, send me. I'm like, oh, great.
[641] She's saying, uh -oh.
[642] Now I'm like, look, our child's saying, uh -oh.
[643] Like, everything's so exciting.
[644] Just means your baby's neurotic.
[645] Yeah, yeah.
[646] Uh -oh.
[647] Uh -oh.
[648] Later at 45.
[649] Oh, oh -oh.
[650] Well, she would be if she got swords coming at her face in her classes.
[651] Oh, my God.
[652] Yes.
[653] She is totally immersed.
[654] Doing stunt work.
[655] You know.
[656] Now, what are you going to, what's your feeling going to be down the road?
[657] Because it's so interesting it's like you got started so young doing what you're doing and then you think about your daughter coming to you and saying I want to do that and your attitude might be very different like listen I survive that but I don't want that for you I had such a good experience growing up as an actor I had like the best parents and I mean Tom and I were actors I'm like she's probably going to be something like that or maybe the dress and she's very you know she loves to show off and be on the video loves to stare at herself I mean she's she's our child for sure loves watching her own videos loves to catch herself in the mirror and keeps looking.
[658] We're like, yes, we know.
[659] We get it.
[660] You know, she's very entertained with the things that she does.
[661] But I think she probably will do something like that.
[662] But my experience was so great.
[663] You had a good experience, yeah.
[664] I really did.
[665] And I started so young.
[666] And if she wants to, I'm...
[667] What was your first gig?
[668] Your first paying gig?
[669] How old were you?
[670] Oh, my gosh.
[671] I did so many Barbie commercials when I was like the first Barbie girl.
[672] Really?
[673] Yes, like I was probably between five and seven.
[674] and I did like 10 Barbie commercials.
[675] I actually, yeah, we, I was talking about this the other day.
[676] I think we were talking about it on Kimmel because they wanted to see some of them and I couldn't even feel like they don't even exist anymore.
[677] Like they were that long ago.
[678] But those were my first couple things.
[679] And then the first, I did a TV mini series where I played, Flistie Huffman played my mom.
[680] Donald Sutherland played my grandpa and Tim Matheson played my dad and I was five.
[681] And I remember the weird part is I remember every moment of it.
[682] I remember my mom taking me there.
[683] I remember my little schooling I had to do.
[684] I remember going to set.
[685] I remember sitting on Felicity's lap doing the scene, being told what to say.
[686] And like had like the best.
[687] I mean, it was just, you know, I loved every second of it.
[688] So my experience was very good.
[689] But my parents were amazing.
[690] And they did it right.
[691] And I did like a bunch of other things.
[692] I wasn't just acting.
[693] I think we talked about this last time.
[694] I wasn't just acting.
[695] I was like, okay, now you have your tennis lesson.
[696] Now you're going to go to camp.
[697] Now you're going to do this.
[698] So there was never like, I didn't get a job.
[699] It wasn't like that for me. It wasn't that effective for me. good you're i mean it's it's fascinating like the times i've spoken to ron howard and uh he had such success throughout his whole childhood but clearly his parents were on the ball yeah and same with shirley temple you know just there's people that whose parents are all over and then of course there are parents that unknowingly but they're not well they're not well people and and we've talked to some, I mean, we were talking to Natasha Leone about it.
[700] And she was saying, it's funny, she wasn't blaming her parents.
[701] She was saying they did the best they could, but they weren't well.
[702] And she got a tough deal, you know, and then just think about all these people whose parents are living through their kids, their own disappointments.
[703] Yeah, that's really tough.
[704] I just did not have that experience.
[705] I was very, very lucky.
[706] So, you know, if that's what Matilda wants to do, I can't really tell her not to.
[707] because I loved my experience so much.
[708] I can't be like, don't do that, don't do that, because I loved it.
[709] Eventually, they have to find their own way.
[710] As long as you control their finance.
[711] Right.
[712] Wait, what?
[713] Yeah.
[714] Isn't that the whole point?
[715] Control their finances?
[716] It sounded very aggressive.
[717] It did.
[718] It sounded devious, actually.
[719] Yeah, it did.
[720] And I probably shouldn't have stroked my non -existent goate when I said it.
[721] There's literally a dollar sign above your head right now.
[722] What's going on?
[723] You can see those?
[724] Yes, the ones above your car when I drove in.
[725] I must control their finances.
[726] We were chatting about you.
[727] You were so, like, I remember last time you came and you brought us these mugs and then, and then I didn't, what I didn't realize at the time is mugs is like a fixation of yours.
[728] You love mugs.
[729] I did bring you guys mugs.
[730] You arrived after.
[731] Oh, you got them.
[732] I never, I never knew if they went into the abyss of mail.
[733] No, no, no, no. The mugs are beautiful, but on the outs.
[734] That means we never thanked you, and I'm sorry.
[735] Yeah, I know.
[736] So thank you.
[737] Sorry.
[738] Well, the mugs did say drop dead on them.
[739] It was just a weird thing.
[740] They were beautiful mugs, and it's so beautiful.
[741] I still have mine.
[742] Mine said never again.
[743] Yeah.
[744] Your said never again.
[745] Mine said drop dead.
[746] And you said never have children.
[747] Oh, my God.
[748] That's right.
[749] Yes.
[750] You all got the wrong ones.
[751] Oh, shit.
[752] Yeah.
[753] I was supposed to get never have children.
[754] Yours was no children.
[755] Yours is dropped dead.
[756] That makes sense.
[757] Doesn't this make sense?
[758] You love mugs, but you need them to have a very hostile message on it.
[759] Yes, because it makes you happy and that immediately steals your joy.
