Keith Urban

[0] Hi, everyone.

[1] I'm Keith Thurban, and I am incredibly confused about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Can I say?

[3] A lot of people lately have gone nice, you know?

[4] That was an honest one, Keith.

[5] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[6] Hello, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, a podcast, where a, well, chipper, young man named Conan O 'Brien goes in search of finding a friend.

[7] Chipper?

[8] Young?

[9] I think of myself as young.

[10] Age is just a number, man, until you die.

[11] Sona is joining me, my assistant, my trustee assistant, Sonia, my trustee assistant, Sonoma.

[12] Sessian, how are you?

[13] Yes, I'm doing great.

[14] And, of course, Matt Gourley are very...

[15] Yeah, sorry, my leaf blowers back on.

[16] Oh, my God.

[17] Every time we start, this happened last week.

[18] I know, it sounds like it's like an old man with asthma.

[19] It doesn't sound like a good leaf blower.

[20] No. This is like the second week.

[21] You know, we should explain.

[22] Son and I are in the same studio, but Matt Gourley is in his lovely home.

[23] Want to tell us exactly where you live?

[24] I'll go as far as to say Pasadena.

[25] Okay.

[26] You're in Pasadena where apparently all they do is blow leaves around from one side of the city to the other.

[27] It's insane.

[28] I know.

[29] I mean, I don't know how many times I've been trying to talk to you and we've had to wait for the leap blower.

[30] Today we decided to just go ahead.

[31] Listen, is he still there?

[32] He's heading to the back of the backyard.

[33] Isn't that so funny?

[34] I stopped to give this guy room to blow leaves.

[35] And what does he do?

[36] He stops the minute.

[37] He made you look like a fool.

[38] He did.

[39] I think he does this on purpose.

[40] I think this is someone from a rival podcast, you know?

[41] What?

[42] No, it's someone with another podcast.

[43] A rival podcast.

[44] Yes.

[45] Do we have a rival?

[46] Would you say we...

[47] Yeah, it's got to be Joe Rogan.

[48] Yeah, it's Joe Rogan.

[49] Yeah, my big rival, Joe Rogan.

[50] Yeah.

[51] That would be, you know what we need to do?

[52] We need to establish who my rival is so that I can have a rivalry and shit on them and put them down and and blame things on them and have schemes to topple them.

[53] Podcasts, it's all such a friendly vibe.

[54] What if it's someone who's not at all, like two people were talking about astronomy, like completely different.

[55] Yes, that's what it should be.

[56] It should be comedians.

[57] Yes.

[58] It should be someone who's got a very thoughtful, well -produced podcast on astrology.

[59] Yeah.

[60] Or mental health.

[61] And I just tear them a new one every week.

[62] Mental health.

[63] They're trying to help people.

[64] And I'm like, oh, helping people.

[65] A scientist.

[66] Yeah.

[67] I think it's got to be someone who in no way deserves it and appeals to a kind of small niche market but is doing a really good service for humanity.

[68] And I just shit all over.

[69] And I just amass my legion of fans.

[70] Or maybe two elderly women that talk to you about how to stay.

[71] you know, mentally healthy and alert.

[72] They have a small following, but it's all done with such good humor.

[73] And I just, they just wake up in the morning to phone calls.

[74] Like, we don't know what's happening, but people are so mad at you right now.

[75] This guy, Conan O 'Brien, Conan O 'Brien, who is it?

[76] Why?

[77] We just want to make people our age happy.

[78] Yeah, let's start some beef.

[79] Hey, is the leaf flow are gone?

[80] It's moved to the back of the backyard, so it's a little quiet.

[81] Do you know, can I just ask you a question?

[82] Who is this leaf blow?

[83] It's our landscaper.

[84] Wait a minute.

[85] What?

[86] This is your...

[87] It wasn't before.

[88] This is someone you hired?

[89] This one is.

[90] The one last week was not.

[91] Okay.

[92] Even though that was just minutes ago for us.

[93] Okay.

[94] Let me ask you something.

[95] Couldn't you maybe because this is someone you're hiring say I'm doing a podcast during these hours and then he'll say like, which podcast?

[96] And you'll say, well, it's Conan O 'Brien?

[97] Oh, God.

[98] You, are you Matt Goreley?

[99] Do you know him?

[100] I would, but you changed the time of this one right before we started recording.

[101] I had this all quiet and ready to go.

[102] Oh, so it's my fault.

[103] Yeah.

[104] And he came in right as we had started recording, so I couldn't go out there.

[105] I didn't know he's going to be there.

[106] And I don't want all these leaves in my yard.

[107] I don't even think leaves are falling right now.

[108] Oh, they're going like crazy in my backyard.

[109] What are you talking about?

[110] I'm telling you, they're everywhere.

[111] I think someone's just dumping leaves in your yard.

[112] Because we're in Los Angeles.

[113] I don't see a lot of leaves around.

[114] My backyard is covered with leaves and ash right now.

[115] It looks like a hellscape.

[116] Oh, okay.

[117] Well, it sounds like you live in the only part of Pasadena that actually exists in Vermont, in northern Vermont, because of a weird hole in time and space.

[118] What else?

[119] You know, I think we're having a good time.

[120] What?

[121] You got nothing.

[122] I've got nothing.

[123] I want to say quickly, I think, Gorely, you've done an admirable job with the show.

[124] Soan, I think you're phoning it in today.

[125] Oh.

[126] I do.

[127] I think you're kind of phoning it in.

[128] First of all, I did ask you to bring me an iced coffee with almond milk.

[129] Yes.

[130] And you got me an iced coffee.

[131] With almond milk.

[132] On the side, which is what I asked for, that's not almond milk.

[133] Okay.

[134] That is the, it looks like if you took, if you made a very thin soup out of a tiny piece of chalk, that's what it looks like.

[135] It looks like something that would leech out of my bone marrow.

[136] I tried.

[137] I poured all of it and it didn't change the color at all of the ice coffee.

[138] Wow.

[139] That's not my fault.

[140] I saw them take out a container that said, Starbucks.

[141] What, you don't like Starbucks now?

[142] I just think when there's that many of something, how could it be good?

[143] Well, okay, I'll go somewhere else next time, I guess.

[144] You want to go to a small guy's place to get iced coffee, like, oh, there's old man, you know, Giamatti.

[145] And he's got, you know, and he's like, oh, Sona, how are you?

[146] And you go, like, yes, I'm here for, oh, I know Connery likes the thick almond mill.

[147] You know, you're going to a Starbucks.

[148] They don't care about me. This isn't almond milk.

