151 - Live at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre in Vancouver

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] What's up Vancouver?

[17] That's right.

[18] Now we're just going to do this for three hours.

[19] Different sections.

[20] That's right.

[21] Competing for sound.

[22] Hi.

[23] Oh, my God.

[24] Thank you so much.

[25] You can tell that this is the fourth night of this leg of the tour because I have no idea what my hair is doing right now.

[26] I really don't.

[27] Oh, I know.

[28] what mine's doing.

[29] What's yours doing?

[30] It's fucking not getting washed and getting in pigtails.

[31] Oh, really?

[32] Yeah.

[33] Yes.

[34] This is my, oh shit, I think I have to stop doing this when I turn 40.

[35] What am I going to do?

[36] You mean no pigtails past 40?

[37] I don't know.

[38] I keep pushing it further and further though, so I feel like I'm going to be no pigtails past 80.

[39] I have an idea.

[40] You can keep the pigtails past 40 well into your 60s as long as you wear high vinyl boots and a mini skirt with them.

[41] done done and done what if I just ripped this and I had that on underneath this speaking of outfits look at yours oh yes well that's okay oh Canada pockets that's right I have pocket two I asked for two in this one and they gave him to me wow you must know someone at the top I was like you know what, add a second pocket.

[42] I have two hands, and I'm going to use both of them.

[43] Well, I mean, what to say about my outfit, it's from Land's End, wonderful catalog for women who have their own Routabega Farms in New England, and I didn't realize that they made dresses that fit me perfectly and have pockets until I ordered one, and I was like, Land's End, you're my boyfriend forever.

[44] New boots that you hate because they hurt, but they're so cute.

[45] I've got boots that are making me pay for every sin I've ever committed in my life.

[46] Fun, which is fun.

[47] And, uh...

[48] There's a guy right there.

[49] I know, I know.

[50] I'm for you.

[51] Guys, also, I got these tights at the drugstore right before I left Los Angeles.

[52] Don't do that to yourself.

[53] These tights are light gray at best.

[54] They're nowhere near black.

[55] So now I'm doing black gray, black, ruined.

[56] The look is ruined.

[57] Cancel it.

[58] But that's okay because my hair's all looked up and I look like a girl named Donna who smokes at the bar.

[59] So that's the character I'll be doing tonight.

[60] Right?

[61] She's fun.

[62] I love Donna.

[63] Donna.

[64] She's the best to hang out with.

[65] Well, I look all dressed up tonight.

[66] Yes, you do.

[67] Thank you.

[68] Should I have said that to you?

[69] No, I mean, I'm not complimenting myself.

[70] Truly, if this isn't dressed up, then I am fucking, I quit, you know?

[71] But when I, but I was going to tell them about what I look like when I fly on a plane.

[72] That's the best.

[73] Oh, my God.

[74] Okay, here's the thing, you guys.

[75] I'm not one of those, like, girls that look really pretty when they sleep and wake up.

[76] Who are those girls?

[77] They have princess hair.

[78] Yeah.

[79] No, not real.

[80] It's not me, which is fine.

[81] I don't think that's anything anyone needs to strive for.

[82] No, right?

[83] If we're now worried about being hot while we sleep, let's just fucking give up.

[84] It's insanity.

[85] Let's not.

[86] But you know those movies where it's like, she looks like an angel?

[87] It's like, that's not me. Because they have fucking makeup artists that are coming in to touch them up every five seconds, and they're not real.

[88] And they're not sleeping for real.

[89] It's a movie.

[90] Right.

[91] Beauty standards turns out, are fucked up.

[92] Because the reality is, sometimes what you look like when you're sleeping is that your fucking entire jaw has unhinged.

[93] And you are just wide open with your mouth open, and you are on a plane, and you're wearing sunglasses because the fucking asshole in front of you didn't get the memo that everyone else's fucking windshield.

[94] Is that what they call them?

[95] Nope.

[96] It's closed.

[97] And so it's bright.

[98] And then it turns out you have a husband who takes.

[99] He makes a photo of you while you're sleeping.

[100] He's fun.

[101] And you love him, you still love him.

[102] Yeah, Vince.

[103] Go, go.

[104] I swear to God.

[105] This one does not get old.

[106] It does not get old.

[107] You know, what's really fun is people were posting.

[108] People took pictures of it last night and posted it.

[109] It's so much funnier from the back of the room.

[110] I swear to God.

[111] Just the scope of it.

[112] I feel like this weekend has been the get over it tour for me. of like this is just how your life is like now and it's totally okay which is fun i'm like great it's pretty great and i love that Vince I don't know like I let I know I've told him before like I love when you take candid photos of me but this isn't what I meant you didn't really mean candid at all no and he doesn't normally do that and so when I woke up he um he turned to me to show me what he had done and but he had his he had his uh earbuds in so he did that thing where you yell because you have music on.

[113] So we're on a plane, a small plane, shows me the photo, turns to me, and yells what he thinks I look like, he goes, the Unabomber!

[114] On a plane!

[115] He yelled the Unabomber!

[116] You shouldn't do that.

[117] If I was on the plane and I had my earbuds in and I was going to show you that picture, I would have said, Blind Paddington!

[118] But you weren't on that plane.

[119] turns out I missed that plane here's the thing this lifestyle I really love and I want to make it as rock and roll as possible so what I did was because normally and this is kind of boring but normally we leave for our flights out of LAX which is like 1 ,000 miles away from where anyone lives in Los Angeles but they they actually made or Vince booked us on a flight out of Burbank which is literally 10 minutes down the street from my house.

[120] It's so exciting.

[121] And it's like you just breeze in.

[122] They're like, they look at you and they're like, you look fine and you just get in.

[123] It's the easiest thing ever.

[124] It's the easy.

[125] It's very small.

[126] Right.

[127] And they have fucking valet parking.

[128] They do.

[129] They know who it's for.

[130] Total assholes in Los Angeles.

[131] Our flight was at 9 .30 and I left my house at 9 .15.

[132] I don't know.

[133] At what point did you realize like that was, had you always, I don't know.

[134] know.

[135] I have so many questions.

[136] I can actually tell you.

[137] As a fucking obsessive, compulsive, uh, on timey person, I just, I'm striving to understand.

[138] Um, I don't think I can explain it to you because I'm an obsessive, compulsive, not timey person where, you know, I'm almost 50 years old and clocks still baffle me. I'm like, what?

[139] How is it that time?

[140] Like they're actually being mean to you.

[141] Yeah, they're attacking me personally.

[142] Yeah.

[143] I had detoured myself a bit plucking every hair off of my face before I went.

[144] Sometimes you just want to have very thin eyebrows on the airplane.

[145] I don't know what happened.

[146] All I know is when I went out to pick up my bag and I looked at the clock, I just started screaming fuck really loud.

[147] Like that was going to get me there faster.

[148] But what was funny is, and I kind of love stuff like this, is when I went up to the counter to check in at Alaska, the woman, when I said, oh, I'm on the 9 .30 flight to Portland, She goes, the 9 .30 flight?

[149] What?

[150] It's already closed.

[151] Like, it was her fucking flight.

[152] Like, I ruined her tour weekend.

[153] Like, she had a show in Portland to get to that night.

[154] I was like, bitch, unbutton that vest.

[155] You're not going anywhere.

[156] So, I had to text.

[157] I, as an adult, had to text another adult until then I missed my fucking flight that was arms reach from the front door of my house.

[158] Vince was like, no problem, I'm going to book you on the 11 a .m. flight.

[159] And here's how he's a brilliant man, because he's teaching me how to not miss my flight anymore.

[160] Instead of flying first class on Alaska, I was now flying on Southwest.

[161] That's right.

[162] That's right.

[163] You know, that one that you have to line up for with people who have never seen numbers before in their fucking lives, it turns out.

[164] With all the people, there's like a section of business business.

[165] men that like to fly Southwest and talk about their dumb jobs at the top of their fucking lungs.

[166] Have you ever sat in front, in the front of two businessmen that were like, well, last week we were in Albuquerque.

[167] And it's like, sir, the yelling is unnecessary.

[168] That guy was, I hate to break this Southwest hate fest we have going on, but that guy was on my flight.

[169] Oh.

[170] And I was in that first class we spoke of sleeping like this.

[171] and the general manager of...

[172] He said Albuquerque.

[173] Yeah.

[174] I swear to God.

[175] Did he really?

[176] I swear to God.

[177] They're all the same.

[178] They're all from Albuquerque.

[179] It's one actor going around and pissing people off.

[180] It's like a prank show that never pays off.

[181] And then...

[182] So then, but I go...

[183] I interrupted your...

[184] Because, no, I think that was it.

[185] Okay, great.

[186] I mean, we're talking about airplane flights and shit.

[187] These people do not care.

[188] How can they?

[189] How can they?

[190] Oh, speaking of that, this is my favorite murder at the podcast.

[191] Oh, hello.

[192] Georgia Hardstar.

[193] We're very happy to be here in Canada with you guys.

[194] We had a very exciting thing happen at the border.

[195] Oh, yeah.

[196] Yeah.

[197] You guys all drove up today and we were behind you.

[198] Yeah.

[199] Because when we got to the lady in the box, Vince handed over all our papers and information, and she said, what are you doing or whatever?

[200] and then said, we have a show tonight in Vancouver.

[201] And she goes, oh, you guys are doing the show?

[202] And we're like, yeah.

[203] And she's like, oh, I ever, what did she say?

[204] Everyone coming through is going.

[205] Yeah.

[206] Or something like that.

[207] She didn't, she said something like, I don't have to ask about it because the last 10 people told me about it.

[208] You guys are our ground team.

[209] Spreading the word.

[210] Thank you so much, because we were able to smuggle so much heroin into this country.

[211] They never looked twice at us.

[212] That's right.

[213] We're posing as podcasters.

[214] We have an international drug smuggling ring.

[215] It's the best cover ever.

[216] Steven's not here.

[217] No. There's not enough room under this table for him.

[218] Do you want to know where he is?

[219] I'll show you where he is.

[220] Oh.

[221] It sent to me the other day from my house of Mimi.

[222] I mean, have you seen a bitchier cat's face in your life?

