Lars Ulrich

[0] Hey, everyone.

[1] My name is Lars Ulrich, and I feel psyched about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] You know what?

[3] I'll take it.

[4] Fall is here.

[5] Hear the yell.

[6] Back to school.

[7] Ring the bell.

[8] Brand new shoes.

[9] Walking loose.

[10] Climb the fence.

[11] Books and pens.

[12] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[13] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[14] Okay.

[15] So I shouldn't think, right?

[16] Would you start talking?

[17] Yeah.

[18] You guys get mad when I think.

[19] No, no. I didn't do that.

[20] I was inhaling.

[21] Okay.

[22] I wasn't snoring.

[23] Like, I was bored.

[24] Here we go.

[25] I think that's good.

[26] Corn cob.

[27] Why do you say corn cob so much?

[28] Cheddar cheese.

[29] Let's go.

[30] Lumbar support.

[31] Nothing means anything.

[32] This is all going in.

[33] No, no, it's going in.

[34] Three, two.

[35] Hey there.

[36] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, podcast that gives and gives.

[37] it never stops Gives and gives what?

[38] I don't know Okay And it does stop Plasma Yeah it stops There's like a run time And then it stops Okay terrible I'm starting again I want a better intro This will all stay in though Yeah yeah I want it out I command it Okay we'll listen to you Three Got it Hey there Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a friend Yeah we know we already heard this No You didn't You cut out the other stuff So this is a fresh start to a podcast, a professional opening, and you edited, as I asked you to, Sona, how are you?

[39] I'm all right.

[40] I'm not bad.

[41] Okay.

[42] Great, great.

[43] It's so awkward when you answer that, when you ask that, because also we've been sitting in this room for a long time.

[44] Ask me, how I'm doing.

[45] How are you doing?

[46] I'm doing great, thanks.

[47] Not awkward at all.

[48] Gourley, how are you?

[49] You're all pretty good.

[50] Well, I don't understand.

[51] I, um, maybe it's because for 28 years, I would say good evening ladies and welcome to the show I'd say things that were kind of phony like that I know I'm used to it I'm not you know we'll take a quick break we'll be right back with more fun I used to do that I used to say things like that every night no one says things like that it's a very weird job well because you were throwing to commercial and you were coming back from commercial oh thanks reminding me so you had to say those things okay but there's also yeah like we've been in this room together for a while talking so when you're like how are you doing it's like well we covered that like two hours ago We have chatter when we first come in the room and we talk to each other as human beings and then we start the show.

[52] Yeah.

[53] No, you come in and berate us.

[54] You don't even say hi and then we do this.

[55] Yeah.

[56] Also, God forbid we laugh before when it's not recorded.

[57] Then you and Adam both are just like, you know, stop.

[58] Start recording.

[59] Because a wasted laugh.

[60] I think the greatest crime in the universe.

[61] Yeah.

[62] It tops the murder of an angel.

[63] When there's a good hearty laugh and it's not recorded, it's like if a tree falls in the forest and no one sees it, did it fall?

[64] I think if a laugh happens off mic, it's nothing.

[65] It's not even a laugh.

[66] But what about a shared chuckle among friends?

[67] That's even a richard.

[68] What about when you're at like dinner with your friends and you guys are chuckling?

[69] I mic everything.

[70] Oh.

[71] Yeah.

[72] Oh, you mic it.

[73] Yeah.

[74] Oh, hardy, har, har.

[75] You like, hey, guys, let me get the equipment.

[76] You have a duffel bag.

[77] You'd like to see me get my equipment and I'll tell you that much right now.

[78] No, if I'm going to have, whenever I'm having dinner with like a Marty Short or a Bill Hater or any of these really funny people or John Mullaney, I say to Eduardo, I'm going to dinner with some funny people.

[79] Bring your stuff.

[80] And Eduardo, Mike's it.

[81] Every time.

[82] You get to go?

[83] It's been fun.

[84] Come on, man. He doesn't get to eat.

[85] What?

[86] Where is he sitting?

[87] He's under the table, working the equipment.

[88] Yeah.

[89] You don't even throw him some scraps or anything?

[90] I tried that once, but it turns out he has a nut allergy.

[91] Oh, no. Yeah, I didn't know.

[92] I just shoved some peanuts down there, and then I heard someone's lungs give out.

[93] Wait, why is any under the table while we record here?

[94] Adro, get under the table.

[95] There are certain, yeah, there are certain union rules that we must follow.

[96] But when I'm out to dinner, I can get away with moida.

[97] So, you know, I do feel that way.

[98] I do feel that before, if there's a lot of laughing and joking around, and the laughs are just bouncing around the room and they're not being recorded, it's like sacred blood of the gods seeping into the soil.

[99] No, I want that saved.

[100] Now, is that for the posterity of humankind, or is it because you want to know that there are more people out there feeding off you, like giving you somehow an energy out there in the world laughing.

[101] The minute you said, is it for posterity and the goodness of I knew it was going to be the second one?

[102] I was just like, whatever the second one is, it's that one.

[103] You want people to think you're funny Yes Bingo Oh my God really And I want to capture those laughs Oh I want to capture those laughs That's why I think It's good to turn the mics on Right away And Sonet you come in some days And you just start babbling right away And then you're laughing And you've only got so many You've only got so many laughs in you In a day And we've got to capture them all on the mic She's the greatest laffer She's a great laffer But she's only got so many No I do I can laugh forever Not true No, it's been, this is medically proven.

[104] Oh.

[105] Yeah, yeah.

[106] How old are you now?

[107] 40.

[108] Yeah, 40 -year -old woman has like maybe nine laughs in her a day.

[109] Nine?

[110] True story.

[111] Oh, man. Men have like six.

[112] So I just, like, even if something's funny to me, I just don't laugh?

[113] Laughs require a lot of calcium and we lose calcium over time.

[114] I've studied this extensively.

[115] Right now, you just lost, you just lost three vertebrae.

[116] Oh, man. Just lost three vertebrae.

[117] Oh, no, she's collapsing.

[118] I can't stop.

[119] Oh, no, your left hip, your left hip just shattered.

[120] Come on.

[121] No, don't do that.

[122] It's true story.

[123] Okay, if you say it's true, then it's true.

[124] Yeah, all you have to do is say true story.

[125] If I was a lawyer, that's what I'd do.

[126] When my client said something, I'd just be in my, true story.

[127] Case closed.

[128] True story.

[129] I object, Your Honor.

[130] The opposing counsel keeps yelling true story every time his client says him.

[131] I wish I was a lawyer.

[132] Do you?

[133] No, you don't.

[134] Well, I would, because I would do all that stuff.

[135] I think I'd be very funny in the courtroom.

[136] I think I'd be very, very funny in the courtroom.

[137] But not effective as a lawyer.

[138] Oh, terrible lawyer.

[139] Oh, my clients would go to electric chair left and right.

[140] And they wouldn't be up for capital crimes.

[141] You know, they'd be like jaywalking, electric chair.

[142] But I would have so much fun saying, I object, Your Honor, and then jumping into the witness box and then jumping out, doing all that stuff.

[143] I would love doing that.

[144] What do you think you would have done if you weren't doing comedy?

[145] I think I'd have been murdered a long time ago.

[146] Okay.

[147] Yeah, that makes sense.

[148] Yeah.

[149] I don't know.

[150] I don't know what I would have been doing.

[151] I don't know.

[152] What would you be doing?

