#902 - Live Underground from The Comedy Store

[0] Check it out.

[1] The Joe Rogan experience.

[2] Train by day.

[3] Joe Rogan podcast by night.

[4] All day.

[5] We are now live.

[6] Jeff Ross, this is the first time we've ever done a live podcast from the comedy store and it's with you, buddy.

[7] I feel like we're in Hitler's bunker.

[8] Do you?

[9] I think Hitler's bonner is probably not as well lit.

[10] Definitely didn't have the sound dampening.

[11] That's how you know it's a real podcast studio.

[12] They have this shit.

[13] The sound dampening stuff.

[14] I think this is cool.

[15] It's in the color of the comedy store.

[16] Got the old sign.

[17] Old comedy store sign in the background.

[18] And we figured fuck it.

[19] We're here all the time.

[20] Usually I'm just here hanging around after.

[21] Why not do a podcast?

[22] Have some fun.

[23] I love it.

[24] Hi, everybody.

[25] What's up?

[26] Hey, everybody.

[27] Happy Thursday.

[28] So tell me about your fucking show.

[29] Your roast battle is on Comedy Central.

[30] It's crazy, man. Yeah, it's amazing.

[31] Started out in the belly room.

[32] You know, you came.

[33] fucking great it's one of the reasons why i came back to the store when i came to see that show in the belly room i was like wow it was the day before ari filmed his special and uh i hadn't been to the store in seven years i remember i came here i saw you at the improv that night yeah i'd seen you a couple i'd been sitting at the improv around and i kept talking about it that's where i was doing sets and i kind of made a personal mission to bring you back to the comedy store oh sweetie and roast battle was the bait well roast battle definitely helped too also because it was so electric I was like man there's something going on in this place I love doing the show so much and the comics love doing it it's the only competition show where comics who aren't even on the show come to watch other comics yeah it's insane it's one of the rare shows where comics come to watch other comics we're shooting in the old house of blues across the street they're knocking it down in a couple weeks and building condos forever very historic building it's kind of crazy so our producer Joel Gallin had the idea to go in there pull the stage out clean it up there was like all kinds of stuff living in there and we built our roast battle arena inside the old house of blues for four nights i can't believe this is happening that's crazy it's like you know the early days of wrestling or fighting or something i can't believe it turned into condos that stuff's hard to realize that that's what we're going to have across the street but maybe it'll be good in some way well i've been a lot of comics are just going to get a fucking apartment there if you can afford it that would be a amazing.

[34] Stumble out of bud, walk across the street.

[35] Oh, I don't even think about that.

[36] Yeah.

[37] Why not live there?

[38] Huh.

[39] I mean, come on, man. It would be the greatest.

[40] And if you have a reluctant girl, you know, you're trying to meet a young lady.

[41] And you're like, come on back to my place.

[42] Well, I mean, I'm getting kind of tired.

[43] Listen, baby, it's just across the street.

[44] Yeah, you're there.

[45] We're already there.

[46] Come on over.

[47] Okay, Jeff.

[48] I mean, you are kind of funny.

[49] And I just want you to know I'm not that kind of girl.

[50] Well, we just will play.

[51] We'll play ping pong In my rec room Ping pong is a good one to play Everyone thinks they know how to play foosball Right I'm not I don't know do they Yeah a lot of drunk people Think they know how to play that one Oh foosball Yeah you know that thing Nobody knows how to play ping pong Like a few people do But those are they're assholes I have two Chinese cousins And they're very good at ping pong China and ping pong Go together for some reason Is that video Has anyone seen that video Of Bruce Lee hitting the nun chucks Is that real No it's not real Damn Oh, Rogan, you've ruined Why don't you think it was real?

[52] It looks so fucking fake.

[53] How do I know?

[54] I can eat glasses.

[55] Can you imagine if he was like a world champion ping pong player plus this martial arts master?

[56] I didn't even take it the fact that his ping pong was that good.

[57] It was more like he was hitting the ball without.

[58] Wasn't he doing it with numchucks?

[59] Yeah.

[60] I don't think.

[61] I'm pretty sure.

[62] I can't.

[63] I don't even know why I answered that.

[64] I should have told you yes.

[65] It was totally real, bro.

[66] Bruce he was a master, bro.

[67] I just never wanted to know what I should.

[68] I was here one night where Eddie Griffin was telling a Bruce Lee story and Eddie Griffin was just drunk as fuck and he was making up some Bruce Lee.

[69] He's like, there was 39 people in the room when he died.

[70] All of them attacked Bruce Lee.

[71] Eighteen of them died before they got him.

[72] Wow.

[73] I was like, what?

[74] No, no, no, no, no. He had like an allergic reaction to a drug or something.

[75] He had like a blood clot or something.

[76] I don't know.

[77] Some people think the Chinese triad had him whacked.

[78] oh really yeah because you know his son brandon died on the set of a movie right where they had a fake gun like a gun with a blank yeah and they shot at him and there was something inside the gun and it wound up killing him yeah what a way to go was it a stuntman who shot him or another actor i think it was another actor and they from then on they now they made a new rule after that i think this might be bullshit but i think the new rule was what i had heard was that You can't point a gun at someone when you shoot them.

[79] Like instead of shooting you with a blank, if you and I were in a movie and I was going to shoot you with a blank, I'd have to do that.

[80] It looks like from over there that I'm shooting at you, but I'm really shooting to the left of you.

[81] Fascinating.

[82] Wow.

[83] I guess I never realized that.

[84] The sight line is weird.

[85] Yeah, you remember his brother, the crow?

[86] Or his son, rather?

[87] Yeah.

[88] In the movie, The Crow.

[89] It was cool.

[90] And they had to finish it without him or something?

[91] Yeah, they had to, like, hire some guy to pretend to be him, I think.

[92] It's 2017.

[93] We're almost done with January.

[94] Not one major celebrity has died in any way yet.

[95] Crazy.

[96] Amazing how many dropped off right before the end, though.

[97] Carrie Fisher was a bummer.

[98] That's crazy.

[99] Who else died?

[100] Prince.

[101] David Bowie.

[102] Prince, George Michael.

[103] David Bowie.

[104] Prince is a bad one, man. He died from fucking pain pills.

[105] Oof.

[106] Hey, Bogota.

[107] We lost fish.

[108] A year ago.

[109] Really?

[110] Beginning of last year.

[111] Oh, shit.

[112] Tough one.

[113] I didn't know about that one.

[114] He was at least that old.

[115] What was that other?

[116] Barney...

[117] His sag number was three.

[118] Barney Miller, right?

[119] He was on the detective show.

[120] He played Fish on Barney Miller.

[121] And then he had Fish.

[122] He was on his own show.

[123] He was in the Godfather movies.

[124] That's true.

[125] He had a spin -off, though, right?

[126] Fish.

[127] Yeah, that was...

[128] I love that show.

[129] It was only on one season, but everyone remembers it.

[130] How is that, Paul?

[131] If there's a show on now, for one season, you don't even know it's how you'd never heard of it.

[132] You never remember.

[133] Fish lasted one season, and everyone remembers it.

[134] Do you think this now that, you know, you've been on TV, bunch times and you know you've had your own show now you got rose battle on do you think there's so many shows on now with so many networks and so many channels and then there's streaming shit like netflix and hulu and you know see -so and a million it's almost like there's too much content i think it's just for some reason more narrowed you know you get your exact audience that's true strange you know like dog benson has something for pot smokers and someone else has something for home improvement and there's a 30 a channel just for cooking shows and it's kind of like that I guess otherwise it's hard to understand well it's it's hard to get people to know about your show just from TV right you need like some sort of a web presence and some sort of a social media presence and something else it's like regular shows like if you just put it on after a successful show nobody knows what the fuck it is they just change a channel to something they do know right interesting there's almost too many things going on now Jeff that's what's hard about launching any TV show and we're doing our show as a tournament like as an event so by the time you even know it's on it's over yeah but it's so good it's so good it can't lose that's a show when they said that they were going to turn that into a television show i'm like that can't miss it can't miss and you know especially if you could figure out a way to do them all in the belly room i really feel like the belly room is something special it really is the magic there's something it's so intimate it's so and when you see someone get fucking crushed in the belly room like I've heard some goddamn titanic lines up there what did Kim Kong did say about this girl she said oh she said she's not union but her tits are sag it really is a joke writer's showcase it is well that's the last it's next weekend I don't know when you were posting we're live so it's yeah we're live now we're live now hi I forgot oh hi everybody so So when is it a...

[135] It's 26, 27, 28, and 29 January, four nights in a row.

[136] And it has it already...

[137] It's a bracketed tournament.

[138] We start taping tomorrow and then the finale is live on the 29th.

[139] Ah, that's awesome.

[140] Live on TV.

[141] It's fun right now because right around, we're in the comedy store right now.

[142] All the New York comics are staying across the street.

[143] So they're all coming over to check out the comedy store.

[144] And now we're shooting across the street in the old house of blue.

[145] So like this whole little neighborhood is going to be roast battle neighborhood for a week or so.

[146] hear the piano it's kind of great we're downstairs below the original room so you can hear the this is underground comedy this is underground that's what we're gonna call it underground at the comedy store right i love perfect because we're underground that's what we'll call it got it love that live underground from the comedy store fuck yeah because you can hear you can hear comics killing up there you can hear the the piano music it's fucking awesome got a real feel to it bro dude you shaved your eyebrows i ran into you in new york five months ago and you had shaved your eyebrows how do i look now they're kind of not fit back yet i'm a strange looking guy rogan i mean how long is it take for eyebrows to grow back could be a lifetime that's fucking nuts that's so weird like i thought eyebrows would be like a beard like i don't really have hair on my body you don't like your body hair yeah like my sister's never shaved her legs Look, Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody.

[147] Come on in, Greg.

[148] Fuck, yeah.

[149] Get in here, buddy.

[150] We saved you a spot.

[151] Isn't this cool?

[152] Hi, Greg.

[153] Dude, you are for here.

[154] Is it better for here?

[155] This one's fine?

[156] Okay.

[157] Beautiful.

[158] Welcome to Hitler's bunker.

[159] I know.

[160] Can we fuck Eva?

[161] No. Can you imagine that?

[162] How was your set?

[163] You know, it was one of those crowds where if you did new shit that you were excited about, they were with you.

[164] And as soon as you did a bit that had any dust on it, they just fucking flatlined.

[165] So do you think that was you or they felt it in you?

[166] Oh, it was definitely me. It was me because I felt like when you have new stuff, you get so excited about doing it that you come alive.

[167] Right.

[168] And you're not reciting it.

[169] You're really saying it.

[170] And then when you transition into shit that you've been doing for too long, you lose that freshness.

[171] And they sense this difference between the, material.

[172] There's a moment when you're doing an old bit where you have so much shame and you try to like reignite it and power it up and it doesn't work and you're like, oh, why am I still doing this fucking shitty bit?

[173] It's like when you see a guy yelling at his son in a parking lot and he doesn't even believe it.

[174] He's just doing it because he thinks that's how a father's supposed to act.

[175] You know what's even worse is when you see someone yelling at their kid and then you look over and you make eye contact with them and they realize they shouldn't be yelling at their kid, and they lost their cool.

[176] Plus, I can imagine you looking at a guy who's yelling at his kid.

[177] There's probably a little bit of a menacing look on your face.

[178] I try not to be.

[179] I try to be kind.

[180] I don't want to be menacing to parents.

[181] Or audiences for that matter.

[182] I don't yell at my kids, man. I might raise my voice occasionally if they're doing something really fucked up, like they're being mean to each other.

[183] But I remember people yelling at me, man. The cortisol reaction that happens in a kids brain and all the stress hormones that get released it's like there's plenty of fucking bad shit going on in the world they don't need their parents yelling at them too well especially when you put it in perspective like your parent at any given time is possibly three or four times bigger than you oh yeah and then when they yell at you on top of that that's really that's fucking intimidated yeah well like a couple of pussies right now we have kids become a pussy you definitely do in a certain way you become a pussy yeah you definitely The good thing about that, me not yelling is my fucking six -year -old is not even remotely scared of me. Like, not even a little.

[184] She mocks me, like, openly.

[185] Like, I go, hey, listen, you can't do that.

[186] She sticks her tongue out at me. She's not even, like, a little nervous around me. Maybe I should be a little harder.

[187] Just leave some videotapes of you doing jihitsu on somebody.

[188] Just in a loop.

[189] I teach her.

[190] I teach my kids.

[191] They take martial arts, and my six -year -old is actually a higher rank than my eight -year -old.

[192] really yeah i think that gives them the confidence to talk smack at you no no if he hits me i can block it no i don't think that's it i just think they know i'm not going to do anything they they beat the shit out of me though they're allowed to hit me like uh because they're allowed to practice techniques on me i allowed them like full blast leg kicks so especially my eight -year -old she could fucking hit hard man she'll like step into a leg kick and crack yeah like and you know she lets me know she's going to do it but i let her do it so she could feel what it's like to hit a real person, like as hard as you want.

[193] Yeah, you're her meat puppet.

[194] Yeah.

[195] It's interesting.

[196] You know, Jeff Ross, the black belt and pike window?

[197] I did know that, yeah.

[198] Wow.

[199] What year did you become a black belt?

[200] I was not even 11.

[201] Oh, so it's a junior black belt.

[202] Easy, buddy.

[203] Hey?

[204] That's nice, though.

[205] It's great if you fight a midget.

[206] It was a black belt.

[207] I had to teach adults in order to get my black belt.

[208] Really?

[209] You had to teach adults?

[210] Really?

[211] That was part of the test.

[212] Oh.

[213] You learn a lot when you teach.

[214] That's true.

[215] Your son's a black belt, right?

[216] Yeah.

[217] Junior black belt.

[218] He did it for like eight years.

[219] A lot of different schools have a different distinction.

[220] That's a champion.

[221] Eight years of anything at that age is pretty great.

[222] What's tough is once they get the black belt, there's not new forms to learn.

[223] It's just perfecting what you've already learned.

[224] And a lot does a big drop off because kids are so, and they're so used to getting a new belt and learning new, what do they call it, Cadas?

[225] Yeah.

