Tom Hanks

[0] my name is Tom Hanks and I feel grand about being Conan O 'Brien's friend Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He'll, hear the yell Back to school Ring the bell Brand new shoes Walking blues Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends Yes I can tell that we are going to be friends Hello.

[1] Conan O 'Brien here.

[2] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, or as we've been calling it this summer, summer s'mores and the chill chums.

[3] People seem to be enjoying this complete nonsense.

[4] You guys have been having a good time with this, aren't you?

[5] Gourley, Sona, you're having a good time with...

[6] Oh, man, I'm loving it.

[7] Yeah, and it's summer smores with Conan in the chill chums because you're not a chill chum.

[8] That's right.

[9] Yeah, you're the opposite of a chill chum.

[10] You're neither chill nor a chum.

[11] You're an anxious, neurotic chum.

[12] Yeah.

[13] I'm an anxious neurotic type A freak who you two coast behind.

[14] That must be nice.

[15] You're using, you get to be chill chums because I'm so not a chill chum that I...

[16] No. It should be summer s'mores with Sona, Matt, and the uptight enemy.

[17] Yes.

[18] Okay.

[19] Doesn't really roll off the tongue.

[20] It doesn't.

[21] No. But, you know, I'm excited because this is a very special edition.

[22] In fact, I would say this is an interruption of summer s'mores in the chill chums, wouldn't you?

[23] Yes.

[24] Well -deserved.

[25] A well -deserved interruption.

[26] You know, many of you probably think, oh, Connor O 'Brien, he won't be talking to any famous people this summer, just Sona and Matt.

[27] Oh, God.

[28] Well, I hear that a lot of people on the street.

[29] I hear the muttering.

[30] Oh, no famous people.

[31] huh.

[32] Well, guess what?

[33] Does that also include you?

[34] I know.

[35] Yeah.

[36] No famous people.

[37] No, I am, I'm delighted because we're going to have a little break from Conan and the chill chums.

[38] Because today we have, I think, one of the biggest and best stars in the world joining us on the podcast.

[39] Pause.

[40] Yes.

[41] Wait.

[42] It probably just comes up.

[43] Doesn't it come up anyway who it is?

[44] It's no surprise.

[45] It does.

[46] So what a big crock of shit that I'm going to act like this is a big surprise because I just realized that it says it says Tom Hanks is on the show in fact it's never a surprise because when I do the TV show it says before I even walk out who the guest is so I've never been able to unveil a surprise in my entire fucking life.

[47] I know and don't we start the episode with Tom Hanks going hello my name is Tom Hanks?

[48] Oh that's right.

[49] You always act like Oh my God.

[50] You always act like oh now you've figured out who it is in my intro it's like, yeah, they listen to the beginning of the episode.

[51] They've been notified at least three times at this point.

[52] This is humiliating.

[53] It is for you.

[54] It also is an interesting window into honestly how little I understand about podcasts, which I think everyone knows.

[55] But also, you may not know this.

[56] I don't listen to the podcast.

[57] I love making them, but I don't like the sound of my voice.

[58] And I don't listen to the podcast.

[59] If I heard the podcast, I would probably run from the room.

[60] That's just my thing.

[61] so I don't listen to them.

[62] So I don't know.

[63] I thought I was being all coy.

[64] Oh, guess who we have?

[65] Well, it starts with a T. And it ends with an H. No, it's not Todd Hanson of the Hanson brothers.

[66] Is there a Hanson brother named Todd?

[67] No. Okay, why not?

[68] There isn't.

[69] How do you know?

[70] I'm pretty sure I know, yeah, there's Taylor, there's Zach, and then there's shit.

[71] That's a terrible name for a Hanson brother.

[72] Shit Hanson?

[73] Yeah.

[74] No wonder.

[75] Schitt Hansen never.

[76] Hi, I'm Taylor.

[77] Hey, I'm Zach.

[78] Hem, shit.

[79] In his defense, though, he was the cute one.

[80] Yeah.

[81] He was.

[82] Shit Hanson.

[83] My apologies to the Hansen brothers, who I, wonderful guys, and my special apology to shit Hansen.

[84] Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that here I am trying to unveil who are, it's Tom Hanks.

[85] Tom Hanks.

[86] What?

[87] Yes.

[88] Tom Hanks is here.

[89] I'm delighted to have Tom Hanks here.

[90] What a fantastic.

[91] guest.

[92] What?

[93] Isaac Hanson?

[94] Yeah.

[95] Isaac Taylor and Zach.

[96] Yeah.

[97] I think there's a fourth Hanson brother, shit Hanson.

[98] They let him break down the equipment after the gig.

[99] Anyway, shout out to the Hanson brothers.

[100] Very nice guys.

[101] They joined me on stage 10 years ago.

[102] A lot of fun.

[103] In Tulsa.

[104] In Tulsa, that's right.

[105] You were there.

[106] Mm -hmm.

[107] Feeling no pain, if you know what I mean.

[108] No, what do you mean?

[109] Heavy drinker.

[110] Anyway.

[111] Edibles, drinker.

[112] Continue.

[113] All right.

[114] Edibles.

[115] The Hanson saw you drunk.

[116] Anyway.

[117] Even Shitt Hanson was disgusted.

[118] Shitt Hansen pointed to Sown and said, I feel bad for her.

[119] When Shitt Hanson is judging you.

[120] When Shitt Hanson is judging you, you know things are bad.

[121] I'm thrilled he's here.

[122] My guest today.

[123] Shitt Hanson?

[124] No. That's our guest next week.

[125] My guest today is one of the biggest actors of our time.

[126] I'm going to say any time, all time.

[127] He's a two -time Academy Award winner, and you know him from such films as Forrest Gump, saving Private Ryan, Philadelphia, a league of their own, and Toy Story, and a million other great films.

[128] Now you can see him in the new movie Greyhound, which I saw last night, and I shit you not, Hansen.

[129] It is fantastic.

[130] I can't wait for this thing.

[131] It is really good.

[132] It was right up.

[133] my alley.

[134] My son and I watched it and it's, uh, it, our hearts were in our throats the whole time.

[135] It's great.

[136] Now you can see him in the new movie Greyhound, which will be available on Apple TV plus this Friday and you have to see it.

[137] I am thrilled.

[138] He is with us today.

[139] Consumit, uh, gentleman and fantastic person.

[140] Tom Hanks.

[141] I have been taking some elocution lessons because I'm, I'm trying to have somebody finally respect me. And, uh, I find nothing.

[142] Nothing makes that happen faster than an effective speech pattern.

[143] So anything, I can't wait for the end of this podcast so that I can go have launch.

[144] It's a little, it's some Catherine Hepburn and some Franklin D. Roosevelt.

[145] I'm going for that, for that, what accident did Kerry Grant speak with?

[146] I mean, I don't want to throw this back into, you know, like Turner Classic Movies podcast here, but, you know, Carrie was, you know, that people don't really talk like that now unless they, unless they go to school in England for a semester.

[147] Then they come back.

[148] And they come back talking that way.

[149] I think Madonna spoke that way for about eight years.

[150] And then it disappeared for reasons we don't understand.

[151] But I don't know.

[152] I don't think, I think it was a completely invented accent.

[153] Carrie Grant had, right?

[154] When they call it like mid -Atlantic, you know?

[155] Yes, mid -Atlantic, mid -Atlantic, I think.

[156] But a totally hokey accent.

[157] I don't think I've heard anyone else speak that way.

[158] And also, who spoke like John F. Kennedy before or after John F. Kennedy I grew up, born in the same town as John F. Kennedy, and I grew up Irish Catholic in that area.

[159] You don't sound that way.

[160] I have never heard anybody talk that way.

[161] And it's insane.

[162] And I think people just accepted it.

[163] But I don't believe anybody else spoke that way in his generation.

[164] I do not believe anyone spoke with vigor.

[165] This is the melody.

[166] Yes.

[167] Not melody, malady.

[168] We need to speak with more vigor.

[169] Yeah.

[170] And there's a certain cadence to it that is rising and falling and then it's punctuated at moments and we will do it.

[171] Which I will admit you right now, Conan, that I myself, at times, at podiums, have fallen into myself.

[172] Speaking on issues as cheesy as the great Chevy dealerships of San Antonio who have bestowed upon me this great honor.

