#644 - Brad WIlliams

[0] Okay, we're live.

[1] What's up, dude?

[2] How are you?

[3] I'm doing fantastic, my friend.

[4] Brad Williams, ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck?

[5] A meeting, if you told me six, seven years ago that I was going to be on the Joe Rogan podcast or the Joe Rogan show, I would told you no way in hell.

[6] Well, it didn't exist, so you'd have to go to Colorado, you'd have to find me. You'd have to go, dude, I got an idea.

[7] Yeah, there's this thing called podcasting.

[8] You're going to love it.

[9] Yeah, but there's no way I would have thought I would be doing this either Six, seven years ago So we're in the same boat Love it, man There you go, man Yeah, and now did you at, like we were talking the Pachial Mayweather fight Before he came on air Did you actually watch it?

[10] Yes, yeah, I watched it And as a fight guy, what were your thoughts on it?

[11] I'm sure you've covered this already So I'm sorry if you're gonna Make you repeat things You know, I'm not in the minority I actually enjoyed it Really?

[12] Yeah, I enjoyed it from like a technical stamp point and like two guys who are the best in the world trying to figure each other out.

[13] Yeah.

[14] And now do you think that as a guy that knows the fight game, you can respect defense more than your average fight fan?

[15] Well, definitely more than my wife.

[16] Oh my God, she was saying some retarded shit.

[17] She was saying, you should have to get knocked down in order to win.

[18] I go, what are you talking about?

[19] She goes, that way would at least be exciting.

[20] Make them go for it.

[21] So like, guaranteed concussion.

[22] Hearing shit like that She's so ridiculous It's like hearing shit Like some people Like I kind of get it She's not a fight fan So for her watching it It's just boring as fuck It's just two dudes Not hitting each other And then when one dude gets close The other dude grabs them You know Yeah like I love watching hockey on TV That's like my favorite sport To watch on TV And hockey's notoriously awful On TV and people hate it on TV I love it because I played for like five years when I was a kid.

[23] So, like, I recognize that they're setting up plays.

[24] I recognize strategies and stuff like that.

[25] So when I'm trying to explain to people, they're just like, this stupid or not scoring, I can't follow the puck.

[26] And I'm trying to, like, I'm trying to tell them the ins and outs of it.

[27] And I'm sure the fight game is like that for you.

[28] Do they still have that thing where they follow the puck, like, with a circle?

[29] Or did they try that for a while?

[30] No, they tried that on Fox.

[31] It was like, and it turned slap shots into a comet.

[32] Like, it just had this, like, red trail.

[33] behind it.

[34] Really?

[35] Yeah, and, like, it was supposed to get, like, the casual fan into it.

[36] But it's like, no one is going to hate hockey and then see a comet trail on the puck and go, well, now I'm in.

[37] I got this now.

[38] Well, they've done some weird shit like that with football, right?

[39] With graphics and...

[40] Well, the amazing part is that I was a huge fan of the XFL.

[41] If people remember the XFL, that was Vincent Mann's thing.

[42] And then a lot of the stuff that they did is now being implemented.

[43] into the NFL.

[44] What kind of stuff?

[45] Like the overhead camera that is like on strings and that follows the game from the top, that was XFL.

[46] That was XFL before, trying to make, I mean, they tried to make kickoffs more exciting until like all the concussion stuff came out.

[47] But yeah, like there's a few things and certainly making it more.

[48] Vince at least recognized that it would be more fun if there was like complex storylines and, like, you knew, like, the soap opera of it, much like he did for wrestling.

[49] So now you see the NFL, and it's the world's greatest reality show.

[50] Like, they follow the guys off the field, and, like, they get into their lives, and now it's what the XFL was.

[51] We're, like, they're trying to build up rivalries, and you know what players actually don't like each other and who slept with whose wife and things like that.

[52] You know, the problem with getting into the NFL's life, like, getting into the player's life, is, like, you're trying to pretend that these guys are not these savage gladiators who are just smashing people every day.

[53] And you want them like off field to be like these sweeties who are like baking pies and hugging their kids.

[54] No, it's like you don't get a guy like Ray Lewis without him.

[55] Like, did you see the video of him pleading to the people of Baltimore going, violence is not the answer?

[56] And he's like, he's so intense.

[57] He's like, yeah, okay, so if violence isn't the answer move out of your mansion because that's what built that mansion was violent.

[58] People know who you are.

[59] You're super violent.

[60] Yeah.

[61] That's like you and me saying like, don't tell jokes.

[62] Yeah.

[63] Stop it.

[64] Wasn't he on trial for murder?

[65] I mean, that's pretty violent.

[66] But he didn't really do it.

[67] It was like one of his entourage.

[68] He was an, or allegedly, accessory to murder was kind of, it was kind of like the snoop dog thing.

[69] Right.

[70] Either way, he's a football player.

[71] Like when you see like these fighters or these football players and you see them doing ridiculous shit and people get all super.

[72] It's like you can't ask them to be anything other than what they really are.

[73] Exactly.

[74] And if you want that result, you want that Ray Rice result, you're going to get a Ray Rice.

[75] You're going to get that happening.

[76] Which is, yeah, which is not saying we condone it.

[77] But it's just saying don't be surprised when it happens.

[78] Well, you can't all the sudden in 2015 start putting cameras on these guys and following them around and expecting them to have exemplary behavior.

[79] What they're good at is when the fucking play starts, they're good at.

[80] getting shit done.

[81] Right.

[82] You know, and the way you do that is through violence, explosive athleticism, smashing into things, fucking diving through mounds of enormous steroided up dudes.

[83] Yeah, and then with so much testosterone boiling over and then when Richard Sherman gives an interview last year or two years ago, when he's like, why do they think Crabtree can be put on me?

[84] Crabtree's a punk.

[85] Then they start getting mad at him.

[86] Like, how how dare you talk to Aaron Andrew's like that a petite white woman and you're just getting angry why are you so angry because he just played football for an hour that's why he's angry and that's why he's good at what he does yeah the idea that you wanted him to take it from 10 all the way down to one again like right and then just like come off like he's an Oscar wild player like well as we're on the field of battle may might I tell you it was quite an interesting route that one no it's not gonna happen those guys are gonna be too intense it's not fair I mean it well Everybody wants everything sanitized.

[87] I mean, we want to make, we want the purity of the sport, but then we also want it to be fan -friendly.

[88] We also want it to be easily absorbed by the casual person who's watching it.

[89] Yeah, and you know this because you've had to interview guys right after they fight.

[90] Yeah, they're fired up.

[91] After they've just been punched in the face, and that's literally the most testosterone probably that can run through your body in a three -minute period of just, like, getting revved up.

[92] and then Joe Rogan comes in and put some microphone and explain what happened out there and then they expect these guys to get like a complex thing.

[93] People wonder why athletes they get mad that they always have those textbook answers like one game at a time.

[94] I was just doing a play at a time where you go back and we're going to examine.

[95] They have those scripted answers so they don't have to think about giving those answers because they can't in those moments.

[96] Well, not only that, a lot of people are just not that good talking on camera.

[97] Like, that's something you've got to get relaxed at.

[98] We forget because we talk for a living.

[99] Yeah.

[100] And, like, that's what our normal is.

[101] Our normal is talking in front of a bunch of strangers and being funny on a moment's notice, rather be in an interview or a radio show or a podcast, whatever, just, hey, flip the switch, go.

[102] Right.

[103] The average person does not do that.

[104] Like, when they have an actor give a speech at an award show and it's like something, crazy happens and they have to be spontaneous it's like no they're actors yeah lots of times they can't do that yeah a lot of them can and some of them can like one of the best interviews ever was Mickey Rourke when he won some like Golden Globe or one of those fucking whatever the name of you I think all awards are stupid I don't pay attention to any of that shit you've faked it better than this faker but I mean no people do great performances absolutely but his he did this amazing speech where he was just so loose and relaxed and he was Talking all kinds of crazy shit It was like one of the best speeches ever And it was it was fun because he seemed like real comfortable in his own skin Yeah despite all the craziness of that guy's been through and yeah Yeah, it's always and that can go either way like people either freak out with the honesty of that person or Or it's really refreshing Is it is it?

[105] Yeah, this is it it was a spirit award That's it was I mean it was really what's really crazy too is like you see him in this video Yeah, we'll play a little bit of it And then you see him now Like now he looks like an old gypsy woman He's gone crazy and doctored his face up And there's actually an image that says Mickey Rourke old gypsy woman And that's exactly what he looks like Listen to some of this Thank you all very much Like look he's so happy I just want to say one thing about Eric Roberts Eric Roberts is probably the best actor I ever work with And I don't know why In the last 15 years Ain't nobody give him a chance to show his shit again because whatever he did 15, 20 years ago should be forgiven.

[106] And I wish there was...

[107] No, I'm goddamn serious about that.

[108] Eric Roberts is the fucking man. Love it.

[109] That's just one part of it.

[110] He gets loose.

[111] Yeah.

[112] Like I got, he deserves a second chance.

[113] And I wish there would be one goddamn filmmaker in this room that would let him fly because the man, he is, something else.

[114] Thank you, Eric.

[115] Uh, okay, it's enough on Eric.

[116] Eric will probably be arrested by the end of the day, but, uh, anyway, um, and that little blonde dude that did that thing, I'm going to beat your ass when I get out of here.

[117] But you're right, he's very loose.

[118] He's just like, whatever.

[119] Nice to be presented.

[120] But it gets, it gets better.

[121] Like, he gets...

[122] He's two talented three.

[123] I don't know what you do, honey, but these two are really good.

[124] You know, I've just gotten thousands of letters and shit from my people, strangers, and people that know me about my dog that died six days ago.

[125] Loki, Loki.

[126] This is what people who don't have kids do.

[127] You get all torn up about their dogs.

[128] Right.

[129] And I just got done talking to the Santa Monica Police Department.

[130] They gave me a bed to sleep in 10 years ago.

[131] And I thanked them for, I asked them for two pillows.

[132] They told me to fuck off.

[133] but anyway.

[134] It's like this kind of a speech.

[135] You're believing in me?

[136] This is right after he did the wrestler.

[137] Oh, right, right, right.

[138] Which, damn, that was a good movie.

[139] I told people in the past, directors like Darren Aronofsky come around every 25 years, the same way like Chimino Coppola and Parker, Adrian Line, all the rest of them.

[140] And I said 25 years, and he whispered in my ear 30.

[141] and the only thing I want to say to any young actor or any actor who gets an opportunity to work with Darren, you better be in shape because he will break you down.

[142] He has one tough son of a bitch and he don't like it when I say that because he goes, Mickey, he'll scare all the other actors away from me. But Darren, you know what?

[143] If they ain't got the balls to bring it, then fuck them, you know?

[144] Anyway, I want to thank...

[145] I love this guy.

[146] Yeah, but now, okay, so go from there and look at the image of him now.

[147] Pull up Mickey Rourke, old gypsy woman.

[148] Just, just, just, just, just Google Mickey Rourke, old gypsy woman.

[149] I would just always wonder, like, what the fuck happens to dudes or women or, you know, like that, that gal, um, the fuck's her name, Renee Zellwiger.

[150] Right.

[151] That's not even it.

[152] No, no, there's that one right there.

[153] Oh, geez.

[154] Yeah, this one.

[155] Look at that.

[156] Wow.

[157] What is that?

[158] She, I, I said she.

[159] I said she on instinct.

[160] I just looked at it.

[161] Because, like, he looks like his name should be Mildred right there.

[162] Like, just, it's that old, like...

[163] Everything's crazy about that.

[164] The wig is crazy.

[165] The face is crazy.

[166] It's like, poor bastard.

[167] Pull it back so he could see his hair.

[168] He's wearing this crazy hair piece.

[169] And is he trying to look like, or an old gypsy woman, or is that just him?

[170] No, he was at the fights.

[171] He was at the UFC.

[172] And he was upset at one of the decisions, and that was the face that he made.

[173] But he's done something to his lips, apparently.

[174] You're right.

[175] He looks like the character from the Stephen King movie, Thinner, that juicy woman that, like, rubbed her hand on the face, like, Finner.

[176] Yeah, that's her.

[177] Wow.

[178] So, well, I mean, him and Bruce Jenner could hang out and just talk shit.

[179] I don't think he's trying to be a woman, though.

[180] I think he's just going crazy.

[181] I mean, that's what you think, like, that's what this business does to people that, as they age, like, rather be Renee Zellweger or Mickey Roark?

[182] Or now there's some pictures out there I think of, I think it's Ouma Thurman Where it's like Umma Thurman's gotten I think they did some plastic surgery I think she did some plastic surgery To her and it's just something where You're built up as like Sort of either a sex symbol or whatever for so long And then it just goes It starts to fade away And does that fuck with your head?

[183] Yeah I mean I would imagine I mean someone described Beauty as a short -lived tyranny And I think beauty is like a really hard one because some women they go from being unbelievably desirable and then through no fault of their own, just to father time natural aging.

[184] They become monsters.

[185] Yeah.

[186] Whoa.

[187] What's going on there?

[188] What did she do?

[189] Oh my God, what did she do?

[190] She pulled some stuff back.

[191] She doesn't look like her.

[192] No. She looks like she's a character from that new movie Ex Machina.

[193] Whoa, that is weird, man. Right?

[194] That's weird.

[195] What did she do?

[196] I'm trying to figure out what she did.

[197] Is that just her wearing no makeup except for lipstick?

[198] I have no idea.

[199] I believe it or not, I'm not a plastic surgeon.

[200] Well, I feel like if you added, like, see, like one of them has all this eye makeup on, and the other one doesn't.

[201] That's a big thing with gals.

[202] Like, you ever see a woman who doesn't have eye makeup on?

[203] You always see her with eye makeup on, and then one day you don't?

[204] You're like, who are you?

[205] Who are you?

[206] Yeah.

[207] Oh, you're a fucking different human.

[208] The Huffington Post, and you might want to...

[209] Porn Stars?

[210] Yeah.

[211] The porn stars without makeup thing.

[212] Yeah.

[213] That blew my mind.

[214] That's a trip.

[215] Because then you see these girls without makeup, like with the makeup on, they are goddesses.

[216] And you just see them on the screen.

[217] You're like, holy shit.

[218] That's like the ideal.

[219] And then you see them without the makeup.

[220] You're like, oh, I know eight girls from Riverside that look just like that.

[221] Yeah.

[222] It's nuts.

[223] Yeah.

[224] You could do some amazing shit with makeup if you're a chick.

[225] Yeah.

[226] Oh, like, there's also a story about a dude.

[227] He's a makeup artist He like he's a he's I think he's a black guy and he showed that with makeup He could look like Kim Kardashian And and he put makeup on his face And at the end of it you're like yeah that let me grant it looks like a Madame Tussaud's Like wax museum Kim Kardashian but it that's you look like that like you created that and then he His face without it is not like that at all obviously Yeah What looks are a weird thing right?

[228] It's like you didn't ask for it you didn't work for it no and just boom that like in it's that old debate would would you rather have all the looks and then slowly lose them or would you rather be like uh jason alexander that looks the exact same as he did 30 years ago but he's going crazy too he's wearing a toupee now is yeah jason alexander put a toupee on it's like he's like a walking episode of seinfeld because signfield there was an episode of seinfeld where he wore a toupee and it was like it was really awkward and it was really obvious, and now he's kind of trying to do it.

[229] I mean, I don't blame guys to do the plugs or anything like that.

[230] I don't blame him.

[231] Hell, Wayne Rooney, the soccer player did it, and everyone knew that he had plugs, and he's like, I don't care.

[232] I have hair now.

[233] I did it, but you know what happens, man?

[234] First of all, you get a scar in the back of your head, so I have, like, a permanent smile on the back of my head.

[235] And then second of all, if the rest of your hair falls out, the way I described it is like taking healthy people and moving them into a neighborhood where everyone's, dying.

[236] The other hair falls out.

[237] It's like they haven't figured it out yet.

[238] It's like lips.

[239] Like when girls get their lips done, you don't want to be an early adopter of that.

[240] You don't want someone fucking with your face permanently.

[241] Yeah, this is the, I think, is it the Bill Burr bit?

[242] What is that?

[243] Bill Burr has a great bit about this where he's like, yeah, just wait until they fucking fix it.

[244] Like, wait until they get it right.

[245] Like, the people that are going into plastic surgery right now.

[246] Like, wait.

[247] Yeah, but they can't wait because they're 50 and they're like, fuck, you know, I just want to look 37, you know?

[248] It's like, you know what, there's people, like, some doctors nail it, though.

[249] That's the other problem is some doctors can do a really good job of making it look a little bit better.

[250] It's those guys that go crazy.

[251] Yeah.

[252] It's also like, a girl like Uma Thurman, I mean, how much shopping around does she do for a plastic surgeon if she even got plastic surgery or the other one, Renee Zelliger?

[253] Yeah.

[254] Do they just go with someone that they could trust?

[255] Like, do they know?

[256] Do they ask around?

[257] Yeah.

[258] I mean, and that's the thing is we talk about all the ones that went wrong because the ones that went right, we don't know.

[259] It's like, oh, they look great.

[260] A ton that went right, right?

[261] I mean, I don't know who, but like Christy Bray.

[262] Well, she says she never had anything done.

[263] She's like 61 or something like that.

[264] She's still hot as fuck.

[265] Yeah, I don't know what that is.

[266] Genetics, hard work.

[267] Yeah, you could see, you see Sophia Loren, even when she was 60, 60.

[268] you're like, yeah, well done.

[269] Good for you.

[270] Well, who is the other one?

[271] Raquel Welsh.

[272] She's like deep, deep into her 70s, and she's still hot as fuck.

[273] Yeah.

[274] It's weird.

