MFM Minisode 225

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] I'm welcome.

[2] That's my favorite murder.

[3] It's the minisodes.

[4] Oh.

[5] This is the one where you send us stories and we read them aloud back to you.

[6] We sure do.

[7] You want to go first?

[8] Sure.

[9] The subject line of this email that we got sent is, Silly branding almost killed me. Hi, Karen, Georgia and the rest of y 'all.

[10] Hope all is well and everyone is staying safe and getting vaccinated.

[11] I grew up in upstate New York, the Adirondacks during the early 2000.

[12] So I was always exploring and the kid who everyone thought was kidnapped during hide and seek because I hid for a little too long.

[13] As a kid, I was nonverbal.

[14] So that didn't help.

[15] And then in parentheses, it says, teachers thought I was deaf.

[16] So they sent me to a deaf academy and realized I wasn't deaf when I stood up when a fire alarm was going on.

[17] Oh, my God.

[18] Amazing.

[19] Then it just says, that being said, dot, dot, dot.

[20] One summer day, my four -year -old self was playing in my family friend's shed when I saw a large metal can with soda branding on it.

[21] Of course, I decided to drink it because I'm stupid.

[22] My mom's friend, Tita, found me in her yard, passed out a few minutes later because I accidentally drank racing fuel gasoline.

[23] The race car on the can's label was sponsored by Pepsi.

[24] Oh!

[25] I couldn't verbalize what happened, but I pointed out.

[26] to the can when my Tita woke me up.

[27] She didn't want to call 911 because she was undocumented.

[28] So she gave me Ipacac syrup, put her fingers down my little throat, and pushed on my stomach until she smelled the fuel come back up.

[29] I ended up throwing up all over her yard.

[30] And she thought that was the end of that.

[31] But that night her dog ended up eating my vomit and then in parentheses, sorry, this is gross.

[32] Oh my God.

[33] And got sick as well.

[34] Thankfully, the dog and I survived that day because of my Tita.

[35] Now I'm 22 years old and graduated with my BFA in graphic design working as a branding slash packaging designer.

[36] So hopefully I won't make the same mistake as that branding designer made.

[37] Thank you both for always cheering up my days with your excellent storytelling and humor.

[38] Stay safe.

[39] Don't put food slash soda labels on lethal fluids.

[40] And then parentheses, I think this type of branding is illegal now.

[41] Yeah, I was going to say.

[42] But also don't be the kid who drinks it.

[43] Love, Melanie.

[44] It's Melanie, not on you.

[45] What an epic story of why, why, I can't believe in the early 2000s.

[46] They weren't better at diagnosing and sending them to specialists, first of all.

[47] Because she could have gotten so much help that wasn't available because of simple.

[48] adults not fucking doing their jobs, right?

[49] Look, okay.

[50] The American school system is, is at issue at the top of this.

[51] But to me, I think what Melanie learned the lesson of, but we should all keep in mind is if you're in an old shed, drink nothing.

[52] Yes.

[53] Yes.

[54] There's a context clue situation here where yes, there was Pepsi branding.

[55] Yeah.

[56] But that's going to happen sometimes in life.

[57] And You have to know if you're in a shed, there's no beverages.

[58] There's no fresh beverages.

[59] I bet she never made that mistake again, A. So it was a learning experience.

[60] I also, now can we move on to the topic of immigration and how this is what happens when people are too scared.

[61] Same with sex work.

[62] Too scared to report their issues because they'll be the issue and be victimized.

[63] Let's talk about that.

[64] So many issues.

[65] And let's praise that.

[66] Epicac, everyone who has children.

[67] Yeah, I was going to say, now the final issue, letting your dog eat bark, which is right, we can't be with them all the time.

[68] You know, this is, this is a jam -packed, fully layered email from Melanie.

[69] I don't know how much follow it.

[70] That then has like the beautiful lesson at the end of like, now I'm a graphic designer so that never happens to any child in a shed ever again.

[71] It's a story of hope.

[72] Melanie, thank you for writing that in.

[73] What a gorgeous layered story.

[74] She did it.

[75] Thank you for writing that to us.

[76] All right.

[77] This is all mine are about parents, which is always a good thing.

