Kumail Nanjiani

[0] Hi, my name is Kamel Nanjiani.

[1] And I feel apologetic about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Well, he's here, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Well, hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[6] This is the penile.

[7] The penultimate episode of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend of the season.

[8] Not the show.

[9] Not the show.

[10] We are coming back the penultimate episode, not the final.

[11] I love using that word.

[12] I don't get to use it much.

[13] Do you ever use anti -penultimate?

[14] No, what is anti -penultimate?

[15] That's like third to last.

[16] Third to last?

[17] Yeah.

[18] Oh, you'd think it'd be the opposite of, that doesn't make sense.

[19] So the third from last is the anti -penultimate.

[20] Yeah.

[21] That's stupid.

[22] Remind me never to take a long road trip with you.

[23] I think I'd strangle you.

[24] no danger of that.

[25] Just you and I, there's 80 miles of desert and you and I driving in the night and you'd like...

[26] They would just find my body and dusty body on the side of a road.

[27] No, no, no, no. Trust me. Gourley, they would not find your body.

[28] They'd find a coyote years later wearing your glasses.

[29] Let me, let me, this is our second to last, second to last episode, uh, something's a little bit different today, which is no Sonam obsession today.

[30] Yeah, it feels off.

[31] Yeah.

[32] It feels, it's not quite the same because there isn't someone here with a ton of hair.

[33] Yeah.

[34] Just a massive giant pile of dark hair who's laughing.

[35] Right.

[36] Which always adds something to the podcast.

[37] And also periodically jumping in to shit all over me. I'm uncomfortable without her here.

[38] Like, just talking to you one -on -one makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

[39] Why are you uncomfortable?

[40] I don't know, you just, uh...

[41] Those, those eyes that have such keen intelligence staring at you?

[42] No, it's the look of a madman.

[43] Some say madman, some say look of keen intelligence.

[44] Tomato, tomato.

[45] Okay.

[46] We do have sitting in for us is Jack of All Trades, Jen Samples.

[47] Hey, Jen.

[48] Hi.

[49] How are you?

[50] Good, how are you?

[51] Describe what you do at the show, and I just mean that for the viewers and also because I don't know.

[52] Well, I basically researched the guests.

[53] I know.

[54] You do a lot of research on the guests.

[55] Yes.

[56] Well, you do a great job.

[57] I do have a complaint to lodge.

[58] Okay.

[59] Let me talk about this.

[60] I get this sheet that is, you know, it's just some facts about the guest.

[61] And I have to say, I rarely look down at the sheet because most of the people I'm talking to, I'm a fan, I have things that naturally pop up.

[62] The font.

[63] Now, I know this is a podcast and you can't picture it, but imagine the smallest type you've ever seen.

[64] You know, in the Guinness Book of World Records, someone once put the entire, New Testament on the head of a pin using like a sophisticated laser and so if you look through a powerful electronic microscope you can read it that's the font that I have in front of me. This is not Jen's fault I was going to say I was immediately going to throw gorely under the bus here.

[65] Wait, wait, okay well this is tough because first of all the font is not the font size.

[66] The font is Cambria and I don't think you've got any complaints with that.

[67] It's a beautiful font.

[68] The size.

[69] I have to fit all of this under one page.

[70] Can I keep a...

[71] Can I keep a baseball bat in here?

[72] I don't mean a big bat, like a stickball bat.

[73] More of a, more of a dowel, a heavy dowel that's long.

[74] And when you start saying, well, first of all, not the font, it refers to, and you wouldn't even get to the minute you said Cambria, it would be a series of high arcing wax.

[75] Sort of like when medieval puppets, one hits the other puppet.

[76] Punch and Judy.

[77] Punch and Judy.

[78] Yeah, I know, I'm setting you up.

[79] I know what I'm in for.

[80] I don't give a damn anymore.

[81] Okay, but he changed, I sent to Gourley, he changes the font, and I would like to point out on this sheet there is still space, so he could have made it a little bigger.

[82] Yeah, there's a whole sheet.

[83] You really are throwing me over the bus.

[84] And first of all, I am stunned because Jen seems like a very sweet person.

[85] Yeah, I've got different thought.

[86] And that was intense, Jen.

[87] I mean, first of all, your first time on Mike, and you completely reach across the table like a rabid animal I do support his decision for Cambria font.

[88] I think that's a great choice.

[89] Yeah, yeah, really good choice.

[90] A lot of callers calling in right now, and we're getting a lot of support for Cambria.

[91] Yeah.

[92] A lot of support in the Midwest.

[93] Let's go to the board.

[94] Cambria's ahead.

[95] Palatino with a close second.

[96] Yeah.

[97] But let me say something, that that's an 11 -sized font because when I go to 12, it knocks it into two pages and you requested one page.

[98] I'm not sure I ever did.

[99] You keep saying that I requested one page.

[100] I don't know.

[101] You're a strange man. This is a second to last episode.

[102] Second to last.

[103] Yes.

[104] Penultimate episode.

[105] An ultimate episode to freedom.

[106] Anyway, but you know, Gourley, may I call you Gourley?

[107] No. I think we have an interesting dynamic here on the podcast, and it's interesting to notice it when Sony isn't here.

[108] We can talk about her because she's not here.

[109] But as you noted, the BBC did a story on the podcast, and they said that they cast you while this person gave a very thoughtful analysis of our podcast.

[110] Yeah.

[111] And what do they say, Groley?

[112] They said that you are the...

[113] I remember correctly.

[114] He thought at first you were kind of like the paternal figure and we were the children, but the more they listened, they realized I was the father, son, I was the mother and you were like the wayward child.

[115] Right.

[116] Yeah.

[117] Yeah.

[118] It's not the way I see it.

[119] Yeah, I think that's pretty accurate, I think.

[120] You think I'm the child?

[121] Yeah, I do.

[122] But a child, like a Twilight Zone child who has power...

[123] You can wish us away to the cornfield.

[124] Yes, who can control the parents with his mind.

[125] We should get to this show.

[126] You think we should get to the show?

[127] I think it's time to get to the show.

[128] Do we have enough good stuff that we can use, that we can get to the show now?

[129] Yeah.

[130] You think so?

[131] Wow, you've got a low bar.

[132] Is that your nickname?

[133] You should see what I'm dealing with.

[134] Oh, my God.

[135] You're going to miss me. When this thing takes its a hiatus, you're going to miss me. This is our last recording session, even though it's not the last episode.

[136] And you and I will say goodbye for a couple months.

[137] The way Let It Be was the final album, but not the last one recorded.

[138] Abby Road.

[139] Look at, God, you'd almost think we had something in common.

[140] Nope.

[141] We don't.

[142] My guest today is a very funny comedian, actor, and writer.

[143] He co -wrote and produced the Oscar -nominated film The Big Sick.

[144] Currently stars in the hit HBO series Silicon Valley.

[145] You can also see him in the brand -new movie, Stuber.

[146] We are very excited he's here with us.

[147] I'm a huge fan.

[148] Kumail.

[149] Nanjiani, welcome.

[150] We should bring anyone up to date who doesn't know.

[151] Kumail was, you were booked to be on my show Thursday, this last Thursday.

[152] And I would say about, I think they came to me, I was in the makeup chair and 25 minutes before the show, which never happens.

[153] Jeff Ross just came in and said, Kumail's not going to be able to be here.

[154] and you are, I'm going to get this out of the way right away.

[155] You are famously a very nice guy.

[156] You are extremely hardworking.

[157] You are punctual.

[158] This is not your MO at all.

[159] This was something that was out of your control.