[223] truly but most judgmental cat she's like you're not using that filter are you right here's the thing at some point in the future Steven's going to be I think a father and a husband okay can you imagine stumbling upon a picture of your father like that just being like what oh my god my dad used to dress up like a rabbit online oh my god and get judged by cats That look like Daria?

[224] And like...

[225] Oh, my God.

[226] Dad!

[227] Holy shit.

[228] Mom, the Easter bunny's here, and I think he might be a sex pervert.

[229] Mom, the Easter bunny has a mustache.

[230] Or maybe she's having flashbacks because every year I have these Easter Bunny, this like Easter Bunny bonnet I put on her.

[231] You put on Mimi?

[232] Yeah.

[233] Oh, she doesn't like that.

[234] No, but it's so quick.

[235] I do it.

[236] So quickly, I get one photo, and then I put it up, and it makes me happy and brings me joy, and she realizes that that's happening.

[237] No. Look at her.

[238] No, I know.

[239] If she was on the stairs and I was there, I would just wouldn't go upstairs.

[240] I mean, Mimi doesn't fuck around.

[241] It's like putting a bonnet on Ruth Bader Ginsburg or something like that.

[242] Like, who are you?

[243] Why would you do such a thing?

[244] If anyone knows computers, could you please give Mimi a Ruth Bader Ginsburg tight bun?

[245] Just that real tight bun.

[246] cold, hardcore old calerina.

[247] That's your thing today.

[248] That's your assignment.

[249] That's your assignment.

[250] If you choose to accept it.

[251] And then we have one more that I want to show you of what Stephen did to my cat.

[252] I don't know where he fucking even got that, you guys.

[253] It came out on Thursday that new line of shit, and he somehow acquired one.

[254] I did get my flu shot and I got $5 off.

[255] Oh, good job.

[256] Yes.

[257] cheering for a flu shot.

[258] And then he dressed my cat, which feels like a personal, you know, attack.

[259] It is an attack on you, for sure.

[260] In a shirt that says that he's himself.

[261] Yeah.

[262] And I know that sweet look in his face of why, you know?

[263] Like, I know that look.

[264] I've seen it when I, like, I do, you know, when I hold him like a baby.

[265] And he's like, I don't want to do this, but I love you.

[266] Yeah.

[267] It's that.

[268] Or maybe you put, like, reindeer antlers on him at Christmas.

[269] He's Jewish.

[270] sorry.

[271] He's Jewish.

[272] He's the world's only Siamese Jew cat.

[273] No, there's a lot of them actually.

[274] Are there really?

[275] It's a whole network.

[276] We have a Facebook page.

[277] Subgroups.

[278] Little yarmacas we put on.

[279] You should actually get just one single shirt made that says, I'm the Elvis.

[280] I'm the Elvis.

[281] Right?

[282] Or like X out that.

[283] N?

[284] I'm in.

[285] I'm, never mind.

[286] We'll work it out.

[287] We'll work it out backstage.

[288] I'm sorry, guys.

[289] We're, uh, we're workshopping for the next show.

[290] Do you mind if we just talk about merch for a while?

[291] We're going to have a quick merch meeting.

[292] And get back to you.

[293] That's right.

[294] Um, should we sit down?

[295] Yeah, let's do it.

[296] Oh, yes.

[297] Yes, Canada.

[298] We ordered the punk rock chairs.

[299] And we got them.

[300] The punk rock extra duct tape.

[301] This chair's about to tell me to fuck off when I sit on it.

[302] Okay, I can handle it.

[303] That's right.

[304] These chairs have Mimi's look on her face.

[305] They've seen so much.

[306] They have.

[307] That's comfortable.

[308] There we go.

[309] In here and there.

[310] Oh, I like these.

[311] There's a little ring down there, or like a bar.

[312] I can hook my boot heels on the back of.

[313] And then just, whoa.

[314] What?

[315] God.

[316] You're scaring me. I wish I was closer to the edge of the stage for that.

[317] Crowd service.

[318] We have to start crowd surfing.

[319] Totally.

[320] Would you guys?

[321] We just break everyone's fingers.

[322] Their poor faces.

[323] People who do not listen to this podcast that work here, like, what in the fuck is going on?

[324] What is any of this shit?

[325] Oh, my God.

[326] This is a true crime comedy podcast.

[327] Yes.

[328] It's confusing to some people, except for that person.

[329] This is, we now have a viewer discretion warning at the top of the show because we know that some of you guys like to force people to come here with you who don't listen and don't care.

[330] Aren't interested, don't get it.

[331] But that promised a nice dinner.

[332] Right.

[333] Kind of wish you would order something more expensive to make this worth it.

[334] But so, for those people who aren't sure, there's a true crime comedy podcast, which are, you know, Some might argue diametrically opposed concepts, true crime being all about murder and the loss of human life and tragedy, and then comedy.

[335] And it can be very kind of complex and layered.

[336] It's like, I just realized it's those two, you know, comedy and tragedy.

[337] Masks, yeah, that's right.

[338] Why isn't that our logo?

[339] That should have been our logo.

[340] Yeah, it is going to be our logo.

[341] next year we're going to turn our logo to the comedy tragedy masks of theater.

[342] I mean, truly nothing legitimizes you more than the comedy and tragedy masks.

[343] That's right.

[344] It's like we're of the theater and we're also fucking nerds.

[345] So listen to our podcast.

[346] Right.

[347] Anyway, the whole point of this speech is that sometimes the combination of those two things might be offensive to some people who don't know us or don't listen.

[348] It might seem wrong to you.

[349] If you're one those kind of people, we just, we really want you to know that you should get the fuck out now because it's, it's not going to get better.

[350] It won't get better.

[351] That's right.

[352] You know, before we start, I printed up some fun Vancouver trivia.

[353] Do you want to hear it?

[354] You did?

[355] Yeah.

[356] She didn't tell me, that was, that was my, that was my reaction from the theater.

[357] Truly.

[358] Oh.

[359] You did?

[360] You did?

[361] Yes, tell me everything.

[362] Well, because Stephen sometimes sends us an email of trivia.

[363] Yeah.

[364] God bless his soul.

[365] He really bust his ass for us and all we do is just give him shit.

[366] And make fun of him on stage?

[367] That's not cool.

[368] He's like, truly loves my cats and I'm like, ew, damn it.

[369] Don't put a shirt on it.

[370] But like, Stephen's trivia, I think one of the only things in that email just said that the California role was invented here.

[371] Thanks, guys.

[372] Thanks, Stephen.

[373] Although interesting, what the fuck?

[374] It's nothing like this trivia that I got out of the Vancouver Sun.

[375] For real.

[376] In 1908, Jeff, the boxing kangaroo amused big crowds at the pantages theater.

[377] So that's the kind of shit we have to follow tonight.

[378] How are we going to follow that?

[379] I don't know.

[380] Shit.

[381] Jeff, somebody named a kangaroo Jeff in 1908.

[382] Oh, my God.

[383] It's called being a visionary.

[384] Yeah.

[385] Ahead of his time.

[386] I mean, in 1909, the following year of Vancouver, took its first mechanized ambulance out for a test drive, and it immediately ran over and killed an American tourist.

[387] God.

[388] R -I -P.

[389] That sucks, dude.

[390] What a bummer.

[391] Jeff, the boxing kangaroo, was on the sidewalk, giggling behind us hand.

[392] Jeff.

[393] Fucking stupid American.

[394] In 1931, the province, newspaper had this startling lead to a story.

[395] One person in every 300 in British Columbia is insane.

[396] That's hilarious.

[397] Including your ambulance drivers.

[398] Maybe that was back when ambulance drivers had to like stir up their own business.

[399] You know what I mean?

[400] Yeah, it was like a private company and they were like, well, it was for profit ambulancing.

[401] In 1920, oh, wait, I didn't do this chronologically.

[402] In In 1920, in Surrey, loggers found an eagle's nest so big it was too large for a farm wagon to haul away.

[403] Well, that just makes you assume that the person knows how big a farm wagon is.

[404] I'm from the suburbs.

[405] I'm pretty sure every farm wagon is standardly about two bales of hay wide.

[406] And four long, right, I would say?

[407] Stack them up four.

[408] Right.

[409] Well, it sounds like a big nest.

[410] I mean, I'm saying it was a fucking taradactal nest and no one's talking about it.

[411] I'm here tonight to say you guys.

[412] Legends.

[413] Are the land of the lost.

[414] And on October 11th, 1939, Vancouver's first public aquarium opened.

[415] The manager was an American named Ivar Hagland who later moved to Seattle and opened a restaurant called Ivar's Acres of Clams.

[416] He's always been into seafood.

[417] He fucking loves.

[418] He fucking loves it.

[419] Oh my god.

[420] I don't want acres of clams personally.

[421] I'd like half a dozen.

[422] You could, it would take you so long to walk over acres of clams.

[423] Okay, the final one is margarine has been, was banned in British Columbia for 70 years.

[424] You guys!

[425] You guys are not fucking having margarine.

[426] No. What did margarine ever do to you?

[427] The British Columbia Dairy industry.

[428] It was Margarine.

[429] They banned it in 1886.

[430] Whoa.

[431] They only unbanded it in 1949.

[432] What happened in 1885?

[433] Everyone, someone who was in charge of banning shit got a bad batch of Margarine was like, fuck this shit.

[434] Someone was given a piece of toast and they bit into it and they were like, um, who put Vaseline on my toast?

[435] I don't want that shit.

[436] They're like, oh no, we're passing off as butter now.

[437] They're like, no, you're not.

[438] And when Did it come back in the 80s?

[439] 49.

[440] Okay, because remember how big it got in the 80s?

[441] That was Margarine's fucking heyday.

[442] Everyone lost their shit.

[443] Everyone's mom who was reducing.

[444] Yes.

[445] Going to fucking jazzercise.

[446] And Gina Craig?

[447] Yep.

[448] Yes.

[449] That was the I can't believe it's not butter years.

[450] Great.

[451] Yeah.

[452] Let's talk about that, you guys.

[453] I couldn't believe it.

[454] It wasn't butter.

[455] Let's talk about country crock.

