#45 - Tom Green

[0] According to server right now.

[1] Lots to look at him in this room, too.

[2] Lots of skulls.

[3] Things we can...

[4] This is a video that someone did with Greg Geraldo, Greg Gerald doing stand -up and ranting while they played music in the background.

[5] For those you that didn't know, Greg Gerardo overdosed and today he died.

[6] Why is marijuana not legal?

[7] Why is marijuana not legal?

[8] It's a natural plan.

[9] that grows in the dirt.

[10] You know what's not natural?

[11] 80 -year -old dudes with hard -ons.

[12] That's not natural, but we got pills for that.

[13] We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the dirt.

[14] You know, we have more prescription drugs now.

[15] Every commercial on TV is a prescription drug at.

[16] I can't watch TV for four minutes and I think I have five serious diseases.

[17] Like, do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?

[18] Oh my God, I have this.

[19] Write this down.

[20] Whatever it is, I have it.

[21] Half the time, you don't even know what the commercial is.

[22] There's people running through fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean like that is the greatest disease ever how do you get that that disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy the schools now it's all about self -esteem in a school build a kid's self -esteem make them feel good about themselves if everybody grows up with high self -esteem who's going to dance in our strip clubs what's going to happen to our porno industry these women don't just grow on trees it takes lots of drunk daddy's missing a lot of dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for 50 bucks and if that disappears where does that leave me on a Friday with my new high -speed connection backpack then you get on the bus and you blow yourself up why do I have to blow myself up why don't I put who's the fucking mastermind here real you Americans let's face it we've been a spoiled country for a long time you know what the number one health risk in America is obesity obesity they say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic an epidemic like it's polio like we'll be telling our grandkids about it one day the great obesity epidemic of 2004 how to get through a grandpa oh it was horrible Johnny there was cheese cake and pork chops everywhere nobody knows why we're getting fatter look at our lifestyles i'll sit at a drive -thru i'll sit there for i'll sit there behind 15 other cars instead of getting up and making an eight -foot walk for the totally empty counter everything's mega meal supersized one biggie fries with that one a jumbo fry want to go large one of biggie fry one of 30 burgers for a nickel you fat mother's there's room in the bag take it want a 55 gallon drum of coke with that it's only three more cents sometimes you gotta suffer a little in your youth to motivate you to succeed later in life you think if bill gates got laid in high school do you think there'd be a Microsoft of force not you gotta spend a lot of time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start thinking i'm gonna take it with the world of computers you'll see i'll show him we're in one of the richest countries in the world and the minimum wage is lower now than it was 35 years ago there are homeless people everywhere this homeless guy asked me for money the other day i was about to give it to him and i thought he's just going to use it on drugs or alcohol and then i thought that's what i'm going to use it on why am i judging this poor bastard people love to judge homeless guys like you get him the money he's just going to waste it he's going to waste the money well he lives in a box what he wants him to do with it save it up and buy a wall unit take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack.

[23] He's homeless.

[24] I walked behind this guy the other day.

[25] A homeless guy asked him for money.

[26] He looks right at the homeless guy.

[27] He goes, why don't you go and get a job, you bum?

[28] People always say that to homeless guys, get a job like it's always that easy.

[29] This homeless guy would learn his underwear outside his pants.

[30] I'm guessing his resume ain't all up to date.

[31] I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.

[32] I'm pretty sure even McDonald's has an underwear go inside the pants policy.

[33] Not that they enforce it very strictly, but technically I'm sure it's on the books.

[34] So, if you didn't know, Greg Geraldo, very funny, very smart, very clever stand -up comedian, passed away, and they're talking about it on the news today, so I guess it's official.

[35] Sucks, sucks, what can you say?

[36] He was a very nice guy.

[37] I didn't know him that well.

[38] I knew, I was on news radio, he was on a show.

[39] I forget the name of it, but his set was right down the street from my set.

[40] So I hung out with him, you know, quite a few times, super friendly, very nice guy, very smart.

[41] you know he just uh i don't know what happened i know he had had some substance things in the past but uh i thought i don't know who knows i don't know if this was an accident if you know if he just was partying i don't know did you see him on the roast the hassle hoff roast no a lot of people noted something about him that seemed different than normal but what they say they seemed to be very coked up yeah that's what the quote unquote look and style was but i you know I wouldn't say that.

[42] I can't say that.

[43] I look coked up and I've never done coke ever.

[44] People always say, Rogan, get it, lay off the coke.

[45] You're all coked up.

[46] I've never even done coke once.

[47] I've never done coke.

[48] Tom Green is with us, ladies and gentlemen.

[49] If you don't know, the sound of this man's voice, to my right.

[50] Yeah, this is, this guy.

[51] Sort of a somber occasion to be here, but, and it was nice to be able to listen to some of his comedy today on this, obviously a sad occasion.

[52] He had some great stuff.

[53] He was a good dude.

[54] He was awesome on roasts, on roast he would destroy guys just perfectly where there was nothing they could the leery one oh my well the leery he did that to him on tough crowd yeah yeah that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen on video and he wasn't even an asshole about it he could have been way more of an asshole about it he was actually he did it with a lot of reserve you know he was a very nice guy it's been a tough year for Robert Schimmel just passed away as well you know I just Just, you know, can I change the topic now?

[55] Sure.

[56] I'm getting upset.

[57] To be honest, you're getting me upset.

[58] We have to say, thank our sponsor.

[59] We're sponsored by the fleshlight.

[60] Yes.

[61] Yeah, I know.

[62] First of all, this is cool to be here.

[63] It's exciting to be here.

[64] Thanks for having me up to the show.

[65] Thank you for being here, man. If it wasn't for you, I would have never even thought to have done this.

[66] When I went over your house, when you had me over your house for your show and he has, this is what we're doing here, we have like a couch, you have some microphones, we have a desk.

[67] that I bought at Z Gallery.

[68] Yeah, this is awesome.

[69] This is fucking as low rent as you can get.

[70] This is a little logic tech webcam.

[71] But Tom has like a serious, serious setup at his place.

[72] Yeah.

[73] His place is, don't be showing everybody our secrets, man. But this is a whole different system you guys have here, which is cool.

[74] It's cool to watch, and I'm seeing how you're broadcasting here.

[75] Our audio was terrible for the longest time, so we had to tighten it up.

[76] So people complained and we listened, so we went out and bought all this fucking crazy equipment, and we've got it down.

[77] Now we have new microphones.

[78] We just tried them yesterday.

[79] Oh, these are a new microphones.

[80] We used to use stage mics like the mics used for stand -up, which are great.

[81] SM -58, sure, SM -58.

[82] I don't remember the exact.

[83] But there's a silver one?

[84] Sure something.

[85] Sure.

[86] S -C -U -R -E -S -M -P -E -E -S -M -F -E -E -C -E.

[87] Look that up on Google, everybody.

[88] We are now on some audio technica microphones.

[89] That's right.

[90] They seem to be much better.

[91] These are actually for this.

[92] And this is like, on my show, I don't have the headphones, because we're trying to make it, like, it's not a radio show.

[93] So this is like a radio show.

[94] Sort of, because I did a radio show in college at Ottawa University at C -H -U -O -89 .1 FM.

[95] Look that up.

[96] There's an added element to the conversation when you hear each other's voices.

[97] You can hear your voice right there in your ear.

[98] It's like you're so you're sure.

[99] The secret is definitely the double cassette player that we use, though.

[100] Yeah.

[101] What's that?

[102] Double cassette player.

[103] Our secrets, you know.

[104] Our tech secrets of how we run this podcast.

[105] Oh, yeah.

[106] That is good.

[107] Yeah, laser disc players and double cassette.

[108] They're running on YouTube videos off on 8 track.

[109] Battery operated only.

[110] You don't want any interference.

[111] Yeah, it's very, what's the word?

[112] When something's all, helter -skelter.

[113] What's the word?

[114] Guerrilla.

[115] It's a smorgasbork of wires.

[116] It's a ridiculous pile of shit.

[117] We've slapped together with no previous knowledge.

[118] That's cool.

[119] You can see the evolution of the podcast like amoeba's becoming fish.

[120] You can watch the whole thing.

[121] We owe it all to Amazon too.

[122] Yeah, Amazon .com.

[123] I'm one click as a motherfucker.

[124] What do you need?

[125] We need one of these.

[126] Bam.

[127] But this is fun.

[128] Like I did, in college, I did my radio show, right?

[129] And it was a phone and show, and I'd go there every Friday night at midnight.

[130] It was called The Midnight Collar.

[131] I did this show for six years.

[132] Not even when I was in high school.

[133] And then after when I was in community college, I took television broadcasting at Algonquin College in Ottawa, Canada, named after the Algonquin Indians.

[134] Now, I've always been curious about television broadcasting.

[135] When you take a course like that, What do they have you do?

[136] Do you pretend to be like a newscaster?

[137] It was mostly, it's mostly technical, like it wasn't on camera.

[138] There was one on -camera course, but it was mostly like editing, video editing, lighting, photography, how to work a video camera, how to set all your technical stuff.

[139] And we had one broadcast news writing course, and we had some single camera video production and film type courses about like, you know.

[140] It was mostly technical.

[141] Well, mostly technical.

[142] It must be hard as fuck to keep up.

[143] Like, if you learn how to video edit from a few years ago, you know, if you graduated a few years ago, now you go to today.

[144] We were learning how to do it on three -quarter -inch video cassette, okay?

[145] The videotapes are this big.

[146] You put them in this bunch, John.

[147] I've seen those.

[148] And it's like, you know, two A -B -roll, two videotapes.

[149] Then we got high -eight, you know.

[150] This was before computers editing, computer editing, you know.

[151] They had avids and stuff, but not at the school.

[152] They were too expensive at that point.

[153] I edited it on paintbrush.

[154] Oh, yeah?

[155] I started off the paint brush.

[156] Did you really?

[157] We got movies on paint brush.

[158] It's unbelievable.

[159] What you can do now, right?

[160] That's what's so exciting about this.

[161] That's the most incredible thing.

[162] You can produce something, attach music to it, edit it.

[163] All on your phone.

[164] On your fucking phone, man. It's amazing.

[165] It's like we are in strange, strange times.

[166] Yeah, I'm getting the new iPhone within the next couple days just because my friend just got it and I'm jealous.

[167] Yeah, it's an envious.

[168] thing.

[169] That's the motherfucker of devices.

[170] He picks it up.

[171] He's shooting high -deaf video.

[172] You know, you can touch, have you seen it?

[173] Yeah, you touch the screen and, oh, you have one.

[174] Yeah, you touch the screen and oh, you got one already too.

[175] Now I'm jealous.

[176] Brian and I are super deeped out.

[177] You have one too?

[178] Oh my god, I'm total technology peaks.

[179] I have the oldest iPhone ever.

[180] Are you serious?

[181] Yeah, my iPhone is the old one.

[182] Oh, you got that thing has a crank on it, man. That thing runs on wood.

[183] Look at the resolution is like from this.

[184] The resolution is insane.

[185] The photos are insane.

[186] It's just amazing that we've got a device like that.

[187] You know?

[188] I've got a...

[189] That is like some serious Star Trek shit.

[190] It's slowly crept up on us from the Motorola Razor to a Microsoft office phones.

[191] And then when it gets to this iPhone, I mean, that is a fucking home computer.

[192] I can no longer be proud of this.

[193] This is the way I used to feel about this.

[194] Well, it's still look good.

[195] Now it's some old...

[196] As long as you keep the case on it.

[197] A lot of people...

[198] Can you swear on the show?

[199] Yeah, you can swear with a motherfucker.

[200] This is some old piece of shit.

[201] is what this is.

[202] That's the sad thing about technology and that's probably only a few months old, right?

[203] Yeah.

[204] This is two years old.

[205] They have soundboards.

[206] Have you played these soundboards?

[207] No. Oh, you know, I did.

[208] You have a sound board.

[209] The IMT pane download.

[210] I enjoy that.

[211] I enjoy doing the IMT pane app.

[212] We're talking obscure iPhone apps.

[213] Yeah, that's a good one.

[214] It's an auto tune.

[215] So you've always, from your time in broadcasting school to now, you've always been really involved in the technology of the technology of the behind -the -scenes stuff, you've always...

[216] You know, I kind of figured, I was when I was in high school and I thought it'd be fun to, you know, do a TV show someday, is basically what I thought.

[217] I was watching David Letterman at night, you know, and I was thinking, man, that would be the most fun thing to ever do, I was thinking, you know.

[218] You know, and little did I know, but that, no, no, it's a lot of fun doing this stuff.

[219] But the thing is, is, you know, sometimes, sometimes it's not some fun.

[220] But, you know, the thing is, is, you know, so I said, you know, no one's ever going to let me do a show.

[221] I'm going to have to go do a show at the public access station.

[222] We'll make her own show, you know.

[223] I went to school, learned how to make the videos, went to the public access station, started the show.

[224] Wow.

[225] Did it for seven years.

[226] Well, you became very popular because of your public access show.

[227] That's what got you started off.

[228] You're also a rap star, too, though.

[229] That's basically what got picked up by MTV was the public access show.

[230] And it had a Canadian rap group.

[231] Yeah, that was before the public access show.

[232] Yeah.

[233] I was one of, yeah, I was a kid.

[234] Yeah, rapping.

[235] Yeah, people, they see this man, and he's very white, and he has a beard, and he's very conservative, conservative -looking, very polite.

[236] You don't know, he's a badass rapper.

[237] Yeah, I love him.

[238] Tom Green can rap his fucking ass off.

[239] I was listening to you your shit today, man. Do you have anything on YouTube that you could throw up?

[240] I got it right here.

[241] Yeah, let me hear a Tom Green rap.

[242] I love rap music, man. I take shit for it.

[243] I make beats, and I also, see, that's the other thing.

[244] Before I started doing the video editing and wanted to do that, I make beats at home.

[245] So I had, like, my own little Atari computer hooked up to a Kai sampler and a keyboard.

[246] Is this it?

[247] Are you playing it right now?

[248] Oh, this is, you're playing something.

[249] It actually, it's kind of funny when you play music because we recorded this song, you know, 22 years ago or something like that.

[250] And we were kids, you know, in our teenagers.

[251] And this is us walking around down.

[252] downtown.

[253] When is you?

[254] Tell me when it's you.

[255] I'm the one in the red jacket.

[256] And I made the music, which is essentially a sample.

[257] And that's my friend Greg.

[258] Greg Campbell.

[259] And we...

[260] You guys are from Ottawa?

[261] Yeah, from Ottawa.

[262] And, uh...

[263] Yeah, so it was fun.

[264] We got a, we actually got a record deal when we were in high school.

[265] And the video, the song and the video was playing on TV and everything.

[266] It was a very, uh, exciting time for two young rappers from Ottawa.

[267] This video won the 1992 Much Music Video Award, CMVA Award.

[268] You performed live on the CMVA Awards, and I covered myself with shaving cream for no reason and got up in the lens of the camera, covered myself in shaving cream.

[269] So we weren't like the sort of hardcore.

[270] Have you autotune this yet?

[271] Have you tried to like remit?

[272] That's me rapping.

[273] See?

[274] Walking through the grocery store.

[275] Let me hear this.

[276] I love public enemy.

[277] But this is old, though.

[278] You got to hear my new shit.

[279] You got to hear my new shit.

[280] All right, where can we get some of you new shit?

[281] I don't know.

[282] It's probably flowing around.

[283] I don't know.

[284] No, this is the one to look at.

[285] This is the one to look at.

[286] This is really good, man. I've had a lot of fun, surprising rappers that have come on my web show.

[287] Actually, that's a funny clip you could show Oh, were you in...

[288] Who was it?

[289] Exhibit, yeah.

[290] Or, you know...

[291] Yeah, go to look at it on YouTube.

[292] Go to that.

[293] Just play a second.

[294] It's funny because he starts cracking up and sort of a funny moment, you know, where he's...

[295] So, did you initially want to be a rapper before you became a comedian?

[296] Not really, no, I was like I was in high school and I thought it was a fun thing to do on stage at the assemblies was, you know, you had to, a, you know, they had a band battle of the bands night, right?

[297] It was an excuse to get up on stage, so we made this rap group.

[298] I liked listening to it.

[299] You know, I was listening to, like, you know, nobody knew what rap music was in my high school.

[300] Everyone was listening to, you know, mainstream music.

[301] I was listening to Boogie Down Productions, NWA, Public Enemy, you know, which was not Tribe Called Quest.

[302] These groups weren't really mainstream yet on the radio in Canada, like in the 80s and 90s.

[303] But, but yeah, But you know what?

[304] I was thinking about this the other day.

[305] Rap music back then is kind of like it kind of provided what the Internet provides now, which is a glimpse into other parts of the world, other places.

[306] You know, here we were in Canada and we're listening to these songs coming out of New York, coming out of, you know, Boogie Down Productions of the South Bronx, and we're listening to them telling all these tales of life on the streets in the South Bronx, and you're listening to this, you're going on a cassette, you know, and you're listening to it, and your Walkman on the way to school, and, you know, criminal -minded.

