Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard XX
[0] It was just a disaster of the morning.
[1] That was my day yesterday.
[2] Everything was like...
[3] Flupy?
[4] Flupy.
[5] What happened?
[6] Nothing major.
[7] I'm late to catch everyone on.
[8] Mainly just because, like, I was spilled and I had to change my shirt and then those baby things and I tried to park on Hobart, but then there wasn't anything, so then I tried to shoot my shot inside the neighborhood.
[9] Well, there was a reason for all this, and I was early by mistake because I didn't see her text, and I came across a black cat.
[10] Oh.
[11] But then I googled.
[12] Googled it, and it all said positive things, but I feel like that's my...
[13] No, that's a rebrand of cats.
[14] And we all know the truth.
[15] And it was like a real cat event.
[16] I was walking, and he, like, stared at me, stopped.
[17] And then I got a little scared.
[18] I was like, is he going to jump?
[19] And then he ran away and disappeared into the night of the morning.
[20] Oh.
[21] I said, like, oh, it's good luck.
[22] Good fortune is coming your way.
[23] But I feel like that's my algorithm protecting me. I mean, I guess it's all what you want to believe in this world.
[24] So we can choose to believe it's good fortune.
[25] good luck.
[26] I like that.
[27] Maybe it's good fortune, good luck mixed with some crazy.
[28] Yeah, that makes sense.
[29] It could be all of it.
[30] You had a bug event yesterday.
[31] I did.
[32] I had a bug event a second ago.
[33] There was a bug on me. There are bugs on me all the time.
[34] I'm sorry.
[35] I know and we're heading into summer and it's going to be so much worse.
[36] Mosquitoes are about to come out.
[37] Maybe bugs are good luck though.
[38] Did you ever Google it?
[39] I have not Googled it.
[40] I'm afraid.
[41] Same.
[42] Okay, we're both back from our vacations.
[43] Yeah.
[44] So after you left New York, after we hung out with Dan, you left the next morning.
[45] We had the best dinner.
[46] Oh, my God.
[47] Of like, maybe the year.
[48] That was my favorite dinner of the year.
[49] It's only April, but that was so fun.
[50] And then I went to Montreal.
[51] I got a cold, which you might have got for me. Right.
[52] There's a chance.
[53] There's a little chance.
[54] We did share a lot of things.
[55] at dinner, but it was really fun.
[56] I saw my family, and it was my sister's birthday.
[57] How about you?
[58] You had an exciting week in New York.
[59] I did.
[60] I did.
[61] Should we shout out the restaurant?
[62] Yeah, Cro -Cardille.
[63] Yeah, you can say it better than me. Perot -Cro -Dil.
[64] If I were reading it, is there a lot before it or no?
[65] Le Cucardin.
[66] Okay.
[67] Oh, maybe.
[68] Maybe it's the, actually.
[69] Am I wrong?
[70] Well, let me look.
[71] I'm inventing that it's fully French.
[72] Well, no. I mean, I think you're right.
[73] I think it's just Crocodile.
[74] Restaurant.
[75] It's Le.
[76] Le.
[77] Oh.
[78] Le Crocodile.
[79] Yeah.
[80] If I was saying it in my boring American accent, I would say Le Crocodile.
[81] That's cute.
[82] It's like half.
[83] It's halfway.
[84] Yes.
[85] French people know what you're saying.
[86] And English people know what you're saying.
[87] Yeah.
[88] I'm closing my eyes.
[89] Say it again, the real way.
[90] Le Crocodile.
[91] Wow.
[92] It's really cool.
[93] And it was your first paté?
[94] Oh, my gosh.
[95] It was my first patte.
[96] It was my first patte.
[97] Yeah, you were really excited about that.
[98] It's a big deal.
[99] It was a mushroom patte.
[100] It was insane.
[101] So this is your favorite restaurant in New York.
[102] It was in Brooklyn.
[103] We did like a kind of silly thing.
[104] We went from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn.
[105] But it was worth it.
[106] You went to my favorite bar, Beberman's Bar.
[107] We did.
[108] And we had a yummy drink.
[109] An old fashion.
[110] I didn't pressure you.
[111] I wanted to.
[112] I had a lot of drinks that night.
[113] You had three.
[114] I did the next morning think.
[115] Is she going to be okay?
[116] Well, I, what was great is that, you know, like usually you don't sleep well if you drink a lot.
[117] I didn't sleep because I had my flight like.
[118] Did you just stay up?
[119] I slept for like maybe two hours and then, you know, one of those early flights.
[120] But it was worth it.
[121] We had such a great time.
[122] We did.
[123] So that's your favorite restaurant and it was in Brooklyn and we went and it was incredible.
[124] It was so fun and so tasty.
[125] Everything was so amazing.
[126] Shout out.
[127] Guess who we saw there.
[128] Rob.
[129] Nicholas Braun.
[130] No, but good guess.
[131] Nicholas Braun lives in our current neighborhood.
[132] We saw Bob Murvac's wife.
[133] Bob Murvac, who does all of our music, he did the music for this show.
[134] He does the music for armchair.
[135] His wife was at Le Crocodile.
[136] And she lives in Michigan.
[137] It was a weird...
[138] It was weird.
[139] Yeah.
[140] We chatted with her for a bit, and we shut down the restaurant, of course.
[141] course, obviously.
[142] That's what we do.
[143] It was really, really, really delicious.
[144] I'm definitely going back.
[145] It was fun to experience our friendship in New York.
[146] It was new.
[147] Yeah, how did you, what were your takeaways?
[148] Who were we, who were we in New York?
[149] Oh, that's such a good question.
