Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Alex Hedleman.
[1] And I feel apprehensive about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[2] Hey there, hear the yell, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.
[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[5] Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[6] I am the aforementioned Conan, Conan O 'Brien, Aries.
[7] Okay.
[8] Brookline, Massachusetts, quite a life.
[9] Quite a life I've had.
[10] I guess it's drawing to a close now.
[11] And I'm being joined by Sonam Obsceston.
[12] Sona, how are you?
[13] Can I ask a question?
[14] Go for it.
[15] This has been a while.
[16] Can we change the name of the podcast to Conan O 'Brien, Sonomof Sessian, and Matt Gourley need a friend?
[17] You know what?
[18] I think that's a really good idea.
[19] And Matt Gourleys is here as well.
[20] Gem.
[21] Yeah, Gemini.
[22] Libra.
[23] I enjoy pasta and long walks on the beach with pasta.
[24] Your question.
[25] Sona, no, the answer is no. And it's not even up to me at this point.
[26] I think the great Adam Sacks, who's in the room at all times, our overlord, our overseer, he would say, a terrible idea to change the branding at this point.
[27] It would diffuse, and he's nodding vigorously.
[28] It's also false because we don't need friends because we have each other.
[29] That's true.
[30] I'm just saying maybe Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Matt Gourley and Sonam Obsessian.
[31] Yeah.
[32] No, it just dilutes the brand and it's bad for merch and listen.
[33] It's bad for merch?
[34] What if we just lose your name and it's just the two of us?
[35] Yeah.
[36] Okay, good luck with that and then I would say enjoy the poor house but this isn't Dickensy in London.
[37] I wish there were poor houses still.
[38] What?
[39] Yeah.
[40] They used to throw you into the poor house and then it's all in it's in every dickensy and Novel.
[41] Someone gets thrown to the poor house and you can't get out of the poor house unless you give the money back, but you can't make the money back if you're in the poor house.
[42] Because you've stolen something?
[43] Is that house?
[44] No, not even.
[45] Someone will just get into debt and they would come by and they would say, we're taking you to the poor house.
[46] We're taking you to the poor house.
[47] We're taking you out for the longest time.
[48] I've heard that term.
[49] I never thought about what it was.
[50] Yes.
[51] It goes back to it's it's all over Dickens.
[52] There's so many things in Dickens I wish would come back.
[53] Poor house pickpockets.
[54] Where are all the pickpockets?
[55] Street urchins.
[56] Street urchants.
[57] Yeah.
[58] There's so much good stuff.
[59] Old hags.
[60] Old hags wearing tattered wedding dresses.
[61] Yeah.
[62] Do you know what I mean?
[63] Yeah.
[64] I just, you know, that kind of thing.
[65] Just bowls of porridge and gruel.
[66] Yeah, may I have some.
[67] Please, sir, may have some more.
[68] More porridge.
[69] Have some more.
[70] No, I don't think he even says he just may have some more.
[71] Sorry.
[72] Sorry, sir.
[73] Are you guys doing the same person?
[74] You're both doing Oliver?
[75] My guy's Australian.
[76] Oh, okay.
[77] Yeah, I'm doing Hugh Jackman.
[78] is Wolverine I'll claw you with me cause it's all fucked up what I'm doing right now it doesn't make any sense hello Deadpool and I'm doing shorts day get to the chopper get to the chopper I'll be right back Uzi 9mm meter I'll be back Dickens Wolverine crossover yeah okay good yeah man that Deadpool movie I really did enjoy it I'm gonna just say that we're not getting paid to say that saw that with my son back at we had a blast it was really fun and uh it brought me back to the time i know i've mentioned this before but i always think about it when i was in a gym and i was really proud of myself i've told you this right yeah and i was working out in a hotel gym in atlanta and i and i was really like hey i think i'm working out really hard i'm and then i on my peripheral vision i saw someone without a shirt doing an insane workout where they were pulling up their whole body effortlessly and i looked over at hugh jackman and he looks at me and he like winked and was like, you know, hey, mate, whatever.
[79] And I just thought, Jesus, my penis went up inside my body.
[80] It crawled up into my lung.
[81] It's never come out.
[82] I keep trying to lure it out with a little bit of cheese.
[83] Yeah.
[84] Your penis eats cheese.
[85] Yeah.
[86] I'm sorry.
[87] My penis is, some penises are lactose intolerant.
[88] Mine's a real cheese eater.
[89] A real cheese out.
[90] Every time when I was dating, I'd drop my pants.
[91] Someone would say, oh, it's a cheese eater, right?
[92] That's very dickens.
[93] Yeah.
[94] Oh, cheese eater, eh?
[95] And my penis to be holding a piece of Gouda with its tiny little hand.
[96] Well, I've never more emphatically put up a rap sign.
[97] So let's go ahead.
[98] To review, a Dickensian woman would see me drop my pants and go, Cheese Eater, eh?
[99] Cork likes its Gouda, eh?
[100] You got a real milk sipper.
[101] Right?
[102] You got a cream guzzler.
[103] Well, I'm so glad.
[104] This is why PBS won't underwrite our podcast.
[105] I always wanted to say supported by Foundation for the Arts.
[106] But no, they listen to my, you know, cock eating cheese bits.
[107] And then we don't get the funding that I think we deserve.
[108] Yeah, public funding.
[109] Yes, from the Angela Lansbury Foundation.
[110] The country should pay for this.
[111] I think.
[112] Oh, they're paying for it.
[113] Listen, yeah, they are paying.
[114] in their own way people are paying all over them man I really want to keep applying for grants let's start applying for grants so that the money would come would be taken away from programs in schools and programs like Nova and I would get it and then people would be outraged and they would listen to the podcast like why is he well let's check it out maybe it's educational you got a real go to eating cockrooo brought you by a generous grant from the WM Keck Foundation Oh, 50 Senate hearings, sir, are you aware?
[115] Brought to you by the Bill and Melinda Gates finish.
[116] They're not together.
[117] There's no transition here.
[118] Is it just the Gates Foundation?
[119] Is it?
[120] Yep, good cul -de -sac there, Sona.
[121] Good instinct, just as I get into the intro.
[122] Really good.
[123] Well, time to get into the intro.
[124] But are Bill and Melinda still together?
[125] My guest today doesn't give a shit about Bill and Melinda Gates.
[126] This hilarious comedian Who's Emmy nominated Comedy Special Just for us is now streaming on Max I'm excited to talk to him today Alex Edelman Welcome I've come in hot today I don't know what it is But I feel like I have scores to settle And then you just happen to be here When I'm in this mood I'm excited I'm like I'm a fellow Brooklinean So it's like We should explain what that is Because people probably think It's a weird We both sleep on Brooklyn in sheets I'm sorry if that's a competitor to one of your sponsors It doesn't matter We drop we lose sponsors left and right We I'll explain First of all much to talk about And I want to start by saying Before anything else that I saw your special Of your show just for us Spectacular Absolutely amazing I know that it is Emmy nominated And that's why I wanted to get you in here to talk.
