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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Go, bye.
[16] Hello.
[17] And welcome.
[18] Welcome yourself.
[19] To me. Welcome you, Karen.
[20] To me and to everybody And me too And me too To my favorite murder The biennosode This is where we read the emails you sent us That are about your hometown murders Things you find in walls Ghosts, grandparents And the like Any fucking anything By the by And we are two weeks out from the event You can stop telling us About the teeth, the dentist teeth and the walls I've gotten over 520 tweets about it, which in today's money is.
[21] Is 2 ,000 tweets about a story that you can be sure if something was found in a wall and it's creepy, I hear about it three minutes after that story comes out.
[22] That's right.
[23] Well, we appreciate you thinking about us.
[24] And we love you.
[25] You don't need to take further steps.
[26] So I can get away.
[27] And then thinking about us.
[28] All right.
[29] You ready to dive in?
[30] Let's do it.
[31] That said, send us your actual stories.
[32] It happened to use.
[33] Yes.
[34] To my favorite murder at Gmail.
[35] Okay.
[36] And we begin with a subject line.
[37] My mom survived a clown.
[38] Hi, Karen, Georgia, and Stephen.
[39] You're all bad bitches.
[40] Yes, Stephen.
[41] You too.
[42] Thank you.
[43] I was, thank you on behalf of Stephen.
[44] I was about, when I was about nine, I was at school, and my mom was about to fight a fucking clown.
[45] So, it's a pretty regular morning for my mom.
[46] She's drinking coffee and getting ready.
[47] And if she goes to put more cream in her coffee, she sees something out of the corner of her.
[48] eye and she turns and sees a clown.
[49] No, no, no, no, no, no. Really, it was just a guy with a Halloween clown mask on as she drops the creamer and coffee and runs.
[50] On her way out of the kitchen, he knocks her down and she hits her head on the hardwood floor.
[51] Oh my God.
[52] She regains her bearings in time to see him raising knife and she deflects it with her arm and gets cut on her neck a moment later.
[53] Oh my God.
[54] We're in this thing.
[55] At this time, she goes, oh fuck I need to fight and hits the guy straight in the nose with her palm which is fucking classic self -defense class that's right fucking palm in the nose break it up into our brain that's right um and she throws him off her awesome she runs to the bedroom and grabs a gun turns around and cocks it right as he's in the doorway holy shit fuck yes apparently he cut his way through the screen in the open kitchen window from the backyard and climbed in this is I'm never going to live on a fucking ground floor.
[56] I mean, for real.
[57] The guy didn't get caught until years later when he did the same thing, but the cops got there in time to catch him.
[58] Meanwhile, my school went on lockdown, and all I thought of it was, why is this girl across the room crying?
[59] We're going to be okay.
[60] She only told me after I saw the 2018 winter tour and goes, oh, I guess she means her mom.
[61] Her mom only told her after she saw the 2018 winter tour, and she goes, want to hear how I almost got murdered What the fuck?
[62] Thank you all so much Mac Holy shit!
[63] I mean that is...
[64] I was waiting for it to be like and it turned out to be her neighbor pretending to scare her.
[65] No, it was fucking real and her mom saved it until very recently.
[66] Good for her mom.
[67] Her mom didn't even tell her when she was in school lockdown that that was like oh no that was me getting attacked.
[68] Hey remember we got you got home and I had a change of screens.
[69] Fucking badass.
[70] Also just bone chilling.
[71] It sounds sounds like hacky when you hear it.
[72] But you're in your, in your kitchen, like stirring up your coffee, just trying to wrap it up to go to work.
[73] And you turn and there's a clown in your kitchen.
[74] Dude in a clown mask.
[75] No, dude.
[76] No. Absolutely not.
[77] Get out.
[78] I reject you and I reject Satan who you represent.
[79] That's right.
[80] Okay, this one's called glowing eyes in the basement window.
[81] And there's no intro.
[82] Okay.
[83] Because this is for real.
