#894 - #WhoIsFat - Day 1

[0] I don't know.

[1] You don't look very fat to me. I'm so fat.

[2] If I had to describe you to someone, I wouldn't say that's a fat guy.

[3] It feels good.

[4] You would definitely say stocky.

[5] I wouldn't say you're fat either right now.

[6] I wouldn't say you're a fat guy.

[7] I know you're wearing layers right now.

[8] I'm wearing a lot of layers.

[9] Because you're weighing in, so you're trying to dehydrate.

[10] Yeah.

[11] Because you kind of came in late to the game.

[12] Yeah.

[13] He sandbagged me. This motherfucker had been working out since August.

[14] And it's November, he says, hey, let's do a weight loss.

[15] challenge.

[16] I'm at 240.

[17] I'm 2 .56 at the time.

[18] I'm like, okay.

[19] Wait, that's a little bit of a Burtism, though.

[20] Bert's, I don't know if you know, is Bert's prone to exaggerate slightly.

[21] It's called hyperbole.

[22] Okay.

[23] He was 256 on Thanksgiving after a full binge.

[24] That wasn't his walk around.

[25] It was a New York binge where I drank every day on Opie Radio, drank every single night, and then came back.

[26] And then he weighed himself.

[27] And then I, like, I was a full binge.

[28] Ari said to me, he's like, there's no way you're 244.

[29] I got on because that's what.

[30] Bunz was on November 11th.

[31] That's where my special and Showtime came out.

[32] And that's when we waited in.

[33] It was the day.

[34] I saw you the next day at the end of the world podcast.

[35] What did you think I was there?

[36] That's November 8th, though.

[37] I didn't check.

[38] I was robust.

[39] You were big.

[40] I was big.

[41] You had a gut.

[42] Now, what made you guys start this?

[43] Fucking Ari.

[44] But actually, that's what, Ari made the challenge, but I was thinking about the origin of bird is fat.

[45] It's you.

[46] You and your wife when you get together are dicks.

[47] hashtag your mom's house hashtag your mom's house his name of the podcast is the thing you said to other kids when you didn't like them yeah that's where I was your mom's house you wonder where this hate -filled fucking podcast comes from so wait though but this is where it came from we were watching a movie and do you remember a few years ago the head of the International Monetary Fund Dominique Strauss -Kahn was in the scandal In New York Like a maid He raped a maid That's right He was accused of raping the maid It was eventually cleared And it inspired a movie That I think was on HBO or Showtime And we were watching it And they did it like loosely Or mostly based on that story But it wasn't a biopic And the guy that played DSK was Girard de Pardue And there's a scene Where they have him Get arrested And do the perp walk And then they do the strip search Like at Rikers Island and he had this totally bloated, distended, like, big booze body.

[48] And we were like, that looks like Bert, but like bigger, like way bigger.

[49] So then we talked about it on our podcast, and then people started to Photoshop Bert onto Gerard.

[50] I did not get.

[51] I was actually taking it as compliments because I know he's a very talented actor.

[52] I was like, oh, that's cool.

[53] By the way, this is all blindsiding me. This is happening in their little fucking world where they're just, and then at the same time, I started a vlog.

[54] Remember when I did my vlog, Jamie?

[55] And I knew that one of the things was popular on vlogs was weight loss.

[56] So I was watching my weight loss and I was losing weight, but I was always weighing in a speedo.

[57] And it was very self -deprecating.

[58] I was trying to make it funny.

[59] These two are watching at the exact same time and making fun of how fat I am.

[60] I'm oblivious to this.

[61] I'm oblivious to all of this.

[62] And then one day, Doug Benson and I get into a fight.

[63] I remember, I think everyone knows what I'm talking about here.

[64] Yeah, that was on his podcast, right?

[65] It was a live podcast and it was very uncomfortable and it was bad and I think I spoke I called Tom I went right to the bar after it I was fucking worked up I was like I think I called him I was drunk and I go I go he goes hello I go hey we need to talk and he goes I am so sorry I go for what and he goes wait what are you calling about And I go, Doug and I had a blowout.

[66] He goes, oh, never mind then.

[67] I go, wait, what are you sorry about?

[68] And he's like, you haven't been online, have you?

[69] And I said no. And he goes, all right, let's talk about what you're upset about.

[70] And then after we're done, go online.

[71] And I just want you to know, Christine and I are very sorry and we'll make this stop.

[72] And so I go online.

[73] It is trending.

[74] I mean, it is.

[75] Bird is fat And by the way And this is at the very beginning of it And I have to be very clear And honest about all of this Emotions because there are parts of this That are like trigger warning But like It was funny as fucking shit And you couldn't get mad at it Because it was all their best fans Making hilarious fucking jokes One guy had Took the name Burnt Chrysler And made his own fucking profile for it And we made a website He registered a website Yeah And by the way, by the way, I saw him in Hartford.

[76] He's obese.

[77] He's obese.

[78] Enormous.

[79] And he just sat in the front row the whole time going, Bert's fat, Bert's fat.

[80] Next day his mom shows up, hey, buddy, your mom's morbidly obese.

[81] And the first word she says to me is, why you so fat, Bert?

[82] She is five bills.

[83] And she said, why you so fat, Bert?

[84] And I'm like, oh, my God, this is getting out of fucking control.

[85] So he heckled you?

[86] Not heckle.

[87] He was being fun.

[88] But people say it as I hit the stage, too.

[89] Yeah.

[90] Like as I walk on stage, half the eyes go.

[91] why is bird fat?

[92] Like they yell it.

[93] Ari and I were in Calgary doing a stampede.

[94] And when I got on stage, all they were yelling is bird's fat, bird's fat, why are you so fat?

[95] And Ari's like, Arri said two things to me that night.

[96] He's like, I'm never seen that.

[97] And then at the end, I was like, I'm not telling the machine and they started booing.

[98] And Ari's like, dude, you got to tell the machine every fucking time.

[99] I was like, no shit.

[100] My career's gotten out of fucking control.

[101] I have no control.

[102] I'm fat, and I got to tell the fucking machine.

[103] And so then, then here's the crushing.

[104] The machine story, if you don't know, it's a crazy story.

[105] Go to the one that's on Facebook that went viral over the weekend.

[106] Yeah, 12 million views over the weekend.

[107] The machine story.

[108] The one from the special.

[109] It got 12 million views over the weekend?

[110] On Facebook.

[111] Holy shit.

[112] I was telling Tom, marketing companies were calling going like, hey, what was your secret?

[113] Yeah.

[114] How did you strategize this?

[115] Oh, God.

[116] I put up a good story.

[117] Gross fucks.

[118] And like 10 people that are popular online retweeted it.

[119] Yeah.

[120] So go to it.

[121] What's really cool about a little sidebar from this, but what's really cool about this, which I think you'll get a kick out of Joe.

[122] Is you guys heard me tell that story four years ago on this podcast.

[123] I think half the people, everyone liked it.

[124] Half people thought it was a lie.

[125] You know, other people go, I don't give a fuck.

[126] Some people are like, I bet it is true.

[127] The reason it went viral, I think, is that people in my class tagged in the comment section.

[128] This story is 100 % true and posted pictures of the entire trip all through the comment section.

[129] So you can see what Igor looks like.

[130] Oh, Jesus.

[131] You can see what Sasha looks.

[132] You see us that night on a train, drunk as fuck with the two gangsters.

[133] Wow.

[134] All those are in the comments.

[135] section and so everyone that's ever heard the story lost their shit like dude i got messages like one guy who said he was has cancer and this is the best thing that's ever happened to him terminal illness is so tough to deal with thank you so much and i'm like dude but anyway that's a sidebar to this story go to the facebook my facebook page anyway one morning i wake up now i'm dealing with what is what bill burr is does references fat shaming and quote unquote taking on water and i am fat and i wake up with panic attack before in the morning because I've been drinking and uh I go on my my wife's friends Instagram and her mom passed away.

[136] His mom's been to hospice.

[137] You know this one.

[138] And I write oh my god, so sorry for your loss.

[139] Um, we'll see you later today.

[140] And then one of Tom's fans and my fan, I guess, writes in the next comment, so sorry for your loss.

[141] Did Bert sit on your mom?

[142] Next one's, hey, if you keep her cold, a leader.

[143] Like it's just, she's, I mean, it's just brutal.

[144] Like, and then this woman comes over our house.

[145] She had lost her mom.

[146] Lost her mom in the middle of the fucking night.

[147] And her first words to me are, I'm sorry what's happening to you online.

[148] Oh, my God.

[149] Do you remember when you went to the zoo with the girls?

[150] Holy!

[151] You want to talk about fucking bizarre.

[152] I actually FaceTime him.

[153] And I just, it's a random call in the middle of the day.

[154] So he answers and he's in public.

[155] And I see him.

[156] He's like, hey, man. And I go, what are you doing?

[157] So I'm here with the girl.

[158] We're talking about the bird is fat, Thomas fat shirts.

[159] He's like, I'm going to make these shirts.

[160] I'll put them on my website.

[161] We'll split the profits.

[162] Just whatever.

[163] I'll just never let them on site so we can split the profits.

[164] We can track them.

[165] And I'm like, cool, cool.

[166] And I see, like, his daughter walk by.

[167] So I'm like, oh, it's people that he's, you know, maybe his sister's there with him.

[168] And then someone behind him was like, Bert's fat.

[169] Burr's fat.

[170] And I'm like, yeah.

[171] Like, I figure it's like a friend's mother or something.

[172] And then later he's like, yeah, that was a stranger.

[173] It was right then.

[174] It was right then.

[175] It was right then.

[176] It was right then.

[177] around and I go, I'm talking to Tom Sugara right now.

[178] And she goes, oh, shut up.

[179] Hi, Mommy.

[180] I'm a big fan jeans.

[181] Or whatever the fuck they say.

[182] But here's the other part that went crazy was after we, first of all, we had, I did a I did press in Syracuse, I think.

[183] You know when you do morning TV and they go, what do you want us to lead you with?

[184] And it's always like, you know, comics will be like, ask me about birds.

[185] I got a great thing, you know?

[186] And like they want like a bit.

[187] So I was just like ask me why Bert Kreisler's so fat and thinking because most of the times they go like well I don't know about that you know they don't want to get racy and the lady just goes okay so so Christina Takamimi yeah we're just in the middle and she goes oh I got to ask you something and I go what's that she goes why is Burke Chrysler so fat and she said it wrong and by the way Tom doesn't make a joke out of it he goes well he's an alcoholic yeah he's got a lot of problems and so we play that on the podcast And we go, ask, the whole thing was ask Bert why he's so fat.

[188] So why are you so fat?

[189] When I didn't really, I thought that like a hundred people would tweet it to him.

[190] Dude.

[191] I didn't know that they would destroy his Instagram, Facebook.

[192] Like, Twitter.

[193] To the point where I had to tell my daughters, you can't read this.

[194] Like, it's bad.

[195] And I've never blocked anybody.

[196] But then Joey says this.

[197] There are these people out there that are fucking broken.

[198] Yeah, yeah.

[199] And say really hateful things.

[200] And you're like, hey, man, I'm all about a good time.

[201] Yeah, yeah.

[202] make fun of me all you fucking well i take it like i tweeted some guy today that i forget what he said oh he goes to be honest with you i think both of you guys are winners in this challenge congratulations by the way bert you're still fat and i just i was on the treadmill and i stumbled and i sort of laughing and i went there's ones like that that that're out there that fucking great there's a funny one and i also i remember i called him when i thought it was too much i go i'll do a thing now where i say and he's like absolutely you're not my fucking mother do that do not coming out this front soup going he has asthma Stop picking on him.

[203] I was like, I'll take this on the fucking chin.

[204] But that's when we started to go competition.

[205] No, that's when Ari stepped in.

[206] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[207] Because you know Ari has no fucking heart.

[208] Ari, who's in Kuala Lampur right now?

[209] Yeah.

[210] We don't know where he is, right?

[211] We don't know where he is.

[212] So we're talking about this before.

[213] He had this podcast, an amazing podcast with Henry Rollins.

[214] And Henry Rollins, once a year, gets on a plane.

[215] He talks to his travel agent, and he goes, where can we go?

[216] And she's like, have you been to Burma?

[217] He's like, nope.

[218] so he flies to like Burma and knows no one, brings a laptop and like a notebook and like some underwear and just fucking wanders around.

[219] He gets a hotel room and he just goes out in the street and just goes there during the day and at night he writes.

[220] Yeah.

[221] Oh, okay.

[222] Yeah.

[223] Not impressed?

[224] I've traveled the fucking world.

[225] Let me tell you something.

[226] Everywhere is the same.

[227] Beaches or beaches.

[228] Fucking hotel rooms or hotel rooms.

[229] Yeah, because you're hammered everywhere you go.

[230] Yeah, but I also have an insightful...

[231] It's blurry, fuzzy...

[232] I have an insightful fucking eye.

[233] And like, trust me, after After a week, you're like, okay, this is getting old.

[234] Is there four seasons around here?

[235] Like, I can't, I think Ari gets a thrill out of that.

[236] Yeah, but, I mean, Henry Rollins legitimately enjoys it.

[237] If you listen to that podcast that he did, it's an amazing podcast because he just talks about the people that he's met and all the experiences that he's had.

[238] You're right.

[239] Maybe Henry Rollins is a little deeper than I am.

[240] I am a guy that, like, I want to go to a bar and meet a bunch of people and hang out and have a good time.

[241] I'm not, like, sitting there going, oh, what is their spice here and seems very dominant.

[242] Like, I'm not that guy.

[243] That ice cube weighs something.

[244] put it back he's about to suck on that ice cube he's been sucking on him that's the only thing i've been doing it let's get these fucking wands over i'm fucking we'll we'll get to that so what kind what kind of what kind of timeline are we talking about that this all started so after the r e podcast which was november 7th i'm guessing so i'm guessing so basically that's this year though yeah basically two months so this is yeah it's basically so when did you start losing weight though you started losing weight way before that august august and what what made you decide I think part of it was that we had been doing all the fat talk.

[245] Right.

[246] When did the fat talk start?

[247] When did hashtag birds?

[248] Definitely in the summer.

[249] I remember listening one of your podcasts.

[250] It had to be early then.

[251] It had to be like May or June.

[252] It was easily June.

[253] May. May with Syracuse, yeah.

[254] Because I remember in July, I was in Alabama and I was jogging and I was listening to you and push fucking destroy me. And I could not stop laughing because it was, I think it was me talking on a, you guys taking everything I do.

[255] By the way, the funniest thing that I have.

[256] seen from this so far is that a lot of English as a second language teachers around the country have sent in videos where they're like in India, Japan, China, and they...

[257] A lot.

[258] Like an alarming amount of English to second language.

[259] And they put a camera in the room and as they're teaching the kids, they teach them to say, Burt Chrysler is fat.

[260] So we have tons of these videos and then like where the kids are like, and also like one lady was like draws like it's just a fat guy on a chalkboard and she's like, this is Bert and the kids go, this is Bert and then she's like, he eats too much and they're like, he eats too much and they go through the whole thing.

[261] See, he's got a teammate.

[262] I'm doing this fucking solo.

[263] It's true.

[264] I would love my wife.

[265] My wife got involved.

[266] She fucking hates this weight loss thing.

[267] Does she?

[268] Oh, hates it.

[269] Why?

[270] Like I would say that I'm eating dead serious me Tom and push.

[271] I have to go to dinner and apologize to Leon.

[272] Why do you call her push?

[273] Because her last name Pesinski and when we first met He's always on that I'm never good with Christina's and Tina's and Christens and all that She just call her push?

[274] Yeah, it tells her push I love it She's a good name They're one of my favorite Literally my favorite couple If I was ever going to be like a Like a side husband I'd be in that couple Okay I don't think I could I don't think I would have had as much fun Doing this with anybody else You know That's a lot of people didn't understand Is that we're best friends And so when like I did the podcast with Bill and Tom People started shitting on Tom And I was like, no, no, no, you're blocked now.

[275] I can't, if you don't like me, if you don't like Joey, if you don't like Joe, if you don't like Tom, I don't like you at all, because you don't get me. Because these guys are my friends, and they define my foundation of what I find funny and what I get.

[276] So, like, that was one of the things that got shitty about this is that you'd find people being like, fuck Tom's a girl.

[277] And you're like, no. You're always going to get that, right?

[278] Yeah, people, some people got like, they got the spirit of it wrong, I think, you know, and they were like, that guy's a fucking piece of shit.

[279] And you're like, what?

[280] We're like, we're like, we're doing it.

[281] weight loss me man like what's your problem but some of your fucking videos have been amazing i i love the video you doing when you're playing credence let the midnight special that is a fucking great video you're drinking a cup of coffee and then you get on that treadmill and then the other one when you're showing that you did five fucking hours and 20 minutes on the treadmill yep you ran 22 fucking miles burned off 3 000 how many calories 3 000 i think 300 calories Today I did.

[282] That's the bet that I made, though.

[283] I knew that Burt would do this.

[284] He's crazy.

[285] He's crazy.

[286] This is my take on it.

[287] I knew that you were going to be, like, steady.

[288] I'm like, Tom's not going to slip up.

[289] He's not going to say, fuck it, I need a cheeseburger in the middle of the night.

[290] But Bert might not eat for a month.

[291] Yes.

[292] Like, you might go straight, what the fuck's his name?

[293] The Batman guy?

[294] What's his name?

[295] Christian Baal.

[296] When he was in the machinist?

[297] Yeah, yeah, the machinist.

[298] Oh, my God.

[299] That's the name of my tour.

[300] The machinist.

[301] That's the name of my name.

[302] tour everybody.

[303] Berg Kreiser is the machinist.

[304] Dude, well, you said it to me one night.

[305] Like, you know, you go, you go, stop drinking, stop drinking.

[306] And you go, Tommy looks good, trust me. And then you're like, I don't know, man, you got that crazy thing.

[307] I call it the Mickey Mantle Jean.

[308] It's that guy that can go out, party all fucking night long, get up at eight, get on a field, and hit a fucking walk -off home run.

[309] It's that John Daly gene.

[310] That gene, that Babe Ruth Jean, who eats a hot dog and left field and then catches the fly ball.

[311] That's what I've always admired that in athletes and stars, is those people.

[312] People who can go off tilt, Tiger Woods when he's got the blown out knee in the bad back, and he drains the 90 -foot putt.

[313] That's what I like.

[314] I don't like the fucking Phil Mickelson's Tommy's Phil Mickelson.

[315] Safe drive up the middle, 230 yards.

[316] Looks like he'll hit a five iron.

[317] I'm fucking going for the green every time.

[318] There you go.

[319] And that's the way, like, but it's not healthy.

[320] I've had no joke, no joke.

[321] And anyone that's seen me on the road knows this.

[322] Less than a thousand calories every single day.

[323] I've drinking only vodka sodas, and I've run at least five miles a day.

[324] Every day?

[325] Every day, except for yesterday, I had a thousand collars for dinner.

[326] But now let it, the night before weigh in.

[327] Right?

[328] We know we're weighing in tomorrow.

[329] Guess what he had for dinner?

[330] What?

[331] Pulled pork, collard greens, and what?

[332] Black -eyed peas.

[333] It's a tradition, man. Every New Year's Eve, we do it.

[334] The peas are for luck.

[335] The black eye, the collar greens are for money.

[336] I've done it every year and I've made more money every single year that I've eaten it.