[149] It's close by.

[150] It's close by.

[151] Oh, okay.

[152] So that's how you pick your surgeon, right?

[153] Okay.

[154] He's a surgeon that lives at the end of the street.

[155] Yeah, that's the same.

[156] Yep, I needed that thing removed from my cerebral cortex.

[157] Where'd you go?

[158] Did you go to the best hospital in L .A.?

[159] Nah, there's a guy at the end of my street.

[160] Mm -hmm.

[161] He's so close by.

[162] And don't say that they're not on the same scale.

[163] something wrong with your cerebral cortex and eating surgery and me getting almond milk from my Oh, you think they're on the same scale.

[164] Pretty much, Matt, what do you think?

[165] No, I disagree.

[166] Yeah, everyone would disagree because that's stupid.

[167] Frankly, I think you're being a bit of a prima don't know here.

[168] I think you.

[169] This is not almond milk.

[170] This is like they took someone's dim memory and made it into a juice.

[171] This is a vague memory of a picnic long ago that a very old, old man had.

[172] and then somehow they turned it into a broth.

[173] Oh, taste it and take us through that memory.

[174] Okay, I'll take a little sip.

[175] 1922, a very unremarkable picnic.

[176] Nothing really happened.

[177] At one point, he did think he saw the love of his life, but she was killed by an asteroid.

[178] Okay.

[179] Anyway, that's not.

[180] Did you say nothing really happened at that picnic?

[181] Yeah, this story changed.

[182] I'm like, oh, Henry, you never know what's going to happen with me. Well, you know what?

[183] You're welcome.

[184] But I do feel like you've been phoning it in today so far.

[185] That's not nice.

[186] Well, I'm sorry I'm giving you a job review.

[187] That's part of my job is to give you a job review.

[188] Well, I think you're, I think you suck.

[189] Well, okay.

[190] I'm so glad I'm at home.

[191] But please complain about your almond milk more.

[192] Well, I just want to say, and I don't want to hear people say, of lust perspective during quarantine.

[193] and that there are bigger problems in the world with the election and everything.

[194] Right.

[195] I think I'm very, very in tune with what's happening and I think it's an absolute tragedy that you brought that shit in here, called it almond milk.

[196] During a pandemic, I went to a Starbucks with a mask on, waited in line, socially distant.

[197] Did you put the mask on your eyes?

[198] Because you know what I think happened?

[199] I think when you said I want almond milk, they saw that the mask was covering your eyes and they all started giggling and they drained a radiator into a cup and you brought it here that's what happened you think I had the mask on my eyes I know your mask is very large and sometimes it slips up a little bit and covers your eyes and I'm so stupid that's why you bought that ostrich remember you thought you were getting a chicken leg anyway this is awful all the misadventures Sona has when her mask slips up Matt I envy you I know where's my leaf blower come on back all right well we got to get into we got a big show today Big show.

[200] What are you laughing at?

[201] That's a thing people used to really say about their show.

[202] I know.

[203] Only you transitioned from me having my mask on my eyes and doing dumb stuff to like, okay, let's get serious.

[204] Well, we've got to settle down here because my guest today is a four -time Grammy Award winning singer.

[205] You got four Grammys, Sona?

[206] No, do you?

[207] No, only three.

[208] For what?

[209] Latin Grammys.

[210] Okay, yeah.

[211] All right.

[212] I stole them.

[213] My guest today is a four -time Grammy Award -winning singer, songwriter, and record producer who just released his 11th studio album, The Speed of Now, Part One.

[214] I am thrilled.

[215] He's with us today.

[216] Keith Urban.

[217] Welcome.

[218] I just want to say I've been really looking forward to this because you are a brilliant musician who's also a really funny and very friendly and winning person.

[219] And so I've really wanted to talk to you.

[220] And I'm a frustrated, very mediocre guitarist.

[221] And so I live in perpetual awe of people that have your ability.

[222] It really freaks me out and angers me. I'll be honest with you.

[223] I'm very angry with you right now.

[224] I was waiting for the honesty to come out there, Conan.

[225] I just can't help it.

[226] And you didn't let me down.

[227] No, I didn't let you down.

[228] But I am getting your hair.

[229] People, the other day, someone said, how long are you going to, I've not been cutting my hair.

[230] And I did have the thought.

[231] I want it to get to Keith Urban length.

[232] It's not there yet.

[233] Right.

[234] It will not look like you when I have it.

[235] I wish I could make mine do that the pompadour thing you do.

[236] I know.

[237] I can't.

[238] It won't do it.

[239] Mine, and I know that people want us to talk about our hair together, this is what people like two men to talk about.

[240] Mine could do it up until it got to a certain length, and then it collapsed.

[241] My pompadour collapsed.

[242] Are we talking about your hair, still?

[243] Yes.

[244] Okay.

[245] Oh, for God's sake.

[246] I feel like I've unleashed a month.

[247] monster.

[248] Try this around the house for a while and see how it goes over before you take this to the stage, all right?

[249] This is the new, really filthy Keith Urban that I want to see.

[250] I want to see this now.

[251] I want to see people talking about it like, man, I love his new album.

[252] It's fantastic.

[253] And I saw a show.

[254] Oh, my God, though.

[255] He does 40 minutes in the middle in between the new material.

[256] That's absolutely disgusting and filthy.

[257] And people were taking their kids.

[258] out and it's just really upsetting, but this is Keith's new direction.

[259] It made the aristocrats sound like the wiggles had written it.

[260] I mean, really, it was...

[261] I knew you'd bring up the wiggles.

[262] You didn't know it's going to bring up the wiggles.

[263] I didn't know that.

[264] I knew you'd bring up the wiggles and ACDC, or as you guys call it, Akadaka.

[265] Where are you at, Kahnon?

[266] I'm in Los Angeles at a secure location.

[267] I cannot be harmed in any way.

[268] I'm in an airtight cubicle.

[269] Right?

[270] No poison tea for you.

[271] No, nothing from me. I'm next on the Kremlin's list.

[272] They've been wanting to take me down for a while.

[273] So, is you in your home studio?

[274] Is that what you are right now?

[275] Well, I'm home.

[276] My wife says hi, by the way.

[277] I said, I was about to chat with you.

[278] She said, please say hi to him for me. Oh, yeah.

[279] I've had lovely conversations with her several times.

[280] Please tell her I said hello.

[281] Conan said hi.

[282] So much for your soundproof studio.

[283] That's a really shitty space you have there.

[284] She can hear you.

[285] We have a lot to talk about.

