#592 - Bert Kreischer

[0] The Joe Rogan experience Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night All day Good googly moogly, Bert Kreischer Hello everybody This is our fifth year anniversary Happy anniversary to us Bert Kreisher's here So yes, we will be imbibing In libations As soon as Jamie gets us to fucking whiskey What are you doing, Jamie?

[1] What are you doing?

[2] Make it sure He knows what he's doing I know I'm doing.

[3] Basically Not really Bird cry sure I'm fine How are you my friend I'm so glad we're doing this today I haven't slept in like three days Excellent timing I'm on malaria pills Oh are you Fucking with my head man Dude Dave Foley was on malaria pills And I had to keep him from attacking a reporter Oh that's where I fucking heard about it Because I heard about malaria pills Before I started taking them And I was like these are bad news right Yeah Some people have adverse reactions Have you drank alcohol while you've been on them?

[4] Oh, yeah.

[5] Well, you're not supposed to do that, I don't think.

[6] Oh, well, how am I supposed to go to sleep with the hallucinations?

[7] I think that was the issue with Dave.

[8] I don't think you're supposed to drink when you're on that stuff.

[9] I would explain a lot.

[10] Yeah, I think it has some pretty negative impacts.

[11] What's the name of the malaria medicine?

[12] We'll Google it.

[13] Google Med. I don't want to say it's larium or?

[14] I don't know.

[15] I don't know the name.

[16] Malaria medicine.

[17] Malarium.

[18] The, uh, yeah, it's fucking.

[19] The dreams are insane.

[20] I mean, I'm already a really active dreamer, but dreaming on malaria medication.

[21] That's one of the first Googles, malaria medicine and alcohol.

[22] Oh, fuck.

[23] Malaria drugs and avoidance of alcohol.

[24] Yeah.

[25] Well, it just shows you what a fucking friendly drunk I am.

[26] Yeah.

[27] Even on malaria pills, I didn't get in any trouble.

[28] Yeah, this is funny.

[29] People are complaining.

[30] I was just reading that anyone taking drugs for protection against malaria should not drink alcohol.

[31] What a vacation would it be if I can't drink?

[32] The guy's like, I'm in the fucking Sudan.

[33] How am I going to sleep at night?

[34] What of the vacation that would be if I can't drink?

[35] That's exactly what I felt.

[36] I can't.

[37] If any of your doctors told you this, I don't think I will take it.

[38] Would rather have a little fun and take the risk than be miserable.

[39] This motherfucker is more interested in getting drunk than he is catching malaria, which has, ready for it, killed half the people that have ever died ever in the history.

[40] of the human race.

[41] Have the people who have ever died, ever have died from malaria.

[42] That's, where did, is that on that?

[43] I heard it on the internet.

[44] No, no, I heard it from the radio lab, from the radio lab podcast.

[45] Yeah.

[46] There was a woman on it who was talking about malaria as mosquitoes.

[47] Radio lab does their work.

[48] No, they don't.

[49] They've talked about quicksand porn and I cannot find one.

[50] Really?

[51] Yeah, they talked about quicksand porn the guys that are in it called sinkers and i was like fuck i've seen it all i thought and i was like i'm gonna find quicksand porn i'm gonna find it anywhere you're not looking hard enough somebody out there's got your number porn that you're fucking in quicksand uh is i think i'm not certain how it works because i can't find it this is true listen to this one and out of every two people who have ever died have died of malaria this is from national geographic holy shit well what's the here's the question though what's the what's the percentage of people that die to get malaria listen to this about 3 .2 billion people almost half the world's population are at risk of malaria oh it's it's anywhere it's all over the fucking place I'm getting back on the medication in two weeks this is insane this is a this is one of those really weird things that kills a shitload of people and we're kind of immune to it we don't get it much over here so we don't give a fuck about malaria like no one's everyone is so terrified about Ebola because it came over here oh my god they brought their dirty disease to America oh my god but nobody talks about fucking malaria malaria malaria is terrifying oh Bert Bert quick sand porn there you go shut up he found it Will you pass me that link?

[52] Wow, this is crazy, man. Yeah, you want another scary one's, rabies.

[53] Once you get rabies, you're dead.

[54] Listen to these numbers.

[55] You ready for this shit?

[56] 2013, there were 198 million malaria cases with an uncertainty range of $124 million to $283 million.

[57] So that means that when they say $198, it may be as low as $124.

[58] It might be as high as $283.

[59] So, like, this is the kind of infrastructure you're dealing with.

[60] I mean, you're dealing like insanely impoverished areas, right?

[61] Okay, it says an estimated 584 ,000 malaria deaths with an uncertainty range of between 367 and 755.

[62] So it might be as low as 300 because they're uncertain about the numbers of whether 500 million or 584 million is accurate.

[63] So it could be as low as 367 million, 367 ,000.

[64] rather, or as high as 755 ,000.

[65] So as many as 755, just let's go with the lowest number, 366, or 367 ,000.

[66] That's the low number of their uncertainty range.

[67] Imagine that many people dying of a fucking disease in a year.

[68] 367 ,000.

[69] That's amazing.

[70] That's like 13 football stadiums Sunday packed game.

[71] Only you would think that way.

[72] How many is it 100 ,000?

[73] gets into those huge football games some of the big ones like florida state was i think like 35 000 35 000 but a football stadium full of people i think they get bigger like what's the biggest one what's like dallas stadiums death valley like 60 or something right i want to say death valley is really fucking big i know ohio states like i want to say ohio state's like 100 000 there's got to be some that are like 100 000 right what how much 105 ohio states is jane bert i am fucking so proud when i put a stat like that you should be you should be honored but that's a that's a that's a big fucking number of people 300 plus thousand people dead of a disease and nobody even talks about it because we don't get it here it's it was in Calabasas you imagine if fucking malaria made its way to Bel Air how much people would be freaking out white people would be losing their shit everyone would be on the medication what's amazing is you're right Pete the callousness I mean we'd go to the farm stay where we're talking about and I had people on my crew just hop off the malaria medicine they're like I can't deal with it and I was like my director Paul was like you know because if you skip a day or fuck You got to take it every day, two days before you're in the area, while you're in the area, and then seven days after the area.

[74] Dude, fuck all that.

[75] Fuck all that.

[76] I'm in Valley Village still taking malaria pills.

[77] God damn it, malaria.

[78] It sounds like something you'd order with breakfast.

[79] Malaria?

[80] Would it be a drink or would be like a jam?

[81] It's something from the South.

[82] Oh, I'll get some malaria on the side.

[83] Can I get some malaria with my grits?

[84] It does.

[85] You're right.

[86] Malaria What a fucked up disease, man That is a crazy statistic That one out of two people That have ever died Ever died of malaria You want to know the real shit one Is dengue fever How can it be shittier than that Because you get it They get half covered They got half the deaths covered How is it going to be worse No no no I think the disease Getting the disease You get it You're like sick as fuck for like three weeks Then it goes away for a month And it comes back 10 times worse like and so you know that shit's around the corner no way you feel better and you're like fuck it's just going to get bad what so it gets good and then it gets bad with everyone yeah well i don't know why i shouldn't say things but but yeah my cameraman got it and he got in africa and then and i got i got the dengue fever shot i got japanese encephalitis hep a hep b i got all of them we had uh we had a guy um that um does our podcast Justin Wren and uh he was supposed to be here he he does uh a lot of work in africa and um he was uh in africa uh doing this stuff with um pygmies he sets up uh wells for them wrestling matches no he used to fight in the UFC went to went to the Congo fell in love with these pygmies just they're like the nicest people he like feels dedicated to helping them so he has this like this foundation called Fight for the Forgotten puts all this money towards building wells and we even donated some money and we had Bitcoin people they donated money to my Bitcoin and I matched whatever they donated and we sent him some money to help him with wells and shit anyway point being he was supposed to be on last week but he was sick and I was like no you could stay home for a little bit dude too much he's like well I've been home for two weeks or whatever it can't be Ebola I'm like just the fact that you had to tell me that You stay the fuck home for a little bit, fella.

[87] I'll tell you what, last night we were at the hospital with Eila until like six in the morning.

[88] I was telling these guys.

[89] And they tested her for the flu.

[90] And they're like, she's got the flu.

[91] The second, they came back with that.

[92] They shut the doors.

[93] They put signs on the door.

[94] And anyone that entered her exit wore a mask.

[95] Wow.

[96] And I was like, man, the dehumanization of that moment.

[97] And then when she went to leave, they put a mask on her.

[98] And she looked at me. And she was like, what's going?

[99] like really out of it but like why are they doing this to me almost like have i been infected am i am i getting separated from the pack that feeling and i looked at her i was like it's paparazzi baby and she would laugh and then my wife took her and i stayed and got an uber well you know the that that's cool man the um the number of people that die from the flu is pretty staggering if you ever look at that the number of people that die from the flu i was i was really shocked i was like wow you know we don't think about it because it's something that everybody gets you know it's like once every couple years you're going to get the flu i get the flu like Like every other year, it seems like.

[100] I don't think I get it.

[101] No?

[102] No, because I get...

[103] Do you get a flu shot?

[104] Yeah, I do.

[105] I do get flu shots.

[106] But I also get, like, I don't know really what the flu is technically.

[107] Like, is it a chest cold?

[108] Is it throwing up?

[109] It's where you're sweating, like, just buckets of sweat and you're just fevers, chills, fevers, chills, peaking.

[110] No, I've gotten the flu.

[111] I've definitely gotten the flu once.

[112] Take a guess as to how many people you think die.

[113] All right.

[114] We're talking about 370 million...

[115] I think it's 350 ,000 for...

[116] 350 million oh yeah three with the low number malaria for malaria is 337 337 I'm gonna say 125 125 in America oh shit no just in America uh 20 50 50 000 50 000 what do you think brand 150 ,000 306 36 36000 oh just 36 pussy's like 31 more than have died from Ebola I mean how many fucking people would die from Ebola from America a few people that got it over there, came back, but I'm pretty sure they've all been treated, right?

[117] I think one died.

[118] One died?

[119] Yeah.

[120] I don't think so.

[121] No?

[122] No?

[123] Let's find out that.

[124] How many people died?

[125] I don't think anybody died.

[126] How many people died from Ebola in America?

[127] By the way, if this was a statistic on skydiving, I could jump right in with the actual odds.

[128] I'd Google that every time before I go skydiving.

[129] Yeah.

[130] The skydiving thing is scary.

[131] I think it's 43 this year.

[132] It was 48, two years ago.

[133] Oh.

[134] My dad's friend.

[135] died so that alone is just too close you know like i know somebody who's knows somebody that died so nope holy shit yeah how did he die malaria malaria he hit the ground he got malaria skydiving it was a woman and i guess her her uh her her shoots got uh tanged up there was one death in the USA last year four people got it and one person died from the flu from Ebola oh So I'm assuming that means that they were there when they got it, but that might not be the case.

[136] They might have been dealing with somebody who had it when they came back.

[137] I'm assuming they had to be there come home with it.

[138] And I think it was the first patient.

[139] I think it was patient zero because the next one was the doctor in Atlanta, if I'm not mistaken.

[140] And I only say that because I remember hearing the news say something about if you contract it early, like all the nurses that got it in Texas, they got it and they were on top of it.

[141] they were like oh shit i'm not feeling good i got Ebola right they they jumped on it and got what is the treatment you know i mean were they just they must give you a lot of liquids and keep you i'd imagine it's keeping the keeping i'm sure what is the killer is the fever because you know that was that's the big fear is if your fever gets over 104 we're talking brain damage and yeah and start cooking yeah and so i'd imagine that's what it is and you can't lower the fever which is amazing that people can live in phoenix You know, or Vegas.

[142] Pretty fucking fascinating.

[143] Vegas is fucking sane in the summer.

[144] Like, you're walking around the summer.

[145] It's 120 degrees out.

[146] Like, what the fuck is this?

[147] What is 120?

[148] Who stopped here?

[149] Why did you guys stop here?

[150] You got to pump all your water from Colorado.

[151] You got this crazy fucking system where you have this, this goddamn monolith in the middle of the desert that has neon that's lit 24 hours a day.

[152] You have extreme energy demands.

[153] Yeah.

[154] You've motherfuckers built, like, this is a crazy spot to build.

[155] you know the the only reason why it was built there at all is because it was built by mobsters It was gambling, right?

[156] Yeah, but the idea was like Hey, we'll just make I mean, think about how crazy they were when they made Vegas.

[157] We're going to make a wild fucking place with very few laws.

[158] Just make it so it's four hours drive to get out there from L .A. Like, you're not really going to drive.

[159] Like, it's especially back those days, those old rickety -ass cars, can you imagine what a fucking commitment It was to go to Vegas in 1950 and 55 Bel Air.

[160] On the roads, the roads back then.

[161] Dog shit.

[162] Imagine how shitty the fucking, I guarantee you part of that was still dirt.

[163] Dog shit roads.

[164] Dog shit cars.

[165] No radio.

[166] Nope.

[167] If they had a radio.

[168] Air conditioning is suspect.

[169] What radio stations make it all the way the fuck out in the middle of the desert?

[170] They probably had weak -ass signals back then.

[171] They probably only worked for a few miles.

[172] One phone.

[173] Yeah, if you got lucky, you went to a place that had a, dial phone you know oh you better pack your fucking water because there's at least a two hour stretch that there is no one not only that you're most likely you're going to need extra water for your fucking car anyway because that bitch is going to overheat because the radiator sucked in those old pieces of shit everybody knew how to fix one though that was the difference like if you pulled into a gas station back then and you know you had a 195 Chevy they would go oh look here your your spark plug's bad the alternator's not working you got this is uh oh i can see right here you're you'll break fluids low now you open up like a 2015 Cadillac you you're like what am I looking at I have no idea what any of this is this is all just a big computer grid what's that black box in the corner fuck is all this what's the thing that says NSA that's on the hood what is this black thing is this following me I tried to change my daughter's back tire the one attached to the chain yesterday and I was like sitting there going how the fuck did I do this I was like I know that this should be something it's in my skill set right it's just not here anymore i remember how to put one back on remember when a chain would pop off and you used to have to get your fingers up in there and figure out how to put that fucker back on kids today they don't have to worry about the shit carrie brown ripped the tip of his finger off that way who carrie brown kid in your neighborhood no kid i play baseball with oh my one of the only black dudes at our school but the tip of his finger was gone ouchy wow and he was from put the chain back on and he did that thing and finger got caught sliced on when you're around a bunch of hard men like lumberjack type characters you're always going to find missing fingers there's always a dude who's missing a digit or a piece or something something got chopped off in a wood saw or something got stuck under a rock and he'll fucking break it off dude do you know how sad that would make me if I lost my finger because like you just think that's that's me forever now I no longer have that little piece way better than losing a lot of shit i'll take a finger all day i lost uh i lost all my teeth all of them yeah every single one all them except for eight that are in my mouth i off there i'll show you my eight that are still my mouth and you'll be like what happened fuck well i had bad teeth to begin with like i had you know meth hereditary my mom mom's on meth my mom was on meth and smoking and dry no but uh i had bad teeth to begin with and then on my 11th birthday i got hit in the mouth of the baseball bat oh jesus christ with bad teeth and it not it broke all the ones in the front and chip all the ones in the back.

[174] Well, you just, in the wrong place of the wrong time when the kid was swinging?

[175] No, I was catcher at passball.

[176] I stopped it, throw my mask off, throw the guy out at third, and the guy, the batter, trying to break the play up, thought he'd hit me with the bat.

[177] We were fucking 11.

[178] I don't know where the competition in this kid's house was, but...

[179] Oh, my God.

[180] So I hit you in the head with a bat to stop the fucking play?

[181] I guess.

[182] What a little psycho?

[183] It was my birthday, too.

[184] And you want to know something fucking crazy?

[185] My dad kept me in the game until the ending was over.

[186] over.

[187] He moved me over to shortstop because we were short players and he couldn't sub someone out in the fourth inning.

[188] He was your dad the coach?

[189] My dad was the fucking coach.

[190] And I was like, and I went into the locker into the dugout.

[191] My dad's like, buddy, I need you a shortstop.

[192] And I was like, and that's not my dad.

[193] I mean, I guess it is my dad, but it's not my dad.

[194] How many teeth you're missing?

[195] 20, I don't, 26 or something?

[196] They all fell out.

[197] 26 teeth fell out right there.

[198] No, 26 were damaged.

[199] And so there are - How many fell out right there after you got hit in the face with a bat like you knew you were fucked up uh well definitely all the ones up front and all my god they were gone yeah they were on home plate and your dad made you still fucking yeah i saw yeah if you bring up my dad he's like well i mean we're gonna lose a game what you know whoa yeah that's a good way to fuck up a kid oh shit or turn him into a comedian yeah well that's how you fuck up a person yeah you can't be normal and become a comedian but uh so all my teeth are are veneers are bonded or crowns or posts and crowns.

[200] Wow.

[201] Yeah.

[202] That's harsh, dude.

[203] That's why I look at guys in the UFC who fight and no one ever loses teeth.

[204] I'm always shocked at that.

[205] My teeth are super vulnerable.

[206] Like, if you, I got hit in the mouth with a piece of plastic fruit in high school, and it shattered a tooth.

[207] Wow.

[208] My friend are fake also.

[209] Really?

[210] Yeah, I was in a car accident and I was a kid.

[211] Really?

[212] Getting hit in the mouth with a bat and then your dad throws you.

[213] into the fucking game.

[214] He just keeps me in the game.

[215] Now, throws you back at the game.

[216] Sorry.

[217] That kid that hit you in the face with a bat, did you stay friends with him?

[218] I didn't know the dude.

[219] So who's from another team?

[220] Yeah, it was the other team.

[221] Wow.

[222] Did he say sorry?

[223] I didn't, well, I don't, maybe.

[224] I'm sure his mom made him say something, but I wasn't in a place to hear it.

[225] Wow.

[226] On my birthday, and we had to go to the hot dentist, like, for the emergency, like.

[227] Did you ever see that kid again after that?

[228] I have no idea who he was.

[229] I don't even know the kid.

[230] Wow.

[231] That's probably better.

[232] that way you don't have like this one person in your mind that you have to seek out and destroy and you're you know you're facebooking him seeing that he's happy like you fuck i have fake teeth you just want to get back at him from some shit that happened when you were 11 people are like that man people fucking fester on things where it would be way better if you didn't know you know in that case you're not going to go back and fuck this 11 year old up who's now 43 yeah i don't even have attachment to the i don't have attachment to the incident in a weird way i'm kind of emotionally detached.

[233] I think because I've said it so much.

[234] Yeah, I got 2016 knocked out with a baseball bat.

[235] And then everyone goes, how did that happen?

[236] And you just almost like that event becomes a bit.

[237] A little bit.

[238] A life bit.

[239] Like you're something like I'm sure when you tell people about being the world judo champ.

[240] I was never a world judo champ.

[241] What?

[242] You're making shit up.

[243] Hey, oh, yeah.

[244] You need alcohol.

[245] What were you?

[246] You were like the I won a bunch of taekwondo tournaments.

[247] Yeah.

[248] But like I'm sure that somehow you definitely kind of you know like you hear how flippantly you just said that yeah i'm sure i was so long ago man it doesn't feel like me when i when i talk about it quite honestly it's so long ago it feels like a lie yeah i know it's real because i can do that stuff still yeah like uh and i'll show people and i go holy shit i go yeah it's kind of weird right i could just do that so i know it was real but it feels so long ago it feels like a lie yeah salute my brother you want some of that brian no no good cheers good call This is going downhill.

[249] Or uphill.

[250] When you hear something crazy, man?

[251] Did you hear about the Mall of America?

[252] Here what happened?

[253] There was a Black Lives Matter protest.

[254] They shut down the Mall of America during the busiest time of the year.

[255] You know, thousands of people chanting and protesting.

[256] Well, they're getting sued.

[257] The people who organize the protests are getting sued.

[258] And they seek reparations from the Mall of America protest.

[259] The Mall is suing them for lost business.

[260] which is significant, you know, like, this is very interesting, man. It's like these guys that are, like, protesting by going in the middle of the freeway here in Los Angeles.

[261] That pisses me off.

[262] Well, we talked about it the other day because I think that you can't, you got to be real, oh, you weren't here, the Anna -Casperian one.

[263] You got to be careful because you could, somebody could die.

[264] Like, there could be someone who's on their way to the hospital and you block off the ambulance and because the hospital gets them there an hour later than they should have, the guy dies.

[265] and that could be someone's loved ones that's fucked up that's just that's not cool it's and people like well you know it's a protest and protests are not supposed to be convenient there's one thing where it's convenient there's another thing where it's public safety you know you could all everyone who's involved in that essentially could be charged with murder like if you in some way cause someone's death because of negligence or because of malicious activity where they could decide malicious activity I bet it there could be an argument made I mean if you if it was one person physically, if you knew that there was an ambulance and you blocked it off because you say, no, the ambulance can't get through because Black Lives Matter or whatever your cause is, if you stop that ambulance from going somewhere, you personally, they would charge you for sure with something, whether it would be murder or some negligent homicide or something.

