Whitney Cummings

[0] Hi, my name is Whitney Cummings.

[1] And I feel stressed out about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Holy school, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, They'll never we are going to be friends Hey there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend I am joined as always by my trusty assistant Sona Movsessian Hello Although your real name is Talene Talene But you decided to go with Sona I didn't decide My parents just started calling me Sona Why would they give you one name and then just start calling you another It's a long story but Sona's my grandma's name And it's the old lady name And so my parents were like, let's name her something hip.

[3] And so they named me Tallene.

[4] And then my grandpa was like, why aren't you calling her sona?

[5] That's my late wife's name.

[6] And so they just, when I was a month old, they stopped calling me to tell me. Right, right.

[7] It's awful.

[8] Wasn't that long, that story.

[9] What?

[10] Oh, I know your middle name.

[11] I don't need to ask.

[12] Christopher.

[13] I'm counting Christopher O 'Brien.

[14] Matt Goreley is also joining us, as always.

[15] Chris, do you have a middle name, Matt?

[16] Yeah, James.

[17] Oh, Matt James.

[18] Matthew James.

[19] Matthew James.

[20] I thought you might be like a Ulysses or Hallowicious.

[21] You know what I mean?

[22] You have that kind of, like you might have some kind of name like that.

[23] But that's a cool name.

[24] You got a good name.

[25] Yeah, I guess I just finally passed the test, huh?

[26] What are you talking about?

[27] I'm good to you.

[28] You're sure we rib and Josh and Gallivant a little.

[29] Yeah.

[30] I grew up in a family with a lot of brothers, and we used to just, you know, sort of bump up against each other.

[31] Like cubs playing.

[32] When I cuff you, I'm like a giant bear, tearing out a small defenseless cup.

[33] I grew up in a family of polite, kind people.

[34] God.

[35] Yeah.

[36] So what happened?

[37] How did you get out of there?

[38] Civilized.

[39] Yeah.

[40] That sounds boring.

[41] I grew up quite differently.

[42] There were too many of you.

[43] What's that?

[44] There were too many of you.

[45] That's not a nice thing to say about my family.

[46] Six is too many kids.

[47] Yeah.

[48] So which ones do you think shouldn't exist?

[49] Where do you come in that?

[50] I'm kind of in the middle.

[51] Justin for sure should exist Neil, I like Neil, I like Luke I like Kate, I like Jane Okay, yeah, let's go with those Yeah, those five Okay, all right Well, and I'm not even trying to figure out Who's missing there I get the picture Yeah, I was going to ask you guys something Because I will admit I'm not an expert on podcasts And we've determined that But I'm confused about something I went to a event at my son's school And this guy came up to me who's jacked, really in good shape.

[52] And he said, hey, Conan, I really love the podcast.

[53] And I said, oh, well, thank you very much.

[54] And he said, yeah, I do this really intense workout.

[55] He does like a 40 -minute, get your heart rate up, don't stop burpees using every muscle group, explosive action workout.

[56] And he says, and I listened to the podcast during it.

[57] And I was totally mystified because, and I said to him, I can't imagine.

[58] Imagine working out to this podcast.

[59] I understand.

[60] I do work out.

[61] And if you're only hearing my voice, but if you could see me, you'd say that's a guy that works out a lot.

[62] Oh, come on.

[63] You okay?

[64] Yeah.

[65] But I do work out a lot, but I need to listen to music.

[66] Yeah.

[67] And I am a podcast fan, but I cannot be listening to conversation when my heart rate is at like 160.

[68] I think most people are that way.

[69] The reason I would listen to a podcast when I was working on is because I need my brain to be distracted from how miserable I am working out.

[70] And music wouldn't do it.

[71] Right.

[72] I need to be tricked.

[73] No, music completely does it for me. But not for me. Music makes me feel like I'm in a movie and when that song is playing, I'm the hero and I've got to get up that mountain.

[74] No, I'm serious.

[75] And I'm on the treadmill and I actually crank it up.

[76] If it's a really good song I like, I can lift weights that I couldn't normally handle if it's a really good song.

[77] but listening to a reedy -voiced, thin -lipped, beady -eyed comic going, hmm, yes, well, good point.

[78] That doesn't sound like something that was me, by the way.

[79] I can't imagine.

[80] They can't see you.

[81] What?

[82] They can't see you.

[83] You say your voice?

[84] I just picture my voice and this medium not being appropriate to an high -intensity workout.

[85] Yeah, it would be tough to work out to this podcast.

[86] That's what I think.

[87] Yeah.

[88] Yeah, or a lot of podcasts where they talk about glass.

[89] mass figurines, you know, or butterflies or, do you know what I mean, a murder and Encino that was solved easily, but let's talk about it some more.

[90] Do you know what I mean?

[91] Like those podcasts.

[92] What music do you listen to that gets you really fired up?

[93] Uh, any show tune.

[94] What?

[95] Oh, Oklahoma, where the wind comes screaming down the plane and the waving weed, it shows, that really gets you going?

[96] Uh, it does.

[97] Okay.

[98] No, I, I listen to just a like metal.

[99] No, I don't listen to it.

[100] Like metal?

[101] No, I don't listen.

[102] I listen to metal, but I listen to a mash -up of all kinds of songs.

[103] And so you never know what I'm going to be listening to.

[104] I might be listening to some Beastie Boys, but I might also be listening to some brand -new music, like Cole plays first album.

[105] So, you're the stuff that just came out.

[106] And it was all yellow.

[107] I like to go up to our interns and go, Hey, how about that first co -play album is all yellow.

[108] You're making them all sound so cockney.

[109] I know.

[110] They're all just not even alive then.

[111] No, they actually were not.

[112] They were not.

[113] No. They were not.

[114] Yeah.

[115] But anyway, if you're out there right now, now I feel self -conscious, because maybe someone's listening right now and working out.

[116] That guy probably is.

[117] Yeah, and I took him out of it.

[118] No, we can get him back in.

[119] Okay.

[120] Coach him back in.

[121] Yeah.

[122] Hey, this is Conan Brine.

[123] You can do it, man. You can do it.

[124] Run harder.

[125] Run faster.

[126] Come on, I'll sing a song that'll get you going.

[127] And it was all yellow.

[128] I swept a chimney.

[129] I swept at Rio Good.

[130] In me neighborhood.

[131] And it was all yellow.

[132] Mary Poppins, she says that I'm her chum.

[133] I have soot on my thumb.

[134] And it was all yellow.

[135] That guy's now, his heart rate is at 250.

[136] We don't have time for this foolishness.

[137] We have a great guest today.

[138] Yeah.

[139] Terrific guest.

[140] My guest today is a very funny comedian, author, actress, and producer.

[141] She has appeared on Comedy Central Rose and was the co -creator of the CBS show Two Broke Girls.

[142] Her most recent special, Can I Touch It?

[143] Is available on Netflix, and she now hosts the podcast.

[144] Good for You.

[145] Very excited.

[146] She's with us.

[147] Whitney Cummings.

[148] Welcome.

[149] I feel like there are so many different ways that you and I, would probably connect.

[150] I always have a good time.

[151] The times that we've hung out, mostly in your house, you've got to close that window where I'm going to get in.

[152] I don't remember any of this, but...

[153] This is how every great relationship starts.

[154] When I see an open window and a trellis, I come in and chat.

[155] I'm called the Hillside Chatter.

[156] I'd rather be strangled at this point.

[157] The Hillside podcast.

