Ray Romano

[0] Hi, my name is Ray Romano, and I feel good about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] I'm making an exception, though, because at my age, the only new friends I take are doctors.

[2] Fall is here.

[3] Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[6] Hey, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[7] This is the podcast where I try to, well, deepen my friendships with some people and make friendships with people who I think probably don't like me very much.

[8] Either way, I think it's working.

[9] We're making a lot of friends, which is nice for me. I'm joined by Sonam Obsessian, my trusty assistant.

[10] Hey, Sona.

[11] Hi, Conan.

[12] And producer extraordinaire Matt Goreley.

[13] Hey, Matt.

[14] Hi.

[15] You're right?

[16] Why are you?

[17] You just go, hi.

[18] Hi.

[19] No, no, just more like, oh, hello, Conan.

[20] Good to see you.

[21] Oh, hello, Conan.

[22] Good to see you.

[23] Robot.

[24] Jesus Christ.

[25] We have very exciting guests today, but I want to talk to you guys about something that thrills me to the core.

[26] And I'm being very sincere here.

[27] I've been on the air for 25 years now.

[28] And to celebrate that, Team Coco is rolling out an archive of my best comedy sketches, celebrity interviews, and stand -up comedy acts.

[29] And we've been talking about this for a while.

[30] and I've had fans say, well, when is that coming?

[31] Well, I'm here to answer the first part of that question.

[32] The first phase of that collection, the remotes, launches today March 25th.

[33] You go to teamcoco .com slash Conan 25, and you can see over 350 remotes from all my years at late night and my years on TBS.

[34] Some of these are pieces are my favorite work I've ever done, like old -time baseball remote.

[35] Apple Picking with Mr. T. That's a goody.

[36] You liked that one?

[37] I love it.

[38] I would have killed for this thing back in the day.

[39] Yeah, we've had a lot of people always say, how can I get this, how can I get that?

[40] Yes, there are some clips that have been floating around out there, but a lot of this stuff hasn't been seen in over 20 years.

[41] And the ones that have been seen on the Internet are just VHS rips that are so bad you can barely make out my face.

[42] They're incomplete edits.

[43] Conan 25 clips have been digitally restored from the original master take.

[44] They look better than you've ever seen them before.

[45] Go to Teamcoco .com slash Conan 25.

[46] You can go there today.

[47] There are 350 pristine remotes.

[48] That also includes Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Andy Richter remotes.

[49] Plus, don't forget, the very first Jordan remote and all the Jordan remotes will be there.

[50] You too can watch them all in a row and wonder why hasn't Conan killed him yet.

[51] This is a real laborer.

[52] of love for myself and our team.

[53] We've been working on this for a while.

[54] As I said, there's a lot more coming, celebrity interviews, sketches, stand -up comedy acts from 25 years starting in 1993.

[55] Teamcoco .com slash Conan 25.

[56] Check it out.

[57] Teamcoco .com slash Conan 25.

[58] And now, onto the show today, I am very excited that our guest is Mr. Ray Romano.

[59] One of my favorite comedians, a hilarious gentleman and a kind soul.

[60] Ray, it's really good to have you here.

[61] Is that a real thing that you make friends with doctors?

[62] I don't make friends with them, but if a doctor wants to play golf, I might consider it.

[63] If he has an MRI at his house, then I'm going to take him golfing.

[64] Do you really like free treatment from people you know?

[65] I don't need it free.

[66] I don't need it free.

[67] I just need doctors, that's all.

[68] You're not that old.

[69] We must be the same age about, I'm guessing.

[70] But where are you?

[71] How old are you?

[72] I'm 55.

[73] Yeah, I had a big birthday last year.

[74] The big 70.

[75] So freaky.

[76] It's so freaky.

[77] Well, you look fantastic.

[78] You look good.

[79] You look good.

[80] And I'm going to say, I'm going to guess something because I've really admired you for a long time.

[81] Did you know that you're very admired by comedians?

[82] Is that going to make you uncomfortable if I tell you that?

[83] Your reputation is...

[84] I don't believe it.

[85] But I will say, as much as I, I looked down upon myself and I'm insecure.

[86] I host a charity every year, and one of the comedians last year said something like that, while she was on stage, said, I had an offer to go to my agent's birthday party, and I said, you know, let's see, do that or work with Ray Vermont.

[87] And it was the first time I thought, am I earning that or, or, so for a second I felt good, but then I thought, sometimes that just comes with age.

[88] Sometimes just with age, you get respect, even if you kind of don't deserve it.

[89] Not true.

[90] No?

[91] Give me an example.

[92] That's all I can think of is examples.

[93] Plenty of people as they age, you know, are if they were not liked in life or not Scrooge until he had the whole turnaround with the ghost, you know?

[94] Yes.

[95] I mean, if you're a villain, if you're a villain in life.

[96] Yes.

[97] No, no, no. I'm going to tell you that that's very you.

[98] You're tough on yourself, but you have a reputation.

[99] as being someone who works hard.

[100] You craft your comedy.

[101] You really care about it being good and that you're a good person.

[102] You're a nice person.

[103] That's the word around town about you.

[104] I will give you a disclaimer for each one of those things.

[105] Okay.

[106] By the way, but I appreciate you saying that and of course part of me likes hearing that.

[107] I'm going to use my biggest word, dichotomy.

[108] You believe a little, but you also believe Right.

[109] Right.

[110] Here's the story that happened just literally an hour ago.

[111] I was talking to you.

[112] You asked me about the podcast and you were concerned and you wanted to know what's the theme.

[113] You said, because you said it's Conan Brine needs a friend.

[114] So there's a theme.

[115] What do I need to?

[116] And I said, no, no, no, that's just a starting off point.

[117] We just talk about anything.

[118] But that's just starting off point.

[119] And how long is it?

[120] How long is it?

