LIVE: David Koechner

[0] He's an option.

[1] He's an option.

[2] Jesus don't cry.

[3] You can rely on me, honey.

[4] You can combine anything you want.

[5] I'll be around.

[6] You will write about the stars.

[7] One is a sitting sun.

[8] Don't know much about history, yeah.

[9] Don't know much biology.

[10] Don't know much about a science book.

[11] Don't know much about the friends I took But I do know that I love you And I know that if you love me too What a wonderful world What a wonderful world What a wonderful world this could be Say don't you rip Dancing in September Did not, did not see you cry Did not did not see you cry Feeling all alone without a friend You know you feel like I Did not did not see Here we go Here we go I want two You got to start He's an armchair If anyone here is a Devout armchair You will know that Wobby Wob is from Chicago So it's a coming home for Wobby Wob Robby Robb It was his birthday last week so I just want to say again Happy birthday to Rob And also we just love this city We're so grateful to be We were here last year around Christmas It was fun we had a Christmas tree But now we're here for summer So next I want to bring out A very very special lady She's so powerful, even though she's miniature.

[12] Please welcome Monica Padman.

[13] This is the best place to do a show.

[14] It is.

[15] We are here with the graciousness and the generosity of the Chrysler Pacifica.

[16] Now, that is a vehicle.

[17] We are on the Pacifica Midwest Tour.

[18] That's right.

[19] And we are driving the shit out of those minivan.

[20] Guys, it's a great van.

[21] Yeah, you can't even stay awake in there.

[22] The comfort level is off the charts.

[23] Oh.

[24] Okay.

[25] Also, the very kind folks at Lazy Boy, they give us our furniture, and then we donated to Habitat for Humanity, so thank you for Lazy Boy.

[26] So, I know Monica makes fun of me about my superlatives, and then I give out these ranks too easily, but this one's for real as shit.

[27] This is the funniest real -life person I've ever worked with.

[28] He is a son of Chicago in sorts.

[29] He was a transplant.

[30] He's the funniest man on two legs.

[31] You've probably heard him say whammy a time or two.

[32] Dave Kekner, please.

[33] What comfort am I sitting on?

[34] I know, isn't it?

[35] Isn't that a nice sofa?

[36] It is a nice.

[37] Make yourself comfy.

[38] Get comfy.

[39] So, Dave, before we jump into it, I counted up how many times we've worked together, and it came as a bit of a shock to me, and now I'm including your talk show that you did where you interviewed people at Denny's, which was a great concept.

[40] It doesn't compare to the comfort level of Pacifica, but a very nice place to be interviewed.

[41] Including that, how many projects do you think we've done together?

[42] Six?

[43] Eight?

[44] Eight things we've done together.

[45] I've worked with you more than any other actor.

[46] Is that right?

[47] Absolutely.

[48] So Dave and I met here in your beautiful state of Illinois.

[49] We are both held up at corporate housing in Bowling Brook, Illinois.

[50] If you guys don't have summer plans yet, and you're looking to take the family somewhere really fun and exciting.

[51] just hop on the highway.

[52] It's a two short hour ride in traffic to Bolingbrook.

[53] And we met on a movie called Let's Go to Prison.

[54] What I had heard about you before we met from Amy Poehler was, oh, you're going to work with Dave Kekner.

[55] I'm so excited for you.

[56] He's the mayor of wherever he goes.

[57] That's your nickname, right?

[58] You immediately set up shop and it's you're running the show.

[59] Would you say that's accurate?

[60] I'd say I'm loud.

[61] Well, you're the most stylish guest we've ever heard.

[62] had, I'd say, right?

[63] Dressed to the nines, as they said.

[64] What kind of animal do we have on those boots?

[65] This is Pirauku.

[66] It is a 15 -foot fish out of the Amazon River.

[67] Whoa.

[68] You know, when I look at those boots, the first thing I think of is, that's not a knife.

[69] This.

[70] These are boots.

[71] It's not a gator.

[72] It's a fish.

[73] It's as if a gator and a catfish mated.

[74] Oh, I'd love to see that.

[75] Yeah.

[76] I didn't catch it.

[77] Everyone goes, and you caught it.

[78] That'd be a great story, but no. Yeah, I hear gators are very tender, lovers.

[79] You know so much about animals and their sex lives.

[80] Animal husbandry, yeah.

[81] I want to give Padman the respect, admiration.

[82] Thank you.

[83] Yeah.

[84] Look at this gentleman.

[85] Look, I've had the smarts to hook my train to a couple of locomotives.

[86] One was Kristen Bell, and then Monica.

[87] Hadman.

[88] She took over.

[89] I love you, Daxon.

[90] You know that, but I got to say, the view's much better this way.

[91] Why do you think I'm fucking facing this way, Kegner?

[92] You guys.

[93] Dave and I are currently on a show together called Bless This Mess.

[94] Dave's my favorite part of that show.

[95] Not even so much for what he's doing on the show, but what he's doing at work, he yells at everybody that's working.

[96] incessantly, and it's all in good humor, but they'll be about ready to roll.

[97] They'll go, you know, rolling, speeding.

[98] And here's Kekner, gang, everybody works on this take.

[99] If you see some cable, wrangle it.

[100] No leaning.

[101] And no one look at me. Shut your eyes, turn the camera on, walk away.

[102] And then to the guy, hey, real soft.

[103] focus on me, guys.

[104] No edges, all right.

[105] It's a blob.

[106] Yeah, you're preserving a brand.

[107] So, real quick, let's go to prison.

[108] We're filming at Joliet Prison, which, ironically enough, is a beautiful building.

[109] No, it's got some like prairie craftsman touches.

[110] Remember the walls, they're beautiful, it's all brick.

[111] Now, once you step inside, you're like, oh, this is a house of horror.

[112] Sure, sure.

[113] Yes.

[114] I just want to say I had a shower scene, and it's like you're acting, you're acting, and all of a sudden it hits you, no, this is a real shower where hundreds of thousands of men have seen horrific things right where I'm standing and things have gone down this drain.

[115] Are you seeing below my ankles?

[116] Can I have my flip -flops on?

[117] That kind of experience.

[118] Sure.

[119] And remember, the oldest prison in the country was inside that prison.

[120] It was a prison built for inmates in the Civil War.

[121] Oh, really?

[122] Yeah.

[123] You don't remember?

[124] It was very small.

[125] I didn't get that tour.

[126] Who took you on this tour?

[127] You know I like to talk to people.

[128] You too.

[129] This is, again, a testament to what kind of guy, Dave Kekner's.

[130] He will know everyone's name in here before you all leave.

[131] That's a certainty.

[132] He knows every single person's name who he's ever worked with.

[133] And I truly admire it and applaud it.

[134] You talk to everybody.

[135] You make everyone feel included, and you're just a genuinely wonderful human being.

[136] You're also a scumbag like me, which is why we're friends.

[137] And so...

[138] We do have a lot in common.

[139] Yeah.

[140] Let's start with looks.

[141] Yeah.

[142] Roughly the same frame.

[143] Medium build.

[144] Well, you are the same height, it seems.

[145] Same height.

[146] There you go.

[147] Same height.

[148] Same height.

[149] We're thinkers.

[150] We're intellectually curious.

[151] That's right.

[152] That also binds us.

[153] Yeah.

[154] We met.

[155] And I, of course, had already seen you an anchor man. And you were absolutely hysterical.

[156] Champ kind.

[157] Whammy!

[158] You could sit next to my ear while I slept and shout it over and over again I'd wake up and still be in the mood for more whammy.

[159] But I had seen you in that and I thought you were hysterical and of course I remembered you from Saturday Night Live and I thought, God, I hope this guy likes me because I was new on the scene.

[160] Here's the thing, gang.

[161] Guys.

[162] Guys, gals, gang.

[163] When we get to work, it is play.

[164] Remember, it is called a play.

[165] It's called a teleplay or a screenplay, and the operative word, play.

[166] So the days we're working, we're playing.

[167] So I'm happy any day we get to play.

[168] But I think you were apprehensive.

[169] You thought, oh, this guy, you thought I was going to be agro.

[170] No, I just thought you're a real comedian with real street cred, and I'm a guy that was on MTV, and you're probably wondering, why is that guy number one or two on the call sheet, whatever I was?

[171] That was what I, the baggage I walked into it with.

[172] Well, see, I make no judgments.

[173] To me, honestly, you know, Bob, Bob Odenkirk was directing.

[174] I'm like, this is going to be fun.

[175] I did already admire you.

[176] Not as much as I've come to, but I was like, well, this guy gets it.

[177] He does it, and you're an improviser, and you improvise all that stuff on punk, which is really remarkable.

[178] And you were so grounded and real, you didn't play with a wink.

[179] All the time, you were just real.

[180] And so I thought, you know how to do the jokes.

[181] To a fault, that was the first time I was in a movie, I was like, I'm going to really try not to be funny.

[182] And I was like, oh, real actors do all these things.

[183] I imagine not a lot of prisoners are left -handed and creative like me. Oh, no. And so I'm like, I'm going to be right -handed in this movie.

[184] It's my big actor's choice.

[185] Guys, this is like a year into me getting hired.

[186] Give me a little slack.

[187] I was trying to do my best.

[188] And I made the decision I was right -handed, and then I never practiced being right -handed.

[189] So we have a scene with Michael Shannon, who's a bad motherfucker.

[190] me you and Will are goofballs and Michael Shannon's a for real no shit Academy Award type of brilliant actor.

[191] I don't know why he was in that movie, to be honest.

[192] But he's playing a Nazi and he comes over this fucking set of picnic tables and everyone's scared and I'm supposed to be taking a bite of food.

[193] Again, I've not practiced with my right hand.

[194] Oh, my.

[195] And I'm just like talking to Will and I'm like, yeah, and I told this guy and I literally stabbed myself on the eye.

[196] I challenge all of you to just try to take a bite.

[197] with the wrong hand tonight.

[198] It's harder than you'd think, and I stabbed myself in the eye, and then we had to shut down for about 20 minutes while my eye stopped watering, all because I was right -handed in the movie.

[199] As if a single human being, it was like, the details.

[200] This guy's got the details.

[201] It was an early movie for Mike, Mike Shannon.

[202] Oh, yeah, yeah, because he only was doing plays here, right?

[203] Yeah, he'd done a ton of stuff here in town.

[204] I remember once I saw him in a zoo story, and it was a downstairs, I think, is Cafe Voltaire still around?

[205] No, okay.

[206] There used to be a downstairs.

[207] One person, sir.

[208] People are still talking.

[209] You had a short answer was no, and this guy goes, no, what happened was.

[210] Well, September 8th, it was cloudy.

[211] I remember.

[212] Like the fucking debates last night.

[213] Oh, my God.

[214] As long as one of them wins, I don't care.

[215] If anyone, you know, if anyone is unsure about how.

[216] how to vote.

[217] Just get a mail -in ballot.

[218] Send it to my house.

[219] I'll fill it out.

[220] Oh, there we go.

[221] I like that.

[222] Better yet, Cara, of this podcast, we're going to get so many.

[223] Oh, my God.

[224] Send it to our PO box.

[225] I think that constitutes voter fraud, which I would have thought was a lie, but now we'll prove to be a real threat to this democracy.

[226] We'll put something like they're hearing impaired.

[227] I had to fill it out.

[228] Oh, we're like an advocate, an advocate for these.

[229] Over -impaired people.

[230] This guy gets it.

[231] We will get back to Let's Go to Prison, but you did watch the debates.

[232] Most people watched the debates.

[233] It did very well.

[234] It destroyed my game show.

[235] Whatever.

[236] I took one for our democracy.

[237] Monica and I were watching it last night, and out of nowhere, I was like, how big are Bernie Sanders' hands?

[238] Did you notice that?

[239] They were as big as his head.

[240] Yeah.

[241] I know this day.

[242] And this is my conclusion, I drew, which will be controversial.

[243] Yep.

[244] I'm far left of Bernie.

[245] Oh, Jesus beats.

[246] Okay.

[247] That's lonely over there, huh?

[248] I'm for redistributing the wealth.

[249] I'm fine.

[250] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[251] Yeah.

[252] Yeah.