[158] People were like, did he do anything?

[159] No, he didn't touch me. No, he came in and made me record a podcast.

[160] He came in.

[161] I need to call the police.

[162] He's so great.

[163] He's struck, so far, he's struck 45 different locations in the Pacific Northwest and California.

[164] And what has he done?

[165] Mostly chatted, had nice conversations with women that ended with them deciding to be friends.

[166] But no more and no less.

[167] No, you know what's interesting is that we've hung out a couple times in different situations and you're always very funny and very nice.

[168] And then I realized that we have some similarities, which is we've both spent some of our good chunk of our career doing self -deprecating stuff, you know, which we can get into.

[169] And also, one of the things that struck me is I think I heard you say once that you were a very serious kid.

[170] Yeah.

[171] And I thought, oh, okay, I got to ask her about that because that's the disconnect for a lot of people.

[172] they'll meet someone like you and they'll think, oh, she was class clown.

[173] And this is where I can relate to you that I was deadly serious.

[174] I think for me, like, especially when I was a kid, I wanted to be taken very seriously.

[175] I was the youngest.

[176] There were a couple siblings.

[177] Like, I couldn't get any attention.

[178] I thought being a serious adult was like, this is how I'm going to be equal to the adults.

[179] And I would like read the dictionary and study words and try to say big words.

[180] And I think my opinions were just inherently funny.

[181] I wasn't trying to be I was like, this is actually my take on this thing.

[182] And I thought I was engaging in a conversation and people would laugh.

[183] And I was like, oh, I guess my hot take on this is just so ridiculous.

[184] It makes people laugh.

[185] You know, so I didn't, I wasn't trying to be funny.

[186] So they were laughing at you trying to be serious.

[187] At my serious idea.

[188] That's humiliating.

[189] This is a serious bitch.

[190] I remember once my father, I was in a room with my father, I think, and my brother Luke.

[191] And they were talking about something and they were both giving me a hard time about something.

[192] and I was on the couch and I think I would have been like whatever, 14, 15, that kind of grumpy age and I just kind of said I said like, I don't know why you guys are giving me a hard time and I said to my dad, I'm the best one you've got and my dad laughed really hard and my brother Luke laughed really hard and I was like, what?

[193] I meant that to be serious.

[194] What you said was ridiculous but it wasn't ridiculous to you.

[195] Right.

[196] And I still feel like that's what I do and I still think I'm the best they've got We'll get the others on the phone, and two of them will agree.

[197] Like, I remember even, because I was in L .A. for like a year before I started stand -up, maybe two years.

[198] And remember that show?

[199] Everyone hates Chris, the great Chris Rock show.

[200] And someone was telling me about how the actor playing the kid was growing up, you know, and they couldn't keep doing the show because the actor was getting bigger and da -da -da.

[201] And I remember going, oh, well, why don't they just, make everything bigger so he looks smaller, like a really big mug and, like, put him in like a really big chair.

[202] Right, right.

[203] And I thought that was just a good idea.

[204] And people started laughing.

[205] And I just, like, I think I just have ridiculous.

[206] The only thing you didn't, the beard would have been a problem.

[207] That's true.

[208] Like, we'd fix that in pose.

[209] The beard and the very deep voice would have been a problem.

[210] I usually just my solution to a problem that I truly think is a good idea.

[211] See, why is that funny?

[212] I think that's a good idea.

[213] Yes.

[214] And you know what?

[215] It's a terrible idea, and that's why everyone's laughing.

[216] You're jealous?

[217] You're all jealous.

[218] So that was my whole childhood, was just like pitching an idea and people laughing and being like, I'm not, stop laughing.

[219] I wasn't like everyone laugh at me. I was like, stop laughing.

[220] I'm being serious.

[221] Right, right.

[222] I used to, in our neighborhood, to be like these pickup games of basketball.

[223] And I mean very small neighborhood and very unathletic kids.

[224] So I don't want anyone to misinterpret that I was.

[225] in like some kind of cool street basketball game.

[226] But anyway, it was just local kids and we would play at the, and we would get together on this part of our street that had a basketball hoop, and we would play basketball.

[227] And all I would do when I was playing basketball was pretend to be different people.

[228] And I would spend time explaining to everybody.

[229] Now, this guy, he does a lot of blow.

[230] He does a lot of cocaine.

[231] And he's a really selfish player.

[232] And he likes to show people the ball before he lays it up.

[233] And people would be like, what the fuck are you talking?

[234] talking about, and I would say, now this other guy, this other guy, and I would make up these different people, and I would spend a lot of time holding the ball and talking about who I am now.

[235] And that's when I think people started to, I started to realize, oh, okay, there's a problem here, and maybe there's a way to, you know, utilize this somehow.

[236] Was that, like, disassociating, or were you, like, very conscious that you were doing characters?

[237] I just, it's, I think a lot of it's, it wasn't that conscious.

[238] I mean, I wasn't having a mental breakdown.

[239] I thought What you mean?

[240] I wasn't having a...

[241] I mean, it was just like, like, I remember seeing Robin Williams once at the comedy store, and I felt like he was not totally in control of his talent.

[242] It was like he was just going into characters, and it was just so second nature to him.

[243] I was like, it's a gift, really, to be able to do that.

[244] Yeah.

[245] No, I am Robin Williams.

[246] If that's what we're taking from the story.

[247] And I remember Robin saying to me once, and no one else was around, but he said you were every bit as talented as me, if not more.

[248] And I heard that.

[249] Yeah, remember.

[250] So, anyway, don't, don't check.

[251] Yeah, I like people.

[252] I mean, after people are gone, I've noticed there are celebrities that say, I ran into them.

[253] Once the celebrity is gone, they go, like, I remember they're running into them once.

[254] And they said to me, whatever I can do, you're just so much better than me. And you're like, can we have, is there anyone else around?

[255] Can they, to corroborate this story?

[256] Yeah, does someone take a photo or can we get that in writing?

[257] I don't feel like that happened.

[258] They're probably getting you to go away.

[259] Like, when you really, do I mean, when you see?

[260] You see those when, like, celebrity passes away, and then everyone, like, I love picturing people going into their eye photo trying to find the photo of them with the dead celebrity, because everyone's just, like, scrambling.

[261] And then it's them with the dead celebrity, and they're saying, I remember, this was one of the great days of my life.

[262] And it's just, the celebrity took a thousand photos that day.

[263] And you see the celebrity, like, trying to get away from them in the picture.

[264] Like, you know exactly how that went down.

[265] You know that the person was just trying to be nice.

[266] But also, it's, like, their way of commemorating the celebrity is bragging about how, like, I wasted his time once.

[267] Right.

[268] and asked him for a photo at an airport.

[269] Right, right.

[270] And I remember when I took this photo, the athlete, the amazing athlete, turned to me and said, you could have been so much greater than me. I'm a fan of yours.

[271] I'm a fan of yours.

[272] In all the selfies I take with people on the street, it's clear they're trying to get away from me. Oh, that's what it is for me now, yeah.

[273] I make it go too long.

[274] Well, because I have so many questions about my own place in this business, and I'm always like, What do you know me from?

[275] Just like, how do you know me?

[276] Like, I always want it.

[277] And they're like, and then they start breaking down and being like, I don't know.

[278] I saw someone else take a picture with you and I just thought I would.

[279] Like, I don't know.

[280] I thought you were Amanda Pete.

[281] Like, I don't know what this is.