[456] I thought it would be fun to kick off with some trivia.

[457] I loved it.

[458] Trivia.

[459] I love it.

[460] Thank you.

[461] Listen, you did it.

[462] You guys did it.

[463] You guys named that thing, Jeff, not us.

[464] It was you all along.

[465] Well, there hasn't been a kangaroo name draft.

[466] It over 75 heels.

[467] Now, do it as a drunk person.

[468] Oh, my gosh.

[469] You know Jeff?

[470] Do you know Jeff?

[471] I'm going to tell you about Jeff.

[472] That's okay.

[473] Don't clap for drunk, Karen, or she'll come back.

[474] You'd love it, wouldn't you?

[475] No, I would fucking hate it.

[476] You would?

[477] I bet like a day would be great.

[478] But like, I'm kidding.

[479] I'm kidding.

[480] Then it would be like, I have to drive.

[481] There's a lot of that behavior.

[482] Hey, this is exciting.

[483] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[484] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcast.

[485] are detectives.

[486] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[487] Who killed Saz?

[488] And were they really after Charles?

[489] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[490] This season, murder hits close to home.

[491] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[492] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[493] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[494] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?

[495] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, even along.

[496] Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[497] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[498] Goodbye.

[499] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[500] Absolutely.

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[519] Goodbye.

[520] We have a clicker here.

[521] Vince told us not to press that button.

[522] I'm not going to.

[523] We don't know what happens.

[524] He called it the Ghostbuster button because there's just a circle with an X through it.

[525] And we knew immediately what he meant.

[526] Let's go off.

[527] Foam party starts.

[528] Fun party!

[529] We'll press it as we leave a stage.

[530] Okay.

[531] I'm stalling because, all right, this is what happens.

[532] Let me just tell you.

[533] I'm first, right?

[534] Yes, because I chose to be.

[535] Because this thing happens, you know, you're going through your week and you're like, I got to pick my orders for this weekend and you like do this, you know, Sweet Stephen sends you a list of like ideas with like one line of description in the beginning.

[536] You're like, I can't do that.

[537] I can't do that.

[538] Great, fine, I'll do that.

[539] Like I did fucking, what did I get?

[540] D .B. Cooper yesterday was just like, this is what's going to happen.

[541] It was good.

[542] It was really good.

[543] It was fun.

[544] I had a great time.

[545] Well, that's all that matters.

[546] So this one I picked, and then I started, and I was dialed in, and then I started researching it.

[547] How come no one ever told me about this one?

[548] It's the most insane thing I've ever, never heard about.

[549] Really?

[550] I'm, like, obsessed with it now.

[551] It's the Abbotsford killer.

[552] You guys.

[553] Everyone's yelling at us about a fucking asshole pig farmer when meanwhile this is the most insane thing I've ever heard of in my life shit, okay and it did bring me the one thing that this brought me that is joyful is that I listened there's not a lot of information when you just like articles but there's a lot of documentaries and then there's a couple podcast episodes about it from True Crime Podcasts which brought me to my new favorite podcast.

[554] It's a Canadian true crime and dark history podcast called Dark Poutine.

[555] Truly.

[556] How great is that?

[557] Like, you just immediately know you're going to like these dudes.

[558] It's great.

[559] It's great.

[560] I mean, it is already dark, right?

[561] Do you have any questions about it?

[562] I'll ask later.

[563] I just, God bless you for that name.

[564] Wonderful.

[565] Wonderful work.

[566] So I listen on the way from Seattle to here, and there's beautiful fall leaves.

[567] Oh, it's so gorgeous.

[568] We don't have that in California.

[569] Oh, we don't have trees.

[570] We don't.

[571] Everything burnt down.

[572] Oh, I didn't fucking do it.

[573] Yes, she did.

[574] No. I was out there in the forest.

[575] Shis, give me his.

[576] I have matches.

[577] I have matches.

[578] Do you want matches?

[579] All right.

[580] So let's get into this, because shit.

[581] Okay.

[582] All right.

[583] Around 5 .30 in the morning on October 14th, Saturday, 1995 in Abbotsford, British Columbia.

[584] It's about an hour from here, right?

[585] On a good day?

[586] I don't know.

[587] A 16 -year -old girl named Misty Cockerel stumbles bleeding, beaten, and nearly hypothermic into the front doors of MSA General Hospital.

[588] Oh.

[589] Despite a massive fracture in her skull, she's constantly.

[590] They said it's the size of a fist, a hole the size of a fist.

[591] She's conscious and able to tell them that she had just woken up in the parking lot right by there after having been beaten by a man with a baseball bat and that she was with her friend at the time, 16 -year -old Tanya Smith and Tanya's now missing.

[592] She had just woken up, come to, stumbles for the fucking course.

[593] Holy fuck.

[594] That's right.

[595] Despite all her injuries, she survives.

[596] And later that morning, she tells police that Tanya.

[597] So this is the story she tells police.

[598] She and Tanya had been at a party that Friday night.

[599] So it was Friday the 13th.

[600] And they were at a party in Surrey.

[601] They left around midnight, got a ride closer to home, and they decided to walk a few blocks to a different party, a couple blocks from their house.

[602] And they're all joking about it being Friday the 13th.

[603] Misty, who has a great dark sense of humor, says that she joked, watch some guys going to jump out of the bushes and try to rape us.

[604] and she said that we laughed it off and continued walking just a few blocks into their walk they stopped when they heard a man's voice behind them and the guy said something like you bitches want to party like something terrifying they just missed him like some asshole kept walking and he did it again and they turned around and they noticed that he had an aluminum baseball bat in his hand the guy steps out of the bushes grabs them both by the arms and then pulls them through it's like a tall like thick hedge pulls them through into the parking lot.

[605] He orders the girls to strip and Misty doesn't move.

[606] Tanya starts to take her clothes off.

[607] And as the guy focuses on Tanya, Misty realizes that he had put his baseball back down.

[608] This fucking badass chick grabs the bat and swings it at him and hits him.

[609] She was like, she refused to run and get help and she just didn't want to leave her friend.

[610] So she hits him.

[611] They start struggling.

[612] She yells for Tanya to run, but Tanya didn't want to leave her friend either.

[613] And unfortunately, he gets a hold of the bat and begins to hit her with it.

[614] She says she counts seven hits before she blocks out.

[615] Oh, fuck.

[616] When she comes to, and this is another thing she later says, is she remembers as she's lying on the ground after the seventh hit, she says, I open my eyes and I see my high school because it was like across the street, and I remember thinking that that's going to be a lot.

[617] thing I see is my high school.

[618] But what they don't put in that, the article I read and I had to see somewhere else is I was pissed off because I fucking hate that place.

[619] Which I was just, I mean, amazing.

[620] Seriously, it's the first thing I thought.

[621] It's like, that's the most depressing thing of all time.

[622] Yeah.

[623] Oh, there.

[624] So, and it's great.

[625] So these girls are 16 and it's 1995.

[626] That's, and they're in high school.

[627] It's exactly my age, pretty much and I just the thought of me being 16 and going through this you know it's insane to me that they went through this and that misty was able to fucking joke about it this way it's bananas um she when she comes to uh when she woke up after being after passing out she comes to you tanya's gone she finds her way to the hospital um through the front doors and she describes their attacker as very tall with a receding hairline and remembers looking into his eyes and knowing that he and head and not killing them.

[628] Then later it's said that as she entered the emergency room and stumbled in, the triage nurse caught sight of her and began to scream.

[629] And she says...

[630] That's a hard thing to do.

[631] That's really saying something.

[632] She's a fucking triage nurse.

[633] She says, quote, I thought, man, whoever came in behind me must be in really rough shape.

[634] I know.

[635] I love her.

[636] I love her.

[637] Sweet baby angel.

[638] Shit.

[639] But sadly, later that morning at about 7 .30 a .m. fishermen at Vedder Canal, which is about 10 miles away, find the naked body of Tanya Smith.

[640] She had been severely beaten, sexually assaulted, and then thrown in the river face down where she drowned.

[641] This killer became known as the Abertsford killer.

[642] So Abbotsford is a Bible Belt community.

[643] I think it was really conservative at the time.

[644] I don't know if it still is.

[645] It's like a bedroom suburb of Vancouver.

[646] it is.

[647] Welcome.

[648] We're glad to have you.

[649] And so, of course, I mean, like any town, they're like fucking shocked that that happens here, like, you know, they're into Jesus and stuff.

[650] Don't say his name like that, Georgia.

[651] Who?

[652] Jesus.

[653] So they're all fucking freak the fuck out over this.

[654] understandably.

[655] And I grew up in a fucking Republican -ass town, too, that was suburban bedroomy community, and the shit would have, we've lost our mind.

[656] So a joint investigation is launched between the Abbotsford Police and the Chilliwack, R -CMP.

[657] Chilowack?

[658] Yeah, you did it.

[659] Chilowack.

[660] I was like, I know I'm going to get that wrong when I saw it earlier.

[661] Days after their attack, okay, look, okay, days after the attack, they're setting up a hotline for tips, and they get a fucking phone call.

[662] Let me show you the girls real quick.

[663] I'm sorry, let's get that.

[664] Like, I look like that.

[665] She has a choker on, I wore chokers.

[666] Oh, yeah.

[667] It was required in the 90s.

[668] So, they get a phone call.

[669] They're not yet taping, so that's not recorded.

[670] The caller, they're taping, but they're not tracing.

[671] Thank you.

[672] The caller says that he's Tanya's killer, and he was giving them a chance to find him.

[673] before he starts looking for his next victim.

[674] Whoa.

[675] He gave a gruesome piece of evidence that only the killer would know that they, of course, kept out of the media, and that he had bitten Tanya's nipple, and he tauntingly told them that it tastes good.

[676] This fucking asshole piece of shit.

[677] So that was like the second call he had made.

[678] That calls traced.

[679] The time police arrived at the location, the caller had fled.

[680] It was a phone booth, and they dust it for fingerprints, can't find any.

[681] And 20 minutes later or so, the man calls back and asks us the police thought he was foolish enough to leave fingerprints behind.

[682] So he's just fucking taunting them at this point.

[683] He continues to call the police to taunt about his next kill and when it's going to happen.

