Your Kid Doesn't Fit In. Best Podcast of 2020

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[22] So you've got a child who has a very busy brain.

[23] You can see it, right?

[24] Like he's always thinking about things.

[25] she's always moving, jumping from one thing to another, right, gets super focused on something and can't let it go.

[26] But then if you ask something, it's like they don't even hear you.

[27] It's like they're in their own little brain.

[28] So how are you going to work with those kids in school?

[29] What are you going to do with them when you're teaching them from home?

[30] Or how do you expect them to listen to teachers when they're in the classroom?

[31] So we're going to talk about today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[32] So we're glad you're here.

[33] This is Kirk Martin, Founder Celebrate Calm.

[34] You can find us at CelebrateColm .com.

[35] So a couple quick things.

[36] If you need help, this is what we live for.

[37] We love helping assertive people.

[38] Our favorite emails are like, I'm listening to your podcast and you're describing our child.

[39] How can you help us?

[40] So reach out to our son.

[41] His name is Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[42] Tell them about your family.

[43] We collaborate here as a family.

[44] We'll answer.

[45] We'll give you some tips.

[46] And he will help you find the resources you need within your budget.

[47] We're here to help.

[48] So be assertive.

[49] Reach out to us.

[50] It's what we do.

[51] And you can find all of our stuff at the website, celebrate calm .com.

[52] There's a free newsletter.

[53] Blah, blah, blah.

[54] You know what I'm talking about.

[55] So here's where this podcast comes from.

[56] I may get a little bit angry in it.

[57] I may be a little bit more emotional because we were visiting the beach the other day.

[58] And I was observing this family because that's what I do.

[59] Right.

[60] It's just, you know, that's what.

[61] you do.

[62] If you're an engineer, you stop and look how things work.

[63] Well, I try to look and see how people work and kids work.

[64] And so I'm watching this kid.

[65] He was about 10 and just never stopped moving.

[66] He was building this really cool fort out of skimboards and towels.

[67] And then he'd get on a skimboard and he'd do that for a few minutes.

[68] And then he had a kite.

[69] He had all kinds of stuff going on.

[70] And I looked down and I said, hey, that's one of our kids.

[71] And I know you're going to be like, oh, you can't really tell.

[72] I can tell.

[73] Right?

[74] We had 1 ,500 of these.

[75] kids in our home.

[76] They have certain characteristics.

[77] You can look, you can see their brains working.

[78] You can see it in their eyes.

[79] They're often so in tune with what they are doing that they're oblivious to other things.

[80] And I know sometimes when you give them directions, it is selective hearing.

[81] They just don't want to hear your voice and they don't want to be told what to do.

[82] I get that, not making an excuse, but here's what it usually is.

[83] They can hyper focus and they they are drawn to things that they are curious about and they have these awesome brains that almost never get appreciated because in school we're always we'll focus on this focus on this but they're really super curious about something else and i'm not saying that as an excuse well just let them do whatever they want that's not what we're saying but we rarely rarely ever enter into their world and find out what's going on inside that brain because I can tell you it's a fascinating little place and they're not trying to be little jerks they're not trying to be um right because we get on like oh he's always daydreaming do you know look I'm getting a little bit angry already because it's not angry at you it's angry at us because we don't dig in and we see everything on the surface level and we make these statements as educators as parents all the time oh he's daydreaming.

[84] And don't you know the kids who daydream are very, very bright kids because they get things very quickly at times.

[85] And so in order to not be bored, because they need their brain stimulated, they go somewhere else really quickly in their brains to keep that brain engaged.

[86] Daydreaming can be a really helpful thing.

[87] And if you learn how to use it, try this.

[88] This wasn't even in my notes.

[89] I hope this is helpful.

[90] Look, sometimes when that child is daydreaming, whether it's in a classroom or at your house, you say, hey, where did you just go?

[91] Where'd you just go in your brain?

[92] Because I bet it's really interesting, isn't it?

[93] And you will see that child's face light up unless you've always badgered him and he's shut down now and he doesn't want to open up to you.

[94] But most of the time, if you ask the kids about what they're interested in, instead of it always being about your anxiety and what you need them to do, I promise you they will be much more compliant and you can get them to do things, but ask them where they are.

[95] Ask them where they went inside that brain and follow them there.

