Kaley Cuoco

[0] Hi, my name is Kaylee Cuoco.

[1] And I feel giddy about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Ye.

[3] In the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends, are going to be friends.

[5] Hello, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, or as it's written on all the sheets that I have, someone here started putting just K -N -A -F, C -O -N -A -F?

[6] That's the acronym for Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[7] I know what it is now, but I don't like it.

[8] It's not a good acronym because every time I see it on a sheet of paper, it's like, Conan is fuck is what it looks like to me. And so I swear to God, I see it all the time, and I'm like, what's Konaf?

[9] Well, also the initials you like to use are C -O -B, not C -O.

[10] Yeah, I know.

[11] I've never been C -O, so when I see K -A -F, it just says, sounds like some skater punk really likes the podcast.

[12] It's like, Conan is fuck.

[13] And then he goes down a railing on his, on his skateboard.

[14] That's cool.

[15] What do they call their skateboards?

[16] Their platforms.

[17] I have no idea.

[18] What do they call them?

[19] They must have a cool word for their...

[20] Jeez, you know more than we do.

[21] I don't know.

[22] It's not a platform.

[23] Girls, do you know?

[24] No, but Conan, you truly are.

[25] Conan is fuck.

[26] No, no, no. I'm sure I'm wrong.

[27] The fact, don't give me props for being right.

[28] We're going to get a lot of hate mail now.

[29] Hate mail.

[30] God, I'm old.

[31] Yeah, no one gets on their platforms.

[32] I don't know.

[33] I'm buying it.

[34] I kind of, maybe you should coin it.

[35] I think that works.

[36] All right.

[37] It just really rolls off the tongue.

[38] Bro, let's grab our platforms.

[39] And hit the ramp.

[40] The ramp.

[41] I don't know.

[42] The half pipe, right?

[43] I don't know.

[44] I don't know.

[45] The big you.

[46] I've never been, I'm the last person in the world could ever get on escape.

[47] because of my high center of gravity.

[48] I can't even picture you on a skateboard.

[49] No, it would be like, yeah, putting a giraffe on like one of those moving little coal carts, you know?

[50] Putting its four long spindly legs into a little iron ore coal cart and shoving it down a hill.

[51] That's exactly what it would be like.

[52] So anyway, you've probably figured out right now that this is Conan O 'Brien needs a friend or Conan is fuck.

[53] And sorry if your children are listening with you in the car But you should know better by now I'm joined by Sonob Sessian Who just luxuriently lathered her hands with what exactly Is that an old family recipe?

[54] What is that?

[55] It's hand lotion I know, I'm just curious what it is Oh, it's O 'Keefe's working hands hand lotion O 'Keeves, okay What?

[56] I just like the Irish one thing we have Her skin gets dry What would make hand lotion and beer?

[57] Those are the two things we know how to do.

[58] It's good.

[59] All right.

[60] Well, I'm glad you moisturized.

[61] I have not been doing it and I have the hands of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

[62] Yeah.

[63] After it was dug up, eight billion years later.

[64] I have gnarled claws.

[65] Have you ever noticed this that hands always give away?

[66] I've noticed this and Matt Gorley joining us as well.

[67] Hello, Matt.

[68] Hi, guys.

[69] I've noticed this and I'm wondering if you noticed it too.

[70] And I don't mean to be cruel, but the hands are the one thing that don't lie.

[71] So over the years, I've had many celebrities on and I swear to God, I mean, I thought, like, wow, this celebrity looks really good.

[72] And I'm talking to them in person.

[73] Yeah.

[74] And they look very attractive.

[75] And they're, you know, I was like, wow, I thought they were older because they've thought they've been around a long time, but they must be much younger than I thought.

[76] And then they raised their hand to scratch their face or something.

[77] Oh.

[78] And suddenly a turkey's claw comes up.

[79] And you're like, ah!

[80] And it's some beautiful iconic woman or some amazing guy, like some A -list actor, and they're talking to and they're like, if you don't mind, I'm just going to take a lifesaver right now.

[81] And then suddenly a mummy's gruesome mitt freshly extracted from the tomb rises up and it's holding a pineapple lifesaver.

[82] And the celebrity goes, and then the mitt goes back down again.

[83] And for a second, all is revealed that they're really thousands of years old.

[84] And they've been raised by some incantation to leave the pyramid and stalk the living to feast upon their flesh.

[85] Anyway, I'm one of those people.

[86] I think I'm a fairly youthful fellow.

[87] And then I sometimes look down at my hands and I'm horrified because I don't moisturize at all.

[88] Do you want some lotion?

[89] I don't want to, I'm not going to use O 'Keefs.

[90] I happen to know the O 'Keeves and they're a bunch of assholes.

[91] I grew up next door to the O 'Keefe.

[92] And they're always like, what scam can we work next?

[93] Well, let's take this shite off the ground and pretend it's hand lotion.

[94] We'll market it and some idiot will buy it.

[95] Oh, come on.

[96] No, I'll look down occasionally at my hand and it really does look like a lab skeleton with a wedding ring on.

[97] So you can't, the hands don't lie.

[98] That's the message I want to put out there.

[99] You can get a facelift.

[100] You can get a hand lift.

[101] A hand lift.

[102] I don't think there is a hand lift.

[103] You know what I think they should market is mittens that look like a younger hand.

[104] Oh.

[105] You know, so you just put mittens on, and it's actually like a photograph of a much younger person's hand.

[106] But, I mean, they just notice that the fingers have no articulation, that their fingers are always closed.

[107] And the nails are fake.

[108] Yeah, whatever.

[109] Who cares?

[110] Yeah, the nails stick on on top.

[111] Occasionally they pop off, but you can also eat them.

[112] They're made of little hard candies.

[113] What?

[114] That doesn't make sense.

[115] Someone sees you with, hey, Conan's hands look really good, and then I take off a nail, and I start chewing it and it's really marzipan.

[116] Someone market that.

[117] I want to sell those.

[118] That's a great idea.

[119] Someone market that.

[120] Hands be young, I'd call it.

[121] Hands be young.

[122] And just these mittens you put on your...

[123] So it stops at your wrist?

[124] Or do you put it all?

[125] Is it a long glove?

[126] It stops at your wrist.

[127] Is it photorealistic?

[128] Yes, photorealistic.

[129] We should do that as merch for this show, but it's your hands that people can get.

[130] Yeah.

[131] That's a great idea, girls.

[132] Yeah.

[133] If you want my freckled, gnarled hands, Fresh from the grave, by the way.

[134] That's the most horrifying thing I could think of.

[135] No, no. I just, you know, I'm trying to help people out because that's what I've noticed.

[136] People ask me, Conan, what's the one thing you've learned after 28 years of interviewing some of the biggest celebrities in the world day in and day out?

[137] The hands don't lie, you know?

[138] That should be the name of your memoir.

[139] People shouldn't say, talk to the hand because the hand deceives.

[140] No, wait, that's not right.

[141] No, that's right.

[142] What?

[143] That's why people say talk to the hand, because you'll get the truth.

[144] Yes.

[145] Huh?

[146] No, that's not what talk to the hand means.

[147] No, it does now, though.

[148] Talk to the hand is like, talk to the hand.

[149] Like, don't talk to my face because it's not worth what you're saying.

[150] I know, but in my meaning of talk to the hand, it would be, um, Conan, you look quite youthful.

[151] Oh, yeah?

[152] Talk to the hand.

[153] And then I raise my hand and suddenly they see, uh, well, basically, you ever seen someone who's from like 900 years ago in the, they died in a tar pit.

[154] They fell into it 900 years ago while hunting a rat.

[155] And then they dig them up and there's still some skin on their hand.

[156] But they've spent 900 years in a bog.

[157] That's my hand.

[158] So specific.

[159] That's my hand.

