The Valentine’s Day Matchmaker Special

[0] Hello and welcome to a special episode.

[1] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[2] This is a little different.

[3] Today is the day after Valentine's Day.

[4] Special day.

[5] Did you have a nice Valentine's Day, Sona?

[6] I did.

[7] Did your husband get you anything nice?

[8] Yeah.

[9] Okay.

[10] He got me up.

[11] You're acting very weird.

[12] Because I'm, because.

[13] Almost as if we taped this before Valentine's Day.

[14] Yeah.

[15] And you are completely unable to pretend.

[16] Doesn't he usually get you flowers or something?

[17] He got me flowers?

[18] Uh -huh.

[19] Huh?

[20] And your favorite chocolate?

[21] Yeah, that's such good chocolate.

[22] And then he got me, we ate at a restaurant.

[23] Wow, compelling story.

[24] No one tells it like you.

[25] What about you, Matt?

[26] Well, you have a nice Valentine's Day that even though we're taping ahead of time.

[27] But was it a good Valentine's Day?

[28] Yeah, we ate at the top of the Empire State Building and then watched Taken on a blimp.

[29] Nice.

[30] Okay.

[31] Oh, we're making shit up then.

[32] No?

[33] Okay, well, I went to Paris that I just got back this morning.

[34] Oh, really?

[35] Yeah, we went to Paris.

[36] Did you meet your French character?

[37] And what did he sound like?

[38] Yeah, he was named, Welcome to Paris.

[39] Oh, my God.

[40] Welcome, happy Valentine's Day to you, America.

[41] Can't believe you didn't make it.

[42] They don't do.

[43] As an improviser.

[44] They don't do Valentine's Day in Paris.

[45] Have you ever thought of auditioning for Sign Out Live just doing your French character and just taping a big fake mustache under your nose?

[46] Yeah, I should.

[47] A big fake mustache?

[48] Yeah.

[49] What does a mustache do?

[50] It's just your French guy.

[51] My French guy doesn't have a mustache.

[52] He's clean.

[53] Shaven.

[54] Oh, then he's not French.

[55] Okay.

[56] Listen, it is the day after Valentine's Day, a very special day for many where they are either sad about their lonely Valentine's Day or quite delighted with the romance of that very special time.

[57] Or happy with their non -relationship Valentine's Day.

[58] That's the third one I was getting to.

[59] I didn't mean to make it sound like there were only two.

[60] Oh, no. No, that was just me getting to the big.

[61] And I think.

[62] think the best one, which is being very happy being just on your own for the time being, or forever, whichever you prefer.

[63] And either one's okay.

[64] We have limited time.

[65] Anyway, I should point out this is a 15 -hour segment.

[66] We have a special guest joining us today, someone who works on the show, the podcast here at the podcast company.

[67] Podcasts, podcast Empire, really, if you will.

[68] Oh, awkward.

[69] More of a conglomerate.

[70] That's like saying standard oil is just an oil company.

[71] Well, no, it really is an octopus, if you will.

[72] It takes Teddy Roosevelt has to break it up.

[73] But that's not the point.

[74] The point is Sam is here.

[75] Hi, Sam.

[76] How are you?

[77] Hi, I'm good.

[78] Were you waiting for me to get around to the point of this whole podcast?

[79] Yeah, I've been here a while.

[80] Yeah.

[81] Let's see.

[82] Louis watched you get older as you've been sitting here.

[83] Sam, you're quite young.

[84] And you've been working here at Conan O 'Brien needs a friend for how long?

[85] Like two and a half years, I think.

[86] Yeah.

[87] You having a good time?

[88] Sure.

[89] Okay.

[90] She's not going to say no. But she meant no. She wasn't very enthusiastic at all.

[91] Very much behaving like a prisoner of war making a tape.

[92] But anyway, Sam, what is your job title here?

[93] I understand you recently got a promotion.

[94] I did.

[95] I am now the social media producer.

[96] Oh, very nice.

[97] Very good.