[337] I'm not going to stop.

[338] Here's the other thing, too, man. technically I know going into this I should lose this challenge because I knew I was bigger and I knew that that he could if he wanted to be disciplined I thought he would but I was betting on that he wouldn't be disciplined that's the bet what you you were bigger when it first started when it first started I knew that like physiologically too like I just I think I have said a little bit more of a disadvantage you know what he's saying Joe is when he started fat shaming me he was fatter than me. Here's something about that term.

[339] You've said that that term you think is a good term.

[340] I mean, I just said that personally, for me, fat shaming, like, worked.

[341] Well, I just feel like that, like, when somebody, it's more like just being honest.

[342] It's, like, not in denial.

[343] When somebody goes like, hey, man, you need to lose some weight.

[344] And someone's like, that's fat shaming.

[345] I go, well, yeah, I think it's just someone being honest.

[346] I think that's a bullshit term.

[347] I really do.

[348] That fat shaming.

[349] I mean, it only works if you're fat.

[350] If you're fat, you should lose weight.

[351] But that's what I'm saying.

[352] Yeah.

[353] I have a weird push and pull with it because there was a period where I didn't like it.

[354] I didn't like, I empathized with, I'll just say Amy because she's the one that gets fat shamed the most.

[355] Her and Kesha are the two most fat -shamed people in the country.

[356] Who's Kesha?

[357] One of the best rock stars ever.

[358] She's the best.

[359] What the fuck did you?

[360] She's one of the best rock stars ever.

[361] What the fuck did you say?

[362] One of the best rock stars ever.

[363] Shut up.

[364] Dude, Kesha, Dai Young, is one of the best song.

[365] ever?

[366] Well, she's more than a pop star.

[367] I mean, get out of here.

[368] Are we canceled yet?

[369] Anywho, is this over?

[370] Anywho.

[371] You've dehydrated your fucking brain to the point where it's misfiring.

[372] Keshah is...

[373] Eat a nice cube.

[374] I'm waiting for fucking weigh -ins.

[375] I'm going to hydrate.

[376] It's going to happen soon.

[377] It's going to happen soon.

[378] So, uh, hey.

[379] So Keshah and Amy are getting fat -chamed, and I would read their comments because I was going through something similar.

[380] Not similar because I think most of mine were in fun.

[381] But man, they say some mean shit to Amy and Keshah where you just like, why say that?

[382] And then I'd get some of those and I go, hey, yeah, there is a point where, like, one morning you wake up, you're not in the best mood and you check your Instagram comments and you're like, oh, fuck, this is not the way I want to start my day.

[383] However, I will say, had it not been for the fat shaming, I wouldn't have lost, I'm going to guess I've probably lost 30 pounds.

[384] You do definitely look better and feel better, right?

[385] Dude, wait till I take off these layers.

[386] I look, so I feel so much better.

[387] I feel, I, dude, I jogged eight miles to day.

[388] Like, I just, like, that wasn't happening when I was 250.

[389] On Thanksgiving?

[390] You go outside?

[391] No, I'm on my treadmill.

[392] Everything's on my treadmill.

[393] I get in.

[394] I watch one of those Rock's workout videos and get inspired.

[395] The Rock?

[396] Dude, his workout videos are fucking awesome.

[397] Do you not follow him on Instagram?

[398] He's the best.

[399] Dude, when he hit me up, do you, does anyone remember the most beautiful day of my life?

[400] I post, I work out in the Rock shirt.

[401] I always have the rock shirt on.

[402] Which one?

[403] The Bull?

[404] No, it's the Under Armour shirt?

[405] No, they're not out yet.

[406] They're coming out soon, and I'm getting all of them.

[407] Oh, Jesus.

[408] You have a I have a man crush on the rock But also It's a part of this thing It's finding inspiration to work out That Creedence Clearwater thing That's real That's what I do I play that It's great god damn And then you get on the thing And you're like Fuck it, let's just start running Let the midnight special Shine a light on me The Rock Anyway I would wear his shirt And I would do videos For the Rock to see And in the process I'd work out I'd work out Because I'd want the Rock to see And then he saw one And he was like I made a video where I made a line I was like you know this is the last line is I go today I'm doing two a days for those of you who didn't play football in high school two of days or for those you who didn't get pussy back in high school two of those badasses did to put hair on our balls and the rock loved it and he goes that two a days line had me rolling and then he goes team bert I lost my shit but then I called him I go you never got you never did two a days and he goes I know I played baseball it's been the fucking funnest have you guys seen Andrew Santi He knows bit about The Rock.

[409] No, that's who it is.

[410] I was trying to tell somebody that I heard about somebody who has an awesome bit.

[411] It's fucking hilarious.

[412] Really?

[413] It's hilarious.

[414] I want to see it now.

[415] I don't want to say any of it.

[416] I just, Andrew Santino came up on my podcast last week, oddly enough.

[417] He's got red hair?

[418] Yes.

[419] Yeah.

[420] I got him on my podcast.

[421] I want to see that bit.

[422] I got Joey on my podcast tonight.

[423] Good luck staying sober.

[424] Wayans are going to be tough tomorrow.

[425] Oh, yeah.

[426] He was on the podcast yesterday.

[427] He was on the podcast yesterday.

[428] We did a UFC fight recap with Joey.

[429] He's the best.

[430] He was at my house.

[431] for fucking Christmas Eve destroying my dad did you see the video I put it on Did he give your dad an edible?

[432] He says he did It's undisclosed Because my dad passed out Hard as fuck And Joey just walked out Goes I dose Mr. K And left Did he do it before though Didn't he give him some popcorn Before?

[433] Yeah he gave a popcorn one time At Easter Thomas here The video is so funny Of Christmas Day With Joey And Mr. Kreischer Smoking and laughing And trying to stop laughing He's, like, turn to people like, I don't know what to do.

[434] Like, he's just laughing so fucking hard.

[435] I robbed this fucking Puerto Rican.

[436] And my dad's a lawyer.

[437] My dad's going, Joey, Joey.

[438] My dad loves Joey.

[439] Literally, I called Joey, like, day before Christmas Eve.

[440] I was like, you're coming over, right?

[441] And he's like, this is what I love about Joey.

[442] It's no fucking bullshit.

[443] He goes, what time?

[444] Five o 'clock.

[445] See you then, cock sucker.

[446] Click.

[447] And his daughter is, like, the perfect age for my daughters to feel like they're doing something good.

[448] So they chase her around the whole time.

[449] horrible.

[450] But you guys are like real close to each other, right?

[451] When we started getting broken in by homeless people.

[452] Let's play this.

[453] German Shepherd up there.

[454] Real, his name was Killer.

[455] That was his fucking name.

[456] A nice little fire pit, dude.

[457] And one day, Killer was fucking around with ham and food.

[458] And I'm a kid.

[459] I don't know what the fuck.

[460] He's throwing ham up in the air.

[461] I think up the ham.

[462] And that motherfucker.

[463] What are you going to do that?

[464] Throw over the egg.

[465] What you were saying?

[466] You just say that homeless people broke.

[467] in your house?

[468] Yeah, yeah.

[469] He took a chunk out of my face.

[470] That was number one.

[471] That's about a month or two later.

[472] I'm about to the 48th Street.

[473] It's all the way.

[474] I got my godfather's house.

[475] I would go there during the week when I had no school and play with the kids.

[476] She had a nice neighborhood.

[477] The kids were fucking crazy.

[478] This is what Joey does every Christmas Eve.

[479] He holds court.

[480] Yeah.

[481] Yeah, you told me that story that someone was walking down your driveway.

[482] Yeah.

[483] Yeah, some homeless person.

[484] We had two experiences.

[485] Because of the construction?

[486] Because of the construction.

[487] And Joey's the kind of guy.

[488] And this is just, the thing he doesn't say, the thing is just, dog, I drive by your house every night home.

[489] I drive by just check to make sure everything's okay.

[490] Every fucking night when he's coming home from the store, just drives by my house.

[491] He's a great guy, man. He's the fucking greatest, man. He really is.

[492] Should we weigh in?

[493] Let's weigh in.

[494] Let's do the stakes first.

[495] Let's do the stakes.

[496] Now, you started out at what wait?

[497] Well, wait, before you started, you started in August, right?

[498] Yeah.

[499] What were you at your heaviest?

[500] 267.

[501] Holy shit, dude.

[502] Yeah.

[503] You were closing it on three.

[504] Holy shit.

[505] You were 267?

[506] Yeah.

[507] How'd you feel?

[508] Not good, man. I mean, I didn't, I can't say that I woke up and like, oh, I feel it.

[509] But I was, you know, I was still, here's the thing.

[510] At my heaviest, I would still lift weights a couple times a week.

[511] I still would, I would still do squats, still do power cleans.

[512] But I was just eating recklessly, like whatever I wanted at the meal.

[513] I went to dinner at his house.

[514] I went to dinner at his house.

[515] Me and Leanne is at their old house.

[516] Yeah.

[517] And it was right after they had the baby.

[518] And Tom cooked us, each a steak, like a full rib -eye.

[519] And then we each got, like, nine shrimps.

[520] And then we each got a slab of potatoes.

[521] And then we got a whole stack of greens.

[522] And we didn't eat it all.

[523] And Tom ate it all.

[524] And he's like, you didn't like yours?

[525] And we're like, no, it's a meal for like three people.

[526] Yeah, I would be like that every day, you know?

[527] Wow.

[528] I mean, that's how you get to.

[529] So I just felt like, you know.

[530] And then honestly, like, clothes, too.

[531] It's so something you don't think about.

[532] But you'd be like, oh, I want to get to.

[533] this shirt and you put it on you're like do you have a bigger shirt and they're like we don't make bigger than that that's the biggest and i was like to go to his gap and you're like do you guys have 40s and they're like we don't make 40s and you're like oh so i got to shop at a different store now yeah like i this is something i think there's been in the base of every this is i also did a showtime special shirtless during this entire fat shaming campaign which did not help but you do every show shirtless but part of the you know not to like to dis deflect or whatever But part of the reason I started doing a shirtless, I didn't look good in collared shirts.

[534] And, like, I couldn't wear a T -shirt.

[535] And so I just, I just came on stage and ripped my shirt off and I was a little fat.

[536] I was like $2 .50, 260, I was like $2 .60.

[537] And people just thought it was funny and I just leave it off.

[538] And then when, like, this weekend I took my shirt off and I'm not skinny by any stretch of the means, but I'm not 260 anymore, 250.

[539] And it did not get just was flatlined.

[540] And I was like, okay, looks like the shirt's going back on for now on.

[541] Yeah.

[542] The machinist is wearing shirts.

[543] The machinist is going to wear a shirt.

[544] The machinist is the new bird.

[545] So wait, so 267, and then on our challenge day, I would say I was 245, right?

[546] So, wow, so you had already dropped.

[547] Like 20 pounds.

[548] And what did you start at?

[549] On our challenge day, I said, I just said I was 245 thinking that it wouldn't turn into a bat.

[550] And you said 240.

[551] I said 240.

[552] Look at this.

[553] The machinist.

[554] But on our, when I got home, the day after, when I got home.

[555] You called me, you go, I was actually 250.

[556] I was 250 the day when I started.

[557] And then I was 256 when I started the diet.

[558] The day I started the night was Thanksgiving, 256.

[559] And that's the probably, that's the highest I weighed in ever that I saw myself on a scale is 256.

[560] And so the goal weight was around like 225?

[561] 27.

[562] 227 meant the deal was this, whoever is the lowest weight win, is technically the winner.

[563] But if we're both 227 or under, then the burden of paying for things is supposed to go to Ari.

[564] Oh, so if you, ooh, I like that.

[565] Yeah.

[566] So does Ari pay for both trips?

[567] Yes.

[568] Well, no, no. We'd pick one trip.

[569] We pick one trip, but Ari pays for the tickets to the trip.

[570] So, but how do you choose a trip?

[571] Because if you win, you're going to Super Bowl.

[572] Well, I'll go to, oddly enough, I'm in Europe when Tom's talking about that game.

[573] So I'd go to that game in a heartbeat.

[574] Oh, let's explain that.

[575] If you win, if I won, I wanted him to take me to Barcelona as playing Paris -Nat -Germain round of 16 European Cup game.

[576] so we would go to Paris and you told me initially that you wanted to go to Super Bowl so I thought it was a series Yeah I'd go to Paris so I'm going to be in London What filming or no no Just taking the girls Oh awesome I make a lot of money so I can't say that to either of you too You cocks lecker So Ari will pay for that He'll fly you guys to Paris I'm gonna be there I just need the ticket Yeah You shouldn't tell them I need the flight.

[577] Yeah, you need the flight.

[578] Now, the thing is, will he meet us?

[579] Meals, too.

[580] I say meals.

[581] Because he's off the grid.

[582] Is he going to come meet us?

[583] Yeah, why not?

[584] You won't even know.

[585] How are you going to get in touch with them?

[586] I don't know.

[587] He probably doesn't have a phone anymore.

[588] It was based on our BMI.

[589] So when we gave him our original BMI versus our height, it was we were obese.

[590] And he said, I bet you can't get into just simply overweight.

[591] Yeah.

[592] And simply overweight, the threshold is 227.

[593] So if we got under 227, both of us.

[594] But if one of us today does not get under 227, then that person has to pay for the trip.

[595] Yeah.

[596] How does that work that?

[597] body mass index because you were checking your body fat or is it just a height to weight yeah it's height to wait and it's super outdated and they actually updated there's a newer version called the smart BMI which took into account also the fact that more people are just even bigger like you're obese I guarantee you're obese by the Obeam yeah I'm overweight by the BMI but by the smart BMI somewhere in my background someone someone fucked a monkey yeah someone someone in my great grandpa's day someone fucked a gorilla something happened and so that became the bet and if we get into just being overweight which i think i think personally looking at him and looking at i'm feeling knowing me i did not weigh in today because i was scared um but uh i think i think i'm there i think i was there before i know i was there before yesterday morning and then i worked out pretty hard last night and this morning but i didn't want to get on the scale because i didn't want to come in let down if i wasn't okay so first of all let's do rock paper scissors see who goes first okay so you two okay ready yeah one two three what are you doing I didn't know what you were doing.

[598] Let me do it.

[599] I'll do the count.

[600] I'll do the count.

[601] You guys get your hands up.

[602] One, two, three.

[603] Gotcha.

[604] Okay.

[605] Burt won that one.

[606] One, two, three.

[607] Okay.

[608] Even one, two, three.

[609] Gotcha.

[610] Burt wins.

[611] So would you like to go first?

[612] Would you like Tom to go first?

[613] I'd like to weigh in first.

[614] Okay.

[615] I'm so fucking thirsty.

[616] Okay.

[617] So we're going to move over to Tom's microphone over there.

[618] Excuse me. Do you have a wide shot?

[619] Yeah, we can get the whole room.

[620] We're gonna use that camera up here.

[621] I'm dizzy.

[622] So we'll be using that camera up here.

[623] There we go.

[624] Am I in the shot?

[625] Are we doing this on carpet?

[626] Take your clothes off, first of all.

[627] You definitely want to take your clothes off.

[628] Do we can calibrate this?

[629] Well, I know it works.

[630] Hold on.

[631] Like I know, but let's make sure we know if it's exactly right, because it may not be like mine scale at home.

[632] I'm always around 200 pounds.

[633] 201.

[634] So I'm 201 with my clothes on, which is like 1909.

[635] He's got a rubber suit on the whole deal.

[636] Oh, okay.

[637] Can you see it?

[638] A lot of layers on, dude.

[639] The lights up at a little.

[640] Okay.

[641] So for folks that are just listening here, we're in the studio here, and Jamie is setting up the camera for YouTube.

[642] So that it will point directly down at the scale.

[643] Burt is looking considerably slimmer.

[644] Considerably slimmer.

[645] He's got multiple layers on, and now he's down to underwear, which are probably, wet he took the first layer of underwear off socks uh drum roll ladies and gentlemen bum bum bum bum bum bum bum he's drying himself off like a wrestling tournament Jesus Christ okay here we go below 227 everybody here we go bird Chrysor call it out Joe 221 holy shit holy shit oh no No, but it's right.

[646] I checked my own weight.

[647] It's right.

[648] This is what I use at home, too.

[649] But we can.

[650] We can check.

[651] That was 21 .6, right?

[652] 35?

[653] Yeah, 34 .6.

[654] Yeah, that's it.

[655] 221, Tommy.

[656] 221, ladies and gentlemen.

[657] Holy shit.

[658] Holy shit.

[659] Joe, my prediction was Tommy wasn't going to take his shirt off for weigh -ins.

[660] He's got to now.

[661] That shirt is some precious ounces.

[662] 221.

[663] My man went hard.

[664] Fuck, yes.

[665] Dude, he's taking his watch off.

[666] Oh, I have my watch on.

[667] That's probably at least a few ounces.

[668] That's a good watch.

[669] It's a beautiful watch, by the way.

[670] I'm going to make a drink.

[671] Oh, he's going to drink while it's going on.

[672] Oh, my goodness.

[673] This is chaos.

[674] Here we go.

[675] Tommy looking very slim, too.

[676] Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

[677] Two fucking 19.

[678] To 9.

[679] Holy shit.

[680] Holy shit.

[681] Holy shit.

[682] I'm gonna go here.

[683] Holy shit!

[684] Shut up!

[685] Wow!

[686] First of all, God damn.

[687] Congratulations to the both of you.

[688] Fuck.

[689] That is...

[690] That's gigantic.

[691] I'm so thirsty.

[692] It's ridiculous.

[693] We got some coconut water if you want to get some electrolytes in you.

[694] Holy shit.

[695] You guys want a coconut water?

[696] No, no, I'm good.

[697] God, do you want a coconut water?

[698] Are there calories in this?

[699] No, no, no. It's stevia.

[700] It's called zivia.

[701] It's like a soda.

[702] Wow So those extra pounds Like whatever You know You didn't drink water That's all made up for it God damn So we got to do this all again together tomorrow Of weight What happens tomorrow Let's say tomorrow That's a good question Well first of all We have one victory Well here Hmm man Let's sit down Let's sit down Okay we got this out of the way Oh my God I'm so thirsty Wow Very impressive Tommy you went from To you say 267 267 down to 219 Holy shit that's amazing You could see it in your face too Jesus You know well That video that I took a still of it And I put it up on Instagram today Yeah But that one video I was looking at your face I'm like Jesus You look so fucking healthy Thanks man He's busted open his food What do you got there?

[703] Some chicken Little pieces of dried chicken And fucking broccoli and stuff I just can't eat today I just can have fluids today And then fucking go to Berkeley And just sweat it out Are you thinking, Bert, about that pulled pork and black eyed peas and all that jazz you ate and you think that might have fucked you?

[704] I don't know.

[705] I think I'm fucking shocked.

[706] I'm 21 to be dead on.

[707] That's amazing.

[708] That's amazing.

[709] It's amazing.

[710] You both look great.

[711] You really do.

[712] Your faces.

[713] Like, you look like two different people.

[714] I know.

[715] It is weird.

[716] When I saw him, we were at All Things Comedy the other day, and I walked up behind him, and I didn't recognize him.

[717] Wow.

[718] I go, you went from the little cuddly, chubby, chubby.