[160] Well, you know, the thing is, though, what you can do to help that is moisturize.

[161] And I've given you the option to moisturize and you're discriminating against the hand lotion.

[162] Well, I'm not going to use O 'Keeves.

[163] What the hell?

[164] I look to the Irish for Guinness and for knit caps, nothing else.

[165] I really did.

[166] I. The Irish.

[167] If the Irish made a car, who'd, oh, did you hear there's a new, there's a new car out of the market.

[168] It's called Mick Mulligan's.

[169] No one's going to buy that car.

[170] Oh, there's a new type of surgery that they can do on your eye.

[171] Oh, yeah, what's it called?

[172] Oh, it's called Old Man Malaney's eye surgeon.

[173] No, I don't want that surgery.

[174] The Irish, Irish names don't inspire trust unless it's Guinness or a really good tweed cap.

[175] You know, my heart, they say I have a problem with my heart valve.

[176] Oh, yeah, you're going to get an operation, you're going to get a bypass, you're going to, yeah, I'm going to thinking of getting one.

[177] There's a new procedure they have.

[178] It's called Seamus McMarthys, roundabout and twisty.

[179] Oh, I don't want that heart surgery.

[180] How many times is it worked?

[181] It's never worked.

[182] Roundabout and twist.

[183] But everyone dies on the table.

[184] But it's a fun procedure.

[185] Sure.

[186] Anyway, we can't waste any more time.

[187] We've got a fantastic guest today.

[188] Yes.

[189] Guest who's actually here in person.

[190] Yes.

[191] And this is so nice that she's here in person because, as you know, during these times, these COVID times, we talk to a lot of people remotely.

[192] And it's been really good.

[193] It's been fine.

[194] We've been having a blast.

[195] But it's just extra special and nice.

[196] And I really do.

[197] I'm just very grateful that she could be here in person.

[198] We've both been very safe.

[199] She's here.

[200] My guest.

[201] today starred as Penny for 12 seasons in the hit CBS series, The Big Bank Theory.

[202] Now you can see her in the new HBO Max series, The Flight Attendant.

[203] Kaylee Cuoco, welcome.

[204] Was that a giddy noise you just made?

[205] Yeah, that was the giddy.

[206] Oh, my God.

[207] That's the only expression.

[208] That could be so many different noises.

[209] That was me being giddy.

[210] That's you being giddy.

[211] I am giddy too because we've been doing so many of these over Zoom.

[212] because of the pandemic.

[213] Yes.

[214] And then we heard that you were willing to, that you said you'd be willing to come in and speak to me in person, which very few women are even before the pandemic.

[215] Well, I have a full team of security waiting in the car.

[216] Yes.

[217] But yes, I just said, you know what?

[218] I'm going to give this a chance.

[219] I really just wanted to see Sona, to be honest with you.

[220] I'm like, no, I'm sorry.

[221] And Matt Gourley, I feel like I know you guys.

[222] and I wish you guys were in the room with us right now.

[223] Conan, I'm excited to see you, but I'm really excited about your team.

[224] Okay, well, listen.

[225] I love you already.

[226] I love you.

[227] Yeah, right back at you.

[228] Listen, we're going to edit this all out because the sound quality, I've told, is inferior.

[229] I'm getting a sign from our engineer that the sound quality on those compliments for Sonan Gourley.

[230] Yeah, no, Conan, if you want to take 45 minutes or so and just take a break, we got this.

[231] Conan, when I walked in, said that he had allotted six hours for this.

[232] Is that, is that what you guys normally do?

[233] Yes, exactly.

[234] It's a trap.

[235] When they said I'm having an Italian meal sent in and then a Thai meal sent in four hours after that.

[236] Oh, wow, it's so international.

[237] Yes, yes.

[238] I just wanted us to experience different cuisines.

[239] We're going to have a flight of wines.

[240] We're going to start with.

[241] No, I adore you, but also the fact that you're here in person, the Zoom of it all is just so difficult.

[242] It's not the same, huh?

[243] Yeah, and we're here.

[244] Now, we are separated, I just want to assure everybody, by what looks to be the spit guards from a Sizzler restaurant, like, it protects the salad.

[245] They put up this big thing.

[246] I remember that from Sizzler.

[247] Yes.

[248] I do remember that.

[249] My mom used to take me there after auditions to Sizzler.

[250] That was our special place.

[251] You know, when I first came, this is probably before you were born, Kaley, but when I first came out to Los Angeles, I graduated college, I came out to Los Angeles, with my writing partner, Greg Daniels, and we were just these two single guys that didn't know anything, and we thought that it was so cool to go to the sizzler, and I remember saying, you get your own trade, and then you put it, and I remember telling people back home, we eat at the sizzler, because I didn't eat out when I was growing up.

[252] And so I was bragging to people, and I may have tried to take a date to the sizzler, which may explain 11 years of celibacy.

[253] They had, they used to have, I used to get excited, because they had like an ice cream, you could do the swirl there.

[254] Like you'd go up to the ice cream machine and get the swirl.

[255] Right.

[256] At the sizzler.

[257] At the sizzler.

[258] Yeah, at the sizzler.

[259] You know what?

[260] Someday when this is all over, Kaylee, I'm taking you to the sizzler.

[261] I would love that.

[262] I'll get a pass from my wife.

[263] We'll get a pass from your husband.

[264] I would love that.

[265] We'll go to the sizzler.

[266] No monkey business, but I will hold onto your tray for you.

[267] I will handle both trays and we will go to the sizzler.

[268] Oh my goodness.

[269] Yeah, no. I'm thrilled that you're here.

[270] I mean, we had a great Zoom interview.

[271] We did.

[272] And you wore a nightgown.

[273] I did.

[274] And then I begged you if I could come on your podcast.

[275] I think I pressured you into coming.

[276] Didn't need any pressure?

[277] I was like, please add me on.

[278] I've been, you don't understand.

[279] Attractive star in a nightgown wants to come talk to you.

[280] In the studio.

[281] It wasn't a very sexy nightgown.

[282] That's the best part.

[283] I think any nightgown is sexy.

[284] I think if you had been dressed like a gold miner, you know, With, like, with the button patches in the back, you know, like.

[285] Oh, my God.

[286] I'd have been excited, you know, so.

[287] Well, I got to tell you, I don't want to make your head too big, but this is on my work bucket list.

[288] Oh, cool.

[289] Yeah.

[290] Yeah, the other was shoot a show during a pandemic, which is weird that that came true.

[291] It did come true.

[292] And we're going to talk about that because this was a, this is some project you put together while, and during pandemic, when everything's been shut down.

[293] Yes.

[294] I still can't believe.

[295] I mean, it's now been three years in the making and we finished it.

[296] It's wild.

[297] And except for the only person who seems to work steadily is Tom Cruise.

[298] Every time I read, pick up the paper, pick up the paper.

[299] Isn't that funny?

[300] I go get the paper.

[301] And their newsboy gives it to me. Hey, mister, they sank the Lusitania.

[302] And Tom Cruise is doing stunts in Spain.

[303] Thanks, boy.

[304] How are you?

[305] I got the consumption.

[306] But anyway, I, um, Yeah, he's, oh, he's still constantly like, yes, he was on a, finding new ways to die during a pandemic.

[307] Doing all his own stunts.

[308] Yes, they strapped him.

[309] He's in his late 70s now and he's still like, strap me to the motorcycle and put rockets on it.

[310] You know, Tom, this isn't a good idea.

[311] And then fire me into the side of a battleship.

[312] But there's a pandemic.

[313] I don't care.

[314] Tom, it's not a good idea.

[315] Yeah, so, no, I want to talk about this because you shot this project, the flight attendant.

[316] and you shot it, I mean, all over the place too.

[317] Rome, Thailand, right?

[318] Yeah, we went to Thailand.