[98] Well, you do a terrific job.

[99] Thank you.

[100] I like working with you and with Ruthie very much.

[101] You guys are cool.

[102] And you seem to tolerate me. Your vibe very much is I will tolerate Conan.

[103] Yeah, I feel that.

[104] Okay.

[105] Well, anyway, it's pleasure working with you as well, Sam.

[106] Sam, we had you in here because rumor, and you know how people talk in an office.

[107] Rumors that you are freshly single.

[108] I am.

[109] And anything you want to say about that is backstory?

[110] It was a short one.

[111] Well, like I said, you're young.

[112] This is what you're supposed to be doing.

[113] We'll just be meeting different people.

[114] Hitting it and quitting it.

[115] Hell yeah.

[116] Oh, yeah.

[117] Wow.

[118] Okay, take it easy.

[119] Chowen?

[120] Chowen?

[121] I don't know.

[122] I wasn't going anywhere.

[123] That was awful.

[124] Pallin and Chowen.

[125] That's fantastic.

[126] Sam, you went through this breakup.

[127] You were newly single.

[128] I don't know.

[129] I've been married for a long time.

[130] And so I don't know anything about the dating apps.

[131] Are you on the apps?

[132] No. Are you thinking of going on an app?

[133] Yeah.

[134] I feel ready.

[135] Are you averse to an app or you're ready to do it?

[136] No, no. That is how I historically have dated.

[137] Okay.

[138] And most people I, most young people I meet today use dating apps, and many of them quite successfully.

[139] Oh, yeah.

[140] My last two relationships were from the apps, yeah.

[141] Okay.

[142] Is there an app that you favor in particular?

[143] And this is not a commercial, so you can say whatever you want.

[144] We're not getting paid by anybody.

[145] You know, Bumble's a good one.

[146] I like that.

[147] Hinge is good.

[148] Tinder's bad.

[149] Stay away from Tinder.

[150] Tell me, what is it, I just want to know as kind of a friend, an employer, and kind of a pervy guy.

[151] what's the problem what's the problem with Tinder um it feels very like hit it and quit it kind of clow it and chow it and chow it and chow it um it's just a little scary bag it and bag it okay through out the door yeah baggett yeah like bagged used to mean like let's get out of here you know you shag and then you bag you know no it sounds like you shag it and then you're murdering it and then you put it in a bag that's implied listen listen if that's your thing that's what happens you got it If you're going to murder someone, you've got to clean up after yourself.

[152] So you like Bumble?

[153] Yeah.

[154] You're taking notes here.

[155] Remember, if you murder, always clean up.

[156] Okay.

[157] I want to be that PSA.

[158] If you murder, I'll be the smoky the bear as to what forest fires.

[159] We hope you don't have to murder, but if you do.

[160] If you do, hey, keep it clean.

[161] Someone else is going to rent that apartment.

[162] Hey, that crawl space might be needed by someone else.

[163] Okay, so Bumble, and I hear a lot of good things about Hinge.

[164] Hinge is a good one.

[165] Hinge is great.

[166] How can we help you?

[167] I want to help you.

[168] I know that you are indifferent to me, but I like you.

[169] I really like that you work at the company and you're bringing your creativity and your social media smarts and benefiting us.

[170] So I want to help you.

[171] Yeah.

[172] What do you think I could do to help?

[173] I think, you know, help me with my prompts and all that.

[174] Let's do that.

[175] We can actually bring this profile up on the screens.

[176] We've kind of done a little bit.

[177] Do we have that kind of technology?

[178] We do.

[179] Okay.

[180] Oh, look at that.

[181] There I am.

[182] Oh, you look great, Sam.

[183] These are beautiful photos.

[184] Thank you.

[185] I love that.

[186] I love those photos.

[187] Okay, so I'm looking at your Bumble Date profile.

[188] Mm -hmm.

[189] And those are really nice pictures.

[190] Thank you.

[191] And I would just like to put in my own comment about Sam, which is incredibly cool.