[253] What I admire about this guy is he is not afraid to be contrarian.

[254] He is fearless.

[255] And, like, there's a consensus.

[256] And he's like, no. Do you like, do you like, very confident.

[257] Very confident.

[258] I said to Monica, here's the controversial takeaway.

[259] I'm like, no, why are this guy so confident?

[260] He's got 12 inches of flaccid dong in his pants.

[261] Yeah, yep.

[262] Like, you guys see a grandpa.

[263] He knows.

[264] Healthcare is all right.

[265] It's not a...

[266] Oh, yuck.

[267] Anyone who's got 12 inches of flaccid dong is not afraid to speak up and go, no, you're wrong.

[268] Because I got this humongest dong.

[269] It takes two Viagra to get that thing.

[270] If he gets Priapus, he'll die.

[271] An erection lasts him more than four hours.

[272] There'll be no blood elsewhere.

[273] So what if his campaign was just, Bernie Sanders, I'm hung.

[274] I'm hung and half hard all the time.

[275] I'll give this country multiples.

[276] What a wonderful rumor we've started about him.

[277] He'll like it, I'm sure.

[278] Vote.

[279] That's a long way to say vote.

[280] Yeah, please do.

[281] So Kekner is from, you are from Missouri.

[282] Yep.

[283] And we have to apologize now when we say you're from Missouri.

[284] I say I'm from Missouri, but I'm not like that.

[285] Oh.

[286] Because, you know, they just tried to shut down the only abortion clinic in the state.

[287] Oh, wow.

[288] And it didn't happen.

[289] They didn't happen.

[290] Bernie Sanders pulled that hog out and started smack.

[291] consents into people.

[292] Who wants this?

[293] I'll show you what a public exam is.

[294] It's a woman's right!

[295] So, horrible legislators, horrible legislators, I don't know if I mention this, the worst legislators.

[296] Because they're all trying to race to get their bill to overturn Roe v. Wade.

[297] Hold on.

[298] Are you running for fucking president now?

[299] I hope you do.

[300] Late announcement.

[301] I like it.

[302] You're actually the perfect person to get into a screaming match with Donald Trump.

[303] Hold dick.

[304] Hold on, gang, folks, guys.

[305] All you'd have to say about Donald Trump is, would you let this man...

[306] Fill in any blank?

[307] Yeah, well, would you let this man coach your sixth grade girls basketball team?

[308] No. Would you let Beto O 'Rourke?

[309] Yes.

[310] Would you let Kamala Harris?

[311] Sanders, no way.

[312] I don't need that anywhere near my daughters.

[313] Oh, God.

[314] Hey, Bernie.

[315] Bernie, no shorts.

[316] But...

[317] I don't wear long pants like Alitas.

[318] I've never tried a Bernie Sanders impersonation.

[319] I'm going to do with like a 40 %?

[320] It's pretty good.

[321] You're really leaning in.

[322] Your father, though.

[323] Yes, Cecil.

[324] Cecil.

[325] Cecil, Keckner, yep.

[326] Is that how he talks?

[327] Now, next, he like cars.

[328] Yeah, yeah, Cecil, I do.

[329] Yeah, you just drive a little too fast.

[330] Oh.

[331] I'm sorry.

[332] I'll try to slow it now.

[333] You don't have to apologize to me. You know, you apologize to the parking lot.

[334] That'd be a...

[335] I'll do that.

[336] That'd be a Cecil.

[337] And then here's the thing, and I do this, because I did it to you tonight.

[338] Okay.

[339] Here's the thing you'd always do.

[340] Immediately change your name.

[341] Oh, good, yeah.

[342] So...

[343] Oh, yeah.

[344] I did that to you.

[345] You did.

[346] Called her Mona, right?

[347] Which I kind of liked.

[348] Like a special nickname.

[349] Was he doing it, like, is it a term of endearment?

[350] Yes.

[351] Okay.

[352] That was his joke.

[353] Oh, it's a good one.

[354] Well, It is.

[355] But when your voice goes up like that, it's a tell.

[356] That's a good one.

[357] I don't want to pat myself on the back, but I referred to Nick Lechay in an episode of punk as Rick Lachet the whole time.

[358] And I got to say, it's one of the funniest things I did.

[359] All I just took that end, and I threw an R in place of it.

[360] Did he ever notice it?

[361] Yeah, because I would go, listen, Rick.

[362] And he'd go, it's Nick.

[363] And I just look at him like, I didn't understand what he was saying.

[364] It's, by the way, you pointed it out earlier today.

[365] It's a powerful response.

[366] It's just a stereotypical.

[367] back at somebody.

[368] It makes you go crazy.

[369] Like, if you say something to someone and then they just stare at you for a while, you're like, wait, I must have said that wrong because that's a bizarre response.

[370] But he designed chicken coops.

[371] It's okay.

[372] Foul coops.

[373] Okay, no. Specific.

[374] Okay, here's how I start.

[375] My dad built livestock trailers.

[376] Because you've got to give people the visual something going down the road on a 40 -foot flatbed trailer.

[377] Because if I say turkey coops, they go, oh, something for the backyard.

[378] You guys must be busy at Thanksgiving.

[379] Like, all right, you're letting me know that I will never have a longer conversation with you in my life, which is good.

[380] That weeds out a lot of people.

[381] Sure.

[382] It's a litmus test.

[383] Okay, so livestock trailer.

[384] But these are specifically cages eight feet tall.

[385] Okay.

[386] There's 188 cages on a 40 -foot flatbed trailer built in four quadrants.

[387] Okay.

[388] They're anchored to the trailer, obviously.

[389] Right.

[390] But he built this business over your childhood, right?

[391] He wasn't born into this.

[392] He was a...

[393] Chicken coop empire.

[394] Turkey coop.

[395] Decks.

[396] Do you work a ton?

[397] He must have worked a ton.

[398] Oh my God.

[399] Probably 70 hours a week.

[400] Yeah.

[401] There was six of you, three boys, three girls.

[402] Well done.

[403] Cissel, Margaret Ann, Mark, Mary Rose, David, Cecilia, Joan, and Joe.

[404] Oh, no wonder you're good at names.

[405] You had fucking 80 siblings.

[406] Now it's...

[407] 36 first cousins on my dad's side.

[408] Kind of Catholic.

[409] A little bit Catholic.

[410] And you know all...

[411] Do you know all their names?

[412] Oh, Jesus.

[413] Monica.

[414] Well, I had to ask.

[415] I mean, I don't know how boring we want this show to be.

[416] The goal is to fall asleep mid -show.

[417] We cater mostly to insomniax like myself.

[418] You're doing pretty good because I'm nearly there.

[419] Well, with this comfy couch and all.

[420] Oh, my God.

[421] The physicality.

[422] I'm not seen a more elegant man in my 44 years.

[423] If Gucci was a human, it'd be you.

[424] So, Cecil, built this business slowly.

[425] I'll tell you the quick story of why he did it.

[426] He used to manufacture smaller livestock implements like picnic table frames and farrowing crates.

[427] If there's anybody...

[428] There we go.

[429] Get on your feet.

[430] There it is.

[431] There was a...

[432] Shit, there were stairs here earlier.

[433] I had them removed for this exact reason.

[434] Does anybody here know what a farrowing crate is?

[435] All right.

[436] Oh.

[437] First of all, I love you.

[438] What is it, sir?

[439] Where the Sal gets birth to a pig.

[440] The sow gives birth to her pigs.

[441] Now, what it does is it holds the sow in this narrow corral.

[442] But here's the thing.

[443] A sow will roll over and mash her young ones.

[444] Also, when they need to suckle, you put her in there so they can suckle.

[445] Because she's so goddamn lazy.

[446] She's say, ah, fuck it.

[447] It's almost as if she's listening to an episode of Armchair Expert.

[448] Oh.

[449] In the best possible way.

[450] Where are you from?

[451] Ohio Small town You live in St. Louis now?

[452] Hold on, we'll get to all of you.

[453] Oh, boy.

[454] The guest has become the host.

[455] You got your arm around that guy like she's a hostage.

[456] Are you okay?

[457] I don't know what happened.

[458] I thought I was watching an episode of he -haul for a second.

[459] I'm not sure that you aren't.

[460] Now, with six kids, in the mix and you're in the middle right the older ones the teenage ones and the littler ones are taking up a lot of the air in the room aren't they yeah in the middle child can get uh i can start using cow terms because you got us in this did you feel a little lost in the hustle did you want some attention you weren't getting you think i got my attention no well i uh i started acting up in school that's for sure I realized early I could make people laugh.

[461] I remember in third grade, Mrs. Powers class, it was wintertime.

[462] This is the first comedy bit I ever did on stage.

[463] It was a Friday.

[464] It was wintertime, so we already had her winter coats on, waiting for the bell, and we had a couple more minutes.

[465] And so Mrs. Powers goes, does anyone want to come up and do anything or tell a joke?

[466] And I'm like, yes.

[467] Finally!

[468] I've been waiting.

[469] When's this school getting it with it?

[470] All you heard was does anyone, and then you were already moving to the front of the class.

[471] So I didn't know what I was going to do.

[472] So all I did is I got the guy who was the easiest and biggest laugh in the class.

[473] My mark, Bob Bestion, I had him come up and sit down, and he's laughing already.

[474] Then I took my hat off, my stocking cap, and I shoved it down the front of his jacket.

[475] And then I pretended, for a full 30 seconds, where's my hat?

[476] Oh, that's great.

[477] You know, one of the earliest comedy bits, Where's My Hat?

[478] Yeah, classic Where's My Hat?

[479] Yeah.

[480] By the way, not to bring it back to Chicago, but did anyone play that game on the playground in the wintertime with the hats, and you go, what happened in Chicago on 1836 or whatever fucking year it was?

[481] And then you'd take their hat and pulled over their eyes and they go, the lights went out.

[482] Am I the only one that played that weird game?

[483] I didn't even know what year it was.

[484] No. Anyway, it sounds in the same family of jokes that you were telling.

[485] A lot of hat comedy.

[486] And continue to tell.

[487] So all I do is rifle through his jacket trying to find my hat.

[488] He was laughing, so they were laughing at that.

[489] Thank God the bell run, because I did not have an out.

[490] Sure, oh, thank God.

[491] You didn't have a blackout line?

[492] I had a similar thing where I kind of discovered, oh, this is fun.

[493] Part of it was I just, I really wanted attention.

[494] My brother was like a pre -teen and a baby sister who's here, Carly.

[495] I love you.

[496] so much of the greatest human.

[497] Yeah.

[498] Carly's here.

[499] She's up there in the very, very back.

[500] One of the appeals was just attention.

[501] But then the other appeal, because I think I had anxiety about my world, was, oh, geez, I have the steering wheel now.

[502] I have control.

[503] I can steer this whole experience.

[504] This is empowering.

[505] I have a voice.

[506] Do you remember feeling that?

[507] Yeah, I think that is what it is.

[508] The attention, I do believe, drives the motor a bit.

[509] but then if you're well -intended, then it's not about you necessarily, it is about us.

[510] And then you go, oh, I'm a conduit to perhaps us recognizing a thing that is funny, which is me. Right, right.

[511] You know, like, when I get onto an elevator and there's six strangers, I am like, I am overwhelmed with the awkwardness.

[512] And I'm just thinking, well, who's going to solve this for us?

[513] somebody's got to say something we can't stand in a box yeah i know and pretend we're alone right i mean so i will say something or i'll fart i'll do i'll do something to to alleviate the extreme awkwardness that's happening right you take on the weight the pain the pathos the bathos of the world the bathos the jeff bathos is worseer it's worse than pathos It's worse or off.

[514] Oh, wow.

[515] Pathos is, you know, like a sad, wet dog, right?

[516] Right, yes.

[517] But Bethos is a grandmother who's lonely, and it's Easter weekend, and her family didn't come.

[518] Okay.

[519] And she's in a rocking chair, and she's holding a mug that says, World's Greatest Grandmother, that she purchased for herself.

[520] years earlier at a county fair and then she still has an answering machine and you hear the answer machine click on and it's her grandkids saying sorry grandma but we're not going to make it again this year and then the mug crashes to the floor oh boy and then on the television you hear the final two shotgun blasts from old yeller they had to put the dog down.

