Holiday Spectacular 2020

[0] He's an armchair expert.

[1] Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Christmas episode of Armchair Expert.

[2] Our third.

[3] Our third.

[4] I'm joined, of course, by the Maximum Mouse Monica Padman.

[5] And then, of course, it wouldn't be a Christmas special without her.

[6] Kristen Annie Bell.

[7] Welcome to the program.

[8] Thank you for having me. Always.

[9] Chris, we haven't had you on this year.

[10] Yeah.

[11] Well, you guys have been bulk.

[12] solid from what I've seen on the family calendar.

[13] Yeah, you haven't had to bail us out yet this year, which is lucky for us.

[14] It has been one of the major joys of my year to watch you two come home so excited about the people that you weren't even reaching out to anymore, Monica, that we're just reaching out to you guys.

[15] Some heavy hitters.

[16] Big time.

[17] You guys had some amazing people on this year.

[18] And to see the two most important.

[19] people in my life, see not only their dreams realized, especially for both of you I know, are like, hard worker is part of your core values to see you manifested it.

[20] It was a part of this year that I will look back upon fondly amidst a year where it was kind of a garbage fire, but seeing what you two have accomplished and put out into the world as a mama has made me so very proud.

[21] Thank you.

[22] Well, certainly I think I speak for both of us, exceeded in.

[23] any wish I had for the podcast this year.

[24] Well, yeah, I think it was a good lesson because before this year, we were pretty adamant about never doing a remote interview.

[25] Yeah.

[26] People had asked if we would.

[27] We said no. But we learned that we should just be flexible because we've done remote interviews all year and they've been some of our favorites.

[28] Yeah.

[29] It was a learning curve, but I think we kind of got there working out like when people can talk and when you can talk.

[30] the whole zoom of it all, but it saved us.

[31] We were so lucky to be able to do our job in quarantine.

[32] What a huge gift.

[33] We are going to celebrate our first Christmas in our new house.

[34] We think, perhaps.

[35] We hope.

[36] It seems possible.

[37] You know what I've learned this year, construction takes a long time, like cement, when you put cement somewhere, you've got to bring it from somewhere.

[38] Okay.

[39] You got to make it wet, and then you got to make it dry.

[40] And those things take a long time.

[41] So if the driveway is ever finished.

[42] Yeah, sure, I think we'll live here.

[43] You learned that this year, you learned that last year, the year before that, and perhaps the year before that.

[44] It's been a long curve for me to learn that, but four, yeah, four years.

[45] Well, we've been recording in the guest attic above the garage of the house we've never lived in for three years, almost three years now.

[46] Yeah, but we do have Christmas trees in there.

[47] Would you like to share the 2020 Christmas tree grab story?

[48] Wow.

[49] Sure, yeah.

[50] What a, what a disaster.

[51] Do you mind if I, pepper in some details.

[52] Keep me honest, AKA, keep me honest.

[53] Yeah.

[54] Yeah, so generally speaking, going to get that Christmas tree is a well -worn tradition.

[55] We always have fun.

[56] We love it.

[57] One of the best nights of the year.

[58] Absolutely.

[59] And then in keeping with this year, we got in the truck, we went over to Home Depot.

[60] They had routed all the traffic into a one lane situation because there was a semi -truck parked in the other lane.

[61] And I let you out to go purchase the trees so that we would be at the front of the line by the time they were purchased.

[62] And a bit of of a context, we were getting in post a discussion that needed to happen about prioritizing each other, mainly from you to me, where there was like a tiny bit of tension.

[63] What are you laughing?

[64] That's the truth.

[65] It's just a funny one.

[66] Yeah.

[67] No, meaning you got to get your priorities straight.

[68] And I was like, understood.

[69] There was a tiny bit of tension there.

[70] We were coming back.

[71] We were coming back.

[72] And that's fine.

[73] We do that all the time.

[74] It's an ebb and flow in a marriage.

[75] And we got in the car and the Home Depot parking was what it in that one lane, sort of like in a pickup line.

[76] And I didn't bring my purse because Home Depot is very close to us.

[77] And we had...

[78] Or a mask.

[79] That's what I didn't bring my wallet or anything in my purse.

[80] So you say, go pick out the two Christmas trees you want in the parking lot.