[153] I don't know what I've been doing.

[154] Even contemplating it made my mouth fall apart.

[155] I do not know.

[156] It's a very good question.

[157] I think he'd be an insufferable history teacher.

[158] Yes.

[159] Why insufferable?

[160] No, I think you'd be a good one.

[161] No, I think he'd be a good one.

[162] He'd come in with his glasses upside down going, did you hear what happened at the Battle of Hastings?

[163] Yeah.

[164] Let's not get Hastings now.

[165] No, I think I would take your class.

[166] Of course you would, all the ladies would want to take my class.

[167] What?

[168] That I'll be like, who's that dreamy professor?

[169] Okay.

[170] All right, I guess.

[171] Would you write love you on your eyelids like Indiana Joneses?

[172] God, you are so obsessed with Harrison Ford and Indiana Jones.

[173] So anybody listening would not know that because we talked about it off Mike.

[174] You all okay.

[175] See?

[176] And why didn't you put that on Mike, you know?

[177] Well, anytime you work Harrison Ford into more conversations.

[178] He's great.

[179] Yeah.

[180] He's great.

[181] I wish he was my history teacher.

[182] Yes, I know.

[183] I think I would be a great history teacher.

[184] We stop talking about you.

[185] Let's talk more about Harry.

[186] Okay, let me ask you this quickly.

[187] Well, I don't even know what we're talking about anymore, but I know that you are completely fixated on Harrison Ford.

[188] Would you rather have him on the podcast or someone who played James Bond?

[189] Because I know that like Indiana Jones versus James Bond.

[190] What if I said Daniel Craig's outside, but Harrison Ford's also outside.

[191] but only one can come in.

[192] I knew you're going to ask this.

[193] Yes, double team.

[194] Cowboys and aliens.

[195] They were in a movie together.

[196] They're promoting it decades later.

[197] I think I would take, love James Bond, but you've got Indiana Jones and Han Solo there.

[198] Yeah, you would, you would let them London bridge you.

[199] I mean, are you kidding?

[200] She's not wrong.

[201] Can you explain what that is for the listeners?

[202] What am I doing?

[203] You know, my dad occasionally listens to this podcast.

[204] Sonia, would you explain what that?

[205] that meant.

[206] I just think people should Google it.

[207] No, I think you should explain.

[208] Well, it's also called an Eiffel Tower.

[209] Uh, it for people...

[210] God, you're learned.

[211] How many cities have you had weird sex in?

[212] Yeah.

[213] So wait, so what is it?

[214] It's one from the back, one from the front, and they're high -fiving each other.

[215] I see.

[216] Yeah, you are bridging, and they are the apparatus or the Eiffel tower, and they're...

[217] So Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig are doing, uh, Matt Goreley, and, uh, From both ends, and they're high -fiving each other.

[218] And that's called an Eiffel Tower and a London bridge.

[219] Because they're high -fiving.

[220] Yeah, okay.

[221] I know.

[222] I understand.

[223] I understand.

[224] This is the way it has to happen.

[225] This is the only way it can happen.

[226] Then I'm in.

[227] And by in, I mean, they're in.

[228] They're in.

[229] All right.

[230] I'm glad we established that.

[231] I didn't know where we were going with today's conversation, but I'm very satisfied with where we ended up.

[232] Which one's doing the bridge and which one's doing the tunnel?

[233] You know what I mean?

[234] Who am I facing?

[235] Harrison Ford.

[236] And then Daniel Craig's back there.

[237] Yeah.

[238] And then they're high -fiving.

[239] I just want to make sure that visual...

[240] I have to say, Sonan who had an...

[241] All those years you were my assistant, you had an encyclopedic knowledge of all these insane crass sexual positions.

[242] Yeah.

[243] And you knew all the insane names for them.

[244] And they were things like, it's Superman with an eyepatch.

[245] Yeah.

[246] You know, it's...

[247] The California potato chip.

[248] What's that?

[249] Stop making me explain.

[250] these things.

[251] There's kids probably who are listening to learn a little something.

[252] What's a California potato chip?

[253] It's when you do in the morning you peel it off and you make them eat it.

[254] Oh, I know that is a dryback.

[255] Okay, this.

[256] You can't, there needs to be a sensor here.

[257] Yeah, there is.

[258] His name is Adam.

[259] Adam, why are you allowing this to happen?

[260] He's in the corner.

[261] He's in the corner and he's saying this isn't going.

[262] He's terrible.

[263] He's taking notes.

[264] You have to cut all of this off.

[265] I don't think, I think I need to go home now.

[266] Okay.

[267] Can I just ask one more question?

[268] Why is it got to be California?

[269] That's a good question.

[270] I don't know the answer to that.

[271] Why is a Cleveland steamer from Cleveland?

[272] Okay.

[273] You're the filthiest person I ever met, Sona.

[274] You know all of this stuff.

[275] Why is a Rusty Trombone, some guy named Rusty.

[276] Yeah, exactly.

[277] You always come in and say, oh man, you know, I got for the donkey punch, and I'd be like, what are you talking about?

[278] Well, you have your knowledge of the Civil War.

[279] You know, James Bond, and I know, you know, I know that stuff.

[280] I know about the Rusty Trombone.

[281] and that stuff.

[282] Well, you have the power to stop this at any time you want to read that intro.

[283] You're making it go.

[284] Yeah.

[285] Make it stop.

[286] I can't believe we had this filthy talk just before introducing one of Rock's most vicious heavy metal drummers.

[287] She's probably aghast backstage.

[288] I like to say backstage.

[289] Oh my goodness.

[290] They're talking about the California potato chip.

[291] I'm horrified.

[292] Now I've got to get back to Metallica.

[293] I'm so shocked.

[294] We never talked this way in Metallica.

[295] All right, my guest today is the drummer and co -founder of the legendary heavy metal band, Metallica.

[296] He's won nine Grammys.

[297] That's nine more than me with the band and has been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame more than I have.

[298] Now Metallica just released its 11th studio album, 11 more than me, 72 seasons.

[299] And they're headed out on their M -72 World Tour.

[300] I am thrilled.

[301] He's here today.

[302] Lars Ulrich, welcome.

[303] Not too long ago, I'm backstage at a Jack White show, and there you are, and you're just there as a fan, and I'm there as a fan, and we got to chat a little bit.

[304] It was just cool to see you out enjoying music.

[305] Wherever Jack White is playing, if I'm in the same vicinity, I'm always there.

[306] I love Jack, have loved him.

[307] Obviously, going back to the White Stripe Days, I think he personifies that sort of edgy rock and roll, that's becoming less of a, less of a a big, you know, thing these days.

[308] I mean, he's in the studio.

[309] He makes records impulsively, and it's just oozes a lot of the same elements of kind of danger and impulsivity and not quite knowing.

[310] You know, one of my favorite things about him is that he never has a set list.

[311] He just makes it up as he goes along.

[312] And so I'm always watching and, you know, he's doing this song and then song, and then he'll yell back at the other guys in the band, and now we're going to do this.

[313] And then it's...

[314] Yeah, they have to be on their toes.

[315] They really have to be on their toes.

[316] They don't know what he's going to do.

[317] And a word that comes to mind that I...

[318] A lot of my favorite artists embody this word, restless.

[319] And so it was just nice to be backstage.

[320] And there was a lot of cool people backstage.

[321] That's great.