[719] friend I have where we giggle to this dude who looks like he videotapes himself fucking but you guys are like you're you're Bert you're like real close to getting down to 200 pounds dude considering I did this in like 30 days you could you both could be 200 pounds yeah I well the thing is you know I don't want to like I haven't changed my lifestyle at all technically like I've changed the way I eat I eat so fucking clean right now like literally except for last night i've only had lean proteins and greens for every meal i do big fucking the you're the uh hulk com shakes yeah hulk loads hook i call it hook com i do i do those shakes like once a day and i'm i'm under a thousand calories my wife what's upsetting her she's like how do we transition this into a healthy lifestyle which is fine i think once you get she's right yeah and it's like i can't continue this no like i had to push back a cardiologist appointment i was like i don't want them to see me like this like I'll wait until I get healthy again you know yeah it's this is not entirely healthy to just drain yourself and dehydrate yourself like please you're drinking so much funny like you're like a dog that just got back from the park you know what's crazy is it I understand I watched Chris Cyborgs breaking like weight loss thing did you see that yeah it's horrible and I watched it and I thought if I can have half that intensity that whole time I watched it at the very beginning of weight loss I said if I can have half her intensity in that moment What did she do?

[720] Oh, dude.

[721] She's crying.

[722] It's awful.

[723] To make weight?

[724] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[725] And her body's apparently really fucked up from it.

[726] She just got, she just pissed hot for some sort of, well, it's really difficult to say exactly what's going on because what she took was something called spirono lactane, which is illegal in USADA.

[727] You're not allowed to take it.

[728] But her doctor, she says, told her she could take it out of competition.

[729] She passed on a bunch of title fights, though.

[730] and the UFC was concerned so they tested her and apparently people take that it's a diuretic and what she was saying was that her body's all fucked up and hang on to water now and then she's taking this just to try to lever herself out because draining herself down to 140 was so bad for her that her whole system's all fucked up the controversy is though that that same drug is also taken by people who are women who do steroids to mimic to minimize the effects of testosterone Osterone.

[731] Okay.

[732] So we don't really know.

[733] I mean, it's their word.

[734] It's, who knows, who knows, but.

[735] It's amazing what you watch, what you watch when you're, when you're focusing on getting in shape.

[736] The other thing I watch is this guy, Rich Froning.

[737] Do you know who that is?

[738] Oh, yeah, the CrossFit champ.

[739] Yeah.

[740] Dude, he is like, he's a borderline sociopath.

[741] Like, the way he focuses on workout and working out, it's just like, he's almost dead inside.

[742] There's no enjoyment to it.

[743] It's almost like an obsession.

[744] So I started looking at it like that.

[745] Like, it's, don't like, don't enjoy jogging.

[746] Just make an obsession.

[747] Like, my thing was I get on the treadmill and go, just one more mile just do one more mile everyone would do one more mile like this morning I was like I was like maybe one maybe if you're on this mile at a seven maybe that'll make the difference today and I just would get obsessive about it That's what uh If I have some little things in my body If I touch that I'd fucking explode I'm gonna go I'm gonna go ice skating tonight Oh yeah With my daughters For a little exercise I'm looking at it that way I'm gonna look at it's fun I look at his burning calories Wow Now how are we gonna do this in terms of tomorrow because you guys are real close yeah so you are 219 you're 221 we're only talking about a couple of pounds so those couple of pounds what if one of you loses more than that tomorrow but like what if bert gets down to like 206 tomorrow or something ridiculous I don't know what do we do that's a good question we average out the two weights well if we average out the two weights it's whoever loses the most overall or is it because otherwise we're just going to have a draw or a victory right like if you if you win again tomorrow it's easy right because you won today yeah but if bert wins tomorrow but what if he wins tomorrow by the exact same amount you know what you're talking about like total weight loss or just whoever's lighter we're just saying they're like what if tomorrow we come in and you weigh two pounds less than me tomorrow right but then like we each won one day so you were 221 you're 219 correct okay so we're we're really only dealing with two pounds.

[748] That's so negligible.

[749] I mean, that's, that's a few of these.

[750] Yeah.

[751] I mean, you can, you can suck that out of your body.

[752] Yeah.

[753] That can be done.

[754] So, the question is, how do you, like, what if tomorrow Bert wins, but he only wins by half a pound?

[755] Right.

[756] Do you win?

[757] So I have to win by three pounds?

[758] Well, that's what I'm trying to, we're trying to figure out.

[759] Like, how can you?

[760] I may as well shave my beard right now.

[761] So I can get the regrow started already.

[762] Wow, this is, it gets kind of dangerous Because you guys are gonna You guys gonna hit that Freakish D?

[763] Are you guys taking anything?

[764] Take any diuretics or anything?

[765] No, I haven't even started yet.

[766] I'd recommend it.

[767] That's what I would say.

[768] I was your friend?

[769] Diarretics?

[770] I would say.

[771] Do they happen at the CVS?

[772] Oh yeah.

[773] Really?

[774] What happens?

[775] Shit, your brains out.

[776] Piss like a fucking race horse.

[777] I haven't shit in like three days because I'm not taking any calories in.

[778] Man, this is this is where I get squirrely because you guys are on the wire.

[779] I mean, clearly Tom won, but he only won by two pounds.

[780] Yeah.

[781] That's the wire.

[782] I can't believe that because I thought you'd win.

[783] I thought I'd wait 227 today.

[784] Yeah, that's the thing.

[785] He comes in.

[786] He's like, I think I'm 227.

[787] I was like, oh, Jesus, okay.

[788] 221.

[789] That's marathons.

[790] Run to marathons.

[791] Wow, yeah.

[792] You've been literally doing marathons.

[793] Yeah, I don't do them all at once.

[794] I break it up during the day, so I get up at like six, have a cup of coffee, walk in like a 3 .5, walk a mile in like 17 minutes.

[795] And then sit down with the computer, see if I'm trending, and see what, what you see in my Facebook, how many views on my Facebook video.

[796] And then get back on and then I'll run, I'll run like two miles, then go fuck around with the girls, come back, get on.

[797] That's the way I do it.

[798] I break it up.

[799] So like right now I got eight miles on the treadmill.

[800] I'll do a podcast with Joey tonight, get back on the treadmill, bang out another eight, and I was 16 miles today.

[801] Wow.

[802] I know.

[803] You walked and running combination?

[804] A mix.

[805] What I like to do, my favorite thing to do is I walk 100 yards on the treadmill, and then I run.

[806] 300 yards so like I'll run at like 7 .5 over 200 over half of the lap around the circle so that the other day when you post that video and it was five hours like yeah was that broken up or through the day starting at 6 a .m. ending at like probably probably nine at night like yesterday I ran three miles first thing in the morning then went to the Rams game put on two pull porks on the green big green egg went to the Rams game it cooked at 300 degrees perfectly for five hours thank you Eric cruising when you put it on the big green egg how do you keep the temperature stable for that long you regulate it with the pipe up top and the bottom and you just put fill it with charcoal's and once you get it to like 225 if you got it regulated it's not going to go much higher because it's not getting much air in and then slowly the charcoal's a burn and then it just cooks you don't open it it it just cooks if you open it all the way it's going to get way high it gets way like 700 degrees yeah i got one of those i have a comado but it's basically the same thing yeah have you ever tried it with one of those pellet grills though i got uh i wish i remember his name right now green mountain green mountain green What's his name?

[807] Brett, Brett, Brett.

[808] I love my Green Mountain grill.

[809] I just got a new pellet.

[810] So that thing's fucking better than anything.

[811] You put it in there and you're like, 225, five hours, perfect.

[812] Yeah, it stays at that temperature.

[813] What kind of grill is it?

[814] It's a pellet grill.

[815] What they do is they take, you know, when you go, God the fuck's wrong my voice there.

[816] You know, if you go to lumber yard, they cut up hardwood, the sawdust from the hardwood, the sawdust from the hardwood, they take that stuff and they compress it.

[817] And the natural sugars in the wood allows them to compresses.

[818] press it down to what looks like, it looks like cereal or kitty litter or something, like little tiny like cylinders, little small cylinders.

[819] And they take that and you pour it into this hopper.

[820] So it's this like large bin.

[821] And then there's a worm drive at the bottom that slowly turns this stuff into a heating element.

[822] And the heating element is inside the chamber of this big steel box.

[823] And the heating element, there it is.

[824] You see it there.

[825] Those are the pellets.

[826] So those are hardwood pellets.

[827] There's no glue in them.

[828] There's no nothing.

[829] It's just the natural.

[830] sugars from the wood and when you use the machine when you close that lid there you get to see it there um you can regulate the temperature and it keeps it exactly at that temperature as long and that that popper that'll last for you know fucking 10 12 hours really yeah especially it's amazing yeah they're incredible and how how can it can it go full 600 well i have one that is a it's a It's like a really good one.

[831] It's like made out of cast iron.

[832] It's real fucking heavy.

[833] Yoder makes these amazing smokers.

[834] And mine has a direct heating option where you take out that big diffusion plate and you put in these grill grates and it has direct fire that goes right underneath the grill grates.

[835] I see your steaks on it and I cook elk on it all the time.

[836] It's the best.

[837] It's amazing.

[838] It really is.

[839] And you get that like smoky flavor to it too because it's cooking with fire.

[840] Yeah.

[841] It's wood and fire.

[842] It's got a beautiful flavor to the food.

[843] If you don't want to, what I do sometimes, my daughters don't like smoked food, is I'll wrap some ribs up in tinfoil and put them in there, and they still cook.

[844] Like an oven.

[845] Yeah, it's an oven.

[846] It still cooks at 2 .25, and then you smoke two other racks.

[847] Dude, it's fucking amazing.

[848] Yeah, it's like you're cooking with an oven, but it's all fire.

[849] Yeah.

[850] And instead of, you know, gas heat or whatever the hell, electric heat.

[851] I love it, man. So why did you, why did you use the Green Mountain Grill instead of the, Or why'd you use the big green egg Instead of the Green Mountain grill I wanted to see if I could use it I just got it My dad got it for me for Christmas And Because I like the ritual of cooking Like I like the ritual of like Starting up charcoal and Yeah You know And then getting it into it And then so So yesterday I ran three miles Through it put on these two Boston butts Bone in Boston butts And then closed it And it's made things fun I'm sitting at the fucking Rams game Going going like I wonder if the grill's too hot Like shit Did I fuck it?

[852] It's like makes it It's like betting on a game.

[853] By the way, went to the Rams game yesterday.

[854] I told Tommy with a jersey that had the machine written on the back of it.

[855] Oh, God.

[856] I've never been recognized more in my fucking life.

[857] I mean, dudes were coming down to my seat going, hey, can I get a picture?

[858] Because I just said it's on the back of my shirt.

[859] It was a gift from my management company.

[860] And it's a Rams jersey.

[861] I was like, I'll fucking wear it.

[862] As soon as I walked in the stadium, big dude goes, the machine.

[863] The machine.

[864] And then I turn around.

[865] He goes, oh shit, it's the machine!

[866] And I was like, he just thought it was some guy with a dude with the machine on the back.

[867] So he's like, the machine!

[868] And I turned around.

[869] He's like, my daughters are like, dad, fucking stop it.

[870] Yeah, that must be embarrassing for the kids.

[871] Have you ever thought about getting one of them offset smokers where you throw logs in there?

[872] Like those old school Texas style ones?

[873] Yeah.

[874] Yeah, me too.

[875] Put it in the back corner by the chickens and just have like a big, like oil can.

[876] Yeah.

[877] They just open up.

[878] I love one of those.

[879] Yeah, those seem, like, that's the real ritual, right?

[880] Yeah.

[881] You know, I had a barrel grill, you know, where, like, you have to take off the grades after, like, while you're cooking to keep adding coal and wood chips to it, you know.

[882] Oh, old school.

[883] Old school, yeah.

[884] Yeah, there's something about, do women appreciate that?

[885] Is that a male thing?

[886] I think, I like working with fire.

[887] Yeah.

[888] So, yeah, I don't know men.

[889] You don't see a whole lot of women grilling.

[890] No, not a lot.

[891] I'm sure there definitely are.

[892] Of sure.

[893] But it's not like they can't do it.

[894] But I don't see a lot.

[895] What the hell is that?

[896] Like what women like to cook.

[897] Yeah.

[898] But men want to cook outside over fire.

[899] Yeah.

[900] I think it's primal.

[901] Yeah.

[902] I cooked up.

[903] You gave me that elk last time.

[904] Yeah, more if you want it.

[905] Yeah, I do.

[906] Save it for tomorrow, though.

[907] I cook it up and I'm getting pizzas delivered here tomorrow.

[908] Are you?

[909] Fuck, yeah.

[910] We're getting fucked up tomorrow.

[911] After weigh -ins, if I don't have a beard, I will be drinking vodka and I'll be making him drink vodka.

[912] So we bring a razor?

[913] We should.

[914] Yeah.

[915] Where the fuck's Dollar Shave Club when you need them?

[916] They're one of my sponsors.

[917] I'll bring a razor.

[918] But you're going to need an electric one.

[919] Why are you looking at me?

[920] Well, you lost today.

[921] I'll bring, I'll bring a...

[922] I got clipper.

[923] You can shave me, but we're using my clippers.

[924] Why am I already giving up?

[925] By the way, I'll shave you.

[926] Okay.

[927] But what you would have...

[928] We have to figure out how you can win.

[929] I thought he's just person that is the lowest.

[930] Well, he won today.

[931] It's a two -day way in.

[932] so he won today so if you get lower tomorrow you would have to get lower than two pounds lower holy shit because it has to be it has to be a victory overall right I mean what don't you agree I don't know we should let people weigh in on the on Twitter don't do that no don't do that you can't you tell them there's too many people on pro stack let's call Ari let's call Ari let's call Ari basement with their dick in their hand typing with one hand they're not paying attention call Ari just texted me well at this point good luck on the way in I hope you're not fatter.

[933] Too late.

[934] Yeah, I was going to say, at this point, he's already paying for stuff.

[935] Yeah.

[936] Oh, yeah.

[937] Yeah, I'm not gaining eight pounds tomorrow.

[938] Yeah.

[939] Right now he's trying to figure out how to unflip his phone.

[940] He's still committed to that flip phone.

[941] I can't believe it.

[942] It's a flip phone and mumbling.

[943] He sent me in.

[944] I know he talks to he's got a mouth full of fucking shoelaces.

[945] Ari.

[946] Hey How high is he right now?

[947] Ari That's his outgoing Where are you?

[948] He's in a middle talking to someone else And he answers the front Don't hang up No no no He'll get to you eventually You got to understand Ari I can't believe his human we're friends with Hold on I'll do it there It's ridiculous Silly He's the best though I just love what he's done Like very few people Get wealthy And like I've known Ari since he was a he was a doorman at the fucking store.

[949] Yeah.

[950] And he was an open micer when we became friends.

[951] And when he became famous, one of the first things that fucking guy did was abandon all fucks.

[952] Yeah.

[953] He doesn't have any.

[954] None to give.

[955] He's got zero.

[956] Yeah.

[957] I mean, zero.

[958] It's pretty awesome.

[959] Can you hear me?

[960] Is he a airplane?

[961] Ari.

[962] Hey, so it turns out, Bruce is stealing?

[963] He's a bunch of money.

[964] Yes, we know, I'll bring it from that.

[965] He put him so.

[966] He'll get to this.

[967] Hold on.

[968] He got to turn out of Lewis is stealing, so you get to the back.

[969] Is that his outgoing voice, man?

[970] No. No, no, no. He sounded the same.

[971] He answered the phone.

[972] Not totally.

[973] No?

[974] Oh, he's in the middle of a podcast.

[975] He's in the middle of, it sounds like Legion of Scanks.

[976] He's in a Skanks podcast.

[977] Hey, Ari, can you hear me?

[978] Ari, do you hear me?

[979] Ari.

[980] Louis is stealing.

[981] Hmm.

[982] But he's answering the phone, which is weird.

[983] This might be...

[984] An outgoing message.

[985] Yeah.

[986] Let's call him again.

[987] Let's see if it's his outgoing message.

[988] Mm -hmm.

[989] He just texted me. What did he say?

[990] Fuck yourself.

[991] Good luck today.

[992] I've been hoping you win since day one.

[993] That's the same message you sent to Tom.

[994] Yeah, it is.

[995] What a dick.

[996] That's hilarious.

[997] What a dick.

[998] Let's see if it's the same exact message.

[999] because if it is then how funny would that be that's his outgoing message It's terrible I came in the middle of a conversation Just to confuse people People used to do that Remember?

[1000] Yeah They used to have like I still fall for those Hey man Give me one second Yeah Let me get the Deep Please leave your message No That's not his outgoing message That's not his outgoing message Wow Fuck them let's keep calling them Fluids never tastes Better in my entire fucking life I don't know how these Professional fighters do it They get paid.

[1001] Oh, yeah.

[1002] And they're savages.

[1003] Yeah.

[1004] It's not easy, man. Hey, you're alive.

[1005] Hey, you're alive.

[1006] So, Burke Kreischer, 21, Tom Seguerah, 219.

[1007] Yeah, we're on the air right now.

[1008] 221.

[1009] 221, like a fucking gangster, and then Tom gets on it.

[1010] 219.

[1011] They're both below obese, so you have to pay for their trip, you fuck.

[1012] How do you feel about that?

[1013] Yeah, no way, yeah.

[1014] You got to measure the heights.

[1015] You need the same scale.

[1016] No, no, no, it's my scale.

[1017] It's my scale, and we put weights on it.

[1018] You need their heights.

[1019] You need their heights.

[1020] They're both six -one.

[1021] They're both six -one.

[1022] We're the same height.

[1023] No, he's not.

[1024] He's six -one.

[1025] Okay.

[1026] No, he was elevators coming out.

[1027] He's like you're in elevators.

[1028] The Jew and you is trying to save some money here.

[1029] Well, let's stand up.

[1030] Stand up, please, Tommy.

[1031] Tommy, stand up.

[1032] Okay, they're going to stand up.

[1033] They're both of them.

[1034] They both have no pants up, by the way.

[1035] Bert looks a little taller.

[1036] Maybe a half an inch tall.

[1037] Well, I don't know.

[1038] Yeah, I would say, but it's hard because your hair is a little flattened up and Tom's a little thinner on top.

[1039] Flatten that out.

[1040] Flatten that the hair down.

[1041] One more time, please.

[1042] Stand up.

[1043] Go back to back.

[1044] Let's take a look at this here.

[1045] Yeah, listen, it's the difference in height is maybe.

[1046] half an inch, maybe a half an inch, Burt might be a half inch taller.

[1047] And Burt, how tall are you?

[1048] I'm 6 '1.

[1049] He's 6 '1, so Tom's probably 6 .5.

[1050] Yeah, they're both under obese, bro.

[1051] You lose.

[1052] We're no. You're out.

[1053] Okay, we'll go into a BMI calculator.

[1054] So here's the question to you.

[1055] Since Tom Segura won today by 2 pounds, we're saying tomorrow Bert has to win by more than 2 pounds if Bert wants to win overall.

[1056] Does that sound correct to you?

[1057] It's the only way...

[1058] No, no, because Tom won by two pounds today.

[1059] So Tom has one victory under his belt.

[1060] If Bert wins by two pounds tomorrow, it's just a draw.

[1061] So he would have to win by more than two pounds because that's the amount of victory that Tom got today.

[1062] I think they...

[1063] Because we want their actual wage.

