Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums 3

[0] is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, tell that we are going to be friends.

[1] Give it the official title.

[2] Hey, welcome to another summer mini episode of what I guess we're calling, Summer Smoors, with Conan and the chill chums.

[3] Yes.

[4] We came up with that title because I think we were kidding around and decided it's the worst title possible and now it's the actual title of the podcast.

[5] These are just little fun, mini episodes.

[6] I don't know, try and brighten up your summer a little bit and we hope you enjoy what's going on.

[7] I'm enjoying doing these.

[8] It's fun.

[9] I'm having a good time.

[10] Gourley, how are you doing?

[11] It's nice to see you guys here as a chill chum.

[12] as a registered member of the Chilchum.

[13] It's good to be checking.

[14] Yeah, you're a Chilchum now.

[15] Now, Sona, I understand you're not feeling 100 % today what's going on.

[16] Oh, I'm a mess.

[17] I'm an absolute mess.

[18] What happened?

[19] Last night, you know, I was talking to, you know them.

[20] I was talking to Erica, Lindsay, and Megan.

[21] Three of my really good pals, we were talking on this app called House Party where you play games.

[22] And we decided we'd do trivia.

[23] And every time you got an answer wrong, you would take a drink.

[24] And I haven't been drinking pretty much at all this whole time.

[25] And I was like, I'm going to make a screwdriver and drink it.

[26] every time I get an answer wrong.

[27] And then we purposely were doing trivia that was really hard to answer.

[28] And I got absolutely wasted last night.

[29] And this morning I woke up on vodka.

[30] On vodka.

[31] And I got really drunk.

[32] And then this morning I woke up.

[33] I was hung over.

[34] And then I had coffee, which I don't drink.

[35] So I'm a mixture of being hungover.

[36] And I'm shaking.

[37] And I am sweating.

[38] And I have shortness of breath.

[39] And I want to go.

[40] vomit honestly um how's everyone how's everyone enjoying the podcast what far what a nice cool summer break as sona describes uh the nausea that accompanies being hung over can we do anything for you right now you are you hydrating you got to hydrate yeah i got a whole giant bottle of water but it's i just i used to get crunk all the time and i just stopped for a really long time and And I, it was a feeling last night where I was like, this is strange yet very familiar.

[41] I don't miss this.

[42] And, yeah, I feel like garbage.

[43] But let's, let's do this.

[44] No, you used to tear it up in the day.

[45] Yeah, I did.

[46] You know, you partied hard.

[47] For many of the years that we've worked together, I've seen you party very, very hard.

[48] You took no prisoners.

[49] You, the son of old.

[50] You are now, you're a married woman, a responsible member of the Altadena community.

[51] But back in the day, you were out of control.

[52] Yeah, I was.

[53] I was.

[54] I was.

[55] I had fun.

[56] I feel like you had, you had contempt for me sometimes when I would have a good time.

[57] I was resentful.

[58] I was resentful that you were having so much fun.

[59] I was never allowed to have fun.

[60] Even when you were an adult and you could make your own decisions?

[61] You know, it's fun.

[62] No, I did not allow myself too much of that.

[63] I was a man on a mission.

[64] I knew that I had to one day wait for podcasts to be invented and then have one.

[65] And I had to work furiously behind the scenes to get myself in the correct position.

[66] That's been, that's my whole life.

[67] Well, mission accomplished now you can chill.

[68] You think so, but no. Now I'm just looking around thinking, how could it be better?

[69] Oh, man. It can't be better.

[70] You're doing a podcast called Summer Smoors.

[71] and the chill chums.

[72] Yeah.

[73] That's like, that's peak podcasting.

[74] He'll say it's summer smores with Conan and the chill chums.

[75] Oh, right.

[76] Yeah.

[77] And that's the actual name of it.

[78] I think you two are the chill chums.

[79] We are the chill chums.

[80] Right.

[81] Yeah.

[82] I don't want to be a chill chum.

[83] Yeah, you do.

[84] I'm a grown man. No, you want to be a chill chum.

[85] You're just angry.

[86] You can't be a chill chilt chum.

[87] It's pretty good over there.

[88] I did.

[89] I will admit, Sona, that there was a period of time where I resented you when you were having so much fun all the time and just, you know, just enjoying everything in life and I didn't understand how you did.

[90] I didn't understand how someone could have that much enjoyment.

[91] And so it's good.

[92] This is therapeutic.

[93] Okay.

[94] I see now why I spent so much time loathing.

[95] Oh, that's good.

[96] I didn't know you loathed me, but that's a fun new thing that I learned today.