[127] We're going to talk about this special because I have a lot of questions for you.
[128] But I think before we begin to move on to, I think, more important areas, we should discuss the fact that you and I have a lot in common, which I found out the first time you were on my show.
[129] Yeah.
[130] You leaned over and you're like, I'm from Brooklyn, Massachusetts, and my dad's a doctor and knows your dad.
[131] And I'm from Brooklyn, Mass. My dad's a doctor.
[132] And we both fled that legitimate profession.
[133] My father called me the next day.
[134] And he went.
[135] went, oh, you were on Dr. O 'Brien's son showed you.
[136] What?
[137] And he went, yeah, Dr. O 'Brien's son's also a comedian.
[138] I went, this is a criminal misuse of the word also.
[139] I was like, yeah, and he went, you know, he's a good doctor.
[140] And I was like, well, his son's a good comic.
[141] And he went, yeah, I would expect that because the dad's such a good doctor.
[142] I love this struggle over what our true identities are.
[143] It was truly that.
[144] though he was like you know he still practices really comes in it's a different my dad with as if it was he's part he's in a different grade at the school he was like you know it's a different department but he's got a lot of respect like my dad's a cardiologist so yeah yeah my dad is a microbiologist yeah so i think my dad um the way i've heard it my dad's first day kind of working at brigham women's hospital in boston was the uh i think 1954 wow and my dad is I just saw him two days ago.
[145] I hear that was two days before they let the women in.
[146] It was just Brigham's.
[147] It was just Brigham's before.
[148] Exactly, yeah.
[149] It was the Peter Bent Brigham then.
[150] Then they changed it to Brigham and women.
[151] And the whole world went to hell.
[152] But yeah, he worked there from like, I think he worked there for something like 65 years, something crazy.
[153] And but it's cool because every now and then I bump into people who sort of, obviously, they know my father and they respect my father and um they're not that interested in talking me yeah i get the same thing where he will come up to me on the street with a crazed look in the rise and i'll be like hi and they're like your father saved my life and i'm like oh cool check out my special yeah how'd you like the show uh my father by the way if i ever uh if i ever referred to it growing up i would say brigham and my father would go and women and i'm like well what's the difference he well Well, Brigham's is an ice cream parlor.
[154] And Brigham's a woman's is the finest medical institution in the United States.
[155] He was very serious about it.
[156] But my dad's been practicing there for a long time, not nearly as long as your father, but feels great affinity for it.
[157] It's funny because all my memories are our family, there's six kids, and my dad drove this really rusting out Chevrolet and Pala, four door with a squeaky steering wheel.
[158] And my childhood memories are my dad getting us.
[159] in the car to run a quick errand, me and a couple of my brothers maybe.
[160] And what he would do is he'd go to the laundromat.
[161] He'd go to this place.
[162] And then he'd say, I'm just going to, he abbreviated minute.
[163] He'd say, I'm just going to take a min and pop into the Brigham.
[164] And so he would park the car and he would go into the Brigham Women's Hospital to like check on his bacteria, see what they were up to.
[165] And he would leave us in the car.
[166] And sometimes 45 minutes to an hour would go by.
[167] And then he'd come back and we'd be pissed but you couldn't complain because he was doing you know he was saving lives you said it was going to take a min but it took an er it took an er yeah it took an er that was a full er and um but that was my memory of is and i was thinking you wouldn't leave a dog in a car that long these days my i have this memory of my father shaving in the car in the way to work with an electric razor but with both hands in the mirror while we're going down route nine and i was like like dad uh uh road he'd be like i'm my niece i got it and but he's like shaving like shaving like this always so busy always i think my dad has been on call for 32 years yeah i don't think my father is never my father had a beeper until like my father had a beeper and i thought i remember as a kid like in the 70s my father had a beeper because he was on call and i thought technology will never advance any further than that box on his hip that makes a noise so he can go to a pay phone.
[168] We were growing up in synagogue.
[169] Like on sat, I went to an Orthodox Jewish synagogue, and my father's beeper would go off in synagogue, and you could tell who was new based on who turned on and be like, what is that very electronic noise in the no electronic day timeframe?
[170] So people would turn around and my, and my brother's be like, he's a doctor.
[171] He's a doctor.
[172] Come right out.
[173] Chill, just chill.
[174] He's safe and laughs.
[175] Rebbe, chill.
[176] Chill, Rebbe.
[177] He gets stuck.
[178] Shut the fuck.
[179] Shut the fuck.
[180] You know.
[181] I had, um, I had.
[182] I had an interesting experience because I'm obviously super Irish Catholic.
[183] I'm growing up in Brookline, Mass, and the different public schools, they had real identities.
[184] And the one I was supposed to go to Heath School was very kind of Irish Catholic.
[185] All the kids played hockey.
[186] It was all, it was kind of where I was supposed to go.
[187] I don't know why.
[188] I think my mother had gotten to a fight with someone at the PTA.
[189] Something happened.
[190] And it started with my brother Luke.
[191] He was sent to the Driscoll School.
[192] The Driscoll School in Brookline was surrounded by four, Literally, on four sides, there are like four temples.
[193] And so it was predominantly Jewish.
[194] And I was the kind of, oh, look, there's this orange -haired kid named O 'Brien.
[195] Yeah.
[196] And isn't this funny?
[197] He's Catholic.
[198] So I was suddenly, I was invited to, I think I went to definitely many, many, many more bar mitzvahs than any other confirmation or anything like that.
[199] And the parents all thought it was.
[200] hilarious that I was there and they would like pinch my cheeks and go look at this you know go he's here this is crazy look at his hair and I just I don't know the whole thing was I remember feeling very exotic in a town where there are plenty of Irish Catholic kids but I all my friends all my friends were Jewish kids it was so funny because you went to BHS yeah yep so we're going high school is like it was two minutes and a whole world away from me because I was raised Orthodox and so I remember watching the show when I was like nine 10 years old like, he went to BHS?
[201] And I was so jealous of the kids who went to BHS, because in my mind, not only did they not have to pray three times a day, they also let you host a talk show in national television.
[202] Like, that was my conception of everyone who went to BHS.
[203] I'm like, eventually they get to either general manager Red Sox or have their own television show.
[204] Pretty much, the entire class.
[205] Yeah.
[206] It's like, wait, does everyone take a turn?
[207] Because there's like hundreds of kids in that school, you know?
[208] No, we all got, it was guaranteed if you went to Brooklyn High.
[209] And so, but that was, that was a great, lucky thing for me because I, I think very early on, got very comfortable around Jewish kids and really kind of.
[210] Which helped with like Jeff Ross and stuff like that.
[211] Exactly.
[212] Because you knew they run show business with an iron hand.
[213] I've got to make a phone call real quick.
[214] Our producer, yes.
[215] No, but it was, it was a nice.
[216] accident for me that I went to Driscoll school, I think, and then just became sort of more involved in going to bar mitzvahs, things like that, because, and this may sound strange to you, but it all felt so much more relaxed than Catholicism.