[173] You can't help it.

[174] It's just like what you're used to in a lot of ways.

[175] It's what you do over the years, many times during a monologue, if the crowd's really good, I'll just go into, and we can do better.

[176] Of course, the 25 -year -olds I'm talking to don't know what I'm battling that way.

[177] No, no, they don't.

[178] And again, not to get to Turner Classic movie on this, but that speech pattern was the reason Vaughn Meader had the greatest year of his life.

[179] If you don't know who Von Meeter is, I don't want to go into it.

[180] Well, I'll quickly explain.

[181] He was a impressionist who did, I think, one impression, which was an amazing John F. Kennedy impression, which was really funny and probably one of the biggest hits in the country on record and radio right up until John F. Kennedy was killed.

[182] And then suddenly his, you know, no one wanted to hear that.

[183] Now, do you not take, is this not a tale of, a cautionary tale for anybody in show business?

[184] And because I remember listening to that record with my dad, you know, the only other record he ever bought in his life was Burle -Lyves' greatest hits, you know.

[185] And suddenly we're listening to a comedy record, you know, at my aunt's house, before the Beatles are on TV.

[186] And this, we actually, we've sort of like experimented possibly with trying to do a story on that and make a movie out of it, Because he had a year at the absolute top of show business.

[187] Couldn't have been bigger.

[188] Couldn't have been more in demand.

[189] And maybe your crack team of show business researchers can answer this question for me. Because I always heard this story.

[190] John F. Kennedy is assassinated.

[191] The weekend that it happens, there is a huge snowstorm, freak snowstorm in New York City.

[192] But Lenny Bruce is going to be performing at Carnegie Hall, the weak end of John F. Kennedy's assassination.

[193] And there isn't a human being that, first of all, doesn't stay home the day that Kennedy is assassinated and then doesn't go out the next night because they're just dealing with an impossible amount of grief.

[194] And everybody in New York City, particularly with tickets to the Carnegie Hall that night, is wondering, what in the world is Lenny Bruce going to say about the assassination of John F. Kennedy?

[195] And the story is he came out, And, you know, ladies of gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Lenny Bruce, vigorous applause, long pause.

[196] And then Lenny Bruce says, Von Meter is screwed.

[197] Now, the question I have for Adam and Johanna and Aaron and Teen Coco and Jim Samples, the entire peanut gallery here is, did he say screwed or was there a F bomb that was dropped there?

[198] It's coming up as Vaughn Meter is fucked.

[199] Oh, there you go.

[200] Boy, is Vaughn Meter fucked.

[201] Now, that's on Wikipedia.

[202] Well, you got to trust that, don't you?

[203] I don't know.

[204] He said fucked in Carnegie Hall in 1963.

[205] I'm finding that very hard to believe.

[206] I know it's Lenny Bruce, but also right on the heels of Kennedy's killing.

[207] But I'm also seeing screwed here, too, on...

[208] I can't believe the Internet is arguing with itself.

[209] This might be the first example of the Internet having a squabble with itself.

[210] You know, there's a couple of things I have to ask, Tom, which is, first of all, how are you?

[211] How's your health?

[212] Because I haven't, I have not spoken to you since you and your lovely wife contracted coronavirus.

[213] The whole country knew that you guys were ill. And I've followed like everyone else your progress and that you're doing better.

[214] But how do you feel?

[215] It was interesting to find ourselves the celebrity canaries in a coal mine.

[216] And that was, you know, at one point I said, honey, why didn't we parlay this into some reality show that we could have really made some good e -channel money off of?

[217] We could have.

[218] We got an iPhone.

[219] We could have followed each other around the apartment there for a while, slapped on some commercials, cut to it, and get a nice check.

[220] We were in Australia.

[221] Yeah.

[222] You know, Australia is the size of the United States, and it has the population in California.

[223] So it's actually a long necklace of a lot of people living on the two coastlines.

[224] And it's an island nation, so they know exactly who comes in, who comes out, what plane they were on, what ship they were on.

[225] So they were really on top of everything about COVID.

[226] Actually, they had told us about COVID down there in February, and we were tested on May 11th.

[227] So they were really on top of it.

[228] So they put us in the hospital, and literally like Andromeda strain version of the hospital.

[229] I mean, you know, they had everything but those robotic arms, you know, that would unscrew caps for.

[230] and stuff on the other side of glass.

[231] They were doing that to keep an eye on us for our own health in case our fever spiked, our hearts went cabloy, our lungs filled up, which did not happen.

[232] We had varying degrees of discomfort, but really they also put us in isolation so that we would not give the COVID to anybody else.

[233] That was the other side of it.

[234] And after the two weeks that we were down there, I got over my crippling body aches that that hurt, incredible fatigue, and inability to concentrate on anything for more than 90 minutes, which was tricky because that is my natural state.

[235] As a matter of fact, I'm going to top out here in about another half hour, guys, and I'm not going to know what they're.

[236] And Rita, Rita had some much more physiological—she had bad nausea, and she was—she lost her sense of taste and smell, so we kind of like complimented each other in those.

[237] And then we were, we were okay.

[238] And we eventually came back to the lockdown and everything that was going on and social distancing, what have you.

[239] And we had since been, all right, so this, I don't, I don't mean to be a harbinger.

[240] I'm not, as so many people at, you know, podiums now say, well, now I'm not a scientist.

[241] I'm not a doctor, of course.

[242] But here's what I think.

[243] We were tested positive for the antibodies, meaning we have good stuff in our plasma.

[244] Because of our different travel histories, I was able to go and give my plasma, my plasma chaka block with antibodies.

[245] I did, it was able to do it twice, and they can take that plasma.

[246] And my understanding is, and again, I'm not a doctor or a scientist, they were able to give those to as many as four people who are suffering the more serious aspects of the COVID -19, so possibly helping them out.

[247] Evidence shows that it's possible to be a great at.

[248] Now, but since then, I have heard from the very same doctor who took those tests.

[249] I go, you really want this text from a doctor at a world -renowned medical facility that says to you, hey, Tom, looking forward to seeing you again.

[250] Listen, if you want to know about the new research against your antibodies, I can fill you in, Parentheses, hint, it's not good news.

[251] Close for, close parentheses.

[252] So I'm waiting to find out if, you know, the more as the journey continues on with all of this stuff, is what's the latest scoop?

[253] What is he implying you could have?

[254] Yeah, the implicate.

[255] And I've read this in some other circumstances, you know, again, I just, hey, I just watch the same TV shows you do.

[256] on Tiger King, they said that the COVID -19 it's possible.

[257] There was a scene in Ozark where they made mention that maybe the antibodies don't linger as long to the point of complete immunity from it.

[258] Yeah, I've been watching exclusively the Munsters on the Love Boat and there's no mention of COVID, which meets me thinking.

[259] Are you kidding?

[260] Al, Grandpa Lewis didn't have anything to say about sucking blood and what might be inside and might be inside the blood?

[261] I know you're an old TV fan.

[262] I know that you go back and watch those shows.

[263] I do not, sir.

[264] I must say.

[265] Oh, you must.

[266] I know.

[267] I've given up on that.

[268] I realize it, okay, I'll be 64 in about another week or so.

[269] Conan, I'm on the back nine.

[270] I don't need to go and, you know, I'm not going to take a mulligan on the third hole now.

[271] I've done it.

[272] Got it.

[273] And you know, quite frankly, after the opening title sequences of any of those old shows, I'm not really that much involved in the drama.

[274] That is coming along.

[275] All I have to say is you're a fool.

[276] The later lost in spaces where Jonathan Harris, as Dr. Zachary Smith, decides to take the series in a completely different direction, is some of the best TV viewing to this day.

[277] and we'll cure you of any disease, I promise you.

[278] Okay.

[279] First of all, this might be why your career is cratering down to the level of podcast now coming.

[280] The other aspect is the...

[281] When it comes...

[282] Okay, this is the sum total of my nostalgia TV.

[283] If by happenstance, I come across an old Bert Ward, Adam West, Batman episode.

[284] Yes, yes.

[285] The only reason I will watch it to his conclusion is if it's a very...

[286] villain that I had somehow missed in its first incarnation.

[287] I've seen Mr. Freeze.

[288] I've seen false face.

[289] I've seen the mad hatter.