[121] And you had real concern.

[122] And Mr. Corley, what number is this podcast?

[123] This will be 19.

[124] Number 19.

[125] No one else has given a shit.

[126] not one person everyone else is just like it's a podcast they don't count and they put on the cans and they sit down and we go you had real concern that is unusual especially for someone who's achieved what you've achieved I'm just pointing that out but I don't know if you do you really believe that they don't care about it part of the podcast is to keep it loose and not care but to have it be carefree but I don't know I think it comes from insecurity it comes from not being you know, feeling bad, not doing a good job.

[127] Yes.

[128] I don't want a name drop.

[129] I don't want a name drop now.

[130] But I did tell you I was at Adam Levine's birthday party.

[131] So I was thinking of what can I give him as a gift, not that he needs a gift.

[132] So I thought of an idea.

[133] I go, I told my wife, I go, you know what I'll do?

[134] I'll write a note saying, hey, happy birthday, Adam.

[135] Don't you hate people who wait to the last second to get a gift?

[136] Anyway, happy birthday, Ray and Anna.

[137] And I was staying at the Hilton.

[138] Give him the robe from the Hilton.

[139] So I thought of that idea.

[140] Yeah, and I said, that's it, that's it.

[141] But then I thought the note, that's not the way to say it.

[142] And I'm not kidding, there were nine drafts of the way.

[143] Of course there were.

[144] Of course there were.

[145] But I know, you might be like that.

[146] I am like that.

[147] I can relate to that.

[148] You want to get it right.

[149] You want to get the comedy right, the rhythm, you know, the whole thing.

[150] I want to get it right.

[151] And the funny thing is that there are things that really matter.

[152] And then there are things where you're just goofing around and it's a quick joke and it shouldn't matter.

[153] What I can relate to is I don't have a good, I can't switch.

[154] off when I care and when I don't care meaning oh well now I'm hosting a big event so I really have to care but this is just a joke I'm leaving for someone at a birthday party so I don't have to care I'm that way about giving a little wedding toast versus doing a performance that maybe 10 million people might see I sweat the wedding toast just as much I don't have any there's no oscillation there's no variance between the big thing and the small thing When someone wins at an auction, you leaving their outgoing message on their answering machine, you know, I offered to do that for somebody.

[155] I'll record, hey, it's Ray Romano, you've reached Susie Murphy, you know, blah, blah, blah.

[156] It takes me 15 tries until I say, no, that's not good.

[157] Let's do it again.

[158] Let's do it again.

[159] Let's do it again.

[160] And it's because I don't want to let that person down.

[161] And I also, it's a reflection of me. Right.

[162] Yeah.

[163] I was in New York City a couple months ago, and a friend of mine had a charity.

[164] So I went to perform it, and I forget the name of the club, the name of the place it was at.

[165] It wasn't at a comedy club.

[166] So, you know, those restaurant things that have comedy, they're hit or miss. But, yeah, I'm Ray Romano, so I get a little leeway up front.

[167] But it didn't go that well.

[168] And I thought, you know, I think I got this.

[169] I think I know how to ease into my, too.

[170] It didn't go that well.

[171] I left, but everybody was happy, blah, blah, blah.

[172] And I was going to go home.

[173] I had an apartment downtown.

[174] I'm going to go to the apartment.

[175] and I was driving and I couldn't go home I had to go to the cellar and drop in and do a set to get it back yes at your stage this is how long ago this is six months ago oh my God you know what it okay that's but and the seller is like by the way the cellar is so such a sure shot but that's a risk because let's say that one didn't go well then it's too late there's no other club open well then you can never see your family again Then you just travel the world until that is...

[176] Yeah, well, it's the old saying.

[177] You're only as good as your last whatever, right?

[178] I think a lot of people also don't understand context.

[179] Sometimes people say, just get that person who's funny to come in here and be funny, and it's going to be great.

[180] And sometimes for charity things you show up, it's taking place in a big museum.

[181] And there's like dinosaurs, I mean, giant brontosaurus is assembled.

[182] And the tables are all on the side of the room.

[183] And the room's the wrong shape.

[184] And you're not really getting the right introduction.

[185] And I'll start to say that to the person who's running the charity at the Museum of Fine Arts or something.

[186] You'll be like, or the Museum of Natural History.

[187] You know, maybe it'll be, and they just go, oh, no, getting a comedian's like getting a plumber.

[188] When there's a problem with the pipes, you get a plumber.

[189] When you want laughs, you just get the comedian.

[190] You want to say it doesn't work.

[191] It doesn't work.

[192] And if you put me in the wrong context, you get up there and no one's listening and they're eating and the sound isn't right.

[193] and things are echoing around and it feels awful because maybe you do okay but especially if you're the big attraction for that night we've got Conan and then it doesn't go that well I did...

[194] That's a hypothetical by the way.

[195] Yes, yes.

[196] Okay, that's a pure hypothetical because it's always gone very well.

[197] That's science fiction.

[198] Yeah, but my, you know, for school, my wife would offer me up to these fundraiser for our school and I did one in the gym at the school we were at and I was like well why you know and it's in the gym thank God it really went well they set it up as best they could and it went well a couple years later again my wife says they're having a fundraiser it's at the the Canyon Club you know you guys know what that is it's on Canaan Road off the 101 anyway it's a rock club first of all I was just annoyed not annoyed but I'm like Why did you offer me?

[199] Why don't you ask?

[200] And it's whatever.

[201] And it's the parents.

[202] It's the parents of...

[203] But you said not annoyed.

[204] You were annoyed.

[205] You were annoyed.

[206] You were annoyed.

[207] Well, first of all, it's the parents of the people I'm going to see all the time.

[208] I'm going to see them every day for the next 10 years.

[209] Right?

[210] So that's horrible in itself to do stand up in front of.

[211] Second, it's at the Canyon Club, which is for Rock.