[150] Do you think we would have been better, well, not better, but what kind of friends do you think we would have been in New York versus here?
[151] I need to think about that for like a day, a whole day.
[152] I think, I think we would be a little bit more sneaky.
[153] Like, I feel like we would be up to more misadventures.
[154] In what realm?
[155] In every realm.
[156] I think we would be a little bit more mischievous.
[157] Did I say that right?
[158] I say mischievous.
[159] And you said mischievous.
[160] I think you can say either.
[161] Okay, okay.
[162] Or either.
[163] L .A. But yeah, I think we would be...
[164] Because there's something very wholesome about L .A. Probably most people wouldn't say that, but you can't go out too late.
[165] Things close.
[166] You can't just hop around from one place to the next.
[167] like see where the night takes you.
[168] And I feel like we would get into more events.
[169] Even I feel like in a few hours, a lot of things happened.
[170] We were gaslit by an AI robot.
[171] We were gaslit by your AI boyfriend.
[172] Exactly.
[173] And we, yeah, shut down a restaurant.
[174] There's like a pace to New York, right?
[175] Where more things happen in a smaller amount of time.
[176] And if you're like slightly open, so much will happen to you.
[177] In a way that in L .A., like we went to dinner last night and we all went to bed at 8 .30.
[178] Yeah.
[179] And that was late.
[180] tired.
[181] I know.
[182] I'm tired.
[183] What the fuck?
[184] I know.
[185] It's true.
[186] I don't understand what happens.
[187] There is something about that city and I thought about the people who were there during the pandemic.
[188] You.
[189] I actually got stuck in L .A. for most of it.
[190] Okay.
[191] Well, that city you're not meant to just be in your apartment, I don't think, unless you have, like, so much money and have this insane brownstone or something like that.
[192] But even the hotels, like, I love a new.
[193] York Hotel so much.
[194] But I like the lobbies of the hotel.
[195] You know, like I like to go hang down there.
[196] I don't want to be in my room.
[197] I don't want to be by myself, really, in New York.
[198] Exactly.
[199] And I want to be out and about and going from this place to this place.
[200] I mean, my shopping problem is bad here.
[201] I don't know.
[202] I mean, I would have no dollars.
[203] Right.
[204] The other thing I think this is bold, but I think you wouldn't be able to stay single.
[205] It would be harder for you.
[206] As if that's like a goal of mine.
[207] I think that you can do it unencumbered.
[208] And I think in New York there would be a lot more coming at you where you would have to decline a lot in order to stay single.
[209] Whereas in L .A., again, I think it's pretty easy to kind of...
[210] Yeah, you have to be active about pursuing here.
[211] And you're saying there, it's different.
[212] That's interesting because not this time.
[213] I had no event.
[214] I had no like come -ons.
[215] But actually mostly because normally 90 % of what I'm doing in New York is by myself.
[216] I'll have like maybe one or two meals out with someone.
[217] But this time I pretty much did everything with people.
[218] And I think this has to do with it.
[219] But the last time I was there, I got hit on multiple times.
[220] But it was so aggressive and gross.
[221] And one of them was so gross.
[222] I talked about this on a fact check, I think.
[223] But he was like nagging me so hard.
[224] And then he's so.
[225] bad.
[226] He, like, asked me what I did, and I said I have a podcast.
[227] I said, which one?
[228] And I said, oh, it's called Armtrakspurt.
[229] It's with Dax Shepard.
[230] And he was like, oh, I think I know him.
[231] He, like, insulted him somehow.
[232] Like, he was in a bunch of B movies or something like that.
[233] And I was like, okay, you can chill.
[234] He's my best friend.
[235] And he said, well, would he call you his best friend?
[236] I remember this.
[237] Yes.
[238] And I was like, go, fuck.
[239] Get away from me. And then he tried to get me to go to the comedy store with him.
[240] I was like, you think this.
[241] is going well.
[242] I don't understand.
[243] And then same trip, there was another, like, aggressive guy that was really not wanting to take no for an answer.
[244] So I guess you're right, but I didn't like it.
[245] But one of those guys would turn out to be not a bad or, like, you know, these guys were also probably not your type.
[246] I've been in so many situations where, again, I do go on dates and, like, I'm actively doing it, but also where I've just been at dinner and, like, I'll just start talking this guy at the table next to me, or there's just more encounters, honestly, even if you're actively trying not to have encounters, which can happen in New York because you get over -stimulated and overwhelmed, and you're like, I just want to go get my bagel.
[247] You are going to inevitably interact with so many people.
[248] And so it's harder to isolate.
[249] And it's, I think, harder to be single.
[250] Maybe not harder, but it's easy in LA to be alone.
[251] Well, we had a plan that we didn't execute.
[252] We were going to go on a double date there.
[253] Oh, my God.
[254] We also, he texts me. No. But then it was too late and I was leaving, but I was like, wow, what are the odds?
[255] That's the problem.
[256] Okay, we didn't have enough time.
[257] We had one night.
[258] And so for me, and again, this is so telling about me, if we have one night, I'm never going to pick the double date.
[259] Like, I want then just some fun girl time.
[260] And would you have wanted to do the double date with the one dinner?
[261] Well, it was a really fun night.
[262] So now that we've had it, I wouldn't want to take it away.
[263] But that being said, I always am for the risky thing.
[264] Let's go on this weird, crazy thing that we don't know how it's going to go.
[265] Right.
[266] And that it could go terrible or it could go really well.
[267] But to me, no matter what, it's going to be great.
[268] So should we tell them what we were trying to do?
[269] Yeah.
[270] You should explain it.
[271] No, you.