[97] Loathe and love are both similar, words, I think they can be part of the same.

[98] No. Chesson.

[99] What?

[100] What?

[101] Okay.

[102] All this has to come back here.

[103] It's so stupid.

[104] We should just not talk about me being hungover at all.

[105] I mean.

[106] It's hungover.

[107] It's soft G. No, a soft G would be hunch over.

[108] Yeah.

[109] Okay.

[110] Well, how about a silent G?

[111] Every time you correct me with my Gs, it infuriates me. It's hungover.

[112] There is a G in it, and I'm pronouncing the G in it.

[113] It hungover.

[114] Hungover.

[115] Hungover.

[116] I can't do this.

[117] Hungover.

[118] You know what?

[119] You are hungover and I'm badgering you about the way you're pronouncing hungover.

[120] And it's making you probably feel more hungover.

[121] Isn't that clever?

[122] Hello?

[123] Anybody there?

[124] She left.

[125] She crawled out the window.

[126] Let's talk about, you know, the point of these episodes, these many.

[127] Yeah, what is the point?

[128] chill jumps summer summer memories memories of summer we all have them I have a funny memory you want to hear my funny memory sounds like you're just killing time well for a podcast it doesn't even need to happen I know badgered into a podcast that officially doesn't need to exist and I'm killing time I was headed off to camp.

[129] I went to camp for a bunch of summers and I would go to Freedom, New Hampshire, for a couple of years.

[130] And then I went to one that was in Maine because my brother Luke wanted to try that camp.

[131] So I went there.

[132] I had more of a, I'm going to say, a military flair to it.

[133] We had to wear uniforms.

[134] Yeah.

[135] And I went from being in this incredibly like, yeah, you just wear cut off shorts camp, which was Cragut Mountain Farm.

[136] And then I was sent to this other camp.

[137] and I didn't even know this was the deal.

[138] I just sort of got talked into it by my brother Luke and I went there and I only went there one summer because it was mandatory that you had to wear these pants that I swear to God looked like we were cadets.

[139] Are you sure you weren't just in the ROTC?

[140] What was it called?

[141] There was a lot of drilling with rifles.

[142] Taps.

[143] We did attack several villages.

[144] No, we were, we wore, there was a gray pants with a stripe down the side.

[145] I'll never forget that, yes.

[146] And I was, I remember just being like, what, what is this?

[147] And they said, here's your uniform.

[148] I was like, uniform.

[149] So I was not cool with that.

[150] But here's the point of this story.

[151] Just before I went to camp, my mother said, oh, you're going to need a belt buckle.

[152] Because I think my belt buckle broke or I lost it.

[153] So she said, here, I bought you a belt buckle.

[154] And it was a belt buckle that was a Levi -Strauss belt buckle, like, you know.

[155] And it was really big.

[156] It was a big rectangle that was a big piece of metal that was a rectangle and it said Levi Strauss and company and it had like their logo on it and she gave it to me as I was like getting on the bus to go up to this camp so I just took it with me and I put it on and I was at a we had to go to a dance one night and I was embarrassed by this big belt buckle but I needed to wear a belt because the pants didn't fit I was super skinny so I was wearing this giant belt buckle and this kid was from another camp was bullying a friend of mine and I thought I better go over there and see if I can help out so I went over there and I said hey to this kid why don't you leave him alone and the kid was like why don't you mind your own business and I said oh this is my friend you should probably leave him alone he said hey man mind your own business and he punched me in the stomach and hit the belt oh shit and doubled over like ah fuck fuck and he doubled over and people were looking at me like Jesus, who's that kid?

[157] And he just hit the belt buckle.

[158] I didn't do anything.

[159] I'm a terrible fighter.

[160] I've never been a fighter.

[161] I can't fight for, you know, but he hit the belt buckle and went, ah, fuck.

[162] And people were like, what?

[163] And suddenly there was like, you about that guy over there?

[164] Old iron gut, O 'Brien.

[165] That's a true story.

[166] I think that was really nice of you to up for that kid.

[167] I remember, you know, I was not a, I don't think I was a brave person particularly or anything.

[168] I just remember in that moment thinking I should stick up for this kid.

[169] So what happened to you because you're all bully now?

[170] Yeah.

[171] How did the rules change?

[172] Yeah.

[173] Well, the boy who's bullied becomes the bully.

[174] And so the minute that bully hit me, I knew, ah, I can either do two things.

[175] I could go through life wearing a giant belt buckle, or I myself could be the one.

[176] throwing fists around.

[177] I decided on the latter course.