[96] You will find out so much about them and what makes them engaged and curious.

[97] And then you can use that to your advantage when you're trying to get them to do things or do their schoolwork.

[98] Does that make sense?

[99] It's a really cool thing.

[100] So I'm watching this kid.

[101] His brain never starts working as mom, to her credit, was really patient.

[102] because she gave him room to kind of flit about and be curious and to build things.

[103] And so we're getting ready to leave.

[104] And I walked up and I complimented him on the fort because it was actually really cool.

[105] It was a nice piece of engineering.

[106] And you can see he's got this little engineering brain.

[107] And so the mom immediately goes to, hey, honey, look him in the eyes.

[108] And he had a hard time with it.

[109] And he kind of said something and he walked away.

[110] And I was okay with that.

[111] I'm going to get to that in a minute.

[112] But I mentioned to the mom, I'm like, hey, it looks like he's got a really good engineering brain.

[113] She said, yeah, he's fixing things up in the condo.

[114] He's taking things apart.

[115] He's always looking to see how things work and picturing them.

[116] And I walked away and I thought, I wonder how school goes for a kid like this.

[117] I kind of already know that because we worked in so many schools.

[118] But it's going to be tough because his brain's all over the place.

[119] And he's probably impulsive and he blurts out because he gets some idea that he was thinking about and he can't wait to share it because he's excited and he doesn't have good he doesn't always have good short -term memory right because he's got a very strategic brain so he probably blurts out and he probably gets in trouble and he probably has this really brilliant brain that never gets used and there's no positive outlet for it and many of these kids are in trouble because i could just i can just see it in that kid because he's like so many of our kids so much energy and it's like a nervous energy and it doesn't have anywhere to go when you're supposed to sit still all day long, which is very unnatural, they're going to get in trouble at times.

[120] How do you think remote learning is going to work sitting in front of a computer all day, listening to a lecture via Zoom on things he already knows or he isn't interested in?

[121] He's going to be bugging his parents to take things apart and build things and make messes and experiment, right?

[122] And he's going to want to move around and you're going to have to let him do that, right?

[123] And that's what we're going through in that we're doing this remote learning boot camp and we're going to show you how to let your kids move while they're doing remote learning and how to get them engaged it's really cool when you understand their brains and you can use this kid's brain to his advantage but most of the time we see it as a disadvantage and we work against them and the truth is many of our kids simply are not going to live up to society's expectations and this is where I want to go with this this podcast can be we're going to do some specifics we're going to be a little bit broader and I'm going to do some more on very very specific what do you do but I want to hit this because it really hit me when I walked away from the beach here's what hit me these kids make us really uncomfortable because they don't fit in and they're not a tidy little package they're not what you expected they're not always what you wanted right and when I approached him remember the mom had to remind him to look at me while he was talking to me why because it's common courtesy and it's what society expects, and there's nothing wrong with that expectation.

[124] There's nothing wrong with your expectations.

[125] Here's the problem.

[126] Many of your kids simply are not going to live up to society's expectations, and that's where we get into trouble as parents and teachers, because we get so consumed trying to make sure that our kids do what's expected at school, do what's expected socially, do what's expected athletically, right?

[127] like play a team sport which most of your kids are not going to do well and then they're going to feel like weirdos and outcast and usually dad which was me would lecture them on playing team sports because you've got to build team leadership no they don't most of our kids are going to do individual sports and they're going to play instruments and they're going to do things by themselves and what happens is we end up kind of shaming them in a way and making them feel like there's something wrong with them right and it's like this um What hit me was this mom didn't do anything wrong, but what hit me was she wanted this kid to look in the eyes.

[128] He's not going to look me in the eyes.

[129] He's just not, right?

[130] Because that's not who he is right now.

[131] He's not confident.

[132] His brain was all over the place.

[133] And so we never really let them be themselves because it makes us uncomfortable.

[134] We never truly accept them because we're always trying to fix them.

[135] Is that not true?

[136] You're always trying to fix this child.

[137] Now, if you're really smart as a parent, you hide it and it comes across in really subtle ways.

[138] Those of you who are a little bit more controlling, you don't have a lot of subtlety.

[139] You're just flat out trying to control your child.

[140] Others of you, especially those who have been around us, they're like, well, I'm not going to outwardly do it, but you find subtle ways.