[266] I mean, they would figure out, I don't know what the cause would be.

[267] So the question becomes, when you have a whole group of people that are blocking off the highway, how many of those people are responsible?

[268] Because there's this weird thing that happens, diffusion of responsibility when you get large numbers.

[269] It's one of the reasons why mob mentalities are so scary because no one feels responsible.

[270] When everything's going crazy and people just run around smashing windows and like, you've got to be really careful about people when that kind of shit happens.

[271] Because when no one feels like there's any order and everyone feels like this chaos, people just start doing shit.

[272] They start looting.

[273] I mean, that's where you get like these crazy mass rapes where everybody's like, how is this possible?

[274] Like, you hear about him in India where a hundred guys rape a woman and the woman dies.

[275] Like, how the fuck could this happen?

[276] Well, I think that people have a weird follow mentality, some weird ancient primate shit that's in us where we follow other people, even when things get crazy.

[277] And when things get completely off the rails fucking crazy, like a riot, I think it's almost like, for whatever reason, people, a certain amount of them at least, lose themselves in those moments.

[278] And they can, they can stomp people to death too.

[279] They could like things on fire too, where they would never do that individually on their own.

[280] And I think you have to wonder when you have a situation where a whole group of people do it, but that's not their, I mean, they block off traffic, but their intention is not to stop ambulances or to stop police.

[281] Their intention is just for good.

[282] You know, their intention is to try to put the message out there in as big a letters as possible.

[283] Just let everybody know.

[284] We're going to inconvenience to fuck out of you.

[285] No more highways.

[286] Like until there's some action, until someone does something, the problem is we need those goddamn roads.

[287] Yeah, that's something that you can't take that away.

[288] I mean, you're right.

[289] I never thought about it.

[290] What if someone's just on their way to the hospital?

[291] That's the first thing I thought of.

[292] Because I had to take my daughter to hospital recently.

[293] She broke her arm.

[294] Oh.

[295] Fell off the monkey bars and broke her arm.

[296] So when that kind of shit happens and you realize, like, time is of the essence.

[297] And, you know, in my daughter's case, it's a broken arm.

[298] They know how to fix that stuff.

[299] But in some people's cases, it's like, you know, you have organ malfunction.

[300] There's all sorts of things that happen to people's bodies that they can catch.

[301] They can catch in time.

[302] You can stay alive.

[303] But you imagine how upset you'd be if you never got to talk to your dad again because some fucking hipsters are blocking off the highway, you know, because they wanted to show how down they were, so they're blocking off the highway.

[304] That's when I become a single shooter, Mark Wahlberg movie.

[305] I know that what they're trying to do is good.

[306] I know what they're trying to do is good, but there's a reality to protesting where you got to go, okay but at what cost at the cost of your fellow citizens like these aren't cops you're talking about that you're inconveniencing or or possibly putting their lives in danger this is your neighbors this is your friends imagine if you were your next year neighbor imagine if you were a protester you next door a neighbor's husband had a heart attack they're trying to get him to the hospital but they couldn't get him in time they were like if you just got him here half an hour earlier we'd been fine there's 90 minutes it took to get him to the hospital so the guy died and she's crying and crying and you're out there trying to say hey you know black lives matter it's important that you know we make it inconvenient and she's like you fuck my husband's dead now everybody's lives matter yeah it's just that's the only the only you know other than inconveniencing all the other fellow citizens which don't have anything to do with police brutality it's like it seems like there should be there should be a way to do it where it doesn't put other people in jeopardy i don't know what that way is you know i would imagine that way is blocking off the front door to the police station or blocking off even better the front door to town hall that would be the best one like if they were going to protest something and be heard and be you know be seen as they're getting arrested like some block off where the laws are being made don't block off the fucking highways be smart about it find your angle but i don't know man it's it's part of me likes that this is going on though you know part of me is excited that there's all this talk all this like people are realizing there's some imbalance there's some issues you know and they're being a they're dressed in like a really big way.

[307] So I feel like it's ultimately a lot of good is coming out of all this stuff.

[308] A lot of good.

[309] You know, a lot of people are being forced to have these conversations.

[310] And I've seen people adjust their, their opinions during these conversations.

[311] It's kind of interesting.

[312] I think I've just adjusted my opinions throughout the entire thing because I, you know, the only thing that this does that, I guess, arguably Fox News and CNN don't do is they don't offer a, like a real fair and balanced kind of conversation with two intelligent people, they buttload it where they get like, they get on, they get, they did this thing with Charles Barkley.

[313] Being in TV as long as I have, there's certain things I know don't fucking happen.

[314] And they bring Charles Barkley.

[315] The one guy that maybe can give a really interesting point of view and he starts sweating in the interview.

[316] Did you see it?

[317] No. Anywhere else in an interview on TV, they would stop down and say you look a little shiny, let's dry you off anywhere else.

[318] But they allowed it to go in like this Nixon game.

[319] Kennedy debate kind of way, and he had sweat on top of his lip, it was pouring off the side of his head, as he was talking about something that is maybe not the high road, or not the, not the high row, but like what the status quo is.

[320] But CNN, or I think it was CNN, wanted the drama of it.

[321] They wanted his statements to have weight with this, with this sweaty persona of like I'm fucking scared.

[322] And in any interview, I'm sure this has happened to you, they will stop you down and go stop, no matter what, he's a little shiny, let's try him off.

[323] Like if you started sweating in like an interview about the UFC And it was just you were just talking Right They'd definitely stop you down and go let's give them a little powder They don't I don't let them do that Really?

[324] But if you started sweating what you think they'd let you dry off And the UFC dude People are getting kicked in the head I feel like such a pussy if I let them powder my forehead Maybe that's a bad fucking example Girls are getting their ears broken off Oh I see that this girl got her ear was destroyed jessica i and i forget the ladies name i'll find it here oh it exploded it was insane did you see it brian no it was the fucking craziest shit i've ever seen in all my years of watching well one of the crazy leslie smith she fought leslie smith who's tough as shit and she her ear swole up and she had uh you know cauliflower ear and what cauliflower ear is the reason why your ear gets hard is you're when you have bleeding under the skin the blood pooled under the skin and then it calcifies it hardens up it becomes like a little piece of hard like i have some on my knuckle and i have a little bit of my ear it's real weird i wear ear guards i don't get it on my ear but some people like the way it looks so they don't wear ear guards they let it's it fucks with your hearing too i mean it makes you look like a badass i guess but it it fucks with the way you hear things like your ears designed so that sound hits that that shape and like that's why women can't hear shit dude their ears are covered with hair they don't know what's going on they don't hear you when you're talking to them that's what's happening they can't hear i don't mean this these are jokes um but this woman anyway leslie smith had uh she had some serious call of her ear and must have had some actual bleeding in the ear while the fight was going on and then she got hit with this punch and it fucking exploded like a jelly donut that got hit with a rifle i thought it ripped her ear off that's what it looks like it ripped her ear off no it almost it but it exploded for First.

[325] And as the, you, you can see it.

[326] Pull it up.

[327] Pull up Leslie Smith exploding ear G -I -F.

[328] Because it's crazy to say, I've never seen anything like it.

[329] She got, Jessica hit her with his punch.

[330] And as her knuckle connects with the ear, the ear just explodes in a cartoonish spray of blood.

[331] Like if it was in like, you know, what were those, Sin City?

[332] Those movies, you know, everything's very cartoonish.

[333] Yeah.

[334] It looked exactly like that.

[335] It didn't look real.

[336] Like if it was in a movie.

[337] Yeah.

[338] It was in a movie, I'd go, Get the fuck out of here.

[339] I've never seen the ear blow up like that.

[340] Watch this, man. It's so crazy.

[341] Watch this.

[342] It's low resolution, unfortunately.

[343] You've got to see it not on these goofy screens.

[344] We have a new system that's in order right now, and the new system will be a tricaster.

[345] We're going to use a tricast.

[346] You can't really see it here.

[347] Can you see it?

[348] I can see it.

[349] It's hard to see with this low resolution, but in high resolution it looks fucking insane.

[350] It's interesting that wrestlers and fighters, They want the cauliflower ear Not all of them, but They want the cauliflower ear I think I talked to Matt Brown about it I think Matt Brown has got it And I said, isn't that something you guys wanted When you're younger?

[351] And he was like, fuck no But I guess some guys do Some guys do Well, I know people who have actually Given it to themselves They've taken a belt And they fuck their ear up If you bend your ear And you just take a belt And fuck with it Yeah, people like the way it looks Makes you look like a badass I've met guys who are fucking white belts to have this horrible cauliflower all over their ears.

[352] And you're like, come on, man. I've been doing jiu -jitsu for 20 years.

[353] I don't have that shit.

[354] How do you have that shit so early?

[355] Like, how'd you get it so early?

[356] And, you know, you find out that they did a lot of wrestling or they did a lot of, you know, horsing around with their friends.

[357] And if you have the genetic predisposition to getting cauliflower, apparently, it happens super easy.

[358] Some people, even though they've been doing jiu -jitsu for a long time, like John Jok Machado has so little of it, but he's been doing jiu -jitsu his whole life, and he doesn't wear rash cards.

[359] Isn't there a way to prevent it by draining it or something?

[360] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you could drain it.

[361] Yeah, my friend Brent had his fixed.

[362] He had his ear fillet open, and they scrape it all out, and then stitch it back together again.

[363] He had it fixed, and it looks weird.

[364] His ear looks like a little cauliflowery, but not much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

[365] It was like some of the wrestlers, like Randy Couture has, like, mice grown in the ear.

[366] Yeah, it's, Randy's is so bad that I got to look at it.

[367] it was like a pinhole his earhole yeah it's really tiny like he can't even get those apple earbuds in it's fucked not kidding he can't so why why wouldn't he because he's a badass he's fucking Randy Cotour wants to let everybody know bitch I'm getting in headlock since I was a baby sometimes I want to fall asleep on planes also well they're hard he uses them in wrestling the ears yeah he holds on to you like if he's got you and he's driving forward towards your face he'll like shove that fucking ear in your eyeball it's hard so it doesn't hurt it doesn't hurt him if it hurts him he doesn't care if it hurts you that's what he's worried about if it hurts him slightly less and it hurts you slightly more he's going to do it that's what's that's what's like you can't i can't i mean i'm around it all this time but i'm looking for the exact opposite exactly if it hurts you more less than it hurts i don't want i'm fucking i could never be that guy That is the thing about wrestlers that a lot of people don't understand.

[368] It's not just the fact that wrestling is a good base for martial arts, for mixed martial arts.

[369] I think it's the best because you could decide whether the fight goes to the ground or the fight stands up.

[370] And when you're a really good grappler, like, jiu -jitsu techniques, you can learn all those.

[371] You can learn all those pretty quickly.

[372] It's like the real deal is learning how to manipulate bodies and balance and understanding positioning, understanding, like, leverage and positioning.

[373] And wrestlers get that.

[374] But the real intense thing about wrestlers, what separates them from other athletes, is the toughness.

[375] Like, you have to be so fucking tough to survive in a wrestling room.

[376] The drills are so brutal.

[377] The sport itself, like going at it, like full clip with another guy who's also the same weight as you, also just as strong with you.

[378] It's one of the most difficult things in all of sports that you could do.

[379] Two physically strong wrestlers with technique who are just fucking hammering it.

[380] try to take each other drown sprawling trying to twist under each other trying to throw each other and you're just constantly pushing each other to the limit and if you can just get one mile an hour faster than this motherfucker you could break him just make him go one mile an hour faster than he's comfortable with and keep pushing and pushing and pushing so all the best wrestlers have this insane mental toughness is that innate or trained trained 100 % all of it is trained and people have a certain amount of determination but one of the things you see when you see children is how children react to their environment and stimulation and when it's something as extreme and unusual as the ability to endure pain and the ability to push themselves and it's prevalent all throughout this one group of athletes you got to go well it's the practice it's what they're doing like what are they doing they're making men out of these fucking guys they're turning them into animals they're turning into people of extreme character like they can do things that doesn't mean other people can't do it there's there's guys that never wrestled who became mixed martial arts greats that also have that same mentality like george st pierre's a perfect example became a great wrestler after he was already a ufc fighter became one of the best wrestlers in mama just by being a great martial arts but he had that mentality on his own he didn't have to go to a wrestling room his whole life to develop that he developed that from martial arts itself but you get a lot more of those in wrestling wrestling you get a lot of them you get like one in every town every fucking wrestling team in my high school there was this kid Mark calling and he was this he was a little bit lighter than me he was a really skinny guy he's to smoke cigarettes in between breaks while we were wrestling we were wrestling in the winter his girlfriend would meet him at the fucking side door the wrestling room and give him a cigarette he would take drag a cigarette and come in and wrestle and beat everybody's ass and he smelled like cigarettes he was an animal he was an animal and he was a couple years older than me and he had been wrestling like a good chunk of his life and uh on there forget this one day the coach uh like was as this guy was just smashing everybody the coach said pay attention to him because there's a guy like him in every fucking wrestling room there's a guy like him on every wrestling team and he wasn't the biggest guy by any stretch of the imagination but everybody was scared of him everybody was scared of him even the heavier wrestlers like he was like the captain of the team and he get mad at them for being a pussy you know yell at them they just fucking bow their head down they just didn't want to have nothing to do with this little fucking Tasmanian devil he was just a whirlwind guy just so aggressive and those guys there's like and he got beat he went to the fucking the states and he got beat I watched him lose to guys were even better than him I was like this is crazy this sport like you're going deep deep deep into the savage chain you're getting these fucking barbarians that are like their their DNA is so fucking good like their genetics are so good and then on top of that they're being trained in this really insane way where they're overtraining them every day every day they're tired every day you're making exhausted kids run up hills and carry other kids on their back and run firemen carry drills and you're doing fucking stairs with them you're carrying your friends or you're climbing upstairs doing all kinds of crazy shit you're walking on your hands back and forth across the fucking wrestling room you're doing all these insane drills and you're going out of for hours a day in a room that most likely has asbestos in it these fucking pipes they're covered in this I mean this is 1981 when I was wrestling in 1982 and these pipes are all covered in this fucking spray spurious foamy shit that's dropping onto the wrestling room.

[381] You got to kick it off the side.

[382] Like, is this stuff safe?

[383] Like, we all gonna have cancer when we're old.

[384] But, um...

[385] First blow job ever got was in a...

[386] A wrestling run?

[387] I know.

[388] Did you make the dude take off his earguards?

[389] Is it your coach?

[390] Would the earguards help?

[391] Do they help while dude's sucking your dick?

[392] Yeah.

[393] You get a good handle on them?

[394] You don't...

[395] You're not going to talk about what you say.

[396] Imagine if you took your chick and you were like, put these on.

[397] I want you to put the ear guards on.

[398] Why?

[399] Because I just need them.

[400] I need them on you.

[401] Let me rip this singlet off Yeah, put the singlet on Make your chick wear a singlet Put your titty's outside the cinglet Like one titty here, one titty there All crazy style I'm well past that That role play What are you into like lumberjack shit?

[402] No Listen, I'm walking down the woods I'm a hiker And you're a lumberjacker And shit just gets crazy It's the only female Lumberjacker the Yukon all the guys left you behind and you've just been searching for that right guy today's the day you just decided you woke up this morning fucking I'm tired to being a virgin and then along comes Bert Kreischer the world traveler was his backpack just a few minutes ahead of the trip flip team so he's look I'm totally willing to fuck you but I'm doing this TV show for the channel channel and there's a bunch of people behind me and they're on vacation they're taking pictures that's why I'm ahead I'm supposed to scout ahead, but we can fuck, but we gotta fuck really quick.

[403] And this girl's first sexual experience, do you get to that deep level of fantasy?

[404] You know, it's so fucking funny.

[405] That scenario I've done.

[406] Not with wanting to fuck a chick, but rolled up to a lumberjack who's a female with the triplit group behind me. That really did happen?

[407] She was hot as shit, yeah, Seattle.

[408] She was hot as shit.

[409] Yeah, it's so crazy that you even made that, in my head I was like, because I, I, I, First thing I thought was a lumberjack hand job from a chick would be insane.

[410] Wow.

[411] Those fucking just rough hands.

[412] And then I thought...

[413] I'm not sure I'd like that.

[414] What?

[415] That'd be confusing.

[416] I definitely wouldn't close my eyes.

[417] I'd have to keep a really good eye on her.

[418] You're definitely a chick, right?

[419] Right?

[420] This would be you?

[421] No tricks.

[422] No, I wouldn't even...

[423] Not one eye, both eyes, bro.

[424] Looking right at them.

[425] Very intense.

[426] Trusting someone holding on your balls and dick like that.

[427] They're rough hands.

[428] wood chips and their fingernails and stuff the scent of pine all over their clothes when we were up in Canada we passed by these they have these cut breaks where there's like these areas that they cut all the trees down it's really weird man it's like because you you go and you're driving down the road and you see like just beautiful trees and it's amazing and then you'll hit this area many football fields large just enormous area where it's all trees chopped down everything's chopped down and um some of it is piled up and then they have a few posts that they leave like out there in the middle like trees that are like cut in half and they leave out there in the middle and they do that for the birds they do that for the bird population because in order to it actually enhances the bird's ability to be a predator but like for raptors hawks shit like that eagles they have eagles up there for those animals they uh They want, they need perches in order to be able to look down and see all the different rabbits and rats and all the different shit they're going to eat.

[429] So if you make this huge cut break, you cut down a bunch of trees and just leave nowhere where they can sit up, they're only going to kill the things that are around the edges.

[430] They're not going to see like a lot of the shit that's out there in the middle.

[431] So they place these like posts to make it easier for these birds.

[432] It's really weird.

[433] It's very weird.

[434] That's crazy that someone figured that out.

[435] I think biologists get involved every step of the way when it comes to where you're allowed to cut, how much you're allowed to cut, what animals are going to be affected.

[436] Like, do you remember when they had that owl thing?

[437] There was a thing about, there was an owl problem.

[438] Do you remember that?

[439] And they had to, they shut down lumber in, it was somewhere in the Pacific Northwest.

[440] Spotted owl?

[441] Yeah, there was a spotted owl issue where they were going extinct.

[442] And so people were freaking the fuck out.

[443] they couldn't make it make money while this um this thing was going on um here i'll put it out lumber lumber shut down but uh that's like one of the things that people are terrified of when they're making money off the environment they're terrified of oh we found a frog a very rare frog that's in this one pond so you got to stop drilling oil why are you fucking crazy it's a frog we spend a billion dollars to get this fucking machinery here we need that oil and then you start greasing politicians yeah spotted owl they shut down um the the pacific northwest they shut down um timber production really fucking fascinating story it is considering that's everyone's livelihood up there not everyone but a vast majority of some people's livelihood yeah can consider the the the popular uh the the the what's the guy that gets hired politician who was like greenlit that must have known he was getting a shit storm coming his way i'm sure they probably get death threats like if you come out and say you don't want them to make millions and millions of dollars every week because of a fucking bird to dudes who aren't really giving a fuck about birds not to they don't give a fuck about birds if they gave a fuck about birds they wouldn't be chopping down trees they'd find a better job they really would If you were in that Because you were like super into birds That's the wrong job It's totally the wrong job It's the fucking wrong job You cannot think of like What don't you like As your high school guidance counselor And he goes I'm like birds Are you should be a lumbering This guy is writing This guy is writing a story William Dietrich Saying that he was trying To talk to the Seattle Times about this in 1988 and they thought he was crazy they were laughing at him they were like this is a ridiculous notion you're telling us that a bird an obscure bird apparently it's not a very common bird that none of these people had ever seen would be enough to shut down the Pacific Northwest biggest industry and that's really what happened it's really interesting how that works man really interesting how that works because I think there's a lot of people that get really upset about logging in the first place let's do this let's take that same subject and do what you did with the black lives matter with the protests because arguably for this one bird says dad's going to lose his job and he's not going to have the means to support his family the way he had and may lose his house over a bird is that worth it well i don't think we should wantonly cause the extinction of an animal when an animal is a part of the ecosystem do i think that ecosystem will survive Yes.

[444] You know why?

[445] Because I think that ecosystems are way more flexible than we want to think they are.

[446] I think they do adjust and survive.

[447] But if we can prevent this animal from dying, then we should definitely prevent this animal from going extinct.

[448] I mean, it just seems like if we're going to be, you know, humans like to be thought of as the caretakers of the earth or the curators of the earth.

[449] Let's start that with Americans, not humans.

[450] Yeah, Americans.

[451] We always, you know, when you look at our concern with global pandemics, and global warming, climate change, and all the different issues that.

[452] People are very concerned about our role in protecting the earth.

[453] But if we're doing that and we have some crazy fucking bird that's dying off because we like to chop down trees, like it seems like they should figure out a way to save that bird.

