Jim Gaffigan

[0] My name is Jim Gaffigan, and I feel like Nicky Glazer feels about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] I don't remember how Nikki Glazer felt.

[2] Oh, yeah, you do.

[3] You dirty, man. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends Tell that we are going to be friends Hey there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend podcast that has swept the nation Much like Beatlemania did in 1963 in England And then 64 in America It's really You know That was such a great lie That it actually made it impossible for me to speak now Yeah, you really shorted it out.

[4] I short it out.

[5] Yeah.

[6] I short it out.

[7] Because my own brain rebelled against what I was saying.

[8] But the podcast has been quite successful.

[9] We'll say that.

[10] Okay.

[11] Yeah.

[12] What do you mean?

[13] No, it's cool.

[14] I get a lot of people who recognize my voice.

[15] I got a free sangria the other day at a bar because someone really liked the podcast.

[16] That's great, because you need more alcohol in your life.

[17] Are you going to introduce me?

[18] I think people know because your voice is so recognizable.

[19] Why would I have to introduce you?

[20] I mean, you just said that your voice is like Siri.

[21] Wherever you go, people know it's you.

[22] Is that what I said?

[23] Like Siri?

[24] The Apple application that's at every single iPhone.

[25] Paint the picture for a Sonam obsession, my assistant.

[26] You'll be somewhere and you'll be using your voice and people will say, hey, I know that voice.

[27] You're on the Conan O 'Brien podcast?

[28] Yeah, but I've also been on the show so they could just have just recognized me. So most people say, hey, I like the podcast as opposed to, hey, I like those.

[29] segments you do.

[30] Is that going to hurt your feelings?

[31] No, no, no. I'm not the kind of person that hears that a compliment and then picks out the little negative thing.

[32] Okay.

[33] I don't do that.

[34] So people say, oh, I like the podcast and then they don't mention the things you do on the show.

[35] They do too.

[36] They like everything and anything you've ever done in your career.

[37] And anything I'm associated with has been elevated because of your just sheer presence next to me. Very good.

[38] And you've made my life so much better.

[39] Very good.

[40] Because you know what?

[41] This is a true phenomenon.

[42] People will come up and say something really sweet to me and then I'll think, stop now, just stop now.

[43] But they keep talking and then they'll get to, I mean, in 94 I fucking hated your face because you were so fucking fute of fat face.

[44] But I really love you.

[45] And you're like, oh my God, you were so eloquent up top about how you enjoyed my work.

[46] And I can see them struggling.

[47] And then they go, hey, I remember.

[48] And I go, you know, I should really go.

[49] Your fucking face!

[50] I hated your fucking face in 94!

[51] This person was eloquent?

[52] They were earlier, and then suddenly they lose their eloquence.

[53] When they come up to me, they're like, excuse me, Conan, if you have a moment, and I do hope you do, I just find your combination of intelligence and self -deprecating wit to be, well, it's so illuminating and refreshing in our modern times, and, you know, your extensive knowledge, both of the antebellum south, And of course, the post -World War two -generation, well, quite a span of historical.

[54] And then I go like, well, thank you very much.

[55] Oh, yeah, one more thing.

[56] That's okay.

[57] I got to go.

[58] I got to get to the hospital.

[59] I'm late from an operator.

[60] No, hold on.

[61] And they grabbed my arm.

[62] Your fucking face.

[63] I hate your fucking face in 94.

[64] That happens so often.

[65] They lose all.

[66] I'm mad, I didn't introduce you properly.

[67] I know you're probably.

[68] sensitive about that.

[69] Matt Gourley producer of the show.

[70] I got recognized the other day too, but it was from a doctor and I was at a very...

[71] Well, let's call him a specialist.

[72] Everything's fine, but it was considered very invasive and it's weird to have someone know you from something.

[73] Wait, we'll tell the story.

[74] Well, just...

[75] Don't be a bit.

[76] Don't get right to it.

[77] What happened?

[78] Wait, Conan.

[79] Yeah.

[80] No, she can't ask.

[81] No, that's all I need to say.

[82] Yeah.

[83] Just stop pressing him.

[84] Wait a minute.

[85] He brought it up.

[86] I know, but...

[87] He brought it up.

[88] And this is an honest no, it's not.

[89] It's not.

[90] It's the This is a not safe environment.

[91] It's unsafe.

[92] Wait, so what you're going to tell us is that you were in a doctor for a procedure.

[93] Yes.

[94] And you were in a vulnerable.

[95] Well, just a general checkup.

[96] General checkup.

[97] A little more safe.

[98] And the doctor, while he was doing something.

[99] Right before.

[100] And then basically like, hey, I know you from the show.

[101] He really enjoys it.

[102] And now let's get physical.

[103] Great doctor.

[104] Great guy.

[105] But why did he kiss you?

[106] Well, I mean, I'm just kissable, I guess.

[107] That's nice.

[108] So I'm glad that you got some.

[109] You get recognized occasionally.

[110] Sometimes.

[111] That's good.

[112] Good for you.

[113] I mean, the image you've projected of me is usually not what they expect, I think.

[114] Do you think I've projected an inaccurate image?

[115] I know you have.

[116] I have not.

[117] Yeah, I have.

[118] You know, a tweed suit wearing a t -shirt on.

[119] What's that?

[120] That's the only tweed t -shirt I've seen in my life.

[121] And it says, I voted for Dewey on it.

[122] Dewey?

[123] Yeah.

[124] I do have people come up to me and say, you get bullied by him a lot and is he trying to turn you into another Jordan Slansky that's what they say to me I would never do that to you first of all you know that Jordan is not a real person you are a real I know there's a real person in there I do and I respect you and I admire you one of those anyway yes that's bad that's more than I expected yeah and no you do a great job and you know I don't know what we talk about now no I don't either I don't know where to go from there introduce who the guest is today You think I should do that?

[125] Yeah, I think you should.

[126] It's a good guest.

[127] Yeah.

[128] So you just don't want to tell anybody who it is?

[129] All I'll say is that this man is whiter than me. And I didn't think that was possible.

[130] That's saying something.

[131] I think he may be dying.

[132] Where you're ultraviolet, he's like black light.

[133] Exactly.

[134] Yeah, I guess that's the same thing.

[135] No, I love this man. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who's been coming on my show for over two decades.

[136] He created the animated series Pale Forest and started in the autobiographical TV TV land series, The Jim Gaffigan Show.

[137] If you haven't guessed who it is yet, then you're a complete idiot.

[138] His latest special quality time is available on Amazon Prime Video, and you can also see him in the new movie Troop Zero.

[139] I'm thrilled.

[140] He's here with us today.

[141] Jim Gaffigan.

[142] Friendship seems so weird.

[143] I think it's weird when adults are like, that's my best friend.

[144] You're like, come on, man. Aren't you 50?

[145] No, that's my best friend.

[146] We eat lunch together.

[147] That's how people talk to.

[148] First of all, not everyone talks like that.

[149] Yeah, every single person.

[150] So you live with Cromagnan Man. That's right.

[151] I know everybody.

[152] It is a strange thing, people saying, are you my friend?

[153] Aren't we friends?