[141] But if you look inside your heart and your brain and your motivations.

[142] There's just always little things that bug you.

[143] And so even if you're hiding it, there's little parts of you're like, well, I just wish you'd do it this way.

[144] Why does he have to do it that way?

[145] And you have to, right?

[146] And look, you've got to be able to do this.

[147] And I know why you do that because you love your child.

[148] You love them.

[149] You want them to fit in to be accepted socially.

[150] It's easier that way.

[151] But the truth is, it's going to hurt a little bit.

[152] haven't actually accepted them.

[153] Not really because we're kind of embarrassed by them, especially when compared to their normal siblings who have social graces and social skills, who listen to teachers and follow instructions from adults.

[154] And that's all an awesome thing.

[155] But these kids begin internalizing there's something wrong with me. That's way more damaging than anything else.

[156] To go through your entire childhood feeling like I'm different and nobody understands me and everybody misjudges me right and then we've got our our weird little kids over there right now do i i don't think they're weird i think we had 1 ,500 of these kids come into our home i love these kids i like the different kids yes they're a little different and they're off a little bit at times they're like one step or two steps off socially and that makes us uncomfortable but that's what made me angry when i walked off the beach because we're going to do everything right everything we are going to do, we're going to do it to make that brilliant little kid.

[157] Watch out.

[158] Let me step back and say that again.

[159] I want to express this the right way.

[160] That brilliant little kid that you have, he's perfectly happy and content and excited and stimulated while building things and creating and thinking of new ideas.

[161] We're going to take that kid and try to make him be like everyone else.

[162] And that's wrong.

[163] Well, what if he grows up in his little?

[164] bit odd to others.

[165] So what if he doesn't quite fit in socially?

[166] Maybe you are the one who is unhappy with that or thinks that he is unhappy.

[167] But I can promise you he's probably not.

[168] He's perfectly happy doing things the odd way, marching to the beat of his own drum.

[169] He's probably actually creating a new and better or different drum altogether because what these kids, that very oppositional part of them, that part that irritates you, because it will push back on you.

[170] Look, they will fight you on something just to fight you.

[171] They will take the opposite sometimes just to trigger you.

[172] And you're like, well, that's not nice.

[173] Well, maybe you shouldn't get triggered all the time.

[174] Right?

[175] Is that not true?

[176] Right.

[177] So that's, look, I can see that in me. When I'm around extended family, I'll just take the opposite political view of them, even if I don't believe in it.

[178] And I'll argue the case.

[179] Why?

[180] Because it's more interesting that way.

[181] And I'm I like exploring.

[182] And just like your kids, I like, now your kids like tinkering with people's brains because it's interesting.

[183] That's what they're doing with you when they're pushing your buttons.

[184] And that's entirely your issue, right?

[185] Well, this is not nice.

[186] Well, you're 40.

[187] Grow up.

[188] Right?

[189] Like, you want me to change the 6 year old and the 40 year old's not willing to change?

[190] This is an awesome podcast.

[191] I know it's going to hit you a little bit.

[192] I'm having so much fun because there's a lot in here.

[193] And look, I always try to say this.

[194] There's no blame and no guilt.

[195] I'm not saying that you're a bad parent.

[196] That's not what we're about.

[197] It's that we're inadvertently doing things.

[198] Because we love our kids, we're inadvertently doing things that actually hurt the relationship and work against us.

[199] All of your anxiety about all these things that are wrong with your kids is actually causing you to do things that make it worse.

[200] And so the reason I want you to change or for me to change, one, we're the only people we can change.

[201] I can't change you.

[202] I can't change your kids.

[203] You can't change your kids, but you can change yourself.

[204] And two, I know that when you change yourself, your kids change.

[205] Right.

[206] It's, and I want you to get comfortable with, right, people being different.

[207] And the fact that your child may grow up and be different.

[208] Why does everybody have to be perfectly polite and socially in tune?

[209] What if he's happy in his little imaginations world?

[210] You know people like that, right?

[211] You know people.

[212] Nice as guy.

[213] Happy, loves his work a little bit odd, but who cares?

[214] Look, I'm odd.

[215] I've got all kinds of weird little things about me, but I guarantee you part of the reason you listen to this podcast is because I think differently and I see your kids in situations different ways, because I see the odd is good and normal and healthy.