[275] It's just the genetic lottery, I guess, or like, or like, you know, because, hey, some people are born and they've got like the natural, like Bo Jackson, where they say like just natural athlete, like God -given talent, Herschel Walker, just did push -ups and sit -ups his entire damn life.

[276] Supposedly.

[277] I'm not sure I buy that, because he also said that he only eats like a salad and soup the whole day.

[278] Whole day.

[279] Which doesn't even make any sense.

[280] And he also has multiple personality disorder, trauma -induced, multiple personality disorder.

[281] Wow.

[282] So who knows which Herschel is telling you that?

[283] One Herschel might be doing roids and squats.

[284] What you mean, if anybody can talk about genetic lottery, it's you.

[285] Yeah, no kidding.

[286] Yeah, because, I mean, Because people don't know, people aren't listening to this.

[287] A lot of people are just listening to this.

[288] Yeah.

[289] You know, explain.

[290] I am a conroplastic dwarf, and that's the type of dwarfism that I have.

[291] What does that mean?

[292] Because there's over 100 types of dwarfism.

[293] Whoa.

[294] Yeah, well, because it's a genetic mutation.

[295] So you have slight differences in how the gene changes.

[296] So there are literally some dwarves out there, some little people that, it's only like one of three people in the entire world that have that space.

[297] Pacific type of dwarfism.

[298] One of three in the whole world.

[299] Well, what are the differentiations?

[300] Well, like, okay, for me, achondroplasia is what I have.

[301] It's the most common type of dwarfism.

[302] Mine is characterized by small arms, small legs, prominent buttocks, I love that one.

[303] Prominent buttocks, enlarged forehead, collapse nose bridge, average -sized torso.

[304] So, like, when we're sitting down, we're making eye contact right now.

[305] Yeah, but I'm 4 '4 -foot -four.

[306] You're six, Five -eight.

[307] Yeah, you're five -eight.

[308] So, yeah, but there's some dwarves that have a completely different body type, like Vern Troyer, who played mini -meaning Awesome Powers movies, he's got dwarfism, but it's a completely different type of dwarfism.

[309] When that guy was on that celebrity, what was that show?

[310] Oh, surreal life?

[311] Yeah.

[312] Oh, that was so sad.

[313] I do a perfect impression of him drunk when he's, when he's pissing in the corner.

[314] He made a noise that...

[315] Is he still alive?

[316] Yeah, he's still alive?

[317] That guy seemed like he was drinking himself to death.

[318] You would think?

[319] I mean, hey, he's still ticking, man. That's amazing, and he's still alive.

[320] It's hardcore for a guy like that, too, because he goes and he gets this big movie.

[321] He becomes a celebrity, like, almost instantaneously.

[322] Yeah.

[323] And then after that, it kind of dries up.

[324] Yeah.

[325] And, you know, no one wants to see him hump a laser anymore.

[326] So now what you got And it's weird because I saw that And when I was trying to enter show business That's one of the reasons why I love being a stand -up comic Because no matter what I could always go on stage and talking from an audience and be funny I can do that And there's only a few amount of people that can actually do that So as long as I got that skill, I'm good I don't have to wait until a producer says Yes, I'll put you in a movie Yes, I'll put you in a TV show whatever To answer your earlier question I think that's what makes people go crazy out here like does the business do it to them what goes crazy is that they they're not in control of their own destiny yeah so if they do have any sort of success whatsoever if anything does take off for them it's like they're like oh it's happening it's happening it's like it's all out of their control right you audition for things you get the job you're on the set it's like when is it's going away and you got to cultivate your career so they have to be very careful about the things that they say yeah absolutely so Yeah, and that's one reason Like I said, I love being in comics I, no matter what, I always have that.

[327] Because, yeah, I've had a ton of auditions for TV shows that I haven't gotten.

[328] Thanks, Peter Dinklage.

[329] Fucker.

[330] Well, that guy's changed the game.

[331] He's amazing.

[332] He's changed the game.

[333] He's so fucking good.

[334] He's the main guy on that show.

[335] He's the dude.

[336] And it's the biggest movie ever, or the biggest show, rather, ever.

[337] Yeah.

[338] I mean, that show is one of the most impactful shows ever, and a dwarf is really the big guy.

[339] And I love that.

[340] And the fact that, yeah, they talk about, like, him being a dwarf in the show, but it's not the focus.

[341] I love that.

[342] It's just like they talk about everything off, man. Yeah.

[343] What's beautiful about what he does and his character and that show is he utilizes it to his advantage, and he lets people underestimate him because of it.

[344] Yeah.

[345] And Lord, Lord knows that.

[346] That's true for anyone that has dwarfism.

[347] Like, we're not, like, no one thinks that we can do certain things, or they're just not sure.

[348] Like, hell, when I played hockey, when I was a kid, like, the coaches on the other team would tell their players, all right, don't hit Brad.

[349] We don't know what's going to happen.

[350] Wow.

[351] Like, I don't know if they thought, like, they would hit me, and I would just, like, explode into candy or something like that.

[352] But they were like, don't hit him.

[353] We don't know.

[354] He could summon us.

[355] spell like I don't know what they thought but uh yeah like like people uh people underestimate hell the first time I ever went on stage I got on stage because uh because a guy was just like well you're a dwarf that's that's funny enough and then I went on stage and started telling jokes and he's like oh shit you you actually have jokes you actually prepared for this yeah awesome when did you what was your first time on stage how long you've been doing it I've been doing it 12 years And I've told this story On a couple radio shows, podcast before But I'll tell It's because it's a very interesting tie -in With you is I was in the audience of a Carlos Bensia show And he's on stage making midget jokes Half the audience is laughing Half the audience that's sitting by me It's just like Like just kind of pointing over Like And he notices that And he looks over and goes why aren't you guys laughing?

[356] And he actually said the sentence, what is one of them here?

[357] And I just raised my hand.

[358] I was like, what's up, dude?

[359] And he didn't even flinch.

[360] He called me up on stage.

[361] Like, holy shit, I got to talk to you.

[362] And I never done stand up at that point.

[363] And I walk on stage.

[364] He started asking me questions, and the answers I gave got laughs.

[365] And that's when I was like, oh, wow, this is what I have to do for a living.

[366] Wow.

[367] So Carlos Mincea did do something good in this world.

[368] Yay!

[369] One good thing happened.

[370] That's amazing.

[371] Yeah, that's why.

[372] That's why I said at the very beginning, like, if you told me six years ago that I'd be sitting with you, I'd be like, no way in hell, because there was a time, and I talked about this with Red Band on my podcast when he came on, there was a time I hated you guys.

[373] I absolutely hated you.

[374] And I had never met you guys before.

[375] But, you know, it was like teams.

[376] You know what I mean?

[377] It was like, this guy's trying to take on my boss and my friend.

[378] What's up?

[379] Fucker.

[380] You know?

[381] I get it.

[382] I get it.

[383] He was helping you.

[384] Yeah.

[385] But you had to know.

[386] yeah yeah it i mean everybody knew there's i mean but the things that he would do for me i can never repay the man enough because he literally took me from being nothing like an open micer uh because what because what happened was is i got bit by the bug uh i started doing stand -up about a year and a half later i showed up to one of his shows um and he uh and he he recognized me and he said like dude you're the guy, did you start doing stand -up?

[387] And I said, yeah, but doing it about a year.

[388] He goes, okay, well, let's, uh, let's get you up on stage.

[389] Let's, let's have you open up my show tonight.

[390] Let's see, let's see what you got.

[391] And that's whole, like, I put you up there because you're a dwarf, I think that's funny, but then, holy shit, you got jokes.

[392] And when I came off stage, after doing about five minutes, he goes, wow, um, do you want to be my new opening act?

[393] Like, right then and there.

[394] And I was a, I was a junior in college.

[395] I was going to USC.

[396] I had a year to go to graduate, and, uh, I dropped out.

[397] I dropped out.

[398] I, I, I, I, dropped out to be his opening act and that was his opening act for four years that's it first of all way better job security if you're funny than ever whatever fucking career you're gonna put together well like yeah well like that and people tell me they're like oh but you were going to college like what were you studying stop I was a communications major so calm down I wasn't curing cancer even if you were a doctor you know how hard doctors have to work unless you're like obsessed with being a neurosurgeon or something crazy like that right right fuck that job Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[399] I'm so glad that other people do it.

[400] So dumbasses like me don't have to.

[401] Well, you know, a guy like Carlos, even people that do bad things, like people that have bad ethics, they're not always bad.

[402] No. You know, there's a lot of gray in this world, and that's the reality of life.

[403] And he took me on the road, and when we were on the road, he would pay for all my travel.

[404] He would pay for all my meals.

[405] If we were ever going shopping, he'd say, hey, whatever you're getting, throw it on my pile.

[406] I'm good.

[407] Like, he took great care of me. And it's funny because, I mean, like, I still consider him a damn good friend.

[408] But now I'm friends with you.

[409] Like, I'm friends with Bert Kreischer.

[410] I'm friends with Jay Moore.

[411] Like, I'm friends with all these guys.

[412] You're a fence rider, Brad Williams.

[413] Yes.

[414] I don't pick aside.

[415] Whatever.

[416] That's good, man. You don't have to.

[417] You don't have to.

[418] I have friends that hate other friends.

[419] Sure.

[420] Yeah, I have a lot of acquaintances like that.

[421] Yeah.

[422] And if you're...

[423] The people that can't deal with that, they're baby.

[424] You know, if you really need all your friends to be on your team, like, grow the fuck up.

[425] Yeah, some people aren't going to like each other.

[426] That's fine.

[427] And if you have fans, and I'm sure you have fans that will never like me because of my association.

[428] That's not true.

[429] I mean...

[430] Those guys aren't really fans.

[431] Oh, okay.

[432] I mean...

[433] Fucking punks.

[434] But, and, I mean, that's fine.

[435] That's okay if you think that.

[436] The term fan is weird anyway, right?

[437] Right.

[438] I hate it.

[439] I hardly ever use it.

[440] It just seems odd.

[441] It seems like you're diminishing a person.

[442] It's like people that like you.

[443] That's what they are.

[444] There you go.

[445] You call someone a fans like all of a sudden like there's a there's like a different tier There's you and then there's them.

[446] There's you and then there's the fans right right right It's weird.

[447] Yeah, it's just people.

[448] Whenever you label things like that like there's a lot of bands that I like well, I'm a fan of a lot of musicians and now I'm friends with them and it's weird Right.

[449] Yeah, and in like when I started doing comedy that started happening a lot like I was a fan of people and then you know know, like, once you get past a certain level, and that level is pretty much just open micer, once you get past that level, you meet, like, everyone is, like, if you're in New York or L .A., you run into everybody.

[450] Yeah.

[451] So now I'm friends, like, I'm friends with Dave Attell, which is weird because I love Dave Attell.

[452] He's so damn funny.

[453] And then I started talking to him, and now, like, I get an email from him every now and then.

[454] It's like, holy shit, David Tell's emailing me. Yeah.

[455] But I can't have that moment.

[456] I go, no, this is your friend.

[457] This is not Davidel the comedy god I still get those I still have I still get those when I talk to Anthony Bourdain Like oh this is my friend Hmm How weird You know Joe Perry was on the podcast And every now and then Joe Perry text me and I'll show a friend Like yeah fucking Joe Perry's texting me right now And it's been said a million times But I can't emphasize enough that it's true The people that you put on pedestals Are still people No one is this being of all power that's higher levels, like they're all people.

[458] Everyone is a person, yeah.

[459] I mean, the most brilliant people on earth are just people.

[460] And one of the things that I found is the most successful people, the most interesting people, people that I truly enjoy talking to, they don't expect anything different.

[461] And as soon as someone does expect something different, then they stop being cool.

[462] Then I don't like them anymore.

[463] I can't just talk to you.

[464] Now you're fucking weird.

[465] Yeah, now I have to make an appointment.

[466] I was at the Hollywood Improv and Paul McCartney was there Yeah, I was there that night He was there two different times Really?

[467] Yeah, he loved, I guess for a while He just loved coming to see comedy And I got to talk to him very briefly, but still But he had like a guy that kept trying to drag him away And he kept looking at like, no, no no, it's all right, here, let me talk, let me talk And like he's the guy Whoever, his fucking handler, like handler, whatever the fuck Agent Maggot Yeah, it's just like, Paul, we got to go, we got to go.

[468] And Paul told him no and took the time.

[469] And that's literally the most famous person on the planet.

[470] He's right up there.

[471] Right, he's got to be top five.

[472] And he's taking time to be like, no, I'm going to give this guy his moment.

[473] And I don't know if it's just because he's a great dude.

[474] Maybe he understands that I'm Paul McCartney.

[475] And if I talk to a guy, it's going to make his life.

[476] I think he's just a normal dude.

[477] When I watch him talking to people, he just seems like a guy who is a great artist.

[478] But it's just a human being.

[479] I mean, that's exactly what he seems like.

[480] Just a human being, man. So yeah, it's cool when you realize that and you it's cool when you realize, oh, yeah, I can just talk to whoever.

[481] And when people in show business or whatever athletes that you look up to, like, I have fans that are musicians that I like and you know, like now it's like, wait, they watch that?

[482] They watch, yeah, of course they watch that TV show.

[483] They listen to that.

[484] podcast they consume entertainment just because they're a human being well that's also the cool thing about podcasts is that podcasts these long form inner long form conversations with no interruptions they they give you insight to a person they you're like like there's a lot of people listening to this right now that feel like they're sitting in here talking to us yeah just hanging out because that's what we're doing we're just we're just hanging out yeah it's not that it's not that radio thing where it's like all right you have a four you have a four minute break and so you You got to say, so you're like peppering.

[485] You're pretty much doing your act because you're just trying to get as many jokes in as possible so people come see you in wherever comedy club you're playing.

[486] It's like, no, this is an actual conversation where you actually can dive into how people tick and what people's thoughts are.

[487] It's fantastic.

[488] It's also those four -minute breaks.

[489] They fuck with the flow.

[490] That's why I don't break up my podcast ever with commercials.

[491] I just do them in the beginning and the end.

[492] I don't.

[493] And I get all these, like, really juicy offers to do them in the middle.

[494] Like, it just fucks with the flow, man. You can't just stop a conversation.

[495] Like, I'll do Adam Crowell's podcast.

[496] I love the dude.

[497] But he'll be like, well, that's funny you say that, Brad.

[498] Because real grates, man grates, you know, man greas.

[499] He'll just start talking.

[500] You're like, oh, are you doing an ad?

[501] Oh, he's reading now.

[502] Yeah.

[503] All right.

[504] I guess we're not talking.

[505] Yeah.

[506] And then you have to sort of build up this conversation.

[507] I think it's also one of the reasons why I like doing these really long -form conversations because I was found when I'm talking to people when we're alone.

[508] I'm having a really cool conversation with someone It takes a while to sort of get cooking And then when it gets cooking Everybody sort of relaxes and settles in Then you really kind of understand who that person is Right, yeah You know Now Red Band told me something when he was on the podcast When he was on my podcast Called About Last Night, what's up?

[509] Plug that I wanted to ask you about Because he said there was like a meeting at some point Or you brought something up During the whole feud war thing Call whatever you will where you said let's let's steal Mincia's Midget No He's so retarded That's so not true That was a that was a fucking sketch From the Man show Oh really?

[510] Yes it was a sketch He's so confused His memory sucks so bad I was hoping there was a meeting It was like No we definitely didn't have We might have joked around about it Because it was during the same Sort of time period But we did a sketch Stanhope did on The Man Show where he went out Oh look at the devil It just came in a perfect time We're just dissecting one of your bullshit stories Oh no what There was a sketch for the Man Show Where Doug Stanhope was trying to steal The Man Show midget From those guys From you know the guys Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel Right right right And it was a brilliant brilliant fucking bit Yeah it was art Yeah, Doug did some great shit on that, and that was one of them.

[511] Okay.

[512] And so, I mean, maybe we said, you know, we should do that to Mncia's buddy Brad, but we definitely didn't have a fucking meeting and plan out stealing one.

[513] We didn't have a meeting.

[514] I didn't say it was a meeting.

[515] I just said it was...

[516] You said there was a conversation where we were like, let's steal Mncia's Mn's Monsia's man. Dude, we get high, we talk about would you blow a unicorn if you knew you could live forever.

[517] We've had some pretty ridiculous conversation.

[518] First of all, the answer is yes, but...

[519] Yeah, if you're going to be able to...

[520] But I don't know, man. You might not want to live forever.

[521] As I get older, I'm like, who, you know, if you weren't alive, you would never expect life, right?

[522] Right.

[523] Okay, because you wouldn't have any expectations.

[524] You wouldn't be alive.

[525] Now that you are alive, you wouldn't expect what happens after life.

[526] We're just guessing that it's nothing, you know?

[527] And I'm not saying that it's a bunch of dudes in the clouds with a harp.

[528] Sure.

[529] But it's very possible that whatever the fuck consciousness is, is not native only to this space.

[530] Right.

[531] It's not restricted only to this existence.

[532] It's very possible that whatever you have, whatever's going on when you dream, whatever's going on when you take mushrooms, whatever's going on when you die, they might be very similar things.

[533] Your consciousness might be some sort of energy that moves on to some new plane of existence that might be way cooler than this monkey body that we're all trapped inside.

[534] Hell, if the theory holds true that there's an infinite number of universes, who knows that you just don't hop to another universe and say, all right, there's your shot again, go again.

[535] Who knows?

[536] Who knows?

[537] That's not what happens every time you wake up.

[538] It's very possible that every time you wake up, you are in a different existence.

[539] Oh, you blow my mind already, Joe Rogan.

[540] I had a crazy dream about that last night.

[541] I had a crazy dream last night that was I had DMT trip in my dream, which I've never had before.

[542] Now, I've had...

[543] DMT, I'm new to all this, but DMT trip during your dream.

[544] That's sort of meta, isn't it?

