Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard XX
[0] Hello.
[1] Hi.
[2] Okay, this is our last episode of the year.
[3] No. Yes, I feel sad.
[4] I know, but we're not taking much time off.
[5] You're right.
[6] It's so weak.
[7] But it feels major.
[8] It's the last one of 2023.
[9] Yeah, it's so exciting.
[10] We started this this year, and we're, how many, like, we're like 21 or two episodes in.
[11] Okay.
[12] And it's fun.
[13] None of all.
[14] None of all.
[15] It sounds like none.
[16] It feels like a lot.
[17] lot of time is past and no time is fast at the same time.
[18] Yeah, per yuge, right?
[19] New way.
[20] How are you feeling about the holiday?
[21] I feel this year I would like to just skip it.
[22] I'm having those vibes.
[23] I'm sure a lot of people feel, I mean, Christmas is, well, holidays are notoriously a time of depression.
[24] Well, it brings up a lot.
[25] It's kind of like birthdays, but particularly with the holidays, it's this pressure to feel very happy, very jolly, and feel good about your family, feel good about yourself.
[26] Sure.
[27] Your relationships, right?
[28] Like everything.
[29] And is it going to run this around?
[30] I mean, I'm probably ready.
[31] Okay.
[32] So fast.
[33] Oh my God.
[34] Is it clean?
[35] There's some down there.
[36] They should be clean.
[37] Do you see any?
[38] Yeah.
[39] Okay.
[40] So hard pivot.
[41] We stopped to make tea.
[42] Yeah, we had to make tea.
[43] And then we started talking about stuff.
[44] Stuff.
[45] And now we have to discuss.
[46] So we went and got coffee the other day.
[47] Yeah.
[48] We went to work at a coffee shop.
[49] Yes, that's true.
[50] Because I do want to be clear, it's not that we went just for coffee, because that would have been more absurd.
[51] Oh, okay.
[52] What I did.
[53] Got it.
[54] I mean, okay.
[55] I still think it's funny, though.
[56] Okay.
[57] So you had a coffee, you had had had coffee already?
[58] Is that what you're saying?
[59] I probably had already had a tea that morning, but like, I had to order something.
[60] Because you brought your own bagel, too.
[61] Yeah, so that's why.
[62] You have to make up for it.
[63] Okay.
[64] Yeah.
[65] So you, I, you know, you're taking up for it.
[66] Okay.
[67] taking seats.
[68] And then I go, okay, I'll go get us coffee.
[69] What do you want?
[70] And then you said they have this blueberry thing.
[71] Yeah.
[72] I don't know what it is.
[73] But if they say vanilla, you say yes.
[74] Yeah.
[75] Add vanilla if they ask you.
[76] Yes.
[77] And then I was really nervous.
[78] But then when he asked me about the vanilla, then I knew I'd pass the test.
[79] That's right.
[80] I'd order the right thing.
[81] And then I brought it back to you.
[82] Or he asked me the size and I was like the largest one you have, which I feel like is what you're supposed to do when you're ordering.
[83] Not for yourself.
[84] But if you're ordering for someone and they didn't tell you the size.
[85] You get the biggest one.
[86] That's fair.
[87] I should have specified the size.
[88] No, but I brought it back.
[89] And then we were there for a few hours.
[90] Yeah, like three.
[91] Yeah.
[92] It's an outside area.
[93] Everyone's doing work there.
[94] It's like, that's the vibe.
[95] Computer work.
[96] Were people doing work?
[97] Oh, God, yeah.
[98] That whole place is full of people on their computers.
[99] Okay.
[100] It's very good.
[101] I'm immersed.
[102] I did notice.
[103] Okay.
[104] So then, and then we finish up.
[105] Is it bad?
[106] Is it bad?
[107] Oh my God.
[108] What's in there?
[109] I don't know.
[110] There's all this debris.
[111] From the tea?
[112] From my tea?
[113] Oh, maybe it's from the tea.
[114] Oh, that's fine.
[115] Because I put the tea bag in there.
[116] I'm just worried it's dip.
[117] Dip?
[118] Well, there's dip all over this place because Stacks dips.
[119] So I'm just going to pour it out just in case.
[120] I can't drink dip.
[121] It's not your fault.
[122] I'm going to redo it.
[123] Okay.
[124] I'll do it.
[125] No, no, no. Well, there should still be water.
[126] in there.
[127] Oh, gross.
[128] Debris.
[129] It's probably tea, but you don't know.
[130] I can't risk it.
[131] No, you can't.
[132] Okay, I'm back.
[133] Second tea.
[134] So much is happening.
[135] So much.
[136] Okay.
[137] Actually, PIN, okay?
[138] Do you think it's weird?
[139] So I drink hot water.
[140] I drink just plain hot water.
[141] I know, I know.
[142] I'm so impressed by anyone who continues to listen.
[143] It's just so.
[144] Remarkable.
[145] Anyway, do you think it's weird that I drink hot water?
[146] I don't.
[147] Okay.
[148] Because I am cold all the time.
[149] Yeah.
[150] And I prefer hot water.
[151] Like, there are times where I don't hydrate myself because I'm like, I don't want to drink cold water.
[152] Same.
[153] And so I think hot water is a move.
[154] It goes hot, lukewarm, cold.
[155] Yeah.
[156] Cold water is, unless I'm coming back from like a very strenuous hike or like sauna.
[157] But even then, I don't...
[158] Oh, yeah, Sona, yes, you're right.
[159] That I would like...
[160] But even then, like, it's not my preference.
[161] And apparently, okay, so my friend Kat was on a date with this guy many years ago, and he refused to drink cold water on the date.
[162] And he kept bringing back the water.
[163] I know.
[164] Like returning the water?
[165] Oh, my God.
[166] And then he told her about how cold water is bad for you.
[167] Yeah.