[226] Yeah, depending on, it's either, yeah, it's depending on.

[227] what style art. Cata is actually a Japanese word.

[228] And it depends on what martial art. Like in Taekwondo, I think they called it.

[229] Pumseys.

[230] Yeah.

[231] Pumseys and it's different for other styles of Korean martial arts.

[232] I have a different name for it too.

[233] But, yeah, well, you can go to higher degrees, though.

[234] You can get like second degree, third degree.

[235] That takes a while.

[236] Mm -hmm.

[237] Yeah.

[238] It takes a different mentality to go to that level.

[239] Yeah, that is a thing, man. Once people achieve black belt, they feel like they're, done you know the mountain has been climbed you know that's one thing that you don't well i guess you kind of have that in all martial arts but taekwondo you're doing a lot of uh like light contact sparring you know and because of that i think uh it's not as engaging as like jujitsu because jiu jitsu is kind of like full blast because you're not hitting each other you're just like doing chokes and arm bars and stuff like that and as long as someone has control like you know and they don't hurt you like you know when someone is in a bad position you don't like if you know you have someone's arm and they're it's totally locked out even if they're not tapping you're not going to break it you know you know what to do you know like when it's breaking and when it's not so i usually just wait until somebody gets an erection then we call it a day do you finish them off oh yeah fuck yeah good man i was just said i made a joke last night on your show it just kind of came up but somebody goes uh i see this guy goes i'd have sex with you and i go i I go, that's nice.

[240] He goes, but I'd be the top.

[241] I go, of course you'd be the top.

[242] Because the only way anyone's fucking me is I'm flat on my face and you just tackled me. And it's probably a three -way.

[243] That's the only way I'm getting fucked is these two guys and I'm the bottom.

[244] There's something there.

[245] It could be.

[246] What's the closest you ever came to fool around with a guy, Jeff?

[247] Right now?

[248] Not close.

[249] Not close at all?

[250] this conversation.

[251] You ever got high and like, just snuzzled.

[252] I said, what happened?

[253] He's rubbing his eyes.

[254] He just cut himself off.

[255] Yeah, he's like, I can't, can't, can't get into that.

[256] You know what he's thinking now?

[257] This is part of the problem with being the roast master.

[258] He's thinking someone's going to use this on me in a roast.

[259] Yeah.

[260] Could be a roast battle.

[261] You can't show a soft underbelly.

[262] Do you think you'll ever wound up battling on roast battle?

[263] Oh, yeah.

[264] Definitely.

[265] I think it's on the road.

[266] I think, are you already preparing?

[267] No. I just think about how it would work, you know.

[268] I look at, like, who I would be fun to battle.

[269] You know, I'm obviously a bit easy target for a guy who works the door here.

[270] He's going to destroy me, you know.

[271] It's like, of course, how the mighty will fall.

[272] But I still think it would be fun anyway.

[273] What does it feel like knowing that you roasted the president of the United States?

[274] You roasted Trump.

[275] It is totally and totally a weird feeling.

[276] And I saw him a couple weeks ago.

[277] I saw him down in Florida.

[278] and exchanged pleasantries.

[279] I was just here you were a kid and you were just talking about that on stage.

[280] I saw him in Palm Beach at his golf course.

[281] What are you doing at his golf course?

[282] Having lunch.

[283] I don't understand your life.

[284] Jeff Ross's life is like nobody else's.

[285] I follow him on fucking Instagram and like every night he's in a different city with a different set of cool people.

[286] Well, when you're a successful man, you don't have children.

[287] Yeah, right.

[288] And you're not married.

[289] You can do whatever the fuck you want.

[290] Jesus.

[291] What a life.

[292] Yeah, you really do have a good life in that regard.

[293] You're free as a bird.

[294] It is cool.

[295] How the fuck have you managed to not get tied down?

[296] I'm ready to get tied down.

[297] You're ready.

[298] I wish I said they say that.

[299] I wish I always meet somebody who could do that.

[300] They say that when they're around us.

[301] Yeah.

[302] That's not true.

[303] That's not true.

[304] I would like to settle down.

[305] Really?

[306] Yeah, I haven't met the right person.

[307] Well, how come you haven't met the right person?

[308] I don't know.

[309] Is you in a new city every night, you fuck?

[310] You're constantly traveling?

[311] Maybe I'm looking the wrong way.

[312] I don't know.

[313] I came close a couple times.

[314] Do you think you'll have a little Jeff sometime?

[315] I really hope so.

[316] I really really do hope so.

[317] It's over.

[318] It's over.

[319] Why?

[320] Because your comma's bad.

[321] You really think so?

[322] Yes.

[323] If it tastes?

[324] It's probably bitter.

[325] It's probably like, some on.

[326] Don't freak me out.

[327] Don't freak me out.

[328] You already told me that the Bruce Lee video wasn't real.

[329] He thought the Bruce Lee video, Bruce Lee playing ping pong with numchucks.

[330] He thought that was real.

[331] No, you did.

[332] Are you serious?

[333] They're round No checks are round And who the fuck is that good You can time it You'd have to time Like the ping pong It's not like a paddle It's like a rigid thing Where you can kind of hit it You have to time the swing of the thing I thought he was a badass Well he was definitely a badass No doubt about it He was the original mixed martial artist Yeah You think might come is bad It's probably not good It's probably not good You'd probably have to Get a nephew or somebody to kick in come on don't forget some of Greg's come Greg's still got a couple of good swimmers in there's terrible news um at a certain age when men have children there's a high risk of autism and somebody was mocking Trump I think it was Rosie O'Donnell was mocking Trump's kid like saying yeah Rosie O'Donnell did yeah which I thought was like wow I know that he said some fucked up shit about her but going after his kid like that's like that shows you how much he heard her yeah she wrote a poem about how depressed she was when he became president.

[334] Yeah.

[335] When he won.

[336] No, he hadn't even won yet.

[337] He made fun of her in a debate.

[338] In one of the debates, he was talking, like, someone said he talked bad about women.

[339] He's like, well, Rosie O'Donnell, but everybody agrees with me. Yeah.

[340] And he, like, he got a laugh.

[341] And apparently she was just devastated.

[342] She called his kid autistic?

[343] Later.

[344] It was after that.

[345] Like, after that, I think she was just, like, crushed.

[346] Yeah.

[347] She was talking about how sad she was.

[348] and now like she couldn't go outside and I haven't seen his kid does he look autistic looks like a fucking kid he's a tall good looking kid he's got a bunch of kids he gave him Rhode Island for Christmas Comedy Star Well the kid's 10 and he's 70 Yeah Yeah I mean So he was 60 when he Yeah When he shot one in Jesus Because the thing is now You just think about How much your cell phone is in your pocket How many waves are going through your semen all the time Oh, you don't put it in your pocket?

[349] I do.

[350] You do.

[351] Why is everybody think that radiation's bad?

[352] Remember when we were kids?

[353] Yeah.

[354] Don't sit too close to the TV.

[355] Yeah.

[356] But they became heroes.

[357] Don't sit too close to the TV, they used to tell you.

[358] Yeah, they were worried about that.

[359] But I think that was for your eyes.

[360] Oh.

[361] Right?

[362] But like radiation in comic books, it always does good shit.

[363] Yeah.

[364] You know?

[365] I guess you're right.

[366] People go radiation when they're ill. It's a healing thing now.

[367] Not really.

[368] They do.

[369] to kill the tumor, but it kills you too.

[370] It just kills the tumor more than it kills you.

[371] Kills the tumor first, and it brings you to the door of death, and then you pull back and start drinking wheatgrass juice and getting your life together.

[372] That's right.

[373] I just started some probiotics online today.

[374] Oh, yeah?

[375] You should eat actual live probiotics.

[376] Oh, really?

[377] Yeah, kimchi, yogurt, kefir, it's good, all that stuff.

[378] I'm a big proponent in probiotics.

[379] I eat a lot of it, man. It's huge.

[380] Like what?

[381] What is that?

[382] Well, probiotics is anytime you're taking in, like, healthy bacteria, like whether it's in the form of yogurt, acidophilus.

[383] Sourcrow is actually a healthy, especially raw sourcrow.

[384] Oh, yeah?

[385] Actually, a very good probiotic, really good for you.

[386] There's a lot of, like, natural food stores, like whole foods type places that have probiotic sourcouts, really good for you because it's fermented.

[387] Yeah.

[388] And anytime you're fermenting something, what's happening is, like, this bacteria is, uh, it's, is, you know, living on the food.

[389] So, like, when you're eating kimchi, there's bacteria living on the food, but it's healthy bacteria.

[390] Okay.

[391] Because I fart so bad, and it's been years.

[392] I think I caught Giardia when I was down in Florida.

[393] Really?

[394] And I just never...

[395] No, tap water in Florida, man. You're not supposed to drink it.

[396] It's the worst tap water in America.

[397] What?

[398] Because it's a sandbar.

[399] There's no fucking fresh water down there.

[400] Yeah, but isn't all tap water treated with, like, chlorine?

[401] Yeah, but doesn't it?

[402] There's only so much they can do with that shit down there.

[403] Really?

[404] Look at those people.

[405] And so I started farting and it just, I went on all kinds of antibiotics and I got rid of like a bulk of it.

[406] But the farts have remained.

[407] And so somebody told me probiotics can clear it up.

[408] Have you ever heard that when people get poop transfusions?

[409] No. Yeah, they'll take poop from a healthy person.

[410] Yes.

[411] Yes.

[412] It's a real thing.

[413] Ass to ass?

[414] Well, they don't make you go butt to butt with somebody.

[415] I think they go in and fish it out and they shoot it up in you.

[416] But they literally will shoot somebody else's poop up your asshole into your body.

[417] Yeah.

[418] And some people even swallow poop tablets.

[419] Wow.

[420] Yeah.

[421] They never heard that.

[422] Yeah.

[423] They do to people that have like really unhealthy gut biomes.

[424] And one of the issues with a lot of people is antibiotics.

[425] When you take antibiotics, it doesn't just kill the bad stuff.

[426] It kills good stuff, too.

[427] Oh, they just had the first woman who couldn't be cured by antibiotics.

[428] Did you read about that?

[429] No. Yeah, she had some kind of a, I don't know what it was, it was some kind of a bacteria.

[430] Like Marcia?

[431] You know, I wish I knew more about the story, but I don't know, maybe we can look it up on the internet.

[432] But it was the first time that they tried every type of antibiotic, and it didn't work.

[433] And they said that this could mark the beginning of untreatable viruses.

[434] So bacteria or virus, I guess?

[435] Bacterias, right?

[436] You don't treat viruses with antibiotics.

[437] I don't think so You tingle antiviral medication is a different thing I'm pretty believe But bacteria Like as far as Like the stuff that you get Like from staff infections and stuff like that It's getting stronger and stronger over the years Yeah Especially in hospitals man There's a lot of people that catch Mersa from hospitals And they fucking wind up dying Yeah It's a big issue Guys are really depressing me Don't I'm sorry Come on man You're talking about Rosebottom Do you have a light I mean yeah I do So So we are in the final hours before the um inauguration the inauguration it's a crazy time i didn't think that i would be this i really thought after the election i would wrap my head around it and i would be like okay this is normal trump is going to be president like i would have some sense of like okay i don't feel any more um uh ready for this than i was the night after the election no it's weird it's 100 percent weird.

[438] I was watching this video that someone was playing on their Instagram page where they were there while Trump was walking into this room in DC and surrounded by Secret Service agents.

[439] And all these sycophants and all these weird people around him and this guy's yelling out, thank you, Mr. Trump.

[440] Thank you.

[441] You are a godsend, sir.

[442] You're a god.

[443] Andrew Santino, ladies and gentlemen, come on in.

[444] Have a seet fella.

[445] You're coming in right at the time Jeff Ross is handing you a joint.

[446] Oh, thank you, Jeff.

[447] Thank you.

[448] Ladies gentlemen, Andrew Santino, a live Netflix special on the way.

[449] Trump supporter, by the way.

[450] He voted five times.

[451] Huge Trump supporter.

[452] I voted as many times as I could.

[453] I kept doing it.

[454] He had a fake ID.

[455] He pretended to be backskinned.

[456] I did, actually.

[457] Yeah, I became Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, Santino.

[458] Santino.

[459] So I switched it up.

[460] Yeah, Santino.

[461] Yeah, Santiago.

[462] Yeah, big, big Trump supporter.

[463] Fits, you are too.

[464] Well, I'll just say right now.

[465] ladies get your abortions before noon tomorrow don't you think trump's have a lot of girls get abortions i think he's gonna back off of that you're kidding me he's got a frequent fetus card oh yeah he's he's he's driven a few ladies off into the clinic of course absolutely that's his thing well they were they were saying that about gw bush was that there was a pretty well documented case when he was in college pretty good at texas or something yeah uh that he that he went to college he went to he went to fucking yeah Dale, didn't he?

[466] No. A Wharton School of Business, right?

[467] No, that's Trump.

[468] Talking about GW.

[469] Oh, okay.

[470] Didn't it?

[471] Yeah.

[472] I think he did go to Yale, didn't he?

[473] Yeah, because he was in the skull and bones, right?

[474] Yeah, GW.

[475] All the bushes went to you.

[476] Right.

[477] That's one of those grandfathered in things, right?

[478] Oh, yeah.

[479] Yeah, your whole family used to go.

[480] I thought George and Barbara Bush doing double suicide to get out of going to the inauguration.

[481] What do they do it?

[482] They're both in the hospital.

[483] Really?

[484] Yeah.

[485] Yeah.

[486] Yeah, they're both dying right now.

[487] why don't we just stop taking our medication what do you think georgie maybe we should stop taking our medical we won't have to go to the inauguration what medicine who are you i want to go skydiving why is martha washington in my bedroom jem put that down i didn't see him for years and then i saw him recently and he was in a wheelchair on some some interview and some video and it made you realize like wow Wow.

[488] It's been a while.

[489] I know.

[490] It's crazy to think that Carter's still alive and W. He's still alive.

[491] He's old.

[492] He was old.

[493] He was only president in 76.

[494] Was he?

[495] Yeah, he was already old.