[545] Because isn't DMT kind of what makes you dream?

[546] supposedly that's a lot all theory okay but it's not when you never dream a DMT trip like DMT trips are way more intense than a dream because you're getting you're flooding your brain with this chemical that's native to your brain but the idea being that when you're sleeping there's times when you're in heavy REM sleep or you're not conscious where you do visit these same realms but I've never remembered it before not like like last night like last night I was in there man it was really really really intense and very strange but it was essentially it was this this dream was in some way telling me that this that that what we're doing here right now that don't get all crazy about this don't get crazy about this life don't get too fixated on it because it's really just one piece of some sort of infinite mandala of existence and just like that was the the entire DMT trip in my dream was it was relax relax it was like somehow another coaxing or coaching rather me to to relax and to understand that like all the stress and all the the weird shit that people have in their brain like the more you can like settle that in the more you can ah the more you can exist in in like a real peaceful state where where this is like your real self you're just constantly being inundated with all these different ideas and stresses and different things that you're trying to accomplish and different things that you're concentrating on worrying about concerned about that you know that you anticipate in the future but I thought all these things are bullshit and that was that was the dream last night was very very strange huh wow did you were you on the new mood was it the 5HTP in no no I didn't take anything I just went to sleep I mean I took some alpha brain during the day I don't know if that had anything to do with it I've been taking that ZMA again I just got a new bottle of it And that shit really does fuck with your dreams a lot because ever since I got that bottle every night I haven't had dreams until I got that for a while.

[547] You know, zinc ups your testosterone.

[548] It ups your sperm production probably has a lot to do with.

[549] And then it probably helps you sleep too.

[550] I think it relaxes you.

[551] It helps you sleep.

[552] See, this is the stuff I know nothing about.

[553] So I'm fascinated by all this stuff.

[554] Like just how and you're, because you've done so many things in terms of other levels of consciousness and things of that.

[555] nature.

[556] I've never even done mushrooms.

[557] So I'm like, you should go to Shroom Fest.

[558] You should do Shroom Fest.

[559] Larry Shafir in the desert.

[560] They do it every year.

[561] He's been trying to get me to go.

[562] Why don't you go?

[563] I would love to go.

[564] Like, I've had...

[565] Why didn't you go?

[566] How many haven't gone so far?

[567] I've had such bad experiences.

[568] What drugs?

[569] Uh, just weed.

[570] Just weed.

[571] Just weed.

[572] I've had bad experiences.

[573] Like what kind?

[574] Like, panic attacks and anxiety attacks?

[575] Uh, that's the good stuff then.

[576] You're getting good shit.

[577] Oh, God.

[578] That's this podcast.

[579] Pretty much every couple weeks, all of us going to a panic attack.

[580] Oh, fantastic.

[581] There was one time, it was my birthday in Vegas, and I was severely dehydrated, and on top of that, it took way too much of a pot cookie, and passed out at the Rio, like, next to a slot machine, like, just collapsed.

[582] Like, it was like a marionetteer just dropped the puppet strings.

[583] That sounds awesome.

[584] The weirdest thing is that, like, first of all, it's Vegas, so people walk by, They see a midget passed out in the real.

[585] They're like, oh, that's a new exhibit.

[586] Oh, that's funny.

[587] Now, are you getting anything out of it?

[588] Like, did you, like, when you had that experience and you, you know, you have this panic attack.

[589] After it's over, do you experience anything positive?

[590] I wouldn't say, like, the only positivity I had was because I went to the hospital and they pumped me soul full of fluids that I felt so good afterward.

[591] I was so hydrated that that felt amazing.

[592] So they gave you an IV in the hospital?

[593] Yeah, it's gave me an IV.

[594] Why are you so dehydrated?

[595] I'd gotten massage earlier in the day, and I didn't like take, and it was like the deep tissue stuff.

[596] And like that, like, really sort of, like, you need to drink water after that.

[597] You need to.

[598] Wait a minute.

[599] And I didn't.

[600] That's definitely not going to get you that dehydrate, somebody rubbing on your skin.

[601] What are they doing, ringing you out like a dishcloth?

[602] Yeah, exactly.

[603] Well, hey, Joe, I'm very tiny.

[604] He only holds a bottle of water.

[605] That doesn't make any sense, man. Uh, I mean, I mean, to be honest with you, I don't know, but when they tell you after a massage to drink a bottle of water, most of that's bullshit.

[606] Really?

[607] Yeah.

[608] What they're trying to tell you is that you get your toxins, toxins out of your system.

[609] I know that the water and you get toxins.

[610] Toxin thing is crap.

[611] Your body's fucking processing toxins with your liver, right?

[612] You know what happens when you get your muscles rubbed?

[613] It breaks up your tissue a little bit.

[614] It's massaging soft tissue and it loosens things up.

[615] and it makes you feel better.

[616] You should drink water anyway.

[617] Sure.

[618] You know, water's good for you.

[619] But I really don't believe that, you know, when you get a massage, it's releasing toxins.

[620] I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't see how it could.

[621] I've never heard of rubbing your body.

[622] I've never heard a doctor say that.

[623] There's toxins that are released when you have very strenuous exercise.

[624] Sure.

[625] Like, that's why those CrossFit are people, they get that rabdomylosis.

[626] I think that's how you say it.

[627] Rabdo is, it's when you're, your kidney.

[628] start failing because your kidneys can't process yeah your your muscles are breaking down and the in your kidneys can't process all the the toxins and all the fluid it's yeah it's very dangerous and it's it was really rare up until this CrossFit uh sort of craze but now when people go to the hospital and they they find that they're having kidney failure and they have this Robdo myelosis or how the fuck you say it and they they always ask them are you doing CrossFit because CrossFit, they're trying to get people to do like, you know, 50 fucking clean and presses in a row.

[629] Yeah.

[630] And, you know, they'll have competitions with each other.

[631] You're pushing your body way past, like, a workout limit.

[632] You're pushing your pot to the point of, like, real failure.

[633] Yeah.

[634] You talk to a guy who's done CrossFit for 10 years.

[635] It doesn't have, like, some significant fucking injuries, like significant back injuries, significant muscle tears or something along those lines.

[636] I'm really glad you're saying this, Joe, because now I could have a legitimate.

[637] reason to not do CrossFit, and not just that I'm a lazy fuck.

[638] Well, my good friend is Steve Maxwell, who's this really world -renowned strength and conditioning coach, and he's worked with a lot of high -level MMA fighters.

[639] He was one of the first Americans to get his black belt and jujitsu, and he's just this great guy and knows so much about martial arts and knows so much about strength and conditioning and health, and he fucking hates it.

[640] He thinks that what CrossFit is, he says, you're doing a competition to lift weights he's like unless you're doing like a power like when you watch power lifting they did do that once it's like a one lift thing yeah like when you're doing a bunch of them in a row like what his take on it is that weight lifting should be to strengthen your body for sports strengthen your body for competition right and when you do a competition of weight lifting he's like it's kind of ridiculous it kind of defeats the purpose of strength and condition in the first place like doing strength and conditioning as a sport he sees he's like it's kind of silly it's like it's supposed to help sports it's not supposed to be the sport be this oh okay yeah that makes sense the peen there's other people that have a similar criticism and their take on it is that when you see these big compound movements like like Olympic cleans and presses like these are full body movements those are supposed to be done with low repetition because once you well a few times maybe you know maybe a couple but you're not supposed to engage those muscles like that like over and over and over again to the point of failure because you're taking some big fucking risks right you're putting really heavy weight over your head you're you know you're throwing your back into this sure cleaning it and yeah you've seen all the YouTube videos of people like dropping the weight on their necks or like some people lose their bowels while they're doing the weight lifting You can only be so lucky.

[641] I've seen those videos.

[642] So, yeah, like, I mean, and shocker, I'm not a doctor, but that just doesn't seem right.

[643] It doesn't seem like your body should be doing that.

[644] And then the other side effect of CrossFit is that when you meet someone, the first sentence out of your mouth is, I do CrossFit.

[645] Yeah, well, that's usually people just starting to do it.

[646] You know, it's like anything else.

[647] People would just start to do Jiu -Jitsu.

[648] People would just become a vegan.

[649] You know people just got into yoga They all do the same shit It's like people get into something They can't shut the fuck up about it I've been guilty of that too Oh sure Vegan crossfitter That has to be the worst A vegan cross fitter Wow Yeah That'd be interesting It's just one of those things Where a lot of people Are doing it And there are benefits to it There's benefits to any kind of exercise You're raising your heart rate up You're getting your body to work Your body's going to break down and recover It's going to get stronger Because of that process There's a lot of benefits to it It's just I'm very skeptical when I know so many people that do it and they're all fucked up.

[650] Like Eddie Ift is all fucked up.

[651] His back's a wreck.

[652] And he used to totally be, oh, I love CrossFit.

[653] I love CrossFit.

[654] Now he's like, fuck CrossFit.

[655] He's out of it.

[656] He's out of it now?

[657] He's out of doing CrossFit.

[658] He has this CrossFit podcast.

[659] Oh, man. It has to be the most amazing podcast in the world.

[660] Well, for Crossfitters it is because it's just an hour and a half of talking about CrossFit.

[661] Yeah, they're probably jerking off.

[662] That, like, yeah.

[663] What's your work out of the day?

[664] Well, today I do box jumps.

[665] Lifting up a trash can with kale in it.

[666] You know, there's probably good to it.

[667] There's some good to it.

[668] It's like everything else.

[669] You've got to know like...

[670] Everything in moderation, right?

[671] Yeah, I mean, you can run an ultramarathon if you're fucking crazy, but you can only do them like once every few months.

[672] Yeah, yeah.

[673] If at all.

[674] I have a friend and his...

[675] A friend of his ran an ultramarathon, and she had kidney failure that was so bad.

[676] You could take your finger and push it into her.

[677] arm and it would stay like the dent would stay and then it would like slowly come back up like she was made out a remember stretch armstrong yeah she was like like human memory form dehydration right from your kidney because that's well it's inflammation she probably she's she's a damn good massage her kidneys were failing so her body was swollen like everything was all fucked up with fluids it's just like it's not good no my friend is going through a kidney failure right now she had she just got lupus and uh she's getting all these infusions and stuff like that Is kidney something that you have two of them, right?

[678] So you can get rid of one and live an okay life with the other one?

[679] It's fairly okay, yeah, but it's going to be compromised.

[680] Yeah, and they'll probably be a moment where you might wish you had, too.

[681] Right.

[682] I think you have to be really careful about, like, dehydration and drinking.

[683] Drinking, yeah.

[684] You know, drinking and dehydration with hand in hand.

[685] Our mutual friend Bean from the Kevin and Bean show has one kidney.

[686] Does he?

[687] What happened to him?

[688] He donated his kidney to a friend of his.

[689] Oh, that's awesome.

[690] He's a sweetie.

[691] He is.

[692] I love that, dude.

[693] He's a big Seattle proponent, too.

[694] Talk to that guy.

[695] I love you moving up to Seattle.

[696] He almost got me that fuck.

[697] Dude, I've got two friends that are like that.

[698] I have Bean, and then I have my podcast partner, Adam Ray, who's like, who he's from Seattle.

[699] I fucking love Seattle.

[700] I just don't love cloudy weather.

[701] That's all.

[702] That's all I don't love about Seattle.

[703] I love the restaurants.

[704] I love the people.

[705] I think it's a smart town.

[706] It's less materialistic.

[707] It's less like focused on just plain looks and attention and all the bullshit that comes with this town.

[708] Yeah, that you characterize for Hollywood.

[709] I mean, we're kind of out of that loop because we're comics and, you know, we hang around at the store.

[710] And it's just like we're barely in that loop, you know.

[711] But God damn, every now and then I dip my toe into it.

[712] Like I'll go to a restaurant and I'll see paparazzi in front and people that are like, just just all that horse shit.

[713] It's just so stupid.

[714] Yeah.

[715] Mind numbing.

[716] The most annoying part about the whole L .A. scene for me is talking to someone, and while I'm trying to make eye contact, they're looking around for the next person to talk to.

[717] Oh, there's certain places.

[718] If you go to certain places, that's all anyone is doing is looking for famous people to walk in.

[719] Yeah.

[720] And then, like, they're going to go talk, like, okay, like, okay, I'm talking to you now because you've got, you know, you've done a few things in your life, but the next person that walks in.

[721] I'm going to swarm.

[722] I guess I kind of get it because it's sort of like bird watching.

[723] Like, ooh, there's a blue jay.

[724] you know i mean who doesn't fuck if a blue jay shows up i mean they're kind of pretty but if jennifer lopez walks in like yeah her ass is great how old is she 45 fucks dude so they're like oh there's the rare there's the rare brad williams uh twirf small funny but oh oh look over there jo rogan larger larger of the species oh this is weird so uh brown used to be friends with carlos i wonder if you're still friends and they'll still have this fucking they'll have these debates and wonder no man you know what i heard man i heard they had a falling out.

[725] There's certain people that are experts on, like, celebrity relationships and friendships.

[726] Those people are fucking disgusting.

[727] Those people, well, she broke up with him because she found out that he was text messaging and his ex.

[728] How the fuck do you know?

[729] You don't know.

[730] You don't even know about your own life.

[731] Right.

[732] You can't even fucking clean your car.

[733] Yeah, Jamie.

[734] Whoa.

[735] Shot's fire.

[736] I wasn't talking about you, James.

[737] I didn't mean you, Jamie.

[738] But yeah, yeah.

[739] That's funny.

[740] What, right after him, Jamie just went pale.

[741] I asked you about it all morning.

[742] Hey, he's a fucking, he's an enthusiast.

[743] That's how I look at it.

[744] Like, sometimes I'm mad.

[745] I'm mad that, like, the tweets that I throw out there, they get, like, the most retweets and favorites are, like, Kim Kardashian jokes.

[746] That's going to happen.

[747] I hate the fact that that's how it is.

[748] Like, sometimes I write like a tweet where I'm like, oh, this is a good one.

[749] This is a good joke.

[750] This is a fun one.

[751] Do you guys see that the fucking director of X -Men, he quit?

[752] He quit Twitter because of all the mean tweets that he got And it's all from social justice warrior types All these people that are angry, they're calling him a sexist and an abelist And transphobic like all this crazy shit This guy is no this guy calls himself a feminist I mean he's like a really sweet progressive guy And he got attacked for the way he portrayed Scarlett Johansson's character in the movie It's so fucking crazy Crazy, dude.

[753] Yeah, well, it was that whole thing where, what was it?

[754] The Chris Evans and they got attacked because they called a fictional character.

[755] A slut.

[756] Yeah, they called Scarlet -Jansson's character a slut.

[757] And they're like, that's slut shaming.

[758] Who?

[759] Slot -shaming someone that's not even real.

[760] Like, so if I call the Easter Bunny a cock sucker, are you going to come after me and be like, well, that's just gay bashing?

[761] Oh, God.

[762] No, it doesn't exist.

[763] Well, there was somebody got this one guy who's like a famous social justice warrior.

[764] He's such a twat.

[765] Yeah.

[766] And he was typing in all this shit and putting all these tweets about X -Men, Ultra about it being violent, all these different things like, do you know what the fuck you went to see?

[767] It's X -Men.

[768] You went to see a goddamn comic book movie, you dork.

[769] You didn't go see, you didn't go see Anthony Hopkins in Remains of the Day.

[770] like you're seeing a fucking X -Men movie He was comparing it to It was really hilarious actually He was comparing it to war And like the attitudes that we have On the military invasion of other countries The use of aggression The fuck are you talking about man Isn't that a guy you block on Twitter He takes this guy serious He blocked me He blocked me I won't mention his name He's like Candyman I won't mention his name He's such a dork He showed you Joe But he blacked me without me even mentioning his name I don't mention any of these guys' names anymore Because I feel like a lot of these guys This is why I know That they're attention hoarse Because all of their posts are complaining That's all they're doing is complaining You're not creating You're not creating, you're not contributing You are just fucking bitching all the time What a miserable cunt you have to be We live in an amazing time You can get video on your phone You go outside, you hear birds chirp You meet people, you hug them And all you're doing is complaining about a fucking cartoon movie of cartoonish comic book movie as if somehow this is the degradation of the moral fiber of our culture and the degrading of women dehumanizing of...

[771] What was their message behind the Hulk smashing a Mercedes?

[772] Is that that we need to not buy foreign cars?

[773] No, it's because it look fucking cool.

[774] Cunts.

[775] That's it.

[776] Cunts.

[777] It's the world's filled with cunts.

[778] Someone gave me the best advice I ever got for being in show business is Brad, just remember nobody cares about you.

[779] That's not true.

[780] That advice sucks.

[781] I love that advice.

[782] Shitting on you.

[783] I love that advice.

[784] No, and not fucking with you.

[785] Your parents tell you that.

[786] Every day in my life.

[787] No, like, I love that advice not for the fact that nobody cares in terms of no one like loves you or anything like that, but a lot of these people get in their own heads and it's very It's very narcissistic where it's like oh this person tweeted this so this offends me or how does this affect me or this person didn't book me on this show so he is mad at me It's like, or there's 22 million comics in L .A. And he didn't book down the show that week.

[788] Come down.

[789] Okay, you're talking about a totally different thing.

[790] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[791] Yeah, you're just talking about people who are just egomaniacs.

[792] Right.

[793] Completely obsessed with themselves.

[794] Don't be that.

[795] Yeah, good advice.

[796] Gene, can you make some tea, man?

[797] I got some fucking crazy phlegm going on here.

[798] Yeah.

[799] Like, I've got a comic friend of mine, and she told me, she's like, I don't know.

[800] I'm really stressing over the fact that some people said something about my Twitter avatar picture.

[801] And I think it's holding me back in this.