[684] He belittles them for not not being smart enough to catch him.

[685] He's just fucking enjoying it.

[686] And in the Dark Poutine podcast, they play all the, they play the, what are they called?

[687] The calls?

[688] His phone calls?

[689] His voice and shit.

[690] Yeah.

[691] I mean, he just sounds like a normal, it's fun, you know, it's that thing of like no one would have known.

[692] He sounds like a normal dude, and you think he's going to sound like a monster.

[693] I mean, it just sounds like a fucking normal person.

[694] It's creepy.

[695] I'm sure the town was freaking the fuck out.

[696] Um, da, da, da, da, da.

[697] Okay.

[698] So, uh, the cause terrorized the lower mainland and they're gripped by fear.

[699] Inspector Rob Geel described the driver, uh, case.

[700] Oops, I just gave him something away.

[701] As one of those most bizarre in his 27 years of police work.

[702] He says, I hope I never see anything like it again.

[703] the way this individual taunted the community and put this community in a state of fear was like nothing we had ever seen before.

[704] So, a fucking suspect, three people call in this, okay, so a sketch gets drawn.

[705] Okay, all right, a composite sketch based on Misty's description of him.

[706] There's two of them, and these are them.

[707] Take a look at those.

[708] You see those in the paper?

[709] And you're like, well, I'm moving.

[710] And never leaving the house again.

[711] That looks like David Thule.

[712] the great British actor but you know in a bald cap and that looks just like a weasel with a Hitler mustache for fuck's sake so okay imagine this dude and you're and three people call in and they're like that looks exactly like this dude I know and he and I saw a video this guy it looks exactly like this dude it's so creepy he's held this guy's held in constable they are like we've got the guy looks exactly like him and he's kind of like a methy like street dude um they hold him and you know they have DNA and they have um the bite mark so they do a dental impression they do uh the DNA testing which it's the fucking mid 90s so it takes two months they keep him in custody that long oh we're finding out the DNA doesn't match and it's not him and they have video of him like piecing out of the fucking like he's just like later days dude And through that entire time, the guy had stopped calling.

[713] So they were like, we've got him.

[714] But really what probably happened was he's like, great, someone's going to go down for this for me. So he fucking quieted out and latered.

[715] Okay.

[716] So then the cops are like, well, they're starting over.

[717] They need new suspects.

[718] They need this guy to call back.

[719] So they decide to put out a article taunting him on purpose.

[720] they tell him that in the article it says like psychologist thinks he's too scared to call again or he's, you know, taunting him.

[721] He responds by doing this insane fucking thing.

[722] On February 17th, 1996, a call is made to the local radio station and at Radio Max and DJ Mike Chikone he gets a call in the guys like, go look at the radio station car that's got like plastered with a it's probably a PT cruiser I don't know you know you're seeing it in your mind's eyes a purple PT cruiser exactly but like the radio max across the side across the side big micy C on mornings right and they go to like I'm sure they go to car sales openings and yeah you know dog walks I don't know what's a dog walk dog walks dog parade the radio shows up when you're walking your dog I don't know why dog got in there just now.

[723] Maybe it's because you showed me a photo from the Circleville Pumpkin Show today of the animal parade and there was tell him what that was.

[724] Someone was walking a duck.

[725] Did you see it?

[726] On a leash.

[727] On a leash.

[728] My dream is to get Elvis.

[729] How else would you walk a duck?

[730] Walking a duck is like well, you know.

[731] On a leash, I said.

[732] Sorry.

[733] No. It's great.

[734] Okay.

[735] This is insane.

[736] Okay.

[737] Fucking Mikey C. Yeah.

[738] Goes out to the Radio Max car and finds that someone had tossed a concrete headstone, gravestone, on the fucking hood of the car.

[739] It's fucking Tanya's headstone.

[740] No. What the fuck?

[741] I fucking know.

[742] If this was a movie, I'd be like, I'm not watching this anymore.

[743] Yes.

[744] It's stupid and bad.

[745] It's like that real, like, can you imagine?

[746] Then they show Mike C in like some old video and he's just like some, you know, like, some kid, guy.

[747] I'm sure he's just like moving.

[748] I'm moving.

[749] Goodbye.

[750] That's insane.

[751] So he had gone and I had fucking stolen Tanya's gravestone and there was like a photo of her on it and he had fucking etched messages into it.

[752] Jesus Christ.

[753] Including saying, I'm still out there.

[754] I'm the way.

[755] one and quote she wasn't the first and she won't be the last and then he writes one day Misty and Misty is someone that survived and her whole family is already in fucking protective custody or on what's it called witness protection program obviously you want to see it too bad you have to see it whoa where is it right there see?

[756] Holy shit I know how have we never heard of this I know the fucking pig farmer again and this you guys are holding it back.

[757] All right.

[758] bo, and there in there.

[759] Okay, hold on.

[760] Okay.

[761] The community everyone's, everyone just starts screaming.

[762] We don't blame you.

[763] Yeah, everyone just like goes grocery shopping and lives, and like Moeserlawn while they're screaming.

[764] Terror.

[765] Which I totally, yeah, we understand.

[766] Then two days later, A note taped around a heavy wrench is thrown through the front picture window of a woman who's fucking home alone with her kids at the time.

[767] Later determined she has nothing to do with it, he just fucking picked a window.

[768] Inside the envelope containing the note mentioned three other assaults that the killer wanted credit for.

[769] He included clippings from the articles in the Vancouver Sun on the unsolved murders of three women.

[770] Vancouver sex worker Linda Tatray Colleen Shook of Burnaby who was attacked after getting off a bus, and Kim Stolberg, who was killed at her father's Richmond Engineering Office while she was arranging a surprise fucking wedding anniversary for her parents.

[771] All three women are stabbed to death in 1989, six years earlier.

[772] But although horrified investigators finally have a break that they think they can use, the killer left a crucial mistake behind in his fingerprint on the tape that had been used to tape it together.

[773] Yeah.

[774] So, but they kept that part secret.

[775] So the police tried many tactics to get the killer to contact them again.

[776] They set up a sting operation in malls and at phone booths across the city.

[777] They have, of course, recorded and staked out Tanya's funeral as well.

[778] And they published fake stories.

[779] And then they had also released a lot of info on the killer, including, of course, the sketches.

[780] And then parts of the recorded calls he had made, they were like, can someone please just fucking recognize this goddamn voice and tell us who this is.

[781] And then they offered a $40 ,000 reward leading to the arrest.

[782] So they have this plea.

[783] They put the, oh, they put the voice what it sounds like out and then they, if you want to hear it again, you have to call this 800 number and they put a fucking tap on it so that people who called more than like three times, they were just like, why are you, like, knock on the door, like, why are you fucking crazy?

[784] Why are you doing this?

[785] You're like, nope, just a murderer, no, sorry.

[786] Just trying to solve the crime for you.

[787] It's kind of my passion.

[788] Anyway, great to meet you.

[789] You look great in that jacket.

[790] Around this time, a woman and her son hear the voice and kind of lose their shit because they fucking think they recognize it.

[791] It sounds like the woman's son.

[792] And the family, the rest of the family agrees.

[793] But the composites sketch looks nothing like him.

[794] So they're like, well, maybe it's not.

[795] not him.

[796] Let's just call it in.

[797] So they, uh, the, the police go to the house and they're like, it doesn't look anything like him.

[798] We, but we have to check it out anyways.

[799] Let's just have a quick, quick little chat with him.

[800] But the guy is sketchy as fuck.

[801] And he refuses to give any DNA or any fingerprints or take a lie detector test, which immediately are like, well, you're stupid.

[802] So finally, the dude comes in the next day with a lawyer and he says that he'll give them their, his fingerprints, but they can only use it to try to match, and then they have to destroy them.

[803] They can't use them again.

[804] They can use them once.

[805] Okay.

[806] Any other restrictions or needs that you have about giving your fingerprints, you fucking creep?

[807] Right.

[808] That's me as the secretary at the police station.

[809] Sassy cop operator.

[810] I dig it.

[811] Right?

[812] My new show?

[813] More than 9 ,400 suspects have been questioned.

[814] And all these people had been given DNA and fucking fingerprinted and taking dental shit before.

[815] And finally, when this fucker comes in, they finally catch 31 -year -old Terry Driver and he's arrested.

[816] Whoa.

[817] That's right.

[818] Yes.

[819] Fucking God.

[820] I don't remember what else I, that's him.

[821] Whoa, it doesn't look.

[822] That's so weird.

[823] And it kind of does once you see some other photos, there's like a, he's like a, yeah.

[824] But the receding hairline is, that's a problem.

[825] No receding hair line.

[826] But his nose, in a couple angles, it looks like him.

[827] He's just disgusting.

[828] But the Weasley picture looks nothing like that guy at all.

[829] Anything like him.

[830] So the meth dude, it was held for two months, was like, fuck you, bitches.

[831] And we were like, fair enough.

[832] I was there now.

[833] I don't know.

[834] Then they gave him the key to the city.

[835] So this fucking asshole, he's married with two children and the reason my hair is in pigtails and I didn't have time for a shower is because just as I was about to do that I find that she had done a like I married a monster episode of something and I was like well I'm staying and I'm watching this.

[836] These are the sacrifices we make in this podcast for you guys right?

[837] Yeah so he's just a fucking dude who's married with two children and, of course, he's super controlling all this crazy shit.

[838] He works at a print shop.

[839] He'd worked there for five years.

[840] Of course, everyone's shocked.

[841] It's him and couldn't believe it.

[842] Blah, blah, blah.

[843] His father had been a hero cop with the Vancouver Police Department, which you see in every fucking article.

[844] But then our friend Scott at Dark Poutine is like, well, guess what?

[845] I used to fucking hang out at his house when I was a kid.

[846] What?

[847] It's insane.

[848] He was friends with his brother.

[849] I feel like I'm, I'm, he, you have to listen to the episode and tell you about it.

[850] You're like, my friend Scott told me. So he knows all about these people and he was like, yeah, they had a room that was just full of Nazi memorabilia.

[851] No. Uh -huh.

[852] Uh -oh.

[853] So I was right about that fucking Hitler mustache, wasn't I?

