Armchair Anonymous: Pooped at the Gym

[0] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now.

[1] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[2] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Speckle.

[5] I'm joined by Mr. Mous, King of the Jungle.

[6] They are, aren't they?

[7] The mice?

[8] Yeah.

[9] They're the King of the Jungle.

[10] Yeah.

[11] Because they can hide and stuff.

[12] Yeah, if we say the definition of king is least visible, then yes.

[13] I think it's most survivable.

[14] Yes.

[15] They're the cockroaches of the mammal world.

[16] Okay.

[17] Well, that's rude.

[18] It is rude, but it's true.

[19] I think they're the first mammals, tiny little rodents of which they are among.

[20] That's cute.

[21] Yeah, they're super cute.

[22] Eric was telling me he opened up his grill the other day.

[23] Uh -oh.

[24] And when he opened the fucking lid, huge rat was in there scurrying around.

[25] Oh, that is, isn't that horrendous?

[26] Oh, that's too close to a rat.

[27] That is disgusting.

[28] Did he slam it back down?

[29] Good question.

[30] I'm sure he did.

[31] He's afraid.

[32] Or maybe just ran away and let it scurry out.

[33] I would have left it open so he could get the fuck out of there.

[34] That would be smart, but what?

[35] I don't dare even suggest it.

[36] He clipped it?

[37] He slammed it back down and then lit her up.

[38] He wouldn't do that.

[39] No one would do that.

[40] That's cool.

[41] That's so mean.

[42] Yeah, terrible.

[43] I can't even believe I had that dark thought.

[44] Yeah.

[45] So sorry.

[46] Forgive me. I just feel compelled to list all the options on the table.

[47] Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

[48] Okay, today we have a great episode.

[49] You can listen to this one.

[50] You're allowed.

[51] You're allowed to.

[52] I know you've had to skip a few that were bad, but now we're finally at where you can listen to.

[53] They're all good.

[54] No, some shouldn't be heard.

[55] But this is one you can listen to.

[56] This is stories about unauthorized evacuations at the gym.

[57] And that can extend to also some kind of athletic endeavor.

[58] Anything fitnessy.

[59] Fitnessy, athletic e. And boy, do we get some dozies.

[60] We got some fucking real professional athletes on this.

[61] I know it was cool.

[62] It was really cool.

[63] I keep thinking about that guy.

[64] Oh, Lane Norton.

[65] He's one of my favorite follows on Instagram.

[66] His tag is Bio Lane.

[67] He reads all the data and all the studies, and he kind of debunks all these popular diet myths.

[68] Oh, interesting.

[69] Among many things.

[70] And he's a scientist.

[71] He's also a power lifter.

[72] Oh, my.

[73] And he's going to be on the show.

[74] Oh.

[75] I invited him on the show, but we got to wait until he's done.

[76] he's entering a powerlifting competition just today he posted a video of him i think maxing what he's going to try to do in this competition it's a catrillion pals and as i was watching it i was like i need to write on here you know you got a high likelihood of dumping in your singlet that's right that's an easter egg than a spoiler i have a straight up your ass spoiler it's colored how i see everything Wow, I know.

[77] I mean, life is so precarious.

[78] It is.

[79] I could poop at any moment.

[80] I thought maybe I was going to poop in the middle of the episode.

[81] Because of all.

[82] Mirror neurons.

[83] I didn't.

[84] I would take the best care of you if you pooped your pants.

[85] Little mouse poops.

[86] Yeah.

[87] I want you to know that you should feel totally free to poop your pants at work.

[88] Okay.

[89] No, thank you.

[90] I'll take care of you.

[91] I'll run home and get you a new outfit and I'll bring you some wet wipes.

[92] and give you some hugs while you're stewing in it.

[93] And I'm crying.

[94] Yeah, I'll comfort you.

[95] I'll say, that's okay.

[96] In fact, it's better than okay.

[97] I don't even smell it.

[98] We love you more now.

[99] And then you're gagging.

[100] Okay, please enjoy Poo -Boo at the gym.

[101] All times.

[102] Come and go.

[103] Take them slow.

[104] You got to know, I'm going to keep from shining.

[105] Hello, can you hear us?

[106] Yes.

[107] Hi.

[108] Good job, girlfriend.

[109] Speaking of which, can she say hi because today is her birthday?

[110] Happy birthday!

[111] Happy birthday!

[112] I actually got him into your guys' show, so I just want to take credit for all of this.

[113] You should, and we thank you.

[114] But not the poopie myself.

[115] That was me and I was no part of that.

[116] Nice meeting you and happy birthday.

[117] Happy birthday.

[118] You too, thank you.

[119] All right, bye.

[120] So Alex, tell us what happened.

[121] All right.

[122] So there's a bit of backstory.

[123] to it.

[124] I am a competitive power lifter.

[125] And I have been for quite a long time.

[126] What is your lift?

[127] My favorite is the squat, but this happened during a deadlift, which I happen to probably be better at.

[128] Okay.

[129] During a deadlift.

[130] That's compromising.

[131] Yeah.

[132] For anyone who lifts weights, the two moments you think about this happening, I do think squats worse because you now have a bunch of weight on your back.

[133] You can't drop it like a deadlift.

[134] That's true.

[135] I ended up picking a meat solely because I wanted to go for a state record.

[136] Dax, we are both from Michigan, so that's where I set the record in.

[137] Oh, my goodness.

[138] Where was this event held, like Coldwater, Michigan or something?

[139] No, so this was actually held in Indiana.

[140] It was just outside of Indianapolis and Plainfield.