[802] business I'm like holding me back in the show up no okay you're just talking to idiot it's not it's not no one's gonna hire you and then looks at your Twitter avatar photo and says I can't hire that person there are people that do believe that though those people that believe you know you have to have the perfect headshot you have to have this and that I don't even have a fucking headshot I need to get one want to get them together no I mean I kind of have a photo that I use for Twitter that's my profile picture on Twitter that's probably it kind of a headshot but like when people say oh we need a headshot for a club these headshots that are fucking 15 years old yeah I gotta get new ones yeah you uh anything with hair is old yeah the san francisco ones yeah i've been the clubs you're like and then jo rogan's gonna come here and then they got you with hair i'm like um with a leather jacket on from the 80s yeah it's just it's like your news radio promo pick you're like really dude you couldn't find anything else well there's just so many fucking you know there's there's so many people out there that have ideas of like what you need to do as a comic or an actor like what you need to do and it's because they're they're trying to figure out themselves a part of it they're trying to like justify their own choices with you you know or you know i just feel like this is holding you back or i feel like this is holding me back and they're trying to figure it out so they're talking they're just just so hopefully they come up with the answer yeah yeah they're exercising their own anxiety man's just fucking nutty bitches the world's filled with nutty bitches brad that's really what's going I would wholeheartedly agree Joe Rogan.

[803] This poor fucking Josh Whedon or Joss Whedon.

[804] Yeah.

[805] How do you say Whedon?

[806] W -H -E -D -O -N?

[807] How do you say that?

[808] Who is this person?

[809] This is the guy that directed the X -Men.

[810] I read some of the tweets and holy fuck did they go after this guy.

[811] Yeah, but if that happens to me all the time and you just block it, you don't quit Twitter.

[812] Why would you quit Twitter?

[813] Why wouldn't you just block that shit?

[814] Because he's tired of assholes.

[815] Yeah.

[816] I think when it becomes part of your day to go through your Twitter and like, okay, block, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[817] Like when that becomes, when it's adding stress that you don't have to have, and Josh doesn't need Twitter, he directs movies, he makes a ton of money, good for you.

[818] Well, I think that sometimes it's great.

[819] I love Twitter.

[820] I love communicating with people online.

[821] It's just you take a risk that you're going to run into cunts.

[822] And if you only run into, my opinion on the amount of people that suck is it's a very small amount.

[823] But if they're a vocally active, very small amount, if you look at some of these people, like we were talking about the social justice warrior guys, that guy had fucking 15 tweets about X -Men.

[824] And I'm not bullshitting.

[825] 15 tweets about how horrible it was, sexist, and abelist and all this different stupid fucking shit.

[826] If you are one person and you have all these comments on the horrible nature of this one particular thing, it's like this guy runs into that and he's fucking tired of.

[827] He doesn't want to deal.

[828] And there's, I mean, it's strange because all these social media platforms, like you say, they're unbelievable in terms of the fact that you can communicate with anyone.

[829] You could get, because before, you didn't know how to get an access to someone that you were a fan of or that you watched on TV.

[830] You wouldn't know how to do it.

[831] Like, you got to go through a publicist.

[832] You got to write a fan club.

[833] And then, like, you didn't know what to do.

[834] Now you can instantly say something to anyone and they had a good possibility of seeing it.

[835] That part is unbelievable.

[836] But then you have so much else that comes with it where now because people have that voice, now they feel like people need to hear their voice constantly in whatever topic that might be.

[837] Rather be, I got offended at this personal thing.

[838] Everyone needs to know I was offended by that.

[839] Everyone needs to stop and acknowledge.

[840] They're trying to get social points.

[841] So when they're complaining about something or calling something sexist or calling something homophobic or whatever they're doing, Sure.

[842] Sometimes they're complaining, but oftentimes what they're doing is they're trying to show you that they know that something's bad, which makes them of a high moral fiber.

[843] Yes.

[844] They're trying to show you that they're a very moral person with really strong, intelligent opinions, and that these assholes, these Neanderthals that are ruining the world, you know, they're below them.

[845] Yeah, I get that because I say the word midget a lot, and that is apparently a horrible word.

[846] Dude, you got a fucking green light to say midget.

[847] Like, I got a green light to say guinea, okay?

[848] If anybody gets mad at me for calling Italians guineas, you know my last name is Rogan.

[849] I am mostly Italian, so fuck you.

[850] And if you don't think they're guineas, you need to meet my fucking relatives.

[851] I'll show you some pictures of some grown men with gold chains, okay?

[852] Like, yeah, but I get attacked all the time for saying the word midget in my act, and it's just like, and people say, like, don't, aren't you concerned about the message that you're sending, that this word is okay?

[853] And I was like, I don't, why is it bad?

[854] I'm still trying to figure out why people don't like that word.

[855] Well, I don't know.

[856] I think it's a language police issue.

[857] There's people that tried to get rid of bossy, remember that?

[858] Oh.

[859] Tried to get rid of bossy a couple years ago.

[860] Yeah.

[861] It gave it a hard push too.

[862] And everybody went, fuck you.

[863] No, that's enough.

[864] Yeah.

[865] I think we need to do that on a lot of people complaining about certain words that we can't say.

[866] But that shows you.

[867] Like, why would anybody want to get rid of bossy?

[868] Is bossy really so strong?

[869] You know, what, and it was the idea was it was sexist or something?

[870] They were saying that you, they used the word bossy to describe women, the women that are powerful or women that are strong and in charge, that they're bossy and that you're demeaning them and trying to marginalize them in some sort of way.

[871] And, you know, women are like, get the fuck out of here.

[872] Yeah.

[873] She's banned bossy.

[874] When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a leader.

[875] Yet when a girl does it, she's risked being branded bossy.

[876] Words like bossy send a message, don't raise your hand or say.

[877] speak up by middle school girls are less interested in leading than boys listen man there's there's a lot of that that's social there's a lot of that that's learned behavior and there's a lot of that that's biological and that's a fact and that's why it exists in almost every culture there's very few matriarchal cultures very few cultures that are run by women and that doesn't mean that women are less than men that just means that you got to stop trying to make everybody even because we're not even when it comes to child rearing, we're not even when it comes to breastfeeding, we're not even when it comes to nurturing, we're not even when it comes to emotional intelligence.

[878] Women are superior to men in a lot of ways.

[879] Absolutely.

[880] And, you know, if you try to make everybody the same, you're going to have a fucking bullshit world that doesn't exist.

[881] Right.

[882] If you say, like, I think there was a story recently about a woman firefighter that got hired just because, like, they needed a woman firefighter.

[883] and it's like that you're going down a slope where it's like if I'm stuck in a burning building like hey if she can if she can run up there granted I don't weigh a lot but so if she can come up there and throw me over her shoulder and get me out of there just as fast fantastic awesome I want her there then yeah if you're just trying to fill a quota if you're like well like uh HBO sports just did something where it was like there's not there's not enough blacks and Baseball.

[884] Like there's not enough black people in baseball.

[885] We need to get more black people in baseball.

[886] It's like, well, if the Dominicans can throw faster and hit harder, that's who I want in baseball.

[887] Fine.

[888] You know what, man. Why are you forcing it?

[889] I don't think, well, I think there's certain issues with sports where there is some sort of segregation, where there is some sort of discrimination.

[890] And I don't know that that's one of them.

[891] I don't know if they're trying to keep black people out of us.

[892] I bet Polo.

[893] I mean, how many fucking black people?

[894] playing polo you might want to look in a polo you know yeah well cricket is a lot of a lot of people of color because a lot of indians yeah people in india love cricket man they're like some of the best cricket players in the world that was that stupid movie where they recruited uh cricket players to come over to america to pitch yeah remember that stupid movie yeah john ham it was like a love because the name there's a guy and a girl and like he you know he he he was struggling trying to get it together and the fucking girl and him fall in love and the indian guys helped him You know what?

[895] I'm going to start my own campaign.

[896] There's not enough dwarves in baseball.

[897] There's not, there's not, there's not enough.

[898] How about any sport?

[899] Yeah, we're not, we're not represented.

[900] There's none in, there's none in the NBA.

[901] Yeah.

[902] What, what, what the fuck, Joe?

[903] What the fuck indeed?

[904] What the fuck indeed?

[905] What's wrong with my people?

[906] Well, and then if you say, like, when transgender people get into women's sports, if you don't support that, then you're a piece of shit.

[907] Like, okay.

[908] You got, yeah, you got a lot of flack for that, didn't you?

[909] Well, just the fighter thing.

[910] Right.

[911] the one about the woman.

[912] I'm pretty much cool with it in almost every other way.

[913] We did talk about that woman who used to be a man who was six foot six and 50 years old is playing college basketball, which I think is ridiculous.

[914] First of all, because she essentially has given a redo for her whole life.

[915] Like, she already used up her college credits.

[916] Like, you know, you can only play college sports for so long.

[917] But the dig is, or the loophole is, you can only play college sports as a man. Now, when you change your name and become a woman, now all of a sudden you get a whole new college sports career.

[918] What?

[919] Yes.

[920] So this man lived as a man, played sports as a man, lived to be 50, got a sex change, which I'm fully in support of.

[921] This is what I want to say.

[922] Right.

[923] This is super important.

[924] I'm not in any way saying that someone shouldn't be able to do that.

[925] But what I am saying is when it comes to athletic competition, you got a 50 -year -old man playing fucking college basketball against 18 -year -old girls.

[926] If that's your daughter, okay?

[927] And your daughter, she can't perform to the best of her abilities because it's unfair.

[928] Because you have this giant fucking man, you know, who's now a woman, who's 50, who's been, had full testosterone for 47 fucking years or whatever the hell it is before she became a man or became a woman.

[929] Like, that's crazy.

[930] Like, that's where sensitivity and progressiveness goes too far.

[931] But at least then, no one's getting hurt.

[932] Right.

[933] Where's the fight game?

[934] Yeah.

[935] That's what I had a huge fucking problem with, and still do, and most people do, too.

[936] And by the way, a lot of fucking transgender people have an issue with that.

[937] The people who don't have an issue with that or have an issue with me are the super progressive, ultra -liberal social justice warrior types.

[938] That they don't have a dog in the fight.

[939] They just not even that, man. They want the opportunity to call someone a bigger.

[940] They can't wait.

[941] They just can't wait to get upset.

[942] They're just looking for the opportunity to call someone a people.

[943] piece of shit.

[944] I was like I was because there's actually a surgery that you can have to lengthen your limbs and yeah I've seen that on a thing in China it's rough fuck dude it's freaky like it's forever yeah it takes forever and you're in pain it's literally they put braces on your arms and legs every day you turn a little crank and that crank separates your bones by a millimeter cut your bones first of all yeah cut your bones and then they put this crazy He braced with these screws on it.

[945] They did this guy in China who couldn't get a girlfriend.

[946] And, you know, it changed his height from, like, 4 foot 11 to, like, 5 '3.

[947] But it took years.

[948] It took years.

[949] And the guy was in agony.

[950] Every day, you're breaking your arm and leg.

[951] And then the bone grows and regrows overnight.

[952] And, like, we were talking about the Bill Burbitt earlier, where it's, like, hey, just wait until they get good at it.

[953] Fucking wait until they get good at the limb lengthening surgery, guys.

[954] holy shit because I've seen the people there's no other alternatives though I don't like that I would never I would never get that I do not need to ride a roller coaster that bad but let me ask you this if they could do it like say if they could do it and it was a one time thing it took a year like yeah I had ACL reconstruction that took like six months and someone said oh man I wouldn't even get the surgery I'm like but I go through the six months and then my knee works again like if someone could do that if they could give you a surgery and you would be in pain for like a year but after that year you would be you know five six whatever whatever that's a really interesting question first of all i would have to write a whole new act would you though well i mean you could write an act about how you used to be a dwarf yeah exactly you're crazy operation right and for a year you're popping pain pills like tic tacks i mean if that surgery existed and it was i could take the pill and or whatever and then just be five foot six the next day and not, because now the guys that have that limb lengthening surgery, they look like you've had limb lengthening surgery.

[955] Oh, really?

[956] They're weird?

[957] Yeah, you have like...

[958] I see a photo.

[959] Yeah, your mechanics are all wrong.

[960] Right.

[961] Your shins are longer than your upper thigh.

[962] Yeah.

[963] You know, like...

[964] So it just looks, like, you look at someone like that, and you're just like, that's...

[965] He's off or she's off in some way.

[966] Well, there's a natural, like, when you look at a person's body, there's a natural distance that most...

[967] I mean, you have people that have some extra long arms or...

[968] extra wide shoulders or extra long legs but generally speaking it looks fairly normal but then some folks they get this surgery and you're what they're doing is they're taking your shin bone and they're stretching that bitch out so your shin is like you know an extra couple inches longer yeah it's not funny now do they do anything with like the snail dick and the spikes and stuff like that you guys have wait snail dick and spikes what are you talking about what the fuck oh oh is this like a stereotype about dwarves that that doesn't necessarily exist do you have a normal size dick I was saying that all what the fuck all the dwarfs have snail dicks with spikes on it spikes so what so my cock is like a medieval weapon why would you say that like it's normal why does that make sense to you oh yeah yeah snail dick with spikes you're not even qualifying it's so late easy.

[969] But to answer your question, yeah, I would probably do that.

[970] I'd probably, because there's health things that I'm going to go through, that I'm already going through, that your average -sized people don't have to go through.

[971] Like what kind of things you're going to?

[972] Like, I've had a surgery on my legs because my legs were bowed, and so I had to have surgery on them to, like, straighten them up because they were unhealthily bowed.

[973] Like, I looked like I have back problems now.

[974] Like, granted, everyone has back problems, it seems like, but I've, like, because my spine, I've got not scoliosis, but...

[975] What is it called?

[976] Like...

[977] Stenosis?

[978] Yeah, where it's curved on the very bottom.

[979] Oh, no, because stenosis is a short, like a shortening of the nerve canal.

[980] Okay.

[981] It's probably something different.

[982] Yeah, I've got something where my spine curves at the bottom.

[983] There's a lot of little people that have breathing problems.

[984] I'm, thankfully not one of those.

[985] But yeah, there's a lot of dwarfs that have back surgeries like great like neck surgeries because and also these necks are holding up these ginormous heads that we have you know to imagine there's a mechanical difference yeah yeah when you had the surgery for your legs like what do they do uh they it's called i had what's called a dom osteotomy where they just they carve like a dome shape into my bone and then they just move the bone like they just kind of you know and then they just straighten it up and i had to be in a wheelchair for about like eight months.

[986] Fuck.

[987] When did you have that done?

[988] Junior high.

[989] So right when you're trying to get cool, I was in a wheelchair, it was awesome.

[990] Wow, that's fucking crazy, dude.

[991] Yeah, and I've been lucky.

[992] Like, the fact that I've only had essentially one major dwarf -related surgery, that's pretty rare for a 31 -year -old little person.

[993] Like, there's a lot of us that have more surgeries than that.

[994] So in that way, yeah, I would absolutely do the magical surgery that made me not.

[995] exist yeah it doesn't exist james see if you can find that that piece that they did on people in china um that that got that leg like limb lengthening surgery because it was really disturbing this poor guy they wanted to he wanted his face blurred out but he was just talking about how he's hoping that he could get a woman you know that someday a woman would talk to him and dude uh i'm four foot four i get laid it's fine yeah but you're a comic that's the difference man you're funny it does help it's that's that's a lot dude we've all seen some pretty ugly comics that have hot checks absolutely like what the fuck it's just why is everyone looking at me you're not ugly you're just a slob thank god thank god is this it uh yeah so this is it man yeah this is the piece crank this up it's from that geos yeah it might get us if you play it like the volume yeah just play the volume of it so we can listen to it for each other height has become a critical condition for success if you lack the proper tallness You may be denied jobs at...

[996] Tallness is a word?

[997] Fucking sizes.

[998] Worse, you may be left out of the dating games.

[999] Tallness.

[1000] Isn't it height?

[1001] One who wants to have their bone stretch will be in for lengthy trial.

[1002] One that can carry some serious risk.

[1003] Oh, there is.

[1004] Those girls are getting it done.

[1005] And they're not even dwarfs.

[1006] Ooh.

[1007] To avoid excessive risk, Fudan is given a local anesthetic.

[1008] Which means he will be awake for the two hour long procedure.

[1009] Oh, fuck me. No. That's a drill.

[1010] The system of braces is sprued in place.

[1011] They may look medieval, but they are the key to stabilizing the leg No, my goodness.

[1012] Nope.

[1013] Fuck, no. Whoa, he's doing it with a wire saw.

[1014] Oh my God.

[1015] Brian's surrounded by this.

[1016] This is insane.

[1017] They're hammering into this guy's shin.

[1018] Meanwhile, this guy's awake.

[1019] This is definitely something you're going to look back and go, that's medieval, like, yeah, 20 years from now.

[1020] God.

[1021] And you hear what he says here.

[1022] Nothing is more gratifying for patients and doctors than the day the braces come off.

[1023] For Wong -Bee, after a process that has taken one long year, that day has finally come.

[1024] This time, it's the operation in reverse.

[1025] First, the struts are removed.

[1026] out of their legs they're taking them out of their face now the patient can walk away by herself now I feel more natural more normal oh do you and I feel much happier oh god I don't see that how much he inches later four inches later four inches wow taller and more confident for it's all four inches in your chin your shin inches that's it not a foot Here's homeboy Yeah, that's it Now, when they say four inches It's all four inches In your shins Like imagine if your shin Grew that much Right?

[1027] I mean that can't be Like your shin can't Maintain the same amount of strength And like Well it definitely can I mean it's gonna be bone Yeah, yeah it's all bone I don't think that's the issue I think the issue is like The mechanics of your body Are gonna be different Especially if you do any kind of sport It's like you're standing on Dilts right you know just just a little extra there yeah why wouldn't you just get four inches put on your shoe You know instead he wants to be naked and taller yeah yeah yeah but like that's the part that like that whole process We saw a two -minute clip yeah that's a year at least or like between eight to twelve like eight to fourteen months of doing that For four freaking inches well maybe she could do it their upper leg and get eight inches maybe A freaky ass legs oh and then do it on your back stretch you're fucking...