[854] I was, I was intuiting it.

[855] See when I see a drawing of a Nazi?

[856] And as, when Terry was a kid, at like two years old, think of a baby, a two -year -old.

[857] They take him to the doctor and like, we can't fucking manage this child.

[858] Two.

[859] He doesn't respond to, you know, basic discipline.

[860] He's already, like, fucking with people.

[861] By five, they were like, we can't handle him.

[862] And they put him in a home for, like, badly behaved children.

[863] I'm sure there's a name for that.

[864] That sounds like a horror movie.

[865] That's not.

[866] What?

[867] Just behave badly, you're going into a home.

[868] I love that idea.

[869] You know, Canada's very strict, and they just, manners first is what the national motto is.

[870] That's true.

[871] You took the last piece of margarine toast.

[872] You're going to school.

[873] Oh, sorry.

[874] Looks like you're going to the home.

[875] You know, it's so funny that just made me think, a girl that I work with, we were all talking about, like, crazy shit your parents lied to you about when you're a kid, and she said that her dad told her.

[876] that until she was 10, she could still, she could be put up for adoption legally.

[877] We were all talking about how our parents controlled us.

[878] Like, my dad just had a stare that was honestly, like, I think heat, heat lasers.

[879] Because you could be doing anything, and then you'd look over and you'd like, oh, my God.

[880] You'd just creep you out from the side.

[881] They're good at that.

[882] But she, honestly, until she was 10, thought she was going to be given away.

[883] That's horrible parenting.

[884] Truly.

[885] She made it to Hollywood, so.

[886] She now craves gratification via television writing.

[887] That's right.

[888] Okay, so...

[889] He went to the home.

[890] He's a fucking asshole.

[891] He, of course, is obsessed with being a cop.

[892] He wants to be a cop, but he's also into breaking into houses and, like, stealing money from his work all through high school.

[893] He's like a problem child, obviously.

[894] A psychopath.

[895] He's a psychopath.

[896] He's a psychopath.

[897] So they go to trial.

[898] Oh, Scott also has a story.

[899] our friend Scott at Dark Between also as a story.

[900] My best friend?

[901] Another insane story about how he worked at a fucking paper recycling plant, and one day, like, through the line comes, like, secret files from his pre -trial that someone had decided to recycle instead of shred.

[902] You know, it's some guy named Eric at the fucking cop's office, and he's like, no, no, I love trees.

[903] So it's like, it could have, like, given him a mistrial.

[904] He could have gotten off because of this.

[905] He just takes it out of the regular garbage.

[906] She's like, guys, we've talked about this.

[907] So we have to save the planet.

[908] Let's act locally.

[909] It's insane.

[910] Like, truly.

[911] Someone at the recycling plant was smart enough to pull that off the line.

[912] Scott was.

[913] What?

[914] He worked there?

[915] Yes.

[916] Hold on.

[917] Are you sure this doesn't have straight up bullshit podcast?

[918] I don't think it is.

[919] Are you guys friends with him?

[920] He's real, right?

[921] Yeah.

[922] Is he a total liar?

[923] He's their best friend.

[924] Don't call him a liar.

[925] How bananas is that?

[926] That's crazy.

[927] And they have like 40 -something episodes now.

[928] It's their third episode that they do.

[929] It's fucking great.

[930] God, what was number one if this was number three?

[931] Okay.

[932] So here's the fucking trial, of course.

[933] He testifies.

[934] They were like, okay, they have a bite mark.

[935] They have DNA.

[936] and they have fingerprints against us, we're fucked.

[937] Here's what we do.

[938] We say, and he fucking testifies, I stumbled upon them, past the fuck out.

[939] As people say this, I raped and took Tanya and threw her and realized she was dead and threw her in the water.

[940] And then I dropped Misty off at the hospital unconscious and left her there.

[941] He says he fucking, yeah, it's like the most bullshit story ever.

[942] Well, and also he's choosing a terrible thing.

[943] It's not like he's choosing the better option where it's just like Someone else was awful and beat them, but I was good enough to rape and then drop one off.

[944] What the fuck is the thinking there?

[945] And it's also like after all this, like these phone calls and taunting and like really almost like seeing like he really is enjoying all this attention to just be such a fucking bitch and not be like, yeah, I'm guilty.

[946] He bitched out.

[947] Yeah.

[948] Classic move.

[949] Asshole.

[950] He said three doctors are called to test, are called as defense witnesses who have to be real proud of themselves.

[951] To explain drivers, Terry's impulsive sexual behavior and bizarre post -crime calls, because they're like, yeah, it was me who called and did all the other shit.

[952] They said he suffered from, the reason he did it is that he suffered from Tourette's syndrome.

[953] And that, I know.

[954] No. No. Fuck you.

[955] No. Yeah, that's not what Tourette syndrome is.

[956] I know.

[957] It's a special subset of Tourette's where you always pick up the phone first.

[958] Yeah.

[959] yeah i can i can feel terrible taunts and threats coming on hold on hold on let me call the police got to call the radio station um and that he also and that it was also explained by ocd and ad ad ADHD and it's like well we all have that yeah everyone's handling it fine yeah um prosecutor sean madigan said he was he was pissed off about the defense using those disorders to explain away his behavior because quote there are a lot of people with these afflictions and they functioned very well in society and I hated to see them branded the same as the Abbotsford killer.

[960] Amen.

[961] Fucking badass Misty shows up at the trial, fucking testifies on the stand, looks them right in the fucking face, points him out when they ask him who did it, and fucking recounts her entire fucking story.

[962] Wow.

[963] And does it in his fucking face.

[964] It's amazing.

[965] Incredible.

[966] Sorry, I was getting...

[967] I liked it.

[968] I liked it.

[969] It's fun.

[970] Terry Jivers convicted in 1997 the first -degree murder of Tanya Smith and the attempted murder of Misty Cockerel and declared a dangerous offender and sentenced to the mandatory term of life in prison with no parole for 25 years and another 10 years concurrent prison term.

[971] And the labeling him a dangerous offender means that he'd probably never fucking get out, which is great.

[972] They made that up when Paul Borendo did his fucking shithead thing.

[973] Bernardo.

[974] Let her say what she wants.

[975] Berendo's a street near where he used to live, right?

[976] That's right.

[977] That's where it is.

[978] I even wrote Berendo.

[979] Shit.

[980] Shit.

[981] Oh, shit.

[982] Shit.

[983] Shit.

[984] In a later trial, he's convicted of the two assaults, the two of the assaults he mentioned in the note he threw out the window.

[985] He had also...

[986] So one of the...

[987] those two were that he assaulted a mentally ill woman living in a group home, and he hit another woman over the head with a bat, fracturing her skull and causing permanent brain damage.

[988] So he's convicted for those two assaults.

[989] Good.

[990] After, okay, so after the trial, Misty finished high school and received a scholarship for the Canadian, from the Canadian Crime Victim Foundation to attend the, what do I do?

[991] To attend the university college of the phrase.

[992] Now, you made it so she can't read.

[993] I'm scared.

[994] She gets a BA in sociology.

[995] Now a day she volunteers for victim services and she said her ordeal has made her learn a lot about herself and the support network that's available for assault victims in the Providence.

[996] She just coaches people and does lectures and talks and is just this incredible victim's advocate now.

[997] She said, quote, victims are stigmatized to feel sorry for themselves forever and it was really my, and it wasn't, really my thing.

[998] I didn't feel sorry for myself.

[999] I love her.

[1000] I know.

[1001] She's a mother of two daughters and she still lives in Abbotsford and has also worked as a bereavement counselor for families of homicide victims.

[1002] Wow.

[1003] She's amazing.

[1004] She says that being a victim of assault doesn't define her and she prefers to see herself as a survivor and that is the Abbotsford.

[1005] Wow.

[1006] Wow.

[1007] That is an episode of I survived.

[1008] No. Yeah.

[1009] She's on I survived.

[1010] Shit.

[1011] I just realize that when you said the thing about the hedge, it's just a weird detail from the beginning.

[1012] Wow.

[1013] Yeah, I wish I hadn't washed my bangs in the sink and had more time to watch that.

[1014] I would skip that step altogether.

[1015] Well, the thing, too, is there none of those details, like the headstone thing wasn't in there.

[1016] Jesus Christ, that's unbelievable.

[1017] Yeah.

[1018] I just want to talk about the mysterious floating, severed feet of the Salish Sea.

[1019] Oh.

[1020] Oh.

[1021] Oh.

[1022] Holy shit.

[1023] It's not inspiring and it's not, you know, a survival story.

[1024] It's just fucking weird.

[1025] It's a series of weird things that people are trying to tell us isn't a big deal, and it is a goddamn, but they're trying to explain it away.

[1026] They're trying to make me not theorize that there's a very specific serial killer or shark out there doing weird shit.

[1027] Or a fucking duo of a shark and a serial killer.

[1028] Oh, my God.

[1029] Yeah.

[1030] A land sea duo.

[1031] A surf and turf killer duo.

[1032] Canada, you've got it all.

[1033] Oh, wait.

[1034] We'll be moving here within six months.

[1035] Wait, someone start the paperwork.

[1036] There's one more photo.

[1037] That's Missy now.

[1038] There she is.

[1039] Yep.

[1040] She's on and I survived.

[1041] She's super badass on I survived.

[1042] Amazing.

[1043] Yeah.

[1044] If you see her, say hi to us, please, Abbotsford.

[1045] Look at this.

[1046] All right.

[1047] Do you recognize that?

[1048] It's the West Coast.

[1049] Oh, yeah.

[1050] It's the West Coast of United States and Canada.

[1051] We've been there this entire weekend.

[1052] This is where we call our home this weekend.

[1053] Up and down.

[1054] Up and down it.

[1055] It's beautiful.

[1056] Oh, we've driven hither and yawn.

[1057] I asked, this was the original, but then I asked Stephen to zoom in.

[1058] I asked him to zoom in, and this is what I got.

[1059] I mean, can you make it look kind of like modern art and not help informationally in any way?

[1060] And he was like, I'm on it, Karen.

[1061] I love you.

[1062] We'll just do that.

[1063] Okay.