[141] Okay.

[142] How old are you?

[143] I'm 27 now.

[144] This was when I was 24.

[145] It was December 7th, 2019.

[146] So, in going for the record, I had to aim for a weight class.

[147] I normally walk around about 270 now, then I was about 250.

[148] So I had to cut to get down to 240.

[149] And I don't know if you're familiar with how cuts go.

[150] But it was just starving and dehydrated myself for about 24 hours.

[151] I actually was taught the right way to do a sauna weight cut by a dude who trains UFC fighters.

[152] Now, the weight cut was a pretty big part of what did this because my system was completely clean.

[153] So I didn't go for like a day or two before I even left.

[154] There was nothing in my system for me to get rid of.

[155] Yeah.

[156] You kind of get in the bad habit of after you weigh in, of just stuffing your face because you're starving.

[157] Now, being three hours away, I have this bad habit of I can't go if I'm not at home.

[158] We were just in Florida.

[159] We were there for six days.

[160] I went twice.

[161] Oh, gosh.

[162] Uncomfortable.

[163] It's like a nervous habit.

[164] Don't feel bad, Alex.

[165] Very common.

[166] I don't feel bad.

[167] I feel bad for the people that go after me sometimes.

[168] So I'm dehydrated.

[169] I ate terribly leaving out.

[170] to it because I was 24, so why would I eat good?

[171] Pizza?

[172] No, probably worse than that, just uncrustables mostly.

[173] Okay.

[174] Oh, wow.

[175] That's the turbo food.

[176] A lot of carbs, good carbs.

[177] Are you familiar with the brand smart food and they make, like, popcorn and stuff?

[178] Yeah.

[179] So I happened to stop at a Walmart on my way from the way -ins to the Airbnb that I was saying that, and they had a family -sized bag, and I binge -watch Netflix, and I'm pretty sure I ate that entire bag.

[180] Yes.

[181] Wonderful.

[182] So I was full of popcorn and pedi -lo.

[183] light and water on crucibles and cliff bars that was all I hate what a recipe and then I'm staying in a place that I'm not used to saying at so I don't have the urge to go this is over the course of eight hours I probably went through a gallon of water three or four Gatorades I'm just snacking the entire time and again I have not gone okay so I probably weighed in at like 240 pounds and by the time the incident actually ends up happening I'm probably back up to about 255 Oh my God.

[184] Yeah, I believe that.

[185] Oh, my God.

[186] Fifteen pounds of uncrustables.

[187] Hey, water in there too.

[188] That gallon of water is 8 .8 pounds right there.

[189] Yeah, obviously because I have to be rehydrated.

[190] But the caffeine for me is like Drano.

[191] It's really rough.

[192] Like my coach now gets mad if he sees me walk in.

[193] I take a sit because he knows I'm going to his bathroom in like 10 minutes.

[194] Right.

[195] Yeah.

[196] But I can't help it.

[197] But on this particular day, it is not acting like Drano because I'm three hours away from home.

[198] So I'm not going to.

[199] to stop what I'm doing in the middle of the day to go and use the bathroom.

[200] Now, I don't know if you've seen what people wear during powerless he meets.

[201] I've got a spandex singlet on and tidy whiteys because by rule you can't have legs on your underwear.

[202] So I'm in two very thin layers of material.

[203] Uh -huh.

[204] That part we kind of got lucky with.

[205] I can't wait to find out why that's lucky, but yes, continue.

[206] I knew there was a really good chance this was going to happen because it's happened to me before.

[207] and it happened to somebody else that very same day.

[208] Like going to the bathroom on the platform, it's not uncommon.

[209] Oh, my God, really?

[210] Yeah, especially because it's max effort.

[211] Yes.

[212] You're so focused on picking things up or moving stuff.

[213] Like, it just kind of happens.

[214] There's a girl who peed on the platform about two hours beforehand.

[215] That's worse.

[216] But you're saying it's worse because it makes it slippery.

[217] Well, and because people notice it right away.

[218] Right.

[219] If you just go number two, there's not a guarantee anybody's going to notice.

[220] Right.

[221] So deadlifts were going really well.

[222] There were four groups of what we call flights, so like groupings of lifters.

[223] I was in the very last one because I was one of the heavier guys.

[224] And I also happened to be the best of the deadlifters.

[225] My first two attempts, really easy.

[226] The third one, I was going for a state record.

[227] It was 655 pounds.

[228] Oh, my God.

[229] Oh, wow.

[230] Yeah, so this is max effort.

[231] I like to say that during a lift, we picked the right weight because if a bird flew by and shit on the bar, I wasn't going to get it.

[232] Had you ever lifted 655 at that point?

[233] No, that was the first time I'd ever gone for it.

[234] My previous best, like 630, which I had done 10 minutes prior.

[235] Wow.

[236] Okay, so you're going up another 25 pounds from your best today.

[237] This was to set the record for the deadlift and another thing for the total, which is squat bench and deadlift combined.

[238] It was the perfect number to get me the two of those.

[239] So the lift starts off pretty well for me. It flew off the ground, get it to my knees, and that's kind of where it slows down.

[240] As soon as it crosses over my knees, I am forced with a decision.

[241] Shit your pants and get the state record or shit your pants and give up.

[242] You were like, I'm shit in my pants, period.

[243] Oh, it was already coming.

[244] It had started.

[245] Okay.

[246] I end up getting the lift.

[247] I stand it all the way up, wait long enough for the head official to give me the down command.

[248] I get the lift two to one.

[249] I just set a state record.

[250] Oh, boy.