[760] It was sweet because you are among, I think, Randall Park was the only other person to bring something.
[761] He brought whiskey.
[762] And we're not putting it out there that people need to bring something.
[763] Yes, we are.
[764] But these were like wonderful little equestrian mugs with chocolates in them and it was so kind.
[765] We still drink out of that mug to this day.
[766] Oh, my gosh.
[767] I'm so happy to know that they made it here.
[768] My mug was sent to the Conan O 'Brien Museum in Orlando, Florida.
[769] What else do they have there?
[770] It's your mug.
[771] It's, um, Jesus, there's not much.
[772] No, it's not a lot.
[773] It's a pillow that Al Roker leaned against.
[774] Oh, okay.
[775] Ninety -four.
[776] Some of my original pomade.
[777] Oh, wow.
[778] It's not a well -visited museum.
[779] Not a lot of people go there.
[780] No. But also, they do, uh, they do a free lube job there.
[781] We got a lot of people.
[782] You mean a car.
[783] Is that oil change?
[784] For cars.
[785] Oh, okay.
[786] Oh, but also lubricating people that want sex.
[787] Oh, whoa.
[788] Wait, what did you mean?
[789] I thought you were talking about an oil change.
[790] Yeah.
[791] You meant, okay, because you said loob jobs.
[792] Yeah, boom.
[793] Yeah, yeah.
[794] So they're lubricating genitalia.
[795] Well, they do both.
[796] At your museum?
[797] Yeah, a modemiotic can come in.
[798] Well, it's just a thing to try and get people to visit the museum.
[799] Yeah.
[800] It's in someone's basement.
[801] Wow.
[802] We say it's a museum.
[803] Look, it's just, it's really more of a trap than a museum.
[804] Okay.
[805] But anyway, that's important.
[806] It's Orlando.
[807] Check it out.
[808] Honestly, it's Florida.
[809] It doesn't surprise me at all.
[810] The people in Florida know and they're like, whatever, it's fine.
[811] That makes sense.
[812] They're like, we got so much shit to deal with.
[813] Run your little fake museum trap.
[814] Your loop job.
[815] You're a loop job.
[816] They don't care over there.
[817] Like, we got real problems here.
[818] They don't care over there.
[819] Oh, man. I'm so glad you loved your mugs.
[820] I love coffee mugs.
[821] That's my love language.
[822] You know, what's interesting, whenever I'm anywhere, that's my big weakness is if they, I look in some of these travel shows that I've done over the years.
[823] I always want to find, is there a mug here?
[824] When I was on the DMZ, the line between North Korea and South Korea, I was like, do you have any mugs?
[825] I mean, I'm just always looking for.
[826] With like a line down the middle of it?
[827] Like, it's half north and half south?
[828] They have a gift shop.
[829] To access the DMZ, you have to drive.
[830] And either side of the road is mine.
[831] It's filled with landmines.
[832] It's crazy.
[833] One of the craziest experiences I've ever had.
[834] And you drive along and I went there with Stephen Young.
[835] Yeah.
[836] And we get there and there is a room that's half in South Korea, half in North Korea.
[837] Oh, my gosh.
[838] And so we shot a little bit there where he did the weather from the window that looks out on South Korea.
[839] And I did the one that looks at in North Korea.
[840] But then there's a gift shop.
[841] And you've never seen a gift shop like the one they have there.
[842] All kinds of stuff.
[843] And I was just my main obsession was I've got to get a coffee mug.
[844] That's what I do.
[845] I get the coffee mugs from wherever we go.
[846] I also make a ton.
[847] I have like, I put pictures on them and give them as gifts.
[848] I'm obsessed with that.
[849] But I can't sit.
[850] So hotels and stuff make me crazy because the mugs are always like small like cappuccino mugs.
[851] Exactly.
[852] That's.
[853] This is a, this is a mug.
[854] I love this mug.
[855] I don't know.
[856] Someone gave me this mug.
[857] I wish I could remember or maybe I found it.
[858] I can't remember.
[859] But anyway, this is the correct size.
[860] He's holding a well -sized mug in his hand.
[861] Yes.
[862] I have large hands.
[863] I'm a large man and I need a big mug.
[864] Yes.
[865] And this.
[866] And this.
[867] And this is.
[868] And this.
[869] And this.
[870] And this.
[871] And this.
[872] This is the right size.
[873] And I know what you mean.
[874] Those little...
[875] What is that?
[876] Shot a coffee.
[877] So I have to travel with my mugs and I travel with my coffee makers.
[878] That's crazy.
[879] Well, I have it here.
[880] So if you have a choice between...
[881] If you didn't have what I wanted.
[882] You have a choice between bringing your daughter or your special mugs.
[883] You leave your daughter at a motel.
[884] A thousand percent.
[885] I need my mugs because I need my coffee to deal with her.
[886] Are these ceramic mugs with these break or are they like travel mugs?
[887] I pack them very nicely or I'll make sure I have one when I arrive.
[888] I'm a real diva, you guys, when I travel.
[889] Yeah, you can't call you mama.
[890] Hey, Mama!
[891] Don't you dare!
[892] Don't you dare!
[893] Will you send someone out for some Taco Bell really quick?
[894] I know, I had this whole facade of being really easy, breezy, but not at all.
[895] Do you still have the craving for the Taco Bell?
[896] I love Taco Bell.
[897] Sona, when Sona was working full -time as my assistant, I remember how often would be driving around and we would pass a sign for Taco Bell, and you would always say the same thing, you'd be like, I could murder me some.
[898] Taco Bell right now.
[899] And then you would go through the whole menu.
[900] Yeah.
[901] But I love that it was very aggressive.