[168] And then lukewarm is what you're supposed to drink.
[169] And then he returned the water.
[170] And he was hot.
[171] nice and but she was like, I can't do this.
[172] I can't.
[173] That's a deal breaker.
[174] Returning water.
[175] Returning water is the proper.
[176] Also, just let it sit for a sec. It will get warm.
[177] That's a good point.
[178] It feels like there might be other issues.
[179] Controlling.
[180] Yes, if you're doing that, which, you know, it's the big thing.
[181] Everyone needs it in a way.
[182] Well, we all want it.
[183] We all want it.
[184] But it comes out in different ways for different people.
[185] Okay, so back to the blueberry.
[186] The blueberry.
[187] Okay, so you ordered it for me. It was really sweet.
[188] I ordered it.
[189] And then, As we know, you don't drink full drinks and you have a history of drinking half of it over the course of many hours.
[190] By the time I've drank like three, because I'm a quick, I'm a quick drinker.
[191] You're a slow drink.
[192] And I've never, I don't think in my life ever thrown away a half drink drink.
[193] Wow.
[194] That I purchased.
[195] I don't think I would be like physically able to do that.
[196] But is that because a waste thing?
[197] or I spent money so I have to.
[198] Maybe, but there's a sunk cost.
[199] It's like already been spent.
[200] If I don't like it, that's different.
[201] Okay.
[202] But I have trouble not finishing things, not just drinks.
[203] Actually, like food, like, and I eat it or I drink it quickly.
[204] I've seen evidence to the contrary with food.
[205] Well, at that coffee shop, that day, actually, I was thinking about it because I was like, I didn't finish it.
[206] Because I bought two pastries, and I wasn't going to eat two, like, so I ate half of each.
[207] But also, Easter egg pin, we are.
[208] are going to talk about your chicken.
[209] Oh, God.
[210] That's a different story, obviously.
[211] But even, like, when we go to dinner, I'm never like, wow, Liz eats all her food.
[212] Like, you don't.
[213] I do.
[214] You just don't notice.
[215] Because I think, wow, Monica doesn't eat finish her food.
[216] No, I eat a lot of my food.
[217] Remember we went to Little Dom's, we, we, quote, unquote, got the artichoke, and I ate the entire choke.
[218] Well, you got the artichoke.
[219] And I said, will you split it with me?
[220] No, you said, will you have some?
[221] And I said, I'll have some.
[222] You had one leaf.
[223] I know, because I didn't.
[224] didn't want the artichoke.
[225] I wanted you to get it.
[226] So I was like, sure, I'll eat one.
[227] But I ate the whole, that's a large, anyway, I feel that I ate a whole pasta.
[228] I also ate a pasta.
[229] You didn't finish it.
[230] I did.
[231] I'd be always gluten -free.
[232] It was bad.
[233] I'm sorry.
[234] No hate, but I'm trying the gluten -free lifestyle.
[235] I know.
[236] And it's not the same.
[237] So I ate three quarters of it.
[238] But typically, if it was gluten, I would eat the whole, I'd never, ever ordered pasta and not finish every bite.
[239] How can you?
[240] It's so good.
[241] So good.
[242] Okay.
[243] Wow.
[244] Okay.
[245] So that day with the drink, we gather our things, get ready to go, and I'm going to throw out all my papers and stuff, and I'm going to like, oh, I'll take yours.
[246] And then your drink is full.
[247] It's the same.
[248] Maybe one sip has been taking it, and it's much warmer than it was three hours ago, because it was a cold drink.
[249] It was an ice.
[250] It was an ice.
[251] And now it was a lukewarm coffee.
[252] I drank one seventh of it.
[253] I think that's fair?
[254] It was huge.
[255] That's a big -ass iced blueberry coffee.
[256] Blueberry vanilla coffee.
[257] It's like, it was like a soft drink.
[258] Like a 7 -Eleven big gulp.
[259] Yes.
[260] Not as big as a big gulp.
[261] But still.
[262] Anyway, it was a huge drink and I drank, I would say, one seventh of it, which is normal for me for that drink.
[263] because it's very sweet.
[264] I like it a lot, which is why I get it.
[265] I like to take little sips.
[266] It's a treat.
[267] But I couldn't drink the whole thing.
[268] It would be way too sweet.
[269] Wow.
[270] Now, I have a tangential question.
[271] Did you feel like it was offensive a little bit?
[272] Because you bought me that coffee.
[273] No, no, no, no. Are you sure?
[274] That's not what went through my head.
[275] If I pay for it, it does go through my head.
[276] Because then I'm like, you bought this and you're not drinking it and you're wasting your money.
[277] But that's different.
[278] It doesn't count.
[279] I mean, if it was a $500 drink and you just drink one sip and turn it back, I'd be like, but I didn't really, I wonder if guys think about that on dates.
[280] Well, not that women don't also pay the dates.
[281] Yeah, we don't have to gender everything.
[282] We don't, but.
[283] It's so hot, my water.
[284] Debrideless water.
[285] Yeah.
[286] Okay, if you're on a date and then he pays and you don't like the thing and you don't eat, if you have one drink and you do guys.
[287] Guys feel offended?
[288] Or girl.
[289] Like, I don't want to gender it because then we're like making it so hetero.
[290] Are they offended?
[291] I am not.
[292] I haven't thought about this.
[293] I don't...
[294] It's because I don't live my life like that.
[295] I'm pretty wasteful.
[296] I'm very wasteful, actually.
[297] I want that to be a New Year's resolution, but the other thing is...
[298] I do wish we had cameras.
[299] That is a New Year's resolution.
[300] and like immediate growl.
[301] But I can't.
[302] And the reason I can't is because I do prioritize other things over that.
[303] One, I'm not going to choose discomfort over waste.
[304] So I'm not going to drink that whole thing not to be wasteful when I'll feel sick at the end of it.
