Part 2: Monica & Jess Love Boys who like Christmas

[0] Hi, I'm Monica, a .k .a. miniature mouse.

[1] I love boys.

[2] But I don't have one.

[3] And in fact, I've never had one.

[4] I could probably count on two hands how many dates I've been on in my entire life.

[5] And I decided it's time to change that.

[6] Hi, I'm Jess, and I love boys too.

[7] And in the opposite way of Monica, I can't count on all the hands in America how many people I've had sex with.

[8] And yet, I still don't have a boyfriend.

[9] And I want one.

[10] And I'm Dax.

[11] And I love Monica and Jess in so many ways.

[12] They don't have partners.

[13] And that is a huge mystery to me because they're both incredibly attractive, so fun, so smart, and have so much to offer.

[14] So what we decided to do is examine these unhealthy patterns and bring in experts and outsiders to help critique us, advise us, guide us, pretty much called bullshit on us, so that we can find the romantic companion that we're looking for.

[15] We started this thinking it was going to be just cute little dating challenges that we would go on and talk about and laugh about.

[16] Turns out it is very hard to be vulnerable in real time in public.

[17] Yes, I'm so excited.

[18] We romanticized pathological love.

[19] One to ten.

[20] How much do you want love?

[21] Go.

[22] You can't even get the sentence out.

[23] I would just eat around it.

[24] It's a little selfish.

[25] Why do I want something?

[26] And then why have I designed it to defend?

[27] We must put the chum in the water for the sharks to come.

[28] Come, buddy.

[29] Monica's like, so apparently I have to join Raya this week.

[30] He likes fucking.

[31] You don't even have a kiss, a handheld, anything.

[32] Your frontal lobe is just in the way.

[33] Push -up, raw, low -cut top.

[34] That's what you should be doing.

[35] Masturbate every night.

[36] Rob's too uncomfortable for this.

[37] And please enjoy part two.

[38] Monica and Jess love boys who like Christmas.

[39] Monica don't like, Monica don't like boys.

[40] Monica love Jess don't they love boys.

[41] Hi, Jess.

[42] Hi, Mona, my, my, my, my.

[43] Okay, welcome to second installment of Monica and Jess love boys.

[44] It's been seven, nine days.

[45] Has it been nine?

[46] And this is the first time I haven't seen you in maybe nine days.

[47] I think I saw you once, which is very weird.

[48] Yeah, and we checked in a little bit.

[49] And then you were like, don't talk about it.

[50] Yeah, because we had to wait.

[51] Yes.

[52] So let's remind everybody of our challenges.

[53] So what was your challenge given to you by?

[54] Mr. Deck Shepard.

[55] My dad gave me a challenge to write down 10 traits in a future partner that has nothing to do with looks or sex.

[56] Right.

[57] And then I was only allowed to go on one date and not have sex for seven days.

[58] Yes.

[59] And it's also been nine days just to let you know.

[60] And you did it.

[61] I have a lot.

[62] I want you to start.

[63] Oh, boy.

[64] I did.

[65] I did.

[66] You did it.

[67] I did an amazing job.

[68] Yes.

[69] Did you do it?

[70] The exact thing?

[71] Yes.

[72] Okay.

[73] As soon as I left this thing, all this anxiety came up.

[74] Like, I'm chatting with nine guys.

[75] I'm seeing three guys.

[76] Tech started coming in.

[77] It was just very eye -opening how much time and effort I'm spending on these apps and how much I am, you know, talking to different people in the claws or in the realm or what is in the thing of finding love.

[78] But it was very...

[79] Pursued?

[80] Pursuit and finding love And I started thwarting I started saying no And I read my 10 traits Which are quick -witted Flirty, spontaneous Present Healthy, curious Kind, optimistic, secure And charming And the third guy That I had been on a date With already Was 40 and he works 9 to 5 And he doesn't drink a lot And he is smart And very opposite of me He's very type A He's very organized and I go, okay, he wanted to have a sexual encounter with me, and I said, no, let's go to sushi.

[81] Uh -huh.

[82] And we did.

[83] I went to sushi, and it was really nice, and I learned about his job.

[84] It was nice, and it was an interesting date, but I had already had sex with him, so it was very, it was, I felt comfortable and it felt nice.

[85] And then I had sex after.

[86] And then you had sex after?

[87] Yes.

[88] Okay.

[89] I actually don't think in the challenge you were forbidden to have sex with the one date person.

[90] Oh, okay.

[91] Really?

[92] I think.

[93] Yes, I'm so excited.

[94] I had so much anxiety, Monica.

[95] I was telling my trainer, I go, she might cancel this.

[96] I go, you know, and it was so hard for me. You're very scared of me. I've never been scared of you until.

[97] I like it.

[98] Until now, because this was like exciting for me. Like, I work 18 hours a week.