[217] It felt a little more, I don't know what, and you may not feel that way, but it felt more.
[218] I definitely don't.
[219] But yeah, like, I totally, it's so funny.
[220] Brookline does feel like, like sometimes people say that New Yorkers, seem Jewish, even if they're not Jewish or something about the milieu of it.
[221] And I always felt sort of similarly about Brookline, which is that if you were from Brookline, you were both Jewish and a little bit sort of Boston Irish Catholic at the same time.
[222] Like you had, because you go to, you go to synagogue and you have these thick Boston accents, you know, I have like a fervent memory of like being in synagogue and there's a pardon on Friday night services where you turn around and they open the door in the back of the synagogue and everyone says a brief prayer towards the back of the door and then you turn back.
[223] But I just remember.
[224] remember someone hesitated getting the door and someone in the congregation in the middle of very, very, like, distinct Hebrew prayers and went, Stephen, get the Doha!
[225] And I was like, how, someone with, like, the voice of, like, a father O 'Leary.
[226] Steven, get the Doha!
[227] Like, six syllables in door?
[228] Get the Doha!
[229] Out of this guy get into the temple.
[230] I was like, wait, that's the rabbi?
[231] Yeah, it's the rabbi.
[232] This is the rabbi, Sean Handleran.
[233] Oh, my God.
[234] I just love the idea that the rabbi's going on and about the Bruins.
[235] He's like, all right, kid.
[236] So Hashem has this problem.
[237] But first he's got to go to Duncan.
[238] What?
[239] There was a kosher Duncan down the street.
[240] And when it opened up, it was like, oh, my God.
[241] The headline in the synagogue newsletter was, like, man lands on the moon.
[242] Like, kosher Duncan opens on Route 9.
[243] There's a kosher Duncan?
[244] There's a kosher Duncan on Route 9, and we were just blown up.
[245] By the way, everyone was excited.
[246] I was like, wait, what's not kosher about Dunkin' Donuts?
[247] I know.
[248] Finally, someone got the shellfish out of the donuts.
[249] It's lard.
[250] Apparently, it's lard.
[251] It's lard and the donuts.
[252] You know, I've gone to that, Dunkins.
[253] I think I know which one you're talking about.
[254] And I've enjoyed the donuts not knowing that they were kosher.
[255] The first time I was lucky enough to do the show, the TV show.
[256] I did stand up, and then you were like, come over and send the couch, by the way, blew my mind.
[257] And I remember being like, don't cry, don't throw up, just to like do the thing.
[258] And I sit down and we're sitting there talking about like little Brookline landmarks and stuff like that.
[259] I'm like, oh, the house with the yellow roof.
[260] He's like, yeah, the house with the yellow roof.
[261] And afterwards I came out from my friend Morgan who came with me. He was like, what were you guys talking about?
[262] Like, if I told you, you'd either be upset or think I was lying to you or just like when it makes sense like little tiny places in brookline there's such a neighborhood it's such a thing and i still get sentimental i i as i said i was just there this weekend and wow still driving around and stopping off and going to the old spots it's very powerful it's a very but i don't know if you had this experience it's a wonderful place to be from but when i was 16 years old couldn't wait to leave all i did was and i actually said to people uh i can't wait to get out of this dump And it was because I was very ambitious in 16, 17, I'm like, I got to get out of this shithole.
[263] You're like, I'm from some...
[264] Which you immediately accomplished by going to Harvard six minutes away.
[265] Exactly.
[266] Yeah, boy, you really fled the coop.
[267] I sure did.
[268] You know what I did?
[269] I hopped on a train like a hobo.
[270] And I went six miles to Cambridge.
[271] I got to spread my wings and take the 60 bus seven sobs.
[272] Literally I know how they Do you know by the way Boston that was a great place for me to grow up Because I think maybe it's a specific time I grew up in But people like my parents genuinely were just like They gave me a pair of rollerblades and let me go And when I was like 11 years old I was just like rollerblade around and like take the train and take the bus And like if I was interested in comedy I would like sneak into the lampoon archives Because those kids were always drunk guarding the door And I would like sneak into like go to the county library and see, like, Sergeant Shriver and Doris Coon's Goodwin speak.
[273] And, like, it was that time.
[274] And I was at the Red Sox all the time because I got a job there.
[275] And that was the perfect time.
[276] The city was just medium -sized enough that you could eat almost all of it if you were, like, curious enough.
[277] And I worry that, like, I don't know.
[278] There aren't many cities where, like, parents give their 11 -year -olds a pair of rollerblades, because nobody rollerblades anymore anyway, that one homophobic Joe killed it.
[279] And then, like, you just, like, and just be like, get out of here, go find something that you're interested.
[280] I don't think it's the city, though.
[281] I think it's the time because I was just driving down Route 9, two, three days ago.
[282] My brother, Neil's in the car, and we pass this little shed.
[283] And I said, oh, I used to wait for the bus there.
[284] When school was over in third grade, myself, Virginia Chapman and Isabel Zimmerman, we were this little tiny third graders would walk down to this little shed and wait for a city bus to come by, not a school bus, a regular bus, and get on it, and then take it down to the stop that dropped me off at my house and then them at their houses.
[285] And I thought, my wife would never let third, our kids in third grade.
[286] Like, when your day at third grade is up, wander down to the highway and get the bus that goes into Boston and just make sure you get off on your stop.
[287] Yeah, see if you can hitchhike if it doesn't work.
[288] Yeah.
[289] If there's a van, just get in it.
[290] Maybe he's got candy.
[291] I hitchhiked home all the time, genuinely.
[292] Like, the tea would stop at, like, 12, 15.
[293] And if I wanted to stay, I'd be like, ah, I'll just hitchhike.
[294] I'm like 16 -year -old, 15 -year -old at, like, a comedy show.
[295] Right.
[296] At, like, a Dick Dority's comedy vault or something like that and be like, I'll just be like, anyone here want to take me a nubile young teen home?
[297] I'll make it worth your while.
[298] Oh, no. Well, come on.
[299] It's the way to get a ride.
[300] So he was the actual predator.
[301] in this situation.
[302] Okay.
[303] So for the people from Brookline listening, this has been a thoroughly enjoyable.
[304] Yeah, sorry.
[305] Can we put this at the end and everything else?
[306] This episode is actually just going out regionally.
[307] Yeah, yeah.
[308] Now for Newton.
[309] So what do you think of Wellesley and Sharon?
[310] Yeah, we're going to work our way slowly out until we get through the entire United States.
[311] I think you came on the show twice to do stand -up comedy, and obviously I thought you were terrific.
[312] and you have flourished, and then you do this show, just for us.
[313] It is quite spectacular, one -man show where you really tell this amazing story.
[314] I encourage everyone listening to watch it.
[315] It's quite brilliant.
[316] What amazed me is that the heart of the story, without, I don't think, giving too much away, is you want, okay, is you decide to attend a meeting that you found out about on Twitter, I think, And it's in, is it?
[317] It's in Queens.
[318] It's in Queens.
[319] And it's a group of people who are trying to preserve.