[496] Yeah.

[497] He was an interesting guy, man. You know, Carter didn't really get a fair shake.

[498] He was a...

[499] Go to the presidential library.

[500] Carter's in Atlanta is awesome.

[501] You should check it out.

[502] Well, I heard some speeches that he gave before when he was running for president.

[503] when Hunter S. Thompson recorded a speech that he gave at one of those Washington's it out no it was what's more than I'm good okay I'm good too oh Jesus it was uh it was in that movie fear and loathing not fear and loathing the other one um gonzo the life and works of yeah yeah hunter S thompson the documentary on him really interesting man like Carter was you know he was a pretty intense and moral guy like very very powerfully so he was a good Christian he was the good kind of Christian he was the good kind well because I think people can use Christianity as a way of feeling better then or you can be it or it can be a life of service and he was very much a life of service right there's like two there's like the way that like my dad goes to church still just because he just likes the people that are there more so than anything else he's like I just want to go see fucking people that I've known for for 40 years yeah He's like, I don't really listen ever.

[504] I mean, like, my dad is notoriously just fallen asleep in church.

[505] Every single time.

[506] Yeah, he's just there to, like, see some friends before and after.

[507] Yeah.

[508] It's a fucking, it's a club.

[509] But do you think, I mean, because here's, I go back and forth on religion because it's so easy to take, like, the, you know, the agnostic route and say that all religion is evil and all that.

[510] But it's like so much good shit has happened because of organized religion.

[511] I mean, look at what the Jews have done in this country with just fucking hospitals, alone and then you got Christians that have gone to Central America nuns that have fucking saved villages and yeah for sure there's tons of good stuff I think it's I think the cheap fucking route is to say that religion sucks just because that's a easy blanket to go fuck religion it's just caused every war it's the worst thing it's like yeah there's a lot of fucking negatives to it you know they blamed it on every war but war is something that's caused by people yeah people would have found a reason to go to war they go to war because they're apes they go to war because Because apes fight against apes.

[512] It's like they're always dominating for that alpha position.

[513] If they're blaming it on religion, it's just a convenient reason to go fuck somebody up.

[514] They would have done it because they had diamonds or they'd do it for oil.

[515] Yeah, that's the thing in Ireland, they try to pretend that it's a war between the Protestants and the Catholics.

[516] No, it's the fucking Brits trying to colonize and destroy a population of people.

[517] Yeah.

[518] That's it.

[519] And people get tribal.

[520] They get, you know, people will fight the fucking raiders will fight the Eagles.

[521] You know, the fans will meet in the parking lot and have a fucking gang war That's what people do For a shirt color Yeah, that's what people do I mean, didn't they beat some guy Almost to death in Dodger Stadium?

[522] Yeah, he put him in a coma Horrible, San Francisco fan Some guy with his kid, right?

[523] Yeah, kids, he has kids with him And he was two dudes just Yeah, I think the kid was autistic though Was he?

[524] He just went for it I was gonna say Help himself his instincts took over he was autistic yeah it's just crazy how tribal people are and that's one of the things that you're seeing with this election too whether you're a Trump supporter or a Hillary supporter or a Bernie supporter or whatever if you just can step back from it for a second and look at it objectively what you're seeing is these people that are like blindly loyal to one side or the other and then you just see giant clumps of them that move in that direction and very few people who look at it and have like a balanced perspective that's outside of like an ideology very you know what I mean like very few people are going well we got this guy who won a popularity contest and he's the first actually popular person who won this popularity contest yeah and everybody else who's been one of this popularity contest has just been in this one select group so in that sense it's a good thing because it's going to be a disruptive thing and this system is not good it's not good to have the same fucking families run the country over and over again have the same bureaucracy that same red tape all the shit that people have had to deal with when it comes to politics like it's not a perfect system and it's not getting improved and one of the reasons it doesn't get improved is because the people that run the system have a they have a like a concerted there's a great benefit for them to keep the system in place there's plenty of job there's plenty of people doing it there's plenty of red tape there's plenty of There's plenty of debate and influence, and it goes back and forth from side to side, and all that keeps it relevant, and it keeps people from stopping and saying, why are there these two groups?

[525] One is right and one is left.

[526] One's conservative and one's liberal, when most of us are a combination of all those things.

[527] Well, not only that, it's, you know, it's all projections by the big business to say there's even a right and a left.

[528] They've got both, they're pulling the strings on both sides.

[529] I was saying that I remember like coming around the store and listening to people at the beginning of the campaign, Trump's campaign, you know, like vehemently hating him so much.

[530] And that kind of like extremism was the same for like Bernie support.

[531] Like the Bernie chaos, like the Bernie thing was crazy.

[532] I mean, it was like the same kind of crazy chaotic like fuck anybody but Bernie.

[533] And the Trump supporters were the same way.

[534] It was like, extremes on both sides.

[535] And it's the same thing.

[536] At some point, you're, you're just.

[537] you're at a level plane, right?

[538] Zero is the same as 100.

[539] You know what I mean?

[540] Like if I said, if I said to a friend of mine, how gay are you on a percentage scale, zero to 100?

[541] And if a guy says, if a guy says, a hundred, okay, he's gay.

[542] And then if a guy says, second guy says, oh, yeah, I'm 48.

[543] I'd be like, okay, I get that.

[544] Yeah, Jeff, me. But then if a guy says, I'm zero, I'm zero.

[545] Fuck that.

[546] It's the same as the hundred guy.

[547] Yeah.

[548] The extremism is the same.

[549] It's just a different angle.

[550] But there's not enough people that are.

[551] 40 % gay.

[552] There's not a people in the middle of it all.

[553] Yeah, and a lot of people try to say, I actually really am independent.

[554] And it's like, I wish, but then you talk to them a little bit, and they're on one side of the other.

[555] Of course.

[556] It's very difficult because there's no truth anymore.

[557] There's no paper.

[558] There's no one.

[559] There used to be like, if you watched CBS, NBC, ABC News, there was a journalistic integrity that they subscribed to, and both sides said, these are the facts.

[560] There's no news outlet any longer that both sides look at no that's a really important point it i mean it's very like very clear it's cut and dry how did that happen i don't know i want i'm curious to know when it had like what at what time period of politics that that become the notion of the shift of like an obvious this is precisely who were who were for and it's clear i was watching CNN and um fox news back and fourth like after the debate and it was so fascinating man it was like who is telling the truth what what is happening here yeah because he's two totally different stories and they're they're so they're so clear on one side or the other like fox news excuse me was so clear on trump side and CNN was so clear on Hillary's side it was so obvious places in one day they were concentrating CNN and fox news they just switched places Yeah.

[561] Overnight.

[562] Well, it's crazy.

[563] And it ends up your network and Fox News is the reality.

[564] Well, what news do you follow, Jeff?

[565] I follow it all.

[566] I don't follow any news.

[567] I watch and read a lot of news.

[568] Yeah.

[569] You have like an aggregator on your phone that pulls from different news sources?

[570] I just tend to search up topics.

[571] Be curious what Chris Christie's up to this week or Al Franken or I'll just get someone on my mind.

[572] Sometimes I'll go to.

[573] Politico, and usually there's a great angle that you hadn't thought of.

[574] Politico and Guardian are good for different angles.

[575] Yeah, the Guardian's good.

[576] Yeah, because they're, you know, they're outside.

[577] Well, originally, I guess there's a lot of their writers are Americans now, right?

[578] Did you see the Guardian?

[579] Initially was UK.

[580] Yeah, you want some water?

[581] Yeah, I'm good, dude.

[582] I don't know what's going on, that weed strong.

[583] Did you see that Guardian article by Glenn Greenwald about this unsubstantiated attacks on Trump?

[584] It was really interesting.

[585] Well, like fake news?

[586] Yeah.

[587] And he was talking about what, you know, Eisenhower had warned about, you know, the military industrial complex.

[588] Yeah.

[589] I was like, wow, this is a crazy, bold article.

[590] And they predicted a Trump -like figure rising up.

[591] Well, it's not just that.

[592] Like, he's talking about how the deep state is attacking Trump.

[593] Like, that's what he's bringing up.

[594] The deep state is attacking him and going after him.

[595] Yeah.

[596] And like the CIA and the intelligence agencies.

[597] like they're making some sort of a concerted effort to single him out and go after him and destroy his person destroy his uh excuse me destroy his um you know public persona and that this that's where all the the urine things from you get into politics when you get into politics all this stuff but but those stories are crazy the FBI doesn't give a fuck about politics they care about the FBI and if anybody crosses them the way Trump already has yeah they're going to I mean, think about that.

[598] When has there ever been a time where an unsubstantiated story about a guy who's the president -elect about peeing on beds?

[599] When is there ever, they've talked about that, like, so openly.

[600] Yeah.

[601] It's been so open that his last press conference, he shut down the rumor by saying he's a germapho.

[602] He was a germapho!

[603] That's how massive of a story that is that during one of the most important press conferences, he addressed that fucking thing.

[604] And it didn't stop.

[605] there.

[606] Then he went on to talk about, well, you know, everybody knows his camera is in the room.

[607] I mean, you know, what am I stupid?

[608] It wasn't about what am I immoral?

[609] It was what am I stupid?

[610] It's unbelievable.

[611] And then you watch how he, I don't think I've ever seen, I mean, this might be me being ignorant, but I don't know if I've ever seen a president in a press conference or president -elect shut down a source like he did CNN was like, I won't talk to you.

[612] I absolutely, Like, I don't know if I've ever seen a president single one out, and then I've, they probably slyly ignore certain journalists that they don't want to fucking talk to, but I've never seen one be like, I don't talk to C. I don't talk to that news source.

[613] Fuck you.

[614] Well, I think that there's a protocol for who you go to first.

[615] Like, for years, the first question always went to that one old woman from the Associated Press.

[616] Yeah, from the AP, yeah.

[617] She was always the first question.

[618] And then after that, I think it was, there was a certain pecking order to it.

[619] And Trump just basically said, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to choose what news and questions you guys hear from now on.

[620] He's not, the press corps is no longer traveling with him.

[621] It's the first time a president has not had the press corps with him at all times.

[622] It's crazy.

[623] Yeah, because, and well, and his reasoning was he was like, what are you going to watch me eat food?

[624] That's what he thought that they were at.

[625] He's like, no, they're interested in what's going on.

[626] They're interested in what this conversation you might be having with someone of some sense of importance.

[627] but he was like, I don't want you watching me do simple shit.

[628] But that's just part of their fucking gig.

[629] Yeah.

[630] That's what they've always done.

[631] And then I think about that, like, how much simple shit have they seen where it's so annoying?

[632] At some point, they've got to be like, fuck, this is so boring.

[633] Especially when they get on Air Force One and they're going to fucking Russia for 10 hours, they're just sitting around, and so they can do like a 30 -second photo op and yell questions at him and then another 10 -hour flight home.

[634] And imagine, like, one of the guys in the group is just like, I think I'm going to go talk to him.

[635] The other guy's like, don't do it.

[636] Don't go in his room, dude.

[637] It's like, what?

[638] I think we're cool now, man. We've had some moments, you know?

[639] I feel like don't be that guy.

[640] And then the rest of the nine -hour plane flight is fucking miserable.

[641] When he was praising Kanye West for supporting him, I remember watching them on TV.

[642] Is this real life?

[643] Yeah, it was a trip.

[644] Is this real life?

[645] Wait, I read the greatest.

[646] I wish I know the source, just because I don't want to fucking say somebody else's shit, but there was just a meme floating around on the internet that said, I bet you, eight years ago, when Obama gained presidency, there were so many fucking extremists going, I bet you the first people he's going to talk to are rappers and Steve Harvey.

[647] And then you see fucking that suit, Trump just drags in rappers and Steve.

[648] I loved it.

[649] I thought it was, I was like, that's so fucking true.

[650] How many white extremists were like, he's going to talk to rappers in the White House and it's Trump that's doing it?

[651] Yeah.

[652] It's great.

[653] It's so funny.

[654] Who else is he talking to?

[655] Who else is he like publicly?

[656] Well, you know, he.

[657] Yeah.

[658] Don King.

[659] Don King.

[660] Yeah, he loves Don King.

[661] But they've had a relationship in the past.

[662] Right.

[663] So like they go back.

[664] So this is almost like he gets to invite his actual friends.

[665] Do you remember when Obama was in trouble?

[666] All his friends are getting ambassadorships.

[667] It's going to be crazy.

[668] No, not, not Christy.

[669] Christy's getting nothing.

[670] I don't mean, I don't mean his political friends.

[671] I mean his friends.

[672] Yeah, his life friends.

[673] Yeah, yeah, his lawyer, his buddies, you know, you know.

[674] Do you guys remember when it was a big deal that Obama was attached to that really radical professor?

[675] Yeah, it's great.

[676] Who was one of the weathermen?

[677] Is that what it was?

[678] Is that what they called themselves?

[679] And they were like doing acid and having orgies and shit and robbing banks or something.

[680] And he was like a part of that in some way.

[681] And he was a professor that Obama knew in college.

[682] And there was always this big controversy that he knew this radical terrorist.

[683] Right.

[684] That Obama is like some fucking sleep.

[685] guy like a sleeper cell no but he did have to distance himself from the guy because he the guy did have some very um pro uh secession what do they call the blacks to think you should return to africa and white should pay for it uh he was one of those guys secessionist succession yeah i guess that would be succession succession succession secession socession yeah to secede so we know he had to back off from that guy but it but it's uh what about the guy who marched.

[686] Have you guys seen his brother?

[687] Do you know about his brother on fucking Twitter?

[688] Obama's brother?

[689] Do you know this account?

[690] Have you heard about this?

[691] No. There's like a guy who's saying he's his brother and he's like, I don't support him, I support Trump.

[692] You haven't seen this?

[693] Yeah, I saw something He's pretending to be his brother?

[694] You saw this?

[695] Yeah.

[696] Yeah, this is a half brother.

[697] He's a half brother.

[698] That is fake news.

[699] It probably is.

[700] Who knows?

[701] It's a matter.

[702] I saw Obama talking about fake news.

[703] He was talking about it too.

[704] I think that was fake.