[192] And you seem to give a very amazing sense of humor.

[193] And so I think that's the cone and seal of approval.

[194] But let's go through the prompts and tell me how I can help.

[195] I'm surprised you're not telling her to pick up, put a picture up of you.

[196] I know.

[197] Well, if you want to get some clicks.

[198] What would be the best version of you in her photo, not just a selfie, but how can we be creative where it's like maybe you're like deep in the background staring down the camera or something like that?

[199] No, I think it's a lurker.

[200] We could take that now.

[201] We could take one now.

[202] Oh, you know, it would be funny.

[203] What if Sam is pushing me in a wheelchair?

[204] And, like, her hobby is taking care of Conan O 'Brien who's much more infirm than you think he is.

[205] It just raises a lot of question.

[206] First of all, you come across as very caring in this.

[207] Her hobby?

[208] That's a hobby.

[209] Is there one we could shoot right now?

[210] What about I'm bringing you a drink?

[211] Like, I work for you.

[212] Oh, that'd be great.

[213] Want to do that?

[214] You're going to help us out here.

[215] I could be handing this mug.

[216] Yeah, the mug, yeah.

[217] Yeah.

[218] And then I'm going to be bringing you a drink.

[219] Like, I'm your, do I have the heads phones on for this?

[220] Absolutely.

[221] Okay.

[222] I don't know.

[223] And Blay, you do this away from my microphone, but I think my dulcet tones still.

[224] Here we go.

[225] I love your hands ready to accept.

[226] There we go.

[227] Okay.

[228] That is me humbly serving you, Sam.

[229] And I look, I'm obsequious.

[230] I'm hoping that I please the Almighty Sam.

[231] We should choose that as the main photo.

[232] I think.

[233] Okay.

[234] So that's going to go on as a photo.

[235] That's very good.

[236] And then what's next?

[237] You young people, and I'm including everyone in this room who's not me. Okay.

[238] What's next, guys?

[239] All right.

[240] So interests.

[241] You want to add some interests?

[242] Sam?

[243] Here's some interest.

[244] We've got here are the different categories of interest.

[245] We have self -care, sports, creativity, going out, staying in, film and TV.

[246] There's a lot of them.

[247] There's a lot.

[248] Can I quickly say something?

[249] I worry that if there's too much stuff in the self -care area, it's going to send a signal that, you know, I'm neurotic.

[250] Do you know what I mean?

[251] Like, I spend a lot of time taking care of myself and thinking about myself.

[252] That's why, I'm a complete novice.

[253] This is just me shooting from the hip.

[254] Sure.

[255] What do you think?

[256] I do care about myself, though.

[257] You do.

[258] Yeah.

[259] But, but I would say, let's just not go crazy on this and check every one.

[260] So maybe just sleeping well.

[261] No, you could do more.

[262] There could be more than.

[263] One.

[264] You can pick as many as you want.

[265] I go to therapy.

[266] Okay.

[267] So do I. I mean, clearly if anyone's listening to the podcast, I haven't been in a while.

[268] Sleeping well in therapy.

[269] I think those are fine ones.

[270] What if a guy's like, God, I really want a girl who could have a deep chat?

[271] Because I feel like Sam's deep.

[272] Mm -hmm.

[273] Yeah.

[274] We could do that.

[275] No, no, no. I'm not going to force it.

[276] No, but deep chats, this is so preliminary that I would worry that deep chats implies that that's going to be expected.

[277] on the first date.

[278] Oh, okay.

[279] I'm not, that's fine.

[280] Hit it and quit it on there.

[281] No, wait.

[282] I'm seeing, guess what?

[283] I'm seeing sex positivity, though.

[284] If I did this, I'd be sex negativity.

[285] Very sex negative.

[286] It's the whole thing just freaks me out.

[287] What a freak show.

[288] Okay, sports.

[289] What are your sports?

[290] None.

[291] All right.

[292] Already you'd be a hit for me. Oh, this one you're going to kill because you're very, I know you're creative.

[293] Thank you.