[282] Like, why are you yelling at me?

[283] Shouldn't you know this?

[284] Oh, this is my favorite one.

[285] I get this.

[286] Well, there'll be like a couple of people that say like they want a selfie, right?

[287] And it'll be a group of three.

[288] So there'll be three people.

[289] And one person will say, I get a selfie, I'm like, sure, so I do a selfie.

[290] And then the other person goes, can I go one two?

[291] Yeah, sure.

[292] And then the third person, I'll say, do you want one also?

[293] And they'll say, I'm good.

[294] And I'm always, I'm so needy that I'm always like, what the fuck, you're good?

[295] I know, and you're good.

[296] It takes a second.

[297] Right.

[298] What do you mean, I'm good?

[299] No, I don't want any image of me with you.

[300] You can delete it.

[301] No, I'm good.

[302] What if we used a piece of soap that looked like an iPhone and we could just pretend it for my sake that you wanted a picture with me?

[303] No, no, no, I'm really good.

[304] I get that.

[305] I definitely get that.

[306] And then I get people like, because you notice, you never know how known you are because I think when one person has the audacity to come up and ask, then like 10 people sort of come out of the woodwork and they're like, oh, we'll get one too.

[307] But I get a lot of, like, one person will come take a selfie and then other people start glomming on.

[308] And then as people walk away, they'll be like, who was that?

[309] Yeah, yeah.

[310] Like, they're like, I'll get it and figure it out later.

[311] Right.

[312] type of thing.

[313] And I also get a lot of guys that are like, hey, I don't know who you are, but can we, my girlfriend likes you, so can we just get a pick?

[314] And I'm like, can you just, like, you don't have to hurt my feelings during this exchange.

[315] That's someone needing to let you know, that's about their insecurity.

[316] Yes.

[317] Can I ask you something about when you were young?

[318] Were you tall very young?

[319] No. Huh.

[320] I was not tall very young.

[321] I was, I grew very quickly, fairly late.

[322] Hmm.

[323] Like in your teens?

[324] I was in my 40s.

[325] I was 44, I think.

[326] And I, there was, it was a nuclear accident.

[327] It was near the Fukushima plant.

[328] And anyway, the point is, he said.

[329] That L .A. smog.

[330] Yeah.

[331] I recently, a therapist that I, that I, my therapist, what am I doing?

[332] Why am I a therapist?

[333] I know.

[334] What was that?

[335] That was weird.

[336] Wait a minute.

[337] You've been to therapy?

[338] I was talking to this therapist.

[339] party like what my my therapist that I pay I have a standing appointment for eight years.

[340] This news just in.

[341] Media and Winnie Cummings has had therapy.

[342] I repeat, Westy Cummings has had therapy.

[343] She'll never work again.

[344] Crazy Cummings, they call her.

[345] If she's two minutes late, I unravel.

[346] Like, what is this performance of pretending I don't go to therapy?

[347] You know, I love that you're acting like it's 1928 and you're a presidential candidate.

[348] And I have been to a therapeutic doctor.

[349] Campaign over.

[350] Oh, you know, this therapist I hang out with socially as if you've been.

[351] ever met a therapist at a party.

[352] Now I have so many questions.

[353] But she was telling me about sort of how big of a deal your height is in terms of the way you develop as a person.

[354] Because I have this person in my life who she's very insecure.

[355] She's very emotional.

[356] She's very intense.

[357] And my therapist was like, how tall is she?

[358] And I was like, oh, she's like five, three.

[359] And she's like, oh, well, yeah, she's short.

[360] She's scared.

[361] Just her amygda gets activated more easily because she's short and she's scared.

[362] And it just was this weird thing that I just never thought of.

[363] And I think that I had to be more precocious as a kid because I was tall, very young.

[364] So you were tall young because women do develop faster.

[365] People knew or people thought I was older than I was.

[366] So I kind of had to pretend I was older than I was.

[367] And I think I got more serious than I should have been given my height.

[368] I was always blown away by the fact that when I was in grade school, there was like two kids.

[369] There was one kid in particular.

[370] He was just much taller than the rest of us.

[371] And I think like in fifth grade or sixth grade, he had stubble and a deep voice.

[372] and he had a way of walking around where he sort of was like the Marlboro Man. And I was, I was an animated Japanese little girl, you know.

[373] I was like, and I couldn't, I looked at this guy and he'd be like, you know, okay, all right.

[374] And he had a girlfriend.

[375] And I just, it was, I was so far removed.

[376] And I remember him thinking, oh, my God, that's an adult.

[377] He's an adult.

[378] So then I think I ran into him at a reunion later on.

[379] and he's short.

[380] Which was just such a, such a, it blew my mind that he was this giant to me. And it turns out, and it's not that he's short, but he's like, you know, he's like five, nine.

[381] And I'm just like, oh, you know, I'm not, it's not what.

[382] It was a mirage.

[383] Yes, it's like when you go back to your elementary school and all of the, all of the water fountains are like an inch off the ground.

[384] Yeah, so true.

[385] And you think, I remember trying to leap up.

[386] There's like a little hook and you're like, how did I even get my face?

[387] How did I even get my face under that little?

[388] Our faces were shaped different then.

[389] We had long pouty lips.

[390] By the way, what was that little thing that covered the water spout?

[391] That was, I think, I don't know why that was there.

[392] What was that?

[393] It serves no real purpose, frankly.

[394] You got to think that there was some theory in the 50s or the 60s when they were putting that in.

[395] We need this to protect us from the communists.

[396] If communists see our gums, they'll defeat us.

[397] You would just hit your face on it and get like impetigo or so.

[398] Like it served no purpose for the water.

[399] I've never thought about that before.

[400] What's impotigo?

[401] Impetigo.

[402] Does anyone know what impetigo is?

[403] I might even be saying it wrong.

[404] It's like a skin infection.

[405] I forgot about how many...

[406] Oh, you mean impetigo.

[407] Am I saying it wrong?

[408] No, I just said that.

[409] I just said that.

[410] I have no idea what it is.

[411] But I wanted to make you insecure and it works.

[412] Oh, you mean impetigo?

[413] Where's this impotigo?

[414] I guess I'm going to have to start going to therapy because you just made me insecure.

[415] Well, if only you knew a therapist.

[416] I, no, I have friends having kids now.

[417] You've been, um, already through all this.

[418] Like, I forgot about how much like head lice I had as a kid, how I had a face infection.

[419] Remember head lice?

[420] Yeah, did you have headlice?

[421] Why you're turning to this random guy in our studio, Aaron Blair, and saying, remember headlice?

[422] Because I thought like I was bombing and I feel like he's more likely to fake laugh at me. What?

[423] You thought you were bombing with me?

[424] Yeah, I was like, I'm giving it up left and right.

[425] I know it was so true.

[426] I had a facial, infectious.

[427] called impetigo.

[428] It was like a skin infection that kind of looked like acne when I was a kid, and I had at the same time I had head lice.

[429] And this went on for like two years, yeah.

[430] And I think we just...

[431] You hideous ghoul.

[432] I was.

[433] I was.

[434] It was called impotigo.

[435] Maybe we found an antibiotic or I wasn't vaccinated properly.

[436] Remember when you had leprosy?

[437] Yeah, I told you to think.

[438] Remember?

[439] And both your hands fell off?

[440] And my jaundice or whatever it was.

[441] And...

[442] I lived in a wheelbarrow.

[443] What is wrong with you?