[307] record and you're like oh man listen to these stories you know and so that's uh yeah i was thinking about that driving over here today it's kind of it's it's kind of sad because in a way that might be something that disappears from music now you know because of the internet you know maybe that's going to screw up music why let's not be negative well because we don't have to go to music now to get those kinds of you know story i guess we would listen to them on the internet yeah i think anything good is going to stick around yeah there's not going to be anything that's awesome that's going to go away you know everybody's like oh this is going to be the death of music how can anything be the death of music when everybody loves music.

[308] That's ridiculous.

[309] It's like, it'll be the death of comedy.

[310] I guess I just sort of more, I'm more curious to see how it'll affect it or how it'll evolve.

[311] It'll be good.

[312] Yeah.

[313] It'll be good.

[314] Yeah.

[315] Well, now there's so many more places that people who want to make music and just distribute their music to, right?

[316] So it's perfect.

[317] Some of the more people have access.

[318] It's perfect.

[319] Just us.

[320] The fact that we can do this, the fact that we can do this and just broadcast talking over the internet.

[321] This is just, you can, you can become famous from bands.

[322] That little kid, the one that sang that cover of the Lady Gaga song.

[323] Just and Oh, yeah, the one on Ellen.

[324] Ellen gave a record deal.

[325] Fucking, that was brilliant, dude.

[326] That was like some, that gave me goosebumps.

[327] I listened to that kid's saying, it gave me goosebumps.

[328] I made my whole family listen to it.

[329] I was like, this is incredible.

[330] This kid's so fucking talented.

[331] And he's in a, he's in a high school, like not even, was it even high school?

[332] Yeah.

[333] No, it was like a middle school.

[334] And what was cool about the video was it was all girls listening in the background.

[335] You could see the girls were into it.

[336] They were crushing.

[337] They were crushing on him.

[338] That was cool.

[339] They couldn't help themselves.

[340] They were like, they were a little moistening while they were sitting up.

[341] They're like 13.

[342] It was interesting.

[343] This one girl was going, oh, my God.

[344] Yeah.

[345] They couldn't believe it, you know?

[346] That's sort of the...

[347] That we have to play.

[348] Play that, man. Find that shit and play it.

[349] That's sort of the...

[350] We don't...

[351] We're not going to play the whole thing for people like, what is this the fucking music show.

[352] Is it on Ellen?

[353] Yeah, you know what?

[354] Fuck, go find it yourself.

[355] That's the dream in high school, though.

[356] To get up on stage...

[357] Wasn't on Ellen.

[358] Say something or do something that everybody in the entire school, you know, is staring at you like Michael J. Fox in the back to the future playing the guitar on the stage.

[359] Like, you're from outer space or something.

[360] What a weird pressure that is for children to want to stand out like that.

[361] Like, that's got to be so strange for kids.

[362] I don't remember the feeling myself, but if you wanted to be some sort of an actor or something, and you were 10, and you were in school, and you saw some girl that was on a show, and she was 10, and you're like, what the fuck?

[363] How come I can't be on that show?

[364] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[365] That's a terrible way to be raising kids.

[366] Yeah.

[367] Thinking about getting the most attention possible for almost nothing, like instantaneously become famous.

[368] So everything that your parents, you know, all the character that gets developed from hard work.

[369] That's all nonsense.

[370] I made it already.

[371] Bang!

[372] Shut up.

[373] 14 and made it.

[374] Yeah.

[375] They put too much pressure on people, huh?

[376] Look at Lindsay Lohan.

[377] Especially in this day and age now where, yeah, you're seeing it.

[378] It's in your face all the time, you know, man. You could swear, dude.

[379] All the fucking time, man, they're shoving this shit down our fucking throats.

[380] Okay.

[381] It's true.

[382] But we're shoving it down our own throats.

[383] We have to get upset.

[384] The strangest thing about Hollywood is that Hollywood's tricking the very people that make it.

[385] Yeah.

[386] You know, there's the grand conspiracy theory is that, like, man, you know, Hollywood is trying to condition us to be like subservient to our government, man, and be patriotic.

[387] But no, Hollywood is giving you what you want to see.

[388] Hollywood's giving you what you want to see, and they're doing what they like to.

[389] They're making the kind of stupid shit that they like to watch.

[390] You know, it's like the people that are creating it are just as much of a victim of the conditioning as the people that they're selling it to.

[391] People don't realize that.

[392] They think it's some grand scheme.

[393] No, supply and demand.

[394] Yeah.

[395] People want to see sex tapes and then see the people go do shows and watch their lives and sort of see everything and know everything, right?

[396] Do you watch Jersey Shore?

[397] I've seen it.

[398] I've only seen it once, but I enjoyed it a lot.

[399] I found it very, I laughed a lot watching the show.

[400] And I can see why people watch, and those guys are like pretty funny too, right?

[401] I guess.

[402] I've only seen it once.

[403] They're hamming it up to the camera.

[404] They're having a good time.

[405] Yeah, you're watching people, you know, you're being voyeuristic, right, into a completely different world.

[406] I'm so stuck with the jaded with the hills, though, and everything like that.

[407] I don't buy the Jersey Shore.

[408] Like, I almost think everything's fake now on the MTV.

[409] Well, apparently it's all set up, but I don't care.

[410] It's encouraging bad behavior.

[411] There's still, even if it's fake, it's like these people, like, wow, you watch it.

[412] It's like watching a National Geographic special on some fucking tribe that they found in the jungle.

[413] Yeah.

[414] It doesn't even seem like humans.

[415] Yeah.

[416] I mean, but it's pretty funny, man. And all they're trying to do is get their dicks up.

[417] Yeah.

[418] It's really kind of funny because it's real.

[419] It's real.

[420] I mean, that really is what that guy's doing.

[421] He's just trying to fucking hit it every night.

[422] Different girls all over the place.

[423] He's showing you his abs and he's going to clubs and girls are going.

[424] I mean, it's working.

[425] You know, it's working.

[426] He's pulling it off and it's working.

[427] I think the thing that's bizarre about all the reality TV, though, is not to overanalyze it.

[428] I guess maybe I'd be overanalyzing at that point.

[429] But we were talking about my broadcasting course.

[430] They taught us about, you know, documentation and making documentary.

[431] We had a documentary filmmaking course.

[432] And they talk about, when you put a camera on something, right, it changes what you're filming, right?

[433] So you can never really make a true documentary of anything.

[434] Because as soon as you put the camera on it, it's going to change what's going on.

[435] Like in this case, you put the camera on all these kids in the Jersey Shore, right?

[436] And they're like, okay, we've got to go crazy for the camera.

[437] So they go getting in fights.

[438] They're doing all this stuff.

[439] That's true.

[440] So then it's going to, and then people are going to watch that, and it's going to get worse and then people are going to have to get more fights.

[441] People are going to start, you know, we're going to have snuff film, television.

[442] Well, it's, nah.

[443] I don't think we'll ever, nah.

[444] Yeah.

[445] People don't want to see that kind of negative stuff.

[446] They want to be fascinated by closed doors.

[447] Blood orgy.

[448] Total recall.

[449] Faces of death.

[450] They want the couple to make out and then close the door.

[451] That's what they wanted to stop.

[452] Yeah.

[453] It's all fascinating to me, man, because it's so easy to change behavior by just putting a camera on it.

[454] If that's really the case, if all you have to do is add a camera, add the fact that other people are going to get to see it and it changes everything.

[455] No, they're still doing this.

[456] Even if they're faking it and acting it out, I don't care.

[457] They're still doing all this stuff on the show.

[458] And to me, look, it's like some sort of a National Geographic special.

[459] It really is.

[460] Yeah.

[461] I want to watch it more.

[462] Yeah, I can't help myself.

[463] I have to watch it more.

[464] So it really is.

[465] So, yeah, they think they just get used to the camera, and that's just the way they would be living life.

[466] I grew up with people like that.

[467] They're chimps.

[468] Yeah.

[469] They're chimps, and they're everywhere.

[470] There's a bunch of chimps out there with gold chains on.

[471] Yeah.

[472] And they're just out there running around, not giving a fuck about how the world works.

[473] So that's just, that's exactly what it's like on the jersey.

[474] Yeah.

[475] There's, I knew dudes from back when I was.

[476] in high school that did not give a fuck how the world works yeah all they wondered did they worked they did like they were electricians they would work and then when they get off work they'd want to get fucked up and go get late and they didn't know anything they didn't know what was going on they had no idea didn't give a fuck didn't pay attention what am i gonna do my fall fucking politics we'll go out and get my dick suck come on what am i gonna do here what am i gonna do am i foul politics yeah that shit ain't real yo that shit ain't real i grew up with dudes like that so when i see like them putting cameras on people like that i go oh no They gave these savages a fucking camera.

[477] They gave them air time.

[478] Actually, now I'm starting to, I'm a little bit mad at myself that I haven't watched it more.

[479] I think I've been withdrawing a little bit from television.

[480] Me too.

[481] Last couple years.

[482] Purposely not watching anything other than CNN, actually, is pretty well.

[483] I'm all right.

[484] I don't even watch American Idol because everybody watched it.

[485] I don't watch that.

[486] I don't watch that anymore.

[487] I used to like watching the people suck in the beginning.

[488] But then I get, then I'm like, what's wrong with you?

[489] you sick fuck you want to watch people fail yeah i was like how how's that fun you know every now and then you see one that's brilliant well guess what i'll find that one on youtube okay you know tell me some amazing thing like that susan day what was her name the one who could really sing yeah susan uh susan boyle boyle susan boy yeah i mean that was that was fascinating i mean that was that was really incredible i mean she had an amazing voice but how many hours do i have to sit through of bullshit before i get to that yeah and it was the yeah and it was the perfect moment and it was just sort of the perfect, perfect thing that happened in the area.

[490] But, you know, to me, the thing is, I don't like the...

[491] I used to like the beginning when they were, you know, fucking up, too, at the beginning, and they're making fools of themselves at the beginning.

[492] But now it seems like the people coming in are coming in a purpose to be bad.

[493] Oh, you know, I don't know.

[494] I can't watch that anymore.

[495] And then now the music all sucks on the radio now, because it all comes out of that same thing, right?

[496] All the music now...

[497] Doesn't all suck, man?

[498] It's all coming out of that same funnel.

[499] It's like, oh, we got to do a really good Jefferson airplane impression, you know?

[500] You think so?

[501] I can't stand the new music.

[502] There's always good stuff, man. You just got to find it.

[503] There's just so much stuff.

[504] Well, that's the problem.

[505] See, I don't know how to find it.

[506] I agree.

[507] I know there is good stuff because there is good stuff that I find in here sometimes.

[508] But just going through life now, like when you're walking, you're in an elevator, you're walking through a mall or you're listening to the radio or the mainstream stuff.

[509] It's all this shit.

[510] Yeah, that's true.

[511] You don't, and you have to, you know, I don't listen to college radio anymore.

[512] I don't know what the station is.

[513] And so I don't know how to find the cool underground stuff.

[514] Do you do Pandora at all?

[515] Yeah, I did.

[516] I do do that, but I don't know what to type into a search.

[517] It's your favorite people.

[518] You know what you're in high, when you're in school and stuff and you're around people, but I'm in my living room.

[519] You know what really sucks, man. The loss of the DJ.

[520] The loss of the DJ, the DJ to me is one of the things I miss the most about the radio, about growing up and listening to the radio.

[521] I would listen to guys and listen to the shit that they like to listen to.

[522] Yeah.

[523] They were cool guys.

[524] And they would, like, there was Charles Lockwoodera was this guy who used to do the big mattress show on, I think it was WBCN, BCN or COZ, back in Boston.

[525] And it was like this morning show where he would go on and it was a comedy show and they would fuck around but he would play songs too.

[526] You know, and he played the shit that he wanted to hear.

[527] Yeah, and you're like, that guy's funny.

[528] I like that guy's point of view.

[529] That's the music he likes.

[530] There was this guy, Mark Porento.

[531] Mark Porento was the afternoon DJ and, you know, he was like a big supporter of comedy too.

[532] He always did like comedy competitions and shit.

[533] And he would play the shit that he wanted to hear.

[534] And, like, you've got a sense of what this cool guy likes this music, you know, and tell you, you know, why he likes this song, what's so badass about it, check it out.

[535] Bam, and he plays it.

[536] And it's like, you're having a, that's a show.

[537] That's a show.

[538] What they're doing now is just sticking all sorts of songs that they think they can get you to pay attention to together.

[539] And then, you know, they throw them in there.

[540] There's no one, it's no one personality behind it.

[541] It's not, there's no dude who's showing you shit.

[542] I don't think the radio DJs really have much of a choice in what they put on their air anymore.

[543] they don't they're just kind of there they're a voice you know there's an art to being a true fan of the music and going out there and listening to different stuff and collecting your own you know your own favorites and saying look at this cool shit that i got yeah that's what i missed that's what i'm trying to say i miss right there because it's like now you listen to the radio it's all been focus group tested out this is this this sounds like this this is the so -and -so for american idol american idol this sounds like american idol this all sounds like a and it all sounds the same to me brian and i have very similar taste now now i sound like an old guy right because I just turned 39 years old.

[544] I just turned 39.

[545] You don't sound like an old guy.

[546] Yeah, one year, but, you know, from 40.

[547] And I'm starting to sound like my dad saying, none of the music today is good.

[548] It's not like it was back when I was a kid.

[549] Everybody says that.

[550] But there's good stuff.

[551] You just have to find it.

[552] It's just hard to do.

[553] Brian and I have very similar taste, and Brian is always finding me cool shit.

[554] He's always finding, he's like, he's an internet fiend.

[555] So he's always connecting.

[556] I always look forward to it.

[557] New cool shit is fun, man. There's a lot of it out there.

[558] It's just there's so much to see.

[559] sift through.

[560] There's so much data.

[561] Pandora helps me the most.

[562] And, you know, just being at a club and hearing a really good DJ and I'll hook up the Kazam, Shazam or whatever.

[563] And then that shit finds me some crazy.

[564] Shazam, if you don't know, if you don't have that program on your phone, it's the most incredible thing, you wouldn't even believe it's real.

[565] You hold your phone up to a speaker that plays the song, and it tells you what the song is, and it lets you buy it on your phone.

[566] Sound Snap actually lets you hum a song.

[567] So you'd be like, bann -a -d -d -d -d - You know.

[568] I told that to Eddie, and he's like, that's impossible.

[569] is he's trying to tell me about music chords and this and that and that and this I'm like I'm telling you they do it that's what it is it's just waveforms you know that's what it does it takes the song it makes it a waveform like a picture like a JPEG and it just puts it in a database analyzes it yeah analyze it and it's like matching fingerprints it's like it's actually pretty brilliant how it works and it's not that big of a deal if it's pretty easy are we even gonna know when the computers take over are we even going to know we're not even going to know no they're just gonna They're going to take over so quick.

[570] Dave.

[571] Started with the TI -81, I think.

[572] What are you doing, Dave?

[573] It's real.

[574] Hell.

[575] Remember how?

[576] Would you like to play a game?

[577] Analyze it in seconds and tell you what the song is.

[578] Listen to it, analyze it, break it down to a piece of data, and then spit it back at you with options to purchase it, all in seconds.

[579] Yeah.

[580] And they can do it for, you know, practically every fucking song there is out there.

[581] I've never had it failing me once.

[582] You ever had it failing it?

[583] Once, but it was also like a remix version, so it was another shit mixed up with So this is just, you hear a song, you like it, you want to know what it is, you've pulled Shazam up, it tells you what it is, downloads it and buys it for you without even asking it.

[584] You could just start playing it in your car.

[585] Seconds later, if your car's Bluetooth, bam, it's playing in your car.

[586] That's amazing.

[587] I want bum -bum song?

[588] Because it's like when I was, you know, when I was, you know, doing my rap group back then I was a teenager, you was all, back then it was all about sampling loops, right?

[589] So you'd find, you'd hear loops of music, breaks of music.

[590] So we'd go into the radio station all the time, always looking for, like, cool beat breaks and stuff.

[591] So you hear that, you'd always hear stuff, and you wouldn't know what, you know, what it was, and you do that, but they don't, but you know, let me ask you a question.

[592] Can I ask you a question?

[593] Please.

[594] Okay, because I, uh, I've noticed you have a lot of Buddhas around the house, right?

[595] Yeah.

[596] It's that okay if I say?

[597] Sure.

[598] Yeah.

[599] Um, because I had a Buddha and, uh, I, I, I, I really like them a lot.

[600] I had one at my house, okay?

[601] It was when I, when I, when I, when I, when I got my house, it was there already.

[602] I didn't get the Buddha.

[603] The Buddha was there already.

[604] It was a fountain.

[605] Right.

[606] Because on a pole, it was a big fountain.

[607] It was about, the size of, you know, that poster there.

[608] Big concrete fountain.

[609] And I had a meeting one day with a television executive at my house, okay?

[610] And we went up on the roof of my house and we had a meeting, just a discussion, having a beer, talking about some ideas, television ideas.

[611] And we hear this enormous crash, we go down and the Buddha has just, for whatever reason, the pole is on, this metal pole, is smashed, It has fallen.

[612] It is smashed into a million pieces and gone into my swimming pool.

[613] Oh, that sucks.

[614] And I'm looking at it, and I'm just thinking, okay, apart from, like, I really miss the thing.

[615] Is that a sign of something?

[616] No. Okay, good.

[617] No, it's not.

[618] Like, swimming.