[78] This is called The Time My Husband blew up his best friend.

[79] Hey, hey all y 'all.

[80] And welcome to the clan cookie.

[81] Thank you.

[82] In a recent minisodes, you asked for the dumbest thing you saw another kid do when you were a kid.

[83] Or something like that.

[84] I don't, I know you probably don't remember exactly and anything goes at this point.

[85] So I'm not going back and transcribe it verbatim.

[86] Hey, no one's asking it to.

[87] Calm down.

[88] Very defensive.

[89] This isn't technically that, but it is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing and it involves my husband more than a decade before I would meet him.

[90] This is a little graphic, by the way.

[91] Let's set the scene.

[92] It is 1983 in suburban Philadelphia, a middle class neighborhood whose residents were mostly cops and firefighters and were all of the children.

[93] were a latchkey.

[94] My husband was 12 and his neighborhood best friend at the time was C. We'll use initials to protect the dumbassness.

[95] The son of a cop.

[96] In Philly, like in most big cities, fireworks were contraband and the police would regularly stop kids and confiscate their stashes.

[97] Once confiscated, at least back in the 80s, some cops would not destroy said fireworks or put them away for safekeeping in some Indiana Jones style warehouse, but instead bring them home to their own kids to play with.

[98] Then it says, try not to be too shocked at the hypocrisy.

[99] So, C has ate access to all of these stolen fireworks and somehow my husband managed to convince C to not set them off as soon as they were brought home, but instead hoard them and like the child with the most self -control in the marshmallow experiment, save them for a bigger, better, or reward.

[100] You know where this is going.

[101] My husband, as he tells it, had a vision.

[102] He had a plan.

[103] And that plan was that my husband, along with C and T, another accomplice, would dig a giant hole in my husband's backyard, a deep hole that would require three preteen boys to dig.

[104] They would then fill the hole with fireworks, cover the pile of illegal explosives with a mound of dirt, light a long wick placed in the hole from a safe distance, and then enjoy the fruits of their labor, a fireworks display worthy of the city that birthed in.

[105] independence.

[106] How well is this written?

[107] Well, great.

[108] But I was going to say, this is straight up wily coyote shit of like, these are boys that watched a cartoon.

[109] Sorry, where are you getting that wick?

[110] That's made up.

[111] All of this is completely from cartoons.

[112] Well, if one of them has a firefighter dad, then they probably know how to make it out of tools that I can't even pretend to make up.

[113] As a person with a firefighter dad, I say probably.

[114] not.

[115] Chances are probably not.

[116] Okay, fair enough.

[117] And then it says, however, period.

[118] I know there that's going.

[119] See, place the fish, the finishing touches on the mound of dirt covering the hole.

[120] And against my husband's instructions, sea lit the wick while standing over the mound.

[121] This is why children should not have access to it.

[122] There was an explosion.

[123] They got that part right.

[124] And it blue sea across the yard, taking most of the skin on his legs with it.

[125] Yeah.

[126] bare men are not surprised by this okay but the dumb assery but the dumb assery doesn't stop there because my husband and T the other kid fully realizing the gravity of this situation God these stories are for stories are so similar did not call an ambulance or even seize parents instead they helped him back across the street to his own home put C on the couch sprayed his legs down with solacane no solar cane what is that sunburns it's for sunburn I didn't know that I'm from California and I didn't know that which it explains a lot of me because you tan you don't burn so you're not to the childhood of sunburns but solar cane on exposed broken skin no you're not supposed we got Epicac we got solar care we've got kids okay covered him with a blanket which is so bad for burnt skin, of course.

[127] And there's going to be a lot of lint in those open wounds.

[128] Yeah, yes.

[129] And turned on the people's court.

[130] And then these two kids, they went to the movies.

[131] Bye.

[132] Bye.

[133] When C's mother, who thank God was a nurse, came home hours later, she found C in shock and covered in third degree burns.

[134] Yeah.

[135] Yeah.

[136] And she called the much needed ambulance.

[137] See spent the rest of the summer in the hospital having skin.

[138] removed from his ass to create skin grafts for his legs, his little legs.

[139] This is why we don't do latchkey anymore.

[140] No, yeah.