[320] Yeah, pride in white identity.
[321] White identity, yeah.
[322] And so, you know, you're not crazy about Jews.
[323] Not to spoil too much.
[324] You guys are, preserve white identity.
[325] You're being so kind about it.
[326] They're white national.
[327] Yeah, Nazi sons of bitches.
[328] Well, I know, but listen, we have a lot of people listening right now, and I don't want to offend anyone.
[329] We've got to keep everybody under the tent.
[330] You know what Michael Jordan said, white nationalists buy sneakers too.
[331] You know, some of our response.
[332] Who knows?
[333] You know, I've just got to be careful.
[334] White naturalists sleep on Brooklyn in, too.
[335] They wear it over their heads.
[336] They say, you know.
[337] I'm sure white nationalists are eating up the better help codes.
[338] Now look, if you're a white nationalist and you're listening, you're welcome to.
[339] If you want sheets to cut holes in Brooklyn.
[340] I'm sorry.
[341] But here's what's amazing to me. You go to this, it's a true story of you in 2018, I think, going to this meeting.
[342] You don't really announce your full identity and you're accepted into the group, although one guy has his eye on you.
[343] But you act this whole thing out and there's lots of terrific, wonderful asides and cul -de -sacs.
[344] It's not all just about this one night.
[345] But to me, the feat, which, really blew my mind is that the show is very funny and it is not angry.
[346] You know what I mean?
[347] There's something about it, which is you go and you experience these people and you bring them to life.
[348] I disagree with their beliefs violently, but you give them their humanity and you're not ranting and raving about them.
[349] You're experiencing them as human beings.
[350] And it's, it's very, very funny and delightful and not toxic.
[351] Empathetic.
[352] Empathetic, yeah.
[353] So what I did when I started, I started writing the show and I had help, my director, a lovely man named Adam Brace.
[354] We were talking once, my best friend for a long time, Adam.
[355] And Adam would always reference what the worst version of the joke would be.
[356] And so one day I was bored on a train to like a tour stop for this show early on, like literally February of 2020, like right before the pandemic.
[357] And I started writing the worst version of the show I was already doing.
[358] And I was like, what would be the worst and dumbest version of these jokes?
[359] One that was like desirous of victimhood and really angry and really tacky and really earnest or really cynical.
[360] And I wrote this like shitty version of the show, like the sort of dark side crap version of it.
[361] And every so often when the show would change, the show would change every day, I would compare against the shit version.
[362] Sorry to curse.
[363] of that, um, yeah, I don't know, no, no, we lost our deal with Nickelodeon.
[364] I know.
[365] You know who doesn't like cursing is the white national.
[366] Yeah, yeah.
[367] Well, fuck you guys.
[368] I'm not saying, but, um, hey, phone lines lighting up.
[369] Said Conan, not understanding podcasts.
[370] Wait, don't you have a podcast where you talk to the fans on the phone?
[371] Like, isn't that?
[372] That's another one.
[373] Okay, fine, yeah.
[374] Okay.
[375] But so I, so I would compare this thing.
[376] But yeah, I always, I wanted a show that wasn't going to be about like, do you know, Pauline Kale is?
[377] Pauline Kale, for any one of the great film critics of all time.
[378] Yeah.
[379] I was reading a book of her reviews and there was like little snippets of things she had only done a paragraph on.
[380] And she gave a review to this movie about the Nuremberg trials called Judgment at Nuremberg.
[381] Yes, judgment Nuremberg.
[382] And she says, I hate this movie because it takes a brave stance against being a Nazi.
[383] Yeah.
[384] And I wanted to make sure that I never did a show about neo -Nazis that took a brave stance against being a neo -Nazi?
[385] Because I assume that most people watching my show are aware that it's not amazing to be a neo -Nazi.
[386] So instead of being like, what does a version of this look like where instead of being like an early, like the daily show in that like when I was in high school and college did this tremendous job of being of sort of like gotcha comedy with like exposing the hypocrisy of, you know, like powerful figures.
[387] Yeah.
[388] Exactly.
[389] And folks and even regular people who were supporting the folks sycophantically.
[390] And I was watching some of those clips, and I was, and wow, they've really lost their zing because we know it now.
[391] Like, we know, there's no surprise being like, oh, a Trump supporter has double standards on morality, hell's shock, you know, like, it's really, yeah.
[392] And so I wanted to ask more interesting questions with that, like, you know, that unique opportunity and also I want to reckon with the difficult truth there, which is that I am in some ways, like, I like some of those people or share a point of view on one or two of the things that they're saying or think that like it and so like thought that would be a more interesting show and a more humane show especially given the like rancorous present that we live in yeah i think uh it's also that kind of comedy to me is more durable that's i always think is the is the prize to be shooting for so i thought this was really nicely done there was a bunch of things that i i noticed which is your physicality on stage you have a lot of energy and you're uh running around and you have sort of a comedic way of moving around the stage that was really making me laugh.
[393] Do you know what I'm talking?
[394] Do you know what I'm talking about?
[395] It's kind of this.
[396] I mean, I don't even know what's...
[397] It's called ADHD, Conan.
[398] Is that it?
[399] I was sorry.
[400] But yeah, you know...
[401] There it is, yeah.
[402] But, you know, the funny thing is that I realized some of that's a bad habit.
[403] Some of that's intentional and some of that's a bad habit.
[404] And I don't know any other way to bring this up, but Adam Brace, who was...
[405] And I know what's coming, because he helped you bring this to life.
[406] Yeah, he's my director, and like I said, my closest pal.
[407] We worked together on three other shows, and he passed away right before we started on Broadway.
[408] And so, you know, and so that sucked.
[409] Yeah.
[410] And he passed away very suddenly.
[411] It was a shock.
[412] Yeah, it was very surprising.
[413] And I think, actually, very inconsiderate of him, given he had work to do, but it's okay.
[414] Really not commensurate with this theatrical.
[415] critical responsibilities, but, but Brace, he told me when it was okay to move and when it was okay not to move.
[416] Like, there are moments in this show that are very, that are very anchored and still, and then there are moments where you run around and it's good because it puts a contrast on the moments where you're still because they're like, oh, wow, that guy sure moves a lot.
[417] And then like, oh, wait, he's really standing still for this.
[418] I guess this part's important.
[419] But, like, I've always had help from other people and I've always, like, wanted.
[420] Also, that's the other thing.
[421] The show was socialized with like a million comedians.
[422] Like, every comedian who came, I would, I would interrogate them for notes.
[423] Like Seinfeld came, and I was like, give me a note.
[424] All of these Was Seinfeld's note, bass notes in between scenes?
[425] Yeah, yeah.
[426] Because I found that to be off -putting.
[427] Yeah.
[428] Yeah, the Michael Richards cameo doesn't really fit, but we did have to cut around it.
[429] And I realized they were all anti -Semites.
[430] Yeah.
[431] Boing, doing, doing.
[432] They're all anti -Semites.
[433] Although, I remember when Seinfeld came, I remember thinking, how did anyone ever kill Abe Lincoln?