[216] And that's why the odd ideas that we come up with would never occur to a neurotypical therapist, not knocking them, but you can't take a child who's wired completely different to a neurotypical therapist who doesn't understand their brains, right?

[217] Because what ends up happening?

[218] Well, your kids, you just need to have clear expectations and boundaries and give clear consequences and follow through.

[219] Okay, that makes sense for the neurotypical child, right?

[220] But it doesn't make sense for the child who doesn't give a rip about consequences, right?

[221] So you can't take ideas and solutions that work for people whose brains and fired a certain way and then think they're going to work with your kids.

[222] That's not how it works.

[223] And so that's why our ideas are odd and weird.

[224] I just had with that boot camp we're doing.

[225] And I would sign up for it.

[226] We're kicking it off in a couple weeks.

[227] It's on the website, celebrate calling .com boot camp.

[228] Tap.

[229] Right?

[230] I started working with parents because if you sign up now, you get to ask me personal questions about very specific questions and I will answer them in the boot camp and I've been working with some parents already before it even starts because that's what we do and I came up with this idea and I'm not going to share it here because it's a fantastic idea phenomenal idea and I'm saving it for the boot camp and I because this mom is working from home and she's single mom has two kids how is she going to keep them engaged in off the screens all day long after their school works done and I gave her this idea and I said look you're going to resist this idea because it's very odd and it's weird and it would never occur to you and I you to try it.

[231] And so she did it, and she said, I had no idea it would work like that.

[232] And I was like, because you're assuming that your kids are like you and they're not.

[233] And she said, this is fantastic.

[234] And I was like, awesome.

[235] That's what we do.

[236] Try the weird stuff.

[237] It works.

[238] And so my challenge to you, my challenge to you is threefold.

[239] One, have you really understood why your child does things the way he does?

[240] You must, you must, must, must get inside their brains and hearts.

[241] Otherwise, you will misjudge their motives and you will create tons of power struggles and resentment.

[242] So I encourage you.

[243] Listen to the Strong Will Child Program.

[244] Listen to the ADHD University program first.

[245] They're part of the Calm Parenting Package.

[246] They're on sale on the website.

[247] Take advantage of them.

[248] If you need help with all this stuff, email Casey.

[249] But the point is, I want you to really understand your kids and dig deep inside of them so you don't misjudge them.

[250] Because when I walked off the beach that day, I felt this pain inside, and it was the pain for two things.

[251] It was one pain for the child, because you know what it feels like to grow up here in child?

[252] Look, to grow up your entire childhood and feel like there's something wrong with you.

[253] And look, here's what it feels like.

[254] Inside, it's like, there's nothing wrong with me. This is just the way I've always been.

[255] Look, it's not like they woke up one day and said, huh, I think I'm going to be really different and stick out like a sore thumb.

[256] I think I'd like to be the one who causes all the problems in our home so that my siblings get upset at me and we can't do anything as a family and I ruin everything and dad yells at me all the time and even the grandparents don't really like having me around.

[257] Yeah, I think I'm going to do that and then when I go to school, I think I'm going to get in trouble all the time so the teachers don't like me and I have to go to the principal's office and I feel like I'm kind of smart because I'm really curious about all this stuff but then I kind of find dumb and I'm stupid and I'm slow in doing my work and I get in trouble because I forget to turn in stupid homework.

[258] It doesn't even really mean anything in life and I know that deep down that it was a stupid busy work assignment and so I forgot it because I was thinking about all kinds of interesting stuff that I think makes sense to me and then I'm good at but I'm continually dragged down and told you did that wrong.

[259] You did that wrong.

[260] You did that.

[261] wrong.

[262] You didn't do your chores.

[263] You didn't do this.

[264] So at the end of the day, you know what I'm saying inside?

[265] Go eff yourself.

[266] Screw everybody.

[267] Forgive me if that offends you, but sometimes you have to hear things on a guttural level.

[268] And what's really inside these kids?

[269] And I guarantee you, if you have a tween or a teenager who's been through this, you know what their default right now is?

[270] go F yourself because for 10, 12, 13, 16 years, all it's felt like is you don't like me and you've never been happy with me. So go F yourself.