[272] So how did this come about?
[273] Callie, actually.
[274] And there's a big background to this.
[275] Now, me, you and Callie had a lunch, and you that morning had an event.
[276] You had a married man event.
[277] Okay, and we're going to talk about it because that sounds really bad on face value.
[278] But you went to a coffee shop and what happened that morning?
[279] I complimented a young man on his fleece.
[280] And you asked to try it on.
[281] I didn't have to try it on.
[282] And he sat next to me. and we proceeded to start talking for a while.
[283] And I, in the mornings is when I get my work done.
[284] Like, I'm there to write, but I'm in this conversation with this hot guy.
[285] So that becomes the priority.
[286] And then eventually I notice a ring on his finger.
[287] And then I go, okay, this is weird now because I'm in this full -on conversation with this stranger and he's married.
[288] And so I try to close off the conversation.
[289] He wouldn't let me go back.
[290] He kept talking and re -engaging.
[291] And so I eventually had to flee this situation.
[292] the location and well it didn't come straight from there but that had happened that morning and so I was complaining about that because if I were married to this man I would feel a little bit odd that he keeps talking to this woman yeah and I was annoyed that I had to leave the coffee shop too right then it gets into interesting dynamics about marriage and what's allowed but what also is just good manners like it is hard to know but I don't think I would care I think that many men, and women, people, once they're in a commitment, they still need outside approval.
[293] Like, I just think we're, like, really not being honest if we don't acknowledge that.
[294] And there are many ways to get it, right?
[295] I think women often get it in the workplace if they're working.
[296] Like, I think they feel confident if they like what they do and are good at it.
[297] They have coworkers they can chat with and be kind of like a version of themselves.
[298] that's like fun and kind of independent, separate from the validation that they get from their partner.
[299] Exactly.
[300] And I think men can get it from work, but I think often heterosexual men get it from women.
[301] I don't think this guy was going to try to take you home.
[302] But I think he was just getting a little hit of validation from this pretty woman.
[303] And I don't know if it's okay.
[304] I just think it's the reality.
[305] So I'm kind of fine with it.
[306] I'm actually more annoyed on your behalf than I am on behalf of the wife.
[307] I'm annoyed that, like, you then are in a wasting your time situation.
[308] Yeah.
[309] That's what it felt like where I was like, he was talking a lot.
[310] And I was like, now I'm just listening to this guy.
[311] It's keeping me away from my work and from doing the thing I wanted to do.
[312] And there's no end goal.
[313] Yeah, because you're not going to be friends with this married man. Right.
[314] It's also a coffee shop where there was this guy once with a little puppy.
[315] Oh, my God.
[316] There was, like, a two -week -old puppy.
[317] And he came in with the puppy and, like, let me hold him.
[318] And, like, we had this whole conversation.
[319] And then at one point I realized, this guy as a girlfriend, like he keeps saying we moved and I was like, oh my God.
[320] But then the puppy's on me at this point.
[321] And so that I'm engaged.
[322] And then later, I tell my roommate to come and hold the puppy until she comes.
[323] And then he takes the puppy back.
[324] And then he's doing the same trick on these two other women next to us.
[325] And then a week later, I walked by the coffee shop and I saw him doing it again in the window.
[326] I swear to God.
[327] Really?
[328] Two women.
[329] It just gets to me when I see a lot of this happening in the world.
[330] world, and I try and not let it ruin my image of men who aren't committed relationships.
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[388] Okay, but this is hard because if he just has a cute puppy, because I bet you said, oh my gosh, that puppy's so cute, right?
[389] Of course.
[390] You instigated it.
[391] I mean, it's a two, it was the size of a mouse.
[392] Like, it's so cute and little.
[393] It's, it's, it's just, But you're right, I instigated the fleece comment So in a way, I guess I'm guilty But we don't have to place guilt Or blame I just mean you said, oh my gosh, this puppy's so cute And like women love puppies And women are more likely to talk about Like, you know, approach a puppy than a man I feel pretty confident in saying that They might be like, oh, that puppy's cool or cute But they're not going to be like, oh And like get down and want to touch it and pet it and hold it and stuff.
[394] So he has this alluring puppy and then all these women are like flocking.
[395] And is that his fault if he's just bringing his puppy, like taking his puppy on a walk?
[396] It's hard to know.
[397] It's a, I think it's gray.
[398] I just think if I were his girlfriend and I was walking by the window and I saw all of this, these puppy events, I would just be like, dude, what the hell?
[399] You're right.
[400] Yeah.
[401] But like that's like, Like, Rob's kid is so cute.
[402] Yeah.
[403] I guess it's more obvious because it's his kid.
[404] Right?
[405] People stop you a lot.
[406] That's the only reason I bring him to the coffee shop.
[407] I know.
[408] I figured.
[409] No, also to get free coffees and stuff.
[410] Well, it's like that episode of Friends where Joey and Chandler realize Ross's baby helps them talk to women.
[411] And then they forget him on the bus.
[412] Right.
[413] Right.
[414] The one with the baby on the best.
[415] They're talking to Vincent.
[416] I'm not then striking up a conversation and sitting with them for two hours.
[417] Right.
[418] That's the difference.
[419] Yeah.
[420] And you walk away.
[421] away, I guess, quickly.
[422] Yeah.
[423] I don't know, though.
[424] Is not allowed to bring his puppy?
[425] Right.
[426] Like, what is the conversation between them?
[427] If this is your boyfriend, you're like, I've seen you now three times with my puppy in these women's labs.
[428] What's the deal?
[429] And then I guess be like, they want to touch him.
[430] They love him.
[431] Do you want me to stop holding our puppy?