[902] Like, I could go in there and massacre some Taco Bell.
[903] Yes.
[904] I love I love Taco Bell too.
[905] And we're not getting paid right now by Taco Bell.
[906] You don't tip till around Taco Bell.
[907] You do.
[908] You devour it.
[909] You do murder it.
[910] That's what it's there for, you know?
[911] Because it's going to murder you later.
[912] Exactly.
[913] I had an incision made in my body that can be open where you can just push the Taco Bell.
[914] Yeah.
[915] And the doctor said 50 -50 chance you die from this operation.
[916] Worth it.
[917] And then the doctor said, is this so you can shove Taco Bell directly in here?
[918] And I said, yes.
[919] And he said, we've done many of these.
[920] And I put it in with the wrapping.
[921] Doesn't matter.
[922] Wow, with the wrapping.
[923] You're savage.
[924] I am savage.
[925] You are.
[926] You're living on the edge.
[927] The wrapping.
[928] The wrapping.
[929] Why don't you just done wrapping?
[930] This is my Taco Bell port.
[931] You might want to get an MRI.
[932] Yeah.
[933] You'll get it checked out.
[934] Those things are expensive.
[935] I don't know.
[936] I've been a lot of pain, but I'm not going to.
[937] Kaylee, I have a question.
[938] Did you do a lot of improv when you were studying, acting or preparing?
[939] Or did you just, is this just you?
[940] You are, you're one of the best yes anders.
[941] You are just, you just, you know, but you really are.
[942] You like, you're very fun.
[943] And so I always thought, oh, Kaylee must have started out doing improv, like so many people I talk to.
[944] That is so nice.
[945] No, I'm not like a, I'm not comedian.
[946] I didn't take that path.
[947] I never did improv.
[948] I took one acting class when I was 10 years old.
[949] Did I already tell this story?
[950] I feel like I probably did.
[951] I don't think so.
[952] I don't think so.
[953] And you know what?
[954] I've told so many stories so many times over about my career in porno.
[955] So, yeah.
[956] Everyone knows the story.
[957] We know that story very well.
[958] No, I took one acting class when I was 10 years old.
[959] And I had, it was like a, there was a bunch of kids my age.
[960] And I had to do a scene.
[961] And the acting teacher said to me in front of all my peers, you will, not make it.
[962] She said, you, you act, you are a pots and pans actor is what we call someone like you.
[963] I was 10.
[964] And what she meant by that was I was messy, not sophisticated.
[965] That was what she said to me. And I went home and I bawled my eyes out.
[966] I mean, I could cry now.
[967] It's really PTSD.
[968] And my mom, I said, I'm not going back to that class.
[969] And she goes, yeah, you're going to finish the class.
[970] I was like, please don't make me go back.
[971] I don't want to go back.
[972] She thinks I'm so bad.
[973] I suck.
[974] I suck.
[975] My mom made me go back.
[976] I ended up finishing the class.
[977] It was like a few whatever I had to do.
[978] I never took another class again.
[979] But that woman, yeah, literally said that to me. And from that point on, I've never forgotten that because I actually do think I am that kind of actor in a way.
[980] But in a way, I think that was like a good thing.
[981] Yeah.
[982] But she was not thinking that was a good thing.
[983] We had a couple people like Harrison Ford has come on here and had had a similar experience with Jerry Tukovsky.
[984] And then who else came?
[985] Do you want to name this one?
[986] Tracy Ellis Ross?
[987] Tracy Ellis Ross.
[988] Lizzie Porter?
[989] Wow.
[990] You know, it's funny, we talk about these things because I always, a secret mission of mine in this podcast, mostly it's just to have fun.
[991] But if I had a theme that I like to pursue, it's a little inspirational for people listening, which is it's good for people to hear from you that you were told no. And we've had so many people come in here who've had these incredible careers and they share these stories.
[992] And I think, that's good for people to know that.
[993] It's good for people also to know that some of that insecurity and some of that doesn't go away later on just because you've had a lot of success.
[994] It's still there.
[995] That actually like drives me now because I laugh.
[996] I'm like, I am kind of like that.
[997] Like I have created my own way and that's that's completely fine.
[998] But I definitely was told that I was terrible a long, long time ago and that I would never make it.
[999] And that my, I wasn't sophisticated enough to like, you know.
[1000] And then, you know, it's interesting because you have this, you know, crazy success.
[1001] with Big Bang Theory.
[1002] And I've heard you say that when that was over, you thought, well, I guess that's it.
[1003] You know, people will see me on the street for the rest of my life and say, oh, hi, Penny.
[1004] How are you doing?
[1005] And your career since then has been you shape -shifting in all these cool ways.
[1006] Yeah, you know, whether it's like the flight attendant or like in role play, you do these things where you get to do like comedy, but also you get to be very serious or wounded.
[1007] or put through the ringer and you do that beautifully and so now I feel like you've carved out this space where no one could say you're, that's okay we'll let you know a miss sitcom when we need you but you know what I mean?
[1008] Thank you, thank you.
[1009] I mean, I laugh.
[1010] If I was known as Penny for the rest of my life, I'm more than fine with that.
[1011] It was like one of the best experiences it got me to where I am literally right now.
[1012] It was amazing and I learned so much on that show and had a blast.
[1013] Yeah, I kind of thought that too.
[1014] I'm like, well, maybe I'll do sitcoms forever.
[1015] And by the way, I love, I love doing sitcoms.
[1016] I love the schedule.
[1017] I love an audience.
[1018] So I wasn't, I had nothing against it.
[1019] And then when I found flight attendant, I'm like, oh, maybe, maybe I could do this.
