Michael Che

[0] My name is Michael Obama Chey.

[1] And I feel honored, honored about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Finger bell, brandy shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Hey there, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[6] We are well into our third season already.

[7] Yeah.

[8] And having a lot of fun, really enjoying the guests so far, very excited about today.

[9] As always, I'm joined by Sona Monsestesian.

[10] How are you, Sona?

[11] I'm doing very well.

[12] Very good.

[13] And Mr. Matt Goreley, the producer, you do a fantastic job, and I salute you.

[14] Hey, thanks.

[15] I salute you back, both of you.

[16] Okay.

[17] This is a pretty chipper way to start things.

[18] Sure is.

[19] Hey, I have a question, which is a lot of people are wondering, you know, how are people staying safe right now and how do you even make a podcast and in a safe way?

[20] I would like to emphasize that Sona and I are in the same room, but we have some distance between us.

[21] Maybe you could back up a little bit.

[22] I could.

[23] I'm way too close.

[24] But all the guests are coming to us via Zoom.

[25] And Matt, I haven't seen you in person in a long time.

[26] You are well -insconced in your lovely home and you communicate virtually with us.

[27] Yeah.

[28] So So everyone's, we're all doing this as safely as we can, but it still begs the question, are people being safe outside of this zone?

[29] Right.

[30] I wore a mask a lot before COVID, just, yeah, for night prowling and just spooking around the night.

[31] Oh, let's go back there.

[32] Night prowling.

[33] Well, what I like to, you used to like to do, and I still like to do it.

[34] Now there's more of an excuse, but I used to like to cover up my face and just sort of prowl around at night and if someone's not home, go in the home.

[35] And I used to try on their clothes and stuff.

[36] and it was just a way to be someone else for a little bit and sort of be uninhibited and sort of see how other people lived.

[37] I thought it was a really cool way to, you know, and occasionally they'd come home and I'd have to scurry out the back and...

[38] Or murder them.

[39] No, I never did that.

[40] I want to be very clear, I never murdered anybody.

[41] I'm just a night prowler.

[42] I'm a night prowler who likes to just sort of spook around and look at things, and I've been in a lot of your homes if you're listening right now.

[43] And I've worn your intimate apparel.

[44] Let's just say that, and then I put it back.

[45] So if you had any questions.

[46] I wonder why my underwear smelled like sunsets screen.

[47] Yeah, so anyway, I should probably, I don't know why I put it on down there.

[48] It just doesn't make any sense.

[49] Oh, come on.

[50] I really lather it up.

[51] But listen, my point is I am safe.

[52] That's what we're going to take away from that long digression in which I admitted to being, well, a peeping Tom, a night prowler, a creep, if you will.

[53] But, Sona, I worry about you a little bit because I know that you come from a very large sort of collective.

[54] family yes and people probably feel this incredible pressure to gather i'm lucky no one wants to hang with me so i'm fortunate but you are you getting your parents and your relatives understand when you say hey hey don't come over no no one understands no but i you know my mom and dad have to take it seriously because dead dead dead lives with them and he's 97 that's my grandpa did is that a is that greek or armenian i i don't know you're part greek and you're part uh armenian uh yeah i'm a quarter Greek.

[55] I'm mostly Armenian.

[56] My grandma, one of my grandma's was Greek.

[57] And fun fact about her is her nickname was Tombo, which means chubby.

[58] And when she died, they put that on her gravestone.

[59] Oh my God.

[60] Yeah.

[61] So if you go, it's Tombo -Movsessian, which is like chubby Mopsessian.

[62] She was basically, I've named after her.

[63] Her fat, shamed nickname was put on her tombstone.

[64] And maybe she was a little chubby as a kid.

[65] Yeah.

[66] The point is, maybe she was was, I'm guessing she grew up like in the 1920s.

[67] Yeah, I mean.

[68] So she grew up in like the 1920s or whatever and maybe she was a little chunky.

[69] Yeah.

[70] And they called her, you know, chubby.

[71] And then she probably turned into a beautiful woman.

[72] And then they were like, nope, we're putting it on your gravestone.

[73] You were a chunky kid.

[74] I don't know who made that call, but that was her nickname was Tombo, which in Turkish means the chunky, like chubby little thing.

[75] And then when my grandpa died, they were going to change it.

[76] But her name was Sona.

[77] and they just didn't want to put the name Sona Mopsessian on a graveston.

[78] That's so funny, because I picture Sona on a gravestone all the time.

[79] Oh, oh, my God.

[80] What did I reveal?

[81] Oh, no. I made a you dying joke earlier and then I felt bad.

[82] This gravestone was for your unhappiness, the death of Sona's unhappiness.

[83] That's what I meant it to be.

[84] And I think that's how everyone took it.

[85] Oh, is that?

[86] Yeah.

[87] When you are free of all unhappiness, we're going to make a gravestone to your unhappiness and put Sona on it, and then in some very small letters on happiness.

[88] Well, that's, I'm not, I'm not an unhappy person.

[89] I know, but you're still not completely free.

[90] I want you to be, I want you to be completely blissfully happy all the time.

[91] The way you're trying to save it.

[92] I just saved it.

[93] No, you did.

[94] I really did.

[95] I really did.

[96] Oh, wait, a lot of stuff coming in on the internet right now.

[97] This is live streaming.

[98] Conan nailed it.

[99] This is great.

[100] Jared, I don't see you checking anything.

[101] Oh, here's a story.

[102] This is fantastic.

[103] It's in, uh...

[104] That iPad's not on.

[105] It's in variety.

[106] Assistant Mistakes.

[107] Conan's wonderful warm remark for a cruel quip.

[108] Oh, this is a review and variety.

[109] It's coming out right now.

[110] The red top quipster had a rare moment of genuine kindness towards his assistant Sonoma Sessian in which he said he wished her to be free of all misery and he wished that he could build a gravestone to any sad moment she would ever have in the future.

[111] She snapped at him, oh, that's so mean, you want me to die.

[112] he tried to clean it up and then she apologizes.

[113] There she goes, yeah.

[114] So this is a pretty accurate review.

[115] That hasn't happened yet.

[116] This is one of those reviews that you sell the future.

[117] No, whoever wrote that, that information's wrong.

[118] Anyway, I'm going to tell you a story, which is that when I was a kid, one of my uncles, I had these really big, larger -than -life uncles, very tall, massive heads, just huge heads.

[119] Everyone in, you know, Irish people have big heads.

[120] My brothers and sisters and I all have massive heads.

[121] like caricature heads like massive head and then like a body that even though our bodies are big they can't compete with our heads but this uncle would come over and he was this larger than life guy and a big deal and a big powerful lawyer in Worcester Mass and I don't know if it was because he didn't remember my name or whatever but he'd call me ham fat and he'd go like hey that's right you told us this on the podcast I think so but I don't mind it because I just love any story where you get called ham fat and I just had this orange hair that was cut in a bowl.

[122] My two front teeth were dead because I fell in the driveway.

[123] I had freckles I hated.

[124] I was always wearing some hideous 1970 shirt that had been put on me that my brother's owned before me. I was just miserable.

[125] And then this guy would come in and go like, hey, look, it's ham fat.

[126] You're also called pigeon pie.

[127] What's with you in foods?

[128] I don't know.

[129] My mom still calls me pigeon pie.

[130] If I call her, she'd go like, oh, hello, pigeon pie.

[131] And I'm like, when I was a kid, I didn't question it, but now I think a pigeon's a dirty, dirty bird Yeah.

[132] Then shits on statues all day.

[133] They're filthy and they're covered with dirt and ash.

[134] Sky rats.

[135] They're sky rats.

[136] So the idea that you would grab some of those when they weren't looking, break their necks and shove them into a pie, and then that's what I would be called.

[137] It's pretty hilarious.

[138] Ham fat is very bad.

[139] Ham fat was bad.