[81] I'll get in the drive -through line.

[82] And I said, oh, shoot, I didn't bring my purse.

[83] Can I use your mask, right?

[84] So I take the one mask.

[85] Put it on.

[86] Go pick out the Christmas trees.

[87] And I give you my credit card.

[88] And I take Dexas credit card.

[89] Yeah.

[90] Now I'm in the Christmas tree line looking at these gorgeous Christmas trees.

[91] and I hear.

[92] Well, can before we get to that point, can I tell some of the baby steps before that point?

[93] Yeah.

[94] So someone tried to go down the wrong way of the one lane.

[95] There was not room and this woman drove over an enormous curb where there's planted items.

[96] A car should not be there.

[97] A car should not be there.

[98] And now the car is precariously on top of this curb and she's beeping and yelling at all of us that are in this line to everyone go in reverse, which is simply not possible.

[99] Home Depot.

[100] And I'm telling her very nicely at first, you got to back up.

[101] There's no, this is one way now.

[102] And she did not want to do that.

[103] And then she starts.

[104] It didn't help that we were driving the biggest truck that you have.

[105] Like you, well, it was a loaner.

[106] Yeah.

[107] I borrowed a truck that's enormous.

[108] You borrowed this truck.

[109] And we were like, oh, that's perfect before we give it back.

[110] It was up in two weeks.

[111] Before we give it back, let's use it for the Christmas tree.

[112] But it was like a raised, looks like a monster truck.

[113] It's a beautiful power wagon.

[114] It is.

[115] But it's a power wagon.

[116] But people can come to conclusions.

[117] I mean, I have about someone who's driving a monster truck down the street.

[118] Like, oh, that might be a certain type of person.

[119] And again, that's a reminder not to do that.

[120] So it was very, very nice a bunch of times.

[121] And then she kept just moving her car forward.

[122] And she was, again, precariously on the median.

[123] So my fear was that she was going to get one wheel over and then just blast right into the side of the truck.

[124] So, and again, it's not my truck.

[125] If it was my own truck, I feel like I'd be a little less worried about it.

[126] But at any rate, then I got out and I very kindly said, you're going to have.

[127] to go backwards and she rolled up her windows yelling at me blah blah blah so i got back in the truck and i started okay i'm the variable in the equation that's got to change because she is not going to do that i start backing up someone else starts backing up then another person and then i try to get wide so maybe she can come off this thing and as i'm doing this she starts clapping out the window in a very antagonistic well you're you're missing the bulk of the story i mean so let's cut back let's set the scene back in the christmas tree aisle gorgeous smells like pine beautiful Well, my yelling started at the clapping.

[128] I had brought you right to the yelling.

[129] Okay, got it.

[130] So I start hearing screaming.

[131] And I hear, funny enough, my husband's voice and another voice.

[132] And I'm like, oh, oh, okay.

[133] Oh, Jesus.

[134] And then my immediate thought was, I can only control myself.

[135] He can fight with whoever he wants.

[136] I need him in a mask.

[137] I am shooting right now.

[138] I need him in a mask.

[139] If he is going to be speaking to another human being that is outside our pod, I need him.

[140] to be in a mask.

[141] So I drop the Christmas tree.

[142] I've got in my hands.

[143] I run out the Home Depot parking lot.

[144] I'm like trying to hand the mask, but I get there right as the scene was dwindling and the fighting had subsided and both members were getting in their car.

[145] And yes, to be honest, and I'm the person that usually will expose you to the other person's side and go, well honey, she just was trying to X, Y, Z. She was asking to go down the wrong way in a one -way lane and make a bunch of other cars that were in the tree pickup Up line move.

[146] Yeah, that's crazy.

[147] And then as I was trying to accommodate, right, she then puts her hands out the window, starts clapping, oh, I guess you could do it.

[148] She's yelling at me, blah, blah, blah.

[149] And then she starts to go forward.

[150] She still's not ready to go forward.

[151] So she starts coming forward.

[152] And she does start coming off the thing.

[153] And she just barely misses hitting the truck.

[154] And that's when I was like, you got to fucking stop moving your car.

[155] And let me. I heard the word dumbass.

[156] Yeah, yeah.

[157] I heard the word dumbass.

[158] And then let's cut to the B story.