[1020] Like, people might, I don't know if they're going to believe I can do it, but I think I can do it.
[1021] And then kind of created, I wanted to do that drama, but also bring in, I always have to add a little, you know, a little comedy in there.
[1022] And we kind of turned into that and kind of formed our own little tone.
[1023] And that's what I've, what I've run with.
[1024] Yeah, I was same thing watching the movie that you just did where I thought there are really fun funny moments but then there are also moments where I don't know is someone getting killed right now and I love that the that's the era that I think a whole generation has come up with yeah which is we don't and there's so many amazing shows like Breaking Bad that were could be hilariously funny and comical Brian Cranston, in his tidy whiteys, you know, yelling while his meth lab blows up.
[1025] So many great comedy moments.
[1026] And then some of like the deepest pathos that I've seen, that's everywhere now.
[1027] I know.
[1028] I know.
[1029] It's so crazy.
[1030] I can't believe how long I've been doing this.
[1031] I mean, truly, I can't.
[1032] You're 77 years old.
[1033] I'm 77.
[1034] And I want to thank you for your service in the Korean War.
[1035] I think you were there.
[1036] You were at the DMZ long before they had a gift shop.
[1037] And God bless you for it.
[1038] I have been around.
[1039] I have been around.
[1040] The work you did to get Dwight Eisenhower elected puts you in rare company.
[1041] Really rare company.
[1042] No, it's like, God, I've been doing this so long at this point now.
[1043] I just want to work with people.
[1044] I love to work with.
[1045] I want to have fun.
[1046] I want to do jobs that are fun.
[1047] I mean, dude, when I got to heard, I got to come back on the.
[1048] Yeah.
[1049] Okay, that's it.
[1050] Listen, I'm 3 ,000 months old, okay?
[1051] I'm trying to get back with the young kids We speak in months now I was about to give you a compliment Oh, you're getting a note Am I fired this?
[1052] For you to hand me this note Well, what was I supposed to do?
[1053] I don't know how am I supposed to?
[1054] He looked at me then like give me that note Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed right now.
[1055] I just got this note from Adam Sex You're not coming across as very masculine Why did you just notice that now?
[1056] I did ask him to tell me, please I want to look super masculine.
[1057] how is that not a note every show that we do every single recording I would give that fine okay I'm sorry you're like a total dude I wouldn't be great if I got notes constantly just constantly sliding across the table what I just witnessed was appalling I know no I like it I was in the middle of giving you a compliment you're a couple you know what you guys are talking about can I say something can I say something Adam and Matt they've root against me I know.
[1058] Which I think, and so they saw me getting this probably compliment.
[1059] And then they throw that over there.
[1060] You know, let's tell him he could, you know, butch it up a bit.
[1061] And, you know, we're talking a lot about, you know, and I was going to write, she's lying.
[1062] This is the funniest part of the interview.
[1063] Oh, my God.
[1064] I do want to bring something up, which is I am a dog lover.
[1065] You are a dog lover.
[1066] And a cat tolerator.
[1067] We have two cats, but the cats, and I do love cats.
[1068] I grew up with a little cat when I was a kid.
[1069] I asked my parents, could I have a cat?
[1070] They let me have a cat, even though we were six kids, and it was madness in the house.
[1071] My parents were nice enough to drive me to the animal shelter, and I got a little white cat that I named Pabbles.
[1072] Obviously.
[1073] And was ridiculed for years.
[1074] But that was my cat, big part of my life.
[1075] Now we have two cats that live with us, and they just don't like me. No, I know.
[1076] It's so frustrating.
[1077] And they are so affectionate with my wife.
[1078] They're, like, crawling all over her and looking at me. And every now and then, even though it's hard because they just have paws, they'll give me the finger.
[1079] Cats know.
[1080] They know.
[1081] They know.
[1082] Cats know.
[1083] Screw you.
[1084] But we also have, we have had a succession of dogs.
[1085] I love dogs.
[1086] Oh, what do you have now?
[1087] We have a golden.
[1088] And his name is Loki.
[1089] And our kids named him when he was a puppy because he was mischievous.
[1090] And they said, oh, that's the normal.
[1091] God of, and he's lived up to his name, but he is pretty much all we talk about in the house.
[1092] And I have two kids who are fascinating, multidimensional people, but I come home and I'm like, what did Loki do today?
[1093] And it's all we talk about.
[1094] I know.
[1095] But I know this is a big part of your life.
[1096] Huge.
[1097] First of all, I would love to send you.
[1098] I just came out with a pet line, so I want to send you all of our products.
[1099] What's the pet line?
[1100] It is all eco -friendly dog products.
[1101] And it's, we're doing shampoos, we're doing snacks.
[1102] That's coming out soon.
[1103] We're doing wipes for the paws.
[1104] We're doing teeth cleaning.
[1105] Because the food makes a big difference.
[1106] I know.
[1107] That's another thing, too, is, you know, I grew up a long time ago and no one thought about this.
[1108] It was just, you know, you just, here's the dog chow.
[1109] And you just put things in their bowl and then you realize how much of a difference it makes.
[1110] I know.
[1111] It really does.
[1112] No, I'm excited about it.
[1113] I mean, obviously anyone that knows me, I'm a huge animal lover.
[1114] We have five dogs right now.
[1115] You have five?
[1116] Yes, that's all we talk about.
[1117] We talk about our dogs more than we talk about our kid.
[1118] She's like Mowgli.
[1119] She literally thinks she's, I'm not joking.
[1120] What's weird is like, she doesn't notice when they crawl on her.
[1121] Like, I almost think there's like, she is sociopathic.
[1122] Like, she just, they, she's like one of them.