[1028] Yeah.

[1029] Imagine you don't see your friend for like a couple of years and all of a sudden there's six two like, dude, you used to be 5 '5.

[1030] What the fuck happened?

[1031] Surgery mode.

[1032] I've been doing a lot of shit.

[1033] And that's the thing that trips me out too is like these are advertised people that are just like 5, 3 or whatever that are getting the surgery.

[1034] When dwarves do it, we still have the disproportionate body.

[1035] So you can still tell, it's like oh, that, like you don't suddenly become like a normal looking person.

[1036] Like, you look like a dwarf that was stretched out in a fucking taffy machine.

[1037] Like, it's not, like, everything now fits and looks as it should.

[1038] Well, for someone who is a dwarf, they would literally have to stretch out almost all of your body, right?

[1039] It would have to be a thing where you're in just constant agony.

[1040] Yeah, arms west.

[1041] Oh, my God.

[1042] They've done it on this woman.

[1043] Yeah.

[1044] Okay.

[1045] And she's got a chondriplasia on the left.

[1046] But then, And like look at how the thighs on the right, like when she's had the limb lengthening, your ass and thighs are still those dwarf ass and thighs, which are fucking huge.

[1047] They're massive.

[1048] So that just, it looks like she has a weird thyroid problem now.

[1049] Well, it's also, she's only, yeah, she's only lengthened her shins, right?

[1050] Is that what happened there?

[1051] I think she did she get her, it looks like her upper legs are longer as well.

[1052] Mm -hmm.

[1053] Lim -lengthening surgery creates controversy.

[1054] Yeah.

[1055] Gee, X -Men creates fucking controversy.

[1056] Yeah, you think, fucking Lindley.

[1057] Okay, here it goes.

[1058] Three foot 10 inches tall.

[1059] Is it a cruise associated with any challenges, blah, blah, blah.

[1060] I was having hip problems, knee problems, back problems because of how bowed my legs were.

[1061] That's true.

[1062] That's what you had to deal with.

[1063] This is accomplished with a series of three controversial bone lengthening procedures using technology developed in Southern California with such procedures, patients, bones.

[1064] In the arms and legs are surgically broken and increasingly separated over a period of months.

[1065] The body generates new bone to fill the gap, thus making.

[1066] the bones longer.

[1067] Wow.

[1068] Does it say what her 13 inches taller?

[1069] Wow.

[1070] Oh my God.

[1071] It's pretty $100 ,000.

[1072] Four years.

[1073] Whoa.

[1074] Four years to do it.

[1075] Wow, she became 13 inches tall.

[1076] That's incredible.

[1077] For me, that would go from 4 foot 4 to 5 '5.

[1078] Dude, you'd be like almost my height.

[1079] Yeah.

[1080] It'd be 3 inches shorter than me. That's crazy.

[1081] Do it.

[1082] You do it.

[1083] Actually, I think if I was a small person, I would just stay small.

[1084] I think it's great.

[1085] I don't have any problem with that.

[1086] If your dick's the same size and everything, I would embrace being a small person.

[1087] I mean, I, like, I understand the things that drive these people to do it because, and, like, for me, no matter what I do in this business, if I become a famous actor doing movies or whatever, stand -up specials, whatever, I'm still going to walk down the street and kids are still going to see me and go mommy what's that mommy what's wrong with him what like what's up and so that never that never stops if you're a dwarf ever and so i i kind of get what drives people to do it they're just so depressed and so like because they think that's going to stop and now their lives are just going to be perfect but well you're always going to have that i mean there's people that are beautiful that fuck with their face i mean we don't have to name names but we know like beautiful women that have gotten their lips shot up with things and fuck their faces up and people are crazy man and if you start fixating on anything you start fixating like my shoulders should be like this right I wish my shoulders were like this they need to go upper you know like people aren't there was a video that I was watching the other day about this guy in Brazil that almost had to have his arms removed has been circulating because he does this thing called sinthal do you know what sinthal is it's um bodybuilders use it to pretend that they have bigger muscles than they are.

[1088] So what they do is they inject their body with this oil.

[1089] And this oil makes their muscles bulge out in this really weird, unnatural way.

[1090] It looks like they got like, like an infection.

[1091] It swells.

[1092] Right.

[1093] It looks like a bit by a spider or something.

[1094] Oh, fuck.

[1095] Steve -o.

[1096] He has two turtles in his shoulders.

[1097] Yeah.

[1098] And they're, not only the turtles, like, not only does he look weird and crazy but it's totally out of proportion yeah like you look at his his waist and his the whole thing is like what the fuck is that it's like you're sick it looks goofy why would he think that even looks good well why do you think women that have giant breast implants think that those things look yeah they're got like i've got double d's but then i think i could go bigger there's a lot of women like that man it's like just like anorexia just like certain bodybuilders people have body dysmorphia where they they look at their body and it begins comes an issue they just can't stop fucking with their body can't stop fucking with their their nose like I know I know a girl who's ruined her nose man yeah she had a beautiful nose it was just kind of a little big but she was pretty you know there's nothing wrong with her and then I saw her but they don't see that they don't see the pretty face they look like a ski slope like there was something like missing from the middle of her nose it's like fuck don't do that yeah oh it's so crazy yeah Yeah, I, like, I feel sorry for the people that go through it.

[1099] Like, I can't imagine just nitpicking so much.

[1100] Well, you probably have a level of body acceptance that other people don't, you know what I'm saying?

[1101] Like, you have to, there's a certain amount that you just have to deal with.

[1102] Yeah.

[1103] That other people don't have to deal with.

[1104] Right.

[1105] So when you hear people complaining about, like, stupid shit, oh, my ears are too little.

[1106] Like, you shut the fuck up.

[1107] Yeah, my calves, my, my, my calves aren't.

[1108] Big enough.

[1109] Fucker, I'm four feet tall.

[1110] Really?

[1111] You're gonna tell me?

[1112] Yeah, it's like, sometimes people come to me after shows and they're like, wow, Brad, what you said on stage, I really was touched and moved by it because, you know, I go through a lot of that because I'm five foot four and I'm a guy and I'm like, do you realize what I would do to be five foot four?

[1113] What horrible things I would do behind a dumpster to be five foot four.

[1114] And you're out there like, oh, man, I'm starting to accept myself as 5 '4 because of you.

[1115] Do you pay attention to all of the scientific research that's being done in genetic engineering and changing?

[1116] Is there anything that's on...

[1117] Yeah, like, they actually identified the dwarf gene.

[1118] Like, they've been able to identify the gene that causes dwarfism.

[1119] And this debate has gone on as the technology keeps getting closer to the point where we can actually do this.

[1120] but there's some debate going is if we can remove that gene if we can prevent your child from having dwarfism should we and a lot of dwarves are like no we shouldn't do it it's plain god it's not but but and I'm they're going yeah you should absolutely remove it absolutely why would you want your kid to go through I mean granted I've been lucky it like like I said I've only had like one surgery and I made a good career with the hand that I was dealt but there's a lot of little people I know that that haven't, that don't, and then get constantly made fun of their entire lives or hidden away by their parents.

[1121] Why would you want your kid to go through that?

[1122] And as a dwarf, you know what struggles that you had growing up.

[1123] Why would you intentionally put those pains on your child?

[1124] I don't understand that.

[1125] I don't.

[1126] It's hard to understand a lot of decisions that people make, a lot of rationalizations that people make.

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] Yeah, like, one reason that I'm able to be a comedian and sort of have this sense of humor about it is because my dad was amazing, is amazing.

[1129] Like, when I was born, he found out that I was going to be a dwarf, so he would go to these LPA Little People of America meetings, and he would find out about it, and he was like, oh, shit, my kid's going to get made fun of a lot.

[1130] Like, his life is going to be weird.

[1131] So his philosophy was, when I was growing up, he would make fun of me first.

[1132] but he would do it in like a supportive way like he would fuck with me but then say okay I just insulted you hit me back with something hit me back and then get because this is going to happen to you later so he's like training you yeah so by the time I got to kindergarten I like I remember kindergarten walking in and a kid just laughing at me going ha ha ha you're little and I looked at him and went ha ha your mom doesn't live with your dad anymore in kindergarten in kindergarten and fucking like I got sent to the principal's office for like hurting this kid feelings.

[1133] That's hilarious.

[1134] Yeah.

[1135] And they called my dad.

[1136] They're like, we're going to call your father.

[1137] I'm like, fucking do it.

[1138] You turned you to be a comedian kind of awesome.

[1139] He did.

[1140] Because now, like, when I get a heckler, it's like, do you think you're going to say anything to me that I haven't heard on the street, that I haven't heard walking down and some kid having like saying a comment?

[1141] Like, I've had parents bring their children up to me when the line is too long at the mall Santa and go, hey, tell this guy what you want.

[1142] I've had that happen to me. They came up, they said, tell this guy what you want.

[1143] You were just a regular guy at the wall.

[1144] Yes.

[1145] Because they're like, well, he knows Santa so you could talk to him and then he'll give the message to Santa.

[1146] I've had that.

[1147] I tell this story in my special, which, hey, I'll plug it now.

[1148] My one hour comedy special, Brad Williams Fun Size, comes out on Showtime, May 8th.

[1149] So watch it, record it, and Showtime's going to replay the shit out of it.

[1150] So you'll have plenty of chances to see it anyway but what happened was is this guy came up and with his kid and was like you see son he's working undercover for santa he's gonna he's out here seeing and finding out who's naughty and nice and he's going to go back and tell and like I knew in that moment where if I get pissed off now this kid who doesn't know anything about dwarfism his first interaction is going to be with someone angry so and that's going to be what he thinks all dwarves are because that's going to be his first interaction so I can't get pissed off I I can't get angry because that's, I'm setting the precedent.

[1151] So what I did was, I looked at the kid and went, you're absolutely right.

[1152] I am working undercover.

[1153] I'm going around, seeing who's not even nice, but guess what?

[1154] You've been really good.

[1155] What do you want more than anything in the world?

[1156] Then kids, like, I want an Xbox.

[1157] And I looked right at the dad.

[1158] I went, guess what?

[1159] You're getting an Xbox.

[1160] And the dad's like, I don't know about this.

[1161] I'm like, what else do you want?

[1162] And the guy's like, waving.

[1163] No, no, no, no. He's like, I really want a bike.

[1164] I'm like, you're getting a bike too.

[1165] Look at that.

[1166] You're getting one.

[1167] And I told the kid, I'm like, the only way that you don't get these things if your parents failed to file the proper paperwork.

[1168] So then he looks at dad like, did you file the proper paperwork?

[1169] Dad, and it's like, oh, of course I did.

[1170] You son of a bitch.

[1171] Like, it was so.

[1172] And then the dude she got.

[1173] Yeah, then the dad like gets mad at me. And it's like, you brought this on yourself, fucker.

[1174] Yeah, it's not like you came to get a service somewhere.

[1175] No. You know, I wasn't dressed in the outfit.

[1176] Like, all right, if I come to the mall and I've got pointy shoes on and pointy ears, I can't get pissed when you say, tell them what you want for Christmas.

[1177] I can't get mad.

[1178] Well, that's fucked up.

[1179] You can't even wear pointy shoes.

[1180] What if you're into, like, those little Alibaba shoes?

[1181] The Mexican pointy shoes.

[1182] You know, what if you're into some cool shoes, man?

[1183] Right.

[1184] Your style's restricted because of your height?

[1185] That seems ridiculous.

[1186] Because it was like a fucking, you know, Cream al -Dul Jabar -sized dude with poignant shoes.

[1187] No one's going to say anything.

[1188] It's a genie.

[1189] Yeah.

[1190] No one's going to say that guy works for Santa.

[1191] Right.

[1192] That's fucked up.

[1193] man I can't work that's racist that's that's that's sizest I can't go through life is sizes expression that gets used I heard I fuck I forgot what show it was some TV shows said it oh I think it was the league I think the league on on FX said sizes and I just heard that I'm like that's pretty good I'm gonna start using that size yeah I like it's a million differentists yeah yeah yeah yeah it's getting weird well everyone has to find a way for them to be offended.

[1194] So you have to create what applies to you.

[1195] So now you can complain like the rest of us.

[1196] I'm hoping this is temporary.

[1197] I'm hoping this ultra -complainee society, ultra -winy stage we're going through is just a side effect of people learning how to use the internet.

[1198] Sort of like how people didn't know how to not get crazy in the 90s, like in the internet.

[1199] People didn't know how to, you know, people get upset at things and they'd overreact and freak out.

[1200] They just didn't know how to deal with people insulting them.

[1201] Right, right, right.

[1202] I'm wondering if it's because have we gotten to a point where, like, because I doubt that in third world countries, they're having a debate of should we say bossy?

[1203] Like, do you think those people who are trying to get food, who don't have clean water, who don't have good, who don't have vaccinations, are like, okay, I know all this shit's going on, but we've got to stop saying the word bossy.

[1204] Like we've got to focus on that I think it's a lack of problems And the human being is a dramatic animal So we create this We create these problems out of nowhere Just so we feel like we're struggling against something There's certainly a lot of that Yeah there's certainly a lot of people that just have it too soft Right to it's too easy to get like this The ability to tweet 15 times about X -Men Shows me that you either have no fucking friends Right too much free time or your career is being a cunt online.

[1205] Yeah, that's all you do.

[1206] Either you got family money or you just don't care about money or you know, you don't have the real problems in your life.

[1207] Those same people 20 years ago.

[1208] What were they picketers?

[1209] No, they didn't exist.

[1210] It's too hard.

[1211] Picketing, you have to actually do something.

[1212] Right.

[1213] You have to show someone.

[1214] You have to live people in the eye.

[1215] If you're standing out inside an abortion clinic or you're picking in front of a warehouse that's non -union, you've got to make fucking contact.

[1216] with people you got to interact with people organize you have to be good at arts and crafts yeah so you have a sign that's like halfway decent all you have to do when you want online it's just find other cunts and you know you gravitate through forums or you know twitter groups and you just cunt it up together you know that's that's what you're getting a lot hashtag cunt it up together joe rogan it's also it's like you create this negative ripple for no reason really you just no you can enjoy a movie or not enjoy a movie you can write a review about a movie but But this idea that you, you know...

[1217] If I go see a movie that sucks that I did not like, I'll walk out of there going, well, I don't like that movie.

[1218] If I go eat at a restaurant, that's shitty.

[1219] I'm just going to say, well, I'm not going back to that restaurant.

[1220] I'm not going to go online and start this campaign of everyone must think like me. Everyone must not go to this restaurant.

[1221] Everyone's got to not see this movie.

[1222] Fuck you if you like Paul Blart Mall Cop 2.

[1223] Hey, if you like Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, more power to you.

[1224] It does not affect me. You enjoying that movie does not have any repercussions on my life at all.

[1225] So I don't care.

[1226] Like whatever movie you want to watch, you like, enjoy whatever comic.

[1227] In terms of the feud that you had with Ned, some people are like, you have to be either a Joe Rogan fan or a Carlos Menci of Finn.

[1228] You can be a fan of both.

[1229] You can be a fan of Larry the Cable guy.

[1230] That's where I draw along.

[1231] Yeah, you're talking crazy talk.

[1232] Now you're talking nonsense.

[1233] But like, you can be a fan of both.

[1234] Layer the cable guy and Bill Burr?

[1235] Yeah, but they don't hate each other.

[1236] Yeah, oh, okay.

[1237] There's a difference there.

[1238] I get that.

[1239] Is it a difference?

[1240] Apparently, I was saying X -Men earlier.

[1241] It's Avengers.

[1242] Yeah.

[1243] Did I say X -Men?

[1244] Was I saying X -Men?

[1245] Oh, you're getting those in the tweets.

[1246] It's all the same shit to me. It's comics.

[1247] I'm going to fuck.

[1248] Yeah.

[1249] But it's just like, like, people who enjoy a certain music.

[1250] Like, if you like, if you enjoy the band, like, name your band that is supposedly shitty.

[1251] Kiss.

[1252] Sure.

[1253] I love Kiss.

[1254] Done.

[1255] I've had people get angry at me because I love Kisses.

[1256] Like, fuck off.

[1257] You and the Pixies can suck it.

[1258] There's such a simple band they can't play.

[1259] I have to use pirate technics and facial makeup to cover the fact that they're shitty musicians.

[1260] It's like, or I can listen to their music and it makes me happy.

[1261] Yeah, or you're moody.

[1262] Right.

[1263] You're just a moody bitch and you need people to cry in their songs.

[1264] Hey, guess what?

[1265] Sometimes I like listening to Motorhead.

[1266] Sometimes I like listening to Sade.

[1267] Sometimes I like listening to her.

[1268] I think you have to say it different than that.

[1269] Shadeh.

[1270] Shat.

[1271] Smooth operator.

[1272] Yeah.

[1273] Sometimes I like that.

[1274] Sometimes I want to rock and roll all night and party every day.

[1275] How about that?

[1276] You fuck.

[1277] Whenever I accomplish anything halfway decent in my career, and this is absolutely true, I go into my car, I play Katie Perry's Firework, I roll down the window, and I lip -sake the shit out of that song.

[1278] I don't like you as much.

[1279] I go nuts with that song.

[1280] Isn't it funny, though, what people actually do do that?

[1281] They don't like people for their choices.

[1282] Like, oh, you fucking listen to that?

[1283] Like, there was a guy that had a fucking bit about that way back in Boston.

[1284] Oh, it was Barry Krimmins.

[1285] Barry Krimmins, a hilarious comedian who Bobcat Goldwaite has a documentary that he did about him.