[154] Because we are at a certain part of our life where we're rocketing towards the grave.

[155] I like to say rocketing towards the open maw.

[156] I'm skateboarding.

[157] You're skateboarding to the...

[158] Check this out.

[159] Have you discussed how the term friendship is rather absurd in the entertainment industry?

[160] Well, let's get into it.

[161] Yeah.

[162] I am just so clueless.

[163] I don't understand that you develop relationships with people.

[164] This is my first time wearing headphones.

[165] I can tell.

[166] Let's boil it down to this.

[167] You don't know how to establish friendships because you're empty in some.

[168] I think it's some of that.

[169] Well, by the way, let's drift away from even the friendship thing.

[170] Can you believe any compliment you get in the entertainment industry?

[171] Can you?

[172] If it's positive, yes.

[173] If it's overwhelmingly positive, then I immediately think that has a grain of truth.

[174] If it's in any way negative, I think they're just jealous.

[175] And this is shot in front.

[176] No, but like, don't you, I feel as though there's a lot of people that are like, I'm a huge fan of yours.

[177] These are imaginary people.

[178] But, like, no, if someone says, I'm a huge fan of yours, my initial instinct is, no, you're not.

[179] I don't, like, I feel like Rob, Rob Lowe has fans.

[180] You know what I mean?

[181] Like, I think comedians have like -minded people.

[182] And that's why I'm running for president.

[183] Because I have these principles, and I believe a woman can be a president.

[184] You know what?

[185] Very controversial stance, especially on this show.

[186] I'm just going to go out on a lady.

[187] Sam, I'm for that.

[188] You're going to get a lot of anger.

[189] Anger, Anger, Mel, about that.

[190] I think that, yeah, you look at a Rob Lowe, and you think he won a genetic lottery.

[191] Yes.

[192] He doesn't look like the rest of us.

[193] So there's a reason that he is a celebrity, and I can see people being fans of this man who is the result of a divine birth, clearly, because his face is so perfect.

[194] And when you kiss him, it tastes like strawberries.

[195] Well, I've not been as fortunate as you.

[196] I've tried.

[197] I've tried to do a little peck on the cheek, and that's sort of like a vanilla.

[198] That's like a vanilla flavor.

[199] But the lips is strawberries?

[200] You know, it's just like Rob Lowe and kind of like, there's certain people that don't age at all.

[201] Like, you know, Rob Lowe is 73 years old?

[202] Do you know that he fought in the Korean War?

[203] He did.

[204] He fought valiantly in the Korean War and was grievously injured.

[205] He's 73 is what they list on his site.

[206] He could be as much as 80 years old.

[207] And in the movie, it's a one.

[208] Wonderful Life, he played Zuzu of Zuzu's pedals.

[209] Zuzu's pedals.

[210] Well, that's right.

[211] Let's do our dueling.

[212] Mr. Gower, it's me, it's George Bailey.

[213] Hey, Mr. Walsh, he'll come in anymore.

[214] What the hell was that?

[215] That was a Mr. Martini.

[216] Yeah, but no one does martini.

[217] Yeah, Mr. Walsh.

[218] You don't do Martini.

[219] Everyone does Jimmy Stewart from that movie.

[220] Hey, check it out.

[221] I'm giving it.

[222] And that's another thing.

[223] Where do you get off calling me, Nick?

[224] You do all the impressions from that movie that nobody does.

[225] I'll have a flaming rum punch.

[226] That tree is scarred.

[227] Wait, who's that?

[228] He runs into the tree.

[229] No one does that guy.

[230] Well, that's the oldest tree in Paddersville.

[231] You know what I've always wanted to do?

[232] I always wanted to do, I talked to Dane about this because he does a brilliant, Dana Carvey.

[233] He does a brilliant Jimmy Stewart, the best one.

[234] But I just always thought it'd be really funny if when they confront George Bailey at the savings and loan and he's like, no, you got it all wrong.

[235] Your money's not here.

[236] No, no, you know, and he tells them your money's in this prison's house.

[237] But if instead he had been, he just said, no, your money's not here.

[238] No, no, no. I spent that money on cocaine.

[239] I went to Encinada and I had four whores.

[240] That money's gone.

[241] What was his relationship with Violet Blades?

[242] Like, there was something going on.

[243] Something was going on.

[244] Right?

[245] Yeah.

[246] You know, like she had to earn her keep.

[247] Well, he was the.

[248] Pimp.

[249] That wasn't even our name, Violet.

[250] He was like, hey, you know what?

[251] We're going to call you Violet from now on.

[252] You know what I mean?

[253] That's Jimmy Stewart?

[254] In the real life, that's how we talk.

[255] This is in the real?

[256] It's a wonderful life.

[257] Why would you do that?

[258] Why would you do that?

[259] Where Zuzu's Petals?

[260] Zuzu's Petals.

[261] That's another thing.

[262] I'm Mr. Martine.

[263] All right, listen.

[264] I love.

[265] I've got some wine.

[266] Let's do a show.

[267] Yes.

[268] Let's do a whole separate podcast where we do impressions from famous movies, but the parts that no one cares about.

[269] Right this way, table four.

[270] Wait, what's that?

[271] When they're showing Peter Lorry his table in Casablanca.

[272] What?

[273] There's a guy who says, this way, table four.

[274] Right.

[275] And everyone's like, I didn't know that.

[276] Because everyone else knows like, play it again, sham.

[277] You know, whatever, you know?

[278] So you love work, Komen.

[279] You love to work.

[280] You love to create.

[281] That's your fulfilling thing.

[282] I can't help but create.

[283] Right.

[284] You're a creative machine.

[285] Well, I wouldn't say a machine, I'd say organism, a Picasso, a Moliere.

[286] There's certain people that just create because they have to.

[287] Right, right.

[288] I make that noise when I'm becoming incredibly pretentious.

[289] That's, how can I explain this to dumb people, this?

[290] Yes.

[291] I am what you call a god among men.

[292] What the proletariat refer to?

[293] I don't know where that you would want to use, corn carb eating cretan.

[294] What are your, what's something you want to do that a lot of people don't know, Conan?

[295] Oh, wow, I love this.

[296] When you lower your tone, I feel like I must obey you.

[297] I just want to just hear what is on the inside.

[298] Yeah, this is very right now, what's going on.

[299] Yeah, I see.

[300] You're getting to.

[301] the real stuff of it now, aren't you?

[302] What's going on inside?

[303] Who's the new Barbara Walters?

[304] I don't know.

[305] Is there one?

[306] There's too much.

[307] It used to be one person interviewed everybody and it was Barbara.

[308] Remember those?

[309] Then it was Oprah.

[310] Right?

[311] Yeah, there was, when we were kids, Barbara Walters, Johnny Carson never did an interview and then Barbara Walters said, you know, if you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

[312] And people would start crying.

[313] Yeah, and people would cry immediately.

[314] But we don't, I don't think we have that anymore.

[315] I don't know.

[316] I guess maybe what you're implying is it, well, I am.

[317] Yes, I think you could do that.

[318] I could do that.

[319] That's very interesting.

[320] I'll ask you a question.

[321] You are, I've been familiar with your work for a very long time.