[619] If it was a Donald Duck statue, it still would have fallen.

[620] So it's just, there's no magical property to having a Buddha in your house.

[621] No, to me. It's just a thing, a nice thing to look at.

[622] I am fascinated by ancient Asian artwork.

[623] Okay.

[624] fascinated by Buddhas and Thai Buddhas and the fact that they've, you know, looked that way for hundreds and thousands of years and all these different people depict these things in different artistic ways.

[625] And that the Buddha is a character of peace, you know, the idea of these Thai Buddhas to me means, to me, it's a beautiful artistic representation of enlightenment.

[626] Yeah.

[627] It's calming, too, to look at it, right?

[628] Yeah, I like it.

[629] I like them.

[630] I love their artwork.

[631] I love shivas.

[632] I love Hindu artwork.

[633] I love a lot of Thai artwork.

[634] Some of the most fascinating stuff, it's one of the coolest things about living in L .A. is that you have access to all these importers.

[635] Right.

[636] And they import this really a lot of this beautiful hand -carved stuff from Thailand.

[637] Would you guys ever have a mummy?

[638] Like a real mummy?

[639] Mummy in my house?

[640] Like a dead guy?

[641] No, I'm not down with that.

[642] Like wrapped up like...

[643] Would you?

[644] No, it's morbid, man. It's like why.

[645] I mean, I guess if you wanted to like have it in glass like in a room somewhere and shit but it's a weird it's a weird message you're sending i just don't like this uh smell of embalming fluid what if it was airtight it's something that's always bothered me embalming fluid have you ever heard of self mummification no self mummification was a practice is and it's been done several times by uh these monks and one of the things they do is they eat nothing but uh very very lean foods they eat like seeds and nuts and they go through rigorous exercise routines for like three years where they virtually strip their body of all it's fat and then they start drinking this this crazy tonic that's it's like semi -poisonous it doesn't kill them but it fucks them up nice and slowly and it keeps maggots from growing on them get this then they climb into a sarcophagus when after they've done this for a while so their body's like ready to go they climb in this sarcophagus and they close the lid on them and there's just an airhole and a bell it's like that stays in the lotus position.

[646] It's like that new movie with...

[647] He stays in the lotus position with the air hole in the bell and every day, if he's alive, he rings the bell.

[648] And the day that he doesn't ring the bell, they seal the coffin up and then he's in there for good and he's mummified.

[649] What?

[650] Self -mumification.

[651] Why do they do that now?

[652] Because they're fucking nuts.

[653] Yeah.

[654] Where are these guys?

[655] Are they still doing this today?

[656] Yeah.

[657] Is this legal?

[658] Is your self -mummumification porn?

[659] It's laws.

[660] Who's laws?

[661] Yeah.

[662] Where are they doing it?

[663] I believe it's in Tibet.

[664] Oh my gosh.

[665] This is outrageous.

[666] You should actually stop this.

[667] Is there a video?

[668] I don't know.

[669] Start a campaign to stop this crap.

[670] Brian, why don't you Google self -mumification?

[671] I know, because I know that it's something that has been done.

[672] They have these mummies, man, and they've taken the lids off their sarcophagus and they're in the lotus position, man. With their fucking robes on and their mummies, it is the creepiest thing.

[673] That's dedication to whatever it is that you're doing it for.

[674] Fuck, they're taking it to the next level, man. Total dedication.

[675] They're poisoning the maggots.

[676] Okay?

[677] How about that?

[678] They're taking some shit that kills the maggots.

[679] Now, by the way, I'm reading this on the internet.

[680] Who knows how much of this is true?

[681] It says it's a form of suicide.

[682] So let me ask you this.

[683] It takes years, man. There is a lot of stuff on the internet that we read that is not true, and that is true.

[684] Now, you were talking about the UFOs last night at your show, which was hilarious, by the way, and it was great running India over there.

[685] Yeah, we ran into each other at a club, Jay Davis.

[686] is doing this little club.

[687] What was it called?

[688] The parlor?

[689] The parlor, yeah.

[690] On Melrose.

[691] So, fun, a nice little place, but the AC was out.

[692] It was whack.

[693] It was really cool crowd.

[694] Because even though it was like a fucking hundred degrees in there, like literally, it was at least 100 degrees in the road.

[695] I fucking drink like crazy.

[696] I was so high.

[697] I had like eight years.

[698] It was the crowd was very polite.

[699] I felt like I was imposing.

[700] Talking to them, I felt like, I felt bad.

[701] I felt like I was doing something by making them sit there and watch me. No, no, no. It was hilarious.

[702] It was awesome.

[703] It was a great surprise.

[704] I didn't know you were coming out.

[705] We've been, you know, we haven't seen each other in a couple of years.

[706] I have a bunch of questions I want to ask you because I've started trying to do stand -up comedy this year.

[707] I've been doing it this year.

[708] You have been doing it.

[709] I have been doing it.

[710] I have been doing it.

[711] I've been doing it all over the world.

[712] I've been going to all over the world.

[713] I'm not trying to do it.

[714] I'm doing it.

[715] I'm sorry.

[716] I'm sorry for you.

[717] No, yeah, yeah.

[718] Yeah, it's a whole, a whole new world, isn't it?

[719] It's a very, but I want to ask you some questions about that.

[720] But yeah, so I'll ask you right now, I guess.

[721] Go for it.

[722] Or we're going to talk a bit more about the show.

[723] show last night.

[724] Well, the show last night was a lot of fun.

[725] Bill Burr went up and did a bunch of new shit.

[726] Oh, and Bill Burr's Comedy Central special airs again this October 1st, I believe it is.

[727] Fucking hilarious, dude.

[728] Very fun.

[729] If you haven't seen it, check it out, and it'll be good for him, too.

[730] He really wants to get ratings in this thing because he wants to do more of them.

[731] And if you're a fan of stand -up comedy, Bill Burr's one of the best.

[732] He's one of the best guys out there today.

[733] There's very few guys that, like, consistently nail it the way he does.

[734] He's really good.

[735] He's a really, really good comic.

[736] I went down there to see Bill last night, because I met him at the Montreal Comedy Festival, and this is what's been fun about doing stand -up as I'm getting to go to a comedy festival, and hang out with a bunch of funny people.

[737] Everyone's having a good time.

[738] You know, I saw Doug Stanhope up at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

[739] He had this awesome party in a car wash. You know, it was like, it was good times.

[740] Well, he calls it just for spite, and he does it opposing the actual...

[741] Right, right.

[742] He needs a camera man. That's right.

[743] He's not part of the festival.

[744] He needs a red band.

[745] And this was this whole sort of controversial thing that was going on up there, But it was actually quite funny because he had this amazing party and this car wash right across the street.

[746] Was it really great?

[747] Yeah, it was really cool.

[748] What was it like?

[749] Well, so it's the bar closed, right?

[750] And then it's like, okay, well, the bar at the hotel closed.

[751] And then everyone said, well, you know, Doug Stanhope's having a party in the car wash across the street.

[752] What?

[753] We walk out across the street.

[754] And now it's, you know, three in the morning now, right?

[755] So those bars are closed.

[756] We walk across the street, literally right across the street from the hotel, the main hotel for the festival.

[757] There's this, like the smallest car wash, you know, It's got the garage, hoses everywhere.

[758] And it was just, you know, buckets of beer, and we were there to like seven in the morning or something like that.

[759] Wow, that's good times.

[760] Lots of people, a couple hundred people in there in this car wash. That's awesome.

[761] So you just put together a party.

[762] Yeah, it was really good.

[763] Awesome move.

[764] But what happens if people drive drunk and stuff?

[765] I don't think any of them drive.

[766] I think they're all taxis and stuff.

[767] Really?

[768] Yeah.

[769] That's a nice move.

[770] You know, the thing that's cool about it is like, you know, so we go over there.

[771] I'm at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

[772] and I met Bill Burr, and he came and saw my show.

[773] And then last night I thought, I'm going to go see Bill's show, go see Bill's show.

[774] You pop out on stage unexpectedly.

[775] Next thing you know, I'm up here at your house.

[776] We're drinking cups of coffee, delicious coffee, and doing some Webbo vision here.

[777] It's pretty cool.

[778] It is cool.

[779] We've talked on Twitter a couple of times.

[780] I've said, hey, you know, Joe, check this out.

[781] I'm on the road.

[782] I sent you a couple of my trailers from my stand -up.

[783] Very funny stuff, man. You can see them on tomgreen .com.

[784] Go on tom green .com.

[785] Have a look at some of the trailers of the touring around doing this.

[786] And for the folks on iTunes, it's Tom Green Live.

[787] If you want to find them on Twitter, go at Tom Green Live, because they can't see this.

[788] Absolutely.

[789] At Tom Green Live is my Twitter.

[790] You still releasing that movie?

[791] Pranksters?

[792] Yeah.

[793] Prankster, yeah.

[794] We're working on that one still.

[795] Cool.

[796] I can't wait for that, man. What is pranksters about?

[797] I've been waiting.

[798] Well, it's kind of, it's kind of a. It's kind of a top secret.

[799] It's not finished.

[800] Okay.

[801] Oh, I'm finished.

[802] I'm sorry.

[803] Well, it's not top secret.

[804] But I can't really tell you what's about because I'm not sure I even know yet because we're still kind of in the process of finishing it.

[805] Cool, cool, cool.

[806] Yeah, I want you to do more movies, man. I really enjoyed Freddie Got Fingered.

[807] Oh, yeah, thanks.

[808] Yeah, yeah, thank me. You went out there with that, man. You took a crazy chance.

[809] Yeah.

[810] I think it shocked a lot of people.

[811] They didn't know what to do with it because it was so out there.

[812] But, dude, it was one of the ultimate stoner movies.

[813] If you're a stoner, go get Freddy.

[814] people like, you know, a lot of people haven't really heard enough good reviews of it.

[815] It's really fucking funny.

[816] I did it a girl like just quoted that all day.

[817] Dude, that scene with the baby, when the giving birth, it's fucking, I don't want to say anymore, I don't want to ruin it.

[818] I don't want to ruin it at all.

[819] It's sort of very similar in a way to your comedy, but you know, no, well, let me tell you, the thing, the thank you for saying that because the thing is, you know, when you get thrust into this situation where all of a sudden I had an opportunity to make a movie, you know, to write, I wrote it, obviously was trying to make the stupidest, movie we could think of, right?

[820] Let's make it the stupidest thing ever.

[821] And then, you know, the studio at the time I had all this opportunity to make this.

[822] They said, okay, they had all these directors.

[823] I said, I want to direct it too.

[824] So then they let me direct it.

[825] So now I'm, you know, swinging bloody babies around and, you know, jacking off elephants and stuff and, you know, getting inside deer carcasses and doing all this stuff, right?

[826] And then, you know, you're working on this thing for like a year, right?

[827] You know, you're working on this thing for a year, nonstop, you know, you're casting it, you're picking all the props.

[828] You're making sure, oh, the guts that come out of that deer carcass look like rubber to me. And then the prop guy's like, well, we're going to put some blood on it.

[829] And I go, well, let's see what that looks like.

[830] And they do it.

[831] And you look at it.

[832] And you're like, no, it still looks like some rubber.

[833] We've got to get some real guts.

[834] And they're like, well, we don't know how we're going to make real guts come out of the carcass when you cut it.

[835] And then they go off.

[836] And these are like people that are professionals, you know, and they go off.

[837] And they come back the next day.

[838] And they go, okay, we've rigged up this compressed air that we're going to put in the back of the taxidermy deer.

[839] You're going to run your knife down the slit.

[840] It's going to shoot out real pig guts that we've got at the butcher shop.

[841] And then I'm draped in pig guts and I'm doing all this stuff.

[842] You're doing all this stuff, right?

[843] And you're thinking, okay, this is crazy.

[844] This is going to look crazy.

[845] Then the movie comes out.

[846] Everybody, like, you know, basically, you know, reams you, like, you know, you've never been reamed before in your life at this point.

[847] You know, I mean, local papers and people.

[848] And you feel completely kind of confused about it, right?

[849] Because you're thinking, shit, I thought, was pretty fucking funny.

[850] I don't know what's wrong with me, right?

[851] So then, but the, the fun thing about it is after that initial weekend and the whole sort of everybody talking about your movie being, you know, crazy and, you know, disgusting and all this stuff, you know, I've been on tour this year doing stand -up and it's been so much fun because there's a lot of nut jobs out there in the world that like that love the movie and they're, and it's part of my show now and when I do my stand -up.

[852] I do a little guitar at my show in the middle and I sing a couple, like Daddy, would you like some sausage?

[853] I sing that with the everybody sings it with me and then people start shouting out some of their favorite bits but I'm surprised I went all across Australia Canada next month I'm going to be in Toronto Belleville Hamilton and London Ontario and people come to the shows and you know are shouting out all these things from Freddie got figured It feels a lot I guess what I'm saying is thanks for bringing it up Well this is what I think It feels so great to be out and actually getting all this positive feedback about the movie because I was made to feel like I murdered somebody.

[854] No, this is what I think, man. I think you were a victim of a pre -internet review system.

[855] It was a bunch of foggy old douchebags and, you know, the way people looked at things was, you know, you couldn't just, what year was Freddie got fingered?

[856] It was 2001, yeah.

[857] Who the fuck was on the internet back then?

[858] You know what I'm saying?

[859] It wasn't the same as 2010.

[860] And the thing is...

[861] 2010, you get your reviews from ain't it cool.

[862] News .com, like that kind of shit.

[863] Like, I always go to Fandango or something.

[864] I get my reviews online.

[865] I want to use this moment as a real opportunity.

[866] for me to actually talk about this for a second.

[867] I directed this movie.

[868] I wrote this whole thing.

[869] Everybody freaks out on it.

[870] It's pre -internet, right?

[871] The other day, I went and I looked at Netflix, okay, at the reviews of the movies, right?

[872] So I did this just two days ago, and I looked at the reviews of Freddy got fingered.

[873] The point of making that movie was to kind of like be polarizing, right?

[874] It was supposed to...

[875] Be ridiculous.

[876] It was done in a way where I think that 50 % of the people who watch it are definitely going to hate it more than anything they've ever seen in their entire life.

[877] Right.

[878] And that was the goal to, you know, and the joke is obviously that the other 50 % of the people are laughing at the 50 % of the people that hate it.

[879] And that's the joke, right?

[880] So I went on Netflix and you're reading the reviews and it's pretty much 50 -50 people are giving it either, you know, a good review or the worst review you've ever read in your life back and forth, back and forth.

[881] And these people are just arguing with each other about it.

[882] And I'm looking at it, here we are 10 years later after I made this thing.

[883] I'm looking at these people having these passionate arguments completely on opposite.

[884] ends of the spectrum that's pretty funny I like that go read the reviews on the sequel I really truly believe that if that movie came out today it would be an internet phenomenon people would be so into it I think it's it was a fucking fun crazy movie make a 3D well I'm hoping to make another movie this year since since you asked about the movies I'm hoping to make another movie this year which is going to be called insane prank movie yeah and it's going to be just a bunch of crazy prank street stuff but you know it's going to be sort of a Well, don't get beat up, man. I've been hearing, you're telling me you're getting in fights.

[885] What's going on?

[886] Oh, yes, that's right.

[887] I've been in two fights.

[888] You're a grown man. I will not get in a...

[889] I was defending myself both times.

[890] What happened?

[891] I was attacked both times.

[892] By who?

[893] I was by strangers.

[894] Both times.

[895] For what reason?

[896] Well, the first time, I was attacked.

[897] Where did this take place?

[898] It was about two years ago.

[899] uh in new york city and um did the guy know you were tom green the he was he was somebody who was somebody i don't know i don't know he was somebody who was a acquaintance of somebody who i knew and now i'm now i'm starting to get worried about getting into the details because what really happened was quite intense quite intense why you're worried about getting into well because you know i don't know i just thinking now of a sudden i've never really talked about this on the radio isn't that be kind of weird what's weird when you get in a fight with you beat somebody up tom green No, he, he, I was punched in the head and I retaliated.

[900] Right.

[901] And then did you whip that ass?

[902] You know, did you get all up in there, beat that ass?

[903] Essentially, yes, essentially yes.

[904] Yes.

[905] I was not heard.

[906] You probably shouldn't give out the details because, you know.

[907] Yeah.

[908] Yeah, I just don't.

[909] You might get sued.

[910] You're Tom Green.

[911] Well, you know, I was, somebody punched me in the head and, and so I had to kind of kind of thing, kind of thing.

[912] But then the other.

[913] Very solid jaw.

[914] Take a good shot.

[915] Right there, right there.

[916] I had a bump the next day.

[917] It was, it was, it was, did you gray out?

[918] Or did you.

[919] stand your ground.

[920] I was actually sitting down.

[921] He punched you when you were sitting down?

[922] What did you do?

[923] Were you getting blown by his girlfriend?

[924] I was sitting beside his girlfriend.

[925] You were?

[926] Yeah, or some girl that he knew.

[927] But I wasn't really you know, I was also with a girl who was my friend who was sitting beside me on this side and we were all friends or she was friends with them.

[928] But anyways, this is the point.

[929] Let's move past that.

[930] The point is...

[931] You got in fights.

[932] I got in a fight.

[933] So then the second time around, okay?

[934] You're a veteran by now.