[454] It seems like this should be a way to get that bird and put them in an awesome bird place and just let them fuck like crazy.

[455] Go look, dude, we got all the fucking mice you ever want.

[456] We're going to let mice out every day You fuck like crazy You make a bunch of other owls And we'll get your population's healthy And we'll let you go It seems like That would be like a good move, right?

[457] Why not charge those lumber industries Instead of shutting down everything Because they're going to go extinct I think They were worried that these things We're going to go extinct Oh so it's not just about money It's about this actual area Is the only place as birds still around Yeah, it's like a really That makes sense to me Yeah, it's a really really obscure bird apparently they're not in a lot of places but there's a lot of that area up there that's protected we went up there duncan and i did to look for bigfoot when we do that sci -fi show stupid was so silly but what wasn't silly is how beautiful that area is when you're up in mount rainier dude it's crazy first of all it rains every day so the woods are just like the way i described it was like a box of q -tips like this that's how many trees there are they were just trees upon trees upon trees and everything is so green and it always looks kind of cool but it's always raining but then every now and then for like an hour or so the sun will break through the clouds when we were there we were there in like may and it was still pretty much march march one of those one m month we're there during an m month and um one time during the day the sun broke free for like a couple hours and i was like this is the most beautiful place on earth this is the most like sun was like beams of sun were cutting through the trees and everything was soaked and dew and we were standing next to a river which had like empty beer cans and shotgun shells all over the fucking shore like people are cunts the owls but other than that the view was magnificent like you're looking at such lush lush greenery there's something about that man that like it does something to your brain like it puts you on a frequency like click calm down bitch it just does something something click it locks into there's something about your visual like the the your visual field you take in this insane beautiful natural imagery of nature and it has an effect on the mind and you sit there and you're like whoa I that that is I've been obsessed with this theory I went to this place called Ernst La Bern in New Zealand it's a glacier they shot it in the hobbit it's the waterfall that Frodo walks behind and we went into the waterfall swam in the waterfall it's drip off from the glacier so it's it was 32 degrees eight seconds ago and and i got there and i was obsessed and you know we talked about this on the phone like a month ago about when you're in comedy brain you're almost like less happy because you can't you're obsessing about like you're when you're writing you're just kind of your brain's fucking on it won't shut down right i was obsessed with the fact that like visually when i was a kid and i saw a vagina for the first time at mikey Harry's house.

[458] I got turned on and I couldn't stop that feeling.

[459] I got I got sexually turned on and I couldn't shut that down and I couldn't get my brain to shut off.

[460] But that look at this place, Ernst Lawburn, I kept looking at it going, it's as inspiring as the first vagina ever saw.

[461] But what is, what, what, why is it that this has this reaction on me where I tear up and I go, this is beautiful as opposed to getting turned on sexually.

[462] Do you know, do you know what I mean?

[463] Right.

[464] Yeah.

[465] It's visual.

[466] It's the exact same.

[467] medium.

[468] Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.

[469] It brings the opposite, almost like the, all the shit that sexuality does where it shuts your brain down and you just want to fuck your dick, it's hard, it does the opposite where it goes, I want to, I wish my kids were here, I wish my wife was here, I hope my parents are proud, like all these weird fucking things, but I just, I was, I've been obsessed with that because there are those things in life and I feel like I've, I've been really lucky to experience them in the past six months in, in spades, but like, Those moments where you take visual snapshots and you're like, oh, fuck.

[470] Like when you're by that stream and everything's, and it stops raining and the sun peaks through and it hits that right moment, you're like, oh, shit, I'll never forget this moment.

[471] You know what I mean?

[472] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[473] I think there's a reason why people go to art galleries, you know?

[474] Yeah.

[475] Like, why do you go to art gallery?

[476] You go there to see what people are capable of creating.

[477] Like, it's always inspiring.

[478] Like, even like those tattoos that we were looking at yesterday.

[479] Like, wow, somebody did that.

[480] that won the Cheshire cat and that chick's ribs like whoa that's crazy right like i like knowing that someone made a cool sandcastle right there's something to that but then there's also something about just beauty there's something about beauty and um beauty i think especially in our culture today it gets co -opted by sexual attraction you know like a beautiful woman's body like even if for whatever reason you decided you were never going to have sex for the rest of your life and you were never attracted to a woman again you were fine with that for whatever reason like you got hit by lightning and your dick stopped working you really didn't care anymore you were fine with it they should make a john travolta movie out of that if you saw like a perfect beautiful female body with curves and legs and breasts and bone structure and just femininity it's beautiful like a woman's body, a woman who is exercising as a healthy, vibrant body, it's an amazing thing to behold.

[481] It's a work of beauty.

[482] And there's something about it, not just a sexual attraction to it, but just the actual shape of it, the curves.

[483] Like, you know, like, that stupid Kim Kardashian breaks the internet thing.

[484] Like, when you looked at that, you're like, wow, that's crazy.

[485] Her ass is ridiculous.

[486] But what's, what doesn't work is that she's like, look at me. look I'm going to oil up my ass so you look it's rubber in my ass don't tell anyone like why is your ass so big it wasn't that big at one point in time do you just do a lot of squats well maybe sort of it looks like she has a fucking diaper on right sort of like she's got a rubber ass there's rubber in there some sort of a foreign but what's doing is by seeing it in this beautiful form and shape it's like a sculpture there's like something to it you know like you're you're seeing this it's exaggerated and it's in her case it's not the best case but there's been some like insanely beautiful black and white photos of like like models on the beach you know where you look at these photos and you're like well just the shape of the woman's body is like something and then you see like the shape of a mountain like a snow -capped mountain with beautiful green trees around it and the sun is like passing through the cheese and you're like fuck that's amazing to look at there's something that happens to us when we see beauty and when nature complements beauty like you said and i believe this when the sun peaks through yeah nature nature kind of just bucockeys takes it to the next level he's like he's like take this all over your face nature it's a woman it's like squirting she's squirting all over the universe that she created it's it's one of those moments i woke up in this cave in vietnam and the sun came how many people got to say that shined into the cave and you're sitting there living people i know i know 11 but it's like those moments when nature and beauty and and all show up at the same time and you're like oh it's like they're talking to me you know yeah yeah it's like it's giving you a message it's giving you a message like behold all that i have inside of me behold the the clear water and the fucking bird that chirp in my trees that on my mountain you know and then and then when you then you couple music into it oh yeah and mushrooms right and if you got alcohol you got you got inebrients nature um beauty music yeah on like it happens to me on airplanes when you just when you're the only one awake but you open up and the sun's rising over tokyo and you're like yeah and you got fucking something shitty song but it doesn't matter because it just means the right thing to you and you're like fuck it fuck it so that hey now you're an all -star get you came on and you're like that's my fucking Tokyo song exactly exactly smash mouth bitch exactly Katie Perry is not Katie Perry fucking the girl with the it feels like a perfect night to dress up like Hitler or hipsters what fucking Hitler Jesus Christberg Kreischer Who is that come on It's the girl that won the fucking Emmy and won the Grammy and then...

[487] It's the one where everyone's telling me, like, I hate to admit it.

[488] I love this new album.

[489] Is it Katie Perry?

[490] Taylor Swift is fucking awesome.

[491] Dude, if you want to get...

[492] Especially, hold on, no, let me tell you something, Joe.

[493] I swear to God.

[494] I swear to God.

[495] Think about what you're saying.

[496] Your daughters, your daughters in two years will change your playlist because you'll hear songs that remind you of them.

[497] I'm sure it happens.

[498] So don't know me You're so wrong Joe Let it go Let it go Don't hold me back Any more I have videos My daughter singing that And I think it's awesome But when I'm in my fucking Manly American car I don't listen to that whore shit What about What about?

[499] Now you got Hold on a second I'm on an airplane Deadlifts And I'm listening to Zeppelin Fuck off I'm on an airplane I'm having a few cocktails It's a long flight Oh it's an unusual day And and that song and be honest you listen to that song alone no listen it's on my it's on my phone because my girls take my phone be dead honest with two daughters you got a younger and that song do you want to build a snowman because you just think like what if my younger daughter and i start bawling on a plane i'm just sobbing i definitely get when i see things that they like and i'm not around them but that's why i don't i don't stay away for long like you go away for like these big long stretches i don't go away for very long the long as i go away is when i go hunting like ufc trips and comedy trips is a couple days at most so i don't like going away man i don't like it i don't like that feeling it's like when i was a kid i i didn't have a lot of stability in my life and i think almost none of my friends did which is weird because it's like it makes interesting people i don't want my kids to be interesting i want them to be fucking boring is shit and happy and content but that's selfish right i mean it's like i think uh i will expose them to difficult scenarios in life but i want to build a base of love and support first because i recognize there's there's a bunch there's a bunch of variables involved in making a human being and i think you probably thought about this as well when you think about raising a kid you don't you don't just uh feed them and you know just sort of read books to them before you go to bed with them you have to explain to them life you're teaching them about things and you're setting examples and in a lot of ways it's a huge fucking responsibility like that a lot of people don't really consider you sort of think that your kids are going to figure it out on their own and they will if you don't help them but you're really supposed to be there to fucking help them just like every other animal like cats they'll like hold onto a mouse and they'll drop it near the kitten so the kitten will chase the mouse and hold on to it they'll like teach this kitten how to hunt a mouse by bringing them a half -dead mouse.

[500] Like cats go and jack a mouse and just fucking barely jack them.

[501] Just hold on them on.

[502] And they drop them off in front of their kittens.

[503] I've seen them do it.

[504] It's weird.

[505] It's weird to watch.

[506] But they're teaching.

[507] They're teaching them.

[508] Some people don't teach their kids jack shit.

[509] You know?

[510] And I think the best teacher in life is adversity.

[511] The thing is, how much adversity do you want to give your kids?

[512] Because you give them too much it fucks him up.

[513] If you give them not enough, they become spoiled.

[514] It's like you have to figure out, they need to learn to overcome obstacles and it's just like everything else in life you start with a little obstacle and then obstacle like how do you get to become a really good comic Kirk Chryser you start off at open mic nights that's their first obstacle and you need to be shit on by other comics and you need your heartbroken and your ego stomped on and you need to realize how bad you are and need to be objective you need to come to terms with that when you're the back of a taxi with your sister and she came up to see you perform in New York and you're sitting there going and you're all your thing and my sister was so embarrassed to be with me she pulled off that in New York taxi cab mask to not look at me oh no and that you want to get worse she put it on my guitar that's how bad I did you got a guitar I did a I tried it was the first time I tried to do music and what years is this we're talking about 1998 and I and she put it on my guitar it's still on my guitar case every time I look at that map I think my sister could not make eye contact with me but you need that and and now here's a question how much do you how much do you swing that pole because all the all all ultimately you want your daughters to have some of the same brilliant experiences you've had in your life where you sit there and and and not just you know cage side at a ufc their equivalent of that but like you want them to also feel like they've earned it right you know that's the one thing that i'm so grateful about is that you know i earned stand -up comedy you know like i i didn't wasn't gifted to me i earned i had to work for it And that wasn't my place in life.

[515] I wasn't a kid that got, that earned anything.

[516] I never read books.

[517] I was just a kid who fucking floated by.

[518] Until I got into comedy and I saw, and I remember seeing guys like Jim Norton going, oh shit, like he's earned, like he's working for this.

[519] And Bobby Kelly and Pete Correlli, these guys were all guys that I was looking at working for it.

[520] And I, and I did, I wanted a shortcut so bad because that was what life had been.

[521] But I, but I looked at them and I was like, fuck, I got to work it.

[522] I didn't understand that until I worked the door to get on stage and you were like 10 steps below what they had ever seen Because no one did that in New York Where'd you work the door?

[523] Boston Comedy Club And so what year was it?

[524] 90s 8, 99 So I was already gone I didn't come back there while you were working there, huh?

[525] No, no But even still like, you know, I had, you know, Jim.

[526] I see Jim, I see Jim in New York or I had him on my podcast It's nice to know he's, I think he's a genius comic but we're peers in the same business.

[527] I don't know about all that, dude.

[528] But to have earned it, like, I want my kids to earn shit.

[529] I don't know how to do that.

[530] You can't, listen, you can only lead by example in certain respects.

[531] But what you're saying is true.

[532] Like, one of the things that's weird about being a fuck -up in life or being a funny person is what you, the skill that you develop that people don't think of as marketable or don't think of as valuable is you became a very socially viable person.

[533] You, even though you didn't do well in school, you were concentrating on other things.

[534] And one of those other things you were concentrating on in a big way is being amusing to people, getting people to like you, being what your book is called, the life of the fucking party.

[535] I mean, that's what you were.

[536] But people don't think of that as being a skill.

[537] But of course it's a skill.

[538] You figured out through a lot of trial and error, through years of adjustment, years of interacting with people and realizing what people like.

[539] once you find it, tapping into it and running with it, and then using alcohol to fuel it, to take away your ambitions and run with it, you're developing a martial art, the martial art of comedy.

[540] I mean, it's really, in a way, there are analogies to developing a martial, like, becoming, like, a martial artist.

[541] Because one of the things about becoming a martial artist is you find the tools that work, you're taught it more than you are with comedy.

[542] Comedy, everybody's different.

[543] Like with martial arts, you have your basics.

[544] you have your striking basics you have your grappling basics someone teaches it and then you express yourself and you figure out how what you're doing what works what doesn't work and you get coached along the way comedy you have to coach yourself but in a lot of ways it's similar in that i don't mean in a macho sense i'm similar it's similar in almost like this objective analogous way where you're looking at comedy like a puzzle whereas martial arts is kind of like a puzzle too Like when you're competing with a person, even when you're doing just, you know, judo or something like that, we're just trying to throw them to the ground.

[545] They're a puzzle.

[546] What do I need to do to get this person on their back?

[547] What do I need to do to do to get these people to laugh?

[548] What do I need to do I need to do?

[549] Do I need to fucking drink more?

[550] Do I need to be the guy who always takes his shirt off?

[551] Do I need to be the guy who's in his underwear?

[552] We're going in the water.

[553] Fuck it.

[554] I don't care if it's winter.

[555] We're going to the fucking water.

[556] Burt's in the water.

[557] He's a maniac.

[558] We love him And people love you because of that And then you run with that And then all of a sudden you're on stage And you got 300 people laughing Their fucking dicks and tits off And they're going, this guy is awesome We can't wait to see you again And then your parents like Hold on So all that shit you were doing Where I thought you were to fuck up You were actually developing a skill The skill that Burke Kreischer developed What everybody thought he was fucking up Was everybody loves Bert Fuck Raymond Everybody loves Bert I love Ray too Ray Romano's a great guy I'm just saying People love you Like if you had everybody loves Bert Even Ray Romano probably go Yeah I guess you can use it He wouldn't freak out If you try to do a sitcom calls Everybody loves Bert Everybody does love Bert Doesn't take away from everybody loves Raymond It should be a goddamn franchise Some people love red band That would be the next one Some people think Joe's a douche That's the next one and it would be me be going Sorry I know I come Sometimes I come off as a douche That's what you were doing When you were becoming this very social Creature I was a very unsocial person I had to figure out comedy From a different angle You know and as I Sort of got better And slowly better in comedy I also relaxed as a person And as I relaxed as a person I got better as a comedian As I became a friendlier person I got better as a comedian Like all those things Like played apart in each other like in the beginning i think a lot of what i was doing i was like battling against myself i was the opposite of you instead of being like a very uh gregarious like outgoing really fun to be around guy i was kind of crazy i was like dealing with the fact that i you know had a weird childhood and it was spent a large percentage of my young teenage years in terror competing in martial arts tournaments always being scared so my approach to it was like i had a develop up the other i had to learn how to relax it took me a while to learn how to relax and one of the best ways you learn how to relax is see other people's reaction to you you know when you bomb or you know you just you come off obnoxious and you realize as you're coming off obnoxious god i'm obnoxious like what is wrong with me like it's just the words come out of your mouth you know and as i've become a father especially as i've gotten older as well but as i've become a father because i get to see it from the source one of the really unique things about becoming a father and I'm sure you'll probably agree with this is you get to see a child from the source like right out of the box and you get to see them grow and develop and it's so fascinating like when my daughter makes me laugh there's a weirdness to that laughter that I can't describe you know like my my six -year -old's really funny and she gives me a hard time like she's always mocking me and making fun of me constantly mocking me constantly and it's so funny it's hilarious it's it's really like she like has this like almost like painful grin on her face like she loves fucking with me yeah and she loves it also because i can't stop laughing when she does it because this is this weird thing is this little human that i've watched learn how to talk and then start fucking with me and figure you out figure you out in that short time pretty quick but i also tell her what i do wrong i tell her where i screw up and i tell one of the things that i do with my kids it's a it's a big one man i think everybody should do it whenever i correct my kid about anything if she doesn't tell the truth about something or if she gets upset about something i say honey i did the exact same thing i was way worse than you though i was way worse than you and i always tell them i was not as smart as you you're smarter than me and i explain i go this is what you're going to learn along the way so you already give them a victory like okay dad was worse than me and i'm smarter than dad okay keep talking what else i'm listening and i and i also i keep drilling in their head this is a big one that i drew in their head the only difference between you and me is that i've been alive longer i'm not better than you okay i'm not better than you i'm just a person who's lived more years but i can shave years off of your learning process if you just listen to me because i'll never lie to you i'm like if i'm telling you something except for santa claus if i'm telling you something got a big issue i got a whole bit about it i got a whole bit about it that the wife doesn't know about.

[559] You know, you're lying to these little fucking kids.

[560] She was in the, we were in the car the other day.

[561] She was asking about the tooth fairy.

[562] She doesn't believe the tooth fairy.

[563] She's like, that seems like bullshit.

[564] That's trickle -down loss of faith economics.

[565] But the problem is the four -year -old, man. The four -year -old believes in everything, and she's going to miss out on a couple of years of being lied to.

[566] Oh, my 10 -year -olds still believe.

[567] No!

[568] Ten years old.

[569] Ten years old.

[570] You need to bring that kid to a doctor.

[571] Dude, I'm taking shit to the next level.

[572] My uncle Pete.

[573] Ayahuasca?

[574] Nope, my uncle Pete.

[575] I save him my phone is Santa Claus.

[576] That's the fuck out of here.

[577] Santa Claus is calling you?

[578] Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

[579] Oh, no. I get, not, I'm taking, I, like, I, I, look, hang on, take a look at this.

[580] I saved, let's type in Santa.

[581] I saved his fucking picture.

[582] So when he calls my phone rings.

[583] The phone rings, and you see Santa's face.

[584] And it's Uncle Pete.

[585] That's so stupid.

[586] And he's got a few Budwisers in him at midnight on Christmas Eve.

[587] And he's just like, ho, ho, ho.

[588] Yeah, the problem is, that's trickled down next.

[589] economics when you tell your kid to make sure her boyfriend wears a condom okay five years from now okay honey look i know mike is your boyfriend i know you love each other and you're going to be together forever wear a condom okay do you know make him wear a condom make him wear a condom let's do it for daddy make him wear a condom no dude wants to wear a condom i've wore a condom at least five times in my life really five times maybe ten i got a handful on me what are you trying to say let's shut this podcast down and fuck when you and Brendan Straub we're talking about fucking your way out of a steam room dude somebody just sent me that I've never left so fucking hard don't put me in the sauna make me fuck my way out dude I've never those fight companions I don't even need to see anything it's right there this is how good the internet is bam he says that and it's right there in my computer it's the hardest I've ever laughed because I thought the fight fight companion I was like I'm probably gonna get as into it as I do the podcast.

[590] Because I've lost it on the podcast.

[591] I can't listen to it in bed anymore.

[592] You're going to sleep.

[593] So I was like, I'll put in the fight companion.

[594] This must have been like, what, three weeks ago.

[595] Oh, you mean the one where I talked to him about his fight?

[596] No, no, no. No, the fuck my way out of it.

[597] That was, that was actually a little bit more than that.

[598] You were so loose with Eddie and him, and it was such a fucking fun atmosphere that I sat up in bed and I was like, fuck it.

[599] That was, uh, Ian Edwards, or Ian McCall as well, was here, right?

[600] Yeah.

[601] Was he, for that one?

[602] It was, I'm, I'm, I'm small brain.

[603] I know it was Eddie, you and Brendan, because fuck my way out of Asana was my funniest thing I've heard.

[604] Like, I wrote it down in my head, and I was like, I got to bring that up.

[605] It was about a guy.

[606] Eddie and I used to work out of 24 -hour fitness, and there was a guy who was a manager there.

[607] There was a really friendly guy that was also, before he was a manager there in the West Hills location, he was a manager of the one in West Hollywood, and the West Hollywood one was just basically like a pit stop for dudes to just get their dicks drain.

[608] Dude, I worked out at West Hollywood.