[160] Yes, it was completely out of my control.

[161] I was shooting Silicon Valley.

[162] They said they'd have me out at a certain time.

[163] The details are there's a scene we were shooting.

[164] I was going to be just in the last bit of the scene.

[165] They said, we'll shoot your bit of the scene.

[166] Then you'll get out.

[167] And as soon as we rehearsed, they were like, even though you're only in the last page, you're not going to be able to leave just because of the way it's set up.

[168] And they were right.

[169] Right.

[170] There was no way that they could really get me out.

[171] So as soon as I found that out, I called my people and I was like, hey, what's going to happen?

[172] And they were like, you have to get there.

[173] And I was like, well, then talk to Silicon Valley.

[174] Yeah.

[175] And it just wasn't going to happen.

[176] I actually texted friends to get as a replacement and Martin Starr agreed to do it because he was not in that scene.

[177] Right.

[178] But by then you guys had decided to sort of.

[179] We decided, you know, we were scrambling.

[180] And what happened was they come in, they say, you know, Kumail's not here.

[181] And, you know, Jeff Ross said, I think it's drugs.

[182] And we all, you know, nodded and said, well, that's probably, that's Kumail's M .O. He's probably wasted.

[183] No, we immediately is thinking, what do we do?

[184] And then I was saying, you know what?

[185] Instead of just finding someone else, let's just have fun with the fact that we only have one guest on our show and the guest didn't come.

[186] And I'll talk to Sona, my trusty assistant.

[187] And so we ended up doing that.

[188] And so it just became a little bit of a happening.

[189] And people really like the show.

[190] It was everywhere.

[191] Yeah.

[192] To my, I was, and the headlines were like, you know, Hollywood reporter would be like, Conan forced to improvise show after Kamel Nanjiani Bales on.

[193] him last minute.

[194] Like, they were all like that.

[195] All these people on Twitter are like, I'm unfollowing you.

[196] How dare you do that, DeCone?

[197] I know, I know.

[198] And that's why I want to help get the word out that we are friends, and I'm a long -time fan of yours and a big admirer of yours, and this had nothing to do with you.

[199] So, you know, I'm a little like Beyonce in that I have a beehive.

[200] Anyone with me on this?

[201] Not in any way.

[202] Okay.

[203] Isn't it a beehive?

[204] Yes.

[205] That's what I meant to say.

[206] But I'm from New England.

[207] And when we say Bay, it comes out as B. Okay, all right.

[208] Some people say aunt and we say aunt.

[209] Okay.

[210] That's my excuse for not knowing the correct conversation.

[211] So you're like Beyonce.

[212] I'm like Bay -on -C.

[213] In that?

[214] And I'm like her in a lot of other ways, too.

[215] I'm incredibly...

[216] Name three.

[217] Singing, dancing.

[218] I think my impact on culture, American culture in the late 20th, early 21st century.

[219] In all of those ways, I'm exactly like...

[220] I will say, obviously, singing dancing, no. But I do think your impact genuinely on pop culture has been massive.

[221] Oh, that's very.

[222] And maybe in ways that you don't even...

[223] Like, I've told you this before.

[224] I started comedy because of you.

[225] And so that's why I was like, when I started watching your monologue when I wasn't there, I was like Oh, every other I would love this The only problem is It's fucking about me And it was such a great show And I was like the best Conan I did Was the one I didn't do Exactly, well no In a way And I'm going to thank you It ended up being a really Great show And probably got you More Press Than and think about it Not just, everyone was like, you know, it was all trending.

[226] And so, you know, it's the old, all publicity is good publicity.

[227] So in a way, you were part of making this really cool show.

[228] And so I do thank you.

[229] Well, well, you're being very, very kind.

[230] I'll tell you this.

[231] So while the show was taping, I was texting with your writer, a friend of mine, Todd Levin.

[232] And he was sort of telling me what was going on.

[233] He told me about the Lion King thing.

[234] And I was like, well, this sounds great.

[235] And then I got down with work.

[236] I went right to sleep because I had to be up at 5 a .m. the next day.

[237] And I woke up and it was everywhere.

[238] It was everywhere.

[239] So, and people were like, did you watch it?

[240] It's great.

[241] Did you watch it?

[242] I was like, I cannot wait to watch.

[243] So I was in my trailer after rehearsal, and I started watching it.

[244] And 90 seconds in, I started sweating.

[245] Oh, no. I really, really had such like a physical reaction to it.

[246] I felt so bad.

[247] Oh, I'm sorry.

[248] I had to, no, no. I had to stop watching.

[249] So I will watch the whole thing at some point.

[250] but probably not for a little while.

[251] Well, okay, I know what you mean because I'm the same way when it comes to anything that involves me. It's hard for me to watch it as an observer.

[252] And I was talking to J .P. Buck, who works on my show, and he handles a lot of the comedy.

[253] And we were just talking the other day about how he saw you really early on doing stand -up.

[254] And he said, what I remember about Kumal is how his jokes, were so smart and so carefully crafted and his take on things was so intelligent and you've always been that way.

[255] You've taken this very, very seriously because you come from serious people.

[256] Yeah, I come from very serious.

[257] Did J .P. tell you then why he didn't put me in the show that he auditioned me for?

[258] Did that come up?

[259] I think he said he knew that one day you would flake in that show.

[260] And so he wanted to punish you.

[261] No, who knows?

[262] I don't, you know, probably limited, you know, who knows why.

[263] No, no, no, it's totally fine.

[264] But he was very, very early on.

[265] I just started stand up.

[266] I do come from very serious people.

[267] Like, I, it is interesting.

[268] We both are obviously comedians, but we both take her job very seriously.

[269] Right.

[270] And I'm not like a guy who's always goofing around.

[271] I take pride in taking my work seriously and really working on it.

[272] My dad is like the hardest working person I've ever been.

[273] Let's talk about him.

[274] He's a sense of humor, your dad?

[275] Very funny, yeah.

[276] Very funny, but an incredibly hard worker and a serious worker.

[277] Very serious.

[278] He's a doctor.

[279] Yes.

[280] I remember when I was like 13 or so, he, we were in Pakistan and they wanted to move to America.

[281] So he started studying for the USMLE, which is basically, you know, the doctor certification exam.

[282] You do it when you're like 28.

[283] He was much older than that.

[284] And he would like work and then study all night.

[285] And I was like, this is unbelievable.

[286] I really, I've never seen anyone work that hard.

[287] I think we, okay, we have that in common because my dad's a doctor, research, and I grew up watching my dad get up in the morning, go to work, then he would come home at night and have dinner and then go back to the lab.

[288] And I just thought that that's what everyone's dad did.

[289] Right.

[290] And then I would talk to other kids and they would say, what?

[291] What are you talking about?

[292] My dad loved me. You can't see, but when I was laughing and crying.

[293] And my mom also just an incredibly hard worker.

[294] And so that's what I grew up seeing.

[295] And it's really interesting because there's this image out there of people that work in comedy as we're cutups that just giggle at everything and and life's a blast, and I think, well, that's really interesting because it is true that I love to try and make people laugh just in my everyday life.

[296] I like to laugh.

[297] I like to have fun, but I am serious as a heart attack about getting it right.

[298] Right.

[299] And that to the degree that, I shouldn't probably admit this, but my head writer, my old head writer, Mike Sweeney, he went to see there will be blood when it came out.

[300] Yeah.

[301] And the character that Daniel Day Lewis plays.

[302] Plainview?

[303] Yeah, Daniel Plainview.

[304] He saw the movie and I hadn't seen it yet.

[305] He went, I just saw the most amazing movie.