[286] The first thing I want to tell you for some, over the years, because people find out that I do screw around with the guitar, I've acquired many guitars, I've been given many guitars.

[287] What are your most precious guitars that you have?

[288] You know, that famous old question of there's a fire in the house, you're going to run in and save one.

[289] No one ever includes family in that question.

[290] I don't help my family.

[291] I'm handing them guitars, by the right.

[292] All hands on deck.

[293] Nicole, I'll be back for you.

[294] I just have to get this telecaster.

[295] It's got a rosewood neck.

[296] You don't understand.

[297] I've got telecasters.

[298] I've got a few of those.

[299] A 51.

[300] No caster.

[301] That would be high on the list.

[302] I have Whalen Jennings' guitar.

[303] That would be high on the list.

[304] Oh, my God.

[305] You have, now, which guitar was this?

[306] Does it say Whalen on it?

[307] Because I would hope so.

[308] It's, well, close.

[309] It's the leather -bound, leather -wrapped, 1950 broadcaster that Whalen played for, I know, 20 -odd years or something.

[310] And it came with the huge strap that has Whelan written on the strap in.

[311] in leather as well.

[312] Crazy.

[313] Yeah.

[314] If I buy a famous person's guitar, I want their name on it.

[315] That sounds like an absolutely gorgeous guitar.

[316] I think one of my prize possessions, if I had to list one, is a 1946 Martin D28.

[317] There you go.

[318] Do you have one as well?

[319] Yeah, I do, yeah, with a fat neck because they had no steel.

[320] Exactly.

[321] That was going to be my question to see if you really know what you're talking about, because metal couldn't be used for non -war purposes.

[322] So I just lost about half the audience for the podcast right now.

[323] That's the sound of people.

[324] There's no trust rod, ladies and gentlemen, in a 1946 Martin D -28 because all the medal was still being consigned for war use.

[325] That's right.

[326] That's right.

[327] That's right.

[328] Keith and Cota know their stuff about guitars.

[329] That's pretty good.

[330] I'm watching how many people were losing.

[331] We've lost the last 12 of gone now.

[332] That's it.

[333] There were 12 left, and now we're down.

[334] Now we're down to nine.

[335] So now you're working on, this blows my mind.

[336] It's your 11th, you're coming out with your 11th studio album.

[337] The Speed of Now Part 1.

[338] You're a young man to have 11 albums.

[339] Well, that's a relative term, isn't it?

[340] I mean, but I...

[341] Hey, fuck you.

[342] Okay, so I'm 68 years old, but I fought for this.

[343] I fought for this country in the Korean War and I think I did a good job.

[344] You're damn right, you did good for you, Coney.

[345] I did real good.

[346] I did real good.

[347] Sorry, I shouldn't have shouted at you.

[348] I know it's early in the morning where you are.

[349] I've had a lot of, you know, diet soda.

[350] I really honestly didn't start this interview thinking I was going to be shouting, fuck you to Keith Urban.

[351] I really did.

[352] That's not how I said, okay, it's number two on my list.

[353] Only two, wow.

[354] No, you should see what's number one.

[355] We haven't gotten there yet.

[356] We will.

[357] But that's an incredible achievement.

[358] That's amazing.

[359] I love making records.

[360] I love being in the studio.

[361] It's been a really, I'm glad I do because in the last, you know, obviously this year, there was no touring.

[362] And I just poured everything into the record and getting into the studio.

[363] I probably was dragging my feet on finishing this particular record because I knew there was no tour looming.

[364] So I just stayed in there and stayed in there and didn't want to finish the record.

[365] I really miss audiences.

[366] I love audiences.

[367] and I find now that if I'm wearing my mask and I go to get some takeout food to bring back to the family and someone recognizes me even with the mask on and I start joking around.

[368] If they start to laugh, I put the food down and I stick around.

[369] And I'm like, I'm doing really well.

[370] I'm doing really well with these people.

[371] And then I'll get home and I'll tell my wife, Liza, I went and I got to food and I'm coming out and this man and this woman They recognized me. And then we started, they started laughing because I said this thing.

[372] So I was really killing.

[373] I was really doing it.

[374] And she was like, this is so sad.

[375] This is sad, yeah.

[376] Just like three people with masks on.

[377] Whatever.

[378] I've got my takeout, my oily takeout food.

[379] But I don't know if you feel the same way that you almost want it.

[380] You'd almost be willing to go on a street corner at this point if it was socially safe and distanced.

[381] Yeah.

[382] And busk, just play for people just to see the reaction.

[383] Definitely.

[384] And I'm going to drag you over here for a second because I'm about to lose power to my laptop.

[385] I literally is watching the thing go down and I'm like, it's going down at 2%, 1%, I'm going to lose you in a minute.

[386] This is terrific.

[387] Okay.

[388] I saw that.

[389] I thought that I was seeing a measurement of your interest in me. I thought I was like, oh my God.

[390] Oh, my God.

[391] Keith Irvin's interest in me has gone now to 2 % down from a...

[392] No, they're not correlated.

[393] The good thing is, is I can plug the computer in.

[394] Okay, it's time for the second, fuck you to Keith Irvin.

[395] I'm sorry, but it is.

[396] Come on, come on.

[397] I had that coming.

[398] I really did.

[399] Well, I didn't want to interrupt you.

[400] You're a killing at a Chipotle story.

[401] And I thought, I'll wait.

[402] How did you know it was a Chipotle?

[403] I just took a while, I guess.

[404] Well, you're good.

[405] Damn it, Urban.

[406] You're very good.

[407] You're very, very good.

[408] Yeah, I know that, well, you did a very nice thing.

[409] You played a secret show at a drive -in movie theater, and you did it for health care workers.

[410] They were thrilled, I'm certain, but I'm sure it gave you real joy, too.

[411] It did, and it was, I mean, even for that short time of not being on stage for a few months and then being on this stage at the foot of a drive -in screen playing to a bunch of people in cars which was quite surreal.

[412] I've got to say, I've done some odd gigs, but that was quite surreal.

[413] But to know that we were doing it for all the healthcare workers was really great and it turned out to be a really good night.

[414] I was worried at first because I thought, well, the only thing I could envision would be like the movie cars and there would be Mader out there and a couple of others.

[415] It would be all these.

[416] That's what I pictured.

[417] The cars would be the, audience.

[418] They would be living beings.

[419] They were cars.

[420] Yes.

[421] That's what I thought.

[422] But it turned into more of a tailgate party.

[423] Everybody was anywhere but in their cars.

[424] They were on the roof.

[425] They're on the hoods.

[426] They're on the backs of their pickup truck, tailgates.