[705] But Trump's, but Trump's.

[706] Trump was talking, Trump was talking this, dude, like, thanks for the support.

[707] Like, thanks for not supporting your half -brother.

[708] Well, I mean, you want to talk about fake news.

[709] How about Trump ran around for three years saying that fucking Obama wasn't born in this country?

[710] That was crazy.

[711] I mean, that was the beginning of fake news.

[712] Let me see his ID.

[713] Let me see his birth certificate.

[714] Yeah.

[715] And then, how about the irony?

[716] Now, Trump won't show his fucking taxes.

[717] He won't.

[718] And because his excuses, even after the audit's over, what do people need to see now?

[719] Like, that's the reasoning.

[720] It's like, what do you want to see?

[721] If I get audited and I'd fucking deal with the government through the audit, what do you need to know other than we're taking care of it?

[722] I think people want to know how much money he has borrowed from China and Russia.

[723] Yeah.

[724] Because that could really affect his policy decisions.

[725] I thought that that was like one of the things that you had to divulge your income.

[726] You do.

[727] Wasn't that a deal with Howard?

[728] That's why Howard didn't eventually really run for governor after a certain point because they wanted him to divulge his taxes.

[729] That's how they found out he hasn't paid his taxes.

[730] He doesn't pay taxes because of his major loss a long time ago.

[731] Oh, that was that weird thing, right?

[732] He had to make some disclosure, but he doesn't it's a general summary of his income.

[733] It would also say how much.

[734] It's like where he has money in certain types of ways, but it's not his income taxes where you know what he spent on phone calls and security and everything.

[735] It's just investment.

[736] Where he goes.

[737] He would also tell you how much he's donated to charity, which he doesn't want people to know.

[738] I mean, he created his own charitable, what do you call it?

[739] Charity.

[740] Yeah, charitable fund.

[741] Charitable charity.

[742] And apparently he hasn't given any money to it in like two or three years.

[743] It's just been money he solicited from people on the outside to give to his charity that then he disperses.

[744] Yeah, that's so crazy.

[745] But that's the whole thing is like, then do we know that that's real too?

[746] Like that's the other, I don't know.

[747] Right.

[748] I would like to think that's got to be true, but then I'm like, I don't know.

[749] No, because they can solicit the records of his charity.

[750] Of the nonprofit.

[751] Right, right, right, right, right, right.

[752] But they can't do it for his personal and private.

[753] God, that's so nuts.

[754] Game over.

[755] Game over.

[756] He's going to, he's going to change it.

[757] He's going to step aside, let his buddy take over like Putin did in Russia, and then eventually one of his kids or something.

[758] This is it.

[759] Hello.

[760] Game over.

[761] Get on board.

[762] Game over.

[763] You really think so?

[764] Yeah.

[765] Chris Rock was saying that on stage.

[766] Or a bit wrapped around that.

[767] It was very funny.

[768] And I was stopping the thing.

[769] I was like, we're all laughing.

[770] But if something like that did happen, if it wasn't Trump, it was somebody like that, maybe it's the next guy to figure out how to do it like that.

[771] We essentially exposed the personality contest.

[772] You expose the flaw in it.

[773] You're not looking for the best leader.

[774] You're looking for the person who's got the best personality for the job, the person who's got the best story.

[775] It's a reality show.

[776] You know that guy from Dilder?

[777] Scott Adams, the guy I wrote Dilbert.

[778] He's a really, really smart guy, and he predicted Trump winning a long time ago.

[779] And the reason why he predicted, he said he's the most persuasive guy I've ever seen.

[780] He said he's incredibly persuasive.

[781] He just understands the art of persuasion extremely well.

[782] And he's like, just if you looked at it, like, mathematically, like this guy has a really good chance, and he predicted he was going to be president.

[783] And people gave him so much shit.

[784] And he doesn't even vote.

[785] He's a really interesting guy, very, very smart guy.

[786] And he wasn't saying that Trump was going to be president because he's this big Trump supporter and he was it wasn't that.

[787] He just, he was looking at it like pragmatically.

[788] He's like, this guy has incredible abilities of persuasion.

[789] Well, he's broken every single rule.

[790] Every conventional wisdom about running for president, he broke and won.

[791] So now it's like, like you said, Jeff, who fucking knows?

[792] Who knows?

[793] There's no, there's nothing, normal anymore you think he gets two terms easy and then after that he's just going to line up people then there's no more terms no more terms no more terms that's it no then it's just there's no more voting you really think so i feel like it's going to get interesting i don't i feel like he locks up his own military is going to start he's already marginalized the press he's told he's got his own security guys around him the press is lying arresting him you're not impeaching him he's staying in the the white house for like one two nights a week he's not moving he's not even moving to he's not going to he's going to stay in he's having a satellite white house in new york city he wants a satellite in manhattan you should have seen the video the way he operates there's no way he's going to the white house and having all that around him no chance you know what's so funny i think for a little while to make it look good but i am fucking freaking out right now people in new york are bullshit but then again he might like it there and stay i could see him Well, you know why?

[794] It's not so bad.

[795] He likes it when he can rub elbows with famous people.

[796] That's what's so funny about this inauguration weekend for him is that he couldn't get any celebrities, and that's all he really cares about.

[797] That was the most important thing.

[798] And then he got that one young, they offered it to that one young singer, that chick, and she said, I'll do it if I can sing, um, oh, what is that fucking song?

[799] It's about, it's about slavery in America.

[800] black people swinging from the trees Sweet Home Alabama Yes, that's the one, that's it But she basically was like I'll do it if you let me Sing this song And of course they were like, no Absolutely not, but she was just like I'll come do it Because every artist in the world was like I'm not singing there Absolutely not No chance, no chance, no chance How strange is that Have you ever heard anything like that Where there's no artist That you know about That want to go to that?

[801] Does one country guy and he's fucking nuts.

[802] Who's that?

[803] Who's the country guy?

[804] What's the country guy's name?

[805] He was singing.

[806] Is it Hank Williams Jr.?

[807] It was tonight?

[808] Leo Greenwood or whatever?

[809] No, no, bigger.

[810] This guy's huge.

[811] Toby Keith.

[812] Toby Keith?

[813] That guy's fucking massive.

[814] He's massive.

[815] He's massive.

[816] He, I think it was tonight, actually.

[817] Kobe Teeth?

[818] Kobe Teeth.

[819] Toby Keith, Lee, Lee, Greenwood, and Three Doors Down were the main.

[820] Three doors down.

[821] They're every band you've never heard.

[822] They have that one song.

[823] They have one big star.

[824] Superman.

[825] What is it?

[826] Rosam Bar is singing in a national anthem.

[827] Oh, Kryptonite.

[828] Rosam Barr is singing in an actual anthem.

[829] That's a good song.

[830] Is she really?

[831] Yeah.

[832] Yeah, but they're done.

[833] That's a good song.

[834] That's one, if I go crazy man, we used to call me Superman, right?

[835] Is that it?

[836] I don't know.

[837] Is that a good song?

[838] Yeah, it is a good song.

[839] Are they going to sing that for him?

[840] Is that going to be a show?

[841] You know, they had a Bruce Springsteak.

[842] cover band booked and they fucking canceled Did they really?

[843] Yeah, you didn't care about this?

[844] Yeah, yeah.

[845] Did a Bruce Springsteen cover band?

[846] Sorry, Don.

[847] We're born to run.

[848] Well, they were going to do it, and then they got so much shit from their fans, and then they said, we're stepping down out of respect to the boss.

[849] Is that what they said?

[850] Did he issue a statement?

[851] Did the boss say anything about it?

[852] I don't think he had to.

[853] I think his, I think his fell yet.

[854] No, but I was wondering if he, like, publicly, like, made a statement about the fucking the cover band play you know i think bruce's fans were very vocal with these guys they did it everybody who probably got an email about some fucking gig is like they turned it down oh no these guys were signed up i bet you you could find that is a good play that's a good publicity move yeah it is i bet you could find a comic that would do it in a heartbeat what do you think would do it i heard marley i'm sure there's like a bunch of brodie stevens would do oh my god i'd love it i heard marley maytland is going to sing I heard that, like, what is that?

[855] I heard they got David Bowie.

[856] They're going to get holograms, celebrities against their will.

[857] That's what he would do.

[858] He'd get a prince hologramed.

[859] I know this.

[860] I know for the inaugural parade, Secret Service is on high alert in case Donald tries to attack somebody.

[861] Why didn't Kanye play it?

[862] He's at the, he's at another inauguration.

[863] He said he's not American enough or something.

[864] What?

[865] I'll find the quote real quick.

[866] Even the people that are doing it are not necessarily saying they support Trump.

[867] They're saying that they're supporting patriotism.

[868] They need the money.

[869] Toby Keith's supporting Trump.

[870] He is.

[871] He came up on stage with a red Dixie Cup and cheered him.

[872] Did it a big cheers.

[873] I swear to God.

[874] Oh, my God.

[875] Jesus Christ.

[876] He's not traditionally American enough as sort of the quote they said.

[877] Who said that?

[878] Who said that?

[879] Trump's team that, that was asked, inauguration committee.

[880] That Kanye is not American enough.

[881] That's so ridiculous.

[882] What does that even mean?

[883] Not American enough?

[884] Look at Kid Rock.

[885] I'm surprised Kid Rock didn't do it.

[886] How does Kid Rock not on the card?

[887] I don't know what kind of show you think this is.

[888] Anyone they can get.

[889] Who knows?

[890] I don't know what it is.

[891] Did you guys see this?

[892] Ted Nugent grabbing his dick at the Trump rally?

[893] Oh, he was there?

[894] Have you not seen this video?

[895] He was grabbing his dick?

[896] This was at a, this was, no, this was up in Michigan.

[897] Look at this is a great video of Ted Nugent.

[898] If you have never seen this.

[899] He's dressed like a fisherman in a row.

[900] Do you have that?

[901] He just grabbed his dick and he said, I got your blue state right here, baby.

[902] Ted Nugent, baby.

[903] He's very happy.

[904] You're a big Nuge fan.

[905] Love to Cat Scratch Fever.

[906] Dude, stranglehold.

[907] Great fucking song.

[908] I got your blue state right here.

[909] It's amazing.

[910] They did somewhat funny or die Did a thing where they kept zooming in on him grabbing his penis To accentuate like the physical hold of his penis Oh, he actually went for it?

[911] Yeah, no, no, he physically grabs it.

[912] It looks like he's holding onto a lighter.

[913] I mean, and they fucking kept punching in on it to show him doing it.

[914] When did he do that?

[915] When did that take place?

[916] This was in, this was at a rally in, I think it's Michigan.

[917] Do you have it up there?

[918] Really recently?

[919] I'm going to see.

[920] I just got it sending.

[921] That happened along the campaign trail.

[922] Yeah, it was on the campaign.

[923] It showed up in some short.

[924] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[925] It was a while ago.

[926] Yeah, it was a while ago.

[927] I was doing a late crazy thing.

[928] The victory tour.

[929] Like, how do you win the election and then go to the states you want?

[930] Wouldn't you go to the states that you lost and see what they have to say?

[931] Yeah, this is a different experience.

[932] And then going after SNL's cast members?

[933] That was kind of weird.

[934] Every week, not just once.

[935] Well, Alec Baldwin's one thing.

[936] You would ever go after after, but you go good.

[937] And the cast isn't funny.

[938] I was like, oh, geez.

[939] Yeah.

[940] 23 -year -old first job.

[941] Now the president.

[942] saying the hell on his Twitter that I'm not funny.

[943] I think the beauty of it is just fuel for the fire.

[944] He doesn't have to go out of the cast.

[945] How could he say?

[946] S &L's benefiting from that.

[947] I think it's fantastic for them.

[948] Oh, it's great for them.

[949] If I were him, I would tweet next week.

[950] Now, that's funny.

[951] They got me. He should make like he was just being tough.

[952] Well, the thing about this country is we love it when we hate somebody and then we like them again.

[953] Yeah.

[954] You know, so all he has to do is that.

[955] All he has to do is put out some positive tweets and be conciliatory and then watch the country just sweep him up in there.

[956] Look at what happened to Bush after 9 -11.

[957] Yeah.

[958] That's true.

[959] He had the lowest favorability rating of any president in history.

[960] And after 9 -11, he shot up to like 80%.

[961] That's right.

[962] I remember that.

[963] They said Trump has the lowest incoming president -elect approval rating in the history.

[964] How do they compile that?

[965] That's a very good question.

[966] I've always wondered.

[967] I was like, how do they compile?

[968] Who were they asking?

[969] Exactly.

[970] I don't know.

[971] I don't know.

[972] Who's taking part of it?

[973] polls people that take polls that's what they're doing what well that's like the same people that projected the election to go to uh hillary well what's interesting is they were right why don't we trust them anymore no but they were right if if it was a popular vote like they actually were right yeah and it was really it's really funny like it just shows how crazy the electoral college system is but he said no it should be a popular vote he goes that's a different race though like he like conceded that it's better to have it be the popular vote he goes but he wouldn't run a different but he goes yeah exactly he's not the game he goes the game he goes the game is the electoral college vote and that's the game we played and we won by a landslide he's right he's right he's right he played it like a game they played it like this thing that they've been doing over and over and over again they fucked up in that they rigged it for so long that their popularity contest got taken over by someone who's actually popular like an actual famous person and knows how to become like he knows how to become more popular do you know what I mean like he understands that some people know the form of just how to do that he knows how to fucking do it and he's rich as fuck and he doesn't have to do what they want him to do right it's different like he can finance his own campaign he he gets there he gets pressed by talking mad shit and getting people to talk about him like he knows how to do what's the here's the thing that i'm confused about is what's the overall vision like what is Trumpism?

[974] Like, if you think about Democratic, what's Trumpcratic?

[975] That's a good question.

[976] Small government.

[977] Well, I mean, I think it's, I think that, I mean, his truths are to, to make sure taxes are low for people that are earning a lot so he can, those people can stabilize that market that they're already in.

[978] You know what I mean?

[979] That people don't have to sacrifice at the top.

[980] I think he's pretty clear about that.

[981] I mean, he's lowered, he wants to lower the fuck out of business tax.