[521] Spoiler.

[522] That's Bethos.

[523] May we all find ourselves in that situation at some point.

[524] Stay tuned for more live show after this exciting commercial break.

[525] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[526] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[527] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[528] All right, well, I'm going to skip right ahead to, you majored in Polly Sai, and I was going to ask why, but with your little preamble about politics, I guess I understand, you just always were very interested in politics.

[529] Always, always interested in politics.

[530] I thought I could make a difference, but I really believed, too, because I grew up in, as you know, Tipton.

[531] Before the Internet, you'd have to read books.

[532] Boring.

[533] Yes, thank you.

[534] Yeah.

[535] Okay, yeah, yeah.

[536] Books might be the key to life.

[537] Who needs it?

[538] I've got Snap's chat.

[539] That's right.

[540] Snap's chat.

[541] How many likes you have?

[542] So many things there.

[543] Wrong name.

[544] Out of business.

[545] It's not.

[546] It's not.

[547] It's still file bankruptcy.

[548] And most people, and I had a desire to be an actor, but who do you tell?

[549] Because in small towns, you don't tell dreams.

[550] Yeah, because it seems like you're arrogant, right?

[551] Who the fuck are you?

[552] Yes, who the fuck are you?

[553] Go weld some turrets.

[554] turkey coops.

[555] Nice.

[556] Got it right.

[557] Where are we?

[558] Polysai.

[559] I'll get to this eventually.

[560] I also want to get back to Bethos at some point.

[561] Oh, he's going to fucking stick Bethos right up our buns by the end of this.

[562] He just planted a little seed that's going to grow into a beautiful Bethos bush and snaps chat.

[563] What was the other one?

[564] Chat roulette?

[565] Oh, my goodness.

[566] I looked at it once.

[567] It's like just a bunch of dudes.

[568] waiting around to get a glimpse of a boobie or some dude jacking off.

[569] The weirdest...

[570] Real high probability of seeing a dude jerking off.

[571] Yes.

[572] Not as much as you'd like.

[573] Anyway, I had no access to how to figure out how to go become an actor.

[574] Yeah, because you go to the University of Missouri?

[575] I went to Benedictine College in Natchezon, Kansas for two years.

[576] I doubt it.

[577] But anyway...

[578] Not likely.

[579] Okay.

[580] I went there for two years, polysci major, then I went to the University of Missouri, which is where I want to go to the first place.

[581] Yeah.

[582] M .C. Show's over.

[583] Deliver.

[584] But again, we're not from there.

[585] Oh, we got to it.

[586] So, not only did they close the clinic, but three years ago, three years ago, there was an NAACP travel warning.

[587] Okay.

[588] Don't go through Missouri.

[589] If you're black.

[590] Yes.

[591] Okay.

[592] That's not what you want from your home state.

[593] No. do better.

[594] So anyway, I knew what Second City was.

[595] I'd read a bunch of books about Saturday Live and about John Belushi and all that stuff.

[596] I knew they went to Second City.

[597] So I drove up with my buddy, Mike Schollmeyer.

[598] We came and watched a show on the way down stairs, because it's on a second level.

[599] I noticed they had this big sign up there.

[600] They had classes.

[601] I'm like, oh, my God, that's how you get here.

[602] So then I saved my money.

[603] I came up and took a two -week concentrated course that summer, and then I saved more money, and I came up and moved to Chicago, started studying at the I .O. first, and then the Second City at the same time.

[604] So, I .O. Improv Olympics.

[605] Who are some alum of that?

[606] I was here during a 10 -year growth period.

[607] I had dinner with a guy named Bertie Solens who started the Second City, and he had said that he had never seen a confluence of talent like had been there the previous 10 years.

[608] Mike Myers, Chris Farley, me. Dave Kekner.

[609] Dave Kekner.

[610] Tina Faye, Amy Poeher, Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sands, John Favreau.

[611] the list goes on and on Andy Richter I had to write this list down it's so deep So some of these people are also doing Second City Yes Dell close Yes He started IO No Sharna Halpern started IO Okay Yep Thank God for Sharna She started IO And did she basically brought Del back from the brink of nothingness Because he wasn't doing anything And so she put him as the Basically the brain for the place The intellectual master The draw Yeah Because he was incredible and immense.

[612] You studied under him, yeah.

[613] Study with Del. When you studied with Del, there was a reverence.

[614] I used to compare it to, if you were training for the army and you're on your stomach crawling forward under barbed wire, and there's live rounds going past you.

[615] That's what it was like with Del. Well, that was the gravity of it because you didn't want to fuck up.

[616] You wanted to be good.

[617] The basically thing about Del is, you know, for him, comedy was a religion.

[618] Right.

[619] And you don't disrespect it and you don't treat it cheaply.

[620] That's cool.

[621] That's a great way to enter it.

[622] And it was very, very important, you know?

[623] Yeah.

[624] Yeah.

[625] And so how then did you also do Second City?

[626] I was just taking classes at the same time there.

[627] Okay, and then you ended up in one of the touring companies, though, right?

[628] Yes, so you did have to audition for that.

[629] Okay.

[630] So I did levels one through five, and then continue to just do stuff at the IO, and I would audition.

[631] Here's the thing.

[632] I would audition once a year for a job.

[633] You're like, you're not going to be very good at this if you do it once a year.

[634] Yes, right.

[635] And it's something you really want.

[636] Yeah, if in the 90s you audition 10 times, that's an issue.

[637] Yeah.

[638] Yeah, over the course of a decade.

[639] Yeah.

[640] So I auditioned twice and I didn't get in.

[641] I thought, well, I guess maybe this isn't for me. But I knew I was as good as the people that were there.

[642] And there was some political stuff that was going on that probably prevented me from maybe being hired earlier.

[643] But I'm not going to get into it because then you have to name names and get kind of petty about stuff.

[644] I'm not like that.

[645] So anyway, I finally got hired in the touring company.

[646] And then I think within the first year I got into the company that used to be out near Schaumburg.

[647] which is closed now, Second City, Northwest.

[648] I was the one that closed it.

[649] You're welcome.

[650] I interviewed Seth Meyer.

[651] What's the name of Bang Chicago in Amsterdam?

[652] Is that what it's called?

[653] Boom.

[654] Boom.

[655] Boom, Chicago.

[656] I know my improv too.

[657] I'm going to tell you guys this.

[658] They discovered backstage that they have the same birthday.

[659] And there's been a connection ever since.

[660] August 24th.

[661] Birthday buddies.

[662] You can send us presents.

[663] Forever, I will call you on your birthday.

[664] Send it with your voter registration card and a present.

[665] But it's a conducive lifestyle to party.

[666] Yes.

[667] What is it?

[668] I mean, there's so many layers probably.

[669] But let's just say, I have to imagine there's a disproportionate amount of partying among comedians, especially the Chicago comedians, feather in your cap.

[670] I mean, blue, she set the bar for a lot of people.

[671] Chicago goes hard and deep.

[672] Yeah.

[673] Like Bernie Sanders.

[674] Oh.

[675] Going to come back two more times.

[676] Just be patient.

[677] Hard and deep.

[678] They go Sanders style.

[679] Paduan has had it.

[680] I've got to ask.

[681] Quick sidebar.

[682] Is that one of your nicknames?

[683] No one ever calls you Paduaan or do they?

[684] No, I've never heard that.

[685] What was it, Padawai?

[686] Padawan.

[687] Oh, Padawan, Star Wars.

[688] Yeah, we love Star Wars.

[689] Yeah, I know everything about Star Wars.

[690] We're Star Wars.

[691] No one's ever.

[692] No one's ever monikered you, Padawan?

[693] No. You need nerdy or friends.

[694] Tomorrow, get nerdyer friends.

[695] I will.

[696] I'm kidding.

[697] It's a great franchise.

[698] It's wonderful.

[699] But, yes, drinkers.

[700] Chicago, hard, wide, and deep.

[701] And again, the next day.

[702] Certainly a drinking culture among comics.

[703] Yes.

[704] Do you have a theory on it?

[705] We'll come up with one.

[706] Okay.

[707] Hey, well, let's take wide.

[708] a person drinks to excess in the first place?

[709] I think you're trying to regulate your insides with some external thing because you don't love how the internal's feeling, slash you're a pussy and can't handle feeling bad.

[710] That's my case.

[711] I don't think we can say that because then that's going to cause those that might be on the edge to drink more.

[712] I'm not pussy.

[713] Am I right?

[714] Why are you drinking?

[715] That's not how pussy drinks.

[716] I thought you're going to say I wasn't allowed to say pussy, which I'm not.

[717] Bray Brown corrected me, so I'm sorry.

[718] Because we can both agree that a pussy is the most powerful thing on the planet.

[719] Sure, absolutely, yeah.

[720] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[721] So I think...

[722] You're scared.

[723] You're on a scary endeavor.

[724] The odds are very stacked against you.

[725] If you pursue a paying career in comedy, you're pretty aware of the odds.

[726] But I think, yeah, that might be the starting point for everybody.

[727] It's like you want to tamp down all that pain, right?

[728] Mm -hmm.

[729] And then also, I'd say perhaps in comedy, it's a challenge to your body, yourself, and your mind.

[730] and then oftentimes you're able to really get to the heart of those emotions, though even that's in a denial state.

[731] Yeah.

[732] There probably is some type of ironic bonding.

[733] Yes.

[734] Also, I'll add that it's a job that you're going to fucking fail at, so hardcore.

[735] The level of embarrassment you will experience as an aspiring actor or comedian is mortifying.

[736] It's not like if you're a welder, you'll eventually weld in front of somebody and put the fucking rod in your mouth and light your head on fire.

[737] But as a performer, you will do something that far off from the objective.

[738] Yes.

[739] And you'll do it many, many times.

[740] That's a little hard.

[741] Have you ever bailed out of an audition?

[742] Oh, my God.

[743] Here we go.

[744] The Larry Sanders show.

[745] Yes, the great Larry Sanders show.

[746] There was an episode where they had their doppelgangers.

[747] And so I went and auditioned for Jeffrey Tambors.

[748] I'd never seen the show.

[749] Not a great help for me. I was auditioning for Hank as the doppelgars.

[750] Polganger show and I'm eating shit just nothing in the room no laughs you had to replicate his rhythms and the whole hangout and all this stuff I just didn't have it at all right because I'd really worked not at all on it turns out doesn't help that's not excellence Gary Shandling sits there and goes well I don't think I could do that I mean you you kept going and he wasn't being a dick.

[751] He was not being a dick.

[752] He was not being a dick about it.

[753] He was more scientific.

[754] It's like you just, you weren't getting anything.

[755] And you just plowed through.

[756] And I took it, I took it.

[757] I enjoyed it because there was a sense of wonder with him.

[758] Yeah.

[759] But he wasn't uncomfortable.

[760] He's just more kind of amazed by it.

[761] Yeah.

[762] Probably impressed with your fortitude.

[763] Yes.

[764] Anyway, I didn't get that job.

[765] No, I have had one where I got a standing ovation from the producer, the director, and the casting director, and I'm like, well, clearly, this is mine.

[766] Now I'm on Cloud 9, and I don't even know where that came from, but we'll get in that later.

[767] Oh, I'll fact check that.

[768] Oh, I figured you probably already knew.

[769] I don't know things.

[770] I have to look them up.

[771] I should have told you, Kekner, at the end of this episode, Monica fact checks what we said, and she points out.

[772] Hey, Dak Shephyr, we worked together eight times.

[773] How are you?

[774] She will fact -check this.

[775] She will point out the many times we were wrong, mostly when I was wrong.

[776] I'll also look up if Bethos is a real word.

[777] I'm going to have to look that up.

[778] Well, at our birthday luncheon, you can tell me. Okay, I will.

[779] What's your favorite food?

[780] Oh, geez.

[781] Cheeseburger off the top of my head.

[782] Chicken sandwich from Houston's.

[783] What is it?

[784] Chicken sandwich from Houston.

[785] That's one.

[786] That's so good.

[787] So good.

[788] Have you had it?

[789] Oh, yeah.

[790] I'm eating it right now.

[791] I don't know if I'm believing anything he's saying to you.