[427] It was really, really fun.

[428] I keep looking for silver linings during this time, and I think there are a lot of them.

[429] And I think that's, I mean, to me, that goes back to almost wartime USO shows.

[430] You know, people entertainer saying this is something I can do to make people happy.

[431] This is a way I can share.

[432] And you get that connection.

[433] You get that live connection that I can only now get in the Chipotle parking lot.

[434] Oh, it's the parking lot.

[435] It was the parking lot.

[436] It's getting more detailed now.

[437] Now, to be honest, Keith, I hang out there a lot pre -COVID.

[438] Oh, God.

[439] You know, something that I think there are probably a lot of, commonalities between say the world of comedy and comedians and music one of them might be i love working with people i haven't worked with before i love trying to lock in with them and i know that that's something that you really enjoys collaborating you know when you get to work with someone who are some of the people that you've collaborated with where you really felt like oh we we were like lost separated twins we really clicked well no rogers would be one of those people.

[440] I mean, I just pested and pested everybody I knew to try and get me an introduction with Nile years ago and they finally got us together and I went to New York, took my banjo with me. It was such a national moment.

[441] I walk into this.

[442] That's such a classic story of did you step out and look at the tall buildings and go, wow.

[443] They sure are tall.

[444] Keith, you've been here hundreds of times.

[445] I leaned out the cab window and said, Mick Dundee's the name being Tannock's probably see you around.

[446] But I got in the studio with Nile and he got his guitar out.

[447] I got my banjo and we started playing and we literally just clicked like Long Loss brothers.

[448] We jam for ages and ages and he stayed a very good friend of mine ever since.

[449] Actually, I called him up to come and play on a track on this new record and he's just great.

[450] He's one of the greats.

[451] You worked with B .B. King.

[452] that true?

[453] Yeah, and I got to play his guitar, Lucille, which was crazy.

[454] So it was me, Bibi, and John Mayer, and oh my gosh, who was that now?

[455] It's early where I am, yes.

[456] You know, we can add it.

[457] When you think of it, we can add it later, clearly not your voice and insert it very badly.

[458] So suddenly it just comes in, in a very different voice.

[459] It's your voice and then it just says, Dolly Parton.

[460] With the little arrow right above.

[461] Exactly, the A little Karen.

[462] Buddy Guy?

[463] Was it Buddy Guy?

[464] Thank you.

[465] Yes.

[466] So it was a Grammy tribute to Bo Didley, who I'd also played.

[467] We opened a show for Bo Diddley at the bottom line in New York.

[468] Oh, wow.

[469] So it was surreal getting to meet him and then all the years later getting to do this tribute to him.

[470] Me and Buddy Guy and Bebe King and John Mayer, the four of us got to play together.

[471] It's incredible.

[472] Do you find yourself now when you are meeting younger people, and they're talking to you about the influence you've had on them have that disconnect of why are you talking to me?

[473] Do you know what I mean?

[474] I think people never really get over that.

[475] You must be getting that a lot where young musicians are coming up to you and saying yes, I remember when you did this and you're like, come on, man, what are you talking to me like I'm an old Civil War soldier for, you know?

[476] Yeah.

[477] No, it's a strange, double -sided compliment, isn't it?

[478] you know at the same time you it's great to have influenced anybody and then it's like a reminder how long we've been able to do what we do you know both of us and and how amazing it is we get to still do it really that's the big thing of biggest thing of all that we we still get to do it whether it's in a chipotle parking lot or whether it's here or wherever it is we don't need to keep harping on that i'm just saying i really was getting big laughs from this couple and then they had to go and I walked with them for a little bit and they seemed to get it, they got a little creeped out.

[479] When you started asking a question, Conan, do you get about halfway through asking a question and then start to go, where the hell am I going?

[480] Yes.

[481] Because I'm listening to your question and I'm like, what the hell is going on?

[482] And I thought, you look like you're thinking the same thing.

[483] I, um, I often...

[484] See, but like right now, like right now.

[485] Yeah, what I like to do, what I like to do, Keith, and this is my method, okay, because I like to ask a question and I like to begin the question not knowing exactly where it's going to go and I like to keep talking and talking until a question presents itself.

[486] That's my method and I can see that you're a big fan of that method.

[487] It's fascinating.

[488] I'm watching a guy on a type rope with blindfold just sort of like stepping gingerly along the type rope.

[489] Oh no, no, no, no. Trust me, I don't know what's happening next.

[490] I have fallen off the tightrope many times.

[491] Right.

[492] In this interview, I've been killed six times.

[493] You're the Nicolander of comedians right here.

[494] It's great.

[495] So, okay, so they tell you, all right, here's your day, Keith.

[496] You're going to talk to Conan O 'Brien early in the morning, and he's in Los Angeles, and you've got to drink a lot of coffee, and you're going to have to talk to this guy.

[497] And what's going through your mind at that?

[498] Are you thinking, can we push this off?

[499] Is there a way I can get out of it?

[500] What if we said there's a technical glitch?

[501] Is that what's happening?

[502] I was totally looking forward to this, Karen.

[503] Serious.

[504] Pass tense.

[505] Serious.

[506] I'm delighted, too.

[507] I am delighted because, well, for many reasons, I mean it when I say, and I've noticed this between comedians and musicians, that comedians are very envious of musicians.

[508] I think all of us want to be doing what you're doing.

[509] And occasionally I'll meet musicians that I can tell are kind of more interested in comedy or I feel like that's kind of what they want to be doing.

[510] There have been times where I've been doing benefits and the musicians say Bruce Springsteen comes to mind.

[511] He'll go out there and he's Bruce Springsteen so he can play any one of 180 songs that's going to delight everybody.

[512] But I see him backstage working on his jokes.

[513] And I'm thinking, what the fuck are you doing?

[514] You don't need to.

[515] And you're going to start with this one and then I'm going to go to that one.

[516] And I see him out there trying his jokes.

[517] And like, one will go fine.

[518] And then the next one's like, uh, not so good.

[519] I'm like, Bruce, you don't have to do this.

[520] We have to do this.

[521] Yeah, yeah, right.

[522] Because we can't do what you can do.

[523] Do you know what I mean?

[524] I'm very, uh, there's a lot of envy here, uh, talking to you because I'm thinking, wow, I've seen you play.

[525] I've seen you play live, and I'm like, God, damn, if I could do that.

[526] I've always felt like the calling of the comedian is probably one of the hardest, right?

[527] I mean, it really is in entertainment, because you're right.

[528] I can, if I'm not getting to an audience, I can whip out Sweetham, Alabama, right?