[306] They will be blood and I said, yeah, yeah, I want to go see that.

[307] I'm gonna see it tonight and he went, you're gonna love it.

[308] It's about you.

[309] Oh, oh, wow, cool.

[310] And I hadn't seen it yet and I thought, oh wow, cool.

[311] It's probably about a really fun loving and I went and saw the movie.

[312] And of course, then I was horribly hurt because he's this.

[313] He beat someone to death at the end.

[314] Yeah, he beats someone to death at the end and he's an abusive alcoholic to his deaf son and he's just this, in so many ways, this tortured tumor of a man. And so, and I said, what are you?

[315] I came in after I saw the movie, and I'm like, well, what the fuck are you talking about?

[316] And he said, no, no, no, just certain scenes.

[317] And he said there's a scene where, he said the scene where he breaks his leg early in the movie and crawls all the way to the Asayers office to check to see how much the, He said, that's you about when you're committed to something.

[318] You will crawl.

[319] And he said, the other thing is the scene where he's trying to figure out why there's this piece of land in the middle that's the bandied tract that he doesn't have.

[320] And he keeps saying, why don't I own this land?

[321] Right.

[322] And I'm that way about this part of the sketch doesn't line up.

[323] Right.

[324] And sometimes people are like, yeah, but we can.

[325] I'm like, it doesn't work.

[326] We need to fix it.

[327] And so.

[328] I mean, that's exactly.

[329] I think the work you put into making something perfect is so much easier to deal with than the regret you feel when it's not exactly the way you want it afterwards.

[330] Because that's a regret you're going to live with for the rest of your life.

[331] Whereas the work you do to make it perfect is a finite amount of work.

[332] Right.

[333] And it's it's also hard.

[334] Emily says this to me. She's like, you know, you think you're always right.

[335] And I was like, I really was like, but I am.

[336] And she was like, do you hear yourself?

[337] I was like, yeah, it was kind of a joke, but also, I at least know, if I think something should be a certain way, and then it goes that way, I do it that way, and then it doesn't work, I at least learn something from it.

[338] Whereas if I don't do that work, and I know something's not going to work, and then it doesn't work, I don't really learn anything from that.

[339] Here's what I've learned to do, which is say if we do it a certain way, it will work, and then if we go ahead and do it that way and it doesn't work, deny that we did it exactly the way I wanted to do it.

[340] Okay, that's good.

[341] Yeah, and so I've found to be, I call it being a shape -shifting prick.

[342] Uh -huh.

[343] And it's very helpful.

[344] So when it works, you did it.

[345] When it doesn't work, it wasn't.

[346] I was screwed.

[347] Yeah, I was screwed and betrayed by others around me. This makes me really sad that Sonom of Sessian could not be part of the podcast today.

[348] She is with her, they're celebrating her mom's birthday, and I think it involves her and her entire family getting on a boat.

[349] I think so, yeah.

[350] Yeah, and riding around.

[351] And so she couldn't be here today, which is too bad because her microphone would be on fire right now.

[352] Yeah.

[353] She would be jumping in so much about my passive -aggressive tricks to avoid responsibility for being around.

[354] Do you know that in six months I can back then?

[355] Well, like what kind of stuff are we talking about?

[356] Oh, he's a tyrant.

[357] Please, please.

[358] Oh, yeah.

[359] Stalin did a lot of good.

[360] I like to say.

[361] You like to say that?

[362] I like to say that.

[363] I really do.

[364] I think some tyrants have accomplished great things.

[365] No, I get, I guess the point I'm making, which you can relate to, is there's this work and intensity about your work that there's no substitute for.

[366] And it's the same in, you know, with our, with our dads, it was medicine.

[367] And with us, it's making something, trying to make something funny.

[368] Right.

[369] And it's not different.

[370] I mean, yes, one saves lives and the other probably has very little social value.

[371] But the other is a waste of everyone's time.

[372] Waste of everyone's time.

[373] But ultimately more lucrative.

[374] It really is.

[375] Take that, doctors.

[376] If you do it right, you can have several boats.

[377] Let me ask you this.

[378] you ever feel so when you do something like you worked on a sketch you were like this part's not working and then you fix it fix it fix it it airs and it kills and it's perfect how do you feel at that point and how long do you feel that way uh it i feel great but it doesn't last long right um because then you're on to the next feeling right and that has happened and so uh i I have a very short, very short shelf life for feeling good about things I've accomplished.

[379] It goes away very quickly.

[380] How about you?

[381] Same.

[382] It like barely feels it because then I'm like, all right, did that.

[383] What's next?

[384] Because, yeah, I never really, I do think it's not, I think sort of dwelling on a success can be bad for you.

[385] Yes.

[386] I really do think that.

[387] And so I do feel satisfaction when something goes great, but really not for very long.

[388] And then it's like, all right, what's the next?

[389] I don't know if I told you this, but, you know, obviously loved David Letterman and wanted to do his show and got to do a show.

[390] I got to do stand -up on it.

[391] I worked on this set for a long time, you know, like for a year with Eddie Brill was the booker.

[392] And I finally, like, I perfected the set.

[393] I did it a ton of times.

[394] I went on it.

[395] I did it, and it went great.

[396] And I remember as soon as it was over, I was like, okay, how do I do this again?

[397] There was no moment of like, man, I just did Letterman.

[398] I just remember Letterman coming up, shaking my hand.

[399] My only reaction to that was, oh, he's got makeup on his face.

[400] Yes.

[401] You know, it's funny.

[402] I don't know if people feel that way about me. I'm so pale that when they put makeup on me, I don't think that's the reaction I get because the makeup they put on me just gets me to looking human.

[403] I've never noticed that you had makeup on you.

[404] Right, so the times that you've come over and, you know, you've been on my show countless times and greeted me. You're just seeing a human being.

[405] Right.

[406] You don't realize.

[407] Well, now that I see you now, I'm like, well, I guess he had makeup on his face.

[408] Yes, exactly.

[409] You can actually see that I, right now, Kumail's looking at me and there's blue veins under my face.

[410] I'm kidding, you agree.

[411] Thank you.

[412] Wow.

[413] But, but yeah, that's the funny thing is the first.

[414] time, I think I was on Letterman was in 93 before I had even started my own late night show and I saw him and he just looked very orange.

[415] He had this sort of, I just remember being stunned like he had been, he looked like Cheeto dust.

[416] Right.

[417] He looked like he had been, someone had taken like a spray paint pen, spray paint gun and fired chito dust at him.

[418] That's what he looked like.

[419] Yeah, that's what it was because you're like, you're so, because I didn't meet him.

[420] before the show you're like so nervous and then you do the set and that it's done and they're clapping and you're like this one great and you look over and I was like oh he has makeup on his face and then he's gone he just walks out of your life forever again and that was my only impression he had a not many people know this but he would get into a hot air balloon the ceiling would open and he would leave the New York studio I mean if he could he would get out of there as soon as he could you know what I loved about the end of his shows when he was ending his shows was how unsentimental he was about everything like you'd have like Norm MacDonald almost crying and he's like, okay, let's wrap this up.

[421] Yeah, I think he was uncomfortable with sentiment, which is kind of refreshing these days because I think there are a lot of people that can lean into sentiment and I have a big sentimental streak but I'm also always covering it up with cold ash so that no one can see it.

[422] Well, you're going to find the balance, right?

[423] Every now and then, if you're always nice, That doesn't mean anything, but if you're like sincere and I say every now and then.

[424] Yeah.

[425] Oh my God.

[426] No, no, I try and, you know, work it in every now and then when the doctor tells me it's time.

