#186 - Ari Shaffir

[0] The Joe Rogan experience.

[1] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[2] Oh, yeah.

[3] Oh, he's going to know.

[4] Yeah.

[5] He said that after he beat BJ Penn. Oh, my God.

[6] Isn't that the coolest thing ever?

[7] That is.

[8] Yeah, he said that after he beat BJ Penn. We're like, oh, shit, we've got to get a recording of that.

[9] Any upcoming fighters, if you want to have your own Joe Rogan experience opening, just say it after you win.

[10] and we'll put you on We'll stick it in there We'll give you some proppers So silver Oh yeah Some jet waterpipes .com sent us the coolest bong ever It's badass That was that high tech one?

[11] Yeah That's pretty cool Yeah You know what it is It's exactly like Dyson for bongs Like even their website Like if you go to their website It's just like a Dyson website It's so nicely crafted And then you don't have to like pull out the card for it to You know to take a hit You just push down this little thing And it opens up the car for you.

[12] So it's just, it's an awesome bong.

[13] I've used many, many bongs before, but that one is just tight.

[14] I want to get rid really bad.

[15] They took it to the next level.

[16] Yeah.

[17] They did.

[18] How did you clear out that bowl?

[19] You pull down a little the stem has like a little lever on it.

[20] And then you can take it out and pop it out?

[21] Oh, the bowl.

[22] Yeah, the bowl just unscrews.

[23] Okay, you can wash it out.

[24] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[25] And it won't break either.

[26] It's not made as a super delicate shit.

[27] I broke the bomb that's at the ice house.

[28] Oh no. Really?

[29] knocked it over at the mic cord like a retard yeah and bong water smells awesome bon water smells horrible yeah i peed on and there's no way you're cleaning that out every day you gotta get some of that stuff that you get a pet co from when your cat pisses that's what i use that's so funny you said that i use that you ever cat the pisses in your house yeah we talked about a couple weeks ago pissed all over my fucking bed oh that's right and my fucking couch i just found out what's that what's that about like he's trying to tell you something like you're a punk what's i you know it had a urinary infection of some kind and that's what it was from because now she's not doing it, but...

[30] They use that as an excuse.

[31] I think they just like pissing on you.

[32] Yeah, I think they get mad.

[33] Yeah, the urinary tract infection doesn't make them pee in one specific spot.

[34] They just...

[35] Yeah, I know when they...

[36] When they put like a bird on your, like, pillow, that's them trying to give you a gift.

[37] Right.

[38] Like that's...

[39] Yeah, exactly.

[40] Or in your front doorstep.

[41] Yeah.

[42] They're presenting that to you and letting you know they like you.

[43] My other theory is that my dog has been at my Vron's house for the last couple weeks.

[44] And so the dog, when it's usually in town, just like starts, like, chasing the cat.

[45] And, like, it's, so I think because now that dog's gone, the cat's like, oh, yeah, I'm a pee on where you always like to sit.

[46] Oh, I see.

[47] So, wait a minute.

[48] Are you leaving the cat alone by itself a lot?

[49] No, I mean, the dog's just hanging out with Varon's dog at her house so they can play together every time.

[50] Right, but are you ever at Veron's house and not at your house for extended periods of time?

[51] No, not more than a day or so.

[52] I think that's what it is.

[53] But, yeah, I've left them.

[54] I left them for weeks.

[55] Yeah, but he knows the dog's not there.

[56] So he should be all lonely or weirdly lonely.

[57] yeah it's got two cats they like that they don't they hate each other though no they're just ones a boy one's an old lady she's old she's old she's cranky the old one hates the other one though she's old right everyone everyone she hates the dog hates most people what a bitch yeah fucking old cats get fucking either they they stay cool or they just become a psycho when chicks get old when they get like 45 they start hating 20 year olds that's really normal yeah it's in dogs too she's stupid shut up oldie yeah oh man People get real angry.

[58] Women get angry when you don't want to fuck them anymore.

[59] It's a weird thing, especially if they've put like a big part of who they are.

[60] In that.

[61] Yeah.

[62] They're invested in that.

[63] The big part of their identity and people want to fuck them.

[64] Is it a hot or whatever that is?

[65] Yeah.

[66] When that shit goes away, man, it's rough.

[67] You better catch that.

[68] You imagine, I would have loved to have seen what would I. Do you remember who's that woman?

[69] She was in body heat, Kathleen Turner.

[70] Kathleen Turner.

[71] You remember what she looked like when she was young?

[72] Yeah, what was she in?

[73] She was...

[74] Remencing the Stone?

[75] Yes.

[76] I think body heat was...

[77] Or was that Sharon Stone.

[78] Was Sharon Stone Romance and Stone?

[79] She was one of them.

[80] She was the fake one with Michael Douglas.

[81] They were both the same people.

[82] Was it?

[83] And then the War of the Roses came later.

[84] No, there was like two.

[85] I guess I'm thinking that Romancing the Stone is like a fake Indiana Jones.

[86] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[87] It was what it was in my head.

[88] It was like a little comedy.

[89] I just remember sliding down the legs in between the heads.

[90] I feel like there was a fake one with Sharon stone.

[91] Like a similar...

[92] Maybe that's body heat.

[93] No, no, no, no. I mean like a similar sort of like romance sort of a swashbuckler adventure type movie, like really similar.

[94] The only thing I remember else she did was Sliver.

[95] And I was just like, oh, she was so hot, base against instinct and it's sliver was such a letdown.

[96] I remember when I saw Total Recall that you're like, she was barely, I mean, she was in it, but not like it wasn't like a main and you're like, wait, who's that girl?

[97] Right.

[98] She was so hot in the first basic instinct.

[99] Yeah.

[100] But in the second one, she was so gross.

[101] Really?

[102] Why?

[103] Because she was trying to be hot and sexy again.

[104] And it was just like it was like a bomb.

[105] It looked like a bomb that was like seconds from going off.

[106] That's what it's like that's the comfort level.

[107] The shell is breaking apart.

[108] That's the comfort level that you would have if you fucked her.

[109] It would be that feeling where you would be terrified that you were going to just stick your dick in her and she's just going to crumble in the dust and her soul would screech away.

[110] She crossed her legs.

[111] She did that same crossing the legs thing and you're like hey what the fuck oh this is not right it was like she was trying to be sexy and slinky and there's a completely different kind of sexy that older ladies have they can still pull off some sexy like women even in their 50s can still pull off some graduate lady was pretty sexy yeah but she wasn't 50s you got to be like you got like slowly creep up on a dude and like endear yourself with your affection you can't like spread your legs like you're 20 anymore it doesn't work that's it's it's Not only does it, I got to think of how many times have you done that?

[112] How many times have you done that over the years?

[113] Do you have creases on the sides of your thighs from opening your legs as wide as possible?

[114] So many thousands of thousands of times a year.

[115] Is that what the fuck's going on here?

[116] You're, you know, you're 50 years old and you're showing me your pussy.

[117] Hey, slow down.

[118] That's a jewel.

[119] Does that happen?

[120] Of course it happens.

[121] Of course it happens, dude.

[122] Of course it happens.

[123] Remember we're in Boston at the Chickapie place?

[124] and that crazy little redneck lady was like, you want to see my teeth?

[125] And we're like, I know you want to see my boobs.

[126] We do not.

[127] We do not.

[128] We're on the record as we don't.

[129] Come on.

[130] We're here they are.

[131] And they're just flat and hangy.

[132] They were disgusting.

[133] She had no idea.

[134] She didn't know that what she was showing us was a horror show.

[135] She didn't know.

[136] She thought it was something sexy.

[137] We look them there, there, there, right there.

[138] She had breastfed like nine children.

[139] They were monstrous.

[140] They were fat and they were flat.

[141] at the same time.

[142] They were everything that's wrong in a tit.

[143] Do you remember that?

[144] I barely remember.

[145] I just wanted us to see them.

[146] Remember we had a run out the side door?

[147] Yeah.

[148] When the second show, we didn't even stick around.

[149] There was so many knuckleheads in that crowd.

[150] Stupid fucking room.

[151] Horrible.

[152] Fucking packing up their Chinese food as they're on stage doing jokes.

[153] They're stuffed brown bags.

[154] They're stuffing them full of leftover Chinese food.

[155] I'm trying to deliver the stuff you've worked on for two years.

[156] Ari Shafere, a little bit of pretty Madonna.

[157] me I had a good time you wouldn't go back there a headline if they called you no I'll never call you again you're done it's not a place for comedy no I wouldn't go back either it wasn't I stopped doing those rooms yeah well it wasn't the best room didn't a girl go on stage she just like stepped right on stage take a picture with me okay just all right oh that's a picture I guess yeah I was probably the same girl she walked on stage the middle of my set and wanted to take a picture I'm like get the fuck out of here yeah What, you know, do you never see anybody, you know, outside of your neighborhood before?

[158] Do you have all your teeth?

[159] Can I take your picture?

[160] The Western Massachusetts is very tricky.

[161] Parts of it are beautiful, like Amherst, where UMass is.

[162] Fucking gorgeous town.

[163] Great town.

[164] It's a cool, like, it's a really interesting place because it's really intelligent.

[165] And, you know, because of the college, it's pretty much any college town is going to have a higher level of intellect or at least curiosity.

[166] Cambridge, great place.

[167] Okay.

[168] amazing place but that's you know the city of Boston essentially it's just a suburb of it but when you're in Boulder perfect example Boulder great town one of the reasons why it's a great town and so people are so smart there it's because the university's there you know it always helps having a university in a town but god damn it doesn't make a bunch of fucking bleeding hearts too a bunch of liberal pussies too that's the other problem yeah man you can't have it oh yeah there's not a lot of manly intellectuals in those towns.

[169] You know, it becomes like really, I don't want to say manly.

[170] And, you know, you know, if you're fucking, you got too much liberal in there, you pussy.

[171] Because at a certain point, you grow up to the point where like, if you're bump into somebody, you're like, oh, sorry, I didn't do that on purpose, did you?

[172] Okay, cool.

[173] Sorry about that.

[174] You just walk away.

[175] You don't have to fucking fight.

[176] Yeah.

[177] Like a fucking dummy.

[178] No, that's not what I mean.

[179] What I mean is there's too many hippies.

[180] There's too many people that don't have their shit together.

[181] there's too many people like man I don't even need many men I just need this backpack and you know and people start tolerating those people like dude okay yeah it's not society's not perfect you're right you're right it's not perfect but you can't camp here you can't camp in front of my house you got to get the fuck out of here you know there's there's too much of that there there's too much of people who only want to look at the super liberal super open -minded point of view and a really interesting there was a I think I talked about this but there was that Rick Santorum guy was doing a debate, not a debate, but a thing when we're sitting in front of a really liberal college in New Hampshire, and he was talking, and they were talking to him about marriage.

[182] And he's like, I think marriage is between a man and woman.

[183] They say, why can't it be between a man and a man?

[184] He goes, okay, what about this?

[185] What about three men?

[186] Is that still marriage?

[187] No, no, that's different.

[188] Well, who's to say?

[189] So why can it be three men?

[190] It's a really good point.

[191] No, but why can it be?

[192] Why can it be?

[193] Yeah, it should be able to.

[194] When people say, what is next, a dog, like, yeah, okay.

[195] Unless you clearly say the dog doesn't want it.

[196] The dog, I don't think so, because the dog can't say, yes, I do.

[197] How about a tree?

[198] No, no, it can't.

[199] She's fine.

[200] Why not?

[201] Maybe it's a union between human beings.

[202] Two people to consent.

[203] Yeah, a loving union between human beings.

[204] Why can't you have three?

[205] Why can't you have four?

[206] Five.

[207] But these people were -Zambar and what's his name, married, Sandra Bernhardt of the other lady?

[208] Or Zambar and Tom Arnold married somebody else.

[209] Oh, really?

[210] Yeah, like together they married her.

[211] Oh, I don't remember that at all.

[212] Yeah.

[213] That's interesting.

[214] but these people didn't want to hear it they're like you know you're being irrelevant he's like why if it's I'm saying it's a man or woman it's been a man and woman for thousands of years you're saying it should be a man a man and I'm saying why not two men why how about two women can three women get married can a man marry three women why and he's right why why can't they it should be wine and wine what's the problem yeah I mean people should the social stigma of it should be everything who cares it should all it should take that's it if people go if people look at you and go look at this crazy asshole with his three wives like i don't even want to hang around with him that should be his punishment yeah yeah but why yeah i don't get why you shouldn't be yeah exactly the only punishment should be if people think it's weird those people won't like you that's the only punishment but these people it was really fascinating the way they were treating that that dilemma in the audience you know they couldn't see that all it was just as close -minded as the people the guy was anti -gay marriage it's just as close -minded.

[215] They're like, no, you're being irrelevant.

[216] This is pointless.

[217] This is a straw man. Straw man argument, man. I think they should be allowed to do that stuff.

[218] There's my theory on why people are against changing the marriage ideas, changing gay marriage to include it.

[219] It's because they value their type of marriage.

[220] And when you allow other people to enter it, that is not your type of marriage, the one man on one girl, it like cheapens the value of what you have.

[221] I would say that may be true, but if that was the case, how come nobody got mad at the bachelor or who wants to marry a millionaire or any of those fucking stupid shows.

[222] I mean, if anything did devalue what marriage is, it's drive -through marriage casinos in Vegas.

[223] Yeah.

[224] I'm sure they were against.

[225] They didn't like that when they heard about it.

[226] Yeah, but it's legal.

[227] Yeah, but that's totally legal.

[228] How can be not fighting that?

[229] You're right.

[230] I mean, you could just drive into a place and Elvis can marry you in Vegas.

[231] What are they just holding on?

[232] They're just holding on to like, it's just this way.

[233] This is what I have in common that you don't.

[234] It's a man and a girl.

[235] It's just people are assholes.

[236] they care about stupid shit why would you care you know look I don't give a fuck what anybody else does you know the only reason I got married because it makes my wife feel good she likes it anybody gets married that's why women like it the women like it they like to be able to tell their friends are married look I had kids with her and I'm not going anywhere I love it I'm super happy if it's written on paper or not I'm not going anywhere but when you see things written on paper for some people it has this like is extra significance or culturally are allowed to say, no, we're married.

[237] You know, like, this is the level of commitment.

[238] And the fact that you're legally entangled, you know, even though it's like a ridiculous notion to get legally entangled with a person, especially when there's 60 % of them get divorced and have to lose all their money and sort out their funds.

[239] Yeah, most of them.

[240] They are not going to last.

[241] But, so why should you get involved?

[242] Because you love someone so much, that's how my approach was.

[243] I'm like, I'm willing to do your ridiculous shit.

[244] Financially marry them forever?

[245] Yeah.

[246] But, but, you know, in looking at it that way in just discussing it it's all ridiculous all marriage is ridiculous what matters is how do you feel about a person do you love them do you love being around them do you express that do you have something really special together boom doesn't have to be written down and a bunch of other assholes get to agree that you're legit now oh that's fucking silliness and so why would gay people want it the only reason is for insurance purposes So you can physically get sick ones in the hospital, you know, loved ones.

[247] But you should be able to do it with a boyfriend or a best friend.

[248] How about if you don't have a loved one?

[249] And I'm, you and me or the, I'm your my only friend in town.

[250] And if I get sick, I'll say, please contact Ari Shafir.

[251] I don't have parents.

[252] Ari Shafir is my best friend.

[253] If you contact him, why can't you do that?

[254] What if you move in with a chick after like three weeks?

[255] Then you have to go to the hospital.

[256] You're like, fucking let her visit.

[257] What are you trying to say?

[258] Abortion?

[259] Is that what you were in?

[260] Yeah.

[261] Is gay marriage legal in Canada?

[262] Yeah.

[263] Pretty across the board.

[264] Really?

[265] A lot of people don't know though Of course it should be legal Of course it's silly But here's why When it devalues their marriage I feel like the same As when a black person moves onto your block And it devalies the property of your home And that's exactly what you're sort of doing You're like I don't want them here What if, you know Like Neil Tyson moved in On your neighborhood That doesn't deval your home at all But it does Do you really think that would devalue it Is Neil Tyson The really famous astrophysist Oh Black guy brilliant, super genius dude You never seen him Great YouTube clips property of your house.

[266] How could it?

[267] He's a super genius.

[268] You know how it could.

[269] Super racist wouldn't know.

[270] They drive by and go, oh.

[271] And he has kids and they assume his kids will steal.

[272] Sure.

[273] Can you imagine that?

[274] How long is that going to be around for?

[275] How long is that going to be around for?

[276] My mom, we had these tennis people move under my block.

[277] It was a nice black family, and then their kids inherited it after a while, and they had their, they were a little, I don't know, wherever they were from.

[278] But, like, they were more party people, and they had a car parked in there with some bullet holes in it.

[279] so my mom just started referring to them as the murderers the murderers homes they had a car with some bullet holes in it god damn we just didn't see that holy shit yeah wow who shot at them did you ever ask him no no talk of the murderers wow those are the murderers yeah I mean I didn't think they were murderers but that's actually casually referred to them that's actually you were trained now that was in your little head it is fascinating how much how few white people can relate to like really poor black people yeah and in crime -ridden neighborhoods oh you know this is very like district nine than it is yeah like your life yeah yeah dude really bad neighborhoods like you've seen well especially like in Africa you've seen the the documentaries you ever seen the vice piece on Liberia uh -oh dude they just ended their war do you want to think it's the end of the world watch the vice piece on Liberia where they're eating regular cannibalism normal regular cannibalism in this guy this during the war yeah they talk about it's children they would kill children they would go over there and kill the children sacrifice them and eat their heart where they were alive drink their blood do all because it made them like they believe that it made them invulnerable in battle charles taylor he was a crazy dictator but nobody knows him just because his name is too normal really who wasn't he was that dictator in liberia that took power charles taylor was vicious what a brilliant move just have a really normal son of name nobody knows about it way worse than gaddafi or any of these people we thought were bad really horrible what was it was his story he was he He let all that stuff.

