Ricky Gervais

[0] Hi, I'm Ricky Jabez.

[1] And I feel strangely underwhelmed about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] It's here, hear the yell, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[6] Our podcast continues.

[7] Despite this insane pandemic, we're all experiencing right now.

[8] We're able to do this because we're all connected through the Ethernet.

[9] That's right.

[10] I said Ethernet.

[11] You just learned that like two minutes ago, and now you're casually dropping it in.

[12] I have it pinned to my jacket with a safety pin, the word Ethernet, the way a mother puts a note on a child's ski jacket that says, be nice to my boy, which is actually a note, my mom pinned to my jacket, be nice to my boy, about two years ago.

[13] No, she did.

[14] She pinned a note to her.

[15] I remember that.

[16] It had a giant safety pin.

[17] It was like, be nice to my boy.

[18] And she sent me off to nursery school, and I was savagely beaten.

[19] And then they took the safety pin off, and they stabbed me with it.

[20] So thanks to mom who's out there.

[21] She would be listening, but she doesn't know how podcasts work.

[22] So anyway, we're continuing on.

[23] We're all from our different locations, but we're able to connect through technology.

[24] I'm joined by my stalwart companion.

[25] Some say my soulmate, not in a romantic way.

[26] Are you talking about me?

[27] No, no, no. Matt, I was going to get to you, but you couldn't take it, could you?

[28] No, I miss your tender touch.

[29] Yes.

[30] Yes.

[31] You're my tender touch.

[32] Sona's my soulmate.

[33] Nope.

[34] Yes.

[35] My wife, of course, the mother of my children.

[36] And I call her the tolerator.

[37] My wife is the tolerator.

[38] That's her position in the hierarchy.

[39] She's the grand tolerator.

[40] But Sona, Sona, I do think of you as my soulmate.

[41] I think we're connected in many ways that are hard to explain.

[42] Well, what do you think you are?

[43] I don't feel that at all.

[44] I think I'm your employee.

[45] I think you're employee, really?

[46] Yeah.

[47] No, I think we're friends.

[48] Okay, because employee implies that I pay you and then you do things for me. Oh.

[49] That's where that whole system breaks down.

[50] We're friends.

[51] We're pals.

[52] Trying to keep us laugh going on too long.

[53] It's, nope.

[54] I'm testing, I'm keeping my lungs healthy.

[55] They say I saw an interview the other day that said you're supposed to keep your lungs healthy during this coronavirus.

[56] So I find the best thing to do is laugh at people who work for me. They're in excellent health.

[57] There you go.

[58] Lungs are working fine.

[59] Speaking of people I love to laugh at and not with.

[60] Matt Gourley, our producer, is with us.

[61] Matt, good to see you.

[62] Hey, I feel like you're my sole nemesis.

[63] Oh, that's not true.

[64] I have so many nemesi that I...

[65] Nemesum.

[66] Nemoses.

[67] I'll say this, Matt, sincerely, you don't, you're not up there.

[68] I don't consider you a nemesis.

[69] I was talking about how I see you, not how you see me. Oh.

[70] Why are you so angry at me?

[71] I think I'm a good guy.

[72] I, before I came along, you were nothing in the podcast world.

[73] Nothing.

[74] Your name was mud.

[75] You had been, you were in, world in scandal when I came along.

[76] Podcast scandal.

[77] What was my podcast scandal?

[78] God, where do we begin?

[79] You were, remember the time that you were caught not improvising correctly on air?

[80] Oh, Jesus.

[81] Jesus, look who's talking.

[82] A fringe comedian laid out some funny information, and you denied it.

[83] You said, no, that's not true.

[84] No, I didn't do that.

[85] You did.

[86] Yeah, there you go.

[87] No, you've been accused many times of many crimes in podcast history, but that's not important.

[88] The important thing is that this podcast was today is airing on April 20th.

[89] Or 20, as Sona likes to call it, and then she, well, you make your peace sign and you twirl around and smoke an imaginary duby, I suppose.

[90] Imaginary.

[91] Yeah, okay.

[92] Anyway, it's April 20th, but this has been taped several weeks before.

[93] I bring this up for a reason, which is this is going to air, you're hearing it right now on or after April 20th, which means that my birthday, which we all know, say it together, listeners, April 18th, that is past.

[94] That is past, which means I'm assuming I've been given wonderful gifts by Sonam of Sessian and Matt Goreley.

[95] And I'm just going to act like I got those gifts and I really love them.

[96] Sona, that is, what a fantastic gift you gave me. It was just absolutely stunning the gift you gave me. At first, I thought it was such a small box.

[97] I thought this can't be much.

[98] I opened it up.

[99] It's car keys tied to a silk string.

[100] I follow the string outside, and there it is.

[101] A rare, may only made one, 2007 Bugatti.

[102] I looked in...

[103] 2007.

[104] Yeah, 2007.

[105] They made one, and it was so good.

[106] They decided to never make another one, and they killed all the people who had been working on it, just to make sure it could never be replicated.

[107] It's called the Blood Bugatti, because they had to kill everyone involved.

[108] But I looked it up and it's worth like $6 million.

[109] Oh, wow.

[110] And Sona and her husband apparently sold their home in Altadena.

[111] Uh -huh.

[112] And in a very inflated price and then bought me this gift.

[113] So thank you for that, Sona.

[114] You're welcome for your Bugatti.

[115] I can't believe in your fantasy I gave you a 13 -year -old car.

[116] I don't know why that would be something special, but you're welcome.

[117] Well, you couldn't afford the new Bugatti.

[118] But it's the blood Bugatti, the one that they wanted there to be just one.

[119] So every Italian man working on it was murdered in a gas.

[120] station parking lot.

[121] Matt Gourley, I want to thank you for your gift.

[122] My pleasure.

[123] Your gift was absolutely extraordinary and very, very thoughtful.

[124] You know, most people don't like a fruit cake, but especially a stale fruit cake.

[125] I wish you would ask me, do I like a fruit cake?

[126] Apparently, no one does.

[127] I do not, but still it was very thoughtful of you to even remember my birthday.

[128] April 18th, that's right.

[129] Listeners, say it with me. It's pretty much a national holiday.

[130] Oh my God.

[131] Wait, he got you a fruitcake and I got you a Bugatti.

[132] Well, he aimed low.

[133] You aimed high and, you know, I like them both.

[134] You know, I did drive the Bugatti around yesterday.

[135] I drove it around Pacific Coast Highway at about 400 miles an hour.

[136] I drew a face on the bun cake and put it in the passenger side so that it looked like a child, a child with a skin condition.

[137] And then I was allowed to drive in the carpool lane.

[138] And there's not a lot of people that are driving right now.

[139] So I had a good time.

[140] Well, happy birthday.

[141] Yeah, you're welcome for that gift.

[142] And I'm homeless now.

[143] Is that what happened?

[144] Okay.

[145] No, don't be silly.

[146] I just, I'm going to be very honest with the viewer.

[147] Viewer.

[148] You could be very honest.

[149] Be honest with yourself.

[150] Okay, I'm going to be very honest with all of you that I'm working from home.

[151] I'm not the most tech savvy guy in the world.

[152] And I accidentally laid my script of ad copy and stuff down on top of my computer.

[153] and the window that was showing all of you disappeared, and I don't know how to get you back.

[154] Just click on the Zoom thing.

[155] Isn't that?

[156] This is me being honest.

[157] We're all flipping you off right now.

[158] Oh, that's great.

[159] Well, that's mature.

[160] That's mature.

[161] Buntcake giver.

[162] No, I don't see you guys anywhere.