[178] That's good.

[179] And that made me the horrible man I am today.

[180] That was cool.

[181] You should tell your mom that happened.

[182] Yeah, why would you?

[183] Yeah, I don't want to encourage her too much.

[184] She'd be like, which one are you?

[185] I'd say I'm the third one.

[186] The one with the red hair.

[187] Oh, yes, yes.

[188] She literally would do the thing.

[189] There were so many of us that when she would get mad.

[190] Mad, she would run through the Rolodex of all the names.

[191] She would.

[192] She'd be really mad.

[193] She'd be like, Pio, Luke, Justin, to Kate, Conan, she'd finally come up with me. I'm surprised she didn't just start rattling off presidents, too.

[194] You know, Garfield.

[195] Harding.

[196] Pierce.

[197] Donan.

[198] Just ridiculous.

[199] We had a president named Pierce?

[200] Yes, we did.

[201] Oh, okay.

[202] Cool.

[203] And guess what, Sona?

[204] He was only three presidents ago.

[205] Oh.

[206] It was Pierce Brosnan.

[207] Yeah.

[208] Pierce Broson was president from 1988 to 1992.

[209] He quit the presidency to do Golden Eye.

[210] Yeah.

[211] Which, by the way, is the best reason to leave the president.

[212] I mean, I'm all for it.

[213] I resign.

[214] Wouldn't that be great if Nixon resigned because he was taking a movie role?

[215] I wish to announce that I, effective noon today.

[216] I am resigning the presidency of United States so that I can star in Herbie the love for.

[217] Oh, how much better the world would have been in every way if that happened?

[218] It's a Disney vehicle.

[219] It's going to be available.

[220] In about six months, it'll be in theaters nationwide.

[221] So I will be leaving now with my wife, And Ford will become president so that I can start learning my part.

[222] as chas in her book and the love one.

[223] I would love that.

[224] I would love to see him act.

[225] Different.

[226] If there are, you know the way they always posit that there are different, yeah, wouldn't it be great?

[227] There was, I remember Robert Smigel and I when we were writers at Starnat Live, it was after Reagan had, his second term was up and he left.

[228] And I don't know if anybody remembers this, but there was these brief rumors.

[229] It's before, it was like two years or so or three years before it was revealed that Reagan was ill and had dementia and there was this period of time where he resigned he was very popular and he left the presidency and there was like a a two or three year period where people were speculating that Reagan might return to film does anybody remember that?

[230] I remember there were a little and I was a writer at Sarnat Live and Robert and I started speculating about what if he took a part?

[231] you know and he was just so revered but what if Reagan took apart like in so he leaves the presidency in 88 and what if like he came out in a movie in 1989 but he just took a role that was way beneath him and it was like he's this like cowardly drug addict and we were just imagining Reagan like on the phone you know saying like ratting out some people and a really cowardly way and he's like in a phone booth saying like that's right that's right yes yes well yeah well well that's the way yes you make sure those are the ones that did it and i don't use my name don't use my name and just then you see shadows fall over him because the mob is caught up with him and he's like oh god don't kill me oh god and he's begging for his life in a cowardly unseemly way he's the guy the hard -boiled detective goes to slap around and get street information from right yes and then they They beat the shit out of Reagan and they were like hitting him with trash cans and stuff.

[232] And then, you know, it's this role where you're like, why?

[233] Ronald Reagan, why did you take that part?

[234] I don't know.

[235] I shouldn't have, you know.

[236] I needed the SAG insurance.

[237] He just took a part without really reading it and it's just.

[238] And then instead of using a body double, they're really kicking the shit out of them.

[239] Oh, my God.

[240] Effective.

[241] Today, I will resign the presidency so that I can join Ronald Reagan in the Disney production of Return to Witch Mountain.

[242] Ford will now become president as Reagan and I embark on our journey.

[243] I'm just fantasizing about all the roles Nixon could resign the presidency for.

[244] So Pierce.

[245] So you didn't know there was a, yeah, there was a President Pierce.

[246] Yeah.

[247] Should I have known him?

[248] Nah.

[249] You can let him go.

[250] Did you know him, Gorles?

[251] He could let Pierce go.

[252] I knew the name I don't know anything about him.

[253] Franklin Pierce, right?

[254] Yep, Franklin Pierce.

[255] Oh, cool.

[256] When was that?

[257] Wow.

[258] Geez, when's Franklin Pierce?

[259] He's one of those nondescript.

[260] What is Franklin Pierce's 19th century?

[261] I'm going to say early to mid -19th century.

[262] I'm going to guess, what is he, 1830s?