[319] It was a year ago this month, which is crazy.

[320] And then we went to Rome, January, February, right before everything shut down.

[321] Right.

[322] Which was wild because we shot the finale in January.

[323] We went out of order.

[324] You had to wait.

[325] You had to wait till everything calm down again to start shooting again, right?

[326] Right, yes.

[327] So we shot the finale in January, so we kind of swapped it up.

[328] And then we came back to New York, and we were doing eight episodes and got shut down during episode six.

[329] And that's when I was like, oh, let us finish.

[330] And then we went home.

[331] And then I just went back again.

[332] I have quarantined so many times.

[333] Like, it's crazy.

[334] Went back to New York.

[335] Finished a couple months ago.

[336] And yeah, we got it done, which was, I mean, it all looked a little bit different.

[337] Yeah.

[338] But we did it.

[339] I saw a trailer for it a couple of days ago, and it looks fantastic.

[340] Thanks.

[341] No, no, like it really looks, it looks sort of like a great combination of intense, but also some nice light moments, too.

[342] I just want to know what Sona thinks of the trailer.

[343] Oh, I loved it.

[344] I watched it with Conan.

[345] And I just really enjoy that you like my input.

[346] I want your opinion.

[347] Also, Matt, did you see it by any chance?

[348] I have seen it.

[349] Oh, thank you.

[350] Again, I'm getting some bad engineering readings.

[351] No, no. Every two days clear.

[352] I can hear everybody.

[353] We were at 34 megahertz there when we needed to be below 30.

[354] Do you know what that means?

[355] No, not sure.

[356] I think it just means it really hurts a lot.

[357] Oh, it hurts a lot.

[358] So, no, no, what we're going to do is we'll probably remove any part.

[359] Also, we've been finding that listenership really drops.

[360] Drops.

[361] Well, what it's all about.

[362] And listen, I'm just going off of, I'm a guy who's all about statistics.

[363] Oh, right, right.

[364] Yeah, right.

[365] You read all the stuff about the podcast.

[366] It's stats.

[367] I like stats.

[368] Do you read the stats and reviews and everything?

[369] Yeah, and we get a huge drop off.

[370] And we lose a lot of advertising that's too much about Matt.

[371] Oh, oh, oh.

[372] So let's just keep the focus.

[373] Oh, got it, got it, got it.

[374] Over here on the rapidly aging, fat -headed Irishman.

[375] Oh, my God, this is so sad.

[376] My jaw just fell off as I was laughing.

[377] I'm putting it back on now.

[378] You know, Kaylee, I have to say I will attest to the fact that you were a very, very nice person in just the times that I've encountered you on the Warner Brothers lot when you were working on Big Bang all those years.

[379] Yeah, we were neighbors.

[380] Yeah, and you seem like such a normal, healthy person and at the risk of, I mean, being an actor and starting at such a young age, that can go so wrong.

[381] Do you know what I mean?

[382] It can go so wrong.

[383] And I've almost to the point where I think children shouldn't be allowed to be actors because it can go so wrong.

[384] But something went really right with you.

[385] Are we talking, is this parenting?

[386] Is this just also your genetics?

[387] What is it?

[388] He's just like a very nice, normal person.

[389] Oh, that's so sweet.

[390] Yeah, we were neighbors for many years on the Warner Brothers lot.

[391] You know, I started when I was really little.

[392] I have the greatest parents in the world.

[393] I don't know how I've managed to stay so normal.

[394] Right.

[395] I have a life outside of this exciting life out of my work life that I think is super important.

[396] I remember when I was little, my mom, she used to say, like, you can't put all of your eggs in one basket.

[397] She always said that to me, and so she didn't want me just to be an actor.

[398] I did so many things when I was younger.

[399] You know, I played sports, and I loved the arts, and I went away to camps and went away with my friends.

[400] And so any sort of audition or things that didn't go well, never, it didn't get me down, you know.

[401] It didn't, so I always had something else to go to, and that excited me. And I think that was super important.

[402] And a lot of people, I feel like that's the missing link with some of these kids who are working, and even young teenagers growing up, like, it's all about this.

[403] And so the devastation is so hard when you don't get a job or, I mean, you're going to hear no so many more times than you're going to hear, yes, and I have.

[404] have heard my share.

[405] I don't hear no anymore, but I did for a long time.

[406] But you can probably understand being told no. Being told no, I'm constantly told no. Just in general?

[407] I was told no before I got famous.

[408] I was told no after I got famous.

[409] I spent the first couple of years of late night, any article about the show was just no. Just said no. No, no, make this stop.

[410] This man shouldn't be doing this.

[411] And then I've been, I've been married, happily married, but married in a healthy marriage, which means I'm told no regularly about everything.

[412] And now I have teenage children that delight in just telling me I'm an idiot.

[413] And so I remember Gary Shandling visiting the set of my show.

[414] And this is the late night show years ago, but he visited the set and then he came into my dressing room to have like a heart to heart with me and say, how's it going and how are you doing?

[415] And he said, do you have too many yes men around you?

[416] And I said, Gary, I would kill for one.

[417] I just want one person that says yes just because they're in awe of my store power.

[418] No. And I call it gravity.

[419] I really think gravity is the thing that saves our asses over and over and over again, which is just the gravity of people in our lives that are like, no. No, you're absolutely right.

[420] What are you talking about?

[421] It is the yes men.

[422] And I feel like a lot of people are surrounded by that.

[423] And I just never was.

[424] I never was.

[425] and it was great for me. And I also think, I mean, for pivoting a little bit, but when I was on the John Ritter show, that was a big experience for me, especially working.

[426] John was my biggest example of such class.

[427] Did you know him?

[428] Yeah, I was going to, if you didn't mention him, I was going to bring him up, and I'm so glad you did.

[429] I always mention him.

[430] You did eight simple rules with John Ritter, and obviously John Ritter, just this incredibly unnaturally gifted in like the Dick Van Dyke mode, complete package, a physical comedian, but also very dexterous, very verbal, and so likable and winning.

[431] So I just grew up thinking that guy's great.

[432] And he's a great dramatic actor too.

[433] He was really amazing.

[434] He was terrific.

[435] And so, you know, when our show was struggling early on, I got this call that John Ritter wanted to come by and do the show.

[436] And he and his wife came, and he was so, incredibly nice to me and went way out of his way to just say, I think, I like what you're doing and gave me advice and told me stories about working with Lucille Ball and just told me, took me under his wing a little bit.

[437] And I was devastated when he passed away because, and people need to remember not only how talented he was, but just such a supernaturally nice person.

[438] The kindest person in the whole world.

[439] I mean, he, you're absolutely right.

[440] And the most hilarious.

[441] He was so nice to everybody.

[442] I remember that when we were first on the show, and because it was an ABC show affiliated with Disney, we did this big press thing at Disneyland.

[443] How old would you be at the time?

[444] 16.

[445] I was 16.

[446] And it was like my first kind of experience with kind of doing press for a show.

[447] And John was there, and we did this big photo op. And John said in the afternoon, he brought his own kids, and we all were going to go ride the rides in the afternoon.

[448] And, you know, he had security and all these people.

[449] I don't remember making it to one ride because he stopped for every single person, every child adult that wanted a picture with him, wanted to shake his hand for hours.

[450] And he would take the time.

[451] It was really unbelievable because I feel like a lot of people now, you know, put their head down and walk forward.

[452] Right, they're not generous that way.

[453] No, and he just would give his time.

[454] I mean, it was really, I've never seen anything like it.

[455] He was also the king of the dad joke.

[456] He had four jokes that he told for two years.

[457] And I'd always be like, I'm never going to laugh at that again.

[458] And every time, his favorite, joke.

[459] We used to do these scenes.

[460] They were in the living room and we'd be eating.