[1064] So tomorrow's day would be counting for a little more.

[1065] But we could do a draw, which is a tiebreaker.

[1066] Okay, so we added their weight up, 6 '1 and 221 for Bert, and the body mass, the overall body mass index is 29 .2.

[1067] So he's overweight only?

[1068] So he's overweight only, that's not obese.

[1069] Six, okay, let's six, let's just go with six feet.

[1070] He's still going to be overweight.

[1071] I've already done this so many times.

[1072] It's overweight.

[1073] It's overweight.

[1074] We just went with straight six feet without even the half inch.

[1075] And, uh, yeah, it's going to five.

[1076] Yeah, but put me in at 510.

[1077] Put me in, or a 58 rather.

[1078] Wait, who had the lower BMI?

[1079] Tommy did No I'm obese Look at this I'm obese 58 It's ridiculous but that's hilarious At 5 -8 -200 I'm obese And they're not Who's got the lower BMI I got a six -pack Yeah So what do you think Do you think that that's how it should be That Bert has to win By more than two pounds tomorrow Does that seem fair?

[1080] Oh, hang on Maybe let's see who's got the lower BMI Yeah they could No, they can because they're going to rehydrate.

[1081] They definitely could do it two days in a row.

[1082] Who's got the lower BMI, Jamie?

[1083] You do by 0 .1.

[1084] I think he's...

[1085] I think there was a blind way in today, and it wouldn't be fair if you base it on what Burt already knows, because Burt already has a goal now.

[1086] See, today it was all about willpower, and Tom won that.

[1087] It was all about willpower.

[1088] Who's losing the most weight?

[1089] Who comes in the lightest?

[1090] All right, yeah.

[1091] All right, Ari has spoken.

[1092] You're going to have to pay for the trip.

[1093] You understand that, right?

[1094] No, wait.

[1095] Tape measures.

[1096] He's actually...

[1097] Yes.

[1098] No, this is...

[1099] How are you measuring the weight?

[1100] No, no, no. Wait a minute.

[1101] He already...

[1102] But your dad shrunk.

[1103] Old people shrink.

[1104] He already conceded.

[1105] They're not that old.

[1106] They're not old to the point where they're shrinking.

[1107] He's like, my dad said he was six feet, and he was really only 5 '10.

[1108] Because he used to be six feet.

[1109] He was, yeah.

[1110] People shrink.

[1111] Yeah, the goal weight was...

[1112] I was...

[1113] By the way, he can stop right there.

[1114] The goal weight was $2 .27.

[1115] The goal weight was $2 .27, Ari, so you lost.

[1116] We're both well into just overweight.

[1117] Yeah, that was the goal weight.

[1118] Yeah, that was the goal weight.

[1119] Get the tape measure.

[1120] What's the fucking tape measure?

[1121] Okay, listen, to make you happy because you're the one who's going to have to pay, we will measure height, and then we'll measure weight, okay?

[1122] Yeah.

[1123] All right, we got to go.

[1124] Love you, faggot.

[1125] Wow.

[1126] Wow.

[1127] What a cheap piece of shit.

[1128] What a cheap piece of shit, Arias.

[1129] He makes a bet and then Kit.

[1130] What a horrible person.

[1131] And all he's got is money and nothing.

[1132] We have children.

[1133] He doesn't spend money on shit.

[1134] I told Art, and Ari is making fucking bank.

[1135] He's selling out everywhere.

[1136] He's got his shows on its third season.

[1137] He's killing it everywhere.

[1138] And I go, get a nice car.

[1139] Get yourself like a little BMW or an infinity or something.

[1140] Don't listen to his podcast with me and Renazizi.

[1141] Why?

[1142] He can't understand the conversation.

[1143] concept of a fucking mortgage to save his wife.

[1144] He was saying that before the podcast even started.

[1145] That he was getting angry that you have a mortgage.

[1146] He's like, why would you do that?

[1147] Because the whole premise was, we borrowed money against our house to do a renovation, which makes sense.

[1148] You know, your house is worth more than you paid for it.

[1149] So you borrow against that, take out $200 ,000, and you renovate it.

[1150] And then you make your house worth more, but your mortgage is still very small, considering that you've only borrowed a minimal amount of money.

[1151] Right.

[1152] Or he couldn't wrap his head around that.

[1153] No, that's not your money.

[1154] That's their money.

[1155] He yells, too.

[1156] He gets mad and yells.

[1157] Here's what else he's going to do.

[1158] He's going to end up trying to, like, if he does have to pay for it in the cheapest way possible.

[1159] It'll be like.

[1160] But what I don't understand is like he's knowing me forever and I've never worried about money.

[1161] Like I've always just said, just spend it and live.

[1162] You're not here forever.

[1163] Just have a good time.

[1164] Don't go crazy.

[1165] Don't buy a bunch of shit you can't afford.

[1166] But definitely don't think about it.

[1167] The best thing.

[1168] about money the number one thing about money that's the best thing about it is when you make money you don't have to think about it yeah meaning that your bills are paid yeah yeah yeah so i remember when i got my first development deal when uh i was 25 20 somewhere around then and all of a sudden i felt light i felt like i got a check and it was like 100 grand or something like yeah and i was like oh i don't have to feel i'm not thinking about money anymore yeah it was the craziest feeling it was like, I felt lighter.

[1169] I felt like a weight literally had been lifted off my shoulders.

[1170] Like, it actually physically felt like the stress of how my, oh, the fucking, oh, then there's the phone bill.

[1171] Oh, there's the gas bill.

[1172] Oh, there's the rent.

[1173] Oh, there's the car.

[1174] All that shit was gone.

[1175] Yeah, that's an amazing feeling.

[1176] That's the number one good thing about money.

[1177] It's not about like castles and Ferraris and all that bullshit.

[1178] It's about not worrying about it.

[1179] That's the number one thing.

[1180] You make great money.

[1181] You don't have to worry about a fucking.

[1182] fucking mortgage, you're fine.

[1183] Yeah.

[1184] It's stupid.

[1185] He's crazy.

[1186] He just couldn't wrap his head around it, and we tried to make it very simple.

[1187] Pretend you have a backpack.

[1188] Now, I want to say, I'd like to borrow against that backpack, and put stuff in your backpack.

[1189] Now your backpack's more valuable.

[1190] He's like, I don't understand backpacks.

[1191] Like, he doesn't even have a watch.

[1192] Yeah.

[1193] He has to look at his phone or ask somebody if he wants to know what time it is, and his phone was made in the 20s.

[1194] Yeah, that's true, a stupid fucking flip phone.

[1195] He barely knows what time it is.

[1196] I stopped doing much more.

[1197] Yeah, it's like he's eating shoes while he's talking to you.

[1198] He's got a mouthful of like undigestable things.

[1199] He makes a living talking.

[1200] He's a professional orator.

[1201] Yeah, ridiculous.

[1202] He's trying to get out of this.

[1203] You realize that?

[1204] No, I know he's getting out of it.

[1205] I want to see.

[1206] I want to be there when you measure their height.

[1207] You're lying.

[1208] They're lying.

[1209] They're lying.

[1210] I mentioned my dad.

[1211] He said he was six one.

[1212] How about the fact that we both lost it, considerable a fucking amount of weight.

[1213] He's thinking about his money going away.

[1214] What?

[1215] What?

[1216] He's so crazy.

[1217] Way to fucking stereotype it up, right now he's making a suit and some shoes as a tailor.

[1218] He's such a silly boy.

[1219] He's such a silly boy.

[1220] We should make him wear horns to this game.

[1221] I just feel like, I mean, how much would it cost to fly you to Paris?

[1222] Well, that's actually pretty expensive, right?

[1223] Yeah, we're not going, coach.

[1224] Yeah, how are you going to go?

[1225] That is like 25 grand.

[1226] Man, we're overweight.

[1227] We can't five coach?

[1228] Yeah, yeah, you're overweight.

[1229] I'm obese.

[1230] That's what's disturbing.

[1231] That's why they...

[1232] That scale's wrong.

[1233] If you look up...

[1234] If you look up...

[1235] If you look up...

[1236] Smart BMI.

[1237] Have you seen that?

[1238] No. That's the one that they developed a little bit later.

[1239] That's supposed to be a little more, like, you know, progressive in terms of knowing that hitting 200 and more is more along the norm for a lot of, you know, grown, like, I don't know if you would, you won't register the same way you did on that BMI.

[1240] Right.

[1241] It just was, it was developed later.

[1242] So they must, the real way to do it is to check actual body fat.

[1243] Yeah, to get a real test, yeah.

[1244] That's a real body mass. They got this thing at my CrossFit place where they, uh, where you can, you bring in like a tank water and you sit in tank water.

[1245] That's how you really are supposed to do it.

[1246] That's the real shit.

[1247] And then it tells you like how many calories you burn in the day, how many shoes, You need to burn.

[1248] They do that with a combine.

[1249] Like, they get people's body masks.

[1250] I'd love that.

[1251] If anyone's listening, Tom and I will totally go to a combine and do a combine.

[1252] That's the other thing.

[1253] We wanted to do a show, Burt versus Ari versus Tom.

[1254] Yeah.

[1255] Where the three of us make bets against each other and just outrageous bets.

[1256] Because let's be fucking honest.

[1257] In one month, we've lost a considerable amount of weight.

[1258] If you had a time lapse of that, if you had just a show shooting that, it would be fun.

[1259] And just the callout videos we've been doing to each other.

[1260] They've been fucking hilarious.

[1261] So you've lost at least.

[1262] He's like probably 35 pounds.

[1263] Does that make sense?

[1264] Yeah.

[1265] In a month?

[1266] In a month.

[1267] That's crazy.

[1268] And you've lost probably, what did you think you were a month ago?

[1269] Because you've been more steady, right?

[1270] I've been more steady.

[1271] Yeah, I mean.

[1272] He's called up one day and he goes, this isn't fun, man. He's like, this isn't a good idea.

[1273] Like, this isn't healthy.

[1274] And I was like, yeah, I know.

[1275] I go, you started it, asshole.

[1276] I go, you think I want to be fucking eating 500 calories getting on a treadmill every day?

[1277] I'm losing a fucking toenail.

[1278] If you start with the start weight, it's 48 pounds for me. But then in the last, probably in the last month, it's probably like 20, 25.

[1279] Dude, pick up that 35 -pound kettlebell and realize that you lost 10 pounds more than that.

[1280] Just pick that up.

[1281] The smaller one, just feel that.

[1282] Feel that.

[1283] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1284] And feel that.

[1285] That's 35 pounds.

[1286] You've lost that in a fucking month, dude.

[1287] That's crazy.

[1288] I don't want to feel it.

[1289] Yeah, feel that.

[1290] Think about, like, walking around with that all day.

[1291] What a burden that is.

[1292] No wonder I had planar fasciitis.

[1293] Yeah.

[1294] Oh, for sure.

[1295] man your feet are carrying the whole weight yeah yeah so it's really it's amazing what you guys have done just because it's fun i mean it's kind of fun but it's obviously a lot of work but i mean because you guys had this like fun challenge yeah it became this big thing it's definitely i mean like i feel like you definitely want to live more around this weight right going forward oh yeah this would be great this would you think you'd like to get lower i ideally i'd like to be 215 would be cool but yeah you're you're you're not that funny fat and you're like if you take your shirt off It's not funny anymore.

[1296] I'd like to stop taking my shirt off.

[1297] Yeah.

[1298] Like, I've told you this in a store.

[1299] Like, I don't take my shirt off at the store.

[1300] I have taken it off.

[1301] But normally I don't, like, if I do a set in the OR, I'll take my shirt off.

[1302] Right, right.

[1303] I don't think about taking my shirt off.

[1304] It's just, you know, it's one of those things.

[1305] It became automatic with you, right?

[1306] It happened organically.

[1307] And then it was one of the things that when I did my special, I talked to my buddy Cowhead, Mike Kauta, and he was just like, you're not going to do with your shirt on, are you?

[1308] And I was like, I haven't really thought about it.

[1309] And he's like, the thing I like, the thing I like watching, you stand up is it doesn't seem like it's different he's like your first special you were dressed up and I get really fucked up in my head about what to wear on stage that really kind of gets in my head about like I don't want to put on a costume yeah right so for me taking my shirt off was just being it was authentic to who what you were doing because you were doing that for the last like couple of years I've been doing it for like five seven years is that how long you've been doing that yeah the shirt off it started yeah seven years I've been formed with a shirt on on the road and I don't you you can't find a picture me a lot of times first show after the show i put my shirt on to take pictures with people but i have so many pictures of me and my shirt off just because it was it felt real felt organic let me ask you this because uh when i'm sick and if i go on stage i don't feel right i feel off like i feel weak yeah you know when you guys are doing this you're you're draining your body so it's almost like you're sick yeah so like what are your sets been like i'll i can i'll tell you Tampa was the day i started that really started when I went to Tampa.

[1310] By the way, I've been on the road this whole fucking month doing this weight loss.

[1311] I've done every fucking week on the road.

[1312] And in Tampa, I was not good.

[1313] I was dizzy.

[1314] I couldn't get my hands warm.

[1315] You're in Florida.

[1316] You can't get your hands warm.

[1317] That's crazy.

[1318] I was dizzy, and I was like, and I don't even think.

[1319] I was drinking a little bit, but I wasn't drinking much, but I wasn't eating.

[1320] That was the other thing.

[1321] I wasn't eating any calories.

[1322] And I think, and I'm sure I wish I had a doctor to tell me this, I think I was probably pre -diabetic, and then when I stopped taking in all sugar altogether, my body just went fucking crazy.

[1323] There was a set where I was like, I was dizzy, and they were sending up juice to the stage so I could get sugar in my body.

[1324] Whoa, like you asked them to do that?

[1325] Yeah, they sent up cranberry juice, and then I drove in one day, and I was like shivering, and I pulled into McDonald's got an orange juice, and I was like, dude, something's fucking wrong.

[1326] My parents were worried, but then right after that, I started feeling good.

[1327] And then I got to, like, Fort Lauderdale, and I was like, bam, I'm on roll.

[1328] I was in Omaha.

[1329] Omaha was the best.

[1330] I started losing weight.

[1331] I started feeling good.

[1332] And then they were doing a topless shots upstairs, $3, topless shots.

[1333] What's a topless shot?

[1334] Everyone's fucking naked.

[1335] The people that were serving shots are you?

[1336] Everyone in the audience.

[1337] The whole audience?

[1338] What in the fuck?

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] So it was just everyone upstairs, topless.

[1341] And if you were topless, you got a $3 shot.

[1342] Tits.

[1343] Yeah.

[1344] It was fucking amazing.

[1345] It was the smartest thing.

[1346] This was an indie?

[1347] And Morty's comedy joint is the best, smartest thing they ever did.

[1348] How did they get away with that?

[1349] Like, you know what I mean?

[1350] I don't know that they care.

[1351] Yeah.

[1352] Yeah.

[1353] It seems like they don't care in this picture.

[1354] Yeah.

[1355] Yeah.

[1356] I sent it to Tom.

[1357] Oh, yeah.

[1358] The best picture I sent to Tom?

[1359] Here, wait, let me show it.

[1360] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1361] Yeah, as long as you're in Indianapolis, you can pull that shit off.

[1362] Yeah, you can't get away with that.

[1363] Do that in New York to put you in jail.

[1364] Oh, for sure.

[1365] You have to have a license to show your tits.

[1366] Day two of cutting sugar, we did a live podcast, and I was in a bad fucking mood, man. Yeah, I shut up, right?

[1367] And I said something to the manager, and then I heard Christina, she was like, just stay out of his way.

[1368] Wow.

[1369] Because I was like, snap.

[1370] I didn't mean, I apologized later, but it was, I was real, just short.

[1371] Irritated.

[1372] I texted this picture to Tom, and I was like, weight loss is doing good.

[1373] Tell me what you think.

[1374] It's his hog.

[1375] Yeah.

[1376] Photoshopped Photoshopped Yeah Yeah To look fucking ridiculous But it was like It was kind of on the line Right so I was like Jesus man He was like And then he wrote like Oops I didn't mean to send it From your waist down And I go Do you mind if I tweet this And then he called I have daughters I actually have real naked pictures I did Yeah I go I was showing it to Paul and Young Ron On their last day And Dan Marino sat down And I still had it on my phone I go Dan you've been in a lot of locker rooms What do you think about this And he goes, er.

[1377] Hey, you were with Captain Lee from Below Deck on that.

[1378] Who's that?

[1379] Oh, yeah.

[1380] Yeah, some reality show.

[1381] What reality show is below deck?

[1382] Below Deck is like, it's chart, yard, what's, I can't say, yacht charters.

[1383] And they have, so you have, like, it follows the crew and then the guests, right?

[1384] So below deck is the crew and the guests are upstairs.

[1385] So it's just like a nonsense reality show, but it's super entertaining.

[1386] They are running out of fucking topics.

[1387] It's super entertaining.

[1388] I get lost in it.

[1389] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1390] I mean, like, as a fluff show, like it's something to watch as you want to do.

[1391] You like a lot of stupid shows, though, right?

[1392] Yeah, Tom likes a lot of stupid shit.

[1393] You ever fucking, you ever see his promotions for his tour?

[1394] It's just some black lady putting on cream?

[1395] I'd be getting real up in this bitch.

[1396] Tom's a girl in Indianapolis.

[1397] Do you ever have some of the people that are actually the people from that video contact you after you put their videos up as promos?

[1398] Not as, I don't think on the promos yet.

[1399] I've had it from your mom's house, like, videos.

[1400] Right, like Throatzilla.

[1401] Yeah, yeah.

[1402] She reached out.

[1403] She follows me. She came to a show.

[1404] She follows me. Yeah, that way had to be really weird, right?

[1405] I wasn't expect.

[1406] She was, like, posting, you know, I'm going to come to this show or that show.

[1407] And I was just like, you know, I didn't respond.

[1408] I didn't know, like, if it was serious or not anyways.

[1409] And then she just showed up and goes, like, I don't want my picture taken.

[1410] And then she was wearing a shirt that said, Throatzilla.

[1411] Throat Zilla, Google me. So I was like, oh, okay.

[1412] But she was super nice, you know?

[1413] Very nice.

[1414] So you got over, like, you really think that you were pre -diabetic?

[1415] I might have been.

[1416] Did you...

[1417] Do you want to throw in the towel for tomorrow, or you want to go for it?

[1418] Oh, I'm going for it.

[1419] Okay.

[1420] The lion, the lion.

[1421] Find out how tall they would have to be to be obese.

[1422] Go to...

[1423] I've done this so much, I can already tell you.

[1424] Go to 5 '10, which you...

[1425] If I was just 6 foot, I'm still overweight.

[1426] Yeah, it was like 511.

[1427] That would have been.

[1428] So 6 foot, it was real close.

[1429] Okay, well, so for sure, he's lost.

[1430] Yeah.

[1431] Yeah, he's definitely lost.

[1432] And there's...

[1433] Tom and I've already talked to this at nauseam, and I've, trust me, I've looked at that BMI scale a lot.

[1434] Check, check the...

[1435] You've got to weigh him.

[1436] You've got to measure.

[1437] We just had physicals, too.

[1438] I had a physical three, four months ago where they measured your height and everything.

[1439] Yeah, he doesn't believe the scale's right.

[1440] I know.

[1441] I'm going to my cardiologist next week.

[1442] Next week.