[305] But I still want to be able to indulge the way I want to.
[306] And so I do.
[307] Maybe that's bad, but it is the way I go about life.
[308] I feel fine, like having a small amount of a thing and then being done with it.
[309] Yeah.
[310] I can, like, hear the comments of people being like, I'm so entitled or, or like, I don't care about money.
[311] But I'm really happy that I live like that because I'm pretty good at moderation.
[312] And I think that's why.
[313] And I'm not so stressed out about the choice because I don't have to finish it.
[314] Do you know what I mean?
[315] Yeah.
[316] I also feel that you're not like.
[317] Like, I've been around people who, I don't even know if wasteful is really the term, but they, it's, uh, is it opulence or like just, you know, who buy a lot and, and it doesn't matter if it, like, I remember, whatever, I was on this date.
[318] This is so many years ago.
[319] But yeah, we've ate and then, and he was very much like this, like a very showy or he needs to do big things and grand gestures and spend.
[320] And, but he was also very sweet.
[321] And that wasn't his whole personality, but that's definitely how he like showed affection.
[322] Uh -huh.
[323] So whatever, we have food.
[324] And then he's like, let's have dessert.
[325] And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so full.
[326] I can't.
[327] And he's like, okay, if you could just have one bite of any dessert, which one would it be?
[328] And then I name like three.
[329] Like, this one looks kind of good.
[330] And like this one.
[331] But then I was like, no, but I'm not just going to have one bite.
[332] That's silly.
[333] And then he ordered all three to have one bite.
[334] And to me, that is crazy.
[335] Yes.
[336] I feel, well, not crazy.
[337] Obviously, you can do whatever you want.
[338] But that's wrong to me. That's like, you don't care.
[339] Is it like, because like when our parents.
[340] would say, like, they're starving children.
[341] Like, that's what's wrong with it?
[342] Like, what's actually wrong with it?
[343] I want to break it down.
[344] Let's break it down.
[345] My parents wouldn't be the starving children in Africa people.
[346] Those were the lunch ladies would say that to us.
[347] But my parents, and they still are like this.
[348] I am to them a wasteful New Yorker, to go cups for my coffee.
[349] And to them, that's outrageous.
[350] My family, I make it's a core value.
[351] And it goes beyond probably what you can imagine.
[352] I mean, my dad was composting in the 90s.
[353] If I threw out an egg shell in the garbage, I would get yelled at.
[354] And if I answered anything, it's like, it's gross.
[355] I don't want to put it out or I don't want to, you know, I forgot.
[356] It's like I was told I was, you know.
[357] Bad?
[358] Yeah.
[359] What are they saying?
[360] Because they're not saying frozen children.
[361] In Arndale.
[362] If they're not saying hungry children, And when they say you're bad, what is it connected to?
[363] Commercialism.
[364] Sorry, it's a French word.
[365] It's like materialism.
[366] But an eggshell is not materialism.
[367] I think I'm better than everyone else, that everyone else has a role in making sure that the planet sticks around for as long as possible.
[368] And to take care of our environment and take care of our things and each other, it's very like individualist, I think, to them.
[369] or very selfish.
[370] And I think there's an element.
[371] This is the part that does, for me, ring true.
[372] Like, when I get something that's very, that I feel is expensive or that I'm splurging, I do feel bad because I feel that there are so many people who have so little.
[373] Then I'll start doing the math of like, well, if I hadn't bought this pair of shoes, I could have given it to someone that could have made a bigger difference in their life than the shoes made in my life.
[374] My parents don't really do that, but that probably comes from something.
[375] So when he orders the three desserts, yeah.
[376] And you're like, That's wrong.
[377] What's wrong about it is that we are living in a country where many children literally don't even have, like, breakfast in the morning.
[378] So we're going to order three expensive desserts so that we can have one bite.
[379] The personal gratification of that action is worth the waste.
[380] Well, I know what you're going to say.
[381] You're going to say, are those three desserts going to go to that homeless person?
[382] Are they, you know, you're like, yeah, that's exactly right.
[383] Like, you're pairing it as an either or, and it's not.
[384] But it is.
[385] How?
[386] I think that the fact that we don't see our actions as connected to other people is the reason why we continue to live the way that we do and live in such inequality that we do.
[387] If we were able to see our actions as more connected, we wouldn't think, well, the homeless person, because yeah, there's so many steps to the homeless person getting a house, being able to get into the restaurant, being able to get the dessert.
[388] But the reason why that person can't get into the restaurant is partially because of the rampant inequality that.
[389] puts me in a situation where I can order three desserts and I'm fine and someone can't even get one meal.
[390] Yes.
[391] I hear what you're saying, but there's not a situation where you not getting the dessert.
[392] I mean, there is a situation.
[393] If you had $100 only and you were like, okay, I could give some of this away or I could buy three desserts.
[394] And then you chose three desserts.
[395] In that case, of course, there's a finite amount.
[396] But my guess is, I don't know who this person is.
[397] who ordered the three desserts.
[398] But if they're a generous person, they probably are giving away, also money.
[399] Well, I don't know what they're doing.
[400] Whatever.
[401] Let's say that person you knew gave a ton of money away or did a lot of philanthropic stuff.
[402] Would you be okay with it?
[403] I think that that would clash with his values.
[404] I would think, so you do value equality, but your actions aren't in alignment.
[405] Equality doesn't necessarily mean everyone has, well, I mean, maybe to you it does.
[406] To me, it doesn't.
[407] To me, a quality of opportunity is different than a quality of stuff.
[408] I don't think we're ever going to live in a world where every single person has the exact same amount of stuff and the exact same amount of money.
[409] And I just don't think that's realistic.
[410] Well, I don't want, I don't necessarily even think I want everyone to have the same.
[411] And again, I'm very imperfect at this life philosophy.
[412] And that's why I end up feeling mostly guilty all the time.