[461] And so there were always chips around.

[462] And he would come up behind me or any of us and he put a chip on my shoulder.

[463] And he goes, do you have a chip on your shoulder?

[464] And then he walk away every day.

[465] And it's so silly and I would fall over and cry laughing.

[466] But you know what I love.

[467] I love that I'm a big believer that even a lame joke, if you commit to it, and I mean for a period of years.

[468] And what I love to do was I love to do that and then pull the people around me and say, was that funny?

[469] Yeah.

[470] Is that funny?

[471] And they get so worn down after a while.

[472] Sona, do I not do this all the time?

[473] All the time.

[474] And then I'll say like, was that pretty funny?

[475] Was that funny?

[476] It's all the time.

[477] And they get worn down to the point of just saying like, yeah, yeah, it's pretty good, it's pretty good.

[478] Even though I've done it a million times and it was never funny.

[479] But it's a weird kind of performance art. Like someone in another world is watching and I have to do this a billion times.

[480] I think John felt that exact same way.

[481] He just had a few, and we would just die.

[482] He would do, he was the guy that I feel, like, during sitcom world, he wanted to make the audience laugh so hard, not even just at the dialogue, but he'd love to break.

[483] He would break on purpose.

[484] Yeah.

[485] And we'd be doing a scene, I mean, we were doing a serious, you know, the father, daughter, emotional scenes that we had.

[486] And it'd be so serious.

[487] And out of nowhere, he'd go, does anyone else have to pee?

[488] We would all just, and die.

[489] Yeah.

[490] Die.

[491] And he did it every show night.

[492] Yeah.

[493] And the crowd, they loved it.

[494] And I ended up, I emulated a lot of that when I went on to big band.

[495] because I would do breaks on purpose.

[496] I would make them laugh.

[497] And the audience, they just feel so connected to you.

[498] It was really cool.

[499] I've always been a big believer in, like, if there's an audience there, you know, there were times, and I've been parts of other shows or productions where they'll stop the show and they almost act like, yeah, the audience will be fine.

[500] Don't worry about them.

[501] We're going to stop it now and do some fixes.

[502] And I'm always like, no, no, no, no. Hello, hello.

[503] No, no, no. They're right there, and I'm so needy that I will, like, wade into the crowd.

[504] I mean, this is pre -COVID, but I would wait into the crowd and like try and individually warm everyone up.

[505] And there's a warm -up comic there.

[506] And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got this.

[507] I've got to talk to all of them and let them know that I was unhappy as a boy.

[508] You know what's funny is that you started, obviously you had success at a really young age, but you know, something like the Big Bang theory, which lasted for so long and set, I think set a record for being the longest running multi -camera sitcom.

[509] You now are probably in your everyday life confronted with the image of yourself.

[510] You're just waiting to get on an airplane.

[511] You're waiting, you know, or you're at someone's house or you pause anywhere and there's a public screen.

[512] Yeah.

[513] The show is playing all the time.

[514] Are you okay with seeing yourself from like the first season or two?

[515] You know, it's interesting.

[516] Actually, had a conversation my girlfriend about this recently because I truly, not that I really care, but I really have grown up in front of the camera.

[517] Like I've played my age, I'm turning 35 in two weeks, and I've played my age since I was like seven years old.

[518] And so everyone has seen me kind of grow up.

[519] And I've watched, like, that doesn't happen.

[520] You don't get other people kind of watching how you change and all this stuff.

[521] It's very, very strange to kind of accept, you know, getting older and not looking the way that you did before.

[522] But the early episodes of Big Bang, I mean, I can't believe how many hairstyles I had and just like the different clothes.

[523] And it's very weird.

[524] I'm much more okay watching the earlier seasons as opposed to the more recent ones.

[525] Oh, why's that?

[526] The recent ones are still too recent for me. It's just too emotional for me. But like the early, early ones feel like a different person and feel like a different time.

[527] So I'm able to watch them and laugh.

[528] Oh, my God, that was so long ago.

[529] But the recent ones are tough.

[530] It was a hard, it was a strange kind of, you know, getting out of that and figuring out what the next step was going to be.

[531] It was very weird.

[532] In my mind, I was going to be on it for 27 years.

[533] Just kept going and going and going.

[534] It just kept happening.

[535] And one of the things that I think I can kind of relate to it, and I have a friend or two who can relate to it.

[536] I've been really good friends forever with Lisa Kudrow.

[537] And she clearly, there's this body of work that lasted for a really long time and is so iconic.

[538] And you've been part of the same thing.

[539] And what I think people don't realize is that when you, I'll have people come up to me and they'll reference something and I don't know what they're talking about.

[540] And I've had people say to me, this happened at work once.

[541] I think I've, I mentioned an actor that I always wanted to work with and they said, what are you talking about?

[542] You did a scene with him.

[543] And I said, no, I did.

[544] And I didn't.

[545] And they said, you know, you did.

[546] You worked with Jerry Orbach and you did a scene with him.

[547] And I went, no, but I really wish I had done like a fake dramatic scene with him.

[548] And they went, you did.

[549] In 1994.

[550] And I said I absolutely did not because I idolized Jerry Orbach.

[551] orbach and then they went and got the tape and put it in and it's a full on scene that I shot with him and I idolize him oh my god it's just the first of all I should tell people now I have a rapidly deteriorating brain something seriously wrong with me I think people know I'm just gonna say I think people have figured that out by now yeah it's no but I also think it's just you know there's probably episodes or things that you did where whatever, someone dumped caramel on your character and if someone said to you, if you ever had caramel dumped on you, you'd say like, no, I remember that.

[552] I remember everything.

[553] Oh, you do?

[554] Because you still have caramel in your hair.

[555] That's why I brought it up.

[556] I haven't washed my hair in three years.

[557] I know, and it really stinks.

[558] You smell like three -year -old caramel.

[559] It's so weird that you can spot that.

[560] It's an awful smell.

[561] There's all this weird stuff stuck to your head.

[562] Weird post -it notes.

[563] That's how I keep track of everything, though.

[564] Yeah, but some of them aren't even your post -it notes.

[565] They're just flying.

[566] Some of them are like, yeah, things that have just blown on to you.

[567] Oh, my God.

[568] No, but I remember everything.

[569] You do?

[570] Yes, and the weird part is we did a little thing.

[571] When Johnny and I did this after the show special with Chuck Lurie after we were wrapped, they did a test with me to see if I could remember.

[572] Because I have a thing, I have a kind of a photogenic memory.

[573] So I remember every outfit for, you could, I could, I could, I could, I can, could tell you the outfit I was wearing in every scene.

[574] And they tested me and I got every single one right.

[575] They were like, okay, and I knew exactly what I was wearing and what my hair looked like and what lip gloss I had on.

[576] That's a weird skill.

[577] I wish that's such a specific superpower.

[578] I can remember everything I was wearing at that time.

[579] Right, but how do you solve crime with that?

[580] I don't.

[581] Oh, it doesn't help me at all.

[582] So who's the murderer?

[583] Oh, I don't know.

[584] But I was wearing.

[585] But I know what she was wearing.

[586] The lip gloss was more of a foundation.

[587] than a gloss.

[588] Yeah, I don't know.

[589] What do I know?

[590] I don't know anything.

[591] I just, I'm really shocked by, I brought this up because the other day they keep reposting on different sites, old clips of things I've done.

[592] And there was one, I don't know how old I was at the time, but I have super long sideburns.

[593] Really?

[594] And they're kind of sharp at the bottom and I'm like, I never did that.

[595] Yes, I did, it's right there.

[596] And I look like a riverboat game, gambler, you know.

[597] Why did I do that?

[598] It's like you could great cheese on those things.

[599] Speaking of memories, I remember my first time on your show.

[600] You probably don't.

[601] It's okay.