[1286] Because apparently Barry was, like, molested when he was younger.

[1287] He's got a documentary called Call Me Lucky, or they call me lucky.

[1288] It's supposed to be, like, really dark and really good.

[1289] You know, Bobcat is awesome.

[1290] Great filmmaker.

[1291] But anyway, he had a bit about, Going to the record store and the clerk at the record store, like, you're listening to this?

[1292] Like, fuck you, man. It brings me joy.

[1293] Yeah.

[1294] That doesn't affect you in any way whatsoever.

[1295] Yeah, get out of here.

[1296] That's it.

[1297] It's Barry Kremens.

[1298] And I don't know, what are they doing with their pose there?

[1299] I don't know.

[1300] It looks like they're trying to look like dwarves.

[1301] It looks like they're trying to look like dwaras.

[1302] Gorillas are standing up in their back legs.

[1303] Yeah.

[1304] Barry Krimands was like back when I was starting out, I was an obfurtain.

[1305] open mic or he was already established comedian he was like one of the you started in boston too yeah yeah he was one of the like the main guard of like the established uh comedians in boston like established headliners like really really respected guy very original political very political just very just very wise guy had some really good things to say he's really good to follow on twitter too his twitter is filled with uh very good points and also he he'll tweet some great articles and stuff and different things but uh bobcat also started out in boston so bob he uh he did this documentary on barry and i don't think it comes out for a couple months but i think right now they're touring and doing the um you know the festival thing and trying to get it up there fantastic man yeah i i'll put that fucking thing down and contribute just be a part of the show let's be a periscope a little oh get a periscope no um now do you like consume all like movies or whatever that's stand -up related like can you watch like the new Kevin Pollock one what's new Kevin Pollock one something around people being miserable something misery loves comedy loves misery or something like that didn't see that yeah like I've got that cute up ready to go when I get home so it's like I like I love all those types of movies I like some of them but I mean we're around comedy all the time yeah I don't need someone to tell me what comedy is and I don't need someone I just like the idea that do comedians have to be miserable let's explore this like I have friends that aren't miserable to the comedians.

[1306] I don't have to explore that.

[1307] I mean, yeah, because you know.

[1308] Or it's like, or it's like you can just sit back and enjoy their art and say like, okay.

[1309] Yeah.

[1310] Like, do you have to go into the mental state of Jackson Pollock?

[1311] Or can you just sit back and be like, wow, those are some cool paintings.

[1312] Yeah, well, like them.

[1313] Well, I mean, I don't think there's a problem with exploring whether or not comedians are miserable.

[1314] It's just I don't want to do it.

[1315] I don't need to do it.

[1316] Yeah.

[1317] I don't like that idea either that you could just lump everybody together.

[1318] Like, are all musicians dickheads?

[1319] No. Right, right, right.

[1320] Some musicians are dickets.

[1321] Sure.

[1322] What was that thing you sent me the other day?

[1323] Stone Temple Pilots guy.

[1324] Oh my God.

[1325] Scott Whelan was either wasted on something or, but he, that was sad to watch.

[1326] He's not in the band anymore, right?

[1327] They kicked him out.

[1328] They kicked him out.

[1329] Now the lead singer of Lincoln Park is touring with him.

[1330] Wasn't that the same banjo that you saw at a private party, like a UFC party or?

[1331] Well, this is the Dana White's birthday party.

[1332] It's 40th birthday, I think it was.

[1333] And God damn it, dude, they fucking nailed it.

[1334] They did that show.

[1335] at a private party, there was only a few hundred people there, and they did that show as if it was a packed arena.

[1336] I love that.

[1337] I love that.

[1338] He had the bullhorn, you know, he does like some of his song.

[1339] He sings some of it, like to change the sound of his voice, he sings into a bullhorn.

[1340] It was Scott Weiland?

[1341] Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker.

[1342] STP.

[1343] Let me hear this.

[1344] Is this at the party?

[1345] Oh, I can tell you right now.

[1346] That guy, he can't even balance correctly.

[1347] That dude is...

[1348] He's on something.

[1349] He's on some hair off.

[1350] As Joe Diaz would say.

[1351] Look at him dancing.

[1352] Yeah, he's moving in slow motion.

[1353] I bet he's having a good time, though.

[1354] Sure.

[1355] Yeah, oh my God, he's tripping.

[1356] Let me hear this.

[1357] It's one note.

[1358] He's just, yeah.

[1359] He's heroned out of his mind.

[1360] Yeah.

[1361] Dead eyes.

[1362] What I saw was the total opposite of this.

[1363] You saw?

[1364] like jumping around and moving.

[1365] He was crushing it.

[1366] I mean he was crushing it.

[1367] I was really really you know I have no musical talent at all so I love watching musicians because you watch musicians you can kind of get this inspiration from them that's totally unrelated to what you do I was really impressed with him as a performer just as just as an artist I was like this guy's fucking bringing it he's showing up to some yeah he's showing up to some private party they probably got a fucking assload of money but apparently he was a nightmare to deal with backstage they were threatening to walk if the show didn't start right now like there's all this craziness to it like he wasn't chill about the experience at all but yeah but what but you know maybe he's amped up to get up there because once he got up there he was fucking smashing it that's great it was so it was so tight smooth and like everything he was doing was such like energetic and focused and yeah i was super super super impressed it's cool and you can see someone who's really in their element you're like oh yeah you were absolutely put on this planet to be a rock star Like, this is what you do, and you're fantastic.

[1368] Well, I would never say that, but I would say he's nailing it.

[1369] He's whatever it is that takes to be a rock star.

[1370] That guy is in that groove.

[1371] He's in that headspace.

[1372] He's worked really hard.

[1373] He's done all the preparation necessary, and he's producing it at a very, very high level.

[1374] That's one thing I definitely would say.

[1375] I don't think anybody's born to be a rock star or born to be a poet or any of that.

[1376] There's a lot of silliness when it comes to that kind of shit.

[1377] I think some people's personalities, because of whatever reason, are better.

[1378] are suited for certain activities but that makes sense I don't think anybody's born to do anything you know they just they just kind of discover where they kind of where their talents or where their personality can sort of fit the best and then they just yeah accelerate I mean find what you enjoy and do it I mean like for you like you know you're in college mm -hmm and see it brings you on stage you you you say funny shit and you realize I could be funny yeah holy fuck yeah like the next thing you know I mean what was that process like did you get home and start writing did you start watching comedy like What did you do?

[1379] I consumed everything.

[1380] Like that one moment, that one blip.

[1381] Just because I got a laugh.

[1382] And it was a sold -out improv.

[1383] And I was just like, wow, this is in, I mean, you know, the drug of stand -up of being on stage and saying something.

[1384] And then having a whole room of strangers just laugh.

[1385] And it was, and that, and for me, I've always used laughter as like kind of a defense mechanism.

[1386] because when I meet people, I try to immediately make a dwarf joke just so they're comfortable, just so they go like, oh, okay, he's cool with it.

[1387] And then I can kind of, and now we can be friends.

[1388] Like, now we can move on past that.

[1389] So that's like something you learned over the years.

[1390] You think that has to do with the way your dad sort of like...

[1391] Absolutely.

[1392] Absolutely.

[1393] And, you know, because then if I don't talk about it, then people are like on pins and needles because they don't know if they're going to offend me or if they're going to like, say something that's going to set me off.

[1394] You know, so they're, so if I make that quick joke, then they're like, oh, okay, you're fine.

[1395] I don't have to worry about it.

[1396] So, yeah, as soon as I went on stage the first time, I went home and I just started writing like crazy and just started writing all the stories that I've told at parties for years, just of experiences and things like that, and just started watching a ton of comedy.

[1397] Someone showed me the Jerry Seinfeld documentary comedian, and I was like, I was in, man. That's a sneaky documentary.

[1398] You know why?

[1399] Why, because he put Orney Adams in that movie to make himself look good?

[1400] I know he did.

[1401] I know he put Orney, like, Orney, like, they focused on, like, look, they come to you and they say, look, you're going to be in a documentary about comedy with Jerry Seinfeld.

[1402] They're like, fuck, yeah, I mean.

[1403] You're a struggling comic.

[1404] And they narrow in on this neurotic guy who's a mess, and he's freaking out, he's trying to get, and he's got no experience being on camera, and you just, he's got no experience being on camera, and you just fucking shove this camera in his face.

[1405] And in contrast, it makes Jerry Seinfeld look very, very likable.

[1406] Sure, because he's polished and he's done this for years, and now he's trying to do the new act.

[1407] But then at the same time, and as comics, we know this now.

[1408] Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld was trying to write new material, and when he's going on stage, he's done this a thousand times.

[1409] So that scene where he's essentially trying to think of a word or bombing, as some people would say, he's very comfortable in that scenario because he knows what to do, and he's very analytical.

[1410] because he's done it a million times.

[1411] It's not Orney to where, when he goes on, he's, you know, he's neurotic and he's learning all this stuff.

[1412] Yeah.

[1413] Because, yeah, I saw that movie.

[1414] I thought I knew Orney Adams.

[1415] And then I actually met the guy.

[1416] I'm like, oh, you're fucking cool.

[1417] He's just a normal dude.

[1418] I like you.

[1419] But, you know, they edit it.

[1420] They focus on all the most ridiculous shit that the guy does.

[1421] Get that camera in his face.

[1422] You have Barry Katz breaking you down on camera, which is preposterous.

[1423] The whole thing is ridiculous.

[1424] I saw that.

[1425] I'm like, they set this dude up.

[1426] Like, they used him in this fucking documentary.

[1427] But, you know, if you're really going to show a guy creating a new material or a guy, you've got to kind of do a guy who's not loved already.

[1428] Right.

[1429] You know?

[1430] Who can't walk on stage and get a standing ovation before you've said one word.

[1431] So that's where Orney comes in.

[1432] Right.

[1433] So it's, I think they kind of, it helps to have a guy like that where you follow in another guy.

[1434] On the way up, yeah.

[1435] But why do they choose Orney, you know?

[1436] Yeah.

[1437] Choose a guy who's not going to overshadow him, you know.

[1438] it's interesting like you know they didn't do like a Kevin Hart type character some big powerful right you know energetic performer who just crushes and like well hell they had they had they had the one scene at uh carolines where i don't know who the comic was it might have been angel salzar but check it out yeah yeah yeah check it out check it out where like he was doing his costume changes on stage at yeah i think it was carolines and then you see jerry in the back like well how am i going to follow this like how am i going after this be funny yeah just walk on stage and say Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, didn't tell a couple jokes.

[1439] Boom, you're following it.

[1440] Tell jokes that are actually good.

[1441] Yeah.

[1442] You're fine.

[1443] Don't worry about it, dude.

[1444] That's it.

[1445] But yeah, yeah, I just consumed all things comedy.

[1446] I never saw that.

[1447] I am comic either.

[1448] It was just, that was the documentary that everybody always quotes, because that's the one where Mincey admits to steal a material.

[1449] And he does that interview where he was talking about, you know, yeah, I steal.

[1450] Of course I steal.

[1451] You know, if I'm on stage, you better run, bitch.

[1452] Yeah, but a lot of people that to be funny.

[1453] Yeah, it's not people thought it was sarcasm.

[1454] I think he was doing to be sarcastic.

[1455] You can't do that if you actually are a thief.

[1456] Yeah, that's true.

[1457] How do you do that if you actually are a plagiarist?

[1458] I mean, that's preposterous.

[1459] But that's all I know about that documentary.

[1460] Oh, yeah, because I'm sure people tweeted you that clip like crazy.

[1461] Is that a touchy subject with you and talk about your friend?

[1462] Yeah, kind of, because it's like, yeah, he's my friend.

[1463] And we're still friends.

[1464] And so we still text every now and then, hell, some of your fans will probably, like, when that thing was at, its peak.

[1465] There was a moment where some of your fans would probably hate me for this, but he called me up and was like, I'm quitting.

[1466] I'm not doing this anymore.

[1467] I'm not doing stand -up anymore.

[1468] I'm not, I'm out.

[1469] I'm just, this is too much.

[1470] I can't.

[1471] And I was on the phone with him for like three hours and like talk him into back into doing.

[1472] Oh, damn.

[1473] Yeah, no. See, yeah.

[1474] See, that's what all your fans are like, listen, man, there's nothing wrong with him doing stand -up.

[1475] Mm -hmm.

[1476] Because, you know, that's not, there's never the issue.

[1477] What the issue always was was he was victimizing other comedians.

[1478] I mean, and you might not known it because you weren't around.

[1479] I wasn't around the scene.

[1480] This isn't a mystery.

[1481] And the sad part is, because I was with him on the road, I would see things happen during the day, and then him go on stage that night, do 20 minutes on what happened during the day and have it be brilliant and stuff.

[1482] I'll be the first one to say he's great comic when he's like being a comedian.

[1483] You know what the problem is?

[1484] People get addicted to killing and they want to kill all the time and when they don't have something to say they'll take somebody else's shit and that's the reality of it.

[1485] It's a lack of artistic integrity and that's the reality.

[1486] It doesn't mean you're not talented it's like we were talking about before there's grays yeah.

[1487] There's not everybody's good or everybody's bad or everybody on this side is good everybody on that side's bad.

[1488] It's not that.

[1489] Some people are really talented but they also have questionable ethics and that That's reality, and because what is most important to them is adulation and love.

[1490] It's filling up that hole.

[1491] Whatever that was created, we all have a hole.

[1492] Every comic has a hole that was created by their childhood, some more than others, you know, some in a different way than others.

[1493] Everybody's varies.

[1494] And some people that the need to kill is way more important than the need to be original and the need to be creative.

[1495] and when they don't have anything to say when they don't they can't they can't find something they'll just steal and once they steal they steal all the time and once they that becomes what they do then and they do it to their friends they do it to people they don't know they do it to open micers they sit in the back room and they write things down and he's not the only one that's ever done this he was the only one that was ever called out for it and got busted for it publicly and publicly yeah and these things still happen today where you know behind the scenes and someone comes up to someone and says, hey, that joke, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1496] Look, it's still an issue.

[1497] Like, artistic integrity is always going to be an issue.

[1498] There's, for sure, there's parallel thinking.

[1499] For sure, there's going to be people that come up with similar jokes.

[1500] Like, there's always something that happens in the news, like Kanye West interrupting, you know, Taylor Swift.

[1501] There's going to be a bunch of people that have a joke about that.

[1502] Especially with Twitter, you'll see it because I remember when Bruce Jenner got into that car accident.

[1503] and the woman died.

[1504] One of the first tweets I saw was Neil Brennan saying, great, now every comic's going to say that Bruce Jenner's really becoming a woman because he can't drive.

[1505] And that was his tweet.

[1506] And then sure enough, within minutes, you saw comedians tweet that joke.

[1507] Sure.

[1508] It just filled up the line because that's the most obvious punchline there.

[1509] Right.

[1510] So you have all these eyes looking to one topic.

[1511] Yeah, that's what they're going to come up with.

[1512] It was pretty fucked up that day.

[1513] Did they even bring that up in the two hours that he was being interviewed?

[1514] No, like, oh, by the way, you killed someone by not paying attention.

[1515] Right.

[1516] And recently.

[1517] Yeah, and it was totally, I mean, anybody else in that similar situation, like, that would be the main focal point.

[1518] Oh, by the way, you fucking weren't paying attention while you were driving a giant truck with a fucking boat behind it.

[1519] Right.

[1520] And you're not supposed to have.

[1521] What do you mean?

[1522] I think on the PCAs, somebody said that you're not supposed to have trailers or something on that street.

[1523] because of that reason of stopping faster.

[1524] Much you Google that.

[1525] Find out if that's true.

[1526] I don't know if that's true, but that could be true.

[1527] You could have done a Diane Sawyer interview on the fact you fucking killed someone a month ago.

[1528] I mean, they just glossed over.

[1529] A month ago.

[1530] Yeah.

[1531] Glossed over it like it was, that's not important.

[1532] What's important is, are you a woman?

[1533] Are you a woman who kills people?

[1534] Not the fact that you ended a life.

[1535] Yeah.

[1536] By negligence.

[1537] By pure negligence.

[1538] While you're smoking a cigarette.

[1539] Yeah.

[1540] And I think I heard, I heard, I heard Carolla talk about this.

[1541] and I thought it was really interesting.

[1542] I mean, the fact that, like, I think the car he hit, and then she veered off into oncoming traffic, and the car that hit her was like a homer.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] And that part sucks, because you're like, well, if you get hit by a Yaris, yeah, you're good.

[1545] What's a Yaris?

[1546] A Yaris is, I don't know, it's a little tiny car.

[1547] It's not that, yeah, I don't know, it's a small car.

[1548] But, like, yeah, you get hit by any sort of regular.

[1549] You don't have to pull up a Yaris.

[1550] Yeah, it's fine.

[1551] It's a car.

[1552] Taped the interview before the car accident, it says.

[1553] Oh, that makes sense.

[1554] There you go.

[1555] There you go.

[1556] So, okay.

[1557] Oh, okay.

[1558] Yeah, there it is.

[1559] I mean, you can't have like an asterisk?

[1560] How did they tape it so long ago?

[1561] Yeah, and then not, and then just sit on it.

[1562] Yeah.

[1563] That's interesting.

[1564] But yeah, it was the fuck, really.

[1565] Yeah, but it was the whole thing of where, like, out of all the cars on the road that hit you head on, it had to be a hummer.

[1566] Yeah, that's not good.

[1567] No. It's just negligence like that.

[1568] It's just so infuriating.

[1569] And to have it, you know, from a person that's in the public eye, people get really angry about it.

[1570] But in this case, it seems to be, like, fading.

[1571] Like, no one really seems to give a shit about it.

[1572] Other than the people that directly knew.

[1573] And they're like, there's people that are trying to sue, but they're the stepdaughters.