[280] What was his name again?

[281] Charles what?

[282] Charles Taylor.

[283] Oh, maybe I'm too stoned.

[284] I better be.

[285] I think that's the guy who makes Converse All -Stars?

[286] Chuck Taylor.

[287] That's Chuck Taylor.

[288] You sure it wasn't Dave Taylor.

[289] Yeah, Liberia.

[290] Charles Taylor.

[291] Yeah, not too stoned.

[292] You got it.

[293] You nailed it.

[294] The paranoid that I got it wrong.

[295] He was the 22nd president of Liberia from 1997 until his resignation in 2003.

[296] My friends of college had to flee.

[297] Really?

[298] Yeah.

[299] Whoa.

[300] Scary fucking place, man. Jesus Christ.

[301] It's Africa scary.

[302] There's so many spots that are so goddamn scary.

[303] They do what they won't.

[304] Why did your people take down Tower 7?

[305] Well, we talked about it.

[306] After a while, we realized, you know, I may as well just take everything down.

[307] I thought it was an insurance thing.

[308] An insurance thing?

[309] Yeah, it's like, it was old.

[310] If I can't do anything.

[311] Is that what it is?

[312] Top two gone.

[313] Just knock it down.

[314] You just decided to be better if it was a total loss.

[315] Yeah, they probably ran it like a slum.

[316] Could you imagine if you actually did have buildings already set up?

[317] If every building was set up with explosives.

[318] So at any point, they could just look like that up?

[319] Yeah.

[320] So you don't have to write rig it.

[321] Like, that was like a thing.

[322] Well, when you want to get your building demolished, here's a good thing.

[323] You just press this button, the building goes away.

[324] Yeah.

[325] And you just have to, you know, hire some monkeys to fucking pick up the pieces.

[326] You imagine if that's how they did every building?

[327] They couldn't because everybody would be like, people would be just trying to blow up.

[328] Was there another plane that was supposed to go that way?

[329] Supposedly.

[330] When was that going to happen?

[331] They locked it off too fast.

[332] Well, I mean, there was a bunch of planes.

[333] One of them that got shot down that was supposedly, they don't know where that was headed.

[334] They might have been headed for the White House.

[335] Yeah, that's what they said was headed south.

[336] that was 93 that was the one that they said that the people brought it down but the that's roll yeah but um not yeah rumsfeld actually made a mistake in an interview and said it got shot down really yeah he said uh you know in 93 uh they shot down uh 93 uh flight 93 he like said it before and there's a lot of people that are positive that it was shot down because of how far the debris was yeah the debris went as far as like seven miles and so we're going yeah and then they made that you know that i've heard that that before let's roll thing i've heard that before and my thought on that was like that'd be okay if they shot that down yeah like clearly by the other three like it's going to be it's going to fly into something yeah there were you have to shoot it down that's a tough choice but you got to do that there were eyewitnesses they said that they saw fighter jets you know who knows you know either way it's it's horrific if they crashed it's horrific if it got shot down but it's somehow another people want to know about that the mystery the mystery of what happened do you think as they were starting to hijack someone in the middle conversation going and do you know they They checked my bag.

[337] They checked the whole fucking bag.

[338] You know, because it was pre -9 -11.

[339] Oh, yeah.

[340] Before, they didn't check things as much.

[341] They were still pissed about it.

[342] They probably were still too much security for a lot of people.

[343] Some people were probably upset.

[344] But the whole let's...

[345] My take on it is when Bush got on...

[346] When they told the whole story, the whole let's roll story, you know, that the guy said let's roll as they got out and they were going to go fight the terrorists and they brought the plane down.

[347] Yeah.

[348] My bullshit alarm was hit 10.

[349] You're like that's a little too honorable.

[350] It was like, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[351] ding ding ding my bullshit alarm was just going off i was like this is a story i have no idea but it does sound like a great story this is like jessica lynch remember they they had that story where they said that they had rescued her and a hail of gunfire because she was being imprisoned by the iraqis and they saved her this brave pretty girl when it turns out she was actually in a hospital there was no gunfire at all oh yeah it's horseshit they made up a horse shit story and she came out public with it and people gave her death threats because she went against the story yeah oh dude she got a lot of death threats what was the story her story was quite simple she got she there was some sort of a firefight or some sort of a military incident she was injured yeah she was brought into a hospital they came and got her from the hospital and they brought her back home okay that's her story that's what really happened what the united states said was that they had to go and rescue her and they went in guns blazing to go get one of our own and that didn't happen they did not happen what did happen just that just they went and got her at the hospital oh they went to the hospital got her brought her home then they concocted she was in a local hospital she was in a hospital in iraq and they concocted a crazy story pretending that she was you know that they had rescued her but all they got there they were like a medicant here she is and then another example is that um the uh football player what the fuck's name oh yeah maybe so many human resources is really gay and he's just like oh my god they went in there and they just destroyed everything you know like he just writes these press releases that are just over exact you know it might be just a guy I'm sure it's one person and one group actually gets to decide what the story would be but the point of it is there's a There's a normal Right but they made him a hero first Yeah They made him a hero first I think it's normal for them It's standard operational procedure For them to lie So anytime they get a situation To bullshit and spin the truth It seems to be the precedent It seems to be what they do You know Whenever there's some sort of a situation And then they tell you a story you can't prove that the let's roll is not real.

[352] Why didn't you have to go down?

[353] That's why I was wondered.

[354] Why did they took over the plane?

[355] Because they fought to get bitter in like Americans.

[356] They fought just somebody dover and they're going to die.

[357] They're going to die.

[358] And pow and pow and I don't know, man. I don't want to believe that, you know, I don't want to believe that they would lie that much.

[359] But I do believe that they would shoot that jet.

[360] If they thought it was coming to the White House, they would shoot that jet down.

[361] I think you should.

[362] I think you probably should too.

[363] It's going to get there and hit it.

[364] It's going to kill the people anyway.

[365] It's like you're making a decision.

[366] You're killing a field.

[367] If people can't take control of the jet, if it's, who knows?

[368] It's a tough decision, but they've just had three attacks.

[369] Yeah.

[370] Right or no road.

[371] They can't talk to this plane.

[372] They have no communication with it.

[373] It's going out of it's, out of where it's supposed to fly.

[374] Yeah.

[375] See if you could pull up to audio.

[376] Pull up the audio of Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 shot down.

[377] Just pull up that.

[378] Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 shot down.

[379] I think it's on YouTube.

[380] He could, of course, he could have also been a slip.

[381] He could have just, I fuck up all the time.

[382] I'll say, I'll say, to you, I'll say, Brian, why did you do that?

[383] He called Ari Brian.

[384] I'm like, no, I didn't.

[385] Because you don't even realize you did.

[386] He just.

[387] Rumsfeld was in the military too, right?

[388] What's that?

[389] He served in the military at some point?

[390] Rumsfeld, no. Never?

[391] Really?

[392] I thought all those little guys did it.

[393] No, no, that's the thing about all of them.

[394] If the people who bombed the best fall in Mosley, or the people who did the bombing in Spain, or the people who attacked the United States in New York, shot down the plane over Pennsylvania and attacked the Pentagon.

[395] shot down the plane over Pennsylvania he's referring he's referring to the people who did the bad things yeah that sounds like he was saying brought down the plane like shot down yeah like they brought it down they died but he was talking yeah he's talking about the bad people they wouldn't be the ones who would have shot it down anyway that's that's a bad video okay so now we know he didn't really say that i smoked moth poop today by accident there was this huge moth about this big that's been outside of my back patio for the last couple of days and it hasn't moved like a word at all And so I've been looking at it every day.

[396] I mean, hasn't been, hasn't moved at all.

[397] I don't know what I was trying to say that.

[398] Has it moved a word at all.

[399] But it was really cool because it's fur.

[400] Like there's like a little pass that had like cheetah fur.

[401] It looked like cheetah fur on it.

[402] Chea?

[403] Yeah.

[404] Chea pet.

[405] No, like cheetah.

[406] Like a cheetah.

[407] Oh, like a. Oh, I see.

[408] Like the pattern was like cheetah.

[409] And then there was like these weird parts that looked like almost like feathers of like an hour.

[410] It was just really weird like looking at it every day.

[411] And then today I shut the door really hard and it fell down.

[412] and it just started vibrating for about 10 minutes.

[413] Like, it wasn't dead.

[414] It was just vibrating.

[415] So I'm just sitting there looking at it.

[416] And then it shits out like this orange, fluorescent orange thing.

[417] I think it was shit, but it was like fluorescent orange.

[418] It looked really weird.

[419] Like, it didn't look real.

[420] And then it flew away out of nowhere.

[421] So I'm sitting there like, what the fuck is that orange stuff?

[422] Is it shit?

[423] It flew away.

[424] Yeah.

[425] So it fell to the ground, had an epileptic seizure.

[426] It had shit all over itself and then flew away.

[427] It just shit out like a like super, super small.

[428] little bubble of like fluorescent orange shit and so I'm sitting there like playing with it with a match stick and I'm just like looking at the orange shit and I put on the end of my cigarette and smoked it I don't know why I did it just to see what would have you got a real problem buddy it was weird looking it was orange see people are thinking there's a show in March 3rd you fuck where people keep saying Mark 3rd the you're fucked up on the yeah it's May 3rd it's May ladies and gentlemen the for people about um what's the there is a march third show in new in brea california yeah but uh we had it listed as march third and fourth or whatever the fuck it was in new york city it's not new york city's may so i apologize for that what's the venue you're doing um i don't know some theater what is it brant do you know uh no i know well we're do there's a ufc on fox um in new jersey manhattan center the manhattan center um and then at the tavern so we're at the manhattan center um and then at the Orinackel in Atlanta on 420.

[429] Oh shit.

[430] Crazy.

[431] I'm trying to do my special there.

[432] I was trying to organize it as quickly as possible.

[433] It's on April 20th, too?

[434] Yeah.

[435] I mean, it's like I have to.

[436] I feel like I have to.

[437] Yeah.

[438] I feel like I have to.

[439] Yeah, why not?

[440] You should do that.

[441] And all the people will be there, right?

[442] Doug Benson does every year.

[443] What, tapes a special every year on 420?

[444] Yeah, I think he tapes like a CD on 420, you know?

[445] Yeah.

[446] Which is a, he's, no one is more like marijuana connected.

[447] God, he says, it's an episode.

[448] It's inexorable.

[449] You can't pull the marijuana from...

[450] You can't recognize where does Doug end and the marijuana begin?

[451] Yeah.

[452] Where's the marijuana begin and, you know, and Doug end?

[453] You know what I mean?

[454] Yeah.

[455] This last time, that last ice house, he seriously, from the beginning to the end, did not stop packing bowl, smoking, packing bowl, smoking.

[456] Whenever people ask Doug Benson, are you good?

[457] I'm like, would you just give him another pipe, please?

[458] Yeah.

[459] Yeah, I've never seen anybody who keeps going on.

[460] Let him start refusing you.

[461] Which is what's really crazy is there's like a conspiracy that he doesn't really smoke weed.

[462] Because I guess he got on some.

[463] show somewhere and gave like a half -hearted bong hit and they're like he's not we know that is so far from the truth he's a fake stoner that is completely not right donald sutherland and invagely body snatchers when he found the woman at the end he said pointed her out remember that i don't i don't think i saw that one well it's like everybody had become one of the aliens you know they had been taken over by the body snatchers but a few people stayed awake and were surviving by you know by figuring out how to stay awake and this woman came up to Donald Sutherland because they were in the resistance together and she was like, hey, I finally got free, everything's fine.

[464] And he looked at it and went, wah!

[465] Because he had been taken over.

[466] I never saw that.

[467] Invasion of the body snatchers, dude.

[468] Is that a zombie movie?

[469] No, it's an alien movie.

[470] These pods.

[471] Dude, it's dope.

[472] It's an invasion of the body snatchers with Donald Sutherland is a fucking great movie.

[473] They did it with, not Meg Tilly?

[474] Yeah, Meg Tilly or Jennifer Tilly.

[475] I think it was Meg Tilly.

[476] Meg Tilly was the real kind of innocent one, and Jennifer Tilly was kind of like the Dirtyy one.

[477] Ditsy were in Dirty.

[478] She plays poker.

[479] The thing was Meg, yeah, she's apparently like a serious pro, right?

[480] We met her in Open Anthony.

[481] Yeah, yeah, she was cool.

[482] But Meg Tilly was her sister, and her sister was the star of the, there was a more modern version of Invaged the Body Sanchez.

[483] Still pretty fucking good, but God, I remember getting like a little action movie E, you know.

[484] It wasn't like as good as the first one.

[485] Donald Sutherland one is the shit.

[486] That's back when Donald Sutherland was just a fucking killer actor, too.

[487] And he still is.

[488] He still used...

[489] Animal House?

[490] Yeah.

[491] Donald Sutherland was fucking awesome, man. That evades of the Biasanters.

[492] I forgot about that.

[493] I'm going to see that this week.

[494] That's a good one, man. And whenever it's on Netflix.

[495] I saw it.

[496] What did I go see the other night?

[497] I saw that, uh, oh, I saw the Wolf movie.

[498] Which one?

[499] American War of Liga.

[500] Oh, the gray?

[501] How is it?

[502] It was, it was fun.

[503] It was fun.

[504] but it made it out like wolves are just jacking people left and right up there like he was hired to shoot wolves and the wolves were like were running at people full clip and he would take him out like it was a sniper like that's like one of the openings which never happens man wolves don't just run on people so often that you need a guy with a rifle who's a sniper picking the wolves off right that's not that's not real you know so these it was weird because like he saves a guy wolf's were like, they were like monsters in this movie.

[505] They weren't like wolves.

[506] They were like, he took wolves and gave them some, it was like some unnatural pack of wolves.

[507] They behaved completely unnatural.

[508] So it was like, it was, it was, it was, it was part of it that was hard to swallow.

[509] I would have liked it if they were diseased.

[510] I would have liked it if turned out that, yeah, they had got some fucking crazy radiation.

[511] He would experiment.

[512] Yeah.

[513] Yeah, that makes sense.

[514] But instead they try to play it off like these wolves are killing people.

[515] Wolves have only killed like a hundred people ever in the history of humanity.

[516] Really?

[517] Yeah, there's like a website where there's a Wikipedia, but there's also another website that documents wolf human deaths.

[518] And a big majority of them, I believe, are in Russia.

[519] I think in Russia, it's more common.

[520] They got meaner people up there and meaner wolves.

[521] They got more badass people.

[522] I can imagine seeing a wolf attack and a guy being killed and he would have to yell like, this is far rarer than you could imagine.

[523] Yeah.

[524] Well, it's super rare.

[525] A woman died like, I think in 2005 or something like that.

[526] In Alaska, but she was running.

[527] And I think if you fuck up and you just run by a wolf in the wrong time, they can't help but chase you.

[528] Right, like a dog.

[529] Just like a cat with a ball yarn.

[530] They say that's a big part of mountain line attacks is people are jogging or people are riding bikes and they just can't help.

[531] But the mountain line thinks they're running away.

[532] Which is the next operating system from, by the way, announced today.

[533] Mountain line, which is so weird.

[534] It seems like they're getting to the bottom of the barrel of cats.

[535] What's up with Apple and the whole cat thing?

[536] I don't know.

[537] It's just like, you know, Android with their, all their little names.

[538] They're just...

[539] They should name it after endangered species and see which product or animal gets extinct first.

[540] Yeah.

[541] Or name it after something smart as fuck.

[542] Well, cats are big on the internet.

[543] Like chimpanzee.

[544] Why can't that be the app, you know, Mac OS 20 chimpanzee?

[545] They don't have to leave cats.

[546] Maybe that'll be a...

[547] Yeah, maybe that'll be 20 from then on.

[548] You know what they'll do?

[549] They're just genetic engineering.

[550] Because now we're in cats.

[551] Yeah, because cats are pretty to look at.

[552] I don't want to see monkeys.

[553] I love chimp.

[554] I turn on my computer and see a big ape.

[555] I don't want to see that.

[556] How do you?

[557] It's like looking at a guy naked.

[558] I'd rather see a cat.

[559] Really?

[560] Yeah.

[561] Dude, I love looking at chimps.

[562] You don't like looking at chimps?

[563] No. It's weird, though.

[564] Do you think of it that way?

[565] You're so far removed for the animal side.

[566] No, no. I mean, like, if I go to the zoo, I love looking at monkeys and apes.

[567] But if I see it every day, I don't want to look at monkeys every day.

[568] But a cat's okay.

[569] Yeah, I can see cats every day all day.

[570] I could look at tigers almost every day because, To me, they're like Avatar.

[571] Yeah.

[572] That's what I'm saying.

[573] The tiger really is like an avatar creature.

[574] If tigers didn't exist and it was in the movie Avatar.

[575] It's so gigantic.