[163] I don't know how to get you back.

[164] I think it's over.

[165] Conan, go to click on your Zoom icon.

[166] Oh, I see you now.

[167] All right.

[168] Well, I am very, very happy about our guest today.

[169] He's an absolutely hilarious comedian.

[170] He's an actor, a writer, a producer.

[171] He co -created the Emmy Award -winning series, The Office.

[172] He's also a five -time host of the Golden Globes and is currently starring in the Netflix series Afterlife.

[173] Now, let me point out, I did tape this interview a little while ago.

[174] I actually flew to London.

[175] This was all before the pandemic.

[176] And I met this gentleman at his offices in northern London.

[177] Just before I met up with him, I was sitting in a pub and I had a scotch egg.

[178] If you ever had a scotch egg, you know not to do that ever again.

[179] Anyway, it was really fun to sit down and talk with him and try and mind -meld.

[180] I'm thrilled that he's on our podcast today.

[181] Ricky Jervais.

[182] You are one of the most famous people in the world.

[183] You're loved all over the world.

[184] You're watched five nights a week.

[185] week okay um you're one of the greatest writers of the greatest show ever oh the simpsons yeah right and you'd think oh my god that'd be amazing to be friends with conan but it isn't it's not we're still um we're not young but uh you know what i mean we're relatively young i like to read up a lot here's what i do 25 years ago we'd be dead yes it's like to medical science and here's the thing if you and i had died if i had died uh if i had died uh at 45 in any other period of history.

[186] There'd be no explanation as to why I died.

[187] No. They'd say Conan O 'Brien died.

[188] He was 45.

[189] No one would say what happened.

[190] No. Because everybody died.

[191] Of course.

[192] People died constantly.

[193] Yeah.

[194] Now it's made people say when the actor Jack Klugman, you know he is?

[195] Yeah.

[196] Jack Klugman from the odd couple.

[197] Yeah, great.

[198] He smoked and drank and did everything he wanted in life.

[199] Then he had multiple battles with throat cancer, survived them, could barely speak, lived another 40 years and then he died at like 95 and I called my brother Neil and I said Neil uh Jack Klugman died and Neil went what happened what happened what happened it's a man he was he outlived everybody what happened he lived on three generations of caveman yeah it's like when they and you notice on the New York Times when they write an obituary they say so -and -so died at the age of 103 they never say why they just yeah of a digging you know it could be in a motorcycle accident, but they don't say.

[200] No, they don't, you don't need it.

[201] Because your time was up.

[202] I'm at that age now where I might get a, oh, that's, that's too young.

[203] They won't really mean it.

[204] Do you know what I mean?

[205] Right, right.

[206] They just go, oh, that's, um, that's, uh, yeah, that's, that's too early.

[207] He had, he could have had a little more time.

[208] He had another three years.

[209] But he had plenty.

[210] Yeah.

[211] I want to make it clear to anyone listening right now that I cross the pond to come see you.

[212] Yeah.

[213] And I know that you're, you know.

[214] Lazy?

[215] You're lazy.

[216] You're in America all the time and always within 100 feet of me. But you said you'd prefer to talk to me in London.

[217] And I said, okay.

[218] I said, we're here right now.

[219] I remember, and we were actually right near recording equipment.

[220] And you said you had nothing else to do that day.

[221] Right.

[222] And you said you'd still prefer it if I flew 10 hours and came to London.

[223] Right.

[224] None of that is true.

[225] No, little of what I say is true.

[226] Yeah, I mostly live in London.

[227] I do, I go to LA a couple of times a year for either award shows or, you know, I, whatever.

[228] And we, when we cross paths, I always do your show.

[229] You were here anyway, being, what are you getting some sort of silly honor or doing?

[230] I was not getting any kind of honor.

[231] What were you doing?

[232] That was something you did.

[233] I spoke at the Oxford Union.

[234] Oh, yeah.

[235] And what they do when they invite you is they say, Churchill spoke here.

[236] Yeah.

[237] Malcolm X spoke here.

[238] Gandhi, they have this long list of amazing people.

[239] Then you accept and you go, and they give you the list of who also spoke there.

[240] And it's a hideous list.

[241] They didn't tell me that one.

[242] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[243] Stormy Daniels, you know.

[244] Seriously, that's not even a joke.

[245] Stormy Daniels spoke there.

[246] Everything goes downhill, though.

[247] You see, I've got a theory, right?

[248] Because of social media and how everyone's, eventually we get to hear everyone's true feelings or thoughts or, right?

[249] So I think any of these people in history that we think are amazing, if they were on Twitter, they'd be hated in six months.

[250] Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[251] Do you know what I mean?

[252] Marrily Monroe would be treated like a Kardashian or whatever.

[253] Nothing wrong with the Kardashians, but you know what I mean?

[254] Yes.

[255] They'd soon do a tweet when they were drunk.

[256] Oh, my God, they're awful.

[257] Yeah.

[258] It doesn't matter who it was.

[259] Gandhi, Churchill, anything.

[260] I always thought, you know, people used to talk about, oh, if Abraham Lincoln He's considered in America the greatest American.

[261] If Abraham Lincoln could come back today, what wise words would he say about the state of the union?

[262] And I've always said, first of all, he'd come back and in his peripheral vision, he would see a TV on in the corner.

[263] And he would say, what's that?

[264] And they'd say, well, we'll get to that in a second, you know, Mr. President, Lincoln's 16th martyred president.

[265] Can we first talk about what your state changes?

[266] Hold on a second.

[267] And he would go and he would start watching TV.

[268] And then he would only want to binge watch.

[269] TV.

[270] And then he would be laughing his ass off.

[271] It's stuff you and I hate.

[272] Shows that you and I have no respect for.

[273] Of course.

[274] And then he'd be saying, have you seen this?

[275] Have you seen you know, and it would be some reality show that's just awful.

[276] And he'd say, have you seen this?

[277] This Love Island is fantastic.

[278] And you'd say, well, Mr. President, he'd be like, hold on, hold on.

[279] You think he's going to shag her?

[280] Is he going to?

[281] But also, let's not forget, if you go back, if you go back a few years, anyone coming now wouldn't be woke enough for anyone.

[282] Right.

[283] They'd suddenly say something really racist or sexist.

[284] No, Lincoln would say like, oh, look at the rack on her.

[285] And you'd be like, Mr. President, you'd be like, I'm sorry.

[286] When I lived, we all died at 11, and we were allowed to comment on other people's body.

[287] No, he would be, he'd be revered for eight hours and then he'd.

[288] Yeah, well, I think that that's it now, isn't it?

[289] That people, it's almost acceptable for everyone to do a little bit of living their life like an open wound.

[290] You think, oh, why not?

[291] You could cut to so many things of mine that didn't.

[292] work out that aren't that good so i have to oh i've got a list no i saw your list as i came in it's a book it's a book now i'm going to get it bound i saw volume eight i saw you flip me through volume eight conan's shit work and i was like oh he's got the complete set uh no but i totally agree with you and and i think that i've got a reputation as sort of like a a shock jock or i don't care what i say or you know i don't care about people's feelings which is it's that's totally untrue.

[293] Every joke.

[294] And I think it comes from, you know, stand up with it.

[295] It's, context is everything.

[296] Even the Golden Globes, you know, I go after people's public behavior that bad.

[297] I don't, I don't really go after, you know, and, uh, no, you're right.

[298] I've got to be able to do it in front of them and face them after.

[299] Otherwise, I think it's cowardice.

[300] If someone did get their feelings hurt and you heard about it, my assumption is it wouldn't just completely bounce off of you.