[251] Everybody is celebrating.

[252] Everybody's fired up because it was the happiest deadlift of the entire competition.

[253] Everybody from the previous flights are still there.

[254] Immediately what happens is everybody wants to come up and congratulate.

[255] Oh my God.

[256] And there is brown in the back of my pants.

[257] Can I ask you to give me an analogy of what item you'd say compares to the size of this extramen at this point?

[258] Is this like three tennis balls?

[259] Is this a football?

[260] No, it's liquid, right?

[261] Or is it diarrhea?

[262] It's not quite diarrhea.

[263] It's like three -quarters of a Snickers.

[264] Oh.

[265] Oh, not terrible.

[266] So manageable.

[267] No. But it's enough to wear like I'm uncomfortable.

[268] Yeah.

[269] Because again, it's probably just popcorn at this point and cliff bars.

[270] Oh, it's not a fun one.

[271] Right.

[272] But so everybody is coming up to me and trying to, you know, dat me up and hit you on the butt.

[273] I don't remember if anybody did.

[274] I hope for their sake they didn't.

[275] Oh, that's a thing guys do.

[276] guys love hitting each other on the butts yeah so my coach comes up to me he has been through this before sure so he kind of knows what's happening he's excited to daps me up or he tries to and i shoved him and i said bathroom oh because that's just me going hey man let's congratulate in about 10 minutes yeah i'm going to have a wardrobe change yes now i'm in a panic because i'm full of adrenaline and I am about to crash, and I need to go to the bathroom to clean up.

[277] I beeline across a gym all the way to where the bathrooms are, and there's a line.

[278] Oh, no. Now, I think there was a dude up at the front who saw me, and he could see the look on my face.

[279] So after staying there for like five minutes and somebody came out, he looked at me, and I just cut in front of everybody.

[280] And it wasn't like a men's bathroom and a women's bathroom separate.

[281] It was a locker room of a gym, and like all the bathrooms were a stall.

[282] I think it was like a plywood door.

[283] It was not a well -constructed bathroom.

[284] So I'm in there, managed to undo the singlet and fish out the snickers with the underwear, throw that in the toilet.

[285] But then I realized I don't have anything to change into, and I have to finish.

[286] That's when, like, the diarrhea kind of comes out of it.

[287] Because, like, that was, like, a plug.

[288] And when that came out, everything else was ready to go.

[289] Okay.

[290] I remember being freaked out again because my favorite gator is red.

[291] and the entire time I'm looking down to see if I'm like sick and it's turning red and I'm like oh my God and I thankfully realized that it was probably just a Gatorade you have a reason to be concerned you might think oh I over exerted myself and I tore something Yeah hemorrhoids are a really common thing in power lifting oh I bet yeah people prolapse their anus in power lifting don't I'm sure somebody has Yeah I feel like I saw video went around of a guy singlet ripped in his anus prolapse.

[292] His anus fell out.

[293] It doesn't fall out.

[294] It turns into an elephant trunk.

[295] That's got to be worse.

[296] We don't want to completely fall off your body.

[297] Well, then you can pick it up, at least I'm hiding.

[298] Yikes.

[299] Okay, so you're in the toilet and you think you're dying, but it's just Gatorade.

[300] It's red.

[301] Yeah.

[302] I take a moment and I clean myself up.

[303] Now, this is the part where my coach came in really clutch because he realized what was happening and he went and picked up all my stuff for me and went to the bathroom started yelling out my name and I'm like, I'm over here, he found the salt and just shoveled my stuff under.

[304] Oh, what a good coach.

[305] This is not the first time he's done this for me. Okay.

[306] But again, this is just the worst of it.

[307] All I have are sweatpants now.

[308] I don't even have like a plastic bag to deal with this.

[309] And I'm not going to tuck my gross underwear into the trash can that's in there.

[310] So I like balled it up and stuck it in my singlet.

[311] Uh -huh.

[312] Bolled that up and stuck that in a t -shirt, tuck that away in the bag, sat with it at the awards for like an hour.

[313] And then when everything was set and done, I'm going out to my car, I'm watching for people and they eventually clear out enough to where I feel comfortable going to the dumpster and pitching that underwear out.

[314] The singlet I kept, the single I've used since.

[315] That was salvageable.

[316] That's like $100 for that.

[317] I'm not throwing that away.

[318] And it's a good luck singlet now.

[319] Yeah, absolutely.

[320] I pulled a state record in it.

[321] Yes.

[322] Oh, wow.

[323] Not a fun time.

[324] And then I celebrated by, I think I ate an entire Papa John's pizza on the drive home.

[325] Okay.

[326] You rebounded quick.

[327] Very quick.

[328] Like, again, I was used to it at this point.

[329] You know what's sad about it is it's a sport like any other.

[330] You're training.

[331] You dedicate your life to it.

[332] And the fact that there's a high probability that at the very moment you're striving for, the record, the slaps on the back, the adulation, that there's some significant chance you're going to be dealing with shit in your pants.

[333] That feels very unfair to that sport.

[334] It's a metaphor for life.

[335] Oh.

[336] It was a fun time.

[337] Alex, well, congratulations on your state record, first and foremost.

[338] It is still there, by the way.

[339] I was going to say this earlier.

[340] I have it on video if you want to see the moment.

[341] I would love to.

[342] Could you send us a link?

[343] As it gets over my knee, you'll see a moment where I kind of rock back, and it's as I'm rocking backwards, it's like a pez dispenser.

[344] Like, it's pushing it out.

[345] Uh -huh.

[346] Yeah.