[140] That's bad.

[141] But yeah, I think that's, I think, I just hope that you and your family, you've got to talk to them and say, look, you've got to take this seriously.

[142] You've got to be safe.

[143] Oh, I know, I know, I know.

[144] I know.

[145] It sucks.

[146] There's a lot of skepticism in certain communities, and it has infiltrated my life a little bit, but no one's going to be in a viral video yelling at someone.

[147] Right, right.

[148] They're not like that.

[149] They're not going to do that.

[150] No, no. And I will say, your people are, they really are lovely people.

[151] They are very nice.

[152] No, they are.

[153] They really are very nice.

[154] They just, you know, don't believe in science.

[155] Okay.

[156] So let's just move it on.

[157] Unnecessary to say that.

[158] Super spreader, science denier.

[159] What?

[160] You can't do things.

[161] You were in the same room.

[162] I just said lovely things about your parents.

[163] So what?

[164] I snuck into horrible things to say about somebody very quickly, like a ninja.

[165] Big deal.

[166] Like a ninja?

[167] Yeah.

[168] Oh, God.

[169] Is variety covering this one?

[170] Yeah.

[171] Oh, here it is right here.

[172] No. Glad you.

[173] Oh, this is actually a Hollywood reporter.

[174] Thank you.

[175] Yeah, we're getting these streamed live.

[176] Conner O 'Brien, known as one of the warmest and kindest of hosts, went way out of his way to praise Assistant Sonam -Ossetian's parents as being, quote, lovely.

[177] But O 'Brien soldiered on and continued to say how lucky he was to work with such lovely people before quickly muttering super -spreader, science denier.

[178] Terms which Conan put out there for the health and safety of all those listening in the podcast community.

[179] Oh, come on.

[180] God, this is a great article.

[181] It says it gives me seven stars out of five.

[182] What?

[183] Yes, which is impossible.

[184] Does it say we need to wrap this up and get to the episode?

[185] It says O 'Brien then started to go on a little bit too long, despite the fact that he had a wonderful guest on that day.

[186] O 'Brien was then reminded by his annoying producer, Matt Gourley, formerly resident of a living under a bridge in the downtown L .A. area until he was saved by the kindly O 'Brien, who gave him a microphone in a headset and said, By a night prowler.

[187] I was out night prowling.

[188] I was out night prowling with my mask.

[189] Anyway, my, when I met Matt under a bridge and made him, you know.

[190] Why were you under the bridge?

[191] That's where you lived.

[192] Tell them, right?

[193] No, but why were you?

[194] Good improv is yes and.

[195] Weren't you a creep living under a bridge, Matt?

[196] Yes and.

[197] I was going to say yes and, but then you added the creep part.

[198] Yes, and.

[199] So you were some creep living under a bridge.

[200] Yes, and I quit.

[201] I'm glad you quit that horrible lifestyle and clean your, yourself up to come join me. Um, listen, we can't waste time.

[202] And we can't waste time.

[203] That's all we've been doing.

[204] We can't waste time.

[205] And you know what?

[206] I blame both of you.

[207] I, I, what?

[208] You're no, you're the red top time wester.

[209] I am a focused podcaster.

[210] I'm a broadcaster.

[211] You know what?

[212] A lot of podcasters are just podcasters, but you know what I am?

[213] I began as a broadcaster and then branched into podcasting so no one's got their eye on the old time clock more than this guy.

[214] I am a lazy are being focus that will bring us to the promised land.

[215] And that promised land starts now.

[216] I am very excited about our guest today.

[217] He's a hilarious comedian who became co -head writer of Saturday Night Live in 2017.

[218] He's also one of the hosts of Weekend Update.

[219] And I am thrilled he is with us today.

[220] I do admire this gentleman.

[221] Michael Chey, welcome.

[222] Most times I'm talking to someone on the podcast.

[223] It's someone I already know.

[224] There's been, I think there's been three instances you included where I don't really believe we've met.

[225] We may have met at some point.

[226] We did me. We did me. We've definitely met.

[227] And you would never, ever, ever even track or remember where.

[228] So I could do whatever I want with this story.

[229] But we definitely, definitely met a long time ago, before I was.

[230] Didn't I cut your face with the razor?

[231] I remember really well.

[232] There was a day where I was in a weird mood and I was slashing people and I think I slashed you.

[233] You was auditioning for the Bloods, I think it was.

[234] Yeah, exactly.

[235] And it's an initiation.

[236] I saw this guy and the Bloods really didn't want me. I'm going to be honest with you.

[237] The Bloods, they said it's not a good fit.

[238] And I said, I'll show you, fellas.

[239] I'm a real good slasher.

[240] I pulled a lot of strings to get you that audition.

[241] I really did.

[242] I know.

[243] I know.

[244] And then that's how I repaid you.

[245] You helped get me into the bloods and I, in all of New York City, I had so many people to slash and I went after the guy that made the introduction and I feel so bad.

[246] I apologize.

[247] Again, I apologize.

[248] What really happened?

[249] What really happened, before I did comedy, I used to make T -shirts and sell them on the street.

[250] And you bought one.

[251] And I remember.

[252] No, really?

[253] Yeah, right on Prince Street and Worcester.

[254] I don't remember what it was, but I used to make.

[255] to like kind of draw these pictures and put them on t -shirts and you were walking down and I never forget because um like you're you're I don't know if you know this about yourself but you're pretty unmistakable yes I'm told I'm told yeah it's I've always said it's like me and big bird from Sesame Street when we walk around in sunglasses everyone does we're not fooling anybody yeah you're like white shack like it's definitely you whenever it's you but you bought a shirt from me and I was thrilled.

[256] It was like, it was one of my favorite moments being out there like that and, yeah, you were very nice and kind and you were just like how you liked the shirt, you gave me money, and then you left.

[257] No tip.

[258] That's cool.

[259] No, well, I don't tip for shirts, man. When was the last time you, if we ever do that?

[260] You go to a store and you buy, you know, you say like, oh, I like this show, I'm going to buy it, and here's a little something extra for you.

[261] I don't do that in a store, so I don't know.

[262] I didn't know that that was the custom, but...

[263] Well, it wasn't.

[264] a store.

[265] It was a kid on the streets, man, with a table.

[266] I looked real sad.

[267] I'd made sure to look as sad as possible.

[268] I had cold in my eye.

[269] Yeah.

[270] Do you really invite?

[271] No, I think, no, I bought the shirt.

[272] I bought the shirt.

[273] And then now, clearly, I committed some faux pa by not adding an extra, you know, an extra tip.

[274] So I feel...

[275] There's no tip.

[276] No life advice.

[277] You didn't offer me a job or an internship or nothing.

[278] It was just...

[279] Oh, God, no. No, I can't do that.

[280] I can't do that.

[281] I thought it was, you know, I thought we had a good business exchange.

[282] And now suddenly I'm getting all this shit for not saying, come with me, young man. Yeah, I was like you to save my life.

[283] We're going to fight crime together.

[284] That's been a great origin story.

[285] Yeah, I know.

[286] Let's change the story too.

[287] I said, follow me. I'll show you all about comedy.

[288] And then we went and lived on a mountaintop.

[289] No, I have so many questions.

[290] First of all, I am very, very excited to, quote, meet you, even though we've technically met, but you've got, you've had such an impressive career at such a young age.

[291] I mean, and you're, yeah, you've done a lot.

[292] You've done a lot.

[293] Anybody else saying that it would make sense, but, like, you're Conan O 'Brien.

[294] Like, you've done everything that I've done, but, like, a lot better.

[295] I don't think that's true.

[296] Well, you went to Harvard.

[297] Yeah, please, trust.

[298] Let's not let me in with those.

[299] people.

[300] Those people ran the Vietnam War, okay?

[301] They were the ones that said, we've got a really good idea.