[301] No. It would bother you.

[302] It would bother me. It would bother you.

[303] This is the problem as well.

[304] You know, 10 years ago, if I made a joke and someone said, I'm offended, I'd think about it.

[305] I'd look into it.

[306] Now it's meaningless.

[307] Now the people that are offended at anything have made that meaningless.

[308] Right.

[309] And in a way, I've always tried to make my jokes bulletproof.

[310] But now there's this, you've got to try and make them bulletproof for 10 years' time, which is impossible.

[311] Right.

[312] Do you know what I mean?

[313] It's like now people are going back and trying to get people cancelled for 10 -year -old tweets.

[314] And you know, that doesn't count.

[315] You know, John Wayne was cancelled 40 years after his death.

[316] Right.

[317] For not being woken up.

[318] And he's very upset about it.

[319] He's very upset about it.

[320] So you can't worry about that.

[321] But how would I feel about that?

[322] Is that justified?

[323] What are they doing sitting at home?

[324] Is it their baby?

[325] Will they find it funny as well?

[326] I tease lots of people in entertainment.

[327] And again, I'm still not.

[328] judging them, you know, we all screw up.

[329] I try and, you know, turn the spotlight on me as well when I do those things.

[330] But I think people, people want a war.

[331] They want a feud.

[332] Yeah.

[333] That's what they want.

[334] You know, it reminds me the analogy I came up with a couple of years ago.

[335] It occurred to me. Chemical reactions are all about heat.

[336] Like, heat creates chemical reactions.

[337] And I realized, Oh, that's the media.

[338] You've got to warm thumbs up to make things happen.

[339] I saw a headline once about me. I can't remember what it was.

[340] But I said, that's not true.

[341] And they said, no, but it's explained in the article.

[342] Yeah.

[343] Yeah, but some people don't even read the article.

[344] Well, they fall for the marketing.

[345] Yeah.

[346] They fall for the marketing.

[347] They fall for the fact that the poster for the Golden Globes is me gagged.

[348] Like he says the unsayable.

[349] Of course I don't say the unsayable.

[350] Right.

[351] I don't say the unsayable at all.

[352] I go around the world saying the same.

[353] sayable and there's thousands of people laughing.

[354] If I was saying the unsayable, they'd be walking out.

[355] They don't, right?

[356] They fall for the beer.

[357] Oh, we might be drunk.

[358] I'm not drunk.

[359] I'm never going to be drunk.

[360] That would be bad.

[361] But you would clearly, you would have a lot of cocaine.

[362] Yeah.

[363] Heroin, cocaine.

[364] No, they do fall for the marketing.

[365] And that's a good thing in the way.

[366] But then you don't want it to bleed into your, private life.

[367] I don't, I don't want people to think I'm a horrible, nasty, uncaring because I'm not.

[368] That's the reason.

[369] And I feared fame because of all those reasons.

[370] When I was doing the office and I thought, I'm going to be in this and I might be famous.

[371] I sort of feared it for loads of reasons.

[372] I didn't want to be lumped in with those people that do anything to be famous.

[373] And I never signed that contract with the devil, make me famous and then I can go through my bins and I remember the first time I read something that was untrue about me oh my god or the first bad review went oh my god then I think oh nothing happened it doesn't matter and I've realized that I got older and it took it took like 15 20 years we do realize this is that reputation is important but it's what strangers think of you character is what your friends know you are and that's what counts more and now it's like water for ducked back and also I I don't expose what I have to say I'm I don't do drugs or, you know, race fast cars and come out of clubs.

[374] I don't do that.

[375] So there isn't a story.

[376] But still, I don't want people to think, like some of the jokes they don't understand with irony.

[377] I don't want people to think that I'm a racist, misogynist, homophobe because they've got the target mixed up with the subject.

[378] Right.

[379] People don't quite understand that with character.

[380] They get it when you call yourself David Brent, right?

[381] But when you're live, they don't get that that Rickiecky.

[382] of A's on stage is a character as well to a certain extent.

[383] And I flip between, like my new show Super Nature, I come out and I do a joke and I say that was irony.

[384] That's when I say something I don't really mean and you as an audience you laugh at the wrong thing because you know what the right thing is.

[385] And it sets it up.

[386] It just explains what we do.

[387] Right.

[388] You know, we say things to make people laugh and there's loads of ways of doing that.

[389] You can say the right thing or the wrong thing.

[390] You know.

[391] There's something I've been doing for, I mean, since since I started doing my show, I did it when I was a comedy writer and then I did it when I had my own show.

[392] Mastabite.

[393] Well, yeah.

[394] Yeah.

[395] This is amazing.

[396] You can finish my sentences for me. But it's time to go again.

[397] There we go.

[398] I'm very quick.

[399] But, you know, one of the things I would do is I created this over -the -top persona at work of the kind of, you know, I would push a writer up against a wall and say, you wrote this shit, you know, that kind of over -the -top crazy.

[400] Hollywood version of an insane colligula head of a TV show.

[401] And it was always sort of an unspoken thing that we all knew that that was what I was doing because I needed to the pressure of doing this job all the time.

[402] I couldn't be earnest at work.

[403] I needed to be this completely out of control, you know, madman.

[404] Yeah.

[405] But as a bit, as like that was the bit that I was doing.

[406] That's interesting because I'm, I noticed on my last tour, Humanity, I'd been away for like seven years, from stand -up, I mean, but the audience still knew me. I was still around doing stuff.

[407] So by the time I did Humanity, the audience had known me for 15 years.

[408] So they got it all.

[409] So they got the irony.

[410] They got the...

[411] Right.

[412] And you don't have to...

[413] With friends, when you say some are naughty or off -color or something you don't mean, you don't have to go, I'm only joking.

[414] They get it.

[415] And I've got to the point now and get a laugh.

[416] That's my challenge.

[417] I deal with taboo subjects because I do like that, that moment of fear when you start talking about summer and I want to take 10 ,000 people by the hand through a frightening forest and they come up the other side and it's sunny and they went, that was all right.

[418] And I think that's what humour's for.

[419] It gets us through bad stuff.

[420] I think that it does confront our fears and it kills the beast.

[421] Do you know when, even in things like rats, They understand that gallows humor, that irony.

[422] If you tickle a rat, right, it laughs because that's how it's usually being eaten by a cat.

[423] It's on its back and it's being tickled and it's laughing ironically.

[424] That really?

[425] Yeah.

[426] Apparently, some of the things, they have a level of, I'm not dying.

[427] I'm not being eaten by a cat.

[428] Right.

[429] You know.

[430] So I see the difference and I find it.

[431] This is evoking the worst thing that could happen to me. I'm laughing at the wrong thing because I know what the right thing is.

[432] You know, it's like, this is okay.

[433] Yeah.

[434] And I think we do it because we're play fighting.

[435] Right.

[436] We're playing.

[437] We're seeing how far.

[438] And then we might, oh, that's too harsh.

[439] That's, you know, the claws are out there.

[440] Let's go back to, and I think we do that.

[441] I think we comedians do that.

[442] Artis are comedian.

[443] I'll be going crazy.

[444] We do it.

[445] I'll go home to Jane.

[446] I go, did they know I was joking?

[447] She goes, Jesus Christ, course they fucking knew you were joking.

[448] Yeah.

[449] But I still got, what if I didn't?

[450] What if I hit a nerve?

[451] You know?

[452] No, but I, I, all the time, I'm trying to calibrate.

[453] Was that okay?

[454] Was that they knew, right?

[455] And I think that's why I always love the writer's room.