[935] You're ready to throw down.

[936] And this is actually something I can ask you about for advice on this, because this is about controlling your temper, right?

[937] This is about when somebody comes at you and you know, you are a fighter so you know about this stuff, right?

[938] I don't know about this stuff.

[939] But what happened?

[940] You go into this sort of post -traumatic stress disorder kind of everything goes in slow motion.

[941] Well, you know, that's one of the best things about learning martial arts is that you become confident in your ability to defend yourself.

[942] You might not always be able to defend yourself.

[943] You might, there might be guns and weapons and all, but you're not going to feel completely helpless.

[944] You're going to feel like you have at least confidence if you have a chance you can do something.

[945] Whereas a person who doesn't know how to fight at all and has no experience, it's such a paralyzing feeling when you, in the presence of violence, I mean, you just want to cover up in a ball.

[946] You just want to try to protect yourself.

[947] You don't know what to do.

[948] So this first occasion happened.

[949] That's a bad feeling.

[950] This first occasion happened, cut to three months, maybe six months later, I'm walking down sunset outside Mel's Diner.

[951] Just got the stitches taken out.

[952] Yeah.

[953] And somehow for some reason somebody comes up behind me. I think I'd actually had a few drinks that night.

[954] I mean, my friends were being somewhat obnoxious, talking loudly, being generally idiots on the street.

[955] Yeah.

[956] And some guy saw me being kind of an idiot and came walking up to me and my friend.

[957] That was Brian, by the way.

[958] And he said, hey man, I want to kick your ass right now.

[959] Just like that, no reason, okay?

[960] He said, I'm going to kick your ass right now.

[961] This guy was actually, you know, smaller than me, which I thought was strange, and he's coming out of nowhere, and we're in the dark, and there's no one around, right by Pekito Moss outside Mel's Diner on Sunset.

[962] I look at him, my friend looks at him.

[963] My friend says, are you serious, dude?

[964] And he goes, yeah.

[965] And then my friend, for whatever reason, goes, okay, and goes like that.

[966] So then this guy's running at me, but because of the previous, situation, I'm now in like the slow motion mode.

[967] Like he's coming at me and I'm going, well, this is not going to, I just, so I went at him and I just put my hands on his neck, right?

[968] And I put my hand behind him.

[969] I kind of lowered him down onto the ground.

[970] And I put my fist up in his face like this and I said, I don't want to hurt you, man. I don't want to hurt you.

[971] I don't want to hurt you.

[972] Right.

[973] And he said, and his leg was kind of flapping up on the side on my body like this.

[974] And I had him pinned on his back on the sidewalk.

[975] And he said, okay, man, okay.

[976] And Got up, and he walked away.

[977] Wow.

[978] So then...

[979] Powerful rape choke to the mount position, for those of you don't know what Tom Green was doing.

[980] He was grabbing the hand in the bitch, where's my money grip?

[981] And then he had a fist up.

[982] Yeah.

[983] And it just kind of ended.

[984] It diffused the situation.

[985] Nobody got hurt.

[986] And, you know, that's, I think that's something that people need to know is to, you know, there is this flash of a moment when somebody attacks you, where you kind of go into this animal mode, right?

[987] you're not in complete control, right?

[988] And then after, you know, you got to, you got to kind of be able to control that a little bit.

[989] So now are you, like, paranoid that everyone's, like, going to attack you?

[990] Like, do you, like, I'm not at the Olive Garden?

[991] No, I'm actually less paranoid now because I now know I got, I got, I got that sort of, it's sort of like a throat on the ground.

[992] He's kind of, but you're always thinking about it, right?

[993] Well, the other thing is, is that, that only worked because he was coming at me fast and he was sort of smaller than me. I don't think that would have worked if he was bigger than me. I don't think that would have worked if he knew anything.

[994] Yeah.

[995] knew anything that wouldn't work.

[996] Did you fight a lot growing up?

[997] He was probably really, really drunk.

[998] And it was just, to me, it was exciting, though, because I haven't been in any sort of physical altercation since I was at a kid, you know.

[999] You don't want that kind of excitement.

[1000] If you want that kind of excitement, go to a jihitsu class.

[1001] Yeah.

[1002] You get to spar.

[1003] You get to go full blast with each other and trying to kill each other with your bare hands.

[1004] It's awesome.

[1005] You get all that shit out, and you don't have to get in fights on stories.

[1006] It was scary.

[1007] It was scary.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] There's a certain amount of, yeah, there's a certain amount of excitement, primal excitement that comes from conflict.

[1010] But it's very dangerous.

[1011] dangerous, man. Especially when you're adding alcohol, you guys are walking on the street, making a fuck load of noise.

[1012] No, this is the thing.

[1013] I've become so paranoid about it since then that I've actually kind of essentially really laid off the sauce a bit.

[1014] Right.

[1015] Because I realized that, you know, although I didn't really kind of, I got attacked, right?

[1016] Right.

[1017] But it was due to my own sort of loud, obnoxious behavior.

[1018] And that's what I'm saying.

[1019] Like, you learn from that, right?

[1020] Yeah, you do.

[1021] You do, and you I think it's called maturing.

[1022] Public drunkenness is one of the douchiest things you can do if you're really loud out of the public.

[1023] That's a douchey thing.

[1024] It's when you're in your 20s, being drunk out at the bar and being crazy.

[1025] That's acceptable.

[1026] It's part of life.

[1027] But I just turned 39 years old.

[1028] And I'm thinking to myself that's not cute anymore, really?

[1029] It's not cute anymore.

[1030] It's not cute when it annoys other people.

[1031] That's what it is.

[1032] And I never used to think about that when I was younger.

[1033] I just think about that.

[1034] We're having fun.

[1035] Fuck it.

[1036] Woo!

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] We're having fun.

[1039] Who gives a shit?

[1040] And then as you get older, you start going, wait a minute.

[1041] But if we're having fun at other people's expense, this shouldn't be fun.

[1042] This should be annoying to me too.

[1043] I should be embarrassed.

[1044] Yeah.

[1045] You know?

[1046] So you learn not to be a douchebag.

[1047] Yeah, exactly.

[1048] And you learn that you've got this move that you're ready to go to.

[1049] Yeah.

[1050] I think you might want to, I'm going to show you, we'll go into my cage in the garage and I'll show you some counters to that move.

[1051] Oh, yeah.

[1052] To be very careful.

[1053] I would appreciate some self -defense.

[1054] Not that I want to have to ever have to use it.

[1055] You don't want to extend your arm.

[1056] You've got to make sure you do it correctly.

[1057] I'd like to take some jiu -jitsu courses.

[1058] Like Crop Magas fun too.

[1059] It's like a combination of things.

[1060] And they give you like a lot of stuff like this is what you do.

[1061] on the street when a guy comes after you but you can't prepare for everything on the street you don't really know what the fuck if a guy's gonna have a gun or a knife or you're not gonna really know you're better off just getting really good at any sort of a martial art like you know you're really gonna get good at knife defense uh huh like that's yeah that seems like a waste of time yeah just considering no one's ever pulled a knife on you in your life.

[1062] Stay away from douchebags keep your life clean let's hope we don't get stabbed yeah don't don't be going out practice every day because one day a guy's going to have a knife.

[1063] There's this fat guy who has this website on all sorts of attacks, like a knife against a knife, how he will block this knife, and then he will attack this.

[1064] He means a fat fuck.

[1065] The guy's hilarious.

[1066] He's completely out of shape, and he's actually kind of a half -decent writer, but totally completely delusional, martial arts guy.

[1067] And so he's got these instructional videos where a guy will come at him with a knife, and he will block this knife and cut to the guy's body, and then go behind him, and he cuts, like, major organs.

[1068] And I'm looking, I'm like, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life.

[1069] You're preparing for a knife fight that would never happen.

[1070] Probably because of the preparing for it is increasing his odds of being killed in a knife fight by like 10 ,000 percent.

[1071] He's carrying knives on him everywhere.

[1072] You know, he's asking for a knife fight.

[1073] He's begging for a knife fight.

[1074] He's just nuts.

[1075] You know, who the fuck's wasting their life preparing for knife fights?

[1076] This is funny.

[1077] Sometimes I look down here at the stream and then I see you and I'm thinking that I'm looking at you live, but it's just a short delay, right?

[1078] Yeah, let's not look at it because I don't want to confuse you.

[1079] It was funny.

[1080] It was confusing me. Comedians, man, they'll go off in a drift.

[1081] Yeah.

[1082] Well, it was like I was looking at your laughing over there, and I'm like, wait a minute.

[1083] I'm not saying anything funny right now.

[1084] Oh, wait, he's not laughing.

[1085] That was a few seconds ago.

[1086] Something he was laughing at a few seconds.

[1087] We're on a delay in case you start getting crazy and curse our government.

[1088] Yeah, this is cool.

[1089] And now, so we're broadcasting on iTunes.

[1090] It's on the Zoom Marketplace.

[1091] It's on, um, it's on, um, all sorts of different things.

[1092] Oh, this is cool.

[1093] This is cool.

[1094] So, yeah, so...

[1095] Stitcher.

[1096] Number one in Canada, comedy a few times on iTunes.

[1097] Okay.

[1098] See, this is something that I'm...

[1099] Powerful, Canada.

[1100] I'm going to start trying to do a podcast myself for the first time, and starting next week, so it's going to be fun.

[1101] You've always been in that kind of community access channel.

[1102] You were always making videos.

[1103] You actually changed everything when you had your show on MTV.

[1104] In my opinion, my whole age group, I'm thinking.

[1105] 36, but you took my idea making stupid little videos and going, wow, look what he's doing.

[1106] He's actually doing it for real Zs on MTV, you know?

[1107] You've really changed that whole market.

[1108] It's a pretty amazing career that you've had, man. That was an exciting time.

[1109] Obviously, that was the most exciting time.

[1110] Watch is blown, Brian.

[1111] Yeah.

[1112] You know?

[1113] Maybe we wait till the show's over.

[1114] That's one of the most awkward things ever.

[1115] Out in the driveway or something like that?

[1116] Like when Doug's Dan Hope was here, I was trying to sell like really good things about him.

[1117] But I'm like, it's so weird.

[1118] and he's right here and it's going to broadcasting in front of the world.

[1119] What a great show though.

[1120] You come up to Joe's house.

[1121] You get coffee.

[1122] You get a blow job.

[1123] I think a lot of people, though.

[1124] I think a lot of you've inspired a lot of people, man. You were one of my inspiration.

[1125] You inspired me to do this, man, to do this online.

[1126] When I came over to your house, I'm like, wow.

[1127] Oh, yeah.

[1128] I remember how excited you were about it and you talked to the, there was a document or I was an entertainment tonight, Canada, or somebody was at the house.

[1129] And you said, you were very excited about it.

[1130] And I thought, well, this is cool.

[1131] This is actually...

[1132] Maybe this is not a waste of time doing the show in my living room.

[1133] Joe seems to like it.

[1134] We knew that eventually it was going to get to the point where the internet and the television combined.

[1135] It hasn't totally happened yet.

[1136] But it's pretty close.

[1137] Convergence.

[1138] It's a small, a dribble, you know.

[1139] I can get, like, I have a DVD player that lets you go to different sources and get movies, Netflix.

[1140] Yeah.

[1141] And even YouTube.

[1142] Yeah.

[1143] It allows you go to YouTube as well.

[1144] You stream.

[1145] You stream.

[1146] I don't know about you stream.

[1147] No. No, I think I was wrong.

[1148] I think it was YouTube.

[1149] But it's just, it's close, you know.

[1150] You can get, the internet is bringing content to your television.

[1151] It's just doing it through outside parties now.

[1152] It's not quite as accessible as I would think.

[1153] Yeah, I worry that it's going to get all controlled so that, you know, you end up, everyone gets some box.

[1154] They're watching the internet on their TV, but it's not the real internet.

[1155] You know, it's just the stuff that the shows that get bought by Time Warner cable and do they decide to put on the internet, Which then all of a sudden you don't have the internet.

[1156] You have this sort of just other way of distributing television that's on demand.

[1157] It's not free.

[1158] Net neutrality.

[1159] You know, we need to make sure that, you know, and I don't know a whole lot about it, but, you know, I was talking about this other day with my friend, and he said net neutrality is some big issue right now.

[1160] You know, they're talking about, you know.

[1161] Well, since you're in Hollywood, since we don't know a lot about it, let's argue about it.

[1162] Yeah, absolutely.

[1163] Since either one of us know the points.

[1164] So I just think that we got to.

[1165] stop this man that's how we rock it here in hollywood just argue about shit we don't even know about yeah well you know that's i was on stage i love guy some guy in the audience who just decided he was going to heckle and this is what he heckled he goes even stephen hawking said that the universe proves there must be a god like he was arguing with me angry at me and this is what he was saying and then stephen hawking came out last week he came stephen hawking came out two weeks ago and said that there is no god exactly so i'm like dude you didn't even read it you didn't even read it you and you're arguing it, you're yelling it out publicly.

[1166] Yeah.

[1167] And Steve and...

[1168] But that's L .A. That's my point.

[1169] That's Los Angeles.

[1170] You don't know anything about anything?

[1171] Just argue it.

[1172] Not only did he argue it, he yelled it out.

[1173] I don't even know what I was talking about.

[1174] I forgot because it was so ridiculous what he said.

[1175] But he yelled it out from the side of the stage.

[1176] It was like an important point for him.

[1177] Did you have a conversation with him about it?

[1178] Very little.

[1179] I talked to him a little bit from the stage.

[1180] I tried to be nice and just segueed into the rest of the show.

[1181] but he just, like, wanted to, it was a weird thing.

[1182] It was like, he was a guy that just wanted to argue like it was a game, like he wanted to play catch with me. Have you noticed a lot more heckling, Joe, lately?

[1183] No, no, not lately.

[1184] It's comes and goes.

[1185] There's cool crowds and not so cool crowds.

[1186] And it's always, the crowds are always cool.

[1187] There's just always a few douchebags, a tiny few amount of douchebags.

[1188] But that's all you need.

[1189] You know, if you have 300 people in a comedy club, all you need is three douchebags and you got an issue.

[1190] You have to deal one douchebag, and you got an issue.

[1191] So some, it's, do you like that, or it's?

[1192] No, I would.

[1193] way rather have just a fun show.

[1194] Like in Indie...

[1195] Stressless when they started yelling.

[1196] I did two shows in Indianapolis last Friday.

[1197] Never been to Indianapolis for comedy before.

[1198] It was fucking great, man. The crowds were super cool, dude.

[1199] Everybody's super friendly and fun.

[1200] It's a nice, like, easy -going place.

[1201] Yeah.

[1202] And it's a decent -sized city.

[1203] It's a million four, a million 400 ,000 people.

[1204] So it's not a small town.

[1205] Yeah.

[1206] And just really fucking cool, friendly people.

[1207] You know, I like that, man. I don't want to deal with some fucking douchebags.

[1208] you need attention.

[1209] That's annoying, man. It's like, I want to tell you, man, I want to pull them aside and, you know, take them away from everybody and go, dude, just get your shit together, man. You see what you're doing?

[1210] You're all out of control.

[1211] You're just, you're so needy for attention that you're willing to disrupt everything around you.

[1212] I've started to notice them before they even say anything.

[1213] They often sit right at the front, right?

[1214] You like to sit right there where everyone can see them.

[1215] And there's sort of these, you can tell that these sort of, you know, alpha personality types who just want, you know, everybody to look at them.

[1216] I mean, come on, what's their problem?

[1217] No, no, but I mean, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, if you want to do, why don't you just go do comedy, you know, and go do your own show, you know?

[1218] No, they don't want to do that.

[1219] They want to criticize.

[1220] It's like critics, these critics that hated your fucking movie, go make a better movie.

[1221] Well, they're not going to make a better movie.

[1222] They have nothing to contribute.

[1223] They're contributing, they're doing their best to be verbose and their bitchiness.

[1224] And that's what their contribution is.

[1225] Be cunty about things.

[1226] Always look for the negative.

[1227] Love everything foreign.

[1228] I mean, that's really what it is.

[1229] It's also even when they yell out fun stuff, it's sort of annoying, too, right?

[1230] Yeah, well, the worst I was saying was when they talked to you.

[1231] I think some people think they're trying to help you or something.

[1232] The worst is when they talk to you.

[1233] Yeah.

[1234] You ever have people in the front row and they just talk at you?

[1235] Like, why would you do that?

[1236] Yeah.

[1237] Like, what the fuck?

[1238] I'm going to get to it.

[1239] I'm going to get to the whole subject.

[1240] Yeah, yeah.

[1241] You know, don't move me in a different direction.

[1242] Come on, man. What, well, where are you going?

[1243] Why are you talking to me, man?

[1244] This isn't a conversation.

[1245] It's a fucking comedy show.

[1246] Yeah.

[1247] I always give people the opportunity to yell shit out though I do a Q &A at almost End of almost every one of my shows Just because it's fun It's kind of sometimes it's anticlimactic It's dangerous because sometimes it drags on And I do the Q &A for like a fucking hour or something And I don't know how to end Because it's so open -ended But I think people like fucking around And being able to talk to me So I let them know Like well there'll be a time And we can yell shit out But it's not let me get my material I'll do all this and then we'll fuck around Yeah that's a good idea Yeah it's fun Yeah because it's The best is when there's lines and microphones That's how I did it when I recorded my DVD.