[99] This was something I was looking forward to.

[100] And then when it was so difficult, I was really, really bringing me back to when I was 30, when I lost my virginity, I'm like, oh, my God, I have no balance in my life.

[101] When I'm rolling over and checking these apps in the middle of, you know, in the middle of the night or that I'm on them so much.

[102] You know that app that shows you how much you're on something?

[103] I need that because this challenge was the underbelly of it was very triggering for me as far as my.

[104] my balance and time.

[105] And it was really, really, really interesting.

[106] And I didn't feel good a lot of the time either.

[107] I didn't feel good lying to these people.

[108] And I didn't feel good about how much attention I've been putting into these things.

[109] I have so many thoughts already.

[110] First of all, good job, proud of you.

[111] Thank you.

[112] Secondly, you should be scared of me. And third, no one said you had to lie to anybody.

[113] In fact, I think you should never have lied to anybody.

[114] I think when people are texting you, you can say, I'm taking a little break.

[115] Right, but that's lying because I wanted to have sex with them.

[116] But that's not lying.

[117] That's you committed to something and you're just doing that, you know.

[118] But lying would be like, I can't, I have other plans, which is probably what you said.

[119] Is that what you said?

[120] I said everything from the gambit.

[121] I think I had plans to like work or family.

[122] I mean, all these things are true.

[123] Ish, not really.

[124] You were just making excuses.

[125] But my point is, you know, don't need to make excuses because what you're doing, you're just trying to make healthier choices and you don't need to make an excuse for that.

[126] Well, the two other guys, I actually had been, I'd gone on dates with them.

[127] They were sexual dates.

[128] They were like, go get a drink or two and then we go have sex, which is super fun, but that wasn't, that's something I do all the time.

[129] So this challenge maybe do something that I don't do all the time, which is date within my age range.

[130] This guy is 40 and nice and different.

[131] And granted, I don't feel a lot of butterflies yet.

[132] I really, really like what you said about the challenge was one thing, but you ended up learning something completely different about the way you spend time in your life.

[133] Yes.

[134] Yeah.

[135] When I have an improv class or when I have to write my best man speech or when I have to, you know, do something that is creative outside.

[136] I do not spend that much time on these things.

[137] It's, I don't, what is there's a saying?

[138] Idle minds.

[139] Idle hands.

[140] I don't mind.

[141] I don't mind.

[142] I don't mean.

[143] I have a lot of free time and I get mischievous.

[144] Well, and it seems like perhaps it's becoming a little apparent that these people are band -aids for other things or their replacements for other things that you feel like maybe are missing.

[145] Yes.

[146] And it's like, okay, I don't have this, but I can have this right now.

[147] I found a guy on Tinder and he had a lot of these traits I wrote down.

[148] Okay.

[149] And we were chatting and it was really cool and he was good looking and he was age appropriate.

[150] And he goes, give me your Instagram.

[151] And I normally don't like to do that because I feel like it speeds everything up.

[152] But I go in lieu of this challenge, I'm like, let's do something I normally don't do.

[153] And I go, okay.

[154] And I gave him my Instagram and he blocked me immediately.

[155] He did.

[156] And it really bothered me. Stung.

[157] Yeah, of course.

[158] And it brought up a lot of things in the game.

[159] community that I think, which is masculine and feminine, and in my Instagram, do I too feminine, or do I too masculine?

[160] The first, the latest post I put up is me lip syncing to part of this world by Jesse Jay, which is, if you know me, it is just a version of myself, which I love, and I think it's a killer lip sync.

[161] It's a wonderful version of yourself.

[162] But when you haven't met someone yet and you go through their whole Instagram, it's like an audition.

[163] You're looking to see why they're not going to make it.

[164] And it's very awful.

[165] and it triggered me even more because I've done that.

[166] Of course.

[167] I've seen that.

[168] I've gone through people's Instagrams and their stories and I'm like, mm. Yeah.

[169] And so when he did it, I smiled.

[170] I go, been there, but it's still stung.

[171] Yeah, of course.

[172] A lot.

[173] So no more Instagram.

[174] No, no, no, no, no. And let me tell you why this is extra upsetting because, yes, it feels scary.

[175] It feels like you're putting so much out early.

[176] If you're giving someone your Instagram, it's like, this is my whole life.

[177] And also, like, don't get me started on what that means.

[178] That's your curated life.

[179] Right.

[180] But they don't even like that.

[181] Right.

[182] But I wish we had tequila.

[183] Well, we have a lot more episodes.

[184] I know.

[185] We might need to do one loose.

[186] Anyway, but he's going to learn those things about you anyway.

[187] And so, like, hiding those parts just means you're not being fully honest.

[188] That's something we're going to talk about.

[189] agree with that really.

[190] Why?