[529] I can, there's a go -to.

[530] Is there a go -to joke?

[531] I mean, is there equivalent of that?

[532] Yeah, yeah, they're called dick jokes.

[533] You just start talking about your dick.

[534] And, uh, works every time.

[535] And look, look at her.

[536] The son over there laughing.

[537] Um, you know, you just, yeah, you talk about the penis.

[538] Uh, you, how it's, it's not functioning properly.

[539] Uh, there's a cyst.

[540] And suddenly everyone's laughing.

[541] It's terrible.

[542] It's really, yeah.

[543] Try it.

[544] Try it.

[545] The next time you are, get stuck on stage and you don't want to do Sweet Home Alabama.

[546] Right.

[547] The penis.

[548] You discuss the penis at length.

[549] Great.

[550] I'll try it.

[551] I'll see what happens.

[552] I'll let you know.

[553] Listen, I, this is very good advice.

[554] I'm giving you a key.

[555] I know you think you've had a great career up to this point.

[556] I'm telling you it could hit the next level now.

[557] You just have to start.

[558] Dick jokes.

[559] In between these incredible songs.

[560] Yeah.

[561] Why do I hear Bruce Springsteen doing them now in my head because of your story?

[562] I'm telling you.

[563] That's just the best.

[564] It's the best.

[565] I'm up in a urinal and, uh, pull it out and, oh, no, Bruce, Bruce, no. No, Bruce.

[566] Ghost of Tom Jode was so beautiful.

[567] Do that.

[568] I'll get to ghost of Tom Jod.

[569] Anyway, so I unzip and I take out the old New Jersey Python.

[570] Why did I suddenly think the ghost of Tom Chode?

[571] Okay, all right.

[572] Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, now you're stepping up.

[573] into, first of all, you're taking my advice, Keith.

[574] You're taking my advice, and look what's happening.

[575] Already, already, we're killing it.

[576] I'm telling you.

[577] We heard it now, that's the new album.

[578] After the speed of now part one is the ghost of Tom Chode.

[579] That's coming out.

[580] And I'm going to play the zither on that.

[581] Not since good vibrations, have you heard, A pheromon.

[582] You're going to play the pheromon.

[583] That's what I'll do.

[584] A couple of years ago, I was at an event.

[585] You were sort of a surprise guest at this event, and you ended up getting pulled up on stage.

[586] It was someone's birthday party, and it was not many people there.

[587] But you did something that I was very impressed by, and I know it's nothing to you, but you jumped up on stage and you didn't know what they wanted you to play, and someone just shouted out Sweet Home Alabama, and you just went right into it.

[588] And I think your wife at the time who was in the room said, oh yeah, he's just a human jukebox.

[589] He can play literally almost any song that you can come up with.

[590] And what impresses me as a hack guitarist and someone who's, that's my dream, I would give up everything if I could do that.

[591] And so I knew I was in the crowd and people were saying like, yeah, Sweet Home Alabama.

[592] And I think someone tried to play it before you but didn't know it.

[593] And you got up And you know it's in D, or it starts in D. You knew all the licks, you knew everything.

[594] And I was like, shit, I would give everything to be Keith Urban.

[595] I would give it all right now.

[596] And now all I have is an approximation of your hair because of COVID.

[597] But is that true?

[598] Can you really, would I be hard pressed to come up with a song that you couldn't think about?

[599] And I'm talking about like a top 40 hit from the 70s or 80s or 90s that you couldn't just knock out?

[600] Of course.

[601] Don't say, of course.

[602] Say, well, Conan, no, no, Conan, I couldn't possibly.

[603] It's beyond me. Of course, of course you could play any song.

[604] That makes me, that enrages me. No, I didn't mean in that.

[605] I literally meant when you say, is there something I could play that you wouldn't know?

[606] Oh.

[607] No, no, no, no, quite the opposite.

[608] Quite the opposite.

[609] I grew up playing cover bands.

[610] Sweet Home Alabama and Freebird are kind of one and the same.

[611] And you just have to know them, you know.

[612] The certain songs, you just have to know.

[613] Right.

[614] You grew up.

[615] I mean, you started playing really early.

[616] But I failed music at school, which is part of the reason why I left when I was 15.

[617] I was playing in a cover band during the weekend, and those guys would play without me during the week, because I had to go to school.

[618] And I said to my mom and dad, you know, you can legally leave school at 15.

[619] And they're like, yeah.

[620] And I went, well, October's coming around.

[621] I think it's time for me to play five nights a week with this band.

[622] And so luckily, they supported that.

[623] And I quit school at 15.

[624] I mean, I wasn't cut out for school.

[625] It just wasn't.

[626] So you're quite sure.

[627] that if you had given school another year or two, you wouldn't have locked in and become a biophysicist?

[628] You're pretty sure that if you...

[629] Pretty sure.

[630] Yeah, yeah.

[631] Spoken like a true guitar player right here.

[632] Well, Keith, I took a different route.

[633] You see, I kept at it with school, and now I make an ass of myself for a living.

[634] So I think you made the right call.

[635] I really do.

[636] Thank you.

[637] You knew.

[638] You had this, I think, one of the greatest gifts in life is to know at a very early age, what it is you love.

[639] And you just knew.

[640] You were eight, nine years old when you knew this is what I want.

[641] Kind of almost like this is what I was doing.

[642] This, I mean, this is a strange analogy and yet it brings true for me and you may feel the same.

[643] Someone said to me, you know, when did you decide you would do music for your life?

[644] And I said, that would be like saying, when did you go from crawling to walking?

[645] And then when, I think I'm going to walk for the rest of my life, like make that decision.

[646] Playing guitar and music for me felt as natural as just walking.

[647] And And I never thought about doing it.

[648] I was just doing it.

[649] And I never stopped doing it.

[650] Were your parents musical?

[651] I mean, I think your dad was a drummer, right?

[652] Yeah, my dad played drums.

[653] He never got to play professionally.

[654] He was doing that when I was, I think before he met my mom, he played in a band called the Ricochets in New Zealand in the late 50s.

[655] You know, the problem is when you're a drummer and you don't have people that you're playing with, I started on the drums.

[656] It's true about the drums, isn't it?

[657] I mean, you could set him up on a street corner, but you'd be like, And you remember this one.

[658] And I was like, what the name?

[659] Yeah.

[660] Now every breath you take by the police.

[661] All right, what else do you want?

[662] Come on, sing along.

[663] In the mood, Glenn Miller.

[664] Yeah.

[665] Do you play, how many instruments do you play?

[666] I just get the sense that you play a lot more than guitar.