[1064] Be a little more helpful.

[1065] Okay.

[1066] Oh, God damn it.

[1067] I got this information from the National Post, the New York Times, a wonderful website called Atlas Obscura, that I love.

[1068] Vox .com did a really good kind of comprehensive thing on it.

[1069] And then, of course, really my second brain, Wikipedia.

[1070] I thought you were going to say, just conjecture.

[1071] And then, of course, my own personal theories.

[1072] Okay, since August 20th, 2007, beachcomers in the greater Vancouver area and up and along the west coast of the United States and Canada have been finding more than just the standard kelp piles and broken seashells.

[1073] washing up on the sandy shores and the sailish seat.

[1074] Thank you.

[1075] Wow.

[1076] This is why I don't have time to do my hair.

[1077] Oh, just waxing poetic on my laptop.

[1078] Flourish of words.

[1079] Having the best time, I was like, what is on the beach?

[1080] Well, there's piles of kelp.

[1081] Sure.

[1082] And, of course, there's always part of a seashell that looks kind of rad, and then it's just broken, and you fucking huck it.

[1083] But you've got to mention the sand.

[1084] Where would you be without mentioning the sand?

[1085] Oh, that's true.

[1086] You did?

[1087] Oh, I did, yeah, Sandy Shores.

[1088] Oh, thank you.

[1089] I thought you were pointing out that I had.

[1090] No. Yeah, I'm shaming you for not bringing up a fucking...

[1091] What, Karen.

[1092] If you're on the beach and you're not talking about the sand, I don't know what you're doing.

[1093] Yeah, I don't even know where...

[1094] I can't visualize where I am unless you tell me what is there.

[1095] Okay, but that was for to say, 16 detached human feet have been found along the West Coast waterway that connects the United States and Canada.

[1096] Sixteen.

[1097] You guys, what are you doing?

[1098] What are you or any of us doing?

[1099] Why do we even?

[1100] All of these floating feet have had either a running shoe or a hiking boot attached.

[1101] Oh, except one.

[1102] Most often, they are New Balance, Nike, and of course, Ozark Trail, which can be a purchase at Walmart.

[1103] Really?

[1104] Yeah.

[1105] New Balance, it's like, New Balance, cool.

[1106] Nike, cool.

[1107] Ozark Trail.

[1108] Ozark Trail is like Timberland for poor people.

[1109] Got it.

[1110] It looks exactly the same.

[1111] People who weren't brand horrors.

[1112] Right, exactly.

[1113] Maybe people who aren't so materialistic, Karen.

[1114] You don't need a fucking label to define them.

[1115] Labels.

[1116] Exactly.

[1117] Thank you.

[1118] Am I right?

[1119] Thank you.

[1120] Labels.

[1121] Thank you.

[1122] That reminds me, this is very random, but when I got into the elevator at our hotel, as the doors were closing, I don't know why I want to just be in the elevator by myself so bad, but I really do.

[1123] And when the doors are closing and someone throws their arm out, would you say?

[1124] Sorry, nothing.

[1125] Pretend I didn't say.

[1126] Did you fart?

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] I mean, I do, but not that time.

[1129] Okay.

[1130] As the doors are closing, this old lady throws an arm out and gets in with me. Uh -oh.

[1131] And she's got a Chanel purse and I think a Chanel scarf.

[1132] She smells really rich.

[1133] She had a lot of things on.

[1134] But she goes, What floor?

[1135] And I was like, said the floor, and then she goes, Bon.

[1136] Whoa.

[1137] Bon.

[1138] And then when she got off on her floor, she went, goodbye.

[1139] She's aggressively polite.

[1140] And also, I could have pressed my own button.

[1141] She ran that elevator for us.

[1142] So then I didn't regret letting her on.

[1143] Chanel, ladies and gentlemen.

[1144] Okay, we go now to the first reported incident.

[1145] On August 20th, 2007, on Jedediah Island, a girl visiting from Washington is walking along the beach, and she picks up a blue and white.

[1146] size 12 Adita shoe with a sock inside.

[1147] Why?

[1148] She told her friend she'd bring her a present back from her trip to Canada.

[1149] Like that's not a bad question, right?

[1150] No. She's a curious mind.

[1151] She's an inquiring mind.

[1152] Have you ever picked up a fucking random shoe?

[1153] I think it's an old shoe?

[1154] Well, she's like, perhaps there's some treasure in here.

[1155] That's true.

[1156] It could be full of...

[1157] You don't know.

[1158] It could be full of de blooms or something.

[1159] But no, instead, there was a sock in there, and then when she opened this sock...

[1160] Why?

[1161] Why?

[1162] Well, if you're going to do it, go all the way.

[1163] And inside the sock is a man's right foot.

[1164] Six days later, on Gabriola Island, a couple.

[1165] Isn't that the best island for feet?

[1166] Oh.

[1167] Oh, so gorgeous.

[1168] A couple find a men's size 12 white Reebok shoe with a foot inside.

[1169] It's always going to end like that.

[1170] I'll stop being surprised by it.

[1171] Huh?

[1172] No. I thought at least once you give me an empty one.

[1173] This fucking story.

[1174] Can you please pepper them in?

[1175] It's so funny because when you think about it, like, a single shoe laying there is a very disturbing sight.

[1176] That's true.

[1177] You're like, so someone's running and their shoe came off?

[1178] They didn't go back for it.

[1179] Like, what emergency happened here?

[1180] What story needs to be told?

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] So it's bad enough with just the shoe alone on the beach.

[1183] Then you're like, a wet sock.

[1184] Yeah.

[1185] Then you unwrap it like a present.

[1186] Yeah.

[1187] She's like, oh, my God, my friend, Deanna's going to love the...

[1188] Oh, shoot.

[1189] Shoot.

[1190] Deanna, God damn it.

[1191] Now I have to get her a sweatshirt.

[1192] Royal Canadian Mounted Police Officer Gary Cox is quoted as saying, Finding one foot is like a million to one odds.

[1193] Finding two is crazy.

[1194] Oh, Coxie.

[1195] They don't coxie.

[1196] Gary.

[1197] Gary, you do not.

[1198] I feel like if you're going to be giving press quotes, you're going to want to tighten up the language a little bit.

[1199] Gary, as a police officer, we don't like to let the press know.

[1200] surprised by anything.

[1201] That's kind of against what we do.

[1202] Try to do a thing where you're acting like you're handling it.

[1203] You're not as shocked as the 12 -year -old girl who found the foot.

[1204] Maybe put your hand on your hip and use the word location and observe, stuff like that.

[1205] Vehicle.

[1206] They love to say vehicle.

[1207] Pretend like you've seen some shit.

[1208] Yeah.

[1209] As my friend, my dog, he used to say, act like you've been in the end zone before.

[1210] I like that.

[1211] It's football, right?

[1212] That's right, Georgia.

[1213] Thank you.

[1214] Sports.

[1215] Six months later, on February 8, 2008, a third foot in a size 11 white and blue men's Nike running shoe is found on Valdez Island.

[1216] Also a right foot.

[1217] Then on May 22nd, 2008, a right foot is found inside a women's white and blue new balance running shoe on Kirkland Island.

[1218] Nobody?

[1219] I like that belongs to Costco they don't like it yeah they're like those cheap jeans we hate that shit that was weird because usually there's a sound or anything at least one sad person it sounded like everyone held their breath at one time they're just like she's not talking about Kirkland Island is she not tonight we won't have it that one is off limits talk about literally anything else don't you dare talk about my Kirkland Island like that a month later another foot is found on Westam Island, right?

[1220] Thank you.

[1221] Now we know everything's okay with Westam fucking island.

[1222] It's a left men's blue and white Nike running shoe, and it's eventually matched through DNA to the right foot that was found on Valdez Island in February.

[1223] They're across the channel from each other.

[1224] And eventually they're identified as belonging to a Surrey man who'd been missing since 2006.

[1225] In November of 2008, a left women's blue and white new balance running shoe is found on Kirkland Island.

[1226] No, no, she's doing it again.

[1227] Don't do it.

[1228] Leave it alone.

[1229] This shoe matches the right shoe found in May and is linked by DNA to a woman who'd been missing since 2004.

[1230] So eventually when people start theorizing, I mean, this is now, we're up to like six.

[1231] feet and shoes.

[1232] And people are, just start screaming again.

[1233] People are like, this is quite something.

[1234] It was, it had actually, sorry, made the, make sure I don't pick up my trivia and start talking about Jeff anymore.

[1235] It had made headlines from newspapers all around the world, the Melbourne, Harold's son, the Guardian in London, Cape Times, and South Africa.

[1236] Everybody's talking about these shoes and feet.

[1237] You guys, they know about you.

[1238] and they're so proud of you and it's called this series of discoveries is called astounding and almost beyond explanation and actually one night on for a while on Letterman remember Letterman Letterman used to any time there was a Canadian guest on he would ask him about the seven feet he would just check in and see if they knew anything amazing it's like the original hometown exactly okay so on June 18th 2008 another human foot is discovered on Taiyi spit near Campbell River on Vancouver Island it was a hoax I'm so sorry it was actually a skeletonized animal paw that was put into a sock and a shoe and then stuffed with dried seaweed you sons of bitches by the biggest fucking asshole in the entire world.

[1239] They're like, you know what's fun?

[1240] What a dick.

[1241] Severed feet.

[1242] Did they catch you?

[1243] Did it?

[1244] Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I wonder if it was Gary, launched an investigation in the hoax and an arrest could be made due to charges of public mischief.

[1245] No. But that was 10 full years ago, so I bet we haven't heard, so nothing happened.

[1246] That guy's grown up and he's sorry for it.

[1247] Oh, what if he goes to church every morning because of it?

[1248] Hmm.

[1249] I mean, that's not that bad.

[1250] That's what I'm saying.

[1251] He's overreacting.

[1252] Yeah.

[1253] You know how men are.

[1254] You know how that guy.

[1255] Okay.

[1256] I'm on that one.

[1257] Less than a year later in October.

[1258] I mean, sorry, this is a series of these.

[1259] Less than a year later in October of 2009, a right foot in the size, an eight and a half white, blue, and red men's Nike running shoe is found in the Fraser River.