[294] You know.

[295] I like art and crafts making videos.

[296] That's a big part of my job.

[297] What kind of videos?

[298] I know you make them for us, but do you do it on your free time?

[299] Yeah.

[300] For myself, yeah.

[301] All right, but does it ever impinge on what I'm paying you for?

[302] Oh, my God.

[303] Maybe.

[304] Maybe I post from here sometimes.

[305] Okay, well, that's something we have to discuss.

[306] So that's an A -term meeting.

[307] Going out.

[308] Oh, let's go to going out.

[309] Yeah.

[310] Well, everyone goes out, right?

[311] I don't go out very often.

[312] Do you go to bars?

[313] Not really.

[314] Do you go cafe hopping?

[315] What?

[316] Does that mean?

[317] What if you go to one cafe and just hop up and down?

[318] That's the kind of cafe hopping I do.

[319] Monsieur, please, if you can move on.

[320] Where's your fake mustache?

[321] Is your call back to some of the French impression?

[322] Yes, it is.

[323] It's called a callback.

[324] So no cafe hopping, no bars, clubs?

[325] No. I haven't been to a club in my life.

[326] Concerts?

[327] You like music?

[328] Yeah, you could put concerts.

[329] That's fine.

[330] Put concerts down.

[331] Oh, wait, guys, you can only...

[332] We've reached our limit.

[333] You've chosen all five.

[334] What?

[335] You can only have five interests.

[336] Are you kidding me?

[337] And do you, are you able to enter your own?

[338] You have to choose theirs.

[339] I think you have to choose theirs.

[340] This is a scam.

[341] But where do you...

[342] Traits, pets, traveling.

[343] Oh, wait a minute.

[344] So we did this all wrong.

[345] I didn't realize you can only put in five.

[346] Yeah.

[347] How do you date if you can only say five things about yourself?

[348] Well, I think there's...

[349] I just leave it blank.

[350] I don't put anything in here.

[351] Oh, this is.

[352] This is Joe, the engineer.

[353] I think we should have been talking to her all along.

[354] He sounds like you know what you're talking about.

[355] Joe's very cool.

[356] I trust her.

[357] Yeah, Joe is super cool.

[358] What's the strategy for putting in nothing?

[359] So I just do photos all from the same room.

[360] What?

[361] Why?

[362] What do you mean?

[363] It just, you know, just use the same room, like just different parts of the room, and then a bio, and that's it.

[364] So like the zero effort adds an air of mystery.

[365] I think just people ask you more questions about why you're in the same room.

[366] I like what I'm hearing.

[367] Maybe we don't check any of these.

[368] Yeah, take them off.

[369] I trust her.

[370] Joe, why didn't you say anything while we were completely screwing this up?

[371] You're so chill that you neglected to help us.

[372] But some people like to put their interest in there.

[373] And then you just have to answer a lot of questions about, like, basketball.

[374] Okay.

[375] Even if you're interested as cafe hopping.

[376] Cafe hopping, that's weird.

[377] Yeah, that's really weird.

[378] I don't know.

[379] I love it.

[380] I just want to use like.

[381] You love it.

[382] I love cafe hopping.

[383] Same photo.

[384] It describes my life in my 20s, was cafe hopping.

[385] Okay, we got to move along.

[386] We don't have much time for this.

[387] All right.

[388] So, Joe, do you think we have profile prompts?

[389] And then do you want to add a prompt?

[390] Yeah, I would add a prompt.

[391] Okay.

[392] Now, this says pick a profile prompt.

[393] It's the perfect opportunity to show a little more of your personality.

[394] I'm hoping you.

[395] Keep it simple.

[396] I guarantee you that you're not negotiable.

[397] You pick one.

[398] Me?

[399] Yeah, pick one out.

[400] a non -negotiable would be if you're not a Conan fan.

[401] No, that's fine.

[402] No. Actually, it would be weird if they were a big Conan fan.

[403] But don't you think, wait, hold it.

[404] Why?