[982] He wants that to go.

[983] goes to the low.

[984] So he's saying zero government, let these people fucking govern themselves, let small businesses, that's his whole campaign, is to keep money up top where it is.

[985] And fucking let pockets that are pretty thick, stay thick.

[986] I mean, I think he's pretty transparent about that.

[987] That seems to be a thing that he's pretty obvious about.

[988] I think he wants the rich to stay rich.

[989] And he's not afraid of saying it.

[990] And for some reason, people that are poor, like, I like it.

[991] I like what he's going for.

[992] It's crazy.

[993] yeah it's going to be very very interesting i'm really curious to see how this plays out oh it's going to be interesting there's no doubt about that i mean it's like any other time when i'm not happy about what's going on politically i just put my head in the sand for a while and i go i'll just check in a few months but i cannot stop reading on my phone in the papers like this is like we're living through a part of history that's probably more turbulent than any other historic any other presidential transition.

[994] Do you think this is...

[995] Except for Johnson and Kennedy.

[996] This is like a big metaphorical question, but because of the, like, Obama lived through the age of, like, the bursting of the internet space and its involvement in politics, you know, of, like, Twitter and Instagram and all this shit.

[997] This is bigger.

[998] This is even bigger than that.

[999] America's Midlife breakdown right now.

[1000] This is it.

[1001] This is us bottoming out.

[1002] Halfway.

[1003] This is the halfway point.

[1004] I hope we got another 200 years.

[1005] I think, I think Trump is president for 20 years or three days or it's like something terrible.

[1006] But do you think, but do you think worry about something terrible?

[1007] Sorry and interrupted.

[1008] Yeah, because because I think he had a real control over his message in America.

[1009] You know, he has friends who own the tabloids.

[1010] I remember flying with him one.

[1011] Never mind, but it's like.

[1012] I remember flying with the ones.

[1013] No, fuck you.

[1014] Go back.

[1015] You can't see.

[1016] You can't just fly past that.

[1017] Some of his best friends own tabloids.

[1018] Wow.

[1019] You know?

[1020] Yeah.

[1021] And those are his boys.

[1022] It's like the Koch family.

[1023] They had all the bad stories locked up.

[1024] But now one starts happening in Russia and stuff.

[1025] He doesn't have quite the hold on it.

[1026] People can really get to him.

[1027] And then, you know, he's not young.

[1028] Yeah, I worry about something bad happen.

[1029] It may not end well for him.

[1030] It's really a tricky one.

[1031] My other part of me says, get behind it because he's going to be around for the rest of my life.

[1032] The Glenn Greenwald thing is an interesting angle, though, because Glenn Greenwald is, a really respected journalist he's the guy exposed wiki leaks he's a guy who a lot of people go to and he's not without his criticisms i mean a lot of people criticize i'm not like uh he's had this ongoing feud with sam harris um but if you you look at like what he's what he's talking about here if there's any shred of truth to it that you're seeing like this old institution attack this new coming incoming guy and do it in a foolish way that actually kind of strengthened this disbelief that people have in the news.

[1033] Like if they make up some crazy story and you hear CNN talking about it and all these other people talking about it, unsubstantiated reports that involved lewd activities and golden showers.

[1034] Like, who the fuck is doing this?

[1035] Like, who's doing this?

[1036] Like, what are you trying to do?

[1037] Because by doing this, especially when it looks obvious and dumb like that did, it makes his case look stronger.

[1038] It's almost like something that he would do to attack himself.

[1039] Yeah.

[1040] Like, that's like how Nero burnt Rome, you know?

[1041] Like, you might do something like that attack yourself so that you look vulnerable.

[1042] Do you think he did that?

[1043] No, no, no, I don't.

[1044] I don't.

[1045] But what he's a great at is a counterpunch.

[1046] I've been living in New York City during his entire reign of popularity.

[1047] He's a great counterpuncher.

[1048] So if something happens, even if you perceive it as bad for him, he knows how to work that.

[1049] That's what he talked about with Kanye West.

[1050] And I was talking about Kanye.

[1051] And I saw him do that every time.

[1052] A really a friend would say, oh, boy, this is really going to sink him and I go watch.

[1053] I go, no. But you can't run a country like that.

[1054] You can win an office, but you can't.

[1055] Who knows?

[1056] Who knows?

[1057] Who knows?

[1058] Who knows?

[1059] Who knows what he's going to do?

[1060] I'm just super curious.

[1061] He probably knows, but we don't know.

[1062] Yeah.

[1063] You know, if you're right about saying that he's never going to leave, then obviously that's going to become a problem.

[1064] But if you're not right about it and he does manage to show some flaws in the system and expose them.

[1065] Then it could be great sure maybe maybe no one else is going to do it other than Bernie if Bernie won and obviously they were conspiring to keep Bernie out but if Bernie won we could have seen some really weird changes in the system yeah and and overall like he's a he was a he would be a mood shifter like Bernie would be a guy that is like like that's kind of what a lot of people are looking for someone who's not money oriented someone who's like for the people someone who lives a fairly simple life for a guy like that someone who's never when the pope got in you were like oh he cares about the poor.

[1066] Bernie was like the Pope.

[1067] They became friends, the whole thing.

[1068] Yeah, like the Pope got rid of that throne.

[1069] He went with a more casual dress.

[1070] Yeah, it's in a lot of ways.

[1071] Like, what Bernie would have represented, I think, is someone who's not of the same cloth as we're used to.

[1072] Someone who's like concerned about equality across the board above.

[1073] Yeah.

[1074] The systems broke.

[1075] Yeah, sorry.

[1076] No, that's it.

[1077] You're right.

[1078] No, system's right.

[1079] And this, and then so instead of the guy should or they're woman who should or could have, you know, they're fighting of the wrong game all the time.

[1080] You know, Hillary, he was probably a great, smart person, but, you know, you drift into distractions and she's trying to...

[1081] But there's also the...

[1082] And then something weird happens, like the wiring goes haywire, and the guy who's the most popular at something completely different gets in there on a freak of nature...

[1083] He also stayed, I mean, this country's gone through in 50 years.

[1084] You can't tell me it's not amusing.

[1085] It's definitely amusing.

[1086] Yeah.

[1087] There's a little part of glee in your heart where it goes, what?

[1088] Yeah.

[1089] The Supreme Court was, it's like seeing the whole thing, you know.

[1090] Well, as comedians, it's, you know, I think we all have something to talk about for the next four years.

[1091] It made everyone's life a lot more interesting all of a sudden.

[1092] But don't you think that there's a certain amount of intimidation about criticizing him?

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] Like, there's some real intimidation that comes from him.

[1095] He's a legitimate, powerful man. Did you want to be on his enemies with?

[1096] No, it'd be horrible.

[1097] And everybody feels like that.

[1098] And with great power comes great responsibility.

[1099] And that's one of the things that people are really terrified of with a guy like that.

[1100] Because he's got so much power and so much influence.

[1101] He didn't used to.

[1102] He was a joke in a weird way to a lot of people.

[1103] But I always knew that he could actually do things.

[1104] Like when you see him in New York, you go all of a sudden, you're like, holy shit.

[1105] There's a tower there.

[1106] It was not there.

[1107] Yeah.

[1108] People think he's willy -nilly, like shooting from the hip.

[1109] He's patient.

[1110] Builds buildings.

[1111] Yeah.

[1112] It's different.

[1113] When I grew up in New York, he was, you know, when he was a celebrity in New York and not the country, he was just a slum lord.

[1114] That's how we talked about him in my family.

[1115] You know, he was just a guy.

[1116] He was a guy who had suits against him.

[1117] He owned projects.

[1118] And it was pretty well known back then that he was a slum lord.

[1119] Yeah.

[1120] Twitter's a hobby for him.

[1121] I think building is his occupation.

[1122] And that's a really hard thing to do.

[1123] I remember the skating ring popping up, and he was always talking about taking over swaths of land in New York when you were lucky to get a little apartment somewhere.

[1124] This guy was going to buy, like, the whole, where the trains were, the subways used to be.

[1125] It's like, you were to all of that.

[1126] You couldn't help it, even if you didn't.

[1127] And his politics didn't emerge until much later.

[1128] He just kind of kept it cool and was just like a playboy and, you know, a personality.

[1129] And, you know, it was like a kick to see him around.

[1130] he always loved a good joke you know he was generous so I get it a lot of smart rich New Yorkers a lot of I'm not surprised some of the smartest most successful people I know in New York supported him do you think though that the level of responsibility that you have when you become the president and the amount of power that you have do you think that anybody can really manage that correctly it's a ridiculous position and it's one of the things it's exposing.

[1131] This is exposing how ridiculous the position is that you could get someone who's just this one popular person that gets into place and run this entire thing.

[1132] Like one person running anything is crazy.

[1133] Well, are we overstating how much the president really runs?

[1134] Look what he's doing.

[1135] No, but I'm saying once you're in office, do you think president has as much power as people?

[1136] We're going to find out we're going to find out what kind of power he has.

[1137] Because look who look what he's doing.

[1138] What are you talking about with the press corps?

[1139] Look what you're talking about with You don't just get power.

[1140] You accumulate power.

[1141] He's accumulating leverage and power.

[1142] And by putting people around him that he wants, fascinating.

[1143] He can't operate without his family.

[1144] He's always going to have his family around.

[1145] It's like you don't just suddenly tell a indie car driver, tomorrow you're driving a NASCAR.

[1146] Like he's been doing it a certain way.

[1147] Yeah, but his son and his daughter or his serious two sons, they can't advise him on policy because they're running his company.

[1148] They have to never have a conversation with him again about the businesses or politics.

[1149] Yeah, come on.

[1150] Yeah.

[1151] Like, come on.

[1152] That sounds so ridiculous.

[1153] Yeah.

[1154] There's no fucking, I mean, there's just no fucking way.

[1155] But even if I still, even if that's how it is, it's still his family.

[1156] Yeah.

[1157] But you know what?

[1158] I don't know.

[1159] That's so weird that they won't want to talk to him about it.

[1160] That's, he got it.

[1161] He's going to be the richest guy in history.

[1162] It's going to be.

[1163] They say that Putin is.

[1164] Mythical figure.

[1165] Do you hear about some oligarch that got arrested?

[1166] He said that he thinks Putin's the richest guy in history?

[1167] No, dude.

[1168] Is it possible?

[1169] I mean, he will become...

[1170] You're going to bet against it?

[1171] He'll become larger than life.

[1172] This will make him larger than life.

[1173] It'll just be like a fucking, it will be a myth.

[1174] If there's a huge scandal...

[1175] It's not going away.

[1176] He's got a million kids and family.

[1177] I don't know.

[1178] If you think about what's come out in the last year, I guess...

[1179] Scandal makes him stronger.

[1180] He fucking...

[1181] Billy Bush got fucking trampled on the fucking...

[1182] on the bus thing.

[1183] I think it just made him...

[1184] stronger.

[1185] Do you think if this whole story about the Russian prostitutes pissing on him got corroborated, do you think it would hurt him?

[1186] I read someone, I read someone said that they thought he fucking started that shit.

[1187] I was like, that's a fucking interesting angle.

[1188] What if he was like, yeah, run with this story?

[1189] That's what I was just saying.

[1190] Yeah.

[1191] Like, why not?

[1192] How are you?

[1193] Yeah.

[1194] Hi.

[1195] Well, yeah, I don't think that's the case, but I do think that...

[1196] But he knows how to turn that stuff around pretty quick.

[1197] Those attacks are foolish because you've already proven that he's Kevlar like you can he got past grab the pussy video so then what are they but then conversely then what then you can't do anything then so what's the legitimate thing that you can come out about him if you present real facts they get kind of pushed away if you present these crazy news stories it just fuels the fire so what do you do that's a good question what does the opposition do because anything they come up with is either fake news to him or it's something crazy that makes people go, dude, how funny was that they pissed on that fucking bed that Obama?

[1198] I mean, it just becomes a, then it becomes like a social bit.

[1199] The worst thing that could take place is that people decide while he's in power that he can't be in power.

[1200] People decide that there can't be a president anymore.

[1201] We've decided, as a nation, that we're going to abolish this, and we're going to start a whole new system of government.

[1202] That is where shit could get really crazy.

[1203] That would get crazy.

[1204] That's what Susan Saranda wants.

[1205] Does she want that?

[1206] Yeah, she remember when he was running for president, he said, she goes, maybe Trump should win because maybe it's time we do have a revolution in the streets maybe we need to change it's like yeah that's easy to say we're on the fifth and a five -story brownstone with guards you know not fucking living in the project starting a revolution it's harder for a rich person to say that a poor person has nothing to lose and would call for revolution but when a rich person does it I think she's got something or do you think they'd be coming for her first probably yeah when I talked to Trump somebody said how'd you do that he's like He's like, Hitler.

[1207] I go, if he's Hitler, you'll be glad I'm friends with him because I'm going to, otherwise, I'm giving up your fucking schmoosing us in.

[1208] Home address.

[1209] Man. Well, it's bizarre, too, because he's actually, like, publicly in support of Putin.

[1210] You know, and he talks about Putin being a smart guy.

[1211] He's a businessman, so he talks with whoever he's been friends with.

[1212] That's how it works.

[1213] Whoever has had his money.

[1214] None of this should be taken away from him or a surprise.

[1215] He'll figure all that out.

[1216] But he can't pretend that these aren't.

[1217] his pals and you meet somebody famous once or twice and they're nice to you.

[1218] That's all he's, plus his stuff's deep, you know, he would go over there, he would bring TV shows there, all that stuff is we're a client.

[1219] We're another piece of commerce in his portfolio of how he does business.

[1220] So he picks up the phone and he knows some guy in Japan, of course he's going to mention his properties and it's how he gets going.

[1221] How he gets going?

[1222] What if that works?

[1223] Really?

[1224] Well, that's what Putin did.

[1225] What if that's a better system?

[1226] Yeah, Putin used government and private ownership to amass fortunes.

[1227] And they get his friend's fortunes.

[1228] It's kind of, it's almost going to take something like this to make people realize that this is a ridiculous system.

[1229] I mean, otherwise, we would never figure it out.