[322] You've appeared on my show thousands of times.

[323] Yes.

[324] Of four of them, quite good.

[325] I will say this, you're money in the bank.

[326] You're always hilariously funny.

[327] You are more prolific, I think, than any stand -up comedian I know.

[328] Every time, you used to come on our show quite often, and you would always have completely new material.

[329] And I thought, I don't think there's anyone like Jim Gavigan and comes to just coming up with, well, it's true.

[330] Yeah, thank you.

[331] Well, I'm just trying to get my dad to like me. And maybe if I do that, maybe then he'll, he's dead.

[332] It's too late.

[333] No. No, they can still look down from heaven.

[334] They are.

[335] Or.

[336] Or.

[337] Yeah.

[338] Thank you.

[339] I appreciate that.

[340] Yeah, no, I feel like, I love, you know, that's why I asked you about creating.

[341] I feel, you know, there's, along this journey, it's like, it is the buzz of coming up with a comic idea or like, you know, you know, the moments like we just had out there talking with Andy and.

[342] Right.

[343] You just did the show.

[344] And that's, that's, that's, but you get that hit every night.

[345] It's what you kind of enjoy.

[346] Like, you know, the Conan Without Borders.

[347] There's something, I'm sure the wear and tear is not ideal.

[348] I'm sure that there's no monetary incentive.

[349] It's a strange kind of buzz that you get from doing that and fulfilling a certain intellectual curiosity.

[350] Yeah, yeah.

[351] And you can go there and you can have sex with strangers.

[352] But others than that...

[353] Or try to.

[354] Try to.

[355] Dead strangers, by the way, of course.

[356] When you're turned down by a dead stranger, it's a new love.

[357] I almost got there.

[358] that dead person.

[359] But then they weren't interested.

[360] No, we do those travel shows.

[361] I absolutely love them.

[362] And there's no, you know, you could say like, what's the rational?

[363] There's not a game plan.

[364] There's not like, so going on, what are you doing there?

[365] I see what you're doing.

[366] You do enough of the corner without borders and then you pivot over to this.

[367] You're like, no, there's nothing.

[368] There's really nothing.

[369] This is just.

[370] Yeah, people don't realize this.

[371] Yeah, people don't realize how half -assed our careers are.

[372] Or that there's some plans.

[373] So, like, I've, you know, been lucky enough to appear in some movies.

[374] People are like, so you done with stand -up?

[375] I'm like, no, that's, it's not some grand plan.

[376] Like, I'm just going to do stand -up for 30 years, get a certain level of skill, and then I'm tossing it away when I get some acting rolls.

[377] Like, why would someone even pursue that?

[378] You know what?

[379] I think some people do that, and those are people, and I will not name names, but people that aren't, I don't think they.

[380] Bob Hope.

[381] Let's tear him a new one.

[382] No, I think there are people who they get into stand -up, but it's not the dream.

[383] They're in stand -up, and then that gets them into movies, and then the minute they're in the world of movies, they're not interested in doing stand -up again, because stand -up is really hard.

[384] You are different in that you thrive on stand -up.

[385] You're doing stand -up all the time.

[386] It's who you are.

[387] You'll be doing it.

[388] You know, when you've got a year left to live, in three years, you'll be doing it, you know.

[389] and I'm just putting it out there that you don't have long.

[390] No, I don't.

[391] I don't have long.

[392] But I do think that that's something that you gravitate, you want to do that.

[393] And it is not about, once I get into movies, you'll never see me in a club again.

[394] Because I do think that there are a lot of people who fit that bill.

[395] Yeah, I guess there are.

[396] But I think there's a surprising amount of comedians that kind of have to do it.

[397] Yeah.

[398] Like, I think, you know, even when in between NBC and TBS, it's like you, you know, I wasn't in communication with you, but you had this itch that had to be, you know, some of it was, some of that was syphilis.

[399] But like you had, no, but you had an itch where you were, you know, there's the performing, there's the writing, you know, there is the, probably very similar to a drug.

[400] Like in 20 years, they're going to be like, these addicts in the entertainment industry, addicts.

[401] of approval, and they should all go into recovery.

[402] Well, first of all, what you're bringing up is a, I think, very true, because if I'm on, we just finished a two -and -a -half -week break, and at the end of the two -and -a -half weeks, I was at the kitchen table, and my wife said something very sane and normal, and I don't even know what I said, but I was like, yeah, well, yeah, cut that in half, and you get twice with, and she said, go back to work.

[403] Yeah.

[404] And she was not, she just wasn't interested in that.

[405] guy, that guy needs to live Warner Brothers, and needs to be surrounded by people who are paid to tolerate it.

[406] But she doesn't want me there.

[407] I've talked to Jerry Seinfeld about this.

[408] Name drop.

[409] No, but Jerry is like, he's worth more than Bill Gates at this point.

[410] And he's still like, what about this line?

[411] Should I do this line?

[412] Should I do this?

[413] All right, if you had to choose between, would you rather be on the mass singer or do the lip sync contest show where you like the highly produced lip sync show or give Trump a bath what would you I'm going to go with mass singer mass singer I would do mass singer I would have an elaborate mask but I would only do really old songs from like the 30s.

[414] And so I'd come out and I'd be wearing this exotic...

[415] How do we even know they're singing?

[416] They're wearing a mask.

[417] I know, but I'm going to sing it, and I'm going to have this like insane exotic mask.

[418] And I'm going to go, button up your overcoat when the wind blows free.

[419] Take good care of yourself.

[420] You belong to me. Odie, oh, de you.

[421] Eat an apple every day by who being bad by three.

[422] And then the judges will be like, I think that's Taylor Swift.

[423] but there is by the way I haven't seen the mass singer I probably I've never seen it I've never seen it I'd probably fall in love with it I haven't seen lip sync who does lip sync I don't know I just see the clips or like you're not going to believe this celebrity It's LO Cool J and Chrissy Tegan Oh yeah right right of course I've watched all of them Yes oh It's not as good as Air Guitar Battle But who hosts that Dame Judy Dentch Let's take a break break.

[424] More with Jim Gaffigan after these messages.

[425] And we're back.

[426] How'd you enjoy the break?

[427] I am back here with Jim Gaffigan, who has blah, blah, blah, blah.

[428] Now what about, now what is your attitude about doing?

[429] I like how you ask questions.

[430] That's good.

[431] No one else has done that.

[432] Well, I'm your friend.

[433] So about doing press.

[434] How do you, like, do you, do you have a publicist?

[435] Do you have, the show has a We, yeah, the show.

[436] I mean, I do.

[437] I have a publicist there in New York.

[438] But it's not, I've been around so long.

[439] It's not like I constantly need to be drumming up, you know, let's get some hot more ink on this Conan O 'Brien guy.

[440] So I would say that, but every now and then when we're doing something, yeah, you need to, you need a publicist.

[441] Isn't it amazing as you go along your career in the entertainment industry, things that seem so impressive and alluring, once you get there, you look behind the curtain, and it is Wizard of Oz, and you're like, oh, really?

[442] I thought this would be cool, but it's not.

[443] Do you feel that way?