[444] I have a lot of questions about the vaccines I did or didn't get.

[445] But I had, and that's just a really traumatic thing as a kid having, you know, acne and stuff like that.

[446] So what would you say were the things that were either good in your life when you were a kid or not so good that probably helped you be funny?

[447] Oh, what a great question.

[448] My dad, you know, I think we love to beat up on our dads and moms for not being good parents it's like very in vogue right now but like they had no tools so a couple of things i'm going to say are going to you're going to cringe because we now look at it as bad parenting or maybe like abuse you guys would all make out because we did that too i feel like the incest really took me to another level as a comedian we did a lot of group making out in my time oh oh hey it was a lot i mean it was an irish thing we were poor i mean we were i slept with my mom until i was like 13 i mean there's a lot of shit that looking back now, people are like, well, it's just, it's crazy that, you know, my baby's eight months old and she's still in bed with me. And I'm like, oh, is that bad?

[449] Because I did that until I was a full -on adult.

[450] But I, my dad was very, for lack of a better word, like paranoid and questioned authority all the time.

[451] And I remember we would be reading like textbooks to study for quizzes.

[452] And he'd be like, well, how do we know this book is right?

[453] Like, who decides this?

[454] And it was so annoying at the time because I just needed to learn whatever was in there.

[455] But he was like, who wrote this book?

[456] Like, how do we know this is true?

[457] Like, he would, and it seemed so crazy.

[458] Yeah, George Washington was the first president.

[459] Really according to who?

[460] But he would just be like, yeah, this letter from George Washington, like, who knows who wrote this?

[461] Like, there's no proof of any of this.

[462] And he would just sort of, like, go in these, like, rants about it.

[463] And, you know, we go to the grocery store and it would say, like, organic apple.

[464] He's like, who decides this?

[465] They put a stick.

[466] How do we know this is true?

[467] Like, he would just, like, hold up the line, you know, in grocery stores, questioning things and challenging things, and it was super embarrassing at the time.

[468] Yeah.

[469] But it really did plant the seed in my head to always play devil's advocate, and that's kind of would stand abyss.

[470] Right, right.

[471] You know, like, he wouldn't pay bills on, he'd be like, ah, this can't be true.

[472] I don't remember this at.

[473] Like, he just, like, he just didn't believe anyone or anything ever.

[474] Like, someone would tell us something, you're, yeah, but you can't believe him because, you know, what he...

[475] You can take it too far.

[476] You know, I mean, you can get, he could get behind the wheel and say, I don't believe this wheel.

[477] It determines the direction of the car.

[478] I think my mind does, you know, and then later.

[479] in the hospital, you know, maybe it was the wheel.

[480] Like, we'd go to a restaurant and I would say, like, what's good to the waiter?

[481] And they would say, like, the pasta, and they would say, like, the pasta, and he's like, you can't trust him.

[482] He works here.

[483] Like, how do you know that there's something about the this?

[484] And you can't believe him.

[485] He has a stake in it.

[486] Like, of course he's going to tell you that.

[487] Like, he just convinced me everyone was always lying to me, which really damaged my ability to have relationships.

[488] But it does sort of develop this little muscle in your brain to question everything, which is, I think, kind of what we do in a way.

[489] Yeah.

[490] I think it's obviously very in vogue for people to question how they were raised and a lot of times I just think, I don't know, I'm more of the everybody did the best they could school of thought.

[491] But yeah, I always get a little squeamish if someone wants to find what happened, what was wrong in your family that made you funny and I think, no, I don't think it's that.

[492] I really do think I come, there's something wrong with like very Irish Catholic people.

[493] There's something wrong with our brain.

[494] and I believe, because my father is a scientist and he was always sort of looking at me going, yes, yes, something's wrong with you.

[495] What is the epigenetics of that?

[496] Is it from like the famine or?

[497] I think it's a, I really do believe Ireland is a rock.

[498] And everybody lived in a small town and they all married each other.

[499] Yeah.

[500] And so I believe that.

[501] You're like the King Charles Terrier of.

[502] Yes.

[503] I'm the King.

[504] They're cute, they're gorgeous, but then there's just almost a little off.

[505] Yeah, and I've joked about being 100 % genetically Irish, which I am, and I've, I've joked about that.

[506] Well, I come from Scotch Irish, so that is like a very, I'm going to get in trouble for this, I'm sure, but as a generalization of like a truculent bunch that essentially moved into West Virginia where the terrain was very hard to master, and it just, it bred of sort of very particular kind of personality.

[507] Right.

[508] There's a great book called Born Fighters.

[509] that the therapist I've met once told me to read just about the epigenetics.

[510] You're constantly running into therapists.

[511] I don't know their names.

[512] Like, I don't know who they are.

[513] And they quickly diagnose you while they're handing you a burger through a drive -thru window.

[514] I'm like, I'm mentally just like nailing it.

[515] And that was a book that was really interesting to me because that's part of my, the epigenetics of sort of my heritage.

[516] You're using good words.

[517] Thanks.

[518] Words I don't know.

[519] Yes, you do.

[520] No, I didn't know that.

[521] You're like the smartest person.

[522] No, I'm not.

[523] I mean, I'll people think that, but I didn't, I don't, I'm being very honest with you.

[524] I don't know the word epigenetics.

[525] Epigenetics is basically just sort of like the, um, how the trauma of our ancestors imprinted on our genes.

[526] So essentially like, you know, they did these studies with mice where they electrocuted them every time they smelled a cherry blossom.

[527] And their offspring, when their offspring smelled a cherry blossom, they got scared and ran away.

[528] It's the same reason babies are afraid of a picture of a spider, even though they don't know what a spider is.

[529] It's just like certain fears are wired into us based on what happened to our.

[530] ancestors.

[531] So it's like if you're super...

[532] I've heard this theory that you can inherit a fear that isn't rational.

[533] That's right.

[534] I'm terrified of the T -Rex.

[535] And I've always been terrified at the T -Rex.

[536] You should be.

[537] And yet I've never encountered one, but I know my ancestors did.

[538] Now we're going to get someone to write in, actually dinosaurs and homocipians never coexisted.

[539] There was a nine million year gap.

[540] I can't wait until that person.

[541] You have some smart fans.

[542] I bet it's a nightmare.

[543] Error, Conan, error.

[544] I've caught you this time.

[545] Do you mind if I take it's getting warm.

[546] Can I take off my jacket?

[547] Please, no. I'm not going to call Godin Farrow if you take off your jacket.

[548] It's like Brad Pitt in the Hollywood movie when he's on the roof.

[549] The Hollywood movie.

[550] What's it called?

[551] Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

[552] Once Upon a Time in La La Land.

[553] Okay, sorry.

[554] Last time I was on your show, the other one, we were talking about comments or people leaving comments or something.

[555] And you looked at me very seriously and you were like, you can't read your comments.

[556] Yeah, you can't.

[557] It was dead serious.

[558] You were not being facetious.

[559] And it was almost like we weren't on TV for a second.

[560] You just looked at me like as a friend.

[561] And you're like, you can't read your comments.

[562] No good.

[563] And you know what?

[564] Any constructive criticism that you're going to get in your life.

[565] And I don't even mean criticism.

[566] I mean advice, is going to come from the people in your life that you care about.

[567] They're going to let you know.

[568] You don't need anything from anybody else.

[569] And so I am stunned when comedians, really anybody, but when comedians I really admire, particularly who are a very sensitive lot and sometimes dealing with some damage, when they go and read anonymous comments about their work or their appearance, I just want to like, slap them and say stop.