[456] I always loved the room because I felt the years that I was on, Starn Out Live with the Simpsons, I just, and my own writer's room for whatever, you know, 26 years.

[457] I know I can go in there and it's people, we all are part of this little group that knows that someone, and my writers tear the shit they just tear into me when I walk into the room if I'm wearing new shoes they'll have the perfect jokes about why my shoes are the worst shoes that anyone could have chosen and of course I do it with them and we're all doing it with each other but also we do it a little bit as well because we give them that like sometimes I'll be putting on shoes and I go oh I can't wear those so and so I'm going to put them on yes because then they can have a go at them and I think that's because we have other comedians to a certain degree have a heightened sense of empathy they want to know what what's good and what's bad and what hurts and what they don't like and and uh oh uh Jane got me present much walking with wolves or you go and meet these wolves and they're wild but they're socialised so they're not telling but you still have to don't have any food in your pocket don't be your fingers out don't you know make certain movements don't wear you know that we were walking these wolves past another pack of wolves and they went come this side because there's a thing called deferred aggression because if they can't get to that wolf they just bite the nearest thing next to them because it's deferred.

[458] So it's all those things and then you meet them and then they were fighting I was going oh my God it's fine they're just like and they're biting each other and I'm going oh my God just like they're just they're doing the dominant order they're just you know play fighting and they said that a wolf will bite until it just hurts the other one to find the thing So when they were puppies, cubs, what they do is they pretend it hurts before it does.

[459] So when the wolf bites them, it doesn't hurt.

[460] And it's things like that, that they're testing the boundaries.

[461] Yeah.

[462] What hurts?

[463] Right.

[464] If it doesn't hurt, it's funny.

[465] You know, it's Nietzsche and it's whatever doesn't kill makes you stronger.

[466] And I think we subconsciously, we play with that all the time.

[467] How far can I go?

[468] How far can I go?

[469] I have a theory that a lot of this gets worked out with siblings.

[470] Oh, definitely.

[471] I know that you grew up with siblings.

[472] How many?

[473] There was four of us.

[474] I was the youngest by 11 years.

[475] Okay.

[476] I remember when I was 13, I said to my mum, why are my older brothers and sisters?

[477] Were they so much older than me?

[478] She went, because you were a mistake.

[479] I wanted to go, they were all mistakes.

[480] My dad was a Catholic.

[481] My dad was a French Canadian who joined the army to fighting the war.

[482] He got stationed here.

[483] Met my mom.

[484] Got her pregnant.

[485] My oldest brother was born.

[486] born 44 who died last year it was larry marcia uh bob then 11 years later little rickie so do you feel like you got because i felt the real elemental stuff that i needed to know about comedy i worked out in the kitchen of our house after the family situation the rest is adding to that elemental knowledge yes somewhat but the percentage is amazing to me of how much I learned.

[487] But it's not just the laugh.

[488] It's because the laughter is a, it's a social power.

[489] It could be anything.

[490] You could have chosen something else.

[491] You could have chosen being the smartest or the bravest, but you chose being the funniest, as I did.

[492] I didn't have those choices.

[493] You're a big guy.

[494] I didn't feel like, I couldn't be the toughest or the bravest.

[495] But I couldn't either.

[496] I couldn't.

[497] I'm tall, but I was, it worked out.

[498] You're weak.

[499] Thank you.

[500] there's a weakness is that you sense that when I came up yeah yeah there's a cowardice and a weakness which is is detestable it's not it's not like I don't feel sorry for you I want to crush you because of your yeah it's disgusting do you know what I mean yes yes you want to like a bug yeah you want to crush me like a bug yeah yeah that's already hurt oh oh a lame bug a bug a bug yeah it has like someone's swatted it and it's on the floor going I'm a bug I'm a bug And take me to the vet.

[501] No, I'm not going to take you to the fucking bet.

[502] It's not worth it.

[503] What bug is entitled enough to think it should go to the vet?

[504] What bug thinks?

[505] Let's be honest, that was a metaphor.

[506] We know, everyone knows I'm talking about you.

[507] You are the bug.

[508] I didn't see that.

[509] Let's drop the pretence.

[510] Let's drop the pretense.

[511] I never see the metaphor.

[512] And everyone listening saw it perfectly and I missed it.

[513] I've just felt bad for that bug.

[514] and I wanted to crush it as well and now I realized it took an odd turn it's me it's been me all along I'm thinking specifically of the office and extras something that I could relate to you did it obviously just so extremely well but you would humiliate yourself you were obviously playing characters but you would go out of your way to put yourself in the worst most humiliating and I think you know David Brink would say the exact wrong thing.

[515] I believe it was extras where David Bowie...

[516] Of course.

[517] He comes in and I know he's a hero of yours.

[518] So I know what you're thinking is, is what's the worst thing that could happen to me?

[519] Yeah, he hates me. If I got a chance to see David Bowie.

[520] And David Bowie not only hates you, but then composes on the spot a song.

[521] Yeah.

[522] Without even meaning it.

[523] Yeah.

[524] Hugged nose face.

[525] Yes.

[526] Tubby little fat man. Tubby little fat man. Yeah.

[527] And I was thinking as I was looking at that, like, this is, you didn't write something where David Bowie thinks you're the greatest guy in the world.

[528] You wrote him having absolute contempt for you.

[529] Without even meaning it with dispassionately.

[530] Yes, just passionately.

[531] Which is even worse.

[532] Yeah.

[533] If someone has no dog in the fight and they still say you're awful.

[534] Yeah.

[535] You think, well, they just, okay, well, that's just true then.

[536] Right.

[537] No, he saw you in his, I mean, you caught his peripheral vision.

[538] Yeah, exactly.

[539] And for a second, he compuls that song.

[540] Like he's this crazy genius.

[541] I sent him the lyrics to that.

[542] And I said, oh, can you give me something like quite retro, like Life on Mars?

[543] And he went, oh, yeah, I'll just knock off a quick fucking life on Mars for it.

[544] Yeah.

[545] No, but I love being insulted again because it's blatant.

[546] It doesn't hurt their words.

[547] I'm the rat.

[548] Someone insulting me is the rat being tickled.

[549] It's not real.

[550] It can't hurt me. It can't hurt me. So I find it funny.

[551] If someone thinks they can hurt my feelings by shouting some at me, I've won.

[552] Yeah.

[553] I've won.

[554] I think you like to put yourself literally through a ringer, those things that you can turn to the century where they squeezed, they took wet clothes and they squeezed it through a ringer just to see...

[555] Well, that came from the, what's the...

[556] Oh, that's a siren.

[557] And that's going to be part...

[558] That's what they sound like here in Europe.

[559] It's bullshitting.

[560] It's the bullshit in ambulance.

[561] We've been...

[562] they heard us talking you know what happened and someone in the police station said they've been talking seriously for too long on a comedy podcast dispatch a constable yeah so yes again yeah I mean in this series which I really like I know the second series is coming out in a few months 24th of April yeah 24th of April and I really like the first series the first season and I'm you know suspicious I'm curious about like geez what happens with this character next because the first season is all about you coping with the death of your wife.

[563] Yeah.

[564] And then there's a lot of really funny stuff in the series, but it's dark.

[565] It's almost like you set yourself a challenge to say, I'm going to put a guy in the worst situation possible, which is he lost the love of his life.

[566] Exactly.

[567] And now we're going to see where I can find the humor.

[568] Exactly.

[569] And that was a challenge going from, you know, it goes to silliness and nonsense and annoying and trivial and all those things.

[570] And in his head, he was suicidal and depressed.