[667] I can hack away on a few, you know.

[668] sort of self -taught piano player, a guitar, prime instrument, but I can play a bit of drums, a bit of bass.

[669] I play a bit of bass on my records, a little bit of keys.

[670] Please tell me your hands are insured.

[671] Right.

[672] You know, that used to be a thing in the 60s and 70s is that people would put out in the press, a great opera singer had his throat insured, a attractive woman had her legs insured by Lloyds of London.

[673] I think it'd be a good thing to restart that up again.

[674] What would you insure?

[675] I would insure...

[676] Your hair, obviously.

[677] I think it would be the hair.

[678] Yeah, it would probably be the pompadour, would be insured.

[679] And I would put it out.

[680] that it was insured for $15 million with Lloyds of London.

[681] What might happen to it, though, to actually allow you to claim on that?

[682] I think an attack from a bird, I think a passing bird.

[683] Right.

[684] Pepsi commercial goes awry.

[685] There's so much, exactly, so many things could happen to my hair.

[686] I don't even want to get started.

[687] But I'd like to think it was an animal attack of some kind, an animal that became frightened of that orange thing on my head.

[688] Mistook it for a nest.

[689] Well, Sona will tell you that.

[690] When I walk around, even though I am a, I'm supposed to be a comedian, I think I have a guitar on almost all the time at work.

[691] All the time.

[692] Sometimes he holds up rehearsal just so he can play on the guitar for a while.

[693] And we all just stand there watching you.

[694] And I get the sense people really hate it.

[695] Oh.

[696] There you go.

[697] You're just, you're not Keith Urban.

[698] Yes, that's the point.

[699] I'm sorry.

[700] Yeah.

[701] I know.

[702] You're very good, though.

[703] No, but they shout often, you're no Keith Urban.

[704] while I'm at rehearsal, and they shut me down.

[705] That's a tough crowd right there.

[706] That is a tough crowd you got.

[707] They're all assholes.

[708] Keeping it real.

[709] So I want to ask you something about, it's a thought I've had, which is country music, it comes from Gaelic and sort of Celtic influences somewhat.

[710] I saw this in Ireland.

[711] When I was in Ireland once, everyone in Ireland was obsessed with country music.

[712] God damn it, they love their country music in Ireland.

[713] And then I was thinking, yeah, Australia.

[714] maybe New Zealand, places that have been colonized by the same type of people.

[715] There's this connection to some of the sadness or some of the regret that's in country music.

[716] Does that make sense to you what I'm getting at?

[717] Yeah, the drinking.

[718] Let's get to it.

[719] Come on now.

[720] I tried to put a nice spin on it.

[721] Okay, yes.

[722] We're talking about people that like to drink and then like to be really sad and talk about.

[723] it in song.

[724] Gosh, I had an alcoholic father, so there you go.

[725] It all goes together.

[726] I look, I mean, my, my connection to it was because of my dad's record collection.

[727] He loved American country music.

[728] He loved America.

[729] So it all went together.

[730] He would have loved to spend his whole life living in America.

[731] Probably wish he could have been born in America.

[732] Yeah, I mean, we can write a song about that right now.

[733] And as long as I get 60%.

[734] of the royalties, which I think is fair, because I think I'm the bigger name in music.

[735] And so you weren't even aware that you were doing it at that time, but that's what drew you into the music, possibly, and that kind of music.

[736] It's so weird.

[737] I didn't really have a plan.

[738] You know, I didn't really have a goal.

[739] I was probably in the late 80s when I was playing in a cover band.

[740] I wasn't the lead singer.

[741] I was the keyboard player, guitar player.

[742] And we had a pretty decent following.

[743] I was.

[744] I was about 20 years old going on 21, and we had a pretty good following.

[745] And I said to the lead singer, we should write some songs.

[746] We got this audience coming every week, and he's like, that's great.

[747] So we'd write some songs, they're still pretty good.

[748] And it'd be in the set list, and people were like, Mone, Mone and Sweethammer, Alabama, and all these cover songs, and they'll be our original.

[749] And me and the band would be like, all right, here it comes, here it comes.

[750] We're going to get to play our own song, you know?

[751] He would blow it off every time.

[752] Really?

[753] I skipped that one, boys.

[754] Let's do some, you know, whatever the hell.

[755] do some acadac or whatever, and I'm just like, I was, I just swan, I'm done with this.

[756] This is a dead end, you know, we're never going to go anywhere.

[757] We're going to write our own song.

[758] So I left that band, the drummer and bass player left with me. I said, we're going to go do our own thing.

[759] We went and formed another three -piece band in these fucking covers the whole time.

[760] We couldn't make any money.

[761] Because they work.

[762] People are happy when you play the cover.

[763] Are you in Australia?

[764] Are you in New Zealand?

[765] Where are you?

[766] I'm in Australia.

[767] Yeah, check it out.

[768] Oh, I'm right there.

[769] There I am.

[770] Oh, my God.

[771] Gorgeous.

[772] That's what I'm looking at.

[773] That is, is it Sydney or Perth?

[774] Yeah, yeah, Sydney.

[775] Sydney.

[776] I did a show there.

[777] There's an old theater downtown.

[778] Yeah, state theater.

[779] Yeah, state theater.

[780] I did a show there.

[781] Best audience.

[782] Just a fantastic crowd.

[783] That's where I learned that ACDC is called Akadaka.

[784] Because I didn't know what they were talking about.

[785] Yeah.

[786] And they kept talking about Akadaka.

[787] And I'm like, okay, I know ACDC.

[788] I don't know what you...

[789] Yeah.

[790] Sounds like a Buck Spiz song or something, doesn't it?

[791] Like, you know what?

[792] I was very much looking forward to this and thrilled to talk to you.

[793] You too, always.

[794] I always like talking to you.

[795] You are inordinately talented.

[796] and I want another six hours of your time while I asked...

[797] Sorry, I lost you, sorry, I lost you there.

[798] So I lost you in the canyon.

[799] You go, you're not in the canyon.

[800] What the hell, I can see you.

[801] Yeah, I know.

[802] Absolute thrill talking to you and thank you for exposing my complete inadequacy as an interviewer and making fun of me because you showed me the way.

[803] You showed me the real me. a lot to think about now.

[804] I want you to show me the way.

[805] Come on.

[806] I want you to do it.

[807] Show me the way every day.

[808] Oh, come on.

[809] I hit this.

[810] Listen to this.

[811] I shema.

[812] That's a note.

[813] Very few people can hit, Keith.

[814] I don't you want you to even try it.

[815] Yeah, or should.