[1248] That's the best way to do it.

[1249] Have a line, and people come up to the line, and they get to the microphone.

[1250] Oh, yeah?

[1251] Yeah, because when they just yell shit out, it just gets too crazy.

[1252] Right.

[1253] Right, Brian?

[1254] I was just going to say, you have a guy's name.

[1255] Like, you know, like, talk about Jesuspe!

[1256] You know, talk about Anderson Silver.

[1257] Yeah.

[1258] We think about Joe Sutton's chances in the rematch.

[1259] What should you've done different?

[1260] Now, because you have stuff out on, and I've had it on TV, or I don't, you do people to yell you had to do bits that you've done before.

[1261] I can't remember a lot of them, though.

[1262] The problem is when I stopped doing a bit, man, I don't remember how to do it.

[1263] Like somebody yelled out, do the talking dog bit the other day, the drug commercial bit.

[1264] And I was like, fuck, how does that go?

[1265] Like, I haven't done it in a long time.

[1266] So I had to try to perform it from memory.

[1267] You know, I just, I always try to come up with new shit.

[1268] When you have new shit, you got a band in the old shit.

[1269] You can't keep remembering it.

[1270] Every now and then one will pop up from, like, the old days.

[1271] Like, I'll remember one.

[1272] Like, wow, I remember how this one goes.

[1273] But in order to keep writing new material, you know, I've had.

[1274] Right now I had the first one was I'm going to be dead someday and then there was the Showtime special that I did.

[1275] No, then there was Belly of the Beast and the Showtime Special in 2005 and then Shining Happy Jihad and then talking monkeys in space.

[1276] That's a lot of different material.

[1277] I can't remember all that shit.

[1278] Yeah.

[1279] You ever just pop in the DVD and watch your show?

[1280] No, I don't like it.

[1281] I like to get it back in your head that way.

[1282] It's uncomfortable for me to watch the stuff that I've just done recently.

[1283] It's really uncomfortable for me to watch something like from like a few years ago.

[1284] While you fucking a fleshlight might help.

[1285] Whoa, what are you saying?

[1286] How dare you?

[1287] Yeah, well, and it's like when you were playing that song earlier, I was sort of sitting here kind of curling up inside my shoes, you know, because it's like you're looking at something from 20 years ago, and you're going, oh, geez, I wouldn't really do it exactly that way.

[1288] Yeah, I know, the way I'm rap, I'm trying to sound like Chuck D. You know, it's like, well, that's kind of cheesy, you know.

[1289] But it's capturing, somebody said this to me once, that, you know, you just have to think of all these performances as capturing a moment in time, you know, and just, but I don't, you know, that's all well and good, and I appreciate that, but I don't want to, it's still me. I don't really want to watch me from 15 years ago do comedy.

[1290] It's not fun.

[1291] I don't like me from five years ago doing it, you know?

[1292] It's hard watching yourself, man. When you're very critical and honest, you know, it's hard.

[1293] Yeah.

[1294] It's hard, like, trying to figure out how much of this, should I be trying to enjoy this?

[1295] Should I be trying to enjoy it like a spectator?

[1296] Or should I be, like, hypercritical of everything I'm doing?

[1297] Because that's what I always wind up doing.

[1298] Yeah.

[1299] So I prefer not watching myself, but you have to go over material, I think, to listen to bits and sometimes you go down your brain will take you down different paths like you go oh why didn't I say this or why didn't I talk about that or you remember like certain taglines that you may have ad -libbed at the moment which may be gone if you don't remember them there's a lot of my best taglines I forget them I just stop doing it for some reason and then I forget it and then someone will say to you like why don't you say that anymore I'm like oh fuck I forgot do you have it all written down somewhere or most of it yeah most of the material is written down it's all written but the way I start off Almost all of my bits, I start them off with like blog entries, whether or not it gets posted on the internet at all.

[1300] Almost all of it is just me dissecting a subject.

[1301] This is the method that I've come to over the last few years.

[1302] It's the most, to me it's the best method because it allows me to really examine all the different ways I think about a subject without worrying about people's attention spans.

[1303] So I just write, you know, and it can be page after page to page, up to pages, just ramblings on what I think about anything.

[1304] And then I dissect what's funny about it.

[1305] Like, this is funny.

[1306] This is funny.

[1307] And then I say, well, how much this would go into a bit.

[1308] Could this be a bit?

[1309] Okay, this could be a bet right here.

[1310] This is how I have to say it.

[1311] And then I look at it like that, like I'm stealing from myself.

[1312] I'm stealing little jokes.

[1313] And you get feedback too on the internet, right?

[1314] People read it.

[1315] Yeah, I do.

[1316] Yeah.

[1317] If I post it, but there's a lot of stuff that I write that I don't post.

[1318] There's a lot of stuff that I write as if it was going to be a blog entry and then it just winds up going in a file.

[1319] Yeah.

[1320] Because I don't like where I was going with it or I wasn't finished with it, but I do like this part and that part will become a bit.

[1321] Do you, like, do you think of your ideas when you sit down to write or is it when you're out and about with friends hanging out and then you're both it's all everything i think you know you get different kinds of creativity just from driving in your car with the music off you know if you have your stereo off and you're just driving your car and don't talk to anybody just doing that doing like every average everyday things a percentage of your brain you know you're going to focus on what you're doing you're going to focus on our activity but you're going to get bored your brain is going to get bored just driving so your brain is going to start thinking about things so a percentage of your brain will start coming up with ideas and you'll start pondering things and questioning relationships and you start breaking down your life while you're driving with no stealth everyone.

[1322] You know, when you get the music on, you listen to that, and then you're off in no thinking land, you know?

[1323] That's one of the most dangerous things about the media, is the fact that it's so pervasive, and it's so easy to get to, and it's so easy to just sit there and watch and just get sucked into it and never think at all.

[1324] I know.

[1325] I've been addicted to the 24 -hour news cycle this last few years, and it just drives me nuts.

[1326] How much news the day do you watch?

[1327] Well, it's just on in the background, so it's like I'm at the computer, but it's on in the background.

[1328] Do you sleep to news?

[1329] No, no. Do you sleep?

[1330] till the TV at all?

[1331] No, I don't...

[1332] Fuck all that, dude.

[1333] No, that's a sickness.

[1334] Is that getting real sleep?

[1335] That sounds a little bit much.

[1336] Oh, no, I always do the 40 -minute snooze, right?

[1337] I just sit there and lay, watch TV and have the TV.

[1338] You do a stooze, a timer, I mean.

[1339] Really?

[1340] Yeah, that's cool.

[1341] You do a 40 -minute snooze?

[1342] 40 -minute time.

[1343] What do you watch, late -night television?

[1344] Cartoons.

[1345] Oh, yeah.

[1346] Put it on some, you know, cartoon network.

[1347] So you're not sleeping while the TV's on.

[1348] TV shuts itself off.

[1349] Yeah, yeah, well, that's sort of different.

[1350] I mean, I have watched TV before I go to bed.

[1351] Right.

[1352] But I thought you were just sleeping with the television on.

[1353] You don't give a fuck.

[1354] Old Tom and Jerry's are relaxing, man. He's just getting like no REM sleep.

[1355] He's like barely, barely dreaming.

[1356] Listening to books on tape.

[1357] Yeah, you got to trick, you have to constantly trick your mind that you're four years old.

[1358] I woke up this morning and I, uh...

[1359] The weirdest flight once, because I bought this, uh, CD on the laws of attraction.

[1360] Uh -huh.

[1361] This crazy woman who claims to be channeling some, some, you know...

[1362] Is it the secret or what the book do we know?

[1363] No, no, no, it was another one.

[1364] It was the laws of attraction.

[1365] Right.

[1366] I forget her name.

[1367] Anyway, she talks in this strange way, like when she's channeling this, like, super deity.

[1368] Oh, yeah, she's a blonde lady, right?

[1369] You know what, it's on iTunes.

[1370] It's sort of a princess somebody or something.

[1371] I've seen that somewhere because, yeah, someone showed me that once.

[1372] I like that.

[1373] You know, that's not.

[1374] Seth speaks.

[1375] Yeah, I read the secret.

[1376] Abraham.

[1377] I found it.

[1378] I found it something that I enjoyed.

[1379] So this woman that channels this super deity called Abraham.

[1380] Uh -huh.

[1381] I fell asleep once.

[1382] I listen to everything.

[1383] I have a very open mind.

[1384] And even if I think someone, it sounds crazy, you're channeling something.

[1385] Okay, maybe you are crazy, but maybe in your crazy, in your actual true belief, you may have it, that you're communicating with this deity.

[1386] Maybe you can bypass some of the pitfalls and roadblocks and human consciousness, and maybe you can see things that other people can't truly see.

[1387] So maybe you are crazy.

[1388] Maybe you are full of shit, but maybe you still have some good points.

[1389] I'm willing to let that be a possibility.

[1390] So I listen to nutty people, do all kinds of different conversations and all kinds of different lectures and so I was listening to this and I fell asleep listening to it so I was on the plane for like a five hour flight and it's like hours and hours of of lectures of this woman talking through this man channeling telling you love life is love all this nutty fucking new age type shit she's channeling from this deity and this strange voice she's uh inflecting it's very so I landed I'm just thinking like I'm gonna fucking Harry Potter movie yeah yeah it might have fucking programmed something in your brain that's gonna come you're gonna be in an isolation tank and next thing you know you're going to be like what was that movie with Denzo Washington eternal sunshine of a spotless mind or so you've reprogrammed yourself yeah totally what was that movie something man Denzo Washington movie Running Man no no fuck God damn it man on a shit fuck cunt he's a security guy right or he's the security for the girl and she gets kidnapped and he's been programmed he was programmed when he was what it's that fucking Terminator no that was a different You're not even trying to help anymore, man. How dare you?

[1391] Whatever.

[1392] I'm not going to get it, man. It was a movie where they brainwashed him when he was younger and then they activated him.

[1393] Oh, oh, yeah.

[1394] No. Fuck you, man. I'm thinking of the other one where they try to get the guy down.

[1395] AI's the little kid, you dickhead.

[1396] You fucking dickhead.

[1397] Yeah.

[1398] That's not Denzel Washington either.

[1399] That's McCauley Culkin.

[1400] Same kind.

[1401] I don't remember.

[1402] I hate not being able to remember shit.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] It's so annoying.

[1405] Yeah.

[1406] Is there a memory?

[1407] supplement?

[1408] Has anybody ever taken a memory supplement?

[1409] I mean, is it, what's good?

[1410] Is that real?

[1411] Because I had heard it was bullshit.

[1412] I heard Ginko was bullshit.

[1413] Just do, rats of varitrol.

[1414] If you haven't started yet, seriously.

[1415] Oh, you do?

[1416] Oh, yeah, cool.

[1417] What milligrams, you know?

[1418] I don't remember.

[1419] Got to get like 500.

[1420] We'll talk about the soft air.

[1421] Yeah, do you feel that you find you forget things as you get older?

[1422] No, you forget things because you have too much information.

[1423] I mean, I don't feel like a I can't remember anything that I don't recall at this point, but, you know.

[1424] What I do, yeah, you, I do notice that there is some sort of a scientific theory about the amount of people that we can store in our brain and I absolutely believe that.

[1425] They say it's 150.

[1426] They say that people have room for 150 faces and names they recognize.

[1427] I have recognized someone that I didn't know was still in my database where you have to re -assimilate the memories and you go, okay, okay.

[1428] Happened last night.

[1429] That's a weird thing, man. It's like your brain is going oh, we're going to dust this off?

[1430] Hold on, we have it.

[1431] It's way back here.

[1432] It's way back here.

[1433] And then the dude's giving me information.

[1434] Do you remember, man?

[1435] We used to play pool.

[1436] together in White Plains.

[1437] I'm like, oh, shit.

[1438] And then I'm going way back here.

[1439] Okay, I got the file.

[1440] I got the file.

[1441] Oh.

[1442] Yeah.

[1443] Like so, because you find, you know, this year, I've been traveling around this year, meeting you know, thousands of, hundreds of people every weekend in different cities, right?

[1444] So you're meeting all these different people.

[1445] Do you find then you start having that happen more, where you don't, when you come back to L .A.?

[1446] I mean, especially if you, like, if you meet someone who's interesting and you wind up talking to this dude and you know, you talk to him on the internet.

[1447] Well, that's an internet, you got an internet memory now.

[1448] You know, this guy is a part of your internet group, you know, if you've got on my message board, people sign up for my message board, and sometimes there's some cool people who have some interesting things.

[1449] And, okay, now that guy's a name and my things of, you know, names of people that I can store in my mind.

[1450] I mean, it's like 150, that's what they say.

[1451] Yeah.

[1452] I really do find, it really is, it does seem like a data issue.

[1453] It seems like a data processing issue.

[1454] It's like, we're not supposed to have access this many fucking people.

[1455] Like, our hardware is not set up for this.

[1456] It's like we're trying to run Quake 4 on a, a 1982 fucking PC.

[1457] You know, that's what it is.

[1458] We're going to have to get little, you know, 32 gigabyte chips that we can sort of plug in behind our ear or something like that.

[1459] You imagine you may update...

[1460] Just for names and phone numbers.

[1461] If they can figure out how to update the database of your mind.

[1462] Yeah.

[1463] It might have to...

[1464] Just download stuff into your little...

[1465] Well, that'll be out there soon.

[1466] It's got to be.

[1467] If you can think it, if you can think it, they're going to get there.

[1468] If as long as they keep tampering, and they always will, I mean, that's what people do.

[1469] We keep trying to figure out what's the coolest best shit, and they're going to learn.

[1470] They're going to learn from it.

[1471] As long as we don't blow ourselves off to face of the earth, we got some nutty shit coming.

[1472] Some nutty shit.

[1473] Yeah.

[1474] They're developing skin that can feel that's artificial.

[1475] Really?

[1476] Yes.

[1477] Artificial skin that you can feel with.

[1478] They have artificial limbs.

[1479] What do you mean?

[1480] They're going to be able to attach it to your finger and you can make your finger like 40 feet long and you can touch stuff across it.

[1481] Eventually, ultimately they want you to be able to be able to be sensitive.

[1482] Like you can pick up a piece of paper with it or you could hold a thick mug.

[1483] Oh, really?

[1484] You're going to be able to touch and feel things.

[1485] What do you?

[1486] You're going to get electrical impulses from this artificial hands.

[1487] So it's going to go into your nerve endings, and they're going to figure out how to make it so your brain thinks this is a hand.

[1488] So they've figured out the conversion of this to like...

[1489] I mean, I don't know how far along it is or how close it is, but I know that this is an ultimate goal.

[1490] They're trying to figure out a way to make...

[1491] What would be some uses for that technology?

[1492] How about fake humans?

[1493] How about...

[1494] They're going to make fake people, dude.

[1495] Better fleshlights.

[1496] That's the real thing...

[1497] The real thing is artificial life.

[1498] That's the real thing.

[1499] And that's really, really possible.

[1500] It's really possible.

[1501] We don't know what life really is.

[1502] You know, technology might be life.

[1503] It might be life in some sort of an embryotic form.

[1504] And it has to break out of this like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly.

[1505] This might, we're seeing with technology that people have created today in 2010, we might be seeing just the, you know, just this eggshell that's about to break and this new thing is going to hatch out of it.

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] I could use, you know, a robot around the house.

[1508] that had sensitive skin.

[1509] Smooth mouth.

[1510] Pretty lips.

[1511] That would be so strange.

[1512] We just had this really super hot robot that you could fuck whenever you wanted and you didn't have to feed her, you could shut her off, you could do whatever you wanted.

[1513] But when you turned around, just like, oh, are we fucking?

[1514] What's up?

[1515] Yeah, clearly this is...

[1516] That's possible.

[1517] Clearly, these scientists are putting their...

[1518] Who is going to be willing to...

[1519] Tolerate their wife's bullshit when you can fuck this super hot robot porn star.

[1520] There'd probably be something annoying and grows, like you have to change her filter.

[1521] You know?

[1522] You're like, ugh.

[1523] That wouldn't be a fun.

[1524] Vacuum the load out of her snatch.

[1525] That wouldn't be a good job.

[1526] What if she's absolutely artificial, even her, you know, her hormones or everything.

[1527] What if, you know, it literally is like an artificial person.

[1528] You know, but it doesn't age.

[1529] Yeah, she cleans her own filter.

[1530] Yeah.

[1531] She cleans her own pussy.

[1532] She doesn't fuck you.

[1533] Yeah, she cleans her own filter.

[1534] Hey, why don't you just clean your own filter?

[1535] Already there's a problem.

[1536] Can you clean my filter?

[1537] Why don't you clean your own filter?

[1538] What if she's too embarrassed, though, all the time?

[1539] See, there's already problems.

[1540] If you could actually have these totally controllable artificial people where you could program in their personality and make them super accepting and docile and always, you know, always kind and always, like, sweet and affection to you.

[1541] Would people even get in relationships anymore?

[1542] Would dudes?

[1543] God, dude, it's not just...

[1544] You're an ugly fan guy.

[1545] You can just buy this super insanely hot check that's fake.

[1546] Yeah.