[570] I mean, I can't, I'm not allowed to slap you.

[571] You, like, went cold.

[572] Yeah.

[573] And said it in a way that I actually needed, and that's what I needed to really hear it, you know?

[574] And because I was just like, damn, he's not joking.

[575] No, no, no, you can't do it.

[576] You cannot, uh, I, I've encountered people.

[577] I'll say it because I think he'd, he'd be okay with me saying.

[578] Barack Obama.

[579] Barack Obama, uh, once and he and I used to do it.

[580] We were an improv class.

[581] and he was like I'm worried about these comments I'm getting I'm getting I did Gary Shanling once came on my show and it was he had been on the show before and he was talking to me about the comments he read the last time he was on the show on the internet and I was like Gary you can't read comments people were just saying random things and you know here's this brilliantly funny talented man who was in the 1 % of the 1 % of the 1 % of the 1 % of comedians, and he's reading what some faceless, nameless, you know, asshole has to say about him.

[582] And I thought, no, that is, and of course, we all have the same flaw, which is you're going to, when you're performing, you're going to, if 180 people in a room are laughing, but one is not, you're going to see that person.

[583] Oh, they want to care about.

[584] Yeah.

[585] And then you're going to want to be with them.

[586] That's me. Whether it was man or woman, if you're not, if you're not laughing, I am pansexual.

[587] I want you to be inside me. Yes, exactly.

[588] Any iteration.

[589] I just want everyone inside me. And that'll be the pull quote from this one.

[590] But anyway, I just, I, you cannot.

[591] Yeah.

[592] I really believe the internet is something that our brains, humans have been developing very slowly evolving for, you know, $300 ,000, $350 ,000.

[593] a 350, I'm obsessed with what I'm making per second off of others' misery 350, 350 ,000 years.

[594] That's in your head for some reason.

[595] Yeah, it is.

[596] I'm constantly, every second, I'm monetizing everything.

[597] And if you were to start, is that how much blue aprons pay in your money?

[598] Oh my God.

[599] The fracture people, the fracture prints, Fracture prints.

[600] Word.

[601] Oh, my God, yeah.

[602] Oh, yeah, you get fracture prints.

[603] I get them.

[604] Do you ever look at the ads you get and it, like, holds up a mirror and you're like, oh, this is who I am.

[605] Or this is my demographic.

[606] Yeah, there'll be times, there's now a lot of Roman, you know, sexual.

[607] The swipes?

[608] Well, what's a swipe?

[609] Roman swipes?

[610] No, Roman.

[611] Is it Roman for erections?

[612] Yeah.

[613] Well, I think ultimately everything's for erection.

[614] That's so true.

[615] If you're at a certain age and a certain state of mind, like, you can get an, you can get erect looking at an outlet, an electrical outlet.

[616] Look at that outlet.

[617] Oh, man, I'd know what to do with that.

[618] Isn't Roman the brand?

[619] Yeah, Roman is the brand of you can discreetly, and I only know about this because I read the ads, but you can discreetly get medication for...

[620] But they're also the one I get.

[621] So this is very telling.

[622] I get Roman wipes.

[623] They're like baby wipes that you put on yourself to keep an erection.

[624] Why do I get those and you get the, pills.

[625] I've never heard of a baby wipe that you put on yourself.

[626] That's what, yes, I read that an erection.

[627] Yes, they're not giving me, I think someone, I think someone's playing a joke on you.

[628] I think there's no such product.

[629] That's not even a real company.

[630] Yeah, it's not a real product.

[631] They're just trying to see, like, if I'll read anything.

[632] You know that ad you do for a microwave oven that gives you an erection?

[633] That's a joke, Whitney.

[634] I'm getting prank to, uh, no, there's, I get, but I'm just fascinated.

[635] Tired of making microwave cookies and not getting an erection.

[636] Put your dick in it This special insertion To put your dick in it's like Special code Whitney Like I do the whole thing Hashtag Unreal 20 % off Dick Microw Hashtag microiract Whitney I feel like none of these are real This is such a good thing No I've never heard of a wipe that you use This is for them But we get different ads We get different There's a conversation where they're going to This is for Conan and this is for Whitney Because her audience is like this They like baby wipes Or they like you know And then he wants to that.

[637] Well, it's totally random.

[638] It can seem random to me. I don't know what it is.

[639] The ones I really get confused, if there are ads where I read sometimes, and you can hear me do it because I'm very honest in the ads about.

[640] And I love, to me, that's one of my favorite part of podcasts, is listening to the host read ads.

[641] And so I will just say, there'll be ads that are, I have no head for business or for, you know, running an office.

[642] I just, I got into comedy to avoid that.

[643] And there'll be ads that say things like, you know, if you had to help you with your business, there's nothing about the ad that describes what it really does.

[644] You know what I'm talking about?

[645] I'm not being very articulate about it.

[646] I don't know if it's okay for me to say the product, but Zorro .com advertises, and he, Conan has, he's done it so many times, has no idea what it is.

[647] And I always say during the ad, I don't know what this is, Zorro.

[648] Help me. I love it.

[649] No one's ever reached out to me. They keep buying ads.

[650] And it keeps saying like, so for your business and infrastructure, you can move through platforms more easily.

[651] make sure that your managerial chain has the, and I'm like, what is it managerial chain?

[652] And if it was a wipe that would make me a rat, I'm happy.

[653] I know what I'm doing.

[654] But I, that makes me like the company more because I'm like, if they're cool with Conan talking about their company like that, I like these people.

[655] I want to see what this company is, you know?

[656] Like, I just think everyone's so smart now and savvy that you, that's the best way to read an ad is to just be honest and authentic about it and say, I have no fucking clue what this is.

[657] I mean, I'll literally be like, insert your own experience here.

[658] I don't have any.

[659] Anyway, backslime, like, I just, I don't know how to be, it's like, I think that we're such right brain people that left brain stuff, like I just, I cannot do logistics.

[660] It's a hieroglyphics to me. I think, I think initially when I was, when they proposed the idea of doing a podcast to me, I said, well, wait a minute.

[661] Do I have to read ads?

[662] And they said, yeah.

[663] And I said, yeah, I don't know, I don't know that I could do that because my whole life is just being myself.

[664] Yeah.

[665] So I don't know if I could do that.

[666] And then I said, am I allowed to just say whatever I think about the ad?

[667] And they said, yeah.

[668] And I thought, oh, well, that's different because I will make it very clear to the person listening.

[669] I think it's quite clear I've just been handed this piece of paper.

[670] And to me, that I think.

[671] I'm just, by the way, we're just destroying our business model.

[672] This is so meta.

[673] Unless it's Porsche, a fine machine.

[674] I feel like the closest to you when I'm hearing you read ads and kind of be like, huh?

[675] Like, what is, I don't really know what this is.

[676] Like, to me, that makes me feel like I'm hanging out with you.

[677] Right.

[678] And I think people demand that now.

[679] Right.

[680] It's not enough to be talented and funny and have shows.

[681] You have to be someone's best friend.

[682] Like, and that's just the new business model.

[683] It's just everyone has to be able to have access to you all the time.

[684] And I think that is to me when I'm like, this isn't scripted.

[685] I know no one else is doing this.

[686] I know he's never done this before.

[687] I know this isn't rehearsed.

[688] Like, I truly feel like I'm in a room with him.

[689] Right.