[1443] Yeah, I rescheduled it.

[1444] I was like, I'm in the middle of this weight loss challenge and it's not super healthy and I kind of don't want to see you now.

[1445] I was like, can I see you when I've rebounded?

[1446] I think you're losing all this weight the way you're doing it, I don't think it's really going to fuck with your heart that much.

[1447] I don't think it's like a bad thing.

[1448] Do you think it is?

[1449] I don't know.

[1450] Is your heart bad?

[1451] I don't know.

[1452] If you went in right now, dehydrated, it would probably have some sort of effect yeah yeah yeah i was supposed to go in last week and i was just like i don't want to i don't want to go in and him being like hey listen you know you're because i got something going on with my thyroid that they've never really figured out so i don't want him to be like you're fucking with your thyroid i was like let's just get through this this is fun by the way that's the other part of this is that that none of this was like it's all healthy i want to be healthy i want to be i want to live long i want to see my kids get married fucking ari posted a tweet about that what if bert gain's weight then he'll be in heaven and some other man will be holding his daughter's hand walking her down the aisle.

[1453] Fucking Ari sometimes.

[1454] He's ruthless.

[1455] Yeah, ruthless.

[1456] It's almost like he's like he's got asperger's or something.

[1457] Like the way he just, like when he, when I walked in his room that day, the day the town started, he's just like, I was like, what's up?

[1458] He's like, you're fat.

[1459] You're obese.

[1460] Oh my God, you're obese.

[1461] It's disgusting.

[1462] You're obese.

[1463] And then I'm like, okay, it's good seeing you, Ari.

[1464] How are you doing?

[1465] Yeah.

[1466] He's like, I was going to talk to you about family, but you're just obese.

[1467] And you're like, yeah, I'm here for like an hour.

[1468] I got to run back to OB radio.

[1469] Do you want to, can we do a podcast?

[1470] You're just so fat.

[1471] How fat do you think Tom is?

[1472] Oh, yeah.

[1473] That's how it started.

[1474] Is Ari's just fucking...

[1475] See, he probably wouldn't be so intense about it if he wouldn't...

[1476] He didn't have the possibility of him paying money.

[1477] Right.

[1478] Looming over his head.

[1479] How about you he's obsessing right now?

[1480] Oh, he's mad.

[1481] Yeah.

[1482] Right now he's mad.

[1483] Fuck.

[1484] He's like their skills broken.

[1485] There's no way.

[1486] Brogan skills no good.

[1487] Yeah.

[1488] He thinks things are heavier than they are.

[1489] Yeah, yeah.

[1490] Or he thinks that skill's bullshit.

[1491] They're lighter They're heavier Something's wrong Fucking Ari He's just thinking about a way To get out of it right now Absolutely scrambling I mean we put a 35 pound weight On that scale It was 35 pounds But not only that though He brought up the height thing To me I don't know A month or so Go And I had a long time I was like look man We need to know What the goal weight Just is And he agreed He agreed it was 2227 It was 227 It was what it was at the very beginning Trust me You're both way under that.

[1492] When I got here today, I thought I would be 226 and something.

[1493] You're almost 10 pounds under that.

[1494] Yeah.

[1495] Yeah, you are.

[1496] Yeah.

[1497] Yeah.

[1498] So he lost.

[1499] Let's just talk about the beard now.

[1500] Are we shaving the whole thing off?

[1501] You should make you wear a Hitler.

[1502] Those are new stakes.

[1503] On a trip with Ari.

[1504] He's got to film a Comedy Central show.

[1505] Right?

[1506] What is it?

[1507] On the 8th?

[1508] I got a film goddamn comedy jam on the 11th, January 11th.

[1509] Oh, wow.

[1510] And Ryan Sickler's been.

[1511] fucking texting me. He's like, you got this man. Don't let, don't come on this show without a beard.

[1512] Oh, yeah, you're fucked.

[1513] You want to hear something crazy?

[1514] Yeah.

[1515] So, uh...

[1516] Yes.

[1517] So...

[1518] I can't wait for you to do it without a beard.

[1519] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bert Kreacher and everyone's like, which one?

[1520] Well, you've had, you've had beards and not beards since I've known you.

[1521] Like when I first met you didn't have a beard.

[1522] I just had stubble.

[1523] Yeah.

[1524] Yeah.

[1525] When did you go full beard?

[1526] Probably when I got fatter.

[1527] But doesn't that make your face look even bigger?

[1528] It does, actually.

[1529] It does.

[1530] If it gets real bushy, you definitely, even if you're fat, it looks better.

[1531] And you trim it and you're like, oh, it looks like I lost 20 pounds.

[1532] I went full beard when this guy, Evan Tanner died.

[1533] Look at that guy.

[1534] That's the saddest part of this whole thing is Tom used to be hot.

[1535] He used to be.

[1536] Look at push.

[1537] She looks great.

[1538] That's a different gal.

[1539] Wow.

[1540] We know Tom's type.

[1541] Holy shit.

[1542] She got paid to take that picture.

[1543] Jesus Christ.

[1544] You're closing in on that, though, dude.

[1545] That's probably.

[1546] No, he'll never see that again.

[1547] Bullshit.

[1548] That's 20 pounds away.

[1549] Yeah, it is Maybe 25 How big do you think you were there But you know what Honestly, your shoulders are bigger now Like you've been lifting weight You actually look stronger You look bigger Yeah, that's a young man right there Wow, how old are you there 21 or 22 Wow That's actually how I wrote That's me the same year I came to L .A That's how I came here With dreams in your eyes Oh my God, so many dreams Can you imagine if they'd said Hey get fat and you'll get famous Get fat as fuck, meet Mike Tyson And you'll get famous Yeah, but you didn't have to be fat to be famous You know, I remember Kevin James Had this manager It was terrible manager at one point in time Kevin was trying to lose weight And his manager was just a fucking idiot He said, Kevin, don't do it When you're losing weight, you're losing rolls Yeah It was like telling them roles and movies and shit I've heard people tell me that Don't lose weight, you won't be funny anymore That's so dumb That's one of the dumbest things that you can say Well, that people have this idea That you can't be fit and be funny It's so stupid Yeah, and then I heard someone say name a fat comics aren't funny.

[1550] I was like, what?

[1551] Oh, that's ridiculous.

[1552] Sam Kinnison.

[1553] Yeah.

[1554] Funniest of all time.

[1555] Fat as fuck.

[1556] Find a picture when, Jamie, see if you can go on my Instagram and see the picture of when I was skinny.

[1557] This is going to, you've ever seen this?

[1558] I have.

[1559] Oh, yeah.

[1560] Oh, I have fucking different as shit.

[1561] Yeah, you look real different.

[1562] And you didn't have a beard either.

[1563] I haven't had, I've had a beard.

[1564] My daughters have never seen me without a beard.

[1565] Whoa.

[1566] By the way, if I lose, my son is going to be terrified, you know, if I come home.

[1567] Dude, that happened to me. When my daughter was really little, I had a full crazy beard because this guy, Evan Tanner, was a former UFC middleweight champion.

[1568] He died and he had this big beard.

[1569] So a bunch of us online, a bunch of fans decided to grow a beard for Evan.

[1570] And I grew a fucking werewolf beard, like a full -on.

[1571] Have you ever seen me with a full beard?

[1572] Evan Tanner was that the guy that hiked out into the forest?

[1573] Oh, look at you two.

[1574] Beautiful.

[1575] Guys look great there.

[1576] Yeah.

[1577] What year is this?

[1578] You had a goatee, Bert.

[1579] That's probably like 06, right?

[1580] It's got to be 04.

[1581] Oh, four?

[1582] No, that's not 04.

[1583] We perform with the porn stars that night.

[1584] Where'd you guys out?

[1585] That's not O4.

[1586] Me and Nick Thune perform with the porn stars at night.

[1587] Are you sure that's O '4?

[1588] I'm certain of it.

[1589] See if you can find one with me with my beard.

[1590] I miss it sometimes.

[1591] It was glorious.

[1592] It was big, thick, fucking bushy, crazy beard.

[1593] My daughters will lose their shit.

[1594] So what happened was I shaved my beard off, and my daughter didn't see me shaving the beard off.

[1595] And she started crying.

[1596] Wow.

[1597] You look like me. Yeah, I had a full -on beard, son That was when I was living in Colorado I trimmed this I trimmed it down Because if I don't trim it down It goes all the way up to like Almost where my nostrils are Are you heavier?

[1598] No, no, it's just to look It just looks like I'm thicker Yeah, see you right there You can see it God dang Yeah Ful -on beard Thinking about bread I don't know why that says Thinking about bread Yeah It's a manly thing right Having a beard is a fucking manly thing Yeah Then you get like you just get used to it Then, you know.

[1599] I would put lotion in it to smooth it out.

[1600] Do you do that?

[1601] No. I have a rash inside my beard.

[1602] So if I lose my beard, we're going to get to see what Vietnamese children's hands look like.

[1603] Look at that picture.

[1604] That's a ridiculous picture.

[1605] Look at you, you little baby.

[1606] You're a little cute little blue -eyed baby.

[1607] When we were walking through the forest in Vietnam, we walked on this village.

[1608] And these kids had never seen a do with a beard before.

[1609] because in Vietnam they don't grow beards and they'd never been out of the jungle and so we walked in and I came in with a beard and they fucking lost their shit I thought I was a werewolf I'm gonna fucking around yeah they lost their shit and they ran in hot hid and I've never had that reaction with kids I'm always really good with kids and so I was like what's wrong and Titi was our fixer and he's like your beard scares them they think you're a wolf and I said oh let me tell them I'm okay so we brought a guitar over and we sat with these kids and they wouldn't stop looking at my beard so I go into my bag and I had I had skittles and M &Ms with me So I pulled out skittles They'd never had fucking skittles I'd give them skittles and they light up And then one of the kids is like It says in Vietnamese can I play in your face So I said sure So then all the kids started playing in my face One kid had this funky hand And I was like I was like this isn't gonna go good And he gets in my head And as soon as he does it I feel everything get hot on my side I'm like Oh really?

[1610] But I couldn't say anything And then What was on his hand?

[1611] I don't know it just looked like Fucking disgusting Like he had never watched his hand.

[1612] And so I've had this, like, thing that I've been putting cortisone on for the last month trying to get it to go away in case I lose my beard.

[1613] Did you ever go to a dermatologist?

[1614] No, because I have a beard.

[1615] No one saw it, so I didn't give a fuck.

[1616] So it's still in there for a month?

[1617] For a month?

[1618] For a month?

[1619] How long?

[1620] Year and a half?

[1621] Jesus Christ, burn?

[1622] Go to a doctor.

[1623] But I had a beard.

[1624] It's like, if you get a pimple in a beard, you're like, ah, fuck it.

[1625] You forget about it.

[1626] Where's you've got some crazy Ebola shit growing on your face?

[1627] Please, please.

[1628] Oh, we'll see tomorrow.

[1629] Please.

[1630] Please.

[1631] Please let it be dead.

[1632] My wife's been saying to me, she's like, you need to shave your beard and let it air out.

[1633] Because it's just that, you know, you sleep on your cheek, and so it gets warm every night.

[1634] And it's like, so.

[1635] Yeah, man, whatever the fuck it is, it's supposed to go away by now.

[1636] Yeah, yeah.

[1637] You should go to a doctor.

[1638] I'm not the doctor type.

[1639] Wait, what time are we weighing in tomorrow?

[1640] That's one thing we didn't know.

[1641] What time would you want to do it tomorrow?

[1642] What time works for you guys?

[1643] 9 a. 11 o 'clock works really good for me. Same time?

[1644] But we're getting, but we're getting fucked up tomorrow, too.

[1645] Okay.

[1646] Okay.

[1647] So what kind of booze do you want?

[1648] We'll bring booze.

[1649] Vodka.

[1650] Tito's and soda.

[1651] And we'll bring pizza.

[1652] Titos?

[1653] Oh.

[1654] Okay.

[1655] My dick just got hard.

[1656] Yeah.

[1657] Okay.

[1658] Okay.

[1659] Okay.

[1660] Titos and what's a Tito?

[1661] What is it?

[1662] What's a Tito?

[1663] What is it?

[1664] What is it?

[1665] What is it?

[1666] What is it?

[1667] What is it?

[1668] What is it?

[1669] It's a vodka?

[1670] I don't know.

[1671] I think they're Austin -based, right?

[1672] They're Austin -based, and the guy's name is Bert.

[1673] The owner of the company is named Bert.

[1674] We'll get some of that.

[1675] Actually, we'll get some of pizza.

[1676] So we'll take an order at the end of the day.

[1677] What kind of pizza you want?

[1678] No, no, they're Team Burt.

[1679] So let's do Grey Goose and Sotas instead.

[1680] Oh, we'll do both.

[1681] Titos is Team Burt.

[1682] We'll do Titos and Grey Goose.

[1683] You're a Grey Goose guy, Greg Goose and Soto?

[1684] I am since they went Team Burt.

[1685] They went Team Bert?

[1686] Like, they contacted you?

[1687] Yeah, they hit me up.

[1688] They're like, Love the Way Lost Team Burt.

[1689] Yeah, I had a bottle, but I poured that shit down the dream.

[1690] Jack Daniels is Team Rogan if you want to hop on board.

[1691] What's that?

[1692] I want to go to Jack and Coke?

[1693] I haven't had that in forever.

[1694] Want to go to that?

[1695] I'll join you on there.

[1696] Okay.

[1697] All right.

[1698] Jack and Cokes tomorrow.

[1699] We're going to get Loopy.

[1700] Really fucked up tomorrow.

[1701] Plus, well, no. Okay, so I've got to get...

[1702] Do you want pizza or do you want Dan's super subs?

[1703] No, no, no, no. No, I've been thinking about this for a fucking month.

[1704] Really?

[1705] Okay.

[1706] Can we get pizza and hot wings?

[1707] Oh, yeah, for sure.

[1708] Oh, hot wings?

[1709] The only problem is getting it here at 11 a .m. How many pizza places are open at 10?

[1710] They're open, pretty early?

[1711] Just for slobs of like pizza?

[1712] For breakfast?

[1713] Okay.

[1714] Can we get some thin crust, pepperoni?

[1715] Whatever the fuck you want?

[1716] We'll take an order.

[1717] We'll take an order and we'll bring it in.

[1718] We should also do a post -binge weigh -in.

[1719] See what we get up to.

[1720] Yeah, we should.

[1721] We should go hard.

[1722] We should go hard and figure it out.

[1723] All right, I'll even eat pizza tomorrow.

[1724] That's going to be hard.

[1725] The weird part about this weighing shit is it's kind of fuck with my head a little bit.

[1726] Like in that I can understand.

[1727] I'm not saying I understand, but I understand what, like, anorexics, the control part of it.

[1728] You know, like I don't, I think, I get the.

[1729] control part where you go, I'm not eating anything.

[1730] And then you feel you're in control.

[1731] You're like, eat an apple, and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have had that.

[1732] That's a lot of sugar.

[1733] Maybe I should throw that up.

[1734] Like, I understand that part because I bet tomorrow that first piece of piece is going to be very hard for me to eat.

[1735] Because I haven't had anything.

[1736] I've had a lot of anxiety over this.

[1737] Over what?

[1738] The way in.

[1739] Oh, I had dreams last night that Brendan Schaub was running me through fucking training camp.

[1740] Really?

[1741] Dude, yeah.

[1742] Like, I had a hundred dreams about Bernie Shob last night.

[1743] I dreamt that I put Justin Bieber in the hospital.

[1744] Beat the shit out of him?

[1745] Yeah.

[1746] What'd you beat him with?

[1747] I beat him with my hands, but then I slammed his head against the floor.

[1748] Why?

[1749] What caused the anger?

[1750] He said something about, he's like, nice jacket at a diner.

[1751] And I go, thanks, I like your hair.

[1752] And he's like, what did you say to me?

[1753] And as soon as he said that, I jumped over the thing and I, like, elbowed him in the face and took him and started slamming his head against the floor.

[1754] And then it just cut to.

[1755] in my dream it just cut to me walking out of a jail and there was TMZ there and they're like why did you attack him and I go it was just a big misunderstanding like a like people say after like street fights you know they're like it was just misunderstanding man and then I dream I was going in a car and people were following me and they're like you shouldn't have attacked that guy I don't know I woke up that's hilarious what's the biggest thing you've cheated on this whole what's the one splurge where you're like fuck it I can tell you mine right now he's had nothing but water no food wise but for drinking he in the last all he had was coffee and water are you serious have you really about that with water yeah and then I and then I cut coffee you cut coffee yeah 219 I had two cups of coffee today you did today why did you did that today I had to get on the treadmill yeah but you don't have to have the coffee to get on the treadmill you just get on the treadmill It does.

[1756] I needed that.

[1757] And song number two by Blur to get the day started.

[1758] How big was the cup of coffee?

[1759] Like, the big ones.

[1760] Wow, dude, you know, that's probably like eight ounces.

[1761] You probably drink a pound of coffee.

[1762] Watch out.

[1763] That might have been the difference.

[1764] Tomorrow I'll just have a fucking, I'll just do a little bump of Coke.

[1765] They'll be fucking, dude, have you ever worked out on Coke?

[1766] No. Have you?

[1767] Yeah.

[1768] And you fucking kill it.

[1769] Really?

[1770] I used to play basketball after smoking weed, like pickup games.

[1771] in college and when I first got out here some of the best pickup games I ever played were not too high but just like well NBA players are famous you know they they was in the contract yeah the whole NBA is sweet but like the uh it's amazing like if you if you were dialed in I mean I imagine it might be like that with Jiu Jitsu in a way it is 100 % like that with Jiu Jitsu you're dialed in on in basketball if you can lose yourself and like see plays before you know see somebody hitting the hole before it happens you start you get in a zone and you're just zoned in on it man i probably sparred i probably sparred on jiu -jitsu thousands of times really thousands like no bullshit over the course of 20 years i probably yeah many many many many many many many times smoked and then done jiu -jitsu many times because everybody does it it's like one of the things dudes would meet at tenth planet we'd meet in the parking lot and get lit up and then go in there and roll but how high like what's that fuck oh you get really low so high forget what I'm talking about.

[1772] Really?

[1773] Wow.

[1774] Yeah.

[1775] But, like, you can't learn anything on high when you're high like that.

[1776] You don't learn shit.

[1777] You just do what you know.

[1778] But you're super creative.

[1779] Like, it's not good if someone's trying to teach you something.

[1780] But what it is good for is if you already know things.

[1781] You already know things and you just get loose and zoned out.

[1782] And then you can just, you feel the moves better.

[1783] You feel like the attacks better.

[1784] No, I know you probably already talked about this, but I haven't heard you talk about it real quick.

[1785] What about the Ronda Rousey thing?

[1786] A crazy fight.

[1787] Not good.

[1788] Not good.

[1789] It was, you could see the panic.

[1790] You could see the anxiety.

[1791] You could see the difference in the skill level striking -wise.

[1792] Like, I just think the whole, there was a lot wrong with her camp, a lot wrong with her preparation, a lot wrong with her mindset.

[1793] And a lot wrong with her skill set in comparison to that woman.

[1794] Amanda Nunes is a fucking monster.

[1795] She's a monster.

[1796] I knew that like a lot.

[1797] long time ago.

[1798] I thought she was the biggest threat to Rhonda before Rhonda got knocked out by Holly.