[609] crunch that was a fucking meat locker oh that's a crazy spot dudes would just be sitting there shaving their balls we ho i worked out it i had a whole bit i never made it onto a DVD or a cd or anything it was a whole bit about working out at gold's gym on cole street in west hollywood because news radio was in this one area and gold's gym was right down the street i was like oh that's convenient i'll just work out there i worked out there twice i spent whatever it was like Like, I think you had to get, like, three months.

[610] I was like, yeah, I don't, I'm not comfortable, man. And then I understood what it's like to be a woman.

[611] I really did.

[612] I understand what it's like to be a woman, just like a woman with a skirt on and an office full of fucking savages, just walking past that water cooler while they're all quiet, holding on through the little paper cups, just, yeah.

[613] But the problem is, I like it.

[614] You're like what, being the wounded antelope?

[615] Or you like being the dude by the water cooler being a sexual harasser?

[616] I never had a problem with dudes, like, hitting on me. I was always like, that's what, that's what, that's what, I got it.

[617] Guess what?

[618] That's a new meme.

[619] I never had a problem with dudes hitting on me because I was like, guess what?

[620] Guess what?

[621] I got it.

[622] Dude, someone's going to try to fuck you now just to make a point.

[623] I can't get the visual of guys who hate owls out of my head.

[624] And that was the fucking greatest analogy.

[625] And all I can pitch, you know there's people that sit outside Gelson's.

[626] and try to get you to sign forms about, they're like, catch you in like, hey, do you want to stand up for gays?

[627] And you're like, with your kid.

[628] You're like, I do.

[629] But right now I've got groceries and a child.

[630] And I can't make a political statement.

[631] I don't know how much that helps.

[632] A guy put his finger in front of my face and said, do you have two minutes for gay rights?

[633] And I'm like, come on, man. What do you mean?

[634] But this is not the way to get people to like you.

[635] You can't trap them when they're on the way to doing other stuff and, like, make them sign pieces of paper.

[636] This is the way we get...

[637] Yeah, this is the way we get, you know, signatures for our petition.

[638] You know, another way?

[639] Make a website, okay?

[640] You'll get more than just standing in front of a fucking doorway.

[641] What are the numbers?

[642] Like, as far as, like, annoying people for...

[643] Annoying people slash, you know, get people to sign your petition.

[644] You're going to annoy way more people.

[645] If you get people to do it on a website through social media, you know, tweet me. I'll retweet it.

[646] I'll retweet it, it'll hit up 1 .4 million people.

[647] That's way better than annoying me when I'm coming.

[648] Obviously, I'm an unusual case.

[649] But most people, what are the numbers of people that come out of Whole Foods?

[650] Is it 100 an hour?

[651] Is it even 100?

[652] The attrition factor of like, you're just bothering people and flipping it on the other side of it, as opposed to really fucking helping.

[653] I know a dude who won't go to a fucking super.

[654] He'll pull into a supermarket.

[655] And if he sees there's people that have like the stand there and the open business.

[656] for homeless people like what's up with that open fucking plastic thing with like this really easy to unscrew to you can just reach it and take that money how do i know what the fuck this is money's going you have a laminated sign that says it's going to homeless people a lot of those people are actually are fake like they're not i ignore them i don't even talk to them if they say something act like they don't exist well i try to be charitable except when forced yeah whenever i'm forced or or cornered to be charitable i'm not charitable i'm very charitable if if it's my choice I like to give money, but I don't like to be asked to give money.

[657] I think that's obnoxious.

[658] I think making someone aware of your charity is cool, but you've got to leave it at that.

[659] Like getting in front of someone and putting a finger, do you have three minutes for gay rights?

[660] Like, that's not how it works, man. This is what I have for gay rights.

[661] All the love in the world, okay?

[662] I got all the love in the world.

[663] You don't have to worry about me. Because when it comes time to voting and it comes time to talking about it, I'm not your enemy at all.

[664] I'm 100 % for you So don't worry about me You and Todd Glass are the reason I don't say I'll throw you some money The F word I used to say fagin I loved it I know but you and talk glass are the You know they've kind of They've taken it from us No no no no Can I tell you what I believe They've They've what they've done Is they've let it age Like a fine wine So now when you do hear it It comes out like a bomb It comes out like a bomb And it's even ten times funnier Than it ever was when we were kids Amongst friends Amongst friends If Brian if you were If you said something And Brian just goes shut up faggot we would start crying if you just nailed it if you just had that one moment like a merry lou right yeah where you were talking about how you're scared you get your feet wet or something like that if he says something like that it would but if there was a get you but if justin martindale was sitting right beside you if justin martinale who we loved dearly was sitting right beside you would be like oh oh fuck um i got to say this i got to say this because i'm never going to fucking remember this and the whole time you were saying this i felt bad there was one guy at the gelson's on riverside little canyon for gay rights and as i walked out and he went the machine and i went and he goes gay rights and i just went nah and he's like oh got it and just walked on bath i can give you 20 bucks you stop talking immediately i'm in can i just give you 20 bucks and we end this yeah i'll talk to you about the weather just don't ask me i just i find it obnoxious when i don't and it's like anything like handing out flyers for a show to people that are coming out of the bathroom no you don't do that they don't that's not what they're looking for you know i i i believe that you can you can get results from annoying people but you're also going to annoy people and whenever you can not annoy people that's the way to go like if there's a way to do it like i always feel like i don't i don't like advertising shit like advertising sponsors i don't like advertising shows but the only way to let people know about those shows is to advertise them it's the only way but there's like a fine line between too much and too little and not enough and what's your intention while you're going into it and i always feel like if someone's on my twitter you know i'm gonna talk about shows you know i'm gonna talk about ufcs these ufc's coming up i'm gonna let you know but it's also because i'm fucking actually legitimately excited about it you know if i'm doing a show on new year's eve i'm excited about that show if i'm going to a ufc and i'm telling you oh shit john jolts is fighting daniel cormier i'm not i'm not yeah am i letting you know you should order on pay -per -view, but I'm not trying to do it for, like, job security.

[665] I'm trying to do it because I fucking love it, and I want everybody to know about it.

[666] So as long as my heart is pure, I'm willing to go forward with these ideas.

[667] Speaking of which New Year's Eve, I'll be at the Irvine Improvine Improv.

[668] Where you are?

[669] Paula!

[670] I'm at the Improv on Hollywood.

[671] Are you really?

[672] Are you really?

[673] In Melrose in Hollywood, yeah, with Ian Edwards and Tony Hinchcliff, Jesus fucking Christ!

[674] Ian Edwards is a funny motherfucker.

[675] Ian Edwards is the most underrated comedian in America today.

[676] I'm telling you, folks, if you have a chance to see this guy.

[677] I just, I don't say it enough.

[678] There are some great, great, great comedians out there.

[679] Ian Edwards is up there with all of them.

[680] He's up there with Bill Burr.

[681] He's up there with Dave Chappelle.

[682] He's up there with Brian Redband.

[683] He's up there with Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura.

[684] He's fucking fantastic.

[685] He's as good as Joey Diaz.

[686] I don't like saying that because Joey makes me laugh harder than anybody that's ever lived.

[687] Ian Edwards is a motherfucker dude.

[688] I work with him in Philly and DC and it was a pleasure it was a pleasure i was like how did more he's like one of those dudes where you feel like god damn people need to know about him he's so good he's so good and he's got this rhythm where he barely's putting out any energy and he's just people were falling down crying laughing but it's not like it's a forced rhythm like not to say that mitch hadberg was but it's it's a genuine way that he talks yeah when he was talking about you i think he was on this show when he was talking about he was going to move out he had to move out of his house put his stuff into a into a storage unit and then the place didn't go into escrow yes and and and but the way he talked about tragedy was the same way he did comedy he goes I got my but I'm not going to do it because it's not going to sound right but I thought to myself and he used to work at the boss comedy club he was one of the regulars there when I worked the door and you just sit in the back with a long ass dreadlocks I wrote a joke about him because his hair was falling out but he didn't he didn't know I wrote it but I said when you have a dreadlocks and your hair's falling out, do you just lose just one dreadlock at a time?

[689] Like just a, you wake up with a snake in your pillow, and you're like, he didn't know.

[690] Yeah, it's like hanging, like a rope that's been halfway severed in an action movie where you see those strands breaking and spiraling?

[691] I just bumped this camera, Brian.

[692] Don't worry about it.

[693] But yeah, Ian Edwards is fucking he's amazing.

[694] He's a good dude, too, man. He's a really, really really good dude.

[695] Can I tell you what?

[696] If I could talk to him what I'd want to talk about there was a time no there was a time that everyone global warming new york talked about like patrice everyone that with him and chappelle went to edinburgh together and apparently they they they had this epic i mean it could have been just one of those folklore things that one joke turns into 10 turns into 20 turns into make believe but man apparently they're like him and chapelle and jason steinberg and barry cats all went to edinburgh together like back in like fucking 92 or 95 I would love to If anyone ever gets them on his podcast Bring them up Because I'm dying to hear those stories And what happened I don't know There was a story about Legend Ludd In Edinburgh and Scotland I'll let him tell it Braveheart started Was written on animal skins On a snowy marsh Ah Someone with a feather Dipped it into ink That was made from coal I scrolled these words of legend Ian Edwards and Dave Chappelle I don't know what happened But some shit went down or something maybe Barry Cass was involved It's very shady Apparently it was hilarious It was like two dudes who were different people And they were just like It was like the odd couple I don't know Ian Edwards and Dave Chappelle Are the odd couple?

[697] Very different people I guess Well Ian is a he's a vegan Yeah Yeah he's very healthy I couldn't do that He's very healthy Clearly Yep What's up this whiskey Are we done with it Or we can keep drinking it It's funny you bitch Maker's Mark It's ice and the metal thing that looks like uh what fucking year was this made uh tongs that's for gentlemen sir this is a gentleman's podcast we are in fact on iTunes i don't know if you know this with your dainty gold watch what's up with that watch do you win that shit with one of those little cranes at the fucking carnival yeah i almost didn't wear it today because i was like joe fucking notice this fucking that's a strange watch it's also has you have a club wristband on no it's a 70s no it's a it's from the hospital can i tell you something i was scared to shit uh fuck it i'm not you're scared to what nothing nothing show someone i need to edit myself sometimes what happens around you is i get so fucking open that i is that bad yeah i get scared you get scared because you get open you have one drink and you're hammered you drink that whole bottle of champagne first yeah oh oh i didn't see that you drank a bottle of champagne before he got it by the way that's how you know someone's an alcoholic not a word not a word of would anybody like some champagne.

[698] Break caller.

[699] Literally the guy opened up a bottle of champagne and he didn't offer any to anyone.

[700] No one has had any of the champagne.

[701] Burt, open that tit, twisted the thing, popped the cork.

[702] Oh, celebrate good times.

[703] Come on.

[704] That's about your first grade.

[705] You don't know that we have a lot of liquor here.

[706] You don't need to bring your own.

[707] This motherfucker was so panicked that he was going to do this show sober.

[708] He popped the cork and didn't tell any.

[709] you didn't bring it up you didn't even talk it but it's like you shot up in front of us you're like you fucking tied off with a rubber band put it in your teeth you just fucking bang and you just and we're just like trying to pretend that it's not even happening I'm coming in hot I told you that that's not hot you came in yet to open it you get the fucking cork in front of you this is coming in rude coming in selfish you're coming in rude dude dude I got to tell you, I watch one of your videos of your podcast, and I'm jealous of your man cave.

[710] You know what I'm jealous of?

[711] Ready for this?

[712] The wood on your walls.

[713] Yeah.

[714] What's that?

[715] It's a It's a What is that?

[716] It's a reclaimed lumber from a, I think a 150 -year -old barn in Indiana.

[717] I knew it, you fuck.

[718] It smells so good.

[719] You walk in that man cave and it smells like history.

[720] I bet it does.

[721] You son of a bitch.

[722] Yeah.

[723] I love old wood dude this fucking shit right here this is a hundred year old wood from a farmhouse i i went way out of my way to get this wood like reclaimed lumber i just had this idea that if i got old wood it would make me feel different when i was holding on to it when i was touching it it might be total horseshit but this wood right here that's the man cave let me see your man cave dude joe see this you know the difference you and me what i make my own antlers motherfucker Joe, see this map right here It goes up And there's an LCD screen behind it So it's like a secret TV That's my moose bird crusher Oh fuck you know I saw what are you doing What are you doing after you get out of here You want some moose I would love some I would absolutely love some My uncle Like right before the Rolling Stone magazine came out Like it was spring break It came out April 1st And I had spring break My uncle I didn't know what I was going to do My uncle sent me up to his house And DC he wasn't there to interview for jobs at publicity firms, public relations.

[724] And he said, he left a note and he said, when you get to my house, my uncle's fairly wealthy.

[725] When you get to my house, go down to the wine cellar, have dinner, sit at that table and write out your goals.

[726] Wait a minute.

[727] That table.

[728] He's making you have dinner on your own?

[729] My uncle's a very different guy.

[730] Does he have a cook that cooks you this dinner?

[731] He's got a chef and he's a very wealthy dude.

[732] So he tells you to sit down and they serve you dinner.

[733] And he tells you to write out your goals.

[734] Two bottles of wine.

[735] Two bottles of red wine.

[736] And this room is in the wine cellar.

[737] A dope uncle.

[738] It's in a wine cellar.

[739] I need to become that uncle.

[740] And then he tells me...

[741] My nephew's too young.

[742] Sorry.

[743] That table is from one of the fucking...

[744] Knights of the round table.

[745] From one of the under tables.

[746] From the hobbit?

[747] The boats that landed here first.

[748] The Santa Maria?

[749] The Santa Maria.

[750] But it's that old fucking wood table.

[751] It's only this...

[752] From Roanoke.

[753] Virginia?

[754] Yeah.

[755] One of the old boats that came over.

[756] Who's Captain's Table?

[757] A Captain's Table?

[758] Holy shit.

[759] It's literally...

[760] From like a 1492, the Columbus sailed the ocean blue, that kind of shit?

[761] No, no, no. Probably 17 or 1 ,800.

[762] That's when they found...

[763] Somebody has a 1492.

[764] He should get that.

[765] I don't think that's around anymore.

[766] I should come up with that cash.

[767] Pull out that paper.

[768] You've got to be number one, bro.

[769] You can't be number three.

[770] I'm one of the top three billionaires in the guy.

[771] Shut up, bitch.

[772] But yeah, those old wood, at Old Wood, I think, evokes, you're right I was trying to agree with you and I'm way too fucked up to explain my theory and I just ended up trying to brag about some dinner I had This is my idea No it's a good It's a very dude That's a fascinating story Your fucking uncle told you to sit down At a 300 year old table And he was gonna bring his slaves To have a meal prepared for you Asked you to drink up two bottles of wine You're probably made by people Were put to death After it was over They didn't know the recipe This fucking secret grape stomping procedure And then you're supposed to scroll down your goals Just doing that Just doing that.

[773] Just offering that environment Where you could sit at this table And someone would come over Dressed like fucking ass Jeeves With like little tail feathers behind him Mr. Kreischer Would you like horseradish Would you fillet mignon?

[774] And you're like Yes please And he's very He's hanging over bottles of wine and he's telling you to write down your goals.

[775] Just that alone probably is very intimidating.

[776] It's probably not good for you at all.

[777] It's probably the opposite of beneficial.

[778] I'm thinking it would probably be a really good thing for you.

[779] But I'm thinking maybe it would make you go to Burning Man and stay there for a couple of years just to gather your thoughts.

[780] Nah.

[781] You need to get one of those old tables.

[782] Old table.

[783] I got an old table.

[784] Let's play a game.

[785] Who can get the oldest fucking table?

[786] Dude, I have an old table from five years ago that we started the podcast on that I'm trying to figure out what to do with.

[787] wait because mrs rogan wants it out of the house that round black table that we started the podcast with with the stems with the mics yes that's a great that's a great table you know what i should do with that table i should sell that table and i should take the proceeds and give it to my friend justin ren and help the pygmies right that would make me because i'm sentimental about shit unless i could figure out a way to make it beneficial so we'll sell that table will you handle this because i don't have time can i tell you what i can i tell you that'll be a pin in the ass of shit I'm gonna tell you the way I look at it like that table inspires so much creativity I would want it to inspire more creativity as opposed to sell it to auction you know what I mean I want to put it back into the creative universe and go let's see where it goes what if I give it to a creative dude who fucking kills himself okay how about that comedy store yeah right where bring it where uh Tommy's what office oh that's good move you know what I should do I should pretend somebody bought it for five grand and just send them five and Justin.

[788] What's the most that anybody's going to pay for that stupid fucking table?

[789] It's a $50 table.

[790] Nah, but it's...

[791] Nice table.

[792] It's probably a...

[793] I didn't even remember it now.

[794] It's a couple hundred bucks.

[795] I can't remember if there was a lazy Susan on it.

[796] Yeah, it seemed like there was a lazy Susan on it or something.

[797] I think someone gave it...

[798] I don't even know where it came from.

[799] I don't know anything.

[800] I'd allow that.

[801] I put that back in the creative universe.

[802] I've had some good times on that table.

[803] I did too.

[804] Shh.

[805] Whoa.

[806] What were you guys?

[807] What's that?

[808] I'm coming up really gay name.

[809] Is that spilled yogurt?

[810] Yogurt?

[811] What's up with that stain?

[812] You got a little stamey when they drop an F bomb.

[813] That's half and half.

[814] Yeah.

[815] That was a great table.

[816] It's fucking motherfucker of a table, son.

[817] I don't know.

[818] We'll figure out of a way.

[819] We'll figure out something to do with it.

[820] But that has five years.

[821] This table has 100 years of cows being trapped in a fence.

[822] It's like this horror in this table.

[823] It doesn't exist.

[824] and other tables.

[825] This is a farm table.

[826] I kind of have a farm.

[827] You do?

[828] In real life, you do.

[829] I kind of have a farm.

[830] I mean, I don't have any, I don't have any animals that I eat, but I have animals that I eat, they eat their eggs.

[831] And the animals that I eat are all animals that are wild.

[832] In a sense, it's like the best farm.

[833] Like, right now, I want to give you some moose meat.

[834] And one of the reasons why I want to give you some moose meat is I have like 400 fucking pounds of it.

[835] Dude.

[836] I really do.

[837] I get obsessed when I get obsessed when I, I want to give you some moose meat.

[838] I hear, when I, like, you get into your things, there was a period where anyone who talked about psychedelic adventuring, I got really into, because I felt like I was testing the boundaries of anxiety with, like, fearful activities.

[839] And I was like, why am I so scared of psychedelics?

[840] Like, why am I terrified of it?

[841] And there was a period where any time you talk to anyone about psychedelics, I get in, then now all these hunter dudes you got, uh, the, I can't, I'm so bad at names, but the, the guy that, you talk to three dudes, Renella, then the one dude who, Remmy Warren?

[842] And then other guys, they ignore Cameron Haynes.

[843] They ignore Cameron Haynes, that guy.

[844] There's one guy that says, I don't know, what's his name again?

[845] He kept doing a joke.

[846] Oh, no, no, that's Tim Burnett.

[847] He's just being silly.

[848] Yeah, I know, but, like, that's who the three guys.

[849] He's a good dude, too.

[850] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[851] But I got really into this fucking hunting thing, and I was like...

[852] Do you want to go hunting?

[853] I'd love to.

[854] Okay, let's do it.

[855] I'd love to.

[856] Most likely, I'm going to do a TV show.

[857] We're working it out right now with Steve Rinella's company, where I take first -timers hunting.

[858] Brian gave in looking for boo.

[859] Oh, it's just getting some ice and his coffee.

[860] Listen, why I have some coffee without some makers?

[861] Just a little bit of that little dash.

[862] A little dash.

[863] Come on, it's the fucking fifth anniversary, kid.

[864] Brian, what's the matter?

[865] Are you scared?

[866] Now, I just have a lot of shows tonight.

[867] Oh, really?

[868] How many shows you got?

[869] Three.

[870] What shows?

[871] Tell me about these shows.

[872] Irvine Improv.

[873] Then this other show that's near the Irvine.

[874] I don't know where it's called, though.

[875] And then, uh...

[876] And then what else?

[877] A little top of for the coffee.

[878] No, no, no, don't give him that because he's not going to be able to drink that on the way home.

[879] Get him an actual glass like a gentleman.

[880] We've got another glass right here.

[881] Oh, she's.

[882] No, I don't.

[883] I can't.

[884] Like a gentleman.

[885] Like a little gentleman.

[886] Listen, this isn't peer pressure.

[887] This is celebration.

[888] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

[889] Just a lot, that, that's a...

[890] Easy, bur.

[891] You're trying to get him arrested?

[892] I'll put more ice in.

[893] That doesn't help.

[894] It's the same amount of alcohol.

[895] You're like a child.

[896] You're like a cat that hides under the fucking couch, but your tail is poking out.

[897] Brian, little something, little something.

[898] Salute, my brother.

[899] Happy five years.

[900] Happy five years.

[901] Hey.