[576] The colors are spectacular.

[577] Right.

[578] You know, the whites and the black stripes and the yellow and orange.

[579] Like, tigers are amazing looking.

[580] Like, why would nature ever want you to be so beautiful and so fucking vicious?

[581] That's other animals' ways of watching out for the tiger protecting himself.

[582] Maybe.

[583] He got handicapped a little bit.

[584] Yeah, maybe.

[585] He may. Like, this guy's so badass.

[586] We've got to make them really.

[587] really bright.

[588] But guerrillas should be bright then if that was no, if you follow the same thing.

[589] Guerrillas don't kill people, very rarely.

[590] They kill people if people fuck up and, you know, jog over a nest or something like that.

[591] But for the most part, guerrillas are vegetarians.

[592] Yeah, they eat bamboo and shit.

[593] They don't even eat animals.

[594] What do you think about this Virginia stuff with abortion?

[595] Fucking crazy, man. They can get illegal pretty much.

[596] Yeah.

[597] They're trying to.

[598] Well, have you heard the thing about ultrasounds?

[599] Yeah.

[600] They're saying that you have.

[601] to get an ultrasound before you have any sort of procedure.

[602] They want you to look at it.

[603] They want you to recognize if that's a life form.

[604] Somebody said that one of the Democrats in there said something like, this is the first time that we have ever dictated like a medical procedure.

[605] Yeah.

[606] That we're commanding a medical procedure.

[607] I'm definitely.

[608] It's a weird line to cross.

[609] It's a total weird line to cross because you're, you know, you're making a decision for the person.

[610] You know, you're deciding, hey, you have to.

[611] do that you they know they could get an ultrasound if they wanted to yeah they know they can see you're making them yeah you're making them look at it that doesn't make sense to me that doesn't I don't see why you feel this one more time before you do it yeah why do you we know what's going on here the real issue is what's going on here what's going on here is you killing a baby yeah well one guy said it goes the only reasons it's legal one of the republicans the only reason it's legal is because uh it's it's for convenience yeah and I was like yeah that's true that's what we've decided as society yeah we'll let that go yeah it's a weird line, right, though?

[612] Because at a certain age, you can't do it anymore.

[613] When it's, like, six months old, it's too crazy.

[614] But that's what we do all the time.

[615] That's where we raise the speed limit, five miles an hour, when you know this is going to mean more deaths this year.

[616] Dude, I had a friend back in New York who, his girl got a late -term abortion.

[617] Really?

[618] Late, like really late.

[619] Like, it was illegal.

[620] Do you still have the number?

[621] I don't.

[622] It was really crazy because she was showing.

[623] Really?

[624] Whoa.

[625] Yeah.

[626] Yeah.

[627] Yeah, she was showing, and she had an abortion.

[628] It's fucking dark, man. It was dark.

[629] And they went on to have children together, which is even crazier.

[630] They went on to have children together.

[631] But at the time, I was really freaked out by it, really freaked out.

[632] I don't remember how many months it was in, but it was enough where, you know, sucking its thumb.

[633] They told me, and I was like, oh, shit.

[634] Like, this is dark, man. You know, it's...

[635] I think I should be allowed to.

[636] You should be allowed what?

[637] To do that, too.

[638] What do you mean?

[639] Late -term abortions.

[640] you should be allowed to do them yeah no no i mean like get them oh you should be able to get them you're crazy wow it's the same thing there's no reason for that life clearly at some point it's like this life's gonna continue no i think whatever it is right now is fine i think that's enough time for you to find out that you're pregnant and you need to do either make the decision yes or no but i think anything after that that's just laziness after what after what like like late term abortion what month is that um i think three is that what it is that long as you can go so no i think it's late term or six and on no i'm saying what what it is now think of that six months think of six months jesus christ that's a baby people live i would still want to do it at four that's crazy see that's just to me that's this why is that crazy that's all human life it's very clearly human life i see the difference between i know but let me let me get let me be real what you hear it part of part of what you're saying you're kind of being objective about it and you're being honest about it but part of what you're saying is a little bit for shock value but no four months why you're can't even see a bulge at that point oh yes you can at four months yes you maybe you've ever been in a science museum go look at four months yes you can so but three months you can't but four months you can I don't I don't I think three months you can as well look this up I think three months you can as well so then you can see it to be still okay to do it that I think okay let's look at fetus I think it's remarkably soon that you could tell it's person you've seen a baby's butthole before you just oh Brian so when would you think it should be illegal as soon as you can see any sort of bulge yeah look at this three months dude.

[641] But that's what you're saying?

[642] That's when you think it should be gone?

[643] This is three weeks.

[644] I mean this is 13 weeks.

[645] That's a baby man. It's a fucking baby.

[646] No, I meant...

[647] It's sucking its thumb at three months.

[648] See, that's two.

[649] I meant like, can you see it through the stomach?

[650] Can you see a bulge in the woman's stomach?

[651] That is...

[652] No, I'm just showing a picture of, I don't know how much blown that up there is.

[653] Maybe, I think for different, some women, yeah.

[654] So, okay, you're saying that's too far.

[655] That's an actual...

[656] That's too far.

[657] And it's like, how far back...

[658] That's an ultrasound, by the way.

[659] That's not a real image.

[660] This is a real image.

[661] This is an image of what it's represented.

[662] This is what it looks like.

[663] Yeah, it's a human life.

[664] Yeah.

[665] But it's a human life almost immediately.

[666] You're saying with our current microscopic, like, abilities, as soon as you can make it out, based on that, that's how it should be illegal, that's where it's life?

[667] Well, it's interesting.

[668] That's a really good question.

[669] That's so random.

[670] It is a really good question.

[671] But at what point in time does it become a life?

[672] Does it become a life when it's two sales?

[673] No. Is it 20 cells?

[674] I think as soon as they can start moving on its own.

[675] as soon as it can lead the body on its own.

[676] It can start leading to life.

[677] Then it's like life.

[678] But it's life inside you, man. When you have children when your wife is pregnant, or if you ever have a girl that's pregnant, you touch your stomach when the baby's only a few months old, they start kicking, man. So it's when you can feel it through the stomach skin?

[679] I mean, that's a living thing inside of her.

[680] I don't know when...

[681] But the week before you can feel it, that's not a living thing?

[682] No, it's still living.

[683] Because it's not quite strong enough to get through the skin layer.

[684] No, it's moving.

[685] I'm saying it's a living thing.

[686] Yeah.

[687] I mean, it's living way before that.

[688] But it can't, it can't, like, you don't know that it's moving around until you start feeling it moving around.

[689] That's what you think it's to be when, I think it's a human hand you should feel for the skin.

[690] I'm just saying early on, it's moving.

[691] Long before this late -term abortion shit, it's moving.

[692] You know, I don't know when you should be able to draw a line, but it is a, it's a philosophical and a moral question, right?

[693] It's like, at what time does it become a life?

[694] And no one has really wrapped their head around that, but for a lot of liberal people, they don't even want to address the argument.

[695] It becomes more of, of you trying to take away a woman's right to choose.

[696] Well, look at their names of the two, of the two, they're not even against each other.

[697] One is pro -life, the other's not anti -life.

[698] Right.

[699] And one is pro -choice.

[700] The other one's not against people having choices.

[701] Yeah, but it's the choice to kill you.

[702] That's my choice.

[703] Yeah, but they're like one's pro -life, one's boys.

[704] They're not even talking about the same things.

[705] Sort of they are, though.

[706] It should be one's pro -life, one's pro -death.

[707] What's really crazy is most pro -life people are also pro -war.

[708] Really?

[709] it's one of the funniest things ever man this is a it's the weirdest thing ever how many I mean the numbers are staggering how many people are concerned about the babies and how many people are out there and they're the same people that support the war they're the same people that would be happy to you know to support the troops and do you ever have more troops you ever have drive by one of those a bunch of groups of fucking weirdos get on the corner with flags and big signs honk if you support our troops like how is this helping anybody at all how is this boosting morale for people who aren't really there?

[710] Is it for the random soldier or two that may be getting shipped off and gets to see this before they leave?

[711] Yeah.

[712] What is this for?

[713] Is this some, what kind of raw, rah, rah, dedication is this?

[714] Yeah, what do you think this is?

[715] Yeah, but people, they'll get mad at you if you don't honk.

[716] I've seen, there was, on the corner, about three or four miles away from here, there was this one intersection that was like a hot intersection for some reason for gay marriage folks, people that were anti -gay marriage, and people that were into the war.

[717] For the same corner, And remember that Proposition 8 shit when that was going down?

[718] They were all just lined up.

[719] You know, marriages between a man and a woman.

[720] God does not.

[721] In the fucking quoting Psalms and shit and holding it up, honk if you believe, marriages for a man and a woman.

[722] And the other time was this war thing.

[723] And people were fucking screaming at them.

[724] You know, people screaming at each other.

[725] Get the fuck out of America.

[726] There was several times where I drove by where people in cars were screaming at the people.

[727] on the street and they were screaming back and forth at each other.

[728] They should just arrest him because it's against the law for you to honk your horn.

[729] So telling people to honk your horn.

[730] How can it be against the law to honk your horn?

[731] It is.

[732] Why do you have a horn?

[733] Yeah.

[734] They put him in every single car.

[735] No way.

[736] You can get a ticket for honking your home for a horn for no reason.

[737] Really?

[738] For no reason.

[739] How do you know it's no reason?

[740] Maybe you saw some shit.

[741] Maybe saw some shit.

[742] I saw some shit.

[743] I saw some shit.

[744] I thought I saw some shit.

[745] What's the reason?

[746] Did you see that guy that was coming?

[747] No, the other lane.

[748] The guy that was coming towards me?

[749] There's something wrong with his headlight.

[750] Yeah.

[751] But still, but still, It's telling you to do something illegal And people are holding signs up for it Is that really illegal?

[752] I feel like that's one of those myths I feel like you should be able to like drive Through an intersection and honk at your friends Can you do that?

[753] I think it's one of those things where it's like It's illegal but no one's ever going to ticket for it Unless you've started just honking your horn for no reason If you saw someone in the corner And there's a cop there and you are bam bam What's up?

[754] You know, do you think?

[755] Yeah, no Are you get arrested for that?

[756] Is that what you think of right?

[757] I wouldn't say you get arrested, but get a ticket You get fine probably Or a warning most likely We got too many rules There's way too many.

[758] If that really is a law, that's pathetic.

[759] I don't know if it is.

[760] You shouldn't be a cunt.

[761] You shouldn't be blaring your fucking horn out everywhere, but it shouldn't be a law against it.

[762] There's a really interesting video online.

[763] It was taken in Nevada where some dude went through a sobriety checkpoint and wouldn't answer any of their questions.

[764] I remember that.

[765] Did you see it?

[766] Yeah.

[767] He goes, I know my ride to roll down your window place.

[768] It goes, no, is that a direct command or not?

[769] And the guy was like, please roll down your window.

[770] I was like, no, I will not.

[771] We just kept standing there like disobeying.

[772] well that is what you're there's actually a few of those videos online but uh that is what you know when a cop says you know i want to check your car yeah you don't have to say yes yeah you say no they always say they say in i yeah no no they don't yeah they say in an asking manner yeah ma 'am can you please open the car door just watch pop the truck well you know they say all right we're going to check your car okay yeah that okay in the end is really important because you go oh no no you're not going to check my car all right we're going to bring the dogs go get your dogs that's that's procedure sure is that what you need to do some weird dude checking my trunk yeah they have to ask in a way that's that's asking you can't say just open up the trunk yeah they can't say that the problem is they'll just get the dog and then they have the something to tell the dog they make the dog bark and go yep all right we're checking your car now if they well how many how many times do you think cops actually plant evidence you think that's normal i don't think they plant evidence oh they definitely i mean for the majority i'm sure they have they have planted evidence but i don't think there's like cops planting evidence A humongous majority has never planted any evidence.

[773] I mean, if you watch cops, everyone says the cop is planning evidence, but you know that fucking guy's just crack at it.

[774] There's a camera off me. Why would I do that now?

[775] Do you remember that movie Cocaine Cowboys?

[776] Do you remember that movie?

[777] That was the movie of the documentary about the 80s in Miami and how fucking crazy the cocaine world was.

[778] Do you remember that shit?

[779] One of the things he talked about was that there was one year that we're an entire class of the police academy.

[780] Yeah.

[781] The graduating class.

[782] all of them either wound up dead or wound up in jail for for corruption really all the whole police to harm i bet it becomes systemic after a while yeah where they all just like tell the other ones is how we do stuff i'm like no all right there's a way it's done especially the money amount of money that's involved in cocaine in miami in the 80s it must have been fucking completely crazy there's a lot of good cops most cops are good cops the problem is look there's most people are great you know most people that i meet day -to -day in my life are are fine folk there's only a Occasionally, one or two people out of the vast majority that suck.

[783] And those stand out and you go, oh, fucking people suck.

[784] But for the most part, look, in America, you know, in a nice place like Los Angeles, where people are doing pretty good for the most part, I mean, you know, we're not starving in death.

[785] People are pretty goddamn nice.

[786] It's pretty civil.

[787] Most people are cool, you know?

[788] The majority, the vast majority are cool.

[789] Yeah.

[790] But if a few of them are cunts, you'll start going, people are cunt.

[791] Well, the problem with the power so hard that it's like, Some do, but some don't at all.

[792] You know, what I was going to say about the video where the cop was talking to the guy and the guy wouldn't answer any questions, one of the things that was interesting about it was how fucking together the cops were keeping it while this guy was being kind of shitty.

[793] I was like, I guess they knew they were being filmed or something.

[794] Yeah.

[795] There was a little bit of that too, because he had a camera and he held it up to them asking them what the cop held together?

[796] Yeah, they had two cops.

[797] His supervisor came over as well.

[798] Yeah.

[799] But they're just trying to make sure people aren't drunk.

[800] I love when they get caught with the camera that's in their own car they're like you know that's there yeah they're dumb and it's like do you get so complacent that you just feel like what you're doing is right they feel like they're going to be able to erase the evidence how old is this stuff I don't know it's probably a decade old decade old do you think it works yeah it tastes shitty taste shitty but do you think it's getting you high probably hmm I'm still pretty high there's a place down the street that used to be one of those urgent care centers and now's a medical marijuana place really not so urgent care just like yeah and then when a lot of money in that.

[801] Now they prescribe weed licenses.

[802] There's so many of those billboards where you drive it around.

[803] People who don't live in L .A. have no idea what the fuck is going on here.

[804] This place is crazy.

[805] There is maybe Denver.

[806] Denver is really close.

[807] Denver's just like this.

[808] Really?

[809] There's a bunch of areas in Denver.

[810] Across the street in the pharmacy, there's a place that opened.

[811] Like they're opening across from each other.

[812] Cross from each other.

[813] They're like, it's ridiculous.

[814] It's one of the craziest things you'll ever experience in your life.

[815] And it's one of the reasons why so many of them are getting shut down.

[816] Well, people don't realize this.

[817] how many of them there are.

[818] When you hear about all these pot shops are getting shut down, it's terrible that pot shops are getting shut down.

[819] Absolutely.

[820] It's terrible they're being prosecuted, especially the people that didn't even do anything wrong.

[821] There's a bunch of people that are being unfairly targeted, but there's also a bunch of dudes who are making a shitload of money selling weed.

[822] They would have been in porn.

[823] There's some people that's like, you can't even open a shoe store without filling paperwork out.

[824] But they're like, nah, fuck it, we're selling weed.

[825] And you can't do, that doesn't give you a license to just do nothing.

[826] Like our dushy friend that we were talking about that left his job.

[827] and now is making tons of money selling weed.

[828] He's no shining light of psychedelic love.

[829] He's a cunt.

[830] He's a farmer.

[831] He's a farmer.

[832] He's a farmer.

[833] What's cool is that place that's next to the ice house.

[834] You can actually rent a space and grow weed there.

[835] Oh, yeah.

[836] And they give you all the chemicals.

[837] That's like a real co -op, right?

[838] Yeah.

[839] So it's like a place for just to rent and grow your own shit.

[840] Oh, wow.

[841] Like community gardens, but only for weed gardens.

[842] That's so dope.

[843] Welcome to America.

[844] Yeah, we're going to have to have those guys come on the show.

[845] But I don't know if they want to go public.

[846] Which guys?

[847] The guys from that place.

[848] From that community garden?

[849] The guys are run that place?

[850] We'll have them come on with anonymous masks.

[851] Yeah, you ask them.

[852] It's like, do you want to do it?

[853] Do you want to do it?

[854] Here's what entails.

[855] Yeah, I wouldn't do it if I was them.

[856] I'd want to stay as low -key as possible.

[857] I asked an owner I know.

[858] Would you break down everything?

[859] He goes, no, no, no. I couldn't.

[860] No. I don't want anybody looking at you as the target.

[861] So that guy, that guy from Oakserdam in Oakland, he doesn't mind.

[862] He likes being a public spokesman.

[863] Yeah, but I mean, haven't they gone after him a bunch of times?

[864] Probably.

[865] I think there's a big issue right now with what they're allowed to write off like it's not like a regular business they're not allowed to write off but they won't take taxes from the sale I thought that's what we're just trying to make legal so they can take taxes but they don't already.

[866] They must be taking some taxes from medical weed.

[867] I think it's a huge form of tax revenue isn't it?

[868] Medical weed.

[869] I know they said they on their own they said we're going to pay taxes.