[347] So that's definitely what did it.

[348] Oh, wow.

[349] Okay.

[350] Well, I can't wait to watch this.

[351] What a wonderful.

[352] story and I got to say you're a feather in the cap of this country.

[353] The fact that there's men pushing themselves as hard as they do, it's a deadlift 655.

[354] I mean, Monica, I bet to save my family, I couldn't deadlift 380.

[355] I mean, well, you haven't worked your way up.

[356] But this is an astounding amount of way.

[357] That is incredible.

[358] Yeah, that is really something.

[359] Thank you guys.

[360] I appreciate that.

[361] Oh, well, Alex, what a party.

[362] Please tell your girlfriend again for us one last time.

[363] Happy birthday.

[364] What a joy to talk to you and hear this story.

[365] You're a hero.

[366] Thank you.

[367] I appreciate it.

[368] All right, take care, Alex.

[369] Bye.

[370] Well, that was great.

[371] Wow.

[372] Can you hear us?

[373] Yes, I can hear you.

[374] Can you hear me?

[375] Oh, yes.

[376] Perfectly.

[377] Hello, hello.

[378] Is it Jolie?

[379] Jolie.

[380] Can we use your real name or shall we use a pseudonym?

[381] I've been thinking about this all day.

[382] I bet.

[383] You can use my real name.

[384] Okay, total bravery.

[385] So where are you, Jolie?

[386] Tacoma, Washington.

[387] What do you do in Tacoma?

[388] I'm an occupational.

[389] therapist.

[390] I work with kids that have developmental delays.

[391] Okay.

[392] Very admirable.

[393] Yes.

[394] Is it safe to say you're a patient person?

[395] I can be.

[396] I can also be impatient, but at work, I'm very patient.

[397] Oh, that's good.

[398] Maybe you're impatient when poop is about to come out.

[399] Well, yeah, we're going to find out.

[400] You're in an unauthorized event at a gym or in a workout scenario.

[401] Okay, so it wasn't at a gym.

[402] It was at the summit of Mount Adams.

[403] after climbing a mountain.

[404] Oh, wow.

[405] How long does it take to climb Mount Adams?

[406] A long time, like 11 hours it took us.

[407] Oh, my God.

[408] Wow, okay.

[409] Not a lot of bathrooms along the way, I'm guessing?

[410] No, and that's part of the problem.

[411] Oh, my gosh.

[412] Oof, okay.

[413] So this was back in 2000, and I had been in a wedding, and one of the groomsmen, and his wife and I started chatting, and they had mentioned they were going to climb that.

[414] Adams, would I be interested?

[415] It's not a technical climb.

[416] There's no crevasses, but it's a long hike.

[417] You have to use an ice axe.

[418] It's an ordeal.

[419] I met them a few times.

[420] So I didn't know them particularly well.

[421] They had a set of friends, some brothers that were joining the group.

[422] So there were five of us.

[423] We rented a cabin.

[424] And the day before we got our permits.

[425] And when they give you your permit, you get a human waste kit.

[426] Because there are no bathrooms.

[427] And they don't want you to just leave poop all over the mountain.

[428] Yep.

[429] Bring it in, bring it out.

[430] That's right.

[431] Well, all five of us forgot the kits at the cabin.

[432] So we have no kits.

[433] The kits are like a paper target, a paper bag with kitty litter in it.

[434] So you go on the paper target, you put that in the paper bag with the kitty litter and you secure it all in a Ziploc bag.

[435] Wow.

[436] Okay.

[437] Great kit.

[438] I need one of those like in the trunk of my car.

[439] Yeah, you need that.

[440] When you go to Home Depot, wherever really anywhere's an option yeah yeah so I was excited and nervous and I started having some stomach rumblings and pain before we even left the cabin which was I think around five in the morning so we got to the trailhead and I tried to use the outhouse there and nothing happened too much pressure yeah I could tell there could be problems so a few of us had first aid kits and we had a modium and so I was like no problem i'll just take some emodium it'll be fine so we start hiking and i'm feeling a little uncomfortable and just keep trudging along and i am an rule follower to the tea i didn't have a bag i was not just going to go poop on the mountain and leave it yeah okay so i just held this is where your ethics got in your way i would be like tough shit the animals are going out here it's an emergency i'm going i'm going i would be guilt -free about that i know but what about the friends i mean like well i would get off the trail.

[441] I would really get off the trail.

[442] I wouldn't make anyone else deal with that, but I would just get myself off the trail and find a little area.

[443] In hindsight, I should have done that.

[444] But at some point, there's no trees.

[445] There's no rock.

[446] It's just really just on snow.

[447] So you would be visible to everybody.

[448] Still preferable to what happened.

[449] Oh, God.

[450] So it was taking us a lot longer than we anticipated.

[451] And there's a false summit on Mount Adams.

[452] I'll grab a picture in a second.

[453] I can show you.

[454] But basically, you come up to this peak and you think you've made it.

[455] But then you get to the top and you realize there's a long stretch ahead of you and then another peak.

[456] Oh, my God.

[457] Why do people do this?

[458] Well, I can't.

[459] No. Okay.

[460] Go on.

[461] We got to the fall summit around maybe four o 'clock, which was a lot later than we had anticipated.

[462] And one of the members of our group wasn't feeling great.

[463] And was going to just hang out there while the rest of us pushed ahead and summited.

[464] So we decided to lighten our loads and leave our packs with him.

[465] And then we proceeded with lighter weight.

[466] We got to the summit.

[467] We finally made it.

[468] We celebrated.

[469] We took pictures.