[902] Burke Chrysher, powerful Burke Chrysher, in the house.

[903] Oh.

[904] Buy his book, or bit torrent it.

[905] But when you can afford, then buy it.

[906] That's the future, right?

[907] Just enjoy whatever the fuck I put out.

[908] That's the future.

[909] There's enough people, folks.

[910] You know, things cost five bucks.

[911] There's enough people.

[912] You know, people keep asking me, how do you feel about your shows or fucking being bit torrented?

[913] it's okay it really is it's okay if that's the only way you can get it get it and here's the other thing if you get it through bit torrent you don't like it i'm happy you didn't pay for it i'm way happier that somebody gets something for free and doesn't like it then pays for something and likes it that sounds like i'm bullshitting you but i'm telling you the truth the if you can slide through life with the least amount of conflicts possible that's why you shouldn't butt -fuck without lube okay Why be rude?

[914] Why be rude?

[915] Okay?

[916] What is it so hard to get lube?

[917] It's not like fucking unabantanium, like some shit from Avatar, unobtainium.

[918] It's not the shit Wolverine's bones are made out of.

[919] Okay, you can get it everywhere.

[920] Every fucking where you look, do you have a phone?

[921] Okay.

[922] What you need to do is you need a Yelp pharmacy.

[923] Okay, look for pharmacy.

[924] 24 hours.

[925] Look at that.

[926] CVS.

[927] 0 .10 miles.

[928] Go.

[929] Take a left on Van Owen.

[930] There you are.

[931] CVS.

[932] Get your lube.

[933] Don't butt fuck someone with sweat.

[934] That's just rude.

[935] That's a meme.

[936] Don't fuck fuck someone with sweat.

[937] That's a fucking shirt.

[938] When you look back and you see Elvis with his stupid sunglasses on, he's like, I agree.

[939] I'll try that one six to eight.

[940] But fuck someone with sweat.

[941] Look at Jimmy Hendricks.

[942] Ever since then, I've been taking pills to try to recover.

[943] Go down the line.

[944] What would Rosa Parks?

[945] I'll tell you what's better about this table.

[946] Three people on the wall behind me. Only one of them never butt fuck someone with sweat.

[947] Guarantee you, Rosa Parks was never involved in that activity.

[948] Oh, that's a shirt, too.

[949] Just the three pictures.

[950] You know what's really crazy how few people know, tune one on, Jamie.

[951] Two on one on Rosa Parks.

[952] Very few people know what Rosa Parks looks like.

[953] When I do this podcast, people come in the studio, I have three mugshots behind me. One of them is from Jimmy Hendricks in Toronto.

[954] He got busted with heroin and something else.

[955] One of them is the infamous Rosa Parks arrest where she got arrested because she refused to go to the back of the bus, which African Americans were forced to go to the back of the bus.

[956] When you look at her, I don't know if it's the lighting or whatever it is, but a lot of people think she looks Asian.

[957] She looks Filipino or something.

[958] Yeah, someone along those lines.

[959] And then the other one behind me is Elvis, who I don't believe was ever really arrested.

[960] That's a mock fit.

[961] Yeah, this is a mugshot from when he met Nixon.

[962] You know that famous photo?

[963] He brought a gun on that plane.

[964] Pull that photo up just to make sure we're telling the truth.

[965] Like, it's the same clothes that he's wearing.

[966] Elvis meets Nixon.

[967] There's a famous one that I have because I have the Jesco, the dancing outlaw from the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia.

[968] it's it's uh hit the devil uh meeting um nixon and but nixon is jesco and the devil is uh the dancing outlaw yeah the dancing out or the devil is uh do you like hang have you ever listen to hank three fuck yeah hank three is the best you get him on your podcast i would love to get him on my podcast can everyone reach out to hang three and get him on jo's podcast can i just tell you this sturgle simpson sent me a fucking text message today he's number fucking one in country on itunes i've been telling everybody about sturgle Simpson, I went for a period of, like, I'm not bullshit, and this is the Amazon thing that Sturgle just sent me...

[969] I'm downloading it right now.

[970] He's number one, number two is the fucking definitive collection of Patsy Klein.

[971] Oh, dude, that is fucking amazing.

[972] You can't see it.

[973] It's too bright.

[974] That's Sturgle.

[975] Sturgle's number one on Amazon right now.

[976] By the way, with no big record support.

[977] He's done all this shit independently.

[978] that's Sturgle right here this is his album this shit is number one right now on Amazon I swear to God if you like any good music forget about country because I know there's a lot of people that go Joe Rogan you got a pretty good podcast you're okay's USC commentator kind of biased but god damn your fucking tasting music sucks listen to me just if you like any country if you like Johnny Cash if you don't like Johnny Cash you need to kill yourself okay or you need to go to the woods and then think about things then listen to it again and if you still don't like it then kill yourself but if you if you like johnny cash please listen to sturgle simpson because what sturgle's doing is what johnny's doing is what joe cocker did is what all these motherfuckers did they sing from the heart and everybody's heart is different okay there's a reason why sarah mclaughlin makes you feel bad when you watch that goddamn commercial with the puppies okay because of her voice it's almost like a dirty trick her voice is so powerful in the arms of the angel and you watch this sad little puppy like fuck i need to adopt another dog i already have two dogs and three fucking cats but you want one you want to help out right almost adopted one in vietnam did you really it was by a campfire and it was in a cage by a campfire and i just we'd take it out at night and we'd let it sleep with us in bed it was in a cage I'm in a cage at night.

[979] Who put it in a cage?

[980] The people in fucking Vietnam.

[981] I don't, they also eat them, so.

[982] So you have it, it's just in a cage.

[983] It's very lucky to be in a cage.

[984] Not in his stomach.

[985] I just bought Sturgle Simpson's album.

[986] Two of them.

[987] By both of them.

[988] Buy the first one, too.

[989] The first one's pretty fucking dope.

[990] But everyone go online also and rate and review that album, because that helps him keep him on top.

[991] It helps keep people noticing him and do that with my podcast.

[992] I love you guys.

[993] or not um but definitely do it with scourgill you gotta say or not high top mountain yeah high top mountain was his first one which is really good you know my wife my wife my uh i got it i'm a big widespread panic and so i got on widespread panic and my wife in the the loop of it gone into honey honey honey band oh yeah honey honey is in cleveland for new year's eve i just tweeted it uh go to my twitter feed and find it if you're in town you're in cleveland that's where susy Suzanne's from and you know she wants to do a little hometown show go get that my wife's obsessed they're really good she's like this is good music they're the nicest fucking people ever right how nice has been he's the nicest guy of all time he's just so nice he's just so fucking nice and talented and so Suzanne they're just so nice and so talented they're just we've been so lucky man we've been so lucky in meeting so many cool people I like when you have bands on fuck yeah Everlast how would Everlast dude fuck that god damn Everlast is talented.

[994] That playing of Immortal Technique.

[995] Immortal Technique.

[996] Why is Everlast CD not up in that fucking hand anymore?

[997] Put it back up.

[998] Did it fall down?

[999] Is it earthquake?

[1000] That album.

[1001] Terrorist was amazing.

[1002] Dude, his the all studio or all acoustic, a life acoustic instead that he did a play on a life aquatic and even made his CD cover look like a life aquatic like with his face.

[1003] He's just a cool motherfuckerer.

[1004] Dude, you got me into a box cutter, Pazzy.

[1005] Oh, dude, yeah.

[1006] I talk to him when I go to Philly.

[1007] Vinny Paz?

[1008] Yeah, I talk to Vinny Paz.

[1009] Every time I go to Philly, I go, hey, do you want tickets?

[1010] And we're always, like, on flip schedules.

[1011] Yeah, I've had that issue with him as well.

[1012] He's a good dude, though.

[1013] And I like his shit, man. He's a good rapper.

[1014] He's a big boxing connoisseur as well.

[1015] He knows a lot of shit about boxing.

[1016] Yeah.

[1017] Yeah, man, that's the beautiful thing about the times we live in.

[1018] You know, times you live in are connecting us to so many cool people.

[1019] You know, we're living in strange times, man. This is, this is the time where the boundaries between people are slowly dissolving, you know?

[1020] We're that one radio station on the way to Vegas with podcasting.

[1021] Oh, we are that one radio station?

[1022] Yeah, it's like, it's like the people that are cool, they're picking it up, and they're like, and I love when you run into people that are like, I told you about this a million times, but like, I met these two dudes under a banyan tree in Hawaii, and they're like, the machine.

[1023] Oh, fuck.

[1024] And we just ended up catching up about your latest bobcat gold.

[1025] both weight episode and just bullshitting right you know like those those things it's cool to be a part of this community and i don't feel like you know like podcasting in general with radio lab and with with what's going on with uh with cereal like it i haven't paid attention to cereal are you into that it's really good i keep hearing shit about it being amazing like really it's really good for six episodes six episodes and it falls apart just one point it's like you and duncan going hunting for Sasquatch.

[1026] He's like, I would have hurt if the guy got out.

[1027] So, like, I guess he doesn't get out.

[1028] I guess there's, I guess I know the ending of this.

[1029] Yeah, that's a problem, right?

[1030] That's every fucking UFO show.

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] Bitch you ain't find no UFOs.

[1033] By the way, by the way, I'm telling you your joke because that when you and Duncan went Humbers.

[1034] Right.

[1035] Yeah.

[1036] You said, your joke is like, if they had found it, I would have heard about it.

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] And I, when you and Duncan, I mean, I think I called Duncan and I was like, hey, just, Did you find it?

[1039] He was like, Burtt would be out on the news.

[1040] We had a good time.

[1041] Duncan and I were high as fuck.

[1042] If you watch that show, if you pay attention and understand and you just watch those episodes where me and Duncan are wandering through the woods.

[1043] We were barbecued.

[1044] We're barely conscious.

[1045] I love that guy so much.

[1046] He's my favorite.

[1047] Well, there's no my favorite, but he's my favorite.

[1048] There's all my favorite.

[1049] Joey's my favorite.

[1050] You're my favorite.

[1051] There's a lot of favorites.

[1052] Brian's my favorite.

[1053] I even love Jamie.

[1054] I've called Duncan's my favorite.

[1055] go to panic is like when I'm going to freak out when I'm going through shit like real shit that I well what you need to really think about is the fact that man we might not even be here we might be in some sort of simulation some alternative dimension there might be people looking over us right now deciding whether or not to delete you I'll give you my example of how Duncan's a genius he comes on to do my podcast I ask him to do my podcast and he goes sure we find a time and at the time I was going to the book stuff and I had a panic attack in the middle of the podcast.

[1056] Like five minutes in, I start spiraling out.

[1057] And this is what I love about Duncan's brain.

[1058] He goes, man, you know, David Letterman's never grown as an individual.

[1059] He's playing the same character.

[1060] There's no rules to this shit.

[1061] Let's do a guided meditation.

[1062] Let's do a guided meditation for 20 minutes on my podcast.

[1063] He just leads it.

[1064] There's a tiger coming out of the wrist and you're just, and you're into it.

[1065] And I, and you pop out on the other side.

[1066] You're like, motherfucker.

[1067] I was like, I met with this Zen Buddhist monks in Japan, Zen Buddhist monk in Japan.

[1068] We did a meditation, and I told him, I said, well, you need me a favor?

[1069] Check out Duncan Trunzell's podcast.

[1070] You told the monks to download Duncan's podcast?

[1071] I told this monk.

[1072] He was a, he was westernized, a tab bit.

[1073] He spoke English, but I go, check out Duncan, man. Tell me what you think about this guy.

[1074] Because I really do.

[1075] He's got a special thing about the way he processes, and I don't know if it's him having gone through, you know, cancer and having to deal with that shit, MBS, you know?

[1076] Right.

[1077] but like he's i fucking can't say enough about that guy he's my go -to panic anxiety and he knows it so he answers the call no he's a good dude man he's a good dude you know he lived with me for like four months dunk and i live together maybe i meant a little bit more than four months i forget how many months it was but he he called me up he's like dude i'm in a motel right now my girlfriend kicked me out i don't know what i'm going to do i go come live with me i go let's have fun i go come on dude i go i got an isolation tank there's a gym i go come on come have fun so this is like in the height of fear factor duncan came and live with me oh he lived in me for a while you know i live with tate for a while i live with duncan tate's a fascinating dude i don't know him but i follow him on instagram caveman coffee co .com he seems like he's he seems like he's he gives me it looks like he drink, don't smoke, don't do anything.

[1078] He doesn't.

[1079] He's super straight edge.

[1080] But he lives like a fucking very rewarding, early morning cup of coffee life.

[1081] Well, you know what Tate is?

[1082] Tate is a robust and enthusiastic individual.

[1083] He's very happy.

[1084] Like, Tate loves to give people hugs, and he gets loves to get excited about shit.

[1085] That's why he loves coffee.

[1086] They need to do a show with him on Travel Channel called the Baby Monster, where he just goes into big villages.

[1087] The baby monster.

[1088] Because he's a big dude, but he seems like the nicest guy in the world.

[1089] And he just goes into places where, you know, when you draw a prediction about a person based on the way they look, but then he just connects with everyone.

[1090] I mean, every picture I see him, it's like him in warrior paint with his fucking beard.

[1091] Well, he does a lot of movies, man. He did like that Denzel Washington movie.

[1092] He's done a ton of movies, like over the last, like, two years especially.

[1093] He's been really successful.

[1094] Yeah, he's a super good bad guy in movies.

[1095] He's fascinating.

[1096] He's a big giant dude.

[1097] He's scary.

[1098] But he's a sweetie.

[1099] He's a really nice guy.

[1100] dude was it you and him i just retold this story to somebody was it you and him with the guy that was drunk and the elevator in the hard rock hotel he didn't just knock on the door he pounded on tate before tate got to his hotel room this dude was telling him that you know he was like uh that's my room and tate was like opening the door and he's like no this is my room he was like i told you it's my fucking room like this really big dushy frat looking kid and you know tate's a big guy he's like six four two hundred god knows whatever the fuck he weighs you know beard like 20ish black beard yeah he's a big dude so this guy was bigger than Tate like he's such a bully that he's like bullying obvious giant people you know like wow are you crazy so Tate goes this guy a free pass goes into his hotel room and I'm in the room adjoining him and Eddie Bravo and I are in the room we're baked as fuck so another seems real right we're in this hotel room and we hear pounding on the door and you know we have adjoining rooms so i opened our door and tate's door was cracked and i pushed tate's door out and we go into tate's room and then we go out into the hallway and so we're exiting out of tate's room you know i don't know a sign of solidarity or some shit i don't know why we did it that way but this dude is standing over tate he's bigger than tate he's i told you was my fucking room bitch and tate's like uh i don't know what you're talking about man because obviously i have the key how did i get the key to your room you know that kind of trying to He goes You know The guy keeps talking to him And Tate goes Why don't you just swing on me Man come on Why don't you swing on me And the dude Like moves forward Tate leg kicks him And then pulls guard He just a whack And then pulls him Down onto him And then all of a sudden Throws this dude In the Omaplata And then from the Omapata Right when he's got This guy on the ground The guy's baffled He has no idea What the fuck Just happened Somehow or another Through the shittiest luck of all time.

[1101] This six -foot -six giant man who's been pushing people around his whole 22 years on this planet has run into the wrong motherfucker in a hotel lobby while he's drunk at the Hard Rock Cafe in Vegas.

[1102] So Tate pulls an alma plato off on this guy and he's got this guy face down, all of his weight on him, hiped out, and these fucking security guards show up out of nowhere.

[1103] And they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down.

[1104] I go, dude, I go, don't worry, it's fine.

[1105] And the guy goes, you're the Fear Factor guy.

[1106] And I go, yeah, what's up, man?

[1107] I go, listen, it's fine.

[1108] He's just going to choke him to sleep.

[1109] That's what I love.

[1110] That's my favorite part of the sleep.

[1111] So when Tate says he's just going to choke him to sleep, when I say he's just going to choke him sleep, tape says, okay.

[1112] So Tate just transitions from the Omopla -Pata to the rear naked choke.

[1113] Chokes this guy completely unconscious.

[1114] Thump, head down.

[1115] His friends who had been with him the entire thing.

[1116] time or apologizing for him.

[1117] We're happy nobody was beating them up.

[1118] Pick this guy up.

[1119] He's like, what happened?

[1120] What happened?

[1121] They push him into an elevator and he disappears.

[1122] They push him into this elevator and the door is closed and this guy vanishes.

[1123] And we never see this guy again.

[1124] This is the end.

[1125] Tate never heard him.

[1126] He never punched him.

[1127] All he did, even when he kicked him, he only kicked him to get the guy to react and then pulled him.

[1128] Like he kicked him light.

[1129] He just hit him with a light inside leg kick and Tate was so confident about it.

[1130] He was just coming off the ultimate fighter.

[1131] I mean, he's just fighting professional fighters a couple of weeks ago.

[1132] Leg kicks this guy, drags him to the ground.

[1133] The best, okay, I'm obsessed with small details and stories.

[1134] They make a story for me. My favorite parts of this story, okay, is that you guys are sharing adjoining rooms, Eddie Bravo's there.

[1135] I love that.

[1136] I love that, because what you have is a coach of that story.

[1137] I love that you say a subtle leg kick, and then he throws him into an Omaplata.

[1138] Like, the fact that that makes a story so fucking good.

[1139] And then, when the security card comes up, you go, don't worry my friend's a professional fighter he's just going to put him to sleep well i didn't say that i didn't say he's a professional friend whatever he's not going to get hurt he's just going to put him asleep and so when i say he's just going to put him and i it all started because the dude said something and then tate said something like relaxed dude and the guy backed away and then eddie bravo eddie bravo goes you're the one who's talking shit and then backing up oh and when he said that because eddie kind of instigated it a little bit the guy I got what's coming.

[1140] Don't get me wrong.

[1141] Because the guy was the one who told Tate that was his room.

[1142] The guy was the one who banged on the door.

[1143] But when Tate came out of the room with zero fear in his eyes and a slight smirk, I think the dude, even through his drunken haze, was going, I might have just stuck my fucking hand in the wrong bees nest.

[1144] I've done that.

[1145] You get into a fight with a guy and then he smiles and you see it as adult braces, and you're like, oh, I'm fucked.

[1146] Adult braces make you vulnerable.

[1147] Why would adult braces be a sign?

[1148] That's a sign of vanity.

[1149] Oh, you don't read.

[1150] the way I do.

[1151] I'd be confident.

[1152] If I saw a grown man with adult braces, I'd be like, what about your nose?

[1153] What are you going to do about your ears once you fix your teeth?

[1154] That's so interesting.

[1155] You're a weird headline, son.

[1156] I'm going to fuck you up.

[1157] I read it as a guy whose kids didn't care about his dad and mom didn't care about his smile, so they didn't care about slapping around.

[1158] So he's tougher than me. Like, I got an appliance when I was like eight.

[1159] So, like, I look at it at the opposite way.

[1160] I remember the kids that didn't get appliances and braces, and they were the kids who parents let him smoke cigarettes and I was like oh fuck that I'm not fucking with that guy that's interesting yeah I read it opposite hey can you do okay I know you're gonna I know you're not gonna like this idea but sometimes I keep talking sometimes I sometimes I sometimes I feel like I say I read you when I shouldn't read you but then I okay what just me or everybody you specifically you're the most you're like a fucking squirrel I can never figure out where you're going.

[1161] Like, I go, I go, oh, then Joe will, like, Joe will think this is funny, and then I say it, and then you go, why, why would you say that?

[1162] And then I go, fuck.

[1163] But, okay, here's my thought.

[1164] What if you did, like, an entourage show, but we're, stop right now.

[1165] See, what do I say?

[1166] No shows.

[1167] Motherfucker.

[1168] Done.

[1169] Hold on, stop, back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up.

[1170] Let me just, can I pitch it?

[1171] Please.

[1172] Let's go to outlet stores.

[1173] What about, what about, like, 10 years ago?

[1174] Ten years ago.

[1175] Yeah, like, I don't.

[1176] want it now, but like a 10 years ago where you cast it, you write it, but about your life all fear factor with hanging out with mixed martial artists living in the wild like pot, times, early beginnings of fame, much like entourage, which I was a fan of, maybe not everyone was.

[1177] Nothing.

[1178] This one as well as the time I pitched the snake tamer to Russell Simmons.

[1179] I thought you're going to say the snake taint snake.

[1180] No. But wouldn't that be, I'd like to see that.

[1181] These old stories, snakes, taint.

[1182] They don't really have a tank.

[1183] It's just a line.

[1184] Taints, is the snakes have dicks?

[1185] How does snakes fuck?

[1186] On top of each other, I think.

[1187] I think they have an internal dick.

[1188] Yeah, it goes into their body, but it comes out, I'm sure.

[1189] You guys are so tactical.

[1190] You guys should probably teach science courses.

[1191] On snake fucking.

[1192] Can I get some of that?

[1193] I had a respect for my friend Justin Collett.