[1547] And you can go to movies with her and shit.

[1548] She'll go to the movies with you.

[1549] Oh, no, that's the end.

[1550] We didn't even know.

[1551] We wouldn't even know if it was a real person.

[1552] That's the end of relations.

[1553] And there'd be like some old, fat, fucked up dude with no teeth, shit all over his clothes.

[1554] She doesn't care.

[1555] She's a robot.

[1556] She's hot as fuck.

[1557] She looks like Tracy Lord's in her prime, and they're holding hands at the movie theater.

[1558] People are getting pissed.

[1559] Get a fucking real woman.

[1560] Except the way you would know.

[1561] The way you would know is because when it first happens, there'd only be five models.

[1562] You know, there'd be the blonde, you know, there'd be the brunette.

[1563] They'd be everywhere.

[1564] Yeah.

[1565] So you'd see the same model over again.

[1566] You'd like smart cars going around or whatever.

[1567] They'll do anything.

[1568] They'll suck your dick in a taxi cab.

[1569] They don't give a fuck.

[1570] They're your robots.

[1571] People are going to go off.

[1572] It's going to be crazy.

[1573] They would probably have like dead eyes.

[1574] You know when you look in somebody's eyes?

[1575] You can tell.

[1576] Maybe, maybe the puppy dog eyes.

[1577] Maybe they'll crush you.

[1578] Maybe you fall in love with that robot.

[1579] You're trying to figure out a way to breed with her.

[1580] Dead puppies.

[1581] Maybe that's the apocalypse.

[1582] We do figure out a way to breed with the robots.

[1583] Can you tell me a little bit about this flashlight since we're on the topic of having sex with robots?

[1584] Put your finger.

[1585] Really it is.

[1586] Let me touch it.

[1587] Let me touch it.

[1588] And this is your spot.

[1589] No one has fucked this one.

[1590] This is your sponsor.

[1591] Thank you.

[1592] This is your sponsor for your show?

[1593] Where is this manufactured?

[1594] I believe Austin, Texas.

[1595] That's where the company is located.

[1596] Do you hung out with them a couple weeks ago?

[1597] Yeah, go ahead.

[1598] Don't be scared.

[1599] Get in there.

[1600] Don't be scared.

[1601] I'll turn it for me. I don't really feel like touching.

[1602] It's just like.

[1603] You should feel it.

[1604] You should feel it.

[1605] No one has had sex with this.

[1606] Yes.

[1607] This is just a sample that they sent us.

[1608] Just touch it.

[1609] Trust it.

[1610] Okay.

[1611] All right.

[1612] Yeah.

[1613] Pretty good, right?

[1614] Put the finger in the hole.

[1615] I'm not going to put my finger.

[1616] No, no, it feels.

[1617] Just feel it.

[1618] It's the bottle.

[1619] You should like it.

[1620] I can imagine.

[1621] I can imagine.

[1622] I have a very strong imagination.

[1623] That is, that's interesting.

[1624] Better than the cow.

[1625] Now, let me ask you this.

[1626] I don't have to ask you whether or not you masturbate, because of course you do.

[1627] But would you be willing to buy a masturbation tool that would make masturbation better?

[1628] Probably not, right?

[1629] Because then you have to sort of admit.

[1630] I was hoping, I'd get a free one because I was a guest on the show.

[1631] I'll get you one.

[1632] Yeah, I wouldn't.

[1633] Would I'd be a best.

[1634] be willing to find one left I'm just kidding I'm just kidding actually you want one well you know might be fun just for a conversation at parties or something like that I know what I got I'll give it to you I'll get to find it I'm in here somewhere yeah no I mean you know what kind of porn does Tom Green like definitely have to be in a sealed wrapper let's put it is it come in a sealed Hermetically sealed plastic yeah absolutely I would not advise you fuck that yeah you don't want yeah Brian Callen touched that oh yeah see this has been this has been unsealed Is that a signature on it?

[1635] I think Ricky Schroeder even touched that one.

[1636] Did Ricky Schroeder touched that?

[1637] I think he licked it.

[1638] And so does it do anything?

[1639] Is it like vibrate or anything?

[1640] You don't need that.

[1641] It's just a, it's just, that's what it is.

[1642] You know what it is, man?

[1643] It is, it just makes, it's way better feeling than your hand and you're not getting any, you're not getting any signal from it.

[1644] It's patented rubber, you know?

[1645] It's like they have their own patent on how awesome this rubber is.

[1646] Made in America, made in the USA.

[1647] Proud to be an American.

[1648] Interesting.

[1649] This is called Fish in a Bucket.

[1650] Oh, okay.

[1651] Look at that.

[1652] That's what he calls it.

[1653] Okay, you've taken that out there.

[1654] This is what it's called.

[1655] This is called deer in a tree.

[1656] Yeah.

[1657] You're just making up names, son.

[1658] It's not what it's called.

[1659] Is that what it's called?

[1660] Is that what it's called?

[1661] It's a great nurse to it.

[1662] A slapstick.

[1663] Don't fling that around much.

[1664] But it's a solid product.

[1665] For 60 bucks or whatever it costs, it's totally worth it.

[1666] It makes beating off way more fun.

[1667] What kind of porn do you like?

[1668] Are you an amateur guy or a regular guy?

[1669] Brian, take your pants off.

[1670] Take your pants off when you ask that question.

[1671] You know, I don't even know anymore, man. It's gotten so crazy out there.

[1672] You still use magazines?

[1673] Kids today.

[1674] Yeah, you know.

[1675] It's gotten so crazy.

[1676] What's gotten crazy, man?

[1677] Well, just the, I think basically just the sort of instant access to anything online, it's kind of starting actually to get to the point where, you know, it's not as an amazing thing, porn, you know?

[1678] Right.

[1679] Like, I was, you know, when I was, you know, when we were kids, you know.

[1680] When we were, you know, when I was a kid, right, they didn't have that, obviously.

[1681] So you'd be, you know, excited when, you know, like when the Sears catalog comes, you know, you'd be excited, right?

[1682] You know, this is, you know, this is what you would, you know, there was not this access to it.

[1683] So it's almost like overwhelming to me now.

[1684] I think I've watched too much of it in my life and I'm not interested in that much anymore, you know?

[1685] Yeah.

[1686] Sounds like you're campaigning for a nice girl.

[1687] When I started seeing it online in video, to be honest with you, I watched it a lot because I was interesting in the web streaming technology.

[1688] Right.

[1689] Yeah, so I would go on some of the sites just to kind of...

[1690] That's it, just for purely technological purposes.

[1691] It was sort of like a business or research kind of thing because I'm, you know, doing my web show.

[1692] I wanted to see that the streaming quality was good and things like this.

[1693] And you can get the most data from the facial section.

[1694] That's what I find.

[1695] Yeah.

[1696] But, yeah, so, you know, it's a, but it's, I, I think that's going to, what's going to happen to us.

[1697] Are we going to go, are we all going to go crazy because of this porn everywhere?

[1698] No, it's just people fucking, they're just going crazy because they've been suppressed for so long.

[1699] It's not like, ah, until everybody calms down.

[1700] And then they're going to realize, well, I don't really like watching all this crazy mouth fucking until girls throw up and coming in their eyeballs and all that shit.

[1701] I don't really like that.

[1702] You can watch making love videos.

[1703] They're actually better than the porn fucking video.

[1704] Oh, I've never heard of that.

[1705] They're really in love.

[1706] They just sit there and make love.

[1707] Yeah, that's a way better way to be off.

[1708] Some fetish site you're into?

[1709] Yeah, you don't like love videos?

[1710] You don't even like professionals, boy?

[1711] They're like fucking scabs.

[1712] The love videos.

[1713] They're scabs.

[1714] They're violating the porn union.

[1715] It's very nice.

[1716] Oh, and where do you find that exactly now?

[1717] Google making love videos.

[1718] There's just one chick that has a website.

[1719] That's something I've never heard of before.

[1720] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1721] There's one chick that's like the most famous blowjob artist in all of the world.

[1722] I don't remember.

[1723] her name but she's really famous but she uh it's i i deepthroat dot com heather that's her name is right heather heather something and she's got like i don't know a hundred fucking videos and they're all of her blowing her husband blowing this dude everywhere and she has the most ridiculous lack of gag reflexes she's got none so he mean he's got a big dick she's like down to the balls looking his balls every time that does nothing for me and they have they have they have videos all over the place on the internet like he's turned his wife sucking his dick and to like a website.

[1724] Yeah.

[1725] That's an interesting way to go.

[1726] You like more violent.

[1727] You should try these love videos.

[1728] It's not what I like.

[1729] I don't like it.

[1730] Well, I like her.

[1731] She's not doing it violent.

[1732] She's not throwing up.

[1733] Somehow I know that she can just do without gagging.

[1734] That's the crazy thing.

[1735] The other one's like, there's a lot of like Sasha Gray porn.

[1736] That was fucking hard to watch, dude.

[1737] That chick kids are a mouthful.

[1738] Oh, wait, you did the first watching Two Girls One Cup video, right?

[1739] Did you do that?

[1740] It wasn't the first.

[1741] Oh, okay.

[1742] No way.

[1743] I saw you do that, though.

[1744] It was me and Joe.

[1745] It was watching, the shot was on you, the reaction.

[1746] Yeah, it was both of us.

[1747] What was that called?

[1748] What's that called when they, reaction.

[1749] Reaction video.

[1750] Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's one of those.

[1751] It was a good one for reaction videos because everybody knew by the sound of the music, what was going on if you'd already seen it.

[1752] That was a very odd sort of blip on the pop culture radar of the day that, that came out, right?

[1753] Yeah.

[1754] And it was a site dedicated to one video and everybody went and watched it for a couple of days.

[1755] Dude, that thing got millions and millions and millions.

[1756] and then millions of views.

[1757] I joke about it, and I bring it up on stage sometimes, and it's incredible how many people have seen it.

[1758] And I think what's interesting about it is it repulsed people so instantly that it didn't really catch on.

[1759] That hasn't happened since, has it, where there's been one domain name comes out, you know, three girls, one horse, or whatever, two guys, one horse.

[1760] There's nothing like, there.

[1761] Two guys, one horse.

[1762] A guy gets fucked to death by a horse.

[1763] Oh, I've heard about that in Seattle, right?

[1764] Yeah, they had to change the law.

[1765] Five hands, one horse.

[1766] Girl was another one.

[1767] Oh, Jesus.

[1768] Really?

[1769] There's a guy, I think I've told this story before, but I'll tell it.

[1770] He made that up.

[1771] Because you're here.

[1772] See, that's what I'm saying.

[1773] The point I'm making is, that's a good thing to not take off.

[1774] There was a dude that I know whose friend was dating a porn star.

[1775] And they were trying to, he was trying to reconcile the fact that she fucked guys and this was just a job and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1776] Just kind of like put it in the back of his head.

[1777] And she came home with the contract and she's going over the different parts of the contract.

[1778] And he goes, what's this airtight?

[1779] And she goes, airtight.

[1780] Airtight means it.

[1781] dick in every hole.

[1782] He goes, what?

[1783] One of my ass, one of my pussy, one of my mouth.

[1784] He goes, okay, this is over.

[1785] That was what cracked him.

[1786] Airtight cracked them.

[1787] Yeah, the fact that they actually have a name for it, too.

[1788] A term.

[1789] We're just being plugged up with dicks.

[1790] And then what are you going to come home and cuddle after that?

[1791] Airtight, unbelievable.

[1792] Yeah, and so, and then what happened?

[1793] He just walked out the door and never talked to her again.

[1794] Like, fucking Clint Eastwood.

[1795] Airtight.

[1796] Yeah, I think, you know, when your girlfriend's got airtight in her contract, that's It's a strange thing A lot of the people in the porn business do They figure out a way to have boyfriends and girlfriends And be in relationships, but they still fuck They fuck other people when they work But they're only allowed to do it when they're working Yeah, it must Because we're also You know, accustomed to seeing it now That people probably out there actually can justify it in their mind Because oh, this is a legitimate profession here When is the Tom Green Sex tape come out?

[1797] When is that?

[1798] And who's it with, is there, Drew Barrymore?

[1799] He's doing it with 100, 100 different women.

[1800] Do you hate the, do you hate Max?

[1801] What's that?

[1802] Do you hate, I'm just kidding.

[1803] You know, that's something I don't think I could ever, ever see myself doing.

[1804] No sex type?

[1805] Is there one that exists, though, that you know of?

[1806] There's not.

[1807] There's definitely not one that I know.

[1808] Joe, is there one of you?

[1809] You don't, no. You don't videotape yourself?

[1810] You know, not regularly, but I think it's, it's from paranoia of, I'm not going to say I never did it once in my life.

[1811] but, you know, the thing is is I immediately deleted it and was sure...

[1812] Always a strong move.

[1813] Yeah, immediately deleted it, didn't keep it around.

[1814] You know, honestly, you know, didn't even really really want to watch it, to be honest with you.

[1815] You loved it.

[1816] Was fun the process of videotape.

[1817] You didn't want to watch it, though?

[1818] Not really, no. It was awful.

[1819] Kind of freaked me out a little bit.

[1820] When I do it, I'm just so disgusted.

[1821] It depresses me. Your body?

[1822] But I do have one...

[1823] What depresses you?

[1824] Huh?

[1825] What depresses you?

[1826] It's just so.

[1827] like, I don't know, watching yourself is gross.

[1828] Because I'm not, because I'm not like, go to your news.

[1829] Do you hear on the news?

[1830] Wait a minute, Brian, stop right now.

[1831] Listen to how you're advertising your sex.

[1832] You're a single man and you're saying you have depressing sex.

[1833] No, no, no. I mean, do you like watching yourself?

[1834] I'm not, do you masturbate?

[1835] I'm not, no, no, I mean, do you masturbate looking at yourself in the mirror?

[1836] Why would you want to watch yourself, right?

[1837] I think it's like what you were saying, you're watching yourself having sex and you're trying to recreate it in your memory.

[1838] You don't like watching yourself having sex?

[1839] I'm not, look, I'm not saying, but it doesn't depress me. No, I just don't like watching myself have sex I totally see what you're saying I totally see what you're saying It's disturbing What about if you do POV style Yeah, that would be cool That would be fine Slap an iPhone to your chest That would be fine That would be fine Press record Slap an iPhone to your chest You just capture as much as you can I do have one when I was like 16 or 17 You know using my dad's VHS camera That would make like old home movies About carrots attack me and stuff And I would like set it up in my room And stuff And I have one of like But then I look at it I'm like can I get in trouble For watching myself when you're at 15?

[1840] You're a child pornography of yourself?

[1841] Right.

[1842] Well, could I get arrested?

[1843] With your girlfriend?

[1844] For myself?

[1845] With your girlfriend?

[1846] Yeah.

[1847] Probably, right?

[1848] I should destroy that tape, right?

[1849] Well, you could get arrested probably if you distribute it.

[1850] That's illegal masturbation.

[1851] I think it could be considered a child pornography.

[1852] I mean, that's what they catch kids for.

[1853] You're under 16 years old.

[1854] Could you be charged for being in possession of child pornography?

[1855] Well, that's what they're doing when the kids are getting their cell phones taken away and they find photos of them.

[1856] girls are getting charged with child pornography because they have a photo of themselves yes because they have a photo of themselves they sent to a boy they're charged with child pornography see so you probably should destroy that tape what tape well that's like that old what tape doesn't have tape yeah they allegedly had a tape meanwhile how many gay guys are frantically searching the internet for a video of Brian at 15 masturbating not a nice thought no I don't know I mean not for me personally but you know but the the the um strangest podcast ever thanks to Tom Green no so wait what was the what was the thing then so yeah anyways let's change the topic right Marijuana Sex tapes is marijuana yeah well the subject was getting depressed watching yourself fuck yeah and that he should do POV style so I love it when your song was released and then it was destroying the charts for TLC and then you get you...

[1857] TRL, TRL.

[1858] And then did you, were you forced to get rid of...

[1859] Yes, I was forced to.

[1860] For 98 degrees, that whole thing was...

[1861] It's a very...

[1862] It's a very...

[1863] You know, there's a, there's a little bit of intrigue here.

[1864] Yeah.

[1865] You know, behind the story because there was, you know, some some things done in TRL that were not necessarily ever made public.

[1866] Right.

[1867] Like...

[1868] Okay, well, fill me on the...

[1869] The L. What happened?

[1870] What happened?

[1871] What happened?

[1872] What's the story?

[1873] Like the L and TRL isn't necessarily, it's not necessarily live all the time.

[1874] So what was it not on anymore?

[1875] No big deal.

[1876] What was the song?

[1877] What was the song?

[1878] What was the song?

[1879] Okay.

[1880] So we went to Seattle and we were filming bits in Seattle and we were filming to do this song called the bum -bum song.

[1881] One of my favorite song's ridiculous idea and I would go and it was just a silly video of me going around.

[1882] Seattle saying my bum is on the cheese.

[1883] My bum's on the rail.

[1884] My bum's on the rail.

[1885] My bum's on the boat.

[1886] It was a silly sort of like a Dr. Zeus style nursery rhyme rap.

[1887] And the comedy of it was me out in the street sticking my ass on everything and confusing people and filming the reactions, right?

[1888] And singing this silly song.