[84] Because we got to get to it.
[85] This episode's for real.
[86] Yep.
[87] I grew up in a super small town in northern Wisconsin.
[88] I was around 10 years old and my best friend and I were excited to go to a youth group at her church that night.
[89] Since her mom was part of the church's band, we had to get there early for them to rehearse.
[90] We got there.
[91] We were the only kids.
[92] We went down to the basement where the group rooms were located to play around until the group started.
[93] The basement was broken up in four quadrants with each, each with their own lights.
[94] So we only had the lights on in our quadrant of the basement and the rest of the rooms were dark.
[95] It was also dark outside by this time.
[96] So I'm feeling a little creeped out by being in this old church.
[97] There's also a window in that room that was at ground level, and that it says important.
[98] So we find a bouncy ball, and we're bouncing it back and forth to each other when my friend bounces it wildly to me, and I miss the catch.
[99] The ball proceeds to bounce off the walls and into the window sill that is kind of pushed back into the wall.
[100] We follow the ball around the room, and when it reaches said window sill, we both freeze because in this window, we can make out the outline of a head.
[101] with the biggest glowing white eyes.
[102] We both look at each other with the same terrified face and start screaming.
[103] As if we aren't scared enough already, as we start to run up the stairs, we can hear the figure fucking yelling.
[104] No. Help me. No. We were practically in tears at this point, and we run to her mom and explain what we saw.
[105] She didn't believe us at first, of course.
[106] But we were both really distraught, so she finally agreed to investigate.
[107] As we went outside, we could hear someone still yelling, help me. No. This is when my mom's face turned to, this is when her mom's face turned to an oh shit look.
[108] Yeah.
[109] Not knowing what the fuck could be behind this old church, my mom decided to call the cops so they can investigate.
[110] Good.
[111] Once they arrived, we went behind the church to find.
[112] Not a terrifying, glowing -eyed creature, but in fact, a poor old lady who had fallen off the ladder in her backyard, she had broken her legs, so when she saw the basement light turn on, She crawled her way to the ground level window to see if we could help.
[113] Oh, my God, it's scarier.
[114] It's scarier.
[115] Her huge old lady glasses were reflecting the light coming from the basement, which made her look absolutely terrifying.
[116] I felt so bad afterwards that I'd taken us that long to get her help.
[117] But hey, better safe and sorry.
[118] SSGM, your favorite rugby player, Shelby.
[119] Shit, Shelby.
[120] Hells, yes.
[121] I know.
[122] First of all, my favorite girl's name, Shelby, I'm assuming.
[123] That is.
[124] fucking how scary is that they were they really were seeing something they it was real and it was yelling help me it was real it was a poor old lady and it was first of all lady what are you doing on your roof lady why are you on a ladder you're an old lady ask your neighbor to help if your glasses are this thick you should not get up on a ladder absolutely not that's the sign I put next to all old lady ladders army crawl to the basement window and is like help me my legs broken and then these little She starts screaming at you.
[125] Also, like, oh, it's like, she's been laying there all day.
[126] Yeah, yeah.
[127] And it's like, the light comes on on the church.
[128] She's like, oh, oh, oh, I'm so thirsty.
[129] Oh, God.
[130] Oh, I wanted a cup of tea.
[131] A lemon ball and tea.
[132] Oh, it's awful.
[133] So sad.
[134] Shit, that was a good one.
[135] Yeah.
[136] Shelbs.
[137] Okay.
[138] God, there's so many good ones in this, Stephen.
[139] I'm like, Stephen, you gave her all the good ones this time.
[140] Really good ones.
[141] Okay.
[142] How about this?
[143] Subject line is, I never thought I would have anything to write.
[144] Surprise.
[145] Hello, Karen, George is Stephen, Elvis, Mimi, Dottie, Kitty and my favorite, Frank and George.
[146] I have a part hound dog as well, so I get it all.
[147] Jesus.
[148] Wow, okay.