[690] You know, I think the ads are some of my favorite things to listen to on podcasts.

[691] Do you, let's talk about what you're going through now.

[692] in your life.

[693] I want to take you through, I want you to tell me what's, what's Whitney going through now?

[694] What's, what is your journey now?

[695] What are you working on?

[696] What would you do if I said, well, Whitney right now is going through some, would you say something?

[697] If I referred to myself as Whitney, I'm just curious.

[698] I'd say, well, you're probably a really good NBA player.

[699] Occasionally they refer to themselves in the third person.

[700] Can you imagine if I just started talking a third person?

[701] I think we should just both do it.

[702] So right now Whitney is really busy.

[703] Whitney's just taking care of Whitney right now.

[704] Whitney's just doing her.

[705] Whitney's slaying.

[706] I'm just trying to think of how we could possibly react to someone who behave that way.

[707] I am...

[708] Like, can I get personal?

[709] Can I ask you...

[710] Please.

[711] Are you in a relationship right now?

[712] I was engaged and I'm not engaged anymore.

[713] Okay.

[714] Because planning a wedding was too stressful for me. Okay.

[715] Because I'm not good at logistics and I felt too much pressure.

[716] And it's actually kind of...

[717] Are you still with the person just not engaged?

[718] Not currently.

[719] Okay.

[720] All right.

[721] So it blew up the whole thing.

[722] Yeah.

[723] My personality just blew it right up.

[724] Well, no. I'm not saying that the calling off of the engagement disright, sort of disrupted the whole thing.

[725] It was like, let's put a pause.

[726] Let's just like put a pin in this.

[727] Right.

[728] And it's actually wow, because I haven't really been talking about it much.

[729] This is the first time I've talked about it, certainly on a podcast.

[730] And it's so hard for me to tell people because it's just so hard on them.

[731] Their reaction is so wild.

[732] They're like, oh, you were so close.

[733] Oh, my God.

[734] Like, it's so hard for them.

[735] Which is not what you need to hear.

[736] Yeah.

[737] I feel like I have to take care of everybody else in this moment.

[738] I also, you know, I'm living alone again.

[739] And there's something really wild that happens when you live alone in your 30s where everyone thinks you're like going to fall.

[740] Everyone's just like, well, what's going to happen if you fall?

[741] I'm like, how are you walking around your house?

[742] I'm in my 30s.

[743] Like, I walk very slowly.

[744] I wear shoes sometimes.

[745] Like, people are really upset about the idea of me falling in my house.

[746] house and no one being able to call.

[747] That's so funny you say this because my doctor recently, I just had a regular checkup and he went, now one thing you do need to think about is you are quite tall.

[748] So if you fell, that could be bad.

[749] And I thought, we're having a fall conversation?

[750] I'm a very healthy, relatively young man. And you're having the fall conversation with me?

[751] I was shocked.

[752] And then you are a lot younger than me. And I'm like, it was a comedian thing.

[753] I don't know.

[754] No, and they're like, well, you could fall.

[755] And I thought, like, who's helping you, Conan, who's helping you get to the toilet?

[756] But do I don't look like I could get back up if I did fall?

[757] Like, it's just, it was, I'm telling you, I would say 60 % of the people I bring up, I'm single again now and I'm living alone, they're like, well, what if you, this is how I get a lot, what if you slip in the shower?

[758] Yeah.

[759] Oh, my God.

[760] Because that's the only reason you were in a relationship.

[761] It was that or get grab bars.

[762] I know, I love that that is the reason everyone's getting married.

[763] A spouse is really just a grab bar.

[764] Is that really what we've reduced marriage to?

[765] I'm just someone to call in ambulance when you fall.

[766] I mean, it's just a...

[767] Do you take this grab bar to be near you when you shower and near the toilet?

[768] No, but everyone is worried I'm going to slip in the shower and I'm like, how are you showering?

[769] I get in, I stand there, I wash my...

[770] And then I get out.

[771] Like, there's no...

[772] There's not a ton of movement.

[773] Oh, that's how you do it.

[774] I...

[775] I suds up my feet, real good.

[776] Before I get in, one foot at a time.

[777] and then I get in and I just start pouring the oil everywhere and then I just move like Shakira as fast as I can and then we see what happens and half the time I fall I mean it's just like I've never been in my house and been like well whoa it's never happened no I know and look I know that yes I'm not I know that we're going to get to a place in our lives I understand that there's going to be a time in my life when I need to worry about a fall but the fact that my doctor brought it up now really upset me. But it's a lot.

[778] Yeah.

[779] It's like when I went to, I froze my eggs when I was 32, and then I went back in to see if I was going to freeze more eggs or freeze embryos or whatever.

[780] I thought you went back in to look at the eggs.

[781] Just to check them out.

[782] I just want to see if they're hatching properly.

[783] They're behind the sorbet.

[784] I just want to check in on them.

[785] I don't want to be a deadbeat mom.

[786] Like I want to like visit my eggs.

[787] You know, let them know I'm near.

[788] We talk those.

[789] I don't know my responsibility to them at all.

[790] They're like in her most.

[791] They have like a beachfront view.

[792] They are.

[793] My abs live in Hormosa?

[794] They do.

[795] That's fantastic.

[796] That's where the fertility place is.

[797] So weird.

[798] And so I went in and the doctor was like, oh, you know, if you wanted to do like in vitro or any of those things, because it would be a geriatric pregnancy.

[799] So anything over 35 is considered geriatric.

[800] And it's just like, I'm not like a stickler about words, but that is just like, I was like, I feel like we can beat that.

[801] for us.

[802] And I was like, do you have to call geriatric?

[803] And he had such a rehearsed response.

[804] Like, it's clear every woman freaks out when he says that.

[805] And he's like, I know we're working on it.

[806] Also, can I just say, we live in an era where you're constantly seeing in the news that a 62 -year -old woman gave birth.

[807] Now, granted, the kids all look like Civil War generals.

[808] They, they They, they have felt hats and long beards.

[809] missing fingers It's a peg leg Yeah Wham, wah, shee They're all just racist Yeah, they're terribly racist They're from the Antibone South Anyway, the point is Now we'll get a call Now we'll get Antibank counting After the war, yeah Whatever But anyway, the point being that Yeah, that seems unfair I think that that seems narrow My, that's the wrong term It is what it is it's just sort of an, it's like the word secretary.

[810] Like, it's just like, like, I was having conversation with someone the day, and he was like, my secretary, and I was like, ooh, like that was just such a odd word.

[811] Yeah.

[812] Even though, do you know what I mean?

[813] Like, imagine.

[814] Yeah, if Conan never called me his secretary.

[815] I was like, what?

[816] I'm not over here.

[817] I don't know what I am.

[818] What are you?

[819] Because you're not my assistant.

[820] I am your assistant.

[821] But an assistant would assist.

[822] Okay.

[823] Oh, I'm sorry.

[824] I love your relationship.

[825] You are my, you are.

[826] You're legally, legally bound because if you ever leave, you can sue him.

[827] You are my, you are my paid tormentor.

[828] Yeah.

[829] No, Sona and I are in this for the long haul.

[830] But I'm not, like, I'm very humble to biology and science.

[831] I think just, it's like biology sexist, sorry.

[832] And, but I do, I do think all these sort of like really rich women getting pregnant in their 50s, it's going to make people go like, oh, I can get pregnant.

[833] It's like, no, you can't.

[834] It's $350 ,000 probably dollars to do that.