[427] I got to know a lot about you, as I think we all did with The Big Sick.

[428] And what was interesting about that movie is that it doesn't even depict the degree to which you were raised in a very rigid religious system.

[429] Do you know what I mean?

[430] The extent of it.

[431] I mean, like your relationship with women as a young man. Yeah.

[432] Yeah.

[433] No, I was raised in a very, very religious household and Shiite Muslim.

[434] Shiite Muslim in Pakistan, which is a minority in Pakistan.

[435] So that was its own thing.

[436] You sort of had to hide that you were Shiite at school, you know.

[437] And I have a very Shiite first name.

[438] But it wasn't so common back then.

[439] And so people didn't really know, but you kind of had to hide it.

[440] And if you went to the mosque every now and then you'd see another kid from school and you'd be like, hey, we have a secret to share.

[441] Is that the kind of thing where if people did find out, they would give you a hard time?

[442] Yeah.

[443] Yeah.

[444] I mean, again, I'm not generalizing.

[445] This was my experience.

[446] It was a very, very Muslim country, hence a very Muslim classroom.

[447] So the kids who were Hindu or Christian, there were only a couple of them, and they would get bullied about it in school by kids.

[448] Because the, Islam thing for us at that time was so important, such a part of being a person.

[449] And the thing with girls was interesting because I remember when I first started having these feelings and hearing that I remember I was at a religious sermon and the guy said, if you look at a girl with a lustful gaze, the sin is equivalent to stabbing the prophet's nephew in the back while he's this is what we were told So you were raised more or less Catholic Yes and again We have a lot of similarities But you know that is intense That is really that's a quote of what he said Yeah, that's what he said And I remember and you know When you're like 12 and suddenly You're having these feelings and you're seeing Cindy Crawford in a Diet Pepsi commercial Or whatever that was And you're like I'm really stabbing the prophet's nephew right now It was really really intense A lot of guilt about it What I am lucky didn't happen is I think what can happen in that situation is you can sort of become almost like a woman hater.

[450] You can sort of start resenting them for the way they make you feel.

[451] And I never had that.

[452] I always just really wanted them.

[453] Yeah, in your life and in other ways.

[454] In any way I could get at that.

[455] Yeah, I remember being like 15, I'm being like, I'm never going to have sex.

[456] I'm pretty sure I'm never going to get to have sex.

[457] I remember thinking that at 35.

[458] but then seven years later, my dreams came true.

[459] What's funny is you grew up with your parents planning to set you up in an arranged marriage, and that is a big part of the big sick, but that was going to be the plan, which is still hard for a lot of people who aren't part of a religious system like that to believe, because it sounds like such a fairy tale situation.

[460] You know, that there's an arranged marriage and you're unhappy, but you must do what your parents wish.

[461] Right, but I think the expectations of a marriage and a romantic relationship are different.

[462] And so I don't even know, again, I didn't really arrange marriage.

[463] You know, I didn't do that.

[464] Well, there's two terms.

[465] There's arranged marriage and then there's love marriage.

[466] And love marriage is like, we would say, oh, she had a love marriage or he had a love marriage.

[467] That's like a bad, you know, it's a bad phrase.

[468] Is that meant to be a term like of, it's a love marriage?

[469] That's not a great thing.

[470] No, it's not a great thing.

[471] Love marriage.

[472] You know, I have cousins now who are getting arranged married, and I don't want to speak for them, but they seem...

[473] The expectations are different.

[474] Here, you know, marriage is about love and this one person with another, romantic love, that kind of thing, you know, the one, all that sort of stuff.

[475] There, it's really sort of a contract between two families.

[476] It's two families coming together.

[477] So, in a way, it's more stable.

[478] but it's just very different than the way America and most of the West views marriage.

[479] It's just different expectations.

[480] Right.

[481] Yeah.

[482] All right, we're going to take a quick break.

[483] We'll be right back.

[484] And we're back.

[485] It was a very quick break.

[486] That was a very quick break.

[487] Yeah.

[488] Well, not.

[489] We actually played an ad in there somewhere, so it probably wasn't a quick break.

[490] Yeah, you're buying your beach house?

[491] Yes.

[492] I'm still trying to save up for that.

[493] I made a couple of bad investments recently.

[494] I invested in a theme park.

[495] That was a bad idea.

[496] Oh, yeah, theme parks are done, dude.

[497] I know, I didn't know.

[498] And what was the theme of the park?

[499] It was all about cholera.

[500] Cholera epidemics in the late 19th century.

[501] Roller coasters and all that?

[502] Yeah, and just, you know, recreating just standing water that hadn't been certain.

[503] Ironically, wasn't there an actual cholera outbreak at the?

[504] Was there?

[505] I don't know.

[506] Sometimes I joke about things and then it turns out it's true.

[507] Yeah.

[508] Or I make a joke about it and then it becomes true because I'm a Stephen King character.

[509] So that's also possible.

[510] You know, we were talking about ways, things that I can relate to about you and there are so many.

[511] But you, we were talking about hard work.

[512] We were talking about this ethic that you have, which I can relate to of wanting to do a good job.

[513] There's also, I sense, I'm curious if you have this, it took me a long time and I'm still working on it, splurging on anything from myself.

[514] Oh my God.

[515] You know, having an indulgence.

[516] I'm much more comfortable doing that for other people, but when it comes to me, I have some, it can be difficult for me to do things for myself.

[517] Does that make sense?

[518] Yes, no, exactly.

[519] Actually, that's one thing that Emily has worked on me a lot, is like, you have to be okay spending.

[520] It's a guilt thing, right?

[521] It's sort of like, I think ultimately you don't deserve it.

[522] I have, so I was raised in this religious way that was very, I'm sure, similar for you, very mathematical, right?

[523] Which is like, if you do good, you get good, you go to heaven, if you do bad, it's insane, you go to hell.

[524] So it's very mathematical.

[525] And so I still, I think those structures are still in my brain, so I really still function.

[526] the same way, where it's like, if I do enough work, I can play a video game.

[527] And if I don't do it, then I don't deserve it.

[528] You know, so like today, today's sort of my first day off in a very, very long time.

[529] Even today, if I went home and played video games, I would feel guilty about it.

[530] And so, yeah, I don't really spend...

[531] Okay, but why?

[532] You work really hard.

[533] You worked really hard yesterday on Silicon Valley.

[534] Then you busted your ass to get to my show.

[535] Oh, wait, I'm sorry, you didn't do that.

[536] No, no. But what I'm saying is, you work really hard.

[537] Yeah.

[538] You've got this movie stuber that you've made opening.

[539] I mean, this is, this, you should today get to play video games.

[540] Yeah, but I'll just be like, I know all the other stuff I have to do.

[541] And so, like, this morning I had, I had like, I'm just next movie that I'm going to do, hopefully.

[542] I, like, met with a director on that.

[543] and worked on that and so from that there's a lot of work to do that's in my head and I always feel like I always feel like the best jokes I've ever written are jokes that I could have only written in that moment I don't think they're like inevitable jokes that I would have come up with later sometimes like you write a scene and you're like oh I could have only done this today.

[544] In this time yeah and so every time I'm playing video games I'm like oh I'm missing things that I would only be able to do right now yeah and I don't although with Emily I think replenishing yourself is very, very important and caring like that for yourself is very, very important.

[545] The other thing that I'm trying to work on is deriving the same sense of satisfaction from my home life and my marriage and, you know, all that stuff, the same satisfaction from that I derive from work.

[546] Yeah.

[547] Which is very hard.