[444] I was backstage in an award show, and the big thing they were trying to do was reunite the three Charlie's Angels.

[445] I think it was the three original Charlie's Angels.

[446] This is when Farrah Fawcett was still alive.

[447] and so it was like Farah Fawcett and...

[448] Jacqueline Smith and...

[449] Kate, someone.

[450] Kate McKinnon.

[451] And Kate McKinnon.

[452] That's right.

[453] Time traveling, Kate McKinnan.

[454] Kate Jackson.

[455] Kate Jackson.

[456] And so they were trying to get them going and there was some kind of rift and it wasn't clear that...

[457] I think it was like, well, Jacqueline Smith isn't going to go out on stage with them or something like that.

[458] But I know that there were three angels backstage.

[459] but one of them wasn't going to go out.

[460] And it wasn't clear she was going to go out.

[461] And it was a big show.

[462] It was like the Emmys or something.

[463] And there was a lot of hubbub backstage and tension.

[464] Well, what's going to happen?

[465] What's going to happen?

[466] And all of a sudden, and I'm backstage.

[467] And there's a guy there with a walkie -talkie.

[468] And he just goes like, we don't know.

[469] We don't know.

[470] We just got.

[471] We don't know.

[472] Yeah.

[473] She's not coming.

[474] She's not coming.

[475] And then he said, he saw Jacqueline Smith walking towards the area where they were all going to be together.

[476] And he said, I got a third.

[477] angel walking, third angel walking.

[478] And then I heard that repeated on all the microphones.

[479] Third angel walking, don't angel walking.

[480] And then you look at TV and just this gold curtain separates.

[481] The three angels come out, all arms around each other, all love, all, yay.

[482] And everyone went, yay, it's the three angels.

[483] And I was thinking this almost didn't happen for no reason.

[484] And then it did.

[485] This is not an accurate portrayal of the business.

[486] You know what I think is really interesting is I presented at the country the CMAs.

[487] Yeah, country music awards.

[488] And I'm not that knowledgeable about country music, but the sense of community in country music, I'm sure there's politics and hierarchy and stuff like that.

[489] But like everyone was there.

[490] Their opening number had like Dolly Parton, the inventor of the guitar.

[491] They had like everyone.

[492] Yeah, William H. Guitar.

[493] You know, Reba McIntyre.

[494] There was no drama.

[495] There was, you know, like Casey Musk Graves or whatever.

[496] It was all kind of like, no one was like, I'm the Queen Bee.

[497] It was all, everyone was there.

[498] There was a certain respect and a peer respect that shared that I thought was really fascinating.

[499] And then I made fun of it.

[500] No, but then I was really impressed.

[501] But, you know, I think country music is famous for they.

[502] There's like this humility.

[503] They take their humility seriously.

[504] And if you think about modern pop music, it's almost about not being humble.

[505] It is so, like, I remember when the bragging really started occurring, I was like, well, this is not sustainable.

[506] Like, people bragging, like, I'm the king of everything.

[507] Like, I'm like, this is going to backfire, right?

[508] And it is, it's a way in by saying I'm the best, I'm this, I'm that.

[509] And it's consistent.

[510] It works within the American.

[511] Here's how things have changed.

[512] Did you ever watch the show My Super Sweet 16?

[513] No. I know it hasn't been on for like 10 years, right?

[514] But it was a show where there was a reality show they would follow this 16 -year -old girl who was always very wealthy, who was having her super sweet 16.

[515] And it would, I remember one episode started with she had a night in shining armor ride to her high school and hand out invitations to some people.

[516] but not other people, you know?

[517] And people who got the invitations were crying and cheering, and people who didn't get the invitations were inconsolable.

[518] And I was watching this, and I was thinking, if this had happened at my high school in 1980 or 1979, if I had had a knight in shining armor ride to the school to dispense invitations to some people, people and not others, the night would be killed immediately.

[519] Well, you would be, you would be ridiculed.

[520] Then I would be ridicured.

[521] And you'd be ridiculed.

[522] Yes, and I'd be ridiculed, and I would be an outcast, and there'd be a dead night in the center of the Brookline High School courtyard.

[523] You just didn't do that shit.

[524] And this was, this whole, the culture flipped, where it's, yay, I got invited.

[525] And then at the end of the show, it always ended the same way.

[526] The girl has, like, a giant party.

[527] she has someone DJ or rapping at their party.

[528] But then it always was a white brand new Land Rover or BMW SUV or Mercedes SUV with a giant red ribbon on it would be presented to her and all of her friends were cheering as if it happened to them.

[529] And I was like, I would be, I would be shred.

[530] They would release wolves and I would be shredded and then the car, they would take pipes to the car.

[531] They would just destroy the car and smash.

[532] it, and then in thick Boston accents.

[533] They say, was your fucking car now there?

[534] Would you car now there, pal?

[535] But where did, you know...

[536] I don't know what happened.

[537] Something switched.

[538] You know, here's what I think it is.

[539] Here's them.

[540] I believe that the big cultural shift was when dynasty got on air.

[541] I'm serious.

[542] I've always said it was dynasty.

[543] Materialism was rewarded.

[544] Even prior to that, dynasty is the root cause of all economic disparity in this country.

[545] Prior to then, you could be a CEO, but you wouldn't have, like, you'd be like making 200 and the average worker would be making 30.

[546] Dynasty started.

[547] Now CEOs get packages of $300 million.

[548] It's all tied back to Dynasty.

[549] Yes.

[550] And you know I want to tell you something else that you bring up when you bring up Dynasty.

[551] And this is something that used to be ubiquitous on TV.

[552] I grew up watching this on TV and I'm mad that it hasn't happened to me in real life.

[553] I'm going to come home tonight.

[554] And I'm going to walk through my front door and I'm going to say hello to my wife and I'll try to get my kids attention.

[555] They'll be, you know, not ignoring me. But what I want is to walk in and say hello to my wife.

[556] And as I'm saying hi to her, I want to walk to the center of the room.

[557] And there's a crystal decanter there.

[558] And I take off the top and I pour an amber liquid.

[559] I don't even know what it is into a glass and I drink.

[560] And I realize that that's how I grew up seeing that all the time.

[561] on shows like Dynasty, on Dallas, every single show, every show of the 60s, every single show, people walked in, and I would just come in.

[562] And it's like, I would just come in and go like, hello, Jim, good to see you.

[563] And I would take the top off, pour an amber liquid, and start drinking alcohol.

[564] It didn't matter what time of day it was.

[565] Yes.

[566] I want that.

[567] That was a bad meeting.

[568] I needed drink.

[569] Yes, but I don't have that.

[570] I don't have that.

[571] And I've always wanted that.

[572] I don't know why I want it.

[573] But I've always wanted there to be an amber liquid.

[574] Obviously, I don't drink scotch and whiskey.

[575] Now, do you drink occasionally?

[576] I drink.

[577] I drink, but I'm not a spirit drinker.

[578] But I want to have...

[579] I mean, you're all about the edibles.

[580] I know that.

[581] You got the wrong guy.

[582] She's right over there, by the way.

[583] How often do you...

[584] Okay.

[585] Would you say, like...

[586] I don't.