[191] Because I think you should get to know someone at a pace that is healthy and not a sped up insulin needle of heroin of jazz or whoever like you get to know someone and then you are on the third day and like oh my god he does this weird quirky thing which I really like and it's endearing going through someone's Instagram and finding every single thing that they've done and their stand -up jokes and their bits from movies.

[192] It's just like it's overwhelming when you don't have the other part to balance it, which is how I'm in a room, how I'm engaging with you when we're talking and I have eye contact.

[193] Like those things, I am 100 % myself on these dates.

[194] Like I am just 100%.

[195] But I'm still in the moment.

[196] I'm like, this guy's a lot, but he's also a human and he's kind of, you know, it works more.

[197] On paper, when you're sitting in your living room and looking at someone's Instagram, I'm just, I just don't agree really.

[198] Well, that's true.

[199] It's easy to make a mass judgment based on these images while you're driving in traffic right like they're not they're not connecting or anything yes that's true that's true but if he doesn't like your lip sync the truth is he's not gonna like you his name was no i don't even remember and that's okay that maybe that's not for him but that is you i'm so glad you posted that because it's i still am triggered by that post and the reason i'm leaving it up is because it bothers me still i want to leave it up till it doesn't bother me yeah Because I have fallen into that masculine feminine.

[200] He's too gay.

[201] This is two guys too queenie.

[202] He's too femme.

[203] I'm coming across.

[204] It's so it's so institutionalized in the gay community.

[205] And it's not good.

[206] Especially at my age, I should be way more involved than that.

[207] But why do you think that is these sort of deep root?

[208] I mean, I guess it's just misogyny at the end of the day.

[209] Uh -huh.

[210] And it's also we are triggered by things we see.

[211] ourselves.

[212] So if we see someone act too gay, instantly I go, when was the last time I was too gay?

[213] I know, but even the term too gay.

[214] I know.

[215] I'm just telling you.

[216] It's super.

[217] It is.

[218] But it's like so self -loathing.

[219] I know.

[220] And that's our community.

[221] And that's why there's, you know, my friend just went to an AA meeting.

[222] He said there was nine gay guys to one straight guy in these AA meetings.

[223] It is rampant how much self -loathing and shame there's in the gay community.

[224] So what was the most fun thing?

[225] Was Is there anything fun that happened on the date on your sushi date?

[226] Or like...

[227] I just liked, listen.

[228] He has a lot of rules, which I just don't eat crispy rice.

[229] And he looked, I'm like, oh, okay.

[230] Why?

[231] He's like, I mean, he's stuttered and he's just very particular about things, which makes me laugh.

[232] And I'm usually drawn to those kind of people because I'm not.

[233] And then one time, I don't even think I said anything funny, and he burst out laughing.

[234] Like, so I was like, oh.

[235] It's kind of a loose vanish.

[236] Versed that laughing.

[237] Unpredictable.

[238] And he was, it was a pleasant date and it felt very nice and healthy.

[239] Did you feel good after or no?

[240] Well, then you had sex or then you felt bad.

[241] No, I didn't, didn't feel bad instantly.

[242] The next day is when I'm like, did I break this challenge?

[243] Right.

[244] I'm going to get in trouble.

[245] Like, do I have a problem?

[246] Can I not say no?

[247] That would be the most scary thing is that this is deep -rooted in a form.

[248] of indulgence and addiction which I don't want to really find out or deal with really but I will have to and after a couple days I did start feeling better and like this is life and I even contemplated like not lying to you but like just kind of I was nervous but it was I ultimately at the end of the seven days I was proud of myself even though I did think I'd mess up a bit right right okay so mine yes I'm so excited so mine was to go on two dates.

[249] Now, for most people hearing this, well, first of all, I've told a few people about this, and I was like, Justice Challenge was this, and mine was this.

[250] And most people are like, both of those sound so easy.

[251] Right.

[252] You know, like, to most people, these are just easy, normal, everyday things to do.

[253] And it is interesting, because every time I would hear that reaction, I feel defensive.

[254] Right.

[255] You know, like...

[256] Oh, very.

[257] Right?

[258] Like, I haven't done things right, or I'm not like other people, which just cycles everything back to what I already believed about myself in the first place, which just stopped me from doing all these things.

[259] So it's just so interesting.

[260] But mine was to go on two dates in one week, which felt impossible, but I did it.

[261] So, okay, I need to preface, we should both, preface this entire podcast with, I'm nervous that some of this is going to come off, like we're really taking advantage of.

[262] of people and that we are, you know, it's like kind of like how to lose a guy in 10 days dilemma.

[263] Really?

[264] I mean, a little bit, like, I'm about to be talking about these two humans that I met.

[265] Got it.

[266] And I don't want it to seem like I'm exploiting them or I'm using them for this challenge.

[267] I'm not.

[268] Like, we are here to better ourselves.

[269] We're here to grow.

[270] And these are things we want to be doing anyway.