[271] Sorry, I didn't plan on doing that, but I'm not really sorry because you've got to hear it sometimes.

[272] And look, I got an email from this couple and I'm going to try not to give it away.

[273] But they're from a, they're really smart people, right?

[274] And highly professional people, smart, smart people.

[275] And they wrote this long email to me. And they're like, we can't get our son to be motivated.

[276] We can't do this.

[277] And we've done these things.

[278] And our husband has been working this job 16 hours a day for three years.

[279] We tried to do this with them.

[280] And all that hit me inside was, I know why your son is shut down.

[281] Because you two are both very high achieving people.

[282] Your husband works 16 hours a day for three straight years.

[283] You know what?

[284] He's internalized?

[285] There's no way I'm keeping up with you.

[286] There's no way I'm keeping up with you.

[287] And so he's shut down.

[288] And so I wrote back to the couple and I'm like, he feels like you can't live up to your expectations.

[289] Why would he even try?

[290] And the sad part is, I took a, this is not a martyr thing on my part, but I took a lot of time to answer them.

[291] And guess what I hear back?

[292] Freaking nothing.

[293] Because they didn't get the answer they wanted.

[294] And the answer they wanted was, show us how to motivate our kid so that he can become high achieving like us.

[295] And I can do that, but that's not the first part.

[296] You can't skip all the other stuff, right?

[297] It's like doing a recipe and you skip like the first eight steps and the first eight ingredients.

[298] You're like, make it taste good.

[299] Like, I can't make it taste good.

[300] You've got to go back and you've got to do the, you've got to file the recipe a little bit, right?

[301] With this couple, I'm like, the kid hasn't seen his dad in three years, right?

[302] I know you need dinner together every night.

[303] I get that.

[304] But you can't just do that and go through all this stuff and not deal with the core issues and not deal with the fact.

[305] Let me turn that off.

[306] Sorry about that.

[307] So I don't want to lose my place here.

[308] Hold on just a second.

[309] So I don't want you to miss the fact that this is how the kids feel.

[310] and this is what's going on in their brains and there's no guilt there's no blame but you have to deal with that right and that's i i encourage you if you have the tweens or teens look on the website it's called no BS there's no BS program and here's why i did it because you've got these kids who have felt like this for so long and and you as a parent are like we don't know what to do we're at our wits end and like there's a stalemate and like and so the kids being defiant i get that it's wrong and i want to fix that but you're going to have to go through the steps and i put together 25 action steps i know you get tired of telling me about our products but i don't do i don't do um ads on our thing we have all these sponsors i want to sponsor i don't want to sponsor i don't want to sponsor i don't want to sell your i don't want to do anything unless i believe in it so what we finally came to is the thing that i really believe in is the stuff that we've created because i've seen the change families.

[311] So guess what?

[312] The ad instead of bother you with minutes of things that people are paying me to say, I'd rather tell you about stuff that I know that works.

[313] And so I go through the No BS program and this couple who's a really good couple, they're going to have to go through that and rebuild the relationship first.

[314] You can't just start and say like, well, give me three tips to motivate my son.

[315] Well, I can't if it's all been broken before and you're going to have to apologize.

[316] You've got to release them from the expectations.

[317] by the way i was walking this morning i had this thought of um you know releasing from expectations is a core part of that so that they can be the person they're supposed to be it is incredibly powerful i know what it was it was a couple nice couple and um remarried there's a stepdad and um one of the four kids doesn't like the new um the new dad and i was like that's pretty good batting average if uh all four don't hate you that's pretty good right like i was like so you're have to release that child and say, I'm okay with the fact that you don't like me. And I know it's weird having another dad come into your home.

[318] So I release you.

[319] Look, that's almost me. I don't know what's, it's almost making me cry too.

[320] Because what do you think that does for the kid?

[321] Right?

[322] It's not fair.

[323] What we do to our kids.

[324] It's like, hey, we're going to disrupt your whole life and we're going to get divorced and then we're going to get remarried and we're going to bring in this new guy and you got to like them.

[325] Why?

[326] They don't have to like the new guy.

[327] Why should they?

[328] They're at a fault mode should be to not like the new guy.

[329] You're not my dad, right?

[330] And this couple's a really good couple.

[331] They've done things really well.

[332] But there's one kid.