[587] I never do drugs.

[588] In college, did you ever get drunk?

[589] You must have been drunk before.

[590] I didn't drink at all until I was 26.

[591] Really?

[592] And I worked on the Harvard Lampoon, which is basically an organization founded by and for alcoholics.

[593] I mean, everybody was a hardcore.

[594] And by the way, I mean, you're obviously much older and you look much older than me. But I, my college years, there was, it was all about overconsumption of alcohol.

[595] But that's true.

[596] That's still true, I think, for a lot of causes.

[597] I never drank.

[598] I don't think.

[599] it is.

[600] No, you don't think so?

[601] I don't think they drink anymore?

[602] Sonia.

[603] I think...

[604] Sonia, do you think they're still drinking a lot in college?

[605] I'm going to agree with Jim.

[606] I don't think that people drink the way they used to to the point of when they used to go on conscious.

[607] I think younger people are smarter.

[608] Yeah.

[609] I think they're getting high a lot more.

[610] You know what?

[611] There's also more, yes.

[612] There's more options.

[613] You know, I think it used to be get drunk or don't get drunk, and now there's just so many other options.

[614] And it was also, I think it was, like, getting blackout drunk, maybe this is me rationalizing, getting blackout drunk was not a source of embarrassment.

[615] It was like, uh -oh, oh, well.

[616] You know, and today people would be like, you should go to rehab.

[617] Do you know what I mean?

[618] I think, like, when I was in college, people were like, yeah, that was a good weekend.

[619] But I think now it's like, no, that's, you're dealing with issues.

[620] That kind of thing.

[621] Whenever you do an impression when someone telling the truth, their voice gets very quiet.

[622] I try not.

[623] You, I don't know.

[624] I can't speak to what the kids are up to on their college campuses with their raccoon coats and their studs bear cats and their Prohibition liquor playing those bongos.

[625] I don't know.

[626] But I'm surprised.

[627] Do you, I also don't smoke, but I wish I had a really cool cigarette case.

[628] a flat cigarette case and I wish that I could smoke but none of the smoke would go into my lungs I wish they made a sick Neither of your parents drank or smoked?

[629] No, I grew up in a completely dry home.

[630] Smoking?

[631] No, they didn't smoke either?

[632] No, my dad's a doctor, no smoking.

[633] Wow.

[634] No smoking, no drinking.

[635] No discussions of sex, no photos of sex.

[636] No nudity.

[637] Did anyone raise their voice?

[638] That would be, you could raise your voice if you were being funny but you couldn't say, hey, what the fuck?

[639] Well, was that all about you?

[640] You didn't confront anybody about anything.

[641] What you did was sort of look at them in a caustic way and then go and find other people and talk shit about that person.

[642] But you didn't confront people.

[643] You weren't honest about your emotions.

[644] And your grandparents?

[645] We don't know.

[646] No, my grandparents?

[647] No, they did not drink.

[648] My grandparents did drink.

[649] Well, you know what's interesting.

[650] You know, because I came from this culture that was so afraid of alcoholism for good reason that they just decided.

[651] eh let's just not have that well you know supposedly in ireland the percentage of people that consume alcohol is smallest in all of europe but the people that do drink drink a lot yeah there's only four people in ireland there's only four people that drink but they drink so much yeah that's uh i think it's true it's a genetic problem yeah no it's there and also i think there's a lot of mental illness in ireland and that's why you self -medicate yeah do you drink i drink a case I can't drink like I used to.

[652] I mean, I still drink through my mouth.

[653] It just comes out of me. I just can't help it.

[654] How does he do it?

[655] I don't know.

[656] I don't know how I do it.

[657] No, but I go through, you know, like I was saying on the show tonight, it's like, I'm a fat guy.

[658] And I wasn't, like, when I first started doing your show, I was not a fat guy.

[659] and so like there is like I feel like I you know I medicate with food and you know obviously you know some of it is why I'm gaining weight is I don't want to just be known as a piece of sexy ass you know what I mean right you don't want people coming on to you all the time right I don't need that do you know what I mean like oh my gosh can I just touch you you know stuff like that which I still get I mean they don't say it out loud you and I are in that rare club of men that are objectified by women and women feel comfortable putting their hands on us.

[660] Right.

[661] On our fronts and our backs.

[662] And our nerds.

[663] Yeah.

[664] And they they want, well Sonny, you've been around me when women are around and they just lose it.

[665] They just lose it.

[666] No. That does not happen.

[667] I'm so sorry.

[668] Was I supposed to play along?

[669] No. That does not happen.

[670] No. You're supposed to tell the truth.

[671] I mean, I have often, and this is the thing.

[672] Yeah.

[673] And a few people know what this is like.

[674] Jim knows.

[675] I know.

[676] Jim knows and I know.

[677] And so I can't explain it to you.

[678] But men want to be us.

[679] Women want to be with us.

[680] Right.

[681] Some men...

[682] Or some women so bad they want to be with me. They will look at me and they'll walk away.

[683] And sometimes they'll start jogging or sprinting.

[684] Right.

[685] I have that.

[686] I have that.

[687] That's the common reaction I get.

[688] I've had women like I was dating a woman who was so into me she was so into me she had to break up and start dating women she was so into me right do you know I mean I get it I get it this is what we that's just a charisma thing and I said hey can we just hang out and she was so nervous and flustered she started laughing and she started saying you're gross which obviously she didn't mean right and you know it was just like because I'm a feminine So I understood that, you know what it is.

[689] She didn't want to fly too close to the sun.

[690] She did.

[691] She did not want her wax wings to melt.

[692] So then you get, and this is what I get a lot too, is no. But before I got married and my attempts to hook up after I've been married.

[693] I've had women tell me, think about you, makes me dry.

[694] Yeah.

[695] Which when you think about it is such a come on.

[696] Well, it's great, particularly if you're like, if you just got out of the pool.

[697] Yeah.

[698] You know what I mean?

[699] And you want to be dry?

[700] Yeah.

[701] That's how they mean it, right?

[702] Aren't they usually saying that to you?

[703] But you know what's interesting?

[704] It's like we both are the self -deprecation is very important element, isn't it?

[705] It's an effective tool to communicate self -awareness, which I think people appreciate.

[706] And it's a great way to lie, particularly when you're as well end out.

[707] I'm talking about gut.

[708] Keep your head out of the gutter.

[709] I'm endowed with a huge gutter.

[710] But a lot of people don't know gut stands for good under tummy.

[711] Really?

[712] A lot of people don't know that.

[713] So when you say I've got a large gut, it means it's a large gut, a large area under your tummy.

[714] Like if you've seen, if you, I monitor a lot of female yoga classes.

[715] You know, just research, you know, because I'm big into Buddhism.

[716] And they let you, you just sit in?

[717] Well, not tech.

[718] I mean, I'm not videotaping.

[719] You know what I mean?

[720] I'm in like, you know, there's the mirror.

[721] Yes.

[722] Yeah.

[723] I'm on the other side of the mirror.

[724] Okay.

[725] And do the people that run the yoga place know that you're on the side of the mirror?

[726] Well, they rented the room.

[727] Do you know what I mean?