[1194] You wouldn't do a scripty show?

[1195] We'd be drinking makers market.

[1196] No, I'm done, dude.

[1197] I'm done.

[1198] No, just produce it.

[1199] Not starring it.

[1200] It's over.

[1201] It's over.

[1202] Why?

[1203] Because any time I'm spending, producing a television show, it's time that I'm not playing freeze tag with my kids.

[1204] I'm not doing it.

[1205] Okay.

[1206] I got enough time in this world.

[1207] I'm doing podcasts.

[1208] I'm doing UFC commentary.

[1209] I'm doing stand -up comedy.

[1210] And sleeping.

[1211] I just love those old stories.

[1212] Don't be scared.

[1213] Homi .com.

[1214] Oh, time to get some ice.

[1215] yeah i have no desire to be involved in anything scripted ever again i'm doing uh you know i'm doing an episode of mark marron show coming up i'm psyched about that i'll do like little episodes of shit but there's a lot of things i want to do man i want to be a pilot i want to fucking go to the moon i'm gonna fucking wrestle how about how about i would love to learn how to fly planes i just don't have the time it's a lot i i get obsessed with shit very easily so my my problem is never not having things to do my problem is never being bored my problem is the total opposite my problem is god damn it's not enough time to do everything there's not enough time to do everything it does feel like that I wanted to learn how to fly helicopters after being in New Zealand have you seen Bill Burr's new special for everybody who's listening to this podcast please I am apologetic to the extreme right now I know I've been repetitive about this I love when someone does a special that is legit funny.

[1216] And Bill Burr's new special is legit funny.

[1217] And he's got a bit about fucking helicopters.

[1218] It's one of the funniest, silliest, goofiest bits.

[1219] I love it.

[1220] It's a fucking great bit.

[1221] It released the day I went to Tokyo.

[1222] And I was going to, I bought yours was the last one I bought.

[1223] I get it on.

[1224] It's super simple.

[1225] Go on Comedy Central .com.

[1226] I got yours.

[1227] Well, you can actually download mine, right?

[1228] Netflix doesn't let you download it.

[1229] You have to stream it.

[1230] So you can't, like, load it.

[1231] it on to...

[1232] No, I got it on my iPad, Mini.

[1233] I got it on my iPad, Mini.

[1234] Netflix lets you do that?

[1235] Comedy Central.

[1236] It was the link you put up.

[1237] Mine, mine, yeah.

[1238] But I'm saying Bill Burrs is on Netflix.

[1239] I don't think Netflix, I think they just said recently, they're not going to allow you to ever watch things offline, right?

[1240] Isn't that?

[1241] Yeah.

[1242] Is that the case?

[1243] That's unfortunate.

[1244] Well, yeah.

[1245] Just be on the offering.

[1246] But planes.

[1247] What about fucking planes?

[1248] That's where I watch everything.

[1249] Can you load it up?

[1250] Can you load Bill's podcast up and then buffer it up?

[1251] up on a plane can you load it you can't do it you can download you can't download it but you can't download it because you can't watch online you have to stream it so if you're flying australia you couldn't watch something on netflix i could see yours i had yours on my ipad you can download mine you pay five bucks you own it that's yeah it's yours and it didn't take that right now unless you unless they have it also on itunes it will be available later probably on yeah but like a year later i feel like i feel like i'm waiting out the the the the wave to find out how to fuck to do an hour these days because i don't know it's like i'm we everyone was like oh put it online for five bucks like louis k and now it's like oh everyone does netflix oh you can't watch it online do it on comedy i like the i like the fact that yours the way yours was done for me personally as a user was a lot more user friendly well the reason why i did this latest one with both is because i i i knew my for the last one i did it was it was good To release it online.

[1252] Yeah, it was good to release it online and do the five buck thing.

[1253] And it made all its money back.

[1254] But then it made some money.

[1255] But then I sold it to Comedy Central, so it made more money.

[1256] But the Comedy Central model, the way they're doing it now, allows you to do both.

[1257] They put it on regular television and then they have it uncensored 18 minutes longer on the internet.

[1258] That's what I want.

[1259] I don't want the one.

[1260] I don't never going to watch Comedy Central.

[1261] It's perfect.

[1262] It's both.

[1263] But you might, I mean, look, it's good to have it.

[1264] Like, if someone's flipping through the channels, and they catch your special, and you're killing.

[1265] They go, holy shit, Bert Kreischer's fucking hilarious.

[1266] And then they - Sebastian Man of Scalco.

[1267] I saw his special two nights ago.

[1268] I couldn't sleep.

[1269] A man cave.

[1270] And it was on.

[1271] And I said, you know what?

[1272] I don't think I've ever seen him live.

[1273] I did the same thing.

[1274] Well, I have seen him live, but I did the same thing.

[1275] I was watching on Showtime in my hotel room.

[1276] And I was like, holy shit, this is a really good special.

[1277] So I texted him.

[1278] I didn't text him.

[1279] Oh, you son of a bitch.

[1280] Text him now, bitch.

[1281] His brilliance is in his simplicity.

[1282] Ah, let's go.

[1283] Keep going.

[1284] Keep going forward.

[1285] Yeah.

[1286] Well, he's a funny dude.

[1287] He's a good dude, too.

[1288] But the point being that I know him already, and I already know he's funny, and I enjoyed it watching it on TV randomly.

[1289] Flipping through the dials, boom, look, it's Sebastian.

[1290] Okay, let's see what Sebastian's up to, and I watch a special.

[1291] Really good.

[1292] Yeah, I don't know.

[1293] My next hour special is going to be at the DC Improv at 11 a .m. in the morning.

[1294] What a good idea.

[1295] calling sick to work tour that's the appropriate response this is a shit idea no people left to actually work no it's been selling out i bet it has yeah what you want degenerates and fucking people on welfare in your in your audience no i go people on i go and do radio unemployment and i and i drink at radio sometimes and i go right to sometimes sometimes a long times but yeah i've been calling sick to work show it's been selling out everywhere how many you're you're you're doing 11 a .m. shows all of the country you're serious i'm being dead serious i'm being dead serious i thought you you were joking.

[1296] That's weird.

[1297] It's in D .C., sold out in 20 minutes.

[1298] Is it weird doing comedy during the day, though?

[1299] I mean, the clubs look identical to the night.

[1300] The only thing I'm afraid is that I'm not giving them something different enough.

[1301] So, like, in Pittsburgh came like 30 tickets away from selling out.

[1302] Mitch Fettel came in and did a set, and we all dressed in matching.

[1303] I wish, maybe I'm overthinking it, but I feel like there should be something more for an 11 a .m. show, but it's like St. Patty's Day.

[1304] It's like, why can't St. Paddy's Day?

[1305] I love St. Patty's Day.

[1306] I'm taking this shit to the next level.

[1307] I need to find a spot to do a 5 a .m. 4 .20 a. No, 5 a .m. 4 .20 is passe.

[1308] Do it.

[1309] I'm tired of it.

[1310] I don't want you to be able to stay awake.

[1311] Joe.

[1312] I want you to have to get up.

[1313] Joe, do you know how much fun of the 5 a .m. Show is?

[1314] You're taking away the brilliance of that idea.

[1315] What you just said is genius.

[1316] I want to set my alarm to wake up to have something to look forward to.

[1317] Yeah, but really bizarre.

[1318] Like, everybody there knows they fucked up.

[1319] Everybody knows that they got there at 5 a .m. No. Or did they share 5 a .m. Yeah.

[1320] With Joe Rogan and Edmonton.

[1321] Well, there's that...

[1322] Not Edmonton.

[1323] I'm not doing it in Edmonton, dude.

[1324] Let's just say, let's say, Calgary.

[1325] Those people have jobs.

[1326] Denver.

[1327] We need to do it in America.

[1328] Let's do Denver.

[1329] Can't be in Canada where it's cold.

[1330] Denver.

[1331] 5 a .m. show.

[1332] Nope.

[1333] You do it.

[1334] Denver.

[1335] It's got to be some more weird, like Albuquerque.

[1336] Okay.

[1337] But there's no comedy club in Albuquerque.

[1338] So we're going to have to do somebody weirder.

[1339] Somewhere weirder, like, Nashville, South Dakota.

[1340] Nashville.

[1341] Nashville, a 5 in the morning.

[1342] Nashville, a 5 a .m. show.

[1343] Egg sandwiches, coffee, prosa.

[1344] But the best egg sandwiches you ever had.

[1345] In Nashville?

[1346] And mimosis.

[1347] No. The best egg sandwiches you've ever had come from the Rogan residents, because I have chickens that wander around, and they pick grass, and they have these eggs that have this dark orange yolk that taste delicious.

[1348] You don't even know what eggs taste like.

[1349] Here's what I want.

[1350] You've been buying some city slicker eggs With all your pale blonde yolks Best thing in Vietnam was their egg sandwiches Light crispy Vietnamese breads With two over -easy eggs dumped inside it With this hot sauce that was amazing Best things I've ever had I ate fucking I'm gonna bring any Vietnamese woman to your house to make egg sandwich Guess what?

[1351] You're not You bring her to my house Not doing that You're not teaching that chick where I live I'm going to teach you good Hey, where's the camera right now Trying to school you Can you move it another way?

[1352] Why are you trying to do something?

[1353] Oh, I want to party.

[1354] Oh, you want to smoke a joint And the travel channel doesn't let you.

[1355] No, I don't know.

[1356] Your slave masters prohibit you from using certain unauthorized medicines.

[1357] I don't use marijuana.

[1358] Plant medicines.

[1359] Even when the federal government is...

[1360] The federal government has recently relaxed all of its legislation when it comes to medical marijuana, which by the way we all have prescriptions, and you do, I think, by proxy.

[1361] I will self -diagnose you as an internet physician.

[1362] I believe you need marijuana.

[1363] I feel it's important for almost everything you do, and everything you do without marijuana is to the detriment of the human race.

[1364] Hey, I just keep thinking of this fucking owl thing And the guy Standing outside Gelson's and people are coming up with bird feeder And he's slapping out of their hands What are the fuck you doing?

[1365] They're like, and the guy pulls him aside He goes, hey man, there's another way.

[1366] We can cut down trees.

[1367] Some asshole with one of those two -handed saws Like a fucking pioneer.

[1368] I love this fucking life.

[1369] Pilgrim.

[1370] The shitty saw.

[1371] Have you seen these new, dude, there's these new fucking, these new machines.

[1372] that they cut the tree they strip all of the branches off the tree, all the bark off the tree, they saw it into sections and drop it.

[1373] Have you seen these things?

[1374] No. Pull these things up.

[1375] There's these new machines that they use, and it's almost unfair.

[1376] It's like, I've been talking about this lately.

[1377] We have a weird hierarchy when it comes to animals, because fish, we don't think of necessarily of fish as animals the way we think of as like lamb or cows.

[1378] Do you know why Patrice on the other side?

[1379] They weren't?

[1380] They don't have eyebrows.

[1381] He said you can't see them look at you like oh what the fuck do you just?

[1382] That's so true.

[1383] That's pretty true.

[1384] Well they're not you know they don't live in our world the thing about fish they live in that weird world that weird wet world I mean if I'm going to eat anybody I'm going to eat some dude from another plane.

[1385] planet, right?

[1386] If I'm going to eat a person, if it comes between eating some guy who lives down the street for me or eating some guy who lives on Avatar, I'm going to eat the avatar.

[1387] What is this?

[1388] This is one of the machines.

[1389] There's a few different kind of those.

[1390] No, no, no, no, no, no. You're talking about it.

[1391] This is a machine.

[1392] It grabs the tree, pulls it out of the ground, cuts it in half, I mean, all on the spot.

[1393] It's the most...

[1394] Oh, I've seen that we're just Yeah.

[1395] Yeah.

[1396] It's crazy.

[1397] It's almost unfair.

[1398] It's almost unfair how it does it.

[1399] But anyway, the way we treat fish is so different than the way we treat any animal.

[1400] animal.

[1401] If we had, if there was a video of people taking cows in a net and just scooping them up with like tanks, they roll tanks across the field, drag these nets, scoop these cows up, hoist them up in the air, and they just suffocate them.

[1402] Just suffocate them.

[1403] They don't even kill the fish.

[1404] They don't even kill tuna.

[1405] They just let them die.

[1406] They don't kill them.

[1407] They pull them out of the water and go, yeah, I guess that's it.

[1408] He's like, we could maybe have a bullet in the brain.

[1409] No, man, bullets are expensive.

[1410] Hey, man, make it this easy.

[1411] You got to suffocate.

[1412] Hey, in a couple minutes, you'll be dead as fuck, so don't sweat it.

[1413] We just pull them out of the water.

[1414] Can you imagine if we just, every time someone killed a cow, they killed it with a pillow?

[1415] Do you know how a bunch of people would freak out?

[1416] The visual of just dumping, visually dumping cows onto a flat, just like a big boat.

[1417] Oh, dude, outrage.

[1418] Oh my God, people would freak out.

[1419] If you had a boat but it was on tractor wheels and it was in the middle of a cornfield and you're scooping cows up and dropping them on their fucking heads, people would freak out.

[1420] But the same people would say, I don't eat meat, I don't eat animals, but occasionally I have some sushi.

[1421] If my blood feels thin, I'll have some sushi.

[1422] Because we don't think of fish as being.

[1423] the same as a deer a beautiful deer i've definitely it's the thing you're talking about taking first time hunters out i've definitely caught fish and kill fish and flayed them and scaled them you don't feel bad at all right i have no remorse uh however i was around someone when they killed a buffalo and it was weird it's dark i was like i don't know if i don't know where what are you watching whatever happened to the trees that we're pulling down you're at two guys one fish have you seen nope don't want to watch it stop i want to see the come on man yeah i was looking for it matters in your own hands.

[1424] You'll find the fucking video that we were just talking about.

[1425] I love the way Brian's non -sequitur to brain works.

[1426] He goes, two guys, one fish.

[1427] Have you seen this?

[1428] Yeah, there's nothing to do with what we're talking about.

[1429] You know what's so funny is that...

[1430] Had to go fish in it.

[1431] There are things...

[1432] We're trying to find, like, a really profound video on the, like, the efficiency of these machines that are chopping down logs.

[1433] It's like, it's almost like you're watching it, going, whoa, whoa, it's too fast.

[1434] It's supposed to be an axe.

[1435] It's supposed to take time.

[1436] This is a life form.

[1437] You don't respect it.

[1438] You're stealing thousands of them.

[1439] Yeah, yeah, that's the machine.

[1440] Now find that shit in a video.

[1441] It's a gif.

[1442] Watch this.

[1443] Dude, it is fucking crazy.

[1444] Look, it cuts the machine, or the machine cuts the log.

[1445] Look at this.

[1446] It strips it and just starts sawing it into fucking sections.

[1447] It's crazy.

[1448] It cuts it in literally two seconds.

[1449] Lifts this giant tree in the air.

[1450] This tractor arm strips these logs of branches and then saws it into like 20 foot or 12 foot sections, whatever the fuck they are.

[1451] Whatever the name of that machine is, I've had that blowjump before.

[1452] Wow.

[1453] Just teethy, just hunk.

[1454] You need to complain before it cuts your dick off.

[1455] You need to complain, like, as it starts its process of...

[1456] I'm not good, popularizing my needs.

[1457] If we did what we do to fish to any other animal, people would freak out.

[1458] We have a weird hierarchy.

[1459] We could probably do it to hamsters.

[1460] No!

[1461] People love mammals.

[1462] There's something weird.

[1463] but why can't we do it to dolphins then is it because they make noises they're smart but no no but they're really smart no but everybody they're the same like like a shark dies on the deck of a boat no one they go you know yeah we had to catch a big shark there was killing people right fish die but dolphins make noises and whales do too i wonder if that's why those are the two animals that society is averse to killing that are in the water you know what i mean right Well, they're mammals.

[1464] We're averse to killing all the mammals.

[1465] We're averse to killing whales and orcas and seals and sea lions.

[1466] Anything that's a mammal that breathes air, we have an affinity to things that breathe the same shit that we breathe.

[1467] We're really weird.

[1468] Like, things that can breathe underwater like, oh, you bitches, you're not even us.

[1469] Fuck you guys.

[1470] Freshmen.

[1471] I mean, what is the difference to you a fucking seal on a tuna?

[1472] Can someone tell me, are seals smarter?

[1473] Do they use tools?

[1474] They have language?

[1475] Do they use emojis?

[1476] Do they fucking have Facebook pages?

[1477] They're dirty, cunty animals with goofy teeth.

[1478] Okay?

[1479] What's the difference between them and some anglerfish or a tuna or a halibut?

[1480] Nothing.

[1481] They're just life forms that aren't people.

[1482] But when you beat them, they cry.

[1483] That's what it is.

[1484] Does seals cry when you beat them?

[1485] I'm thinking of walruses.

[1486] No, walruses are inherently more cunty than seals because of their teeth.

[1487] They have teeth privilege.

[1488] They have teeth privilege.

[1489] It's white privilege and it's long and it's hard.

[1490] It's both.

[1491] It's teeth, white teeth privilege, which is worse than even regular white privilege.

[1492] I wish sea life could, like, breathe in...

[1493] You have fangs.

[1494] You can't feel bad for things with fangs.

[1495] Can you imagine, like, all things, like, all fish and all sea life could breathe in space, and then you could just, like, have, like, fish swimming around in space?

[1496] Imagine if fish could just pop out of the ocean, just shoot right up to the moon.

[1497] That's genius!

[1498] What if you could throw a fish?

[1499] And if you got it high enough, it just went to the moon.

[1500] You're like, fuck you're like, fuck you!

[1501] You did that all night long.

[1502] If you had a slingshot that was sufficiently powerful enough that could launch a fucking big mouth bass to the moon.

[1503] What if it was only like, what if it was only 35 feet and you just were sitting with your friends like, I know, we sort of take it for granted that the Earth's atmosphere is what, you know, like 300 miles or something like that of air?

[1504] 300 miles up, it's just fucking space, right?

[1505] Like that's where the space station is.

[1506] It's all like 200 plus miles up.

[1507] But imagine if it wasn't 200 miles, just a mile.

[1508] Like all you have to do is you get that fish a mile That'd be awesome You have just fucking super slingshot That shoots fucking Northern Pike A mile into the sky And once you do they just swim around the earth Yeah And then they just swim in space Like they're travelers Like you'll see dolphins just swimming to Mars The best part of that is like after you sling it up That 13 seconds later We're like is it going to hit the ground next to us You can have an app that would trace the fish That you put the little badge on Put a drop cam, put a drop cam on your fish.

[1509] Oh, you can track your fish.

[1510] You can track your fucking stupid slingshot fish as it flies around the earth.

[1511] And imagine if things didn't starve to death, if they could just live off space air.

[1512] Why not?

[1513] Why do you have to eat things?

[1514] Who said?

[1515] Says who?

[1516] How come fucking plants aren't eating shit?

[1517] They're just sucking things out of the dirt.

[1518] How about you learn to suck shit out of space, stupid?

[1519] Gosh.

[1520] You get your big, your mouth stretches out, and you become just like a big, a big, Micrometeer suction cup, just sucking, fucking space dust and radiation.

[1521] You live off radiation.

[1522] We're like a caterpillar.

[1523] We need to start a Kickstarter for this.

[1524] Yeah.

[1525] You would change.

[1526] You morph.

[1527] Once you go into space, imagine if we found that out that people go into space.

[1528] We can live, but we become a totally different thing.

[1529] We become some weird micrometia, rather, suction cup.

[1530] We're just up there floating around like a jellyfish in the universe.

[1531] sucking particles and radiation out of the sky.

[1532] Pitch it to me, though.

[1533] This is what it is.

[1534] You think a caterpillar, when a caterpillar's living, it's funky -ass, Caterpillar life chewing on leaves and shit?

[1535] Do you think those motherfuckers know one day they'd be flying?

[1536] If they did, they'd be like, can I fly now?

[1537] What about now?

[1538] What about now?

[1539] No, you don't ever get to talk to them.

[1540] They're stupid.

[1541] Caterpillars just keep eating your leaves like your jeans dictate, and one day you'll huddle up in a little cocoon and pop out a magnificent, floating, literally a fairy.

[1542] I mean, what's the difference between a fairy and a butterfly?

[1543] Ferrys are stupid.

[1544] That's the difference.

[1545] Butterfly, you can see what happens.

[1546] Fairies don't even make sense.

[1547] Do they die?

[1548] Why do they die?

[1549] They're magic.

[1550] Can't you figure out a way to make them live forever?

[1551] How do the fairies?

[1552] Fuck?

[1553] Where do new fairies come from?

[1554] Ferrys come with too many problems, okay?

[1555] But butterflies, even in the gestation process and the process of becoming a butterfly from being a caterpillar, it's nothing but beautiful nature.