[470] And I think then the relief of having made it was too much.

[471] You relaxed.

[472] I relaxed.

[473] Okay.

[474] Right on the peak on the summit.

[475] Right at the summit.

[476] Kind of poetic.

[477] It is.

[478] A little bit romantic.

[479] Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

[480] That's romantic like that.

[481] If you said to me, I've arranged a helicopter and we've put a commode at the top of Mount Adams.

[482] The notion of being on the peak of the mountain and having an evacuation on a commode sounds spiritual.

[483] Yeah.

[484] Okay.

[485] So I did let my friend Katrina know what had happened.

[486] But can I ask, were you like mid -celebration?

[487] Were you squeezing your cheeks?

[488] What kind of attire were you wearing?

[489] Yeah.

[490] So I was wearing snow pants.

[491] And I think we had boots and crampons like the grippy little spikes.

[492] And just like a thermal shirt and a t -shirt over the top of it.

[493] So we celebrated.

[494] We took all of our pictures.

[495] We were so excited.

[496] And we were getting ready to descend when it happened.

[497] Okay.

[498] It was contained.

[499] but to get down, we were glissading.

[500] What's glissating?

[501] It's when you sit down and you slide on your butt.

[502] Oh, terrible time.

[503] Pros and cons, right?

[504] It didn't have to hike down the whole way, but, yeah, I got to sit in it.

[505] Oh, wow, wow.

[506] We've all been there.

[507] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers and strange rashes.

[508] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[509] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[510] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[511] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[512] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[513] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[514] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[515] What's up guys?

[516] It's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[517] Every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[518] And I don't mean just friends.

[519] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[520] The list goes on.

[521] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[522] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[523] Really quick, percentage of the evacuation.

[524] Are we dealing with a tremendous amount?

[525] Are we dealing with a little oopsies and then you got control of it?

[526] Oh, it's pretty much full, yeah.

[527] And it was like all day coming.

[528] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[529] So it's a sizable issue.

[530] I think it did.

[531] stay contained in my underwear.

[532] It didn't bleed through to my pants.

[533] It wasn't running down my legs.

[534] So at least I had that in my favor.

[535] Right.

[536] Yes.

[537] Yes.

[538] Yes.

[539] And you told your friend.

[540] I told my friend.

[541] I think the other people figured out what had happened.

[542] Oh, no. No. No. Yeah.

[543] I think it was obvious.

[544] How did you tell your female friend?

[545] Because there's this one woman and three dudes, right?

[546] Yeah.

[547] They had all known.

[548] that I was having stomach pain and cramping and I was trying to hold it.

[549] Okay, they had some warning.

[550] And I think by the time we got back down to the fall summit, I just said, well, I don't need to go to the bathroom anymore.

[551] Okay, that's a very cute way to let everyone know you've just shit in your pants.

[552] It is cute.

[553] It is.

[554] And also, it's not coming as a surprise to anyone.

[555] They've been warned for 11 hours that this is possible.

[556] Exactly.

[557] Exactly.

[558] Oh, my God.

[559] Yeah.

[560] But when it was about to happen and you were like, it's about to happen.

[561] Were you, like, looking around like, what do I do?

[562] What do I do?

[563] I didn't even realize it was about to happen until it happened.

[564] Because I had been about to happen all day.

[565] Like, truly, I felt like it was going to happen all day.

[566] And so it kind of caught me off guard a little bit, too.

[567] I was going to say, it sounds like you dropped your guard for a minute to celebrate.

[568] And then it just fell out because you were no longer strangling it back in.

[569] So if it takes 11 hours to get up, how long does it take to get down?

[570] I think it took us about four hours.

[571] That's a long time.

[572] Yeah, well, we got back to the fall summit and my pack was there and I had had lunch.

[573] So I had Ziplock baggies and napkins.

[574] Okay.

[575] I did find a rocky area to get out of my underwear to clean up as best as I could, which was not ideal or great by any means.

[576] Right.

[577] Are you grabbing any chunks of snow and using that in place of water?

[578] I feel like I would have used some snow to deal with some of it.

[579] I wish I had thought of that.

[580] I sure didn't.

[581] But then you could have got frostbite.

[582] I'm also an expert at this.

[583] So, oh, great.

[584] I virtually have running water next to me. Yeah, we glissated and hiked the rest of the way down.

[585] Then we got to the car and we had like an hour long car ride back to the cabin.

[586] And when it contained car.

[587] Oh, yeah.

[588] Yeah, you get it.

[589] You get it.

[590] So windows rolled down.

[591] Uh -huh.

[592] Everybody was very gracious and kind, but it was awkward.

[593] Oh, I wish I could.

[594] I did get to take the first shower when we got back.

[595] So that was great.

[596] That's good.

[597] That is one way to ensure the first shower.

[598] Now, before you got in the car, once you've dipped behind that rock and things are pretty contained, the snow pants aren't full anymore, were you like, oh, I feel so much better?

[599] Like, was there at least great relief?

[600] Was the hike down pretty good?

[601] Yeah, the hike down was definitely better.

[602] I was more comfortable.

[603] I was relatively cleaned up.

[604] I could glissade without squishing.

[605] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[606] Yeah, but glissating must have made it so hard to clean up.

[607] It just must have been all over you.

[608] It was.

[609] Now that I'm thinking about it, more than I would have grabbed handfuls, I think I would have just put my bare ass in the snow and done like dogs dragging on the carpet.

[610] That might have been my move.

[611] You're too nice of a person for this to have happened to.