[432] Do you want me to stop walking our puppy?
[433] Yeah.
[434] Like, I guess you can take the puppy on walks.
[435] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[436] That's prime for castellating.
[437] Anyway, I'll just say, okay, all of this happened that morning.
[438] Then we had lunch with Callie, who was married, obviously, so she was weighing in on this.
[439] And I said, I feel that when I'm around married men, I am much more myself.
[440] I feel much more at ease when I'm around a married man because there's no opportunity slash threat of it progressing into anything.
[441] So I am more like open and more flirty and just more me in those environments.
[442] And then I was like, so maybe that married man, but again, I'm mainly talking about my friends, not strangers.
[443] But even strangers, if there was a married man stranger who's like a server and I know they're married, I'm probably a lot more fun or chatty than I would be with a server who's single.
[444] Because I know, like, if I show some sort of cuteness, then they might read that as an invitation.
[445] And I know that a married man can't do that.
[446] So then I can just feel more free to be me. So you flirt more with married men.
[447] I don't think it's flirting.
[448] I guess if I'm being honest, like, probably.
[449] But it's not flirting.
[450] It's just, I'm just more open to talking.
[451] You're warmer.
[452] I'm warmer.
[453] Thank you.
[454] That's exactly.
[455] More friendly.
[456] Okay, what about your friends with boyfriends?
[457] Because I feel...
[458] That one is less.
[459] Yeah.
[460] I feel that I need some more distance, actually.
[461] If I want to say something to her boyfriend, I'll usually like text both of them.
[462] Yeah, that's smart.
[463] There's a thing that's weird about like if we're just texting each other.
[464] I agree.
[465] I think it's different.
[466] Interesting.
[467] But anywho, so I was like, you know, I bet if I just wore a wedding ring, I would feel more flirty.
[468] Or I would feel more comfortable that threat is gone until I wanted to live.
[469] lift it.
[470] And so then I thought that would be a fun experiment.
[471] If we went to another city and we wore wedding rings.
[472] Right.
[473] It would also be interesting who would approach us if we're wearing wedding rings versus not.
[474] I totally forgot about this whole conversation.
[475] Yeah.
[476] And then how did that get to the double date in New York?
[477] And then it just became like experiments.
[478] So that was going to be an experiment where we went somewhere and we were wedding rings and just like see how people are around us, but also how we feel internally.
[479] Like, I really want to try that.
[480] We should do it.
[481] We can do that here in L .A. No, I think it's too obvious here.
[482] If we're in our neighborhood, people know me and the neighborhood and know you.
[483] Right.
[484] We have to go, I think.
[485] Do you feel like we give off single vibes, though?
[486] I feel like people know, right, based on just how I am and dress.
[487] I think you do.
[488] I do.
[489] Liz does.
[490] Why?
[491] Because you're more open.
[492] Your light's on.
[493] Like, you're open for business light is on.
[494] I mean, you're chatting up people at the coffee shop all the time.
[495] I doubt Monica's, like, talking to the same amount of guys that you are.
[496] I'm definitely not commenting on anyone's fleece.
[497] Okay, got it.
[498] Although, if they were married and I liked it, I might be like, oh, that's a cool fleece.
[499] I'd only really do that, though, if I wanted to buy it.
[500] I wouldn't want to just talk to him.
[501] If I liked a man's fleece, and then I saw that they were single, I'd be less likely to ask where he got it than if he was married.
[502] Unless I was like, oh my God, he's so hot.
[503] Sure.
[504] I'd like his face.
[505] Then maybe I would.
[506] But that'd be scary.
[507] That would be scary.
[508] Have you ever had an interaction with a man you don't know where there was flirtation and you were actively?
[509] And they were single?
[510] Yes.
[511] Yeah, probably.
[512] I mean, I'm sure.
[513] I mean, yeah.
[514] I have instances in my head, which then we like went on some dates.
[515] But that's why this will lead to that.
[516] So I have to already be interested in this person enough to, if it goes there, I'm fine with it.
[517] I don't like saying, like, I don't want to go out on a date.
[518] By the way, the whole story about the double date thing, you were very open to, which I was surprised and excited about.
[519] And I felt like it was two against one, which helped.
[520] Yeah, that doesn't mean anything to me. What?
[521] When it's my own decision.
[522] Yeah.
[523] Two against one has nothing to do with the decisions I make about my life.
[524] Callie and you were saying, you should do it.
[525] And I'm saying, I don't.
[526] weigh it like that.
[527] Like, well, I guess two people think I should and I shouldn't, but that's two against one.
[528] If I don't, I don't.
[529] Right.
[530] Well, anyway, then I was like, I'm going to go on dates, obviously.
[531] We should go on a double date because that's been my dream since day one.
[532] Like, all I want to do is go on double dates.
[533] Not like, well, obviously, when you're in a relationship, it's fun.
[534] But I think it's even better.
[535] Like, I think first dates should always be double dates.
[536] Wow.
[537] That would just make first dates so much better.
[538] But no one wants to do that with me. I do like that idea.
[539] But I don't think the men would like that idea.
[540] very much.
[541] Like, I think it might be harder for them to be on their game, or maybe it removes the idea that everyone's going to, like, sleep together.
[542] I don't know.
[543] I mean, to me, it makes it a more fun because you're with your friend.
[544] So even if you're not into the person, or one of you isn't into the person, like, you're still going to have a good time.
[545] It takes the pressure off.
[546] It's like a team project.
[547] You know, it's like, oh, my God, great.
[548] I don't have to do this essay on my own.
[549] And you're sharing, I think, the hard parts of the team project.