[870] Let's find a medical marijuana taxation.

[871] Tax Revenue.

[872] What about him?

[873] like are they now paying tax because they have to or are they just doing it because they volunteer still and voters approve it okay so they had to approve it this is what it is voters had to approve marijuana tax revenue measure okay what's the measure 60 % of voters decided Tuesday to honor measure M a city what major M for marijuana a citywide ballot measure that imposes new taxes on the sales of medical marijuana at brick and mortar dispensaries It allows city tax officials To collect Brick and mortar dispensaries $50 out of each $1 ,000 In gross reimbursements So that's 5 % $50 out of $1 ,000 Yeah Isn't it That's 5 % Yeah So how much will they already get 5 % is what their taxes That's pretty good The sales tax is 8 .25 That's on top of that I think Oh really?

[874] I think there's a city tax I think it's a marijuana Los Angeles marijuana tax Whatever man Pay the tax You're getting to make a fucking shitload of money And you're spreading that love Pay the tax.

[875] That's what I would say.

[876] They're making plenty of money.

[877] Yeah, they are.

[878] Lower your price a little bit, West Hollywood.

[879] Lower your prices a little bit.

[880] Oh, are you just stepped up.

[881] I feel, I just stepped up.

[882] Starting to get out of hand.

[883] It is.

[884] Tell me. It's so expensive.

[885] The pharmacy is a joke?

[886] It's $75 for an eighth, and it's not that great.

[887] It's like, it's good.

[888] It's good.

[889] Homeboy sold me an ounce for how much.

[890] Was it $2 .60?

[891] 250.

[892] 250.

[893] Oh, yeah.

[894] And that shit puts you straight on the moon.

[895] That's my favorite.

[896] That's my favorite.

[897] That's my favorite week.

[898] his OG Cush is just the greatest Yeah, you bypass the stores But I support the stores Because I want to be able to go to them Makes sense I know that if I go straight to the grower You can get it.

[899] Your lungs to pour great weed So smoker, that guy gives you on wholesale prices.

[900] Yeah, I don't need to make that money That bad.

[901] I would rather give that extra $100 or whatever to the store So that they can make some profit And they can keep open.

[902] I like the convenience of it.

[903] They can't make a profit though, supposedly.

[904] But they're not allowed to make profit.

[905] Oh yeah, I just read something like that.

[906] They were like, that's completely wrong.

[907] Is it?

[908] That just read that.

[909] Where they're like, that's absolutely wrong.

[910] That's just a misinterpretation of this rule.

[911] Yeah, I just read something.

[912] It's in the recent, like, web.

[913] Huh.

[914] Yeah.

[915] Oh, it was on dig.

[916] I thought they weren't allowed to make profit, but they were allowed to be like, all right, you're getting paid $30 an hour, you know?

[917] I think the way it goes is you're not allowed to make profit like a normal corporation one, but the way you can do it is you can take a salary.

[918] You know, like say if you run the place, you can take a salary, which is commensurate for someone who would be in your type of business.

[919] So you could make a salary of $100 ,000 a year.

[920] And what Tom McCormick was telling me, one of the things that they do is, especially that Oshedam guy, they funnel a lot of the money back into the community.

[921] In the source of charity, in the form of charity, in the form of grants, they do a lot of different things with their money.

[922] And the guy who runs it takes a salary, he pays all the employees a salary, but you're not allowed to strictly get rich off it.

[923] You can't make, it's not like the guy who owns it can make 60 % of the profits.

[924] Yeah, this article said like you can make as much.

[925] you want.

[926] Really?

[927] It wasn't that thing.

[928] Well, that's not what McCormick was telling me. He was telling me he can't.

[929] Fuck, I wish I could.

[930] He was telling me that you have to have it, you have to, you take a salary.

[931] And that's how it works.

[932] And that's what your profit is, just your salary.

[933] Yeah.

[934] And, you know, you could, but you could still, you know, a salary for a business that size.

[935] Like, what's, what is commensurate.

[936] A few hundred thousand dollars a year, I'm sure.

[937] You know, I mean, if you were running some U -Haul fucking empire, you'd, you know, which is dealing with the same amount of money or something, you haul is a terrible example, but you know what I'm saying.

[938] Yeah.

[939] you'd make a good good chunk of change you know a CEO for some big fucking company makes a lot of goddamn money if you're a CEO for some giant marijuana collective that's responsible for millions of dollars worth of business every year you should be getting paid well right yeah yeah thank that's what the sales the banks did there's too many rules bro there's too many rules there's not enough rules as far as like protecting the environment and too many rules when it comes to everything else yeah goddamn twat rockets it got a PSVita Joe this came out yesterday it's actually doesn't come out until the 20 seconds is this a video game device but this is the new thing all the kids are talking about it's a new game boy new PlayStation thing yeah and it's got touchscreen on the back and the front on the back it's got 3G built in AT &T 3G how's the back work uh the back it just has a panel and it's touch sensitive so like so it feels your fingers yeah so you can use your steering oh wow and it's also got double joysticks and check this out it's got touchscreen in the front finally it's pretty cool I've only got to play with it a little bit today I have an unboxing video at desk squad dot TV what's it called again doing a review it's called the PSVita and what kind of games you get in this sucker what's cool is the graphics are amazing like they look like a home console video game and you can do your Netflix on here and since it has 3G you can do all the all the stuff that you can do like on a a tablet it has two cameras in the front you can surf the web on that Yeah, you could do camera front and the back and everything.

[940] How's the battery life?

[941] Battery's about five and a half hours, six hours.

[942] It's pretty badass, though.

[943] It just came out.

[944] It comes up the 22nd, but you can buy an early version of it right now.

[945] They send you one early?

[946] I ordered, they have an early, like for people that pre -ordered it.

[947] You can get it weaker.

[948] What does that noise?

[949] Is that making stupid news?

[950] Is that talking to the hedgehog?

[951] No. Can you shut that stupid shit off?

[952] Is it?

[953] Oh, it is that?

[954] I don't know how to turn it off.

[955] Oh, that's ridiculous.

[956] Just kidding.

[957] there's a lot of stuff It's so cool Why would the music be so stupid Oh here we go Medical marijuana Profit is allowed under California law Should I read it?

[958] Sure Yeah Fuck I care on the Wi -Fi I hear eventually Well when it loads up But yeah I'm doing a review on it At Desquodda How is it?

[959] Is it fun?

[960] So far it's pretty awesome And I like it has 3G And you don't have any contracts So you can just pay as you go The camera's not that good But the graphics The screen's amazing The games are amazing You could download any a lot of the previous console so nowadays they're kind of switching to where you download your video games it's still buying it to the store oh really that makes sense so instead of getting a disk so you just download it and you just download it right and then you can delete it if you want to you can delete it or whatever the only negative are really going to get rid of this oh you think just clearly that's going to be everything's going to be in the cloud fuck I guess so I don't like that though yeah I like my landline I don't want a cord of phone and I want to talk to you so bad I'll do it right here.

[961] I'm like an old man. I don't want everything in the cloud.

[962] I do like the cloud if they do it right.

[963] Like iTunes just recently switched over to doing it right where like it shows you all the purchase CD songs that you've ever downloaded on iTunes and you can zero purchases.

[964] Yeah, and you can read down.

[965] 900 gigabytes of total songs.

[966] Oh, are you allowed to talk about what happened?

[967] In Minnesota?

[968] Yeah.

[969] Because I only know pieces of this.

[970] Are you sure you allowed?

[971] Yeah, that's pieces I have to leave out.

[972] All right.

[973] There was a thing that Ari Shafir does.

[974] It's a lark.

[975] I mean, he pretends that what he's doing is hiding marijuana all around town, and then he calls it a hunt for the edible.

[976] When it's really just lollipops.

[977] It's really just, it's not really, this is candy.

[978] Tutsi rolls.

[979] He wouldn't do that to you.

[980] You can't handle it.

[981] It would be cute if you could handle it, but you can't handle it.

[982] So that said.

[983] But coincidentally, I do live in a state where they could sell really small stuff all the time.

[984] Right.

[985] And anyone pretty much here is totally illegal for us here.

[986] yeah so yeah so what happened so yeah i've had them before where i had little scavenger hunts for this clearly fake only tobacco product um yeah it's not marijuana whatever you think it is and if you got high from it placebo effect it's amazing diabetes exactly yeah yeah it's funny man i got dizzy yeah it's fun people just i make some clues and people just find it and you've been organizing this through twitter uh -huh it seems like a a solid plan well it's good that you're not using real pot because oh that's why it's totally great some people who have fucking heart attacks and freak the fuck out did uh so you did this so usually i do them not in a in a specific type of place you know i'll just do them somewhere like out right i did it this time i tried doing it the mall of america you know that's like fort knox yeah they're all locked down now i guess they have their own security and they have regular police there too and so what happened well i i uh i decided instead of hiding it like in um like outside like near a pillar or something.

[987] I figured there'd be less camera so I should go into a store and hide it there.

[988] Right.

[989] It'd be like increased business for them.

[990] Right.

[991] And so I did that at the store.

[992] Grubby hippies.

[993] Looking for fucking free weed.

[994] Also like what kind of clues can I get?

[995] Like what's it around that I can think of a clue for?

[996] Right.

[997] And then I found a place.

[998] And then I left.

[999] It was like good.

[1000] Bada bang.

[1001] Bada boom.

[1002] Then I waited for like, you know, a few hours started writing the clues.

[1003] And then I started releasing them.

[1004] It was great.

[1005] And people were looking for it.

[1006] First I narrowed down like a side of the mall then like a floor and then like the store and then like where anyway so the show just started the emcee was on I was texting outside and and I just saw a cop to my right and two superiors to my left just standing there and they're like Ari and I was like I looked up and I was like oh fuck well this is happening now I really didn't think it would yeah and um yeah I was like fuck and they're like I got to talk to you for all like oh hey this is totally cool but somebody's got to go inside right now and just let them know that I'm in trouble because they're going to have to find somebody like really soon like the show just started they got like 40 minutes to find someone a headline like nearby in Minneapolis so just let them know that this is happening something they did whatever the cop let's just say let's just say he was cool so he didn't find any specific evidence so that wasn't a problem but then the mall security was trying to say I couldn't go on they were going to ban me from the mall and the club was in the mall oh yeah Yeah, and then Rick Brunton, the owner, had to get on the phone and start yelling at him.

[1007] It's like, who the fuck are you?

[1008] You're going to cost me money?

[1009] Because that idiot had a fucking hide pot somewhere or hide fake pot.

[1010] That's what he called you an idiot?

[1011] Yeah, to the security.

[1012] It's like, you're not going to cost me a bunch of money in refunds and disappoint all those people because he wants to be fucking moron.

[1013] Wow.

[1014] I explain that what happened to?

[1015] Like, what is it?

[1016] I'm like, it's just for fun.

[1017] It's where I'm, where I go, it's totally legal.

[1018] It's just, I want other people to have fun.

[1019] Even though it's fake.

[1020] Even though it's fake, yes, even though it's fake, yes.

[1021] But I think they understood that.

[1022] You can't even do that in California because it's only legal with a license.

[1023] And you don't know if a kid's going to grab it and be like, but it isn't illegal.

[1024] That's the thing.

[1025] It's decriminalized in California to a certain amount, as long as they don't think you're distributing it.

[1026] Some people ask what happens when a 15 -year -old gets it.

[1027] I'm like, yeah.

[1028] He gets high.

[1029] Great time for him.

[1030] What do you mean?

[1031] There's no problem there.

[1032] He gets a buzzed during his first sex.

[1033] I'm pretty sure the kid's going to have.

[1034] I tell how much to take?

[1035] It's going to get high.

[1036] These kids who got them came the next day to the show.

[1037] So they did?

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] Oh, well, lucky.

[1040] it wasn't really weed.

[1041] Yeah.

[1042] Oh, yeah.

[1043] Yeah.

[1044] What happened was the people who went to the underwear aisle of that store, but I shouldn't say, because that lady was pretty cool, too.

[1045] Right.

[1046] I'm going to go on a limb and say it was...

[1047] Don't tell you which store.

[1048] She was cool.

[1049] She was like, I'm not going to press charges.

[1050] Please take down any mention of my stores so I don't get in trouble.

[1051] Okay.

[1052] So it was a male clothing store.

[1053] I wanted to hire Elaine Bryant at a fat check store, but I didn't think I could get in there without being noticed.

[1054] Yeah, well, no. Like, why would I even be in there?

[1055] Because you look like somebody that would date a fat person So you're buying a show Do you really think you looks like someone Who did that?

[1056] No, that was a telly joke No, I might It's in some ways If the world gets dark Yeah, so the first people Went and got it in the underwear aisle And the next piece of it And they couldn't find it So they started tearing everything up Like looking for it But that was an unintended Consequence That sucks Yeah, but no trouble They let me off like five minutes before I had to go on Oh, that's cool Yeah Did you go on stage And immediately talk about it?

[1057] Yeah, of course Of course you did.

[1058] It's the first thing I'm out.

[1059] I was like, sorry, everybody.

[1060] I'm just, I was just, yeah, Rick Brunson, he got on the phone with me. They were like, he wants to talk to you on the phone because he was in Edmonton on his landline.

[1061] And he was like, hey, first things first, you need to act like I'm yelling at you.

[1062] Okay.

[1063] So now is your smile gone?

[1064] And I was like, yeah, and I started laughing.

[1065] He goes, don't laugh.

[1066] Don't laugh.

[1067] I'm serious.

[1068] He goes, it's not going to be any problem at all.

[1069] I'm like, sorry, dude, for getting here.

[1070] He goes, I don't fucking care.

[1071] It's totally cool.

[1072] I think if you've been running a comedy club, as well as that guy's doing.

[1073] He's also a comic and it's like whatever I know it's totally fine.

[1074] Yeah, you gotta be careful though.

[1075] That's crazy.

[1076] Yeah.

[1077] So no full repercussions.

[1078] You gotta be fucking careful.

[1079] That shit's super illegal in certain parts of this country.

[1080] Yeah.

[1081] And we don't realize it because as we said here, it's lame though.

[1082] That's another lame one.

[1083] What are you guys doing?

[1084] It's just so lame.

[1085] So your new thing is taking liquid acid and squirting it into the audience.

[1086] Don't do you imagine if he did that.

[1087] The best is I was standing there with security and some people came up for like the late show or something.

[1088] And they're like, oh, we brought something for you.

[1089] And they'll open up the purse.

[1090] I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. But then she was like, it's okay.

[1091] I'm, like, looking behind.

[1092] Like, don't.

[1093] And there was just Swedish fish.

[1094] So it was right.

[1095] Swedish fish.

[1096] What is that?

[1097] Some, like, gummy products.

[1098] Oh, is it good?

[1099] That's hilarious.

[1100] That's delicious.

[1101] I offered it to the cops.

[1102] And the lady cop was super hot.

[1103] Really?

[1104] Like, super hot.

[1105] Like, how hot?

[1106] Like, I was.

[1107] How hot?

[1108] Like, like, like, I kept looking at her.

[1109] And I was like, you guys should come in.

[1110] You should come in?

[1111] You try to go to come to the show?

[1112] I mean, I couldn't go fully like to when you get off.

[1113] We should hang out.

[1114] She should have totally gone right there.

[1115] I regret not doing it.

[1116] She was so pretty.

[1117] Why not?

[1118] Maybe it would have worked.

[1119] Maybe it would.

[1120] Maybe she's starving for some intellectual conversation, a funny guy.

[1121] Great sense of humor.

[1122] She seemed like she got it too.

[1123] Bang her with the hat on.

[1124] Totally keep the hat on.

[1125] Or maybe she was dating the other really nice cop guy and maybe he would have thrown you in prison.

[1126] He probably fucks her every time they shoot somebody.

[1127] God.

[1128] That's the deal.

[1129] Every time.

[1130] Don't shoot people.

[1131] Every down on that, dude.

[1132] Shit gets crazy.

[1133] Did you hear about the mall cop?

[1134] She wasn't even a real cop?

[1135] She wasn't the real cop.

[1136] She was part of the mall cop.

[1137] Damn, hot mall cop.

[1138] She was so pretty.

[1139] Man, I was like, you guys should ever come.

[1140] Was she responsive at all to you?

[1141] She would smile.

[1142] She knew that it was just telling him being an idiot.

[1143] The guy, mall cop, was trying to pretend like he was a badass, but he couldn't really keep it going that much.

[1144] Uh -huh.

[1145] And then the head of security was trying to really enforce the law.

[1146] Oh.

[1147] But who fucking cares?

[1148] Could have got in trouble, buddy.

[1149] I could have.

[1150] You could have went to jail.

[1151] What if somebody just showed up with the joint And said this dirty Jew gave me this joint I could say that now And I smoked it Whoa Don't be giving this shit out Yeah, stop doing that We're gonna have Be Real from Cypress Hill on soon Whoa, that's cool Yeah I've been going back and forth With him on Twitter And Arge Barker He's gonna be on tune But one of the things about Yeah, he's in America On the Monday One of the things about Be Real from Cyprus Hill That he and I share Is that he won't just take weed From strangers He won't smoke their weed Yeah Doug Benson does it from everybody Yeah Doug Benson does he gets high with people all the but the government's probably getting high with them too and they probably came up some fucking some weed that's got like little GPS signals in it he needs that that's all you can get high off at this point his tolerance is too high I'm getting high off GPS Oh it's getting high off Wi -Fi Didn't be hard How long before they actually just spray you with some shit They can track you with Probably they probably already have the capability It's probably already to do that They can track you already Yeah, I mean, it was not hard to find you just through your Twitter.