[212] So it has a bar on this side, a bar on that side.

[213] okay and then which is fine for for rock and roll okay and they're going to have all the chairs in the middle so then i then they want me to do 40 minutes i'm like i can't i can't do 40 minutes there um so i get brad garrett who i did stuff for his school i get him i got to return the favor i go brad can you come and do 15 minutes he goes yeah i don't know if you've you know how good do you know i don't know him well but i seem around and uh good man beautiful man one of my best friends We used to tour together, and by the third show, I told him we have to switch it.

[214] I have to go on first because he's Don Rickles.

[215] He's done Rickles, you know, without the warmth.

[216] Yeah.

[217] He's, no, no, he is.

[218] He is.

[219] He is, but he just breaks the wall.

[220] He goes crazy, whatever.

[221] So I said to Brad, I remember being backstage at this place.

[222] I go, Brad, do you think you could do material, just do 15 minutes?

[223] Whatever you want, Ray?

[224] Whatever you want.

[225] He gets on stage?

[226] Zero material.

[227] Right away.

[228] Where did you get the boobs?

[229] Da -da -da -da -da -da.

[230] And it's killing with half of them And half of them are appalled But half of the guys are cracking up But it's just Yeah All right so I get on stage And now I got to do 25 minutes Whatever it is If I'm being honest On a scale of 1 to 10 It's almost a 7 and a half Which is in front of people You're going to see for the next 10 years Is like a 3 Yes Right?

[231] So I come off stage And it's just a weird feeling And you know Andy Garcia is pretending he liked it, you know, whatever.

[232] But he's a great actor.

[233] Yeah, yes.

[234] And I told my wife, it was so, and this is only, you know, I'm, I guess this is seven, eight years ago.

[235] So I've been doing stand -up for 25 years.

[236] Yep.

[237] And this hurts so much, because now I got to see them the next day and all that and whatever.

[238] And I just told, I told my wife, I go, the next time they're having a fundraiser.

[239] I want you to listen to me. I want you to please ask them how much money they expect to raise.

[240] Yes.

[241] to write him a check.

[242] Yes.

[243] Because I'm not doing it.

[244] No, I always want to give them the, can I just do that?

[245] Because I would rather lose all my money, everything.

[246] Yes, yes, yes.

[247] Now, you were part of an esteemed group.

[248] We had, Stephen Colbert was on the podcast not long ago.

[249] And you're in the same club, guys that somehow applied to write for me and didn't end up getting the job.

[250] Was that him too?

[251] in Stephen Colbert.

[252] Yeah, you're in very good company.

[253] We keep racking up these names of amazing people that tried to write for me. Do you remember?

[254] Do you remember it?

[255] I don't remember.

[256] We had a sit down.

[257] We had a little thing.

[258] We had a sit down.

[259] And I don't know, do we have a spot at the time?

[260] You wanted to write a monologue joke specifically, didn't you?

[261] I don't think so.

[262] I remember Louis C .K. was on staff.

[263] And he was my inn, and he said, he tried to speak to somebody.

[264] And then he said, write about 10 bits, you know, whatever.

[265] and I guess they were monologue, yeah, they probably were monologue jobs.

[266] I think you were up for a monologue job, yeah.

[267] Yeah, and then we met and we talked and it was fine, and here we are.

[268] Now, you realize, I don't remember, I just don't spend so many years.

[269] I don't blame you for not remember.

[270] I don't remember, and it's, but you have to admit, you dodged a bullet.

[271] I mean, you, you, and I said the same thing to Stephen Colbert, like the worst thing that could have happened to you.

[272] would be to get that gig.

[273] That would be the worst thing that could happen to because, you know, I guess there's a couple of those.

[274] There's a couple of those things that had I gotten that, then this doesn't happen.

[275] I have those, yeah.

[276] I have ones where I desperately wanted to, desperately, the one job I wanted more than anything in the world was writing for David Letterman on the late night show and I got really close and I thought this is my destiny, didn't get it, thought, well, my life didn't work out.

[277] I think I was 26, and I thought, well, my life didn't work out.

[278] And then I got a job at Starnett Live, and then because I got to know Lorne Michaels, that led to the whole late -night thing.

[279] And here I am.

[280] But I was convinced that there's the road that goes towards good life.

[281] And there's the road off to the left that goes to Bad Life.

[282] And I'm on the Bad Life Road now.

[283] And look what happened.

[284] Yeah.

[285] I have a couple of those.

[286] I got fired from News Radio.

[287] I was in the original cast of News Radio.

[288] and I saw Jimmy Burroughs yesterday in Cabo.

[289] I don't want to place drop.

[290] But I saw Jimmy Burroughs who directed news radio.

[291] And on day two of rehearsal, and again, I was just a stand -up, and I went out to read.

[292] I hadn't had much acting experience at all.

[293] And I got this role.

[294] And my wife and I were going crazy.

[295] We had three little kids, and I'm out in L .A. filming the pilot.

[296] And it was going to be $8 ,000 in every.

[297] episode and we were adding it all up.

[298] And day two of rehearsal, the phone rings in my hotel at 6 a .m. And I kind of knew right away because I wasn't feeling it.

[299] I kind of knew I'm gone.

[300] Sure enough, it was my manager.

[301] But Jimmy Barrows, I saw him two nights ago and we brought it up because he was the director and he fired me. He was the one who told the network this guy's not cutting it.

[302] And so we laughed about it and he goes, I made your career and I made Lisa Kudrow's career because I fired her from the pilot of Frazier.

[303] Right, right.

[304] No, it's just going around, yeah.

[305] It was four months later.

[306] I did Letterman, and then we signed the deal, and that's where Raymond came out.

[307] And then everybody loves Raymond is, how many years on the air?

[308] Nine years, 210 episodes.

[309] But who's counting?