[434] Because the whole time the crowd wasn't watching me, they're watching Seinfeld?
[435] And I was like, wasn't there, like, most of the people at the play were like, is Lincoln enjoying the show?
[436] Yeah.
[437] What is Lincoln?
[438] What does Lincoln think of our American cousin?
[439] Oh, no, but look out.
[440] Like, but...
[441] The word thing is, most of them would have known John Wilkes, Booth.
[442] So it would have just been like, I think about that all the time.
[443] They would have literally thought like, oh, there's the president and, you know, there's George Clooney behind him.
[444] Hey, what did George Clooney just do?
[445] That's genuinely, I think about a console, but the thing is, it's like, it's his brother.
[446] It was like, his brother was Edwin Booth.
[447] Yeah.
[448] And Edwin Booth.
[449] And there's a theater on Broadway still named after Edwin Booth, which is like, how talented does that guy have to be?
[450] It's like, ooh, you know.
[451] Welcome to the Mark Bin Laden.
[452] in theater.
[453] And afterwards we'll all hit the we'll hit Oswald's for a stake.
[454] Damn, I hate what his brother did, but this is fantastic.
[455] And so funny you say that about your, about physicality because like other people, Morgan, the person who came with me to Conan, said, are you worried that if you move around on stage, Conan will see that you're just doing him.
[456] That's a different friendship.
[457] I have with Morgan.
[458] I was like, stood right there because, like, I also think you are, your influences.
[459] You're like, I'm a little bit like Brian Regan.
[460] I'm a little bit like, not to give, a little bit like you, a little bit like Gary Goldman, who's another great comic.
[461] Like, I have stolen from the diffuse.
[462] But the thing is, it's like, I just think it's, you know, I grew up watching Bob Newhart and Johnny Carson, and both of them were.
[463] so good at this kind of deadpan comedy and they got it directly from Jack Benny.
[464] And they were like, oh, no, what we're doing is Jack Benny.
[465] Jack Benny was doing someone that he saw when, you know, his, when he was a kid, probably on the vaudeville circuit, he saw someone else do that and that person saw someone do it in the Civil War.
[466] So we're all riffing off of each other and we even think we're doing that person, but we're not because I keep saying it's her.
[467] failure to be our idols that makes us come up with our own thing.
[468] You know, Tom Lehrer?
[469] Yeah.
[470] So, like, Tom Lerer is 90.
[471] Please, if you're listening to this, don't drop in on Tom Lererer.
[472] But he lives in Boston.
[473] And, like, a couple of months ago, I was in Boston, I guess a year ago now, I was in Boston.
[474] And I drove by his house.
[475] And I was like, you know what?
[476] I'll knock on Tom Lerner's door.
[477] And he's, do you know who he is?
[478] No, but it's such as, do you know him?
[479] No. Okay.
[480] And he's in his 90s.
[481] Did you have a weapon?
[482] Come with me, Tom.
[483] It's the 1920s and you're insane And we're allowed to use Butterfly Nets to take people away He was Kennedy's favorite comedian It's like I knocked on his door He didn't answer And I came back a couple days later That's when you got to really lean into it with your shoulder Give it a kick If the door won't go Hey listen if Tom Lera's door won't give right away Just really give it a kick Yeah Got him in a cage in the back Next to I'm 92 Next to the last mother's brother.
[484] You know, it's just like, Tom, you'll write for me. But yeah, I mean, like, eventually he was at home and he's a curmudgeon, but he's nice in his way, and we sat and talked, and next time I was in town, I was like email if you feel like coming by.
[485] He's saying prior notice.
[486] Yeah, prior notice is key.
[487] He thought it was the mailman, which is why he opened the door.
[488] It is really.
[489] Of course, the mailman outfit, you were aware.
[490] wearing help with that new gym I know how to get in package for you Lara it's chloroform you know you need to smell it to make sure it's yours go to sleep Tom Lera sleep I mean what's more irritating than just like some millennial being like hi I've got some questions about your songs about Verna von Braun but like but it was really but like also comedy is such a young art form Like, and it's so amazing when you think about it.
[491] Yeah.
[492] Carol Burnett knew Lucille Ball.
[493] Lucille Ball knew Mark Twain.
[494] Like, it's fucking crazy.
[495] They all knew each other.
[496] It's like if all of paintings history was in, it was in 100 years.
[497] It's like if you showed up at the studio and someone's like, Van Gogh wants to try some new pieces.
[498] Is that okay?
[499] Van Gogh is going to try some new pieces.
[500] And you're like, wait, do you know Picasso?
[501] Like, no, no. But I worked a couple months ago with this guy.
[502] He knows Picasso.
[503] He does, but he did it.
[504] He used to paint with Picasso back in the 70s of the improv.
[505] And now, like, it's crazy.
[506] it's really cool they're all still around or they're in the case of like bob newhart who i never met but always revered like they just passed away we get to breathe the same yeah bob was uh bob was everything you would want him to be times 10 every like literally just uh you'd want someone that brilliant uh and that thoughtful and disciplined about comedy to be an amazing person and he was that a thousand times over it's so cool this still i wonder what the right balance of like fan and professional is but now I don't try, I try not to pathologize it anymore.
[507] I'm not like asking for autographs and stuff like that, but like I'd be lying if I said it's like, I met Elaine May. Elaine May is still, Elaine May, Jane just performed for Candy.
[508] She and Mike Nichols went on before Marilyn Monroe at his birthday party.
[509] Yeah, where she sang happy birthday, Mr. President.
[510] Yeah.
[511] They were on before that in Madison Square Garden.
[512] Yes.
[513] By the way, I didn't realize that was at Madison Square.
[514] I thought that was like in private and like got out as a rumor.
[515] I didn't realize it was on.
[516] national TV.
[517] No, he sang that in front of JFK and JFK's wife.
[518] And JFK the entire time was like, uh, please.
[519] She's, she's, she's right, she's sitting right.
[520] Tone it down.
[521] She's right.
[522] She's right.
[523] Tone it down.
[524] I could be a little less with the, uh, cleavage.
[525] We could, uh, tone it down.
[526] She was actually not there.
[527] What?
[528] That ruins the joke.
[529] Is that true?
[530] Yeah, she wasn't there.
[531] What?
[532] I was always convinced that that was the thing.
[533] No, no. She was not there.
[534] Was it a special for NBC, though?
[535] Isn't it a special?
[536] I don't know that if it was a special, I mean, I've seen the footage a million times, but it was actually a tour.
[537] A million times.
[538] It's Marilyn Monroe in a tight dress going.
[539] Starting when I was 13 and ending when I was 17.
[540] I saw it a million times.
[541] No, not ending when I was 17.
[542] By the way, can you imagine the organizers?
[543] I orgasm to that this morning.
[544] Well, I'm sorry.
[545] It does seem very on brand for you.
[546] It does.
[547] You would.
[548] That is my porn.
[549] Yes.
[550] Well, time to watch Merrill again, sing happy birthday of the president.