[159] of this Christmas horror film.

[160] Happening simultaneously to this, both children have removed their seatbelts.

[161] They're in a wrestling match on the front seat of the truck while all this other stuff is happening.

[162] They're so into wrestling right now.

[163] And one of them kicks the rearview mirror.

[164] I'm like trying to look out the window of this woman who's about to hit me and the kids are kicking items inside the truck and it's altogether just too much for me at that point.

[165] So when I finally get around this gal, I say to the kids, You know, I ask them 10 times, please stay in the backseat.

[166] Please stop fighting in the truck.

[167] Please, please, please, please.

[168] And then I tell them, I'm going to sit outside the truck.

[169] You guys do whatever you want in the truck, but it's too much for me. I'm going to sit out in front of the truck.

[170] That's fair.

[171] Try to remove myself from the stressful situation.

[172] Get out in front of the truck.

[173] Now the windows are down.

[174] Now they're both hanging out the window.

[175] They're screaming at it.

[176] Now Delta's hurt.

[177] Now Delta's screaming and crying.

[178] Now Lincoln's say, oh, you got to come out here.

[179] He's hurt.

[180] And I'm saying, too bad.

[181] Too bad.

[182] She's hurt.

[183] One of the kids opens the door into another car.

[184] And I'm like, oh, my God, they just ended a car.

[185] I come back.

[186] Okay, got two tickets.

[187] We got two Christmas trees this year.

[188] We went four broke.

[189] I'm super excited about it.

[190] I'm walking back to the car.

[191] I see my husband hot -faced trying to calm down, which is what you should have done outside the car.

[192] I was nervous for everyone inside the truck if I stayed inside.

[193] The girls are banging on the windows, honking the horn, they honking the horn, screaming crying.

[194] When they get mad at me and they scream, I hate you, mom, they run to their bedroom, right?

[195] But they don't understand that adults need to do that, too.

[196] That privacy is really important when you're feeling heated.

[197] So I'm like, ooh, okay, here we go.

[198] So I get in the truck.

[199] First, I hear them out.

[200] They have a lot to say about it.

[201] A lot of grievances.

[202] A lot of grievances about dad, how he handled it.

[203] And then also they were - He spoke to me in a violent manner.

[204] She knew to throw in violent as if I've ever heard them or anything.

[205] I was frightened.

[206] She's got a good vocabulary.

[207] But they didn't leave out the attitude of the other driver.

[208] You came in to deal with the crisis that had unfolded.

[209] between the three of us, and they were smart enough to hit you immediately with my misbehavior towards the woman.

[210] That was the first order of business.

[211] But they told it truthfully.

[212] They were like, and she was leaning outside her window, clapping at Daddy and sarcastically smiling.

[213] And that was rude.

[214] And I said, okay, let's start there.

[215] That was rude.

[216] So Daddy was put in a situation or was in a situation that made his temper flare.

[217] And he was in a situation where he needed some privacy just like when you need to run to your room.

[218] So they calm down.

[219] And I'm like, there's nothing to be scared of.

[220] Everybody gets mad.

[221] And then we talked a little bit about how you don't need to absorb anyone else's energy.

[222] If someone around you is mad, you can choose to react to that with like, oh, this person needs a moment.

[223] So we get that lesson out of the way.

[224] We go to the house.

[225] And I walk inside the house.

[226] I'd carried this little planter in from the old house and I set it down.

[227] And we're doing the tree unload.

[228] The girls are currently watching this show on Disney Channel called Casey Undercover, which is an old Zendaya show, and it's got a lot of fighting.

[229] And let me also mix in.

[230] Lincoln just watched two of Jackie Chan's classics.

[231] Oh, yes.

[232] So she's also very into kung fu right now.

[233] The kung fu is off the charts.

[234] So they've got wrapping paper rolls, and they're whapping each other with it, and it's very violent.

[235] And I'm like, listen to me, just go in the other room.

[236] We're trying to get a 150 -pound Christmas tree in the house.

[237] They're getting on both of our nerves so much.

[238] everybody is at a 10 of overwhelmed.

[239] We're trying to water the tree.

[240] The tap stops working in the house.

[241] Then we got to figure that out.

[242] We finally get in the car and, you know, we drive the one block back to our house and Dax looks at me and he goes, oh my God, what a night.