[290] I've seen, of course, the Joker and the Penguin and the Ridler and the Catwoman.

[291] I've seen the Beatles on the Big Four.

[292] But unless it's somebody I didn't see, the siren, you know who the siren was?

[293] Yes, it was Joan Collins.

[294] That's right.

[295] Who could sing a note that would make men lose their memories or something like that.

[296] And it didn't work on Batgirl.

[297] Didn't work.

[298] Yeah, that's right.

[299] Yvonne Craig.

[300] She survived.

[301] So I've seen it, and that's the end of it.

[302] I don't need time tunnel.

[303] I don't need Andy and Mayberry.

[304] Every now and again, give me 10 seconds of Buddy and Sally on the Alan Brady show there in the writer's room with a piano.

[305] But other than that, I got other fish to.

[306] There's a season of alone I want to keep up with on the history channel.

[307] That's good.

[308] That's fantastic.

[309] No, well, let's talk about that because.

[310] Uh, first of all, I, uh, I got a link to your film Greyhound, uh, last night.

[311] And I was told nothing and I knew nothing.

[312] I knew nothing about what to expect.

[313] I didn't know what was about.

[314] It could have been about off -track betting.

[315] I had no idea.

[316] I sat down.

[317] They gave me a series of codes to execute.

[318] Yeah.

[319] That was like, uh, accessing a nuclear missile.

[320] And it worked?

[321] Well, I had my son with me, who's 14 and very tech savvy.

[322] And he helped me. And he helped me. And we got this thing up and running, and we pulled our, you know, close the shades and closed the door.

[323] And we started the movie.

[324] And I love it.

[325] I absolutely love Greyhound.

[326] It is a fascinating story.

[327] It's a great World War II story.

[328] It's wonderfully told.

[329] And I loved you in it.

[330] And what I didn't know until I saw the credits when it said written by Tom Hanks.

[331] Oh, yeah.

[332] Yeah, we slap that on the end, just not to scare the children.

[333] I didn't realize you wrote this.

[334] And I've also, as I think I've mentioned to you before, I'm a fan of your writing.

[335] I really like your collection of short stories.

[336] I think you're a terrific writer.

[337] Was this your first screenplay that I'm aware of?

[338] I wrote the screenplay for that thing you do.

[339] Yes, that's right.

[340] That's right.

[341] I wrote the screenplay for Larry Crown.

[342] Hold your applause, please.

[343] Please.

[344] Hold your applause.

[345] We don't allow applause.

[346] Thank goodness, because the absence of it for Larry Crown really would have hurt my feelings.

[347] Although, I must say, I loved every moment of it.

[348] And, you know, I've written on the episodic, some of the episodic stuff that we have done, which is a different beast.

[349] But I bought the book, this is based on CS Forrester's The Good Shepherd is what it's called, and which we could not call it, because it's like nine movies called the Good Shepherd.

[350] out.

[351] And I bought it because of the cover of, it was a used book, and I bought from a bookstore that is now out of business in New York City.

[352] And it had a picture on the cover that sort of broke my heart.

[353] It was, it was a drawing of this aged, gray -haired, beaten -up guy who, if I was going to pull him from a modern -day parlance, he looked like he had the physical demeanor of Donald Trump walking from that helicopter after Tulsa into the White House tie undone yep yep the leagered depressed down exhausted and yet he was on the railing of a ship and there's a ship on the horizon that's burning and there's a guy in a helmet right behind him that's sending a signal and I thought I don't what wait what what's that what is what's that guy's story and the book the book is that it's literally it's It's 70.

[354] Actually, it's more than 72.

[355] I think it's 72 .40.

[356] And it's like four days in the life of this aged, a guy who should be retired.

[357] But instead, Pearl Harbor comes along.

[358] And so he's not going to get out of the Navy.

[359] He's given the command of a destroyer that is, because of a seniority, is given command of getting a convoy across the Atlantic.

[360] And he spends five days of his life without sleeping down in coffee and fighting off Wolf packs and Nazi subs.

[361] And in reading through it, it was a procedural.

[362] I mean, you know, it was a little like start, continue, finish, that's it.

[363] And I had, I ended up learning so many things that I had no knowledge of.

[364] You look, we've all seen the movies, right?

[365] Most of our naval, most of our understanding of Navy and ships and combat is actually because of the Starship Enterprise.

[366] Helmsman, Mr. Sulu, Navigator, Incent Chekhov, communicator, talker, Lieutenant O 'Hourou, confidant, Spock, Mr. Hulu, you have a con, that kind of stuff.

[367] Yeah.

[368] That's how we know most of our naval battle terminology and geography and strategy, which actually helped in the course I read in this book, but then I found out all kinds of other stuff.

[369] And as a, as is, you know, sometimes artistic want, I just started adapting it as a, as a, as a, a fever dream of wanting to see a movie like this.

[370] I worked on it about six years or so and just kept going back and adding, I literally filled it up.

[371] It was like a deck of cards that had 260 aces in it.

[372] I just, you have to, I had to take cards out of it in order to make it actually a landable kind of project that could get, could work with a, with a director.

[373] And Aaron Schneider came on and he just, he wanted to shoot and he wanted to test the material.

[374] And, Oh, and behold, much to my surprise, we were able to make, are you ready for this?

[375] We will able to make a low budget movie about World War II for a mere $42 million.

[376] How's that?

[377] That's officially a low -budget movie now.

[378] And you took 35 off the top.

[379] Well, let me tell you now.

[380] I work for my straight fee of $300 a week.

[381] I did get free haircuts and sandwiches anytime I wanted to in the course of, man, and that's, there's a lot of, there's a, and that's my perk package as a whole.

[382] I love anything that depicts World War II because I think people forget and they think that it was a foregone conclusion that we would win that war.

[383] And they think it's a foregone conclusion that, well, yeah, we, we kicked those Nazi asses and we won.

[384] I love any movie at Saving Private Ryan, I think, did it really brilliantly too.

[385] But this movie shows you what a hard.

[386] fought thing it was, how the technology wasn't that good, how difficult it was.

[387] I think this film takes place right after Pearl Harbor, which there's a whole year there where there's no good news coming out of the Atlantic or Pacific Theater.

[388] World War II really isn't going that well for us.

[389] And it's a, it's a very, it's a very dicey proposition.

[390] And that's when this movie takes place.

[391] And I, so I love my son watching that.

[392] Yeah, the book landed on this thing that I keep coming back to again and again.

[393] And I use the word stasis to, to describe it, this kind of like, it's this, it's this moment in which nobody has any idea when this is going to end.

[394] Cut to COVID -19 reference here, please.

[395] 1942, the Nazis have kicked ass everywhere they went.

[396] the Japanese Empire has done the same.

[397] America has yet to win a battle anywhere.

[398] And there were sayings amongst anybody who was in the service of jokes about when it was going to be done.

[399] Golden Gate in 48, meaning maybe the war would be over by 1948.

[400] There was even saying, get it done in 51, meaning the war would last 10 years.

[401] There was a great writer, I'm having a cranial plague.

[402] Alan First, who only writes novels of espionage in World War II prior to the Nazi defeat in Stalingrad.

[403] Because it was not until then that the enemy had proven to be beatable.

[404] And as of Stalingrad, which was not until 1942, it wasn't until the Nazis retreated from Stalingrad, that there was any clue that the war was going to be winnable by anybody other than.

[405] other than them.

[406] And, you know, the same thing happened to a degree in the Pacific.

[407] So Forrester captured this month because not only is it right in the middle of the beginning of the war in which there's no clue as to when it's going to end or how long it's going to take, who's going to die, who's going to live.

[408] But Ernie Krauss, who is the captain of the Greyhound, he is in the middle of a thing called the Black Pit.

[409] which is that part of the North Atlantic in which safety is unreachable on both sides.

[410] He can't, if he turns around to head back to where he came from, he still has three days of being vulnerable.

[411] You can't get air cover.

[412] You can't get air cover.

[413] You're on your own.

[414] You're on your own for about four or five days.

[415] And you just hope that you're smart enough and lucky enough that you survive.

[416] And that that equipoise, if I'm using, or equilibrium is constantly, constantly at, play there.

[417] The stasis between survival and death is literally a decision away from you.