[141] This is why fireworks are illegal.

[142] This is why cartoons aren't the same as they use.

[143] Right.

[144] Like there's so many, this is so, it's an anachronistic, a little anecdote of horror.

[145] Yeah.

[146] And yet, see, he never snitched.

[147] And my husband and Tee never faced any consequences.

[148] for blowing sea up and leaving him for dead.

[149] Wait, so, okay.

[150] Kids, man. You say it.

[151] You're totally right.

[152] Whatever it is.

[153] Then what cover story?

[154] I blew my own legs up alone?

[155] I think so, man. This kid wouldn't snitch.

[156] He's no rat.

[157] He's in Philadelphia.

[158] I feel like you get taught.

[159] It'd be one thing if they were all like, oh, we're super scared and we're upset and this is horrible.

[160] Those two motherfuckers went to the movies.

[161] Yeah.

[162] I wonder what they saw in Indiana Jess.

[163] assholes.

[164] Fuck it.

[165] I hope they went Indiana Jones and then when the part where they open the arc and the guy's face melts, I hope they both started crying.

[166] Oh my God.

[167] Oops.

[168] Yeah.

[169] Kids, man. Thank you all for the podcast.

[170] Your humor, your friendship, your compassion and your honesty.

[171] You've been a safe harbor during this dark storm.

[172] Stay sexy and don't blow up your friends.

[173] Teresa.

[174] Yeah.

[175] Tail.

[176] I mean, hopefully.

[177] was it C the burned child?

[178] I mean, hopefully this is like a story he enjoys telling these days and it's that vibe.

[179] It's quite a, if he's the best man and she or whoever's a wedding, that's his speech.

[180] Here's how much I love him.

[181] I never snitched.

[182] Mom, guess what?

[183] I'm not seeing those friendships, you know, continuing through into junior high.

[184] I'm just not.

[185] It doesn't seem likely.

[186] It's a rough tale to tell.

[187] Maybe I should.

[188] As you lay in that hospital, you'd just be like, huh.

[189] Yeah.

[190] Maybe better decisions.

[191] I don't think so.

[192] Or in my future.

[193] You know what?

[194] It's because we asked for these.

[195] That's why this all is like a theme with that kind of love.

[196] So continuing with.

[197] Oh, I won't read you at this object playing because it gives it away, but it says it's something violent.

[198] And then it says, lighthearted.

[199] Hello.

[200] My brother and I spent our early childhood in southern Alaska.

[201] And for that reason, we were usually running wild and playing in the woods around the property line.

[202] I was about five and my brother was like three -ish when one day we were climbing a tree that had half fallen.

[203] You don't want it falling all the way because that would be too safe.

[204] Yeah, that'd be too close to the ground for a three and five -year -old.

[205] Oh, my God, three.

[206] Three.

[207] Oh, you're in charge, five -year -old.

[208] Yeah, good luck.

[209] And, you know, those things you don't know anything about, like, horrifying slivers or poisonous spiders, go find out on your own.

[210] Oh, my God.

[211] Okay, so it says, it was slanting enough to where two little kids could shimmy up and hang about five feet from the ground.

[212] Who knows what he was doing, but my brother did something to make me mad, and I gave him a shove.

[213] He fell right out of the tree and onto his back.

[214] I immediately did the, oh, shit, you're okay, you're okay, routine.

[215] when my brother sat up with a big grin on his face.

[216] Do that again, he cried happily.

[217] He's a toddler.

[218] Sorry, he's not a kid.

[219] That is a toddler.

[220] So I called him back up.

[221] He shimmied, stood up on the fallen tree, and I gave him another good show.

[222] He's like, that makes my brain feel good when it waffled.

[223] He fell again.

[224] Oh, my God.

[225] It was right then that my mom looked out the kitchen window.

[226] Convinced I was trying to actively kill my brother, parentheses, and her favorite child.

[227] Let's be honest.

[228] She sped walked out the front door toward us in that specific way moms do when you're about to fucking get it.

[229] Oh my God.

[230] It's very specific.

[231] I tried to explain myself, but she was already checking on my brother and simultaneously telling me off.