[413] But, I just think we should have a lower tolerance for the amount of rampant inequality that we witness and exist in all the time.
[414] That's actually the thing.
[415] I feel bothered by it.
[416] And I guess, yeah, me feeling bothered by it, you could argue, like, doesn't do anything.
[417] But I think if more people were, more things would be done.
[418] I think that we do tolerate a certain level of it.
[419] We just accept that that's just the way that things are.
[420] And I can't.
[421] When you think about just how we just opened the tap, we just wasted water.
[422] I know.
[423] And there are people.
[424] people just can't, like, do you ever think about it?
[425] Like, that boggles my mind.
[426] Yeah, we just did a fact check where we were looking at deaths by diarrhea.
[427] Mm -hmm.
[428] It's so high.
[429] Of course, not in this country, but in other countries where they don't have clean water, which is a lot.
[430] But it's like, I think, 1 .7 million deaths.
[431] It's startling.
[432] But me feeling guilty doesn't change it.
[433] You can contribute stuff to change a thing, but the guilt will not do it.
[434] it.
[435] If the eight guys who have 90 % of the money right now felt more guilty, we wouldn't have the level of inequality that we have.
[436] But I don't know that that's fair or true.
[437] It's like Bill Gates is.
[438] He has so many initiatives to literally figure out diarrhea.
[439] Like when you watch his talk, it's impossible not to laugh at the amount of times he says diarrhea.
[440] And people are putting money towards it.
[441] It's not a quick fix.
[442] It's not like because we don't have diarrhea.
[443] They won't have it if we just do some money.
[444] Like, it's a different, fully different infrastructure.
[445] I think it's a little, what's the word?
[446] I feel like it's a little...
[447] Do you think it's simplistic?
[448] I don't know that it's simplistic, but this is going to sound really bad.
[449] And I don't think it's the right word.
[450] But there's something a little bit self -indulgent about constantly living in the world is bad.
[451] Because you're just walking around like, the world is bad, and it's upsetting and it's upsetting me, and I'm upset.
[452] it almost becomes about, not you, Liz, but this in general.
[453] This, like, again, kind of like, if we're making it raise, like, white tears a little bit.
[454] It's like, that's not helping anything.
[455] There are things to do that can help, but you crying about it is actually not the thing.
[456] And that is sort of how I feel about a lot of things.
[457] Isn't the three desserts literally not, like, an action?
[458] Like, because I'm not saying, like.
[459] But it's not an action that has a direct consequence.
[460] You're saying it's a frame of mind.
[461] Well, the three desserts is like on the scale of actions that you're taking in your daily life might be, yeah, a sort of smaller action.
[462] But if that's paired, if that's, I'm not saying just be sad and then order three desserts and waste all your money and be like, oh my God, it's so sad that the world is unequal.
[463] But if you're taking many actions in order to try and at least correct that inequality, I think that that, I don't think that's self -indulgent.
[464] I think it's noticing something that's making you uncomfortable and something that you don't like and trying to change it.
[465] I'll get really upset because I don't feel like I can really make a difference.
[466] And I think the three desserts makes me feel like at least like there's something I can, yeah, I can't march over to Congress and like make them change tax laws and get rid of all the lobbyists and the people who really actually run our government.
[467] But I can do things in my daily life that at least, I think that, I think it's that, you know?
[468] Yeah, I do understand it.
[469] I just think it's, I worry a little bit that if you ask, people not to indulge in their own life because of other people framing it as an either or I don't think is smart.
[470] People will pick themselves every time.
[471] And so if you say it's not either or, you can have three desserts and you can help give, pay attention to what's going on, vote for the things that make everything more equal.
[472] If there's a prop that says, You can only order one dessert at dinner, and that means the extra desserts are going to go to unhoused people.
[473] Yes, vote for that.
[474] But I think telling people that things that make them feel good or happy or splurge comes at a cost, I just don't think it's helpful.
[475] Yeah.
[476] Because they won't.
[477] And then they'll be like, fuck that.
[478] I'm not looking at that ever.
[479] I don't care.
[480] I work hard.
[481] I this, this, this, this is this.
[482] I mean, we're humans.
[483] Like, we do that.
[484] Of course.
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[530] What I'm seeing is a lot of similar to what you're talking about, which is a lot of people who are upset and annoyed with the state of the world.
[531] And my impulse is to try and help people see that they can be part of the solution.
[532] But I'm not telling people like, don't start.
[533] Like, don't do, you know, take away basic things that you need and want.
[534] But, yeah, like, I mean, this is something I think about all the time, because I struggle with it a lot.
[535] And if I struggle with it, I, you know, often what you struggle with is often what, you know, other people are struggling, too.
[536] And I'm like, there's just so much to be upset about.
[537] And you don't want people to disengage, whether it's with spending or even politically, right?
[538] And just be like, well, then I won't vote and I won't, you know.
[539] But yeah, how do you manage?
[540] Yeah, I feel like it's emotional.
[541] It's like management of, it is.
[542] I do think anytime there's even a remote strand of shame, people can't handle it.
[543] People cannot handle feeling shame.
[544] So every time that gets injected in a conversation, you've lost.
[545] It's over, you're done.
[546] Yeah.
[547] And so I just think practically it's just not a smart.
[548] Yeah.
[549] And when you don't see the effects of your actions, I think that that's also the frustrating thing.
[550] Like, I feel that even with, like, recycling.
[551] And sometimes I'll feel it in myself.
[552] I'll be like, whatever.
[553] Like, I won't recycle this thing because, like, what's the point?
[554] And that's when I go, oh, no, this is, you know, not only may not recycle.
[555] but then I'm like hopeless and I think nothing matters but also I don't kind of blame people.
[556] Well also though when you do start doing research on all of this stuff it gets really fucked up and then you are like does anything matter because actually yeah it's true that that bottle is not getting recycled the way you think it is.