[1152] Most people are on the grid.

[1153] Yeah, Twitter.

[1154] Going to Jared's house.

[1155] Going to Burbank.

[1156] I'm at the airport.

[1157] They let you go about your business.

[1158] They don't care what you do most of the time.

[1159] Most of the time, until you oppose them.

[1160] Until you're in some sort of a position where you might be trying to take over.

[1161] Do you imagine the kind of tapping they have on Ron Paul's information?

[1162] Yeah.

[1163] He can't order pizza without them breaking down the wording.

[1164] Shit.

[1165] How long is Argebar going to be here for him?

[1166] He said until Monday.

[1167] Oh, okay.

[1168] Isn't that amazing that they're so ignoring this Ron.

[1169] Paul Cat and then pushing this rigged Santorum dude on everybody.

[1170] Well, at least it's not a Mormon.

[1171] There's been evidence of voter fraud in Maine by the way.

[1172] Ron Paul is supposed to be one in Maine and they were before even all the precincts were counted they were giving it to Santorum.

[1173] They're saying this voter fraud and made.

[1174] Really?

[1175] I mean, it's just a caucus.

[1176] I would have liked to see Ron Paul win one state.

[1177] Yeah, it would have been cute.

[1178] Well, you know what, man?

[1179] I think this whole system's rigged.

[1180] Of course it is.

[1181] Really, absolutely truly believe it and I think these guys are just auditioning to be the CEO of a company where they're not even going to get a chance to say what the fuck gets to go on.

[1182] And they're not going to get it anyway.

[1183] Obama's going to win again.

[1184] Obama's way better than Mitt Romney.

[1185] He's way more charismatic.

[1186] He can, look, they can do some Hollywood math on the numbers and have you convinced that we're in an economic swing.

[1187] He came in the wrong time and the world was fucked up when he got here and the country was fucked up but in the time that he's been here he'll spin some fucking the legislation that we've passed and helped this and the economic stimulus and put us back on track.

[1188] Sort of, whatever.

[1189] That National Defense Authorization Act kills everything that he did.

[1190] Everything.

[1191] That's that thing that allows people to be detained indefinitely with no warrants.

[1192] The fact that he passed that, like...

[1193] It's just such an easy way to abuse that.

[1194] It's so gross.

[1195] It's gross.

[1196] It's completely unconstitutional.

[1197] On my radio station that comes on like the news about the elections or the pre -elections, whatever they're having, it just seems like when Newt Ingrich and Pam, Harry and Santorum and all the other, the other, the Mitt Romney.

[1198] It seems like they keep, like, just lying.

[1199] Yeah.

[1200] And then, like, going back on it.

[1201] Yeah, I did say this, but that's not what I believe now.

[1202] It just seems like the little kids just saying whatever they can so they can get their prize.

[1203] Oh, yeah.

[1204] But it's like, and Ron Paul is the only one is just like, well, this is what I believe.

[1205] A lot of this is not popular.

[1206] Give me another one of those.

[1207] Good.

[1208] Yeah.

[1209] But it's like, this is what I've always said, the same thing for always.

[1210] Oh, thanks.

[1211] Yeah.

[1212] When they're afraid of going on the record for what they really believe if it's not popular.

[1213] It's not real.

[1214] They don't believe shit.

[1215] They believe they want to be president.

[1216] what it is.

[1217] It's like they're just trying to get elected.

[1218] Yeah.

[1219] It's like when you audition for a show that you hope you don't get.

[1220] Yeah, we're like this sucks, but like I'll make believe I like this much of humor.

[1221] Rick Perry is so lucky he's dumb because now he gets to live the rest of his life without secret service agents wiping his ass everywhere he goes.

[1222] Because if he won, and he could have fucking won, don't get me wrong.

[1223] If that guy auditioned for the role of president just four years ago, okay, and he was just coached a little bit better and someone with a little hindsight, you get some, yeah, you get some smart dudes behind him.

[1224] That's all it is, right?

[1225] That's not all it is.

[1226] Attracting the best PR people.

[1227] He's no dumber than George Bush.

[1228] He's no dumber than GW.

[1229] It's just like an actress.

[1230] Yeah.

[1231] He's just to build your resume.

[1232] Yeah, build your resume.

[1233] Do it correctly.

[1234] Become popular at the right time.

[1235] Exactly.

[1236] He was popular at one point in time.

[1237] Do you remember?

[1238] It was like, that guy was like, he looked handsome.

[1239] It looked like fucking...

[1240] But I remember them talking about Obama at some like democratic convention.

[1241] They were like, ooh, he gave a really good speech.

[1242] People were going to look at him now.

[1243] It's like a presidential guy.

[1244] Yeah.

[1245] It's like having a really good game in the NBA All -Star game.

[1246] Yeah.

[1247] It's like having a good set on Congress Central.

[1248] And all of a sudden it's like, oh, watch out.

[1249] It's an act.

[1250] Or some chick and some movie.

[1251] Yeah.

[1252] I remember my friend who I will not name his name because he's a silly, silly fucking liberal.

[1253] Not there's anything wrong with being a liberal, but he's silly.

[1254] He's one of those guys.

[1255] When I say liberal, I'm very liberal in most of things.

[1256] Most things like gay marriage and civil rights and most of those things.

[1257] Should be attached to everything, though.

[1258] Exactly.

[1259] I'm not on a team.

[1260] I'm not on team this or team that.

[1261] And when you are, I think you're silly if you're.

[1262] You're a liberal by choice, like, you know, in a category, predetermined pattern, behavior you follow, or you're conservative.

[1263] Either one of them is just silly to me. But this guy was, like, telling me, like, what a great President Obama would make.

[1264] And I go, well, why do you say that?

[1265] What policies that he supports do you believe?

[1266] Unlike him.

[1267] He didn't have a fucking, nothing to say.

[1268] He just started giving me, like, double talk.

[1269] I go, do you even know anything stuff this guy does, or do you love him because he's a good -looking black guy?

[1270] And you love, like, supporting a black guy because you got a little bit of white guilt.

[1271] Yeah.

[1272] And he didn't want to admit it.

[1273] Do you see that Howard Stern thing they did with the interview people and just messed up the facts?

[1274] Like Obama, Obama McCain is running together against someone's who you're going to vote for.

[1275] It's like Obama McCain.

[1276] It's all about McCain.

[1277] Yeah.

[1278] Do you think it be a good vice president for Obama?

[1279] He's like, yeah.

[1280] I like his policies.

[1281] Oh, that's hilarious.

[1282] Yeah.

[1283] Was it, was it, I'm trying to remember who that fuck that was.

[1284] We did it.

[1285] Maybe it was for a tough crowd.

[1286] Fuck.

[1287] I wish I knew what it was.

[1288] Who's that guy we met in New York that time, the Boston comic?

[1289] Boston comic You didn't like me I was texting Nick DePaolo Yeah He didn't like you Because of what I was texting or something No no that's not what it was You you joked around About jocks You said something about jocks Boston is all jocks Yeah yeah That's what you said It was a bunch of dumb jocks You know what fuck was this guy Nick Deppalo is quick To tell you Immediately I must have a sweater or something And he's like Oh well kids we all can't be Gene Garofalo I was like what do you think What do I offend you Yeah he thought you were Well You kind of dress a little bit like a hipster.

[1290] Yeah, I guess I do.

[1291] If people that didn't know you, they would totally think you're a hipster.

[1292] Until you hear you talk.

[1293] They would think I'll all turn up comic.

[1294] Your filthy, dirty mouth on stage.

[1295] Yeah, they would think you were alternative.

[1296] Thank God you're not.

[1297] It's so hard to be friends with an alternative comment.

[1298] I can pretend that all that shit is funny.

[1299] It's starting to go away the lines.

[1300] Of course it is.

[1301] There's something real good people that just go up in that scene and then vice versa.

[1302] They're just comics.

[1303] Yeah.

[1304] Of course it is.

[1305] The people that wanted to be alternative.

[1306] The Louis used to always do that.

[1307] yeah but you go up in the all rooms and you go up at the store yeah and you're like oh you come here too he's like what do you mean it's stage time yeah he's just a comic yeah he's smart enough to realize that but a lot of these dummies they it was like you know what it was like we found a cool club this is like the cool kids club you know this is the jeanineine garoflo club Chechen rebel doesn't that sound like a cereal Chechnine yeah yeah what why did you say that oh that's one of their jokes oh really that's the jean garoflo line because he was looking I think he was imagining her I'm just doing, I'm doing what they do on stage.

[1308] Like, looking off the distance, saying something mildly ironic.

[1309] Yeah.

[1310] Yeah, you know, it's not even funny.

[1311] Shut it.

[1312] You're not funny.

[1313] No. Work harder at this.

[1314] You're not trying hard enough, and your point of view sucks because it's not real.

[1315] You're not really.

[1316] You're just trying to fit into a mold that you think these little hipster twat heads are going to appreciate.

[1317] Yeah, clap, clap.

[1318] I saw Paul Tomkins talking about the state of alternative comedy.

[1319] Yeah.

[1320] at a podcast in San Francisco Jamie Kilsen's podcast.

[1321] The state is AIDS.

[1322] He goes, it's really sucky right now.

[1323] He's all these people trying to be alternative comics and like sucky because they're trying to be this instead of just being it.

[1324] It's AIDS.

[1325] It's AIDS.

[1326] They all have AIDS.

[1327] It's not funny.

[1328] And they're super snotty about it.

[1329] It's like the thing about the grossest thing.

[1330] The snotiness.

[1331] It's just received snotiness.

[1332] It's not even what you're over what?

[1333] You're not even putting out good art. Like shut your snotty mouth.

[1334] It's not good stuff.

[1335] It's not funny.

[1336] You know, the bottom line is it was created some of it is.

[1337] But that's good comedy, period.

[1338] It would be good anywhere.

[1339] The bottom line is the need for alternative comedy was created because the ones who were trying to do it weren't successful in other rooms.

[1340] They weren't successful.

[1341] Whether it's because they were performing for dumb crowds or whether it performed for people that didn't appreciate what they were doing, so they had to find people who did.

[1342] That's all well and good, but they became in a lot of ways, not all of them, totally generalizing and pigeonholing.

[1343] They had this irony, this ironic disposition.

[1344] Yeah, but they all, also became like sort of comedy bullies to you know like if you hung around them like Burke Kreischer's a terrible story about them being fucking shitty to him really over the UC whatever is UCB yeah about how gross his experience was there like it's like it's like when people were bullied they want to bully back you know children that are molested go on to become molesters it's so weird but then Ian Edwards I've met him in like Miami a terrible connection I did yeah well nobody called me on it you're like whatever just keep talking stupid just keep rambling I'd say I not Ian go with that alternative room like what material do for this?

[1345] He goes, crowds are crowds, man. Yeah, I've done the UCB twice and then I had great crowds.

[1346] Yeah, I did the UCB.

[1347] I loved it.

[1348] I had a great time now.

[1349] But it's not the audience, man. It's not the audiences.

[1350] It's the comics.

[1351] And it's not all of them.

[1352] It's just a few.

[1353] It's just like cops.

[1354] A few cunts.

[1355] Yeah.

[1356] That's what it is.

[1357] That's what it is.

[1358] That's what it is.

[1359] That's what it is.

[1360] That's why everyone's against it because of those few cunts.

[1361] Yeah, same with cops.

[1362] Same with girls.

[1363] You know, same with guys.

[1364] You know, same with everything.

[1365] The few people stand out.

[1366] I hate when a girl says, I don't take comics anymore.

[1367] because all the comments have been bad.

[1368] I'm like, come on, wait, break it down because I'm not all of them.

[1369] Yeah, but you're terrible.

[1370] Yeah, but if it's like all about, like, whatever it is, I'm like, yeah, yeah, we do that.

[1371] I always like, I'm a great guy.

[1372] Come on.

[1373] Give me a chance.

[1374] Give me a chance.

[1375] But if they say they're needy, then I'm like, well, I'm not needy, but if they're so like they can't commit, I'm like, oh, yeah, all right, that's fine.

[1376] Yeah, we shouldn't do it.

[1377] Yeah, well, isn't that like what all women want Arrishafir?

[1378] Yeah, some of them.

[1379] They all want love.

[1380] They all want to know that you're going to be there for them.

[1381] They all want you to listen to their highlight reel.

[1382] Highlight reel.

[1383] Correct their act.

[1384] The worst is dating a comic.

[1385] Dating a comic and you have to help them with their act.

[1386] Do you think this is funny?

[1387] There's nothing more of a turnoff than a girl going over her bits with you.

[1388] Anyone going over their bits with you is horrible.

[1389] Yeah.

[1390] But a girl that you want to fuck.

[1391] Okay, okay, stop it.

[1392] Stop it, stop it.

[1393] I want you to listen to my joke.

[1394] Tell me if this is funny.

[1395] I mean, why your dick is like a headache in your pants.

[1396] Dome, dome, dome, dome, dome.

[1397] let's just do it and they just want tell me tell me this is good I've dated a few comics I start telling them now it's like I am not going to help you with your act I'm not going to try to correct you if I see something like thematically you're doing that I can see a fix for like you should check out this room you might do well there yeah like I would do that but that's it like just give you suggestions of like directions to go yeah I go to peers every down then it's something wrong with this bit man doesn't the bit thing seem too verbose or something like that but I kind of just sounding off I to know anyway if you're being objective about your shit which you always have to be anyway like yeah they saw that like i like that joke i'm like do you think yeah don't you think it in there it needs a little something yeah if you know they saw it you kind of know though you know when something needs something if you're being really honest about it right yeah but sometimes they help you're like well have you ever thought about going from there into your like your family right you're like oh i didn't yeah yeah comics yeah like they're not writing you a joke they're just like an angle you didn't think of yeah yeah or good taglines or yeah i had this uh king con bit that I was doing and Louis C .K. pulled me aside.

[1398] He goes, you know, it was really funny.

[1399] He goes, you should say that King Kong is this really cunty wife too.

[1400] And like, do this whole thing about King Kong's conti wife.

[1401] Yeah, probably at home.

[1402] Why this whole thing about King Kong being like the most racist movie ever that he was around these naked black women his entire life.

[1403] He never gave a fuck.

[1404] He saw one white chick in a dress and lost his fucking mind and had to have her.

[1405] I mean, really exactly what that movie was.

[1406] They were dancing these black girls.

[1407] They had feathers on and shit they were naked tits hanging out drums playing fire dancing and shit no one cared and he's like hey should have king conch stuff or like cundy wife that was why he was still married though that's like the angle you always go to yeah but a country wife holds them back keeps them from being funny I think you never date a comic again uh casually date them yeah what about little a job sometimes oh I think Duncan's dating us do you really I'm just thinking oh my god I heard you're dating Natasha again oh it's not it's getting hot in here damn that'd be so weird could you even fucking imagine you guys just swapped back and forth and you're like look I know you left me before but I wasn't the man that I'm now I'm a different man now I'm a different man now I'm a different man now look it was cool it was totally cool back then when you went with Duncan it's totally cool if you just go right back to me because that's where you belong and And then as soon as you pull out, you nut it right in her eyes and say, fuck you.

[1408] I've been waiting for five years to do this.

[1409] Fuck you.

[1410] And you give her double fingers while you're naked.

[1411] Fuck you.

[1412] How many guys have done that?

[1413] Got back with a girl, pretended to be in love with her just so they could shoot a load on her.

[1414] And then just say, fuck you.

[1415] You ever see that's an old movie called The Aress?

[1416] The Aress?

[1417] Yeah, it's about this girl who got jilted.

[1418] And she just waits to get revenge for like decades.

[1419] That's like I spit on your grave.

[1420] Yeah, yeah.

[1421] I have gross that I wait on, like, just to fuck, like, Megan Fox and Lindsay Lowen, and I think in, like, 12 years, they would probably be doable.

[1422] Once they hit the wall?

[1423] Yeah.

[1424] You know who I think you can get?

[1425] You bet Brett Butler from Grace Underfire.

[1426] She needs a place to stay, right?

[1427] She needs a place to stay, right?

[1428] She's okay in their day.

[1429] We talked about her back in the last show, about how crazy it was that she was one of the Chuck Laurie show, Grace Under Five.

[1430] That guy has just been around forever, just turning out the hits.

[1431] and she was all cracked out and she said there was always the rumor on the set that she had done some crazy thing threw it drinking his face had some memes and he got she got gone from that yeah that killed powerful as fuck you think he cares you're rated 12th yeah you're not supposed to do that I make a lot of money you're not supposed to do that anyway that's what killed Titus's show too you ever turn something down for money like somebody offers a sponsor this and you're like that doesn't go with what I do at all oh yeah definitely it's like people can turn down money Chuck Lori says I don't need to I have plenty of money I'll just cancel.

[1432] I'll just not do your show anymore.

[1433] I'll kill your show before it goes to syndication.

[1434] If you're going to be a complete asshole to me, then, yeah, I'm not going to work for you.

[1435] They killed Titus's show before the syndication.

[1436] Yeah, you had some crazy blowout.

[1437] Remember that TV show I talked about a few times that no one could remember it.

[1438] What show?

[1439] It's called Mr. Smith.

[1440] It was about a monkey that was president.