[333] And can you imagine what would happen if you release that child to say, I release you.

[334] You don't have to like me. If I were you, I probably wouldn't like me either.

[335] And you probably feel, look, you don't have to say this part, but they probably feel like they're being mean to their dad or being disloyal to their dad to like the new guy.

[336] And so sometimes when you release the child and you give them some ownership, they can come to it on their own rather than us pushing it on them.

[337] And that's a big part of what the no BS thing is, is going through and rebuilding because then you can rebuild the internal motivation, right?

[338] so I had notes here and I can't read them partially because my eyes are watery and partially because they're a lot of swear words because when I feel really passionate I write with with cuss words because there's something to the intensity and I only share that not as an excuse of like oh you just like to swear no there's an intensity and I want you to hear it in your kids because your kids are very much like this so what I'd written in all caps was why the why the heck are you trying to shoehorn your child to fit into someone else's expectations rather than enjoying and capitalizing on the way he has made?

[339] You know what?

[340] And I put, um, everybody else.

[341] This is your child.

[342] Stop apologizing for your child being different.

[343] Do you want a child who's different?

[344] So let me say it again.

[345] Why are you trying to shoehorn your child to fit into everybody else's, the school's expectations, your expectations, friends, your parents, the grandparents, rather than capitalizing on the way they're made.

[346] This is your child.

[347] It's like what we get into when we're preparing kids to go out into the work world, look, it's much easier to change the job to fit your personality style and your gifts and talents than to change the human being to fit the job description.

[348] Right?

[349] Because that's what many of us, I guarantee if you're made like me, you went through the corporate world, and it was one bad job after another until we finally realized, I need to find a job that fits me and the way that I'm made rather than me trying to change my very constitution and my personality to somehow to fit into this job.

[350] So you've got to start, stop apologizing for your child.

[351] So your child doesn't look at other adults when he talks.

[352] Who cares?

[353] You know what?

[354] Tell us.

[355] the other adults, why don't you be a freaking grown up, right?

[356] It's not disrespect.

[357] He's just different and maybe he's shy.

[358] You know what?

[359] I was voted shy as boy in my high school class.

[360] I was painfully shy as a child.

[361] Now if you meet me in person, because we are doing live events.

[362] Thank God, we're doing some live events coming up in October.

[363] Schools are like, come on in.

[364] And we'll wear a mask and we'll wash our hands and we'll do it really well.

[365] But we're doing live events.

[366] And when I meet you at that live event from six feet away, I will look you in the eyes and I'll give you great eye contact.

[367] But when I was a kid, could I do that?

[368] No. Was there anything wrong with me?

[369] No. I was just painfully shy.

[370] And you know what makes it worse?

[371] Honey, look at him.

[372] Look at him.

[373] Look at him.

[374] Look at him in the eyes.

[375] Because it's rude when you don't look in the eyes.

[376] And you know what I was thinking as a kid?

[377] And you know what your kids are thinking?

[378] I don't feel like I'm being rude.

[379] I just feel that I don't like attention on myself.

[380] Now look how weird it is.

[381] I grow up, and now I speak in front of large groups where everybody's eyes are on me. But if you put me in other situations, I hate, I hate to stand out.

[382] I wear hats everywhere.

[383] No fake mustache, but I hide a little bit.

[384] I don't like the attention, but when I'm control of the situation like me speaking, then it's different.

[385] But inside, your kids aren't thinking, oh, wow, I was really being rude.

[386] No, he's just being shy.

[387] So why don't we talk to the other adults and say, why don't you grow up?

[388] Why don't you learn how to accept people as they are?

[389] No, he's okay that he's hiding behind his mother's lake.

[390] He's just shy.

[391] Some people are like that.

[392] Some people stay like that.

[393] And that's okay too, because we need people like that to do all this kind of technology stuff, right?

[394] Because if everybody was gregarious and outgoing, they'd all be annoying salespeople.

[395] And we need annoying salespeople because they let us know what there is for sale.

[396] And they us find things that we didn't know that we even needed and we probably even didn't right but we need we need some of these loners who sit at a computer you know why because they changed the world with technology and some of these people are people's some of these peoples are researchers and you know what they do because they don't want to talk to everybody else they research all day long and those are the kinds of people who are going to probably come up with some kind of treatment or vaccine for COVID because precisely because they're odd, they will look in places that other people didn't.