[243] Can I get my credit card back?

[244] Uh -oh.

[245] And I went, yeah, let me just check my front.

[246] Hold on a second.

[247] Do you remember my jacket?

[248] My jacket.

[249] My jacket, jacket pocket maybe?

[250] I don't have his credit card.

[251] I sing on the cake.

[252] And now this is where the context of we had just come off of a discussion about I need to prioritize the right things.

[253] So the fact that I did not maintain knowledge of the location of this credit card was.

[254] Comical.

[255] I was very kind.

[256] I didn't care at all.

[257] No, it was me. And you said, okay, I'm going to go check at the other house.

[258] I said, I must have set it down in the mayhem of trying to get the girls calm down.

[259] He goes, checks at the other house.

[260] I'm putting the girls to bed.

[261] He says, I can't find it anywhere.

[262] And I text him back.

[263] I am so fucking embarrassed.

[264] And he said, don't worry about it.

[265] It's only a credit card.

[266] I said, no, this is an indication of my mindlessness.

[267] And I need to find it.

[268] So then I text you and I say, can you come over and sit with the girls for 10 minutes?

[269] Because at this point, it is 8 .30.

[270] I work in the morning at 6 a .m. I am ready to have a coffee and take my flashlight out.

[271] and retrace every step until I find this card.

[272] I was going to, I was like, I'll brew some coffee.

[273] I can do this.

[274] I will find this card tonight.

[275] This will not be a scar on my record.

[276] Again, repeatedly I'm telling her.

[277] It's totally fine.

[278] Don't worry.

[279] It's not about you.

[280] I'm just going to hang at the house for a minute and chill.

[281] It's about me. And then you didn't respond within like...

[282] I was watching the crown in the other room.

[283] That happens.

[284] So I texted Laura, who's also in our pod.

[285] I said, I just need you for 20 minutes.

[286] Can you come over and sit with the girls as they fall asleep?

[287] She came over.

[288] I go outside.

[289] in all the raw dirt on our new house property where the cement again, which takes a long time has yet to be laid.

[290] I am in the garbage can looking through like the tree holder that we got, I walk inside, and I'm like, I am so sorry.

[291] We hug, we laugh about it.

[292] I'm teary -eyed a little bit.

[293] As I'm walking out, I look at the planter that I brought on the original trip and sitting right next to the planter is the credit card.

[294] So I had found it.

[295] I said, in retrospect, what a perfect 2020 Christmas tree grab.

[296] Yeah.

[297] Very on brand.

[298] Very on brand.

[299] Very on brand 2020.

[300] Delivered right to the end.

[301] Wow.

[302] It was a very stressful evening.

[303] I talked with the girls, I was like, even though tonight felt scary and stressful, and we were all crying at one point, and we were all sort of yelling at one point, we still have to maintain how grateful we are because, like, you know, L .A. has a big homeless population.

[304] I said, do you think if you went to any of those homeless people that live right near our house and said, hey, you can have this house and these opportunities, opportunities for work and this loving family, you just got to deal with one stressful Christmas tree night.

[305] Of course they'd say yes.

[306] So let's still maintain how grateful we are.

[307] And now we look at it and we can smile.

[308] But it's rough.

[309] It's memorable.

[310] Yeah.

[311] Certainly some of the previous Christmas trips have been forgotten.

[312] But I think this one will be lodged in there for a while.

[313] It'll go down in the books.

[314] Yeah.

[315] It could have been a movie.

[316] Yeah.

[317] Maybe it will be.

[318] Maybe you'll write a movie about it.

[319] Oh, about our trip to Home Depot.

[320] Christmas Home Depot.

[321] Now, Monica, this is a very sad thing for you.

[322] This will be your first time not going home for Christmas.

[323] I know.

[324] First time ever.

[325] It's sad.

[326] It is sad.

[327] I was really nervous to tell my parents that I decided I don't think it's appropriate to fly right now.

[328] I called them and I was just chatting.

[329] And then in the middle of my mom said, you're not coming home for Christmas, right?

[330] And I said, no, I don't think so.

[331] And so she kind of let me off the hook.

[332] But they also feel the same way I do.

[333] want to risk anything.

[334] So I'll be here and that was scary to think about waking up by myself in my apartment.