[310] Yeah.

[311] It's interesting, because this is just me making my observation.

[312] I don't know you really well, but I think I know you, and I would say, I would hazard to guess that that level of success would alter some people.

[313] I don't think it's probably had any effect on you.

[314] My joke that I tell is before all this, I thought my cab driver hated me, and now I think my limo driver hates me. It's kind of all...

[315] I really think about that, though.

[316] I think, you know, yeah, I was in therapy before all this.

[317] I had my issues before any of the success.

[318] it's kind of, I don't think it's gotten worse, but it hasn't gotten less.

[319] You know, I just, I'm doing what I love to do.

[320] Financially, I'm okay.

[321] I can see a better shrink.

[322] But, no, it has.

[323] This is a shout out to your old shrink.

[324] Well, I, I, I, I, one shrink died on me and another retired on me. Right.

[325] Yeah.

[326] So you have trust issues now.

[327] Yeah, no. I don't know.

[328] That's the thing I try to explain to people.

[329] What about yourself?

[330] You don't think, I think the same's for you too.

[331] Yeah, I don't.

[332] I honestly, I've had very good friends of mine who I knew well 30 years ago.

[333] And of course, when I got the show, they had to go.

[334] No, my friends and my family have all said, nope, you're the exact same person.

[335] Right.

[336] Other people are going to think you've changed.

[337] People outside may think you've changed.

[338] People who didn't know me well.

[339] Is that what you're saying?

[340] Yeah, people who think or think you should have, you should be doing this or you should be doing that.

[341] Right.

[342] Yeah.

[343] We just did this, I toured with these other comics and I think it was Ron Funches afterwards was saying, that's so strange that you're, you're nice to everybody.

[344] And this sounds like I'm, what is it, what is it called?

[345] Humble bragging?

[346] Humble brag.

[347] And I'm realizing in this moment that it is, it sounds like I'm just saying this.

[348] I'm just trying to illustrate this point that he noticed that I were like, oh, you're nice to the waiter and you chat them up, or you're nice to the person who just works at the airport, or you're nice to this, you're nice to that person.

[349] And I thought that he was working towards a compliment.

[350] He was like, it's interesting to see how nice for everybody.

[351] And then I realized, wow, Conan really is that insecure.

[352] I thought, oh, man. He said Conan?

[353] Yeah, he said, yeah, I realized that you were that insecure.

[354] And I think that was, I do like to think I'm trying to be nice to people, but I also think...

[355] But part of you thinks...

[356] Yes.

[357] Yeah, go ahead.

[358] It's insecurity and it's also karma, right?

[359] Yes.

[360] A little bit of that.

[361] Yeah, I get the same thing where...

[362] Because I'm...

[363] In other words, I'll give you...

[364] I'll give you...

[365] This is an erotic story is like crazy.

[366] Erotic?

[367] No. Erotic?

[368] Not just hearing an erotic tale with your voice would be so hilarious.

[369] Oh, boy.

[370] She slowly removed her blood.

[371] I don't do a Ray Romano, but just you doing an erotic tale.

[372] I do...

[373] I actually do my only impression...

[374] I just were with Dana Carvey who does all the impressions and we do a Q &A after and on stage I said, I do one impression it's Jay Leno having phone sex Hey, what are you wearing?

[375] That's all I got.

[376] But here's an example of that story.

[377] This is before the TV and the fame.

[378] Living in Queens I leave my house it's 11 o 'clock at night, it's five degrees out and I see an old I'm driving I see an old woman by the bus stop I keep driving past and then I think it's five degrees this woman's old she's waiting for a bus at 11 o 'clock at night this is a possible dangerous thing for this woman I go let me go around the I gotta go around the corner and I pull up and I roll the window down and I say are you okay and I she startled a little who's this weird guy I go and she looks at me and she's a little scared and I go it's very cold down Are you okay?

[379] He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

[380] I go, okay, all right, I just want to make sure.

[381] I pull away.

[382] And then I think I just startled an old woman in five degrees waiting for the bus.

[383] What's going on?

[384] Is she palpitating, whatever?

[385] So now I've got to go around again.

[386] I'm not kidding.

[387] I just want to make sure she's okay now.

[388] Right.

[389] And I drive by, and she sees me again drive by.

[390] So now she thinks I'm this freaking crazy guy driving by.

[391] so I just had to kill her.

[392] No, I don't know.

[393] But my point is, why was I doing that?

[394] Am I that of much of a good Samaritan?

[395] Or is it like, because that's the right thing to do.

[396] And if you don't do the right thing, then something bad is going to happen to you.

[397] It's the old concept that there's no such thing as a selfless act.

[398] You know, that if you are going out of your way to help someone and be kind, you are getting back something from that.

[399] and that, yes, there is no such thing as complete selflessness.

[400] Some of that might be true.

[401] But I give myself credit, and I'll bet you can give yourself credit for this also.

[402] You also, there is a little bit of you that likes, you don't have to, because this person maybe isn't even aware of you, but you like making, I don't want to say little person, I don't want to, it sounds demeaning, but feel better about themselves, you know?

[403] I like, if I see the guy who kind of looks lonely and just socially awkward, I like to let him know that, you know, I see you, man, I recognize you and you're there, you know?

[404] Yes, yeah.

[405] But I think that, in my case, I think some of that comes from, you know, parenting, religion, the way I came up, but also just that I was insecure as a kid.

[406] And when someone was kind to me, it meant everything.

[407] I think if I had been very secure in my place in the world when I was a kid or I had been like the captain of the football team or I had just been like he's the popular jock who's also the head of the class and dating the prettiest girl, I don't know that I would have this empathy.

[408] I think I have it because I wasn't maybe the happiest person in the world when I was 12 years old.

[409] What about you?

[410] Was that, were you that?

[411] I mean...