[612] A lot of the people we talk to you, you're like, you know what, you deserve this.

[613] I always deserved it.

[614] This was an unjust one.

[615] This is unfair.

[616] I mean, it got me here talking to you.

[617] So I guess in the whole cosmic universe, it was worth it.

[618] And did you stay friends with all those people?

[619] No. I think I saw the couple one or two times after that.

[620] I've never talked to them again since.

[621] This is so great.

[622] You picked your pants when you climbed a mountain.

[623] I mean...

[624] I wish I had had been there.

[625] I would have nurtured you so much.

[626] I just would have felt like I really wanted to tell you how perfectly normal this is.

[627] Yeah, I'd be proud of you.

[628] You dealt with it.

[629] You dusted your knees off and you made it down the mountain.

[630] Oh, wow, what a great story.

[631] How soon into dating someone?

[632] How long have you been with your boo?

[633] About six months.

[634] Okay.

[635] And had you told he or she this story right into dating?

[636] I did.

[637] In the context of telling him my most embarrassing story.

[638] And he listened and he said, you climbed a fucking mountain.

[639] Oh.

[640] I love him.

[641] What a chivalrous man. He's right here.

[642] Let me see this chivalrous man. I love that your response was you climbed a mountain and you were proud of her.

[643] What a great response.

[644] Yes.

[645] Oh, yeah.

[646] Plus, that's our mountain, too, with the Yakima Nation.

[647] We own part of that mountain.

[648] Oh, hot dog.

[649] Oh, look at that.

[650] That's Sim.

[651] It is the Sim.

[652] She didn't have poo on my mountains.

[653] you gotta respect that you kept it sacred that's right well Jolie great meeting you thank you so much for sharing that so nice meeting you thank you so much so nice to you both bye I'm mad at my dad for why for doing that to her oh no it's a character builder but she had to poop on a mountain and slide in it It's crazy to me she didn't just wheel off the side and just dump.

[654] Now, her current boyfriend would be upset with that.

[655] No, but I'm that.

[656] There's nothing ethical about it.

[657] No, I don't, I have no ethics around it.

[658] I just know I'd be like, I can't do that.

[659] People will see or it'll smell or I just can't.

[660] I can get through this day.

[661] I know I can't.

[662] I think after like hour four, though, you're, you'd be like, fuck this.

[663] But I wouldn't.

[664] I really wouldn't.

[665] Here's what I worry about is if you find yourself in that situation, Monica.

[666] She handled it perfectly.

[667] Well, I don't need a bathroom anymore.

[668] I don't think you would have been capable of that.

[669] I wouldn't.

[670] I'd be crying.

[671] Yeah, someone pull it out of you because you're crying.

[672] You'd want to just die on top of the mountain.

[673] I'd be like, you guys go.

[674] Go down without me. I'll come down or I won't.

[675] And don't wait for me. The car right.

[676] You call Mad and Ben.

[677] This is when you get to do it.

[678] She climbed a mountain, but she did die.

[679] The bad news is you have to clean her up.

[680] The good news is.

[681] You get to do anything you want.

[682] Okay, Jesse.

[683] Oh, boy.

[684] Hello.

[685] You're in a closet.

[686] I follow rules.

[687] I love that.

[688] Thank you.

[689] You guys.

[690] Match made in heaven.

[691] Oh, thanks, Dax.

[692] Are we going to call you by your real name or do you have a code name?

[693] You can call me by Jesse.

[694] Okay, Jesse.

[695] I'm going to use Dax.

[696] Monica's going to stick with Monica.

[697] We're all going to be transparent on this one.

[698] Okay, Jesse.

[699] You have an unauthorized evacuation in a gym or while exercising or something, please walk us through it.

[700] Yes, it was a fitness location.

[701] I had an unauthorized evacuation in a pool.

[702] Oh, perfect.

[703] Now back up, tell us how you ended up in a pool.

[704] What are we doing?

[705] What time a year?

[706] The whole nine.

[707] Give us all the details.

[708] Dirty deeds.

[709] Okay.

[710] It was my freshman year of high school.

[711] Oh, God.

[712] It's almost, hold on.

[713] Let's just take a minute.

[714] It's so traumatic.

[715] It's so traumatic.

[716] Ninth grade.

[717] Yeah, and I came from like the small little private school, 30 classmates and went to a high school that had the whole town.

[718] So I didn't know everyone.

[719] You were the new girl.

[720] Fish out of water.

[721] Oh, my God.

[722] So I'm on the varsity swim team.

[723] As a freshman, okay.

[724] In my mind, everyone's really talked it up.

[725] Like it's a super hardcore thing.

[726] The coach is the hard ass.

[727] So I'm trying to bring my best game all day, every day.

[728] I'm packing my lunch every day consistently.

[729] Same thing.

[730] Sandwich, fruit, vegetables, yogurt.

[731] I would get some cookies from the school cafeteria because they were amazing.

[732] At some point, I switched.

[733] I'd always do like the same vegetable, but I switched and started doing raw green beans.

[734] Oh, okay.

[735] I would pack like a full sandwich bag, full of vegetables because I wanted snacks throughout the day before swim practice.

[736] So I was tromping away all week on over a breakfast.

[737] pound of raw green beans by this point.

[738] Your odds of getting Listeria are just every day there.

[739] Honestly.

[740] Yeah.

[741] Yeah, I probably wasn't rinsing that me either.

[742] No. No. You got to rush out the door and get to school.

[743] So I'm eating all these green beans.

[744] My stomach I notice is like getting gurgly, pretty bubbly throughout the school day.