[1123] She never notices them because they've always just been there.
[1124] Right.
[1125] Like, she just sits there and they sit with her and there's no, there's no difference.
[1126] It's like she's a baby wolf But I think that could be really good She'll probably never stand By the way it refuses She'll run through the woods on all fours When did your When now we're jumping all over the place But my child will not stand or crawl Or do anything that requires Any effort whatsoever But if she's in her walker She's like a Ferrari around the house But doesn't want to do any effort other than that right won't stand won't do anything should i be concerned i'm jealous because ours was early to the point of like she was like a rumba that just had to get out of the house and create havoc oh my god how many months when she was crawling one i mean she just fought early no i'm kidding it was she crawled out she crawled out of your wife she walked out standing out of your wife chipped a cap and set top of the morning to y 'all she's been early with every everything, but in a kind of like, she's just too clever.
[1127] So I would say, don't worry.
[1128] I mean, you take this however you want.
[1129] I was very late to stand.
[1130] I was a very late to stand and talk.
[1131] Be worried.
[1132] Very late.
[1133] How late.
[1134] Uh -oh.
[1135] 1992.
[1136] Oh, no. I remember.
[1137] Yeah.
[1138] I remember it was towards the end of cheers.
[1139] I was 9 ,600 months.
[1140] No, I was in my 30s, and I stood and said, Now that's a sitcom.
[1141] You walked out on the late night show and a walker.
[1142] One of the baby walkers.
[1143] Yeah, one of those little things that you're suspended.
[1144] But, you know, it's good because I had a Zwebeck's cookies and orange juice on the little trays around me on the circuit.
[1145] And I was like, welcome to the show, everybody.
[1146] I'm taking over for Letterman.
[1147] Hey, look, a cookie.
[1148] Chomp, chomp.
[1149] Wow.
[1150] Well, I won't be worried.
[1151] then.
[1152] No, don't worry about it.
[1153] There are those stories about, you know, Einstein, all the great people, including myself.
[1154] Didn't walk till they were 19.
[1155] I'm Einstein.
[1156] People do compare you to Einstein.
[1157] I get that a lot.
[1158] I've heard that a lot.
[1159] Yeah.
[1160] Well, just about aging poorly.
[1161] Nothing about intellect.
[1162] Aging poorly and I own some land in Princeton, New Jersey.
[1163] That's about it.
[1164] Oh, my God.
[1165] You guys are ruining my bow.
[1166] again.
[1167] It's like last time, I should have gone tomorrow, not yesterday.
[1168] And I knew it.
[1169] I hear all this cracking.
[1170] It sounds like tectonic plates are cracking.
[1171] I'm gonna get, I'm gonna start getting shit done.
[1172] Are you?
[1173] I gotta get some shit done.
[1174] This eye vein under my eye has to go.
[1175] No. It's gotta go.
[1176] I love you just the way you are.
[1177] I was looking at we've, it's not what the note you just passed.
[1178] Yeah.
[1179] It says aging badly.
[1180] Yes.
[1181] I'm that no, he's about to pass.
[1182] I'm gonna say something different to make myself look good, but read this note.
[1183] Oh, my God.
[1184] Tell me the name of your line, because I want to get the word out.
[1185] Oh, Norman.
[1186] Oh, Norman.
[1187] Yes, I know this because that's named after your late dog.
[1188] Yes, so my beloved dog Norman died a few years ago, but I had him for 14 years, and I named my production company after him, too.
[1189] So it's Yes, Norman Productions, and then O Norman is the pet line.
[1190] I know.
[1191] So it's in his name.
[1192] We love our dogs.
[1193] I have a really good friend, Charlotte Bain.
[1194] And she has, she's very knowledgeable about dogs.
[1195] And she was talking to me about, oh, Norman, a while ago.
[1196] Really?
[1197] Yeah, she has a website called the Baru that is all things dogs.
[1198] And, but every day, she's at our house talking to us because she helps us take care of our, we had to, one of them passed.
[1199] But I think we're getting another dog, too.
[1200] You have to.
[1201] You have to.
[1202] It's like, I love just, I, I'd also, I think it's because I grew up as one of six kids.
[1203] And my grandmother lived with us and there were animals.
[1204] around.
[1205] There was just chaos and my family unit is much smaller.
[1206] There's four of us.
[1207] One's away at college.
[1208] And so I just want more.
[1209] I like, I love it when the dog's running through the room.
[1210] A cat's jumping on the chandelier.
[1211] My wife's swinging a broom at me. I don't know why she's holding a broom.
[1212] I've never seen her use a broom.
[1213] Do you guys have a broom?
[1214] You've never seen it.
[1215] No, we bought a broom just so she could swing it at me. She could swing it at you.
[1216] Yeah.
[1217] No, it's so true, though.
[1218] We had two friends over the other night and, you know, we have five dogs, obviously, and a baby.
[1219] And they were laughing.
[1220] They're like, this is the best place ever.
[1221] You sit down.
[1222] There's a dog on you or a baby or one's running across.
[1223] I mean, it's total insanity.
[1224] But you get to have something in your arms when you're at our house.
[1225] Our house is absolutely crazy.
[1226] But it would be weird if it wasn't.
[1227] That's how I always grew up too.
[1228] I grew up too.
[1229] Yeah, I think I'm uncomfortable when things are too quiet and too sane.
[1230] My wife grew up very differently.
[1231] And so she's always quietly in the corner making herself, I mean, I grew up around people that were just constantly eating giant pork chops and throwing the bones at each other.
[1232] There was just, and I've told this story too many times.
[1233] My mother once tried to get us all to quiet down by tossing a potato through the center of the kitchen.