[571] So, yeah, wow, let's make that funny.

[572] The reason he doesn't kill himself is because the dog's hungry.

[573] Yeah, yeah.

[574] So I wanted that to be, and that sounds trivial, but it's not.

[575] It's actually true when you sort of look at it, you know.

[576] No, you have to feed the dog.

[577] You have to feed the dog.

[578] And the dog didn't do anything.

[579] Yeah.

[580] And then he gets through the second phase.

[581] Like, now, okay, she's down.

[582] Okay, okay, if I don't kill myself, oh, what can I do?

[583] I know.

[584] I can always kill myself.

[585] I've always got that to fall back on.

[586] So until then, I'm going to punish the world.

[587] I'm going to start saying exactly what I've got nothing to lose.

[588] I can say what I want.

[589] We sort of think, oh, I wish I could be like that.

[590] And we do.

[591] You know, there's loads of instances in there that I've been in real life.

[592] And I haven't been able to do what he did.

[593] Because I live for tomorrow.

[594] Yeah.

[595] There'll be consequences.

[596] With him, he can say, I don't care.

[597] And the other thing we laugh at is, and this is the staple of comedy, particularly sitcom, is an ordinary guy or girl trying to do something.

[598] they're not equipped to do and his is he tries to be this uncaring psychopath and he can't because he's got a conscience he cares about the dog he cares about his nephew cares about the old lady in the graveyard he cares about the younger so he's his burden is he's a nice guy he's trapped he can't even do what he wants to feel better I love there's a thing in the show where you have this absolute slob that sits opposite you who's the photographer and he's this heavy guy who eats terribly and you start talking about how he's got this little roll of fat on the back of his neck.

[599] Yeah.

[600] And you just want to pinch it.

[601] And you're talking to him about it.

[602] And what I love is that he doesn't care.

[603] No. He doesn't.

[604] No. You will say things that it works for me because he is so, I don't know, he's like a tautubby.

[605] He's like some of, he's impervious to.

[606] What does he says, you know, I'm is stressful.

[607] Yeah.

[608] We all love our roles.

[609] And he knows, he knows that that's what friends do.

[610] He knows its affection.

[611] It's a funny thing you're bringing up, which is that.

[612] I think we're the same this way, and I think there's a lot of people in comedy, our really mean stuff is safe for the people we care about the most.

[613] Of course.

[614] And I'm, I can be so polite to people that are dreadful to me. Oh, yeah.

[615] And who I don't, because they don't really care about them.

[616] You don't want to be embroiled.

[617] Yeah.

[618] You don't want to be part of their causal web.

[619] You don't care, but you do, you, that's when you walk away, when you don't care.

[620] You know, you have nothing to say about them.

[621] You have nothing.

[622] I don't want to, I don't want them spending any time in my brain, because it's, It's a waste of my time.

[623] Right.

[624] You spent 40 years on this earth, no one really knowing who you were.

[625] You weren't famous.

[626] Exactly.

[627] It didn't define me. Right.

[628] In fact, I feared it.

[629] And I've still got a little bit of contempt for celebrity.

[630] Oh, yeah.

[631] That's obvious.

[632] Well, but also, really?

[633] Tell me more about that.

[634] I was never cared about money or things.

[635] As long as I had a beer and some mates.

[636] that's all I that's all I cared about and so when I got into this sort of game it was it was laughable it was ludicrous but well they cared about I mean the first time I did the globes why did they care about what I said about them the richest they're all worried about their they pick up symptoms of their of their entourage they're yes men it's like fucking out it doesn't matter mate we're all gonna die soon You know what I mean?

[637] Nothing fucking matters.

[638] Just chill out.

[639] This is getting very morbid, but I find gravestones and graveyards to be very pompous.

[640] This must be set aside for me, and this stone will mark where my remains are, and it must, you know, I think, what are you talking about?

[641] In geological time, this will all be gone.

[642] Yeah, I talk about this, like, you know, my new tour, supernature.

[643] I'm so much humanity, supernature.

[644] Everything I've done is quite existential, and I think.

[645] maybe it's because I'm an atheist because I know this is all we've got or I think this is all we've got and I talk about that that people are offended by that like you don't know maybe I'll live again and I don't fear death or rather I don't fear being dead because I won't know about it that's the best thing about being dead it's like being stupid it's only painful for others and so I don't really worry about it I have a sense of mortality I don't want to be told I've got six months to live that would be awful If everyone died in their sleep, we'd have no anxiety.

[646] Right.

[647] It'd be great.

[648] I'd like a little, here's what I want.

[649] I don't want to go in my sleep.

[650] Really?

[651] No. I want like a moment so that I can look to a camera that isn't there and do some sort of, just one last little bit, you know, to the camera that's not there.

[652] I just want to look to a camera that's...

[653] But I do that every day.

[654] I know.

[655] I wake up and I have the best day ever every day in case I die in my sleep.

[656] But I don't want to know I'm dying.

[657] I just want 15...

[658] I want 20 seconds.

[659] Really?

[660] I want 20 seconds.

[661] I probably wouldn't be in the mood.

[662] I want to...

[663] You know what I would do?

[664] I would make it more dramatic.

[665] If they said you're going to have a heart attack in 20 seconds, I would light myself on fire and jump out a tall window, just so that it was spectacular.

[666] See, you know what I mean?

[667] Someone said to me once, wouldn't you want to sort of die saving a baby from a burning building?

[668] I go, no, I like to die in my sleep, dreaming.

[669] I mean, I was saving a baby from a burning building.

[670] That's very nice.

[671] You've got it all worked out.

[672] So you don't even actually help a baby.

[673] I don't get scared.

[674] I don't get burned.

[675] I die a hero in my mind.

[676] Right.

[677] And then I'm dead.

[678] And that's great.

[679] And that's it.

[680] And then someone finds me and he was smiling.

[681] Well, you know, there's that famous short story of you die saving the baby.

[682] And then they say, isn't Ricky Jervais is a wonderful man?

[683] now come with me baby Adolf Hitler You see what you've done Yeah And then we go to the big The End question mark Yeah Then people say well wait Why is Adolf Hitler being born now And we'll have someone else work that out It's a minefield isn't it Did you, you've met everybody You wanted to meet I mean I imagine Is there one person out there Who you've thought like Oh Jesus Christ That singer -songwriter of my youth I never met them Have you pretty much You've met everybody Well yeah Yeah, but there's still people.

[684] Obviously, you have sort of heroes growing up.

[685] And I, like Muhammad Ali, I thought I was incredible.

[686] Wouldn't that be, yeah.

[687] I've never thought, what would it like to meet someone in case?

[688] Because it's fleeting and it's meaningless.

[689] Also, what do you say if someone, I mean, we talked about David Bowie.

[690] Yeah.

[691] I've had this where.

[692] Well, that was great because I actually became friends with him.

[693] Yes.

[694] And it was fulfilling and lovely and great.

[695] Yeah.

[696] But you knew him as a person.

[697] Yeah, exactly.

[698] You had just met him being a friend.

[699] fan, you know, I had this...

[700] It would be a story, but yeah, it wouldn't be the same.

[701] But also, I realized years ago I got to interview McCartney and I know everything about the Beatles, just everything you can possibly know about the Beatles.

[702] I'm one of those people, and I was talking to him and I found myself just thinking, there's nothing I can say to him.

[703] Yeah.

[704] That he hasn't heard a billion times.

[705] If I said, enjoy your work, well, what is that?

[706] Yeah, I know, yeah.

[707] If I say, you know what?

[708] I really loved.

[709] The Beatles.

[710] You know, what is that?