[548] right yeah it it uh i that's helped me a lot i mean my wife lies has helped me a lot with that and also having kids my um you can't think of their names i'm gonna get it i'll get it soon now it's gone again well can you give me a letter it starts no i don't have a letter there's the first one and the second one that's okay all right that's specific enough for me i'm not even sure of genders here.

[549] No, I've, I've two kids, Nevin Beckett and Beckett, Will, there's just all these things that unfolded naturally, like we love action movies, and we love watching the Mission Impossible movies, you know, with Tom Cruise.

[550] And it started naturally, but I, whenever there's a fight, we watch these movies together in front of the TV at night, and it's, it's, he doesn't have school, he's allowed to watch TV if there's no school the next day.

[551] So we'll be watching a Mission Impossible movie and when an intense fight scene or born identity or one of those movies, any movie like that, when the fight scene breaks out, I attack my son.

[552] In like a playful way, but I'm attacking him as, and I say this is to make it an immersive experience.

[553] It's like 4D or whatever.

[554] Yeah, it's 4D.

[555] When I was a kid, there was this movie that earthquake that came out and they put all of these, they said earthquake, incense around.

[556] And what they did is they put these little things under the seats that made the seat vibrate when the earthquake was happening.

[557] It was a big marketing gimmick.

[558] I want to say this was like 1977.

[559] It was like earthquake incense around.

[560] And that was the big deal.

[561] I'm doing that for my son.

[562] His whole life is a sense around.

[563] Yes.

[564] His whole life is anytime we're watching something and a fight breaks out, I start wailing on him and he wails on me and then when the fight's over, we immediately separate and we're ready for dialogue.

[565] But that's not something you can't know that before you have kids, but there are all these things now in my life that completely take me out of that world that I didn't know was accessible to me. I didn't know I could, I was capable of that before I had a family.

[566] I was a little worried about him.

[567] I just gonna be, yeah, am I gonna be an...

[568] Able to beat up a little kid?

[569] Yeah, yeah, I didn't know that I had the ability to attack someone who's my son who's smaller than me in the privacy of my own home and now I'm liberated.

[570] I mean, you knew that it was physically possible, but emotionally you didn't know if you could go there.

[571] I was worried.

[572] I knew I could get away with it, but I was worried that at some point I'd be relaxed enough with someone I admire that I'd talk about it on a podcast.

[573] And that's how I'd get caught.

[574] Right.

[575] And, you know, we'll see if that comes to pass.

[576] Do you see, how old is Beckett?

[577] He's 13.

[578] Do you see yourself in him?

[579] In some ways.

[580] In some ways, I see myself in him.

[581] In other ways, he's more chill than I was.

[582] I see more of my daughter.

[583] My daughter is an extremely hardworking.

[584] She's very tough on herself, even when we try hard to tell her, take it easy.

[585] How old is she?

[586] She is 15, so.

[587] Okay.

[588] But she's been this way, you know, I'll find her studying on a Saturday morning, you know, birds tweeting outside.

[589] Right.

[590] She should be, and I'll say, you should go and have fun and she'll say, fun, fun, there's work to be done.

[591] And then she becomes the character and there will be blood.

[592] And so my son is more chill.

[593] He loves video games.

[594] He's incredibly smart about computers.

[595] And I don't know anything about that stuff.

[596] Right.

[597] So when I ask him about his world, he'll start to talk about coding and seconds into it, I'm gone.

[598] I don't understand.

[599] Yeah.

[600] Do you understand?

[601] Do you, I mean, you play video games, but it doesn't like, you don't write code.

[602] I'm not, you know, I did study computer science in school, but I honestly was never good at it.

[603] I always say I felt like I missed a class and then I never, like, recovered.

[604] That was a class that they were like, this is what you're going to need to know going forward, and I just never got it.

[605] Right.

[606] It was a weird thing for me because I was a very, very serious kid.

[607] I worked really hard.

[608] I studied all the time.

[609] I literally would study all day.

[610] I got really good grades, and I was very proud of my grades because I had nothing else, you know.

[611] I wasn't popular.

[612] I wasn't funny.

[613] I wasn't good looking.

[614] I wasn't good at sports.

[615] the only thing I had was good grades, which was not valued at school, but I valued it.

[616] Even my parents were like, you're going a little hard.

[617] Wait, but let me look.

[618] This is important.

[619] You said you weren't funny.

[620] You were funny with your friends.

[621] Not really.

[622] I didn't realize that was funny until college, honestly.

[623] Oh, okay.

[624] It wasn't, because I could relate to, there's a lot of things there that I could understand, which is I was not the class clown.

[625] Right.

[626] I was not the guy who was making the whole class laugh.

[627] Right.

[628] I was, but I had friends who knew me who knew that I was funny.

[629] Right.

[630] And I knew that I had that gear.

[631] Right.

[632] But I, it's not like I could, uh, I wasn't someone who was showing that to the world.

[633] Right.

[634] I didn't have the guts to do that.

[635] And, uh, I was grinding away, just like you were.

[636] You were doing like open mics, basically.

[637] Um, I, I really was not, I did not think of myself as funny.

[638] I had, I realized.

[639] now looking back when I was like, you know, 12 to 19 or 20, like extremely low self -esteem.

[640] I really, really thought that I had like nothing of value to give to anybody.

[641] Like, I truly believed that.

[642] And so I wasn't even funny with my friends.

[643] I had a few friends and they, I think, really liked me. But I always also thought that when I was hanging out with them that they were doing me some charity or something.

[644] It's such a weird thing.

[645] I was like, oh, they're hanging out without me right now.

[646] Like I would take these things.

[647] I haven't told anybody this.

[648] I would like call a friend.

[649] at home this was landlines and they're like oh he's out so then I would call my other friend to be like are they hanging out together with and they'll be like oh yeah he's out and I'm like oh my god they're hanging out without me and then that's a spiral where I'm like calling them like every half hour like oh is they're back yet so it wasn't until college and I remember I was like 19 or 20 or something and I remember I was like saying something and people were laughing really really hard my friends were I was making fun of Aladdin or something And they were laughing really hard And then a few months later They were like, you know, we all have They were like, you're the funny one Of the group and I was like, whoa And I remember when I was making people laugh Like it felt so exciting It was like this new thing that I'd never felt before And it became like very important to me immediately I can relate to it It's origin stories for superheroes Right There's always the moment where they realize They could do this thing And I always think I think comedians can relate to that because there's that moment.

[650] I mean, a lot of comedians have a similar DNA, which is we're not great athletes.

[651] I'm sure there are some comedians that are amazing athletes, but they're more the exception than the rule.

[652] Right.

[653] And we're not the ones that are incredibly good looking because if you really have great comedy chops, it's because all you've done is hyperdevelop this defense mechanism intensely for 25 years, and then it turns into this laser beam at some point that you can shoot out of your head and it makes people laugh and it has power, but you don't know it has any power until you're in your 20s.

[654] You don't know that it, you don't know that you can make money with it or that you can, in any way, impress women with it that just doesn't seem no. Like, it's not a superpower until later in your life when you realize, oh, wait a minute, this has some value.

[655] Right.

[656] I remember being like trying to figure out what I want to do.

[657] And I remember thinking, when I was like a teenager, I was like, oh, I was like, oh, I have really good balance.

[658] Like, you know the thing that kids do?

[659] I was like, I never fall over.

[660] You know that thing that kids do where they'll like either kick you in the back of your knees to make you fall down or like somebody will like sort of kneel behind you and then someone will push you over?

[661] I would never fall down.

[662] And so I was like, oh, that's my thing.

[663] I got good balance.

[664] It's hard to make me fall down.