[792] I think he's transfixed by your beauty and your birthday.

[793] And have you really had the Houston's chicken sandwich?

[794] Yeah, I've had almost everything on their menu.

[795] It's a beautiful menu.

[796] I wish this tour was brought to us by Houston's, but it's not.

[797] I know.

[798] Houston's is a chain, so this isn't super insular.

[799] You can all get it.

[800] Yeah.

[801] And you should.

[802] The chicken sandwich is phenomenal.

[803] No. The burger's amazing too.

[804] Ribs are not bad either.

[805] Back to you shit in the bed in an audition.

[806] The one where I go.

[807] Oh, no, no. You got the standing ovation.

[808] Clearly, this is mine.

[809] Yeah, yeah.

[810] I'm driving home, and I got my agent on the line.

[811] I said, when's this thing start?

[812] Because I just nailed it.

[813] He goes, oh, they're already out to another actor.

[814] Oh, man. Well, in their defense.

[815] It was you.

[816] Well, I...

[817] It wasn't, but...

[818] It was let's go to prison and I got the role.

[819] No, I have...

[820] been on the other side and there have been many times where people are auditioning.

[821] I try to explain this to other actors.

[822] It's like someone can be so great and yet they're not the right thing for the movie.

[823] But it's like they do something that's totally cool and original and I believe it, I buy it, but it's not what it's supposed to be.

[824] It has nothing to do with us, but of course I take it personally.

[825] I'm like TGI Fridays hates me. Hates my take on it and I hope they never saw it.

[826] But through your time at Second City and I -O, you end up on S &L, and it sounds like we both kind of just worship that place.

[827] Beforehead, yes.

[828] Beforehand, that's the finish line for a improv sketch comedian, right?

[829] Yes.

[830] That's where the natural line goes to, right?

[831] You're there or what are you going to do, right?

[832] It's really narrow focus.

[833] Although, when I got it, I thought, oh, this show's probably run its course.

[834] That's what you thought.

[835] I had.

[836] I thought, you know what?

[837] It might be just too old and tired.

[838] They You'd probably just go, ah, we're good.

[839] Is it still on?

[840] Yeah.

[841] Yeah, it's launched a couple folks since your tenure.

[842] So we weren't having a great season because there's the first season for Mad TV and then Howard Stern had a late night show.

[843] So the ratings slipped just a little bit.

[844] Right.

[845] No, was Will already on the show?

[846] No, he and I were hired the same day.

[847] Same day.

[848] Same day.

[849] Two, six foot three.

[850] Gorgeous.

[851] Pirsely.

[852] Marginly amusing.

[853] Piercy Nyes.

[854] Bernie Sanders -sized dong So you guys got hired By the way, dog's overrated girls Anyway Don't have to tell the girls Girls know that Yeah they've been over it from the gat Them What if all of a sudden We'd just arrows went through us And then they carried Monica out On a sedan chair And made her the queen of Chicago I'd be so happy.

[855] That'd be great.

[856] I think you're the rightful heir of Oprah.

[857] I think you should become, yeah.

[858] Okay.

[859] I'll take it.

[860] So you got on the show and you thought that, is part of that your own pessimism just as a person?

[861] Like, well, if I'm here, this must not be going anywhere.

[862] Because that's the kind of self -doubt I have.

[863] I didn't have that because I thought...

[864] You're the best thing on the show?

[865] Well, no. But I thought, well, yeah, this is my turn.

[866] I really did believe that.

[867] What age were you when you...

[868] I was 33.

[869] But I didn't start...

[870] show business, so I was 24.

[871] So, yeah, I had not planned to, so you get a six -year contract.

[872] I'm a bit oppositional, as you know.

[873] Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.

[874] And that was so polite.

[875] Mm -hmm.

[876] Mm -hmm.

[877] And I don't suffer fools gladly, as an old Irish saying.

[878] Right.

[879] So if you're kind of a dick and you don't know what's going on, I'm like, ah, I might not give you the respect.

[880] You are accorded by being a human being, which everyone should be respected that way, but, right.

[881] Oftentimes on the show, they go, why don't you do this?

[882] go, that's what's wrong with this show.

[883] Uh -huh.

[884] They're not asking me. It was there long before you came?

[885] Yes.

[886] Long after you left.

[887] Yes.

[888] So I think that probably hastened my offing of the show.

[889] And I called this one guy who was a big shot, a hack, and it got to him.

[890] But I still stand by it, and I'm not going to tell you his name.

[891] But there was one writer I was writing with, and I mentioned that this other guy I thought was a hack, and I still believe that.

[892] And I didn't know this guy was close to that guy.

[893] and rather than him in the room go, what the fuck, man, that's my buddy.

[894] He mopes around for a week until the other guy goes, what's wrong?

[895] He goes, Kekner called you a hack.

[896] So, anyway.

[897] So let me ask you this.

[898] So I got to ask you a serious question because I was kicked out of the groundlings and I was very embarrassed by that.

[899] And then I had about 80 theories on why that had happened.

[900] My talent was never part of the reasons.

[901] It's true.

[902] You know, maybe I wasn't as good as I thought.

[903] It's quite likely, and maybe I was not deferential to the people who deserve to have some respect that built the place.

[904] You know, a lot of stuff was not cool that I did.

[905] No. But I was embarrassed as hell because I had dedicated the last six or seven years of my life to this thing.

[906] Oh, it was that long.

[907] And then, and I didn't end up on Sarah Ant Live, and I didn't, wasn't on a TV show, and I was like, wow.

[908] So that's the end of the line.

[909] And so I was like, the ride is completely over, and it was fucking brutal.

[910] Yeah.

[911] So I have to imagine doing just a year on SNL was fucking brutal.

[912] Whether you wanted to get out of there or not.

[913] Let's even say you wanted to leave.

[914] I wanted to do it on my terms, right?

[915] And I didn't.

[916] And it hurt like a mother.

[917] Yeah, because it's a very public thing.

[918] Oh, yeah.

[919] The thing that helped a little bit was Lauren did not want me to go.

[920] The ratings had dipped a little bit because of competition in late night.

[921] So he was forced to make changes, whether he wanted to or not.

[922] So myself, Nancy Walls, who's Steve Carell's wife now, It was then as well.

[923] Very, very nice lady that hung with her, yeah.

[924] And very funny, too.

[925] Second City alum.

[926] And then Martin McKinney is going to be let go, too.

[927] So Lauren could protect one pawn, basically.

[928] And he had a long relationship with Martin McKinney going back to kids in the hall.

[929] So I understood that.

[930] But it was really puzzling.

[931] I had a very successful year.

[932] Yeah, well, listen, I remembered you so well from that year.

[933] 100%.

[934] There was two people who I was like, why, because I was younger.

[935] I'm a little younger than you.

[936] And I was like, wait, I'm confused how this works.

[937] The other one was like Sarah Silverman.

[938] I loved her, and she would do a weekend update.

[939] And I was just like, wait, what happened to that person?

[940] Right.

[941] And again, never understanding how any of it worked.

[942] Lauren told me in my final meeting, Dave, you're on the radar.

[943] You'll do fine.

[944] Oh, that's a great speech.

[945] Yeah.

[946] Yeah, it was nice.

[947] But right away, I came out and got a holding deal immediately in Los Angeles, so that was good.

[948] Oh, that's helpful.

[949] I did show up.

[950] People did know who I was.

[951] It was like, that helped.

[952] But it hurt like a motherfucker, and I don't want it the same way you did.

[953] but a little more traditional way.

[954] So it was beer in about a pound and a half of cocaine.

[955] Right, right.

[956] Which I'd never recommend.

[957] More, more wholesome approach to, yeah.

[958] And also, numbing out the pain.

[959] It's comforting to know that because you're doing cocaine, someone's dying, literally getting shot for you, somewhere in South America.

[960] That's the silver lining of it.

[961] Yeah, that's true.

[962] You're snorting down.

[963] It also helps to know it's potentially been in someone's ass as they walked across the Tijuana border.

[964] I always like that aspect.

[965] And no one ever cuts it with anything you shouldn't put in your body.

[966] Well, that's what's funny is there was always one person in the line when you were doing Coke.

[967] They had their own dollar bill.

[968] Like they didn't want to be in other people's nose.

[969] Great policy.

[970] But I would occasionally be like, what were snortings been in someone's asshole?

[971] You're worried about what's on my nose?

[972] Yeah.

[973] Pretty prim and proper all of a sudden banging rails.

[974] Like, we're doing electrical damage to our hearts.

[975] Yes.

[976] You're worried about my fucking.

[977] H1N1 swine flu?

[978] Don't we all have Hep C?

[979] So you make a living, you get by, but then you have an explosion, obviously.

[980] Like 2004 to 2006 is a pretty incredible ride.

[981] Two years, folks, nothing like...

[982] No, I mean...

[983] I know, I don't...

[984] No, no, you've had a fucking great...

[985] I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

[986] Yeah, 20 -year career, but I'm saying...

[987] I know.

[988] I got a lot right then.

[989] Things start.

[990] started popping.

[991] And you're in one of the biggest movies of the year.

[992] You do Anchorman.

[993] You're exceptional.

[994] Some of these guys were old friends.

[995] You'd met Will Ferrell on S &L.

[996] You guys got along well.

[997] Adam McKay, he wrote and directed it.

[998] Steve Carell, I'd known for years.

[999] The best.

[1000] The best.

[1001] Maybe the nicest person alive, right?

[1002] He's pretty amazing.

[1003] Pretty stellar.

[1004] But Paul, that's the only person I had not met was Paul and Christina.

[1005] The symmetry of all those guys, the geometry, the way it just worked, I wondered watching it.

[1006] How much of that was improvved?

[1007] We'd shoot what's scripted three times.

[1008] Okay.

[1009] So you have it.

[1010] Right.

[1011] And then we would improvise every scene after that.

[1012] Now, it's not every director who's adept at doing that.

[1013] Right.

[1014] Wrangling it or...

[1015] McCay will throw things out that he wants you to play with, right?

[1016] Okay.

[1017] And you say, okay, let's let the squirrel out of the bag, is what Adam would say.

[1018] He would throw out ten different things that are funnier than what we just did.

[1019] He's just immense and incredible.

[1020] Yeah.

[1021] But anyway, he would throw out ideas on...

[1022] Anchorman, one, to, like, play with this or this thought, that kind of thing, and then you would just get to play.

[1023] And so I think the thing that maybe heightens what happened in Anchorman is, you know, look, your job as an actor anyway is to listen, but really a lot of actors are just doing this.

[1024] My turn?

[1025] Okay.

[1026] Yeah, I'm listening for my turn.

[1027] I'm listening.

[1028] So you're not fully engaged, but if you're improvising, you have to.

[1029] You've got to be listening.

[1030] So I think chemically, that changes the timbre of what's going on a little bit.

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] Because even when you're just doing the scripted stuff, you know later we're going to improvise.

[1033] So it kind of raises the level of attention, if you will.

[1034] Is it the most fun you've ever had acting?

[1035] Well, you and I are acting together, so I'm not going to say that.

[1036] No, you can say it.

[1037] What an incredible group.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] I would say that.

[1040] And then there's another smaller movie I did that I want you to all watch, but it's not for kids and it's not necessarily a comedy.

[1041] Cheap Thrills was another special experience.

[1042] It was just, yeah, it's good.

[1043] It's a drama.

[1044] Yes.

[1045] Yes.

[1046] It's twisted.

[1047] Well, I want to say this to you, and I'm sincere.

[1048] We had an episode this season of Bless This Mess where Dave's son cuts his thumb off with a machete.

[1049] And it was really, really funny.

[1050] And I've worked with Dave at that time, you know, seven different projects.

[1051] But I was floored with what a good actor you are.

[1052] I mean, I was floored.

[1053] It's a heightened, I mean, it's a preposterous scene.

[1054] It's a kid cutting his thumb off.

[1055] but then there's a hospital scene and you're so emotional you're crying I'm supposed to be kind of annoyed by the whole thing which is hard for me because I'm getting I want to hug you you're there and it's for a comedy but that's my favorite kind of comedic acting which is like you're not in on the joke you're really playing and that your son is hurt and you were just beautiful in that scene I mean it's cutting away that's comedic but you were crying on every single take you didn't care if they made you do 10 more I was getting protective of you I'm not I'm like, you guys got it.