[835] There's a thing that's true for men, too, which is once you've had kids and you know what the toll it takes on your life and how much energy you need to have, the idea that, and it's not that I'm against it, but when I think, when guys think, oh, I'll have a kid when I'm 65, I think, do you know what's involved?

[836] Do you understand what's involved?

[837] You might fall.

[838] Yes.

[839] You're already, you're already in the fall zone.

[840] You'll fall on the child.

[841] Here I go.

[842] The one thing I want to do when I do fall, whenever that is, is say, here I go as I go down.

[843] I, this is actually true.

[844] So I recently fell.

[845] So you did fall.

[846] This wasn't at home.

[847] It wasn't at home.

[848] It wasn't at home.

[849] And I was, I have a horse that I work with.

[850] And I was like, your sentence is so crazy right now.

[851] I did fall.

[852] I have a horse.

[853] We live in a pyramid.

[854] Each word you say is so crazy.

[855] I speak in limericks, and I was on the side of a fence, and I was trying to mount my cell phone to video myself with my horse.

[856] This is even more embarrassing.

[857] And so I was, like, standing on a fence to try to put my phone on something, and there was a, like, a concrete wall and the fence, and I fell and almost hit my head on the concrete wall.

[858] And I was going down, and I saw the concrete wall, and I was like, oh, you're about to, die.

[859] Like, you're about to break your neck.

[860] Like, I had it.

[861] And then I went, um, I went, oh, come on.

[862] I don't know if I was going to die or not, but I think the closest I've come to it, that was what I thought.

[863] Oh, come on.

[864] Because you're probably thinking like, this is how I go.

[865] It was like, oh, not today.

[866] Like, it was such a weird thought.

[867] And I don't know if it was just because on some sort of primordial, like subconscious level, I knew I wasn't going to die.

[868] So that's what I thought.

[869] But I did go, oh, you're about to die.

[870] And I just But, oh, come on, like, what a hassle.

[871] Like, I have to die today, like, on top of everything else I have to do.

[872] Like, am I dressed for the corner?

[873] Yeah, totally.

[874] It's just the right outfit for the corner.

[875] I should have put on some, like, lip gloss.

[876] Like, what?

[877] It was just felt like a hassle.

[878] It was just.

[879] And then the horse was like, your friends were right.

[880] You're going to fall.

[881] I mean, I don't.

[882] Horse is top.

[883] We sure do.

[884] It is wild, though, when you talk to people that are married and they're like, well, what's going to happen if you fall?

[885] I'm like, is that why you got married?

[886] It's the only reason.

[887] I think.

[888] Um, but, uh, but yeah, so that was kind of a journey, uh, I hate when people say journey.

[889] Um, but I also was just like the wedding's too overwhelming.

[890] Like I'm very codependent.

[891] I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, you know, so I think for me, it's like the idea of planning a wedding and not inviting people.

[892] It just brings up a lot of shit.

[893] Yeah, yeah.

[894] But everyone wants to go like, well, why don't you just go down to city hall?

[895] Why don't you just like, well, if you want me to go downtown, then we'll definitely break up.

[896] I mean, that, that to me, like, looking for part.

[897] marking we're going to break up.

[898] No, if I had had to go to downtown L .A. To marry my wife, it wouldn't have happened.

[899] Like I get why people...

[900] We went to Seattle in the rain.

[901] And that was easier...

[902] Oh, that sounds nice.

[903] Seattle in the rain, really?

[904] I love the rain.

[905] Oh, well, it was a...

[906] You got married in Seattle.

[907] My wife's from Seattle.

[908] Oh, cool.

[909] So we went up there and we got married in, uh, in, what was it?

[910] It was in January.

[911] And it was so dark and it was raining really hard.

[912] And it was such a...

[913] contrast, because in the morning, we got up really early and flew to Mexico for our honeymoon.

[914] So it was just contrast.

[915] Yeah.

[916] And we woke up in the morning, and we were staying in this, like, kind of nice hotel, and who walks in, but Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[917] Oh, my God.

[918] And he said, I saw on the news that you got married.

[919] And I was like, I can't handle.

[920] I was just in Seattle in the rain and the dark.

[921] And now Arnold Schwarzenegger is at the next table in Mexico going, I saw all the news that you got mad.

[922] Congratulations.

[923] And then I'll never forget this.

[924] A guy walked up with a telephone that was actually like a, you know, like a, it was like a cell phone, but it was one of those ones that attaches to the wall kind of cell phones.

[925] This guy walked up, a waiter walked up and handed him a phone and said, call for you, Mr. Schwarzenegger.

[926] And he extended the antenna and he put it to his head, hit to his ear and he went, hello.

[927] I don't know why.

[928] Cartoon villain.

[929] He went, hello.

[930] And I don't know why, but I remember that more than I remember my honey.

[931] I remember the rest of my honeymoon.

[932] I remembered a giant Arnold Schwarzenegger head congratulating me. And then a cell phone going up to his ear and him going, hello.

[933] What did he say?

[934] Leave him alone.

[935] It's fine.

[936] He's grandfathered is.

[937] He's going to fall any day.

[938] Here I go.

[939] I mean, I just never, my whole thing with falling is I just hope I catch it on the ring camera.

[940] That's my big thing is if I fall, just make sure you get it.

[941] You want the video.

[942] Just get it.

[943] Make sure you get it.

[944] Our time has come to an end.

[945] You're really good about ending podcasts.

[946] It's impressive.

[947] I know some podcasts go on for like four hours, and I think they should leave them wanting more.

[948] Yeah, yeah, tighten it up.

[949] And you've done that.

[950] I love talking to you.

[951] I really do.

[952] And I...

[953] So is it an intimidating one to come on?

[954] Well, I hope that's not true.

[955] It is.

[956] In a good way.

[957] It's a compliment.

[958] Very funny, very beautiful, very cool persons.

[959] Thank you for being here.

[960] Thank you.

[961] Be well.

[962] Go into the world and be well.

[963] And don't fall.

[964] People do like to hear about the real workings of our life together, Sona.

[965] And I think that it's good to have a very intimate connection with our audience.

[966] So let's talk about why you were late today for work.

[967] I don't know if we wanted to be that intimate.

[968] Well, it's not a big deal.

[969] You had a medical procedure.

[970] You contacted me this morning and said I'm having a procedure.

[971] It won't take long and I'll be a little late.

[972] Yeah.

[973] I had a cyst removed from my shoulder.

[974] Can I just say trigger warning?

[975] Because last time we started with you chewing, Conan, and people got really pissed.

[976] So there's probably going to be some pus talk or something.

[977] There is.

[978] There might be.

[979] And I'm going to say there are definitely people who love puss and people who don't.

[980] My entire bachelorette party was popping a black head.

[981] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[982] All the girls were, this is so gross.

[983] I don't know if I want to talk about this.

[984] Well, it's too late now.

[985] Continue.

[986] you.

[987] Well, what ended up being a cyst was originally a blackhead.

[988] And I have friends who love popping blackhead.

[989] So all weekend long, they were just popping the blackhead.

[990] Wait, how many times can you pop it?

[991] Don't you just pop it once?

[992] No, it was a really big blackhead.

[993] Oh, and this was on your wedding?

[994] No, it was my bachelorette party.

[995] Because at your wedding, I thought that thing on your shoulder was a parrot.

[996] It was huge.

[997] It wasn't, it wasn't that big.

[998] This is your blackhead?