[745] I'm trying to go to the bathroom, not in between classes, because a lot of people are in there.

[746] But during class, trying to find any excuse to leave.

[747] I don't even have to go, though.

[748] I'm just sitting there and I'm just farting.

[749] Perfect.

[750] Yes, yes.

[751] And stop.

[752] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[753] It's like loud.

[754] Yeah, yeah.

[755] This is soy.

[756] That's what we're dealing with.

[757] Soy?

[758] Were they soy beans?

[759] No, no, green beans.

[760] Green beans, I'm sorry.

[761] But just beans in general.

[762] They're the magical fruit.

[763] What am I thinking?

[764] All beans.

[765] Yeah.

[766] I think just raw vegetables.

[767] I don't know.

[768] Maybe you should cook them a little bit, make them a little bit softer in your stomach.

[769] Swim practice is at the end of the day, 3 .30 to almost six.

[770] and I'm like, I'm not going to skip swim practice because you have to have a really good reason.

[771] Farts ain't going to cut it.

[772] Monica, I'm sure you can relate.

[773] I can.

[774] You definitely can't miss. State champion swimmer.

[775] Nice.

[776] Oh, my God.

[777] I have no business in this conversation.

[778] Go.

[779] Throughout practice, my stomach's kind of working through something.

[780] So I'm starting to feel like we're nearing me. And I'm like, great.

[781] I'm going to get out of this pool and I am going to relieve myself, fantastic.

[782] We have a sheet, like every practice with everything we're supposed to do written down on it.

[783] So I can tell we're at the end.

[784] So I have hope.

[785] But of course, on this day, our coach is like, oh, we're going to have a little fun.

[786] And we did relays.

[787] And our team is super competitive.

[788] So I'm super competitive.

[789] We get organized.

[790] Everyone's on a team.

[791] We start doing them.

[792] We're keeping score.

[793] We do like a couple different relays.

[794] It's the last one.

[795] And it's just a 25 -yard freestyle.

[796] Everyone just has to swim one length across the pool.

[797] So I go to the other side of the pool to start, which is important because that's the side where the stairwell is to the bathroom, but I'm swimming away from the stairwell to the bathroom.

[798] Yeah, wrong direction.

[799] Okay.

[800] Yeah.

[801] So we're going.

[802] I'm like timing out my teammates.

[803] I'm taking this pretty seriously.

[804] I want to win.

[805] I'm timing out my teammate coming into the wall and people are smack talking and our like assistant coach.

[806] I'm in the lane right next to the edge of the pool.

[807] So he's right there.

[808] and they say a joke as I'm like taking off.

[809] Oh boy.

[810] And I'm midair and I laugh so hard.

[811] Oh, no. Oh, yes.

[812] You weren't being careful enough.

[813] I'm scared.

[814] I laughed so hard that it just pushes everything out of me. While you're in the air, like Superman.

[815] Midair.

[816] And I like hear it.

[817] I can hear it.

[818] Like it is a loud fart with it.

[819] Oh.

[820] Everyone had to have just heard me. Like mid -air jumping into the pool.

[821] Oh, and I kill to see this.

[822] It's like a magic trick.

[823] Like everything had to come together at once.

[824] Yeah.

[825] Perfect storm.

[826] And you said he, the coach is a boy.

[827] Yeah.

[828] Oh, that compounds it for me, you know?

[829] Isn't it worse?

[830] I don't love it.

[831] Opposite sex to witness this?

[832] We did co -ed swim practice.

[833] Oh, gosh.

[834] So there's a lot of boys there.

[835] Yeah.

[836] So I'm a freshman.

[837] There's 30 of us.

[838] and half our girls, half our boys.

[839] It's like a big deal to be a freshman on varsity.

[840] So you're like with senior boys.

[841] Okay.

[842] So, and then I don't want to get too perverse, but I do need to know how big are the swimsuits you wear?

[843] Like what percentage of your butt is covered?

[844] Because I feel like I've seen them get out of the water.

[845] I'm like, goddamn, these girls are almost in thongs.

[846] Like those Brazilians that were swimming last year, the Olympics?

[847] Yeah.

[848] So they're not that bad.

[849] This was 2008.

[850] If I remember correctly, it had like a little bit of bag to it.

[851] I had worn it quite a few times.

[852] Okay.

[853] Thank God.

[854] Well, yes or no. No, you wanted to have some room to take on the cargo.

[855] But if it's tight, at least it could stay in.

[856] I jump in and I'm panicking because I'm like, do I stop right away and look to see what happened?

[857] Or do I finish the race and then look?

[858] Also, if you start swimming as hard as you can, is more going to come out?

[859] Yeah.

[860] Yeah, I'm like, well, and if I kick, like, is it going to, like, stir something up?

[861] Right.

[862] But in my head, I'm like, I don't know where the poop is at.

[863] So I got to the other end.

[864] Okay, there's no shit in the pool.

[865] I don't see it.

[866] Thank God, yeah.

[867] So then I, like, reach down because I need to feel if I can, like, feel a bulge in the back of my swimsuit.

[868] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[869] And at the end of every swim practice, our team would get out and we would sit on the pool deck and talk to our swim coach.

[870] Like, he would tell us things.

[871] So we have to, like, sit in a semicircle.

[872] So if I got a bulge, like, I can't just go sit on my pile of shit.

[873] No, no, on your tail.

[874] So I reached out and I, like, feel the back of my swimsuit.

[875] And I'm like, you know, I don't feel a bulge.

[876] Also, really quick, a lot of people heard the fart in the air.

[877] So is anyone responding already?