[602] But I remember I had told you that I got a ticket at Warner Brothers for speeding.

[603] And you had me in Stitchy and you're like, what did they send you to Daffy Duck jail?

[604] You had this hole, and you had me literally crying.

[605] We were laughing so hard.

[606] I don't recall any of it.

[607] I've completely forgotten who you are, by the way.

[608] I'm Kaylee.

[609] Listen, a very attractive blonde woman in here with me, and I'm not sure this is COVID safe.

[610] She claims she was on some show about a bang.

[611] I don't know.

[612] You know what's fun, though, is that, I want to ask you about this because you voice Harley Quinn for the DC universe.

[613] And that is a show that does not have to be, like Big Bang Theory, appropriate for all ages.

[614] Do you know what I mean?

[615] And I'm guessing that must be fun for you.

[616] It's almost like they let you off a leash after all these years and you get to really go for it.

[617] It's so cool.

[618] When I first read the first script of that, I thought it was a joke.

[619] I said, well, you can't say these things.

[620] I can't say it.

[621] I mean, it was so outrageous and graphic.

[622] And they said, no, it's DC.

[623] We can say anything.

[624] And so they just let me. be psycho.

[625] They let like this inner psycho come out and it's become this weird little phenomenon, this little show.

[626] People love it.

[627] People do love it.

[628] Not for children.

[629] Not for children.

[630] But people love it.

[631] And they actually have rules about what you can say how many times.

[632] That's correct.

[633] Yes.

[634] Yes.

[635] And feel free to say, this is a podcast.

[636] You can say whatever you want.

[637] I know.

[638] I haven't cussed today.

[639] I'm actually quite proud of myself.

[640] Well, I haven't cussed today.

[641] I cussed when my mule threw a shoe, but I haven't cussed since then.

[642] Okay, okay, so the word that we said too many times was the C word, which is such an inappropriate word.

[643] But we got this note back that you could only say it like 15 times in an episode, and we had exceeded it.

[644] And then we had also exceeded the F word.

[645] I know, this is why you cannot watch, no children can watch this show.

[646] But the F word, you can say a million times, but we got, yeah, the C word we had said too many times, we had to cut it down.

[647] But I never thought that would be a conversation that I would be having with anybody.

[648] Right.

[649] You can say the F word.

[650] Yes.

[651] 30 times, yeah.

[652] Why would you put a limit on after 30?

[653] And then there's a guy there going, still appropriate.

[654] Three more.

[655] And that's enough.

[656] That makes no sense.

[657] It's so weird.

[658] I don't understand it either.

[659] But it's been a fucking blast, let me tell you.

[660] Way fun.

[661] It would think it would be just really fun to go for it.

[662] It's just like I just literally go psychotic.

[663] And until they've never told me it's too much.

[664] and I just go bigger and bigger and bigger.

[665] Also, do you find, I find that when I'm allowed to completely let myself go in some sort of performing space, or even here on the podcast, on the rare occasions that I really let loose on a sauna or a goarly.

[666] Rare.

[667] Well, yeah.

[668] What are you talking about?

[669] I don't know, we'll find.

[670] By the hour.

[671] But, you know, I come home and all my aggressions are gone because I've...

[672] You've let it out.

[673] I let it out against these two people who are only trying to help me. Clearly, the audience is on their, side.

[674] I'm clearly just a madman.

[675] I did a, I did a, a TV show, maybe he's listening right now with Ryan Turbity.

[676] He's the, he's the host of the late show in Ireland.

[677] A late, late, late, with Ryan Turbity.

[678] And he's a lovely guy, and I just did it before you came here.

[679] I did it over Zoom, so I think it's going to be on in Ireland tonight.

[680] But he's a big fan of the podcast.

[681] And he was saying, you know, you're, I won't do an Irish accent, because he didn't really have, whenever I do an Irish accent, it's the lucky charms guy.

[682] And that is not what this man sounds like, oh, please do it.

[683] Oh, it's nice to have you on that show.

[684] Oh, it's been a long time.

[685] No, he didn't sound anything like that.

[686] He's a very intelligent and lovely man and very funny and quick -witted.

[687] But anyway, he was talking about how he's a fan of the show and he listens to it, and which I love, because he's in Ireland.

[688] And I just love when I hear that someone's listening.

[689] to it across the pond or anywhere.

[690] And he said, you know, yeah, you're really tough on sort of, you're a sociopath.

[691] He called me a sociopath.

[692] And I was thinking, well, yes, I think so.

[693] Well, we give it back to you just as much as you give it to us, but you're the one who comes off as the villain.

[694] And I think that's awesome, right now?

[695] Yeah, it's true.

[696] If you knew the things now, Matt, to his credit, Matt is a hardworking, intelligent, fine citizen off mic, okay?

[697] But Sona, Sona, and so he deserves praise, Sona gets away with murder in her professional life.

[698] Is that true?

[699] That is true.

[700] Yeah, I do.

[701] I really do.

[702] I know.

[703] Matt works hard and I...

[704] I don't know where you guys are getting this thing that I work hard.

[705] Oh, I didn't say you...

[706] Let's keep it.

[707] I didn't say you worked hard.

[708] Did I say that?

[709] I thought you did.

[710] Yeah, you did.

[711] Sona said that.

[712] No, Sona said it.

[713] I think I said you're like a good citizen and a responsible person.

[714] Sona regularly throughout our long time together now, 10 years.

[715] Oh, wow.

[716] It's been 10 years.

[717] Yeah, I'll say like, Sona, you know that medicine that I take to keep me alive?

[718] That the doctor says, I have to have that pill every day.

[719] And she's like, uh -huh.

[720] Did you get that?

[721] I asked you four times.

[722] She went, no, didn't do it.

[723] And she'll smile.

[724] She'll say, didn't do it.

[725] Yeah, I could see that.

[726] I had other things to do.

[727] I had to watch the Big Bang Theory.

[728] Oh, thank you.

[729] Oh, I just knew I loved her.

[730] Yeah, yeah.

[731] So you're a horse person.

[732] Yes.

[733] You love the horses.

[734] I love the horses.

[735] I bring this up because my wife was obsessed with horses for a while and had horses.

[736] And I never understood it.

[737] I mean, I think they're magnificent animals, but I didn't get, I didn't understand that I would go with her.

[738] Did she ride?

[739] She rode for many years, and then she decided to taper it off.

[740] Okay.

[741] I think she'd had a bad fall, and I think she got a little.

[742] rattled by it.

[743] That can happen.

[744] And the horse was rattled too.

[745] The horse decided not to be a horse anymore.

[746] Gave it up.

[747] Horse is now a large sea mammal.

[748] Wow, that's amazing.

[749] Yeah.

[750] I just love the idea of a horse getting discouraged.

[751] I know, that was scary for me too.

[752] I'm not going to be a horse anymore.

[753] I'm going to be a turtle.

[754] A sea turtle.

[755] All right.

[756] Well, that's your real out, I guess.

[757] But anyway, she doesn't do it as much, but I was amazed at how much goes into, first of all, how athletic it is.

[758] I used to, like, an idiot, think you'd get on a horse.

[759] Yeah, no. And you ride it around, but you're controlling it with your butt and your thighs.

[760] A lot of abs, a lot of leg.

[761] It's, yeah, people don't understand, even if they sit on one and walk around how sore you will be the next day.

[762] Yes.

[763] It's very, very physical.

[764] It's very physical.

[765] And also very emotional, very sensitive.

[766] You know, you, it's the only sport I feel like where you're, you're with an animal, you're one and one with this animal, and there's no phone, there's no, you have to be so present.

[767] No matter what your emotion is, they are going to feel that from you.

[768] And it's really interesting, you know.

[769] They're incredibly intuitive.

[770] Yes.

[771] And they, they understand what's happening.