[816] Or should.

[817] Really.

[818] You know, that's.

[819] I sang a song with Lou Reed one.

[820] at some benefit, and the idea was to get a lot of comedians on stage, and all of us were going to do Take a Walk on the Wild Side, I think, together, and each of us was going to take a verse.

[821] And all I wanted to do was freak him out, because he was so super cool and being so, you know, Lou Reedy up there, and he was doing his thing.

[822] And so when it came my turn, I said, I sang my verse, and at the end, I said, you know, hey, take a walk on the wild side.

[823] I said, hey, take a walk on the wild side.

[824] And I did that, and he looked over like someone had tased him in the ass with a taser.

[825] And I, afterwards, we all walked out.

[826] We all walked off the stage.

[827] And he was like, hey man, what was that?

[828] What was that?

[829] And he wasn't upset.

[830] He was more just like he'd been singing, take a walk on the wild side for like 50 years at that point.

[831] And suddenly someone broke it.

[832] And he was just bewildered.

[833] Anyway, you've been very patient to listen to me babble.

[834] Yeah, and I am very excited about, this is your 11th, I can't get over it, 11th studio album, The Speed of Now Part 1.

[835] And I'll make sure that we mention that several times in the introduction, because you do amazing work.

[836] And you know what?

[837] I really appreciate you talking to me. Thank you very much, sir.

[838] I bow to you.

[839] Anytime.

[840] I bow to you.

[841] And next time I see you, I will ask you about the D28, 1946.

[842] Mark, and everyone around us will be bored.

[843] Let's do it.

[844] Take care, Keith.

[845] Thank you very much.

[846] You too, Conan.

[847] Bye -bye.

[848] See you same, brother.

[849] You guys want to check in with some voicemails, hear the voice of the people?

[850] I think it's important that we at least pretend to engage with the people, and we should.

[851] Hi, Conan.

[852] I'm calling from your hometown, Brooklyn, Mass. One of the elementary schools is getting a name change, and there's a huge list of submitted names.

[853] Two of my personal favorites are the Conan O 'Brien School and Schoolie McSchoolface.

[854] So if it does end up being named after you, what should the mascot be and why?

[855] Thanks.

[856] Bye.

[857] Wow, that's cool.

[858] That's incredible.

[859] So this is someone calling from Brookline, Massachusetts.

[860] For those of you who like history of Brookline, Massachusetts, is the birthplace of John F. Kennedy.

[861] Also, yeah, you can try.

[862] tour his house.

[863] It was the house that he was born in in 1917, I believe.

[864] And they taped audio of his mother, taking you Rose Kennedy.

[865] So you go up to every room and you push a button.

[866] And she says, this is the room where all the children would sit with their toys.

[867] The ambassador, because his father, Jeff Kay's father was the ambassador in England, the ambassador would sit there and read his papers and the boys would play with their toys.

[868] And then we would all say it's time for bed.

[869] And then you go to the next room and you'd click on and go, this is the ice box where the boys and the girls would get their iced treats.

[870] And just like literally, and I always thought like, wow, I hope I'm someday famous enough that my house in Brookline is set up that way so people can go and push buttons only I want it to be me doing Rose Kennedy.

[871] Oh my God.

[872] This is the room a young Conan.

[873] would torture his younger brother Justin and pretend that he was going to suffocate him here's the room where Conan was cruel to his sister Kate he would force her to cut off all the hair of her dolls and then he would laugh and say ha ha you've ruined your dolls at Conan O 'Brien Elementary you could do these school announcements That's true I so badly want this to be.

[874] First of all, I'm curious who's getting a name change.

[875] I don't know but I would love it if they named a school after me. I mean, that would be my dream because it would be hard for me to be bullied at a school that was named after me. Or would it be more likely.

[876] Yeah.

[877] Maybe.

[878] You're right.

[879] Damn it.

[880] Yeah.

[881] Damn it.

[882] What would your mascot be?

[883] That's right.

[884] I mean, what would the mascot be?

[885] I don't know.

[886] I also, you know what?

[887] I would love a school to be named after you, but schoolie, McSchooling Is that the other one?

[888] No, don't, that can't be.

[889] That's really cool.

[890] Yeah, but no, that can't happen.

[891] And that gets used a lot.

[892] Yeah, it gets used a lot.

[893] There's, that joke has been used a lot.

[894] Like when they, you know, how, what are we going to name this boat?

[895] And Bodie McBoatface one, remember that?

[896] It was like a naval ship.

[897] Yeah, and a bridge too, I think.

[898] A bridge was called Bridgy McBridge face.

[899] So I think that, no, I think, and this is, I have no skin this game at all, but I vote for the Conan O 'Brien Elementary School.

[900] Okay.

[901] And I think that would be a great idea, and I would show up for the ribbon cutting, and I would do all school announcements.

[902] They could call me early in the morning.

[903] You could relay the message to me, Sona, and you could tell me here's what they need to announce today.

[904] Okay.

[905] What's Stephen Giopatti please report?

[906] Are you still Rose Kennedy?

[907] What's Stephen Giopati please report to the principal's office?

[908] What is this?

[909] What?

[910] What's wrong?

[911] Wait, are you still doing, you're still doing Rose Kennedy?

[912] Yeah, we'll do it as Rose Kennedy.

[913] Oh, I thought that was just for the tour of your house.

[914] Now it's for everything.

[915] Well, I don't know that my house is going to become a shrine.

[916] I don't think it is.

[917] I think at this point, look, they've had a lot of time to turn my house into a shrine.

[918] You know what?

[919] My parents still live at my house.

[920] They do.

[921] So they would be so annoyed if they were like, you know, Dr. Mrs. O 'Brien, there's a tour coming through now.

[922] You guys have to get out.

[923] You have to go hide in that closet.

[924] Oh, no. While people come in and push buttons on different rooms and find out what happened.

[925] They're like, really?

[926] He's not even that famous.

[927] He's not like a president.

[928] I know.

[929] Kennedy was president.

[930] This guy's just one of 700 talk show hosts.

[931] Sorry, you have to go.

[932] But I am so in favor of my name going on a school.

[933] And then your mascot.

[934] My mascot, well, I mean, obviously could be just a giant red pompadour.

[935] Oh, I was thinking the potatoes.

[936] The potatoes?

[937] I don't know.

[938] Is that racist towards the Irish?

[939] Oh, not at all.

[940] We love our...

[941] We love our taters.

[942] We love a tato.

[943] I'm telling you again, Irish people do not get upset when you make fun of the Irish.

[944] It's the group that never gets upset.