[1799] I was like, I think Amanda Nunes is the biggest threat because every fight starts standing and Holly is a very good striker, but the real danger for Holly I always thought was her kicks and that's what she knocked Ron out with, head kick.

[1800] But like, it kicks her harder to lay, like a head kicks harder to land than a punch.

[1801] In exchanges, Rhonda would get punched.

[1802] You know, and I'd seen her get punched by Misha and other people had punched her, I'm like, if fucking Amanda Nunes punches her, she's going to get fucked up, and that's exactly what happened.

[1803] But it was way worse because she was still recovering psychologically from that Hollyholm fight.

[1804] And then also physiologically, when you get head kicked, and we were talking about on the podcast yesterday, there's some people that get head kicked and they are never the same again.

[1805] Like never.

[1806] You never know.

[1807] Some people get a head injury and they're okay a few months later.

[1808] Some people get a head injury and they're never okay.

[1809] Yeah.

[1810] The same person who you were goes away.

[1811] Any head injury can do that.

[1812] I know someone from it was in an accident, nothing to do with fighting, head trauma, never the same.

[1813] Well, you know, that's the Sam Kinnison story.

[1814] Sam Kinnison was one person, and then he got hit by a truck, I think, when he was a little kid and was never the same again.

[1815] And then also he was this reckless fucking wild man. He was like this calm, collected kid, normal kid, kind of shy, gets hit by a fucking.

[1816] truck and then all of a sudden he's this wild man it doesn't give a fuck he's taking crazy chances and risks wow you know i had a serious head injury there you go bird crusher i got thrown on my head in college in a fight and knocked unconscious and then was out of it and wandering around the campus lost didn't know who i was didn't know where i was nobody took care you nobody brought you to a doctor no this girl did this girl did swat found me on campus and i was confused i didn't know where i was and then she it was a fight was in the middle of the day what happened i was in a in my fraternity I would written a song about a guy and that I had sung before and I guess he had been upset before and told me that I just didn't understand it that's some problem with me is sometimes I cast a big wake and I don't get that I'm upsetting people but everyone's having a good time and they feel like I'm making fun of them but I'm not but I'm just being fun and stay you know and he came up to me in the middle of the day and he was I saw him and we were really good friends and he was big and he was like stay the fuck away from me and I thought he was kidding around and I went up to him and he was like I'm fucking serious and he like got in my face and I was like are you really gonna fucking hit me we're friends and he fucking grabbed me and tried to and then literally like suplexed me and flapped me on my head and I went out and I I woke up and he was holding my tongue because I had swallowed my tongue he was holding my tongue out of my mouth and he was crying and he was like I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and I didn't know what happened and I just walked around I started walking around campus this girl found me in the middle of like and then drove me she drove me to the hospital and I was in the hospital I was so confused I didn't know anything I didn't know who the president was I kind of started like coming figuring it out and then and then my girlfriend and my best friend came out and got me and took me home but like for like a week I'd go like I remember one time I went to go get the mail with my dog and I forgot where our apartment was and I was like where the fuck is our apartment wait did you see the guy again yeah and he graduated that he was older than me He graduated that year and he came back.

[1817] Oddly enough, he came back and he tried to apologize.

[1818] And I was just like, I was like, I don't know, I'll never see you again.

[1819] You can go fuck yourself.

[1820] I felt so guilty about beating up Justin Bieber in my dream that I downloaded two of his songs after I woke up.

[1821] Wait, which ones?

[1822] Because he's got two really good ones.

[1823] I think it was like the sorry one and the other big hit from last year or whatever it was.

[1824] Yeah, the one of the, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1825] The one that Michael Che sang?

[1826] Yeah.

[1827] Or not Michael Cheye.

[1828] The other black guy from As -NL.

[1829] I don't know.

[1830] Fucking Jay Farrow.

[1831] Oh.

[1832] That would sound racist.

[1833] I didn't mean that you guys.

[1834] But you were both black guys on SNL.

[1835] I've seen a ton of people get hit in the head.

[1836] Yeah, yeah.

[1837] I've probably seen more people get knocked the fuck out than I would say than 1 % of all the living humans that have ever lived.

[1838] Probably.

[1839] Yeah, you have.

[1840] Most likely.

[1841] Yeah.

[1842] It scares me. Head injury scare me more than anything because it just don't, you don't know.

[1843] The scariest part to me, when I watch boxing or MMA, even like those like recaps afterwards, is when, because you see it obviously different in slow -mo or afterwards, but when you see that that knockout blow has been landed and fighters so zoned in on what he's doing, that he'll get in like two more, you know, and it's already like no kind of, like it's over.

[1844] And then you'll see like another hit, And the lights are already off, and you see the whole head going.

[1845] And then, like, a second one is bouncing off the canvas, and you're like, oh, my God.

[1846] And then, you know, the ref, even if he's good, jumps in and stops it.

[1847] But you're like, that's way too much that's happened already.

[1848] There was a bad one this past weekend.

[1849] Mike Pyle fought this guy, Alex Garcia, and he got hit with a right hand and dropped.

[1850] He got knocked out, and then as he went unconscious, his head bounced off the canvas.

[1851] and the head bounces are the scariest ones Yeah, a guy goes out And then as he's fallen, his head just, Bambang!

[1852] Yeah.

[1853] And when he got up, he was out for a bit, and then he woke up, he did not know what happened, and they tried to tell him he got knocked out, he's like, no way.

[1854] And then he's like, no, fuck.

[1855] But then he kept saying, what happened?

[1856] And they were like, you got knocked out.

[1857] I was like, no, what happened?

[1858] Yeah, that's a real comment.

[1859] I've seen that many times when people get knocked out.

[1860] Can you believe bingo's recovery?

[1861] How is she doing now?

[1862] doing great she is she's back of the fucking fun house is she yeah when she they released her i mean it was it was it wasn't an easy path and i haven't talked to doug about it totally and i don't explain the story explain the story um bingo for her i'm not speaking out of school i think this is stuff all dog is shared uh but bingo was having her 40th birthday party i think and so her sisters came out her parents were coming out everyone was coming out she started partying pretty hard i think she did too much coke she had a seizure which has happened before but she fell off a step and hit her head and apparently she was bleeding out of every orifice of her face and you know all their all you know Doug's everything's a joke there but then it wasn't and I was in the car with Big Jay and Doug called and I was like hey guys it's Doug Stanhope and Jay's like why what's up and Doug's like I think bingo's gonna die I'm probably not gonna make it to the end of the world podcast and then we were like whoa and then I took off yeah you could tell he was kind of out of sorts at the podcast he was just off he was like felt uncomfortably kept leaving you know and he just didn't know what to say he was he was really odded out by the whole thing yeah he was he was really worked up and then i would talk to him i i every now and then i'll talk to doug late night when we're both drinking and uh we talked i think we talked for like an hour 45 minutes and he was just like it's you know it's not this isn't good this isn't how it's going to go and then all of a sudden one day they're like hey she started responding and then they're like hey she's talking hey she's playing the guitar hey she's doing good we're going to have a swallow test and if we can get the we're going to try to get her trache because that was her problem is her vocal cords were all fucked up and then they got her trache and then they're like hey a tracheotomy a tracheotomy where they put a hole in your throat so that she doesn't have to use her her throat to breathe you can just breathe right from your lungs to the air and so then they were like you know it's going to be some rehabilitation it's going to take a while to get her back to like where she was the day of her birthday party but everything seems to be tracking really nicely I mean so much stuff Doug is, Doug, it's the day, like a week before Bingo had her accent, Doug called me late night, and he was like, do you have $100 ,000 you can part with?

[1863] I was like, yeah, why?

[1864] And he goes, I got a line on a cave in Arizona I want to buy.

[1865] We'll get me, you, Norm MacDonald, Joe, we'll get us all in.

[1866] We're going to do it, right?

[1867] And I was like, he hasn't texted you about this?

[1868] Well, I know there's a house that's for sale that's built into a cave.

[1869] Is that the one?

[1870] He wants to buy that house?

[1871] It's a million dollars.

[1872] He's like 10 of us, 100 grand.

[1873] We each put it in, and then we have our own cave.

[1874] I don't want to go to that cave.

[1875] Well, that's why maybe he hasn't texted you.

[1876] The house has been for sale for, like, a decade.

[1877] And so, and so then he's...

[1878] I thought he was going to ask for medical bills money.

[1879] No. That makes sense.

[1880] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[1881] And then he's, and then last night, or the night before last, he started talking about the cave again.

[1882] So I go, things must be doing good in the fun house if Doug wants to go back to buying the cave.

[1883] And Norm McDonald's in, Roseanne Bars in.

[1884] What?

[1885] What are they going to do with this cave?

[1886] I don't know, but I'm pot committed.

[1887] 100 grand.

[1888] My land's like, we're not buying a fucking cave.

[1889] You're a hundred grand into a cave.

[1890] and Ari doesn't want to part with a fucking plane ticket to Paris because he thinks you're lying about your height.

[1891] My dad said he was 6 -1.

[1892] He's 5 -10.

[1893] He's going to roll back every excuse tomorrow to...

[1894] It's going to be rough.

[1895] You could tell him we're 6 -4, and he doesn't care.

[1896] I don't care.

[1897] Bullshit.

[1898] Not paying.

[1899] God damn it.

[1900] Yeah.

[1901] I'm going to lose my fucking beard, I think.

[1902] Well, he's very frugal.

[1903] Yeah, he is.

[1904] Oh.

[1905] Remember he's like going to give away money?

[1906] You were hearing on that podcast?

[1907] He's like, I love the money I need.

[1908] He just went like cool things.

[1909] So if you have an idea, I mean, maybe I'll fund it.

[1910] Really?

[1911] Yeah.

[1912] He's like, I have everything I need.

[1913] What ideas would you want to fund?

[1914] Like, how good would the idea have to be before?

[1915] That, like, I'm like, just take this?

[1916] Yeah.

[1917] It would be insanely good.

[1918] Yeah, I don't know.

[1919] If it's, like, just a creative project.

[1920] People have come up to me with some really good ideas, and I'm like, good luck.

[1921] Yeah.

[1922] I'm not fun and shit.

[1923] Yeah.

[1924] I don't.

[1925] I don't.

[1926] Does it ever excite you?

[1927] No. I don't want to think.

[1928] Yeah.

[1929] I don't want to, like, here's a thing.

[1930] People go, it won't be a big deal.

[1931] you just give me money i'm gonna handle it no no i'm gonna think about it so it's gonna cost me money i would rather have less money and not think about you doing that yeah than to make money from you doing that because then i have to think like as soon as you start rely you complicate your life when you get involved in too many endeavors i'm already involved in too much shit as it is yeah but when i say that to people they go you're not even going to happen like stop you still get a lot of pitches all the time i was with you for a pitch i wasn't go into it well i mean we remember a guy met us it was arranged and we were in New York or something he was at the restaurant he was like I've built like a this city oh yeah the mountain in the mountains yeah yeah and I was there like what I'm trying to smell you're selling right now community in the mountains and then he was like and it's like people like you he goes we'd like to just have you up there and um you know on the house of course we'll take care you your whole family can go and enjoy it and I'm like yeah so so that later he buys it like you're giving him a week free and then yeah now do you want to buy it yeah and he's like trying to say like no no no I just want you to enjoy it like so he can buy it you're gonna let him stay there and then or you use me to try to rope other people and you're buying there yeah yeah I mean it's fine I mean you know constructed community that's his pitch but communities get constructed well naturally yeah I've never heard I mean I guess you might be able to do it was a forced upscale community do you remember when you wanted to buy when you wanted to make a compound up in Santa Barbara?

[1932] I still do.

[1933] By the way, I'm, looking at land yesterday.

[1934] Santa Barbara?

[1935] Everywhere.

[1936] I love Santa Barbara.

[1937] Trying to get off the grid, son.

[1938] Leanne and I are looking at property in Colorado.

[1939] Yeah, where?

[1940] Right now we're at a place where our payments are Leanne set it up so that we can be poor.

[1941] They pay off your house.

[1942] Yeah.

[1943] You live it above your means.

[1944] Stop with the mortgage.

[1945] We've been talking about Colorado.

[1946] You want to buy a house together?

[1947] We're in Colorado.

[1948] Um, I like to, I personally, I would like to stay no more than 45 to an hour outside of Denver.

[1949] I got you, I got you.

[1950] Evergreen.

[1951] But up in the, up, up, up, like above the, above the elevation, like 7 ,500 feet.

[1952] You've been looking at that too?

[1953] Yes.

[1954] I know.

[1955] Yes.

[1956] Evergreen's a spot.

[1957] I got a buddy who lives up there.

[1958] Fucking amazing.

[1959] You got to put like a bear, like nails up, upside down so the bears don't come in your fucking house.

[1960] You do have to do that sometimes.

[1961] and they have certain kinds of doorknobs.

[1962] Like, they don't, you know those doorknobs that are like, like pull down doorknobs?

[1963] Yeah.

[1964] They don't recommend those.

[1965] Oh, really?

[1966] Bears figure those fuckers out.

[1967] Oh, really?

[1968] Yeah.

[1969] And they figure out how to get in your fucking house together.

[1970] You want to do that?

[1971] Yeah.

[1972] You guys going gay for each other.

[1973] Look at this.

[1974] This would be, oh, this is my dream.

[1975] Two bears with bears.

[1976] They're just like, Tommy Bert.

[1977] Have you been looking at that?

[1978] Yeah, yeah, we talked about yesterday.

[1979] Because you can get fairly cheap up there, especially if we go havesies.

[1980] All right.

[1981] It's hard to do havesies.

[1982] on the mortgage.

[1983] Now you have a second house.

[1984] No, you're going to weigh over your head.

[1985] We start a corporation.

[1986] Evergreen is fucking beautiful.

[1987] That's my favorite, I think my favorite city to go, like to visit.

[1988] Denver?

[1989] I love Denver.

[1990] It's the shit.

[1991] My sound guy lives up there.

[1992] Those people got it made, man. I mean, they're staring at the Rocky Mountains every day.

[1993] It's fucking awesome.

[1994] Real estate prices are through the roof.

[1995] Everyone's cool there.

[1996] So cool.

[1997] Oh, we're getting so high tomorrow.

[1998] Yeah, tomorrow.

[1999] So how are you guys going to deal with the rest of the day?

[2000] Do you just go out of here and just start running?

[2001] Like, what are you going to do?

[2002] Get on the treadmill.

[2003] I got to go to a podcast.

[2004] You got to do yours?

[2005] I got to do one with Joey.

[2006] Now, is there any concern about the rest of the day?

[2007] Like, you know, this is like, it's a race that you've, you're ahead.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] But you're only ahead by 32 ounces.

[2010] Oh, I got to be real careful today.

[2011] Look, Tom, Tom is Derek Jeter on Mickey Mantle.

[2012] You keep saying this Mickey Mantle thing.

[2013] Yeah, because Mickey Mantle was a fucking savage.

[2014] He fucking partied his whole fucking life.

[2015] Never showed up to a game, fucking, fucking.

[2016] half sober and stills one of it.

[2017] Who do you remember more, Tom?

[2018] Be honest.

[2019] Mickey Mantle or Derek Jeter?

[2020] I mean, definitely to steal from Daniel Tash, just like train wreck stole from Daniel Tosh.

[2021] Train wreck stole from Daniel?

[2022] Yeah, they did.

[2023] The movie?

[2024] Yeah, they did.

[2025] Fuck, yeah, they did.

[2026] They directly stole one of his lines.

[2027] Really?

[2028] Yeah, he had a bit about Babe Ruth.

[2029] He's like, yeah.

[2030] He goes, it should be an askerist next to his name because he never had to play against black guys.

[2031] Oh, yeah.

[2032] He was talking about Babe Ruth, never took steroids.

[2033] He also never played against black guys.

[2034] And Daniel Tosh had a great bit.

[2035] at Ver fucking bait him And that movie Did he tell you this?

[2036] He did it on his show Oh on his show He talked about it on his show And there's a one of the compilations Of plagiarism accusations Against Schumer Has that in there Wow Yeah, there's a lot By the way There's a lot There's a lot.

[2037] There's a lot It gets hairy Where you gotta go Huh All righty Anyway Mickey Mantle didn't play Against Black guys Or did he Maybe he did Yeah Mickey Mantle Manel played against Black guys Jackie Robinson Yeah Yeah, he did.

[2038] Well before him.

[2039] So you're saying that you're just the gunsling here.

[2040] No, but, like, what you're going to do?

[2041] I can already predict tomorrow.

[2042] Tommy's going to come in at 2 .17.

[2043] 2 .15.

[2044] No. Tommy.

[2045] It's going to be about 2 .15.

[2046] No. Yeah, he is.

[2047] Tom has hit his threshold weight.

[2048] I don't think so.

[2049] I'm not eating chicken.

[2050] I'm not eating anything.

[2051] Right, right, right.

[2052] Although I probably drank seven pounds of water.

[2053] But you got to understand that, like, you'll hold on to more water.

[2054] Have you the one of you guys fucked with distilled water?

[2055] That's all I've been drinking.

[2056] Shut up.

[2057] You got to be careful with that.

[2058] You can't drink too much of that because it'll deplete your body of minerals and electrolytes.

[2059] Look, all I know is that I can run, I can probably run 20 miles between now and then.

[2060] That's what I need.

[2061] Sort of.

[2062] The problem is, boy, when are you going to do it?

[2063] Like, when are you going to actually do it?

[2064] Because you're going to literally have to do it before the way in.

[2065] You're not going to be able to drink anything.

[2066] like you have think about like 32 ounces this is what eight ounces yeah 16 16 is 16 these are 16 these are 32's right here this is 16 .9 yeah okay so two of these two of these two of these two of these he's ahead of you just two of these so you can't fuck around I don't I don't use math in this I use heart long strain DNA long strand DNA what is long strand DNA from some movie that I saw So you think you just, if you just do the run, then you'll do it?

[2067] And I'm not going to eat anything either.

[2068] You're going to feel like shit.

[2069] No. No?

[2070] I'm different than you guys.

[2071] I've got that long strand DNA.

[2072] You're different?

[2073] How are you different than me?

[2074] I focus on it.

[2075] I focus.

[2076] Like, I get hyper aware and I go, I have a goal.

[2077] Like, today, when I woke up, I wanted a glass of water so bad.

[2078] It was six of him.

[2079] Those guys are hilarious that, yeah, it's my mentality.

[2080] I understand.

[2081] It's my mentality.

[2082] You know how many fucking dummies I've met that tell me They could fight in the UFC.

[2083] I know I could beat anybody.

[2084] It's because my mentality I refuse to lose.

[2085] That's the next one, Tommy.

[2086] I used to love head kicking those guys.

[2087] Me and you fight someone in the M &A.

[2088] And we see who wins.

[2089] Me versus Ari.

[2090] Me versus U .S. Ari will cheat.

[2091] He'll eye -gouge you.

[2092] We fight C .M. Punk will beat the fuck out of the both of you guys.

[2093] It's only the same time.

[2094] Of course.

[2095] He might have got a disaster kick by Mickey Gall, but Mickey Gall.

[2096] Let's be clear here.

[2097] Burt said that.