[149] Oh, Doddy Kitty.
[150] Dotty Kitty is her hashtag on Instagram.
[151] Got it.
[152] Okay.
[153] So to start my story, I have been envious of all the people who have hometown murders.
[154] I realized that I had a piece.
[155] paranormal story instead.
[156] So, the apartment I grew up in used to be an old coffin factory.
[157] Great.
[158] I mean, perfect.
[159] Just like, why not buy that way and gather all the children you can to move in to that place?
[160] You know, I know you said you want my rent to be $1 ,200 a month, but I'm going to pay $1 ,300 just to live there.
[161] Yeah.
[162] Because that sounds great.
[163] Because what, what but great things can be happening in a coffin factory?
[164] I want to fall asleep at night thinking about the coffins that were made here.
[165] On the conveyor belt of coffins.
[166] That's right.
[167] and all the great things.
[168] Okay, so listen to this shit.
[169] My dad would tell us stories about how some workers died when improperly using the equipment.
[170] What a dick, your dad is.
[171] I mean, that's a lot of love.
[172] Me at seven or so, hearing a story about how a woman got her hair stuck in a machine and got her hair pulled out, scalp and all.
[173] Jesus Christ.
[174] Yeah, anyways, on to my story.
[175] That's not even the story.
[176] That's just an example of shit her dad said to her.
[177] Oh, dad.
[178] Go to sleep.
[179] Good night.
[180] Night night.
[181] don't look for big glowing eyes in the church okay onto my story as a child our bathroom was across the hall from mine and my parents' room so one night I was getting up and walking to the bathroom and there was a large lady with a feather in her hat in my way she was blocking the bathroom and I really needed a pee so I started shouting at her like any child who didn't get what they wanted Oh my God what you wanted was to go to the bathroom my dad woke up to me shouting at her and watched the whole thing.
[182] The next morning he asked me what she looked like and I described to a tea what the wife of the owner of the coffin factory looked like.
[183] Other times in that apartment I would wake up feeling extremely trapped in my bed with all the sides blocked and gas gate.
[184] Because it's a coffin!
[185] Much love, Sarah.
[186] That's all.
[187] She's just gone.
[188] Peace out?
[189] She and she like a lady with a feather in her hat ghost is just gone.
[190] Peace out.
[191] Peace baby.
[192] That's the whole Oh my God.
[193] Beautifully written.
[194] Beautifully written.
[195] So she as a child would wake up feeling like she was in a coffin.
[196] Oh, my God.
[197] Peace out.
[198] Okay.
[199] Mimi has placed her entire body on top of my stories.
[200] Oh, look at this is, we call this story Mimi's choice.
[201] Because Mimi wants to do what Mimi wants to do.
[202] Okay.
[203] This one's called Career Advice from a mobster.
[204] Dear Karen, Georgia, Stephen, pets, and Vince.
[205] Oh.
[206] Thank you.
[207] I think he'd really appreciate that.
[208] I do too.
[209] I grew up in Benson, Her Brooklyn during the reign of the Gambino Crime family.
[210] Oh shit.
[211] In the late 1890s, a new family moved onto our block.
[212] They moved into a kind of run -down apartment but then renovated it themselves.
[213] That was unheard of for renters to do.
[214] It's fucking right.
[215] Yeah.
[216] We came to hear rumors that the family, father of the family that moved in was involved in the mafia.
[217] Remoraes like this were common, but in this case it was true.
[218] Norman DuPont was an all -around nice guy to his neighbors.
[219] He had a remote control starter for his SUV before they were common in case of car bombs.
[220] Shit.
[221] He liked to start his car from the window of his second floor apartment while people were walking by and watched them jump with freight.
[222] What a day.
[223] One day, around 1993 or 1994, I was waiting for the bus to go to the orthodontist.
[224] Norman pulled up to the bus stop and asked me where I was going and if I wanted a ride.
[225] Uh -oh.
[226] I got in.