[1441] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1442] And it's impossible.

[1443] Black and white.

[1444] No, no, that's your thing that Mr. Smith goes to Washington or Hollywood or something.

[1445] Uh -huh.

[1446] Well, this is a TV show.

[1447] And somebody uploaded a, like, five -second commercial.

[1448] commercial on YouTube the other day.

[1449] And so I finally...

[1450] Oh, great.

[1451] That's not me. So I finally found...

[1452] I have a screenshot of the monkey, so I don't know if I'm going crazy.

[1453] Whoa, that's an orangutan.

[1454] It's an orangutan.

[1455] But this is what it looked like he...

[1456] He was the president, and he was some kind of, like, animated...

[1457] Or, like, Muppet, realistic Muppet -type Alf type thing.

[1458] Oh, so it wasn't...

[1459] It wasn't a real...

[1460] I think they used both.

[1461] That sounds like when NBC went to 730 prime time.

[1462] yeah you know they tried that small small wonder i think was there was nbc also uh my two dads it was mbc yeah it seemed like that bunch and they were all way worse than a regular sitcom it's like so you think sitcoms are shitty think what wouldn't have made it right here i want to read this about the cannabis thing okay okay there's a robert rach that who wrote it there's a why they held misconception that businesses in california medical cannabis industry are prohibited for making a profit in reality no california law prohibits cannabis related businessmen for making a profit opponents of medical I'm going to translate as I read it.

[1463] However, I've done a massive job spreading disinformation since SB 420 was signed into law in 2003.

[1464] The disinformation has become so prevalent that is affecting safe access to medical cannabis patients.

[1465] Blah, blah, blah.

[1466] Okay, and resulted in state senator John whatever releasing a letter debunking the widely health misperception that profit is not permitted for medical cannabis providers under California law.

[1467] I'm looking at Brian's moth.

[1468] the giant moth?

[1469] The one that he smoked?

[1470] Smoked it shit.

[1471] Why would you smoke something that came out of that thing's ass?

[1472] The liquid looks so trippy that I'm like, I wonder if this would do anything.

[1473] I mean, it didn't look like poop.

[1474] It's probably fucking poison.

[1475] No, it was probably poop or something.

[1476] It's probably massive.

[1477] And I lit it anyway.

[1478] Poison.

[1479] It's probably, you know what it is?

[1480] It probably had a miscarriage right there on your floor.

[1481] Yeah, I bet it was pregnant.

[1482] I bet that was pregnant.

[1483] Could be.

[1484] Because it was on my door for two days.

[1485] Jesus Christ, Brian.

[1486] you're going to die it's not good whatever it is it's not good you have like one of those porch entries where it goes over where you can stay in the rain you won't get wet yeah do moths love that nice whose balls are those yeah it's Valentine's Day balls who's balls are those just downloaded are those are those your balls huh are those your balls are they no they're pretty if they are they are heart can imagine if you uh got an operation to have your balls always in the shape of a heart like there was a new thing and women wanted you to do it to show them that you really cared and you would just get your balls tucked into a heart shape.

[1487] Like they would there was like a little plastic V implant that they would put in at the bottom on the ball sack.

[1488] So it just looked like a heart at all time.

[1489] Yeah so it would always look at a heart.

[1490] I always wonder why belly buttons never got like getting extended or like you know like changed in any way.

[1491] The balls are so vulnerable as it is.

[1492] Yeah the belly button nobody would touch it.

[1493] Sometimes they get belly button rings people.

[1494] You can get an implant on your balls with like a wire frame that was like in the shape of the heart.

[1495] Like those old ladies' dresses from like the cold days, but they had to poof them out.

[1496] Yeah, they just spread it out like a bat wing, like the bat wing over the balls and spread it out.

[1497] From interbellum days.

[1498] Your fucking balls are already super vulnerable.

[1499] If somebody kicks you in the balls and you have an implant in there, is it going to even hurt anymore?

[1500] But there's so much extra skin you can do stuff with there.

[1501] Yeah, there's so much.

[1502] Totally.

[1503] Well, that's what we were talking about the guy who got fucked to death by the horse.

[1504] He had like a whole binder.

[1505] Yeah.

[1506] Like a fucking notebook binder of rings coming on his horse.

[1507] Yeah, why not?

[1508] Of course.

[1509] Eventually you'll do that.

[1510] People will put it in the shape of a heart.

[1511] It'll be sweet.

[1512] It'll be a cupcake makers.

[1513] It'd be way easier to get girls to suck on them.

[1514] It's where you'd keep your hard drive.

[1515] Way easy.

[1516] No, that's not true.

[1517] If there's an excuse to take your dick out.

[1518] Suck on your balls will suck on your balls.

[1519] You definitely increase the odds of it happening.

[1520] If a girl won't suck on your balls, you really shouldn't be with her.

[1521] I don't like it.

[1522] I think it tickles.

[1523] You got problems.

[1524] It doesn't tickle you at all.

[1525] If a girl will suck on your balls.

[1526] My girlfriend loves it, but it tickles me. That used to be Polly's move.

[1527] He would take it out.

[1528] She'll do anything.

[1529] He would just take it, dig out?

[1530] Just his whole dick.

[1531] Yeah, and he would say, like, either they're going to do this or they're not, and we're going to find out right now.

[1532] Yeah, but I mean, girl, you're dating.

[1533] Oh, yeah.

[1534] You're dating will suck your balls.

[1535] Some girls won't suck the balls.

[1536] They'll suck your dick.

[1537] Really?

[1538] But there's a line they won't cross.

[1539] There's girls who you can't come in their mouth.

[1540] That's a huge, huge turn.

[1541] While I was married, Allie was walking by, and we were pretending, I just have my balls out all the time.

[1542] Right.

[1543] At the store, just all the time, just have my dick and balls out.

[1544] And we're trying to get up to convince this one girl to like no it's totally normal they smell fine you should you should you should suck it oh I remember this and then Alan walked by and pretended like oh really yeah I haven't said like she didn't know me and she was like hey what's going on uh just like do you know this guy's like no what's happening I love the comedy store it's so fun here they were like we're trying to explain like it's totally cool just suck this guy's dick she's like oh yeah what I mean yeah I'll do it we're together so she says blowing you so she was like yeah yeah it's fine whatever I'm going to outside and then she would just walk out I was trying to convince this girl that is totally normal.

[1545] Do you have this on tape?

[1546] Somewhere.

[1547] That's hilarious.

[1548] It was so weird.

[1549] And nobody got embarrassed for it.

[1550] I was like, yeah, she does it.

[1551] I'm with her.

[1552] What did the girl say?

[1553] She was so confused by it.

[1554] She's like, what is happening?

[1555] That was really fine.

[1556] What kind of world is this?

[1557] It was awesome.

[1558] Wow.

[1559] She was.

[1560] Wow, that's pretty crazy.

[1561] That she's the Jesus.

[1562] Is she really?

[1563] Oh, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, your ex is into Jesus?

[1564] Yeah.

[1565] You need to have her on a skeptic tank.

[1566] Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[1567] When was the last time you talked to her?

[1568] We text sometimes.

[1569] Text.

[1570] What about in person?

[1571] It's been about a year.

[1572] It's been about a year.

[1573] and a half.

[1574] Wow.

[1575] And in that time, she went to Jesus.

[1576] She went to Jesus.

[1577] How long ago did you break up?

[1578] Two years?

[1579] Three?

[1580] Four, five?

[1581] Four or five?

[1582] No, it was post the store.

[1583] We just figured that out, right?

[1584] That it's been five years since I quit going to the store.

[1585] Sick.

[1586] Well, 2007?

[1587] 2007, February.

[1588] So it was, yeah, because when all that stuff happened, I had someone else that, I think we'd already broken up by that.

[1589] Wow.

[1590] Really?

[1591] So it's a five years ago.

[1592] Okay.

[1593] So a year and a half of it?

[1594] go she got into Jesus?

[1595] Something like that.

[1596] I'm not good with time.

[1597] Marijuana has definitely ruined that.

[1598] Is that a guy?

[1599] You think it's a guy that's the Jesus?

[1600] No, no, no. It's just like, you know, she didn't want to do whatever she's doing anymore.

[1601] People find the Jesus.

[1602] But then she started saying that she kind of was serving with me, and I'm like, stop it.

[1603] You know, it's all I can do not to mock you.

[1604] But meanwhile, she's, don't try to get me to go.

[1605] Really intelligent.

[1606] That's what's weird.

[1607] She was a very intelligent person.

[1608] Super smart people like, like the Jesus all the time.

[1609] I don't quite get it.

[1610] You got to get her on the skeptic.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] Yeah, I will.

[1613] Well, I'll get her on that.

[1614] There's a part of their, they compartmentalize their logic.

[1615] That's what it is.

[1616] And the idea behind it is great.

[1617] The idea behind, I mean, if it was real, God damn it, wouldn't it be beautiful?

[1618] Wouldn't it be beautiful?

[1619] They're really, and it is real, man. I'll tell you what, you need to find Jesus.

[1620] If you found Jesus, you would know.

[1621] But they're not lying to you when they say that.

[1622] It's because if you really do believe it doesn't have been ever.

[1623] You feel more fulfilled, I guess.

[1624] Then it's like, I'm happy for you if you're happy.

[1625] But like, God, and what?

[1626] She probably wasn't happy.

[1627] You know, a lot of, of girls who do like they get wild and they like blow guys at the comedy store in front of people like that kind of behavior that kind of wild behavior that's fun if you're around people who think it's fun yeah but if you're not and you get judged by enough people who don't think that shit is funny and if you're the type of person does like wild shit and tries to be funny and has it tries to have a good time and you know it's a little impulsive people will fucking judge you and to the point where you start to think that your morals are really questionable and you're a fucked up person.

[1628] You need to get your shit together.

[1629] And if you hear that enough and you don't have a support system behind you, you'll crack.

[1630] So she doesn't have you anymore.

[1631] I mean, think about it.

[1632] She's living with this guy.

[1633] I mean, you're my friend.

[1634] You're here and everything like that.

[1635] But you're a brilliant guy.

[1636] Okay.

[1637] You're very, very intelligent, very educated, very well read.

[1638] And you're around her all the time.

[1639] So you're having intelligent conversations with her and if people don't have that in their life if all of a sudden they get cut off from that and everyone just telling you don't do this don't do that and you're around morons and you're around a giant swarm of moron influence and moron information i was talking to those people in minneapolis and they were like what would you rather have a virgin who's not good at sex or someone who's very good at sex but has had sex with a lot of people i'm like definitely the one who's had sex with people what are you talking about and then she doesn't know she's had sex with people you're like yep fine that's fine wake up bitch what are you talking about of course Who cares?

[1640] Weak ass.

[1641] Why do you care?

[1642] It's so silly.

[1643] As long as she's not all diseased up.

[1644] Oh, yeah.

[1645] The long as she not got the virgin.

[1646] I'm teaching her how to do.

[1647] You like the virgin?

[1648] No way.

[1649] Teach them how to do stuff.

[1650] She's like, Ew, I don't want you sweating on me. Open up your space.

[1651] That's what I need to do.

[1652] I feel bad.

[1653] Ew.

[1654] I can't believe I gave it to you.

[1655] Oh, they're going to cry.

[1656] She can talk.

[1657] All right.

[1658] Oh, he didn't say that.

[1659] He's like a virgin alien.

[1660] I was a virgin.

[1661] I wasn't part of.

[1662] their deal.

[1663] Yeah, you definitely want to go with the slut.

[1664] But you don't want to go with the crying.

[1665] Yeah.

[1666] You know, the problem with the girl has had sex with a lot of people is a lot of times they feel bad about it.

[1667] Or they've done it because there's some underlying issue.

[1668] I think...

[1669] Anyone I've, that's been around a little bit is like, just seems like they're cool with sex.

[1670] Some of them.

[1671] We'll have sex when we feel like having sex.

[1672] Some of them, yes.

[1673] And I'm just saying the occasional bomb, the occasional one out of ten that starts crying ruins all the rest of the fun girls.

[1674] Look at Eliza.

[1675] She hates sex.

[1676] She talks.

[1677] about how she hates having sex.

[1678] That's too bad because everybody wants to fuck her.

[1679] Why does she hate it?

[1680] I don't know.

[1681] She's just like a minute and a half I'm done.

[1682] I just want it to be over with.

[1683] She seems super uncomfortable about a lot of shit though.

[1684] She's a strange girl.

[1685] She's super aggressive, real competitive, loves her dog, holds on to the dog.

[1686] She's like, she's really quick, real quick and aggressive.

[1687] I saw her at the Saratiana's birthday last night and she didn't have her dog.

[1688] So I'm like looking around in her purse.

[1689] I'm like, what was she wearing last night?

[1690] Regular clothes?

[1691] Yeah.

[1692] She changes and gets dressed down before she goes to those.

[1693] stage.

[1694] That's so cool that she is as a comic.

[1695] She doesn't want to get judged about anybody looking at her or anything like that.

[1696] She's hot.

[1697] She's got a great body.

[1698] She puts on a loose t -shirt and jeans and flobby.

[1699] And then she goes back to the car, gets into like nice clothes, attractive clothes, and then goes out with her girlfriend.

[1700] Sticks out.

[1701] What's up?

[1702] I love sending her pictures of just random black dicks out of nowhere.

[1703] How she react to that?

[1704] She loves it.

[1705] Yeah, you say she loves it.

[1706] She might be saving them up in a portfolio for when you start getting rich when she's going to fucking sue you.

[1707] How about that?

[1708] Yeah.

[1709] Go ahead.

[1710] Sure.

[1711] could be man I worry about that any person I talk to it's not such an harassment if you just do it to a person right yeah yeah I don't know man this is this stupid loopy ass fucking day in comics to comics I think you're safe doing that you would think but I don't think it works that way the employee handbook for the La Jolla Comedy Store it said like you cannot say anything of a racial manner to another employee you cannot say anything of a sexual manner to another employee it's like all these rules but then it goes with that being said you will hear from on stage some of the worst imaginable language from any human.

[1712] That doesn't matter.

[1713] You still can't act like that to other employees.

[1714] You'll hear horribly things saying, super racist, super sexist, like every night.

[1715] Isn't that funny?

[1716] If you work there and you're like a waiter and you try to be as funny as the comedians to your staff.

[1717] Not why you got the t -shirt on.

[1718] Yeah, you'll go to jail.

[1719] They'll take everything.

[1720] They'll take everything, man. Fuck you, CNN.

[1721] Here's an article.

[1722] George Clooney still open to marriage.

[1723] Fuck you.

[1724] Still open to marriage.

[1725] Do you know what happened today in West Hollywood?

[1726] What?

[1727] This guy started, this is what I heard on the way here, so I don't know the full stories, but this guy started walking around these houses and, like, kicking people's doors in.

[1728] What?

[1729] And yelling, and then he kicked somebody's door down and then caught the house on fire and shot three people.

[1730] What?

[1731] Yeah, like a 32, 38 -year -old women and a 34 -year -old guy.

[1732] Well, today.

[1733] Explain that again?

[1734] What happened?

[1735] He kicked somebody's door down.

[1736] He started kicking people's door down.

[1737] like somewhere near Melrose and then he just started fucking shooting people and then caught some house on fire.

[1738] Wow.

[1739] Yeah.

[1740] But they were still figuring it out while I was driving here.

[1741] Like it was...

[1742] Wow.

[1743] We don't know what's going on.

[1744] Wow.

[1745] That guy in Utah lit his kids on fire.

[1746] No, he killed him with a hatchet and then blew the house up.

[1747] And then lit it on fire.

[1748] And then blew the house up.

[1749] Why don't I feel better about that?

[1750] It's horrific.

[1751] I thought he just lit him out all on fire to have to burn it up.

[1752] No, it's terrible.

[1753] What he did was the social worker came that was supposed to babysit him while he's with the kids was supposed to be there he's not supposed to have you know and they ran into the house he grabs them pulls him and pushes the guy out kills the kids with a hammer the guy opens the door he smells gas and then the guy who kills the kids with a hatchet rather it blows up the house and kills up the house because if he can't have him no one can I don't know what the reason I think he lost custody he killed the wife he killed the wife and he was under suspicion of it and while he was under suspicion they found pornography questionable pornography on his computer questionable?

[1754] I heard it was what it was child porn.

[1755] That just proves he didn't love his wife because he had porn?

[1756] It was child porn but it was animated.

[1757] It was animated child porn.

[1758] That's so weird I didn't even think they had that.

[1759] This is by the way third.

[1760] This is third hand hand information.

[1761] Do you know that Jerry Sandusky was trying to gain the right to go on to his back porch?

[1762] Oh he was going on his back porch.

[1763] Yeah and while he was there he was looking at an elementary school.

[1764] An elementary school.

[1765] And you're like, what?

[1766] That's where he lives?

[1767] So we can look at it in elementary school.

[1768] That wasn't even part of the beginning part of the story.

[1769] Right.

[1770] He's a monster.

[1771] That guy's a fucking monster.

[1772] He wants a chance to see his grandkids so he can have one more before he goes away.

[1773] It's so crazy that that guy got as far as he got.

[1774] When you hear him talk about it, it's scary as far.

[1775] Just the way he talked about it.

[1776] Are you attracted to children?

[1777] Am I attracted to children?

[1778] That's how he answered it.

[1779] He didn't say, no. Oh, no, no, stop.

[1780] No, no, of course not.

[1781] What?