[418] And if we, that's what I loved about the book because it captured in the same details of how good a cup of coffee can feel at three o 'clock in the morning or what a few moments of heavy REM sleep on your feet can do for you can do for your body.

[419] And the sun comes up and absolutely nothing's, different.

[420] You're not really that much closer to safety.

[421] You have nothing but a whole, a whole game of life before you.

[422] And every turn is a roll of the dice.

[423] I cannot recommend this movie enough.

[424] It's fantastic.

[425] And it's the first, my son turned to me at one point.

[426] And I think we were only 20 minutes in.

[427] And he said, it's only been 20 minutes.

[428] And there's been so much action in the, it starts, I mean, it's like you, it's, the race starts right away.

[429] It's absolutely amazing.

[430] It's really...

[431] Yeah, we decided to, you know, pack as much as we could into 88 minutes as possible.

[432] Yeah.

[433] I'm glad you liked it.

[434] Oh, I didn't just like it.

[435] I liked it a lot.

[436] Well, you know, the thing we always come around to is, is like, the danger of all of this stuff is, are we just making a museum piece here, you know?

[437] Is it just going to be a thing where you kind of dig the uniforms and the nomenclature and the goofy old telephones?

[438] And are we really going to see that bloop, bloop, bloop?

[439] the radar stuff again, but if you do it, if you do it from a position of no one really knows what's going on and none of this stuff is guaranteed.

[440] I always like it to see a movie where everybody says, geez, I wonder what I would have done if I had to have that job, you know?

[441] The other thing about the Starship Enterprise is it's always the same people on the bridge, you know, there's never a dog watch, there's never a morning watch, it's always the same people.

[442] So we went through this thing.

[443] I was fighting this battle as the cranky actor who just said, we have to have four completely different watches, meaning a completely different cast for the four watches every day because they rotate.

[444] So it's three groups of four guys.

[445] You're on four hours, you're off for eight hours, you're on for eight hours, you're on for four hours, you're off for eight hours.

[446] So I kept saying, we need that many watches.

[447] And just as producers would come along and actually, I'm supposedly one of the producers because it's out of the company.

[448] They said, do you know what that's going to?

[449] do to our scheduling you know how many actors we have to have on hold in order to do so i just kept fighting you know all right can we just have one group that's during battle stations and then two other groups that come in just to mix it up so we get some more faces in there you end up fighting that kind of like the all right it's just a fake movie for crying out loud we can't be nearly as realistic as we want to dang it rats there was there was one mode if you watch the movie there's a moment it was on one of our first days of shooting on the bridge and it was a new set and it looks real it looks like it's made out of steel plate it's not it's made out of plywood it looks like and there is a leak that comes in through the roof of the pilot house the bridge and it dribbles down on my little helmet right next to me it's like our boat is leaking is this how fake this movie is?

[450] We literally We have a blemish in our hull that water can get in through this.

[451] And it's in the movie.

[452] I said, can you take that?

[453] We don't have the special effects budget to remove the leak optically.

[454] So a leak comes in on my head as I'm trying to chase down.

[455] Do you ever think that in your dotage?

[456] That began four years ago, yes.

[457] Yes, yes.

[458] Do you think in your late, late life, when the mind's really starting to go, that you're going to believe that you fought in World War?

[459] or two.

[460] Oh, absolutely.

[461] Oh, absolutely.

[462] Yeah.

[463] Yeah.

[464] I really do think you're going to insist on full military honors at your funeral things that you think that you're entitled to because you've been in so many of these movies.

[465] The kids will wheel me off to point to Hoke in Normandy and I'll say, yeah, I came up the cliffs right there.

[466] That's right.

[467] I'll never forget I squatted here and opened a can of sea rations.

[468] Nothing ever tasted better.

[469] Because I'll tell you, my, you have no bigger in this world than my father who adores all of your films and he is he is an elderly gentleman he's still I think quite vain about his age but he fought bravely in the civil war for the right side I want to get that out there took a mini ball in the wilderness yeah he did shattered his femur he has watched many of you I think almost every project you've done that's in any way involved World War II.

[470] He's watched them all.

[471] And he is now, as he gets older, my brothers and I talk about this, we're pretty sure he thinks he fought in the war.

[472] And he didn't.

[473] He was just a little, he was too young.

[474] So well, sometimes he'll say, that was my war.

[475] That was my war.

[476] And I'll say to him sometimes, you didn't fight in that war.

[477] You were in Milbury, Massachusetts.

[478] And your job was to ride a bicycle every now and then to the power plant to make sure that it was okay at night, because he and his father used to drive around Milbury to make sure everyone's lights were out.

[479] Milbury, Massachusetts.

[480] Conan, there are times when I'm on a commuter flight because I have to go from a press junket in London and I have to fly to Paris to talk about the Da Vinci Code to the press.

[481] And on the flight over, I'm looking at the window of the plane.

[482] Sure, I'm seeing Fock Wolves and Messerschmits come at me. Yes, yes.

[483] I hope, geez, this is my 24th mission.

[484] I sure hope we make it.

[485] and get back.

[486] Are we at the aiming point yet?

[487] I mean, we got to take out that bridge, right?

[488] We got to hit that rolling stockyard there in Bremen or wherever it is.

[489] No, my father says that he was convinced as a child that Hitler throughout the war.

[490] My dad was, I don't know, he's like, you know, at the time, I think he was 12 or 13.

[491] He was convinced that Hitler thought of little else than the power station in Melbourne, Mass, and how to get it.

[492] I consume massive amounts of war movies, and I do think that when I'm completely senile, I'm going to be insisting that I be buried in Arlington.

[493] They're going to say, you're not allowed.

[494] That's right.

[495] I'll say I insist.

[496] I want the flag.

[497] I want the...

[498] I want the taps.

[499] I want taps played.

[500] I want my kids there to be beside me saying, you know, he's still a hero to us.

[501] He fought very brain.

[502] on film and we recognize.

[503] That's right.

[504] You don't understand the import of this question.

[505] How many shots before lunch?

[506] I ask that question many a time.

[507] I know that you, you don't like to watch yourself, which is so strange because you're one of the few people I can think of that I think just about everybody likes to see show up in a film.

[508] You are universally really a lot.

[509] loved when you show up in a film and you seem to know what to do when you're up there.

[510] I am just one fuck you away from blowing that image right off the screen.

[511] I'm always aware of that.

[512] Always just, why don't you just leave me the fuck alone for three minutes while I finish buying shoes?

[513] How about you do that, pal?

[514] You're always just one step away from.

[515] I'm hard pressed to think of what you would have to do.

[516] I think you'd have to pistol whip somebody, you know, for like 40 minutes.

[517] I'm just really beating on them.

[518] I pistol whip a guy who was too slow at a Dunkin' Donuts.

[519] You don't like watching yourself, and one thing I can relate to is you didn't used to like your voice.

[520] You really didn't like your voice.

[521] No, I still don't.

[522] I mean, I have this kind of like squeaky thing.

[523] I can't relate, yeah.

[524] Well, exactly.

[525] I mean, I was going to make that joke on this podcast.

[526] Welcome to Squeaky Voice of Go -Go with Conan O 'Brien and his guest, Kip from Boos and Buddies.

[527] Here we are.

[528] Wow, it's so great to have you here.

[529] Oh, my God.

[530] Let's get back to Andy's room, everybody.

[531] You know, the thing is, when parents are excited to meet me with their kids in elevators, they all say to the kids, this is Woody.

[532] This is Woody.

[533] Say hello to Woody.

[534] And the kid is looking at this, you know, me. And I'm not Woody.

[535] Woody is a thing.

[536] And I say, close your eyes, kid.

[537] Close your eyes.

[538] And, okay, imagine Woody.

[539] and then I speak in my normal voice and they assume Woody is in the elevator with him.

[540] Come on, guys, we've got to get back to Andy's room.

[541] Their eyes is, it is Woody.

[542] That's funny.

[543] This week's right.

[544] You know, the thing is, first of all, I don't know how much you look at yourself on, you know, on your shows or something like that.

[545] I do not.

[546] I've seen me. You know, I've seen it.

[547] There's no surprises there.

[548] I don't rush in order to, go back, go back.

[549] I think that was me on Cinemax.

[550] Oh, look, it's me in Hooch.