[711] There's nothing.

[712] And if you, every now and then, you've probably encountered people that want to say the thing to you that they're like, I want to see the thing that's Ricky Chavez that no one else says.

[713] I sort of like being, I like finding out someone's normal in a way.

[714] And that's really weird.

[715] Like, first time I met Bowie, we were, I was newly famous.

[716] And, uh, I was invited to one of those BBC things, an audience with Bowie who played.

[717] And, um, I was there with Jane and the, uh, the director.

[718] Director General of the BBC, Greg Dyke bounced over, and you're a huge Bowie fan, I went, yeah, yeah.

[719] He went, come and meet him, I went, really?

[720] He went, yeah, come on, yeah.

[721] He went, hey, Salman.

[722] Salmon Rushdie joined us.

[723] So it's me, Jane, Salmon Rushdie and Greg Dyke.

[724] We got on to meet Bowie.

[725] He asked the...

[726] Hello, like that.

[727] Oh, I was just eating a banana.

[728] And we met him, and he didn't know who I was.

[729] And I said, oh, nice to meet you.

[730] And then a few days later, he must have said, he was that fat bloke.

[731] And he got my email.

[732] He was David Bowie.

[733] He could do that.

[734] Sure.

[735] And I just got an email from David Bowie.

[736] saying, I watched the office, I laughed, what do I do now?

[737] And we sort of became pen pals.

[738] And he invited me to do the High Line Festival in New York, which I did.

[739] It was my first New York thing that Madison Square Garden.

[740] And I thought, because it was like a charity, it would be full of posh people in tuxedos.

[741] But of course it was.

[742] I said, have they seen my live stuff?

[743] What do I do?

[744] He went, anything as long as it's delightfully offensive.

[745] Oh, that's nice.

[746] That's nice, isn't it?

[747] And then we went to his apartment, and we went in, and the doorman there went, oh, you're here to see Mr. Jones?

[748] And I went, oh, yeah, of course I'm here to see Mr. Jones.

[749] David Bowie doesn't really exist.

[750] You know, he was Davy Jones.

[751] Yeah, and we went upstairs, and he was just made a coffee.

[752] He just had a, it was after his little heart incident.

[753] Yeah.

[754] And he came around with two cups of coffee, pretending to be shaky and old.

[755] Yeah.

[756] And I thought, he's mucking up, he's fucking having a laugh.

[757] He's mucking around.

[758] This is David Bowie.

[759] This is my hero.

[760] And the apartment is, as you would imagine, like something from a magazine.

[761] Yeah.

[762] And there was this amazing huge statue, this work of art like a pewter thing.

[763] I went, that's amazing.

[764] I said, who's like, oh yeah, the artist there was trying to do, you know what Picasso did with 2D?

[765] He made it sort of 3D.

[766] He tried to flip it and make the statue that was 3D, 2D.

[767] Anyway, my daughter likes to hit that with a hammer.

[768] I don't know.

[769] What I find over and over again with these people is there's a reason they became who they became.

[770] Exactly.

[771] He was a...

[772] It's not that...

[773] Driven, hardworking, brilliant.

[774] But also sensitive.

[775] He's an artist.

[776] So he's sensitive and his work was witty.

[777] So he's witty, you know?

[778] Yes.

[779] So there's a reason...

[780] I also like the fact that they're aware of...

[781] their legend i quite like that right they know they know the presses perception of that they play with and they they want to let you know that they're above that you know that that's nice oh we like talking about paul mccartney we went to his house for his birthday party and everyone was there the who pink floyd everyone and uh and all his mates and family and everything and then uh he went to have a song and he went over the piano and just started like lady you know and i was think This is weird.

[782] Yeah, yeah.

[783] This is, that's mad, isn't it?

[784] Yeah.

[785] Banging out a tune like a Victorian.

[786] No, it's insane.

[787] This is, I got to go to a party years ago and Paul McCartney's there and it's a small party and I'm playing it cool and we're just chatting and a lovely guy.

[788] And then at one point in the evening, he picks up a guitar.

[789] That's when you start to feel yourself, leave your body.

[790] Yeah.

[791] But you keep dragging yourself back in, like, I can't, don't leave, stay here in the moment, be here.

[792] So McCartney's playing it, and it's a right -handed guitar.

[793] And he's playing it, he's left -handed.

[794] So he's playing it upside down and backwards, you know?

[795] And so that the low E is on the bottom of the guitar and the high E is on the top, which is exactly wrong.

[796] Yeah.

[797] And he's doing it and it's working.

[798] You know, he's, he's, it's, it's, he's making great music.

[799] And I just went over and I just couldn't help myself.

[800] I said, you're playing that guitar upside down and backwards.

[801] This is also the police had come when you're telling another Beatles story.

[802] It's an American in London telling a beaten story.

[803] London got over the Beatles about 40 years ago.

[804] The Americans here.

[805] It's about McCartney at a party, yes.

[806] but he's playing this guitar the wrong way and I just said I'm sorry how are you doing that and he said well you know growing up I did Nick John's guitar a lot apologies for the shitty accent I did Nick John's guitar a lot so you know I couldn't restring it or it had to crippled me so I had to learn to play it this way and I'm like you're just referencing what you know and so then I just I think liquid shit came out my eyes You know, and at the same time He's just talking about Yeah, I had this friend, John Of course And I play lefty, he plays righty I can't restring his guitar Because he had a bit of a temper And would hit me if I did that Yeah So I learned it's like we're surprised It's like we're surprised That they're normal people Yeah And that's a lovely Refreshing surprise And uh, oh with the Bowery thing I never forgot he was my hero But sometimes I couldn't remember at the same time I couldn't suddenly go Oh, that's my mate And he's my musical hero Doesn't work No, you can't have the two together No, you can't have the two together I remember I think it was his 57th birthday I sent him an email saying 57 Isn't it about time You've got a proper job Right?

[807] Ricky Jervais 43 comedian He sent back I have a proper job David Bowie Rock God That's fantastic It's lovely isn't it David Jones was taking the piss out of David Bowie.

[808] Yeah.

[809] That's why it's so sweet.

[810] One of everyone's famous character types, and you've done it so well as the pompous or self -involved idiot, is the best.

[811] Of course, yeah.

[812] When it's done well, and Peter Sellers did it beautifully as Clouseau, and he was so good at it.

[813] But apparently, he was just, people would invite Peter Sellers to a party because they wanted to spend time with Peter Sellers.

[814] Of course.

[815] And Peter Sellers would go there, and he would just stand in the corner with that weird Peter Seller's smile and look at people and he said, I don't know why anyone wants to have me here I'm not interesting at all and he apparently wasn't he was good at doing that thing but then people wanted him to be Cluso to a bit of an extent right I feel sorry for these people it doesn't happen so much now but like in the 70s and 80s some of the biggest entertainers were very very ventriloquist and puppeteers.

[816] Yeah, yeah.

[817] And, of course, people were always disappointed when they didn't bring the fucking monkey or the duck with them.

[818] I read a story, do you know, do you have the red arrows in America?

[819] Like those, uh, I don't know that we're...

[820] I don't know that.

[821] They, um, it's a team of like, people in fighter jets that do, like, uh, coordinated things in this sky.

[822] We are blue angels.

[823] Exactly, yeah, yeah.

[824] So, what, we have the red arrows, right?

[825] So, um, I remember a story in the, uh, in the paper years ago where the red arrows are, turned up to a nightclub and they couldn't get in and they said we're the red arrows and they couldn't get in and I remember thinking you haven't got the planes mate it's the it's more the planes we like mate it's like six posh guys in Aaron's sweaters going we're the red arrows not without the planes you're not boy yeah no no there's also nothing like the same thing is travel around the world and go to places where they don't know who you are oh yeah and I find that to be very refreshing.