[322] We live up in San Francisco, obviously, as you know, and when we come down to L .A., you know, it's always, oh, my God, look at these backstages.

[323] There's so and so and so.

[324] It's always fun to run into other creative people down here.

[325] But Jack is really one of my maybe top five all -time musicians.

[326] I love him.

[327] And whether he's doing his own stuff, whether he's doing the raconteurs, whether he's obviously back in the day with the white stripes or whatever, he's just such a great artist, unpredictable artist, always interesting to see where he goes.

[328] is so inspiring and on top of that he's a really nice guy he is a nice guy always uh welcomes you you know we're in nashville you know a couple years ago you go to his house and there's a bowling alley and you're hanging out and hey do you want to jam in the in the back in the studio i mean it's he's very embracive and i love that kind of energy some of it sounds desperate to me i'll be honest with you lars some of it you know it sounds like jack doesn't have enough to do and jack if you're listening and he's a friend leave Lars alone you know I think one night is fine but then let's do this let's do that it gets sad you know I'll tell you uh I know what you're saying but I'm gonna get a text from Jack about this we can text him right now how soon did he call you after you gave him his number well I'll tell you what and Jack if you're hearing this you know I love you and nothing but love but for a guy who supposedly doesn't have a phone, you know, he's a pretty engaged texter.

[329] Yes.

[330] You know, so I'm not really quite sure how that works out.

[331] I'm telling you it's a shame.

[332] Whether it's his wife's phone or whether, you know, it's just got a computer, you know, that he texts from, whatever.

[333] Also, he's so pro vinyl, vinyl, vinyl.

[334] He's got the, every time I go to his house, all he does is play CDs.

[335] That's all he does.

[336] And I'll go like, hey, well, do we check out that vinyl record?

[337] He's like, no, I'm not going to listen to that shit.

[338] He said, if you want real quality.

[339] CDs and then it's like more blue oyster cult Zune MP3 Wow You know that's enough time for Jack This is about you man And we are thrilled That you're here I have to say The first thing I wanted to mention is I believe you and I are the same age Born the same year 63?

[340] I'm 77 I was born in 1963 Yeah me too So we're both the same age And you're about to start this tour You've got this new album 72 seasons.

[341] And I've been listening to this one track, this one track, Lux Eternah on it, which I listen to this track.

[342] And I'm thinking, these guys have not lost a step.

[343] Well, thank you.

[344] But I mean, this could have been 1981.

[345] Here it is all these years later.

[346] You're headed out on this massive tour that's going to last two years.

[347] And if someone told me I was going out for two weeks on a tour right now, I would find the nearest chair and beat them with it.

[348] I'd run over to Jack's house.

[349] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[350] I would hide under all his CDs.

[351] I don't know how.

[352] How do you, I mean, at this point in your life, the physicality, the amount of determination it takes, it just blows my mind.

[353] The easy answer is that it doesn't get any easier whatsoever.

[354] And as I've been explaining this in the last week or two as I've started hearing myself do interviews again around this new project, it takes twice.

[355] the effort or more just to reach the same level, just to plateau.

[356] So it's not, you know, I'm on the Peloton an hour and a half a day and I'm working out and I'm watching what I'm eating and I'm being healthy and all that to get better.

[357] It's just to stay the same at this age.

[358] But, you know, I take it seriously.

[359] All of us in our own ways, take it seriously.

[360] All of us have different routines and our own unique ways of approaching it.

[361] And the main thing is that when we get up on that stage, We want to be there for the other guys in the band and obviously for the audience and be the best we can be.

[362] I do find myself often at a sort of crossroads in my mind where I eat the same shit for breakfast every day.

[363] I eat the same shit for lunch every day.

[364] More or less the same thing for dinner every day.

[365] I'm very, very routine -based.

[366] And I really like to be in that routine.

[367] But as soon as I'm out of that routine, I need my tofu for.

[368] dinner and I need my protein and I need this and that.

[369] And then I kind of sit there and go, really, you can't just go to a restaurant with your friends and have like what's on the menu.

[370] You got to be that rigid.

[371] If you could sit here with your 22 year old and go, really, that's what you've become?

[372] So it's like it's a constant, it's a constant battle between those two approaches.

[373] But somebody said a couple of weeks ago when I was explaining these new lifestyle choices, as we call them, he said, you know, it sounds like you, you, you, you, you, it's It feels good to feel good.

[374] And I like that.

[375] I still occasionally drink, but it's like, it's like once a month now.

[376] And I eat my protein and my yogurt and my egg whites and my tofu.

[377] You know, you're describing the rock and roll dream.

[378] That's right.

[379] You know, this is the funny thing.

[380] This is where you're going to end up if you want to keep doing this shit.

[381] There are so many kids.

[382] There's so many kids since, like, 1981 that it'd be like, I want to be James Headfield.

[383] and I want to be Lars Holwick, you know, that's my dream.

[384] And to find out later on that it's, well, okay, you've got to have nine hours of sleep a night, hydrate, avoid the sun, check your stool every day to make sure there's no corn in there, just, but you know, it's the way life goes.

[385] This is the way it goes, you know, the best, this is a, my favorite analogy for a life and aging.

[386] And it's not funny, but it's very profound.

[387] And it's something that I think about a lot is that when you're born, you're dropped into a fast current.

[388] And so you don't even have to do anything.

[389] And you just start growing taller.

[390] You start getting muscle.

[391] You start, you know, everything.

[392] And then the current starts to slow down in your late 20s, early 30s, and then 40.

[393] And then the current kind of stands still.

[394] So in order to make any progress, you need to kind of but then the current starts moving against you so that in order to just stay in the same place you need to start doing butterfly strokes and working hard and what you're describing makes sense which is what we were just doing in Norway shooting this this TV project I did the same thing as you I was my weight and I was working out I was I was eating right and everything just so I could run around and be the jackass that I was 25 years ago Yeah.

[395] Doing nothing.

[396] And you know what?

[397] I mean, as easy it is to make fun of and we can sit here and blah, blah, blah, but I like, when I'm up on stage and I feel strong and I'm in that moment and the four of us are connecting and we're connecting with an audience, whatever the size is, all of it's worth it.

[398] Who would have thought, you know, coming up on 41 years later that Metallica would still be functioning, would still be relevant enough to be.

[399] you know, sitting here with you guys, thank you very much, still be, you know, going out there, going, going out there and playing, you know, a two -year tour.

[400] You cleared a high bar, large.

[401] Going out there and playing a two -year tour and putting the records out that still connect with people and, you know, even in the wake of something like Stranger's Things last summer.

[402] I know, that was crazy.

[403] Reaching more and more people who the fuck would have thought that and who would again thought, you know, if you take it a step.

[404] further and say, you know, McCartney just turned 80.

[405] He's still out there.

[406] Jacker is doing all those sexy bumwiggles better than he's ever done and connected.

[407] But I mean, but he's doing it against his own, he can't stop, you know, now it's involuntary.

[408] No, but you're trying to, it's, it's, it's always that way.

[409] It's a spasm, yeah.

[410] It's always that way.

[411] It's, but I mean, it's, it's certainly, uh, it's inspiring.

[412] And I think that as long as the shoulders and the necks and their knees and the backs and all of it.

[413] If they keep functioning on the four Metallica guys will keep doing this hopefully for another 20 years.

[414] Egg whites and tofu included.

[415] You know, I wanted to just to speak to the just the incredible endurance of your fan base and how loyal they are and how it just, it grew and grew and grew and then they've always been with you and they followed you the whole way.