[227] Yes, you did.
[228] Because it was 93.
[229] And it was a big SUV.
[230] It was your neighbor.
[231] Yeah.
[232] I know that sounds crazy, but back then, but back in that day it was okay.
[233] Sure.
[234] It was a bit awkward because everyone knew my father had just left and my parents were going through a bitter divorce.
[235] That scenario wasn't common yet.
[236] He tried to make conversation.
[237] He asked what I wanted to do when I got older.
[238] I told him I didn't know.
[239] I was 13 or 14 at the time.
[240] And he said, he should become a funeral director.
[241] You could make a lot of money working with guys like me. Do you know what I do?
[242] I couldn't tell if he was showing off trying to act cool or what.
[243] I played it off and giggled.
[244] I couldn't wait to get out of the car.
[245] Shortly thereafter, he went to jail for murder.
[246] was sentenced to life plus 25 years.
[247] Shit.
[248] I saw the mafia take care of his wife and kids with envelopes for a few years after that, but that stopped.
[249] Reading about that time, linked below, he had already committed the murder that he was convicted of when he was driving her.
[250] Oh, shit.
[251] Yikes.
[252] Stay sexy and don't take rides from hitmen.
[253] Wow.
[254] Yeah.
[255] Don't tell us not to take rights from hit men when you fucking did it.
[256] You're the one.
[257] Just point that finger back at yourself.
[258] Hey, this is exciting.
[259] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[260] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.
[261] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[262] Who killed Saz?
[263] And were they really after Charles?
[264] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[265] This season, murder hits close to home.
[266] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[267] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[268] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries.
[269] and twists arise.
[270] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?
[271] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[272] Only murders in the building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[273] Goodbye.
[274] Georgia, what if I told you we could be transported to the 1920s to solve a murder?
[275] I'd say my entire life and wardrobe have led me to this point.
[276] If you want to escape to a bygone, of mystery, danger, and romance, then check out June's Journey, the Hidden Object mystery game that tests your detective skills.
[277] June's Journey is a mobile mystery game that follows June Parker and New York Socialite living in London.
[278] As June Parker, you'll investigate beautifully detailed scenes of the 1920s while uncovering the mystery of her sister's murder.
[279] There are twists, turns, and catchy tunes, all leading you deeper into the thrilling storyline.
[280] And if you play well enough, you could make it to the detective club, where you can chat with other players and either team up with them or compete against them.
[281] June needs your help, but watch out.
[282] You never know which character might be a villain.
[283] Find out as you escape this world and dive into June's world of mystery, murder, and romance.
[284] Can you crack the case?
[285] Download June's Journey for free today on iOS and Android.
[286] Discover your inner detective when you download June's Journey for free today on iOS and Android.
[287] That's June's Journey.
[288] Download the game for free on iOS and Android.
[289] Goodbye.
[290] Karen, you know I'm all about.
[291] vintage shopping.
[292] Absolutely.
[293] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[294] Exactly.
[295] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[296] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[297] That's right.
[298] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[299] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[300] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[301] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[302] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[303] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[304] Connect with customers in line and online.
[305] Do retail right with Shopify.
[306] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[307] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[308] Go to Shoppeth.
[309] dot com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[310] That's shopify .com slash murder.
[311] Goodbye.
[312] There's two that are so good, but I guess I'll just read this one.
[313] Save it for the next one.
[314] Okay.
[315] I'm not going to redo the subject line.
[316] So, guys.
[317] I wanted to write you guys to share a story that my parents have recounted to me multiple times throughout my life and for years made me pretty uneasy when I'd go out for dinner at a Habachi restaurant.
[318] Oh, no. when I was a baby living it up in New Jersey Baby Oh Just a little baby having a good time in New Jersey We're all the fun's at Living it up My parents decided to go out for dinner And sit at a habachi table With a baby?