[335] Well, you'll sleep at the new house, right?

[336] You'll be by yourself.

[337] We finally get you.

[338] I mean, it's sad for your parents, but happy for this set of your California parents.

[339] I know.

[340] I know.

[341] I know, but it's your first Christmas in your new house and might be nice for you guys to have.

[342] No, Monica.

[343] Don't do this.

[344] Don't do this.

[345] Anywho, we'll talk about this off air.

[346] No, we're going to solve it right now, and you're going to commit.

[347] There's nothing to solve.

[348] In front of a million people that you're spending Christmas Eve at the house.

[349] Okay.

[350] I will.

[351] But another takeaway is it was sad and scary, but then I thought, well, since I'm going to be here, I'll get a real Christmas tree this year because normally I do artificial because I'm normally gone for so long.

[352] So I also went to Home Depot before you guys.

[353] You're who planted the seed.

[354] You had done it the Sunday breakfast.

[355] before and we were like, oh, we got to get on it.

[356] Yeah.

[357] I went with Jess.

[358] Jess came with me. He helped me. Tall and strong.

[359] Yes.

[360] Very tall, strong and brave, he'd like to add.

[361] So big, so powerful.

[362] Yes.

[363] And our experience was lovely, unlike yours.

[364] That's what happens when you don't have children.

[365] It can be peaceful.

[366] Yes.

[367] I did have to park, not in the parking lot.

[368] It was so crowded.

[369] And I was feeling a little panicky about the amount of people that were at Home Depot.

[370] Sure.

[371] Sure.

[372] But But Jess and I picked one out.

[373] He's the father of my Christmas tree.

[374] Father Christmas.

[375] And a very cute boy helped put the tree on top of my car.

[376] And we were both very excited about that.

[377] And it was lovely.

[378] And then he helped me put it up and put the lights on.

[379] And it was special.

[380] It was something I wouldn't have normally been able to experience.

[381] But it was again indicative of this year.

[382] And hopefully it was a starter experience because hopefully next Christmas you'll be at your house.

[383] God, I hope so.

[384] Yeah.

[385] I really hope so.

[386] I'm going to get two trees.

[387] Yeah, get three.

[388] I'm going to get six trees.

[389] One for every room.

[390] I can't wait.

[391] Well, again, because of Zoom and kind of how we've shifted gears here, we're going to get to check in on this holiday episode with some incredible folks.

[392] Oh, yeah.

[393] Chris and helps set all these delicious people up.

[394] I didn't mean for it to be a Central Park reunion, but it sort of ended up being a Central Park reunion.

[395] True.

[396] Oh, my gosh.

[397] I didn't even think.

[398] about that.

[399] Well, again, because we're all close as friends.

[400] The reason that Josh started the show, he talked to all of our friends and was like, can we get together?

[401] So, yeah.

[402] I got no idea, no premise.

[403] Are you guys in?

[404] And we all said, yeah, do I. Where do we sign?

[405] So we've got Josh Gad, Josh Gad, Emmy Raver Lampman, Leslie Odom, Jr. Smoke show, Leslie Odom, Jr. Big time.

[406] And our in -house musical genius, the Minister of Soul, Bob Murvac.

[407] Oh my gosh.

[408] I'm so excited to hear Bob.

[409] And then the resident female singer on Armchair Expert, Kristen Bell.

[410] That's right.

[411] We got lucky.

[412] I have some surprises.

[413] Oh, I love surprises.

[414] I love surprises, too.

[415] Especially Christmas surprises.

[416] Yeah, they're the best kind.

[417] Well, I think we should get started and hop on the Zoom with old Josh Gadd, one of our favorite guests.

[418] Joshie Gadd.

[419] First of all, thank you so much for being a part of our Christmas special.

[420] Of course.

[421] I've told you many times, you know, one of my very top guests we've ever had.

[422] What a blast we had.

[423] Would you agree?

[424] Yes.

[425] I would agree that I was one of your best guests, but I would say that no matter what, so I don't know.

[426] Sample size is small for me. Well, then I think it's unanimous.

[427] Yeah, it was unanimous in the gad household that this was the best one that you've ever done that we've listened to.

[428] Now, can I just ask you for some color commentary?

[429] You're Jewish.