[557] When we had Trevor Noah on armchair he said some he was like people get blamed for things like not recycling or not or like the way they engage on social media and he was like it's the institutions that we have to blame and hold accountable and, like, vote in a way that creates more accountability there because we can't be like, you're bad because you didn't recycle.
[558] No, it's a problem with our systems that are making a person in charge of this.
[559] And then it is not getting recycled.
[560] Right.
[561] I don't know.
[562] It's complicated.
[563] We started at blueberry.
[564] I know.
[565] And just after saying, like, this is just talking about nothing we get into the most.
[566] That's what we do.
[567] That's what we do.
[568] That's what we do.
[569] We should go back to blueberry vanilla coffee.
[570] I mean, but look at where we got from there.
[571] That's right.
[572] We went light, we went deep.
[573] Okay, wait.
[574] What did I have a pin in?
[575] Oh my God, your chicken.
[576] Okay.
[577] Tell everyone about your chicken.
[578] We went to Craggs.
[579] And that day, my doctor broke the news to me that I have to start eating meat or else I'm going to die.
[580] You're not getting enough protein.
[581] I'm not, yes.
[582] All I eat is soy.
[583] All I eat is tofu.
[584] And apparently I'm like allergic to it.
[585] I have to eat meat.
[586] It's really hard, but I did it with you because we can do hard things.
[587] We always do our things together.
[588] True.
[589] We had a great waitress who helped us out with a lot of options.
[590] She was so good and helpful.
[591] Yeah, she gave us a lot of options.
[592] And we landed on the whole chicken, which feels counter maybe to things.
[593] But I did eat Charlie's chicken at 4th of July, and so that made me think maybe chicken is something I can get into.
[594] And there were a lot of fries.
[595] We asked for mayo.
[596] And I ate a really small amount, but you did eat some.
[597] I did.
[598] I got it down and you helped me through it.
[599] And have there been more encounters with meat since?
[600] So, okay.
[601] First of all, I brought home the chicken and I cut in little pieces to put it into stuff.
[602] Yeah.
[603] And then I did put it into a salad, but it's like I'm a toddler.
[604] Or not a toddler, but you know when you're a kid and like you have to finish your whatever?
[605] and you, it's like death.
[606] That's what it feels like.
[607] So keeping it down and swallowing, like I have to like pitch my nose and sing a song.
[608] It's really bad.
[609] But then I ordered pizza and I was like, I'm going to order chicken on the pizza.
[610] I'm going to try that because I love pizza.
[611] But you also don't eat cheese.
[612] I don't, but they had vegan cheese.
[613] They had gluten -free.
[614] But I thought you just didn't like cheese.
[615] I don't like cheese.
[616] But I also can't eat dairy.
[617] Right.
[618] But before even that dairy thing, you didn't eat cheese.
[619] I know.
[620] There's just, I wish.
[621] I'm so picky.
[622] So I ordered pizza.
[623] And then it came and I was eating a few bites and I was like, okay, I can do this.
[624] But then I started realizing that under the tomatoes, there was pepperoni that I didn't anticipate.
[625] And so then I got really, it's definitely mental.
[626] Yeah.
[627] Like it's definitely mental.
[628] Then I felt very nauseous.
[629] And so I gave the rest of my roommate.
[630] And then I couldn't really eat any more of the pizza.
[631] Okay.
[632] So I don't know.
[633] I googled, can I eat meat without chewing it?
[634] Like, will I still get the nutrients?
[635] And you don't, or it's just not.
[636] And then I thought I could blend it, make some sort of drinking.
[637] I wish I could drink meat.
[638] I wish there was like, or a pill.
[639] Can you do like animal protein powder?
[640] I'm doing one of those bovine thing.
[641] Like, that was one of the things my doctor.
[642] Yeah, but also you can just get animal way protein powder.
[643] That has dairy.
[644] That has dairy.
[645] Way?
[646] Yeah.
[647] Hmm.
[648] Maybe.
[649] So I'm working on it.
[650] I'm working on my meat.
[651] Stay tuned.
[652] Yeah, you're going to keep at it.
[653] There's a meal in Quebec called hot chicken.
[654] It's hot chicken, but we say it that way or a chicken.
[655] And that I feel could be my gateway.
[656] It's two pieces of bread, a bunch of old, like leftover chicken, slapped together and just pile of gravy and green peas on top of it.
[657] Oh.
[658] Is it hot?
[659] It is hot.
[660] Hot chicken.
[661] Right.
[662] It's like just spice.
[663] Why is it hot?
[664] You mean hot temperature -wise?
[665] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[666] It's like a hot chicken sandwich with a bunch of, like, dripping in gravy.
[667] You know gravy has gluten.
[668] Fuck.
[669] I mean, the other thing is, I mean, I know, like, you have.
[670] Yeah, no, it's rough around here.
[671] I wake up in the mornings, and I have nothing to look forward to.
[672] I'm like, exactly, right?
[673] It's like when we had Emily Oster on Race to 35, and we were like, we can't do anything while we're doing this, egg freezing and she was like, well, yeah, you have to do a cost benefit analysis.
[674] Yeah, having one glass of wine might have a teeny bit of an effect.
[675] She was like, but it probably won't, but it could.
[676] But if it's reducing your stress or if you have so much stress around not having it, you're doing way worse.
[677] That's right.
[678] So this diet stuff is tricky because you're also just so stressed about the diet.
[679] I am.
[680] None of this can work or it can help.
[681] I wish there was a drink that, you know, like in the.
[682] This is how men think, which I never related to until this moment.
[683] So many men, food doesn't mean anything to them.
[684] They're like, I wish I could just take a pill and not eat.
[685] Like, have you had guys tell you that?
[686] I haven't so many men tell me this.
[687] It blows my mind every time because I'm like, food is the best part of the day.
