The Ramsey Show XX
[0] Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, this is the Ramsey Show.
[1] It's where we help you win in your life, specifically with your money, your relationships.
[2] And in your work, AAA 825 -5 -2 -2 -25 is the phone number.
[3] That's AAA 825 -5 -2 -25.
[4] I'm Ken Coleman, joined by John Deloney, and we are here for you this hour.
[5] The good doctor is in.
[6] The sign is hanging on the door.
[7] So that means relationship, the mental health questions, related to money are just in that category.
[8] And we have a lot of fun together.
[9] And we'll talk about your work as well.
[10] If you feel like I need a bigger shovel, I need more money to get through those baby steps.
[11] I feel like I'm overlooked.
[12] I don't know what I want to do.
[13] Whatever.
[14] So we're taking all those questions, your money, your relationships, your work, AAA 825 -5 -2 -25.
[15] Question for you before we take a quick call.
[16] When you check in at a hotel, do you drop the doctor on them?
[17] No. You've earned it.
[18] No, I don't.
[19] I appreciate that.
[20] I don't.
[21] Because we have a mutual friend, Dr. Les Parrott, and I'm outing him.
[22] He watches the show, so this is for him.
[23] He watches on TBN.
[24] When he checks in, he goes, Dr. Lesbred.
[25] No, he doesn't.
[26] I promise you.
[27] Oh, no. And it irritates me. And so this is my knowledge of him right now.
[28] In my case, my mom and my wife were Dr. Deloney long before I was.
[29] Right.
[30] And so you didn't feel like.
[31] Well, by the time I got around to it, they're like, oh, that's cute.
[32] pat him on the head, and we'd already done the celebrating.
[33] So there you go.
[34] Sorry, Les.
[35] We love you.
[36] My mom name me, John.
[37] There it is.
[38] I love it.
[39] All right, let's get to Ryan, who's joining us now in Orlando, Florida.
[40] Ryan, how can we help?
[41] Yeah, good afternoon, guys, and thanks for taking the time to talk to me today.
[42] Sure.
[43] What's going on?
[44] Well, I would like to know my question outright is, should I hire a CPA to help get my wife on board with budgeting?
[45] And so, it's a good, The doctor here had said, I know avoidance cannot be a strategy, and I think that's why I'm reaching out, is because we are avoiding we.
[46] We don't fight about money because the conversation never gets started, and we've been married 11 years.
[47] Okay.
[48] Usually I seek out a professional when me trying to do it will, A, I can't do the task, whether it's, you know, changing the shocks on my car or re -roofing my house.
[49] or, you know, trimming trees.
[50] I don't know how to do it, or me trying to do it, it's going to make it really bad.
[51] So have you tried to talk budgeting with your wife?
[52] I have, and I would tell you that in the past, you know, she has shut down, she's had panic attacks.
[53] I usually get an I can't today or will defer to.
[54] I trust you, babe.
[55] And, you know, I take it as a compliment, but it leaves me nowhere.
[56] Do you come at her with spreadsheets?
[57] I have provided one.
[58] I've never put in her face, but I said when you're ready to talk about it, it, I have one made, and I've had one made for 11 years.
[59] Let me ask a question here.
[60] So when she default, you said she gave you two answers, not today, or I trust you, babe.
[61] So when she says, I trust you, babe, do you actually then create the budget and execute on it?
[62] Absolutely.
[63] Does she fight against it?
[64] Nope.
[65] So why do you need to hire a CPA when she's essentially following the budget?
[66] She just doesn't want to do it.
[67] Here's the dozy.
[68] We keep separate accounts because she is paranoid of having any financial responsibility, all of the cars, the house, everything's in my name because she chooses to not have her name on it.
[69] She does not want that.
[70] I get it.
[71] Do you budget money for her or is it her income goes in her account?
[72] And so this budget we've been talking about is just your income and your account.
[73] Explain that to us.
[74] Correct.
[75] But I do track and I know what her cyclicals are.