[416] I mean, the shows, the number of people that you played to, you played one show in Russia to 1 .6 million people.

[417] I believe it was a free show, and I think that was a mistake.

[418] Well, I think, yeah, it was.

[419] You could have cleaned out.

[420] I don't know if the money at that time was worth anything, but it was right in the wake of the perestroika and that transitional stuff.

[421] It was a beautiful thing.

[422] And it was, so it was negotiated between, I think it was Gorbachev.

[423] Maybe Yeltsin was coming into power at the time.

[424] And it was negotiated between the students and the people running the uprisings and the demonstrations and the government in that period of transition that part of what they wanted, the students wanted, was a rock and roll show.

[425] And so A .C. D .Z. and Metallica were on tour in Western Europe that whole summer.

[426] And two, three weeks before the end of the tour, they want you to come to Russia and plan at that time.

[427] I mean, this is just a couple of years after Reagan, you know, Bush Senior was president.

[428] And it was still, you know, the evil Russians and all of that stuff.

[429] And they're going to, you know, drop nuclear bombs on you next week.

[430] And, I mean, there was all that, that crazy, crazy stuff.

[431] So going to Russia was like, holy shit, here we are.

[432] Here we are in the Red Square.

[433] Here we are running around seeing, you know, the sites and the Kremlin.

[434] And then we were there for maybe three days and then played that insane show.

[435] We weren't really prepared for what that was going to be.

[436] And if you go to YouTube now, it is among the most surreal and extraordinary footage of Metallica ever, because like you're saying, it is Metallica.

[437] And whether it's a million people, a million and a half, who knows what the real number is.

[438] But there are tens of thousands of Russian soldiers in uniform that are supposed to be protecting the audience.

[439] And they're as into the show and rocking along as all the kids are.

[440] There are Sikorsky helicopters flying right over the audience.

[441] I don't know if it's a scare tactic or where they're keeping people, whatever it is, but these giants of Korski helicopters hovering right over the odds, it looked like people could just reach out and touch them.

[442] And it is a real mind fuck of a concert to watch, I guess, 30 years later.

[443] So if anybody out there listening, check it out on YouTube.

[444] No, you know, to me it's the power of, and I'm going to want to talk about how I love your origin story is so amazing and your fans all know it, But I want to make sure my fans know your origin story because it is absolutely incredible.

[445] But to think that it started out two guys finding each other, you know, putting ads in the paper.

[446] A cycler.

[447] And then what happens is you end up getting, you can unify all these people in Russia at a very delicate time.

[448] I mean, we could really use that today, obviously, but getting 1 .6 million people to come to a concert.

[449] And I think a lot of them were chaining around.

[450] They know the lyrics, they know the words, they know the syncopation of all the songs, and it's because...

[451] And it was all from bootleg tapes, because there was no record industry in the Eastern Europe at the time.

[452] But the unifying power of that, the unifying power of any kind of art form, but especially the music of Metallica, just worldwide, is a very positive thing.

[453] Yeah, it's pretty critical.

[454] I'll tell you another version of that that comes to mind.

[455] first is we've played down in Abu Dhabi and Dubai a couple, two, three times and great, great place to come and play primarily because the fans come in from Iran, they come in from Iraq, they come in from Saudi, they come in from Kuwait, they come in from Lebanon, they come in from Bahrain, they come in from Syria, they come in from all over the Middle East, and you're playing to 30, 40 ,000 kids, we've done it two, three times, and they all bring their flags, their national flags.

[456] That's cool.

[457] The Iranians and the Iraqis and the Saudis and everybody else are sharing and experience together.

[458] Right.

[459] You know, we've played in India.

[460] We've played in, you know, places like Indonesia, Malaysia.

[461] You played Antarctica, didn't you?

[462] We played Antarctica.

[463] Yes.

[464] We were.

[465] There was a one year.

[466] And then there was a polar bear attack at one point.

[467] One year, it was by chance.

[468] It was not something that we set down.

[469] Well, in, you know, two years from now, let's check all the seven continent boxes it wasn't like that we were playing somewhere we're playing somewhere we were playing and then we were five or six into it and somebody said well hang on a second if we're going to do this then let's do it and we got an offer from um i think it was coca cola uh they were doing a contest for latin america and they invited us to come down and play for contest winners on a chilean research base in antarctica and so we flew down talk about different nationalities together.

[470] We were on a Russian icebreaker on a Chilean anchored off a Chilean research base playing to Argentinian Chilean and Brazilian Coca -Cola contest winners in a space that was maybe twice of the room we're in.

[471] Right.

[472] And it was a small room, yeah.

[473] It was a tent that was set up.

[474] And on top of that, everybody in the audience had headphones on like we all do now because it was silent disco style.

[475] because part of the deal was we couldn't disturb the environment and the penguins and all the incredible wildlife down there.

[476] So the only thing you could hear in that tent were the drums, were the acoustic drums and James' vocals.

[477] But all the amplifier, everything that was amplified, the guitarist, the bass, etc., were all going through these sort of boxes into everybody's headphones.

[478] So you put all those elements together, And that was one of the most unique three or four days ever.

[479] And on top of it, the band members and all our wonderful crew and all the contest winners were staying on that icebreaker together.

[480] So it was a real communal experience.

[481] And we all had our meals together.

[482] And if anybody wanted a beverage or a post -show drink or whatever, we go down the bar.

[483] And it was the 200 contest winners.

[484] It was one of the best trips we've ever had.

[485] And then one guy asked for a Pepsi.

[486] And he was thrown overboard.

[487] Exactly.

[488] I want to get to your origin story, but first I wanted to, this is a little unusual, but I brought a friend of mine in who I've worked with for many years.

[489] He's a brilliant writer on the show, and he's helped us out, Matt right over there.

[490] Hi, I'm not usually here.

[491] No, no, no. And we don't, Matt and I don't get along, but I invited him in.

[492] That's why we're not that I would know.

[493] It'll come out, don't worry.

[494] But Matt, we've known each other since, for how long, since 2009?

[495] 07.

[496] Oh, 7.

[497] Okay, it feels like 09.

[498] But anyway, we've known each other since 2007.

[499] Every day he comes in, he wants to talk to me about Metallica.

[500] Every single day.

[501] And he plays me, he tells me what you're up to, and I appreciate it because I'm a fan as well.

[502] But I thought...

[503] I feel like I should apologize.

[504] It's been great.

[505] It's been great to not break common ground with Conan for almost 20 years.

[506] No, no, no. It's been...

[507] But, man, you, you were in New York, and you found out that Lars was going to be here today.

[508] And you flew here.

[509] I couldn't miss it.

[510] Well, I couldn't miss it.

[511] All kidding.

[512] All kidding.

[513] All kidding.

[514] Thank you very much.

[515] Thanks for being here.

[516] Thanks for coming out.

[517] How many shows have you been to?

[518] 62.

[519] Oh, wow.

[520] What was your first one?

[521] Atlanta 93.

[522] Do you remember him?

[523] Lakewood?

[524] Lakewood.

[525] Yeah.

[526] Lakewood.

[527] Wait a minute.

[528] Wait a minute.

[529] Wait a minute.

[530] Wait a minute.

[531] How did you know that?

[532] Lakewood Amphithe.

[533] theater.