[1260] And this is eventually linked to a man who had gone missing a year before.

[1261] Then on August 27th, 2010, so like six months later in Washington State, a woman's right foot without a shoe or sock, you wooed at the wrong time now.

[1262] I know you didn't mean it.

[1263] It's found on Whidbey Island.

[1264] The whole island's here?

[1265] So many people.

[1266] They canoed over from camp.

[1267] Camp Wigbee.

[1268] The current's going against us.

[1269] It had been in the water for two months, and when they checked the DNA, there was no match in the national database.

[1270] Then about six months later, December 5th, on the tidal flats of Tacoma, Washington, I mean, it's a weird cheering situation, right?

[1271] because you love your city and then here comes some foot news a right foot inside a boy's six Ozark Trail hiking boot is discovered.

[1272] But police say it could have been worn by a juvenile or a small adult female.

[1273] It's not.

[1274] It still sucks.

[1275] Yeah.

[1276] It doesn't make anybody feel better.

[1277] No. Then on so like eight months later August 30th, a men size 9 And left foot is found in a men's white and blue running shoe in the lagoon near the Plaza of Nations.

[1278] Yeah, the lower leg bones were still attached.

[1279] So we're actually now talking about part of a leg that was found.

[1280] But it had that shoe, so we're going to include it in the series.

[1281] Just in case.

[1282] On November 4th, a group of campers find a right foot in a men -sized 12 hiking boot in Sassim.

[1283] Matt Lake.

[1284] In Port Moody.

[1285] This will eventually be matched through DNA to a 65 -year -old fisherman who'd been missing since 1987.

[1286] Isn't that nuts?

[1287] Are you choking?

[1288] No way.

[1289] That's crazy.

[1290] Shit.

[1291] That's swallowing.

[1292] You just take it across the table.

[1293] Let's see.

[1294] On December 10th, I mean, it just keeps coming.

[1295] It's like once a month.

[1296] try to tell us that doesn't mean something.

[1297] It fucking does.

[1298] On December 10th, a leg bone and a footer found in a plastic bag under the Ship Canal Bridge in Lake Union, Seattle.

[1299] Did you hear about the foot and leg?

[1300] Yes!

[1301] Yes!

[1302] That's why we're here!

[1303] This is our job.

[1304] It's so fun.

[1305] Listen, if we're over high.

[1306] You guys should get a job like this.

[1307] It's pretty sweet.

[1308] It's so good.

[1309] In Vancouver, on January 26, 2012, human bones inside a boot are found along the water line at the dog park near the Maritime Museum.

[1310] Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's convoluted that one because it's a bummer, but then you know the dogs were kind of into it.

[1311] They can't help it, they don't know.

[1312] Bones.

[1313] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1314] In October 2012, a right foot in a white and blue men's tennis shoe is found in Falls Creek.

[1315] DNA analysis, that's very tasteful of you, Falls Creek.

[1316] They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're here.

[1317] We're here, but we're being respectful of random feet.

[1318] DNA analysis links this to the left foot that had been found the year before, also in Falls Creek.

[1319] So in Seattle on May 6, 2014, a left human foot in, men's size 10 and a half white new balance shoes with a blue trim or it's just the one shoe it's one foot wearing one shoe is found along the shoreline of centennial park near pier 86 grain terminal um jesus the hits keep coming i mean it doesn't end then so then there's a little bit of a break and then about two years later february 7th 2016 a left foot is found in a black gray and blue new balance running shoe on the botanical beach in on botanical beach on on Vancouver Island.

[1320] Vancouver Island, you already cheered.

[1321] On February 12th, a right foot is found in the same color and type of new balance shoe on botanical beach, and DNA matches it to the left foot that had been discovered five days before.

[1322] I mean, here's the thing.

[1323] There's no other body parts being reported as washing up anywhere.

[1324] Just feet, feet, and more fucking feet.

[1325] Yeah, it's enough to be creepy as fuck.

[1326] They want to explain it away, which I'm going to do very soon and ruin everything.

[1327] But, God damn it.

[1328] On December 8th, 2017, great.

[1329] Great.

[1330] The remains of a leg and a foot inside a shoe washed up on Vancouver Island near the Jordan River, and they were able to match the DNA to a man who'd gone missing two months earlier.

[1331] Then on May 6th of this year, a man, yeah, a man discovers a hiking boot with a foot inside, wedged, into a log jam on Gabriola Island.

[1332] What was he doing in a log jam?

[1333] The guy who found it, I mean.

[1334] Oh, he's got this weird perversion.

[1335] We shouldn't talk about it.

[1336] Okay, okay.

[1337] It's none of my business.

[1338] It's none of my business.

[1339] Haven't you ever seen logjam porn?

[1340] Okay, so here's some of the theories.

[1341] They ruin all the fun.

[1342] When I first heard about this, when the article started coming out of like, what is the series of severed feet?

[1343] And I was like, yes, oh my God.

[1344] And then, of course, immediately people are like, well, if you die in the water somehow, and in that area there's lots of bridges, and so there are suicides of people that decide to jump off a bridge.

[1345] And apparently the muscles and the things around your ankles are one of the weaker parts.

[1346] So your feet disarticulate, that's a word I use constantly, disarticulate from the rest of the body early.

[1347] And if you're wearing a running shoe or a hiking boot, there's so much.

[1348] plastic on it, it flips and floats.

[1349] And apparently these types of things, feed and shoes, can float for thousands of miles on the water.

[1350] And then they find a fucking unsuspecting 12 -year -old on a beach.

[1351] It's just trying to be on vacation.

[1352] To need therapy for the rest of their lives.

[1353] So some people think disaster.

[1354] So it's victims of tsunamis that are around the world, plane crash, as boat accidents.

[1355] We know people fall off of cruise ships a lot and it's not talked about and we need to talk about it more.

[1356] Like right now.

[1357] They just disappear off of cruise ships.

[1358] Shut up.

[1359] Does that happen a lot?

[1360] Yes.

[1361] Yeah.

[1362] Let's never go on a cruise.

[1363] Okay.

[1364] I feel like if we had a my favorite murder cruise which has been pitched to us by our agent, if anyone buys tickets, we'll be like, you're not a listener.

[1365] You should fucking know better.

[1366] Yeah, you should know that if you get on that cruise, ship, you will be killed.

[1367] You'll be disappeared off that ship.

[1368] Our agent's like, for some reason, you're not selling any tickets to this thing.

[1369] We're like, that's fucking right.

[1370] They're as paranoid as we are.

[1371] Spencer Davis wrote in the Pacific Standard, when a body floating in water is subjected to the push and pull of its environment, the bones of hands and feet.

[1372] Oh, I said that already.

[1373] It's Spencer Davis's idea.

[1374] They're always the first to fall off.

[1375] And then this particular current, it's a, it's, you know, It's a strong and common one.

[1376] That's the theory.

[1377] So it's like there's the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, right?

[1378] That's over here.

[1379] Then there's Foot Island over here.

[1380] You do the math.

[1381] And which one's the one that's kick the boot that's kicking the...

[1382] No, that's Italy.

[1383] That's Italy.

[1384] I know.

[1385] Some people theorize that drug dealer.

[1386] are organized crime members.

[1387] Are they called members?

[1388] They have membership cards?

[1389] The organization.

[1390] Right.

[1391] The members of the organization organized crime.

[1392] They use this area specifically as a dump site.

[1393] Huh.

[1394] Because you've heard of the very powerful arm of the Gambino crime family here in British Columbia.

[1395] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1396] They're everywhere.

[1397] Gabagoo.

[1398] Crazy.

[1399] So those are all the kind of The explanations, right?

[1400] And they're probably all a little right.

[1401] Yeah, I mean, it's, those are, they're reasonable.

[1402] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1403] But let's do their unreasonable ones.

[1404] Okay.

[1405] Because.

[1406] Those are way less depressing.

[1407] Now, listen, nobody mentions this part, which I think is pretty fucking key, that right here in Vancouver, there's a shopping center called leg and boot square.

[1408] Uh -uh.

[1409] Yes, there is.

[1410] And there's a reason it's called fucking leg and boot square.

[1411] And that's because in 1887, a boot with a leg and boot, leg in it washed up on the shores of False Creek.

[1412] No, uh.

[1413] Wait, let me see if, uh, I have a, I have a picture of a boot from 1887.

[1414] No, hold on.

[1415] No, those are just shoes.

[1416] What happened?

[1417] Stephen, we know what shoes look like.

[1418] Oh.

[1419] Stephen just wanted to fucking, he had a date.

[1420] You wanted to get it over with?

[1421] He's like, Karen, is this okay?

[1422] You're talking about shoes, right?

[1423] Okay.

[1424] None of these shoes have.

[1425] been found with feed in them, but they're all available for purchase online.

[1426] If you had to choose one, which one on two chair?

[1427] I guess I'm on two is on yellow one.

[1428] There's that boot.

[1429] That's a boot from 1887.

[1430] I don't know if it's the boot that was found.

[1431] It's in good condition.

[1432] Also, I love the fact that the picture gets cut off before the actual shoe part is involved.

[1433] Yep.

[1434] If you had to spend one night with that boot on.

[1435] Where would you go?

[1436] What would you do?

[1437] What would you have for dinner?

[1438] Can I come?

[1439] I guess I'd have acres of clans.

[1440] Callback.

[1441] That's what that is.

[1442] Boom.

[1443] Now where am I?

[1444] Oh, leg in boot square.

[1445] Right.

[1446] The amazing shopping center that I saw six pictures of online.

[1447] So gorgeous.

[1448] Why do they name a whole...

[1449] Okay.

[1450] Because I'm telling you.

[1451] Right.

[1452] Somebody found a leg in a boot in 1887, and the cops, the local constables, they didn't want to go out and actually find who it belonged to.

[1453] So they took the leg in the boot and they stuck it on a pike and left it in front of the precinct office.

[1454] It's like a wanted poster, but it's just the actual.

[1455] Have you seen your own leg?

[1456] Oh, my God.

[1457] And then after two weeks, they threw it out because no one claimed it.

[1458] Did they recycle it?

[1459] Recycling Center?