[405] Because then I would feel like they're trying to date me to get to you.

[406] I think that's going to happen already now that we've done this.

[407] No, I know.

[408] No, that was always my big thing was I never was sure what guys' intentions were.

[409] TAC is always trying to talk to me and write me and hit me up for various Conan memorabilia.

[410] Yeah, sometimes he makes me put a Conan mask on.

[411] Oh, my God.

[412] I'm kidding.

[413] I'm kidding.

[414] I ask Eliza to wear one.

[415] See, when I took this job, my wife left me. Liza, put on that cone in mask.

[416] No, no, listen, no, we won't mention me at all.

[417] I mean, I'm in the photo.

[418] What's your my real -life superpower is?

[419] It has to be clever.

[420] How about X -ray vision?

[421] It's like a real superpower.

[422] She's got one.

[423] My favorite, my favorite real life superfice is, I can fly at the speed of light.

[424] And if I circle the earth backwards, I can make it go back in time.

[425] I always heal and have adamantium bones.

[426] That's a funny one.

[427] Giant andamantium spikes come out of my knuckles.

[428] I am Wolverine.

[429] I think it's Andamantium.

[430] Adamantium.

[431] Just say no powers, no superpowers.

[432] Okay.

[433] We're being told by Joe to knock it out.

[434] Take it out.

[435] Wait, the goal here is celibacy forever, isn't it?

[436] Isn't the goal here to live and die alone?

[437] That's what I thought we were doing.

[438] The only hits you're going to get our me, Conan and Sona.

[439] That's what you want to say?

[440] No. That's what I have on mine.

[441] Yeah, but Joe, come on.

[442] I'm serious.

[443] How's it working for you?

[444] It literally worked.

[445] I have a boyfriend.

[446] Oh, my God.

[447] You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend.

[448] Everyone's supposed to report this shit today.

[449] Why would we tell you?

[450] That's creepy rule number nine in the Conan Code book.

[451] Oh, well, you're in a bathtub, in an empty bathtub, and it's just the description says, don't hate me if I, and your answer is just don't.

[452] Can I see?

[453] I don't.

[454] I don't think that's going to work for me. Yes.

[455] But notice how all the photos are in the bathroom.

[456] When you said a room, you meant the bathroom.

[457] But Joe, you have a very specific thing going on, and I'm worried that it's not Sam.

[458] thing you know my god yeah that's true i'm not as cool as joe well no you're cool in a different way you're just cool in a different way oh my god uh these look like uh american apparel ads yeah they really do you're wearing a lot of people are like why are these in the bathroom and then you got to be like yeah then you can talk about i live in a bathroom want to date me yeah do you ever mention that if you kill someone in the tub the cleanup is very easy oh yeah all right let's just move on uh okay Sam, you've got to help us out here.

[459] What are you seeing here that, what makes me feel grounded?

[460] I'm a real nerd about.

[461] Yoga.

[462] I'm a yoga teacher.

[463] That's cool.

[464] Yeah.

[465] I like that.

[466] That is good, but are you cool attracting yoga dudes?

[467] Is that a breed that?

[468] I would like to go to yoga with my partner.

[469] Okay.

[470] Yeah, I'll take anything.

[471] Okay.

[472] I'm a real nerd about yoga.

[473] Oh, that's, this is good.

[474] Yoga.

[475] You know what?

[476] I don't like the exclamation point.

[477] I know.

[478] I know, Blay.

[479] I know that you love exclamation point.

[480] I'm sorry.

[481] I'm sorry.

[482] Why do you always put exclamation points?

[483] Every text from Blay is like, sorry, your dad died!

[484] Exclamation point.

[485] I will say, I will say, I emailed you about something, and there was an exclamation point.

[486] You said, hey, I'm getting you some, I'm allowing this exclamation point because it's your birthday.

[487] And then you send me a follow -up email like two hours later.

[488] Here's your birthday present.

[489] It was just a bunch of exclamation points.

[490] I put a lot of thought into my put -downs.