[319] With a baby As Habachi chefs do He began performing by doing knife tricks This didn't last long However because according to my dad He lost control of one of the knives And it went hurtling towards my little baby body my dad saved my life by deflecting the knife with the side of his hand which she still has a faint scar oh my god apparently after this incident the chef began to cry hysterically and left the hobachi table oh my shit it's it's like it's terrible it's like benihana yeah those people are so good at what they do and they do it so masterfully and they, like, crack eggs on the side of knives and shit.
[320] Can you imagine one just bursting into tears?
[321] It's so hilarious.
[322] Because he almost just killed a baby.
[323] Because he almost killed a baby.
[324] Oh, holy.
[325] I wouldn't bring my, I'm sorry, but I would not bring my baby to a fucking habachi table.
[326] No judgment to her family.
[327] I bet they only did it a couple times after that.
[328] But also, it makes me think, did that guy get pressured into being a habashi shop?
[329] I never wanted to.
[330] Or was he retiring the next day?
[331] Oh, it was, he had 40 years of an unmarked career.
[332] and then this fucking bossy New Jersey baby comes up to his table.
[333] Baby's drunk as shit.
[334] Just pointing, constantly pointing at the shrimp.
[335] Flip that one.
[336] Yeah, pointing it, pointing in pointing.
[337] Oh, so much baby pointing.
[338] Okay.
[339] Sometimes I think about him and hope he's doing okay.
[340] Because I know I wouldn't be.
[341] Although this was over 20 years ago, the story still gets to me and I literally cannot look at a hibachi table without thinking the thought of impending doom.
[342] Stay sexy and don't get impaled, Mary.
[343] That was, that's the perfect.
[344] We also asked for, like, when your parents almost killed you stories, that was a great one.
[345] It's a great version of.
[346] Can I just do a real quick one?
[347] Please.
[348] This one's called My Grandmother Bit a Nazi.
[349] Yes.
[350] And I feel like we all, it's like a good time in our lives.
[351] Hell's, yeah.
[352] Hello, long -time listener, first -time writer.
[353] My grandmother, Wilma, grew up in Germany in World War II.
[354] Some of the families in her kids.
[355] community took turns hiding a box in their houses.
[356] This box contained valuables that belonged to the Jewish, other Jewish families in town.
[357] Once the Nazi soldiers heard of this, they wanted to put a stop to it.
[358] When the soldiers came to my grandmother's door, her dog was barking.
[359] This gets sad.
[360] So a fucking Nazi shot and killed her dog.
[361] Yep.
[362] Wilma, who was 10 to 12 years old at this time, was so upset, she bit the Nazi.
[363] Yes.
[364] Her family was punished and she eventually was able to flee to eat.
[365] England before settling in Canada.
[366] She never spoke much about her childhood, but someone from a community paper interviewed her and published her story in a paper.
[367] I thought you would like the story about a badass little girl biting a Nazi, Aaron.
[368] Now I'm crying.
[369] Now I'm crying.
[370] I hate Nazis so much.
[371] Also, it's just like, think of any fucking World War II Nazi movie that you've seen and how oppressive and awful their presence is and they go into these towns and take over and fucking turn people again.
[372] against each other and they're monsters and this little girl's just like you fucking killed my I don't give a shit what you do yeah killed my dog I'm gonna do the only thing I can I'm gonna bite you yeah and you fucking deserve it you god damn Nazi I love Wilma wellma yeah I also love it's that's such a great idea that like then she emigrates to England she emigrates to Canada she fucking lives her private life and then somebody sits her down and goes hey what's give me some highlights have any stories she's like yeah I got a story for you I've been a Nazi once yeah as a child and I'm here to tell the tale um send us your stories we love them they're the best god damn it that was such a good batch yeah um and thank you guys for listening and writing and we we love it and stay sexy and don't get murdered goodbye goodbye should we see if Mimi will meow again yeah me me me you want a cookie?
[373] Did it work?
[374] Elvis, you want a cookie too?
[375] Want a cookie?
[376] Nah.