[302] Let's get into Indochina and get involved and start bombing the shit out of stuff.

[303] So, no, I don't put, I don't consider that a feather in my cap.

[304] Let's just put it that way.

[305] It's pretty awesome and historic, though.

[306] As an S &L writer coming in, the names you hear about Conan O 'Brien.

[307] Like, you know, that, you know, that's like a, that's those footsteps you follow, the legacy of Adam McKay, Conan O 'Brien, Jack Handy, all these people.

[308] So people used to talk about Conan, no -tip O 'Brien.

[309] Well, I don't know.

[310] Word got around pretty quickly.

[311] He's nice to people, and he'll buy your product, but he's not going to give you a little something on top.

[312] No -tip O 'Brien sounds like a completely different thing.

[313] That seems like a nickname you get at the showers.

[314] Exactly, exactly, yeah.

[315] It was a war wound.

[316] It was a war wound.

[317] I jumped on a grenade.

[318] I threw my crotch on a grenade to save the pletalian.

[319] You know, I am very impressed because I really, I think you're terrific on Starnout Live, and you were a head writer on the show, which is incredibly impressive.

[320] I was not a head writer when I was there, so you win that one.

[321] No one made me head writer.

[322] Barely.

[323] I'm barely a head writer.

[324] There's three headwriters.

[325] I'm one of them, and I do the least amount of work, certainly.

[326] It takes the most credit.

[327] That's how you get by in this business.

[328] Take the most credit.

[329] But I find, and I am very impressed with your stand -up.

[330] I just think you're absolutely fantastic stand -up, and you're such a good joke writer, and that's like one of the first things I wanted to talk to you about is I really love the way you write and the jokes that you come up with, and I'm curious, when did you know you had a brain for that that you could do that.

[331] I'll tell you, my experience was I was very intimidated.

[332] I used to think I can make my friends laugh and I can sort of think of funny things on the fly and make people laugh, but I'm not a writer.

[333] I used to think that I don't, I'm not really a writer, and it took me a while to realize that's what writing is is coming up with the idea.

[334] Then you just have to put it down.

[335] Did you have that block?

[336] That was a block for me. I think it was the opposite for me. It was more like, I think I can say funny things, but I've never performed before.

[337] So when I started comedy, I went to an open mic just because I wanted to try comedy.

[338] And I was like so intimidated about being on stage.

[339] I've never heard my voice in a microphone before that, you know?

[340] Like I never really performed.

[341] And so going to the open mic and seeing people try it and be bad at it was like, all right, well, they got courage to be bad at it.

[342] I could at least be bad at it too, you know, just to see what it feels like.

[343] And I don't remember what.

[344] I said for maybe the first six months of doing stand -up, but I remember the first time I got up there and being on stage and hearing my voice in a microphone and seeing a crowd, like, well, crowd open mic, so 11 people looking at their phone, but, you know, it was, but seeing like the people and kind of having that stage, it felt natural.

[345] So that kind of came first.

[346] And then the jokes really was like, I always believed something that I was saying was funny.

[347] I just thought it was all about how do I make you see it the way I see it, you know, almost like being in a different country and you don't know the language and you're trying to look for directions.

[348] That's how I look at a joke writer.

[349] I know what I'm trying to tell you and you have no idea what I'm saying.

[350] So I'm just trying to say things that we can agree on so that you kind of get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

[351] You have it in your mind and in your mind it's really funny.

[352] And then the trick is how do you get them to see it exactly the way you do and when they do that's when you get the electrical current that's when like they're inside your head and they're experiencing it exactly the way you are and they're laughing and to me that's the face of God like that that is when I know there's a power in the universe because I mean it's the only thing that really I mean there's a lot of nice things as you know there's a lot of nice things that come along with being in this business but I would still do it I would do it for free if I could still get that fix, you know?

[353] For free, for sure.

[354] I mean, I started out paying to get on stage.

[355] Yeah, it was like literally you'd have to pay like $7 or something like that to do three minutes and maybe get a laugh because maybe the worst audience you would possibly ever see.

[356] But, yeah, that feeling when you do get a laugh, it'll take you through anything.

[357] It's so much fun.

[358] And, you know, as a comedy fan, when you watch comedy, you're in an audience and you see in a comedian kill, it's the greatest feeling.

[359] until you've been on stage and you're making all those people laugh and everyone laughing it's a weird thing to explain but it's a lot of fun.

[360] Yeah and then what happens is once you are up there doing it and you're killing the next time you go and you sit in an audience and you watch someone else kill you're thinking no those could be my laughs damn it!

[361] Why aren't I up there?

[362] Oh I saw that one coming didn't you see that one coming?

[363] I did and then people are saying, sir, sir, please sit down.

[364] You're ruining the show.

[365] And Conan, why are you being such an asshole?

[366] Well, I'm just saying he's not that funny.

[367] I don't know why.

[368] And then they hustle you out and you're not allowed to go back.

[369] I don't know if you've had that experience.

[370] Maybe I've said too much.

[371] Then the waitress is like, that guy didn't even tip.

[372] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[373] Exactly.

[374] No, it's, well, we, have some similarities.

[375] We both come.

[376] I mean, I always look for what's the commonality?

[377] And I think you're, are you one of seven?

[378] I'm one of six kids.

[379] Are you one of seven?

[380] Yeah, I'm one of seven.

[381] My parents didn't have cable either.

[382] I'm the last.

[383] Are you the youngest?

[384] I'm in the middle.

[385] I'm in the middle.

[386] So I was the anonymous guy in the middle that was like, you will know my name one day.

[387] Because I really got the, I really did have the impression.

[388] They didn't quite know who I was sometimes because we all looked exactly the same.

[389] Were you all like super tall?

[390] Not all of us, but I think most of us are pretty tall.

[391] Most of us are pretty tall.

[392] I'm like one of the tallest.

[393] Myself and my brother Justin are like 6 '4.

[394] I mean, I wasn't tall.

[395] Most of my childhood I don't associate with being tall because I got tall really late.

[396] I had a growth spurt really late and suddenly became 6 '4 and put on no weight.

[397] It was still the same weight.

[398] So I was, when I was about 17, suddenly I became, or 17 and a half, I became 6 '4, and I was 155 pounds.

[399] And I can have, I can have an engineer draw that for you.

[400] It's horrible.

[401] It doesn't work on paper.

[402] Like I kept falling over and collapsing.

[403] Not good with wind.

[404] No, no. Wind was a real problem.

[405] I'd often wake up in like a haystack, hundreds of miles from home.

[406] not knowing what happened but yeah we had and I you know I think we both grew up in the projects now now correct me if I'm wrong Michael projects means I'm so want to believe that just correct me if I'm wrong projects means well -to -do suburb right is that is it that's what I've always thought that's why I always tell people I'm from the projects too and then we start they seem confused because that was my definition of projects during up.

[407] These projects don't work out so well.

[408] I don't know who's great in this project.

[409] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[410] You grew up in New York?

[411] I grew up in Manhattan.

[412] I grew up in Lower East Side, and then we moved to Jersey City.

[413] So we thought Jersey City was a suburbs, though, when we got there.

[414] I didn't, because it was such a culture shock of New York City, period, New York City, period.

[415] Whether it's the process or not, everything's on top of you.

[416] other you know it's just yeah yeah no matter where you live you probably live around 300 people you know like just in a very immediate radius and uh you know juries we did in a two a two family house and it was like some old white people like living around it was like this is we must be rich now there's stairs um but it was like not you know it was probably worse but you don't really know that because it's you know you get a decent block in a different town and it feels like the suburbs if you're from if all you know was the city, you know.

[417] Right, right.

[418] But you don't know you don't have much until you start meeting kids with a lot.

[419] Yes.

[420] And so I went to high school at a Performing Arts High School, LaGuardia Music and Art. And then, you know, it was the best performing arts high school maybe in the country, but, you know, it's free for the city kids.