[2098] You can leave me out of this You don't think Siam Punk would beat your ass Dude, I don't know enough I'm just joking I don't fucking know anything about Siam Punk I've never knew him when he was a famous We should fight though We should fight right Yeah yeah let's fight no No I don't want to fight you Let's see you can gain the most weight next No no no no No you guys gotta This gotta be like the new you Yeah Can you make this happen though Like what are you thinking after this is over What do you think about Three six months That's what I mean Yeah.

[2099] What if we weighed in April 1st and July 1st, so three months and then six months?

[2100] Well, here's the thing.

[2101] This is the right way to do it.

[2102] And you and I talked about this.

[2103] The right way to do this is you have a way in every 12 weeks or every month for 12 months, every four weeks.

[2104] And at the end of the year, you tally up a score, like a race to 12.

[2105] Like see who wins each month.

[2106] So the only way to really do it would be like you would have to actually lose body weight.

[2107] You couldn't just dehydrate yourself every month and go under because if one of you keeps going like, say if you guys had to do it, like if I was in on the challenge and you guys had to do it against me, I'm 19 pounds lighter than the heaviest or than the lightest guy right now.

[2108] So I would already have an advantage.

[2109] So if I just started losing more and more weight, you would have to lose body weight in order to be in the race.

[2110] You can't just lose 19 pounds of body weight every month like that.

[2111] You wouldn't be able to do it.

[2112] So if you started today and then every month you guys had a weigh -in challenge, the number would drop every month.

[2113] Like it's 219 now.

[2114] Next month it's probably like 207.

[2115] Next month it would be like 210, you know, a 201.

[2116] And then you would keep going and going and going until you guys were skinny as fuck.

[2117] You guys would be like bodybuilders by the end of the year.

[2118] I don't think I don't think I, I'm not saying, I'm sure I'd probably love being 186.

[2119] Really?

[2120] I mean, I'm not, I wasn't about to say that.

[2121] I was going to say, I'm sure I'd love it.

[2122] But personally, I think 215 is a really great weight for me. I know it's still overweight.

[2123] But you don't want to be overweight, right?

[2124] I don't want to be overweight, but I also don't want to look like...

[2125] This?

[2126] I'd love to be fucking yoked.

[2127] But I don't know if I have the fucking...

[2128] CrossFit.

[2129] I've been doing CrossFit.

[2130] I see it, yeah.

[2131] And I had to stop because I was afraid I was building up too much mass. Because you're putting on too much weight?

[2132] I was like, this is a weight loss challenge.

[2133] Any weight that comes in a muscle, I don't want.

[2134] I'm just going to run my fucking ass off.

[2135] Actually, I thought the same thing.

[2136] Like I said, I've always done weightlifting.

[2137] Like, you've been at my heaviest.

[2138] And like, six, eight weeks ago, I was like, oh, I fucking, I haven't touched.

[2139] I feel weird.

[2140] I actually feel somewhat, like, different that I haven't touched weights.

[2141] Yeah, I mean, it makes a big difference.

[2142] And then the only way to keep the weight off while you're doing that, you'd have to do, like, lightweight, low reps. But you're still.

[2143] Lightweight high reps, right?

[2144] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[2145] Lightweight, high reps. Yeah, and I thought about that, and I know some people were going to tell me, like, that's what you should have done, you would have lost more, but I kind of just picked it.

[2146] Fuck anyone with any insights on weight loss that's a pedestrian.

[2147] Like, I hate when they go, listen, man, if you're not eating a lot of calories, your body's going to backfire, start storing fat.

[2148] Fuck you.

[2149] Tell that to the kids in Ethiopia.

[2150] Well, if you don't eat, you fucking lose fucking weight.

[2151] That's how that fucking works.

[2152] If you burn more calories than you take in, your body has a certain reaction, and that's how that fucking works.

[2153] He's gone in a scientific route, though.

[2154] He's put his body into a state of ketosis.

[2155] Like, he's cut out all the sugar and the carbs, and now his body's burning fat.

[2156] I think I might have done that, too, except for the vodka sodas.

[2157] Yeah.

[2158] They'll stop you from really getting into ketosis, though.

[2159] The alcohol will.

[2160] Do you have one of those sticks?

[2161] You can piss on a stick and it'll tell you?

[2162] This stuff, this is kegenics.

[2163] Oh, that's what we talk.

[2164] This is exogenous ketones.

[2165] You take the stuff, it puts you into, like you could drink a fucking Dr. Pepper, and then you take this stuff, and it'll put you into a state where your body's burning fat, not carbohydrates.

[2166] Hold on.

[2167] You're telling me if I put that in a vodka soda, it would just immediately burn that sugar?

[2168] I'm telling me if you take a vodka soda and then take this afterwards.

[2169] I wouldn't mix the two of them together.

[2170] I don't think that's smart.

[2171] But drink this afterwards.

[2172] You're back on track?

[2173] Oh, you do, yeah.

[2174] You can get right back on track.

[2175] Yeah, for sure.

[2176] Tell that company to hit me up.

[2177] No, they're not going to.

[2178] They want no piece of that.

[2179] We're here for actual healthy people.

[2180] Oh, yeah.

[2181] Like, we don't want to fucking work.

[2182] Hey, guys.

[2183] But, like, you don't, this is where it's crazy.

[2184] It's like, you're on the door to looking great.

[2185] Like, you're right there, and you're already ready to fucking go run back into the woods.

[2186] You're like, at the door.

[2187] Yes, you are.

[2188] You are.

[2189] But your mindset is like, this is temporary.

[2190] No, it's not temporary.

[2191] But you guys have totally different mindsets.

[2192] Like, your mindset is starve yourself.

[2193] Stave yourself.

[2194] Go at it like a fucking savage.

[2195] I mean, look, you had gloves.

[2196] You came in here with gloves so your hands could sweat.

[2197] Look, you took me wore gloves here.

[2198] He's a maniac.

[2199] And then Tom is...

[2200] I did two miles yesterday, man. That's it, you know?

[2201] You did two miles?

[2202] Yeah, that's it.

[2203] Yeah.

[2204] I did two miles in the Coliseum.

[2205] Yeah.

[2206] So there's a totally different mindsets.

[2207] Yours is like extreme, short -term, but unsustainable.

[2208] Everything he's doing is totally sustainable.

[2209] Yeah, I'm curious to see what it would be like if my body had 2 ,000 calories a day.

[2210] But all that...

[2211] But you can do that.

[2212] But when you get down to a certain weight, you don't want to...

[2213] that because then your body's going to start eating its muscle.

[2214] That's what happens.

[2215] When your body gets to a certain stage, it's what you have to understand about losing weight.

[2216] If your body doesn't have the amount of protein that it needs, you start consuming your own muscle.

[2217] I've been eating proteins and greens.

[2218] That's it.

[2219] No carbs, no breads, no pastas.

[2220] Beans is the only carb I've had.

[2221] I've only had that twice in a month.

[2222] You can up that a little bit.

[2223] Yeah, but when you think about, like, I'm only going to take in 2 ,000 calories a day, I want to do this.

[2224] You will lose weight, but you also lose strength.

[2225] you feel exhausted your body starts eating itself i had that dinner last night that big dinner last night and when i got on the treadmill i felt fucking phenomenal like i got on there and literally was like 10 miles or 7 miles no problem full rush of energy sugar everything from that yeah but that might have fucked you you might have been two pounds lighter if you didn't do that no shit you might do it tonight i'm a man an impulse yeah and i noticed that that was my bet though i was betting on that yeah that's the bet the bet was he was saying that you're just going to wait until the last minute and go crazy.

[2226] That's exactly what you did.

[2227] I crammed.

[2228] And I said that, by the way, a month ago.

[2229] I knew that you were going to do this.

[2230] But if your discipline wasn't on point, he still would have got you because you got down to two of these fucking things.

[2231] Two little bottles of water, which is pretty amazing.

[2232] So you have to win tomorrow.

[2233] To win, you have to be two and a half pounds or more less than me. Yeah.

[2234] So you might be able to lose even more.

[2235] Like if you go fucking crazy today and you go Burke Christi.

[2236] So the thing is, you guys have narrowed it down.

[2237] This victory is down to 24 hours.

[2238] Yeah.

[2239] So, or less now.

[2240] But if you go fucking crazy and go full bert all day today, he's almost like he can't catch you.

[2241] He doesn't.

[2242] He doesn't have that gene.

[2243] Oh, but what is that gene?

[2244] That long strand DNA.

[2245] Mickey Mantle gene.

[2246] This nonsense gene.

[2247] This is just discipline.

[2248] I think it's the thing, like, like, I've thought about this a lot.

[2249] The thing that makes this contest interesting, is also the reason we like each other because he is very even keeled and I am fucking all over the map.

[2250] Yeah, and I'm kind of a combination of the both of you guys.

[2251] You definitely, you have the same brain I have about like the way you shoot bows and arrows and you're like, that's right, I'll just do that for three hours until I maybe need shoulder surgery or the way you shoot pool.

[2252] Like you're very like you get obsessed with things.

[2253] You're like, that's why I can't fuck with drawing anymore because I get obsessed with it.

[2254] I get like that.

[2255] Tom's so even killed.

[2256] Like the perfect example of our relationship is that first day where we were in Hawaii and I shaved your tits.

[2257] Yeah.

[2258] And it is the funniest, Joe, it is the funniest fucking thing I've ever been a part of in my life.

[2259] And he goes to Hawaii and he's like and he's out there.

[2260] I go, oh man, you know, Tom's hair I go, hey, why don't I shave your back for you?

[2261] And he's like, you think?

[2262] Yeah.

[2263] And so I start, yeah, I start Put the volume on this.

[2264] This is just, oh, don't put the volume, you can hear music on it.

[2265] Right.

[2266] Good friends, Charlie, in Laurel, standby in support, and you're shaving Tom's back.

[2267] I'm shaving his back.

[2268] And then at some point in this, and you can just skip ahead, at some point in this, I realize that Tom's tit hair connects with his underarm hair.

[2269] And I go, hey, buddy, why don't you here, pause right there?

[2270] I realize, I go, hey, man, let me hollow that out for you.

[2271] I go, you know, what I'll do is I'll trim out.

[2272] Contour it.

[2273] Contour it.

[2274] And make it so your tit has defined hair and your underarm has defined hair, but they're not connected like a werewolf and then I'll Caesar out your breasts like I'll do a Caesar I'll comb it down and I'll line it up so it looks like you're to find and he sold it like real serious I was like okay and by the way you got to Tom's earnest face staring at me as I do this and I'm close to it and I'm looking at him and I'm trimming it and then as I pull back I still see Tom's earnest face going does it look good and all I see it looks like his tits are wearing sunglasses and I realize This is our first of like seven days in Hawaii, and he's got to look like this the whole fucking time.

[2275] I've never seen him laugh this hard.

[2276] I thought I was having a stroke.

[2277] You know what's interesting?

[2278] Bert, you have less body hair back then.

[2279] Yeah, I know.

[2280] You've gained body hair as you got older.

[2281] That's even weirder.

[2282] What year is this?

[2283] 08.

[2284] How have you gained so much body hair in eight years?

[2285] I don't know.

[2286] Yeah, it's weird.

[2287] Wait, look at how serious Tom is.

[2288] Look at how serious Tom is.

[2289] Oh, no. Oh, you're going to throw up.

[2290] Look at them.

[2291] Watch.

[2292] It looks terrible.

[2293] Let me see.

[2294] It's why people shave their cocks because it makes their cock with bigger.

[2295] You shaved my titty.

[2296] Oh, are you going to have bigger tities.

[2297] Make a difference.

[2298] So what you did is you shaved under it, but you left the hair above it.

[2299] So it's like, you have like breastplates.

[2300] Yeah, it's like breastplates.

[2301] It is the, I've, I've never laughed that hard.

[2302] that whole trip is probably that's what me Tom and Push and Leanne became friends.

[2303] Well, that's what I knew we could be friends is because then our wives became good friends.

[2304] Yeah, that is hilarious what you did there.

[2305] Look at that.

[2306] That one looks normal.

[2307] So Tom, what year did you come to L .A.?

[2308] Oh, two.

[2309] So in six years you put on all that weight.

[2310] Yeah.

[2311] But I also that's how I graduated high school and went into college, like, that weight.

[2312] And then I lost all that weight.

[2313] How'd you do that?

[2314] Diet and exercise.

[2315] Really?

[2316] Yeah.

[2317] And then what made you abandon it?

[2318] It was slow.

[2319] It was a slow crawl.

[2320] Like, I got here.

[2321] I remember when I was working the night shift at a post -production place, it was like all the sudden, I mean, it wasn't all of a sudden, but like, you know.

[2322] Late -night food.

[2323] Late -night food, really weird hours, like staying up until 4 or 5 a .m. doing the graveyard shift, and then going to bed, and all of a sudden, you're like, I'm 225?

[2324] oh shit I thought I was 205 you know what I mean like you put on 20 pounds over the course of like a you know a couple shows in production right and you're not even thinking about it and then at that point 225 rolls into 230 real easy you know it's just it's a slow thing but it took I would say I got here in 2002 by 2005 I was 225 now you don't seem to be looking at the same way he's looking at it he's looking at it like this is like a race you hit the finish line and then you gorge and then the fucking party's over you seem to be like adjusting your life well i think i mean i definitely want to have a new like ceiling of what is you know an acceptable weight and i i definitely feel like this is a very livable way what i'm doing like for the last few months i mean this last week is a little crazier obviously but the last few the last month has been it hasn't been that that difficult And what, like, how much weight are you been losing a month?

[2325] Have you been noticing?

[2326] Yeah, I mean, this has been about 10 pounds to 12 pounds a month.

[2327] That's a lot, but it's doable.

[2328] It's doable and it's not, I'm not killing myself suffering to do it.

[2329] Like, I'm just on top of the eating, and I just, I do, I've been doing cardio about six days a week.

[2330] Now, if you get to a certain point, what do you do?

[2331] Like, are you going to, like, eat more?

[2332] Like, what, when, what's the weight where you go, okay.

[2333] I don't want to lose any more weight.

[2334] I think it's less about the number, even though we get so obsessed with the numbers, than like the way you feel about, you know?

[2335] Right, like especially if you start lifting weights again, and you put on a little bit weight, but your body fat's lower.

[2336] Yeah.

[2337] So, I mean, like, I'm trying not to be obsessed with the number, but I know, like, I would want to lose, if we were talking about the number, like 15 to 20 more pounds, which I think is...

[2338] Wow.

[2339] Really?

[2340] I think so.

[2341] I like to lose six pounds.

[2342] Six more.

[2343] I like to get to 215 and then maintain and eat healthy and eat clean.

[2344] But I also, you know, I mean, I can't lie about this and say, this is a lifestyle, like the people on the biggest loser.

[2345] Legit, I love, I love fucking hot wings.

[2346] I love hot wings.

[2347] I love Buffalo Wild Wings.

[2348] And I love the feeling of like, like, I remember I told you a long time ago that my weight loss program was to stop eating appetizers.

[2349] But like appetizers, I love when someone's like, make it rain appetizers.

[2350] I love that feeling.

[2351] And I miss Blimpie sandwiches.

[2352] I miss pizza.

[2353] My girls been eating pizza and I've been eating cauliflower.

[2354] pizza, which I like, but...

[2355] What's cauliflower pizza?

[2356] Oh, it's good.

[2357] You take 12 ounces of cauliflower, you steam it in the microwave for like four minutes, you dry it out, you put one egg in there, a third cup of mozzarella, like a fourth cup of parmesan, and you put it into a...

[2358] That's your crust, and then you put it in the oven.

[2359] Every slice is very low calories, because it's cauliflower.

[2360] All you're really eating is like a portion of an egg and some mozzarella.

[2361] It's really fucking good.

[2362] I'll make something if you want, and I'll bring it in tomorrow, and we can try it.

[2363] Yeah, I'll try I mean, I don't miss that many things, you know, food -wise.

[2364] The really hard thing for people is a shift in the way you live.

[2365] The shift.

[2366] Yeah.

[2367] Shift to what you think about.

[2368] I have a waffle date tomorrow with my wife.

[2369] You guys are having waffles?

[2370] Where are you going to go?

[2371] I found a place that...

[2372] In the morning?

[2373] First thing in the morning?

[2374] Yeah, right before the wind.

[2375] So wait, so wait, did you really didn't eat those cookies at all?

[2376] Not even...

[2377] I didn't even open the box.

[2378] He sent me cookies.

[2379] Discipline.

[2380] I sent him cookies from...

[2381] wins races.

[2382] Impulse doesn't win races.

[2383] Impulse does.

[2384] Impulse wins races.

[2385] But it didn't win today.

[2386] I know, but it definitely shocked the crowd.

[2387] Impulse, impulses get results, but they don't get the best results.

[2388] The best results are gone through discipline.

[2389] My managers got pissed about this whole weight loss thing.

[2390] Why?

[2391] I'm in the middle of a scripted deal, and I wasn't sending in scripts.

[2392] I was just fucking around with Tom.

[2393] And they're like, they call Leanne.

[2394] They're like, hey, he needs to They call your wife They're like back the fuck off of that They're like hey What's Bert is like Seems to be obsessed about this weight loss thing Like we've got a TV show we're trying to make Like and Leanne's like oh you don't understand Bert like he will never work on this TV show If you don't if you don't respect the fact that this is what he's focused on So what I was doing was I was setting up accounts It didn't work out right But I was setting up accounts at different food places So they could that fans could send Tom food And I was like I wasted a whole day And then I sent him these cookies that were amazing I sent them to my daughters.

[2395] They loved him.

[2396] I sent him from the rock to Tom, and Tom didn't even eat them.

[2397] He just gave him the fucking people working on his brand new $3 million house.

[2398] They're good cookies.

[2399] I want to try them when I get done.

[2400] You see, you're already thinking about wings and cookies and pizza and this and gorging and drinking.

[2401] I'm also thinking about long strand DNA, Mickey Mantoo Jean.

[2402] I can fight anybody.

[2403] I got that mentality, bro.

[2404] I just can't lose.

[2405] I'm different.

[2406] Everybody wants to think they're different.

[2407] But everybody does.

[2408] Everybody does.

[2409] Including the people that you think you're different from, they think they're different.

[2410] Everybody thinks they're different.

[2411] That's what gets people knock the fuck out.

[2412] That's hashtag fear the return.

[2413] That's what that is.

[2414] No, I'm not thinking.

[2415] For real, that's like Rhonda Rousey's idea was that she's different than everybody.

[2416] You know, everybody, I'm the best in the world.

[2417] Like, the people love to have that.

[2418] And sometimes you win, and you really do feel like you are that.

[2419] But the reality is, you are a skeleton and some fucking.

[2420] and you're run by a central nervous system and your brain has a whole bunch of defense mechanisms that are designed to protect you from reality and one of those is that it decides I'm different than these motherfuckers yeah yeah of course don't you fucking agree with him just because you're sitting there but you know it's true I know that I know that's how you think it's a real it's a problem I knew that he was like I'm gonna run 28 miles well how many people do you know how many people like especially beautiful girls how many beautiful girls just think they're fucking special because they're super we're talking about that we were talking about that today about the um the the the horror and the danger of daddies that especially that kind of you know push the princess ideal on their girls and that make them think that they're so special and then that girl kind of seeks that out you know and and believes that and then what the type of guy that does go for that usually if he's romantically is basically a paternal figure to that girl if he's going to still see her as a princess you know princesses are weird that is a weird thing that everybody wants to be a princess it's so weird and you see you start to see that it's fucked up actually I remember being in high school and like seeing girls who are like I'm the most special and you go like you better respect that I'm the most special if you don't someone will and I'm going to find that guy yeah and that'll be like a second daddy team I am more important than anything in your life, period.