[728] And it's, they can't tell it's me. I'm in like a Batman costume.

[729] So it's like, I'm in the other room and just, you know, organizing my oils and liquids.

[730] Sure.

[731] Do you know what I mean?

[732] Yeah, yeah.

[733] No, I know exactly what you're telling you back.

[734] And you're filming them.

[735] I'm filming, but you know, do you see boyhood?

[736] It's kind of like boyhood.

[737] It's like, I want people.

[738] So like, if I videotape someone and then later on I meet them, Like, you know, we've known each other for a while.

[739] You know, I've done that before.

[740] Right.

[741] And they say, I don't think we've met.

[742] And then you say, no, I have hours of film.

[743] Has anyone ever gotten arrested for being on a podcast?

[744] They're trying.

[745] You know what?

[746] If this were being broadcast at this moment, they would be arrested, they would hear them coming up the stairs.

[747] They'd come and they'd guess.

[748] Have you ever endorsed a presidential candidate?

[749] I don't believe I have, no. And do you...

[750] I do it much later on.

[751] Like, I endorse Lincoln.

[752] Lincoln...

[753] Yeah, like years and years after it turned out to be a good idea.

[754] I think Truman was a good pick.

[755] He ended up being a good president.

[756] So, yes, I endorse him now.

[757] I endorse Lincoln now.

[758] But I don't do it.

[759] I don't think...

[760] First of all, I don't think anyone cares what my opinion is.

[761] Yeah, I can confirm...

[762] When it comes to...

[763] Okay, that's unnecessary.

[764] Would you ever...

[765] But, like, don't you think, like, Alfred, You could do it.

[766] You could be a senator, don't you think?

[767] Do you think what?

[768] Do I could, could be a senator?

[769] I think you could.

[770] Well, I guess as good a time as I need to find out.

[771] I just think they'd be, aren't they just going to look at hundreds of thousands of hours of me acting like a clown and say, this man can't hold office?

[772] Or does that not make any sense anymore?

[773] We passed that.

[774] I don't know.

[775] They might help you.

[776] Then I'm in.

[777] I think we did it.

[778] I'm very proud of us.

[779] Remember the McLaughlin group?

[780] What happened on that show?

[781] You know, where did that come from?

[782] I don't know.

[783] I was just thinking about it.

[784] This kind of feels like a McLaughlin group right now.

[785] What is that?

[786] I'm sorry.

[787] You're too old to know.

[788] It was a group that debated the news.

[789] It had a lot of diversity.

[790] There was old white guys, and then there were some other older white guys.

[791] There was a white woman.

[792] There was a white woman.

[793] But then there was one really old white guy.

[794] guy, but they were all kind of grumpy.

[795] That was what diversity was back in the day.

[796] That was.

[797] Yeah.

[798] Different kinds of ages of white was a diverse show back then.

[799] If you look at a Benetton ad from the 70s, it's all just white, different white people.

[800] It's white people with like makeup on.

[801] Yeah.

[802] So like I was surprised today when you were like, oh, no female director got nominated for an Academy Award.

[803] Oh, this is on the show.

[804] I have to specify.

[805] No, when we were talking before and you're like oh good no broad got nominated yeah that's how I talked that was strange you were like oh good no broad they should be back in the kitchen yeah what did you mean by that what I meant and you just I was smoking my cigar yeah and you told me that no broads got nominated I said no broads got nominated and I went no broads got nominated I this is a terrible slander what you're saying right now I um that's very far from my character and I think you know it, and I think you should apologize.

[806] I, you know what, I'll contemplate it.

[807] How about those people that can't apologize?

[808] You can apologize, right?

[809] Um, yes, that was this thing in shows, like with the guy, I, I, I apologize.

[810] Do you know what people?

[811] Like, I think the Fons couldn't say he was, I think he couldn't say, yeah, he couldn't say he couldn't say he was wrong, the Fonzs, right?

[812] Or I'm sorry, he couldn't, he couldn't do it.

[813] He was too cool.

[814] His office was the men's room.

[815] yes He obviously was selling blow jobs Wait A guy is selling blow jobs That's a fantastic What an option That's a small town business Right That's part of the American Express Small Business weekend You have five children I know can you believe that And you're one of six I'm one of six Because I'm one of six What number are you?

[816] I'm third I'm the youngest.

[817] And then my wife, at first I thought...

[818] From Seattle.

[819] From Seattle.

[820] I thought there was maybe...

[821] I just didn't know.

[822] We didn't talk about it.

[823] I just thought...

[824] And then after we had two, she said, you're never just touched me again.

[825] And...

[826] That's code for don't touch me again.

[827] That's double talk.

[828] That's double speech.

[829] Yeah, but so do you...

[830] Would you...

[831] Obviously, it's a negotiation and we're all frightened of women.

[832] But what, would you have wanted more children?

[833] I'm happy, I'm very, I love my kids, shocker.

[834] I love my children.

[835] We'll run that now answer the question, honestly.

[836] No, but like, what about your siblings?

[837] Did they, any of them have five or six kids?

[838] No, nobody did that.

[839] Well, nobody, because you're not supposed to, right?

[840] Well, but you did.

[841] I did, I did.

[842] Five.

[843] And these children are killing me. They're slowly.

[844] draining the life from me. It sounds like that.

[845] When I pass away, in like a week, by the way, in a week, I'm like, that they'll listen to this and know that it was their fault.

[846] I've always wanted to be found by, when I die, people say, do you want to be cremated or do you want to be, and I've always wanted to be put in a field and found.

[847] You know?

[848] Because I just thought that would be so dramatic.

[849] That'll be so funny.

[850] Like you die, and your one request is, like, you'd want to be, like, found in a field, like, so some innocent person jogging?

[851] Yes, that's so horrible.

[852] No, and I want, I ask Sona to take care of Sona.

[853] I've said two things.

[854] Don't let them bury me in L .A. Yeah, you have.

[855] And I also want to be dragged out into a field so that someone discovers me, and then detectives are standing over me. Oh, that's so funny.

[856] I've always wanted that.

[857] That's so funny.

[858] I want to be found because that's going to be a real.

[859] real shock to whoever finds me. And then I will live on through that person's shock.

[860] Well, the good thing is when you're as pale as us.

[861] You and I are very pale.

[862] We already kind of look.

[863] Like the dead look is going to be the same as what we look like right now.

[864] Most times.

[865] It's like, oh, my God, the blood.

[866] Oh, no, that's just Jim or something.

[867] Most times, yeah.

[868] Most times I have like a long nap.

[869] When I wake up, they're trying to embalm me. They're trying to embalm me and they're picking out.

[870] And I'm like, no, it was a nap.

[871] It was a nap.

[872] You and I, we joke about this a lot.

[873] We are shockingly white.

[874] Yeah.

[875] And it's just, you know.

[876] It's a curse.

[877] It is.

[878] There's no good, there's no good to being, like, we're not supposed to be on this planet.

[879] No, no. We're not, or in daylight.

[880] No, no. My dermatologist.

[881] What about your kids?

[882] Are your kids pale?

[883] They have, I don't know where else.

[884] Any redheads or no?

[885] No, no redheads, but my, they have.