[826] I love it.

[827] I love sitting outside in a place.

[828] Well, it's hard for you because your show's international.

[829] Well, it's getting worse, but it's still not like sitting outside a bar in London for me, which I don't do anymore.

[830] So when I'm in a place where no one bothers me and I can just sit out and have a beer again, you know, and scratch my balls without it being put on YouTube, that's a joy.

[831] So you do care about what someone thinks about you, a person you'll never see again in your life?

[832] Yes, I do care.

[833] I suppose I still care a little bit, yeah.

[834] Yeah.

[835] I care about their feelings.

[836] I'd never want to hurt their feelings.

[837] But yes, I do also care about, oh, I'd hate that on Twitter.

[838] He was a nasty.

[839] I'd hate that because it's just not true.

[840] So, of course we, yeah, of course you care.

[841] Well, I've taken a lot of your time and you've been a good sport, you know.

[842] Actually, yeah, more as a percentage of what I've got left in my life.

[843] I took a huge amount of time.

[844] And tomorrow would be even worse.

[845] You have five years.

[846] We don't, well, we don't, we don't know.

[847] Oh, I do know.

[848] Well, no, but think of that.

[849] Exactly.

[850] Think if this turned out to be half the time I had left.

[851] If I go home now and die in two hours, you took up 50 % of the time I had left.

[852] And then do you realize what this would be worth this podcast?

[853] That's all I'm thinking about.

[854] I love the thought of it.

[855] You didn't even think of that.

[856] Like, I've got the last interview.

[857] Oh, I don't know, no, no. I'm thinking about that right now.

[858] I've got the last interview.

[859] I'm not lying to you.

[860] I would, if I was told two hours, I like you a lot.

[861] I have an incredible amount of respect for you and your work.

[862] And I think you're brilliant.

[863] If you went in two hours, I'm not going to lie to you, that would be huge for me. Yeah, yeah.

[864] Because I would have this.

[865] Do you see what I'm saying?

[866] Do you know, in a weird way, because I like you so much, I hope that happens.

[867] I hope.

[868] I hope I die in two hours.

[869] Yes.

[870] This is worth, this is fucking gold dust.

[871] This, to you.

[872] Yes.

[873] Yeah.

[874] We both want the same thing.

[875] Which is your death in two hours.

[876] Yeah, yeah.

[877] And I don't think that could happen to a nicer multi -millionaire than you.

[878] Thank you.

[879] I've made bad investments.

[880] I want you to know I've lost a lot of it.

[881] I did.

[882] I thought the fidget spinner was going to be a much bigger thing for a longer time.

[883] Yeah, but not for the penis.

[884] I don't know why you thought that would be a...

[885] I thought it would attach to the tip of the...

[886] a penis and it would be for people with ADD who like to touch themselves in public.

[887] I'm not masturbating.

[888] I'm not masturbating.

[889] That's a fidget spinner.

[890] There's the headline.

[891] Yeah, there you go.

[892] We're going to take that.

[893] We're going to take that.

[894] Jervais rips into people who have ADD and like to masturbate.

[895] This was lovely.

[896] Thank you for having me to your place.

[897] Don't be afraid to edit that down to a really tight six or seven minutes.

[898] Just the best stuff.

[899] This will be about 40 seconds when we're done with it.

[900] I know, yeah.

[901] It'll be a high -pitched wine the whole time.

[902] Thank you.

[903] Let's get you.

[904] You're a good man block because that's overcast.

[905] I know.

[906] I love that I'm finally in the right weather.

[907] Every cell in my body is screaming.

[908] It is a...

[909] I'm home.

[910] I'm home.

[911] No, I'm serious.

[912] It's a London dreary day out there.

[913] And every cell in my body is saying, this is where you're supposed to be, you fucking moron.

[914] Yeah.

[915] Drinking Guinness.

[916] Yeah, exactly.

[917] Yeah.

[918] Mexican border.

[919] Yeah.

[920] No, it's stupid that I live in L .A. I'm going to die because I shouldn't be there.

[921] I'm not supposed to be there.

[922] Well, let's not, let's just forget that you say Mexico but actually, where you live used to be Mexico.

[923] Yes.

[924] So you just stole that for Mexico.

[925] I wasn't even, first of all, it wasn't you.

[926] It wasn't me. I was living in Ireland at the time, my people.

[927] But yes, America stole that land.

[928] And I accidentally made the same mistake many people did, which is a friend invited me down to Cabo.

[929] and I was in Cabo and I was looking around at the hills and I stupidly this is about six months ago I was looking around at the hills and I said it looks so much like Los Angeles here and then I remembered yeah that's right this is Los Angeles we took this you idiot I was embarrassed and ashamed so that I can tell you that well we ended on a high American imperialism genocide and all that fun stuff you learn it from us Rickett Jervais be well and go into that good night.

[930] Thank you.

[931] In the next two hours.

[932] Good night.

[933] It's going to make this huge.

[934] Yeah, no. I hope I die in my sleep.

[935] I believe in being honest with our listeners, and that means exposing you to my flaws as a human being.

[936] I'm terrible at tech, always have been.

[937] I look upon the rise of the computer with dread, and so Sona has spent most of her time as my assistant talking me through.

[938] or trying to convince me to give different things on the computer a try.

[939] And I usually don't want to because I'm afraid something's going to blow up.

[940] But this, I have to say, and Sona and Gorley, you can back me up on this if you believe I'm telling the truth.

[941] During the weeks that we've been quarantined, I've had to do a lot of stuff on my own, and I think I'm starting to get pretty good.

[942] What do you think?

[943] Well, I'm worried you're going to get too big ahead and start bossing us around tech -wise.

[944] I'm not worried about that at all.

[945] I am proud of you, Conan.

[946] I think that you've come a long way.

[947] Because before, if I was like, okay, open Zoom, you'd be like, oh, what Zoom?

[948] You would know what it is, but you act like you don't know.

[949] And I think that you've come a long way.

[950] I have a mental block about technology.

[951] But because we're doing this podcast and we're all separated and I have to figure stuff out on my own, I often am sitting at my computer.

[952] And I'll be honest.

[953] you guys on speakerphone, and you'll be saying, now press Control Alt 7.

[954] Okay, now go up to the file window.

[955] Now scroll down to bleep blorp.

[956] Now press Blorp of bleep and blorp.

[957] There should be a yellow box.

[958] Don't hit that box.

[959] Hit the green box.

[960] Now the green box should show you a picture of Eleanor Roosevelt.

[961] Don't click on that.

[962] And slowly we make our way through it.

[963] You have been doing very well.

[964] Yeah, I have to say, I mean, because we are still doing shows and you shoot your things, you upload them onto the file sharing website.

[965] I mean, you should be really proud of yourself.

[966] You're basically doing everything to keep the show on the air.

[967] So, nice job.

[968] So now, you're talking to me, like a two -year -old who just successfully made a poopie.

[969] You're doing so good.

[970] You're doing such a good job.

[971] You said a poopie.

[972] You did a poopie.

[973] I'm so proud of you, Goning.

[974] You're shooting a video all by yourself.

[975] Everyone thought you were real stupid, but you're not.

[976] I'll be very impressed when you can do something like this.

[977] Did you guys know that my brother is staying with me?

[978] Hey.

[979] Oh, wow.

[980] Look, it's your brother.

[981] I don't think I've ever mentioned that I have a twin.