[1574] And apparently they didn't even have a relationship with the woman and they're suing.

[1575] And now they're like, oh, but you took away my chance to rekindle that relationship.

[1576] So I deserve a million dollars.

[1577] That is kind of true, sort of.

[1578] I mean, I guess.

[1579] Who the fuck is to say that, you know.

[1580] call her tomorrow if there's anybody that deserves like money from like a lawsuit it's not the people suing manny pack yow for five million bucks because you got a hurt shoulder it's the people who well hey bruce jenner killed my mom yeah okay okay she's got some money yeah it's not like he's broke yeah let's give you some money for that it's uh and you almost just never hear about that anymore you don't hear about it at all no it's just in becoming woman now it fades away fades away into oblivion It's interesting how the public decides to fixate on certain things and not fixate on other things.

[1581] Sure.

[1582] Like, I was thinking about that when it came to this police violence case.

[1583] You know, the public will decide.

[1584] Which one?

[1585] The Freddie Gray one is one that sticks.

[1586] But this South Carolina one where the cop shot the guy in the back on video just running away.

[1587] The guy was running away.

[1588] It wasn't a guy who died in the back of a van.

[1589] It was a guy who's running away and the cop shoots him.

[1590] That one didn't stick.

[1591] I am shocked.

[1592] Well, it's like, it was kind of like a few years ago, and all these, a bunch of comics made jokes about it, but it was like when every, when it was like missing kid time, it was like, we're this, every story is going to be a new missing kid.

[1593] And everyone made the joke that was all like good -looking white women.

[1594] Yeah, it is.

[1595] And not, there's so many other missing kids.

[1596] And now it's kind of like that, but with police brutality.

[1597] And then, like, it's almost like the news just sits down one day and says, what are we going to?

[1598] focus on this week like like like what's going to happen did you see night crawler yes that's a perfect perfect movie if you want to understand like this whole like if it leads it leads style yeah that style of news well and it also gives you really in real insight into what what a news show is it's an entertainment program they're trying to get ratings same way everyone else is they're not trying to enlighten you they're not trying to educate you they're just trying to somehow or another get to pay attention.

[1599] That's why I like the speech in the TV show, The Newsroom, it was near the beginning of the first season.

[1600] Jeff Daniels plays the news broadcaster, and he talks about what the news was designed to be and how there were people that when the news was first conceived, they said no ads, no sponsors, government funded, or, I mean, then you go into a whole other part where they can't talk about government people.

[1601] but yeah it's like no sponsors to where they have to get ratings just this is the news it's going to be put on by taxpayer money you pay a little extra get you get the news so now it's not people with the the news tickers at the bottom trying to sensationalize everything what did Hillary Clinton really mean when she said bupah Republicans and Democrats and they're fighting and like so the newscasters don't have that to go to and I thought that was a great little monologue that that made me kind of think, like, yeah, why do we, like, why is the news have to be ratings?

[1602] Because, and it's like you said, it's an entertainment show.

[1603] That's all it is.

[1604] At the end of the day.

[1605] They're trying to get eyes.

[1606] They're trying to get sponsors.

[1607] They're trying to get ratings.

[1608] So, yeah, you're going to lead with, you know, the sensationalized murders and the...

[1609] That's how you get people to pay attention.

[1610] It's the only way.

[1611] It's also, like, what we were talking about earlier, it's like when you run into, like, most people that you...

[1612] communicate with online like my in my interactions with people on Twitter and on Instagram or Facebook are almost universally positive there's a very few negative people that I've run into and most of it because I'm nice and I don't cause too much bullshit but I say controversial shit I just I run into enough nice people but there's a certain percentage that are just and it's just a numbers game well when you when you're dealing with the news yeah if you're trying to put on an hour show You're dealing with the events of seven billion people and the Nepal earthquake and the typhoon that hits the Philippines This and the that and the that and this and the murder and the death and the cop and the shot and the boy and the gun And the baby in the window and you can just fill that hour up with these events because that's sheer numbers if you just looked out If you opened up your window and you looked out your apartment you saw seven billion people you'd be like well of Of course, some shit's going down.

[1613] Yeah.

[1614] There's too many people.

[1615] Yeah.

[1616] It's just going to happen.

[1617] The events that you're dealing with, if you're dealing with even like one, one hundredth of one percent of chaos and violence.

[1618] Sure.

[1619] That's pretty good when you consider what the world must have been like, you know, five, six thousand years ago.

[1620] People just fucking show up and cut your village in half with swords.

[1621] And then just say, all right, we own it now.

[1622] Yeah.

[1623] Flaming arrows to go flying through the air.

[1624] Oh, great.

[1625] We're doing this again.

[1626] You know, that was the.

[1627] news.

[1628] I mean, that was what the news was back then.

[1629] The news was you open up your window and people were trying to kill you.

[1630] Yeah, here's who your king is now.

[1631] All right.

[1632] Great.

[1633] So if you try to like pack a 7 billion person like a report on the events of 7 billion people, how the fuck are you going to do that in an hour?

[1634] You're not.

[1635] You can't.

[1636] And you're not getting an hour, by the way.

[1637] You get 44 minutes.

[1638] Right.

[1639] Yeah, commercials.

[1640] 18 minutes of fucking commercials or 16 minutes commercials.

[1641] And they're like, the news is biased.

[1642] And you're like, well, yeah, for that reason.

[1643] Because they have to look at all events and say which ones do we want to focus on.

[1644] Well, their job is not to educate you.

[1645] No. Their job is to get you to pay attention.

[1646] That's it.

[1647] And we have this idea that somehow and other they're like our educators.

[1648] Like, this is the news.

[1649] And you know, when you hear them talking in that strange way, the newscasters talk.

[1650] Tom Broke our voice.

[1651] Yeah.

[1652] It's the, my favorite is when they uncomfortably try to comment on things in between stories.

[1653] Well, that's upsetting.

[1654] It certainly is.

[1655] Next story.

[1656] Yeah, the local news broadcast After the last story And that 20 seconds At the end of the broadcast Where they have to like be funny or just interact Did you see that one Where the woman was talking to a black guy There was a woman who was a white newscaster And she had a black guy with her And they were talking about Lady Gaga Lady Gaga did a performance And she starts calling it jigaboo music To a black guy!

[1657] She doesn't know what jigaboo is, apparently.

[1658] Have you seen this?

[1659] Listen to this.

[1660] Of course, it's Fox News.

[1661] Listen to us.

[1662] Wow.

[1663] What's this?

[1664] It's hard to really hear her voice with all the jigaboo.

[1665] You say, she's a gorgeous voice.

[1666] Oh, my God.

[1667] How about the black guy just sitting there going, yep, yep.

[1668] I'm a robot.

[1669] right there.

[1670] I have a mortgage.

[1671] I'm a robot.

[1672] Has there been anything like that though that you've said that you didn't know like I didn't know it was racist to say hey boy to a black guy.

[1673] Like I remember saying it.

[1674] I moved to L .A. And I remember the first year I was out there.

[1675] Well, you never say hey boy to a white guy.

[1676] Yeah.

[1677] Well, I mean it's like, what's up boy?

[1678] Like I remember said that to my friend and my friend goes, what?

[1679] Wait, what's you just saying?

[1680] I was like boy, hey man. And he goes, do you know what?

[1681] You shouldn't say boy to a black guy.

[1682] And then he explained to me. I was like, I've never heard this before.

[1683] in my life.

[1684] Well, now we're going through that with Tranny.

[1685] Like, you can't like, you can't say that.

[1686] You can still say cabby, though, for cab drivers, so cling to that.

[1687] They won't even exist in another few years after Uber.

[1688] Did I tell you, I took a cab the other day?

[1689] I did not know how much more expensive it was and how bitter they have, like, the second I got in there, that's all they talked about was how horrible Uber was.

[1690] Did you bring up Uber?

[1691] No, I had not, I didn't say it.

[1692] It was like, oh, thanks, man. Yeah, you know, My phone's dead, so I couldn't, you know, call you.

[1693] Use Uber.

[1694] No, so I couldn't call because I had to flag it down a taxi.

[1695] Right.

[1696] And it has like, my phone's that I couldn't call.

[1697] And he goes, oh, that's where this Uber.

[1698] And the whole time, the whole ride home, he was just bitching about Uber.

[1699] Sure, because they had a monopoly in the market.

[1700] Then someone figured out how to do it better.

[1701] And it was $20 more.

[1702] You ran into a cunt.

[1703] Yeah.

[1704] And it was $20 more.

[1705] Like, it cost for the same ride.

[1706] Yeah, for the exact same ride I've taken a million times with Uber.

[1707] Uber, $20 more.

[1708] How do they get paid?

[1709] They get a check from Uber.

[1710] Is that how that works?

[1711] Yeah, I think it's twice a month.

[1712] It's direct deposited into their...

[1713] Do they do any background checks on the people that are involved?

[1714] They're supposed to.

[1715] And now with all the latest news and stuff, it's gotten more intense, but it's still easy.

[1716] I mean, I know a ton of people who are comics that are Uber drivers.

[1717] I was like, what, you're an Uber driver, hilarious.

[1718] Like, you're a horrible person.

[1719] Well, David Seaman was...

[1720] David Seaman, he does some fucking Uber driving in his spare time.

[1721] That's just to pick up chicks, I think.

[1722] No, remember when Dead Mouse was doing it?

[1723] He was Uber driving up in Toronto with his fucking Ferrari.

[1724] And then they had his logo, like, you know how they have the car logo?

[1725] Like, he was the Dead Mouse mask.

[1726] Yeah.

[1727] That was on the map.

[1728] That must have been cool as fuck.

[1729] Right.

[1730] You get picked up by Dead Mouse and driven around in a Ferrari.

[1731] What if you have luggage, though?

[1732] Like, bitch, you don't even have a trunk, you fuck.

[1733] Yeah, like, could you imagine just being on the side of the street, be like, I call this Uber and then like Gene Simmons pulls up Joe Rogan you're a very rich and powerful mom and then you're like to get super lucky right to get someone who's not totally retarded in your car though yeah well now like there's a thing like um Hillary like Hillary Duff is getting a lot of press because she's on Tinder yeah and she's like filming it and stuff and like cute like is she trying to do a reality show I have no idea is that what it is yeah Jamie knows he's just nodding his head over there is that what she's doing Let's go to our Us Weekly Report with Jamie.

[1734] Why did Jamie say that again, please?

[1735] I read she did a few dates, and they filmed a couple things, and they went on...

[1736] Well, she'd probably film it just so nobody kills her.

[1737] Right.

[1738] Yeah, no shit.

[1739] Some Psychos shows up, and it's Hillary Duff.

[1740] Speaking of Psychos, I watched Going Clear last night.

[1741] Oh, you hadn't seen that before?

[1742] Oh, my God.

[1743] Well, I read part of the book.

[1744] I had seen, like, some clips from the documentary.

[1745] Yeah.

[1746] But, oh, my God.

[1747] I watched it last night.

[1748] That is incredible.

[1749] Yeah.

[1750] You know, Scientology is down to only 50 ,000 members?

[1751] That's what they were saying?

[1752] And with that, they still have whatever.

[1753] A billion dollars.

[1754] Yeah.

[1755] They have over a billion dollars in cash.

[1756] I mean, there was, uh...

[1757] Equity.

[1758] There was like two sponsored tweets today that I saw, like, by Scientology.

[1759] Really?

[1760] And they, and the...

[1761] What's their Twitter handle?

[1762] I think it's just at Scientology or at Church of Scientology or at, uh, we will control you, you small, weak -minded imp, something like that.

[1763] Yeah, and they had...

[1764] Yeah, Scientology.

[1765] How many people they have?

[1766] Let's take a guess.

[1767] 28 ,000?

[1768] Damn, that's it.

[1769] That's it?

[1770] That's it.

[1771] I am one followers of Scientology.

[1772] Sweet.

[1773] 28 ,000.

[1774] But, like, look what their top photo is.

[1775] Like, their top photo of the Church of Scientology is a lobby of a hotel or building that looks like a palace.

[1776] Yeah.

[1777] Like, that's what their logo is.

[1778] Well, that's the church.

[1779] That's where they party.

[1780] That's where they give praise to Zinu.

[1781] Yeah Meet Heikey A mother and Scientologist Wow So I guess they're like on a publicity run To try to Gotta be The same way SeaWorld now is how Has those commercials We love our whales Look at this Because of Scientology Mayuku Treats her young son As an individual As a result He's a happier child What?

[1782] As opposed to what You treat him like he's a fucking Puzzle piece What does that mean?

[1783] Yeah, what parent isn't doing that and it's because they're not a Scientologist.

[1784] This is weird, man. Calm the fuck down.

[1785] Joe, did you see the sea world, like how that new commercial that they've been playing?

[1786] And like, we haven't captured a orca in the wild for 20 years or something like that.

[1787] They just forced them to breed in captivity as slaves.

[1788] Yeah, there are some falsities going on.

[1789] We're not that mean.

[1790] We're just cunts.

[1791] This is really wild, man. They're trying to go for it to the diversity angle, the Scientology Twitter page.

[1792] The Scientology mission of Kathmandu serves as the base camp for Scientology Nepal, disaster response.

[1793] Hashtag Nepal Quake.

[1794] We're helping.

[1795] Well, I'm sure they'll help by completely obliterating psychiatry in the Nepal region.

[1796] And then all the people will be better.

[1797] It's just amazing when you see the actual films of El Rahman Hubbard talking.

[1798] Yes.

[1799] You know, that was what it was amazing.

[1800] And Paul Hagus, the director, like who got to like some super high level, you get the hand.

[1801] written notes from El Ron Hubbard.

[1802] He was like, what the fuck is this?

[1803] Yeah.

[1804] Did you see it?

[1805] Have you seen the documentary?

[1806] Dude, you have to.

[1807] You have to.

[1808] It's a whole new level, bro.

[1809] It's that good.

[1810] It's that good.

[1811] I got it last night on HBO Go.

[1812] You ever use HBO Go?

[1813] I just got it last night to watch the Nirvana movies on there now.

[1814] Yeah, yeah.

[1815] I was going to watch that too.

[1816] But I said, let me watch this.

[1817] It was really, it was late at night and I was like, I'm just going to watch this for like 10, 15 minutes.

[1818] Nope.

[1819] And I was glued to that motherfucker for two whole hours.

[1820] I'll watch it.

[1821] It's sad, too, man. Some of the people's bad experiences with their children and with their families.

[1822] Kids being taken away and being forced to work on top of a roof of a building.

[1823] Fuck, dude.

[1824] It was, how about a mother whose daughter won't talk to anymore?

[1825] The whole family grew up Scientologists.

[1826] And it's really hard to watch.

[1827] And then the guy who started taping the people that were out in front of his house, like the Scientologist out front of his house to do a smear campaign against him I think it's really important whenever you're talking about something like this to look at both sides of it and this does not look at both sides but this is only one side of it I had a neighbor that was a Scientologist I actually don't think he is anymore and I don't live near him anymore but he was a Scientologist he was the nicest fucking guy and he was telling me how much it helped him and how much it got his life in order so I don't think it's all negative I think there's there's some horror fucking stories well sure it's the same thing like some of the nicest people I've ever known in my life were Mormons yeah Mormons are great If I had to pick a religion I would really would pick Mormonism Yeah I really would They're all family oriented They all like have like tight -knit Or they try to have tight -knit families They're really like supportive Their church functions are pretty pretty And they all kind of band together To help each other I mean granted then you have The instances where polygamous And girls are being married off at age 12 and like Those are some weird sex though Mormonism.

[1828] They don't really have those Right.

[1829] You know that's all You know that's Mitt Romney Do you know the whole deal with Mitt Romney?

[1830] Oh no. Oh, this is great Oh, this is gonna be great Because my dad's like a hardcore Republican So this would be fun Yeah Couldn't be president because he was born in Mexico Okay The reason why he was born in Mexico Was because Mitt Romney's family is from an extreme sect of Mormonism that left the country when polygamy became illegal.

[1831] So they left the country in the 1800s back when there was no cars.

[1832] When there was no cars, Mexico was just as cool as America.

[1833] It was probably even cooler.

[1834] So let's just go over there.

[1835] Fuck it.

[1836] We're on horses.

[1837] What's the fucking differences in make?

[1838] Just land and land.

[1839] Yeah, you have a horse over here or you have a horse over there.

[1840] Have a horse over here, you can have 15 wives, you know, walk them up in a dungeon.

[1841] You have a party.

[1842] You know, over here, you have to have one wife, and they tell you what to fuck them.

[1843] You have to pay taxes?

[1844] Get the fuck out of here.

[1845] Let's go have $15.

[1846] So Mitt Romney and his family, they came from this one sect and this, they're heavily armed and they fight off the fucking Taliban, or not the Taliban, the drug cartels down there.

[1847] Like they get kidnapped and shit.

[1848] It's like extreme shit.

[1849] Like the whole, the whole scene is like really dangerous.

[1850] These guys are like, they have rifles everywhere they're going.

[1851] They're always worried the drug cartels are going to storm the gates.

[1852] It's really interesting.

[1853] I believe vice did a piece on it.

[1854] Was it a vice piece?

[1855] See if you find it Vice is pretty damn cool I think they did a piece on I think that's where I got all the original information from then I just kept looking into it right but Mitt Romney's dad like always wanted to be president but couldn't because he wasn't born in America right like Ted Cruz Ted Cruz was born in Canada that fuck wait but he was running for president he's both American and Canadian citizen because his mother was American but he was born in Canada so like some sort of thing where I say if you're born in a plane shouldn't you be allowed to be president anywhere The Mexican Mormon War Yeah, that's it, Vice, full length Fuck, dude Interesting Yeah, they're at war Apparently with the drug cartels down there They get kidnapped and all kinds of craters Five -part thing, seven -part thing Jesus, you can watch the full -length thing On Vice .com I mean, the warring Mormons Sounds like a great band name The Warring Mormons are playing Coachella next year The Mormon War I want eight wives I live in Mexico It's like the Mormon choir Well I think they were fine Everything was cool until the drug war came And when the drug war came I think They got fucked Because they're like oh well now this place that we had sort of decided to live in It's super dangerous Yeah so now we gotta go back Yeah I don't know man I don't know what happened I know when Mitt and his family decided to Come back to good old US of A Having two wives sounds good You know, just have one on each side of the house, you know, one week.