[551] Poster of Hedy Lamar is behind me. I have a question, which is, you've done this show.
[552] This was years in the making, huge stage success.
[553] Then you bring it to television and it's nominated for an Emmy.
[554] And then there's got to be this feeling of, well, I'm saying goodbye to this now because I'm moving on.
[555] It's such a titanic piece of work.
[556] Do you have an idea of what the next thing is?
[557] Do you know what it is?
[558] I mean, I'm doing it and storing.
[559] It's not got a title yet.
[560] You know, the funny thing is that I sort of decided that it was going to end because 11 months after Adam died, that's when I, because that's all you sit, Shiva in Judaism.
[561] And also, it was the weirdest thing because it was the best thing that's ever happened to me, but it was braided with the saddest thing that's ever happened to me. Yep.
[562] Because, like, I can't stress how close I was with this guy.
[563] He was my only significant collaborator for a decade.
[564] And he understood me. It was like very personal relationship.
[565] And so the funny thing is I just couldn't do it anymore.
[566] But now I'm in this weird position of I'm doing this new show.
[567] I'm doing an hour and a half, new hour and a half of stand -up.
[568] And I feel has lost even more keenly because this is the part of the creative process where he'd be involved every single day listening to sets.
[569] giving notes, offering provocations, and so I don't really have that anymore.
[570] So the short answer to your question is, I'm doing the new show.
[571] So it's got to do with Israel and Palestine, very easy topic.
[572] And I also like hard comedy.
[573] You sold out.
[574] Now you're just going for big laughs.
[575] Yeah, absolutely.
[576] I told my agent, he's like, are you really going to do that Israel -Palestine thing?
[577] He used the phrase threatening.
[578] He's like, keep threatening and do the show.
[579] Are you going to do it?
[580] I was like, oh, yeah, I'm doing it.
[581] He's like, great.
[582] Do you want to call it, like, career suicide?
[583] He's like, that's a really good title.
[584] This could be at the risk of sounding, whatever, not superficial, but Pollyanna.
[585] There's one way to look at it, which is that Adam Brace is going to be with you.
[586] I think he was such a part of your collaboration.
[587] It sounds to me like he's going to be part of everything you do in the way that all these other people are as well.
[588] But I don't know if that's true.
[589] Like, I hope that's true.
[590] And I think about that all the time.
[591] because like he's not AI like the thing the thing that made him special to me beyond the fact that he was deep but you know we were in sync in our in our sort of performance morals and um had lots of different to but beyond the thing the particulars that made us such good friends and collaborators he surprised me constantly and so and so anything that um that comes now from adam even if i have it will be entirely within the realm of my own understanding.
[592] But also, you're, you know, it is comforting, I think that, that I, but I also wish I'd listened more.
[593] I wish I'd paid close.
[594] I never thought it was running out of time.
[595] He was 42.
[596] It's like if two people made an album together and then the album went, one of them died and the album went bananas and the person who's left over kept, kept having to do it and it was changing their life completely.
[597] Yeah.
[598] Like, what a weird, crazed experience to have.
[599] And, um, someone called me, like, three days after he died.
[600] It was like, are you looking for a new director?
[601] No, it's like, I was like, buddy.
[602] And he was like, I'd love to throw my hat in the ring.
[603] And it was so, it was such a nice, it was such a nice thing to feel.
[604] I said, you were so wrong for it.
[605] I said it'd be like hiring a pig to fly an airplane.
[606] Like, you can't do it.
[607] Like, there's no way.
[608] This was Seinfeld.
[609] Yeah.
[610] Yeah, Jerry was like, we got to put the base in.
[611] you know what i wanted to ask you yeah newman shows up halfway through newman shows up as one of the white supremacists yeah newman yeah um i did want to ask you about you say it in the special and i believe you actually do it which is you say in the special i'm available to talk to everybody in the lobby after the show yeah and no one does that and the reason i brought it up why it struck me is that it seemed like an impulse i would have which is i would want to talk to everybody afterwards.
[612] I don't know where my thing comes from.
[613] Where does yours come from?
[614] I think it comes from you.
[615] No, I'm serious.
[616] I think it comes from the comics that I love, it felt like there was a person -to -person aspect to it.
[617] The comedy voices that I, there was a sort of mystique in their utter accessibility as if sort of getting to where their consciousness lay was a collective responsibility.
[618] like everyone's job is to figure out what's wrong with me. And so like I always like that.
[619] And also, by the way, this show is truly something I believe.
[620] Like, I really believe that we need to have less rancorous conversations.
[621] I do think that we live in this really toxic time where people with profound and fundamental differences have like, aren't speaking to each other.
[622] Like, there are members of my family who will not talk to me. over Israel and Palestine.
[623] Like, they just won't.
[624] Like, it's a really, and I think that, like, there is something to being able to have a conversation with anyone, no matter what they believe.
[625] And, like, I thought that, well, if I believe that, then I should talk to anyone in the crowd who, when I started doing the show, it was actually very charged.
[626] Like, people were fascinated with one of the questions at the center of the show, which is whether or not Jews are white.
[627] People have very strong opinions about it.
[628] Jews are strong opinions about it, non -Jews of strong opinions about it.
[629] White people love strong opinions about people of color.
[630] strong opinions about it.
[631] And for a while, people wanted to talk to me about it afterwards or confront me until, by the way, I figured out things in the show where I totally explained myself and those questions died down somewhat.
[632] But like, I made myself available to like, you know, stand by or argue with, you know, anything that like, and also it was, it was informing things in the show, which is so crazy, which is such a gift that you don't get in like narrative, usually.
[633] it's like if you're watching Titanic and like at some point Leonardo Cabrero looks into the camera and it's like people get really sad here where we hit the iceberg you know like when we hit the iceberg people are like oh my God or he looks in he's like look I know the door is big enough but I know you think the door is big enough but this is more powerful yeah this is more powerful yeah but so like getting that live feedback is really good what do you laugh in that systemically The door is big enough.
[634] Yeah, but I think part of him knew this relationship, we hit a high.
[635] It's not, we're going to move into a walkup in New York.
[636] He wanted to die.
[637] I just think he knew, get out on a high note.
[638] That's a hot take.
[639] He just did it.
[640] I don't know about that.
[641] We just did it in an antique car.
[642] Rose.
[643] Rose.
[644] Where are my shoes, Rose?
[645] Yeah.
[646] Where are my shoes?
[647] I got to go to the office.
[648] You're right.
[649] When you lost him.
[650] Oh, I should have stayed insane.
[651] Yeah.
[652] Yeah, that's right.
[653] Yeah.
[654] I could have lived a life of luxury.
[655] You could have held onto the necklace, too.
[656] His drawings aren't selling.
[657] You want to go?
[658] Hey, there's an antique car.
[659] We could go in the back and we could.
[660] Nah, nah.
[661] I don't want to.
[662] She made him give up the art to go into insurance.
[663] I could have been, because.
[664] Because of my ass.
[665] We live in New Rochelle.
[666] Yeah, yeah.
[667] Oh, man. But it was an amazing, it was an amazing thing.