[886] my wife's skin, which is a little darker, whoever she had sex with.

[887] How dare you?

[888] You laugh so hard.

[889] He laughed so hard.

[890] Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan just laid himself laugh so hard that his headphones flew off.

[891] It looked like he got shot in the head.

[892] It looked like this spruiter film.

[893] I was insane.

[894] You want to know how Jim Gav how fat Jim Gaffin is?

[895] His headphones didn't fit.

[896] Like, they literally had to get the extender.

[897] That's not that rare to have to have this extender on my headphones.

[898] It's not an extender.

[899] It's, we...

[900] You glued three pairs together.

[901] We took six headphones when we cut out sections and we glued them all together.

[902] And then I added my belt.

[903] But you know what?

[904] You look good.

[905] I think you look good.

[906] I think you're fine.

[907] But thanks.

[908] That's all right.

[909] So, yeah, no, the paleness thing is not great.

[910] Yeah.

[911] I wish I had...

[912] I wish I was a very dark -skinned Spanish man. Yeah.

[913] Yeah.

[914] And I wish I worked in like a small but respected tapas place.

[915] Really?

[916] Yeah.

[917] But it's not super popular, so I don't have to work that hard, but it's respected.

[918] Right.

[919] You know, but the thing about tapas, you know, let's, hey, we're too pale people.

[920] Let's talk about tapas.

[921] You know, and I have shows in Spain coming up.

[922] Oh, I know.

[923] We all know.

[924] is the tapas, they're kind of out all day.

[925] Yes.

[926] I'm not a fan of that.

[927] No. Like they make them all around 10 a .m. And then you're like, hey, didn't I see those six hours ago?

[928] And they're like, yeah.

[929] And you're like, I don't want that.

[930] I don't want that.

[931] How many times you're going back to the same top of place?

[932] At 10 a .m. I go to a lot of them.

[933] It's just clear now.

[934] I'm just doing the reconstructive surgery on this story.

[935] You were at the topas place at 10.

[936] You went back at 12 Then you were back at 4 It's just out there Like no sneeze guard You know, come out I don't want that You just say it's Flan I don't like it I don't like it I don't like that A lot of Hammond Over in Espagna But Yeah A lot of Hamon Have you done Conan Without Borders in Spainia No No we're going to We have plans to do it Would you like to do A Conan without I'm Spanish So you might as well take me What are you talking about Well I'm part Spanish That's not true Well, I like Spanish rice.

[937] Okay.

[938] I think we've, you know, I know, oh, you have a, I think one of the first guests to say, I got to go.

[939] I can do it now and then I got to go.

[940] Where do you got to go?

[941] I've got a movie premiere.

[942] It's called Troob Zero.

[943] Oh.

[944] I'm working with two fantastic, a young up -and -comers.

[945] One of them is called Viola Davis.

[946] I don't have you ever heard of her.

[947] And Alice and Janney.

[948] They've got some problems.

[949] Incredible talent.

[950] And McKenna Grace, who has more success by the age of 13 than I ever will achieve in my career.

[951] And a bunch of other kids.

[952] But it's a great movie.

[953] It's about odd balls that kind of find their way to be themselves.

[954] You're getting quiet again.

[955] Earlier you were saying that before we started taping, you were saying that you think that women shouldn't work.

[956] What did you mean by that?

[957] You, well, you know me and my beliefs.

[958] I have very strong beliefs.

[959] Or if they're working, it should be work in the bedroom.

[960] My God.

[961] You know what I love?

[962] You're the rule of improv is to say yes and.

[963] So I love that you just lay out horrible things that I said.

[964] I'm going to blame it on my monster.

[965] Any drink.

[966] I've had three of it.

[967] And then it's my job.

[968] to go, yes, and.

[969] So earlier, you said you killed a bunch of teenagers back in the late 80s.

[970] What did you mean by that?

[971] Well, yes, and they tried to escape, but I didn't let them.

[972] And now they're in a well.

[973] You're a monster.

[974] I am a monster.

[975] Well, you're a good guy.

[976] This has been fun.

[977] I'm glad you had a good time.

[978] Hopefully this is, you know, I guess I'll find out.

[979] It's going to be fine.

[980] It's going to be fine.

[981] What do you guys think?

[982] We think we've got a good one here?

[983] I think it's great.

[984] I haven't had that much fun in a long time.

[985] Oh, thanks.

[986] Well, you have a set.

[987] I don't believe them, but go on.

[988] Okay.

[989] Okay, take it back.

[990] You're a very funny man. Thank you.

[991] You're very talented, and I've known you for a very long time, and I always like to see how your brain works.

[992] You're a very unusual fellow.

[993] Oh, thank you.

[994] And I mean that in the nicest way.

[995] Thank you.

[996] And I won't tell anyone how much you disrespect women.

[997] Thank you.

[998] Thank you for keeping that under your hat.

[999] It's only funny because it would never be true.

[1000] Right?

[1001] Right, Sona?

[1002] What's that?

[1003] Wait, I'm sorry, what?

[1004] Were you looking at your phone?

[1005] I was.

[1006] I was checking to see what time it was.

[1007] No, you would never disrespect women.

[1008] Except unless they were during a podcast looking at their phone.

[1009] Yeah, except unless they're your assistant.

[1010] She was playing solitaire, too.

[1011] Remember solitaire?

[1012] God bless you, Jim Kelly.

[1013] Thank you.

[1014] Thanks, you guys.

[1015] You know, as we do this podcast, I think people are really getting to know you, Sona.

[1016] Yeah.

[1017] And it's nice.

[1018] I think they're getting to know the real you.

[1019] So every now and then I like to bring people up to date on what it's like to be around you, particularly your family.

[1020] Yes.

[1021] So just literally three days ago, I'm with Sonan, and we're running an errand, and we're in sort of the Koreatown area of Los Angeles.

[1022] Yes.

[1023] I'll tell you what the errand is.

[1024] I had to go and get some eyeglasses.

[1025] So we went into this store that we like in Koreatown, and I go inside, and you were making sure that my car was in the right spot and the lot.

[1026] You said, I'll be right in.

[1027] So I came in, and then you came in, and you were looking at your phone, and you were all flustered.

[1028] I said, what happened?

[1029] You said, someone tried to break into our house.

[1030] And this is your new house that you and your husband tack bought.

[1031] You've kind of partially moved in, but not all the way.

[1032] And you said, someone tried to break in.

[1033] and I said, oh my God, that's terrible.

[1034] And the person who's selling us the frames was like, that's terrible.

[1035] So we both drop what we're doing and we make it all about you, what's going on.

[1036] You're like, someone tried to break in, someone tried to smash the door.

[1037] Like, oh, my God, that's awful.

[1038] And then you suddenly, you're saying, your phone just lights up and it's your dad.

[1039] He's headed over there.

[1040] He's headed over there right now.

[1041] Immediately.

[1042] Immediately.

[1043] Then your uncle who?

[1044] No, my tax stepdad.

[1045] So dropped everything and went to the house.

[1046] Suddenly, people are quitting their jobs.

[1047] Call the sheriff.

[1048] Yeah.