[551] You know, I don't, uh, I can't say I don't say I do that.

[552] I do remember once being invited to the, to have, it was a great dinner.

[553] I was invited, Regis Philbin organized a dinner between with Regis, myself, and Jack Parr.

[554] Oh my God.

[555] And I was in heaven, Jack Parr, the Tonight Show host before Johnny Carson and a really brilliant guy.

[556] And so I got to Regis's house because I was going to ride with him to go meet Jack Parr at this restaurant.

[557] And I was so excited and I got there.

[558] And this is when Who Wants to Be a Millionaire was really huge.

[559] Yeah, it sounds like three nights a week, four nights a week.

[560] Three nights a week.

[561] And I went in and I think Joy said he'll be right out.

[562] He's watching tonight's episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

[563] And I was like, you've taped it already.

[564] Oh, that's dedication.

[565] You're watching yourself say, is that your final answer?

[566] And I couldn't.

[567] I was stunned, but I guess, you know, he's a perfectionist.

[568] He's the man working hard.

[569] He wanted to make sure that the guy got his money, you know.

[570] Conan, there's been times I've done your show, and I know when it's on, and I make sure I'm in transit from one place to another.

[571] So there's no way I can accidentally tune in the TV and see whether or not we killed together or not, whether not the bit work.

[572] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[573] I'll leave it up to the side guy.

[574] somebody else could tell me it was a decent Well it's a different era now too There was a This is an absolute true story All right I'm not kidding you I'm not This is not podcast hyperbole The very first thing I ever saw on YouTube This was maybe I don't know How old YouTube was But it's let's say It's in its infancy We're sitting around The dinner table And I got the kids there And my kids Love nothing better Than to point out What an absolute idiot And doofus Their father is despite everything.

[575] And the conversation came on.

[576] My older kids made a reference to a video that Danny Aykroyd and I made to accompany the release of Dragnet, the movie that we made, to a song called City of Crime.

[577] That was back when, in order to promote a movie, you'd do a video and it would be on Friday night videos or something like that.

[578] And so we made a video called City of Crime.

[579] And it was choreographed by Paula Abdul, and we shot it over two days.

[580] And it's me and Danny Aykroyd dancing around like our characters.

[581] It's one of the worst things that have ever has ever been committed to video.

[582] It's just, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's expert in a number of ways, because all the dancers that, you know, the choreography is great.

[583] The dancers were real professional.

[584] In the meantime, here's essentially, you know, skinny voice and bug man that are trying to, like, pretend we know what we're doing.

[585] And we were talking about it.

[586] And my son, the younger son, my younger sons at the time says, oh, dad, I got to see this.

[587] I got to see it.

[588] Where is it?

[589] I said, oh, it's probably on a VHS cassette somewhere buried down in the basement because I had a copy of it.

[590] And lo and behold, my oldest son pulls out his, however, the laptop or whatever was using at the time, and pulled it up on Facebook, excuse me, YouTube.

[591] So the first time I see anything on YouTube.

[592] It's one of the most painful show business experiences.

[593] You know, next to that episode of the Love Boat, there's nothing I would love to disappear into the sightguise more than, you know, some of stuff like this.

[594] And it's what I see on YouTube.

[595] So I've been against that damn thing ever since.

[596] I don't.

[597] No, it's a, no crime is forgotten.

[598] Oh, no crime is forgotten.

[599] And it's seconds away and anyone can watch it.

[600] Never goes away.

[601] You know, my awkward interview with Earth the kit in 1993 is right there if you want to see it and uh it will live forever in aliens right now we're viewing it over and over and over there was a period of time where they were taking like extras from the movies that you did and they would put it on the on the DVDs you know in order to say oh it's include extras so you want to get it and I always thinking why in the world would you want anybody to see that footage of me stumbling to the set with a cup of coffee I don't please let's burn this let's Let's bury it in a vault somewhere.

[602] No, it's everywhere.

[603] Can't escape.

[604] Every sin we've committed is right there for all to see.

[605] Well, very few for me. Really.

[606] Some would say a career without a hitch.

[607] That's right.

[608] Not a bump in the road.

[609] Not a bump in the road.

[610] As I like when I do your show, I love that every seat has a little placard that says Conan O 'Brien finishes every performance with a standing ovation.

[611] So I love that that is guaranteed into every tape.

[612] of Team Coco there.

[613] I think that's a great thing.

[614] Oh, my God.

[615] Yeah, yeah.

[616] The biggest waste of time on television is the undeserved standing ovation that everybody gets now, by the way.

[617] Honestly, is there such a thing as the biggest waste of time on television?

[618] I think that's deep there, man. You're right.

[619] You're right.

[620] You're right.

[621] You're right.

[622] You're right.

[623] I apologize.

[624] I went too far.

[625] I wanted to briefly mention to people, this is an observation I've had.

[626] I met you, I think, in 1988 when I was a punk writer at S &L.

[627] S &L, yeah.

[628] You were part of the boiler room boys we call, I called you, yeah.

[629] You had a room with Smygel.

[630] Greg Daniels, Bob Odenkirk, and you, yeah.

[631] Yeah, and we...

[632] You killed, guys.

[633] There were some, I think, a couple of shows I did.

[634] You guys got like three pieces on the air.

[635] Yeah, we did.

[636] It was a good time, and I remembered always being really excited when you showed up.

[637] But you've proven a theory that I had.

[638] I noticed it.

[639] I think you were one of the first people.

[640] That was my first big gig in television.

[641] And I remembered every time that you would host, you would stay up practically all night with the writers.

[642] I remember at one point walking through the conference room at night, at like three in the morning, and you were lying down on the conference table trying to compose a sketch.

[643] Now, everybody else, everybody else would dip, in and dip out and try and hear what everyone was up to and then they'd go off to dinner with Lorne and then maybe they'd come back for a little bit.

[644] You were alone in your dedication to making it a great show.

[645] More so than any host while I was there.

[646] And I have since told people that you're an example.

[647] I think Bruce Springsteen's an example.

[648] There's certain people I think of where it's not an accident.

[649] But man, I just, I couldn't believe how hard.

[650] you worked.

[651] And I don't know if you still do that.

[652] Well, it's a great hang.

[653] I mean, I was just trying to get the hang, man. You laugh your head off, you know, when you're there.

[654] And there is some awfully good ideas.

[655] But, you know, part of it is, I couldn't believe I was there.

[656] I mean, I'm in the world famous 17th floor with a conference room and the whole bit.

[657] I wanted to, I wanted to soak that up.

[658] That was, hey, Lauren's a fascinating guy.

[659] But after a while, I don't need more Bob Hope stories at dinner.

[660] You know, I love to compare notes with him as much as anybody else.

[661] But eventually, you know, the same Jack Binnie anecdote plays itself.

[662] My favorite game with Lorne is which Paul is he talking about?

[663] Is it Simon and McCartney?

[664] And so I'd literally play this game myself where I'd be with him.

[665] He'd go, you know, Paul called.

[666] And I'd go, okay, that could go other way.

[667] And he's going to come by and he might bring his guitar.

[668] And I'd be like, that doesn't help.

[669] No, that doesn't get me out of it.

[670] and then say, and he's still kind of angry at his partner.

[671] And I'm like, doesn't help.

[672] Still, you haven't had the qualifier yet there.

[673] Yeah, yeah.

[674] And, you know, it doesn't really want to talk that much about the 60s, although he'll play that stuff still, but he wants to do the later stuff, still can't do it.

[675] I'm going to see him at the Hampton, still won't do it.

[676] And, you know, you just, and I think I've been through 45 different combination blocks.

[677] It's like opening that box in the Da Vinci Code where it's like, No, this doesn't get me there.

[678] I still don't know.

[679] How much do you sort of like relive in the same way like Ernie Banks relives, you know, ball games at Wrigley Field regarding S &L?

[680] I mean, you were there for a substantial amount of time.

[681] Every era of S &L is historic in its own way.

[682] I was there at a very fortuitous time because I was there with the, you know, Lovitz, Dana Carvey, Kevin Neillan, Jan Hooks.

[683] Nora Dunn.

[684] Nora Dunn.

[685] Just great.

[686] Great cast.

[687] But then Mike Myers showed up while I was there.

[688] Things just Chris Rock showed up while I was there.