[550] If there's a in conversation or somebody feels it.
[551] I really do like this idea.
[552] But again, would you like to do that on a first date?
[553] If it was my friend.
[554] That's what it has to be, right?
[555] Which this is what it was going to be.
[556] Liz was going to reach out to, she gave me three options of the person she wanted to go on a date with.
[557] But then we would ask that person to bring a friend.
[558] So it's two first dates having at the same time.
[559] Yeah.
[560] I think that's better than if she's bringing her friend and her friend's boyfriend.
[561] It has to be a first date for everybody.
[562] It's not like I'm bringing this couple.
[563] I wouldn't mind that.
[564] It feels like less pressure.
[565] Yeah.
[566] I think this is like a cool...
[567] I don't like more people don't do it.
[568] I would be so excited if I was supposed to go on a date and there's going to be like, I'm going to bring my friend.
[569] Bring a few single friend.
[570] I'd be like, I love you.
[571] This is so fun.
[572] I'm still down for this.
[573] And now we're home.
[574] We could do it here.
[575] We could.
[576] Less people.
[577] In New York, there's more options.
[578] But I could, if you are telling me you're into it, I will make it happen.
[579] Arrange this.
[580] I think we should.
[581] Okay.
[582] And I think you need to make it.
[583] happen.
[584] Okay, I'm going to make it happen.
[585] That's exciting.
[586] We'll do the same thing.
[587] You'll give options.
[588] Why don't we do it on here?
[589] Obviously, you don't say names, but you'll say these are the five options.
[590] This person is a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[591] This is what he's like.
[592] Then this, and then I'll pick.
[593] But again, that's for you.
[594] Your options are the person for you.
[595] Then that person brings a friend for me, we don't know anything.
[596] Okay.
[597] I love that because I'm like, if I don't like them, I'll just, well, just, it's groupy.
[598] We're having, exactly.
[599] We're having dinner and It's fun.
[600] I like this a lot.
[601] I'm going to plot.
[602] This is fun.
[603] Yes.
[604] TBD.
[605] Okay.
[606] Well, shall we do some questions?
[607] Okay.
[608] To what degree should I put aside my own needs because the boy I'm dating is neurodivergent?
[609] This is from E .J. Dear Monica and Liz, first of all, thank you for making my Wednesdays.
[610] I look forward to listening every week on my morning hawk girl walk.
[611] I would love your advice on this topic, particularly because my friends all have differing opinions.
[612] I've been dating a boy for about six months and think he's wonderful.
[613] He's funny, warm, and completely unique.
[614] A real standout.
[615] He's on the spectrum and has made it clear he requires a lot of his own space and time.
[616] This has worked for me perfectly so far as I'm also fiercely independent and not long out of a long -term relationship.
[617] We live in two different cities and see each other about once every two to three weeks.
[618] Perfect, right?
[619] The problem I'm currently having is that his need for space is morphing more and more into complete hibernation mode.
[620] The door to his life perpetually swinging from wide open to firmly shut.
[621] know when this is going to happen or why, and I'm finding it really discombobulating.
[622] And it's hard not to take it personally, especially as when we were first dating, he would be in contact all the time.
[623] I want to be understanding of his needs as someone neurodiverse, but I also don't want to be picked up and put down as in when it suits.
[624] I feel a bit like the sometimes shiny thing that's losing its fluster as time goes on.
[625] Is it okay to ask for more consistent communication or do I just need to understand that this is how his brain works and either be okay with that or not?
[626] I think his mind is complete magic, so I don't want him to change.
[627] I'm just trying to balance that with protecting my own well -being.
[628] And I can't help but feel that neurodivergent or not, he's just being a bit of a boy.
[629] Your thoughts are much valued with love and admiration.
[630] E .J., great question.
[631] Hard question.
[632] I would really struggle with this.
[633] Look, I mean, I think your needs are your needs, like regardless of the person.
[634] Neurodivergent or not, people have elements to their personality that don't match up perfectly, right, with your needs.
[635] It's always this decision of am I okay with this piece of them because it means X, Y, and Z for me. That's who this person is and it's not going to change.
[636] So I think everyone has to sort of do that.
[637] So that's why I think this is a great question.
[638] I still think it's worth communicating.
[639] One million percent.
[640] Because if you want to be together, this is going to have to be not.
[641] like a covert but like an overt conversation.
[642] Yeah, maybe over and over and over again.
[643] And this might be your biggest issue slash like an issue that never is fully quote unquote fixed and that will require the both of you to come to like a compromise about.
[644] I did it someone who was very much like this and I remember talking to my therapist about it and at the beginning sort of attributing a lot of his behaviors of distance and isolation to this neurodivergence.
[645] And at one point, I remember it shifting to like, well, is that the neurodivergence or is he kind of using these things as an excuse?
[646] What is, I mean, not just being a boy, but clear avoidance and sort of refusal and just to take it one step further.
[647] In my case, when I brought it up, there wasn't a lot of interest about how it affected me. There was more defensiveness and being like, well, even if I don't write to you, that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you, which I was like, how am I supposed to guess, right?
[648] And be a mind reader.
[649] And that's when it just became clear, like, this isn't going to work long term because this person isn't really interested in how this is affecting me. Like, that should be the conversation.
[650] And at least, even if the thing doesn't get fixed, quote unquote, completely, they're interested in how you're being affected by their neurodivergence.
[651] And without ever bringing it up, you'd never know.
[652] And I understand the reluctance to bring it up because you don't want it to be perceived as intolerant or you don't want it to kind of create shame, but it is going to affect the relationship.
[653] And even when we think about neurodivergence, I think autism.