[421] And so you'd meet kids of all walks of life.

[422] You'd meet kids that was way poorer than you.

[423] And you'd meet kids that were way richer than you.

[424] You know, like super rich.

[425] And, you know, people from the Upper West Side, people from Queens, people from broken, people from all over the place.

[426] So you kind of meet the whole city because it's a public school essentially, but it's just everybody's kind of has some talent.

[427] And that's when I started to kind of get to realize, oh, wait a minute, we grew up kind of messed up.

[428] But also, but it's also kind of fun.

[429] You're like, wow, I made it to where you made it to and I didn't have what you have.

[430] So you feel this sort of a. it's okay.

[431] You know, I guess it's sad.

[432] You wish you grew up differently, but also you're like, but I made it.

[433] I still made it to where you got to and I didn't have everything.

[434] So, you know, it wasn't all bad, I guess.

[435] Well, I guess one question I would have is now you've had this really incredible success.

[436] And how does your upbringing or the way you grew up influence how you deal with that?

[437] Well, particularly with comedy that's true because nobody thinks you're funny, you know, that you grew up with.

[438] They're like, you ain't that funny, you know, whatever.

[439] Like, I'm funny to you.

[440] I'm funny than you.

[441] I can make, you know, so it's never, you never really feel that accomplished around those friends because they always remember when you weren't funny, you know.

[442] Yeah.

[443] But, um, no, because it's, it's, it's subjective and it's like, no one grew up with Michael Jordan and said, well, he was a shitty athlete.

[444] That's just like, you know, or you referenced Shaq earlier.

[445] No one was like, Shaq basketball?

[446] I grew up with him.

[447] And you're like, no, what the fuck are you taught?

[448] Yeah, he's sure.

[449] He was.

[450] was eight feet tall as a child and he was you know but but it's so clear and it's so objective but comedy people can always anybody can say i don't know i've got a mechanic that's funnier than you the person who just installed my gas lines funnier than you and could be true could be true yes it's possible i mean that's the craziest thing that i think of like the only reason that got the opportunities that I got is because I really had nothing to lose.

[451] I was very unemployed, you know, I was getting like odd jobs here and there making very little money.

[452] So I could go to do open mics every day at 6 o 'clock because I wasn't at work, you know?

[453] So there's, I think about that all the time.

[454] Like if I would have gotten a job to make 40 grand, 30 grand, like, you know, a solid job that I probably would have been underqualified for at that time, I would have never tried comedy because I would have been too afraid to risk that.

[455] So I wouldn't follow that dream to do this because I was protecting something that I really don't want to do.

[456] So it's a very kind of strange thing.

[457] There's a lot of people who don't take the chance on something that they want to really do just because they're afraid of jeopardizing the thing that's making them miserable.

[458] Right, right.

[459] In a lot of ways.

[460] Unless, you know, some people love doing what they do.

[461] But I wouldn't have loved that.

[462] You know, I used to hate being a waiter or being a barback or working in a cubicle.

[463] It would drive me nuts.

[464] And I just wanted to find something that I could do that wasn't that because it just, it felt wrong.

[465] It felt like a, I felt like a cat in shoes, you know.

[466] But if I had it, I wouldn't have let it go because that's, that's one of the downsides of growing up the way I grew up.

[467] It was like, you have to do something now because I don't, we don't want you to be a bum because it's so easy to just be a bum.

[468] bum, you know, being a bum meaning just no ambition or, you know, something, you know, like, that was like the biggest fear.

[469] And doing comedy, it was very scary for a lot of people that was like, I think he's about to be a bum.

[470] He's about to be one of those people that just is trying to live his dream.

[471] But that's, and that's not a knock on, you know, the people I grew up with, it was just more so a fear, a common fear, because we didn't know so many people that made it out.

[472] So it was hard to see it work if you've never seen it work.

[473] And I think now maybe people coming up, you know, from my family or from, you know, my neighborhoods will believe in people who try a little bit more because there's an example that it works sometimes, you know?

[474] Yes.

[475] And that's how the projects is exactly like the suburbs.

[476] Yeah.

[477] I mean, basically, I knew that that's what we were going to end up.

[478] That's really, there's no difference.

[479] There's no difference as far as I can see.

[480] And I know there's some people out there listening who thinks that I'm in some kind of a bubble or I've lost touch.

[481] but my butler assures me that I am on point and I know what's happening out there so let's not have any of those comments because that's a huge wasted time for everybody hey what's about sound out live because that's something we have in common and I remember showing up and them saying okay oh go in that room Steve Martin's the host this week he's in there and go pitch him an idea And I literally thought, wait a minute, you don't even know who I am and you're having me go pitch to Steve Martin.

[482] What if I've got a gun, you know?

[483] What if I got a gun?

[484] Yeah, like, I wouldn't just meet some 24 -year -old and go like, get in there and talk to one of the biggest stars in the world.

[485] What if I say crazy shit?

[486] What if I, you know, I don't know.

[487] Like, I couldn't believe that that was, you go from zero.

[488] to 150.

[489] That was my experience.

[490] And it's terrifying.

[491] But cool.

[492] What was you?

[493] Did you have that similar feeling?

[494] Almost, almost verbatim.

[495] Like literally my first, because I came in as a guest writer in the middle of the season.

[496] They were doing this thing where they were bringing in, they were just looking for new voices.

[497] And they were bringing in two writers a week.

[498] And I happened to be one of them because I saw Jost and Joe Staxed me, Colin Jose, who was head writer at the time, he was like, hey, we're doing this thing when we're bringing in guest writers, getting in, you know, just fresh faces if you'd like to do it.

[499] So I came in, and my first day, I don't know what a guest writer, I don't know what that means.

[500] I don't know if I'm being like an intern.

[501] I'm thinking it's like a kind of a glorified intern position for a couple of weeks.

[502] Like I'm going to shadow joist and maybe pitch on some stuff.

[503] But it's like Monday and they're like, all right, you know, everybody comes in and meets you and I'm thinking I'm going to get bagels soon or, you know, get Keene's coffee or something like that.

[504] Like, I don't know.

[505] I literally.

[506] they're like, we're going in the Lord's office and I'm like, Lauren, which Lorne?

[507] Like, who?

[508] There's two Lauren's like, no, no. Be, Lauren, like to be going in his office.

[509] And Kevin Hart was the host.

[510] He was his first time hosting and he was the biggest comedian in the world that that's the hottest guy in the world.

[511] And maybe still is.

[512] And we walk in and they're like, well, you got to pitch an idea to Kevin Hart.

[513] And, you know, in front of your new boss, maybe, possibly.

[514] and the entire Saturday Night Live cast and writer team.

[515] And I'd never written a sketch before.

[516] I think I pitched them, you're the, it was like, oh, it was a, you're the richest black man in New York, Dwayne Reed.

[517] And he laughed.

[518] But it was like something we could never do because it was like, no one knows what Dwayne Reed is outside of New York.

[519] But it was like, yeah, because I was like, there's no white Dwayne's.

[520] And those two weeks after those.

[521] two weeks, I did those two episodes.

[522] It did him and then Justin Tim Blake was the next week and then I got the job after that because I got a sketch on.

[523] But it was so intimidating because I never did sketch before.

[524] Like I didn't write.

[525] So you get a sketch and then you find out it goes through read through and it does well and you find out that maybe Yeah, describe that for me. First of all, it was kind of the, it was the most classic kind of S &L getting a sketch on occurrence.

[526] that we had worked all night maybe, maybe like six, seven hours on a sketch idea that got absolutely no laughs.

[527] And then the one that I kind of wrote really quickly because we needed two and I wrote in like maybe an hour got all the laughs.

[528] And it was just like one of those things that if the comedy comes fast, it's probably going to work if it takes a very long time.

[529] It's probably not going to work.