[665] And I remember being like, what can I do with that?

[666] What can I do with that?

[667] And then when I was 19, I was doing the Aladdin riff and I was like, oh, this is way better than that other thing.

[668] We probably wouldn't know each other if you had staked everything on good balance.

[669] I doubt that I'd be here saying, well, you know him as balance guy.

[670] Here he is.

[671] Manjiani.

[672] Incredible.

[673] Yesterday, incredible footage of you, nine people.

[674] tried to tip you over yesterday.

[675] And you didn't go down once again, Coombe.

[676] Yeah, he hasn't fallen in 732 days.

[677] I love that you grew up such a straight arrow, that your take on the Ferris Bueller movie, I read this somewhere and I thought, this is just fantastic.

[678] You didn't see the movie Ferris Bueller the way the rest of us saw it.

[679] You know, everyone, we all thought, oh, Ferris Bueller, you know, you know, what a lovable scamp.

[680] Right.

[681] What an imp.

[682] What a charming.

[683] That's the way to live life.

[684] If only we could all be Ferris Bueller.

[685] You had a very different reaction to that film.

[686] Yeah, I hated him.

[687] I was like, he's not following any of the rules.

[688] He's forcing his friends to do all this stuff.

[689] The principal is just like doing his job, who now he's Jeffrey Jones and a pedophile.

[690] So I have changed my opinion on him.

[691] That one I was wrong about, and I will take that blame.

[692] But yeah, I never liked him.

[693] I thought that he was like the bad guy.

[694] He's like doing all this stuff that he shouldn't be doing.

[695] Like, staying in school and working hard, that's worthwhile.

[696] That's a good, you know, use of your time.

[697] Yeah.

[698] He's stealing his friend's car.

[699] I mean, he's kind of a sociopath.

[700] You know, it's so funny because I have always, my kids grew up watching all the Harry Potter films.

[701] And I would watch the Harry Potter films with them.

[702] And I would say, Hogwarts is a terrible school.

[703] It's, I mean, these children's lives are in jeopardy.

[704] All the time, constantly.

[705] Can you imagine any institution, a professional school where, yes, three of the children were killed by a rogue spirit, or they were blasted into another dimension, or there's a challenge where you've gotta go underwater and well, we lost one of them.

[706] No, shut it down.

[707] Hogwarts, there's no way you could get any kind of insurance company to underwrite it.

[708] It is the most dangerous place.

[709] place to send children.

[710] Yeah, the biggest tournament is the goblet of fire.

[711] Yes, yes.

[712] You shouldn't have kids trying to get a goblet of fire?

[713] And also, the, what's the game?

[714] Quidditch.

[715] Quidditch is a terrible game.

[716] There are no seatbelts on those brooms.

[717] No. And they're constantly being knocked off and then saved at the last second.

[718] And I'm constantly watching it, and I'm thinking, also every third professor at Hogwarts later turns out to be, well, they turned out to be a demon.

[719] Wait, you put the children.

[720] in their care.

[721] Yes, we know.

[722] These things happen at Hogwarts.

[723] It's Hogwarts.

[724] Have a good summer, everybody.

[725] Right, right.

[726] Exactly.

[727] They're like, yeah.

[728] The upside, you know, the teachers are, some of the lessons are pretty good.

[729] Downside, there is a giant murderous snake in the basement.

[730] Yes.

[731] Just steer clear of that guy.

[732] Yeah, so I'm with you.

[733] I tend to watch when everyone else is being delighted by the joy of how, I can't get past the fact that Mary Poppins, is fairly irresponsible.

[734] This is so interesting you say this.

[735] So my whole life, my least favorite genre of movie has been the free spirit comes into the rigid society and teaches them how to dance.

[736] Like Music Man, Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, all this stuff.

[737] I always hate it because I think it's so arrogant to think that you're like fun ways are the ways to do things.

[738] Like you're fucking cutting up curtains and dressing their kids up in them.

[739] Like they've got a system that works.

[740] Everybody's pretty happy.

[741] Things are going fine.

[742] You and I should do movie reviews together where we take this aesthetic and this belief, this rigid system of beliefs and we go through and we just we go through all the classic movies.

[743] You know, there's a dead poet society.

[744] No, you don't stand on a desk.

[745] No, what about the curriculum?

[746] Aren't they going to have to take a standardized test at the end of this?

[747] The SATs?

[748] Oh, good luck on the SAT.

[749] Yeah, it's the SAT, not the ST -A -N -D on the desk.

[750] Your verbal score is 300 because you just stood on the desk the entire time.

[751] You learned nothing.

[752] Yeah.

[753] No wonder one of them kills themselves.

[754] Yeah, exactly.

[755] And then, what is it?

[756] Right, that's what happens, right?

[757] And then...

[758] Josh Charles?

[759] No, Robert Sean Leonard.

[760] Okay.

[761] But he is in that.

[762] Yeah, he is in that.

[763] It's been a while.

[764] I haven't seen that in a long time.

[765] Yeah, I remember.

[766] But also a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.

[767] Yes, but what if it's a medicine for diabetes?

[768] Has anyone thought about that?

[769] I'm with you.

[770] Everyone's having too much fun.

[771] I really think it's the wrong message.

[772] A spoonful of sugar with the medicine, then you're expecting a spoonful of sugar with every bad thing you have to do in your life.

[773] And that's not the right message.

[774] Sometimes stuff just sucks and you have to do it.

[775] You can't just like eat sugar while you're doing it.

[776] Sugar's not good for you.

[777] No. So you're a reward to yourself, if it's all gone really well, if your day's gone well, is what?

[778] Let's say you've had a great day.

[779] And, like, for example, today, great, terrific guest on the podcast, plus you've been working really hard.

[780] This is your day off.

[781] Other than video games, what would you do for yourself?

[782] I would love to go and have, like, a very nice dinner with Emily.

[783] I always, you know, hard for me to spend money on myself, but with food, that's okay.

[784] Like, if we're going out together somewhere and, like, having a real.

[785] really nice long meal, that's like one of my favorite things to do.

[786] I like going to like, I just really like the whole ritual of eating.

[787] So whenever there's like a reward, a lot of times it revolves around ordering something in or cooking something or baking something or going to like eat a nice long meal.

[788] So that's probably, that's what we're going to do.

[789] Emily and I are going to go out and eat.

[790] Are you going to go someplace near your home?

[791] What kind of food?

[792] No. No. This is, So, this is Italian food today.

[793] Right.

[794] But I've been on this, like, really crazy diet for four weeks.

[795] So, um, is it one of those ones where you don't get to have anything for four weeks or?

[796] I can't eat.

[797] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, shh, no processed sugar.

[798] Right.

[799] I'm doing no gluten.

[800] Right.

[801] No, it's sort of like a version of paleo.

[802] So it's no gluten, trying to do no carbs, uh, no sugar and no dairy.

[803] Wait, how can you do no carbs?

[804] You have to have some carbs.

[805] You try and really minimize it.

[806] Your stool is going to be a white gel.

[807] Jesus.

[808] But with little sparkles in it.

[809] It looks like children's toothpaste.

[810] Yeah, exactly.

[811] That's what's going to, I mean, that's the other thing is, you know, I do worry when people say I've cut out, I'm doing a no calorie diet.

[812] I'm cutting out all calories.

[813] How's it going?

[814] Well, I have no energy and I was pronounced dead an hour ago.

[815] I am miserable.