[1556] nothing but cocoons and and breaking free in the moment the first wings flutter and then launching itself instinctively into the air just flying around as a butterfly knowing what does it have like four or five days until it dies of old age if it's lucky who knows what does a butterfly live to be a month what difference does it make four days 20 days it's not a year they don't live that long they die quick as fuck they don't even care they just just follow through with that process and the reward is literally being able to negotiate through 3D space and this exuberant sort of orgasmic way that you'll never experience as a fucking lowly human being with bones and flesh.

[1557] They just fly, fly from plant to plant, sucking nectar out.

[1558] Would you trade it?

[1559] Nope.

[1560] Nope.

[1561] Hold on.

[1562] Here at the pitch.

[1563] At all.

[1564] I'll tell you right now.

[1565] What about you get 40 years your life.

[1566] In the last 30, you are technically the human version of the butterfly.

[1567] You can fly.

[1568] You feel 100 % perfect.

[1569] You can dive into water and dug to the deep end.

[1570] You're magical for 30 years.

[1571] I keep waiting for it, but you got to do some gay shit.

[1572] No. Because that's where, like, whenever.

[1573] Yeah, you have to be at ferry.

[1574] You have to sit dicks, like, the whole time.

[1575] No, but, like, would you trade?

[1576] You can only breathe through dicks.

[1577] Three quarters of your life.

[1578] You could only breathe through dick.

[1579] You don't necessarily have to stop to death, but you've got to breathe through dicks.

[1580] Are you in?

[1581] And you're just tearing through West Hollywood like, well, you're tearing through space.

[1582] You've got to find dicks in space.

[1583] It contain oxygen.

[1584] That's what...

[1585] Just big, giant, juicy dicks that are attached to clouds.

[1586] Oh, good Lord.

[1587] Oh, fuck me. Oh, someone make a gif of that.

[1588] Big cloud dick.

[1589] Big giant dicks attached to clouds.

[1590] You're sucking on them from fucking station to station as you float through heaven.

[1591] I'm sure there's people out there offended right now.

[1592] I think there are people lost.

[1593] I'm with you.

[1594] I'm with you.

[1595] Whatever's happened on the show, Bert and I didn't plan it.

[1596] Nope.

[1597] We're not happy about it.

[1598] It's not what we expected.

[1599] We were hoping for some stories.

[1600] about Vietnam.

[1601] I called Burt up the other day.

[1602] This is how rare Burt Kreisher is.

[1603] What are you doing, man?

[1604] Riding motorcycles in Vietnam!

[1605] There's not a single person I know where I can call them up in the middle of the day.

[1606] I go, what's up, dude?

[1607] What are you doing, man?

[1608] Oh, I'm riding motorcycles in Vietnam.

[1609] Who the fuck says that?

[1610] Bert Kreiser.

[1611] Every time I call Bert.

[1612] Oh, I'm on a roller coaster in Angola.

[1613] I'm on top of a mountain on a zip line.

[1614] Whoa!

[1615] I'm talking to you up Bluetooth.

[1616] This is crazy.

[1617] If that's not like Mr. Bill?

[1618] He's a new show called Mr. Burton.

[1619] Oh, no, oh, no. That is a real conversation, is it not?

[1620] I called you up.

[1621] You said you're riding motorcycles in Vietnam.

[1622] It was very real.

[1623] It was very real.

[1624] There was, yeah, it was, and I, I listed off like nine different things I had done with last week, and you were like, what the fuck?

[1625] The fuck you kept going, I forget the word you're using, but I loved it.

[1626] You were like, you're a madman.

[1627] You're a madman.

[1628] You're a madman.

[1629] You are.

[1630] You live in the life of a man man man. You're out there fucking going to do.

[1631] different countries almost every month experiencing some wild crazy shit dude you're jumping out of fucking planes and you're on there's animals involved in your behavior there's a lot of shit going down dude you're doing a lot of crazy trips it's been it's scuba diving scuba diving was the one that fucked me up the most how deep did you go burke chrycher 80 feet what the fuck burke chrycher that's a big space there was a wreck down there a boat very similar to the one that i got off on there was a fucking boat That's a fucking daunting thought.

[1632] You're getting off a boat, looking at a boat that failed, going, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, thinking the last time anyone saw this, it was all panic.

[1633] Like, this is a boat's last moment.

[1634] This is, I'm going to a fucking wreck.

[1635] I'm going to a place of terror.

[1636] It's like visiting a crime scene.

[1637] Where was this again?

[1638] Uh, Fiji.

[1639] Fiji.

[1640] And they bring us out horrible weather.

[1641] What year did the boat crash?

[1642] Uh, 40s, I think.

[1643] Everything around Fiji crashed.

[1644] 1940s, yeah, yeah.

[1645] Uh, everything has.

[1646] to do with World War II.

[1647] Whoa.

[1648] So, yeah, it's stormy weather, six foot seas, and we get in the water, and it's, I always say, like, if you, if you think you'd love scuba diving, you'd love scuba diving.

[1649] But if you think you may not enjoy it, you'll fucking hate it.

[1650] Like, it is not one of those for the faint of heart.

[1651] Yeah, but you are a guy, this is a fascinating thing about you, man. you're a guy who's had your anxiety issues you've talked about it this burke crusher lean and mean looking sexy as fucking a lot of hair loss but yet you do a lot of like really crazy shit you do a lot of like wild trips with these people this show trip flip brings you all over the world like you're doing like some things that you would think that someone who would have anxiety or or who would think about all the variables in life and kind of panic a little bit you wouldn't be drawn to this but you you excel at this so you're you're you're a lot of ways you're a contradiction man you're a contradiction yeah i don't know i can't figure it out i i wish i could i can figure you out in a way how okay i'm gonna tell you something about you okay you're this like really happy go lucky guy but you're also very competitive i saw you play pool when you play pool you wanted to win you wanted to win right I'm not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, a little bit of bird is bullshit.

[1652] You're being kind, you're being kind.

[1653] You're a sweetheart of a guy.

[1654] But you're like, hey, who cares who wins?

[1655] You want to fucking win, dude.

[1656] Right?

[1657] Am I right?

[1658] Yeah.

[1659] I noticed it.

[1660] No, there's not, there's not like a...

[1661] There's a fire in your eyes.

[1662] I was like, ooh, I have the same thing you have where I go, I don't know, this is a, horrible topic No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is a horrible topic.

[1663] This is a good topic, dude.

[1664] Listen, I'll give you, I'll give you way better.

[1665] I'll give you way better.

[1666] I, I had a really hard time liking people if I lost to them in anything until I was almost 30.

[1667] I, I really had a hard, I couldn't, I didn't like people if I lost to them.

[1668] I didn't like them.

[1669] Yeah.

[1670] Like, I couldn't be your friend.

[1671] Like, if we played chess and you, you beat me in chess, I wanted to kill you.

[1672] It's retarded.

[1673] It's so, like, it's so dopey.

[1674] it's like such a really bad way of managing thoughts so i connect with that all i'm saying is you wanted to win a game of pool in a weird way can i tell you can i tell you what i by the way this is way this is way not how bad you want to win that game brachre i am afraid that i are you afraid of your father bert shh bryan what about the time he pissed on the table the father -in -law's table he's Pissin, you're afraid.

[1675] Clouds 50s.

[1676] Come on, man. You wanted to win that game, dude.

[1677] I know when dudes want to win.

[1678] I'm like, ooh, it smells hot in here.

[1679] Dude, this is a horrible conversation.

[1680] No, it's good conversation.

[1681] This is fucking drop it.

[1682] No, no, no, no, no. Listen, you're a beautiful human being.

[1683] I'm not calling you out.

[1684] No. What I'm saying is, when I say a little bit of bird's bullshit, it's like, there's a reason why you're such a funny guy.

[1685] It's a reason why you're such a good comic.

[1686] And one of the reasons why is because you're so likable, you know, you're like so ingratiating.

[1687] You're such a good guy, but you're not a pushover.

[1688] Like, there's a reason why you're successful, too, is like, you know when to be nice and when to be not nice.

[1689] And when you engage you in a little game, that's when you get to see, oh, there's a fire under the hood of Burt Chrysher.

[1690] Look, we played one game of pool.

[1691] I know.

[1692] That's what's so exciting about it.

[1693] I have, I empathize with, like, I mean, I'm a lot.

[1694] to say this, I'm, I'm, just to be honest, I empathize the guys like Todd Glass, where I feel like sometimes I hear him on a podcast and he is the butt of every joke.

[1695] And I always constantly know that Todd isn't, that he's a super talented dude who's amazing, all on and off with the nicest guys in the world.

[1696] I think my fear in, in college was that I wasn't this dude who, like, I'm not that guy that's like, two girls, one chick, fuck yeah, that's not me. But I also felt like that took something away.

[1697] Two girls, one chick is three girls.

[1698] Why are we talking about that thing?

[1699] Two guys and a chick?

[1700] Right.

[1701] Like, that's not me. I can't do that.

[1702] I've never had that other than my DNA.

[1703] But I've always felt like, like, if you're not competitive, you're not male.

[1704] And I never want people to think, I'm a really nice guy, but I never want to think about a pushover that you could steal from.

[1705] Yes.

[1706] But sadly, and way too fucked up.

[1707] have this conversation, I feel like that I am that guy, that I've been so nice that I've been taking advantage of.

[1708] Well, you have, and I know you have, because we've talked about people that you are friends with or you've had bad experiences with, and, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with being competitive.

[1709] I think, and not only that, I think being competitive is good for everybody around you, because I think that, especially if you're competitive, like, with a game or something that you're trying to get better at a game and another guy's trying to get better at a game, when you start doing that it fires up your intensity level like it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative thing right why can't you enjoy a negative thing if you fall short if you fall short you want to blame it on the other person instead of blaming on yourself but if like we play pool and I miss a shot and you run eight balls and you sink the nine ball and you win that is not all I did was fuck up you did amazing shit I should be psyched like you should be psyched you should be like wow man I got to step it up but some guys like this motherfucker You feel it.

[1710] And it's literally just a thought management thing.

[1711] I know.

[1712] Some people who look at life that way.

[1713] And it's this, like, they get a little bit of a shot back and they start barking.

[1714] And they think their bark is important.

[1715] And we've both been guilty.

[1716] Everyone in this room has been guilty of that, right?

[1717] Yes, 100%.

[1718] That's a natural human behavior, especially when you're young.

[1719] And some guys even, you know, it's like 10 years is not as much time as you think it is.

[1720] Everybody wants to think it's a long time.

[1721] I mean, it can be, if you're in jail, if you're in a bad job or a shit relationship, 10 years can take a long time.

[1722] But it also can be incredibly quick.

[1723] And what you learn in a 10 -year span is like, you know, it's not that much sometimes.

[1724] Some people, you know, especially when you're busy, you don't really grow that much in 10 fucking years.

[1725] That's so true.

[1726] There's the capacity you have not to grow in a three -year period is shocking.

[1727] Especially if you're busy.

[1728] If you're busy, especially if you're busy, especially if you're, you're, especially if you're, You're busy doing some shit you don't necessarily want to do.

[1729] Oh, but there's nothing wrong.

[1730] Point being, there's nothing wrong with being competitive.

[1731] The real problem is getting upset at people who are better than you at shit.

[1732] You should be happy.

[1733] That's me. I celebrate everyone.

[1734] But there is a competitive bone in my body.

[1735] Like, trust me what I say.

[1736] Bill Burr told a joke on Conan about cancer.

[1737] It was really out there.

[1738] Was it during the Lance Armstrong rant?

[1739] We were talking about Lance Armstrong having ball cancer?

[1740] No. It was, I'm, and Bill, I'm sure I'm fucking this up.

[1741] But I appreciate the joke, is that the fact that the NFL is now going to take over cancer, and in the middle of the game, they shut it down, and then they stop for a moment of silence for cancer.

[1742] And then they start the game back up, and I'm supposed to be there.

[1743] And he goes, I would never do that in a fucking living with my buddy, like stop moving, and go, hey, my dad died of pancreatic, and they started back up again.

[1744] Now, I'll tell you this.

[1745] It's a great fucking, it's something that I've seen a ton of and thought a ton of, but I haven't thought of.

[1746] Now, my competitiveness is not with Bill Burr.

[1747] I respect Bill Burr beyond a doubt.

[1748] You just wish you had thought, you had already thought of the idea.

[1749] You just never did anything with it.

[1750] And that doesn't go.

[1751] Look, and this is going to sound cunty, but that doesn't go away, the more a man you are.

[1752] I will always respect my friends.

[1753] And I say guys that I don't talk to that much.

[1754] But Daniel Tosh, I will always respect the way he writes jokes.

[1755] I'm also in my head.

[1756] I'm concerned that my joke writing is.

[1757] isn't to par with his or that my work ethic and that's where I fail my work ethic isn't to par with his I hung up with stand open his work ethic is is beyond mine but are partying levels at par and so I definitely look at Doug is like an inspiration I go I go how do I get to where Doug's at to where I'm partying like really hard but writing but still writing I mean I just I feel like I feel like I'm in a sabbatical with this trip flip and you said this to me the other day and And now I'm hammered.

[1758] You said this to me the other day.

[1759] You go, I said, yeah.

[1760] Drink a bottle of champagne.

[1761] You said, if you, I just grabbed a glass.

[1762] It wasn't there.

[1763] You said, are you writing about this shit that you're doing?

[1764] Because I told you like three things I did.

[1765] Yeah.

[1766] And you were like, and I was like, ah.

[1767] You got to write about it.

[1768] You should be talking about it on stage.

[1769] Your act would be so unique.

[1770] Because who the fuck is going to talk about riding motorcycles in Vietnam or?

[1771] Jamie, show him the, the, any, show him the, show him the, rope swing I did in Utah in Moab I mean I like Are we saying this in air quotes or is it a real rope swing?

[1772] No I was feeling the lava lamp I was feeling the lava lamp But if you're going the rope swing No You hanging on to it Can I tell you what I thought?

[1773] I thought I have superhuman powers and I could feel the lava lamp from far away And I was like Probably you do It just turns out it's hot Well that's superhuman powers That's it just not that strong I love this part of my life Slightly superhuman this part of your life every part this is we did this whoa what is this guy's what's up with his hat he's young go back to the clip go back to the clip Jamie's young what are you doing is there we not supposed to show this or something no no no this is what we did will this will this get us pulled from YouTube is that why you guys are doing this maybe so what are you doing you're on like a rope it's a canyon swing oh my God that's the Corona Arch you're swinging off of like a bungee quarter some shit it's a rope it's a climbing rope two climbing ropes for exact christ dude burr christia why why scare people like this I don't you know man if it breaks you go flying through the air if it breaks you know they tell you not to wear a helmet because they're like you don't want what happens oh you're right you just want to die just die god damn dude it really is fantastic how fast are you going when this is happening oh at least 80 miles an hour Jesus Christ dude oh my god but yeah this uh this this hole whole season has been really insane shit like this where you just are like fuck that yeah you're skydiving you're doing all kinds of nutty shit man but you get in touch with the your inner paranoia oh do you get in touch with the I wish I didn't feminize this but the little bitch in your heart that goes that goes hey man what are we doing and you're like oh I'll fucking know the little bitch in your heart like that should be the title of your next special cloud dick you should do it you should do You should do your next special all on these crazy vacations and then call your next special the little bitch in your heart and just talk about the terror that you experience on a semi -weekly basis.

[1774] What's going on here, Burke Chrysler?

[1775] Oh, this is, we did this.

[1776] It's called The Chair of Death.

[1777] It aired last week.

[1778] The Chair of Death.

[1779] It's a 420 -foot free fall.

[1780] Rope swing in New Zealand.

[1781] Rope swings are the best, man. If I could open up a rope swing company, And if you're out there and any of you guys are listening, I know how great the reach of the show works.

[1782] I want to get into rope swings.

[1783] Like, they're fucking next level.

[1784] There's so much more fun than bungee, so much more safer than unattached revol.

[1785] Don't worry about the braking?

[1786] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Trust your equipment.

[1787] Nope, I don't worry.

[1788] I don't worry because if you start worrying, Joe, you're up at 2 a .m. and fucking New Zealand, spiraling out in a shower thinking, I got bigger things than this.

[1789] Yeah.

[1790] It's steep that is.

[1791] It is.

[1792] So what happens?

[1793] here you're on this ledge explain this to the people are just audio which is like 90 % of the people it is literally a diving board 490 feet above so you're sitting this woman is sitting in a chair with her back to the edge of this platform that is many hundreds of feet over the ground imagine sitting on the back of a diving board at 500 feet over the ground right and you are pushing your own chair backwards like you're in your office yeah and you're casually relaxing until you go over too far and then what these guys are doing on the ledge is they stop her they stop her about nine times so she feels like she may fall and they stop her and then they bring her back and go hey whoa what are you doing and then they do it so how far does she fall uh the the stats are on there um i think it's 420 feet yeah what the fuck it is 120 feet i'll be real honest free fall at 420 is a moment when you're done you're like i'm either dead and in heaven or that was the greatest thing i ever fucking did in my life oh my god let me do it with you i did your show we shot clay pigeons with no worry whatsoever about the repercussions i'll tell you what we shot some shotguns at some pellets or some uh discs it was really fun it was fun man yeah shotguning um like shooting shotguns at um discs is really fun it's really hard to judge like if you never shot a shotgun before.

[1794] Like, I might have shot a shotgun, like, maybe once or twice ever before I did that.

[1795] And so doing it was really, it was interesting.

[1796] It's like, the, like, you think about those people that, like, the people that, like, were shooting guns, like, way back in the day, their sights were so, like, archaic.

[1797] The idea was just, like, there was, like, a point that you had a line up with this thing at the end, and that's how you, like, looked, and you tried to figure out, and you had to shoot a lot of shots.

[1798] Now you get to that.

[1799] You get a lot of, these goddamn super powerful optics and you just get that cross hair on it as long as you don't flinch just pull and squeeze the trigger boom most of them are pretty goddamn accurate but like shotguns like shotguns is just down the barrel things are flying things are moving and the shotgun doesn't shoot as fast as a bullet it's not like you can just hold it in place and like it has like a slightly slower projectile you gotta shoot it up in front yeah you kind of anticipate where the bird is going to be or the clay pigeon is going to be when the shells or when the pellets rather are in the air.

[1800] So you have to almost lead it.

[1801] It's really interesting.

[1802] It's fun.

[1803] It's what I respect in bow hunting.

[1804] My buddy Russell Matthews, when we grew up, was a big -time bow hunter.

[1805] Compound bow, him and his dad went every weekend.

[1806] And that's the only person I ever shot compound bows with.

[1807] But the artistry of bow hunting, you need one area, and it's to hit it.

[1808] in and it's it's fucking heat of the moment it's very different than pulling a gun up and just pull the trigger it's definitely but the argument your cell phone out your wallet your keys it's like getting your shit together the argument against it though is that if you don't know what you're doing you're more likely to wound an animal I actually agree with that I agree with that it is I mean it's legit like I think you have a bigger responsibility if you want to try bow hunting than you do if you want to try rifle hunting because if you hit an animal in the body with a rifle most likely it's dead It's if you have a real high -powered rifle, it's going to hit the body.

[1809] Like, even if you're not perfectly where the heart is or perfectly where the lungs are, it's going to blow through everything.

[1810] That thing's going down, most likely.

[1811] But with a arrow, man, you could, like, launch an arrow into an animal's shoulder blade and they could dig into the bone and stick there.

[1812] And that animal runs away with three legs.

[1813] You've got to be super careful.

[1814] You've got to be really diligent.

[1815] It's what my wife is a redneck that all hunters in her family.

[1816] And she calls it cave time.

[1817] when an animal gets stuck by an arrow and it doesn't know how to help itself.

[1818] So it goes to the cave and tries to, where most animals like that die is they go to the cave to try to like I need to nest.

[1819] But like when I get hurt emotionally my wife would go, oh, you need some cave time.

[1820] Like you're a fucking elk.

[1821] The guy that got stuck in the neck.

[1822] Caught in the neck.

[1823] Not bad, but I'm like this doesn't feel normal.

[1824] Yeah, you have to be really sure.

[1825] There's a crazy animated gift file from one of the most recent podcast threads where this moose this guy shoots this arrow at the moose and it's hard to tell because it's a gif it's on high res so it's hard to tell where the arrow goes but it looks like the arrow might actually just rocket off the fucking antlers of the moose it either rockets off the antlers or sticks into his shoulders but he charges at this dude like that's dead right it has to be dead he might not be he might not be because there might have been more than one person there because there was a guy who was filming it.

[1826] He wasn't filming it, most likely.

[1827] He was shooting unless it was a GoPro that was on his bow, or he could be dead.

[1828] Either one.

[1829] Have you ever ate pigeon?

[1830] No, but, you know, pigeons were brought over to North America for food.

[1831] They were brought over by people from Europe that regularly ate them as food.

[1832] We consider them to be pests and rats with wings.

[1833] Like if you go to cities and pigeons or shitting all over people's cars and shitting all over people in Manhattan.