[76] I just don't influence them in any way Oh man John the onion is The onion is unpealing for us here So Here's the best way I can say this This is just me as a guy Who grew up living in Texas I walk to you And I can say Hey my name is John What's your name Or I can walk up to you You're in Orlando Say Ola my mama one Come mostaz Me bien, Gracias you too when you come at your wife with a spreadsheet and say hey I would like to talk budgets with you she knows A she can't compete with you B somewhere along the line in her world the fear of being left underneath the weight of a bunch of expenditures has set her body into fire flight and solving that with insta data is almost never the right way to approach it if you were to approach her with hey honey I'm scared to death to do this by myself or I'm so lonely would you please talk to me about this because I feel like I'm on an island now you're talking to a different language you're talking to language that somebody who's whose emotions feel like they're on fire whose feelings feel hot now I can understand that language I understand what you're trying to say to me the spreadsheet we get to after we get through all of the layers.
[77] Yeah, but John, I got to jump in.
[78] I think that's great advice.
[79] But the first issue is they have separate accounts.
[80] And you're nailing the trauma issue.
[81] But she can't, for some reason, she doesn't trust this guy.
[82] That's what I'm getting at.
[83] That's the bigger issue.
[84] It's not the budget.
[85] That's where I think he has to come in and say, hey, I haven't proven myself trustworthy to you yet for any number of reasons.
[86] And it might not be you, but laying it out that way and saying, I'm giving you an invitation here.
[87] Right.
[88] hiring a CPA, it's just hiring a bigger spreadsheet and calculator.
[89] By the way, the CPA is going to hate you.
[90] Yeah, because once he realizes what you've hired him for, he's going to be like, I'm out.
[91] Yeah, you need a marriage counselor before you need a CPA, brother.
[92] Because the roots of this thing, Ken's right, the roots of this thing are deeper than budgets.
[93] Do you know, Ryan, specifically what the roots are here, that she's, what's going on to where she is this way?
[94] It doesn't want to have a joint account.
[95] she had a financially controlling stepfather that kept them on the wrong side of uh they were withheld from everything growing up to -da ding ding ding and here's the thing um she had a tough um a tough childhood and it sucks and the the pain there is real the trauma there's real the nervous system wiring's real and then she looked at you and said i do and so now she has a choice am I going to bury this marriage in memorial to the trauma I had I'm going to recreate it here or I'm going to do the terrifying scary thing and I am going to seek healing that's a choice he has to make but that's not you don't start it with that choice with a 10 key with a calculator you start that choice with I want to build the United Marriage because I promise you that's not the only thing you all are separate on fair I don't know this is the only we can great.
[96] We have regular talks.
[97] I feel like this is the only thing.
[98] I would love to talk to her.
[99] I guarantee you.
[100] How long you guys been married?
[101] 11 years, 11 and a half years.
[102] Yeah, John, I'm interested to see what you think of this.
[103] I want to recommend Ryan that he pay for counseling sessions.
[104] Yeah, absolutely.
[105] Him lead here.
[106] Nice dinners.
[107] Or whatever beforehand.
[108] Like, to where she feels super safe and supported, not like, hey, I'm taking you here to get this fix.
[109] But I do agree with you.
[110] This is a therapy.
[111] This is a bigger issue.
[112] I promise, if you have everything in your life is on point, it's all together, you're connected.
[113] And it's just this weird thing over here.
[114] That happens so, so rarely.
[115] There's something in her world that says she's not safe.
[116] I think that's where we start.
[117] What do you think about a free copy for his wife, Own Your Past, Change Your Future?
[118] On Your Past and Building It On Ancient Life.
[119] That can give you a roadmap to creating something new in your house so you can talk about money.
[120] Ryan, hang on the line.
[121] Austin will get you both books.
[122] That's a gift, but don't force them on her.
[123] Just bless her with me. This is The Ranger.
[124] Buying your first home is a big deal and sets the stage for your financial success.
[125] So, work with a mortgage advisor you trust not just some random website.
[126] Churchill Mortgage is Ramsey trusted because they help you avoid hidden traps and expertly guide you through every step.
[127] Learn more at Churchillmortgage .com.
[128] This is a paid advertisement.
[129] NMLS