[430] Orange.

[431] Red, what?

[432] You're Jewish, to my understanding?

[433] Yes, to the best of both of our understanding.

[434] I was born a Jew.

[435] Uh -huh.

[436] But I married a Catholic.

[437] I wanted to introduce a little spice in my life and celebrate Santa Claus, which felt spicy.

[438] As a child in Florida, did you guys celebrate?

[439] Did you beg your parents like, you know what, I get it.

[440] I don't want to be disrespectful, but let's get a fucking tree up in here.

[441] Yeah, well, you know, at a certain point, you just get tired of Chinese food.

[442] You just get sad that that's the only form of celebration on Christmas.

[443] You see other kids in the neighborhood with Christmas trees, and you're having general sows and you're like, this doesn't feel like a Christmas meal.

[444] This feels very specific.

[445] But listen, watch this memory.

[446] As I recall, when you had your dream eat day, General Sous was on there.

[447] I was thinking that.

[448] Well, very good memory.

[449] Also, great show notes.

[450] Yeah, we have a list.

[451] We have the transcript in front of us.

[452] Yeah.

[453] And I do love General Sows.

[454] But Christmas doesn't feel like a general sows night.

[455] Feels like a night of like brisket and like, you know, Christmas -y foods.

[456] I also really just missed not having a Christmas tree.

[457] I love the spirit of Christmas.

[458] I'm a very Christmassy guy.

[459] Like, my general disposition is one of, like, I could be Chris Kringle if I was slightly heavier and had a whiter beard.

[460] If I had to recast a remake of Elf, I would absolutely cast you.

[461] You'd be my first stop.

[462] If I was the director and I had a dream casting choice for a reboot of Elf, you'd be it.

[463] What do you guys think about that?

[464] 100%.

[465] That's very sweet.

[466] I feel like Will Ferrell's not going to like this episode, but it's okay.

[467] I feel like maybe he doesn't, maybe he only listens to his episodes of armchair.

[468] Well, there's that.

[469] And then, of course, do you watch on Netflix the movies that made us, those little documentaries?

[470] Oh, my God.

[471] I love that series so much.

[472] Well, there's one I was watching while I was lifting weights and beautifying my body this morning about Elf.

[473] They've done one on Elf.

[474] Have they?

[475] I haven't seen it yet.

[476] Okay, and then what you realize is like, oh, wow, that was 17 years ago.

[477] That was 2003.

[478] It was, and the movie holds up so well.

[479] You know what else I just showed my kids, which I forgot is slightly inappropriate, but I showed them Christmas vacation.

[480] Oh, it's the very best Christmas movie in our household.

[481] I think it is.

[482] Wait, how is it inappropriate?

[483] The best Christmas movies of all time.

[484] Well, there's inappropriate parts, like just language and the part where he's daydreaming about her getting naked and jumping into a swimming pool.

[485] raised a lot of questions for my daughters.

[486] Oh, I thought you were going to say Uncle Eddie's very pronounced package in the grocery store when they're buying dog food.

[487] He's got a foot of Schlong in those tight pants.

[488] Oh, yeah.

[489] Oh, good old Randy Quaid Schlong.

[490] We watch it with our kids without any ethical issues for better or worse, but I am always waiting for one of them to bullseye that enormous schlong.

[491] Like, it's an eye catcher.

[492] It is.

[493] It is.

[494] They actually keep asking me to show them now vacation.

[495] and European vacation, and I feel like that I shouldn't do yet, right?

[496] Like, that would be a no. What age were you when you saw a vacation?

[497] You had to be very young.

[498] I was younger than them, but my parents were assholes.

[499] Well, hold on, though.

[500] Look at you.

[501] You're a family man. You're a good human being.

[502] You're wealthy.

[503] Heaven forbid they follow you in your footsteps.

[504] Well, that's true.

[505] Yeah.

[506] That's true.

[507] There is a generational disconnect.

[508] And I think it's because we didn't have these things readily available to us in the same way that our kids do now.

[509] So there's a lot more like decision making that goes in because we know that everything's at their disposal.

[510] But when we were growing up, didn't you guys feel like our parents weren't very sort of, they would take you to Blockbuster and they would basically wait for you to pick whatever you picked.

[511] And it wasn't much in the way of like vetting what you were picked.