[530] But it was Justin Timberlake's fifth time hosting.

[531] So it was the five Timers Club, as you would know about.

[532] And it's literally Tom Hanks is there, Dan Aykroyd's there.

[533] It was like so many people there.

[534] And the Lonely Island guys came back because they were off and they came back to the show to do something with Justin.

[535] Steve Martin was there because they did wild and crazy guys with the, it was like, it was the nudiest week.

[536] It was almost like a finale show or Christmas show kind of feel.

[537] And I got a sketch.

[538] on the first sketch that they did at the table bombed so hard and then the sketch that i wrote was like a commercial parody killed and it was almost like a prank it felt like they were making fun of me because they were laughing at it and i knew that this was a very dumb idea and also that you just thought i wasn't funny but it like that's it's like kind of a scary kind of yeah this is going to, this might get on TV.

[539] I might get a sketch on Saturday Night Live.

[540] And then it was a pre -tap.

[541] So I had to like, you know, as a writer on the show when you're doing a pre -tap, you're very hands -on.

[542] It's not like a, you know.

[543] Yes, yes.

[544] You're the producer.

[545] Just literally producing the sketch.

[546] You're talking to the director.

[547] You're making choices.

[548] You have to be there.

[549] So it was just this bizarre thing of, like you said, you don't feel worthy.

[550] You don't feel like you should be there.

[551] You'd be someone else right now.

[552] But it was so much fun because it's such a machine that they will.

[553] protect you if it's a good idea, if it's an idea that we all believe in, they'll protect you and figure out how to get it produced and how to make it work on the show.

[554] But, you know, they also make sure that it keeps the integrity that you intended it to have.

[555] So it was like, it was kind of a, you know, again, like high school, you're like, oh, I can do this.

[556] Like, I can, I can, I can try.

[557] It might not be the best, but I can, I can absolutely take a shot.

[558] And and you feel confident in being able to take a shot.

[559] Well, to me, the magic moment is you, exactly what you said, which is it doesn't have to be agony.

[560] And in fact, I've heard songwriters, like some of the most famous songwriter performers in the world have said, I think Elton John once said, all the great songs, I wrote them in like 15 minutes, you know?

[561] Yeah, it just came to me. And I've had the exact same feeling when I have labored over something, and there's like nine of us and we're grinding and grinding and grinding.

[562] and pushing and pushing and then you read through.

[563] And all you can hear, there's no laughing, so you hear the pages turning.

[564] And you can also see, you can see Lauren Michaels looking ahead to see how much longer is this fucking thing?

[565] How many more pages is this?

[566] He takes a deep brush.

[567] And he's looking ahead and he's taking his long sips of water and looking ahead and you're realizing, yeah, no, this is a 15 -page salute that we wrote.

[568] When you can hear the gulps, you hear every gulps, that he takes and like, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.

[569] And then, you know, cut to interior.

[570] Again, the Martians have still not found the magic seed and rustle shift.

[571] And you look ahead and you're like, there's ten more pages to go.

[572] And if they're not laughing now, it doesn't get better.

[573] I've always campaigned.

[574] I've always campaigned for a, like, a call it button.

[575] Like literally.

[576] That's so great.

[577] You just need a buzzer to be like, look, eh, I'm going to just call it right there.

[578] You guys didn't like the first turn.

[579] It's 12 more just like it.

[580] It's going to get worse.

[581] Let's just move on.

[582] We're all tired.

[583] No, no, that's a fend.

[584] That would improve the show and the quality of life for the show so much.

[585] If the writer, if the rule was, whoever sketch it was, it's so perfect.

[586] So it's like, okay, we're going to read this sketch.

[587] It's written by Michael Chey and Conan O 'Brien.

[588] They wrote it together.

[589] you know it's called Dr. Sneakers and and and they give us they give us each trust me it's a good idea and your name's on it so you better fucking get behind it but they give us each like a buzzer and we each have a buzzer because our sketch is being read and then it's like Dr. Sneakers and then he says the line that he's going to say 150 times that's bound to kill these ain't sneakers I have seen sneakers nothing and then he says it again and then he says it again and then you and I look at each other and we just not and go hit the buzzer, we're out just guys.

[590] We're out.

[591] Just keep going.

[592] It's okay.

[593] We'll figure it out.

[594] We'll figure it out.

[595] But everyone would be like fine and they would move ahead.

[596] But you're absolutely right.

[597] It would keep morale up.

[598] It would keep morale up where people were like you know what?

[599] Yeah, that was bad but also you know it's bad and we can just keep going.

[600] Yeah.

[601] And you saved us from having to go through 60 pages of Dr. Sneakers.

[602] You know.

[603] Dr. Sneaker.

[604] Now, on a side note, I love Dr. Sneaker.

[605] Do you want to write it up with me?

[606] I'll write it up with you.

[607] It's like you said.

[608] In 15 seconds, you just come up with Dr. Sneakers.

[609] It's on every t -shirt at the NBC store.

[610] It's just literally when you get your Mark Twain prize.

[611] Yeah, we're so confident the sketch.

[612] We are so confident in the sketch.

[613] We have this t -shirts made before we even pitch the sketch.

[614] And we get them in the store.

[615] People were like, what the fuck is Dr. Sneakers?

[616] Oh, trust me. Michael and I, it's going to be huge.

[617] She just started getting those out there.

[618] And, yeah, that would be yelling Dr. Sneakers at you at the airport all the time.

[619] And the way you go, hey, Dr. Sneakers.

[620] Yes, yes.

[621] Yeah, yeah.

[622] It was, thank you.

[623] I'm eating dinner.

[624] Thank you.

[625] Please.

[626] Please.

[627] I'm with my wife, with my kids.

[628] No Dr. Sneakers right now.

[629] Hey, Dr. Sneakers didn't tip.

[630] I've got to live that down.

[631] That story started out as Conan, you were nice.

[632] You were kind.

[633] You got one of my shirts from me. And then you, just at the very end, just as we're about to the sun is about to set on this beautiful story of kindly Conan.

[634] It's, hey, you didn't tip.

[635] Didn't tip.

[636] You know, I was saving up.

[637] I was saving up.

[638] Saving up my money for a rainy day.

[639] You know, I want to ask you about something that I think we connect on.

[640] at least I've heard this about you.

[641] I've noticed it definitely about your stand -up, which is a big part of your job at Sarnet Live, and probably also the Daily Show, is to do political humor or tell jokes about politics, but you've said it's not your passion that you love finding human things to talk about that aren't necessarily just political.

[642] Is that right?

[643] Oh, yeah.

[644] Well, I always feel like I don't think that people have to agree with you to think you're funny, you know, just as a comedy fan.

[645] So I don't try to put out, I'm not telling the joke because I want you to agree with me. I'm telling you a joke because I want you to laugh at it, you know?

[646] The people that I liked, I rarely agree with, you know, like Archie Bunker.

[647] I didn't, I didn't think he was right, but I thought he was funny, you know, and I think when I'd approach political material or content, I try to kind of come from the perspective of what does it sounds like to somebody learning about all of this for the first time, you know, and doesn't have an agenda, it's just trying to make sense of it in their brain.

[648] And it's something that I used to love to watch like my grandmother, dude.

[649] My grandmother passed away recently, beautiful woman, huge bigot.

[650] And she was, but she was, oh my gosh, she was the biggest bigot.

[651] But she was so funny.

[652] Loving woman, loving woman.

[653] But, you know, she's 80, 90 years old.

[654] You know, They grew up in a different time where stuff like that was true.

[655] And they didn't trust Puerto Ricans that much.

[656] Like that was just a thing.

[657] Listen, it wasn't in the Constitution, but it should have been.

[658] But no, she was so funny.

[659] She was so, so, so funny.

[660] But everything that you, everything she said that was funny, she didn't know was funny.

[661] It would just be her trying to sound normal.