[1234] And it went, it went through the window and the neighbors just heard yelling and then a potato came out the window.
[1235] Amazing.
[1236] And so that's the kind of, the metaphor there.
[1237] I know, it's so crazy.
[1238] And my mother, of course, a very accomplished woman who very much wanted us to behave like we are lace curtain Irish we are high class Irish and we are not going to crash potato goes out the window but then now I'm living with this person who's always in the corner and she's very beautiful and she's always pouring herself she's making herself a little broth she's making or she's she's boiled some hot water and she's pouring it over some basil leaves because she read somewhere that that can be good for the skin of the knuckle and she's I'm like, whatever.
[1239] I don't know.
[1240] I read somewhere, so this warming and I'm like, I just want to drink some mead and chew on a ham and then jump through a window and whatever.
[1241] You know what I mean?
[1242] Yeah, I definitely know what I'm a big monster.
[1243] I've seen you when you're unhinged and it is, you know, you usually have good self -control, but sometimes when you're like, I'm just going to eat whatever, it's insane.
[1244] I can, I'm one of those people who, uh, someone really, recently told me, I was talking to some doctor, and he said, oh, yes, we know, I know what you are.
[1245] You're all or nothing.
[1246] And that is what I am.
[1247] I'm all or nothing.
[1248] So if you told me tomorrow, there's something I have to do in three months.
[1249] And so I can't eat for three months and I can't, I have to work out all the time to do this.
[1250] But it's important that you do it for this reason.
[1251] I could do that.
[1252] Yep.
[1253] But the minute it was done, I have to then go equally hard the other way.
[1254] And I, just into an insane degree.
[1255] So yeah.
[1256] Yeah.
[1257] I have, you've seen me truly lose my mind.
[1258] Put one pizza in between two other pieces.
[1259] and eat all three pizzas, like that's a sandwich.
[1260] The pizza sandwich.
[1261] Yeah, you love that.
[1262] That's good.
[1263] That's a good.
[1264] It's very healthy for you, too, apparently.
[1265] Is it healthy?
[1266] I totally understand the all or nothing.
[1267] I'm the same way.
[1268] Black or white, I mean, literally working on this in therapy, trying to find the gray in life, which I never have been able to do.
[1269] You and I are similar in that we both really like to work.
[1270] You love to work.
[1271] I do.
[1272] I really do love to work.
[1273] But now you're probably finding, when you dip your toe in that other pond of, especially having a child.
[1274] Nope, still want to go to work.
[1275] Ready to go to work right now.
[1276] Ready to head to set.
[1277] Right this second.
[1278] Anyone wants to hire me right now.
[1279] Head on over.
[1280] I don't need to go back home.
[1281] I'm just writing us down.
[1282] No maternal feelings.
[1283] Can you, is there what you can add?
[1284] Eduardo, can you add maternal feelings?
[1285] Yeah, all today we've heard is I just want to work.
[1286] And if one person, refers to me being a mother.
[1287] They're dead.
[1288] It's been very eye -opening even for me. You need a lot of help.
[1289] I know.
[1290] I'm concerned.
[1291] And then you said, my daughter just hangs out with the dogs.
[1292] And they're all the same.
[1293] I don't know which is the dog and which is the daughter.
[1294] Okay.
[1295] You're a sick, dangerously sick person.
[1296] I am.
[1297] I have learned a lot about myself today.
[1298] Well, if we've accomplished nothing else, I think we just saved a child.
[1299] From a monster.
[1300] Child Services is waiting for you.
[1301] I know, it's so, they really are.
[1302] They should be out there waiting for you as you come out.
[1303] Yeah, well, there won't see my car because they parked in the lot.
[1304] That's why.
[1305] Guess what?
[1306] Miles away.
[1307] I bet you that's why you hid your car.
[1308] You thought this might be a sting operation.
[1309] PBS is following me. Kaylee, just park right here.
[1310] It's fine.
[1311] Conan's not leaving.
[1312] He works here.
[1313] No, no, no, no. I should probably park it underneath those bushes over there.
[1314] And then cover it with a bunch of them.
[1315] Why'd you cover it with Twitter?
[1316] I'll be laying low for a while.
[1317] You guys won't hear from me for a little while.
[1318] I gotta lay low.
[1319] Well, you are the dictionary definition of a delight.
[1320] You really are.
[1321] Can I give you the compliment I was going to give you before I was rudely interrupted by everyone?
[1322] Oh, we are out of time.
[1323] Okay, go ahead.
[1324] I'm getting a note now.
[1325] Conan, take a shower.
[1326] No, I was going to say, when you guys asked me to come back, I was so touched, so honored to be a second time arrival and I couldn't wait because you from the first one of the first talk shows I ever did you were so look it's scary to do that sort of thing when you're new and you were so amazing and you made me you made me laugh so hard and I told I told someone after someone on my team I said he's one of those that saves you.
[1327] I'm like he's a saver so if you start to maybe you're missing you dive in and no one ever knows and you save the day and you say something funny or you do something that no one realizes there was a lag.
[1328] And that is such a nice thing.
[1329] And so coming here is like a part, I couldn't wait.
[1330] Well, that's very sweet to be to say, but you know what?
[1331] No one needs less saving.
[1332] I'll tell you that right now.
[1333] Thank you.
[1334] There are people that in my life who've needed saving.
[1335] And I do like to help people who, uh, who need help in that moment.
[1336] But good God, you do not need any help.
[1337] You're very sweet.
[1338] This is such a fun room.
[1339] Also, my fiancee sent a video to you and he wants you to watch it because he's a big fan.