[654] comes up as one of the neurodivergences that will, like, affect the relationship a lot.
[655] But even ADHD, like, I was just home and my mom has ADHD, was diagnosed after I was diagnosed.
[656] Oh, really?
[657] Oh, yeah.
[658] And I had to be like, hi, this is, you have ADHD.
[659] And then what's interesting is that I think it gave a lot more understanding to my dad than it did to my mom.
[660] Like, it helped my dad understand my mom, the relationship, that the things that she was doing weren't because she didn't care about him, but they were literally a result of her brain being different.
[661] When I talked to my dad about it, you know, it was like the way that someone's brain is is not their fault, but it is their responsibility.
[662] It is their responsibility, yes.
[663] When it comes to connecting with others, I mean, this is life.
[664] And compromise is a part of it, regardless of who you are.
[665] And so I don't know, but maybe the neurodivergence is going to stop him from being able to meet you exactly where you want.
[666] Together, you guys can come up with some sort of system so that you feel safer.
[667] And if he is willing to do that, I think that's a great step.
[668] And, like, that also tells you a lot that he's taking your needs into consideration.
[669] But if he's not willing, I think that's a bigger issue.
[670] Right.
[671] I mean, how are you going to be in a long -term relationship?
[672] You can't feel like this forever.
[673] Yeah.
[674] And the more specific, the better with neurodivergence in general.
[675] So saying, I need to do.
[676] get a text from you.
[677] If you're in a long -distance relationship, whatever that means to you, like, every day or once every two days, I need there to be a text or a phone call.
[678] Or, again, if texting is overwhelming for him, just learn what works for him.
[679] And then, again, you're going to have to move a little bit to the center, but he's going to have to move a little bit to the center.
[680] When I think about any relationship issue, I'm like, if both people are moving a little bit, that's great.
[681] If one person's constantly the one moving, like, that's the problem.
[682] And then resentment.
[683] I mean, there's just no way.
[684] You're ignoring your knees, and you're eventually going to be annoyed about that.
[685] Yeah.
[686] Yeah.
[687] Okay.
[688] Good question, though.
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[712] Me too.
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[741] Oh.
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[743] Oh, this is tricky.
[744] Okay.
[745] My BFF kid sucks.
[746] This is from Angela.
[747] Hi, Monica and Liz.
[748] Longtime listener, first time caller.
[749] I'm in an odd position.
[750] My best friend of 10 plus years magically had our first babies within a few weeks of each other.
[751] We're obviously gone through all of the pregnancy, birth, parenting things around the same time, and it's been so lovely having someone to the thick of it with me. We've always joked how we do things opposite of each other at every junction, but still remain so close and respect each other's decisions.
[752] Now we have toddlers, and the more time we spend together, the difference in parenting decisions is glaring.
[753] From behavior, discipline, sugar intake, sleeping, eating, potty training, it's hard for me to not think about the, quote, bad habits that are rubbing off on my kid and setting unrealistic expectations.
[754] After every weekend together, it's like we have to reset and go back to real life.
[755] For example, when one kid is getting a sugary treat every 30 minutes, it's difficult for me to be the party pooper that, God forbid, serves a meal with some sort of protein and water to drink.
[756] How can I gently set boundaries and not ruin the friendship?
[757] Oh.
[758] Kids are so hard.
[759] And I've seen in my own friendship group, I think it's beautiful.
[760] Everyone is parents very differently, but it all is fairly cohesive.
[761] There's not these massive, massive differences, but there are differences.
[762] And basically, it's your responsibility in your own family to tell your own kid, these are the rules in our house.
[763] And so I know Johnny gets 14 donuts a day, but that's not the rule here because I want you to have growing food.
[764] Whatever the rule is, whatever the real reason is.
[765] It sucks that you're being put in that position.
[766] but it's just sort of standing by your own rules.
[767] It's not about changing her rules, which I don't think she's really saying.
[768] But I guess distance, if you're really like this is taking a toll, then maybe you don't see them every weekend.
[769] But you need to figure out how that's going to affect you.
[770] Like if you really love having this mom in your life and this best friend in your life, I think you can just remember that boundaries are the things you won't do, not asking someone else to do something.
[771] Yeah, I also think like this is going to happen.
[772] I remember being a kid, and at my house, there were certain rules.
[773] There's a whole TikTok trend about, like, if you were an ingredients household, like, you had no snacks.
[774] Oh.
[775] And so you would end up eating, like, chocolate chips as, like, a treat.
[776] That's what I do now.
[777] Yeah, those are, like, cookie.
[778] There's no cookies.
[779] There was no soda.
[780] That was insane.
[781] The idea that I could have soda with dinner was crazy.
[782] But then I'd go to my friend's houses, and there's different rules in every house.
[783] Yeah.
[784] They have different channels.
[785] They have cable, and you don't.
[786] They're allowed to do whatever.
[787] And so that's kind of part of childhood.
[788] You know, I understand it's probably harder when they're younger for kids to understand that, but it's going to happen.
[789] Kids are going to be pissed off and, like, that's kind of part of life.
[790] I don't think it's, you have to ensure that you're always, you know, on the same page with everyone that your kid will ever interact with.
[791] And right now, it seems like you are a little bit in charge of who they're hanging out with, but eventually you won't.
[792] And so why not get used to it now to, like, you know, have those kind of tough conversations with their kids for them to understand that they can't always get what they want.
[793] That's how they do it in that house and we have our own rules here.
[794] That's it.
[795] It is going to be annoying for a bit.
[796] They are going to probably throw tantrums.
[797] And I'm like, why can't I am this?
[798] And you can tell them why.