[1856] You spend one with one.

[1857] On paper, dude.

[1858] In theory.

[1859] It's like communism in theory is awesome.

[1860] Yeah.

[1861] Because everyone just does their own thing.

[1862] And then all the things are split amongst everyone and like, hey, you're a doctor and, hey, you're a mechanic, but we're going to take care of everyone.

[1863] But it sounds great.

[1864] And then you get human beings into it where it's like, okay, now the doctor who went to 12 years of med school has to be like, well, wait, I'm being paid the same as the mechanic.

[1865] What the fuck?

[1866] Well, you know what?

[1867] also two men like whenever someone can has any control over people at all people don't like to be controlled at all and you know you get one grown adult that has any control over another grown adult and people resist and it gets ugly yeah telling people what they can can't do with their existence on this planet right right right they don't want to hear that you you you will be a mechanic you will be a carpenter you will be a tailor that's why cuba doesn't work right that's like communism doesn't work in that way no that style of dictator Communism, dictator -driven communism, where they decide what you're going to do, what your occupation's going to be, how much you can make, and just socialism in general.

[1868] Like, the idea behind it is beautiful.

[1869] We all contribute.

[1870] Sure.

[1871] We all become a part of this community.

[1872] I mean, in a way, your small family union, your small family unit is a communist state because you're all like helping each other out.

[1873] Yeah.

[1874] And you're all doing your jobs and you all share.

[1875] A wife and a husband together.

[1876] That's very communist, right?

[1877] Absolutely.

[1878] Piling all your money together.

[1879] Sure.

[1880] And then.

[1881] But no one's telling the.

[1882] wife like you know right some bitch you got to do this well hopefully not yeah yeah yeah this is his rule but I guess you are kind of I wonder if there's going to be any way that you can test for what you'd be best at though like the that website 23 and me it goes through your DNA and it tells you like if you have the warrior gene if you have like all these certain genes if your kids are going to be bald but I wonder if there's ever going to be a thing where they go you're going to be really good at math stuff you're going to be really good at yeah but if you are really good at it like say like if something comes along it says you're to be really good at math yeah but you really want to be a musician like who the fuck is to tell you that you can't be a musician dr ken perfect example dr ken jong yeah ken jong was a was a doctor yeah like really recently and good act apparently it's a really good doctor and he's like you know i was doing this acting thing and doing comedy and i like that better i'm making a good living at it i'm gonna do that instead and he's funny and he's great at that he's phenomenal at I just think there's a lot of people who like to do a lot of things.

[1883] Like, look, what if someone told me that I could either be a cage fighting commentator or a comedian?

[1884] I couldn't be both.

[1885] Right.

[1886] Or have a podcast, you know, either you do a podcast or, you know, you do something else.

[1887] That's it.

[1888] One of the other.

[1889] I'd be like, well, how come?

[1890] Or I can just do it all.

[1891] Like, I got time.

[1892] What the fuck you want to do, man?

[1893] Yeah.

[1894] Like, that's the beautiful thing, one of the most beautiful things about life is people deciding what they want to focus their energy on.

[1895] And then you see the fruits of their labor.

[1896] Like someone who does.

[1897] murals.

[1898] Like they could just decide.

[1899] I want to do really fucking cool murals or someone who makes music or someone who writes books.

[1900] Like you could just decide.

[1901] And when you got someone telling you what you can and can't do, that just becomes all fucked up, man. Well, yeah, it's the, it's the reverse psychology thing where you almost go, you almost go against it, like even if it makes sense.

[1902] Just because you're like, I don't like you telling me to do that.

[1903] Oh, yeah, man. People, people just, it's not a natural aspect of, for some people, it's natural.

[1904] Some people enjoy being told what to do.

[1905] Some people They need that guidance in their life.

[1906] They like it.

[1907] And then there's also some people that like being ordered around.

[1908] There's like dominant and submissive people.

[1909] There's people that enjoy that.

[1910] And there's nothing wrong with that either.

[1911] That makes you happy.

[1912] It's fine.

[1913] Freedom, man. Freedom to be submissive is just as much of a freedom as the freedom to be free.

[1914] You know, freedom to be an artist.

[1915] Freedom to be a doctor.

[1916] Fucking let let people figure out what their thing is.

[1917] Even from families, man I mean, how many fucking people?

[1918] Like, I know a dude And his family disowned him No, no, I'm sorry His family disowned his sister Because his sister Didn't marry a doctor He's his, the dad Put the girl through a nursing school With the hopes that the girl would marry a doctor Not only that she could be a nurse Just so she can marry So she can marry a doctor Dad's a total piece of shit And the dad's a total piece of shit disowned her and because she married some fucking mechanic or something like that she fell in love with some regular dude the world is just filled with stories like that of yeah for a while my parents told me that I could only marry a dwarf because any tall woman would only want me for either a sick fetish or for fame or for money or something like that yeah I mean they they've they've since changed their tune but did you bring up Peter Dinkland she's got a regular size gal yes he does no no they You said that with the eyebrow ready.

[1919] Oh, yeah.

[1920] I like the tall women.

[1921] I like them.

[1922] Why not, man?

[1923] If they like you.

[1924] You're right?

[1925] Why not?

[1926] And that and, like, I have shelves in my house.

[1927] I would love to get used.

[1928] Yeah, get up there, bitch.

[1929] I'm tired of using ladders.

[1930] Exactly.

[1931] I would love to put things up there.

[1932] Go get the fancy plates.

[1933] Tonight, we're eating off the fire in China.

[1934] Yeah, you see those baked beans at the top shelf?

[1935] Go grab them.

[1936] That, like, that's, like, that's dwarf porn.

[1937] Dwarf porn is just watching people reach shit.

[1938] And you're just sitting there like, oh, God, I want to do that one day.

[1939] That's so hot.

[1940] Do you worry, like, as a stand -up that there's going to be a certain amount of, like, dwarf jokes, the way you'll hit, like, a wall?

[1941] Yeah, I do.

[1942] I mean, but the thing is...

[1943] Like, this is your first special?

[1944] Yes, this is my first hour special.

[1945] I've had...

[1946] I have two albums out, and then this is the third special, or the third hour that's being put out there.

[1947] And what are the albums out?

[1948] called and where you get them if they want to get them yeah on iTunes they're called Brad Williams coming up short and then the second album is called hi -ho and yeah and they're available on iTunes they're available on my website Brad Williamscombe .com if you order them from my website I'll sign them and send them to you oh shit look at that it's worth about five cents more all right so yeah and but the thing is is that like my jokes are always going to have a little person perspective because I don't know how to write any other way.

[1949] They're not necessarily going to be dwarf jokes.

[1950] Like, hey, I can, like, isn't this weird?

[1951] I wear this size shirt or whatever the fuck.

[1952] Like, it's not going to be, I always use this example that a guy told me to say on stage.

[1953] He's like, I wrote a joke for you.

[1954] I was like, what's that?

[1955] He goes, you go on stage and say, you can take a bath in a thimble.

[1956] It's going to be hilarious.

[1957] And I was like, all right, thanks.

[1958] Good.

[1959] So that's like my example of like the cheesy dwarf joke But no matter what I do No matter what I experience It's always going to be through that perspective Simply because I don't know what it's like If it's that different to experience things Through the eyes of a 5 foot 8 guy I don't know I'm not familiar with it I don't know if it's different It might be exactly the same Do you think that you'll ever get to a point Where it just doesn't even get addressed?

[1960] Like say if you become a...

[1961] famous comic and you're, you know, 20 years in and you're, you know, doing specials right on a regular basis like every two, three years.

[1962] Everybody knows who you are.

[1963] Everybody knows what you do.

[1964] I would, I would imagine, because right now it's at a point where when I go on stage, I have to talk about it.

[1965] Because the entire audience is like, yo, what's this?

[1966] What's up with this?

[1967] I got, I got a note because people aren't that familiar with little people.

[1968] It's an experience that a lot of people aren't necessarily, and there's a lot of nuances to it that some people just aren't like quite aware of so and they have a lot of questions so I go on stage and I address those questions but I don't want you to think that my entire act is just like dwarf joke right no like I go in to run out right yeah there's only there's only so many things that that you can cover right now in the new hour that I'm trying to get together a lot of the jokes are just like this is what my life is like these are the stories that happen to me that are weird fuck that you wouldn't that your advertised person wouldn't even consider and you don't think about and it's not necessarily like if I fall off a curb that's a long way man you know it's not like that it's just like when a dude got like when and I won't do the joke but like a guy I got to a car accident with a guy and he got out and and when he saw me he can give a fuck about the car accident he was just like whoa all right let's talk about this and he just started asking me questions.

[1969] Wow.

[1970] Is that a normal thing for you?

[1971] Does that happen?

[1972] Yeah, like people have...

[1973] Is that uncomfortable?

[1974] Did you annoy you?

[1975] The fact that he wasn't angry about the fact that I fucked up his car.

[1976] I was like, whatever.

[1977] So you hit him.

[1978] Oh, it was totally my fault.

[1979] I was texting while driving, like, oh, fucking idiot.

[1980] Never do that, people.

[1981] My fault.

[1982] Um, so yeah, I wrecked his car.

[1983] Like, he didn't care.

[1984] He's like, dude, this is awesome.

[1985] Like, you just start talking about being a little person.

[1986] I'm like, whatever, whatever distracts you, bro, it's fine.

[1987] You're an elf who just showed up.

[1988] Yeah, like...

[1989] How bizarre.

[1990] Do you have phone books taped to your pedals and stuff like that?

[1991] I have a pedal extenders.

[1992] So it's kind of close.

[1993] So it's like metal rods that you put on and you attach and then you put that have a pedal on top of it.

[1994] Brian, don't you remember that dude who drove us around?

[1995] Oh, yeah, in Texas.

[1996] Yeah, the guy had no arms and no legs.

[1997] He had nubs.

[1998] Yeah.

[1999] No shit.

[2000] And he drove us around.

[2001] We got in the car and hand controls or what?

[2002] video of it.

[2003] Yeah, we have video of Joe Show 10, I believe.

[2004] Was that available?

[2005] Can you people find that?

[2006] I think it's on YouTube, yeah.

[2007] Wow.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] See if you can find that, Jamie.

[2010] We'll end with that.

[2011] But yeah, he drives around with his elbows, and he was like spinning, you know, the steering wheel and...

[2012] Necessity is the mother intervention.

[2013] Yeah, this, there was a trip.

[2014] He was a really good dude.

[2015] And he was drunk, I think.

[2016] I don't know if he was drunk.

[2017] I didn't breathalize him.

[2018] Yeah.

[2019] Oh, look at that.

[2020] Yeah, he's got the nubs.

[2021] I forgot about him.

[2022] That was...

[2023] His good, rear naked defense.

[2024] Yeah, he just slips out of it.

[2025] Yeah, and this guy drives around.

[2026] He drives us around in his van.

[2027] Wow.

[2028] Yeah, there's a part right after here where he actually shows him driving, I think.

[2029] Wow.

[2030] Yeah.

[2031] And then his other friend, what was he up with his other friend again?

[2032] Oh, his other friend was paralyzed.

[2033] He was in a wheelchair, and he was heckling, and he wouldn't stop heckling, so I taught a girl who's in the front row with him how to choke him unconscious.

[2034] So she choked the dude out.

[2035] Oh, this is in Cap City.

[2036] Yeah, yeah.

[2037] Cap City Comic Club in Austin.

[2038] Yeah.

[2039] I record my first album there.

[2040] That place is awesome, man. Love that club.

[2041] I showed this part.

[2042] This is the good part.

[2043] So is this the guy with no arms who's heckling?

[2044] No, this is his friend.

[2045] Oh, okay.

[2046] I talked to his friend into choking him unconscious.

[2047] There was a girl that was with him, and I explained to her how she could get him in a weird naked choking.

[2048] Tom from my place.

[2049] It's my space edition.

[2050] Then does she choke him out?

[2051] Well, yeah, she eventually did.

[2052] I coaxed her through it.

[2053] I forgot all about this.

[2054] These people were so drunk and so stupid.

[2055] Can you right or left?

[2056] Squeeze that motherfucker.

[2057] That's Tate.

[2058] That's awesome.

[2059] You know you have to be ruining a show when the audience is encouraging to lose consciousness.

[2060] A woman who just showed her tits to choke a man who's in a wheelchair.

[2061] unconscious she put him out it was hilarious you're looking that dude didn't die like don't sue the shit out of you no no no look at this yeah how's a valet gonna utilize that equipment oh valets fucking hate me it was fun man with and yeah would you valet your car no like i like i pull up and i just go dude let me do it I would imagine, right?

[2062] Like, they probably would have to have their knees up way high.

[2063] Yeah, yeah, yeah, because, and like, I've got my car.

[2064] I've got my seat at the perfect spot where I can see the mirror.

[2065] The steering wheel's good.

[2066] I can reach everything.

[2067] It's good.

[2068] And then the valet gets, and they just fuck it up.

[2069] So I just tell them, hey, I'll pay the valet fee.

[2070] Just let me park it.

[2071] I'll come out.

[2072] Like, just do that.

[2073] Are there certain cars you can use and certain cars you can't use?

[2074] Like, certain cars you can't adjust properly?

[2075] Yeah.

[2076] Like the car I have right now, I've got a Lexus CT, which is a little hatchback hybrid.

[2077] and I didn't have to do too much to it I got pedal extenders on that that were very small and then the seat moves up a lot but also their steering wheel extends out so I my arms are good because my arms are small but yes I was able to grab the steering wheel I could drive that thing with not too much modification the only thing I had to do was I also had to pop the airbag because I'm really close to the steering wheel so if that airbag goes off it takes your head off yeah I'm gone you ever seen people's faces and they get hit with that airbag They're a bad fucking Give you some black eyes, man It looks like they got hit with a waffle iron They got those lines on their face That's a good way to put it Yeah And I got to tell this to you Based on watching that video Thank you Because you treated that guy and his friend Like an equal You're just like no You're in the front row You're your buddy's heckling I don't care that you got no arms Well there was 300 other people In the show that he was ruining it for Right But people have to deal with And you and we could all agree on this.

[2078] When you're doing a show and someone is heckling, it's not just you, this person's fucking it up for you.

[2079] They're fucking up for the whole room.

[2080] That's why everybody gets angry at them.

[2081] Yeah.

[2082] It's like people don't understand that.

[2083] Like there's this thing, like you're trying to put on a show.

[2084] And when someone jumps in like that, like that person needs to be stopped at all costs.

[2085] Yeah.

[2086] Like when I get a heckler, it's why I, like some people say when a comic will go on stage and they get a heckler and then they get they're like oh but he this woman was heckling him and then he said that she should go get raped by a thousand dicks it's like he's not thinking or she's not thinking what's politically correct at that moment your only thought is shut the fuck up yeah be as mean as possible as hilarious and also reflect the attitude of the room right because the room they're fucking angry like if you they want to say something like that but they can't right you know so you're the voice of that yeah they're 15 20 rows back and if you say I hope you get raped by a thousand dicks like yeah they don't really think that right no but that's when you violate the agreement the agreement is I come to a show yeah that's it that's the agreement you come you're an audience member you're not a part of the show and you're interrupting bits that are planned out in advance you're interrupting time you're making it all about you you're a selfish fuck right and I hate that excuse of well you should be a professional it's part of the job that is part of the job yeah that I shut you to fuck up yeah that is part of the possible but the idea that you should be a professional meaning that like this is like they you should just deal with it and you shouldn't say anything mean yeah but without saying anything controversial fuck you no even know what this job is you don't you have no idea like people think that just because they paid money to come see you they can sort of dictate how you do it well yeah it's the same way with same way with the movies I paid money to see this X -Men movie it must be to my liking yeah Cyclops is wearing the wrong outfit con cunts Cunts.

[2087] Avengers, right?

[2088] Avengers on X -Men.

[2089] I got to remember.

[2090] All right, Brad Williams, Funny Brad, on Twitter, and your special is May 8th.

[2091] May 8th, Brad Williams' fun -size.

[2092] Which is really soon, right?

[2093] That's like this week.

[2094] It's a great cover.

[2095] What's today?

[2096] This Friday?

[2097] Yeah, today is the 6th?

[2098] Oh, two days away.

[2099] Yeah.

[2100] Showtime, Brad Williams, and then the other ones are available on iTunes.

[2101] You do a Brad Williams search or go to Brad Williams' comedy.

[2102] And the podcast that I do with Adam Ray is called About Last Night.

[2103] Mr. Redband is a guest on a very future episode.

[2104] We've had Melissa McCarthy.

[2105] We've had Bottsaggett.

[2106] We've got a lot of cool people on there.

[2107] Hopefully in the future of Joe Rogan.

[2108] And listen.

[2109] And I'm really glad I finally got to do this because, like I said, years ago, I hated you, having never met you.

[2110] And now...

[2111] I hate it.

[2112] Never hated you, dude.

[2113] There you go.

[2114] I'm glad we got together, too.

[2115] It was fun.

[2116] Thanks, buddy.

[2117] Brad Williams, ladies and gentlemen, see you fucker soon.

[2118] Bye -bye.

[2119] You've never been on a roller coaster?

[2120] Oh, I've been on.

[2121] Yeah.

[2122] Okay.