[945] Well, yeah.

[946] Okay, yeah.

[947] It could be a potato.

[948] I mean, there's many things.

[949] It's hard for me to say what it could be.

[950] I think it could be a pompadour.

[951] The fight and pompadour.

[952] Yeah, the fight and pompadour.

[953] So it could be a giant pompadour.

[954] And then there's two arms that come out with little boxing gloves on it.

[955] And that guy dances around and makes jabbing motions in the air just before the game.

[956] It's a masturbating bear.

[957] No, no, not the masturbating bear It was something from the old show And there's kids As an elementary school It's an elementary school Well, it's kind of educational It teaches that it's okay Yeah, okay, great, that's great The masturbating bear, okay This is gonna hurt my chances of this name I'm sorry, okay Okay, all right, masturbating pompadour The masturbating pompadour That's better, and he also fights Yeah He boxes the air With little boxing gloves And then masturbates and then calm He gets so calm He can't fight anymore The masturbating fighting The masturbating fighting Pompadour We've decided And I'll have the I'll have it constructed No problem I desperately want this to happen I wonder if there's anything I can do to make this happen I know Well I will say that this voicemails from about a year ago So I'm worried That something else might have happened We'll see Shoot Well why didn't you bring this to my attention sooner I just heard it I just heard it It was a year ago There are too many to go through Too many to go through Listen to you I want a full investigation Adam, I want Adam Sacks to make a full investigation as to how this slipped through the grade.

[958] I had a chance to be have an elementary school named after me we could have started a whole campaign we could have right now there could be a life -sized pompadour swinging through the air and then masturbating somewhere and no, it's not going to happen now because you well I don't even screen these.

[959] Who does?

[960] Well, someone who left.

[961] Someone who left meaning they don't work for us anymore?

[962] Right.

[963] I feel like you'd have a better chance to have a school named after you if you died.

[964] Like, if you...

[965] I like where this is heading.

[966] I'm not, I'm trying not to say...

[967] You know what I'm going to say?

[968] I'm going to say, it is true.

[969] Also, if I died in a noble way.

[970] Yes, exactly.

[971] Because if I auto -sphyxiate or...

[972] That would be appropriate for the mascot.

[973] No, I know, but let's get off this, you know, Sona brought us into masturbation town, and I'm going to take us out.

[974] I want to get us back to, yes, I think if I were to, expire in the pursuit of some noble cause, that would certainly help my chances.

[975] For sure.

[976] For sure.

[977] So we got to figure that out.

[978] Well, yeah, but also, you know, I do think now there's a lot of name changes happening.

[979] Sure.

[980] Racial issues.

[981] Racial issues.

[982] And so they're getting rid of a lot of Confederate names.

[983] Like, maybe you could just slide in on one of those.

[984] I mean, slide, like, have a statue somewhere in Georgia?

[985] Not a statue.

[986] I'm saying, like, you know, you could campaign to have your name replace any school that, you know, was like Robert E. Lee High School.

[987] I know, but my own, my hometown, my parents would be so proud.

[988] I know.

[989] This is, you know, and Brookline, I mean, if, it would just imagine.

[990] Maybe they're listening.

[991] Maybe.

[992] Brookline, if you're listening, if you haven't changed the name yet, think about it, I will, I will record all school announcements as Rose Kennedy.

[993] There was a suspicious smell in the gymnasium.

[994] This is where the ambassador used to give wedgies to other people on the track team.

[995] No, I would definitely, I would definitely do that.

[996] I would definitely very much in favor of that.

[997] I'm so excited.

[998] And this might be a mistake, but I'm going to get my hopes up really high.

[999] Oh, well, I have bad news because we've already researched it.

[1000] Thank you, Blay.

[1001] It is now the Florida Ruffin Ridley School.

[1002] What?

[1003] Who's that?

[1004] It really rolls off the tongue.

[1005] The Florida Ruffin?

[1006] What?

[1007] The fight in Florida Ruffins.

[1008] I don't know.

[1009] Renamed on June 19th, 2019.

[1010] Oh, you're late.

[1011] I want a full investigation as to why I was not informed.

[1012] This is malfeasance.

[1013] This is criminal negligence.

[1014] I want, thank you, Sona.

[1015] Heads are going to roll.

[1016] No, seriously, this was a chance.

[1017] This was a huge chance for me. But you know what?

[1018] Florida Ruffin was on the ball.

[1019] Florida Ruffin had her podcast campaign ready to go.

[1020] Oh.

[1021] Yeah.

[1022] She was a suffragist.

[1023] Oh, yikes.

[1024] That makes sense.

[1025] Sorry.

[1026] So she really can't.

[1027] campaign for women to get the vote.

[1028] I'm on, I'm cool.

[1029] I'm on that.

[1030] I'm on their side.

[1031] You know, Florida sounds cool.

[1032] Not the greatest name.

[1033] Coming to O 'Brien's cool.

[1034] It is.

[1035] Florida ruffin.

[1036] I mean, she did a - It's not too late.

[1037] I mean, there's got to be a middle school and a high school at least.

[1038] So many schools.

[1039] A lot of schools in Brooklyn.

[1040] School do you go?

[1041] I go to O 'Brien Middle School.

[1042] I went to the Michael Driscoll School.

[1043] I went to the Michael Driscoll School Public School.

[1044] They could rename that.

[1045] Why don't we find something that Michael Driscoll did that was That's shitty.

[1046] That's true.

[1047] Or just frame him, even if he didn't, let's frame it.

[1048] Let's frame him.

[1049] You know, we'll do.

[1050] Let's hire a cheap private detective to his nose around and get some dirt on Michael Driscoll.

[1051] And they'll probably find.

[1052] Oh, I'm sure he's going to turn out he's an absolute saint.

[1053] But then we'll make up some stuff.

[1054] We'll be like, yeah, you know, was a dry cleaning bill he never paid.

[1055] Oh, my God.

[1056] In 1914.

[1057] So he really stiffed that dry cleaner.

[1058] Let's take that name down.

[1059] We can't have a dry cleaner stiffer.

[1060] Yeah.

[1061] I would go to that ceremony.

[1062] I will make personal appearances.

[1063] I will donate my time and money to making that school success.

[1064] So if there's a Conan O 'Brien school in Brooklyn, I promise you that.

[1065] Brooklyn, you mean a lot to me. Let's make this dream a reality.

[1066] Let's do this.

[1067] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonomof Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1068] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1069] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Koko and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1070] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1071] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1072] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1073] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1074] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1075] Got a question for Conan?

[1076] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1077] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1078] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1079] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.