[662] And it would just be the funniest thing you've ever heard.

[663] And I always thought there was something charming about people, no matter whether you agreed or disagreed, them trying to make sense of it is where the funny lies.

[664] Yes, yes.

[665] And that's also where the human lies because you're like, man, I remember not knowing that too.

[666] So I can't really be mad at you because there was a time where I didn't know either.

[667] And I could only imagine what this must sound like to you without any other context.

[668] So that's what you're kind of laughing at.

[669] You're not laughing that it's right or wrong.

[670] You're laughing that it's just silly and funny.

[671] And so that's kind of my approach to that kind of thing But I do feel like a lot And that's also not just because you're here But that's also been what I love about Your comedy on your show Is that I never feel like you're preaching to us As audience You're never like saying this is the way the world needs to be You're getting the laugh You're trying to get the laugh And it's a pure way that it doesn't You can tell it's not that you don't care It's that you're not you're there to make people have a good time no matter how they feel about you.

[672] Right, right.

[673] And I think that's important.

[674] Sometimes that gets lost when everybody is up there to, you know, change the world almost.

[675] I always liked coming at it from I'm down here in the muck with everybody else.

[676] And I'm not better than anybody else.

[677] In fact, I might be worse.

[678] So I like my comedy coming out of that.

[679] And then that was all the stuff that I loved growing up.

[680] Even the old stuff from like the 30s and 40s, like people that.

[681] they're the lowest of the low, whether it's the Three Stooges or it's the Marks brothers or the, you know, WC.

[682] Fields, like they're at the bottom of the ladder, you know, or even in the classic silent people like Buster Keaton, they're at the bottom.

[683] And I always, they're never invited to the party.

[684] They're always crashing it or working it.

[685] You know what I mean?

[686] Exactly.

[687] Yeah.

[688] And I always like, well, that's, I always liked that.

[689] And I always, I like the silly stuff.

[690] And I also think, it's, It endures.

[691] It absolutely does.

[692] It's really interesting to me because not too long ago, I watched this stand -up special that you did.

[693] And it was fascinating because I could have sworn you had made it two days ago.

[694] But I realized it was because your approach was you were writing classic, really good jokes that are eternal.

[695] When you did a chunk on Black Lives Matter, which was fantastic, there's no way anybody could watch that and not think, oh, Michael wrote this at the beginning of the pandemic right after George Floyd and it's the perfect statement about this.

[696] And then you realize this was written in 2016 and performed in 2016.

[697] How the fuck did he do that?

[698] That's insane.

[699] That's one of my reasons why I like to write about kind of race stuff is because it always holds you know.

[700] So like if I write a joke about racism I know it's going to be there next year too.

[701] Oh.

[702] Yeah, I mean that's And that's, and look.

[703] It's like, it's, I write those race jokes for the same reason Mariah Carey wrote all I want for Christmas.

[704] It's, it's, it's always going to play.

[705] It's always going to be this.

[706] It's going to be Christmas next year too, you know?

[707] You know, it's so amazing.

[708] This is a case in point of you just said something that is indelibly sad, which is race jokes are always going to be relevant.

[709] and then immediately had us howling because you said it's the same thing as Mariah Carey's Christmas songs and suddenly I'm laughing at one of the saddest things anyone said to me in a while.

[710] But it's true.

[711] I know.

[712] It's true.

[713] I know.

[714] It's stuff like that.

[715] It's like that's kind of the weird position that you're in as somebody that tells those kinds of jokes or that says those types of things where you're trying to tell people, look, this is, if you know, clean this up, this is what you can expect.

[716] And up until that happens, people say, well, why didn't you say something?

[717] You know what I mean?

[718] You're like, we've been saying it for years.

[719] We've been writing these jokes.

[720] When I wrote in 2016, it wasn't like, I just came up with it that day because I was looking in the future.

[721] I was talking about what happened, you know what I mean, five years then, you know, like that was a culmination of that.

[722] So it's, it's something that we've always.

[723] been talking about.

[724] And it's something we've always felt.

[725] And we're trying to make it, we're trying to make you see it the way we're seeing it for the first time.

[726] So kind of getting back to the first thing we were saying, talking about in the joke structure, we're trying to make you see it the way we see it.

[727] We're trying to say it as plainly as the way we understand it.

[728] And sometimes it still takes a while for people to, oh, that's what you mean?

[729] I guess that does make sense.

[730] You know what I mean?

[731] But even five years after the fact.

[732] Right.

[733] Well, I think even today, it's common, I'll just speak from myself, like, it's not just a realization, it's constantly having to realize again and again and again and again and again when people tell you it's always been this way and then realize it again, and then realize it again, you know, and it's just, what do you drink in there?

[734] What do you got?

[735] This is just iced tea.

[736] This is, I don't know if you do sponsors, but this is peach iced tea.

[737] Well, if we did have a sponsor I'm just kidding.

[738] It's whiskey.

[739] Yes!

[740] You know, and by the way, I've overlooked the fact that you're wearing a Yankee cap throughout this family.

[741] Hey, man, it's okay.

[742] Listen, listen, listen, somebody's got to win championships.

[743] You guys do what you do, and we win championships.

[744] Oh, Red Sox has done all right recently.

[745] You know, it's so funny, I grew up, like, the Yankee cap, whenever the Red Sox would play in Yankee Stadium and the game was on TV, we would watch.

[746] watch it.

[747] And I was, we were all so scared of New York because we heard all these rumors that if someone wore a Red Sox cap, uh, in Yankee Stadium, they would murder you and the police wouldn't investigate.

[748] And it was like, that was a thing I really believed when I was a kid that, that, that, you know, it was crazy.

[749] And I, you know, I was, I was, I was a kid, you know, 25, 26.

[750] No, I'm kidding.

[751] I was, I was, but I remember people.

[752] People in school, like other kids in schools seem like, no, they'll murder.

[753] Because, you know, in the 70s, New York was, you know, you, all these movies were out like Death Wish and Warriors where it was this lawless place where gangs wearing Yankee caps, you know, and weird face paint.

[754] And full Yankee uniforms.

[755] That's the movie Warriors.

[756] We're, you know, and people were murdering and the police were just going, we can't stop.

[757] it's too much murder but that's what we heard is that like no one from Boston can go there because they'll find out you from Boston and you'll be murdered as so it was triggering me the Yankee Cab I will tell you I did a show one of the first shows I ever did in Boston was at a place oh man I can't remember the name of the place but it used to turn into a nightclub it would be like a comedy club and then it turned to a nightclub like right after the comedy show it was right downtown I can't remember the name of it's going to drive me nuts but I was wearing the Yankee cap and these guys were just staring through me, like literally trying to set me on fire with their eyes.

[758] And I couldn't figure out why, up until like 35 minutes and to the set.

[759] I'm like, what is your problem?

[760] Like, wait, are you guys not having because you haven't left once you're just staring at me?

[761] It's like, so with the hat.

[762] I had to take my hat off to look at it.

[763] I was like, a Yankee hat?

[764] Like, come on, man. Really?

[765] That's why you don't like me?

[766] It's not nothing to do with the goat fucking joke.

[767] Can you say that?

[768] No, the goat fucking joke was good.

[769] We liked it.

[770] It was very well constructed.

[771] But the Yankee cap is something we can't get around.

[772] No, it is ridiculous.

[773] They were so mad at me wearing a Yankee hat.

[774] I was like, are you serious?

[775] But you know what?

[776] That is a Boston thing that is a Boston thing where everybody in Boston wears a Boston Red Sox cap.

[777] And it's so redundant because you're like, literally you land.

[778] and everyone there is wearing a Boston Red Sox Kim.

[779] We're like, we know.

[780] I understand that that's the team.

[781] We know.

[782] I got it.

[783] We knew it from you holding that Dunkin' Ice Coffee.

[784] We knew.

[785] You know where you're from.