[1230] We just still look for a better and better version of the impossible person.

[1231] Maybe it's a great system.

[1232] Maybe we're all looking at wrong.

[1233] It's such that we've tested it.

[1234] anybody can become president well maybe it is a good system because it's got yeah it's got that and it's got all the checks and balances in place you know i mean maybe it is a good system because of all the bureaucracy you know it's like something beyond politics and what's right and wrong and i've heard that argue before dynasty is not the right thing so it's time for you know civilization had a great run what else you got well what's crazy is that it's as dark as it can fucking get how much how much see here's the thing there are wars going on right now there's wars going on right now and we will always say fucking waitress down here fucking the war's going on no drink but there's wars going on right now but they're just not going on right here are we just naive are we naive to not understand the danger I think it's might be coming yeah I think it's pretty nice oh yeah really I do yeah what would what would stop what would stop it at this point i don't think i don't think i don't think like a war with russia is on a lot of barriers no no no no no no what would england or france or germany no no why would we go to war with germany or france or england anything's possible leaking well also they what you define i mean yeah cyber warfare is is is what it's all about i mean we we had natural we had natural boundaries before but now you see that they can hack into the FBI and the CIA and fucking you know.

[1235] There's a known unknown now and this you know, don't presume anything.

[1236] It's true.

[1237] It's true.

[1238] Yeah.

[1239] Okay.

[1240] Here's a scenario.

[1241] What would be so crazy what would be the ideal way outside of a dictator?

[1242] What would be the ideal way to run a nation?

[1243] What would be better than having this one alpha that we keep putting in place?

[1244] which seems pretty ridiculous at this point, which seems like we might have fucked up and got a super alpha in there.

[1245] Well, I don't think that the framers as a constitution didn't see the presidency as being such a big deal.

[1246] He was kind of a lead administrator, but he wasn't supposed to be the be all and all of power in this country.

[1247] So I think we probably want to ratchet that position down a little bit.

[1248] That's what they told the guy that they didn't give it to.

[1249] This is not even that cool of a thing.

[1250] Yeah, it's just a weekend thing.

[1251] You don't want to do that.

[1252] Come on.

[1253] You want to get in there and write the laws, right?

[1254] You don't want to be kissing babies and go to photo op, draw sketch ops.

[1255] Oh.

[1256] I don't know what kind of photo ops they had back.

[1257] Were you for any supporter?

[1258] No, I was kind of a pragmist about it.

[1259] I wasn't a supporter of anybody except I'm pretty much, I was against Trump winning.

[1260] So anybody but Trump Type of thing, right?

[1261] Yeah, so I'd love to say Like my wife is a big Bernie supporter I would like to say I was But I think I was just I was betting on the best horse But I thought was the best horse It was actually you didn't even make the bet But you had a horse in mind Yeah And it didn't win That's what it was like Well, but you didn't lose any money Yeah, I mean I can't sit here And say for all the bad things I say about Trump I can't sit here and tell you That I was passionate about Hillary Or that I even like her You know I just saw it as the lesser two evils Yeah, you saw her as business as usual, not business way worse.

[1262] That's exactly right.

[1263] Yeah.

[1264] Yeah.

[1265] It seemed like it was just another thing to slow, like a woman president, huge, great, has the relationships that exist that we already know.

[1266] So you're like, okay, it was almost like, yeah, but the next, put that, the assistant coach has been there for a while.

[1267] Yeah.

[1268] Yeah, do that.

[1269] Like, that's what it felt like in my brain that was going to happen.

[1270] But I got to say, I was shooting the night that people were watching it.

[1271] And of course we're here in Los Angeles, like fucking not one of those crew members isn't hardcore left and watch people watching it on their phones and like their reactions were like complete confusion it was crazy to watch from this perspective and i wonder what it was like watching from like michigan do you know what i mean gregg and i did a live podcast oh yeah that was crazy yeah we did a live podcast with uh burr and stanhope and bert oh i saw it on youtube after that that's right i saw that it was chaos it is so strict it was so crazy well because first of all they're fucking passing joints around the whole time I thought this is a celebration party yeah why not I didn't realize I was gonna go into the most confusing moment of my life high and I just bailed as soon as it looked like it was going to Trump I just like all of a sudden I look up and Joe's fucking laughing and Stan Hope is carrying on I'm like there's nothing funny anymore and I just went and I sat in my car in front of my house for like two hours wow yeah Jesus Christ dude you're bumming me out We were having fun.

[1272] I know you were.

[1273] You guys were having fun.

[1274] It was just Burr killing for like four hours.

[1275] Yeah, he was on fire that night.

[1276] He was on fire.

[1277] And then when weed became legal and Bird took a hit, he doesn't smoke pot.

[1278] He went right in there.

[1279] The whole fucking room.

[1280] Somebody came out from, Bert Kreischer, I think, came from the back and he announced that pot was now legal in California.

[1281] And three out of four people in the audience immediately lit up and there was a cloud of smoke that just took over the room.

[1282] This is the photo from the actual moment.

[1283] Fuck.

[1284] The Troy Conrads took this photo of the moment.

[1285] Wow.

[1286] Bert takes a shirt off.

[1287] Bert's running around.

[1288] There's all these people in the front row.

[1289] We're all go crazy here.

[1290] Everyone's going crazy.

[1291] That's the very moment where we found out that pot was legal in California.

[1292] We were doing a live podcast from the main room.

[1293] Jeff Ross just walked back in.

[1294] But yeah, Troy's...

[1295] The other crazy thing is that Doug Stanhope's girlfriend at the time...

[1296] time, or still, but she was in a coma at the time.

[1297] She's not anymore.

[1298] She's thankfully, she's helped to bathroom.

[1299] It was just crazy that Doug powered through.

[1300] We're going to wait to hear what's next, Jeff.

[1301] Doug's a fucking trooper, man. Not many people would have power through right there.

[1302] He's a special human.

[1303] Doug Stanhope is a special human.

[1304] I've known that guy for a long time, man. He's the real deal.

[1305] I mean, he actually did move to Bisbee, Arizona.

[1306] and essentially start like a whole community of weirdos that live down there and hang out and work with them and do podcasts with them and you know and he's kind of using the podcast as like an open mic that's how he rants and that's how he's coming up with material his whole setup is very interesting man sounds cool yeah he's the he's the real deal he told you about it or you saw it I've listened to it I've listened to it a bunch of times his podcast is awesome but he owns like he's like a real estate mogul in his fucking town.

[1307] Get out of here.

[1308] Yeah, he owns a bunch of houses.

[1309] When houses go up for sale, he buys them.

[1310] Yeah, they're all like $4 ,000.

[1311] He's shit like that.

[1312] He owns a ton of houses.

[1313] He was telling me about it.

[1314] He's fucking buying the town.

[1315] He's going to be the Trump of Bisbee, Arizona.

[1316] That's what he's going to be.

[1317] Doug Sandel's got, I own this town.

[1318] He's going to be like the bad guy in Roadhouse.

[1319] Remember the bad guy?

[1320] I own this town.

[1321] That's what Stanhope's going to do.

[1322] Everybody will have to dress like him.

[1323] I'm telling him, I'm thinking about moving there.

[1324] Sometimes I think about moving there.

[1325] I'm like, why not?

[1326] Let's fucking join him.

[1327] them.

[1328] It's seven miles away from Mexico.

[1329] If shit gets weird, you go left, you go right.

[1330] Pick your poison.

[1331] What do you want to do?

[1332] A drug cartels or rednecks?

[1333] What do you want to do?

[1334] Where do you want to go?

[1335] Yeah.

[1336] He's got a weird spot, man. They see people.

[1337] Like, when you're near the border like that, you see families coming over.

[1338] Like, I've talked to dudes who've been hunting in Arizona.

[1339] And there's areas that they avoid because too people are coming over the border and they're they walk you know and they'll even put things on their shoes like big chunks of carpet um and they uh tie them down to your to their shoes so that they don't make any footprints the hunters no no no mexicans coming over from the border like they'll wear things on their feet so that they don't leave obvious tracks it's really he's like it's crazy and i know guys that have seen them down there and run into them it's like a super common thing.

[1340] So like there is a trickle of people that are also pretty comfortable because it'd be like, it would be like running across the border on a carpeted area.

[1341] High class.

[1342] They did it for comfort.

[1343] It just so happened to cover up the tracks.

[1344] A lot of those folks die.

[1345] A lot of those folks go over and they get dehydrated.

[1346] They don't have enough water and they get stuck in the desert.

[1347] You know, if they try to come over like in July and August, like you could get fucked.

[1348] Yeah.

[1349] In southern Arizona?

[1350] Yeah.

[1351] If somebody doesn't pick you up, you know, there's supposed to be someone to come and pick you up.

[1352] I mean, they have like this whole system, I guess, set up how they get people over here.

[1353] It's kind of crazy, man. It's kind of crazy that we have like this boundary in the dirt that we decide.

[1354] If you're born over there, you're fucked.

[1355] You stay over there.

[1356] You're born over here.

[1357] You're on our team.

[1358] It's all just, they're just, if you pull back from it and you look at this connection between Mexico and the United States, it's like it's a landmass.

[1359] Yeah.

[1360] It's one landmass.

[1361] Like Mexico is physically connected to us.

[1362] It's a part of us.

[1363] If we were a being, that would be like being at war with our foot, or not letting our foot come in the shower.

[1364] No, you can't wash. I'm going to wash the whole body.

[1365] Like, this is a part of the entire, this thing.

[1366] You know, like to break it off into these imaginary lines in the sand is no different than us telling Seattle they have to go fuck themselves.

[1367] You know, no one from Seattle can come over here.

[1368] It's just, it's the same thing.

[1369] It's just they don't, you know, they obviously aren't under our constitution or our laws or any of that thing.

[1370] But they're connected to us.

[1371] They're literally a part.

[1372] of us they're right there but it's like what you said before about tribalism it's just so deep you know it's random and yet it's deep like a sports team it's like any guy can get traded any given year but you're still going to cheer for that fucking color uniform even though like a fight like the Mets in 86 after they won the World Series they fucking traded everybody off and they weren't the Mets anymore but people were still like you know wearing the jerseys and cheering yeah here's the question like how do you how do you stop something something like that just well the hope was globalism would you know that with all of us having access to the internet in our pockets with the same as people from india that there would be this you know you know the people had this amazing image of all the walls falling down and but that's not hasn't seem to be happening do you think because no because cult i mean you're getting more connected but but culture means a lot to people and they're going to keep it and that's that's that identifies them with who they are so they're never going to get rid of that and just become super well otherwise you know the westernization of the world would just be them all being us I mean what's the end answer is like everyone should be the same but most places you go around the world that are westernized quote unquote that are globalized it looks like us yeah but I mean we know for a fact that like Apple goes to China and pays people pennies and they have nets all around the buildings where these people live and work they have dormitories and they cover them with nets we know about foxcom we know we know we know that story so we know and we still buy these fucking phones i didn't even think twice i didn't even think twice i'm like those fucking jumpers make a hell of a phone wait wait put the phone down before you jump breast a little one dollar an hour hearts or whatever the fuck they get paid and we we accept that and we accept that not just in china but all throughout south america there's a bunch of different factories that employ people that pay them pennies compared to what they would have to pay the same person in America.

[1373] So what are you saying that we care less about them because they're not Americans?

[1374] Exactly.

[1375] Yeah, we literally allow people to give them slave wages.

[1376] Well, we would consider slave wages.

[1377] Like if someone took a guy like you and made you work for what someone at, you know, the blah, blah, blah factory that makes, you know, fucking jeans or sneakers or whatever the fuck they make, if they made you work for that amount, you would think you were in jail.

[1378] Yeah.

[1379] You're like, oh, my God, I have to live off of this.

[1380] These people control me. They own me. They have paralyzed me with poverty.

[1381] Like, there's no way I'll ever be able to escape this.

[1382] And the only argument against it is, while the quality of their life is much better than it was before the factory got there.

[1383] You know, before the faculty got there, nobody made any money at all.

[1384] Because they were eating coconuts and mangoes and they were catching fish.

[1385] Yeah.

[1386] Like, they didn't need any money.

[1387] Like, you made them work.

[1388] There's a lot of these places where you're setting up shop.

[1389] Like, they've been there for thousands and thousands of years.

[1390] They didn't need the factory.

[1391] You know, maybe the factory is nice to them.

[1392] Maybe it is good.

[1393] Maybe it does.

[1394] Maybe they do become dependent upon it over time.

[1395] But people have existed everywhere, all over the planet, without factories, for a long fucking time.

[1396] You don't need that factory.

[1397] There's a lot of other solutions.

[1398] It's not an either -or proposition.

[1399] Like, either the factory's there or they never get their shit together.

[1400] Like, no, that's not the case.

[1401] They could develop their own culture and society, just like the United States did.

[1402] but if you just make them in prison to these factories where they get paid slave wages in these foreign third world countries that we don't care about as much as we care about Detroit or we care about Chicago or we care about places that are just like that place connected to us yeah well I'm a commie or something right Jesus it's goddamn commie talk you're real it's realist it's gross the whole thing of not letting those people over here is gross it's you're going to have ended Eventually, like when are you going to keep it like that for a million years?

[1403] A million years now we're going to have states and you can't cross.

[1404] You can't immigrate from Mexico.

[1405] So a million years from now, we're still going to have deep poverty in Mexico and we're terrified of the drug war and leaking over our soil.

[1406] Is that what's going to go on a million years from now?

[1407] No, we're going to fucking, we're going to be one united planet, one super organism that can read each other's mind.

[1408] The federation.

[1409] The corporation.

[1410] This is a, the corporation.

[1411] This is a hiccup along a gigantic trail that leads from us throwing shit at each other.

[1412] from a tree to us being able to transcend literal space and time, become a part of some artificially created dimension that they establish.

[1413] That's, that's a hundred years from now or 200 years from now.

[1414] This is like a, this whole thing we're going through right now is a blip in time.

[1415] And it's also a challenge to how much technology really connects us.

[1416] It's like this guy's going to present a lot of challenges as like how much technology can unite human beings.