[999] Yeah, it was on my shoulder.

[1000] And now, and then it was a cyst.

[1001] And now that I have.

[1002] How did you, how did you cover, what's, we'll get to this just in a second, but how did you try and hide it?

[1003] I was at your wedding.

[1004] You looked quite lovely, I will say.

[1005] I didn't, I don't remember there being any, did you cover it up with makeup?

[1006] It's not noticeable.

[1007] It was just like a little tiny bump and it has, you know, it's a blackhead.

[1008] Right.

[1009] It's just.

[1010] And so your friends.

[1011] It was a never -ending, well, a bus.

[1012] So wait, so your friends just kept attacking your blackhead for your bachelor's party.

[1013] Yeah.

[1014] We were all hanging around the pool.

[1015] And then there were some people who were like, I can't even look at that.

[1016] And others who are like, let me have my turn popping the blackhead.

[1017] Oh my God.

[1018] Would they do it barehanded?

[1019] Yeah.

[1020] Well, no, they use salad tongs.

[1021] You know, everybody has friends who love seeing that stuff.

[1022] I don't have any friends that would be into that.

[1023] That's not true.

[1024] You do.

[1025] You just don't talk about it with them.

[1026] I don't even know how that would come up.

[1027] Well, like when I got my cyst on my back removed, I took a photo and sent it to some of my friends.

[1028] Okay.

[1029] So today, this blackhead turned into a cyst.

[1030] And then you sent me a thing this morning It said I'm going to be late Yeah, yeah And you were asking me if it's okay Yeah, and you said yeah, of course Which was really nice of you, thank you Well, I, you know, what are you gonna do When someone has a cysts, they gotta have it removed Yeah What better time than during work hours So there it is There it is It's fine There it is Other times you could have done it But anyway, we're going to do shows on Fridays But so Friday's a good sis day When I was raised, Friday was always cis day.

[1031] But I think globally Friday is cyst day.

[1032] But whatever.

[1033] You decided it's a Tuesday and this will help me give me time to get an egg McMuffin.

[1034] So what happened?

[1035] They took out the cysts?

[1036] So there was originally a cyst on my back.

[1037] I got that removed three weeks ago.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] What's going on with you?

[1040] I am cystic.

[1041] I don't know.

[1042] I honestly have no idea.

[1043] They said it just happens.

[1044] There's nothing that.

[1045] So it's not like a curse or...

[1046] I've had that happen, too.

[1047] I've had two sisters move.

[1048] One in Hawaii and one that was in my lip, and they had to pack it with gauze.

[1049] I love that you said one in Hawaii and one on my lip.

[1050] What a dumb thing to say.

[1051] Hey, fuck you.

[1052] Where were they?

[1053] One in Hawaii and one on my lip.

[1054] Yeah, that's fair.

[1055] Wow, that's great.

[1056] That's fair.

[1057] That's terrific.

[1058] I take that fuck you back.

[1059] Although, I mean, there was a certain poetry to that I liked.

[1060] That's the strangest Strangest sentence, I think I've ever heard One in Hawaii, one in my lip and one in my memory.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] Yeah.

[1063] So, okay, and so, Sona, here's the thing.

[1064] I've not had much removed from myself in my life.

[1065] I have not.

[1066] Weird way to word that.

[1067] I haven't.

[1068] I've been very fortunate that way.

[1069] But when I was a kid, I had appendicitis, and I had a bad case of appendicitis, and I remembered I was desperate.

[1070] I wanted to see my appendix when they took it out.

[1071] And I begged the doctor before they put me under.

[1072] I think I was like 12.

[1073] Like, can I see my appendix?

[1074] Can I just keep it afterwards?

[1075] I want to look at it.

[1076] I don't want to see it.

[1077] And they were like, yeah, sure.

[1078] And they put the gas.

[1079] And then I woke up and they were like, no, we tossed that out, you freak.

[1080] So they just lied to me to get me under.

[1081] And then they tossed it away.

[1082] And they wouldn't let me see something from my own body.

[1083] It's cool.

[1084] They left me in the room with the little vial.

[1085] It had liquid in it.

[1086] And my cyst was floating around in it.

[1087] They left you in the room alone like it was like a visiting.

[1088] And I picked it up and I was shaking it and I was like looking at it.

[1089] It's gross.

[1090] It's really gross.

[1091] What happens to that cyst?

[1092] Are they going to test it for something?

[1093] They test it in case there are cells that you should be worried about.

[1094] This is good.

[1095] I like it when sometimes we dispense useful information to people.

[1096] So make sure that you get that cyst checked.

[1097] Yeah, you should get it.

[1098] I thought it costs money to get a cyst removed, but it's covered by insurance.

[1099] I've had it for like two years.

[1100] Wait, you've had something growing up.

[1101] on your body that concerned you, but you didn't want to spend $220, so you let it wait?

[1102] It's not even $200.

[1103] It's a copay.

[1104] It was like $30.

[1105] So for $30, you let something multiply on your body without checking it out.

[1106] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1107] Well, I'm just going to be a responsible person here and say, actually, that sounds like a smart idea.

[1108] Yeah.

[1109] I mean, how bad could it be?

[1110] A friend of mine had a dermoid, which is a cyst that collects genetic material, and you could have hair in it and nails and teeth.

[1111] Oh, my God.

[1112] We're turning people off left and right.

[1113] Yeah, we really are.

[1114] We should stop.

[1115] Let me, this reminds me of something I used to do.

[1116] I really used to do this because I have many Jewish friends.

[1117] And when they would have a child, they would have the moyle perform the circumcision, you know, on the baby.

[1118] And I used to love to there.

[1119] There was always like a banquet afterwards.

[1120] And I always used to say, boy, I sure love the calamari at this banquet.

[1121] And then I'd have someone, and then I'd do another voice going, there's no calumari at this banquet.

[1122] And I'd go, ooh.

[1123] That killed.

[1124] I had a rabbi doubled over at the thought that the foreskin had flown into a bowl that I had popped it into my mouth and said, love this calamari.

[1125] There's no calamari.

[1126] Ugh.

[1127] I killed with that rabbi.

[1128] I should convert.

[1129] Well, Sona, I'm glad that you're well because I do care about you.

[1130] And I'm glad that you took the time, which it had been on non -work hours.

[1131] Okay.

[1132] And I think that would have been very easily achieved.

[1133] You don't need to say that part.

[1134] Okay.

[1135] You don't have to say it.

[1136] You could just say, I'm glad you figure that out, and that's it.

[1137] Can you do that?

[1138] Maybe the way you had a cyst removed, I should have the amount of pay removed from your paycheck that occupied the time it took for you to get the, I'll look into that.

[1139] Can you just say any time you need a medical procedure, of course, you can take as much time off that you need?

[1140] So now I'm glad you got yourself checked.

[1141] I do go to the dermatologist a lot.

[1142] If anyone has seen me in person, it's a freak show.

[1143] I look like can spam in the form of a man. I have a very freckly pale man and probably need everything removed and then reinstalled.

[1144] So I hope this has been a good public service announcement.

[1145] Get yourself checked.

[1146] Don't grow up with freckles.

[1147] It's a horror show.

[1148] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1149] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1150] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and John.

[1151] Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1152] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1153] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1154] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1155] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1156] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1157] Got a question for Conan?

[1158] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -251 -2821 and leave a message.

[1159] It too could be featured on a future.

[1160] episode.

[1161] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1162] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

[1163] Music