[491] Okay.

[492] I like that.

[493] I'm real nerd about yoga.

[494] Yes.

[495] This is good.

[496] Mm -hmm.

[497] So I'm just a real nerd about yoga, period?

[498] You tell me, this is your dating problem.

[499] I like the teacher part.

[500] Okay, thank you.

[501] I like the teacher part.

[502] Yes, that's cool.

[503] Yoga.

[504] I'm a yoga teacher.

[505] Joe, what you got?

[506] You can put an emoji instead of a period.

[507] Oh, no. Okay.

[508] Well, I also don't know.

[509] That's not Sam style.

[510] Yeah.

[511] Okay.

[512] We got to keep it, Sam.

[513] Okay, here we go.

[514] Okay.

[515] So now the next section is my opening move.

[516] Start your, start your chats with an opening move.

[517] Okay.

[518] So I don't know.

[519] This says you're in control.

[520] Set your move once and we'll take it from there.

[521] We'll add it to your profile and send it to all new chats.

[522] Is that what you want?

[523] Oh, no. This is like an auto reply?

[524] Yeah.

[525] That's crazy.

[526] I think this is a nightmare.

[527] I think you people live in a hellscape.

[528] Let's get to the most apocalyptic hellscape.

[529] Let's get to the meat of this, which is your bio.

[530] Oh, here we want to write a fun and punchy bio.

[531] This is what people are going to see.

[532] They're going to see your photo and they're going to see your bio.

[533] So this is important.

[534] Okay.

[535] Well, it's cool.

[536] You work at a very cool place.

[537] It's okay to mention that.

[538] Start with that.

[539] All right.

[540] I work at a really cool place.

[541] Should I just brag in the whole bio?

[542] No, I think that's, Joe, I shouldn't mention, we shouldn't mention anything about her working with.

[543] I wouldn't put stuff about work.

[544] Yeah.

[545] So it's safe to say there's nothing about Conan in your bio.

[546] Yeah.

[547] Okay.

[548] You don't have your job on your profile?

[549] I have my job, yeah.

[550] Do you all feel like you need to disclose that you work here?

[551] Yeah.

[552] Sort of like, you knew I would.

[553] The morning.

[554] You knew.

[555] The next thing is.

[556] You knew I had been in prison.

[557] Oh, the next thing is works.

[558] You're okay.

[559] So what's your bio?

[560] What do you want them to know about you?

[561] God, I don't know.

[562] I feel like I'm a very chill and like.

[563] You are the chillest person I've ever met.

[564] Really?

[565] Yeah.

[566] I feel like that's important because I can't have someone with like really intense energy.

[567] And I'm working.

[568] Why are you working with me then?

[569] It's hard.

[570] When I, I mean, I come into a room and I'm, I come into a room and there's heat coming off of me and I'm babbling like a chimp on crack.

[571] And I always see you in the corner, and you're always shaking your head slowly like, no grasshopper, no. Yeah.

[572] So that's good.

[573] You should say that she's, yeah.

[574] You could be like, don't be like Conan.

[575] Just, yeah.

[576] Oh, don't mention.

[577] Wait, don't mention Conan.

[578] But if you do mention Conan, it's don't be like Conan.

[579] Yeah.

[580] That's great.

[581] So, yeah, but like I work for Conan.

[582] I'm looking for someone who's not like Conan.

[583] Yeah.

[584] Okay, we could do that.

[585] Mm -hmm.

[586] And I'm looking for someone who's not like Conan.

[587] Then how about parentheses?

[588] Keep in mind, Conan is very kind, generous, and sensitive.

[589] Oh, God.

[590] But his energy sometimes is a little tightly coiled.

[591] I think you've got to, you know, put something in there so people don't think I'm a monster.

[592] Right, right.

[593] We can't have anyone saying I'm a monster.

[594] You're a very kind person.

[595] Yeah.

[596] He's very kind and generous.

[597] And then can you put in brackets he made me right back?

[598] Yes, thank you.