[1460] That's right.

[1461] And then Scott found it.

[1462] That's right.

[1463] Then Scott at the Recycling Center is like, are you got to be kidding me. I have to start a podcast.

[1464] My life is nuts.

[1465] So my theory is that the ghost of the person whose leg was in the leg and boot has come back to wreak havoc on the police who never solved his mis...

[1466] Thank you.

[1467] What I'm saying is take the facts, take the information, and give me something.

[1468] Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.

[1469] No one wants to talk about suicide.

[1470] Let's talk about ghost revenge.

[1471] That's the shit.

[1472] Yes, yes.

[1473] in 2016 okay but they still named an entire okay shopping center why would they I mean it also seems like no one knew what that name was from you're just calling it leg and boot you're just like why do they call it that I don't know some weirdo named it this is the reality check part in 2016 coroner Barb McClintock told the Canadian press that the most of the feet are the remains of people who died because of accidents or suicide of the 12 feet that had been discovered at the time of this publication, 10 had been linked to seven individuals.

[1474] And she says, quote, we pretty well think we know what happened in every case.

[1475] They're all very sad.

[1476] But, but, since that article was printed, two more human feet have been found in the area.

[1477] So let's not give up hope that it's a ghost shark.

[1478] It's the ghost of a shark coming back for revenge with his serial killer buddy.

[1479] Yes.

[1480] So he rides the ghost shark.

[1481] Yes.

[1482] And then.

[1483] Yep.

[1484] One day, and it's the ghost of the boot guy.

[1485] Yep.

[1486] On the ghost shark.

[1487] Right.

[1488] It's two ghosts now.

[1489] Heading.

[1490] To leg and boot square.

[1491] To pick up his leg.

[1492] And that is the story of the floating severed feet of the Salish Sea.

[1493] Good job.

[1494] Thank you.

[1495] Wait.

[1496] Stephen.

[1497] That's a Timberland.

[1498] You don't have, don't pay Timberland prices when you can get Ozark Trail.

[1499] Yeah.

[1500] There's no need to do it.

[1501] Are we going to have to pay royalties to use those photos?

[1502] Yeah, shit.

[1503] I think so.

[1504] Yeah, I think we have time for a hometown murder.

[1505] This is his microphone on?

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] I forgot the present for the hometown people.

[1508] You didn't bring it?

[1509] No, what?

[1510] I'll run and grab it.

[1511] Okay, we got you guys a present, whoever does it.

[1512] The name of the porn movie in Big Lobboski is called Log Jabbin.

[1513] Oh.

[1514] Vince with a fact.

[1515] And Canada does not have Southwest Airlines.

[1516] Is that true?

[1517] I think from now on we need Vince to sit on the stage with a laptop and like a head mic.

[1518] His corrections corner with Vince.

[1519] In real time.

[1520] In corrections corner.

[1521] Yes, please.

[1522] I'm going to go get the fruit skewer.

[1523] Thank you.

[1524] Okay.

[1525] Vince, everyone.

[1526] Vince.

[1527] So.

[1528] Tour manager to the stars.

[1529] Oh, we're going to brief you very quickly.

[1530] I know we really don't have to because you're.

[1531] Canadian and you're very polite.

[1532] But here's the deal, and I think you already know it.

[1533] For the hometown murders, we love it when it's local.

[1534] If it can be a Vancouver story, definitely a British Columbia story, that's what we want.

[1535] You think, no, it doesn't matter.

[1536] My story is great, and I'm from Chicago.

[1537] Fuck you.

[1538] Is our answer.

[1539] Shut up!

[1540] Is what we say to that.

[1541] Don't be so drunk?

[1542] Don't be so drunk that you can't.

[1543] You can't follow your own line of thinking.

[1544] It should be quick, beginning, middle, and end.

[1545] People always love a nice ending.

[1546] So if you can tell us what happened, where the people ended up, if they ever served time, whatever, that's good.

[1547] And remember that if you get picked, everyone else hates you, so you have to go nice and fast and keep it quick.

[1548] All right.

[1549] Oh, I think that's it.

[1550] Oh, here it is.

[1551] We stopped at a little, thank you.

[1552] Thank you, Ben.

[1553] We stopped as this like adorable, tiny little like fruit stand mart.

[1554] and I freaked the fuck out when I saw this.

[1555] It's just a skewer with, like, fruit candy and, like, gummy weren't gummy candy?

[1556] So it looks like fruit.

[1557] But it's not fruit.

[1558] But it's candy.

[1559] Do you guys have candy here?

[1560] So we're, and Karen goes, Hometown present?

[1561] I don't know, it was the best.

[1562] You're picking tonight.

[1563] Okay.

[1564] So can me get the lights up so Karen can get a good, good look at y 'all.

[1565] I'm going to feel it.

[1566] I'm going to do it more with my gut.

[1567] Holy shit.

[1568] many people are here.

[1569] Oh my God.

[1570] Hi.

[1571] Hi back there.

[1572] So exciting.

[1573] You're too high up in the we can't.

[1574] You're going to jump?

[1575] Okay.

[1576] Which way?

[1577] Okay.

[1578] Can you turn the lights down?

[1579] Because she'll freak out if she sees all these people.

[1580] Thank you.

[1581] It's terror.

[1582] It's truly terrifying.

[1583] See, Lexi.

[1584] It's Lexi, everybody.

[1585] Say hi to Lexi.

[1586] Hi, Lex.

[1587] Here, take this.

[1588] Come stand here.

[1589] It's right in the middle.

[1590] Holy shit.

[1591] Oh, leg and boot.

[1592] She's the ghost.

[1593] I rode my ghost shark all the way here.

[1594] Yay, thank you.

[1595] Where are you from?

[1596] I'm from Vernon, British Columbia, which is, yeah.

[1597] What up, Okanagan?

[1598] So it's about, I don't know, a five -hour drive from here.

[1599] Oh.

[1600] So my hometown is actually very cool.

[1601] It is a mass murder.

[1602] Oh, that is cool.

[1603] I mean, it's not cool, but.

[1604] Yeah.

[1605] Oh, we know.

[1606] Yeah, we really know.

[1607] You're doing great.

[1608] I'm going to be over here.

[1609] You do it.

[1610] So, in April of 1996, Mark Chahal left Burnaby.

[1611] What up?

[1612] No?

[1613] It's fine.

[1614] Fuck out.

[1615] And drove in his car to the Colonna Airport.

[1616] At the Colonna Airport...

[1617] She's a security screener.

[1618] Shut up!

[1619] At the Colonna Airport, he then rented a van.

[1620] and drove the rest of the way to Vernon the reason he was going to Vernon is because he was going to take revenge on his estranged wife who had been living with her family there and they were preparing for her sister's wedding.

[1621] So in his car he had 38 -caliber semi -automatic Smith and Wesson handgun, 40 -caliber, Smith and Wesson Revolver and something else gauged shotgun.

[1622] Yes.

[1623] A 15 or a 16?

[1624] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1625] Okay, yeah.

[1626] Yeah, those ones are the worst.

[1627] Guns.

[1628] So he arrived at the family home at about 10 .30 in the morning.

[1629] He took both handguns out of the car and walked up the driveway where his ex -father -in -law was washing one of the cars.

[1630] He then shot him in the face.

[1631] Oh.

[1632] And then he fired into the home through the front window and then went through the house.

[1633] He shot everybody.

[1634] Oh, my God.

[1635] He shot his ex -wife, her sister, her grandmother.

[1636] The only people that he spared with the children, which is nice.

[1637] Oh, my babe.

[1638] He fired 28 shots while he was in the house.

[1639] And then he left through the back door, the neighbor's door.

[1640] called the police.

[1641] By the time the police arrived, six people were dead.

[1642] Later, three more died in hospital.

[1643] After he left, he drove back to his motel that he had rented, and it seemed like he had planned on escaping, and instead he changed his mind.

[1644] He wrote a suicide note and killed himself there.

[1645] Wow.

[1646] Yeah, I mean, yeah.

[1647] And that's the end.

[1648] Wow.

[1649] Oh, my God.

[1650] Perfectly did.

[1651] Lexi, everybody.

[1652] You did it.

[1653] That was fucking horrifying and really fast.

[1654] Wow.

[1655] Jesus Christ.

[1656] See, this job gets hard sometimes, though, too.

[1657] And that's because that's awful and we hate it and it's terrible.

[1658] But it's this kind of little way for us to connect and also because so many of us have this anxiety because we are well fucking aware that horrible things.

[1659] happen to people all the time, and we're not fucking stuck up enough to think that we couldn't be those people, too, so we have this crazy anxiety.

[1660] But what we love about this community that's come together is that with each other, we've shown each other that we're all into this fucking insane thing and have fascinated with it, but also all have this crazy anxiety.

[1661] And what we love about this podcast is so many people thank us and tell us that they have sought help for that crazy anxiety because we're so open about it.

[1662] it, which is just, I mean, the fact that they thank us is ridiculous and hilarious and wonderful, but it does mean a lot to us that you guys connect with each other through that anxiety and take care of it because it's important.

[1663] Yeah, that's right.

[1664] Yeah.

[1665] And we also, we like to take this time just to say, you know, we do understand and realize that we are the luckiest people in the world.

[1666] We, three years ago, just thought it would be fun, just like the dark poutine guys.

[1667] We thought it would be fun just to get together and talk about this thing that we love to talk to each other about so much and now we get to go on world fucking tours and we get to meet amazing people that are just like us that have the same interests and the same passions and the same, you know, everything.

[1668] And then we get to watch you guys all meet and connect with each other which is probably the most beautiful part of all of it.

[1669] Like people walking up and saying because of you I now have this best friend because of you, I'm closer to my sister, me and my mom listen to this together.

[1670] It's just the coolest thing in the world, and we're so lucky.

[1671] So thank you very, very much for being here with us.

[1672] Vancouver, Canada, we fucking love you guys so much.

[1673] You support this shit out of us.

[1674] We'll always come here on our tour.

[1675] Thank you guys so much for being here tonight.

[1676] It's been incredible.

[1677] Thank you.

[1678] And stay sexy.

[1679] And don't get it!

[1680] Thank you.