[1417] Well, the problem is, and you and I were talking earlier about, what's the law called again?

[1418] Moore's Law.

[1419] Moore's Law, that every two years, the speed of computers and the memory of computers doubles.

[1420] And that that's held true since the guy came up with the law, which was in, like, 1960.

[1421] That's the neighborhood, right, Jamie, Moore's Law?

[1422] Tell me that thing, yeah.

[1423] And the problem with it is, I'm reading this book right now about it, and the problem with it is that we can't keep up culturally, emotionally, legally, with how fast information is traveling and how, like you said, it's become everybody has access to the same information.

[1424] But it's also just, you know, the ramifications of, you know, corporations being able to get into your information.

[1425] Like, we don't have laws in place that can really tackle that.

[1426] Because it's happening so fast, you look at Airbnb.

[1427] We didn't have laws in place for people.

[1428] renting out their places, all paying taxes on using your own car to drive people as a taxi.

[1429] We're like one step behind progress, and we're going to stay that way because it's happening so fast, you know.

[1430] I saw a taxi today, and I went, wow, this is going to be like one of those pay phones.

[1431] Yeah.

[1432] You know, I'm looking at this car, this guy's driving.

[1433] I'm like, this is going to be a pay phone.

[1434] People are just going to have Priuses, and they're going to use, people are going to take Uber, it's better.

[1435] You know what's happening in big cities is Uber sort of replacing the cabs, making it tough for cabs and probably buses and private limos certainly.

[1436] Now it's starting to cut into cars.

[1437] People are not needing a car in major cities in L .A. And it cuts out all that drinking and driving shit.

[1438] I watch some guys slam into a fucking barrier last night.

[1439] No. Yeah.

[1440] Yeah.

[1441] I was driving home last night and there was this guy, driving home from the ice house.

[1442] This is guy to the left to me and he was speeding and he was flying by me man and he was losing control of his car a little bit just a little bit like he was just like you know he was just wiggling a little it was wet the roads were wet and this guy was just driving way too fast he's probably hydroplaining and I said this guy's just not keeping it together good he might be drunk or whatever so I pull over two lanes I give him some space and a minute after I do that bang he hits the fucking side the cement barrier spins out correct spins again fucked his car up no shit and then just came to a stand still in the middle of the highway came to a stop in the left lane yeah to turn in the right direction fortunately his car was fucked up for sure he might not have been able to drive but he was at least looking that way because sometimes dudes wind up sideways and when you wind up sideways on the highway you're fucked because not everybody is going to see you and it doesn't look like rear tail lights so you're not getting the same kind of reflection that you get, if you saw taillights, even a guy was stopped in front of you, he saw those taillights, you would know, oh, there's a car there.

[1443] Like sometimes when people are not totally paying attention, and there's a car that's sideways parked on the road, like, dude, who, I watched that happen once.

[1444] I was in New York, and I was coming home from a gig with my friend John, and we were driving, and there was a car that was stopped dead in the left lane.

[1445] and it had hazard lights on but the hazard lights were dying they were like super dim there was no battery juice and i saw it and i changed lanes quick but not that far away from it like i'm i barely missed it i missed it by like i don't know 50 yards or something like that close enough where it was like holy shit and then i look in my rear view and this guy plows into it at full speed and i see the cars in my rear view as i'm driving i see them spinning in the rearview mirror and I realize like people are probably dying back there I'm looking at dead people because they hit that thing going 70 miles an hour just slammed into it and everything's spinning around visions of a plane car crash it's so scary yeah I had a guy have you been in a bad car car accident I've been banged around and sput around mostly when I was you know old tires as a teenager but not like a fucking wreck wreck I got in a couple smaller, not too bad Rex as a comedian, you know, trying to drive.

[1446] Yeah.

[1447] Drive like in the drive home in the snow and shit because I don't want to pay for a hotel, dumb stuff, you know.

[1448] I was running late at night and I saw that car.

[1449] There was a really bad car accident a couple months, two months ago on Fountain where a girl was fucking shit -faced and people always fly home on Fountain because there's, you know, it's fast, there's no lights.

[1450] and a girl must have clipped a curb and then jetted to the other side like the fucking other side of the road I mean and missed parked cars which was insane and smashed into a one of those concrete walls on the corner you know what I mean the apartments have those concrete fucking huge wall I mean it and it looked like a fucking bulldozer ran into it going 50 you know what I mean it was like a million pieces I mean there were shit like two blocks up it was unfucking real.

[1451] God, when you see someone really hit something with a car, you realize how crazy car travel is and how those autonomous cars are like the future.

[1452] You're not going to be able to argue against it.

[1453] Right, because it takes, I mean, we've all been, I mean, I've fallen asleep at the wheel on the highway.

[1454] At night, I used to drive from Boston back to New York.

[1455] Saturday night, I would do two shows, then I'd get in my car wherever the fuck I was and I would drive to New York that night.

[1456] and I can remember windows open, singing as loud as I could, just because I would close my eyes and I would fucking wake up on the shoulder.

[1457] It was great.

[1458] I think about how many times I could have died, you know?

[1459] And I remember when I was a teenager, there was this 69 cougar that I was going to buy from this kid named Billy Arduino.

[1460] And it was a muscle car, and he had it fucking jacked up.

[1461] He was a motorhead.

[1462] And I was going to buy this car.

[1463] Where was he from?

[1464] Tarry Town.

[1465] The Artoinos.

[1466] And so this other kid bought it.

[1467] and I'm driving down Route 9, right in front of the hospital.

[1468] It's a two -lane road, but it goes like 50 miles an hour.

[1469] And I see the car, and it's driving in front of me, and there's a light rain, and I see him.

[1470] I don't know what the fuck happened, but he started going back and forth.

[1471] Fish tail.

[1472] I think he was gunning it because he saw me, and he was trying to be a badass.

[1473] Went in the opposite lane, hit this mother and kid fucking head on.

[1474] and to this day I can remember the smell of burnt rubber and oil like it happened like right in front of me and uh the woman was hospitalized sometimes somehow the kid was okay and this fat fuck just got right out of the car yeah nothing happened yeah yeah yeah they chipped a tooth yeah when you uh you see people driving really fucked up man there was a um i passed by this uh one of those power boxes whatever it is You know those things that are on the corner?

[1475] And it had all these wreaths on it.

[1476] And all this in memory of this person.

[1477] And then I looked up the story and it was two kids.

[1478] They were racing down the road.

[1479] And some lady pulled out and they clipped the lady and spun her car around but didn't hurt her and went straight into a pole and just died.

[1480] My best friend's handicap from doing the exact same thing, high school buddy.

[1481] He was racing.

[1482] I just spent New Year's with him.

[1483] Wow.

[1484] Wow.

[1485] So, be careful out there, kids.

[1486] So fucking scary.

[1487] You know, and being competitive.

[1488] Any other three guys in the car walked away?

[1489] Being competitive like that on regular streets and racing with people is so fucking dangerous.

[1490] So dangerous.

[1491] That's like you see those painted bikes that are chained to poles that represent bikers that died.

[1492] I mean, there's a...

[1493] Oh, is that what that is?

[1494] Well, L .A. doesn't really have a lot of it.

[1495] In Chicago, it's big, where I'm from, it's a big thing of, like, commuter bikes, passenger bikes, and messengers.

[1496] They get hit all the fucking time.

[1497] And then when they die, they spray -painted white.

[1498] and then they chain it to the pole at the intersection.

[1499] And my mom was saying it was like, she was fucking one year, it was almost like every other block she was driving down.

[1500] It was like, there's another bike, because people are fucking drunk as shit.

[1501] Don't give a fuck.

[1502] Clip some guy that's riding his bike home from work or some shit.

[1503] Yeah, it's a commitment to go, I'm going to ride a motorcycle.

[1504] You got to really buy into it because your odds of dying just go up exponentially from driving a car.

[1505] What are your odds of dying more?

[1506] Um, a bicycle or a motorcycle?

[1507] That's it?

[1508] Sorry, dude.

[1509] You're right.

[1510] I'm Debbie Downer.

[1511] I'm trying to.

[1512] I've been looking at Jeff all night.

[1513] Joe's got the reins and he's taking us down and we're going deep down.

[1514] I did not mean to.

[1515] I did not mean to me. I don't want to cry on your fucking podcast.

[1516] I'm glad you corrected me. If you want me to cry, don't hear it live.

[1517] You're right.

[1518] he needs a couple of tapes I'm not the first I'm not the first comic to cry in the basement of the comedy store Oh definitely not Yeah definitely not You're probably the first It didn't really do anything horrible though Yeah I came down here Adam brought me down here There's like a back room over there With just like storage shit in it And you know what I found I found Polly Shore's original script Of In the Army now With his acting notes to himself No. Like, one of them was like, be the weezer.

[1519] What?

[1520] Weasel.

[1521] Be the weasel.

[1522] Be the weaser.

[1523] Be the weaser.

[1524] Be that band.

[1525] They got some great heads.

[1526] But like the whole script he had marked up with all his acting notes.

[1527] Did you, I would have taken that.

[1528] I fucking tried.

[1529] Well, I would have taken it.

[1530] Oh, Adam was with you.

[1531] Yeah.

[1532] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1533] Well, there you go.

[1534] This place is, you know, one of the most.

[1535] if you believe in ghosts, one of the most notoriously haunted places in all of California, maybe in the country because it used to be Ciro's nightclub.

[1536] I believe in ghosts.

[1537] I saw Yaakov Smirnoff here the other day.

[1538] A lot of killings happen here, right?

[1539] It was a mob place?

[1540] I killed tonight.

[1541] Roast Battled.

[1542] Big tape in tomorrow.

[1543] Three nights, right?

[1544] Is it all sold out?

[1545] I don't know.

[1546] Rothpetaltickets .com.

[1547] Maybe the finale might not be.

[1548] That's next week.

[1549] Now, when you do these things, do you open up tickets to the public?

[1550] Yeah, they're free tickets.

[1551] Oh, wow.

[1552] Roastbattletickets .com is how to sign up.

[1553] Oh, that's awesome.

[1554] You're all invited.

[1555] And then it'll air January 26, 27, 28, 29.

[1556] It's a bracketed tournament.

[1557] 16 comics.

[1558] A lot of people from right here in L .A. Comedy store people.

[1559] A couple people who work here are like answering phones.

[1560] Jay Light, Frank Castillo.

[1561] Alex Hooper, a lot of L .A. comics from here in the comedy store.

[1562] Todd Barry's doing it.

[1563] Oh, he is doing it.

[1564] Wow.

[1565] Who's he going against?

[1566] He's awesome.

[1567] He's awesome.

[1568] He's awesome.

[1569] He's fucking funny, man. It's going to be crazy.

[1570] Todd Barry's one of the most underappreciated guys working today.

[1571] He's a fucking funny guy.

[1572] He's funny as shit.

[1573] So Lawrence holds the belt, right?

[1574] Yeah.

[1575] And does he get challenged?

[1576] I think he's going to challenge whoever wins his tournament.

[1577] There's so many funny, up -and -coming comedians.

[1578] And that is one of the best places for them to expose or to get exposure.

[1579] Some of them are barely comedians in Roast Battle, like helps them figure that out.

[1580] Yeah, they're just starting out.

[1581] Find their voice through those roast jokes.

[1582] Some of them are like we did.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] Well, the jokes that they write, I'm fucking blown away.

[1585] Every time I sit in and judged, I'm like, I'll say to them afterwards, how long did you write those jokes for it?

[1586] They'll be like, three months.

[1587] Like, they literally write for a month for one roast battle.

[1588] Two of the roasters told me they have the bracket up on their wall.

[1589] and they're writing ahead in case they advance or from when they advance.

[1590] Well, you guys have always said it best.

[1591] It's a joke writer showcase.

[1592] Yeah.

[1593] It's such an important thing in comedy right now.

[1594] Dude.

[1595] Love that.

[1596] Thank you.

[1597] It is, dude.

[1598] You need to have that world exist for people in a world right now where PC and people on their toes and who knows what to say what all the time and that's such a fucking deal now.

[1599] I'm so happy that that is still being represented in the comedy world because it fucking lightens everything.

[1600] it makes everything all the voices shut the fuck up and enjoy two people making fun of each other yeah it's like it's like the most clean thing that we need in in entertainment and especially for comedy because dude right now i feel like you're on tippy toes sometimes when you do shows in places and you're like what do i what can the what are these people going to get a no uh going to get offended by and and that fucking there's well what's so weird is that when we were coming up you know like i know joe and i were really and a Bill Hicks.

[1601] And like, I didn't necessarily agree with everything about his politics.

[1602] Certainly with Kinnison, I didn't believe in any of his politics.

[1603] But I fucking loved him.

[1604] And now, as a comedian, the crowd has an expectation that they have to agree with you.

[1605] Yes.

[1606] And that they'll actually yell out if they disagree.

[1607] It's like, that's not an option.

[1608] I had that to the first night.

[1609] I had that last night.

[1610] Guys like, not funny.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] Oh, yeah.

[1613] Yeah, you're going to have that.

[1614] And they feel like they have the wrong.

[1615] right now because they're so used to commenting on things.

[1616] They're so used to commenting on things with social media.

[1617] You could troll people.

[1618] That's what it is.

[1619] Roast battle, we don't troll on the internet.

[1620] We troll to each other's faces.

[1621] Yeah, well, no, that's a different animal.

[1622] Look, roast battle is so beautiful because it's a pure competition.

[1623] It's like, you know, Mike is so doom, and then, oh, shit, and then here we go.

[1624] Counter, like, it's like you're playing a game, you know, and sometimes the ball goes out of bounds, and sometimes it doesn't work.

[1625] Sometimes you hit net.

[1626] And sometimes you fucking smash it right in their face.

[1627] I mean, it really is.

[1628] But less people, I would say you're more apt to go to win if you go harder, right?

[1629] I mean, there's not too many people that lose by going too far, is there?

[1630] No. No. That's the fucking best ones I've ever seen are people that just go.

[1631] No, people are nervous.

[1632] As long as it's funny.

[1633] But what's really weird is when someone goes super mean and it's not funny.

[1634] Yeah.