[982] What the hell?

[983] How?

[984] How'd you do that?

[985] That's crazy.

[986] How's it going?

[987] Wow.

[988] Get out of here.

[989] We're trying to record.

[990] record something.

[991] I'm fascinated.

[992] Okay, well, you know what I love?

[993] I love when people do visual jokes in an audio media.

[994] Okay, I knew that was coming.

[995] No, no, no, please.

[996] Let me explain to people what just happened.

[997] We're all on Zoom as we, uh, as we do this podcast and Matt Goreley through some of his chicanery, trickery and scalduggery, uh, just had himself walk in behind him and lean over and wave.

[998] How long did it take you to figure that out?

[999] It's just a background change and you just shoot a little video of yourself beforehand.

[1000] Yeah, yeah.

[1001] Well, I'm sorry none of you could see that.

[1002] It was really not meant for a podcast, I suppose.

[1003] No, it was meant for you.

[1004] It was a little tree for you.

[1005] Who knows if it'll even go in?

[1006] I really enjoyed that a lot.

[1007] Yeah, I did too.

[1008] I did too.

[1009] I think Conan's upset because we were complimenting him and now you took the attention away.

[1010] I think that's it.

[1011] While we were complimenting him.

[1012] But Conan, I really am proud of you.

[1013] I'm so proud of you.

[1014] All right, all right.

[1015] That's a good one, Son.

[1016] No, but I really am.

[1017] I am.

[1018] I honestly am.

[1019] I'm dragging things.

[1020] I'm clicking things.

[1021] I'm, uh, you know, control alt -seeing and control -a -veeing.

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] Well, control C -in.

[1024] You're copying and pasting.

[1025] Yeah.

[1026] Yeah.

[1027] Kind of.

[1028] Well, I like to, it's simpler just to say control, alt -seeing and control alt -veeing, I think, then copy -paste.

[1029] You're right.

[1030] There's no alt when you copy -paste.

[1031] What are you alting?

[1032] Well, there's different ways.

[1033] I have a different computer.

[1034] Mine is from the 50s.

[1035] It's vintage.

[1036] It's like cardboard punch cards.

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] I actually, I use a computer that I bought off NASA.

[1039] It's a vintage.

[1040] It's a 1962 Maladex 19, 75 JJJ.

[1041] And so before we do anything on my computer, I have to stay up all night making punch cards by hand.

[1042] But I did successfully spot Sputnik about an hour ago.

[1043] So I'm feeling pretty good.

[1044] Do you think you're going to go on to do more computer -related stuff after this now that you've kind of got some courage?

[1045] No. I think the minute, I'm, Sonar, you tell them what I'll do because you know me better than anybody.

[1046] The moment we get back to the office, all of this will just erase from his mind.

[1047] It'll be, if I'll say, hey, Conan, you want to set up a Zoom meeting, he'll be like, I have no idea what that is.

[1048] I don't know what to do.

[1049] I've never done that before.

[1050] And then I'll say, and who are you?

[1051] You know, my brain is an etch -a -sketch, it really is.

[1052] my brain is an etch -a -sketch, and I developed this over the years of doing the TV show, but I would learn everything I needed to know for that day.

[1053] The guest today is Matt LeBlanc, and he likes onions, and he also likes to ski, and I would learn everything I needed to know.

[1054] And then the minute the show was over, I would shake my head, and all of that would be gone.

[1055] I have an idea, you know, because we're running out of pre -taped interviews and we're going to have to do some with guests that are remote.

[1056] We should do it that the guest is set up technically by you.

[1057] You have to walk them through how to set up their mic and record and just see how that goes.

[1058] That's like asking a small rabbit to build a Dodge Challenger, you know?

[1059] It's just not going to be, well, there's a factory in Detroit and all the equipment's there.

[1060] Get to it, little bunny.

[1061] You know what I love to do?

[1062] I used to love to do this.

[1063] I used to tell my dogs, okay, here's what I need you guys to do.

[1064] I need you to go.

[1065] Listen to me. Listen to me. I need you to get to my accountant's office.

[1066] It's in the Mid -Wilshire District.

[1067] I need you to get to the fifth floor.

[1068] There are files there that pertain to my taxes in 1996.

[1069] What you're going to do.

[1070] Their expression is so good because they just look at you with this kind of lost, like, I'm going to try and do this.

[1071] But just picturing their paws going through my files always amuses me. That's good.

[1072] That was good.

[1073] All right.

[1074] Well, we'll be cutting that, I suppose.

[1075] No, that was really, that was good.

[1076] How are you holding up, Conan?

[1077] Me?

[1078] How do I hold up in this time of pandemic?

[1079] I would say I'm holding up pretty well.

[1080] I think, you know, obviously it helps.

[1081] We're lucky that we get to keep working.

[1082] So I obviously feel for people who can't work, and that is awful.

[1083] This isn't, you know, this is a time when if you have any kind of job, as we do, where we can keep doing it, you just feel so grateful that, uh, and, and the fact that I can, I talk every day to my writers, I, for the show, and I talk to my producer and we try and scheme and we're trying to make stuff.

[1084] I think that's incredibly helpful.

[1085] Yeah.

[1086] Yeah.

[1087] That's, that's helping me a lot.

[1088] I don't know about you.

[1089] Sona, how are you doing?

[1090] You know what?

[1091] I want to say, um, I know, I don't know if we can even talk about this, but if we don't do shows, the staff doesn't get paid.

[1092] So, I mean, thanks for still doing shows.

[1093] Otherwise, I don't know what I would do because, yeah, we'd stop getting paid.

[1094] To be honest, I did really look into, is there a way to keep doing shows, but give everyone the shaft?

[1095] Oh.

[1096] So they don't get paid.

[1097] And I had a team of lawyers.

[1098] I spent a lot of money looking into it.

[1099] Ah, okay.

[1100] All right.

[1101] I spent tens of thousands of dollars working hard to see if there was a way to keep doing the show and gut the staff.

[1102] But I was told that that would, quote, not look good and also it's illegal to make people work for no money, especially during a pandemic.

[1103] So that didn't work.

[1104] I was going to thank you.

[1105] I was actually going to thank you, but now I'm not.

[1106] So you still have to thank me. Because I failed to screw you and the staff over, because I failed in my attempt, you have to thank me now.

[1107] You have to say, thanks, Conan, for failing to destroy us.

[1108] Oh, well, thanks, Conan, for failing to destroy us.

[1109] And thank you for.

[1110] But I'll say this.

[1111] I'll say this of the TV show staff and the podcast staff and everyone included here.

[1112] People are doing an excellent job of sort of rallying around and figuring ways to do their job from home and contribute.

[1113] So that's kind of neat to see.

[1114] It's, you know, the silver lining of some of this.

[1115] And there is some silver lining is you get to see people adapt and get very creative about how to do things.

[1116] And so I think that's been really lovely.

[1117] And Gorley, I'm including you in that.

[1118] And you too, Blay, and you too Adam Sacks.

[1119] And you too, Engineer Bechton.

[1120] I'm going to start calling him Engineer Bechton.

[1121] It feels like the, like, Enterprise.

[1122] Well, also, I was thinking more like I'll start asking him or making him to wear a little train conductor's cap.

[1123] Oh.

[1124] How's it going, Engineer Bechton?

[1125] Woo, woo!

[1126] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1127] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1128] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1129] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1130] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1131] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1132] The show is engineered by Will Beck.

[1133] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1134] Got a question for Conan?

[1135] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1136] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1137] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1138] This has been a Team Coco production, in association with...

[1139] Ew!