[534] I, um, if we go around a room and you say Atlanta or you say, uh, Louisville and you say, uh, whatever, Dallas Houston, I can pretty quickly identify the venue, remember the shows and, um, and remember the tours and stuff.

[535] Yeah, I don't know my children's name.

[536] Let me try one on you.

[537] We can help you with that.

[538] Antarctica.

[539] Antarctica was, uh, December 13.

[540] Wow.

[541] Yeah, wow.

[542] Yeah, it's, uh, This weird.

[543] People are very generous.

[544] They call it encyclopedia -like.

[545] I often play along on that tangent.

[546] I do feel increasingly that, you know, if you put me, James and Kurt together in the same room, we can pretty much as three of us make a hole.

[547] And we can remember all of it 100%.

[548] But I remember all the dates.

[549] So if you say, where were you in, you know, February 08?

[550] I can go.

[551] We were right there.

[552] We played there.

[553] We played this venue.

[554] But Atlanta, I mean, has always been great in Lakewood and the Omni.

[555] Yeah, the Omni, which is not there anymore.

[556] But what's amazing about the fact that you remember, every city had an amphitheater that looked kind of the same, which was just that rake with a lawn in the back.

[557] So the fact that you remember specifically that it was called Lake, because that must, they must all look the same from the stage a little bit.

[558] It was a lot easier back in the day because, you know, 20, 30 years ago, when we came up, sort of the 80s and 90s, all the venues, whether they were, you know, Coliseums, auditoriums, or arenas, or the amphitheaters, they all had geographical, primarily geographical names.

[559] So if you were in, you know, it was the Phoenix Municipal Auditorium.

[560] And if you were in Atlanta, it was Lakewood, or it was the Omni or it was attached to the CNN Center, or whatever.

[561] Now when you go to all these places, every one of them is called the FedEx building.

[562] Yes, it's a corporate name, yeah.

[563] Or the state farm insurancing.

[564] And so you can't, can't kind of keep track because the naming rights of those change every couple, three, five years.

[565] So you're sitting there going, did I play this before, you know, and before the bank bought the name.

[566] Yeah.

[567] And so I saw you at the Depend Center, you know, in Orlando.

[568] And you're just, damn it, why did they buy it?

[569] Astro -gliderina.

[570] God knows we've played all of them.

[571] Actually, we played to the Continent's thing one year on the Justice Tour in 80s.

[572] 88, 89, we were 46 or 47 states into it, and we realized, shit, you know, should we go for 50?

[573] And so there was no...

[574] Depends on what the other ones are.

[575] Yeah, what were they?

[576] So there was no arena, or at least at that time, there was no arena in Delaware.

[577] And there was no arena in Vermont.

[578] So in Vermont, we played a high school gymnasium.

[579] And in Delaware, we played a club, maybe a...

[580] stone balloon or something I think it was called and and so we ended up playing all 50 of the state because at that time you know hitting Honolulu and hitting Anchorage was a fairly regular stop Sullivan Arena up in Anchorage and the NBC Arena in Honolulu were regular parts of you know what just reminds me of I was that Bill Wyman was famously the bass player for the Rolling Stones for, you know, a good, good chunk of their run.

[581] And he had, he was the encyclopedia.

[582] He had an encyclopedic knowledge, but of a specific thing.

[583] You know, everyone would think like, oh, my God, you were there.

[584] You were there for all these seminal moments, and you were in this amazing rock band, and you went through this incredible time.

[585] And apparently when you read through his diaries, it's all, we played this venue.

[586] Here's how much we got paid.

[587] Here's how much I put in this much for the cab I took home And then I charge this much for the dry cleaning Then we pay Yeah, no, I've heard that story too Yeah, yeah, and it's over And like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pages And you think, how about, was there a moment Where Jagger irritated you?

[588] Or should you not have been an accountant?

[589] Or even better, was there a moment where you guys really connected as a rock and roll band to an audience?

[590] Well, what does that have to do with how much money I got paid?

[591] And how much money the cab cost.

[592] No, but his, yeah, his accountant was thrilled with him.

[593] You know, I just wanted to mention quickly for people, your career touches on a philosophy and a theory that I've had for a long time that I've been thinking about.

[594] And I bring it up a lot on this program.

[595] And I've brought it up a lot in different speeches I've given, which is this theory I have that it's your failure to be what you think you're supposed to be.

[596] that often leads you to the thing you're really supposed to be.

[597] And no one demonstrates that better than you, Lars, because you come from this incredible tennis playing family, and you're born in Denmark, and that's the plan, and you're playing tennis and you're working your way up through the system, and then you end up, you come to the states to play tennis, and it isn't quite working out for you.

[598] It's not happening.

[599] And the next thing you know, you come to Newport Beach, and it really doesn't happen.

[600] And you decide, all right, since I was like nine or ten, I've been obsessed with this kind of music that I've been hearing.

[601] And it is, we'd call it New Wave British Heavy Metal.

[602] New Wave of British Heavy Metal was a specific thing that came out of the sort of the, you know, you know, Matt, right?

[603] Sure.

[604] It came out of the, the 32nd version is that a lot of the big bands, you know, whether it was, you know, Lut Zeppelin, or Deep Purple or the yeses of the world or the genesis of the world all these bands as they pinged floor as they went on and on there was not necessarily my perception but to a lot of people they became larger than life and sort of lost touch with the streets and where they came from and so the 30 second version is punk kind of grew out of that as a response to I can learn how to play three chords and I want to be in a band I don't have to write 20 minute epics and do all that kind of stuff.

[605] And so punk rock was sort of born as a contrary musical force to that.

[606] Yeah, yeah.

[607] And then the new wave of British heavy metal sort of came out.

[608] That was the hard rock version of the punk movement with, you know, all the bands were doing it themselves, putting out their own EPs and singles and their own tapes and their own tapes and playing all the local clubs and kind of, you know, bringing it up themselves punk rock styles.

[609] And the bands that came out of that were Iron Maiden, Def Leopard, sack.

[610] and Tigers of Pantang, Angel, which, Diamond Head, I think you know all of them.

[611] But when I started hearing Diamond Head and the Tigers of Pantang and two -degree bands like Iron Maintenance on it, it's like, I can do that.

[612] And so when I came to, I spent a year at Nick Bolotteris Tennis Academy in Florida, Sarasota, Bradenton, the first year and ran screaming out of there, back to Denmark.

[613] And then we ended up then in Newport Beach.

[614] I was going to go to Carmel Del Mar High School, which was one of the highest ranked tennis high schools in in the country and uh six months later in february as the tryouts were for the tennis team uh i was ranked in the top 10 in my age groups in denmark i wasn't one of the seven best tennis players going to coronal delmar high school i didn't make the fucking tennis team so that that's what are my other options that's screwed up my friday afternoon plans yeah and so uh i uh i went back to back to the house and and And dove deeper into my diamond head and my Iron Maiden records and, you know, got a drum kit together and said, you know what, let's try this rock and roll thing and then place the ad and the recycler.

[615] So this is the thing.

[616] You place an ad in the recycler saying this is specifically the kind of music I want to play.

[617] The only thing is that no one in the States at that time really knows that music.

[618] You are unusual because you're this agent that's come over from Europe.

[619] You're familiar with it.

[620] But you alone sort of know about.

[621] this.

[622] You put this ad in the, and then at the same time, this guy says he's looking for a drummer that plays a similar kind of music, a little different because he also mentions Aerosmith, but it's James Hetfield.