[688] Once you're finished your meal, you're already thinking, planning for your next one, and that's what gets you through the day.
[689] But no, a lot of men just see it as like a thing they just have to do or like a fully non -pleasible activity.
[690] I have now migrated to that camp.
[691] I wish there was just something so that I didn't have to think about it.
[692] Because when you have a lot of health issues, I'm sure so many people who are listening do, it becomes a math calculation every time, and especially if you're not at home.
[693] So I'm working through it.
[694] And hot chicken, I'll find gluten -free bread.
[695] I'll find gluten -free gravy.
[696] And I'll just eat that for the rest of my life.
[697] My 14 -year -old self -dream.
[698] That sounds good.
[699] Sounds yummy.
[700] We have hot chicken here, but it's hot flavored.
[701] It's spicy.
[702] Oh, hot chicken.
[703] Like, it's a thing.
[704] Like, you can get Nashville hot chicken at places.
[705] It's a thing to get hot.
[706] hot chicken.
[707] Oh, so it's spicy.
[708] It's not a sandwich.
[709] It's not a sandwich.
[710] You can't get it on a sandwich.
[711] The whole point, it's not hot temperature wise.
[712] It's hot spicy.
[713] Okay.
[714] Well, I don't know why we call it.
[715] I mean, whoever leaves, you know.
[716] Sounds good though.
[717] It is yummy.
[718] It's a classic.
[719] Okay.
[720] So let's do a couple questions.
[721] Yeah.
[722] Last couple questions of 2023.
[723] Oh, let's make a count.
[724] 70 -year -old lonely man wants to be my friend.
[725] I'm 21.
[726] I love this already.
[727] This is from Cali.
[728] I've been working at a cafe for almost two years and have developed relationships with many regulars.
[729] One in particular is a 70 -ish -year -old man who is very lonely.
[730] I know he lives alone and doesn't have any family or seem to have friends.
[731] He's completely just a sweet, innocent old man. When I started serving at a different restaurant, I told all my regulars to come visit me. But when this particular regular came in, we started to chat and he asked if I would like to do something together.
[732] And I didn't know what to say, so I gave him my number.
[733] Such a Liz thing, too.
[734] I immediately felt to shift after crossing this boundary and I felt uncomfortable.
[735] Even though I'm 99 % sure there's nothing sexual about the relationship.
[736] He knows I'm in a relationship.
[737] I don't know what to do because my heart wrenches for him and thinking about hurting his feelings makes me nauseous.
[738] But my gut also feels weird about starting a personal relationship.
[739] Help I need the Sink Squad's guidance.
[740] Oh, no. I relate to this so hard.
[741] I gave another person my phone number after fucking four minutes.
[742] What do you mean?
[743] I went to Trader Joe's to get stuff, and this lady started talking to me. It's not men, it's always ladies.
[744] What did she talk about?
[745] I don't want to talk about it.
[746] I don't want to, and cut this out because people don't think I'm nuts.
[747] I get immersed in the moment, and I think, like, oh, my God, this person is so nice and kind.
[748] And there's a part of me that just wishes we lived in a world where you just live in community with people.
[749] And you're like, oh, you're nice.
[750] You're doing cool things.
[751] If we didn't live in the age that we did where we're all live far away from each other and we're all in cars all the time, you would just run into people.
[752] But now it's like, how do you keep in touch?
[753] But do you want to?
[754] I think in the moment, look, I said I'll give you my email and then people go to phone number.
[755] But all you have to do is say, I'm not comfortable giving out my phone number.
[756] Yeah.
[757] It's so easy.
[758] I am keeping this in because this is important.
[759] By the way, and I'll meet you here.
[760] I give some of my phone number.
[761] You did this week?
[762] And no, like a while ago.
[763] She asked, though.
[764] She asked specifically, and she knows my brother, kind of.
[765] I ran into this person on the street.
[766] She said, oh, my gosh, are you, Monica?
[767] I said, yes.
[768] She was like, I know your brother.
[769] And she said how.
[770] And I was like, oh, my gosh, how cool.
[771] Do you live in the neighborhood?
[772] Yeah, I do.
[773] I'd love to hang out.
[774] Can I get your number?
[775] And I gave it.
[776] And I regretted it.
[777] I really did.
[778] Because then she texted me. Yeah.
[779] And I'm not going to hang out with her.
[780] I'm sure she's so nice.
[781] Yeah.
[782] It's nothing to do with her.
[783] It's just, I'm not going to.
[784] I'm not, and you're not going to either.
[785] You have to be honest with you.
[786] You don't want to.
[787] I mean, let's look.
[788] I have 380 unread text right now.
[789] It's not even a thing of, I don't, I don't really care.
[790] I'm just, I don't, but there's a reason you have 380 unread texts.
[791] Because you're, people are texting you.
[792] How many unread texts you have?
[793] I have zero unread text.
[794] I have zero.
[795] People don't text me. unless they're in my life actively.
[796] I don't do that.
[797] Most of these people are in my life, for the record.
[798] Okay.
[799] You have a lot of people in your life.
[800] I don't have the ability to respond to everything that comes at me. And so it doesn't make you a bad person to say I don't want to hang out with a stranger.
[801] It doesn't make you a bad person.
[802] Right.
[803] But I feel like in your head it does, which is why you can't even say the words, I don't want to hang out with this person I met at Trader Joe's randomly.
[804] Like, it's okay.
[805] And in fact, it would be odd if every single person you came across, you were like, sure, I'll, like, build a relationship with them.
[806] And that's like, that's not healthy either.
[807] You need, we have capacities.
[808] Yes, that's the thing.
[809] You have zero unread text.
[810] Zero.
[811] Oh, my God.
[812] I mean, I have 32 ,000 emails.
[813] But I have zero unred text.
[814] I also have 32 ,000.
[815] Yeah.
[816] Emails don't even count anymore.