[397] So because if you don't learn to accept them as they are, they can tell.

[398] And by the teen and tween years, they're going to shut down.

[399] So let's work on that.

[400] Third thing is this, how are you going to do school differently this year?

[401] Because that is your choice.

[402] It's not up to the school.

[403] It's not up to the school district.

[404] It's not up to the teachers or experts or anyone else.

[405] It's up to you.

[406] And maybe this is the year you actually teach and train your child according to his strengths, according to your daughter's natural gifts, talents, and passions where you capitalize on their advantages and you follow their curiosity.

[407] Instead of trying to literally change who your child is as a person and how his brain works to somehow please and fix and make other people comfortable because that's what we do we fall into that trap no blame no guilt but don't keep doing it let's make see i think this school year and that's why we're doing that school back to school boot camp thing is because i think it's a huge opportunity is it going to be a challenge absolutely schools here our local schools are starting today and guess what they have planned absolutely nothing none of the parents even know what's going on the kids don't know we're working from home or we're going to get an email from someone else is going to work they don't know it's a challenge but here's the huge opportunity you get to take back control because now you get to be in charge of your child's education that's what we've wanted all along and we get to use that great brain and show that child how to use his brain right why do we keep changing our kids to fit the system instead of changing the false expectations, right?

[408] Because most of those standards we have in our society and our schools, they're arbitrary.

[409] They're just arbitrary.

[410] Who said that you need to sit still at a table all day long and listen to someone talk and memorize it for a time test?

[411] That's arbitrary.

[412] That's not learning.

[413] It's arbitrary.

[414] So maybe this is a year you get to show your child how, forgive me for the word, but I want to use this.

[415] Maybe this is a school year you get to show your child how freaking brilliant and smart and curious he's been all along.

[416] Instead of him feeling stupid and dumb, like a bad kid who can't do anything right, because that's not who he is.

[417] That's who the system, whose society says he is, and you can't allow that anymore.

[418] So, um, the system and everybody else.

[419] Seriously, it's your child you're talking about.

[420] It's time we stop sacrificing our kids who are different on the altar of social acceptance and just trying to fit in to please everybody else.

[421] And one more thing I'm going to hit you with.

[422] You lecture your kids, so do I, about not following the crowd, not giving into peer pressure.

[423] And then what do we discover that you and I have been doing the same exact thing we lecture our kids about?

[424] We gave into peer pressure because we were embarrassed by our kids or we wanted everyone to like them and accept them.

[425] And it's time to stop that.

[426] Let's do it differently the school year.

[427] If we can help you with this, we want to, because we know what to do, and we will help you with it.

[428] So you reach out, please, to, that sounds a little bit demanding, didn't it?

[429] You reach out.

[430] So I want you to reach out.

[431] I encourage you.

[432] I ask you.

[433] I'm not going to plead with you.

[434] You're a grown person.

[435] But if you want help, reach out to us.

[436] Casey, C -A -S -C -A -S -C -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[437] He will help you with the Calm Parenting Package.

[438] He'll help you with the No -B -S program, maybe all together.

[439] The school boot camp.

[440] Look that up because it's really cool because there's a mentoring fee.

[441] which I will mentor you all through the coming school year as situations come up.

[442] I will answer you personally.

[443] You'll get a private email address so it's confidential.

[444] It's really, really, really, really cool.

[445] And we will help you.

[446] I want this school year to be the time we change things and to use this as an opportunity and look back and say, COVID was really weird and odd and hard.

[447] But it marked the time we changed our relationship with this child.

[448] And he started feeling confident.

[449] And he started feeling like the really brilliant, curious kid he is.

[450] and where we started to enjoy them, because that's what we want.

[451] Let's go on the offensive.

[452] If we can help you, contact us.

[453] Casey is a lot more calm than I am at times, and he will help you.

[454] K -C -C -A -S -C -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[455] Phone number is 888 -506, 1871.

[456] Let us know how we can help.

[457] It's what we exist for.

[458] It's our passion.

[459] Thank you all for hanging in there through the tears and through the other stuff of my emotion.

[460] I hope you find it helpful.

[461] And just let us know how we can help you.

[462] Okay.

[463] Love you all.

[464] Bye -bye.