[623] That's crazy.

[624] Yeah, the key word, you set the word alone.

[625] Even when I think back to that time, it was a very lonely time.

[626] You know, I would walk into Carmelton -Mar High School.

[627] And listen, I was an average student.

[628] I wasn't like a complete misfit or fuck up or whatever, but I was a loner.

[629] I was an average student, and I would walk in with my Iron Maiden t -shirts and my Saxon T -shirts, and they would all sort of look at me. They weren't like bullying me. There was nothing like weird, weird.

[630] But I was just a loner and an outcast.

[631] And, you know, if you talk to heavy metal, if you talk to others about heavy metal at the time, you know, it was, oh, you know, Kansas or Ario Speedwagon or Sticks or Van Halen or whatever, no disrespect to any of them.

[632] but the stuff that we were that was turning us on and inspiring us was quite a bit edgier than that and so when james and i connected i got a chance to play him a lot of the you know this music these singles he like you said came a little bit more from from the aerosmith and and you know maybe said new gentlin of skinner and so on but it was big in america at the time but he had heard of iron maiden he knew judas priest and the scorpions and when we put our collective music collect, you know, music libraries together.

[633] It gelled really quickly and off we went.

[634] There's something, I don't want to get too geeky about this, but one thing I should tell you is that I was always fascinated by drumming.

[635] The syncopation, the time changes.

[636] It's so exacting that sometimes I wonder like, like, how are you doing that?

[637] How are you doing that without some, you know, it is, I mean, you guys turn on a dime.

[638] It stops, starts, and this is really on you, changes time, and I see the way you look at James Hetfield, and he's looking at you, and you guys are, it's constantly modulating, changing, I kind of don't understand how that happens.

[639] I just don't understand how you can do that, and each song has its own signature and has its own arrangement, and there's not sheet music, there's not anyone there.

[640] You know what I mean?

[641] If there was sheet music, it would make it harder to play.

[642] Yeah, yeah.

[643] So, you guys need a conductor that's what you need tap tap tap all right let's begin gentlemen it used to be really funny like comical back in the days we used to work very closely with this company called Cherry Lane I believe they were called and they back in the day would do before YouTube's and all these things you know if you wanted to look at the sheet music for these records that everybody was putting out and people wanted to play along you would Cherry Lane would come in after you'd finished your record and then they would transcribe your music and then they would put it out back in the day it's like the guys in Sherry Lane don't understand what happens in this song from there to there can you help them and we're like absolutely no chance in hell we can help not because we didn't want to but just we didn't know you don't know what you did we don't know how to articulate what we just do it it's something that becomes instinctive I don't know intuition, I don't know, primal, whatever words you want to put to it.

[644] And then, you know, you kind of sit there, six months later, these Cherry Lane books out there and everybody's like, and then you meet some dude, you know, backstage where he says, you know, in the shortest straw, I don't know if that was transcribed correctly.

[645] And we're sitting there.

[646] You have to answer for that.

[647] We are the last people on this planet that will know if that was transcribed properly or not.

[648] But we just kind of come up with it.

[649] obviously, you know, some of the stuff back in the day was a little nuttier.

[650] Now we really like, you know, the feel and creating songs that have moods and swagger and bounce and, you know, pockets, as we called it, like rhythmic pockets.

[651] Some of the earlier songs, like, I don't know, like a song like One, or if we play a song like a Justice For All.

[652] Fight Fire with Fire.

[653] Fight Fire with Fire is, yeah, that's, whoa.

[654] You know, some of that stuff, you really have to sort of be very in the moment.

[655] still, but if you start drifting, it happened to me, it doesn't happen very often, thankfully.

[656] That's not wood.

[657] But this is wood.

[658] High density polymer.

[659] This is wood.

[660] But there was a time in, where were we in?

[661] Oh, you know where you were.

[662] It was last year, it was in.

[663] You were at the urinal cake arena.

[664] Shittsburg, Missouri.

[665] We were in Bella Horizonte last, just about a year ago in Brazil.

[666] and my mind started drifting for a couple of like three, five songs.

[667] I had one of those out -of -body experiences where I was sitting up on states.

[668] There's 50, 60 ,000 crazy cool, in -it Brazilians with us.

[669] My three bandmates there, and I had, you know, 15 minutes of like, why are all these people looking at me?

[670] Why?

[671] Why am I on stage?

[672] What does all this mean?

[673] you know where you just sit there and go like okay don't think like this just what's the next part and fucking just find somebody down in the front row and you know do this and get in the moment yeah yeah you're being blinded by a spotlight and it's like you had like a 15 minute freak out or whatever doesn't happen very often but it still does and I guess the good part of that is that it reiterates the fact that you're human I think that happens to to all of us I was you know I had so many drum questions I wanted to ask, but they're, well, I mean, just the...

[674] What is a drum?

[675] Well, you just took my first question.

[676] While we're getting all metaphysical here, let's get...

[677] No, but I mean, I just, what you've done with the bass drum, the bass pedals, and just the footwork that's, I mean, I can't understand how people can do that.

[678] I don't understand how anyone can do that, but I...

[679] I think that, you know, like we talked about staying in shape, I do believe that somewhere in there is a correlation to growing up around tennis, because tennis is, if you're going to break it down into one word that really echoes into drumming, I'd say that it's the word balance.

[680] What I'll say is, and it's the highest compliment I can pay, is that I always know it's you.

[681] I think if you went and cut an album with Oreo Speedwagon, and no one knew it, I'd wonder, and I didn't know anything, and I just heard it, I'd say, why is Lars playing with REO Speedwagon?

[682] And I think on, I think, why isn't Lars playing?

[683] Yeah, why isn't?

[684] That's what they're asking.

[685] But to me, the ultimate goal of any person with an instrument is to make it uniquely their own.

[686] And you've done that.

[687] Thank you.

[688] It means a lot.

[689] My, it shouldn't, because I'm not a, I'm a comedian.

[690] Remember who you're talking to, Lars.

[691] You know who this is?

[692] At this point, at this point.

[693] This means nothing to me. It's what you should have said.

[694] You compliment every guest's drumming ability, no matter whether they play or not.

[695] At this point in my life, I take all the compliments in.

[696] And I say that semi -jokingly, but back in the day, you know, when I was 20 or 30, I never slowed down long enough to take the compliments in.

[697] So I'm sure everybody can relate to a version.

[698] We're all just in such a hurry.

[699] Yeah.

[700] So I just want to make sure I mention 72 seasons is the new album.

[701] Yes.

[702] And how many albums has a...

[703] spend this is 11 right i'm not the one to ask i think mad is the one to trust him yeah it's somewhere because it i've been your manager for several years which is uh much appreciated but it gets into all that stuff about you know the live albums count do the cover albums count does your phony phone calls album count exactly metallic and the jerky boys oh i want it but you know somewhere around 11 or 12 give or take.

[704] It's not 20 to 30.

[705] And you're starting a two -year tour, M -72 tour.

[706] And Matt, I want to go to a show with you.

[707] You and I, finally.

[708] No, I really do.

[709] I've been asking since 2007.

[710] I know, but you always ask when there's work to be done.

[711] Well, now that things are winding down.

[712] You and I can finally.

[713] Oh, I wonder where they were.

[714] They're winding down?

[715] No one told me. I don't know.

[716] You said there was always work to be done.

[717] I think we're doing it.

[718] We're doing a couple nights at SoFi.