[412] Well, I've always said if my father hugged me once, I'd be an accountant right now.

[413] I wouldn't have to do any of this.

[414] I wouldn't have to do any of the showbiz stuff.

[415] I don't know.

[416] I mean, I did have an insecurity early.

[417] And I don't know if that came from the relationship with my father.

[418] My father was very undremontative.

[419] Could only kind of show anger, really.

[420] I'm not saying he was a horrible monster.

[421] but he could get mad at us and discipline us but couldn't go the other side and you know as a kid that makes you feel what am I doing wrong what's wrong with me so I don't want to you know you don't want to blame everything on somebody but I think that did kind of mold me a little bit as far as that goes as far as that feeling that feeling of insecurity yeah he would He had a rough time, my father.

[422] And I cut him slack because his father left him when he was two.

[423] So he didn't have any role model or anything.

[424] But he, I think, you know, I always say, I think all performers have something they're missing from a parent.

[425] If it wasn't for negligent parents, there would be no show business.

[426] Yes.

[427] We'd all have to bowl.

[428] We'd all have to join a bowling league.

[429] Yeah.

[430] Because there'd be nothing to turn on and nothing to see.

[431] Well, apologies to my dad, but he can't figure out how to work the podcast yet, so.

[432] Is he, is your father?

[433] He's 90.

[434] He's still, you know, still goes to work every day, but he keeps saying, yes, yes, I want to see this podcast.

[435] And that explains it all.

[436] But how is he, how is your relationship?

[437] Was he a, no, no, he was good, my dad's a very good, sweet guy.

[438] He was, I think there was just, because there were six of us, and we were born like one a year.

[439] I think two of us were born within a three -month period.

[440] And he worked all the time.

[441] So I think he was, sometimes he was like this character that we didn't quite know who'd come into the picture.

[442] And there was a lot of chaos, joyous chaos.

[443] But I think there was, I was born with probably a certain amount of anxiety too.

[444] I think it's just in the family.

[445] We're in anxious people, the Irish.

[446] I always thought the Italians were more laid back.

[447] Oh, really?

[448] You think so?

[449] I don't know.

[450] I thought you guys, yeah.

[451] Well, we're loud and, you know.

[452] Yeah, well, loud does it doesn't mean you're nervous, you know?

[453] Yeah, I don't know.

[454] I think we...

[455] I'm an exception, I guess.

[456] Yeah, you're an erotic Italian man. We're going to take a quick break.

[457] Oh, we do that?

[458] Yeah, we do that so that we can sell mattresses.

[459] And we're back sitting here with Ray Romano, who's curious why Sona and Gorley aren't chirping in.

[460] Sona, why are you so quiet?

[461] I like listening to the two of you talk.

[462] I have nothing to contribute.

[463] I mean, how do these podcasts, how do they usually go?

[464] Is it usually a group discussion?

[465] No. They usually go this way.

[466] Yeah.

[467] I have them here basically as a tax write -off.

[468] That's true.

[469] Yeah.

[470] Gourley is listed as a dependent.

[471] That's right.

[472] Hey, Dad.

[473] No, it's funny because, you know, You know, I was talking to, you know him well, one of my longest time writers and a really good friend Mike Sweeney today.

[474] Yes.

[475] And he said that he saw you the first time you went up and did stand up.

[476] Really?

[477] The first time you got up, he was there.

[478] And he said that you did well right away.

[479] You were just funny, that you took to it like a duck to water, and that that was everyone's take on you.

[480] Not that you didn't struggle, not that it wasn't hard, but just there are some comedians that go up and they have to bomb for a long time.

[481] You know, I did, though, right?

[482] I did, I just, I, no, the, he's right about the first night.

[483] The consensus seems to be that you, that you, uh, but I have my, you did last bombing.

[484] I have my, well, first of all, if he was there on night one, yeah, I know night one went, went well.

[485] Yeah.

[486] It was audition night at the improv in New York, and I was 23, maybe, and I started thinking, I have this, I got this, and I think night two, it went well also.

[487] and I really was overconfident.

[488] And night three was a bomb.

[489] Same material, same thing.

[490] Just stone cold bomb.

[491] So much so that it scared me away for a year.

[492] I quit for a year.

[493] And then I went back again and then I quit for another year.

[494] Oh, my God.

[495] And it wasn't until the third attempt that I stuck it out.

[496] Because you know the hardest is the beginning.

[497] It's like a boot camp that you have to get through because you're not good.

[498] you're not honed everything you're learning and you're learning in front of the worst audiences because you're the new guy so you got to go up at 1 .30 in front of five people left who are drunk that's how you have to learn to become a better comic you know what's funny is first of all one thing was I remember Leno saying you're not really as good as you're going to be till six years in and I remember hearing that in my third year and thinking well that's bullshit I'm good right now you know and but he was right the fourth year I would look back at tapes of the third year and I was better and so on and so that's the same how you got better you know hosting the show is the same way of a stand -up comedian gets better in front of the audience there's gigs where you have to bomb you know there's classic legendary horrible gigs Betty's Mike can tell you Betty's fireside was a was a one -nighter in Jersey they used to be a strip club and it was and you would do it because it was so horrible And like a masochistic way?

[499] No, well, you would do it because it was of Wednesday night and they were going to pay you $100 to go so you'd do it.

[500] But it was like earning your stripes, yeah.

[501] But it was...

[502] What made that such a bad place?

[503] Well, I mean, the setup was, it was a strip club, so it was a horseshoe -shaped bar.

[504] Yep.

[505] The patrons stood, there were no chairs, stood.

[506] You were on the inside.

[507] The bartender was like at your feet, you know, facing that way.

[508] And they would have a big screen TV.

[509] not with the volume on, but the volume was off, and they were, and they became part of it knowing how bad this was going to be for the comedian, so it became like a thing, yeah.

[510] But I, could you have fun, could you have?