[1056] How many times you're going to make Kekner fucking do this?

[1057] It's killing me. I was actually loving it.

[1058] You don't get a cry that often.

[1059] As a comedian.

[1060] Although my daughter, Audrey, goes, you're bad at that dad.

[1061] Oh, yeah.

[1062] They're so kind, aren't they, my kids.

[1063] My daughter told me my bird was ugly.

[1064] That's what we call a penis in a...

[1065] It's also what we call vaginas.

[1066] Yeah, it's a catch -all for genitalia.

[1067] I mean, we also say vagina and penis.

[1068] But we also, I grew up calling it a bird.

[1069] My mom would be like, you're bird itchy?

[1070] I'm like, huh?

[1071] Oh, no. Just tugging on it.

[1072] But I was peeing in my six -year -old who was then five, she just goes, Dad, why is your bird ugly?

[1073] What'd you say?

[1074] Well, honey, you're going to see a lot of ugly ones.

[1075] You think this is ugly.

[1076] Wait until you get on the scene.

[1077] This is considered a good -looking one.

[1078] So you're trying to, tremendous actor.

[1079] You were also incredibly good, and I was so glad you got the opportunity to do it, and thank you for smoking.

[1080] Yeah, thank you.

[1081] I mean, you're with Aaron Eckhart, who's a bad motherfucker, and you're holding your own and then some in all those scenes.

[1082] You're incredible on that.

[1083] You can do it all, and I've been really just blown away and impressed by being next to you so many times.

[1084] Genuinely.

[1085] Yeah, you can do all the things, and I hope you get to do all the things.

[1086] Stay tuned for more live show after this exciting commercial break.

[1087] all been there.

[1088] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[1089] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[1090] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[1091] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[1092] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[1093] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[1094] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[1095] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[1096] What's up, guys, this is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good, and I'm diving into the brains of interesting.

[1097] entertainment's best and brightest.

[1098] Okay, every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[1099] And I don't mean just friends.

[1100] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[1101] The list goes on.

[1102] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[1103] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[1104] Before we go tonight, I also want to say a much bigger part of Dave Kekner than being tremendous comedian and a great actor is he also has five children, which is three too many children to have.

[1105] That's agreed.

[1106] You would agree.

[1107] That's agreed.

[1108] And I met you when you had two.

[1109] Yes.

[1110] Charlie and Margo.

[1111] Margo.

[1112] Beautiful kids.

[1113] I would have stopped there.

[1114] Perfect.

[1115] So would I. Yeah.

[1116] Not because the other three are lesser than.

[1117] Just like, I would have some more money.

[1118] But you went on a journey that was one of the craziest.

[1119] stories I've ever heard with number five number five yeah so we got married we got pregnant right away so got married in June we were pregnant in September uh no one should probably look at me in the eye birthday girl uh -oh you're with child my bird my bird works it's a potent bird it's a potent bird daddy why's your bird so potent so potent so so Okay, we get married, and then we get pregnant right away, and then everything's going great.

[1120] And then five weeks before Charlie was to be born, my wife wakes up in the middle of the night, and she's bleeding.

[1121] So I thought, you know what, let's go to the hospital.

[1122] Sure.

[1123] Genius.

[1124] Great idea.

[1125] Novel idea.

[1126] Very novel.

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] We go there.

[1129] They're doing an emergency C -section.

[1130] Right.

[1131] Yeah.

[1132] Middle of the night.

[1133] And I will say, I do this story in my stand -up, so there might be.

[1134] some jokes coming along as well.

[1135] So anyway, Charlie's out in 20 minutes, because that's the way it works.

[1136] C -section, boom, he's out.

[1137] I go over and I take a picture with a disposable camera of Charlie, and I don't have time to tell you what a disposable camera is.

[1138] Oh, I know what a disposable camera is.

[1139] They're very retro.

[1140] They're back in.

[1141] And I'm heading back to my wife's side, and the doctor, female doctor, she looks up from my wife's stomach like this.

[1142] And my first thought was, are you stealing?

[1143] something?

[1144] Did I just catch you?

[1145] Were there gold coins in my wife's uterus?

[1146] God damn it.

[1147] Better than a goose.

[1148] So, as it turns out, it's much more dire than that, my wife had a rare thing called placenta acrita.

[1149] Normally the placenta grows up to the uterus, and when it's time to go, the placenta says to the uterus, hey man, great hang.

[1150] But you hear all the excitement going on out there.

[1151] I've been here since the begin.

[1152] Imagine the reception I'm going to get.

[1153] Sloos is out.

[1154] Wait do they see this bag come out.

[1155] I'm going to be there for life.

[1156] Sleuces out right to the garbage.

[1157] Like, what the fuck?

[1158] I could be a hat.

[1159] Hey, come on.

[1160] So that's normal.

[1161] But in placenta, acrita, the placenta grows into the uterus.

[1162] When it's time to go, it's like, fuck that shit.

[1163] I'm not going to be a hat.

[1164] So the result is my wife is bleeding to death for three and a half hours on the operating table and they're trying to stop the bleeding because now the uterus is kind of like a colander just holes so you can't really stop it so after three and a half hours they say hey listen we're going to have to take your wife's uterus or she's not going to make it and i say you go ahead and take that uterus because i'm not going to raise that kid by myself yes right i'm not selfish right very very generous so but also when it comes to making decisions female reproduction, you should probably ask the oldest middle -aged white guy in the room.

[1165] Yeah.

[1166] Ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha.

[1167] Or if it's a macro -decision, like legislation, it should be old, rich, white guys.

[1168] They should make the choices for all of us.

[1169] I agree.

[1170] I agree.

[1171] Or you could fucking vote.

[1172] Whatever you want to do.

[1173] So, anyway, they come to us the next day and they say, well, thank God you're alive.

[1174] All right, no lawsuit.

[1175] What else?

[1176] They said, you can still have your own children because we left your ovaries.

[1177] And if you remember from fifth grade biology, the ovaries are on the outside of the uterus and they look kind of like upside down calumari.

[1178] The good crunchy ones.

[1179] You know, when you order calamari for the table, we all know the rules.

[1180] You take four O's and one crunchy one.

[1181] You can't be a dick about this.

[1182] You're going, I just like that crunchy ones.

[1183] Don't be a fucking asshole.

[1184] it's for the table So Then we investigate gestational surrogacy Now it's a business There's an agency you go to They match you with a woman who's already signed up To do it who's already had her own children And that you actually give them the storybook of your life And why you are dependent on them to carry your children And then you agree to work together And then you buy a truck and you fill it full of money And you leave it right there And the next procedure is they take eggs from my wife's calamari And then I of course have a medical...

[1185] Makes it with your charter sauce.

[1186] I The medical term is I have to pull cum from my cock.

[1187] Okay, sure, sure.

[1188] Very scientific.

[1189] Is that Latin?

[1190] We won't know.

[1191] until Monday when she does her fact check.

[1192] Pussy Pachydermis?

[1193] So they lead me into this small room, a pretty sterile room with a metal table, and hand me this cup, and there's a penthouse from 1989 there.

[1194] And I'm like, that'll get it.

[1195] I would have came just from the nostalgia.

[1196] When's the last time I've seen hair?

[1197] I love it.

[1198] So anyway, then I hand it to the nurse.

[1199] I'm pretty sure she winked at me. And then again, I'm not a doctor.

[1200] I don't know what happens, but my guess is my wife's eggs are in a series of petri dishes, and then they take the lid off and probably just, you know.

[1201] Yeah.

[1202] There's so much of it.

[1203] Nowadays, they're putting it in a t -shirt can and just blasting all this.

[1204] Anyway, just pretty sure that's how it goes.

[1205] Again, not a doctor.

[1206] On that day, we got 11 embryos.

[1207] Hey, Dave, no one in here thinks you're a doctor.

[1208] Just going forward, no one's going to ask you to give them a pap smear at the end of this.

[1209] I thought I had her fooled.

[1210] So anyway, we got 11 embryos, use the first three, put them in our surrogate, and we get her daughter Margo.

[1211] They put the other two groups in two groups of four, and they freeze them.

[1212] But once we got Margo, I'm like, we're good.

[1213] Boy girl, we're good.

[1214] And my wife goes, no, no, those are babies.

[1215] Oh.

[1216] And I thought, well.

[1217] Oh, boy.

[1218] I thought she'll probably forget about it because she can't find her fucking tease.

[1219] And you know, here's the thing.

[1220] Guys oftentimes forget to follow up.

[1221] Like a conversation like, oh, shit, we've got 11.

[1222] Are we going to use them all?

[1223] Let's say, I don't know, guys.

[1224] For some reason, if you woke up.

[1225] tomorrow it's a conversation you never have you wake up and like honey by the way if in the future for some reason we get i don't know 11 embryos would we have to use them and the wife goes yeah you go i thought so too i just want to make sure we're on the same page yeah yeah yeah sure now i'm gonna go back to sleep hopefully forever so we've got eight left in two groups of four and a couple years later my wife said we should try that again i'm like what happened Another truck, agency, all that stuff, thaw out the first group of four, and there's three viable ones.

[1226] Surrogate, boom, we get the twins.

[1227] Oops.

[1228] So now there's two boys and two girls that's two pair.

[1229] I don't know if you guys play cards.

[1230] I would bet Raisin call on two pair.

[1231] I don't even want the fifth card.

[1232] Yeah, you don't even mean to see it.

[1233] So my wife's a couple years later, like, we should try those.

[1234] Sometimes what I'll do is I'll gather all the kids around the fire, And I'll go to the ATM and pull out whatever's in there.

[1235] And I will just go, look, kids, this is how you were born.

[1236] So, I forgot to set this whole thing up with a different joke at the top, but it doesn't matter.

[1237] You have four kids.

[1238] Your wife goes, we got to get a fifth.

[1239] Do you go, why?

[1240] Like, are we starting a religion?

[1241] Are we, do we live on a...

[1242] 600 acre farm I don't know about Well my wife Oh because they were alive She believed they were babies Okay great okay And you know I just felt like I can't make That moral choice for her Right You know this last group they'd been You know there for 10 years I'm like they're not gonna work Right Okay I got you You know the guy You were like optimistically pessimistic Right Yeah When a guy decides in advance What's gonna happen It doesn't Right So we get pregnant right away, and at the two -month sonogram, they can see everything these days.

[1243] The doctor's like, hey, you're the couple?

[1244] Listen, we need to talk to you.

[1245] We see something.

[1246] That's good.

[1247] So we go in there, and they say, listen, there's something really wrong with your daughter.

[1248] Her limbs are going to be twisted.

[1249] They're twisted.

[1250] Her brain's not growing.

[1251] She's got all these markers where she won't even know who you are.

[1252] She's probably going to have to have two heart operations in the first year.

[1253] You should go ahead and terminate.

[1254] Now, I don't make judgments about anybody's body or do whatever you want to do, but in this particular instance, I'd already spent a lot of money.

[1255] You're what we call in gambling pot committed.

[1256] So now I'm in a high -stakes game of poker with, I don't know who.

[1257] Right.

[1258] Maybe the Lord and the Devil, who's at the table?

[1259] I don't know.

[1260] All I know is...

[1261] If you don't know who the fish is, you're the fish.

[1262] You're the fish.

[1263] Yeah, yeah.

[1264] So, anyway, I'm all in.

[1265] Like, fuck it.

[1266] Give me that fifth card.

[1267] So we keep going.

[1268] The news gets worse and worse every month.

[1269] The woman who was assigned to our case would cry when she saw us on the list.

[1270] That's how bad it was, right?

[1271] Really quick.

[1272] Are you, if it were me, I'm like, okay, so my life will now be on a really permanent trajectory.

[1273] It'll be over.

[1274] My whole life will be in service, yes.

[1275] Yeah, that's it.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] And how did you sit with that?

[1278] I'm like, well, that's interrupt it.

[1279] It just, it was what it was and you were trying to get to acceptance mode as quickly as well.

[1280] My wife's response was she's going to have the most kick -ass wheelchair anyone's ever seen.

[1281] Well, that's cute.