[668] And also, you know, I had never done anything where people were coming up to me afterwards.
[669] And after a while, it got a little intense where people were like, they really want to talk about this thing that I couldn't find people to talk about with.
[670] Like, talk about identity and the vicissitudes of whiteness and what is identity look like if you take victimhood completely out of the equation.
[671] And so, like, people would have really good conversations with me, and they would factor into the show.
[672] And by the way, people said to me, they were upset about something.
[673] I always found negative feedback really helpful, too, because I'm like, well, I'm not quite connecting something, though.
[674] I need to explain it a little bit.
[675] And Adam and I would have these big discussions, huge discussions about what goes into the show, what doesn't go on the show.
[676] And, like, it was a really, I thought the, although the Q &A sometimes I would do Q &As if people asked.
[677] And they were insane.
[678] Like, people would, especially after October 7th.
[679] Yeah, yeah.
[680] We were on tour when October 7th happened.
[681] And my next shows were in San Francisco, like, October 25th.
[682] And people were just crazy on the internet after that.
[683] And so, like, someone was like, I'm going to, uh, someone sent me an Instagram DM or I left a comment that was like, I'm going to come to San Francisco on October 26th and behead you in front of your Zionist buddies.
[684] And I was like, I was like, well, we have shows on the 25th and the 27th.
[685] And so, like, I'm not going to.
[686] gonna show up just for the beheading you know like it's like a teenager in tunisia like fucking not gonna get his freaking fire miles together and come and do it like yeah sure but it was just and by the way that's not a real threat but like the i'm just saying the volume was so high yes and so like and then it was a little bit cathartic to do that show it's a little bit cathartic to do a show about um the requirement for you know the need for empathy in like a um other didn't make me shut down comments on that specific post.
[687] But, um, it, like, the need for empathy in that time.
[688] Yeah.
[689] Like, I don't, I'm doing stand -up now, but I don't know if it's a solo show yet, because I don't know if there's, like, a thing that I feel this, like, desperate need to say that is both timely and timeless.
[690] Like, I've been doing this show over five years.
[691] Everyone's always like, what a timely show.
[692] I'm like, well, I guess, you know, I guess, like, how we speak to each other is something that we're always going to be concerned with.
[693] And, like, it really, and sorry, the point of, like, I don't know, I feel like it would be nice to figure out another way to talk about how we speak to each other and how we like listen to each other without being like very po -faced and like idealistic in a way that's not pragmatic so like it's a really um or also uh as we think we use this for before this term self -righteous that i think that's the part is when is when in our anger especially and i see it a lot in comedy people like i inhabit the right but i don't mean politically right left i inhabit the true vision i see it and if you don't then damn you and I think now that's not that's not what we're here to do it also is boring like I think we're there like politically I think we're there where no one where like things that are brave and things that are right might not be the same thing which is interesting right like I have this joke that I've been working on about and the jokes nowhere near ready but it's about sort of how like the only brave people left in New York City or a Republican Because it's so easy to be liberal, we're correct.
[694] Yeah.
[695] So, like, it takes no, like, balls to say, like, you know, all the stuff that a normal person would say, it takes balls is to look at, like, look at all the, you know, all the easy stuff to believe and be like, no, I hate homeless people, let him die.
[696] And you're like, why?
[697] Taxes.
[698] You know, like, it's a very, right.
[699] It's a really interesting.
[700] I know.
[701] But I think that's a Jewish upbringing, by the way.
[702] It's like a love of great areas, a love of, you know, a love of nuance, past the point where it's useful.
[703] Dialogue and, yeah.
[704] Dialog is a whole thing.
[705] You talk about this, too, arguing.
[706] Arguing, yeah.
[707] My bench calls it productive overlapping.
[708] Like, I brought a girlfriend home once and she was like, oh, my God, are you guys going to be okay after that fight?
[709] I was like, what?
[710] That was dinner.
[711] And she was like, but wait, are you guys still, are you got, do you need to like apologize?
[712] I was like, no. I was like, that's how we figure out how we feel.
[713] Like, we scream at each other and so I'll make a good point.
[714] We're like, good point, you know?
[715] Like, it's a really, really fun.
[716] Well, that's where you and I part comes because in my house, no one ever openly disagreed with someone else you swallow it and you turn it into a cancer inside your body yeah yeah that's irish catholicism right then you eat a lot of ham and the ham neutralizes the cancer that's the i see so that's what we did i think we got our we got to we got to call this one because oh my god i'm so sorry we've been talking about that's what it's called a podcast this is great no yeah you're you're being an insane person uh this has uh been a fantastic uh conversation and um i've said it before but just for us is really special and it's on max it's on max which you're familiar with i'm familiar with max just for us uh is uh is is really a must see and it's on max and best of luck uh at the emmys and this is all the gravy part like the emmys it those award shows they work out they don't work out but you did the work and it's really brilliant.
[717] And then the next, you know, I, 1 ,000 percent confident, you'll find the next thing and you'll figure that out because, good Lord, you have the goods.
[718] And it's really been a pleasure getting to know you a little better.
[719] Can I say one thing, which is that the first time I got to do stand -up on television was your show.
[720] And it still is like one of the best moments of my, you know, entire life.
[721] And it was such a, it was such a confidence boost in a time when I really needed it.
[722] And you were so nice about it.
[723] It was, and this, this is really, this was really, even though I'm apprehensive about being your friend, I really do.
[724] This is really cool for me. And that was, that was, I've got, I've got a cue card framed.
[725] I like, it just, it meant the world to me and still does.
[726] No, no, no, we don't give those away.
[727] No, it's mine.
[728] Guys, thanks so much for having me. Hey, Alex, a real, real pleasure and best of luck to you.
[729] Hey, we haven't done review the reviewers in quite some time.
[730] This is where I combed through the Apple podcast reviews, and we comment on the comments that they've made about this show.
[731] Yeah, it's payback time.
[732] Is that what you're saying?
[733] And by the way, you have to rate five stars for us to even consider these things.
[734] Yeah.
[735] You know what I'm saying?
[736] I think that's a very good way to keep me in my bubble so that I think it's only five stars.
[737] It is.
[738] It's only five stars.
[739] As far as you know, it's only five stars.
[740] out of 100 Okay This one I just feel like We need to discuss It's submitted by B -M -K -H -H -H -D -N -L -D -G B -M -K -L -H -K -D -N -L -D -G I think a cat walked across the keyboard The subject is yippie And the body of the comment is simply this Yo, get moist on Yeah, fuck to us Is that what does it mean?
[741] Is that, that was my initial reaction.
[742] They're saying, like, this is something to get moist to.
[743] This is background music for fucking.
[744] Is that, that's, the thing.
[745] We, we make, we do, we do, we do, we do fucking stuff.
[746] You're, what, what is happening with you?
[747] I feel like someone just hit you with nine Novakane blow darts.
[748] You're saying that, uh, get moist on.
[749] What do you, moist, I can't think of, I think we are an, I, I think that we are a prophylactic.
[750] I think that.