[719] Sofi.

[720] So a couple nights at Sofi, I think.

[721] Well, it's a two -night commitment, Conan.

[722] Because it's a different set each night.

[723] And of course, of course, the band's going to want me to come out for a set with my acoustic guitar.

[724] Let there be no question about that.

[725] And now you playing Georgia satellites with Metallica.

[726] I got some change in my pocket.

[727] If you ever want to have the opposite.

[728] reaction just for fun just say hey everybody connor o 'brien's going to come out now we're going to interrupt the show and he's bringing his acoustic guitar and then you're going to see people as i start to play file out they will file out now don't come back the next night we have our version of that it's either you know when we need to clear the house it's we do a drum solo or we you know we do whatever there's there's multiple versions of that yeah yeah if you want to come out and help clear the house, the stage is yours.

[729] Anytime you feel that you want to get rid of the crowd quickly, let's say there's an emergency and you need the crowd out of there, I will come on stage and I'll sing Aqualong.

[730] We've had some...

[731] Let's go.

[732] I mean, it reminds me. I was talking to somebody interview a couple days ago where we were talking about our history of L .A., and I mean, We've had some of the best shows of our career in L .A. Because the fans here are so passionate.

[733] And obviously, going back to the K &A C days, Long Beach Arena, what are those 16 ,000 seats in there?

[734] We've paid for about 15 ,000 of those 16 ,000 seats over the years because every time we would play Long Beach Arena, people would just take the cushion, you know, play Frisbee with it inside the arena.

[735] And next day it would be like, okay, Metallica, here's those 300.

[736] thousand dollars worth of cushion shopping that we had to do for you know wait you you have to pay for that oh fuck yeah we i had to go on james and i had to go on k -nac multiple times and listen whatever you know you're our fans and we're your fans and we're all in this together we want you to have a good time and we support that but understand one thing when you're rebelling if you think you're rebelling against the building or rebelling against authority or rebelling against a man or whatever the fuck it is you think you're rebelling against.

[737] The only people you're really rebelling against is Metallica, which is fine.

[738] But we had a similar situation a couple years later at L .A. Coliseum.

[739] I don't know if we were playing and there was whoever had booked the L .A. Coliseum show at that time, things were maybe slightly more unpredictable about sort of the physical elements of the makeup of these shows and in front of the stage the whole lawn or the you know, the football field at the L .A. Coliseum was all folding chairs.

[740] Oh, Jesus.

[741] So, I don't know if any of the six of you would like to guess were 40 ,000 folding chairs ended up.

[742] About, you know, three songs into the set.

[743] Yeah.

[744] Yeah, that's right.

[745] All those, whatever, there was, 30, 40 ,000 folding chairs ended up on stage.

[746] And you got them in.

[747] And so we had to stop the show as all these folding chairs.

[748] were being, I mean, it was, I mean, you're talking, you talked earlier going on about, like, you couldn't script some of this shit.

[749] Yeah, yeah.

[750] I mean, you really couldn't script some of the things.

[751] No, I wanted to sit a comedy show, and I didn't know that it was lawn dart night.

[752] 35 ,000 people had a lawn dart underneath their chair.

[753] I was killed.

[754] I'm a ghost now.

[755] That's where this story goes.

[756] Anyway, I like the idea of Metallica having to stack neatly to folding chairs on racks.

[757] Excuse us.

[758] Guys, we're going to cut creeping deaths short right now.

[759] We'll be back in 30 minutes after we'll be stacked over.

[760] There's a meeting after this.

[761] We have to get these to them in good condition.

[762] I can't picture an old lady talking to James Hetfield and saying, no, no, no, that's, there's still seven cushions unaccounted for.

[763] You're not going anywhere.

[764] All right.

[765] Hey, Lars, you are a busy man. You're about to leave on a two -year tour, and my offer stands.

[766] I will clear your audience.

[767] Thank you.

[768] We will take you up on that.

[769] With my version of my take on Aqualong anytime you need that.

[770] But best of luck, 72 seasons is the new album, the M72 tour is starting.

[771] I'm going to be there with my friend Matt.

[772] Please.

[773] And we're the same vintage and you inspire me. What month are you born?

[774] I was born April 18th, 1963.

[775] Eight months older than I am, yeah, in December.

[776] Although on Wikipedia, I'm only 44.

[777] I have someone who just keeps putting that in But anyway Congratulations on your insane crazy success And for sharing your story with us It's amazing Great to see all of you guys We'll see everybody out there We'll see you guys at SoFi All right Thanks a lot Lars Take care, thank you I have a suspicion That most of our fans are hardcore sports fanatics And I think we should talk about baseball because baseball has changed significantly this season and everybody's talking about it.

[778] I mean, this is a game that has been around, it's been America's pastime forever, going back to the 19th century, and now they've fundamentally changed it in these fascinating ways.

[779] Well, you've come to the right two people.

[780] I know, I was like, is it a bit?

[781] Is this a fit?

[782] No clue.

[783] Oh, wait, you know what?

[784] I heard that they did a bunch of stuff to make the game go faster.

[785] Yes, games were getting very long.

[786] And I think the average game at one point, was pushing three hours.

[787] More than three hours.

[788] More than three hours.

[789] So, Eduardo, feel free to weigh in because you know about this.

[790] But one of the things is there's a pitch clock.

[791] So you know the one you'll be watching baseball and the pitcher's fidgeting and then the batter steps out of the box but then gets back in again.

[792] You think this is, come on, let's go.

[793] Yeah.

[794] So baseball players are like notorious for being habitual everything.

[795] So and superstitious, excuse me. So they'll reset their batting glove after every pitch.

[796] And so that's what would lead.

[797] to the three -hour game, but now there's a pitch clock.

[798] There's a pitch clock.

[799] They also made, there's a pitch clock, so the pitcher has to pitch by a certain time.

[800] The batter can't be stepping out of the box all the time.

[801] It's like an automatic, you know, strike or ball if either the pitcher or the batter goes over.

[802] The other thing they did is they made the bass is bigger.

[803] Yes.

[804] Because...

[805] How big?

[806] Are we talking like 20 feet?

[807] Well, it's so funny.

[808] Then I'd watch baseball.

[809] They're much larger.

[810] I think they're so big.

[811] several inches larger, which makes a huge difference.

[812] A couple inches bigger, which encourages more stolen bases.

[813] To make the game, because we were getting into a rut where it was either massive home runs or strikeouts.

[814] This is like what they did to the Oscars.

[815] Now I'm understanding what's happening.

[816] Oh, okay.

[817] But it's got me thinking they should do more.

[818] You know, like I'm thinking, and this is a thing I've always thought about, which is and just hear me out, baseball fans, if when you hit the ball, you're up the plate, you hit the ball, you have the option.

[819] You can run to first or you can run to third that would be really exciting now check this out once you've committed to your base your base direction that remains your base direction for the until yeah you have to so you have players now you can't just run to third and then suddenly be on third and just have one more base of course not once you run to third third essentially becomes first but there's a adds a whole level of strategy and I do want people to hear me out on this and consider this this is my platform.

[820] I think it's a brilliant idea.

[821] And so you have to make a, you have to make a split second decision about, I hit the ball, I'm going to first or am I running to third, and it changes everything.

[822] Now, here's the cool thing.

[823] If you do this, you start to get players crossing each other in the base path, okay?

[824] Do they have to high five or do they have to like acknowledge each other?