[689] Adam Sandler showed up while I was there.

[690] So it really was this golden time to be on Sarnat Live.

[691] But I have to tell you, great memories, but also almost PTSD.

[692] Well, yeah, a lot of nervous breakdowns, a lot of Machiavellian stabs in the back, a lot of disappointments, a lot of how did this happen?

[693] I used to wander down to 6A, which unbeknownst to me would later become my studio at the time, it was Dave's studio.

[694] Wow, yeah.

[695] And I would sit behind, there was a cloth that they draped over Dave's desk, which ended up being right where my desk was for 16 years, and I would sit behind that desk and try and write sometimes behind his desk on the late night, in on the late night with David Letterman's studio.

[696] And also, two of my moments of absolute fear were on camera and they were with you.

[697] One was one of the first big things I did on TV was a sketch where you did a monologue about how people say I'm the nicest guy in the world, but I'm really not.

[698] It's just, you know, it's ridiculous.

[699] It's not true.

[700] And I'm tired of this.

[701] Tom Hanks is the nicest guy in the world.

[702] It's just not true.

[703] Now, if you'll excuse me a minute, and then you walk off and the camera follows you live and you, do you remember this?

[704] You perform all these miracles.

[705] You're Christ -like.

[706] You had the line.

[707] Stay away from this horse, Mr. Hanks, he bites, and I pet him.

[708] Yes.

[709] No, he's just a misunderstood creature.

[710] Yes.

[711] So I am waiting, and this is live, and you have no idea what it's like.

[712] I mean, you do, but I'm talking to people listening to this podcast, the fear of your punk kid, and at some point Tom Hanks is going to come by at the opening of the show, which at the time is watched by, you know, a million.

[713] Eight billion people, yeah.

[714] Eight billion people live.

[715] And Tom Hanks is going to come by and my job was to stand there holding the horse and then my line was, you go, ah, look at that guy and I go, oh, don't touch him, Mr. Hanks.

[716] That horse bites everyone.

[717] And you go, nonsense.

[718] He's just a misunderstood creature.

[719] Misunderst creature and you pet him and I go, wow.

[720] So you're coming and I just keep repeating my line.

[721] Don't, and of course I'm doing the thing we all do when we're in our heads too much.

[722] Don't bite that horse, Hanks.

[723] No, don't Tom the Hanks.

[724] Wait, don't bite them.

[725] And while I'm trying to do it, do you know who the musical guest was that week?

[726] Of course you don't.

[727] Aerosmith?

[728] It was a newly solo Keith Richards.

[729] Oh my God, with the expensive winos.

[730] Yeah, that's right.

[731] Yes, and Keith Richards was at the craft's food service table next to me. Wearing pixie boots.

[732] And he chooses that time while you're walking towards me, You have about four interactions that you have to have before you get to me and he goes, horses, right?

[733] Horses.

[734] And I'm just going like, what?

[735] And of course I'd love to talk to Keith Richards, but not now.

[736] And he went, and he went, horses, when you think about it, they're the ones that really brought us through civilization without horses.

[737] And it was everything he was explaining how man did it literally on the backs of horses.

[738] And he thought that I was the guy who owned, the horse.

[739] And I almost said to him, shut the fuck up, Keith Richards.

[740] And your idea is bullshit.

[741] Tom Hanks is on his way.

[742] And I've got shit to do.

[743] So I said my line.

[744] And the other one was the first five timers club sketch.

[745] Oh, that was a biggie, yeah.

[746] I'm Sean, and you come in the door, and I'm supposed to put a robe on you, and I'll never forget, you come in the door, and all I have to do, you go, hello, Sean.

[747] And I go, Mr. Hanks.

[748] is take a silk robe and put it on you.

[749] First, silk robe catches on, and you can see it a little bit.

[750] It happens online, yeah, happens on the show.

[751] You can see it.

[752] You can see it.

[753] I'm having a second, and it's just a millisecond, but for me, I saw my entire life flashed before my eyes because I thought, if I can't get this jacket off, I'm dead.

[754] I'm dead forever, but I get it off, and then I go to put it on you, and one of the sleeves catches.

[755] Sleeves was inside out, yeah, yeah.

[756] You remember this, and I'm, you know, I'm saying.

[757] You've probably been angry about it ever since.

[758] No, no, I never saw it after it aired, so I was, I never, I never, look at it.

[759] But you know, you are describing something that everybody goes through.

[760] I have worked with, I've worked with the greatest actors and actresses in ever, and everybody starts mumbling to themselves, their lines over and over again and paces around back and forth.

[761] Merrill, Paul Newman, they all, Everybody who is great, you see them at some point just paced around in the corner of the soundstage going, we're going to have to get out of here right now.

[762] We're going to have to get out of here right now.

[763] We have to get out of here right.

[764] We have to get out.

[765] They all, when we're making the post, and by the way, everybody is pitching themselves because of Lady Mary Merrill, who couldn't be.

[766] cooler in the gruvious way possible.

[767] And we have this, I know, we got some big, big harangue that we have to go at to, and it's just me and her.

[768] And I was looking around for instance, anybody seen Merrill around?

[769] Yeah, you know, she's in the living room of the set.

[770] You know, we weren't using, so it had all this equipment and stuff.

[771] And she's sitting on the couch with her cheap three -ring binder, like from CVS drugs, you know, with the script in it.

[772] And I see her, she's doing that thing and I say, da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -ma -da.

[773] And I go over and I find her and said, hey, hey, Merrill, yeah.

[774] I said, you want to just run the scene, run the dialogue?

[775] I said, can we please run this dialogue?

[776] So it's, you know, everybody thinks that there's some high level of, no, at the end of the day, man, you've just got to figure out how to do it somehow and, and, and, and, and, and, you know, and tell the truth.

[777] Everybody goes.

[778] Everybody does it.

[779] The other thing about backstage, all the scenes backstage, this was one of the miracles that why Lauren is a genius.

[780] Anytime there's a scene backstage that started then, there's always some animal, a Vegas show girl, and an Elvis look alike.

[781] You know, they're not part of the sketch.

[782] They're just populating what backstage at a big show.

[783] Big show looks like.

[784] And I've since I've gone back, I said, if you see that, you say, but what, what sketch has, an Elvis lookalike in it.

[785] You start waiting for it for the rest of the show.

[786] And it's just for that one little bit.

[787] I always wanted to be in that show business.

[788] I didn't want to be in sterile show business.

[789] I always wanted to be in the show business where there's someone dressed as an alien backstage.

[790] Someone dresses a show girl.

[791] And I love it when someone's in a costume and they lose their temper backstage.

[792] Because I've seen it happen many times where someone's dressed as a bear and they lose it about at someone else backstage and they're yelling at them wearing a costume that completely invalidates their dignity.

[793] When Peter Scalar and I were doing bosom buddies, we have the only two guys on the show, and we were on stage 25 at Paramount Studios.

[794] The women were all on the other side.

[795] They had dressing rooms.

[796] They had new dressing rooms.

[797] We had the old dressing rooms that were closest to the makeup, hair and makeup room.

[798] And so we would be leaning in each other's little door.

[799] And I would have high heels, panty hose, you know, a wig on, lip gloss, not the dress.

[800] We'd just be there.

[801] And Peter would be at his desk with a robe on and he's got his puffy slippers and he's got his girdle and all that.

[802] And we'd be talking about how hard it is, you know, look, I'm just trying to raise a family.

[803] And I, you know, the woman in my life, you know, we have these discussions about where we think we are.

[804] It was, it couldn't have been a more incongruous conversation that we were going to have.

[805] Deep, you know, Kirkagard once said about the artistic condition.

[806] Let me adjust my hose for a second.

[807] Well, I want to make sure I feel guilty about keeping you so long.

[808] You're Tom Hanks.

[809] Oh, my God.

[810] You know what?

[811] Quick, let's hurry up and end so we can go meet somewhere in coffee and do this for another two hours.

[812] I heard that you go for walks with some of our good friends on Fridays.

[813] Yes, I do.

[814] And when I found out from one of my good friends, I want to say, can you not give me a call?

[815] Can I not join this walk around the night?

[816] I don't feel, and this is me being completely honest, I don't have the status to contact Tom Hanks and say we're going for a walk.

[817] Oh, I think you.