[511] I was just about to tell you.

[512] Go ahead, go ahead.

[513] I was just about to tell you, I think you're getting to this.

[514] Yes.

[515] This sounds strange, but some of the most fun I've had on stage are on horrible nights.

[516] Yep.

[517] Bombing nights.

[518] And not particularly that one, because that one, no one's listening to you.

[519] but like in the comedy seller when it would be late and there'd be 12 people left and they're not giving you anything and yet it was so I felt so comfortable and for every non -response they gave me I had a response for that you know and even if they didn't laugh I knew it was funny and I just felt comfortable now that comes from many times having to experience that type of situation I wonder now because now it's like you say The audience just gives it to me now for 10 minutes, and then you've got to be funny.

[520] But I'm playing, I'm playing theaters, I'm playing games.

[521] I wonder now if I would be that comfortable in a situation like that where you've got a duck and weave, you know.

[522] Well, it's funny because I was, I agree with you 100 % that I will say it's not the most fun.

[523] The most fun is when it's an audience where you're destroyed.

[524] Yes, and you feel it.

[525] And you feel it.

[526] and everything's liquid and just, I always feel in those situations if there is some small amount of cancer in my body, it's gone now.

[527] Like, this has a curative effect.

[528] I've always thought that, you know?

[529] Run me through an MRI after I've been in front of a crowd.

[530] And I don't mean a crowd that's just wooing, but a crowd that's smart and they really are appreciating what I'm saying and it's, we're all one.

[531] That's fantastic.

[532] I'm always hungry.

[533] I'm always hungry after a good set.

[534] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[535] You want to eat, because it's the same.

[536] It's the hunter, warrior.

[537] Yeah.

[538] You want to eat a mastodon afterwards.

[539] But what happens is after the, I would say, the next fun going down the list is when you're really getting nothing, sometimes it's freeing.

[540] That's how I feel.

[541] I feel like there have been audiences.

[542] I remember on the old late night show once there was an audience.

[543] We had booked a band that had like this hardcore goth following.

[544] and they all jammed the switchboards or something back in the day when there was a switchboard they all figured out all the fans figured out a way to come see that band that day and they filled the late night studio in Rockefeller Center just filled it, packed it these goth fans that didn't give a shit about me and this was the late night this is a couple of years into late night with Conan O 'Brien and I come out and the show is now doing well and I come out and I felt it right away they had they're all wearing black and they're all there to see the band and they're just waiting for the band and this is when I would do the warm up and they were like, when's the band on?

[545] They had this, when's the band on asshole kind of feeling?

[546] And I'm the host of the show.

[547] And I just started to, it was, they just stared at me in the monologue and then I just sort of started to enjoy it.

[548] And I can't remember, I wish I could remember the name of this band, but I just started to enjoy it.

[549] Did you address it?

[550] Did you tell the viewing audience?

[551] I started to make a lot of comments.

[552] I didn't say they're here to see the band and they hate me because I don't, I think that's only, almost feels rude to me to do that.

[553] But I sort of started communicating to anyone in the world who could notice this silence.

[554] I wasn't talking to them anymore.

[555] I was talking to, and in those situations, I'll talk to if I have a friend or if I have anybody in my world, my wife's there, anyone's there, or one of my writers is there in a situation where I said I'd do something and it's not going great.

[556] I almost start talking to them.

[557] Not directly, but I get a smile on my face, and it's my way of saying, this is a level of hell that Dante never even knew existed.

[558] And it's fascinating.

[559] I didn't know this room existed in this house.

[560] And there's all these dead bodies in here, and there's blood on the wall.

[561] I mean, just this.

[562] And I get kind of mischievous about it and have fun, and you get giggly, because it's so bad.

[563] And you're, but all, Also, you're giggly because you're in this zone, right?

[564] You're in this different zone all of a sudden.

[565] But that's what I almost want to do that just to see if I still have that ability to bomb gracefully.

[566] How do I make that happen?

[567] I can help you.

[568] But I still worry that that's going to happen when there's a corporate gig or something.

[569] I haven't done a corporate gig in a while, but also they pay pretty good.

[570] So you're also, if it doesn't go well, you're getting a little.

[571] a lot of money to be disappointing to them.

[572] Yeah.

[573] Yes.

[574] Yeah.

[575] I remember once it's all relative.

[576] When I was still just coming up, some guy saw me in a club and he's Italian guy.

[577] He's having a big Italian wedding.

[578] You're going to come and you're going to perform.

[579] I'm like, all right.

[580] And he was giving me $1 ,000, which was tremendous at that time for me. And it was in Long Island.

[581] It was some catering hall, whatever.

[582] And he stood me up there.

[583] No, no stage, just the dance floor.

[584] It was in between the canollies and the whatever.

[585] And I did it, and it was nothing, nothing.

[586] And he's there kind of, you know, looking at everybody else.

[587] And it was such a bad feeling.

[588] I did my time, whatever.

[589] And he came back, you know, it's all right.

[590] You know, the people who should get it, they got it.

[591] And he just peels off 10 to 100.

[592] Don't worry about one, two, three.

[593] I have my hand out like this.

[594] And I just knew, I knew this was going to be a gig where it's not going to be set up right.

[595] and I just thought I don't want to do those anymore I don't want to do those No because there's no Yes if you're If you needed to put food on the table For your family Then yes Then you'll go and you'll do it But my line about comedy is When it goes really well I'd happily do it for free And when it doesn't go well I would rather dig a ditch With my bare hands And then that's this weird Talk about back to dichotomy, that is a weird thing where when it's going really well, I don't care that much about the money.

[596] It's not work.

[597] And when comedy is not going well, you feel like something ate at your intestines and opened a wound that's going to fester.

[598] It's just...

[599] Sometimes people, like you did it in the beginning of how hard I work and all.