[2421] You have to carve out time for me. You've had that speech, huh?

[2422] Oh, yeah, the carve -out time for me speech.

[2423] I ran into a chick one time that I think you'd had relations with.

[2424] How dare you?

[2425] Well, it's not even discuss it then.

[2426] Off the air.

[2427] I've had too many bad situations in my life where someone thinks they're special.

[2428] Yeah.

[2429] It gets the, at a certain point in time, you have to blame yourself for getting involved at those people, though.

[2430] Well, let's work this backwards.

[2431] Like, I think Cameron Haynes, the ability that he can run those ultramarathons, that's special.

[2432] Yeah, but if you meet that guy, let me tell you something.

[2433] He would be the last person to call himself special.

[2434] He's all disciplined.

[2435] We could agree that him, a guy like him, or like Connor McGregor.

[2436] Let me give you a Cameron Haynes speech.

[2437] Cameron Haynes was about 180 plus, okay, like lifting weights, all that jazz.

[2438] And he wanted to run the 200 miles.

[2439] So what he did was he got down to 100.

[2440] 165, and the way he did it was burning 3 ,000 calories, eating 2 ,000 calories.

[2441] So he never stopped working out.

[2442] He was running like a fucking maniac, and he let his body eat itself.

[2443] So he just shrunk.

[2444] I got watched it happen, and all of a sudden he's in front of me. Like he looks very, very skinny, but still yoked a little.

[2445] Well, he's getting more, and he's a little thicker now, put on a little bit more weight.

[2446] But when he was running the 205 miles, when he ran that Bigfoot, seven feet.

[2447] 78 fucking hours ran 205 miles.

[2448] I couldn't do that.

[2449] Exactly.

[2450] That's a discipline thing.

[2451] That's the difference between that long strand DNA.

[2452] The people that think they're special and a guy like him, he doesn't think he's special at all.

[2453] He thinks the only thing about him that separates him from everybody else is that he works harder.

[2454] That's it.

[2455] But how does one do a hundred mile?

[2456] I mean, like, I don't even...

[2457] He's a maniac.

[2458] When you start off...

[2459] Does your body break the fuck down?

[2460] He's talked about it, how he started it.

[2461] off, like, doing like 10Ks, you know, and then, you know, you feel like, well, maybe I should do a marathon.

[2462] And then you start doing a marathon.

[2463] Yeah.

[2464] And then you do a marathon, then I want to win a marathon.

[2465] And then you start, he beat Lance Armstrong in the Boston Marathon.

[2466] Oh, my God.

[2467] Yeah, he's a fucking animal, dude.

[2468] You know, I did a 10K on accident?

[2469] How did you just do it?

[2470] Dude, I went to, I went to Cincinnati for.

[2471] I have a visual of you with all your bags off the plane and everyone's running and you start running with them and you drop me back going, where are we?

[2472] Where are we going?

[2473] Where are we going?

[2474] Why am I doing this?

[2475] I went to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving, and not this year.

[2476] It was a couple of years back, and I got there, and most of the, my cousins, our stuff are pretty fit, and they're like, hey, we're doing the, I was like there the day, we're doing the 10K tomorrow, and then we're, you know, we'll regroup, and then we'll come over here, and then we'll go over to this aunt's house, and I was like, oh, yeah, and like, do you want to do it and I didn't have the um like just admit that I didn't know what a 10 was so I just said yeah I didn't realize what I was doing and I was like yeah I'll do that and then I showed up with zero point zero training like nothing and I just go and I was like how far is this and they're like it's about 3 .1 miles and I was like oh shit because I'm 250 pounds and I was like this is going to be bad right and I just the thing is like the crowd helps you know because there's so many people but there's stretches where there's nobody yeah there's stretches where there's nobody and the thing like I finished it and I was like wow you know I thought I felt like I ran two marathons you know like it was so much further than I'd run since fucking middle school it's like six miles I think it was it's six miles yeah yeah okay oh five case three one a 10 case six yeah so I did fucking six miles and and then it was that the next couple days agony pains I've never like in the hips you know like hip pains and uh we tried to go to a movie like as a family group and I couldn't sit I was like I got I gotta get out of here like oh my god because the pain was just like I couldn't move you gotta build up to stuff yeah we me and Fultron were in it was a shock 10K you know me and Fultram were in Omaha and uh I get I go on I'm trying to be helped and I go on radio and I said, I'm looking for a 5K.

[2477] If anyone's got a 5K, hit me up, I'm going to run it this weekend.

[2478] And so this guy reaches out to me and he's like, hey, I got a brewery 5K.

[2479] I was like, right up my alley.

[2480] So I hit up Fultron Friday night and it goes tomorrow morning we're running a brewery 5K.

[2481] And Fultron's like what?

[2482] We run from brewery to brewery.

[2483] I go, yeah, you run brewery, brewery.

[2484] It's like a bar crawl, but you kill beers the whole time.

[2485] It's perfect.

[2486] Have like five beers, run a 5K, go home, take a nap, do two shows.

[2487] This will be great.

[2488] My favorite part is that he goes perfect.

[2489] Like that sounds ideal to anybody So horrible So Voltron and I get there And everyone's at the brewery And everyone's drinking and we're like fuck it Let's start killing beers now It's like 10 in the morning Races at like noon So we start killing beers We have like five beers And then we're like all right everyone line up And we line up We notice that everyone's dressed In like hardcore sports gear and we're not And we're like god damn it man They're really taking this serious And we're like what's the first bar we stop at And they're like no bar it's a fucking 5K and so Fultron and I did a 5K drunk at like a noon and by the way we beat half of the fucking field drunk drunk so the brewery that's where it started at the brewery and it ended at the brewery it was a big circle to the brewery did everybody else drink to?

[2490] No one drank except for us everyone's like man you're really putting them back we're like well want to be a part of the team well you're probably fueled up I mean there's a lot of calories in beer and there's also carbohydrates you know all the absolutely barley and all that jazz The very beginning when they shoot the gun.

[2491] Perfect fuel for a race.

[2492] But don't people do that?

[2493] Yeah, you're a runner.

[2494] Don't people, after running, don't they like to drink beer for recovery?

[2495] No, I absolutely don't think so.

[2496] They used to do it.

[2497] Google it.

[2498] Google it.

[2499] They used to do it in the Tour de France.

[2500] Really?

[2501] In the Tour de France, they would stop and drink big, heavy beers.

[2502] Yeah, I would imagine there's like a lot of calories in that.

[2503] A lot of calories, I think it thins your blood.

[2504] It would make you crash a little bit, though.

[2505] like drain you i definitely don't feel like working out when i'm drunk no are you serious i've done it wait tell us about coke working out if we forgot about that is that good yeah it's really amazing here we go the health benefits here are a few reasons just by a pint to after you run the health benefits of beer make that a little larger please so i can get that although most runners agree that beer is not exactly a health food there's good news for those of us who like to imbibe downing a few cold ones as you're heading out the door for a run is obviously Not the best choice, but beer in moderation can be a perfectly acceptable option for after -run or on non -training days.

[2506] Hmm.

[2507] There you go.

[2508] Yeah, one of my favorite things doing is on the road, especially when I was working on travel channels, going right back to the hotel after dinner and after drinking and getting into the gym and working out.

[2509] Really?

[2510] I love getting on the treadmill with a glass.

[2511] I've talked to you about this.

[2512] I would like to know what drunk feels like to you.

[2513] I feel like...

[2514] Very different than what it feels like to everyone else.

[2515] Yeah?

[2516] Yeah, and I had a conversation.

[2517] oddly enough with a 10 -year -old yesterday about being hung over so I guess he was...

[2518] Let me tell you how it's done he was like don't you feel sick that's the other problem I have is I don't really feel sick when I don't, after I drink I don't get hung over You're a good drunk by the way I'm like I don't think any that's the other problem is no one can ever tell him drunk I remember one time when we were in Hawaii actually I remember specifically that he had been drinking for like 15 hours and it was like so many beers and then liquor and then beers and he's in our room and I was like dude like how are you not you're okay he's like I'm fucking hammered I was like but you look fine he's like oh definitely not not even close to fine right now but if he didn't tell me that I would not know anything as my wife always says I can't I cannot tell when you've been drinking but because it's every day no that's the other thing I think there's a lot of you know the the pomp of what I am I think people think I'm one thing.

[2519] I'm not.

[2520] How often do you drink booze?

[2521] How many days a week?

[2522] Not right now, not at all, but...

[2523] But you say vodka sodas.

[2524] Yeah, but people's...

[2525] Even if I go on stage, I went to stage one time in Philly, I didn't feel well, and I just brought a soda water on stage.

[2526] Right.

[2527] And everyone's like, kill it!

[2528] And I was like, there's nothing in it.

[2529] And then they're like, oh, really?

[2530] And you're like, yeah, they're like, oh, we thought you were hammered.

[2531] And you're like, no, I'm just a regular bar.

[2532] I don't like going on stage drunk, personally.

[2533] I don't like being drunk on stage.

[2534] I like stand -up comedy.

[2535] That's what I got into.

[2536] but it's also a part of my personality is everything is a joke I want people to be entertained like this whole weight loss thing is supposed to be fun I want people to get a kick out of it I could definitely have stopped drinking and been a bore and just been like I think I could I could definitely take him but I like the fun of just going fuck it I'm going balls to the wall I'm sure it's fine but how many days a week do you think you drink definitely three that just it no but I'm saying definitely three so you drink less than you don't drink no I probably drink more than I Don't drink.

[2537] So that's not three.

[2538] Well, yeah.

[2539] This stuff feels like an intervention.

[2540] No, just curious.

[2541] Probably.

[2542] Bert, I remember when we were the closest of friends.

[2543] I remember.

[2544] He's reading.

[2545] It's like a poem.

[2546] Shit.

[2547] You were a good father and I loved seeing you playing with your children.

[2548] Let's take a look at this week.

[2549] I drank New Year's Eve.

[2550] But I wanted to.

[2551] I only had two drinks and I spent the night in a hotel.

[2552] I didn't want to drive home because I thought the roads would be crazy.

[2553] So I drank New Year's Eve, didn't drink yesterday at the Rams game, didn't drink today, I'll drink tomorrow, and then I get on a plane in New Jersey on the stress factory, I'll drink there.

[2554] So maybe I'll drink five of the seven nights or four of the seven nights, five of, but that's an unusual day because you're cutting back in order to lose weight.

[2555] Yeah, but if I'm home with the girls, there's no reason for me to drink.

[2556] Right.

[2557] Like if I'm home, I like a good night's sleep.

[2558] I like waking up and being active I like going ice skating with them I want to do a podcast You know a lot of times people come on my podcast and be like I want to do a shot with the machine And you're like I never not let them have that So of course And I count that as a drinking day But I'll have one shot But that wouldn't affect me It doesn't have I don't know my man I'm different It's like how often you smoke pot You like to think that though No I'm different no I'm different thing I like I'm different than everybody Doesn't everyone think they're fucking different I definitely don't You don't?

[2559] No No, that's it.

[2560] By the way, hey, by the way, I hate to be the one to tell you this.

[2561] You're the most different human being that any of us fucking know.

[2562] And there you go.

[2563] And I'm not even different.

[2564] So there you go.

[2565] Are you going to sit here and let Joe tell, how many podcasts do you do a week?

[2566] How much jujitsu?

[2567] How much working out?

[2568] How much stand up?

[2569] Your productivity rate is off the charts.

[2570] Everyone says, how does Rogan do it?

[2571] And I just go, he's different.

[2572] You are different than me. I do it to keep from going crazy.

[2573] But it's my mental problem is that if I don't have things to do, I'm not happy.

[2574] I just figured out a long time ago in order for me to be happy I have to be exhausted and busy I have to be burnt out from working out like not burnt out but I have to even myself out and I have to have puzzles I have to have things to solve That's a good thing I think being busy makes definitely me feel better Yeah you feel like you get The worst feeling is I'm feeling like a lazy bitch It's not doing shit Your level Honestly though and he's right among it is it does seem off off the charts like to do like three like three hour podcast do jujitsu do your bow hunting do fucking pool be with your store every night be at the store be having new material at the store like I don't think I've seen you repeat anything at the store in the fucking past month I've been there like it's off the charts well that's just because I just did a special you know once I release the special yeah me too I'm still doing the same shit Yeah, you got to chip away at new stuff Or people get mad at you You know Yeah, but I'm still doing the new stuff I'm working on new stuff I see with brand new stuff Every fucking time You are, look I got a right buddy Got a write I don't write like that Discipline I do too I write the other way too I feel like you have to write like that I think a lot of people I mean I don't tell people What to do Because a lot of people Don't like to write this way But I feel like This sitting out In front of a fucking computer With nothing but writing On my mind It enhances my ability to write on stage and it gives me tools that I can use to ad lib and do it the other way as well I think it's true there's a thing that people say oh I write on stage well I do too I do who everybody does a lot of people write on stage but I think you should write in front of a fucking notebook too I have a hard time with that everybody does I do too no but I mean like I mean it doesn't it doesn't inspire me creatively to sit you don't it's because you got to do it it's like a discipline no I've done it.

[2575] I've definitely done it.

[2576] It just, like, for me, if I'm being dead serious, if I take a walk, my brain will start working.

[2577] That's fine, too, as long as you dedicate specific time to writing.

[2578] I mean, if it's just like a walking thing and then you talk into a microphone, that to me is, it's, you know, you can call it writing.

[2579] Like, if I'm sitting in front of a computer, I'm writing, you know, in air quotes.

[2580] But if you're walking and you talk to your phone, you have an idea and you record it, that's writing too.

[2581] It's just creativity.

[2582] Yeah, I do that.

[2583] But you have to, my thinking is the more time you spend forcing yourself, like right now is the desperate times because my special was just released and I'm doing, you know, I did New Year's and I'm doing these big shows and I'm doing an hour.

[2584] And I got to have new fucking shit.

[2585] And some of it is on like colt legs.

[2586] Some of my new materials are like, like some of it's alive.

[2587] Some of it's killing.

[2588] Some of it's like new stuff that's doing really well.

[2589] And other stuff is like, every time I do it is like, it's time.

[2590] It's going to work tonight?

[2591] Am I going to find a new way to do it?

[2592] Right.

[2593] Am I going to, and then sometimes out of nowhere, I'm just taking a chance, and I'm going the wrong way.

[2594] I take a chance, and I start talking.

[2595] I'll do the punchline first, or I'll do this part, you know, the strongest part of it leading into the weakest part of it.

[2596] Like, for no reason.

[2597] I just take this crazy chance to try, and I know, while I'm doing it, I'm like, fuck.

[2598] Yeah.

[2599] How are you going to dig yourself out of this hole?

[2600] But that's what gets you through it.

[2601] Well, the only way that gets you through it is, like, a lot of sets.

[2602] Yeah.

[2603] You just got to keep hammering sets.

[2604] And then every mistake you make from that, you apply to the next set.

[2605] And then six months down the line, you have a real hour that you can put in a special.

[2606] No, wait.

[2607] Let's talk about that then real quickly because I agree with you.

[2608] I think you got to be on stage and be doing it.

[2609] Like, that's why I love weekends at clubs because you get six sets in.

[2610] They're the best.

[2611] And you're like, I got it.

[2612] I've said that to my manager recently.

[2613] I'm like, what I want to do?

[2614] Like, they're like, they want to book me. Because I can sell out these big ass places now.

[2615] I'm like, I want to do clubs.

[2616] I want to do more clubs.

[2617] like especially right now i want to do four shows in a weekend you know i want to do shows that's the way to do it man those four shows in a 200 seat room that's that's that's where it's at but let's talk timeline with both of you guys uh because i think you've done what three hours now uh i've recorded for so i'm working on my fifth but do you think six months is too quick to turn around an hour or like for production yes no no i meant i meant meaning for you writing wise because like right now I have a new hour, but I go, I don't know, I feel like I want it to breathe.

[2618] I want to, you know, I want to give it another eight months and see how good it is.

[2619] That's what I would do.

[2620] Let it grow.

[2621] Because I don't know about.

[2622] What are you guys doing Wednesday?

[2623] You guys around on Wednesday?

[2624] I fly to New Jersey.

[2625] What are you doing?

[2626] Want to do the ice house if you're around?

[2627] What is it?

[2628] Wednesday.

[2629] You me and Ron White.

[2630] Hala.

[2631] Hala at your boy.

[2632] Oh, shit.

[2633] Bitches.

[2634] Fuck.

[2635] I'll see you guys stress factory.

[2636] I'm missing.

[2637] I'm in Kansas City this weekend.

[2638] Oh.

[2639] When do you leave?

[2640] You doing helium?

[2641] No. Kansas City?

[2642] Yeah.

[2643] That's in St. Louis.

[2644] I thought they have a helium in Kansas City.

[2645] No, I'm doing the improv.

[2646] Improv.

[2647] Oh, improv Kansas City.

[2648] I'm doing the Wilbur January 21st, so if you'd like to come see me in a theater, which is very seldom.

[2649] I'm not a big theater guy because I don't think my act translates.

[2650] That's a way to sell tickets, Bert.

[2651] Well, the Wilbur is the best theater ever because it's super shallow.

[2652] Oh, really?

[2653] Because there's three stacks.

[2654] It's like having three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other.

[2655] It's amazing.

[2656] The Wilbur in Boston is fucking amazing.

[2657] Well, go get tickets, guys.

[2658] January 21st.

[2659] I'll be there.

[2660] That's a good spot.

[2661] All right, let's wrap this bitch up So tomorrow, 11 o 'clock in the morning We're going to find out Is it going to be the water champ Or is it going to be the machine?

[2662] The machinist The machinist So tune in tomorrow Hashtag who is fat week Do we shave the beer right away?

[2663] Oh, fuck yeah Start it off And then we party Well, I'm gonna bring in I actually purchased a electric shaver So I'm bringing in a brand new Electric Shaver So I'm bringing in a brand new electric shaver So nobody has to worry about AIDS Like trimmers?

[2664] Yeah Put the clipper thing I bought, I ordered a barber's cape, so.

[2665] Oh, beautiful.

[2666] Hey, do you have a sponsorship for Dollar Shave Club tomorrow?

[2667] Yes, I do.

[2668] Well, Dollar Shave Club is my sponsor.

[2669] It's on sponsors to the podcast, but we'll give them a free one tomorrow.

[2670] I've always wanted to use the razors.

[2671] I've had them on my podcast.

[2672] They're fucking great.

[2673] You're fucking going to.

[2674] Do you like I'm only submitted?

[2675] Yeah, yeah, you're going to.

[2676] There's stuff called Dr. Carver's easy shave butter.

[2677] Have you ever used that?

[2678] Oh, I've never, I've been shaved in 12 years.

[2679] Oh, that's right.

[2680] You haven't.

[2681] What about your balls?

[2682] No?

[2683] You know what?

[2684] I got so fat.

[2685] It was a lot of guesswork, so I stopped.

[2686] And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow 11 a .m. Pacific, we will see you.

[2687] Bye.

[2688] I love you.

[2689] Mw -w -la -w -w -w -w -w -m -law.

[2690] By the way, that was one of the bad podcasts I've ever been.