[818] Sona, back me up.

[819] Don't I perpetually feel?

[820] No. No, he doesn't have it.

[821] You and I were once talking about the latest book, The Wordy Shipmates by Sarah Val, because you and I, we share a lot of the stuff.

[822] Yes, yes.

[823] You were telling me, you said, I was sitting at the coffee place, which I know, And you were sitting there reading Sarah Val's new book.

[824] And I can only think, I'll meet you there.

[825] We'll just sit there and read it together.

[826] And we'll have coffee and say, have you read this thing on page 77?

[827] This is amazing.

[828] All right.

[829] You shouldn't put that out there.

[830] I would love to take a walk with you and some of these funny people who take a walk.

[831] Socially distance.

[832] Socially distance.

[833] By the way, how little is being asked of us, honestly?

[834] What is the least you can do?

[835] Literally.

[836] Where a map?

[837] and wash your hands, that is, in fact, the least you can do.

[838] Right.

[839] Just that little, just that little bit, you know.

[840] Don't infringe on my right to not do that.

[841] That's my goddamn right.

[842] To not do that.

[843] I believe it is the 19th article of the Constitution that allows me not to do stuff.

[844] Yeah.

[845] I do not have to have an FM band on my radio.

[846] I do not.

[847] You know what?

[848] This has been a pure delight.

[849] I want to say, you've been, I think I said this to you once and you laughed and I don't know why, but I said, I don't know why you're so nice to me, but you've been incredibly kind to me and you are just a delightful man and a great human being.

[850] I really mean that.

[851] And I just, I love, I loved talking to you today.

[852] I heard this story about you that made me laugh even though you weren't there because somebody else told it about me. So you were growing up and you were essentially laid.

[853] Lace Curtin, Irish, Boston, red -haired, small house, big family, big Catholic family, a lot of kids.

[854] And at some point, somebody threw, it was in the kitchen and threw a potato.

[855] My mother, we'll see that, my mother, Marty Short loves this story.

[856] The story is the story works because my mom, her lifelong mission is that we would not be cheap Irish.

[857] We would be lace curtain, respectable Irish.

[858] And so she would always say, we're not, you know, the Illyries are cheap Irish and the O'Malley's are cheap Irish.

[859] But the O 'Brien's.

[860] We.

[861] And she would speak like, she spoke like Margaret Dumont from the Marx Brothers movies.

[862] Well, she would say, we are lace curtain Irish.

[863] So, and she's also, she's got a real job.

[864] She's working as a lawyer and she's on the phone and she's talking to a client when all hell breaks loose and all six kids are fighting and making noise in the kitchen.

[865] And she, wants us to be quiet, but she can't, she can't yell at us because that would betray to this client that we're not lace curtain iris, that we're cheap Irish.

[866] So she looks for the nearest thing to get our attention.

[867] And she picks up a potato, which is on the counter.

[868] And she goes to toss it lightly into the middle of the room.

[869] But because she's upset and angry, she throws it too hard, we duck, it smashes through the kitchen window, sails out.

[870] And the neighbors are here yelling.

[871] And And then a potato goes smashing through the window, and we were mud.

[872] It was over in our neighborhood.

[873] We were, no one ever respected us again.

[874] She couldn't throw a chelayle.

[875] It had to be.

[876] I know, I know.

[877] She might as well have thrown a lepric, a leprecha.

[878] It couldn't be a pint glass of stout.

[879] It had to be a, it had to be a, see, because when I heard that story, I just thought, okay, if, if there is a god of comedy timing, I have a written down address of this guy I want to go talk to named Conan O 'Brien.

[880] I'm in a section of Boston I'm not familiar with.

[881] Here's that.

[882] I can't really see the numbers.

[883] I know he's Irish.

[884] He comes from a big Catholic family, O 'Brien.

[885] This looks like an Irish neighbor.

[886] I which one, I wonder which house is Conan's.

[887] Oh, I think it's the one with the potato that just came to.

[888] Crash.

[889] Crash.

[890] I think that's it.

[891] Hey, Conan, I'm Tom.

[892] You want to read some Sarah Val together?

[893] I would.

[894] but this is 1977 and you're never going to amount to anything, Tom Hanks.

[895] Let me make sure that I mention again, Greyhound is fantastic and we gave all the information up top on how you can watch it.

[896] But it is just a delightful harrowing tale.

[897] You know what's funny is that people just describe this because people don't know this, but when you're in show business and they want you to see a movie, they burn your name in giant initiative.

[898] Oh, did it say Conan O 'Brien?

[899] Brian on it?

[900] It said Conan O 'Brien in massive.

[901] Now, I'm okay with that because I have a big ego.

[902] But at the end, you do this very nice tribute to the people that, just a text about the people, the number of ships that were lost in the North Atlantic.

[903] And it's underneath my giant name, this tribute to true heroes in World War II.

[904] I promise you.

[905] And then I turned to my son and I said, wouldn't it be kind of funny if when they sent this movie out for streaming as great as it is, if it went out the Conan O 'Brien version so it had my name on it.

[906] And my son said, no, dad, that wouldn't be funny.

[907] It's a really good movie.

[908] Well, hey, this has been great to talk to you.

[909] I'll do it any time.

[910] And let's see each other as soon as possible.

[911] That goes for everybody, Adam and Aaron and Joanna and Sona and Jen.

[912] Whitney Tankred is one of my crack team of show business professionals, invaluable of service in every way, shape, and form.

[913] It's a credit to your star power that I've never seen most of these people before.

[914] This was, I swear to God, we don't have that many people.

[915] I think we have many interlopers.

[916] I am but a puppet and they are my masters.

[917] All right, hey, Tom, my best to you and my absolute best to the lovely Rita.

[918] And I hope I come across you again.

[919] But God bless you for doing this.

[920] And I also do want to mention your book of short stories.

[921] I pick through that often.

[922] and I really impressed.

[923] I'm very impressed with that book.

[924] Uncommon type.

[925] So I'm just putting a plug out there for Uncommon Type because it was very well reviewed.

[926] It did well and it's out there and get it.

[927] And they're just really terrific short stories.

[928] I will confess that there were times I would go into bookstores specifically to find that my copies of my book severely discounted on the lower shelves.

[929] And I would take however many copies they had.

[930] and move some bestseller down to the lower shelf and put mine back up, you know, it was like number three, something like that.

[931] Sure, sure.

[932] If I could rip off that discount sticker, I would do that without having any damage done.

[933] Yeah.

[934] Well, thanks very much.

[935] Thanks so much.

[936] Yeah, yeah.

[937] All right.

[938] Well, sir, I salute you.

[939] Peace and love.

[940] Peace and love, says Ringo.

[941] Peace and love.

[942] Oh, thank you very much.

[943] Peace and love.

[944] Peace and love.

[945] We made two, you know.

[946] One was black and way.

[947] Thanks, guys.

[948] See you soon.

[949] Hey, thank you, Tom.

[950] Bye -bye.

[951] Bye -bye.

[952] Okay, Conan O 'Brien here and Conan and the Chill Chums.

[953] Is that a Z in it?

[954] Oh, man. Oh, it doesn't so far, but now it's feeling like it should.

[955] Does it, though?

[956] Why not go all the way?

[957] Go all the way with...

[958] You know what?

[959] I like it.

[960] This is a summer version of the show.

[961] I want you to picture me now in sort of board shorts and like a tank top.

[962] Oh.

[963] A lot of white.

[964] skin.

[965] What?

[966] When I picture it, it's, it's very long, very white limbs.

[967] Yeah, you're wearing a wifebeater, but that's white, yet somehow darker than the rest of the body.

[968] Sona, in my defense, I think you're forgetting my blotchy freckles.

[969] And the weird red color I get when exposed either, even to indirect sunlight for eight seconds.

[970] Did you guys remember there was a G .I. Joe doll in the 80s that when you put it in the sun, it would change colors really quickly.

[971] Oh, yeah.

[972] Zartan.

[973] Yeah, Zartan, yeah.

[974] He died of skin cancer.

[975] He's the only G .I. Joe to die of melanoma.

[976] Oh, my God.

[977] That was his code name.

[978] That's cool.

[979] Did you have G .I. Joe's?

[980] I still do.

[981] Oh, okay.

[982] You said that like it was cool.