[816] I died with a frown on my face You gotta have some carbs It's been hard because I do have such a I love food so much And that's one thing that I've also sort of I have like guilt about eating the wrong thing And I've had it since I was 14 I remember again KFC had just opened in Pakistan Yep With the only other we had pizza hot And then we had KFC was the next one And the weird thing our KFC was it was like a fancy restaurant in Pakistan.

[817] Like, it was expensive.

[818] So when it opened, it was like a night out.

[819] Right.

[820] You put on your tucks and go to KFC.

[821] A limo pulls up.

[822] Reservation.

[823] Yeah, then you go stand in line.

[824] Yeah.

[825] I remember one specific day, I like got KFC.

[826] It was my first time eating it.

[827] And loving it.

[828] And I had the mashed potatoes with the gravy and everything.

[829] And I loved it so much.

[830] And I ate the whole thing.

[831] And I remember feeling awful about myself.

[832] I was like 14 years old.

[833] That's too bad.

[834] that's another guilt thing is food eating unhealthy.

[835] That's a big thing I have to deal with.

[836] Yeah.

[837] I think my obsession when I was a kid was my brother Luke would get a comic book.

[838] On the summers, he would get like two comic books every week.

[839] And I would get a different kind of comic book.

[840] I was really into like weird war.

[841] And these comic books that are about, you know, ghosts and, you know, they were less about superheroes.

[842] Is it like sort of like the tales from the crypt type thing?

[843] Yes, it's tells from the crypt type thing where they're supposed to be kind of scary.

[844] Right, because then there was also like a war version of the same.

[845] Yes, that's what I...

[846] EC comics that they did Mad Magazine.

[847] Yeah, that's what I was into.

[848] And so my brother would get his comics and he would read them right away.

[849] I would get my comics and I had this idea that I will save them up.

[850] I won't read them.

[851] So I didn't read any of the entire summer and save them all up to the end of the summer because it was this sort of weird monastic self -hating.

[852] I won't have them now.

[853] It might be too much pleasure, but then that pleasure will be gone, so I'll save it till the end of the summer.

[854] And then it will be one amazing day.

[855] And I just remembered one day having, like, 35 comics and saying, now I can read them.

[856] Oh, this isn't great.

[857] I've fucked up my summer.

[858] That's crazy how similar we are.

[859] I have the exact same thing.

[860] I would get, like, I loved Asterix.

[861] Do you know Asterix?

[862] It was like these French comics.

[863] Yes, I know those comics.

[864] I didn't read them.

[865] I loved them, and they were only like 60 of them total, so I would like buy one whenever I had money and I would just like save it and not read it.

[866] Yes, yes.

[867] Every now and then I would like, I could, the rule was I could open it and I could look at the pictures every now and then, but I couldn't read any other words.

[868] And so I'd be like, oh my God, he's going, why does he have a huge wheel of cheese in his head?

[869] I guess I'll find out next month.

[870] Jeez.

[871] Oh my God.

[872] Yes, we are very, very similar.

[873] Yeah.

[874] We can delay gratification for a very long time, but I have found that sexually it comes in quite useful.

[875] Oh, yeah.

[876] I ruined everything.

[877] What do you do when you're, like, going to reward yourself?

[878] What's your, like, thing to do?

[879] You've had a great day.

[880] You had a great show.

[881] I like me some wine.

[882] Uh -huh.

[883] I really do like to have some, you know, a glass of wine, sometimes too.

[884] uh sometimes four and sometimes nine uh no i like to um i like wine i like to uh same thing like something that tastes good and uh i really like to read so if there's a book i'm really into that would be fun that just sounds it doesn't sound exciting to people when you say i i reward myself by reading i know i know what you mean when you're like really like looking forward like, I'm going to get into bed an hour early so I can just read for a little bit.

[885] Yeah, do you guys save up your books for months at a time?

[886] I do.

[887] I read every other page and then I go back and read every other page.

[888] I read one paragraph of the 50 Shades of Grey.

[889] And then I have to wait.

[890] I whip myself.

[891] This is a belt.

[892] Well, listen, this has been an absolute delight.

[893] And Kumel, you are very talented and just, like I said, say I've always admired you.

[894] I could always tell that by the quality of your work, but also in just my talking with you, that you're the real deal.

[895] You're a very hardworking, talented guy who puts the effort in.

[896] And God is in the details.

[897] I really believe that.

[898] And so I'm very happy for you that you've had all this success.

[899] Thank you.

[900] That means so much to me. As I said, I truly, truly would like watch your show every.

[901] night.

[902] Even in college, I would like, at lunch, I'd be like, so I'm going to watch Conan.

[903] If anybody wants to come by my room, I had like a TV with bunny ears and I would watch it every night.

[904] I remember I recorded the dudes a plenty thing.

[905] Oh, yeah.

[906] And I would show that to my friends over and over.

[907] That's one of my favorite sketches.

[908] I still have it memorized.

[909] There's another one called, I've got bulletproof legs.

[910] Yes.

[911] Starring Brian McCann.

[912] Yes.

[913] A guy who brags that he has bulletproof legs and sings a song about it and then get shot in the chest and that's how every sketch went.

[914] Yeah, there was one where he gets shot in the chest and there's a whole thing where they put a baboon heart in him then he gets shot in the chest on stage and then it's a whole thing about his recovery and he finally comes back and that guy is back there and he's like I'm not going to dance from that guy and then you're like no, no, he's not going to shoot you this time he's not going to shoot you this time and he gets up the courage and he goes, I've got bulletproof and he shoots some of the chest to get.

[915] Yes.

[916] Yes.

[917] You know what's so nice is I swear to God, it never, there were so many of those sketches where we were amusing ourselves and never occurred to me that people like you were out there seeing it.

[918] It was like, it's an abstraction to me. I talk to so many young people now that can recite all these sketches to me and I think, oh right, it was on television.

[919] Because it really did feel to me like we were just making ourselves laugh.

[920] No, it was so anarchic.

[921] It was like, it was punk rock.

[922] It was so, I'd never seen.

[923] comedy like that.

[924] The things that made me feel like that were your show when I watched Beavis and Butthead.

[925] I was like, oh, I've never seen this.

[926] Right.

[927] And obviously, very fortunate to work with Mike Judge now, but it's been great like doing your show.

[928] Every time I do your show, I get, I'm very excited, but it's also I always feel.

[929] Like no other show I feel nervous.

[930] Your show, I do feel nervous.

[931] Oh, well, don't feel nervous next time.

[932] Oh, I'm not going to show up.

[933] Thanks for being here, and let's hang soon.

[934] I really do need a friend, so let's do it.

[935] All right.

[936] All right, let's do some voicemails.

[937] These are real, by the way.

[938] These are real voicemails, listeners that call in that have questions for you.

[939] Some of them want advice.

[940] Some of them want to just make a comment.

[941] You'd be honest if there was, has anyone been incredibly abusive?

[942] I wouldn't be honest, no. I would not.

[943] So it's possible someone's been abusive and you're protecting.

[944] me from that?

[945] I mean, no, no, no one, no. Yes, he's protecting me. No. You know, someone tore me a new one out there.

[946] It'd be pretty big of me to protect you at this point.

[947] Exactly.

[948] I'm not sure I'm capable of that.

[949] You're like someone protecting a president you despise.

[950] I know, on the Secret Service, man, who's been assigned to you.

[951] If you see trouble, you might just go the other way.

[952] All right.

[953] Sam, let's do number four, if you will.

[954] Hello, Conan.

[955] I was wondering if you were interested in becoming the godfather of my firstborn child, Leonardo.

[956] My name is Brian Ruff.

[957] I live in the United States.

[958] Thank you very much for your service, sir.

[959] It lives in the United States.

[960] That's so strange.