[772] They really do.

[773] And they have, I was sort of interested because my wife was so into it.

[774] I tried to do it a little bit.

[775] And one of my problems is, you may not have noticed this, but I have.

[776] a disproportionate body, I've mentioned this many times before, but I have a small torso and then I have incredibly long legs.

[777] So I would sit on a horse and if the horse wasn't a really tall horse, your feet would drag on the ground.

[778] My feet would drag, practically drag along with the horse, and then the horse would be like, ooh, you look stupid.

[779] You know, I could tell the horse.

[780] He said that to you.

[781] Well, they wouldn't say that, but I could tell the horse thought I was an idiot.

[782] And I got very self -conscious about it.

[783] Because you thought the horse was making fun of you.

[784] Yeah.

[785] They were very intuitive.

[786] And I could tell the horse was talking to the other horses, too.

[787] Oh, check this guy.

[788] Yeah, for sure.

[789] They do.

[790] They are very intuitive, though.

[791] No one, they'll be like, people don't think that they have such strong personalities.

[792] But each of our horses, I mean, they're so specific.

[793] One thing likes one thing.

[794] One likes the other.

[795] I mean, when I come in, I believe that they all know it's me. My husband kind of thinks I'm crazy.

[796] I mean, even my husband's a horse guy, but I get much more emotionally attached to the horses than he does.

[797] I was amazed at how.

[798] long the pre -horse ritual.

[799] You don't just go in and jump on a horse.

[800] I see my wife go in and there'd be like 10 minutes of like first I'm gonna wipe down the horse.

[801] I'm gonna do this, then I'm gonna do that, then we'll give it some hay, then I'll give it a cheeseburger, whatever.

[802] It was a long, that's why she didn't, that's why the horse threw her by the way.

[803] Yeah, it was like, I don't, exactly.

[804] I can't digest this.

[805] I've heard there's a lot of pregame.

[806] We have a team of people that takes care of that for us.

[807] But yeah, we're really, you know, just so many people.

[808] But no, it takes a lot of work and people don't understand how much goes into it.

[809] I mean, our horses get, you're going to think this is so crazy, but they get acupuncture, they get chiropractor, they get massage, post work, ice baths, heat up their legs, all these different.

[810] It's really crazy.

[811] It's crazy.

[812] But it has to because they're athletes, like it's high performance sport and they have to take care of their bodies, we take care of their bodies like we take care of ours.

[813] I had this incident with David Letterman when he was retiring, when he was leaving CBS, he sent me a gift, and it showed up.

[814] And I've talked about this and it got a lot of attention at the time.

[815] Yeah, I've heard this.

[816] And at the time, and it was very funny.

[817] It was like kind of a prank, but I heard this big thing was coming from me. And I thought like, wow, Dave's getting me a Porsche.

[818] Like he's super rich, you know.

[819] He's David Letterman.

[820] And they were like, yeah, a big truck is bringing it on the lot.

[821] And I'm like, well, I hope it's blue because I like blue, you know.

[822] and then it's a horse.

[823] Oh my God, I heard that.

[824] And it was a horse.

[825] And what I didn't realize is like I thought he was, I thought it was a really funny joke and I took a picture of me with the horse and I sent it to him.

[826] But then no one who delivered the horse said anything to me and what they were supposed to do was like then take the horse back because it was just a joke.

[827] But I thought I was really in charge of this horse.

[828] So we like found a place for it to stay.

[829] And so I think there was a little bit of a misunderstanding there.

[830] And I think Dave was.

[831] I was like, well, I didn't mean for you to keep it.

[832] Oh, my God.

[833] Yeah, I mean, that horse, and it was just a joke, like maybe bring it out on the air or something, but I thought, well, Dave wouldn't want me to, this is a private gift between me and Dave.

[834] So I completely misunderstood.

[835] It's such a hilarious.

[836] I mean, it's hilarious.

[837] No, it was hilarious.

[838] It was absolutely hilarious.

[839] But then I was like, I've got to take care of this horse.

[840] And then I said, we can't take care of this horse.

[841] So my wife found a place, a school where they teach people to give horses massage.

[842] So we sent this horse to go live at a place where it gets massaged all day long.

[843] That is amazing.

[844] Like it's in heaven.

[845] Yeah, no, that's amazing.

[846] So...

[847] You did right by that horse.

[848] Yeah, exactly.

[849] Exactly.

[850] Right by that horse.

[851] Yeah.

[852] The horse probably thinks they're softening me up to eat me. Yeah.

[853] Yeah, they're like, this is too good to be true.

[854] We're just going to soften your muscles a little more.

[855] Oh, they did that to my friend, the veal.

[856] I love your horse voice.

[857] That's my horse voice.

[858] Yeah, it's very specific.

[859] That's also my brother Neil voice.

[860] Hey, Conan, how's going on?

[861] So let's talk about, I want to ask you about the flight attendant.

[862] I encourage you to go and look at the trailer for this because this is based on a book.

[863] Yes.

[864] And you were the one that said, I want to option this, I want to try and do this, but you hadn't read the book.

[865] Didn't read the book.

[866] No. I saw the cover.

[867] I love that.

[868] That is so something that I would do.

[869] I was like, I was so something I would.

[870] Wow.

[871] Look at that cover.

[872] She looks hot.

[873] She did.

[874] Option it is.

[875] She did.

[876] There was a girl with blonde hair.

[877] I was like, that could be me. This is going to be.

[878] This is I'm going to go for this one.

[879] And then I called.

[880] And the first thing I asked my attorney was, I said, can you just check that Reese Witherspoon didn't get these rights to this book yet?

[881] Does Reese always get there first?

[882] Yes, always.

[883] I knew it.

[884] She's got people in there getting all the books.

[885] Yeah.

[886] She bought our podcast half an hour ago.

[887] I didn't even know it.

[888] She got it for, yeah, we all worked for.

[889] Reese now.

[890] You know what?

[891] That's how good she is.

[892] And then I went downstairs to leave and she had bought my car.

[893] She bought your car.

[894] She optioned it.

[895] She bought it.

[896] She optioned your car.

[897] She's probably optioning my horses right now.

[898] Anyway, so I asked.

[899] Damn you, Reese.

[900] No, she knows what she's doing.

[901] I'm just trying to follow in her footsteps.

[902] So anyway, it turned out she didn't, which was a miracle.

[903] And I, like, fought for these rights.

[904] Oh, and by the way, my team who signed up.

[905] So you literally just saw the book cover.

[906] I saw the cover and I saw one sentence.

[907] And I said, the end.

[908] I love the way it ends.

[909] How did you think of that?

[910] The end.

[911] Well, I couldn't admit to my team that I hadn't read it yet.

[912] But I also knew that it was going to take a while to get the rights.

[913] I'm like, I'll have time to read this.

[914] But they had all said like, so you read it?

[915] Please tell me you still haven't read it.

[916] I still haven't read it.

[917] I don't know what happens in the end.

[918] I'm as excited as you are to watch it.

[919] I said the words they told me to say and made the motions they told me to make.

[920] That's exactly right.

[921] That's exactly right.

[922] So I'm very excited, just like you.

[923] I saw the trailer.

[924] It looks riveting.

[925] Anyway, I got the rights and I had read the book by that point, but my team, they kept asking like, so what's it about?

[926] Like, this is, what makes you love it so much of like, I just, I have a feeling.

[927] I have a feeling.

[928] I got this gut feeling.

[929] This is going to be it.

[930] And I really couldn't tell them anything because I hadn't read it.

[931] It's like you were faking your way in school through a book report.

[932] Oh, totally.

[933] Totally.

[934] So what made you love the book, Johnny Tremaine?

[935] Well, I just.

[936] I just had a feeling, D -minus.

[937] No, I just, that Johnny Tremaine guy, he's got a lot of pluck.