[983] I was admitting a fault.

[984] Yeah.

[985] Yeah, I had a G .I. Joe.

[986] I love G .I. Joe.

[987] And in the 70s, this would be like 1973 or 74.

[988] They had a G. Joe, who was African -American, and he had a beard, and that's the GI Joe I wanted.

[989] I thought he was the coolest GI Joe, and he had a real beard, meaning it wasn't painted on.

[990] It had little fuzz.

[991] So I had this GI Joe, I loved him, and then I came up with a name for him, Doven, D -O -V -E -N.

[992] Dovon?

[993] What?

[994] Yeah, I wanted a name that no one had ever heard of before, so I couldn't call him Greg or Steve or Joe.

[995] Yes, that's him.

[996] that was my, that's my G .I. Joe.

[997] I'm putting him up on the Zoom.

[998] Yeah.

[999] That's the G .I. Joe I got.

[1000] That's Dovan.

[1001] That's Dovan.

[1002] Oh, wow.

[1003] That's what I got.

[1004] Here's where things get kind of bad.

[1005] I had Doven for a while and I really loved, I really love my G .I. Joe.

[1006] And then, after a while, I was like, uh, I think I would have had him like a year.

[1007] I was like, maybe I could lose the beard.

[1008] And because it was fuzz, I went up in my gut, uh, I was, I was, shaving yet, but I got my dad's shaving kit.

[1009] And I shaved off Doven's beard.

[1010] Oh.

[1011] But pieces of plastic came with it.

[1012] Oh, so it's all screwed up.

[1013] It looked like he had a really bad skin condition.

[1014] Oh, Dovin.

[1015] I know.

[1016] And I felt so bad.

[1017] I was like, Dovan, what have I done to you?

[1018] Like little chunks of his skin came out and it looked like, was it, was it a fire?

[1019] Is this smallpox?

[1020] What happened?

[1021] Yeah, I felt bad about that.

[1022] We'll put a picture of Dovin up on the Team Coco social.

[1023] Those G .I. Joes, look them up, though.

[1024] The beard was strange.

[1025] They really touted how...

[1026] It would have been better if they had painted the beard on, because I don't know what they stuck into these G .I. Joe's faces, but it was very strange, and the G .I. Joes themselves don't look happy about it.

[1027] Yeah, and they've all got mighty, thick beards.

[1028] Well, these are real men.

[1029] These are the Sam Elliott's of action figures.

[1030] Yeah, minus the penis.

[1031] Sorry?

[1032] Oh, come on.

[1033] Well, there's no penis there.

[1034] It's just, it's weird.

[1035] They have very thick beards and they have no genitalia, which is counterintuitive.

[1036] It's weird.

[1037] What was going on with you in Dovan?

[1038] Nothing.

[1039] I loved my GI Joe.

[1040] I really liked my GI Joe, and I was.

[1041] He seemed pretty familiar with his anatomy.

[1042] Yeah.

[1043] You have to undress them at some point.

[1044] You do, you have to.

[1045] Well, you do it to change their clothes every night and bathe them.

[1046] What?

[1047] And then hold them close to your.

[1048] chest.

[1049] Oh, Dovan.

[1050] Doven.

[1051] Sweet Doven.

[1052] It was a forbidden love, a love between a man and his GI Joe.

[1053] Where's Dovan today?

[1054] Oh, I don't know that he could have survived once I messed up his face, which I feel bad about.

[1055] Oh.

[1056] Dovin.

[1057] You guys got any big summer plans?

[1058] No. Well, here's the problem.

[1059] There's COVID, right?

[1060] What?

[1061] And so that means there's no travel right now.

[1062] Then the other thing is I do like to go up the.

[1063] coast sometimes and go to the beach.

[1064] But guess what our beach has now?

[1065] COVID.

[1066] No, sharks.

[1067] What else maybe have, you know, has great white sharks.

[1068] What?

[1069] So, yeah, there's great white sharks in the waters up near Santa Barbara.

[1070] And if you go up there to go swimming, those are the really good beaches are.

[1071] For real?

[1072] Yeah.

[1073] Have you seen the sharks?

[1074] Yes, I have.

[1075] The juveniles.

[1076] Yeah, I've seen them.

[1077] The juveniles.

[1078] I've been in the water when a fin has gone by.

[1079] Shut up.

[1080] And yeah, and it was not, it was a, I mean, it was a, it was a juvenile.

[1081] don't think they mean much harm.

[1082] And so I saw the juvenile, and I was just thrashing.

[1083] And I was also wearing a bathing suit made of Parma ham.

[1084] Oh, God.

[1085] It's weird.

[1086] He keeps saying juvenile.

[1087] Yeah, it is weird.

[1088] Is it that?

[1089] That's what they call them.

[1090] They call them a young shark.

[1091] Okay.

[1092] But you're stressing it like I'm a shark expert.

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] Well, I hate to say this.

[1095] I hate to brag, but I did run into a shark expert who was on the beach watching the sharks.

[1096] Cool brag.

[1097] And hold on.

[1098] I didn't get there yet.

[1099] And he started explaining to me why they're moving in.

[1100] And he started explaining me the science of the sharks.

[1101] And he said, these are juveniles.

[1102] And I said, ah, young ones, eh?

[1103] And he went, we call him juveniles.

[1104] And so I thought, I'm going to start calling him juveniles.

[1105] But then you had to shame me for calling them juveniles.

[1106] But you're not a shark expert.

[1107] Aren't I now?

[1108] Because I talked to a shark expert.

[1109] Oh, yeah, that's how it works.

[1110] So shark expertise is viral.

[1111] I'm just telling you, I talked to him for six minutes.

[1112] He told me some stuff about sharks.

[1113] The young ones are called juveniles, and they're in the waters.

[1114] I mean, I don't fear for my own safety.

[1115] Most of my work is recorded.

[1116] I think I would get a nice bump, you know, in attention.

[1117] Oh, yeah.

[1118] To be attacked by a shark.

[1119] Yeah.

[1120] I think it'd be a lot of people saying, hey, I hear before he got eaten, he made some pretty good podcasts.

[1121] Let's check him out.

[1122] I think everyone here would profit.

[1123] It would be great for us.

[1124] Even just a shark bite.

[1125] It would be great.

[1126] You know, even, no, not you, you know, getting eaten, but like a shark bite would be really cool.

[1127] That would totally.

[1128] Yeah, could you do that?

[1129] Get your rep. I'm going to try.

[1130] I'm going to try.

[1131] Yeah, just try to get bitten by a shark.

[1132] Yeah, could you try that?

[1133] I don't, here's the thing.

[1134] I don't want to lose a limb.

[1135] If it's a juvenile, it's probably not going to take a limb.

[1136] I'm sorry, what's a juvenile?

[1137] It's a young shark.

[1138] Oh, cool.

[1139] That's so cool that you know that.

[1140] I think you do want to lose a limb.

[1141] I don't want to lose a limb.

[1142] First of all, my limbs are very long.

[1143] So if a shark tried to eat one of my limbs, it would be like someone trying to eat a whole bowl of fusili pasta with one slurp.

[1144] The shark would be like eating the leg and there would be like, oh, I got to keep going.

[1145] I got to keep going.

[1146] And then he would look around nervously like you do in an Italian restaurant when you can't cut the pasta, you've got to just keep going.

[1147] Yeah, it's lady without the tramp.

[1148] Exactly.

[1149] Yeah.

[1150] And the shark would keep slurping and slurping and slurping and slurping.

[1151] And there'd be more long white leg and more and more.

[1152] and a waiter would come over and say, can I help you, sir?

[1153] And the juvenile would go like, I think I'm fine.

[1154] Slurp, slurp, slurp.

[1155] Okay.

[1156] All right.

[1157] Just a shark bite.

[1158] Okay, we did it.

[1159] Okay, well, no one needs to hear me describe at length, a juvenile shark, eating up one of my legs like Fusili pasta.

[1160] That's an image that we've all heard way too often.

[1161] So that's it.

[1162] Bye.

[1163] We'll see you next week.

[1164] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1165] with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1166] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1167] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1168] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1169] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1170] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1171] The show is engineered by Will Bechtin.

[1172] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1173] Got a question for Colin.

[1174] Call the Team Cocoa hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1175] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1176] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1177] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.