[232] I'm sure I was grounded or something, but I can't really remember past the part where my mom caught me pushing a literal three -year -old out of a tree because he asked me to.

[233] Stay sexy.

[234] And don't push your siblings off of anything.

[235] even if they ask you to, Grace.

[236] Here's how I would end that.

[237] If you put a five -year -old in charge, it's your fault as the adult that they did something, not their fault of it until they're like 16.

[238] It's on you, parent.

[239] It's, yeah, because if she had sent those two kids out into just an empty flat field, then everything's good.

[240] But if you're looking out into that field and there's all kinds of like active nature.

[241] Nature danger.

[242] Yeah.

[243] You can't really.

[244] She knew the terrain.

[245] Either the sister was going to push him out of the tree or nature was going to push him out of the tree.

[246] Remember when we would babysit babies at 11, at 10 years old at an 11?

[247] Sure.

[248] And then they'd put two of them together that were friends.

[249] So it's like a 22 -year -old if you add their ages together.

[250] If that's the way it works, sure.

[251] That's a way you could rationalize it.

[252] All right.

[253] Okay.

[254] Spray first, apologize later.

[255] Lighthearted.

[256] What up, MFM?

[257] I'll try to keep this as Reader's Digest version as I can.

[258] My mom and I are very close, meaning she wasn't the best at parenting, so we hung out quite a bit.

[259] That's how it goes.

[260] We had to move around a lot due to insufficient funds literally all the time.

[261] At one point, we were moving, and my mom and I had a couple of Mike's special limit.

[262] going through our junk to, quote, get rid of and, quote, no, wait, I might use that soon now that I'm looking at it.

[263] In which I found a pepper spray can.

[264] I had never actually used one before, and I began inspectioned to get me out of actually packing.

[265] Mom was talking to me about how she had it just in case, but let's be real, it was in a box of tangled string and loose clips.

[266] I'm really safe.

[267] I had seen an expiration date of three years prior to when this happened.

[268] So I laughed out loud and said to mom, hey, I wonder if this still works.

[269] Then I proceeded to lightly tap the trigger thing.

[270] And then all caps, I pepper sprayed my mom.

[271] She was screeching like a banshee and I couldn't help that awkward combo of, I'm so sorry, through hardcore laughing.

[272] Yes.

[273] After a handful of minutes, we managed to get her eyes to open comfortably.

[274] Thank whoever she was laughing at the end too.

[275] I can't help but think about you ladies' relationships with your mothers and maybe Georgia can get a better closeness with her mom if she pepper sprayed her.

[276] Definitely.

[277] Thank you all for everything and sincerely I love listening and showing my mom your episodes while we hang out.

[278] I truly am happy you guys exist.

[279] Karen, I hope your mom won't look down at me and be mad that I didn't offer to take my mother to the hospital, which probably should have been an option.

[280] stay sexy and pepper spray your mom Brooklyn it's a good learning experience what I think is funny is Brooklyn never said how old they were so at the beginning when the Mike's Hard Lemonade thing came up I'm like this girl nine one of those kind of stories yeah I thought so too well yeah I bet she worked her years of resentments when one quick one quick pepper spray One little.

[281] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[282] Absolutely.

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[300] Goodbye.

[301] Okay.

[302] This last one that I was so excited to get to, the subject line is the human dartboard.

[303] Oh, fuck.

[304] You asked for stories of crazy shit people have witnessed other people getting stuck in their bodies.

[305] I don't remember that and I don't know what it means.

[306] it's crazy shit people have witnessed other people getting stuck in their bodies this must have been a riff on all the things we were saying last time of like because there was a bunch of great ones that were um like of course you idiot like why would you do that kid stuff yeah i think this was this was like an addition to i was thinking of when you have those night waking nightmares and you can't move your body and you're stuck in your body not things stuck in your body now i understand oh yeah yeah yeah yeah No, things from coming from the outside and going in.

[307] Okay.

[308] Years ago, my friends and I lived immediately next to a college we never attended, parentheses, but I am banned from.

[309] Different story.

[310] Naturally our neighbors were a mix of party people, stoners, and a few stray families.

[311] The school's lacrosse players lived across the way, and were always doing unusual things in front of open windows.