[878] Was anyone laughing?

[879] It was so loud.

[880] And I don't know if people noticed what it was.

[881] I think the assistant coach knew.

[882] But I think he was trying to, like, help me in a way.

[883] So he wasn't drawing attention to it.

[884] Oh, thank God.

[885] Yeah.

[886] So I hop out of the pool and I just like go to the locker room.

[887] I'm like not looking back.

[888] I don't want to see people's reaction.

[889] Go to the locker room.

[890] They're all having campfire.

[891] Luckily I'm a freshman so I'm kind of flying under the radar.

[892] And I get down to the locker room and I take my swimsuit off and just shit.

[893] Speckled with green beans all inside my swimsuit.

[894] Wow.

[895] Wow.

[896] Wow.

[897] But wait, since this was a relay, was somebody then, After you?

[898] I was luckily the last one.

[899] Phew.

[900] Okay.

[901] You were anchoring this thing that day.

[902] Yeah.

[903] Certainly had some come out in the pool.

[904] This would have been talked about, like, crazy.

[905] Yeah, if it had come out in the pool.

[906] But at the same time, there's so much that, like, kind of accumulates in the pool.

[907] You could not notice a little bit of poop in the pool.

[908] Oh, okay.

[909] Wow.

[910] Okay, wow.

[911] But if it was, you'd be a legend.

[912] The wrong kind.

[913] I did not tell a soul after this happened, like so embarrassed.

[914] Did you tell your parents?

[915] No, absolutely not.

[916] Oh.

[917] I took off my swimsuit and I like tried to get as much poop out as I could.

[918] But I couldn't just throw my swimsuit in the trash can because everyone would see it.

[919] There's like one trash can in the locker room.

[920] And I have this very distinct pink, orange, blue starfish swimsuit.

[921] No one else has it.

[922] It's mine.

[923] Oh, God.

[924] I wrap my towel around it.

[925] and I just put it in my bag and my ride home, of course, is a senior on the team.

[926] And I have to take my swimsuit, though, because what am I going to do with it?

[927] So I take my swimsuit and the whole time I'm just panicking that the car smells like shit.

[928] Yes.

[929] I bet it didn't.

[930] It's probably - Contained enough.

[931] Wrapped in the towel.

[932] That's a good barrier.

[933] The towel's a little wet.

[934] I think this works.

[935] No one said anything.

[936] Right.

[937] So the next day I leave school because I can't go to swim practice.

[938] practice again.

[939] Like, it's still not okay.

[940] And I can't risk what just happened, like actually getting out.

[941] And then never, ever an incident again in the swimming pool?

[942] Like, that was your last one.

[943] That was the last one.

[944] It wasn't the first.

[945] It wasn't the first.

[946] Yeah, the other one wasn't like at a swimming pool.

[947] I just, in true Midwest fashion, you have ponds everywhere and I really had to go to the bathroom when I was kids.

[948] So I just pooped in the pond, but then it floated nearby.

[949] That's so standard and fine.

[950] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[951] That's not an issue at all.

[952] That wasn't like my stomach was upset.

[953] I just didn't want to stop having fun.

[954] Right.

[955] Now, you've then spent hundreds and hundreds of hours in the pool.

[956] Did you ever witness anyone else having an accident?

[957] No one ever said anything happened in the pool.

[958] Definitely there could have been a lot of that happening, especially knowing what I know now, how many guys I know that have said they've sharded like regularly.

[959] Yeah.

[960] Yeah.

[961] Well, also, it's present in all the sports you've got the cyclists in the Olympics people have sent me video guys ride right through shitting their pants pretty regularly a lot of runners just continue on after they shit their pants we just interviewed a power lifter who shit his pants so of course there's no reason that this one also strike swimmers but what's crazy is you would contaminate the entire environment you'd shut down a meat it's a different beast it's a whole different ball of wax wow I don't think would shut down a meat though i think they'd kind of just try and get away with it oh i think back in the day they'd be like okay like let's get the poop out and like carry on with this with me put another dash of chlorine and then let's keep going yeah wow jesse that's a really brave story and god damn do i wish i could see someone midair in flight pop like a big god would that be great oh i do want to know how many people heard the far Yeah.

[962] I heard it as I was diving into the pool.

[963] I wish we could patch in your assistant coach right now.

[964] Like, I wish we could get his perspective.

[965] And also just pat him on the back for keeping it under his lid.

[966] Yeah.

[967] What a ride.

[968] Well, Jesse, thank you so much for that story.

[969] Yeah, thank you for sharing it.

[970] Thank you for having me. All right.

[971] Bye.

[972] Well, what I liked about this episode is that there was a couple of competitive athletes.

[973] That just really raises the bar when you're in a competitive of situation and this happens.

[974] It really ups the Annie.

[975] It ups the Annie.

[976] It raises the stakes.

[977] It climbs the mountain.

[978] Hellenic studies, liberal arts education.

[979] Satisfisers.

[980] They are not satisfizers.

[981] They are maximizers.

[982] Big time.

[983] Yeah, that was scary.

[984] That was a little bit.

[985] You got scary a little bit.

[986] People shouldn't listen to this one.

[987] I'll make sure just in the intro to say they should skip this one too.

[988] Okay, great.

[989] Love you.

[990] Love you.

[991] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[992] I want to sing a tune or something?

[993] We don't.

[994] have a thing song for this new show.

[995] So here I go, go, go.

[996] We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of armcherry's book and some suggestions on the flyer rhyme dish.

[997] On the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy.

[998] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[999] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[1000] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.