[1635] Yeah.

[1636] But even that's beautiful to see.

[1637] I love that shit.

[1638] Even it's sort of entertaining, yeah.

[1639] Of course.

[1640] Yeah, sort of.

[1641] You know, they don't win, but it's good, fun entertainment.

[1642] It's squirmy.

[1643] Thank God the audience knows that failure in comedy is still a thing that's not just like, everything's not just a special prefabricated, a late -night set.

[1644] I think a lot of people, because they only see comedy in that way, they see specials on Netflix, they see late -night sets, things that are tight and are formula that have been practiced, that when they come see live comedy an inch of any sort of faltering and they're like, what?

[1645] Is you not a pro?

[1646] And Santino, you're about to release your Netflix special, right?

[1647] Showtime, on Showtime.

[1648] Oh, showtime.

[1649] So when that comes out, do you abandon your material now?

[1650] I mean, I've already started to implement a bunch of new stuff and do both right now before it even comes out just because I'm trying to get in the habit.

[1651] But yeah, I mean, I think so.

[1652] that's a personal thing.

[1653] I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it, but I think I'm trying to get rid of that stuff and try all new stuff.

[1654] I'm going to stop doing your shit probably a couple of weeks.

[1655] I'm hoping.

[1656] But you do it so much better.

[1657] That's the problem.

[1658] I sit and watch you do me after.

[1659] No, yeah, I'm trying to abandon it.

[1660] I think, but I don't, I'm not trying to do a special every year type of thing.

[1661] I don't think that's for me. I know that that's like the new thing, but I don't.

[1662] I think even Louie's backed off of that.

[1663] I mean, a lot of people have that aspiration of, like, I'll do one every fucking year.

[1664] And I'm always like, what for, though?

[1665] Well, wait to see what kind of year you have.

[1666] Yeah, yeah.

[1667] I mean, I have years where I write like a motherfucker, and I have years where I'm like, I'll look at a set list on my computer that says, like, you know, January, 2016.

[1668] And I look at it recently.

[1669] I'm like, wow, this is not that different than what I'm doing now.

[1670] You're like, I see a bunch of stuff I tried that didn't work.

[1671] Right.

[1672] And then I have years where, yeah, I will come up with close to an hour.

[1673] This is going to be the year where every comedy, the Trump, that's the one thing.

[1674] Every comic will have three specials in here.

[1675] Yeah, right.

[1676] I want everyone to have three.

[1677] Everyone's going to get three.

[1678] Dude, you can do Trump.

[1679] A little, just a little bit.

[1680] Give me a little something.

[1681] I heard it.

[1682] I like Joe Rogan.

[1683] Joe's good.

[1684] You know what?

[1685] He's a fighter.

[1686] That's why I like fighters.

[1687] He's a fighter.

[1688] I like fighters.

[1689] That's not bad.

[1690] It's good, except you got to get the R out of there on the New York accent.

[1691] You're close enough.

[1692] You're like almost there.

[1693] Where are you from?

[1694] Chicago.

[1695] you could do this like I can't do his voice I can't make that sound like I can imitate certain people's voices but I have a very limited range you know like the people I could do I could do good but I can't do him someone who's saying how hard like Trump was almost so quote unquote simple that like that's why anybody that comes on SNL and there's people can just there's a lot of people that can do the impression but they were saying how hard Hillary was which I get I didn't really think about it but I was like oh yeah that is such She's such a fucking hard voice to imitate.

[1696] Do you know what I mean?

[1697] Like, it's such a child.

[1698] Trump is, that's another reason it's so cartoonishly perfect that you're like, anybody who can do a voice like, like that is going to get.

[1699] Well, and Bernie was easy as hell.

[1700] Oh, my God.

[1701] He's just an old Jew.

[1702] It just was Larry David.

[1703] Yeah, Bernie was the same fucking guy.

[1704] Political revolution.

[1705] And then we're going out for soup.

[1706] We're going out for soup.

[1707] Everybody pays for their own soup.

[1708] He's like Jackie Mason a little bit.

[1709] Hey.

[1710] Hey.

[1711] Listen, kid.

[1712] That's what he said to the Pope.

[1713] I met the Pope.

[1714] I said, listen, kid.

[1715] Doing a great job with the Catholics.

[1716] Did you see him today?

[1717] He was doing that, he did something, today or yesterday.

[1718] Bernie Sanders, where he's grilling the guy that was at the Senate confirmation hearings.

[1719] Yeah.

[1720] Trying to make some sense of all of this.

[1721] I don't know.

[1722] I put the thing in the, I know it will get soup.

[1723] Trump's bringing in this guy that's kind of a climate change denier.

[1724] Yes.

[1725] So you're telling me that your response.

[1726] for the climate.

[1727] You don't even know if it's raining out and you're fucking you I shouldn't necessarily say he's a climate change denier he's a skeptic to the science you think it's true you deny it you think it's true you deny it what's the truth let's get soup let's get some soup you still owe me $2 for that split piece he's got a tab at Cantors he's listen I don't know my Cantor's tab how's the lock is the night baby I would love to have You have a little new president You know they're so nurturing Well he is He seems like a genuinely nice guy Yeah Who's that Bernie Sanders He seems like a yeah he does He does To me he does He seems like a genuinely nice guy But but but don't we know That anybody who has kind of the audacity And fucking self -indulgence To want to be president Is also behind that Fucking crazy A fucking crazy person Yeah I think I'm sure he's a nice person I was there for the right reason I beg to differ I spent 22 years in the Senate I was mayor of my town of or isn't it possible that someone could not want to be president until they realize that the country's back is up against the wall and that's when he finally ran it is possible but you realize there was no hope on the horizon for the status quo or this new thing this Trump thing and he's like maybe I'll go do you think had the DNC not fucking strategically shoved Hillary Clinton in front of him if he had fucking won do you do you think he could have beat Trump that's a that's a you know it's just an open speculation with the banks have allowed him to win who knows how it would have played out I'm so sure I'm so fucking curious to see that I would not something I'm prepared to to discuss at this time but would you think you would have won Bernie or what do you think you would have fucking beat Trump I think I would have given him a run for his money I think I would have won in the key states what key states do you think he would have beat him I think I would have won in, uh...

[1728] You think Michigan you would have taken that?

[1729] I think head to head I would have been very competitive with the Trump campaign.

[1730] Oh, wow.

[1731] I think we're both outsides.

[1732] Right.

[1733] Definitely, definitely.

[1734] You should do your Trump oppression now and you guys should duel.

[1735] Listen.

[1736] I'm sorry, Mr. President, I can't accept your presidency.

[1737] I'm stepping out of government.

[1738] I'm taking a job at Goldman Sachs.

[1739] I need to make some money.

[1740] You're welcome.

[1741] That's what I would say you're welcome.

[1742] I think I've done for you more than you've ever done for me. So, you're welcome.

[1743] You want to make college free?

[1744] You want to make college free.

[1745] I'm going to charge four times for college, four times, more debt.

[1746] Mr. Trump, I beg you, pardon.

[1747] Don't beg me. Don't beg me. What's enough tax returns?

[1748] I'm not going to show you my tax returns.

[1749] I don't need to show you.

[1750] Some undisclosed payments to your barber?

[1751] I don't think so.

[1752] My stylist does what he does very well.

[1753] I try to, I have a trans stylist, by the way.

[1754] I have a trans stylist.

[1755] You want to talk about trans?

[1756] culture, I have trans stylists.

[1757] Okay, don't tell me I don't like the LGBT community.

[1758] I'm very low budget.

[1759] I'm working on a...

[1760] I care more about important things in life.

[1761] You look like you shop at the dollar store.

[1762] It's pathetic.

[1763] I tried the Trump steaks.

[1764] They were harder to digested your foreign policy.

[1765] Trump steaks are delicious.

[1766] Don't listen to that.

[1767] They're better than Omaha steaks.

[1768] Don't listen to that.

[1769] We have premium cows.

[1770] Our cars are beautiful.

[1771] They're shipped over from from California.

[1772] You just said Russia?

[1773] I don't appreciate your racist comments that you've made in the past I'm not racist I'm racial I'm racial people with disabilities Oh what what what I can't mock a retard anymore What's the news coming to today I can't do that I can't sit up there And jiggle my wrist like we used to when we were seven Screw you burn I'm gonna mock a tard once in a while get used to in America Whoa That's legitimately what that was legit what would come out of his fucking brain that's for sure and you know what that would be fed live to America an argument between those two and fucking his fans would love it even more he's right he should mock fucking read fine fun that's what my buddy said to his mom he was like she was a diehard Trump supporter and he said justify seriously to me justify how he could mock a handicapped person just tell me what's the fucking spin on that he said it wasn't because he just watch it once volume off watch it once no one in the world if someone who speaks no English and doesn't understand our culture would go well they're probably making fun of it looks like they're making fun make them a character of somebody it's just there was this kid he was a comedian you know he does that about everybody that he thinks is flustered there's like a whole series I saw that really yeah like every time he thinks he goes he does that with when no one knows what they're doing oh and he's trying to figure this out yeah literally that's his thing that he does I'm not defending him, but the real fact is he always does that.

[1774] Right.

[1775] They showed video of them looping, but specifically he did like this arm thing like that.

[1776] Yeah, it was more specific.

[1777] It was pretty extra cool sauce on.

[1778] Yeah, it was definitely like wrists banging against each other kind of a move.

[1779] He does this in some of them open handy.

[1780] And then this was kind of like, I mean, it was just like what you would, when you were a punk kid in third grade or fourth grade was we're doing to each other mocking shit.

[1781] It was, like, so obvious that that's what it was.

[1782] There was this comic, and you guys probably wouldn't even remember him, but he was an L .A. comic, one of those guys that was just always around, and you never really saw him go on stage much.

[1783] Earl Skakel.

[1784] And he, uh, he had this, he had these giant front teeth and, like, a receded upper lip so that his teeth just, like, jutted out, and I'm talking to him, and I don't know what the fuck was going through my mind, but subconsciously, I, like, curled my lip up above my teeth.

[1785] and then he just looked at me and he goes oh that's really funny and I realized like in a second that I was doing it and I was so fucking embarrassed I didn't know what to say That's kind of like when someone's like Yeah when someone's twitching you just naturally Just do it with them for some reason I think it's a monkey response monkey see monkey do It's like subconscious Like when someone yawns and you start yawning Right Holy shit Or when someone has a fucking thing on their face You just kind of even feel it on your face.

[1786] Do you know what I mean?

[1787] It's not there, but you start to like feel it on your own face and then you got to go dude, you got that thing.

[1788] What are you doing, Jeff Ross?

[1789] Somebody knocked.

[1790] Somebody knocked?

[1791] There was no one there?

[1792] Shit.

[1793] Someone knocked.

[1794] I got to go anyway.

[1795] Jeff, this has been a blast.

[1796] I came in an hour before these guys.

[1797] You were the first ever on a live podcast.

[1798] Had a great time.

[1799] From the comedy store.

[1800] I had a big day.

[1801] I want to rest.

[1802] Yeah, you had a lot of shit going on here.

[1803] And you got a lot of shit.

[1804] Tomorrow's when you tape.

[1805] right so one more time for everybody roast battle january 26 27 28 28 29 on comedy central gonna be great john mayor sarah soberman um jason sedakis snoop dog jettleneck beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful all live on comedy central um you're in the uh in the uh sizzle reel it opens a show i'm so proud nice it's really fun andrew santino your showtime special what's it called it's called home field Advantage.

[1806] I did it in Chicago at the theater.

[1807] Are you from?

[1808] Yeah.

[1809] Oh, beautiful.

[1810] You already said that when you were talking about the accent.

[1811] I forgot.

[1812] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1813] And I did it in the theater that I used to go watch bands in when I was in high school.

[1814] It was such a fucking surreal thing.

[1815] That's fucking awesome.

[1816] It was fucking wild.

[1817] When is it out?

[1818] See you, man. June.

[1819] It'll be out in June.

[1820] June.

[1821] Beautiful.

[1822] Yeah.

[1823] Powerful Jeff Ross.

[1824] Greg Fitzgman's Fitzdog Radio.

[1825] Tour dates coming up.

[1826] Tacoma.

[1827] Oh, Austin.

[1828] Tampa.

[1829] Um, what's up Tampa Finnex?

[1830] I'll be coming to Phoenix.

[1831] Go to Fitzdog .com.

[1832] A lot of that shows.

[1833] Powerful Fitzdog.

[1834] What's that?

[1835] Yeah.

[1836] We should play poker down here sometimes.

[1837] I know.

[1838] Okay.

[1839] Yeah, live poker game.

[1840] Like a live poker podcast.

[1841] That'll be perfect for it.

[1842] I don't know how to play.

[1843] It'd be awesome.

[1844] Well, that camera, you stick it in the middle of the table and you can see everybody playing.

[1845] You should decorate this and fucking get an air conditioner.

[1846] Yeah, we could do some shit to this room.

[1847] This room is pretty badass.

[1848] It's cool that they have it.

[1849] Because you can also like Open it up to like a little bit of a Yeah, it's not bad Yeah, it's a good spot It's cool If you have the story Yeah Well you can definitely hear the We can still hear the piano We gotta get a TV down here We can see what's going on the stages We could get a monitor And watch everybody That would be fun That would be so fun Yeah we could easily do that Like mystery science theater Yeah Yeah that's not like rock science Jeff Thanks buddy Thank you Thank you Always a pleasure I'm going to come by tomorrow.

[1850] I gave you a dainty, womanly handshake there.

[1851] It was like, I'm a mad, a man shake.

[1852] Thank you, sir.

[1853] And Greg, where can people get a hold of your shit?

[1854] Fitzdog .com, baby.

[1855] Fitzdog .com, and Greg FitzRadio is your Twitter, right?

[1856] Fitzdog.

[1857] Fistog.

[1858] That's it, folks.

[1859] You have been witnessed to the very first ever, and it went into the 20th, so it's an inauguration podcast in a lot of ways.

[1860] Oh, it is?

[1861] Yeah, because we're here.

[1862] yeah so 20th um and uh that's it you fox first time ever comedy store live podcast we'll do it again it's fun