[1340] I was going to have him come once he says hi and he's just a big fan We got to hang some time Oh suddenly you're busy Did you guys see that?
[1341] We should hang some time And you know what I've never seen the light go out of someone's eyes So quickly It's like I asked you for a kidney Did you have that on tape?
[1342] Oh my God, please get the video You will see a soul leave a body I can't understand why someone with a nine -month -old and 19 dogs wouldn't want to hang.
[1343] We'll see.
[1344] Ten months.
[1345] Like, you know her birthday.
[1346] I don't.
[1347] I don't.
[1348] I googled it before I walked in because I knew you guys would ask.
[1349] I've got to Google my child's name.
[1350] I'm like, what's her name?
[1351] Well, tell your husband, I would love to, your fiancé.
[1352] I would love to hang with him or meet him or whatever.
[1353] That's so nice.
[1354] He would love to meet you too.
[1355] He loves you.
[1356] Well, role play, really good.
[1357] And it's on, it's on prime video.
[1358] And I'm so happy for you.
[1359] Thank you.
[1360] Yeah, I'm thinking about the first time.
[1361] I went over and taped a bit over on the Big Bank set.
[1362] You guys were all there.
[1363] And I, because I was next door.
[1364] And I remember thinking, this is like the number one show on television.
[1365] And you could expect a set like that to be tense and weird.
[1366] And you were the nice.
[1367] It was just a group of nice people.
[1368] Yeah.
[1369] And I thought, something's very wrong.
[1370] Yeah.
[1371] You're suspicious.
[1372] I went back to my set and created the sort of creepy tension that I think you need.
[1373] It's a really good.
[1374] But it worked out well for you.
[1375] Yeah, Kaylee, we absolutely adore you.
[1376] You come back here anytime.
[1377] This was like a joy for me today.
[1378] I couldn't wait to get here.
[1379] And I can't wait to hang out with you and your fiancé.
[1380] I got a head out now.
[1381] It's going to take four miles for me to walk to get to my car.
[1382] So I got to head out now.
[1383] I need a Gatorade.
[1384] Can you send me with a sandwich?
[1385] Yes, we'll send you with a sandwich.
[1386] Walk.
[1387] Thank you.
[1388] Thank you.
[1389] Hey, guys, it's time for the third act segment.
[1390] And we don't have an idea for this segment.
[1391] There's literally nothing that we can think of to talk about.
[1392] We've given it absolutely no thought.
[1393] I know.
[1394] Usually I come up with so many ideas.
[1395] Oh, so not.
[1396] And my kids went to sleep.
[1397] My kids woke up.
[1398] It's all about my kids these days.
[1399] I have nothing else going on.
[1400] I don't know what else is happening.
[1401] We'll get back to us in 20 years.
[1402] You know?
[1403] What?
[1404] I'm just saying, then they'll be doing all kinds of cool stuff.
[1405] Well, they do cool stuff now.
[1406] No, no, I mean when they're hitting the clubs.
[1407] I'm not going to talk to you about when they're hitting the clubs.
[1408] Anyway.
[1409] You can't live vicariously through my kids.
[1410] I want to know what it's like to be young and cool.
[1411] You're going to be 80.
[1412] Have you ever once hit a club?
[1413] I've never hit a club.
[1414] Yeah, I haven't either.
[1415] Never once in my life.
[1416] Yeah, Sona?
[1417] A big club hitter.
[1418] I was.
[1419] I love the clubs.
[1420] Yeah.
[1421] You actually, Sona tore it up back in the day.
[1422] That's what I hear.
[1423] I mean, they weren't expensive clubs.
[1424] They were, you know.
[1425] Price Club.
[1426] We know people.
[1427] We got into places.
[1428] We were cool.
[1429] What do you mean?
[1430] Like, what's a good place that you went?
[1431] What do you do?
[1432] Like, I would say something and you would even know if it was cool or not.
[1433] Oh, was it Club Fantistique?
[1434] Yeah.
[1435] Club Geronimo?
[1436] Was it Club Carole?
[1437] Did you go to mudroom?
[1438] Did you go to, you know, Jacomo Joes?
[1439] Where did you go?
[1440] Keep going.
[1441] What else?
[1442] What other clubs do you know?
[1443] Oily Sam's?
[1444] Yeah.
[1445] What about, what about Flap House?
[1446] which was a German club.
[1447] I went to all those, all of those places.
[1448] The places where you guys would stand across the street, just like staring at the people going.
[1449] Yeah.
[1450] And pleasuring ourselves.
[1451] Oh, Conan.
[1452] No, with our clothes on.
[1453] And then with our clothes on, just wearing bulky parkas, but just rubbing our chastel areas.
[1454] Yeah.
[1455] No, no, I was, I had no club life.
[1456] You didn't like dancing?
[1457] Don't you like dancing?
[1458] Um, no. No, I never went dancing.
[1459] The club, the thought of an, like, after hours thumping Hollywood night club gives me so much anxiety.
[1460] When I see it in movies, it's upsetting to me because I need to yap.
[1461] I need to talk to people.
[1462] And I also, my only weapon was my spiel.
[1463] And so the idea that you would take that away with loud club music?
[1464] No, you would also, you have money that you could get a nice table in the middle of the dance floor.
[1465] No, now I do, but for years I didn't.
[1466] Oh, I guess.
[1467] For years, I was, you know, driving 77 Asuzu Opel and wearing clothes that I had worn in high school that I had stolen from my brother Luke.
[1468] And then I'm going to be in the end, you know, like waiting for my skin to clear up.
[1469] I'm going to be.
[1470] You and Greg and Rodman and you guys never just like went out.