[786] In your Carhart jacket.

[787] We know, we know.

[788] But it's this constant, like, you know we're from Boston, right?

[789] And you know the Red Sox are our team, right?

[790] Go socks.

[791] I'm like, yeah, okay.

[792] Yeah, we got it, bro.

[793] No, I outgrew that.

[794] at a very young age.

[795] That's why I always laugh at Boss, because I was like, you know, we're really a liberal city.

[796] I'm like, really, you'd curb stop me if I was a world of wrong baseball team hat, but you're liberal, you're liberal, right?

[797] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[798] I mean, you seem very nice, though.

[799] No, I got out.

[800] I got out.

[801] I escaped.

[802] I escaped at a young age, and I didn't go back.

[803] I will say this about boss.

[804] And you know, I'm not just pandering, because everything's shut down, so I can't perform anywhere even if I wanted to.

[805] But Boston is easily one of my favorite cities to do comedy in.

[806] Oh, yeah.

[807] Great comedy town.

[808] So it's an amazing comedy time.

[809] I love performing in Boston.

[810] It's because it's those people, when you come to the show, they're there to laugh.

[811] Like it's something about working, working, working class cities.

[812] They're there to laugh.

[813] They got a babysitter for the night.

[814] You know what I mean?

[815] Like this is their night to be out and they're there to have a good time.

[816] You can hit with anything if it's funny.

[817] And they'll let you know this isn't good if it ain't good.

[818] You know, like they'll let you know this is boring if it's boring.

[819] If somebody's funnier in the audience, then you are on stage.

[820] Give them the mic because we'll be on their side.

[821] We're just going to have a good -ass time.

[822] So it's an honest, funny, funny, funny city and a great place to like really perform.

[823] If you want to really test your material, I love going to Boston, Chicago, like, there's certain cities that you're like, okay, this is where they get it.

[824] This is another invention you should have next to your, along with your buzzer for the Sarnet Live, we're out sketch, a Velcro patch that goes over your, your Yankee logo.

[825] You know what I mean?

[826] You just, you keep in your pocket.

[827] And when you touch down, yeah, you just put the Velcro patch on and everyone's like, he gets it.

[828] And then, yeah, it comes right off and goes back in your pocket when you get back on the shuttle.

[829] You ever do this thing?

[830] I was at Dave's house, Chappelle's house, name drop, and we were talking about, it was a bunch of comedians and people that we were talking about saying the wrong city, naming the wrong city on tour or whatever.

[831] Have you ever done that?

[832] No, you know why?

[833] I'm so anxious about that that I write it on a card.

[834] And I put it, I make sure that it's on the floor, because I was so nervous about doing that.

[835] I really didn't want to do that.

[836] So I would be like, right, it's mini -earned.

[837] That's where I mean, you know what I mean?

[838] But it's weird that like you could do so much comedy.

[839] You've got all of this material memorizing your head.

[840] You've got all these years of experience and performing.

[841] And the thing you'll mess up is the city.

[842] Like the most obvious thing.

[843] Because it's changing all the time.

[844] It makes sense.

[845] It's changing, you know?

[846] And it makes sense because the other stuff, when you've done it enough, it's in your reptile brain.

[847] It's like in the part of your brain that's saying, hey, heartbeat and lungs expand.

[848] and contract.

[849] Right.

[850] And also, I just got my DNA test back and then the whole hunk I do about getting my DNA test back.

[851] That's all in there because I've said it so many times.

[852] And then the thing that changes every night is, whoa, Provo, Utah, you know, this is incredible.

[853] You know, and you want to make sure that you don't, and that's not in that part of the brain.

[854] That's in the part of the brain that needs to know that you, you know, whatever, that the news that you just heard.

[855] 10 minutes ago that you have to remember that.

[856] 100%.

[857] And also cities take it very, very personally as if you know the difference.

[858] Like you really, really care about the difference.

[859] One time I said, I was in Grand Rapids and I said, hello, Detroit.

[860] And you would have thought, I ate a baby on stage.

[861] Like, if they were like, how did you call us Detroit?

[862] I'm like, dude, you're the same to me. I don't care.

[863] Just being nice, man. I don't care what this town is.

[864] But you know what?

[865] I have found if you do, if you spend...

[866] Yes.

[867] You get so much love if you've put 20 minutes into...

[868] They actually have a statue of Fonzie, downtown.

[869] I remember finding out, and I always ask around, and you just ask, like, the lighting guy, and you look up stuff online.

[870] And if you just say, like, you know...

[871] If you show that you've spent 8.

[872] seconds thinking about them before you go out there, they're like, how did he know?

[873] How could he know that St. Louis has an arch?

[874] He knows about our Buffalo Wild Wings.

[875] Yeah, we know, man. He's some kind of magical man. Yeah.

[876] Just, you know, you take that much time.

[877] And that's why Trump's president, because he goes down to Iowa and he'll say something like, hey, by the way, I'm like, get some corn.

[878] Everybody's like, he's going to get corn.

[879] It's so funny because I watch him and he kills with his crowd.

[880] You know, he kills with his crowds.

[881] He kills with me. And his material is, he has no material.

[882] And I'll sometimes look at him as just, I'll look at Trump as a comedian.

[883] And I'll think, well, he's not a good comedian, but he's sort of like an open mic MC who comes, like who owns the club, but he's not a comic.

[884] But he knows how to go out there and just say things like, oh boy, hot day here, huh, Oh, boy, I sure would like to have some of that great beer that you make, huh?

[885] Did you make that good beer?

[886] You're like, well, that's not funny.

[887] That's nothing.

[888] And, yeah, you know, we can send that over to the Democrats.

[889] They probably wouldn't be able to hand it.

[890] Because it's them, because it's like, you know, Tim Robinson from as, well, used to be when I said, no, he calls it priest laps.

[891] Yeah.

[892] It's literally the joke of priests will say wherever it's like, oh my God, I can't believe.

[893] if the priest knows what beer we drink.

[894] You know, it's that kind of thing.

[895] No president is ever that horrifyingly normal.

[896] Right.

[897] You know, it used to be, we don't want a guy that's normal.

[898] We want some brilliant dude that's going to be good at this job.

[899] It's like, now it's like, no, no, no. We want the idiot at the end of the bar that talks just like me and says all the things that I say.

[900] That doesn't horrify you at all.

[901] Like, no, it's more endearing now.

[902] It's kind of sad and scary.

[903] this guy's dumb like me I don't want my doctor to talk like me I want my doctor to say things that I don't understand I'm like okay this guy must know what he's doing yeah I don't really know what's going on with you but you know what I'll tell you something I could use a brew right now and you want to go get a brew well no no there's every time I shit there's a lot of blood yeah I don't know I don't know man that sounds rough Hey, look at her.

[904] Look at her.

[905] Man, she's got a nice figure on her.

[906] Let's go bowling sometime.

[907] What do you say?

[908] No, no, there's a lot of blood.

[909] It's mostly blood now.

[910] It's all blood.

[911] There's no stool anymore.

[912] It's just blood.

[913] Well, you know, I don't know.

[914] Well, why don't you take a look at mine?

[915] Does mine look normal to you?

[916] Hey, I like this guy.

[917] I think I'm dying.

[918] I think it's probably cancer.

[919] of the bone marrow, but I like this guy.

[920] He gets me. He gets, he's a guy I can hang out with.

[921] Hey, Michael, I have kept you for way too long.

[922] And I've been, I've been doing it just because I'm having such a great time.

[923] Man, this is a blast, dude.

[924] Yeah, it is absolute joy to get to talk to you.

[925] And I would love to be a friend of yours.

[926] I'd like to hang out with you when we're allowed to all hang out together.

[927] You know, that'd be, I'd love to, I'd really like to hurt your street cred, is what I'm saying.

[928] Dude, you know, it's so crazy.