[1834] people think of them as pests, but they were literally brought to North America as an invasive species specifically to harvest them for food.

[1835] A lot of them got...

[1836] Yeah, a lot of them got loose and a lot of them became, you know, feral.

[1837] And now they are what they are now, which is like you go to New York City, you have flocks of these...

[1838] Essentially, they're wild pigs that just fly through the sky.

[1839] I mean, they're this weird sort of creature that people brought up.

[1840] We just assume that they're natural.

[1841] They're not at all They were brought over here for food Oh wow They're not native to North America at all It's supposed to be good Really?

[1842] Squab if you ever had Squab You ever had Squab?

[1843] Yeah squab is pigeon I found all this out through Steve Ronella Brought over here as food I'm gonna Google this Steve Rinella I'll tell you one thing about him He reads insane fucking books About animals and wildlife And subculture Well he's had a lifetime of being immersed.

[1844] But it's small details about it.

[1845] I literally just fucking sit there like, how the fuck?

[1846] The New York City Pigeon Rescue Central.

[1847] That's a place to meet girls that cry.

[1848] If you're like, man, I don't have enough crying chicks in my life.

[1849] I'm kidding.

[1850] I don't mean that.

[1851] If you're working there and you're angry and you're thinking about blogging on Tumblr, please don't.

[1852] I don't mean it.

[1853] I'm glad you're helping these pigeons.

[1854] They're cute.

[1855] I think pigeons are adorable.

[1856] I do.

[1857] I've never eaten a pigeon.

[1858] None of it.

[1859] I think they're cute.

[1860] A lot of people did, man. Pigeons, but pigeons were brought over here for food.

[1861] They were brought over here a long fucking time ago.

[1862] The Italians?

[1863] Yeah, they were brought over here in the 1600s from Europe in Europe and Canada as well.

[1864] It's amazing.

[1865] You know, pigeons can fly 50 miles an hour.

[1866] Wow.

[1867] Yeah.

[1868] Who times that?

[1869] Some dude on Wikipedia, you fuck!

[1870] Who are you?

[1871] Who are you?

[1872] lack of data in the yard is finally about to give a person a pigeon a ticket in burbank there's wild uh parrots like a gang of wild parrots uh yeah i've seen them wow and they they it's the loudest thing ever out of nowhere it sounds like murder outside of your house whoa that's weird yeah and and if you look online there's like websites devoted to them and stuff and they look just like normal parrots but they just go around in this huge gang and just that's pretty dope.

[1873] I remember we worked at the West Palm Beach Improv, the old one, way back in the day.

[1874] And they put you up at this condo.

[1875] It was me and Maddie Kirsch.

[1876] We looked out the window and there's fucking like parrots.

[1877] Like actual parrots on this power line.

[1878] I'm like, dude, there's like real parrots out here.

[1879] Yeah.

[1880] Like this is the weirdest shit ever.

[1881] Like they're parakeets and parrots.

[1882] Yeah.

[1883] I'm like, these are like tropical birds.

[1884] It's like Miami is the tropics.

[1885] It is the tropics.

[1886] It is the tropics.

[1887] It's barely America, right?

[1888] Let's be realistic.

[1889] It's too awesome to be America.

[1890] It's too crazy.

[1891] And too many Cubans got in and just made it tropical.

[1892] They've been a tropical.

[1893] We're going to Cuba.

[1894] You know about that?

[1895] You're going to do a trip flip in Cuba?

[1896] Oh, dude.

[1897] I love to.

[1898] Open up relations.

[1899] That's one of the best thing about the show right now.

[1900] Yeah.

[1901] Yeah, I would love to.

[1902] Are those parakeets or parents?

[1903] What are those?

[1904] these are the Burbank parrots yeah these are actual parrots actual parrots yeah and do you have to take the video down because of YouTube what oh no these are just still pictures oh did they come from people that were that had him as pets or would they come from you know they there's no there's just rumors because Disney's there so a lot of people think that Walt Disney's it was Walt Disney's parrots and he just says imagine we find out they're fake they're not parents Walt Disney is such a motherfucker he's got fake parrots he's got fake parrots out there flying around shitting on people yeah I had a bird I had bird feeders out I bought recently and they found out about it and now they won't leave my house alone they're there like every day that's amazing yeah that's cool dude that's pretty dope yeah they're loud too loud they're annoying as fuck no put some air plugs on yeah put them let them into your spiritual compass yeah bring them into your center that seems like an amazing thing to have in your neighborhood man it's cool it's cool and it's really cool because it's a, I live in equestrian place, so there's horses and parents everywhere.

[1905] So it must smell.

[1906] Awesome.

[1907] It's awful.

[1908] Horse shit and bird shit all stewed up together in the Burbank Sun.

[1909] How is it that it's illegal if you don't clean up after your dog, but you're allowed to just have your fucking horse shit everywhere?

[1910] Just empty.

[1911] It's a giant asshole.

[1912] It's 1 ,200 -pound body of stewed grasses.

[1913] I'm sorry, is this cobblestone.

[1914] Is this a dirt road, you farmer fuck?

[1915] Pick up after that donkey.

[1916] Your donkey just shit all over my Prius.

[1917] Your donkey's not that green.

[1918] This is contributing to global warming.

[1919] You donkey with his dirty asshole.

[1920] Brian said he didn't like Paris in his neighborhood.

[1921] He's in bed with a chick and he's like, The bear's out the bag, like, I never said this to anybody.

[1922] I've only done this before.

[1923] Oh, my God.

[1924] Of course I always wear a gun on them.

[1925] They would bring the fucking parrots into the courthouse.

[1926] We would now like to call for the prosecution a witness, the Burbank Parrots.

[1927] I never said this before.

[1928] No, Roofie, what are you talking about?

[1929] Are you serious?

[1930] How could it be?

[1931] Two hits is fine.

[1932] I take two hits all the time and I dry.

[1933] Ingrown hair.

[1934] Just throw...

[1935] You know, all you need to do is you need to doche with that stuff, like plaques, that stuff used for your teeth.

[1936] It kills everything.

[1937] It'll kill it all.

[1938] It'll kill it all.

[1939] How about the defense attorney goes, and the judge goes, badgering the witness, And then the, he goes, objection.

[1940] And then the Bras Sheeter goes, Hmm, probably want a cracker?

[1941] Hmm.

[1942] Too far.

[1943] Too far.

[1944] Judge Rosenthal would like to ask the bird a few questions about its owner's use of anti -Semitic language.

[1945] I was just going to say NF.

[1946] Yeah.

[1947] An F word.

[1948] Could you imagine?

[1949] Fucking dirty, fucking bird did you in?

[1950] What if the bird just combined a bunch of sentences?

[1951] Everybody took it as fact.

[1952] Like, hey, hey, did you guys forget this bird can't fucking talk?

[1953] I see a lot of shit I'm repetitive You know Fucking If I say Look I hate assholes But Jews are awesome And then this parrot goes I hate awesome Asshole Jews That parrot Fucked up the meaning Behind everything I stand for This parrot It's got me on a goddamn You can't even cross -examine This fucking shitty parrot That's my Cowords Banc niggers this parrot is fucking doing me in could you imagine the parrot is what you'd be like I can't fucking believe we live in a world where I can get convicted from the ramblings of a fucking thing that can't even talk back how is it a parent hey parrot what's one plus one okay if I asked a retard what one plus one is he couldn't answer me I'm not going to let him prosecute somebody I'm not going to let him cross -examine people and when I say retard don't mean anybody with a disease just something somebody really fucking stupid fucking Lance had about her cousin today.

[1954] Regular, regular, regular genetics.

[1955] Oh, no, no, no. No chromosonal issues.

[1956] Right.

[1957] I think it's the flip side of like something happens and you are, uh, Lian said it about her cousin today.

[1958] And it was, it's, it's actually mentally backwards.

[1959] Slow.

[1960] Retarded.

[1961] You're not growing quick enough.

[1962] Yeah, we were at the hospital until six in the morning about the fever and that's what happened to her cousin and that's how that conversation started.

[1963] I hope that one day retards are like smallpox.

[1964] There's some shit that we look back on.

[1965] We go, wow, back in the day, like people were idiots.

[1966] And when I say retards, again, I do not mean a person with a disease.

[1967] I don't mean people with Down syndrome.

[1968] I mean, just idiots, just morons.

[1969] Like those God hates fags people on the corner, waving their flags, those are retards, okay?

[1970] Yeah.

[1971] It would be beautiful if one day we crack the code to what makes a person worth being around.

[1972] And there's no more retards.

[1973] We run out of them.

[1974] I think we're close to that corner because I think you obviously don't go online that much no I think those people don't know but I think the people that really matter the people that are going to stop saying please don't use that word have realized that that word is a tad bit outdated and that whatever their child is is categorized into another shade of gray I wish I wasn't talking about this right now I know what you're talking about but I think I think the parents who go my son's not retarded and I know what they used to call that as but that doesn't apply to me. I get what you're saying.

[1975] I think they're showing up soon.

[1976] Does that make sense?

[1977] Well, no, yeah, I see what you're saying.

[1978] I think that the idea of calling somebody a derogatory term that's eventually going to get phased out.

[1979] So just like we've abandoned a host of other words over the last 20, 30 years.

[1980] There was words that were used on television on a regular basis during, like the Fred Sanford Day, Sanford and Son, that you could never put on network TV.

[1981] today.

[1982] But I think ultimately that's what the word retard.

[1983] I mean, if I'm going to be really honest, that's what it feels like.

[1984] It feels like a word with a shelf life.

[1985] It feels like a word where you've got to get your licks in now while it's barely acceptable and justify them as you can and just like cast it aside.

[1986] And then hope to paint a similar picture in a different way.

[1987] But it's like all of these mean words, whether they're derogatory terms for homosexuals or different ethnicities or whatever the fuck it is.

[1988] all those mean terms.

[1989] It's like that's kind of what's being filtered out.

[1990] If you really look at objectively, if you stand back and try to take the whole thing in, I think that what we're trying to do is somehow or another through a back door, get people to be nicer.

[1991] And one of the ways is to get them to stop saying things that aren't nice to hear, whether it's, you know, ethnic slurs or derogatory terms for gay people or derogatory terms for, you know, filling the books.

[1992] like, you know, whatever minority or whatever marginalized group you are, like, that's, we're trying to prevent that.

[1993] So ultimately, that's what it is.

[1994] Like, even if it gets out of hand or people get too politically correct about it, like, what's the root of it all?

[1995] The root of it all seems pretty positive because the root of it all is, like, trying to eliminate hate or trying to eliminate pain or trying to eliminate discomfort.

[1996] It seems to be that's what the root of it all is, which is, it's hard to argue against, right?

[1997] Yeah.

[1998] I wish I was listening.

[1999] I'm sorry Just go back later See what's it What is that?

[2000] I don't have a problem with guys Hit it on me I know, I know I got it I got it That's sorry Someone who made a meme Welcome to the world of the internet I still enjoy bird squirts Bert squirts .com Is it still up?

[2001] I think so I'm sure it is I get people at shows yelling Bert Squirts the machine They're just trying to squirts the machine He's trying to reach you in a unique way I love it I love that unique touch Where you get a guy Fucking I let's Are we close to wrapping this up I think we probably should sober you up We got five more minutes to go What are you going to talk about Joe Cocker Dude Rocky Mountain High That's not Joe Cocker Yeah it is Oh I'm thinking of Joe Walsh I'm sorry Joe Walsh Joe Walsh Rocky Mountain High Yeah Best drinking over Denver In first class With a fucking cocktail Looking out over the mountains Best song ever It's Rocky Mountain Way But yeah It's great goddamn song Brian can you play it Is that illegal?

[2002] No, we'll get legal Are you fucking serious I wish you were smaller We live in a strange world Bird Crush He also wrote the beginning of Of What's the Eagle song about cocaine On the Malibu High Chair Hotel California Nope Nope.

[2003] Damn.

[2004] God damn it.

[2005] Cocaine on Malibu.

[2006] What?

[2007] Cocaine on Malibu.

[2008] It's one of my favorite quotes ever.

[2009] Okay.

[2010] The lead singer of...

[2011] I got to find the name of the song while I do this.

[2012] The lead singer of the Eagles.

[2013] Glenn Fry?

[2014] Yeah.

[2015] What was the other one?

[2016] That's his name.

[2017] There were two of them, though.

[2018] It was the other guy.

[2019] It's Glenn Fry, Joe Walsh.

[2020] Who are the other people?

[2021] um there was a huge star let's find out who's the eagles like yeah there was that one guy that did miami vice yeah who's that guy i think it's that guy yeah who was that man okay who's in this band okay uh i hate the people already know the answer don henley don't henley don't henley don't henley wrote uh why don't you come to your sense of the eagles Remember the fucking, remember the dude?

[2022] I got it.

[2023] Squirt over.

[2024] Do you remember the dude from, what's that fucking movie?

[2025] I have a sentence in my head and I'm never going to remember it again, Joe.

[2026] What's the fucking bowling movie?

[2027] What's the bowling movie?

[2028] No. No, no, no, no, no. The one with Jesus is, uh...

[2029] What?

[2030] Big Lebowski.

[2031] The Big Lebowski.

[2032] Thank you very much.

[2033] He hates the Eagles, remember?

[2034] I have in my head.

[2035] I have it in my head.

[2036] Remember, he hate the dude hated the Eagles?

[2037] Oh, man, I fucking hate the Eagles.

[2038] That's right.

[2039] The guy in the cab was playing the Eagles.

[2040] He got mad.

[2041] God damn it.

[2042] He's a hater, Ben.

[2043] You can't fucking hate on the Eagles.

[2044] Don Henley is in a car.

[2045] This isn't a documentary that's on HBO.

[2046] Is this a math question?

[2047] And he's driving three miles per hour with a cloud dick.

[2048] he's only got 40 more yards for he needs to suck a clown dick cloud dick to keep moving yeah someone's gonna make an animated gift file of air stations just giant big black dix of dudes have to suck they're wearing spacesuits I don't even know where Don Henley desperado I don't stop stop stop let me fucking please get this out of my mouth Please, too.

[2049] Just swallow it.

[2050] Don't stop it.

[2051] Don't be scared.

[2052] Okay, I feel like I'm getting comedically assaulted.

[2053] He's fucked.

[2054] So, Don Henley.

[2055] I don't fucking know.

[2056] Don Henley.

[2057] Don Henley is in a car with the, it's in the fucking documentary.

[2058] Don Henley's in a car with the drug dealers holding a lot of weight.

[2059] Yeah.

[2060] And they're flying that going.

[2061] I love him to say weight.

[2062] It's like a dude is in the business.

[2063] I'm quoting him.

[2064] I'm quoting him.

[2065] He said in that dark, you got to see the documentary.

[2066] It's really good on its own age.

[2067] HBO.

[2068] And he says to the drug dealer, he goes, hey man, slow down.

[2069] And the drug dealer looked over him like real quick and goes, hey man, life in the fast lane.

[2070] And then he heard that he goes, that's a good title.

[2071] I want those moments in life where you go sing.

[2072] Like just like who said, what's the best job for killing owls?

[2073] Right.

[2074] Those perfect fucking moments.

[2075] I am way too fucked up.

[2076] We should wrap this up.

[2077] No, it's a good point.

[2078] If I was a guy who worked in the fucking logging industry, I'd probably be an owl assassin.

[2079] This motherfucking owls take it.

[2080] Just kill them all.

[2081] And they'd be like, now what are you going to do?

[2082] Listen, there's no owls.

[2083] Let's get it up with.

[2084] Let's just fucking start chopping trees.

[2085] There's no more owls.

[2086] The owl assassin has been here.

[2087] You can't assassinate owls, but tuna, you can suffocate those bitches and rope nets, pull them out of the fucking world in which they live and dangle them in the air.

[2088] Ows?

[2089] Smother and crush the ones at the bottom, who literally gets suffocated first by the weight of the thousands of others on top of them.

[2090] Everybody in their own way howling for that sweet, sweet ocean water to fill them with oxygen.

[2091] Imagine if tuna just felt like crying little girls.

[2092] Gills.

[2093] Gills incapable of pulling oxygen out of the regular atmosphere.

[2094] It needs water, stay alive, and it knows the water's right there.

[2095] And they can't chew through the net.

[2096] Another topper?

[2097] You're going to take one.

[2098] Oh, I see what you're saying He's trying to get you to drink That's what he's trying to do I am so fucking hammered It really is weird that we treat tuna that way That's kind of fucked up Yeah Everybody agrees Just treat tuna like shit I like the way you're looking at life If you flip it on the tear Just like the owl Problems or the thing with the pygmies in Africa Let's come up with the vocal mechanism That we can feed a tuna that can make them vocalize what hurts.

[2099] Please help, please, help.

[2100] When you put them in the nets, they go.

[2101] I'm trying to find all 200 of my babies.

[2102] Oh, I know you.

[2103] Sorry, not you.

[2104] Please help.

[2105] No one would kill tuna if they talk to you when you killed them.

[2106] What if they were assholes?

[2107] What if tuna were like?

[2108] Fuck you.

[2109] Hey, look at the Jewish guy.

[2110] And what a shit?

[2111] With a shit, we're taking over the ocean.

[2112] You're like just nuts, nets, nuts.

[2113] Scoop them up with nets.

[2114] Fuck them.

[2115] Make them suffocate in the air.

[2116] Pull them out of the sky with a crane.

[2117] How much do you get paid of your asshole?

[2118] As you're pulling them out of the water.

[2119] They're like, you fucking queer.

[2120] All you're queer, I fight you.

[2121] I fade all you fucking homos.

[2122] Fuck this tuna dick, bitch.

[2123] Suck my tuna asshole.

[2124] Suck a sardine fart out of my tuna asshole.

[2125] Good night, everybody.

[2126] Anything to add?

[2127] What if there's a tuna?

[2128] That was going.

[2129] Hey, hey, I'm talking to you.

[2130] I'm talking to you.

[2131] Look at me. Look at me. I know you're looking at me. There you are.

[2132] Suck this dick.

[2133] Suck this tuna dick, you fucking queer.

[2134] Now you understand me?

[2135] I might suffocate, but I'm up here suffocating like a man. It was a horrible idea.

[2136] Like a man. You're going to love two guys, one fish.

[2137] I know you.

[2138] I'm not going to watch it.

[2139] It's great.

[2140] Shut your whole.

[2141] I'm hungry for it.

[2142] I love this product.

[2143] I love what we do.

[2144] This is so much fucking fun.

[2145] It's very fun.

[2146] I love it.

[2147] Thank you so much for being a part of this.

[2148] Thank you.

[2149] Letting me be part of it.

[2150] All above.

[2151] You're correct.

[2152] You're correct.

[2153] That's true.

[2154] You need to not drive right now.

[2155] Whatever you do.

[2156] Uber.

[2157] Uber the shit out of it.

[2158] Uber the shit out of it.

[2159] All right.

[2160] That's it for this week because this is a holiday.

[2161] Ladies and gentlemen, Christmas is here.

[2162] So celebrate by trying to get high off an amnita muscaria mushroom.

[2163] I've never heard anybody who's been successful.

[2164] It might be bullshit.

[2165] Or it might be like you've got to get it in the right spot at the right time of the year.

[2166] But good luck.

[2167] Anyway, Merry Christmas.

[2168] See you next week.

[2169] You fucks.

[2170] We've got a lot of really exciting guests.

[2171] Thank you for five years.

[2172] Brian Redband, anything to say.

[2173] Five fucking years.

[2174] Five years.

[2175] It's been a lot of fun.

[2176] Lots of fun.

[2177] never anticipated it lasting this long can't believe what it has become must stay plugged in have to help to get it all out otherwise be stuck with thoughts in head and no other recourse can I just say I wish you were drunk every episode that way praise Jesus It's not special that way Then it becomes an alcoholic hour I love this world I love this world Are we humming We're humming in the alcoholic All make three hours show.

[2178] Thank you, everybody.

[2179] No, no bullshit aside from the bottom of my heart, my heart, everybody that's ever been a part of this.

[2180] Thank you, everybody who's ever done any of the episodes or people that listen or all of it.

[2181] It's crazy.

[2182] We're all, you know, Brian and I might be the ones that are like somehow or another at the front of this connective chain.

[2183] But we're all in this weird thing together by some strange way.

[2184] And, you know, and Burke Chrys are you part of it, you fuck.

[2185] Anything you said these people for you?

[2186] Thank you so much for letting me be a part of it.

[2187] I didn't let you do shit.

[2188] No. It's happy to be funny and I like you.

[2189] I'd agree.

[2190] This has been a blast.

[2191] This life fucking rocks.

[2192] This life fucking rocks.

[2193] All right.

[2194] We hope it rocks for you too.

[2195] Thank you for five fucking awesome years.

[2196] And we'll keep this party rolling, bitches.

[2197] We're not stopping to the boat hits the rocks.

[2198] Hala.

[2199] Mm -hmm.

[2200] Oh,