[1282] Yeah, that's cute.

[1283] So anyway, but, yeah, you know, I'm like, well, okay, here we go.

[1284] Yeah.

[1285] So get worse or worse.

[1286] Fifth Month sonogram, I came in from, I was in Canada shooting Final Destination Five.

[1287] You're welcome.

[1288] DVDs for sale in the lobby.

[1289] Slashy prices on those, by the way.

[1290] I don't know where you find a player, but just to have it, I think, is really.

[1291] So anyway, they're doing the fifth month sonogram.

[1292] Nice big plasma screen TV.

[1293] And halfway through the middle of the gal goes, this is miraculous, there's nothing wrong with your daughter.

[1294] And my wife's like, what do you mean miraculous?

[1295] She's like, she seems to be fine.

[1296] As it turns out, what had happened was our surrogate, her daughter had a thing called Fifth's disease, which is rare, and it's just a one -day rash on the face and the belly, then it goes away, but it can be fatal to a fetus, and normally is.

[1297] And so in Eve's case, what happened was she got a thing called parvovirus that was causing all these markers and her body to react the way it did.

[1298] So she was so kick -ass, she shut her body down, fought that off, and then nine months later she was born perfectly healthy.

[1299] The best news is, best news is, she looked just like her dad.

[1300] Now, fellas, imagine this nice shirt, short skirt.

[1301] That's incredible.

[1302] Thank God she looks like her mother.

[1303] She's beautiful.

[1304] But, yeah, so that was the thing.

[1305] And, you know, who knew that was going to be my life in terms of all of these children and the way we're going to have them?

[1306] Yeah.

[1307] I couldn't have fathomed that, you know, but it's fun.

[1308] It's loud.

[1309] Yeah.

[1310] Costs a little bit of money.

[1311] Do you notice I stopped coming over after you had a third one?

[1312] Yeah, yeah.

[1313] But I'll say this.

[1314] They all love each other.

[1315] And my daughters, I've asked them how many kids they're going to have.

[1316] and I always thought they were going to say none.

[1317] Sure.

[1318] Given what's going on in our house.

[1319] But Margot and Audrey both said four.

[1320] I was like, wow, okay.

[1321] I haven't fucked up too bad.

[1322] Yeah.

[1323] They're good people.

[1324] Margo, three boys have come out to her.

[1325] Like, they knew that she was a safe harbor and a person whose heart is as deep and wide as the people of Chicago.

[1326] And Bernie Sanders Dick.

[1327] There it is.

[1328] Thank you for bringing it home.

[1329] You guys, Dave Kekner, one of the most beautiful people to ever come out of Chicago.

[1330] Thank Dave Kekner for flying here from Los Angeles.

[1331] Thank my soulmate, modest, miles.

[1332] Thanks, guys.

[1333] Thanks again for being the perfect audience.

[1334] We hope you'll have us back.

[1335] Good night.

[1336] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1337] Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

[1338] I, aye, aye, aye, you check of the facts of this show.

[1339] You check of the facts of this show.

[1340] Aye, aye, aye, aye.

[1341] Wow.

[1342] Hi, hi, aye, aye.

[1343] And welcome to the fact check.

[1344] Hello.

[1345] This is not a moonlight fact check.

[1346] People should know.

[1347] It's a dead heat fact check.

[1348] Yeah, it's warm in here.

[1349] Well, you've got a pretty dense sweatshirt on.

[1350] No. No. This is a turtleneck sweater.

[1351] Sweeter, that's what I meant.

[1352] But it is short -sleeved.

[1353] Not short enough, as it turns out.

[1354] Just a little bit too long of a sleep.

[1355] Yeah.

[1356] But you're real hot.

[1357] It's sweaty in here.

[1358] Yeah, yeah.

[1359] I'm uncomfortable when I'm sweaty.

[1360] But you're waffling.

[1361] You're right.

[1362] Because you said recently.

[1363] I got to pick a lane.

[1364] Yes, that you would far prefer to be hot than cold.

[1365] And I think I stand by that.

[1366] Oh, okay.

[1367] Really, I just like to be comfortable.

[1368] Yeah, temperate.

[1369] Yeah.

[1370] We all, I think we all do.

[1371] Guess what?

[1372] What?

[1373] I'm glad we're doing this today.

[1374] Uh -oh.

[1375] I feel like I'm in trouble.

[1376] You are.

[1377] You always are.

[1378] No, Dave Kekner.

[1379] Yes.

[1380] And I have the same birthday.

[1381] Oh, you sure do.

[1382] And it's tomorrow.

[1383] Yes.

[1384] Yeah, and I have to text him.

[1385] He's been talking all week about it.

[1386] He has.

[1387] He has.

[1388] In fact, he did ask me for your info and I was like, yeah, I'll give it to you.

[1389] And then I simply forgot.

[1390] I think he wanted to check in on you.

[1391] Yeah, he said that he was going to call me on my birthday, and I guess he's sticking to his word, and we're going to connect.

[1392] Yeah, maybe you guys will go out for a birthday coffee or something.

[1393] That'd be fun.

[1394] It would, right?

[1395] He says he does that.

[1396] He, like, has birthday buddies that share his birthday or something, and they all do something.

[1397] Birthday buddies who don't, what if they didn't share his friends?

[1398] They were just guys who loved birthdays.

[1399] Oh, I would be a birthday buddy in that case.

[1400] I like going to people's birthdays, celebrating them.

[1401] Yeah, yeah.

[1402] Making them feel good, giving them presents.

[1403] But yes, Kekner has birthday buddies.

[1404] But, you know, it wasn't my place to do this.

[1405] But, and I also knew he was going to say no, but I actually invited him to your birthday party tomorrow night because he brought it up that it was your birthday.

[1406] Yeah.

[1407] And then they sang to him today on set, which he hated.

[1408] And I said, what are you doing for your birthday?

[1409] And he said nothing.

[1410] Oh, yeah.

[1411] And then I was like, Do you want to come to Monica's birthday?

[1412] I really was like, well, maybe you should come celebrate it with us with Monica.

[1413] Yeah, well, oh, man. He's like, oh, I can.

[1414] You know, he went from having no plans to plans.

[1415] Well, I know.

[1416] I don't think that.

[1417] Listen, I'd love for him to come to my birthday.

[1418] Right.

[1419] Also.

[1420] Under different circumstances.

[1421] Well, no, it's just that we're going to Houston's for my birthday, and they only let you bring six people.

[1422] I know.

[1423] This is already a problem because there's seven.

[1424] There's seven of us.

[1425] Invitees.

[1426] Oh, things have gone.

[1427] I'll get my own table.

[1428] You six can all sit there and I will take one for the birthday team.

[1429] I'm willing to be alone.

[1430] I want you to be at my birthday.

[1431] Okay.

[1432] Well, then who we get kicking out?

[1433] Me, I guess.

[1434] Okay.

[1435] There's only room for six.

[1436] Well, that could be a weird voyeuristic perverse fantasy is that you wanted to watch.

[1437] your friends celebrate your birthday and you actually didn't want to be present.

[1438] So you sat at a table by yourself staring at the sixth top celebrating you.

[1439] That feels like something Michael Jackson would have done.

[1440] Oof.

[1441] Yeah, that's true.

[1442] That fantasy is bad in so many ways.

[1443] Yes, it's like wanting to attend your own funeral.

[1444] Right, but it's also, yeah, it's like, what is everyone saying about me?

[1445] But also like, well, and the assumption is you're so confident and and it's positive that you'd want to watch.

[1446] Yeah, and they're even going to be talking about you.

[1447] Right.

[1448] Like, they're probably not.

[1449] But the person that would host this kind of party is certain they're going to talk about her.

[1450] That's true.

[1451] And positively.

[1452] And positively.

[1453] But it's also, like, sort of martyry.

[1454] Like, I'll just not.

[1455] Sure.

[1456] Just let you guys enjoy my birthday.

[1457] And it's fine.

[1458] Like, I'll be over here in this one person seat.

[1459] Uh -huh.

[1460] This high chair by myself.

[1461] I'm going to be in a high chair.

[1462] It's fine.

[1463] No, it's fine.

[1464] You guys just enjoy it, okay?

[1465] I'll pay for it.

[1466] Hold on.

[1467] I may have just solved this.

[1468] Okay.

[1469] Oh, my goodness.

[1470] What a breakthrough.

[1471] Oh, what?

[1472] Of course, it's only six.

[1473] But I'm sure if there's six people in a baby, you could put the baby seat on the table.

[1474] And that wouldn't count.

[1475] And you could put you in the baby seat.

[1476] What a hack.

[1477] Oh, we did it.

[1478] Did I just solve this whole thing?

[1479] Thank you.

[1480] Yes.

[1481] That's what we'll do.

[1482] That is what we'll do.

[1483] Those.

[1484] Those hang.

[1485] hanging high chairs with no legs stick on the table it's just a piece of the table it's not seating I bet I could fit in that oh for sure yeah for sure there's big some big baby diners oh yeah you know good size baby diners sure what does that make me think about Uncle baby Billy God I've been posting about righteous gemstones all week long it's suspicious like we've been hired by HBO don't like it this much I know and to talk about it this But today I posted about another show, Fleabag.

[1486] Oh, because what?

[1487] Emmy nominations?

[1488] No, because I got this pin.

[1489] Oh, right.

[1490] I saw your, in fact, I saw your post, which I liked.

[1491] And then I went to your page to see how many followers you had.

[1492] I did that.

[1493] I did that today.

[1494] I don't think I've looked at that.

[1495] Maybe ever.

[1496] Yeah.

[1497] Why would you?

[1498] I don't know.

[1499] Yeah.

[1500] Why would I?

[1501] So I went and looked.

[1502] And you have a lot of followers.

[1503] Yeah, I do.

[1504] I know.

[1505] They're all arm cherries, so thank you.

[1506] The best followers you could possibly have.

[1507] Yeah.

[1508] I just loved it.

[1509] I was wondering, like, oh, so Monica's starting to get hired to post stuff.

[1510] They're approaching you about that.

[1511] And I thought, oh, I wonder how many followers someone has to have where they start offering that.

[1512] Right.

[1513] Or let's just leave the brand out.

[1514] You got offered a trash bag campaign.

[1515] Can we just call it that?

[1516] Oh, my goodness, I don't think I've ever said that sentence in my life.

[1517] Oh, no, shit, you got offered the trash bag campaign.

[1518] I don't know if I can leave it or not.

[1519] It's just like the lightbulb campaign or the floor.

[1520] No, it's worse.

[1521] It's worse.

[1522] You're right.

[1523] It's worse.

[1524] It's like a mop campaign.

[1525] Because, no, it sounds like you're just using a euphemism.

[1526] Like, oh, you got that trash campaign.

[1527] You're right.

[1528] If someone heard that sentence, they would assume you were referring to some project they got as that.

[1529] Yes, exactly.

[1530] Oh, my goodness, you're right.

[1531] Do you understand what I'm saying?

[1532] Yes to that trash bag offer?

[1533] Yeah.

[1534] Anyways, let's talk about, though, how we could have made sweet lemonade out of lemons.

[1535] Okay, well, I guess I could have...

[1536] Were there any suggested angles?

[1537] No, it was very first step.

[1538] Oh, okay, Greg.

[1539] Or preliminary.

[1540] I guess what I would have done is just...

[1541] filled these bags with Oreos and turned it into an Oreo campaign.

[1542] Okay.

[1543] Well, that's smart.

[1544] That's like the politician thing.

[1545] Answer the question you wish they asked.

[1546] That's right.

[1547] I always say dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.

[1548] Oh my God.

[1549] There's so much of wisdom being ballayed about.

[1550] That's right.

[1551] Like today, why I'm wearing a turtleneck sweater and heat.

[1552] You were trying to will some coolness.

[1553] Yeah, I wanted it to be on.

[1554] But by the way, it wasn't that hot outside today.

[1555] It was kind of nice, at least up in a Hellfire Canyon where I work.

[1556] Yeah, you have been in the heat.

[1557] The heat.

[1558] It was on a tree yesterday for nine hours on a branch.

[1559] Just baking.

[1560] It was more the, it's impossible to sit on something cylindrical without your legs falling asleep.