[512] At least my parents didn't.

[513] They were just like, yeah, go take whatever you want to watch.

[514] What is it?

[515] Oh, Godfather trilogy?

[516] Great.

[517] Oh, Alien?

[518] Great.

[519] This is great for a six -year -old.

[520] Well, if I can just say, And I know for context, I know Dax is actually going to use this as a pro for his argument, but his argument is coming from a man who was taken to see Scarface in the movie theaters at five years old.

[521] Yes.

[522] That chainsaw scene is so memorable when you're five years old.

[523] Yeah, no, it would be.

[524] It would be.

[525] My brother and I got to go to Blockbuster.

[526] We rented exclusively 80s gang films.

[527] And I mean like street gangs, like guys fighting with chains and shovels.

[528] Yeah, you did.

[529] Guys dragging guys behind motorcycles.

[530] And yeah, my dad did not seem to care at all about.

[531] that.

[532] I had two older brothers.

[533] So they really introduced me to, like, accidentally or not, they introduced me to a lot of movies that I probably, like, I remember seeing Nightmare on Elm Street when I was six years old.

[534] I walked into our den and my brothers and their high school friends were all gathered around the TV.

[535] And it's that crazy bus sequence that starts the movie.

[536] And I remember it vividly.

[537] And I also remember sleeping in my parents' room for the next year, vividly.

[538] Uh -huh.

[539] Did they ever watch pornos and you'd come in the room and they were watching?

[540] My parents?

[541] No, no, no, no. I assume they did.

[542] All the time.

[543] All the time.

[544] Your older brothers.

[545] Yes, I saw pornography at a very early age.

[546] Actually, I shouldn't say this because it's going to embarrass my folks, but I remember finding a copy of the joys of sex.

[547] Oh, okay.

[548] Which feels very Christmassy.

[549] Well, joy.

[550] Yeah, well, because of the word joy.

[551] Yeah.

[552] the world.

[553] That reminds me of the Christmas season.

[554] So that was traumatic.

[555] I didn't know what I was watching.

[556] Okay.

[557] I was just, yeah, it just looked, it looked like a lot of people were hurting each other with parts of the body I didn't know where it existed.

[558] Right, right.

[559] Lots of pinnature of actions.

[560] Well, should we get into singing some Christmas songs?

[561] Yes, I'm going to sing.

[562] Now, I, I feel very intimidated.

[563] Why?

[564] Aren't you a professional singer?

[565] Unlike your wife, I'm like a fake singer.

[566] She's like a legit, great singer and Leslie Odom's a great legit singer.

[567] Josh.

[568] Emmy's a great legit singer.

[569] I'm terrible.

[570] Can I counteract your insecurities real quick?

[571] Yeah, of course.

[572] Do you think Bob Dylan was a stellar singer?

[573] Do you think Neil Young was a stellar singer?

[574] I think what's interesting is Bob Dylan's Bob Dylan.

[575] Exactly.

[576] And you're fucking Josh Gad.

[577] That's my point.

[578] Merry Christmas.

[579] Those are two very different things and doesn't help support my statement at all.

[580] Actually makes me more scared to something.

[581] No, listen to me. There are people.

[582] who have a character and who have a tone and who have a fingerprint as obvious as yours and it's intoxicating.

[583] Okay.

[584] That's the truth.

[585] So here we go.

[586] Then I'm going to sing you a Christmas song.

[587] Oh, my gosh.

[588] The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

[589] The answer is blowing in the wind.

[590] Oh, my God.

[591] That was beautiful.

[592] I could hear the pitter patter of reindeer on the roof.

[593] I could hear the pitter patter of Bob Dylan's lawsuit.

[594] hitting my front door.

[595] Okay.

[596] I think to have your listeners listen to something so unsound so dissonant is a good reminder that Christmas isn't always perfect.

[597] Oh, that's a great message to go into.

[598] It lowers expectations and you're sure to be delighted on the big day.

[599] Yeah.

[600] Wait, can I make a special Christmas request?

[601] Do you remember any of what are your Christmas traditions from Olaf's TV movie?

[602] Oh, you want me to do the Olaf Christmas song?

[603] I mean, I wouldn't, I hate it because I've been thinking about that for so long.

[604] Yes, I'll do that.