[312] One afternoon in early spring, we decided.

[313] to watch the block jocks while smoking weed as we refinished a coffee table.

[314] Think of a bunch of drunk 20 -year -olds tanning on a muddy lawn during what we call fake spring in Buffalo.

[315] Two guys were being particularly rowdy and one quickly stood up as if he were summoning the other guy to a duel.

[316] He gave a third guy his beer, motioned, watch this, and walked a few paces as his opponent moved toward the center of the sidewalk.

[317] in one swift motion Lacksbro, extraordinaire launched a dart directly into his friend's bare chest.

[318] Yes, a real dart in his chest.

[319] Oh my God.

[320] This dude seemed kind of surprised and immediately looked down to see the dart sticking out of his pectoral muscle.

[321] After taking a second to process what had just happened to him, the young gun decides to whip out his phone and take a selfie.

[322] I can only assume that was posted with an underwhelming hashtag.

[323] The party, immediately resumed and he walked around with the dart in his chest for some unknown period of time thereafter.

[324] Obviously, we didn't do anything because our stoned asses were so shook that we weren't fully sure it happened in the first place.

[325] All in all, I'm glad he was fine, but damn, was that planned?

[326] Stay sexy and get consent before impaling your friends, Kate.

[327] I don't have words for that one.

[328] But it's pretty, it's pretty, Bro -y.

[329] It's pretty intense and bro -y.

[330] I like that we might go down a direction like this.

[331] It opens up a whole world of bro -stories that could be very fun.

[332] Also, I like the attitude of the guy that got darted, where he's just like, this is an important moment for all of us.

[333] Yeah.

[334] Like, let's capture this and really remember it in the future.

[335] And I'm not going to let dart throw or why not me. I'm going to wear this as a badge of honor inside of my body and maybe get a. infection but it's right but it's worth it yeah wow all right well my last one is a little long but i'm really happy to tell it because it's actually my dad's story and we were doing stories about jobs and parents and all sorts of things and so i was like tell me my favorite tell really you write your favorite my favorite story about you that he told me since i was a kid and he did it and I might cry.

[336] Okay.

[337] By Martin Marty Hardstock, he wrote.

[338] Like most of my high school buddies, no entry.

[339] I had no idea what to do after graduating in the summer of 1963.

[340] I was in the best of students, so no plans for college.

[341] Besides, my family encouraged me to get a real estate license and join my uncle's residential development company in Los Angeles.

[342] That meant starting at the bottom, cleaning up construction sites.

[343] No thanks.

[344] Many of my friends were joining various military reserves, Army, Navy, Air Force, because besides a sense of adventure, it was a good way to get some training and experience for six months instead of the usual three or four year commitment.

[345] Also, we weren't at war with anyone at the time, which made it relatively safe.

[346] So at the tender age of 17 and a half, with my parents' permission, I signed up for the Army Reserve and shipped out to Fort Ord in Central California for basic training.

[347] I won't bore you with all the details of Army life and weekend reserve unit meetings.

[348] plus summer camp war games, but I must say that looking back at it all now, it was definitely a major blast, especially because I was in a tank unit.

[349] Unfortunately, the world changes and the United States becomes more and more involved in the Vietnam War.

[350] I had read a few things about the history of that country and their struggle for independence as a former French colony.

[351] I was against the war and would attend peace rallies, knowing I might be arrested, beaten or even shot.

[352] In 1965, the number of troops being sent to Vietnam was going up fast and the feeling at the time was that it would continue to increase even more rapidly.

[353] The draft had a lot of guys like a wet mop in the face.

[354] The possibility of combat in the jungles of Southeast Asia scared the shit out of millions of young men who couldn't get a deferment.

[355] The reserve units were now full and only a temporary shelter if President Johnson decided to call up the reserves and National Guard to active duty.

[356] Fast forward to 1967.

[357] there is now at least half a million U .S. troops fighting in Vietnam, and the number was still growing.

[358] That summer, not to my surprise, I received a certified letter from the Army Reserve commander informing me that my unit had been disbanded, and I had 30 days to join another reserve unit or be called to active duty.

[359] They needed bodies, and this was a less dramatic way for the generals to activate the reserves without the negative publicity of calling up entire units at the same time.