[938] What?

[939] F -plus.

[940] Exactly, exactly.

[941] So I ended up getting the rights.

[942] I obviously read the book, and I was actually relieved that I liked it, because that would have sucked if I didn't like it after all that work.

[943] It'd be so funny if you just went through airport bookstores and just randomly pointed to books that you liked and called your attorney, get me that book.

[944] You know, it shows you packaging.

[945] Packaging will win me over.

[946] So make sure your cover is good.

[947] The book you just option was Get a Better But in 40 Days.

[948] How do you see this as a dramatic role?

[949] You guys figured out.

[950] I'm not a writer.

[951] That's what I pay people for.

[952] I don't know.

[953] Figure it out.

[954] Oh shit.

[955] My character, Brianna, is worried about her buttes.

[956] It's very serious.

[957] And then is there a murder?

[958] No. She just does these exercises.

[959] Oh, my.

[960] It's so weird.

[961] I've got to have it.

[962] I must have it and I will have it.

[963] I think I would, I am not an actor, despite everyone's desperate pleading for me to get into the acting game.

[964] Have you been at a lot of people want to see you?

[965] A lot of, I just, a lot of my career has been people saying that face, that voice.

[966] Yeah.

[967] You should be on the big.

[968] I can see that.

[969] I could definitely see that.

[970] I don't understand.

[971] You're a Brando.

[972] Oh my God.

[973] Well, yes.

[974] I meant Brando much later in life.

[975] I like to eat and I wish I was on an island.

[976] People have a hard time understanding me. That's the brando that I emulate.

[977] I wear caftans around the house.

[978] I want to get some more ice cream.

[979] Does you any more ice cream?

[980] Yes.

[981] Jerry Garcia Cherry Garcia.

[982] Cheri Garcia.

[983] I want more Cherry Garcia.

[984] I want it kind of melty so it slides in.

[985] I want to have to chew it.

[986] So anyway, and then the horse comes in.

[987] Yeah, there's the horse again.

[988] There's the horse.

[989] As long as he doesn't ride me, I'm happy.

[990] The horse had to come back in.

[991] I really believe the horse had to make another appearance.

[992] I also did a very smart thing a long time ago when it comes to like paparazzi or gossip columns is I am so uninteresting to them.

[993] And this was my strategy.

[994] I just seem they're not sure.

[995] There's no sexual heat coming off of me. There's, there's, I'm never, whenever there's like a shot of me, it's like, look at him.

[996] He's getting his cholesterol lowering medication.

[997] And now he's getting into his reasonable car and driving reasonably back to his home.

[998] where he will take the cholesterol lowering medication.

[999] That's holy.

[1000] You know, yeah.

[1001] But, you know, that's, and you know what?

[1002] That turned out to be brilliant, because I'm one of those guys where paparazzi can have the camera around their neck and they see me walking by.

[1003] And all they have to do, it's digital.

[1004] So they don't even have, all they have to do is raise it and push the button.

[1005] And I can see them trying to make the decision and going, I think it's okay.

[1006] And I'm like, hi.

[1007] There's the horse again.

[1008] I'm with the horse at the time.

[1009] You are.

[1010] The horse is taking pictures of me, but not you.

[1011] But you're on television.

[1012] Yeah.

[1013] Oh, my God.

[1014] Well, this has been an absolute delight.

[1015] Oh, my God.

[1016] My face hurts for you're going to have to go pay my doctor for more Botox after all this.

[1017] I'll pay him.

[1018] You owe him.

[1019] No, this is running into, I don't want to run into creep territory.

[1020] Where people listening to it are like, are, saying, you know, I listen to this podcast, and he's talking to Galey a lot longer than he's talked to anybody else.

[1021] This was like such a dream to come here.

[1022] I really hope you know that.

[1023] It was on my bucket list, and I wanted to go on for you.

[1024] I've listened to every episode.

[1025] I think you're brilliant, and I think you are so warm, and you make people feel so at home, and you're just so down to earth.

[1026] I just think you're awesome.

[1027] Your whole team is.

[1028] Thank you very much.

[1029] And I do.

[1030] I was talking to Sona.

[1031] I knew it.

[1032] You're going to read in the trades tomorrow.

[1033] You're going to read her.

[1034] Sona Monsessian, fired.

[1035] I was going to say, you're going to murder me. You could come work with me. It's okay.

[1036] That's right.

[1037] You should do a buddy comedy with Sona.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] I love it.

[1040] Yeah.

[1041] Just do a buddy comedy.

[1042] Or you know what?

[1043] You can find a part for her.

[1044] I'm going to.

[1045] She's the, she's the kooky, kind of unreliable, Armenian friend.

[1046] Oh, I don't even, I don't have to act, which is good.

[1047] It writes itself.

[1048] Yeah.

[1049] It writes itself.

[1050] And I think Matt would be a good guy to come in every now and say, all right, kids, turn in.

[1051] What?

[1052] Matt, does anyone tell you you look like Joaquin Phoenix?

[1053] I got that once or twice.

[1054] Really?

[1055] Yeah.

[1056] Yeah, I see it.

[1057] I kind of see it.

[1058] Just in this, from here, maybe, I don't know.

[1059] Are we talking Joker Joaquin Phoenix or Master Joaquin?

[1060] Normal, sexy Joaquin Phoenix.

[1061] Oh, okay.

[1062] There you go.

[1063] Hey, you know what, Kaylee, take us away from her please.

[1064] Just take me and Sona with you.

[1065] Help us.

[1066] This is a devastating day for me. in your whole team with me. I was, I feel.

[1067] They now work with Kaylee Cuoco.

[1068] I'm so embittered by this podcast today.

[1069] I'm not.

[1070] Not me neither.

[1071] I love it.

[1072] Okay.

[1073] This is one of my favorite.

[1074] Well, I guess Conan O 'Brien didn't find a friend today.

[1075] But Sona did.

[1076] And Matt Gourley did.

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] Change the title.

[1079] Yes.

[1080] Well, God bless you, Kaylee Quoco.

[1081] You are a life force and a delight and genuinely nice person.

[1082] And I wish you all good things.

[1083] and come on back, too.

[1084] I would love to come back.

[1085] This was an absolute dream.

[1086] Thank you for having me. I had an experience recently.

[1087] Maybe I shouldn't talk about this, but it did happen in my life, which is my wife, Liza.

[1088] You know, she likes to try these health things out once in a while.

[1089] She's very healthy.

[1090] She's very healthy.

[1091] And she heard about this diet.

[1092] Not a diet.

[1093] It's a system you can get.

[1094] It's five days and you buy it.

[1095] And they say it's medically approved.

[1096] And she read all these articles.

[1097] about it that were very complimentary.

[1098] I won't mention the product's name because this is not an ad in any way, but said, yeah, it's sort of a five -day program that mimics fasting, like you haven't eaten for five days.

[1099] And each day you get a packet of food that you eat.

[1100] And the idea is that it gives you enough so that it's safe and it's healthy.

[1101] And it's not even so much for weight loss.

[1102] It's just supposed to like regenerate yourselves, whatever.

[1103] She was going to do this.

[1104] And I don't know, I think it's maybe COVID and just me at home.

[1105] home and saying, you know what, let's, I'm me too.

[1106] I just said me too.

[1107] You did it.

[1108] I did it.

[1109] So I said, I want to do this too.

[1110] And she said, really?

[1111] And I said, yeah, if you're doing it, I'm going to do it.

[1112] We'll do it together.

[1113] So we each got these boxes of food that was supposed to last us one for each day.

[1114] It was five days.

[1115] It was not a lot.

[1116] It was not a lot.

[1117] It was not a lot.

[1118] Now, it was scientific.

[1119] It was safe.

[1120] But it was not a lot.

[1121] It was very little food.