[605] Hang on.

[606] Let me just look up the lyrics.

[607] Okay, ready?

[608] Mm -hmm.

[609] One, two, three.

[610] Happy Mary, holly, jolly season's greetings here.

[611] I'm wondering what your family does at that time of year.

[612] Loving joy and peace on earth and tidings of good cheer.

[613] Do you have tradition things for that time of year?

[614] Well, we hang up boughs of evergreen on every single, doorway bake a giant cookie in the wavey shape of Norway go from door to door to door while singing in our choir hang up all your giant socks above an open fire that sounds safe so happy Mary you'll dive Carol's faithful friends are dear thanks for sharing what you do at that time of year we better get a move on if we're going to hit every house in the kingdom I gave you plenty that was great more than I just want to to hear it once from you while looking at your face.

[615] Because I like nothing more when I see Olaf's voice coming out of your face.

[616] You like nothing more than hearing just a broken this, by the way, my voice is for shit right now because last night, Kristen and I did a Goonies table read where I was playing sloth and screaming the entire time.

[617] The most expert sloth.

[618] So I have nothing left to give.

[619] You've seen since the movie.

[620] He put the mask on, he turned his chair around and he went, oh, when the shackles were on.

[621] What's his catcher?

[622] phrase.

[623] Hey, you guys.

[624] There it is.

[625] There it is.

[626] It's the laugh that I love them.

[627] Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare.

[628] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now.

[629] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[630] Or you can listen for free wherever you your podcasts.

[631] So I'm going to give you guys a little, I know you're going to get other people singing Christmas songs for you.

[632] I'm not going to do that.

[633] I'm actually going to spice things up and give you a little Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah.

[634] This is a song I grew up with.

[635] Sing along if you know it.

[636] And here we go.

[637] Five, six, five, six, seven, eight.

[638] Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah, let's light the menorah.

[639] Let's have a party.

[640] We'll all day.

[641] Santa Hora, gather around the table will give you a treat, a draddle to play with and lottas to eat.

[642] And while we are playing, the candles are burning low.

[643] One for each night they shed a sweet light to remind us of days long ago.

[644] One for each night, they shed a sweet light to remind us of days long ago.

[645] long ago.

[646] Yeah.

[647] Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah, let's light the menorah.

[648] Let's have a party.

[649] We'll all dance a hora.

[650] Gather around the table.

[651] We'll give you a treat.

[652] Dradle to play with Alka'sa -e.

[653] And while we are playing, the candles are burning low.

[654] One for each night, they shed a sweet light.

[655] to remind us of a day long ago.

[656] One for each night, they shed a sweet light to remind us of days long ago.

[657] Oh, wow, wow, wow.

[658] That's a sinister song, would you agree?

[659] I mean, scares the shit out of me. Those candles are getting low.

[660] My interpretation of it certainly would give you that impression.

[661] I just imagine a really sweet Jewish family with three or four children on the ground just kind of shivering and scared.

[662] Yeah, it's usually sung by children which makes it, I think, less volatile.

[663] Okay.

[664] And when I sing it, I think it sounded much more hostile than it was intended.

[665] Well, I imagine like Pantera playing that or something.

[666] Yes, yes, Christmas Pantera.

[667] Yes, that feels right.

[668] That feels right.

[669] And, like, I didn't mean to give your younger listeners because I know you have many children who listen to your show.

[670] Well, we have a contract.

[671] with a national daycare center.

[672] That song that would be stuck in my head all day, but not with the lyrics.

[673] It's going to be like, hund da -da -da -on -d -da -da -da -n -n -da -n -n -da -n -n -n -o -now.

[674] If you used to put some, like, just bass behind that, we could actually have a really cool hit.

[675] I agree.

[676] I agree.

[677] Does your show get to make money off of it if it works?

[678] Yeah, we'll own all the rights, and that was agreed to just now, and there's now a tape of it.

[679] That's a real bummer.

[680] Now, let me ask you a really quick question.

[681] Hey, anything, Dax?

[682] I'm so grateful you joined us.

[683] What are your holiday plans?

[684] Well, we're thinking about spending some time in the house.

[685] Oh.

[686] Haven't had an opportunity to really all just sit in the house and think about life and, you know, we're...

[687] Be together.