[1561] Oh, no. It's just sitting on a foam roller for nine hours.

[1562] But Kekner and I, who were on the branch together, were having a field.

[1563] between the two of us about this.

[1564] Everyone thinks it's so glamorous.

[1565] And really it's sitting on a janky tree stump or limb for nine hours.

[1566] It's not all fun and games.

[1567] But there's a lot of fun and games involved.

[1568] But also mostly fun and games.

[1569] So I used to sit on a roof for long hours, as do many people.

[1570] But I didn't have Dave Kekner next to me. That's true.

[1571] But you had Aaron Weekly.

[1572] That's true.

[1573] God, you just flipped it on me. Yeah.

[1574] Oh, and we're talking about Dave.

[1575] I know.

[1576] Kind of perfectly happened.

[1577] Circled back around.

[1578] We meant to do that.

[1579] Okay, so you said that gators are very tender lovers.

[1580] Alligators?

[1581] Yeah.

[1582] Or Florida gators.

[1583] I think you meant alligators.

[1584] Oh.

[1585] And I don't think that's true at all.

[1586] Oh, without even.

[1587] I didn't look it up.

[1588] Okay.

[1589] You're just kind of more counterpointing.

[1590] Yeah, yeah.

[1591] I don't think so.

[1592] Well, by the way, how rough could they be?

[1593] Because they have those stubby little arms.

[1594] I don't even sure how they're holding one another.

[1595] The other thing I don't understand is that eight -foot tails covering the vagina, is it not?

[1596] No. What do you mean?

[1597] Why would it be covering the vagina?

[1598] Well, every single animal rear mounts in the animal kingdom.

[1599] Okay.

[1600] You know what I'm saying?

[1601] Picture two horses right now or two zebras.

[1602] Are you picturing or a line line is?

[1603] Yeah, but I don't really know what that looks like, really.

[1604] It looks like doggy style.

[1605] Oh.

[1606] Oh.

[1607] You know what I'm saying?

[1608] Yeah, yeah.

[1609] Oh, and you're saying the tails in the way.

[1610] The alligator go doggy style.

[1611] They must go belly to belly or something because how we, A, he can't lift that tail up.

[1612] B. Yeah, they do missionary.

[1613] Now again, have you ever seen footage of crocodiles making love?

[1614] And if they do do it missionary, then my statement was dead right.

[1615] Well, no. You can still be not gentle and be, do.

[1616] missionary.

[1617] But picture to missionary alligators.

[1618] That could only be gentle.

[1619] That part of their belly, it's the only part that's not scaly.

[1620] Yeah, it's like their soft part.

[1621] But they're not like kissing and stuff because then they'll kill each other.

[1622] You know, even if they do hump belly to belly, I bet it's on their side.

[1623] There's no way one gets completely on its back.

[1624] These photos look like they do it in the water.

[1625] Upside down in the water.

[1626] Well, we hadn't thought of that.

[1627] Upside down.

[1628] Like one of Them is upside down.

[1629] Missionary.

[1630] Yeah, but more in a V where they're just kind of banging their penis areas.

[1631] I got some pictures if you want.

[1632] I want to see.

[1633] Yeah.

[1634] Well, it is doggy style.

[1635] Wait, it is?

[1636] Yes.

[1637] This is just a big blur.

[1638] I don't know.

[1639] I don't know.

[1640] It really causes more questions than it answers.

[1641] The photo's confused the issue.

[1642] Yeah, this one is on top of the other one.

[1643] Like doggy style, right?

[1644] But there's no. Like, has he twisted?

[1645] But did he twist his hips clockwise and she counterclockwise so that made it?

[1646] I don't think they can unhinge like that.

[1647] Ritculate?

[1648] Can they?

[1649] I don't think so.

[1650] Who knows?

[1651] The wonders of a crocodile.

[1652] Well, okay, the question remains, I guess.

[1653] I guess maybe they are tender.

[1654] I don't know.

[1655] Also, crocodiles aren't the same as alligators.

[1656] What if they have completely different ways of making love?

[1657] Well, I have to assume.

[1658] I have to assume that they're all doing it, yeah, the same way, crocs and alleys and saltwater crockies.

[1659] Oh, wow.

[1660] Okay, so he said, I hate to do this on his birthday, but I have to.

[1661] He said the oldest prison in the country is inside Joliet prison where you guys shot, let's go to prison.

[1662] Well, I don't even think they were in Illinois for long, long after they got here.

[1663] But I guess it was like another tinier prison inside Joliet prison.

[1664] Yeah, but surely they would have had to build prisons in Boston and in Philadelphia.

[1665] Well, yeah.

[1666] Long before they ever went to Illinois.

[1667] He is wrong.

[1668] Yeah.

[1669] So the New Jersey penitentiary house was the first state prison.

[1670] Wait, hold on.

[1671] I wish you'd put your glasses on.

[1672] Why?

[1673] Okay.

[1674] Just listen to this sentence, okay?

[1675] Okay, okay.

[1676] The 1798 New Jersey Penitentiary House, which was the first state prison in New Jersey and the third in the nation after the Walnut Street Jail in Philadelphia and New Gate in New York City is also the oldest building still in operation as part of an active working prison in the United States.

[1677] Got it.

[1678] Wow.

[1679] Okay, so Newgate was first, sounds like, New York City.

[1680] Philly.

[1681] Mm -hmm, Walnut Street Jail.

[1682] and now New Jersey penitentiary house, but that's still up and running.

[1683] Yep.

[1684] I was on the verge of bragging.

[1685] Oh, because, yes, you were right.

[1686] I sound myself.

[1687] You were right.

[1688] I could have lied and said that the other thing I was going to say was something else.

[1689] It's okay.

[1690] You're allowed to say it.

[1691] No, no, no. Trying to improve.

[1692] Oh, good.

[1693] Sorry, I got an interesting email pop up.

[1694] Oh, goodness.

[1695] Not about my trash campaign.

[1696] They countered.

[1697] Okay.

[1698] So you said that in Bowlingbrook, there was an applebees and a chilis and then nothing else.

[1699] And look, there are other restaurants there, like Chama Guacha Brazilian steakhouse.

[1700] Really quick, though, you know, this was 14 years ago.

[1701] I know.

[1702] Do you think Gamaguchi's pork Brazilian steak chamber was there?

[1703] I do.

[1704] You do.

[1705] Say it again.

[1706] What was the name?

[1707] Oh, jeez.

[1708] Chama guacha.

[1709] No. It looks like you're Trump about to say China.

[1710] Because I can't really say this well.

[1711] I do need my glasses.

[1712] Chama gaucha.

[1713] Chama gaucha.

[1714] Chama gaucha.

[1715] And it's Brazilian steakhouse?

[1716] Also a restaurant called Allegory.

[1717] They serve a pheasant pot pie.

[1718] Oh, fuck, I would love a pheasant pot pie.

[1719] Yeah, you should have gone there instead of apples, bees or chilies.

[1720] Again, not sure it was there then.

[1721] But continue with the less...

[1722] I'm not going to stand by it.

[1723] Those were the two that I picked.

[1724] Okay, okay.

[1725] But there were many restaurants on Yelp.

[1726] Oh, okay.

[1727] Also, you know, there might have been more streets I was aware of in Bolandbrook, but certainly on our exit where we were staying at this, you know, efficiency housing.

[1728] Those were the option.

[1729] But this is my point.

[1730] There was a Starbucks, though.

[1731] You probably went one block.

[1732] And so you can't say there's only two restaurants when you only went one block.

[1733] This is my point.

[1734] This is the point you're making.

[1735] This is the whole point.

[1736] Don't reduce Bowlingbrook down.

[1737] Well, actually, then I guess you're, we'd be calling both Dave and I a liar because he too was there.

[1738] Yeah, but he didn't say the thing you said.

[1739] He didn't?

[1740] Nope.

[1741] Okay.

[1742] But he didn't correct me either, did it?

[1743] No, he forgot about allegory and trauma go watcher.

[1744] Okay.

[1745] Okay.

[1746] Well, he was talking about his first joke that he did in his classroom that was a hat -based joke.

[1747] Right.

[1748] Then you said he used to play a game where you would pull a hat down over people's eyes and say what happened in Chicago at some time.

[1749] Yeah, whatever year that was.

[1750] Yeah, and the lights went out.

[1751] So you're thinking of, I think, the Northeast blackout of 1965, but that wasn't in Chicago.

[1752] And Chicago didn't have a, hasn't had a blackout like that.

[1753] Hmm.

[1754] That I could find.

[1755] That you could find.

[1756] Yes.

[1757] Did you guys do that, Wobby Wob?

[1758] No. No, okay, okay.

[1759] Thank you.

[1760] I got to call Sharon Beakley and see if he remembers exactly what I do.

[1761] It could have been something you guys made up based on no facts.

[1762] Well, it was passed on to me for sure.

[1763] Right.

[1764] There'll be a update on this.

[1765] I'll do some digging on my side.

[1766] Should we call him?

[1767] Sharon, he's at Cedar Point right now.

[1768] Oh, he is getting a wet butt cut?

[1769] He's certainly getting a wet butt cut.

[1770] Oh, my God.

[1771] I'm going to read his text.

[1772] Can I?

[1773] Yeah.

[1774] It's so funny.

[1775] Oh, my God.

[1776] Oh, my God.

[1777] I did not know this last.

[1778] That was fucking there.

[1779] Okay, let me just start with.

[1780] He sent me a picture of Cedar Point.

[1781] And there is a Pinks chili dog.

[1782] They built a Pinks there.

[1783] Oh, wow.

[1784] So he sent me a picture and said, at Cedar Point, it's Pinks.

[1785] And I said, what the fuck?

[1786] If they have the onion ring hot dog with barbecue sauce, you must get it.

[1787] It's so much tastier than it should be.

[1788] he said consider it done since i've been humiliated by not fitting on most of the sweet roller coasters i think it's driving me to eat as much as possible today i wrote ha ha ha ha ha ha that's what i intended on reading and then i just opened my phone and says a bird just shit on my face i wish i was funny enough to make that up Can you believe that happened to me?

[1789] The text that was sitting there on the image of purges shit on my face.

[1790] Oh, wow.

[1791] Oh, Aaron.

[1792] Oh, buddy.

[1793] What a day he's having.

[1794] Oh, man. He got a big belly full of pinks and a bird fucking evacuated on his face.

[1795] Oh, boy.

[1796] Okay, okay.

[1797] All right.

[1798] Detours.

[1799] Okay.

[1800] Northeast blackout in 1965.

[1801] That affected parts of Ontario.

[1802] Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, and Vermont.

[1803] Not Chicago.

[1804] You had a lot of other options, but not the one.

[1805] Well, again, I'm going to just do some light digging on my end.

[1806] Okay, great.

[1807] And then I'll see if I can figure out where that comes from.

[1808] Great.

[1809] Okay, so he was talking about pathos and bathos.

[1810] Oh, yes.

[1811] And in fact, when we were at work the other day, he said, hey, Shep, I'm dying to hear Monica's fact check on Bethos.

[1812] Yeah.

[1813] So, Bathos is a word.

[1814] It is?

[1815] It is a word.

[1816] But it's not really the word that he described.

[1817] This is, okay, I'm going to read, just remind everyone what he said Bathos is.

[1818] Oh, thank God.

[1819] Thank you.

[1820] He said there's Pathos and Bathos.

[1821] Pathos is a sad, wet dog.

[1822] But Bathos is a grandmother who is lonely and it's Easter weekend and her family didn't come.

[1823] And she's in a rocking chair And she's holding a mug That says World's Greatest Grandma That she purchased herself At the county fair And she does have an answering machine And her grandkids call and say Sorry we're not going to make it again this year And the mug crashes to the floor And then on the television you hear the shotgun The shotgun blast from old yeller And that's Batha Oh, my goodness.

[1824] What a thing he constructed.

[1825] Oh, I know.

[1826] Wow.

[1827] He's got to have that in his holster, right?

[1828] He didn't make that up on the spot.

[1829] I think he was making that up on the spot.

[1830] I'm going to have to inquire.

[1831] It's too good.

[1832] It's too good to be written almost.

[1833] That's why it's made up.

[1834] Yeah.