[799] You don't have to feel scared to say, I don't think sugar is good for your body.
[800] And you can say it if you need to in front of them.
[801] You don't have to tiptoe around it.
[802] Stick to your rule.
[803] But I don't know that you need to like remove the person.
[804] Yeah.
[805] Unless you don't feel good when you, you know, maybe you're going to hang out with other people for a while or less often.
[806] I understand it's like you want it to be fun for you.
[807] parent.
[808] And if you're constantly kind of disciplining instead of hanging out and having more leisurely time, then like, yeah, it might be time to step away a little bit.
[809] And like, you probably won't agree with this.
[810] But I also think if you're openly saying these things, I would want my friends to be a little bit aware that the behavior was bad.
[811] Yeah.
[812] Or like, okay, maybe when we're hanging out with them, we'll sort of adjust a little bit.
[813] That's what I would maybe expect over time.
[814] If you're saying things directly and honestly, and like, to your own kid, you're not saying it to them.
[815] But maybe that's I don't think I'm following.
[816] Like, if we're hanging out and I'm constantly having to tell my kid, no, you can't have this and you're constantly bringing popsicles and stuff that my kid can't have, I would also expect you as my friend to kind of notice.
[817] But maybe that's too much.
[818] I don't think it's too much.
[819] That could be a conversation.
[820] I think it's hard to tell somebody else what to do and what not to do.
[821] But I guess you could try to have that conversation.
[822] Like, my kid is struggling a lot with sugar, so I'm trying to have less of it in the house.
[823] Do you think today we could try to do no sugar?
[824] Can I bring snacks, you know?
[825] But ultimately it is just about sticking to your own rules.
[826] That's a good question.
[827] And this is hard.
[828] Kids make things really hard.
[829] Everyone parents differently.
[830] Every kid is different.
[831] The kids in a group will get in fights.
[832] How do the parents react to the kids getting in fights?
[833] I'm very impressed with my friend group.
[834] I think everyone navigates it really, really well.
[835] I think the grownups are good about understanding that kids are kids.
[836] and when they are upset with each other, it's not reflective of the grownups.
[837] Yeah, they're good.
[838] I appreciate that.
[839] But kids are going to yell each other, getting big fights, they're going to cry.
[840] It's going to happen.
[841] Okay, do we have time for one more?
[842] I think so.
[843] It's 11 -11.
[844] Of course.
[845] Black Cat, 11 -11.
[846] Oh, my gosh.
[847] Okay, let's do...
[848] Okay, this is a fun one.
[849] How to confront my Pilates instructor.
[850] This is from Cat.
[851] This might sound like a silly question, but it's something that's been bothering me and I haven't been able to muster up the courage to do something about it.
[852] I go to Pilates classes five times a week at a small studio where the instructor is the owner.
[853] She has one of those room fresheners that automatically sprays fragrance every so often.
[854] I find the smell way too strong and it makes me hold my breath every time.
[855] Not great when you're working out.
[856] I also worry about all the endocrine disrupting cancer -causing chemicals and try to only use natural and non -toxic products, especially since I have an increased risk of cancer from Bracca.
[857] How do I approach her about this?
[858] Or should I just suck it up and live with it since it's her studio?
[859] I've thought about suggesting or even buying her a diffuser with essential oils instead.
[860] But I'm a bit shy and bringing it up makes me nervous.
[861] Ooh.
[862] I would change studios.
[863] Because if you're sensitive to all of this, probably the cleaning products are like, you know, there's going to be other things that might not, you know, maybe I would call in.
[864] Again, I would change studios because I can't do confrontation even though this is like not even confrontation for most people.
[865] If it was the only one near me and like I need to go there, I would probably try and do it like anonymously.
[866] Like I would write an email.
[867] It's not bad.
[868] I would do that a million times before having the conversation.
[869] But this is my worst nightmare.
[870] This is my mom's full -time job.
[871] When I was a kid, particularly when I was with her, so I was always embarrassed by it.
[872] If there was something she didn't think was clean or environmentally friendly, we would go and buy like chips at a gas station and she would yell at them for having like porn magazines.
[873] at my eyesight.
[874] Which again, looking back, I'm like, everything she said made sense, but she had no qualms about it, and I just would be mortified.
[875] So I think it's like a weird thing that I have about it.
[876] But my mom, you could, my mom would do it for you.
[877] That would be my advice.
[878] Just my mom will call.
[879] Okay.
[880] One, I actually think the same.
[881] I would also move studios, not because of the confrontation, but just because this is something I can't get over about this environment.
[882] So it's up to me to find something that works for me. But if there's nothing nearby or it is just like the best workout of your life, you could do it in an email, but not anonymously, but I think you could say, hey, I love your class so much.
[883] It's changed my life.
[884] I can't imagine not coming five times a week here.
[885] I'm just struggling a little bit with the fragrance.
[886] And say why.
[887] Maybe you can say like I'm super sensitive to smells and I kind of feel like I have to hold my breath.
[888] I always say like this is a me issue.
[889] I'm so sensitive.
[890] I'm wondering if there's any workarons where we don't spray the air fresher during those classes.
[891] And obviously let me know if it's not an option.
[892] There's like a way to phrase it.
[893] Yeah.
[894] She'll probably be like, yeah, it's fine.
[895] I won't spray it while you're in the class.
[896] That's probably how this is going to go.
[897] It'll be easy.
[898] Or if she says, I really have to, then you go to a different place.
[899] I would not feel offended.
[900] It's a sweaty workout place.
[901] She's just trying to like make it smell good.
[902] It's not her identity.