[1782] I think he might be struggling with it, like, really hard.

[1783] Oh, God.

[1784] Well, they say that almost everybody that is in that sort of a situation got molested when they were young.

[1785] Yeah.

[1786] That's how those people reproduce.

[1787] Isn't that nuts?

[1788] That's their method of reproduction.

[1789] What a fucking crazy thing.

[1790] Yeah.

[1791] Isn't it nuts that you can imprint that into a child's mind?

[1792] I mean, I don't think it's 100%.

[1793] That's where you ensure the species moves on.

[1794] There's a lot of people that get molested that don't wind up doing that.

[1795] You know, it's like people who are, around when their father beats their mother.

[1796] Some people, they grow up to beat their wife as well.

[1797] It, like, becomes, or if your parents beat you, you beat your kids.

[1798] Yeah.

[1799] And some of them, it's the opposite way.

[1800] They're like, there's no way to hit my kids.

[1801] I think it just depends if you that like it.

[1802] Like, when I got molested by that babysitter, she was hot and I loved it.

[1803] That's totally different.

[1804] You were like, what, how old are you?

[1805] Like 10 or 11.

[1806] And she was a chick and she was pretty.

[1807] Yeah.

[1808] That's not, that was fun for me. There's such a difference between a guy doing that to a little kid and a girl doing that to a little kid.

[1809] Right.

[1810] I don't want some chick blowing my kids.

[1811] You know, I wouldn't want to come home and some fucking hot chick is blowing a 10 -year -old boy.

[1812] You know, I wouldn't want to see that.

[1813] It would be fucked up and you would have to call the cops and everything, but man, it would be, the only thing that would be traumatic is the poor guy would probably be in love with her.

[1814] You know, when you hear like a young...

[1815] She's my favorite babysitter.

[1816] Yeah.

[1817] Why can you hire her anymore?

[1818] She was so much more fun than the other ones.

[1819] Yeah, I'm friends with her on Facebook because I hunted her down.

[1820] I wanted to marry her.

[1821] Yeah, she's so hot, dude.

[1822] You see?

[1823] Just put up a link.

[1824] Put up a link, dog.

[1825] No, no, no, no. Just show me a picture on your phone.

[1826] Just tweet it.

[1827] Just tweet it.

[1828] No one's going to care.

[1829] No, absolutely do not tweet it.

[1830] Look, people on Twitter are really cool.

[1831] You can't tweet it just a picture, but don't tweet her name.

[1832] No, I can't even do that.

[1833] Tweet the shit out of the poker.

[1834] This show is too big nowadays.

[1835] Tweet that shit out of that bitch.

[1836] What's her name?

[1837] I'm not saying what I almost fucking said it too.

[1838] That was a great.

[1839] It sounded reasonable, too, and it came out of your mouth.

[1840] I was like, yeah, I was like, oh, wait, no, that's all of it.

[1841] Just say it for some less name.

[1842] Really good of convincing people.

[1843] Okay, okay.

[1844] It's the host of Fear Factor.

[1845] You're like, it's way worse.

[1846] Which, by the way, is canceled forever.

[1847] No, it got canceled again?

[1848] For real.

[1849] It's over, folks.

[1850] Sorry.

[1851] Ah, that sucks.

[1852] I'm sorry, man. It's okay.

[1853] It's good.

[1854] So it's 100 % now.

[1855] It's too whore -like.

[1856] I enjoyed the money.

[1857] Thank you very much.

[1858] I enjoyed hanging out with all the Fear Factor people.

[1859] There's a fucking awesome group of people, but I'd rather do my own thing.

[1860] Even though it was great money, I'm not hurting for money.

[1861] I'm all right.

[1862] That's the only thing I feel better.

[1863] for you for it's like oh yeah it was it was fun money it was good but the reality is i i really i enjoy working for the ufc and doing comedy a hundred times more yeah it was it was okay to do it was fun it was fun to be back with all the people i loved all the people and worked with them again but yeah the difference between the enjoyment you get of doing something that you really love doing and the enjoyment was still a badass job as far as jobs go it's the fucking shit i would never complain about it i have in the past and it sounds really dushy that's a problem no one can really understand that.

[1864] No one can really understand that you get complacent with it.

[1865] Like you start expecting that kind of money once you get it.

[1866] It was fun because the people that I work with were fun.

[1867] And the cast, the brother, the contestants this year were awesome.

[1868] There was a lot of great contestants.

[1869] A lot of really fucking funny people.

[1870] Really crazy people.

[1871] But it is what it is.

[1872] And it's over.

[1873] The end, apparently it was hard for them to get advertisers for it.

[1874] Oh, really?

[1875] Yeah.

[1876] Damn, you should have aired that donkey one.

[1877] Yeah.

[1878] I got it on my phone.

[1879] Nice.

[1880] What is that?

[1881] That's the girl.

[1882] Oh, that's her?

[1883] That's your, For her babysitter?

[1884] Oh, shit.

[1885] Let me see her.

[1886] I won't show anybody.

[1887] She also does, uh, some dude she's wearing sunglasses indoors.

[1888] She also does karate.

[1889] She does karate?

[1890] Yeah.

[1891] Oh, that's her now?

[1892] Yeah.

[1893] That's not bad.

[1894] That's not bad.

[1895] That's not bad.

[1896] Where she live?

[1897] Looking thin.

[1898] Uh, you know, I don't want to say it.

[1899] Midwester?

[1900] I say, yeah.

[1901] Midwester, yeah.

[1902] If you catch that in the Midwest, that's totally fine.

[1903] You're like, yeah, that's great.

[1904] Do, do it.

[1905] She's like, a black coat and karate or something like that.

[1906] Nice.

[1907] You should kick your ass and suck your dick.

[1908] Really?

[1909] Yeah.

[1910] She has a nice family now.

[1911] Yeah.

[1912] She's their kids?

[1913] Yeah.

[1914] You haven't heard my bit.

[1915] No. Do you have a bit about it?

[1916] Yeah, because I'll see it Friday night at the Ice House.

[1917] Ice House.

[1918] In Pasadena.

[1919] What time's the show?

[1920] It shows at 10 o 'clock and go to Icehousecomedy.

[1921] Are you going?

[1922] You going to be there?

[1923] Yes.

[1924] Sheffier's in the house.

[1925] I think Moshe's going to be there.

[1926] Yeah.

[1927] And Doug Pound, DJ Doug Pound from Tim and Eric.

[1928] I'm going to try to get Arge Barker to come down as well because he just said that he's there Friday night until Monday afternoon.

[1929] Maybe I'll get him to come early and we'll do a podcast with him before the Ice House.

[1930] Awesome.

[1931] What's up?

[1932] How long is he from Australia until Monday?

[1933] He said to Monday.

[1934] And Ice House Chronicles, what we do is the Ice House shows are some of my favorite shows ever, the stand -up shows and the podcast shows.

[1935] We have a studio in the Ice House in Pasadena.

[1936] It's a separate room.

[1937] And what we do is we start the show and we start a podcast just a little bit before the show.

[1938] and then people just run back, do a set, and then come back and hang out.

[1939] It's a fucking best hang out.

[1940] It's so fun.

[1941] The last one, I got so fucking high from that weed that I was shaking and then Brody was supposed to be on front from me. He's like, I can't, Brody's like, I can't go up?

[1942] And I'm like, I've never been the stone before.

[1943] And I had to go up.

[1944] I was forced to go up on stage.

[1945] Had the best side I've ever had in my life.

[1946] Oh, you can go totally high if you know.

[1947] It worked.

[1948] It worked.

[1949] Are you sure, or was it like that time in Facts of Life?

[1950] No. She wrote, had the right to support, and she kept progressing, and then she got high and wrote it, and she was like, that's so long.

[1951] It was definitely the best Saturday.

[1952] But the next morning, it was a terrible report.

[1953] You take the bad, the facts of life.

[1954] It wasn't Jill.

[1955] Who was the rich girl?

[1956] Not putty.

[1957] Blair?

[1958] Yeah, yeah, it was Blair.

[1959] It was kind of hot, but it was like three words per page.

[1960] She was a little chubby, but hot.

[1961] She had to fight it.

[1962] I'm sure they had network heads going to listen.

[1963] You need you to eat less right now.

[1964] But she was a good kisser.

[1965] Probably.

[1966] She kissed you like you were ice cream.

[1967] I gotta watch that show again With them in mind It's just young young women Dirty bitches And how much were they fucking on the side Probably a bunch It's probably a bunch as they wanted to It's probably hard for a woman Who's in a position like that Where they become like super super successful It's probably hard for them to find mates If a woman is making a ton of money Like a Jennifer Aniston type woman She's dating some like regular dude now right Isn't she dating some like regular guy It's hard to get someone to look at you as a regular person Yeah that takes a long time Well not only that man And I think for women, it's like a normal thing for the man to be more successful than the woman.

[1968] And when the woman is like way more successful than the man, I think it gets sketchy.

[1969] Yeah.

[1970] You know?

[1971] I was in some waiting room with some like dentist or something.

[1972] And I saw a magazine with the one hot chick from, or not the one hot check, but from the Desperate Housewives.

[1973] The one used to be on Superman, Lois and Superman.

[1974] Oh, the fake.

[1975] Even?

[1976] Not even Lungoria.

[1977] The one who's just slightly less hot than even Lungoria.

[1978] Yeah.

[1979] Oh.

[1980] Terah hatchet?

[1981] Tori.

[1982] Tara Hatchettich.

[1983] Terry Hatcher.

[1984] Terry Hatcher.

[1985] And she said, Tara Patrick.

[1986] Who's way hotter.

[1987] We ended up getting it.

[1988] Tara Patrick would be the shit if they just put her in one of those shows.

[1989] Yeah.

[1990] But she said from now on she's like she's never going to let like herself pay for a date.

[1991] She still expects like everyone to pay.

[1992] Really?

[1993] Yeah.

[1994] Because that's how it works.

[1995] What?

[1996] Yeah.

[1997] That's ridiculous.

[1998] She's worth like a hundred million dollars.

[1999] Yeah.

[2000] I'm like, what do you give so much more money to me, but just pay for it.

[2001] Yeah.

[2002] No, Ari.

[2003] You have to pay for it.

[2004] You have to buy her dinner and then.

[2005] beggar for sex.

[2006] And then, you know what?

[2007] She's probably not into you anyway, so...

[2008] Probably not.

[2009] It's going to suck.

[2010] Yeah.

[2011] Yeah, you'd have to be like some Brad Pitt -type dude to stimulate a woman like that.

[2012] Oh, yeah.

[2013] You'd have to be like someone even more famous than her or even more powerful than her.

[2014] I mean, I would think.

[2015] You would say no. I mean, people would say, you're fucking ridiculous.

[2016] Your point of view is stupid.

[2017] It's ass and I'm...

[2018] There is a certain chimpanzee logic.

[2019] Yeah, they want someone to do that to them.

[2020] They want an alpha.

[2021] They want someone who is...

[2022] Sometimes, some people.

[2023] Even the ones that don't, man. How long do these last?

[2024] Like our friend, for instance, who will remain nameless, who recently left his girl, who also remained nameless, and he was in the beta position during the entire relationship.

[2025] I knew.

[2026] I'm like, this shit ain't going to work.

[2027] How the fuck is this going to work?

[2028] Women like that always complain that the dude doesn't have any money.

[2029] But the other ones don't work either.

[2030] Those ones weren't better.

[2031] Other relationships, when he was the alpha, he doesn't work either.

[2032] When was he ever the alpha?

[2033] I don't know.

[2034] Yeah, what are you talking about?

[2035] I don't know.

[2036] How dare you?

[2037] I've never seen that turn around.

[2038] Make shit up.

[2039] I don't know.

[2040] That's a good point.

[2041] Anyway, go to Joe Rogan .net and check out the information for all the upcoming shows.

[2042] The January or March 2nd through 4th, are you in town?

[2043] March, yeah.

[2044] Yeah, are you?

[2045] First weekend?

[2046] Powerful Ari Shafir will be with me at Braya, California.

[2047] Oh, great.

[2048] Yeah, I'll totally do it.

[2049] Powerful Braya, Ari Shafir.

[2050] There you go, folks.

[2051] You saw that?

[2052] It was booked on the spot.

[2053] That's how we do.

[2054] The April 13th through 15th, I'm at the Hollywood, Florida Improred.

[2055] Oh, shit.

[2056] That's the hard rock down there.

[2057] Crazy one.

[2058] 420, Atlanta, Georgia.

[2059] That's the tabernacle.

[2060] Tickets go on sale tomorrow.

[2061] And then May 4th, New York City.

[2062] What is it?

[2063] The what is it?

[2064] Manhattan Theater.

[2065] Manhattan Theater.

[2066] You sure of that?

[2067] It's something like, yeah.

[2068] I mean, I'm in Alberta.

[2069] Calgary.

[2070] Remember that place we did in Calgary?

[2071] We had to have extra seats on stage.

[2072] Yeah.

[2073] Yeah, we had a...

[2074] It was awesome.

[2075] We need to play Japan while we're there.

[2076] There's a comedy store in there in Japan or something like that.

[2077] I want to just go hang out.

[2078] If you want to go to the comedy store, we'll go.

[2079] and isn't there one in like a comedy store something like that Brazil was fun just to hang out yeah we had a good time Ari and I we got some real Brazilian chuhascaria how good was that fucking mean we went back we went back two days in a row like that it was so good so many different flavors too dude Rio is amazing that's why I got in this coconut water I finally I was just walking on the beach and just like they sell those coconuts for two and three aisles or whatever and they just chop it open and give you a straw you know they sell that here in Los Angeles it says fruit stands and you can see a Mexican in the fruit stand They have coconuts in there.

[2080] They just chop it out.

[2081] It's so nice.

[2082] Joey just taught me about that.

[2083] By the way, me and Joey Diaz are going to Columbus, Ohio.

[2084] Oh, when are you doing that?

[2085] You're doing a show together?

[2086] Week in May 19th.

[2087] Yeah, they asked for me and Joey.

[2088] That's awesome.

[2089] Isn't that crazy?

[2090] That's awesome.

[2091] Perfect.

[2092] First time I ever on the road.

[2093] Right 19th?

[2094] Yeah.

[2095] Something like that.

[2096] Count your tickets.

[2097] You know what I'm saying?

[2098] Count your tickets.

[2099] Do that guy.

[2100] You know, this fucking guy.

[2101] I'm just going to make some posters.

[2102] I'm going to bring a Death Squad poster.

[2103] Who was, who was booked this?

[2104] Did Joey book it?

[2105] Joey booked it.

[2106] Some woman came up to him and said that she wanted to book me and Joey.

[2107] That's awesome.

[2108] That's great.

[2109] At the same club, the funny bone.

[2110] And then we're trying to do, uh, uh, we're also doing maybe Scullies on Ohio State campus or we might do Cleveland.

[2111] The funny bones is a shit.

[2112] Yeah, Cleveland's good to skip over to do the improv in Cleveland.

[2113] Yeah.

[2114] The funny bone in Columbus is an awesome fucking club.

[2115] So that's one of the great clubs in the country as far as like how it's low and tight.

[2116] Yeah, it's those ceilings.

[2117] Yeah.

[2118] That's a great fucking place.

[2119] All right.

[2120] So that's, that's, that's all that information.

[2121] higherprimate .com.

[2122] Can I have some dates?

[2123] Fuck yeah.

[2124] What are you got?

[2125] Well, in March 15th, I'm doing Eastern Maryland at the Avalon Theater.

[2126] Do you have a website where everybody can see all your days if they don't remember this?

[2127] Ari the great .com.

[2128] Boom.

[2129] You can remember that.

[2130] Ari the great thing.

[2131] They're all up there right now.

[2132] A -R -I -S -H -A -F -F -I -R on Twitter.

[2133] I'll be in Addison on April 12th to the 15th at the Addison Improv.

[2134] The Improves are finally let me headline.

[2135] That's awesome.

[2136] Dude, Addison, Texan.

[2137] This is the shit.

[2138] Addison apparently was the one city in Dallas back in the olden days where you could drink That's why it's wild Really?

[2139] Yeah, they used to have Well, it was not during prohibition They used to have weird laws about the city of Dallas But Addison was like where you could go to drink and smoke I think you might still be able to smoke in the club It might be one of the last places And maybe they changed that.

[2140] I hope they didn't Even though I hate cigarettes I also like personal freedom Yeah, that's a problem but yeah that's the one where it infringes them other people yeah it's a weird it's stinky well the real issue is for people work there yeah it's stinky but it's also there's something about girls that smoke they're sluttier yeah yeah you just know that's they make decisions it doesn't don't matter yeah they're crazy bitches they're throwing cigarettes out the window and they don't even thinking about where it goes I love it's a sign they're shoving a dick down their mouth the loads go off they're not thinking about what's going in there they're not thinking about that stinky dick they just see not 100 % of time it helps your odds they're increasing the odds of finding a wear substantially you see a girl with red nail polish and she's chewing gum and she spits her gum out into the bushes and then lights a cigarette that girl might sell your dick hey so what are we doing later yeah that girl might be crazy she's not thinking about shit she's just living for momentary little blips of thrills if you're interested in coming to the ice house go to what is it icehouse comedy dot com and search for joe rogan or Death Squad.

[2141] Yeah, stage two.

[2142] Look for stage two because that's what we're doing.

[2143] In March, we're going to do a fuckload of dates there because I'm going to be around most of March.