[1471] Yeah, if you ever want to know what the opposite of entourage was, like literally the negative image of entourage.
[1472] It was my posse in the late 80s.
[1473] Is there a gluten -free bun?
[1474] The opposite of water.
[1475] Absolute fucking opposite.
[1476] There was a place here in L .A. when we first moved out here called Flaky Jakes.
[1477] Oh, I remember that place.
[1478] It was a restaurant, too, right?
[1479] Yeah, it was a restaurant, but what you did is you got like a tray and you built your, you built, and my friend Greg figured out, he was like, we got to go to Flaky Jakes because he figured out you could, you could just buy.
[1480] the hamburger bun for like 30 cents, and then you could take it through the salad bar and just pour a salad in between the two buns and make a sandwich that cost basically 35 cents that was made of stuff at a salad bar.
[1481] And he would eat it and just be like, man, we got the system beat.
[1482] And this was my wingman.
[1483] This was my wingman.
[1484] Hey, ladies.
[1485] Who wants to go out?
[1486] You want to go out to dinner?
[1487] Sure.
[1488] You guys seem cool.
[1489] We'll go out to dinner with you.
[1490] All right, we're going to Flaky Jakes.
[1491] And dinner is on us.
[1492] There's two of you, so that's 60 cents.
[1493] Greg gets one bun.
[1494] I get the other bun.
[1495] Who wants ranch?
[1496] Now who wants French on top of ranch?
[1497] Now who wants croutons on a bun?
[1498] No, who wants coleslaw on that?
[1499] Oh, my God.
[1500] You know what?
[1501] All the same.
[1502] I would way rather do that than go to a club.
[1503] I like letting loose.
[1504] I like just going someplace and just like having drinks with my friends and just like letting loose.
[1505] It was nice.
[1506] I had a lot of fun.
[1507] But also you were a very uninhibited person.
[1508] Like you were, and this is not, but you were someone who you could meet a fella and then be making out with him on the dance floor and there was no problem.
[1509] Sure.
[1510] Yeah.
[1511] You weren't afraid of a little PDF, you know?
[1512] PDA.
[1513] PDF is a document.
[1514] What I'm saying is you were not afraid.
[1515] You were not afraid.
[1516] to call up a document on your screen in a loud club with a guy you don't really know.
[1517] Oh, my God.
[1518] You weren't afraid of a little Microsoft X, were you?
[1519] You had some time for a Pages doc or, let's say, an Adobe Photoshop JPEG on a hot night, maybe even a GIF.
[1520] Woo!
[1521] Yeah, no, I did.
[1522] That's how unfamiliar I am with a PDA, is that I call it a PDA.
[1523] Yeah, yeah.
[1524] But what I'm saying is I've, you know, used to come back, you know, in the early days, you would come back with stories.
[1525] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[1526] And I'd be listening like they were ghost stories.
[1527] I was like, oh, my goodness.
[1528] I actually put on pearls so I could clutch them.
[1529] Oh, my.
[1530] No, you're right.
[1531] I think, yeah, you and I are different that way.
[1532] Right, that you enjoyed life.
[1533] No, it's that, you know, you're a lot more, you know, just like, those are just noises.
[1534] You're not saying words.
[1535] I know, you're a lot more buttoned up than I am.
[1536] Yes.
[1537] Which is, I think, good.
[1538] Oh, come on.
[1539] It was a little too much to the extreme.
[1540] You were a little extreme, but also I had my time.
[1541] I had my time.
[1542] Let's just say I had my time.
[1543] Okay, you PDF.
[1544] Flaky Jakes?
[1545] You brought a PDF to Flaky Jakes?
[1546] No, those flaky Jakes.
[1547] There was a period where I briefly got it together.
[1548] Okay.
[1549] It was basically during the first George Bush administration.
[1550] I see.
[1551] All right.
[1552] Leading into the early Clinton administration.
[1553] Okay.
[1554] Let's just say I was quite a, I mean, yeah.
[1555] Do you have a nickname?
[1556] Now, my definition of got it together is probably different from your.
[1557] But still, you went outside your comfort zone.
[1558] Sure.
[1559] Okay.
[1560] Yeah.
[1561] What did they call you in that period?
[1562] They called you the red rooster.
[1563] Oh, God.
[1564] It's not sexy.
[1565] That's not sexy.
[1566] Red rooster?
[1567] No. That's not sexy.
[1568] It's okay.
[1569] Why not just the cock?
[1570] That's too obvious.
[1571] It's just too on the nose that.
[1572] I'm talking about the genitals.
[1573] Oh, okay.
[1574] All right.
[1575] No, then that's okay.
[1576] There was a writer on our staff once who was sort of bragging about how he was quite the ladies man back in the day.
[1577] And I said, yeah, they called you Jack Fuck.
[1578] Because I just thought it was such a ridiculous, man, what are you, Jack Fuck?
[1579] What a ridiculous nickname for a ladiesman to have.
[1580] I just love that you think they have to have a nickname.
[1581] Yeah.
[1582] Shout out to Flaky Jakes.
[1583] You think they're still in the business?
[1584] No, but there is an abandoned Flaky Jakes, I think, in like off the 60s.
[1585] freeway.
[1586] Yeah.
[1587] But it's haunted.
[1588] I bet ghosts are making sandwiches for 60 cents.
[1589] Ooh.
[1590] We're getting away with murder.
[1591] Well, anyway, I think we got to get going.
[1592] Let's hit the clubs.
[1593] Let's hit the clubs.
[1594] Yeah.
[1595] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.
[1596] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.
[1597] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Rossett, Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1598] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1599] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1600] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1601] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1602] Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
[1603] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
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