[1122] And so it was like a little bar you could have in the morning that was like 180 calories.

[1123] And then lunch was 110 calorie dehydrated soup.

[1124] And then maybe you can have some olives an hour later.

[1125] And it was all in this little package.

[1126] And that's all you get.

[1127] Now, I at first am attracted to that because I don't like thinking.

[1128] I'm just not a fan of thinking.

[1129] It's nice that it's all outlined for you.

[1130] But I started to get so hungry.

[1131] So day one, I'm cocky.

[1132] I'm like, I got this.

[1133] Day two, I'm still kind of cocky.

[1134] Day three, I can tell my body is now digesting heart muscle that I have.

[1135] And I start to get all spacey and my wife gets spacey and we can't even have a conversation.

[1136] She'll say things like, do you think our son should go to camp this summer?

[1137] And I'd say, what?

[1138] And listen, I was mostly fine.

[1139] And this, I do want to stress again, this is healthy and I'm exaggerating a little bit.

[1140] Were you upset and irritable?

[1141] I was cranky.

[1142] I'm later told by our booker Paula.

[1143] She said, I talked to you on the phone and you were really cranky.

[1144] And I was like, well, I'm kind of dicky all the time, Arnie.

[1145] And she was like, this time it was more.

[1146] And I said, that's because I'm fasting.

[1147] She's like, I can tell.

[1148] I could tell.

[1149] It's hard to tell when you're being extra dicky.

[1150] Oh, that's nice.

[1151] So anyway, and it says that on the box may cause extra dickishness.

[1152] And it says on the box may cause Conan levels of dickishness.

[1153] It says that on the box and there's a picture of me, which I didn't even license.

[1154] I didn't license.

[1155] Are you punching someone?

[1156] No, I'm just like, I'm looking real, I'm just real, giving that little, and I've got that eye vein popping, and I'm just looking like a real prick.

[1157] And I didn't license that.

[1158] I could probably sue, but I'm too weak from the fast to sue them.

[1159] But anyway, so we do this thing, and yesterday is the last day.

[1160] So I go downstairs to this little room we have, this little guest room, and there's a TV in there, and I turn on the TV, and I'm flipping around on Apple TV, and Apple movies, and I see this great movie that I've wanted to rewatch for years called Papillon.

[1161] You ever heard of Papillon?

[1162] I've heard of it.

[1163] I've never seen it.

[1164] Fantastic movie, and it's got Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman, and it's this classic tale of these two guys who were sent to a French penal colony in Guyana in like the 1930s, and I'm watching this movie, and there's these iconic scenes.

[1165] It's a very famous movie.

[1166] This happened yesterday where Steve McQueen is caught trying to escape, so they throw him into solitary confinement for two years in a dark room and they put him on half rations because he won't give up the name of the person who helped him try and escape.

[1167] He won't give up the name so they put him on half rations.

[1168] So he's starving to death and there's this really famous scene where Steve McQueen's in there and his hands are shaking and all you can see is there's a tiny little shaft of light and you see this little bug, this roach or centipede go by and his little skinny hands reach over and grab it.

[1169] And this, but the centipede's getting away And he tries again to grab it Because he wants to eat it And I'm in the room watching TV And I'm like, get it, get it!

[1170] Wait, got to get it!

[1171] You've got to get the centipede Because I would at that moment have eaten the centipede Wait, you're comparing yourself To a man?

[1172] To a man in solitary confinement What I'm saying is that I got to the same level Of desperation.

[1173] Steve McQueen's character, Papillon, was put in, on Devil's Island in a closed dark room for two years and given just a little bit of broth that maybe had been shown a piece of beef but not actually the beef and the broth never touched and he's dying and I'm there like, yeah, me too.

[1174] I'm here in West L .A. In my nice house, denying myself food because someone said it will regenerate self.

[1175] It'll help.

[1176] It may increase longevity.

[1177] If I don't get hit by a bus, which I will.

[1178] So, you know, I'm going to die in a year anyway because I'm going to do something stupid, like take a transistor radio into the bathtub.

[1179] Oh, my God.

[1180] You know, anyway, it was just so ridiculous, but I was like, yeah, I know what's going on, man. Get that centipede because I'm right there with you, Steve McQueen.

[1181] Yeah, but it's not the same at all.

[1182] It is the same.

[1183] Okay.

[1184] I know what it's like.

[1185] I, look, a lot of people out there sometimes think I'm one of those celebrities that's lost touch.

[1186] But let's set the record straight.

[1187] I just did five days of a medically approved fast that came with lots of packets that I ate in various pills and soups.

[1188] So I know what it's like to suffer.

[1189] Were you smelling food?

[1190] What's that?

[1191] Like when I did lent and I gave up chocolate, I would go to the pantry and smell the chocolate, just smell it.

[1192] My old writing partner, Greg Daniels, he's going to be mad that I'm revealing this, but he tried to give up sugar completely for a while, and he loved sweets, and he gave it up for a really long time, and he used to go out and buy pies, and buy the pie, and then he'd just stick his nose into the pie and smell it, and smell the pie for a while, and then put the pie back down and not eat the pie.

[1193] I'm sorry, Greg, if you didn't want people to know that.

[1194] I know.

[1195] This guy has gone on to create, he created, you know, know, the American office and parks and, he's a genius, king of the hill, king of the hill, he's a genius comedy writer, but he was buying pies, taking them out and sticking his face in them and smelling them.

[1196] You know what's crazy?

[1197] I remember I did this when I was a kid.

[1198] My brother Luke, every week new comic books would come out and he'd go and he'd get comic books and buy them and he had the kind he liked and I liked, he would buy them and he would read them and enjoy them.

[1199] I would buy them.

[1200] I remember doing this for a whole summer and then put them up in my room in a drawer and not read it and say, I'm going to read this at the end of the summer.

[1201] I'm going to read them all at once and it's going to be glorious.

[1202] And I kept, because something's wrong with me, so I kept not reading my comic books.

[1203] I was like nine years old and I just kept putting them in a drawer and denying myself the comic books.

[1204] And then it got really late in the summer and it was time to go back to school.

[1205] And I was like, wait, I didn't read the comic books.

[1206] It's time to go read them all at once in One Glorious.

[1207] But then my mother was like, we gotta get going.

[1208] Come on.

[1209] Which one are you?

[1210] I said third from the top, fourth from the bottom.

[1211] What?

[1212] Are you Kate?

[1213] No, I'm Conan.

[1214] Hey, you all look alike.

[1215] Get in the car.

[1216] We're out of here.

[1217] Mom, you're not from Ireland.

[1218] We've been in this country for a couple hundred years.

[1219] Get in the car, you're fecking idiot.

[1220] Get in the car.

[1221] You'll read your comic.

[1222] Why didn't you read them?

[1223] I didn't charide them all over the summer as they came out like your brother did.

[1224] I can't remember his name.

[1225] Well, because I wanted to save it in a Catholic way.

[1226] Deny myself.

[1227] You're a fucking idiot.

[1228] We didn't come all the way from Ireland at a little boat.

[1229] Mom, we were all born here.

[1230] You grew up in Worcester.

[1231] You went to Yale law school.

[1232] I never went to fucking Yale law school.

[1233] I don't know why she wore an eye patch and she had a parrot on her shoulder.

[1234] What?

[1235] True story.

[1236] So she was a pirate too?

[1237] Yeah, pirate too.

[1238] Yes, hail this heavens.

[1239] He's.

[1240] Oh, man. Anyway, true story.

[1241] One on a fast, mother a pirate, Greg Daniels, genius comedy writer, but pie smeller.

[1242] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam Obsessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1243] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1244] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1245] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1246] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1247] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1248] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1249] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1250] Got a question for Conan?

[1251] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1252] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1253] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded this has been a team cocoa production in association with earwolf