[600] And when I get credit for...

[601] Because I would go in the city every night.

[602] Six nights a week, at least I would drive from Queens into the city and do sets five on Friday, seven on Saturday.

[603] I had that reputation of being such a dedicated hard worker and I felt guilty getting that reputation because it was fun.

[604] Yeah.

[605] It was, yes, sometimes it got a little grindy, jumping back and forth, but I was doing what was great.

[606] It felt great.

[607] Yeah, what you're here to do.

[608] Yeah.

[609] But you know what I miss?

[610] This is going to, I don't want to sound selfish or whatever, but I miss when you could go one of the greatest feelings in stand -up in the beginning is going on in front of an audience that has never heard of you, never seen you, they've paid their cover, you're the next guy, and it's like that attitude of, okay, who's make me laugh, this new guy, and maybe it's a little hard in the beginning, and you win them over, and you win them over, and you have a great set in front of a room full of strangers.

[611] Now, I'm not complaining.

[612] That's not going to happen in this country at least because it's like you said everyone's giving me the benefit of the doubt now but that was one of the joys of stand -up for me in the beginning was just winning over this new room of strangers and that will never happen it's still fun stand -up is still great and doing new material is still great but that element is I'm going to say three words to you radical facial surgery although I'll tell you what as I get older Here he is Jay Dobano.

[613] You come out, you've got a weird, a lot of scarring, a lot of derm abrasion, a different nose.

[614] No, like who is the guy that Andy Kaufman did?

[615] Tony Clifton.

[616] Yeah, Tony Clifton.

[617] Yeah, and you come out and.

[618] Well, what if it ended up looking like Jay Leto and people just thought you were Jay Lido?

[619] Yeah, when are you man?

[620] Yeah.

[621] But if I, you know what, I'm sure I could get a room full of 18 -year -olds who have never heard of me, but I can't make 18 -year -olds laugh now.

[622] Also, when you go around at your age saying, get me a room of 18 -year -olds, it sounds bad.

[623] It just sounds bad.

[624] Well, this was great.

[625] Was it?

[626] Yeah.

[627] No, see, see?

[628] Look at you.

[629] Fix it in post.

[630] Look at you.

[631] But it's, that's the voice, I bet, right?

[632] This is a lovely conversation with a really funny, good man. Following Michelle, is it?

[633] Michelle Obama.

[634] Did we follow Michelle?

[635] I don't know.

[636] Is she, this is the next, this is the one.

[637] after Michelle Obama.

[638] Yeah.

[639] And she killed.

[640] I'm going to say, who's listening to Michelle and saying, now I want to listen to Ray Roe?

[641] Who's getting enjoyment hearing a full podcast with Michelle and is going to get the same enjoyment listening to me?

[642] Who's doing that?

[643] There's four people.

[644] We've run the numbers.

[645] And they're very loyal followers.

[646] One of them's Barack Obama.

[647] Yeah.

[648] Well, what was funny was Phil Rosenthal who met Michelle and Barack when he was running the first time.

[649] And he said, I created everybody as Raymond.

[650] And she said, she pointed to him and went, he's Raymond, he's Raymond.

[651] I think, there you go.

[652] I know.

[653] How cool is that?

[654] Yeah, thank you so much for doing this.

[655] You're really, this was lovely.

[656] It's fun.

[657] Sorry you guys didn't get in as much.

[658] No, we're just here for support.

[659] No, they're really just here, I'm telling you.

[660] He said more than you.

[661] He said, let me move the mic.

[662] Yeah.

[663] You know, if we get on too much, he beats us when the guest leaves.

[664] It's not a physical beating.

[665] It's verbal abuse, is what I'm good at.

[666] Thank you, man. This is fun.

[667] All right.

[668] Ray Romano, ladies and gentlemen.

[669] Fix it in post.

[670] Fix it in post.

[671] Hey, let's get to some voicemails, huh?

[672] Talk to the people.

[673] Oh, my God.

[674] What character did you just become?

[675] Okay, Corky.

[676] Oh, God.

[677] It's the late 50s, and we're doing a daytime show here.

[678] Let's get to it.

[679] President Eisenhower's on the phone.

[680] I have Eisenhower.

[681] What do you have Eisenhower's phone?

[682] What do you mean you have Eisenhower's phone?

[683] I own Eisenhower's phone.

[684] No, you don't.

[685] Yes, I do.

[686] No, you don't.

[687] I have the documentation, asshole.

[688] Jesus.

[689] When you get spicy, I get intrigued.

[690] Wait a minute.

[691] You have Dwight D. Eisenhower.

[692] I do for me. The man who gave the OK for the D -Day invasion.

[693] The man who served two terms.

[694] 1952 or 56, 56, 1960.

[695] Yeah, commander of the European theater.

[696] That's right.

[697] My God.

[698] I know.

[699] How do you have his phone?

[700] You and I have more in common than you know, but you never inquire about me. Uh -oh.

[701] You can't see this right now, but the smallest tear is forming in the corner of his left eye.

[702] And you know what?

[703] It's kind of a hipster tear.

[704] Oh, God, this again.

[705] Yeah.

[706] No, this again.

[707] I'm sorry.

[708] It's a little tiny tear and it's wearing a little fedora.

[709] You have a skinny tie with a tie bar on.

[710] No one can see that And I deny it Okay A tear as a fedora It is His chair has a fedora And his tear Likes craft beers His tear is holding A little tiny craft beer Yeah It's listening to Father John Misty Exactly Okay so wait a minute How do you have Eisenhower's phone I bid on it And I bid on it Because I thought I will never win this And I want it That is so cool Will you bring it in Can I see it?

[711] Do you use it as a real phone?

[712] It probably doesn't work well.

[713] The cord is frayed at the end so it doesn't have a plug.

[714] I could, yeah.

[715] But I don't have a landline.