[599] That's what I was looking for.

[600] That's not something a normal person says.

[601] So it's important for people to know you'd, did this.

[602] Conan made me write that last part.

[603] Yeah, say that.

[604] Conan made me write that last part.

[605] He's crazy.

[606] Please help me. I never wanted to do this.

[607] I'm in a relationship.

[608] It's right.

[609] W -R -I -T -E.

[610] Would you say to me?

[611] Oh, that's embarrassing.

[612] Oh, Blay.

[613] Conan made me write that last part.

[614] I just think it's good if it just keeps going with Conan just making you do this.

[615] He's here with me now.

[616] Yeah, call the police He's here with me now He may come on our first date On our first date I'm not gonna pressure on our first date You just wrote Come in our first date Gross This is a nightmare Joe, what happened?

[617] This is a nightmare profile That's good Do you say I'm DTF?

[618] No, I said if he does He's DTF Okay, for me Like in my stead Okay, okay Okay, how's this?

[619] How's this?

[620] Uh -huh.

[621] Uh, your bio.

[622] I'm very chill.

[623] I work for Conan and I'm looking for someone who's not like Conan.

[624] Parentheses, he's a very kind and generous person, unparanthesis, arrow pointing to that.

[625] Conan made me write that last part.

[626] He's here with me now.

[627] He may come on our first day.

[628] Um, okay, good.

[629] I think there needs to be a little bit more Conan.

[630] No?

[631] He's very kind.

[632] Okay.

[633] Uh, work.

[634] Uh, see above.

[635] out of job here we go yeah when we say just conan do you think people will know that's you oh like she works for conan gray i don't think so okay that would be great it would be pretty cool oh yeah that would be cool yeah he's really cool this is looking for a relationship something casual don't know yet marriage or skip who puts down marriage i'll put marriage oh joke what's that i'm serious i'm serious are you are you ready to get married yeah are you serious maybe this will i'm 31 i'm about to be 31 what's your height?

[636] Five feet.

[637] I like it.

[638] Just five.

[639] Perfect.

[640] All right.

[641] Do you want to answer the rest of these questions?

[642] Yeah, do it.

[643] All right.

[644] Do you work out?

[645] Yeah.

[646] Well, active.

[647] She's a yoga instructor.

[648] She is active.

[649] She's a yoga instructor.

[650] Zodiac sign.

[651] Do you think this is important?

[652] Oh, yeah.

[653] Yeah, you got to do it.

[654] Big time.

[655] Yeah.

[656] I'm a Pisces.

[657] I was going to guess Pisces.

[658] Oh, okay.

[659] Where are you?

[660] Yeah.

[661] You seem like a Pisces.

[662] Thank you.

[663] That's a compliment.

[664] Yeah.

[665] I have an undergraduate.

[666] Yeah.

[667] All right.

[668] That's good.

[669] Is it good?

[670] Do you drink?

[671] Rarely.

[672] Do you smoke?

[673] Is that a cigarette?

[674] I know.

[675] Cannabis is its own can.

[676] Oh, okay.

[677] So, no. Mm -hmm.

[678] How do you use cannabis?

[679] Well, frequently.

[680] Frequently feels dramatic.

[681] They don't have like a yes.

[682] My God.

[683] Ideal plans for children?

[684] Yeah.

[685] What do you want?

[686] You want kids?

[687] Yeah.

[688] That's nice.

[689] We don't need to say this.

[690] I don't need to say this on a podcast.

[691] state convo.

[692] Well, I don't know.

[693] Joe, I mean, what about this?

[694] Did you get into this with people?

[695] Yeah, I think it's better to just say that, especially if you don't want kids.

[696] Oh, I do.

[697] Yeah, it's good if people find, you don't want to be telling someone three years in that you never want children if they really want kids.

[698] Yeah, it's got to come up.

[699] Okay, all right.

[700] So I think we're done.

[701] I think we got it here.

[702] Let's, should we recap?

[703] There's the main photo.