[751] the birth rate drops when my voice is heard.
[752] I don't know.
[753] I go back and forth.
[754] I think it goes up when my voice is heard.
[755] You think so, huh?
[756] People are out there.
[757] They're fucking to your voice.
[758] So what happens is they start going at it and then I cut in and go, well, another thing and they go, bleh.
[759] And they stop immediately.
[760] It's constantly getting erected and getting flaccid.
[761] Stirring the conversation.
[762] Well, you do that fast enough.
[763] That's pleasurable for certain people.
[764] The way you acted at it, with your finger, acts like the penis goes out and then retract.
[765] Yeah, you also, what's with the red rum?
[766] Bling, bling, bling, bling.
[767] This is, you know, the penis.
[768] It comes out and then it goes back inside.
[769] Another day of winter.
[770] Okay.
[771] I'm done.
[772] Well, okay, so that was the comment.
[773] That was my interpretation.
[774] That's all.
[775] That's all we got from that.
[776] What a horrible country we live in.
[777] I can give you another one if you like.
[778] Yeah, give me another one because that person's perverted.
[779] That comment is not a comment to get moist on.
[780] No. Okay.
[781] This is from K -E -R San Fran Subject is peeing Is in my future Thanks Conan and team For being too funny So much so that sometimes I'm laughing so hard I pee a little This is your fault It was never something that happened before And only is an issue When listening to your pod I hope it happens to you all Someday soon Great show by the way That's really nice First of all I don't think it's our fault This person may have a problem With their urethra And it's important that whoever you are you get checked out because our show I think is funny but it's not pee your pants funny so I want to say right now if you've peed your pants while listening to this podcast you need to see a urologist immediately what if you've peed your pants while recording this podcast well that is something maybe you and I should talk about a little more I think that's do you think he's a woman or she's a girl because if she's a woman then maybe it's her pelvic floor oh a weak pelvic floor Can a man have a weak pelvic floor?
[782] I don't know enough about men's stuff.
[783] Well, all the better, then hold forth.
[784] Keep talking.
[785] I love it when most of the media is people talking who have no idea what they're talking about.
[786] All I know is from a woman's per.
[787] I don't know what it.
[788] Do you know?
[789] I don't.
[790] I know about the pelvic floor when it comes to a woman's stuff.
[791] I think for a man, it's the prostate or the bladder and it's nothing to do with floors or ceilings.
[792] But, you know, when people say this was pee your pants funny.
[793] Yeah.
[794] I've laughed very hard in my life.
[795] never come close to that.
[796] So I always thought it was just a phrase, but not something anyone could actually do.
[797] It can happen.
[798] Definitely almost peed.
[799] And sometimes even peed a little when I laughed at a lot.
[800] And that would be around me because I'm the funniest person you know.
[801] No, she's marking her territory as like, stay away.
[802] Yeah.
[803] I don't think I've ever even come close to peeing with you around.
[804] So you've laughed really hard, hard enough to pee.
[805] Yeah.
[806] But not around me. Yeah, probably.
[807] Oh, come on.
[808] I'm like.
[809] in the history books are funny and you're talking what made you laugh so?
[810] You probably watched.
[811] I actually think I remember a time when I've peed and obviously I was a little high and then my years and years ago, this was before I even had kids.
[812] We were, my friend Christina and I were watching something and we did a deep, we were playing with the DVD player and I pressed eject and then the DVD player thing ejected and then I walked up and the whole time I was like, why is there even an inject button on the remote?
[813] And we laugh so hard.
[814] I peed my pants.
[815] Wait a minute.
[816] That's what made you laugh so hard.
[817] Oh my God.
[818] So she's saying you're not as funny as that.
[819] So I've never risen to that level.
[820] I've never risen to why isn't there an eject button on the remote?
[821] Why is there an eject button?
[822] You have to get up and go to the machine anyway.
[823] What's what's the point of the eject button?
[824] But that's not funny.
[825] That's more just a question of like, huh, I wonder.
[826] I think you're confusing humor with A sign -self routine.
[827] How does the moon affect tides?
[828] I'm just curious.
[829] Oh, no!
[830] I peed myself.
[831] Maybe it was the tide.
[832] But why is there a reject button?
[833] It's just, you have to go to the machine.
[834] It's like, what's the point?
[835] Please don't ask one more kind of interesting question because I might shit myself.
[836] How can, you think science will ever be able to maybe register when a tectonic plate shift is going to happen?
[837] No, no!
[838] I just filled my jeans!
[839] That wasn't comedy.
[840] Those are questions.
[841] No, you don't have to be there.
[842] If she was one of Socrates students.
[843] Because Socrates used to just ask questions.
[844] You know, what is it?
[845] Is the soul given to us at birth?
[846] Or is it, Socrates!
[847] I got to leave!
[848] Why is that, Theodalus?
[849] I just filled my toga!
[850] Stop asking questions.
[851] You know, it just...
[852] That's insane.
[853] What a great garment to pee in, though.
[854] A toga?
[855] You can't fill a toga.
[856] No, it's just...
[857] It's out there.
[858] It's like everywhere's a toilet.
[859] You ring it out and then you just shift it around a little bit.
[860] Come on.
[861] You do.
[862] So that the wet spot moves up the back.
[863] That's what I'd do.
[864] I'm not saying anything that's...
[865] Listen, what I just said is probably what a lot of Romans and Greeks were thinking.
[866] Oh, were they...
[867] And probably doing.
[868] I think they were changing.
[869] Oops.
[870] Just had a little accident.
[871] Ring, ring.
[872] Slides.
[873] slide.
[874] Hey, your shoulder looks moist.
[875] Couldn't have been pee.
[876] What are we talking about?
[877] Here's the thing.
[878] Here's the thing.
[879] Don't enable this.
[880] Why are we talking about this?
[881] It's beneath us.
[882] No, it's not.
[883] Although if you move the toad, it won't be beneath you.
[884] Oh, boo!
[885] Yay!
[886] Da -da -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -a -da -a -da.
[887] Oh, what's that say?
[888] Oh, it says rap.
[889] Sometimes I rap for time.
[890] Sometimes I rap for contact.
[891] I can't believe that German umpapa band just came in and played to celebrate my great quip about urine -soaked toga shifting.
[892] Okay, let's get into it.
[893] No, this is a segment where it just ended.
[894] Oh, there is no getting into it.
[895] We're ending the episode.
[896] You know, someone recently asked me, they say, I really love the podcast.
[897] They said, they really love the podcast, and they're telling me how much they like it.
[898] And they said, one question, are you really that?
[899] infused all the time.
[900] Stop, I'm going to pee.
[901] Well, God bless you all.
[902] There, that's the ending.
[903] We were all waiting for a peace -out, Tupac.
[904] Good, good, good.
[905] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goorley.
[906] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.
[907] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow.
[908] Theme song by The White Stripe.
[909] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[910] Take it away, Jimmy.
[911] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[912] Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
[913] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
[914] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
[915] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[916] Got a question for Conan?
[917] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.
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[920] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.