[817] I don't think, yeah, I don't think at 2023, if you write someone on an email.
[818] You might get a response, but no one's obligated to respond to emails.
[819] There's too many.
[820] Yeah.
[821] I understand, like, it's sad, especially when it's an older person.
[822] It's like, oh, it just like does break your heart.
[823] But she has a gut feeling and she needs to listen to it.
[824] I worked in bars.
[825] This happened, okay?
[826] Yeah.
[827] And it is very important that you never hang out with them.
[828] Sometimes even regulars will become very entitled to you, even at the place of work.
[829] Yes.
[830] And that would happen a lot even if I wouldn't cross the, I don't.
[831] I don't think I ever actually gave my number to, like, clients or stuff like that, but I really, clients, sorry, it sounds like I'm a, in French, we say it differently.
[832] It sounds like I'm, you know.
[833] So I had people come in and they feel that they have a special relationship with you.
[834] And in some instances, they do, right?
[835] But they'll demand a lot more of your time and attention.
[836] I would be careful not even to really do too much of that.
[837] Yeah, you cannot feel that you owe anyone anything at your job.
[838] Yes.
[839] Okay, I would say this.
[840] If he texts you, I mean, at this point, it's too late.
[841] You gave the number.
[842] So if he texts, it's fine.
[843] If he texts you, you say, why don't you just blame it on your boyfriend?
[844] I was going to literally hit that.
[845] So easy.
[846] I blame my imaginary boyfriend all the time.
[847] I'm sure your boyfriend also would be fine with it.
[848] If you, you know, I'm really sorry, my boyfriend's not comfortable with me. Engaging.
[849] Engaging.
[850] Yeah.
[851] Looking forward to seeing you next time you're at the blah, blah, blah.
[852] Keep it very minimal.
[853] Cordial.
[854] Yes.
[855] For yourself, because you already feel.
[856] feel a little bit uncomfortable, like really honor how you're feeling.
[857] Yes.
[858] And don't, you could have more of a boundary with this person even than you have before.
[859] I think that's totally acceptable and might actually, again, make your life a little easier.
[860] Because even though you're trying to be nice, when the message isn't clear for that person, it actually will only make things harder for them.
[861] And that helps me when I feel, again, I feel like I'm being mean or something like that.
[862] And I'm like, no, this actually is better for the person.
[863] Like, me being overtly nice will lead to them having expectations that won't get met.
[864] And that actually is the less kind thing to do.
[865] Yeah, totally.
[866] I just want everyone to get a little bit more comfortable and practice.
[867] Because it never feels good in the moment, but it feels immediately good once you've said, I'm sorry I can't or I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable doing this.
[868] You will feel so good about yourself for sticking up for yourself.
[869] And also, most of the time, the other person really respects you.
[870] you knowing yourself and sticking up for yourself and having a boundary, especially in the workplace that's been studied, that when people put up boundaries, they actually get more respect from their bosses and peers and stuff.
[871] So it's just really important to practice and, but of course she's just trying to be nice.
[872] But yeah, I think when he texts you, you either blame it on the boyfriend or you say, I'm so sorry, I should have done this earlier.
[873] I'm just not comfortable engaging via text.
[874] But I look forward to seeing you at blah, blah, blah.
[875] And even, like, Boll by the boyfriend, you can blame it on work and say, like, it actually crossed the boundary for me to take your, I shouldn't have done it.
[876] And even, again, put it on you, like, oh, I apologize, I shouldn't have given you my number.
[877] Looking forward to the next, blah, blah, blah.
[878] But you end it with, like, a positive of like, we're still going to be friendly, but.
[879] Exactly.
[880] It don't feel great.
[881] You're right.
[882] That in the moment, it feels like the most terrifying thing in the world.
[883] Because I found that if I don't do it, even if I think, oh, it's fine, I'm just going to avoid it.
[884] Or I'm just going to, you're just carrying it around.
[885] Exactly.
[886] And then you have, you'll feel icky.
[887] And in a personal relationship, if this is happening, you'll feel resentful.
[888] Yeah.
[889] The boundaries are there to protect everyone.
[890] And mainly to protect the relationship.
[891] Yes, that's true.
[892] 21.
[893] 21.
[894] She's so young.
[895] If it was, because also this can happen, right?
[896] Like, I've been in situations where I've joined a group, like this volunteering thing.
[897] And one of the people there, we did have.
[898] a special friendship.
[899] We did see each other outside of that and we're still friends, but it didn't feel wrong in my body.
[900] Exactly.
[901] Right?
[902] And the fact that you're immediately like, oop, that's all you need to know.
[903] And it's important to listen to that.
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[927] Okay, I can't stop obsessing over my boyfriend's best friend.
[928] DIVAN's divorce.
[929] Ooh.
[930] Okay.
[931] These are great.
[932] Anonymous.
[933] Hi, ladies.
[934] I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years.
[935] Recently, one of his best friends cheated on his wife.
[936] Recently one of them...
[937] I know, I'm trying to...
[938] Okay.
[939] Recently one of his best friends cheated on his wife.
[940] They got married last year.
[941] My boyfriend was in the wedding and we regularly grab dinner or have game nights with them.
[942] Her and I aren't that close.
[943] We only ever hang out when it's the four of us, but she's a great person and we get along.
[944] My boyfriend and I sort of both got dragged into it early on when my boyfriend's friend came over to talk about his new girlfriend before he told his wife.
[945] Then his wife came over after to talk to me about it.
[946] She was devastated and I had to not divulge too much information even though I knew the other side.
[947] Since the initial cheating, not even a month ago, they have separated and he has started fully dating this other woman, the one he cheated on her with, pretty heavily.
[948] Within the friend group, which started with the boys growing up together and us girls are all kind of add -ons or add -ins.
[949] No one seems to be that upset with him for cheating on his wife and now bringing around a new girl in less than a month.