[716] Oh, right.

[717] Yeah.

[718] Wait.

[719] Go ahead.

[720] You're gonna make a judge.

[721] Yeah.

[722] Whatever.

[723] I think you just did it yourself.

[724] I'm not some hipster.

[725] I don't have a landline.

[726] Was this his phone at home?

[727] It was from his summer White House in Newport, Rhode Island.

[728] But while he was president.

[729] Oh.

[730] That's so cool.

[731] Yeah.

[732] Is it a rotary dial phone?

[733] It doesn't even have a dial.

[734] It's a hotline.

[735] It's a green, like, bell, plastic, you know, one of those.

[736] That's really fascinating.

[737] I love stuff like that.

[738] I do.

[739] I'm a crazy fanatic for presidential memorabilia.

[740] Andy Richter gave me a really old phone that I have on my desk.

[741] The only problem is that when I go to talk on it, it doesn't sound great.

[742] It actually sounds like you're talking in a different era.

[743] Oh.

[744] So the electronics aren't as good as the electronics today.

[745] So when I talk on that phone, I tend to say things like, you there.

[746] Yeah, there's been a flyer over at McCready's Bond.

[747] Yeah, send the fellas over.

[748] What's that?

[749] David Wrigley, 525.

[750] Yeah.

[751] Well, we'll talk about it then.

[752] Just take the, you know, I don't know.

[753] You get in that mode, but I love it.

[754] It's like one of those great old Bakelite phones.

[755] Yeah, I appreciate it.

[756] Well, I thought you might.

[757] Bring it in.

[758] I want to see that Eisenhower phone.

[759] Okay.

[760] Yeah, bring it in.

[761] I'm sorry.

[762] Oh, my God.

[763] We are shaking magnets over here.

[764] He was really trying to care.

[765] I'm sorry.

[766] No, you don't have to care.

[767] I think it's neat.

[768] I have David Koresh's guitar.

[769] Oh, my gosh.

[770] Yeah, that's another.

[771] What?

[772] That's dark.

[773] That one I did not do on purpose.

[774] That you said to me like, oh, I'll get you back.

[775] That wasn't a charming thing?

[776] All right, let's do a voicemail.

[777] Well, number 19, if you will.

[778] Hi, Conan.

[779] This is Matt from Ohio.

[780] I love the podcast.

[781] Good name.

[782] In the first episode, you asked the listeners to fill out a survey.

[783] to learn more about your audience.

[784] And then for the next five episodes, I heard ads for erectile dysfunction and back hair removal systems or blades.

[785] My question is, is this what your audience is really like?

[786] Thanks.

[787] Bye.

[788] Well, Matt, that is a fair question.

[789] I don't think we're doing those ads in response to anything.

[790] Those are ads we probably signed up for because we're a relatively new podcast.

[791] And so I think the assumption by somebody who heard that Conan O 'Brien was going to have a podcast and signed us up early for ads probably said, well, those people probably don't have working penises and probably have a lot of hair on their low back because I'm just guessing that's the kind of person who watches Conan.

[792] I don't think it actually reflects who is listening to the podcast.

[793] No negative thoughts towards those ads because I think those are very good products.

[794] I've used both of them.

[795] Oh.

[796] Oh.

[797] I'm just making noises now.

[798] He's staring at me again.

[799] He stares at him.

[800] Anyway, Matt, I honestly don't know.

[801] And this is where I maybe could use a little guidance here.

[802] I don't know how these ads are chosen.

[803] I'm new to all this.

[804] This is a brand new podcast, and I know when we first launched it, Mr. Gorley, maybe you could tell us how these ads were chosen or were this just the ads we got.

[805] Yeah, I'm more on the creative side.

[806] I'm not a numbers guy.

[807] But my understanding is that salespeople sell these ads.

[808] to companies and they sell a certain amount of slots and we're trying to even sell bigger slots so there are less ads, if that makes sense.

[809] But right now, a lot of companies are buying smaller ad buys.

[810] Does that make sense?

[811] Yes, it does.

[812] Yeah.

[813] Can I just say that our podcast overperformed what people expected?

[814] That's right.

[815] I would say wildly overperformed.

[816] I don't shoot my own horn often, but podcast has done quite well.

[817] Hello.

[818] But we're still doing a lot of these smaller ad reads, which will probably not go on forever.

[819] That's right.

[820] Now, to get to your point, Matt, I am always going to do erectile dysfunction ads, even if I don't get paid for them.

[821] I'm going to do erectile dysfunction ads.

[822] These are things I happen to be fascinated with.

[823] What?

[824] I'm just making noises.

[825] And then back hair removal.

[826] That was very gold -bloomingy.

[827] Yeah.

[828] Well, he's a big influence on me. Listen to that podcast.

[829] Back hair removal, that's, it's a great system because my way of getting, I get just a tuft on the low back, where the back, doesn't yet quite meet the buttock, the low back area.

[830] You asked Matt, you asked, so I'm going to get into it.

[831] So my old way of dealing with it was to use a regular razor and set it on a counter.

[832] And with the rotating blade pointed out, and then I would put on the bathing suit, and I would pull it low, and then I would back up into it and shave this tuft of, And I'll be honest with you, I have an orange.

[833] It's like an orange orangutan capri -colored body hair.

[834] And I will back up into it and then undulate my low back until I felt the thip -thip -thip, that's T -H -I -P, thip of little chunks of orange coppery hair hitting the tiles of my bathroom floor.

[835] That was what I was doing until that incredible back hair removal system.

[836] I should get that tattooed on my hand.

[837] What?

[838] What's that?

[839] Okay, let's everyone take it easy.

[840] Let's just back away from the microphone.

[841] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[842] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[843] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[844] Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song.

[845] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[846] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[847] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[848] Got a question for Conan?

[849] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[850] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[851] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[852] This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.