[704] There I am serving you your, oh, no, it's cut off.

[705] Hey, yeah, you're cut off.

[706] That's perfect, though, because they got to know, they got to know that it's there.

[707] Oh, that's true.

[708] Yeah, they could, right, they could see.

[709] I'm cut off.

[710] I love it.

[711] That's so funny.

[712] And then, yeah, and then let's see.

[713] Oh, and then just for work, it says see a boat.

[714] Oh, my God.

[715] I work for a fraction of a man. I'm very chill.

[716] I work for Conan, and I'm looking for someone who's not like Conan.

[717] He's a very kind of generous person.

[718] Conan may be right that party.

[719] He's here with me now.

[720] you may come on our first date.

[721] Okay.

[722] And then your basics, five feet, active.

[723] You're a Pisces, undergraduate degree, drink rarely, smoke never.

[724] You're a woman, you're socially...

[725] You didn't...

[726] What about cannabis?

[727] Oh, yeah, socially cannabis.

[728] And then you want marriage.

[729] And here's some other great photos.

[730] I'm a real nerd about yoga.

[731] I'm a yoga teacher.

[732] Oh, and it's right before you're yoga.

[733] That's great.

[734] All right, there we go.

[735] Maybe what we can do is if you have any hits, we can do a second follow -up for this, you know?

[736] Mm -hmm.

[737] I will say, I think it's good that it cuts your face off because it makes you want to tap into it.

[738] Like I just did.

[739] You know, you're like, ooh, who is that?

[740] That looks like Conan.

[741] It doesn't look enough like me. There it is.

[742] There it is.

[743] Yeah.

[744] There you go.

[745] All I can recenter it, so it's more in the thing.

[746] Okay.

[747] You cut out Sam.

[748] Conan's in the picture.

[749] Yeah.

[750] And suddenly I'm filling out the questions.

[751] 6 -4.

[752] 200 pounds.

[753] I think you're going to get some interesting responses.

[754] Yeah, we'll see.

[755] I will say seriously.

[756] I'll say it again, Sam's wonderful.

[757] And you have a very cool aura.

[758] Oh, thank you.

[759] As do you, Joe, by the way.

[760] I have to say, and Sona, we have, won't you say, the women that work here are very cool.

[761] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[762] It just goes through the whole, you know, Tunisia and EB and we've got a squad here that is very impressive.

[763] A lot of very strong, very, you know, opinionated.

[764] And everyone quite happy to give me shit all the time.

[765] Yes, I think you do that on purpose.

[766] I think you are drawn to women who, because I think...

[767] Who loathe me. Well, I think we're going to get...

[768] And then you should come back and we'll, you know, we'll see what happens.

[769] We'll see what happens.

[770] But I'm excited.

[771] Thank you.

[772] Because I know nothing about dating apps.

[773] And I think this was the worst thing you could possibly do.

[774] So I'm curious to see.

[775] Good luck to you.

[776] What do you mean?

[777] The dating app is the...

[778] Oh, coming here for advice?

[779] No, no, no. Meaning coming here for advice.

[780] This is a terrible.

[781] This is a terrible...

[782] You should have gone right to Joe.

[783] I know.

[784] I know.

[785] Because, and so you should probably talk privately to Joe.

[786] Yeah.

[787] And you guys will straighten a lot of things out.

[788] Okay.

[789] I'm scared.

[790] All right, Sam.

[791] Best of luck to you.

[792] And I look forward to the recap.

[793] I look forwarding to meeting your future partner.

[794] I know.

[795] My husband.

[796] Uh -oh.

[797] Or wife.

[798] Or wife.

[799] It doesn't matter, man. It's all good.

[800] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[801] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley.

[802] Produced by me, Matt Gorley.

[803] Executive produced by Adam Sacks.

[804] Joanna Salataroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[805] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[806] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[807] Take it away, Jimmy.

[808] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[809] Engineering by Will Beckton.

[810] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.

[811] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[812] Got a question for Conan?

[813] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[814] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[815] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.