[2144] You think you're all Mr. Fia Factor.

[2145] You think you're all Fia Factor.

[2146] I forgot about that girl.

[2147] That girl in Boston, that monster.

[2148] You're going to tell your friends.

[2149] She was having something with our friend.

[2150] Let's have a little...

[2151] That accent is just so bad.

[2152] And while they were doing it, she was going, you're going to tell your friends.

[2153] That's right.

[2154] You're going to tell your friends.

[2155] No one's going to know about this.

[2156] Yeah, he told us this because it was gross.

[2157] He told us the opposite, not like he was his stud.

[2158] He told us how sad it was.

[2159] Here he is, like, sobering up while he's half hard inside of her.

[2160] And she's going, you're going to tell you, friends.

[2161] No, no. I saw a girl walk across that old, what was that old room that they don't have any more?

[2162] Connection.

[2163] Yeah, comedy connection.

[2164] And she was super hot.

[2165] Walked all the way across the room, like outside there.

[2166] And I was like, oh, and she's looking right at me. And she just comes over.

[2167] She was going to the bathroom, but she stopped and came to me. She goes, you're a wicked pissy, funny or whatever.

[2168] Crap.

[2169] I'm like, ugh.

[2170] You're a wicked pissa.

[2171] Yeah.

[2172] Wicked Pisa funny.

[2173] Killed it all.

[2174] You just teach her to talk their friend.

[2175] She'd be fine.

[2176] Yeah.

[2177] You think you can do that, though?

[2178] I couldn't have the patience to do that.

[2179] You know, that girl I used to date from Texas, Jessica, she would like have the thickest, when I first met her, the thickest accent.

[2180] It was just like, oh, y 'all.

[2181] You know, it sounded like she was a hillbilly.

[2182] And then she moved to L .A., completely lost it.

[2183] And then moved back, completely got it again.

[2184] I bet when she went home to visit, it came back a little stronger, right?

[2185] Yeah, it did.

[2186] I would have asked her to keep it.

[2187] I love that accent.

[2188] Texas accent's my favorite.

[2189] Those are real women.

[2190] Those are women.

[2191] They're like want to be women.

[2192] They don't want to be president.

[2193] They don't want to be running shit.

[2194] They like to be in women.

[2195] The manlier areas where the men are manly are, like, who's manlier than Texas dudes?

[2196] You know, it's like big belt buckles and fucking trucks and the manly, those are the womenly women.

[2197] You know, whereas you get to San Francisco.

[2198] Francisco, you get chicks that want to fucking stuff up Birkenstock up your ass, scream at you because, you know, you don't want to give them the right to choose.

[2199] Obviously these are generalizations.

[2200] We're just talking here.

[2201] It's impossible for girls in Texas to even roll their eyes.

[2202] Really?

[2203] Why, they're just so, like, laid back?

[2204] They're not allowed.

[2205] Go to higherprimate .com if you're interested in monkeys and weed and psychedelics.

[2206] That's my t -shirt line.

[2207] Brian's reminding me. He's right.

[2208] You need sales, too.

[2209] You never have sales or coupons for Okay, I'll get a coupon.

[2210] Yeah, yeah, you should have to say old stuff that you're not going to sell much anymore or what we've been around for a while.

[2211] People keep on assing me. Well, I need to make a coupon.

[2212] But you know what bands do?

[2213] This is why my new thing, I think you should do it, a t -shirt of the year.

[2214] Every year, it's some new design.

[2215] Oh, that's a good idea.

[2216] You know, because they have the old last year's t -shirts, 50 % off.

[2217] You know what we should do?

[2218] We should do a Joe Rogan Experience podcast t -shirt by this dude.

[2219] Which dude?

[2220] Worldwide Sweatpants, whatever the fuck his name is?

[2221] What's his name?

[2222] Formal sweatpants?

[2223] That's formal sweatpants.

[2224] That's not Mike Maxwell.

[2225] But Maxwell did a great job with the Chicago posters too Yeah, have this guy do a t -shirt But that's their 2012 t -shirt Yeah, it's not a bad idea Which should it be on it?

[2226] Did that squad cat?

[2227] I'm tired of that cat, bro Especially when you changed him I'm just going to get myself Maybe something like that, maybe that's You changed him just to fuck monkey tot over I know what you did I changed it because all those guys that have that tattoo You look good It's a marketing man That's why That guy said like, hey, I'm going to get a tattoo you I'm like, don't do that I'm like, don't fucking build heroes out of nowhere Well, it's cool It's like the old Marvel logo.

[2228] It's kind of even hipper.

[2229] To have the old cat.

[2230] Exactly.

[2231] Yeah.

[2232] It's a marketing movie.

[2233] Oh, yeah, right.

[2234] It's a good move.

[2235] We started this new drink at the comedy store.

[2236] It's called suck my cock.

[2237] No, it's delicious.

[2238] It's a Shirley Temple with with, what's it called rum?

[2239] Cherry rum.

[2240] Oh, what is it?

[2241] It's a Shirley Temple with cherry rum in it.

[2242] And so at first we called it Shirley's period, but then we thought that just wouldn't catch on enough.

[2243] So we called Temple of Doom.

[2244] Way easy off the tongue.

[2245] Yeah, exactly.

[2246] So now it's just going to be.

[2247] Hey, you know what they originally called this?

[2248] Oh, right.

[2249] It's going to be part of the folk for it.

[2250] And so that's a drink that they sell the store now?

[2251] Yeah, we invented it, yeah.

[2252] Oh, that's cool.

[2253] Only the front bar would know about it, and I guess the back bar.

[2254] Well, if you order it, though, someone could ask someone.

[2255] If you're there, if you're working.

[2256] Yeah.

[2257] They could order it.

[2258] Probably.

[2259] Anytime the front bar is open, they all know now.

[2260] Everybody knows now.

[2261] You invent a fucking drink.

[2262] Do you get, like, a copyright on that already?

[2263] No, just some satisfaction of knowing that's something to do with it.

[2264] That would be badass.

[2265] We were in Vegas a couple years from now.

[2266] We ordered Temple of Dooms and everybody knew what it was.

[2267] it's so delicious right before you had gay sex you could have them super alcohol you can't taste it podcast over brian how dare you uh so we'll try to get arge barker for tomorrow no guarantees though but for sure we'll have an ice house chronicles yeah what i think they might send me to australia to what for in september to do like a run of the cities oh one night in each city they might send you who the people that we work with that call your agent get me out of that i don't know who's talking a list he's talking to oh that's cool isn't that the people that we worked with when we were there is it yeah i'm pretty sure yeah that'd be cool oh yeah Kylie yeah yeah Yeah, they were great.

[2268] Yeah, Australia is awesome, man. It's just too far and far away.

[2269] I would go for like two weeks.

[2270] For those asking about the, there's a UFC in Australia, I'm not going.

[2271] I'm not going to any of the FX or fuel shows that's happening.

[2272] Yeah, no more.

[2273] There are on four channels.

[2274] I'm doing only the ones that are on pay -per -view and the Fox ones.

[2275] Those are the ones I'm doing it.

[2276] So I got to watch last night.

[2277] Jake Ellenberger and Diego Sanchez went to war.

[2278] Holy shit, that was a great fight.

[2279] Classic, fight of the year, candidate.

[2280] You should do one of those junk casts now that you're not going to do it.

[2281] Totally should.

[2282] We should have done that last night.

[2283] Next time.

[2284] Next time we'll do that.

[2285] We'll do a drunkast.

[2286] Plan?

[2287] Yeah, why not?

[2288] Yeah, we'll do it.

[2289] We'll broadcast...

[2290] I've never done one of those.

[2291] I'll put...

[2292] You know what?

[2293] I'll set up a fucking TV in here.

[2294] I'll bring a TV in here.

[2295] We'll just do it at the ice house.

[2296] You don't have a TV at the ice house.

[2297] We're not going to do it illegal, you fuckhead.

[2298] No, we don't have to do it on...

[2299] We just rent on Xbox.

[2300] Oh, you can run it on Xbox?

[2301] Yeah.

[2302] Really?

[2303] Yeah, or just get me an Xbox code from Dana.

[2304] I'm sure he has one of us.

[2305] Get you an Xbox code.

[2306] I'd rather pay for it.

[2307] Like a goddamn good citizen.

[2308] What are you saying?

[2309] 50 bucks.

[2310] Hey, we have what?

[2311] Nothing, I'll tell you later.

[2312] Oh.

[2313] Private stuff.

[2314] Private stuff.

[2315] Oh, the guys who sent us the super cool bong, if you're interested in it, go to Jetwaterpipes .com.

[2316] That's the name of it.

[2317] It's pretty badass.

[2318] It gets my full support.

[2319] Me too.

[2320] Brian, four stars?

[2321] Yes, me too.

[2322] Oh, I'll be in Toronto, March 23rd, I think.

[2323] Ari the great .com.

[2324] Is everything up there?

[2325] Yeah, yeah.

[2326] Go to Ari the great .com.

[2327] All right.

[2328] The great .com.

[2329] That's how you go.

[2330] Ari the J -F -F -I -R.

[2331] I got really high for this one.

[2332] This is a good one.

[2333] I enjoyed it.

[2334] That bong was really good.

[2335] I love you, folks.

[2336] I enjoyed it.

[2337] What can we tell you that hasn't already been said, folks?

[2338] We love you.

[2339] We appreciate you.

[2340] Most of you.

[2341] There's a few of you that are pretty fucked up and you need to go.

[2342] Kill yourself.

[2343] No, just get a fleshlight from Jerruggan's website.

[2344] Get some ayahuasca in your system.

[2345] Yeah, you'll feel bad.

[2346] Go to Costa Rica.

[2347] Have an Ibogaine session.

[2348] Oh, Aubrey, formerly known as Chris.

[2349] The artist formerly known as Chris is going there soon.

[2350] He's going to do Ibo Gain in Costa Rica, and he's going to come back and tell us everything.

[2351] He's going to come back with a different name.

[2352] I am now Henry.

[2353] It's going to be Crystal Fuck.

[2354] I'm now Flower.

[2355] I'm now Flower Child.

[2356] Oh, and I have a podcast.

[2357] Oh, yeah.

[2358] Sceptic Tank.

[2359] Ari Shafir's, should be the Ari Shafir show.

[2360] Change that shit.

[2361] Should be the Ari Shafir show, yeah.

[2362] Just the Ari -R -Shafear.

[2363] This is the J -R -R -I -R -A -R -E.

[2364] This is the Joe Rogan experience.

[2365] And that's, by the way, that's pretentious enough.

[2366] And it's only because I'm a much huge Jimmy Hendrix fan.

[2367] I basically ganked it.

[2368] That's it.

[2369] This fucking show's over.

[2370] Thanks to the fleshlight for sponsoring our program.

[2371] If you go to Joe Rogan.

[2372] Click on the link for the fleshlight.

[2373] Enter in the code name Rogan.

[2374] You want one?

[2375] I got a box of them.

[2376] I got a stack.

[2377] I got your new girlfriend, dog.

[2378] Entering the code name Rogan, you get 15 % off.

[2379] We're also sponsored by Onet .com.

[2380] That's O -N -N -I -T.

[2381] And if you go to Joe Rogan.

[2382] Net and see the link for AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement that I took to be so smooth.

[2383] You got some cool art in here right now.

[2384] Yeah, yeah, I started putting up some Yeah, some cool shit.

[2385] Yeah, I got a bunch of shit I put up.

[2386] Those are all...

[2387] What the fuck's his name?

[2388] Ralph Stedman.

[2389] Those are Stedman's.

[2390] Those are cool.

[2391] I've heard of him, right?

[2392] Yeah, he's a guy that did all of Hunter Thompson's artwork.

[2393] Those are pretty badass.

[2394] Yeah, yeah.

[2395] I decided to dress this place up.

[2396] And, oh, I should say the name of this fucking guy because I keep forgetting.

[2397] Hold on a second.

[2398] The guy who did the thing behind Brian, I know as Oh, yeah, I was going to ask you about that.

[2399] My website's desk squad.

[2400] I have the review of the Evita right now.

[2401] Also, we have...

[2402] What did you think about?

[2403] 5 ,000 new podcasts I just put up.

[2404] We got new Brian Cowan, which has an awesome...

[2405] Wait a minute.

[2406] How many podcasts do you have?

[2407] 5 million thousand.

[2408] Oh, if you want to watch the best podcast that we do, it's the Ice House Chronicles as far as fun, and that's also available on the Death Squad label.

[2409] They're long.

[2410] They don't take the whole day.

[2411] Yeah, they're really long.

[2412] A lot of them are four hours and shit.

[2413] Go to...

[2414] Go to...

[2415] Go to...

[2416] Go to...

[2417] Go to Joe Rogan .com.

[2418] No. Desquod.

[2419] Go to iTunes and subscribe to Desquod.

[2420] Last 24 hours to vote for me for that web shorty show.

[2421] How are you doing?

[2422] I'm not supporting you on this.

[2423] It's ridiculous.

[2424] I'm up against Anthony.

[2425] They're not sanctioned.

[2426] Grant Grand is the name of this dude who made this awesome fucking collage.

[2427] Grant Grant.

[2428] Yeah.

[2429] Grant Grand.

[2430] It's fucking all kinds of cool designs and all sorts of weird shit that he incorporated in there.

[2431] It's amazing.

[2432] It's really cool.

[2433] Cool.

[2434] So, Grant, thank you very much.

[2435] Thank you very much for doing that.

[2436] Oh, Tripoli and Tebow, I'm here starting a podcast, sports podcast next week.

[2437] It sounds awful.

[2438] What kind of sports are you into?

[2439] Oh, UFC, basketball.

[2440] Oh, okay.

[2441] Sounds like the worst idea ever.

[2442] Flashlight.

[2443] Done.

[2444] Onet .com.

[2445] Done.

[2446] Entering the code name Rogan.

[2447] It's 10 % off from now on every order.

[2448] It's not just your first order at onet .com.

[2449] It's every order, okay?

[2450] You need more science behind it.

[2451] Double blind Pacibos studies on the way.

[2452] Okay, we're working on it.

[2453] We're doing everything we're supposed to do.

[2454] Hey, man, did you know that Steve Novella criticized your scientific report?

[2455] Yep, yep.

[2456] We corrected everything that he critiqued, and we actually hired a scientific advisor.

[2457] We're doing all the right things, people.

[2458] Yes.

[2459] We're doing all the right things.

[2460] We're trying to keep it together.

[2461] It's all for the positive.

[2462] It's all for you.

[2463] It's all for you.

[2464] It's for me. Because we are all one, and as we grow, you grow with us.

[2465] You are not the you that you used to be.

[2466] You are the accumulation of all your life's experiences.

[2467] And from now on, be the best person you possibly can be.

[2468] the funniest the coolest have your shit together be the hero in your own story this should be an after the marines should be a fucking recruiting agent i'm gonna start my own marines yeah someday we're gonna get a cult we're gonna cut we're gonna start one we're definitely gonna start a compound you want to build a house i'm thinking for no bullshit i'm thinking of buying a giant chunk of land near a lake and we all build houses there just build houses like how much people yeah well listen man i'll the land i will buy the land so we'll own the land and then allow all my friends to come and build up houses.

[2469] Let's just have some badass houses on this piece of property.

[2470] Does that not, it's not like a good idea?

[2471] And if we hear the incoming soon, we're like, hey, you want to go over there and do it?

[2472] I would be willing to do Fear Factor for one more season, just for the money for that.

[2473] I think it's a good idea.

[2474] You're willing to do Fair Factor anyway for one more season.

[2475] I would have kept done.

[2476] I would have kept going.

[2477] That's why I'm glad it ended.

[2478] Terrible bargaining position.

[2479] This fucking podcast is over.

[2480] Support Ari Shafir by going to Ari the great .com and by subscribing to his podcast, which is Ari Shafir's Sceptic Tank, which is only available on iTunes and Arithegrate .com.

[2481] And Stitcher.

[2482] And do you have the raw MP3 available on your website?

[2483] Yeah, if someone has a fucking Zoom or something, they can download it?

[2484] Oh, yeah, you can just hit a link for it.

[2485] Yeah, you don't have to be like, it doesn't have...

[2486] Yeah, you don't have to go to iTunes or any of those things.

[2487] Look at that.

[2488] Beautiful.

[2489] Come on, folks.

[2490] It can't get any nicer and smoother and easier.

[2491] When are you going to do a fucking visual version of it like this for you stream?

[2492] We're doing that for the sports podcast.

[2493] Oh!

[2494] But we're not going to do it for a...

[2495] And that's going to be called Punch Chunk coming in a week.

[2496] Did you have a really good one recently when you interviewed a hooker?

[2497] Interviewed a hooker was really good.

[2498] I heard a lot of good stuff about that one.

[2499] Two Holocaust survivors was really good.

[2500] What is the, what episode is the hooker?

[2501] 40.

[2502] It's like two or three again.

[2503] Folks, tomorrow night.

[2504] We'll see you at the Ice House in Pasadena.

[2505] What time is the showtime, Brian?

[2506] 10 o 'clock show, podcast starts at 9 at you stream.

[2507] Ari will be there.

[2508] I'm pretty sure.

[2509] Maybe Arch Barco come.

[2510] He's hilarious.

[2511] Yeah, I would love to have him come.

[2512] All right.

[2513] Let's fucking show's over.

[2514] Good night.

[2515] We love you.