[950] Jokes are made at his expense.
[951] Everyone laughs and it just kind of gets brushed off.
[952] But for some reason, I can't do that.
[953] Morally, I know what's wrong.
[954] She's a good person and she's hurting.
[955] And I would be too if I was in her shoes.
[956] Because he was in the friend group first before her, I know he will stick around and she won't.
[957] But I just can't get over the fact that no one is upset about this.
[958] The other woman who knew he was married has already been invited to an event later this month.
[959] and they go out to dinner publicly and are not giant but not super small town.
[960] When he comes to our house, he's always texting and smiling at his phone and taking videos of what we're all doing to share with her, and I just don't want to be a part of it.
[961] When he's around, he shows no remorse and justifies his actions and it irks me. I know cheating isn't the end of the world, but I can't stop obsessing over their upcoming divorce and I think my boyfriend is getting annoyed with me. It's not my place to reach out to his ex -wife and see how she's doing.
[962] That would be adding drama to the situation.
[963] Nor is it my place to tell my boyfriend his friend can't be around.
[964] but I hurt for her because she's a human being and I know she was devastated.
[965] And I just don't like that he's being cruel and everyone acting like they're fine with it to his face.
[966] It's not my relationship, so really none of my business.
[967] But I guess I would hope people would stand up for what's right for me. Am I obsessing over something that is 100 % not my business or is it normal to hold on to compassion and hurt for someone in a tough situation, regardless what they mean to you and want justice on their behalf.
[968] Thanks, ladies, I love the show.
[969] I relate so much to these questions.
[970] Yeah, these are great.
[971] I have a thought.
[972] Yeah.
[973] The reason you're so activated is because, you're worried that if that happened to you, no one would have your back.
[974] No one would be there for you.
[975] And I can relate to that too.
[976] This thing happened to me and why is everyone just okay with it?
[977] And nobody is saying anything or sticking up for me. And it's not, this is going to sound so brutal and harsh, it's not about you.
[978] And so you can have relationships with whoever you want.
[979] You don't personally have to hang out with them if you don't want.
[980] But you can't set a boundary for anyone else.
[981] So you can't tell your boyfriend to not hang out with him.
[982] You can't tell your other friends to be mad.
[983] I know from experience it's really unhealthy because they won't.
[984] They're their own people.
[985] They have their own opinions and feelings that you can't control and have nothing to do with you.
[986] And trying to will make you go crazy and make you obsess, which is where you're at.
[987] So it's really separating yourself from the situation.
[988] I like totally disagree.
[989] Decree.
[990] But I think you're right, but I understand entirely.
[991] I relate to that feeling.
[992] I've never been in that.
[993] I'm trying to think if I've been in that exact situation.
[994] Probably not.
[995] There's probably some projection.
[996] But to me, it's that, like, she has values and this is not aligning with her values.
[997] But she is not living it.
[998] Yes, but she's friends with all these people.
[999] I fully understand why this could be wrong to feel upset.
[1000] on behalf of a woman that you hardly know and not know the full extent of the situation.
[1001] I think that we make a lot of assumptions around cheating.
[1002] But the fact that he has no remorse and he thinks that everything's okay and he didn't do anything wrong, yeah, that would bother me because it's like, oh, I value honesty and things that aren't being respected.
[1003] And so am I really friends with these people?
[1004] Am I, you know, is my boyfriend also aligned with what I thought he would be aligned with?
[1005] Like, I think it's, to me, it is less about this guy and more about probably her and her feelings about it and probably with her boyfriend.
[1006] Not to, like, analyze her, but I wonder if her boyfriend was more upset and was feeling the same way that she was feeling, maybe this wouldn't be as bad.
[1007] Totally.
[1008] But that's what I mean.
[1009] You can't control the way other people are handling a situation.
[1010] She can say, I don't like this person.
[1011] I don't like the way he acts.
[1012] That's all she can do.
[1013] And I think to then place your own values on other people.
[1014] Well, she's not placing her own value.
[1015] It's like if you're with a group of friends and they all start hunting and you're like, wait, I don't think hunting is good and all of a sudden they're all doing something that doesn't fit with you.
[1016] I think that's also, it's okay to have those feelings, right?
[1017] And to be confused by that and to want to know, is it that we're on completely different pages?
[1018] Again, I don't think she's trying to control.
[1019] I think she's trying to make sense of her discomfort.
[1020] I don't think she's trying to control.
[1021] I'm trying to give her a solution, which is if you want to stay friends with all these people, That's the question you need to ask yourself.
[1022] Like, if the answer is yes, you just have to accept whatever people's values are.
[1023] Or it's no. You can talk through things.
[1024] It's not like I think you can work through things, right?
[1025] And I think this also seems like it's like her boyfriend's friend group.
[1026] So I think that complicates it.
[1027] Of course, you can talk things through.
[1028] But I think if you're ever in a position where you're trying to convince someone else that they should be upset about something that you're upset about, that's not healthy.
[1029] Trying to convince someone to be upset about something doesn't go well, ever, because they're not.
[1030] And then again, sort of back to the original thing we were talking about earlier, then they feel shamed.
[1031] Like, oh, you think I'm bad because I don't feel the way you feel.
[1032] And people have different feelings on these things.
[1033] And I think this is for her to work out.
[1034] To incorporate the other people is not going to get her the result, which is that every, everyone's now upset.
[1035] Well, they might not be upset, but they could explain.
[1036] So she's either, like, loses all her friends or she stops being upset.
[1037] Well, being upset over something you can't change is...
[1038] No, but it's...
[1039] Then you have a conversation about it.
[1040] Again, I'm putting myself in her shoes.
[1041] And, like, if my boyfriend is feeling very differently about something, I would want to talk about it with him and try and, you know, not make him upset, but try and understand...
[1042] Where he's coming from.