[1889] And then we played it on my show and we said we want this to go to number one on Total Request Live, which is their countdown music show that they would have every night hosted by Carson Daly.

[1890] And so we played it on Seattle radio and it went to number one instantly.

[1891] This was when my show was on MTV.

[1892] It was really doing well show on MTV.

[1893] The show was doing well on MTV.

[1894] People went to number one.

[1895] People saw the absurdity of this song, knocking 98 degrees, Britney Spears, in sync, and whoever else was on the J -Lo, I think, out of the number one spot.

[1896] So we played it on the show.

[1897] We asked people to vote for it.

[1898] People voted for it.

[1899] It went to number one on Tuesday.

[1900] The show, I think, aired on a Monday.

[1901] It went to number one on a Tuesday.

[1902] This is the song, yeah.

[1903] Remember this show?

[1904] this was like fucking a huge hit this song was big and this was the first song to be like this was right when MP3s just started so it was the number one downloaded song that year was this I think 14 people downloaded it No it was no no this was 99 2000 2000 Okay so what happened So they squashed your song Yeah it went to number one on Tuesday Then on Wednesday On Wednesday it was number one again Okay and then on 3rd Thursday, it was number one again.

[1905] And then we got a call on Thursday at the office, and they're saying, guys, we want you to kind of play ball with us here.

[1906] And we're like, well, what's the deal?

[1907] They said, well, you know, we need you to go on the show on Friday and retire the bum bum song and take it off the countdown.

[1908] And we're like, why?

[1909] We got the number one song in America on MTV, man. Yeah, right.

[1910] This is amazing, right?

[1911] Make money off this shit.

[1912] This is unbelievable.

[1913] Let's keep it number one.

[1914] They go, well, the thing is we've pre -taped the show next week, Because Carson's going to be in San Francisco and all this stuff.

[1915] So it's kind of like who we think's going to be.

[1916] And we hadn't predicted you airing the show on Monday and it instantly going to number one.

[1917] So it kind of screws up next week's pre -tape, which is all in the can.

[1918] So can you go on on a Friday and just retire it?

[1919] And we'll give you like a retirement home plaque.

[1920] And then, you know, I was on MTV and I had my show on MTV and I didn't want to get fired, right?

[1921] Everybody's already mad at me about all this other shit, screaming at me all day about, you know, I want to suck milk out of a cow's utter because I think it'll be crazy.

[1922] put it on TV and they're like you can't you can't do that you know we're arguing nonstop it was like it was the most stressful time of my life and that's saying something because I'm pretty stressed out right now too not right now but most of the time you know and so so I'm on the show and I'm getting yelled at all the time by everybody everyone's always screaming at each other trying to like you know make the show crazy or make it less crazy and then so you know I played ball I went in I got a nice plaque and you know and I'm not even to be honest with you not well yeah I'm you know I think of it now I think you know we could have rode that thing a little further I could to put out a record.

[1923] I probably could have had some fun with that.

[1924] But yeah, that's what happened.

[1925] That's what happened.

[1926] That's crazy.

[1927] That's interesting, man. You got fucked.

[1928] You got fucked by the corporation.

[1929] Yeah, exactly.

[1930] It makes sense, though, that they would probably cost them a fuckload of money if they'd already pre -tape things.

[1931] Yeah, they would their reshoot five shows.

[1932] It's like, you know.

[1933] But how crazy is that?

[1934] Now you find out what their rankings are like.

[1935] It's all total bullshit.

[1936] They made them up.

[1937] They probably had deals with the record company.

[1938] Like, we need to push 98 degrees.

[1939] And here's $100 ,000.

[1940] We need to get to do that?

[1941] Probably.

[1942] Well, that's illegal.

[1943] I mean, that's quite pay -old.

[1944] I doubt they did that.

[1945] I don't think you did that.

[1946] I never heard anything like that.

[1947] No, I'm just throwing shit on the tape.

[1948] No, they never did.

[1949] They never did anything like that.

[1950] I think it was just basically, it was a very strange week, and they sort of basically...

[1951] So if it wasn't for that week, that song could have stayed on the countdown and become gigantic.

[1952] Basically, that week was probably a repeat of the week before you.

[1953] Brian.

[1954] What are you doing, Brian?

[1955] That's weird.

[1956] That's me screaming about the end of the song.

[1957] Now, is that video going out, too?

[1958] And that's an iPad.

[1959] which is pretty awesome.

[1960] it's actually just streaming on the iPad, but it's not going out.

[1961] That's pretty cool.

[1962] People can hear the audio.

[1963] But, you know, I've told that story before.

[1964] I don't think anyone at MPVA cares anymore about that.

[1965] Well, why would they care?

[1966] They fucked you.

[1967] You're the one supposed to care.

[1968] You could have got paid, son.

[1969] It's out on the yard.

[1970] You could have been driving that fucking song right now in the form of a red Ferrari.

[1971] Yeah, that's true.

[1972] You know what I'm saying?

[1973] You could be rolling with a big fat diamond -encrusted watch.

[1974] Man. Letting bitches no. And they'd be like, Tom Green, how did you get so rich?

[1975] Bumbum song?

[1976] Bumbum song.

[1977] Bum song.

[1978] Bits just try to pull it off the air.

[1979] In two M &M songs, you know?

[1980] They just tried to pull it off the end.

[1981] I was like, nah, keep that song on.

[1982] The Bum Bum song and...

[1983] Oh, you know, those both are the same song.

[1984] Oh, was it?

[1985] When Eminem rapped about it, Eminem rapped, M &M rapped.

[1986] Eminem took the line from the Bumb Bum song.

[1987] He says, why can't I go on TV and let loose?

[1988] When it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose, my bum is on your lips.

[1989] My bum is on your lips.

[1990] And if you get lucky, I'll give it a little kiss.

[1991] that's Eminem doing in my Bob Bob's awesome That's cool And the thing that's funny about that Which is really cool Is that like you know That song is like I hear that all over the world now And it says you're name in it Right So you're walking through That's one of the song You're walking through like You know An airport in Amsterdam or something And it's like you know You hear him rapping about It's pretty cool Who would have Who would have thought That Eminem would have I mean I guess it was pretty awesome When he came up But I mean just to be around For 10 years like I have not met him No But he let us use that song And Freddie got fingered through You know, we had to license it, but he doesn't license music out that much.

[1992] He gives a sweet deal.

[1993] We got to put it in the credit roll of Freddy got fingered, so that was pretty cool.

[1994] Thank you.

[1995] That is awesome.

[1996] Thank you, Marshall.

[1997] That's very cool.

[1998] Marshall Mathers, yeah.

[1999] No, that's pretty cool, yeah.

[2000] Do you still write music?

[2001] Do you ever think about doing another hits?

[2002] You know, I have a friend of mine who's a really cool producer here in town who I make music with sometimes.

[2003] His name's Detail, and he does a lot of cool music.

[2004] And I just do it for fun.

[2005] home studio for fun.

[2006] You know, got the pro tools and the Mac computer.

[2007] That's cool.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] So you got your fingers in all aspects of show business.

[2010] You're always doing something for you.

[2011] It's more like a hobby, you know, it's more just a fun thing, but it's a fun thing.

[2012] You know, the songs I make are so ridiculous that they're never, I don't think I'm really, there ever would be sort of any mainstream.

[2013] So I think the stand -up thing is an interesting subject because you didn't do stand -up for a long time.

[2014] You did stand -up when you were like 15, 16.

[2015] Yeah.

[2016] And then you stopped for like, God, what, 20 years?

[2017] Uh -huh.

[2018] I would do it sort of.

[2019] occasionally, but never sort of as I had an act that I was working on.

[2020] What launched it?

[2021] What made you decide to want to get back into it?

[2022] You know, about a boat.

[2023] A boot?

[2024] A boot?

[2025] Yeah, I do that still.

[2026] That's the one.

[2027] That's the one word that I get nailed on.

[2028] And you get sincere.

[2029] You go sincere.

[2030] You go deep.

[2031] Do you drink Canadian beer?

[2032] A boot?

[2033] You know, I do when I can.

[2034] Do when I can.

[2035] I just sort of drink.

[2036] I drink, I drink when I can.

[2037] So, what happened?

[2038] So, well, about two years ago, Rob Schneider came on my show as a guest on the web show, and his brother, John, also came up, and I started hanging out with those guys, and it was maybe about a year and a half ago.

[2039] John said, you know, Rob's doing stand -up now, too.

[2040] He's been touring all year, and he said, Rob's going to start doing stand -up, you should start doing stand -up.

[2041] And I thought, you know, this would be a pretty cool way.

[2042] First of all, it's in something that I've been thinking about since I was a kid, and I was very intimidated by it.

[2043] I was afraid of it.

[2044] I was in the back of my head.

[2045] I was kind of thinking, you know, I don't know.

[2046] It's just, you know, I was so used to doing the show.

[2047] And I remember how hard it was when I was a teenager.

[2048] You know, when you're 15 years old, standing up in front of a bunch of college kids.

[2049] You know, it was tough things.

[2050] It was a very stressful thing.

[2051] So I've done it over the years, hosting shows and things like this in front of the audience, but not having the act.

[2052] Rob was doing it.

[2053] He was going around, jumping up at clubs around town at the Ice House in Pasadena and the belly room at the comedy, store and we were just kind of going around trying out stuff and it sort of instantly was you know instantly was something that I immediately was kind of like I thought I thought geez you know why did I not start doing this sooner this is just such a great thing you know part of it also is I've been living in L .A. for 10 years I got this web studio in my house you know I'm kind of thinking you know I got to get out of the house sometime here in L .A. I need something social to do that's not going and sit in some loud nightclub drinking with people all.

[2054] Hey, this is something to really kind of wrap my hands around.

[2055] I also was missing getting up in front of an audience, you know.

[2056] The radio, you know, the web show is in my living room, so you don't have the audience.

[2057] So it's just been, it's been an amazing time.

[2058] And, you know, basically did it for about six months in L .A., just jumping up and writing, writing, writing, writing, lots of stuff.

[2059] And I've taken off.

[2060] I've been, you know, I got to go to Australia for the first time.

[2061] But you're doing like an hour on stage.

[2062] Yeah.

[2063] That is very few people have ever gone from, I don't do stand -up to, I'm headlining on the road, performing on stage for an hour.

[2064] That's pretty incredible.

[2065] But when you used to do stand -up, about an hour and 15.

[2066] When you used to do stand -up, how long did you used to do?

[2067] Like, you used to do it a long, long, long time ago.

[2068] It was 15.

[2069] No, what I was 50.

[2070] I was just doing, you know, at its peak, about 15 minutes as a middle.

[2071] 15 minutes?

[2072] Middle, middle -in.

[2073] But it's usually it was five to seven minutes, opening act.

[2074] That's good.

[2075] Amateur night at first, you know.

[2076] So tell me how you can.

[2077] talked to this tour.

[2078] I mean, how long had you been doing stand -up before he said, all right, I'm going to take this to the road now?

[2079] Well, basically what happened was I was jumping up all around town and then Norm MacDonald asked me to open up for him one night and do some shows with him one night just to kind of get, you know, keep practicing.

[2080] And then essentially I and Sarah Sheregi from Gersh who came to all my shows and said, you know what, I'm going to book you on a tour.

[2081] And I said, well, that's pretty cool.

[2082] And she now...

[2083] Okay, how many months is this into your Stena.

[2084] So I've been nine months on the road and she's been booking all these shows.

[2085] Between the time you got back on stage and the time you started touring.

[2086] How long was that?

[2087] This was probably about six months or something like that.

[2088] That's crazy.

[2089] So you just jumped in and then six months later.

[2090] I was writing every day very much with the intention of I want to go on the road and do this.

[2091] It's very impressive.

[2092] It's very impressive that you were able to put together over an hour of material in six months.

[2093] That's amazing.

[2094] It is.

[2095] That is amazing.

[2096] You know, I thought...

[2097] Mike Young was doing the same jokes again last night.

[2098] Yeah.

[2099] You're developing new shit out of nowhere.

[2100] My friend Mike Young did some shit that he did nine years ago last night.

[2101] You know, I approached it from a really kind of the way I approached doing my television show or my web show.

[2102] Very from very, like, kind of, I would, you know, I would be writing all the time and trying to build up the stuff.

[2103] Very diligent.

[2104] Jumping up, doing stuff.

[2105] Very disciplined.

[2106] I organized it all out in paper.

[2107] Now, how are you, is that what you're doing?

[2108] Yeah, I just, I just, you know, for the first, for the first, for the first, for the first few months of doing the hour set, I had a, I had a set list that I actually took on stage with me. And I'd set it on the, on the, on the, I'd do my bits.

[2109] And if I got lost, I'd look down.

[2110] That's a good move.

[2111] You know, Doug Benson brings notes on stage and goes, look, if you don't want me to be stumbling around, wondering what the fuck I'm talking about, this is good.

[2112] But eventually after, after a while, though, I was kind of like, you know, I started feeling like it was kind of a bit of a crutch because I like to, I'm trying to be really physical.

[2113] Well, you don't have to use it.

[2114] You know, but the thing about a note, I don't use notes, but the thing about notes, the good thing is, you know, if you need them, they're there.

[2115] You know, it's like, why not have it there?

[2116] Yeah.

[2117] You know, like, sometimes you're like, you know, I want to hear like Joey Diaz will say, What the fuck was I talking about?

[2118] What the fuck was I talking about?

[2119] Oh, that's it.

[2120] And you tell him, and then he's got the story, and then he'll just run and ramble onto the story.

[2121] Sometimes you just need a little note.

[2122] Yeah, I think I might start putting new stuff that I've never done before on notes and pulling that out at some point or setting it there.

[2123] There's something about writing things down on paper.

[2124] Once I've done it three or four times, I can remember it, but usually I can't remember it.

[2125] There's something about writing things down on paper that's really good for your memory, too.

[2126] Actually, the act of creating a note makes it solidifying your mind.

[2127] And when you use your memory, you can, like, recall, like, what you wrote.

[2128] Like, you could see it in the order.

[2129] You know, just have a set list of just your basic bits.

[2130] Yeah, that's cool.

[2131] The iPhone thing, set list is cool.

[2132] That's definitely better than nothing.

[2133] But I think writing something actually down on paper seems to have the most effect.

[2134] It seems to be, it sticks better.

[2135] Yeah.

[2136] So do you, when you wrote out your act, did you write out a beginning, a middle, and an end?

[2137] Did you put it all together verbatim?

[2138] Or do you ad lib when you're on stage?

[2139] Yeah, initially I sort of, yeah, I ad lip a lot on stage.

[2140] but I have this sort of pretty solid, like, I know where I'm going to start, I know I'm going to do when I start, I know what I'm going to do when I'm finished.

[2141] I actually pretty much know the order I'm going to go in through the bits that I've tried and test it.

[2142] And then, but then often I'll kind of go off into the audience between bits for a second and talk to some people for a second.

[2143] But what's happened is it sort of evolved over the year, like the last nine months of doing it is every week I'll kind of go, you know, maybe this is a little too, depressing of a subject matter to talk off the top.

[2144] So then I'll move it sort of later in the act.

[2145] And it's kind of, it's been fun.

[2146] It's been really fun and challenging, you know, doing it.

[2147] And I sort of shuffling things around all the time.

[2148] And so it's been cool.

[2149] And I write bits down on my phone, on the notepad in my phone, if I think something weird.

[2150] And then I'll go home and I'll type it up in the computer.

[2151] So do you type it up as a joke or do you type up bullet points?

[2152] Like, what do you do?

[2153] I usually write it out kind of word for word.

[2154] with punch lines and exactly how I'm going to say it and then I edit it and I get it exactly where I want it to be and then then I try to sort of remember it and then usually the first time I say it on stage I forget about half of the tag lines forget about half of them and then I say it but then I get off the stage and I immediately remember oh I forgot that that that and I think the disappointment of forgetting them makes it easier to remember the next time because then I go look at them again I go I got to remember this tag this line this line and so it's sort of it's interesting it is interesting because you really it really is kind of cool you know i mean again this first year going this full time night after night but to just you know people tell you know you got to get up it's like a muscle you get up on stage you start to retain it differently and and you know you know there's been obviously periods for two three weeks where i haven't done a show this year and then you know you get back on it's weird you can't remember anything yeah i take a week or two off all the time and when i come back on stage i'm like i always have to do a warm -up set i do something in town in LA and then it charges it and then that's the only time well that's the time where I'll go over material just to like familiarize myself with what I've been talking about most recently so I have like my iPhone records all my sets and I get recordings from Brian too so then I take them and I put them on my iPod and then I just listen to my planes yeah oh yeah so it makes you dissect your shit it's also uncomfortable an audio recording be better than what you're listening to you know you want to tighten it up and this and that oh yeah that's cool right you're not hearing it for the first time you're hearing it for the you know fucking 400th time and it's you know, you really start breaking shit down.

[2155] So you record it in an iPod?

[2156] Sometimes on my iPhone, sometimes I get it from him.

[2157] He, you know, plugs up a MP3 recorder.

[2158] That's a good idea.

[2159] That's helpful.

[2160] Because then you can hear the little things that you say.

[2161] So you're enjoying it, man. You're enjoying this, the whole process.

[2162] Yeah, it's been really, really fun.