[961] He's asking me if I will be the godfather to his firstborn?

[962] Leonardo's firstborn.

[963] And what did he say his name was?

[964] Brian.

[965] Brian.

[966] Why did he say I live in the United States?

[967] I don't know, that's so vague, and it almost seems like the Lady Doth protestant.

[968] Yes, yes.

[969] I was pretty sure I heard the sounds of a Venetian water taxi in the background.

[970] He's on the canals of Venice.

[971] Yes, when someone says, and trust me, I'm here in the United States, it means there anywhere but the United States.

[972] Yeah, I agree.

[973] I can't do that.

[974] I cannot be godfather to a child I don't know.

[975] And then he says, I'm from the United States.

[976] states.

[977] And that makes no sense because you only bring up where you're, it just, it sounds like he's, it's a scam of some kind.

[978] Yeah.

[979] Something's not right here.

[980] It actually does sound like an email scam.

[981] Like send me your shipping address and, you know, that kind of thing.

[982] Yeah.

[983] Now I will give him my credit card information.

[984] Okay.

[985] That I'm happy to do.

[986] But I cannot be the godfather to Leonardo.

[987] I, uh, I am a godfather in real life.

[988] Are you?

[989] Yes, to my niece.

[990] And I take that position very seriously.

[991] Wait a minute.

[992] Linking.

[993] No, I don't.

[994] It just occurred to me. I'm a bad godfather.

[995] Are you a godfather?

[996] No, I'm not.

[997] Like, I'm Irish, but I'm not Catholic.

[998] I'm not anything.

[999] Okay.

[1000] I don't know.

[1001] I think Godfather is not just anybody here, know anything, Blake?

[1002] Godfather is supposed to be the spiritual kind of mentor slash.

[1003] You're responsible.

[1004] As a godfather, taking on that responsibility, you are kind of in charge of their spiritual development.

[1005] See, and I have done nothing in that regard.

[1006] It's actually a pretty big charge in most families.

[1007] Yeah, I feel terrible right now because I have a beautiful niece, my brother Luke and his wife, Elsa, and I'm godfather to their lovely daughter.

[1008] And I've done, I've provided no spiritual god.

[1009] Well, it's not too late.

[1010] Maybe you can make it.

[1011] No, it's too late.

[1012] It's too late.

[1013] I can't do it now.

[1014] It's too late.

[1015] The spiritual soul is set fairly early on.

[1016] I feel terrible, and she worships the occult.

[1017] I don't know if I...

[1018] She has a field in the woods.

[1019] She's made a pentagram, apparently, and this is a thing that my brother Luke's been talking to me about a lot, and I thought, why is Luke telling me this?

[1020] This isn't my problem.

[1021] and I'm realizing now it's because I'm her godfather.

[1022] She's a master of the dark arts and you've done nothing.

[1023] I've done nothing and I just kept saying like, well, I keep telling my wife, like Luke, like, oh, that's nice.

[1024] I like Luke and I'm like, yeah, but he keeps telling me that your niece, you know, he found out that she has been grinding up goat horns into a powder and then mixing that with the blood of a white dove and then drinking it and she wears ceremonial, you know, robes, and that she goes around saying hail Beelzebub, and I keep thinking, why is it my deal?

[1025] You know what I mean?

[1026] I got a podcast to run.

[1027] I got a TV show.

[1028] There's a dark cloud of flies circling their house, and you need to do something.

[1029] No, I can't do anything.

[1030] I mean, I'm, first of all, I think this is up to my manager.

[1031] This is the kind of thing I have a manager for.

[1032] Your manager, you're going to outsource your godfathership to your manager.

[1033] Yes.

[1034] I mean, he's getting a cut of.

[1035] what I make, so I think he should provide spiritual guidance.

[1036] I'm pretty sure my manager is an atheist.

[1037] I don't know if he has much of a moral code.

[1038] So I don't know, but yeah, this is up to Gavin Pallone.

[1039] He's going to have to handle this one.

[1040] So Gavin Pallone, if you're listening, I don't have your number anymore because you've done very little for me. But if you hear this, I want you to contact my brother Luke and make sure that you, you know, try and convince my goddaughter to stop worshiping Bielzebub.

[1041] You can't throw money at this.

[1042] You have to handle this personally.

[1043] You're failing as a godfather.

[1044] No, no, no. You can throw money at anything.

[1045] That's one thing I've learned.

[1046] And this is something that needs to be outsourced to my morally questionable vegan manager.

[1047] So he's going to handle this.

[1048] Hey, what does your manager wear?

[1049] What is your manager wear?

[1050] Oh, it's hilarious.

[1051] Starting about a year ago, my manager, Gavin Poulone, started wearing track suits.

[1052] And he just wears tracksuits all the time.

[1053] And I said this to me the other day.

[1054] I said, you know, he stays in really good shape.

[1055] He works out all the time.

[1056] He's very tall and lean.

[1057] And I think he's a little younger than I am.

[1058] I've been with him a long time.

[1059] We are, you know, good friends, whatever that means in this town.

[1060] and he wears track suits every single day.

[1061] He wears like these nice track suits they look kind of high end.

[1062] Yeah, they're very hip.

[1063] They're very hip.

[1064] Like sopranos kind of thing?

[1065] No, no, no, no. He's very lean and he wears these tracksuits.

[1066] Maybe he would be a good Godfather.

[1067] Yeah, but I said to him, I said to him the other day, I said, Gavin, you're always dressed like you're prepped for surgery.

[1068] That's what it looks like.

[1069] It looks like he's half an hour from having a colonoscopy, you know.

[1070] He drank the stuff last night.

[1071] Oh, not giving surgery, getting surgery.

[1072] Yeah, he's going in.

[1073] He's going in to get surgery.

[1074] He looks like he's prepped.

[1075] He spent last night drinking the stuff.

[1076] His colon's clean.

[1077] And now it's time for him to go in.

[1078] They're about to give him the prophyphal.

[1079] And he said, I'm going to wear a track suit because I'm going to be out for a while.

[1080] I should be dressed comfortably.

[1081] Instead, he's at these really important meetings, like big meetings that we're having.

[1082] And, yeah, he looks like he's just about to compete in the Olympics or have a camera shoved up his ass.

[1083] Don't you think, though, that's, like, kind of a power move?

[1084] I tried that for a bit.

[1085] I remember when I was starting out in the business early in the late night show, I wanted to project that I was a genius.

[1086] So there was about a year where if I went to meetings at NBC, I would wear feedy pajamas, you know, with little astronauts on them and a trap door near the ass.

[1087] And I just thought, this will project that I'm such a genius and that didn't work.

[1088] It didn't work at all.

[1089] And also, there's no traction in those things.

[1090] I slid around the floor a lot during meetings and lost their confidence.

[1091] Well, I think the lesson here is Brian Leonardo has dodged a serious bullet by not having Conan be your godfather.

[1092] Yeah, and Brian, I don't know what your story is.

[1093] I don't know where you are in the world.

[1094] If I had a satellite tracker, I would definitely say not the United States.

[1095] And I don't know what your scam is, but I'm on to you.

[1096] Yeah, and...

[1097] We'll find you.

[1098] We'll find you, Brian.

[1099] And make a better choice for Leonardo because I'm only godfather to one child right now and that child, you know, worships the dark lord.

[1100] And, you know, so clearly I'm not doing my job.

[1101] All right, well done.

[1102] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1103] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1104] executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1105] Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song.

[1106] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1107] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Bechton.

[1108] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1109] Got a question for Conan?

[1110] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1111] too could be featured on a future episode.

[1112] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1113] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.