[929] I want to take you down a few notches.

[930] My favorite thing is like that clip you did when you went to the Apollo.

[931] You went to him when you went to, you did when you were going to show that the Apollo and the dapper Dan and all of that.

[932] Man, you got the past to go anywhere.

[933] You're beloved.

[934] Oh, that's so sweet.

[935] You loved it.

[936] You know what I like is it makes me happy.

[937] It was so funny.

[938] And it's also, you're never trying.

[939] You're always just being Conan and it comes across and it's amazing to watch.

[940] That's coming from you, that is incredibly sweet.

[941] That's really nice and that makes my day.

[942] It really does.

[943] Actually, that's going to make my week.

[944] That's going to make my week.

[945] You think so?

[946] I think so, actually, yeah.

[947] It's Thursday.

[948] We don't really...

[949] It's kind of a short week.

[950] That's why I said it makes the week.

[951] And I'm not including the weekend.

[952] That gets me through today and then tomorrow.

[953] And then I'll hate myself again Saturday morning.

[954] Hey, Michael, listen, an absolute honor, a real honor.

[955] And please be well, stay well, and keep doing what you're doing.

[956] Likewise, too.

[957] Thank you.

[958] Yeah, thank you so much.

[959] Last week, Conan, you mentioned how your voice is an immediate boner killer and is sterilizing men throughout the world.

[960] And you said that you might try reading some erotic fiction.

[961] as an example of what you mean.

[962] Yeah, I think this will prove my point.

[963] By the way, I had to come back and put this disclaimer in that some of the language you're going to hear isn't safe for children, although the tone is very safe for children.

[964] Here we go.

[965] Show me how you pleasure yourself.

[966] Keep still.

[967] We're going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.

[968] Let's see if we can make you come like this.

[969] You're so deliciously wet.

[970] God, I want you.

[971] I'm going to fuck you now, Miss Steele.

[972] Hard.

[973] Come from me, Anna.

[974] Anyone arouse?

[975] think so.

[976] No. Oh my God.

[977] Here we go.

[978] I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat.

[979] No. Bend to the front again.

[980] My tongue swirls around the end.

[981] I can't.

[982] He's my very own Christian gray flavored popsicle.

[983] I suck harder and hotter.

[984] My inner goddess is doing the meringue with some salsa moves.

[985] Here we go some more.

[986] Here's the old climax.

[987] You're going to take this and like it.

[988] Get your hands looking on a little.

[989] You're a can do it.

[990] He leans down and kisses me. His finger's still moving rhythmically inside me, his thumb circling and pressing.

[991] His other hand scoops my hair off my head and holds my head in place.

[992] His tongue mirrors the actions of his fingers, claiming me. My legs begin to stiffen as I push against his head.

[993] He gentles his hand, so I'm brought back from the brink.

[994] I come instantly again and again, flowing apart beneath him.

[995] Then I'm building again.

[996] I climax anew, calling out his name.

[997] Suddenly he grabs me, tipping me across his lap.

[998] With one smooth movement he angles his body so my torso is resting on the bed beside him.

[999] He throws his right leg not his left, his right.

[1000] both mine and plants his left forearm, not the right, but the left, on the small of my back, holding me down so I can move.

[1001] He places his hand on my naked behind, so there's no clothing on that behind.

[1002] It's as naked as the day I was born, wearing my birthday suit, I tell you.

[1003] He's softly fondling me, stroking around and around with his flat palm, and then his hand is no longer there.

[1004] What happened?

[1005] Is it a magic trick?

[1006] Nope.

[1007] Then he hits me, hard.

[1008] That's right, he hits me, but in a way that's not creepy at all.

[1009] We lie there, pending together, waiting for our breathing to slow.

[1010] He gently strokes my hair.

[1011] Boy, I survived.

[1012] That wasn't so bad.

[1013] I'm more stoic than I thought.

[1014] My inner goddess is prostrate.

[1015] Well, at least she's quiet.

[1016] Oh, that's awful.

[1017] That is awful.

[1018] I want to read, I want to, I want to do the audio book for this.

[1019] No, that was terrible.

[1020] Sitting beside me, he gently pulls my sweatpants down.

[1021] Up and down, like a hoar's drawers.

[1022] A hoarse drawers.

[1023] What is that mean?

[1024] What is that?

[1025] A horse, who's called them drawers in 150 years?

[1026] Like a horse drawers, my subconscious remarks bitterly.

[1027] In my head, I tell her, where to go.

[1028] Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass.

[1029] Who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid?

[1030] What?

[1031] What?

[1032] It sounds like an ad.

[1033] It's a first of liquid.

[1034] From makeup remover to soothing bomb for a spanked ass.

[1035] Wow, what a versatile liquid.

[1036] You want some?

[1037] You can get it here.

[1038] Order now on Amazon.

[1039] Oh, God.

[1040] Oh, my God.

[1041] That was traumatizing for me. Oh, there's Moors?

[1042] Please, I can't stop.

[1043] He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two shiny silver balls, linked with a thick black bead.

[1044] No. Inside me, I gasp, and all the muscles deeply in my belly clench.

[1045] No. My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.

[1046] Oh, my.

[1047] Now, it's a curious feeling.

[1048] Gotta tell you.

[1049] When they're inside me, I can't really feel them.

[1050] But then again, I know they're there.

[1051] Oh, my.

[1052] Well, I have to keep these.

[1053] They make me needy for sex if I wasn't clear.

[1054] Yes, the neediness is for sex.

[1055] What?

[1056] Wow.

[1057] I never needed to hear that.

[1058] I was the worst thing that ever had.

[1059] No, no, no, I love, like, I just love, can I just say, I know enough about this to know that in the last movie they get married.

[1060] And I'm telling you, I'm 18 years in a marriage, and I'm telling you, this is, this bullshit ends shortly after the wedding.

[1061] I'm telling you, the fact that they get married and then he's like, well, let's go upstairs and I'm going to put you in that special leather room.

[1062] Yeah.

[1063] And I've got these balls.

[1064] that I'm going to place inside your body.

[1065] What the fuck you're talking about?

[1066] We're late for the Schlesinger's.

[1067] We've got to go.

[1068] I told Connie would be there.

[1069] What?

[1070] No, it doesn't take that long and you have to be a good girl.

[1071] Don't fucking talk to me about this good girl stuff.

[1072] I told you, I emailed you this morning and you know we're going to Schlesinger's and we're bringing a pot pie.

[1073] Yep.

[1074] I would have been really happy if this never happened.

[1075] Yeah.

[1076] Well, I hope I killed that popular series for everybody.

[1077] I think so.

[1078] Yeah, I think you did it.

[1079] That was awful in every sense of the word.

[1080] But in a way, I think the way I read it, it's safe for everybody.

[1081] Like, I could read that to anybody and they would be no, because it doesn't sound sexual at all.

[1082] You know what I mean?

[1083] I take all the sex out of it.

[1084] You really do.

[1085] Yeah.

[1086] It's incredible what my voice can.

[1087] Somehow made it family friendly.

[1088] I did.

[1089] I turned it into, it sounds like I'm reading IKEA instructions.

[1090] You know what I mean?

[1091] It sounds like I'm reading, I might as well be reading a recipe.

[1092] for you know fruit salad or something yeah yeah although i still feel the need to go back and put a little disclaimer something like uh by the way i had to come back and put this disclaimer in that some of the language you're going to hear isn't safe for children although the tone is very safe for yeah although it's said in such a way what conan's about to say is not safe for children but the way he's saying it has removed all eroticism yeah because of the uh boner killing power of his voice um warning if you were trying to consider do not listen to this podcast.

[1093] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1094] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1095] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salataroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1096] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1097] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1098] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1099] The show is engineered by Will Bechton.

[1100] You can rate and review this on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1101] Got a question for Conan?

[1102] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1103] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1104] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1105] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.