[1835] You got me back around to your side.

[1836] Man, I'm figuring out so much stuff today.

[1837] Yeah, you're figuring it out today.

[1838] That could be your campaign slogan for 2020.

[1839] Figuring it out.

[1840] Monica Padman, figuring it out.

[1841] That's pretty good.

[1842] It's cool because it's like you're not a braggard.

[1843] Yeah.

[1844] It tells me you're up for like change and hard work.

[1845] And a challenge.

[1846] I'll do it.

[1847] Oh, great.

[1848] Dibs.

[1849] I don't want anyone to steal it.

[1850] Speaking of that, we went to the Ava Brothers concert last night.

[1851] Oh, man. Yeah.

[1852] And one of their T -shirts, which I didn't get to buy, but I wanted to buy.

[1853] Oh, sorry.

[1854] Was A -It, A -Vit, 2020.

[1855] Mm -hmm.

[1856] And I was like, that's a good shirt.

[1857] It is.

[1858] Could anyone run as a team?

[1859] A brother team?

[1860] Yeah, for president.

[1861] What do you mean?

[1862] No, at the same time, you said that, like, of course they could.

[1863] No, twins, like, twins want to run for the office of president.

[1864] Yeah.

[1865] Is there anything?

[1866] There's probably some things that say, like, one man. Only one person, yeah.

[1867] I'm not sure it says man. Oh, that's true, yeah.

[1868] Because you could see them making a pretty good case for it, right?

[1869] You know, do you think two twins make a whole?

[1870] You know a lot of twins.

[1871] Uh -huh.

[1872] So if you're looking at their personalities, like, do you feel like they make a whole being?

[1873] Oh, oh.

[1874] Well, sure, in the same way that, like, a married couple can make a whole person.

[1875] Although, what's a whole person?

[1876] I don't think married couples because that's, yeah, I mean.

[1877] Would make a perfect whole human being.

[1878] That's your theory of floating.

[1879] Yeah.

[1880] I do.

[1881] Like, all the personality defects of one person, the other person doesn't have or has the skills, but then they have other problems with their other twin fixes.

[1882] Now, does that across the twin spectrum, are you including identical twins into that?

[1883] Or just fraternal?

[1884] Because I was about to say the fraternal twins I've known, I think, varied, obviously.

[1885] They varied more personality -wise.

[1886] Right.

[1887] Than the identical twins have known.

[1888] I guess this would only apply to I guess this would apply to identical twins specifically because they got broken in half.

[1889] Okay.

[1890] I think it's all twins.

[1891] I think they make a whole.

[1892] Okay.

[1893] So I'd be down with voting for a set of twins.

[1894] As one person.

[1895] Yeah.

[1896] One whole person.

[1897] One perfect person.

[1898] I guess though what if they got split on a decision?

[1899] That's why they couldn't allow it.

[1900] Because there's no third There's no third vote Well there's Congress So they would definitely They could cancel each other out Oh What if they're triplets Like what Oh now No no no no nope Triplets do not make a hole Oh Okay They make a hole and a half Oh that kind of makes sense Yeah Yeah so no That makes a lot of sense But at the same time They would serve as a checks And balance system But we have that Sort of The two dick twins Would just team up on the weak twin Yeah Yeah, let's just keep you know one person.

[1901] All right, we'll just go back to our regular system.

[1902] Anyway, Bathos, okay.

[1903] Bathos refers to an abrupt and often ludicrous transition from the elevated to the ordinary.

[1904] It's a form of anti -climax.

[1905] Oh, it's a touch abstract.

[1906] It is.

[1907] Bethos is a noun and a literary term that describes a situation in which a serious, emotional, and heartfelt story full of genuine insight and emotion suddenly sinks to contemplate.

[1908] something trivial or every day.

[1909] Oh, I can think of a lot of movies that do that really well.

[1910] Like, you can easily see a scene set in a nuclear reactor where everything's going crazy, right?

[1911] And then the two guys operating the control, one goes like, can you fucking believe they shut subway down for three weeks?

[1912] Yeah, yes.

[1913] So, yeah.

[1914] Right, wouldn't that be Bethos?

[1915] Mm -hmm.

[1916] That's Bethos.

[1917] Bethos is usually a transgression performed by poor writers.

[1918] Oh.

[1919] Though Bathos may be used by comedy writers to get great effect.

[1920] Consider the Groucho Marx quote, I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

[1921] There you go.

[1922] Boom.

[1923] Thanks, Grascho.

[1924] I really like Kekner's version so much.

[1925] Oh, my God.

[1926] What if, again, we got to find out if that's in the chamber or not.

[1927] Okay, so I definitely need to correct this.

[1928] You said Snapchat's out of business.

[1929] Also filed bankruptcy.

[1930] Okay.

[1931] Neither true.

[1932] None of that happened.

[1933] No. They actually completed a pretty successful IPO two years ago.

[1934] But, okay, I guess the stock is down.

[1935] The stock's been down a little bit.

[1936] But there's no bankruptcy and they are in business.

[1937] How much is it down?

[1938] I'm just wondering where I, what headline I read that led me to believe this.

[1939] In two years, the stock's down 60%.

[1940] Hmm.

[1941] Well.

[1942] From the $24 .50.

[1943] cents price it closed on at his first day of public trading.

[1944] Okay.

[1945] Okay.

[1946] Yeah, so all the other ones are going up and that one got half.

[1947] It hasn't filed bankruptcy and it's still in existence.

[1948] Okay, great.

[1949] Yes, I need to rescind that clearly and apologize.

[1950] It's actually big time in existence.

[1951] You know that old person thing that everyone's posting, those old person pictures?

[1952] That's Snapchat.

[1953] Weren't we told that that was some kind of China House?

[1954] Yeah, we were.

[1955] Russian.

[1956] Yeah.

[1957] We were told there was some Russian involvement.

[1958] Oh, boy.

[1959] What's the, I want the generic song for Russia.

[1960] Oh.

[1961] You know, like in Venice, you hear the gondola, you hear the violin, you know, the song.

[1962] What is Russian?

[1963] Russian is like, international anthem.

[1964] I mean, that, that.

[1965] This is the sound?

[1966] Well, let's just say this.

[1967] I hear that.

[1968] I know immediately I'm dealing with Russia.

[1969] Really?

[1970] Okay, thanks, Russia.

[1971] Yeah, that's enough.

[1972] I still have three more minutes.

[1973] Oh, my goodness.

[1974] That's a lot of music.

[1975] That sounded distinctly Russian, did it not?

[1976] I don't know.

[1977] I think if I heard that, I might think it was like Cuban or something.

[1978] Really?

[1979] Well, yeah.

[1980] But Rob, doesn't that sound?

[1981] I mean, I feel like it was opening credits to a movie set in Moscow, like a Schwarzenegger film.

[1982] All right.

[1983] All right, slow down.

[1984] Agree to disagree.

[1985] Okay, so.

[1986] We've talked about Russia disparagingly now a few times.

[1987] and I just want to say Please don't hack us No, not that I've been to Russia I loved it The people were lovely I like Russians I just didn't want anyone Who might be listening In Russia to think we Have anything against Russians We don't No we don't No But it makes for an easy joke Quite often Well currently In our country It's mine Forefront of our thinking Yeah well Yeah since 1945 really Yeah but especially now.

[1988] Well, the Cold War, though.

[1989] And especially now, too.

[1990] And mostly now.

[1991] Okay, I have to correct you on something.

[1992] Okay.

[1993] I think you might get self -conscious about this.

[1994] Oh, that's the best kind.

[1995] So I don't really want to correct you, but I have to.

[1996] You got to.

[1997] You have an obligation.

[1998] Maybe it's just because you're talking fast or something, but you often say Seth Meyer, and it's Seth Myers.

[1999] Oh, I bet for sure I've made that mistake.

[2000] Yeah, I can't, if you were to have just given me a multiple choice, whether it was Seth Meyer or Seth Myers, I wouldn't get it right.

[2001] Right.

[2002] Or it would be a guess.

[2003] Yeah, you'd pick C don't know.

[2004] Even though we were just in the car listening to an interview with him on Stern and I was going on and on about how unbelievable I think he is.

[2005] Yes.

[2006] Oh, we'd love him.

[2007] He's been on our show.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] So there's no lack of love by it.

[2010] Yeah, I don't know whether it's Meyer or Myers.

[2011] Yeah, it's two of them, though.

[2012] Is he one of the twins?

[2013] Oh, my God.

[2014] That would explain his productivity.

[2015] Yeah, and I wonder if, okay, this is what happened with him because he's pretty perfect.

[2016] Uh -huh.

[2017] So he had one of those situations where twins, where there were twins, two half twins, I mean, two twins, both half personalities, you know?

[2018] Yeah, yeah, incomplete.

[2019] And then it was one of those where the twin eats the other twin.

[2020] Oh, yeah, when they do that in utero.

[2021] Yeah.

[2022] Oh, and then they come out perfect people.

[2023] So then he got all of that twin stuff, and he is a perfect person.

[2024] Wow.

[2025] We figured it out.

[2026] He was a twin.

[2027] So Seth Myers, just moving forward.

[2028] Okay, we'll try to put that S on there.

[2029] I pluralize everything.

[2030] I know.

[2031] I'm dropping the plural on Meyer.

[2032] You're really just switching all of it, making mistakes.

[2033] At every turn, every opportunity.

[2034] But I know you respect him, so I want you to.

[2035] To respect them.

[2036] To show it.

[2037] To pronounce his name correctly.

[2038] So where did Cloud 9 come from the phrase?

[2039] Hmm.

[2040] Big question.

[2041] Big question of the night.

[2042] A commonly heard explanation is that the expression originated as one of the classifications of Cloud, which were defined by the U .S. weather beer in the 50s, in which Cloud 9 denotes the fluffy cumulonimbus type that are considered so attractive.

[2043] Oh, very visually.

[2044] stimulating.

[2045] Another explanation is that the phrase derives from Buddhism and that cloud nine is one of the stages of the progress to enlightenment.

[2046] Neither of these explanations hold water according to the site.

[2047] Okay.

[2048] So they give reasons why I don't need to get into that.

[2049] Point is, we don't really know.

[2050] It's gotten frustrating that there aren't any clear answers for these anymore.

[2051] For anything.

[2052] I feel like 10 years ago, maybe the internet wasn't big enough.

[2053] You got an answer.

[2054] I know.

[2055] And it could be false.

[2056] It probably was.

[2057] Sure, but at least as long as we all have the same false answer in our head, the better, you know.

[2058] Okay, that's all.

[2059] All right.

[2060] Happy birthday, Dave Kekner.

[2061] That was a lot of fun.

[2062] Happy birthday, Monica Potman and David Kekner.

[2063] Yeah.

[2064] Can I tell people your age?

[2065] Sure.

[2066] Yeah.

[2067] Monica turns 32.

[2068] Yeah.

[2069] Looks very youthful.

[2070] Thank you.

[2071] Vibrant.

[2072] Thank you.

[2073] Energetic.

[2074] 32 is such a lame number.

[2075] I love it.

[2076] You do?

[2077] Yep, I do.

[2078] I was feeling really good at 32.

[2079] Yeah, I feel good, but I don't feel, how do I put it?

[2080] This is the first birthday I've ever had where I want to just put a trash bag over my head and kill myself.

[2081] No, it's the first birthday I've ever had where I don't feel like anything's changing at all.

[2082] Like, in a great way, but it just feels like, oh, it's just literally just another day on earth.

[2083] 32's the same as 31.

[2084] Well, I, for me, I would have to say 32 so far maybe my favorite age because I am, you know, 12 years younger than I am now.

[2085] So I feel better.

[2086] And I'm no longer, you know, acting like a dumb ass because I'm out of my 20s.

[2087] on it's like the first spot where you're youthful yet you're kind of mature for me okay that makes sense i think i felt that this year okay so this feels just like more of that same thing right right yeah i feel like i crescendoed at 32 oh maybe i haven't crescendoed yet maybe i'll crescendo yeah but i say women's sexual peak is later so you couldn't have a longer crescendo Oh.

[2088] Well, and with that, good night.

[2089] Bye.

[2090] Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[2091] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[2092] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.