[825] No, no. You don't, this is what happens.

[826] When players cross each other, you use special effects, one of them, it's not dangerous, they're wearing special suits, but when they cross each other, both catch fire briefly.

[827] It would look so fucking cool.

[828] Okay, you had me until this point.

[829] No, they'd be like a pyrotechnic burst as they crossed each other, and it would look so cool.

[830] Can you imagine on instant replay like a burst of flame behind each of their backs?

[831] They're fine, they're safe, but when they, just as they pass each other, people would be watching the game hoping that players would cross each other on the base pass so they'd see that burst of flame.

[832] It's like hunger games because she has that dress that goes on fire.

[833] Exactly.

[834] And a lot of our sports fans listening right now.

[835] Really trying to understand this by putting it from his perspective.

[836] Yeah, movies.

[837] Okay, all right.

[838] I don't know about the fire.

[839] Okay, that might have been stupid.

[840] The fire was...

[841] But what about it?

[842] Edwardo, what do you think?

[843] I like the idea of being able to run whichever direction you want.

[844] But then what do you do when you hit for a double?

[845] right and you got to run a second he'll always get it to second but then you can get two people out at the same time without even doing a double play it depends how do double plays work exactly yeah you just you just step on one base and both of them are out no no no that would have to be adjusted and again that's where I think the flames might help don't trust me the flames are I know it's a little theatrical but a little well I'm going to stick to it but I know there's stuff that needs to be worked out I'm not saying that this is automatically okay.

[846] This is interesting, though, because aren't people like chosen just because they play first base really well, but now they'd have to be good at first and essentially third?

[847] Right, but also what if then teams would know the guy at third base isn't as great.

[848] We're going to quickly, we're going to hit the ball and he's going to go to third.

[849] But that may end up being a mistake depending on where the other hiters in the lineup hit.

[850] So I think what we're basically going is from checkers to three -dimensional chess.

[851] I agree.

[852] I think this is great.

[853] Is it still called first, second, and third base?

[854] I mean, is it like...

[855] Oh, good question.

[856] Well, third should be...

[857] No, no. No, no, no. And then first...

[858] Clearly, we've chosen the right committee for this.

[859] Listen, I like this.

[860] It should just be second.

[861] Yeah, second will always be second.

[862] Yeah.

[863] But if you want...

[864] If third is thirst, then so be it.

[865] Thirst, third and second.

[866] What's on thirst?

[867] Yes.

[868] Third base.

[869] Thirst base.

[870] Third base.

[871] Third base.

[872] I just think there was a bunch of new ways to improve the game.

[873] I agree.

[874] Is this helping the time stuff?

[875] No, it doesn't actually.

[876] The game's sped up now, which is good.

[877] Somebody has to put out the fire, though, right?

[878] So that's going to take time.

[879] No, no, the fire is not, let's not be silly about the fire.

[880] The fire is not a thing to be ridiculed or, this isn't funny.

[881] What it is, is it's just a quick pyrotechnic burst when they cross each other.

[882] And it's just going to look very cool.

[883] No one's, what are they wearing?

[884] They have stuff on their head that's fireproof.

[885] Like, my hair caught on fire once just by blowing out a birthday candle.

[886] So it's so easy.

[887] But, Sona, the amount of stuff in your hair.

[888] Come on.

[889] No, it's so, it's ridiculous what's in there.

[890] I'm just saying it's so easy for something to catch on fire.

[891] You practically work candle wax into your hair every morning.

[892] You're one to talk.

[893] Oh, please.

[894] There's nothing in here.

[895] There's just some mayonnaise and some spackle.

[896] And that's it.

[897] I'm not going to be ridiculed.

[898] I just think a lot of people are going to die.

[899] That would make it more exciting.

[900] First of all, that would get some attention.

[901] But, Eduardo, that's what I'm pitching, is we keep all the changes they've made.

[902] But when you hit the ball, you can go, you can choose your own base path.

[903] I like it.

[904] And I would like the league to start considering my ideas.

[905] I think that baseball has taken the first step, but needs to take literally maybe nine more steps.

[906] You want to, like, professional wrestling put that veneer on baseball, basically.

[907] I want that treatment.

[908] You want the bats to be made of different materials, so the balls move much more quickly and are more lethal.

[909] And I think that's going to be cool, because then there's going to be a real scary element.

[910] I got it on that.

[911] And this kind of thematically goes with your bases thing.

[912] So they don't have a bat, they have a broad sword, and they can hit it with the flat end like a bat, or they can hit it with the sharpen, and it splits the ball at two.

[913] And so then they're headed towards either thirst or fur.

[914] And you have to field both halves.

[915] Yes.

[916] Yeah.

[917] And by the time they get home.

[918] But there's a little gold coin in the ball that comes free when you cut it in half.

[919] And if an opposing player can get to that coin and swallow it, then everybody's out.

[920] Now we're talking.

[921] Is it chocolate?

[922] It's got a little chocolate in it.

[923] Oh, cool.

[924] Yeah.

[925] But also, for reasons I don't understand some asbestos as well.

[926] Oh, man. Listen, I'm just baseball.

[927] I'm here.

[928] Yeah.

[929] And I am ready to talk because.

[930] You just want baseball to contact you.

[931] Yeah.

[932] Yeah.

[933] I want the concept of baseball.

[934] I don't want to hear from Major League Baseball.

[935] Boring.

[936] I want the concept of baseball to film me. Can there be like, I don't know, robots?

[937] Are there robots in the Japanese league?

[938] I had a robot waiter come serve me at Hoff's Hut the other day.

[939] You know, they could do it at baseball.

[940] So yeah, there could be, each team could have one robot.

[941] Okay.

[942] They're talking about having robot umpires.

[943] Well, there should be.

[944] In two seasons.

[945] Oh.

[946] Two seasons now.

[947] Yeah.

[948] But not, you're just, you're just talking about the same kind of robot that tells you I'm thinking small.

[949] No, no, you're talking about the kind of robot that says the ball was over the line in tennis, which is basically just a sophisticated laser system.

[950] We want real, beep, beep, burt, burp, it is my turn to bat.

[951] We suck on this.

[952] We want those kind of robots.

[953] Clink, clank, clank, clank.

[954] Did you ever play baseball?

[955] I played stickball a lot when I was a kid.

[956] Okay.

[957] So you're not coming from like a position of like, I've played this and I know what needs to.

[958] to change.

[959] Yeah, you didn't play any Little League?

[960] No, I tried to play Little League when it was on my 30s, and I was discouraged.

[961] I didn't play Little League either.

[962] You say it like every...

[963] I thought every kid played Little League baseball.

[964] We did have a stick ball.

[965] We had a wall that had a spray -painted strike zone, and I played stickball a lot, which I loved.

[966] And we'd play it with a tennis ball.

[967] Okay.

[968] It was a lot of fun.

[969] You were a little rascal.

[970] I really was.

[971] And I played it, and yeah, I would sell newspapers.

[972] It said the Hindenberg exploded, and then I would go play stickball with my friends.

[973] And then it was time for all of us to go up to our tenement house.

[974] And Ma would cook us some yam stew.

[975] Then we'd listen to Roosevelt on the radio.

[976] All right, that's it for now.

[977] I'm waiting for your call, baseball.

[978] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[979] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.

[980] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[981] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[982] theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy.

[983] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[984] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[985] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[986] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.

[987] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[988] Got a question for Conan?

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