[903] Like, I think it's going to be totally fine if you approach it in a very self -aware way and take responsibility that it's like, this is me, I know it's me. I'm so sorry to ask, but is there any way?
[904] She'll say yes or no. I just have like so much, yeah.
[905] Because it scares you so much.
[906] What's the worst that could happen if you confront?
[907] In the way I said.
[908] I, okay, even now it's challenging me to think about this.
[909] The idea that I would change an entire everybody's environment based on my preference would be, But again, that's my hang up.
[910] I actually think that's a very healthy way to look at it.
[911] I think I feel that way.
[912] Like, if everyone likes something and I'm the only one who doesn't, that's sort of on me to then figure it out.
[913] But I bet maybe a lot of people.
[914] Many people feel this way.
[915] Yeah.
[916] Because also strong smells in a small environment that's kind of cover up.
[917] People spray febrize over their poop, but it just smells like poop plus flowers.
[918] Like, it's just bad.
[919] Yeah.
[920] So I think in this case, specifically, it's okay to try.
[921] Yeah.
[922] And if the instructor says a lot of people have said they need it or they like it or they hate the smell in here, you'll have your answer.
[923] I mean, if this was strategy advice, I would say don't make it about how sensitive you are.
[924] Then you're acknowledging that it's just a U issue as opposed to, because if the goal is to change, you would just say like it's kind of distracting.
[925] That would make me defensive.
[926] If I was a Pilates instructor and I made this decision and then a person in my class was like, it's distracting, I would be like, go to another studio.
[927] But if they were like, I'm so sorry, I'm having an issue.
[928] And I love it here.
[929] So I really don't want to go anywhere else.
[930] All of that, yes.
[931] But you have to understand it is your issue before I'm going to make any changes for you.
[932] If you're just acting like it's objectively a problem when it's not objectively a problem, I'm like, no. Okay.
[933] My thinking is like, if you're acknowledging that you have a sensitivity, you're kind of acknowledging that to most people, this won't be a problem.
[934] But for you, it's a problem.
[935] Yeah, but that's what you're saying.
[936] because of one person as supposed to like, this might bother a lot of people.
[937] But as long as it's not like negatively affecting the other people.
[938] Like if she was like, I can only do downward da, I mean, I'm not good at Pilate.
[939] I don't know if Pilates terms of.
[940] I can't do this full thing.
[941] So can you please not put that in the routine?
[942] Like that's a much different thing.
[943] This shouldn't negatively affect anyone.
[944] Anyone else.
[945] So it should be fine to ask.
[946] That's funny.
[947] I feel like your mixed message is a little bit on that because you do ask, you ask, for like changes in food and stuff.
[948] You're fine with that.
[949] To my own plate.
[950] But I feel bad doing, I don't love doing it.
[951] But you do it.
[952] But I do it because I'm so picky.
[953] I mean, or else I won't eat.
[954] I'm so picky.
[955] So I'm surprised that hasn't changed your.
[956] No, you're right.
[957] This is revealing to me a lot.
[958] I'm like, why is this so intense for me?
[959] And I'm pretty assertive.
[960] I'm a pretty assertive person.
[961] Right.
[962] But there's something about changing an environment, or my mom does this where she'll literally go to a restaurant.
[963] And then she'll be like, the music's too loud.
[964] You need to put it.
[965] And I'm like, I can't.
[966] But again, my dad, it's like my dad literally can hear us.
[967] But I'm just like, we have to go to a restaurant where there's lower music or ask if we can be maybe further away from the music.
[968] But we can't change the whole environment based on our preference.
[969] I'm generally on your page.
[970] Yeah, yeah.
[971] Everyone's different.
[972] Everyone is different.
[973] Okay.
[974] Well, we have some other really, really great questions that I'm excited to get to next week.
[975] And you're going to get on the plan.
[976] I'm going to get on.
[977] On the man plan.
[978] On the man plan.
[979] Double man plan.
[980] I can't wait.
[981] Should we make people vote for the guys?
[982] Well, they can't pick the second guy because whoever we pick is bringing their single friend.
[983] Yes.
[984] But who from the three, I'm finding three guys in L .A. I'll do my best.
[985] I mean, this is my life's work.
[986] I'm so excited.
[987] I love a challenge.
[988] I know.
[989] And specifically a challenge like this.
[990] Yes.
[991] I'm excited, too.
[992] I think it'll be a really fun game.
[993] I think I will be more myself.
[994] in that group environment than I am on a one -on -one first date.
[995] I love this.
[996] I think I should report back.
[997] Should we set up a video?
[998] No, we can't.
[999] Yes.
[1000] No, we're doing it.
[1001] No, we're not doing it.
[1002] That'll be part of the condition.
[1003] No. Is this just a game or are we trying to maybe date these people?
[1004] We're trying to date.
[1005] Then we can't have video.
[1006] I've videotaped a first date.
[1007] How to go?
[1008] We were together for a year.
[1009] But I only did once and it worked.
[1010] See?
[1011] Okay, maybe we should do it.
[1012] No. No. No. I'm going to put a veto on that.
[1013] Okay.
[1014] Even though I should never have suggested that.
[1015] But we will report.
[1016] We'll take a selfie.
[1017] Honestly, if we reveal their identities, then we can't really talk about it.
[1018] We're not going to reveal their identities.
[1019] No, well, if we take a video, we would.
[1020] So we shouldn't.
[1021] We're not doing that.
[1022] Okay.
[1023] But we are going to talk about the options.
[1024] Options, okay.
[1025] Without giving any names and very personal details.
[1026] Yeah.
[1027] Cool.
[1028] We'll see you next week.
[1029] Bye.
[1030] Bye.