[263] Franklin Pierce was the 14th president of the United States.

[264] This is all.

[265] the top of my head, by the way.

[266] A Northern Democrat who saw the abolitionist movement as a fundamental threat to the unity of the nation.

[267] Oh, sounds like a great guy.

[268] Great guy.

[269] Yeah, that's why we don't remember his name.

[270] Probably best.

[271] You know what's wrong with this country?

[272] Abolitionism.

[273] That's the problem with America.

[274] Jesus.

[275] And I'm going to stake my name on it.

[276] And then resign to go be in birth of a nation.

[277] I, Franklin Pierce, resign the presidency.

[278] Why does my Franklin Pierce sound?

[279] I don't know.

[280] I, Franklin Pierce, resign the presidency.

[281] Do you know that I did, my first play I was ever in was in the theater that Nixon did his first and only play where he met Pat Nixon?

[282] Oh, Whittier.

[283] Whittier.

[284] That's right, it was a production of rent, wasn't it?

[285] Would it be great if it was this incredibly progressive play?

[286] Angels in America.

[287] Yeah.

[288] Hair.

[289] You know.

[290] Hair, he's nude.

[291] He's new to be in with Pat.

[292] All we need is hair, long, beautiful hair.

[293] This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

[294] Today, I am resigning the presidency, effective at noon, so that I may leave my position as commander -in -chief and join a production of Traveling Projection of Care.

[295] Not even the Broadway production.

[296] Regional theater.

[297] I have to learn the lyrics and the choreography to Age of Aquarius.

[298] I will be nude in this production.

[299] My friend Billy Graham is advised against it, but I feel that this is my truth and I need to live it.

[300] So I'm going to go have a toke and then my old lady and I are going to bag it and I'll see you out there.

[301] I'm going to let little Dick flapping the breeze.

[302] Little Dick Nixon, flapping the breeze as I, sing the age of Aquarius.

[303] 525 ,600 million minutes.

[304] Oh, my God.

[305] Jesus.

[306] It's a very progressive play that I'm in.

[307] I will be playing a homosexual.

[308] Oh, my God.

[309] who's struggling.

[310] And I know that there are some people in my cabinet who feel resigning the presidency to play a homosexual.

[311] It's a strange left turn for me at this point in my career.

[312] But I believe.

[313] Oh, my God.

[314] Oh, my God.

[315] All I'm going to be doing, all I'm going to be lying in bed on my, and this is actually going to be happening.

[316] My wife flies is going to be in the bed trying to go to sleep and I'm always up later.

[317] I'm going to be brushing my teeth in the bathroom and I'm going to spit and I'm going to start doing this into the mirror.

[318] Affractive noon today.

[319] I'm, and she'll be like, what are you doing?

[320] Because she hears me doing bits into the mirror and she'll be like, what are you doing?

[321] And she's had other people say what's going on in there?

[322] Like, not that we have other people joining us in the bedroom, but like she'll hear, oh, you know, if other people are around the house or guests something so sometimes here people will be like is he talking to someone she's like oh it's a whole party in there and she just rolls her eyes a whole party in there with that guy oh lisa's a saint no he's yeah she is a saint i do love my wife i'll say that i might be a bully and i may be resigning the presidency oh my god at noon today you even have your hair slick back like nixon right now well i took a shower you know my hair because of uh covid and everything i just haven't been cutting it, and it's so long now that I keep wetting it and slicking it back to just keep it out of my face.

[323] Because I look like, I look like Sean Cassidy.

[324] I know.

[325] Mine too.

[326] I feel like, look at this mop.

[327] Oh, my goodness.

[328] Oh, look at you.

[329] My God.

[330] I feel like a poor man's Hitler or something.

[331] A poor man's Hitler.

[332] That's sad.

[333] You're not even, what?

[334] Is there a good Hitler?

[335] Good point.

[336] I'm a poor man's Hitler.

[337] Not up to the old Hitler standards of sanity.

[338] Oh, my best day, I'm just a Mussolini.

[339] Yeah, my best day.

[340] Yeah, never get up quite up there.

[341] All right, well, listen, I hope that you've enjoyed this special edition of, what is it called, Summer Smores, with Conan and the Chilchamps.

[342] All right, we'll see you next time.

[343] Effective loom today.

[344] I can't stop.

[345] I got to stop.

[346] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[347] With Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[348] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[349] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[350] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[351] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[352] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[353] The show is engineered by Will Bechton.

[354] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcast.

[355] podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[356] Got a question for Conan?

[357] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[358] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[359] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[360] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.