[1049] Yeah, Armenians within a 600 -mile radius are all dropping whatever they're doing.

[1050] Like an Armenian surgeon stopped midway through heart replacement surgery, dropped his scalpel and said, someone tried to break into Sonan tax house and ran out of the emergency room.

[1051] Yeah, yeah.

[1052] The patient did not make it.

[1053] And, you know, planes are landing.

[1054] Just madness.

[1055] It's crazy.

[1056] Absolute madness.

[1057] And your phone just keeps lighting up.

[1058] So suddenly it's not about me. buying my glasses, which is appropriate.

[1059] This is much more important.

[1060] You're really rattled.

[1061] Then you say like, oh, my husband, my husband just called.

[1062] He says, I'm buying a gun.

[1063] And I said, what?

[1064] And he said, if people are smashing into our house, I'm buying a gun.

[1065] And I'm shouting to your husband, who I love by the way, and who's a sensible man. I shout to him over the, like, tack, you're not getting a gun.

[1066] And he's shouting back, I'm going to get a gun.

[1067] I want a shotgun.

[1068] I've got to protect my family.

[1069] So all of this is happening.

[1070] craziness, absolute craziness.

[1071] Eventually, I buy my sunglasses and eyeglass frames and, you know, pay for it.

[1072] And we leave, and I would say now about like 40 minutes has gone by.

[1073] And we are getting into my car and we get in the car and I'm in the driver's seat and you're in the passenger side.

[1074] And I go like, so, Sona, what about your house?

[1075] I mean, what about your house?

[1076] And you went, no one tried to break in.

[1077] What?

[1078] And I said, what?

[1079] And she said, no, I'm pretty sure no one tried to break in.

[1080] And I went, what?

[1081] And she said, well, someone came by who was, like, going to clean the house and thought that someone was going to break in.

[1082] But I don't think so.

[1083] I think maybe just someone had a little trouble getting the key in.

[1084] And then you proceed.

[1085] I said, what do you mean?

[1086] What does the door look like?

[1087] And she said, well, here's a picture that, like, my husband took of it.

[1088] And you showed me a picture, and it's a completely normal looking door handle.

[1089] What?

[1090] The completely normal, listen to this, Gourley, a completely normal looking door handle with key.

[1091] And you know the way sometimes we go to put our key in and occasionally the key slightly misses the slot and makes a little tiny bit of a scratch next to the keyhole?

[1092] There's three of those on either side of this door handle.

[1093] It's from the 1960s.

[1094] So of course, it's actually the nicest looking door handle I've seen in fucking memory.

[1095] Were those scratches already there?

[1096] You just didn't know it work.

[1097] Yes.

[1098] And so it went from, yeah, no. And I said, no. Not only did no one try to break in.

[1099] I think someone jumped your hedge, came up, and polished your door handle.

[1100] That's what I think happened.

[1101] And meanwhile, there are 45 Los Angeles Armenians crawling around the house.

[1102] Shotguns are being purchased.

[1103] Lambs are being butchered for no reason and cooked.

[1104] They've already printed shirts that say Team Sona.

[1105] Yeah, exactly.

[1106] They started a go -funner.

[1107] me for her missing items.

[1108] Fifteen strangers in the neighborhood were wrestled to the ground and imprisoned in a wooden cage.

[1109] What the hell?

[1110] It escalated very quickly and then de -escalated just as quickly.

[1111] I love it.

[1112] It went from, oh, my God, madness.

[1113] Missiles are being launched to me getting in the car and wanting to be supportive and saying, almost like, Sona, do you need me to, I'll drive over there with you if you don't feel, you know.

[1114] immediately to, oh, no one broke in.

[1115] Do you like that you have that at your disposal, or is that a burden?

[1116] I should say I don't like it, but I love it.

[1117] She has an army.

[1118] She has an army at her command.

[1119] Because, you know, most people would have to be, I have to leave, I have to go to my house, but instead I was like, let me just call one of 30 people that could go to our house right now and they'll call.

[1120] Yeah.

[1121] First of all, all you have to do is call your dad.

[1122] Yes.

[1123] Or your mom.

[1124] And suddenly, people you don't even know.

[1125] know are being alerted.

[1126] People who are in the middle of a mustache waxing are being awakened from a deep sleep in their barber's chair and they're getting on a pony and riding over to your house.

[1127] It's craziness.

[1128] They all have watches that have a signal that go off.

[1129] Yeah.

[1130] I was getting texts from people I haven't been affiliated with who were just talking to my mom and they were like, I heard about your house.

[1131] It was so stupid.

[1132] But, yeah.

[1133] Yeah, the house is fine.

[1134] Best looking, by the way, best looking doorknob and keyhole I've seen in my life.

[1135] Very lovely.

[1136] Very, very lovely.

[1137] You can see your reflection in it.

[1138] Absolute madness.

[1139] But it does make me think, I mean, you have such power.

[1140] Do you know what I mean?

[1141] You can summon, the way Aquaman can just, he can just think about his different animal friends.

[1142] And suddenly all these fish are coming from all over the, you can just send out this signal.

[1143] You have like a trident.

[1144] Yeah.

[1145] And 800 people will come running.

[1146] You're like a white walker that can just raise the dead.

[1147] Yeah, but it's the Armenian way.

[1148] I think I would do it if somebody else needed it.

[1149] I would, I would, if someone texted me and said, I need to leave, I would drop everything and completely just leave without telling you anything.

[1150] So you don't put the job first?

[1151] Okay.

[1152] That's the funniest thing you've said.

[1153] Put the job first.

[1154] first.

[1155] Yeah, I know.

[1156] No, come on.

[1157] You know that.

[1158] Yeah, I mean, you know, you know, I like my job.

[1159] I love my job.

[1160] You have your priorities in order.

[1161] Yeah.

[1162] You do.

[1163] If somebody needs, you know, if an Armenian out there needs help, text me and I'll be right there.

[1164] And that just goes to any listeners throughout the world.

[1165] Any listeners.

[1166] Including all of Armenia.

[1167] Yeah.

[1168] Also, anyone in Armenia, if you're in Yerevan right now and you need help immediately with something, just get a hold of Sona and she will drop what she's doing.

[1169] and she will fly.

[1170] You know what, same goes for me, Armenians.

[1171] I got your back.

[1172] Thanks, Matt.

[1173] You got it.

[1174] Oh, man. You'd fit right in in Armenia.

[1175] You.

[1176] Can you imagine?

[1177] Yeah.

[1178] I've been there.

[1179] It would be hilarious.

[1180] Actually, I stuck out sort of ridiculously in Armenia.

[1181] No kidding.

[1182] Thank you.

[1183] They were very happy to see director Ron Howard.

[1184] Happy homecoming.

[1185] Yeah.

[1186] And remember, that is a real offer out there.

[1187] If you're Armenian and you need help, contact Sona and she'll be there in 20 minutes no matter where you are in the world.

[1188] Yes.

[1189] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sona Mopsessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1190] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1191] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1192] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1193] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1194] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1195] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1196] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1197] Got a question for Conan?

[1198] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1199] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1200] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1201] This has been.

[1202] A team Coco production, in association with Earwolf.