[360] The gig was up.

[361] After considerable detective work and networking, I was able to find an Air Force Reserve unit that needed a breakfast cook, of all things.

[362] Breakfast specifically?

[363] Yeah, a breakfast cook.

[364] Weird, right?

[365] Lo and behold, I had worked part time at a local coffee shop washing dishes slash cooking and learn the art of omelet preparation.

[366] The place was famous for its four -egg omelet loaded with your choice of condiments.

[367] But the most important part for the cook was being able to be able to be able to be able to able to crack two eggs in each hand without a piece of shelf falling into the omelet.

[368] Fortunately, I was able to schedule an interview with the mess sergeant at an Air Force Reserve Base a few hours drive from my home.

[369] When I entered the mess hall, I was instructed to complete an application and wait until my name was called for a demonstration of my cooking skills in front of the mess sergeant.

[370] There must have been 25 other guys waiting their turn, some even wearing chef whites.

[371] Most of them were also reservists looking for a new unit.

[372] it.

[373] So basically they had to join another unit or it was disbanded, like all of them were disbanded.

[374] And then they get sent.

[375] So as I waited in line, I wondered what kind of cooking skills they wanted to see and began to doubt my ability to get the position, one of my common reactions to being under pressure.

[376] Then I remembered the words of my dear mother when I was in doubt about my ability to overcome major life obstacles.

[377] Bigger dummies than you have done it.

[378] With those words, I heard my name called and walked over to the grill in front of the mess sergeant.

[379] who was sitting down with a cigar permanently stuck in the corner of his mouth.

[380] He looked me directly in the eyes and asked in the most serious tone, what was my specialty?

[381] I told him that I could break two eggs in each hand at the same time while preparing a four -egg omelet without a single piece of the shell falling into the pan.

[382] The mess sergeant was impressed since none of the other candidates offered to prepare a similar concoction.

[383] I surveyed the cooking area and decided to fry the eggs on the grill rather than a pan since all of them had already been used.

[384] This was unknown territory.

[385] After washing my hands, putting on an apron and head cover, I clean the grill and spread cooking oil on a small section.

[386] I selected a bowl in which to mix the four eggs, then the moment of truth, cracking the eggs.

[387] There was an instant sense of relief when I look down at all four eggs frying on the grill with not a single piece of eggshell.

[388] Can't be completely sure how it all happened, maybe just luck or a Zen moment of letting go, but somehow I managed to get the job done.

[389] The Mess Sergeant was laughing and asked me where I learned to do that trick.

[390] I told him and he said he knew the place and would stop there when he was in that area of town.

[391] A few days later, I received a call from the Mess Sergeant's assistant informing me that I was selected and rattled out the dates for weekend and summer camp duty for the next three years of my reserve service.

[392] A few years after the war and the draft ended, a college friend who served in a combat unit at the height of the Vietnam War told me most of the Army reservists in his unit were wounded or killed in action during the first few weeks after arrival.

[393] It seems that they were considered kind of like draft Dodgers and not really trusted or included.

[394] Moral of the story, even the simple of actions, can make a difference in life.

[395] And that is by Marty Hardstock, my beloved father who never doesn't say he's proud of me when he gets off the phone with me ever since he shouldn't have been proud of me as a younger person nice yeah isn't that lovely yeah so send your stories of your of near near misses maybe yeah absolutely I mean really it's really open it's open and available to whatever you have if it's a good anecdote I mean like something like that where you know Marty like put in his hours at a diner and then those skills those learned skills him going and being like I don't know what to do but I better learn something I better let people teach me something and then he could take those skills and actually do something with it later saved his life and I believe in myself he had a rough time of it which I know in detail I don't know what go into but he didn't have a lot of options in life he was from a you know a rough background and he believed in himself which i know is really hard for him and he said that digger dummies than me thing is just i think a beautiful saying by my grandma molly way to go marty marty right in your emails all your stories all the stuff you want to tell us about and if you want to hear one more story or write in a story to the fan cult we are doing um one more each in the fan cult so check that out it's only fan cult stories and they're really fun and stay sexy and don't get murdered goodbye elvis do you want a cookie