[2163] And, you know, I think, like what we were talking about when we were, you know, having coffee when I got here in the kitchen, you know, we were talking about, you were talking about how it's just nice to be in an independent thing where, you know, you want to come up but the crazy idea, you know, there's a funny thought, and you go up and you can try it, and there's no, you know, somebody coming in telling you not to say this or do that.

[2164] The most frustrating thing for anybody controversial like you is got to be a bunch of executives that have their ideas about what they think is going to be funny, and they're imposing it.

[2165] And you're like, look, it may not be funny for you.

[2166] It might not be funny for three people in this room, but four people in this room might think it's the funniest shit they've ever seen.

[2167] Yeah.

[2168] And you're going for those four people, and these people can never see that.

[2169] all they can see is but you're losing three if you just took this back this person would still like it you'd still get the original people and we'd have two more people that like it yeah that's how they think they think in these nutty numbers and they're not thinking creatively and then you end up spending most of your time dealing with that and at the end of it all you're never really sure you know what it would have been if you'd just sort of gone wild on your own but that's a beautiful thing about the stage and just being on the road has been really fun it's been you know been really fun it's been a good way I also thought it'd be a cool way to go out and film stuff for my website because I always wanted to, I've always said, hey, it'd be cool to take my web show, you know, and go to different cities and see the people that watch the web show.

[2170] You know, people call in on Tom Green .com, you know, they call in on Skype.

[2171] I know, I recognize every show I go to.

[2172] It's so bizarre, you know.

[2173] Every show I go to, I recognize 10 people in the audience.

[2174] I'm, hey, John, how you doing?

[2175] You know, I've never been to the city before, you know, and it's like, hey, you know.

[2176] We've got to set up Skype, dude.

[2177] We got to do that.

[2178] I'm just scared of 4chan.

[2179] You scared of 4chan?

[2180] Yeah.

[2181] Don't be scared.

[2182] Oh, yeah, that's fun.

[2183] That's fun.

[2184] It just gives you somebody to, you know, it's a, to fuck with them.

[2185] You should never admit that you're scared of them.

[2186] Huh?

[2187] You should never admit it.

[2188] You're fucked up.

[2189] I'm not scared of them.

[2190] You already fucked up.

[2191] You already fucked up.

[2192] I want to join them.

[2193] There we go.

[2194] Now we're talking.

[2195] Well, you know, the thing is, is with the, I mean, to give you a little bit of, of an idea here, okay?

[2196] So what we've done in my sight, because 4chan was, was, I found, did some fairly clever and ridiculous and absurd prank calls on us constantly.

[2197] Barrow roll.

[2198] Completely irrelevant and obviously the most annoying thing because it's completely irrelevant I'm sitting here with a guest.

[2199] But that was on the phone but on Skype it's a much more difficult for them to do that because we've created a system which I'll tell you about off air actually I'll tell you about off air.

[2200] Off air.

[2201] You're motherfuckers.

[2202] You ain't getting time.

[2203] Got to stay one step ahead of the 4chan guys but I'll tell you all system for Skype that you can actually use that will help in that area.

[2204] 4chan!

[2205] Don't do it.

[2206] You fucked up.

[2207] You heard everybody's ears and you pissed a bunch of people off.

[2208] They're coming after you now, dude.

[2209] You're fucked up.

[2210] They went after that bitch that threw puppies in the river.

[2211] They got her.

[2212] Was that loud?

[2213] 4chan got that hookup.

[2214] It was all right.

[2215] It was a little on the wrong side.

[2216] I think I'm losing my hearing because of stuff like that too.

[2217] Do you?

[2218] Me too.

[2219] Yeah, I think I'm starting to lose my hearing.

[2220] I've noticed a lot of times.

[2221] I'm in conversations with people and they're talking to me as if I should be able to hear what they're saying.

[2222] Exactly.

[2223] Same with me and I'm like thinking maybe I'm just not paying attention to them but I can't hear them.

[2224] It's probably from having your ears blown out from people like me. Is that what it is or is it just a bunch of people that are talking all soft?

[2225] Right.

[2226] It's up bitch.

[2227] Talk like a fucking normal person.

[2228] Some people just mumble man. Certain frequencies too when people have that sort of that frequency of voice you're in a noisy area.

[2229] Are you doing comedy?

[2230] Tell me about what are you talking about on stage?

[2231] How knowing is that.

[2232] What kind of stuff do you talk about?

[2233] That is the dumbest question.

[2234] I mean, I know it's like, it's a relevant question.

[2235] But for a comic, what do you what are things you're talking about right now?

[2236] Well, let me tell you, I think Sarah Palin is dumb.

[2237] Yeah, let me do the bit right now, which doesn't really, you know.

[2238] I think killer whales are smart.

[2239] It shouldn't be in pools.

[2240] I think, let me just take what they're going on right now.

[2241] UFOs, a lot of UFO stuff going on, huh?

[2242] Isn't there?

[2243] I'm not going to a little UFO, but you're going to tell somebody exactly what you talk about.

[2244] Because I think that people, when they ask that question you know don't understand how important the audience is when you're telling these jokes you know it's it's it's it's so much part of it so you know you need the audience there it's that's that's the that's it's that's it's that's that's that's it's cool so wait the UFO thing uh if you have you've been paying attention to what's going on that's something that I want you and appointed a liaison or a spokesperson for the American for for the human race rather in communication when aliens land yeah really it's some yeah some weird looking chick.

[2245] She's like very like, it's not Sarah Pale.

[2246] Very man looking.

[2247] Yeah.

[2248] Yeah.

[2249] She's the person that they're going to talk to?

[2250] Don't get me wrong.

[2251] She's strange looking.

[2252] She's the person that they're going to talk to?

[2253] Yeah.

[2254] Yeah.

[2255] She's speaking for you.

[2256] Shouldn't we have some sort of input?

[2257] Say, yeah, what the fuck?

[2258] The UN.

[2259] Who this person is?

[2260] Is that just one little part of her job?

[2261] I don't know what the puck are doing.

[2262] Like, is that like just like, oh, and if we ever get attacked by aliens, you have to do this.

[2263] Maybe.

[2264] Maybe like her job.

[2265] Volunteer firefighter.

[2266] Yeah.

[2267] Maybe it's just like that's the most basic part.

[2268] I hope so.

[2269] Did you imagine if that's a fucking full time job.

[2270] Can you imagine if she gets like a hundred grand a year in benefits and all she has to do, just sit around and wait for the errands a call?

[2271] He's got to feed up, reading us magazine.

[2272] Yeah, yeah, keep up to date and what's important.

[2273] But who's the fucking, look, the aliens don't give a fuck about who the leader is.

[2274] They don't give a shit.

[2275] If they were going to come here from another galaxy, they're the leader.

[2276] There is no leader.

[2277] You don't get to represent.

[2278] Like, the aliens don't care what's the fucking number one aunt.

[2279] Do you ever look at who's the number one ant before I kill all you people?

[2280] You just kill all the ants.

[2281] Yeah, there's no discussion.

[2282] Yeah, you don't have communication with ants over, you know, who's going to die and whether or not you guys can move out.

[2283] No, you just kill them all.

[2284] And if that's what aliens decide to do to us, well, the same thing to us, that we do to monkeys, that we do to dolphins, that we do to kill our whales.

[2285] But they could be peaceful.

[2286] They could be like that monkey that was holding the kitten the other day.

[2287] They might just come down and cradle us.

[2288] Yeah, it might be the exact opposite.

[2289] They might just be like, hey, we just want to comb your hair and hang out.

[2290] Fuzzy, chubaka -type creatures that come down and just want to cuddle us.

[2291] It's interesting.

[2292] I try to keep these thoughts, these ideas of UFO.

[2293] and aliens.

[2294] I tried to keep them away from my consciousness because I think they're giant time wasters.

[2295] You know, the contemplate would if the aliens come in.

[2296] Are these UFO videos real?

[2297] I'm open to the possibility that there are aliens, but I'm not going to sit around and watch some fucking lights in the sky that I don't know what the fuck it is.

[2298] And then turn out was actually a helicopter and you're actually retarded.

[2299] Right.

[2300] You know, oh, you know, I mean, maybe this is a...

[2301] Or it was a prank.

[2302] You know, as some kid with one of those little helicopters that he's souped up and has a couple of LEDs and...

[2303] But I'm not close to the idea that there are something...

[2304] That it is possible that there are some sort of intelligent life forms out there that are capable of traveling here.

[2305] Whether they're from another planet or another dimension.

[2306] It sounds ridiculous, but everything about this life would be ridiculous we weren't living it.

[2307] The idea that we can get the internet would be ridiculous if it didn't exist.

[2308] The idea that you could send pictures from your phone.

[2309] The idea that you have a phone that fits in your pocket and you call someone in China and talk in real time.

[2310] Everything is so small.

[2311] condensed now, it's so much smaller now.

[2312] It's all so strange that it's entirely possible there's something super advanced past this and they can communicate with us and it probably could be here right now watching us.

[2313] But these guys that came out today or that you were talking about last night a couple days ago, yeah.

[2314] That are Air Force generals, et cetera, that have been sworn to secrecy for the last 50 years or whatever that say that they came and checked out some nuclear sites and that they shut off some nuclear weapons and they're all saying that this happened.

[2315] Do you think that happened?

[2316] It could be one of two things.

[2317] Well, it could be many things.

[2318] One of the things that it could be that I always think is maybe these guys are like being paid by the government to say absolutely ridiculous things and that nothing ever really happened at all and what there are as a part of some sort of a disinformation campaign.

[2319] And then it eventually turned out they lied about a few details and that will discredit the whole story.

[2320] And it just makes aliens seem more and more ridiculous to calm people down because there may be some things.

[2321] that they can't keep wraps on.

[2322] And when those things are leaked, the best way to diffuse the impact of some sort of a crazy event or video, the best way to diffuse the impact would be to show all these other ones of similar stories that seem absolutely ridiculous.

[2323] So it automatically gets lumped into, oh, it's a UFO video, oh, you're crazy, oh, you believe that.

[2324] And so it automatically puts it into that category.

[2325] I mean, that's an effective psychological tactic.

[2326] If you were someone like the CIA or someone in the NSA, someone who's like of a super intelligence community, they know how to fucking manipulate people.

[2327] make no mistake about it.

[2328] They absolutely do.

[2329] So it could be that, or it could be that these people really saw some shit, and they don't even know what the fuck it is.

[2330] It could be that, you know, that they're all crazy.

[2331] There's a bunch of could -bees.

[2332] But until I see something, until some shit comes into my life, I'm just wasting my time.

[2333] I just, I don't want to sit around thinking whether or not half this shit is real and Rob Lazar, did he really work at Area 51?

[2334] Yeah, that guy.

[2335] I saw that guy.

[2336] I've watched all.

[2337] I got addicted to watching that stuff for a good year.

[2338] I was addicted to watching all this stuff and and talk about this disclosure you know they're going to get they're going to tell us soon they're just prepping us for it you know the disclosure project I really do hope that they tell us soon because I don't think that would be pretty cool man I think there's a lot of people scrambling trying to figure out a bunch of different things that don't make sense and I think it's very possible that there are some alien life forms but I do not think that our government has shit under control enough to keep all that shit under wraps and to somehow another be communicating with these things I think if the government knows any of anything about UFOs they know barely more than the average person knows.

[2339] And they have some evidence and they keep that shit under wraps.

[2340] They have cleared up some evidence perhaps.

[2341] Maybe if it's true.

[2342] Maybe.

[2343] You know, you hear all the Area 51 stories and the Roswell stories and, you know, the crashes have been recovered all over the country.

[2344] There's been crashes recovered supposedly in Pennsylvania in the woods and who knows how much of that shit's bullshit.

[2345] Who knows how much of that stuff is just some sort of a prototype that the U .S. government was working on.

[2346] It didn't work and it crashed.

[2347] You know, who the fuck knows?

[2348] But I'm open, man. I'm open to the possibility.

[2349] That's just the fact that we exist to ants.

[2350] Then that means the way the universe works, things become ever more complicated.

[2351] They keep going in the same direction over and over again.

[2352] If human beings came from amoebas and all of a sudden someday evolved to become human beings, whatever the fuck we were as single -celled organisms that we became us, there's going to be a similar leap of evolution from us to something else.

[2353] So it literally will be, the aliens will be treating us the same way we treat a fucking ant colony.

[2354] Look at these silly cunts.

[2355] Look at these silly cons with their pollution and their stupid buildings See, I'm hoping what it is is these ships that come, right?

[2356] They come and they start talking to us and then eventually they open up and they come up and they look exactly like us, right?

[2357] They look exactly like us and what it is is we've spread maybe we've got like ants, you know, we're like ants, right?

[2358] They got similar human beings.

[2359] But what's so great about us?

[2360] So then we get in this thing and you get to go to another planet instantly with their technology and it's got, you know, more space and it's not all, there's no pollution and they've so, you know, sort of like that's what I'm kind of hoping for and that's what I'm kind of angling for.

[2361] I'm hoping for that You want utopia That's beautiful You know what you should do You should write a book Saying that you know It's true And then start a cult Yeah And then drink a bunch of grape Kool -Aid And just you don't have to Go crazy Kool -Aid Yeah I think that was in Africa Wasn't it?

[2362] Guyana Yeah Was it?

[2363] Kool -Aid, Guyana Tragedy Joe Jones It's amazing Isn't it?

[2364] South America Right It was South America Guyana South America Is that what is?

[2365] French or Guyana is in South America Is it?

[2366] You heard the audio recording right Yeah It's hot It was scary.

[2367] So scary.

[2368] If you don't know the story, Jim Jones was a cult leader, moved all of his people to Guyana, wherever that is.

[2369] I thought it was Africa.

[2370] It sounds African.

[2371] And they all drank.

[2372] He made them all poison themselves.

[2373] And then they shot a bunch of people, too.

[2374] He didn't want to take the poison.

[2375] Congressman flew down there to see them.

[2376] And, you know, the way they poisoned them was they put the cyanide in grape Kool -Aid.

[2377] And that's why they say, don't drink the Kool -Aid.

[2378] That's where that saying comes from.

[2379] Yeah.

[2380] And that's the, you know, the saying that - So it's pretty major.

[2381] It resulted in a saying.

[2382] A cultural, yeah, a cultural tag.

[2383] I wonder if Kool -Aid's pissed about that, too.

[2384] Yeah, they must be.

[2385] Why would they?

[2386] When they're so delicious, why would they worry?

[2387] Why would Kool -Aid give a fuck?

[2388] Because they're connected to a mass murder.

[2389] That's true.

[2390] I know for a long time.

[2391] I wonder how we should research find out what their sales were.

[2392] Yeah.

[2393] Right after the Diana choice.

[2394] It went up or down.

[2395] That's probably why Hawaiian Punch was born.

[2396] Oh, yeah.

[2397] Probably came out after that.

[2398] Yeah, you think Koolet might have just changed their name.

[2399] Maybe.

[2400] You might be right, Tom Green.

[2401] I think that's a good note to end it on.

[2402] Absolutely.

[2403] This has been awesome.

[2404] It's a lot of fun, dude.

[2405] We've been on for like a couple hours or something, right?

[2406] Yeah, two hours.

[2407] That's amazing.

[2408] Well, it's cool because we get to go into depth about subjects.

[2409] You know, I find that, like, when we were doing an hour, we would just start talking about things, and then all of a sudden, we'd run out of time.

[2410] And we're like, why can't we just keep going?

[2411] I love it.

[2412] We said that when I was on your show.

[2413] I was like, this is so much fun.

[2414] It seems like it'd be more fun if we got to keep going on.

[2415] It's nice just to get into a rhythm like that.

[2416] And I appreciate you having a time.

[2417] Please, thank you very much for doing it, man. I appreciate you coming back.

[2418] I think it's so awesome that I can just run into, Brian.

[2419] And I'd love you, have you come back and do the WebOVision soon at Tomgreen .com.

[2420] We can run into each other at a comedy club and then all of a sudden, boom, you know, we're hanging out to a podcast.

[2421] That show that you did is actually on Tom Green .com right now.

[2422] You can go watch it.

[2423] And follow me on Twitter.

[2424] Yes.

[2425] At Tom Green Live.

[2426] And Tom Green, if you haven't seen his show, he has a whole web, we were talking about the show where he and I did, he's a whole, like, literally like a tonight show on the internet.

[2427] I mean, it's a brilliant thing, and I loved it.

[2428] And it inspired me to do this.

[2429] That was the first thought in my mind of putting something together on the Internet.

[2430] Yep, you get my tour dates on there.

[2431] Come see me in San Francisco this weekend.

[2432] Tom Green Live .com or Tom Green ?com.

[2433] And at Tom Green Live, it'll link to it also, but on the Twitter.

[2434] But I'm in Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco this weekend.

[2435] I've never been there before.

[2436] Fucking awesome.

[2437] Yeah.

[2438] Great club.

[2439] And then Minneapolis the next week and then Canada.

[2440] Powerful Canada.

[2441] He's coming home, bitches.

[2442] All right.

[2443] Thank you very much, everybody.

[2444] We will see you probably.

[2445] It looks like next Wednesday, Monday or Wednesday, depending on who I can get for next week.

[2446] But thanks for tuning in, and love you, bitches.

[2447] Hey, yeah.