[271] We just need the push.

[272] You know, it's not like, I guess I'll use this person.

[273] for my own gain, I mean, I am saying I'll use this person for my own gain, but that's in a positive way, I think, then the negative way it could come off.

[274] It's tricky.

[275] It's tricky.

[276] I mean, I'm going to use pseudonyms.

[277] Sunonyms.

[278] Sudonyms.

[279] With that said, the first date was with this guy who I actually had gone out with the week before.

[280] It was set up a couple that I used to know well and now has moved away.

[281] I saw them again at a wedding recently, and we were talking about relationships and going through all the patterns that are true and not true.

[282] Like, I'm so busy.

[283] I don't have time.

[284] And, you know, all the things that, again, are true.

[285] But they're not so true that it should be stopping me from exploring this stuff.

[286] It's just a defense mechanism, really.

[287] But so anyway, I was talking about dating and lack of sort of and then cut to two weeks later, the woman and the couple texted me she texted me about something else and then I read it I responded and she texted back okay so this may sound a little weird but there's this guy and then I stopped reading because I was in I was in the middle we were recording and I was like oh I'll look at that later but to be honest my first thought was the rest of that sentences and you should have them on your podcast I'm sort of trained now to like get those texts and get those emails.

[288] So I was like expecting it to be that.

[289] And then she texted a few days later and was like, so I've been thinking and I feel bad.

[290] I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position.

[291] I was like, what is she talking about?

[292] I had forgot to respond to her.

[293] So then I looked and she was saying that she knew a guy out here and do you want me to give him your phone number?

[294] And so I was like, oh no, I'm so sorry.

[295] Yes, please do.

[296] Please give him my phone number.

[297] So we had a first date, and it was fun.

[298] We were there for three hours, and that feels like a good thing.

[299] Yeah.

[300] And I didn't feel sparky, and I was kind of like, eh, okay, I'm not really feeling much here, but he's very interesting, and I enjoy talking to him in the end.

[301] Okay.

[302] And then we have this challenge arise.

[303] And I was like, you know, I should go out with him again.

[304] Because I should push myself.

[305] I would not have most likely because I kind of felt like, well, I did it.

[306] I went on the date.

[307] Right.

[308] And I checked that off the list and that's done.

[309] And I did it.

[310] And yay, I'm better now.

[311] But that's not really doing anything.

[312] And that's not really pushing myself at all.

[313] So I went on this second date with him.

[314] And And again, he's super, he's so nice and interesting.

[315] And like, it wasn't like we didn't have anything to talk about.

[316] We did.

[317] But I definitely left and felt like I just don't think this person is for me. And then I feel very guilty.

[318] I don't know.

[319] I understand why you feel guilty.

[320] But in your defense, you feel guilty because you've done this three times.

[321] When you've done it.

[322] When I'm saying, like, if you've done this.

[323] this a lot and you know you heard my story last week where we just literally say this isn't a match while we're naked right and then they're like cool got it and they put their clothes on and leave like yeah if you do it as many times i'm not saying ever get to my that's the other end of the other spectrum but it is this isn't a match and you know what that's okay yeah and that's gonna take a little bit of time for you to get to that place but i also think you feeling sad or guilty is a great human quality.

[324] Yeah, that's true.

[325] I mean, it's true.

[326] And if I'm just being honest, it's like I feel guilty towards him, but I also feel like, am I doing it, right?

[327] Like, am I really here to actually give this person a chance or not?

[328] And I think I am.

[329] I don't know.

[330] We are supported by OKCupid.

[331] We love OKCupid.

[332] They have changed the dating game because you know why they actually match you with people you're compatible with.

[333] They, like, take the time to get down and dirty with you.

[334] Yeah.

[335] Figure out your deeds.

[336] They ask you questions, like, do you try to limit your screen time?

[337] Do you?

[338] Oh, I need to.

[339] Yeah, you do.

[340] Are you a morning person?

[341] I am.

[342] You are.

[343] What's a bigger turn on?

[344] Intelligence or looks?

[345] Oh, this is a tricky one.

[346] Also, here are some tips the dating experts at OKCupid gave us, which we need.

[347] Okay.

[348] Number one, know what's important to you.

[349] So that's good.

[350] You have to know yourself.

[351] I like that.

[352] Number two, proof, read everything.

[353] Good tip.

[354] Typhos are a deal breaker.

[355] 75 % of people say they're less likely to respond to someone with a spelling mistake in their profile.

[356] Wow.

[357] That's amazing.

[358] Okay.

[359] Three, send a meaningful first message.

[360] Find something that you find interesting in their profile, like a place they visited on vacation recently or a band they like.

[361] And, you know, just saying hey over and over again is not going to cut it.

[362] And the reason we need to take these tips.

[363] seriously is because OKCupid works.

[364] They are the number one dating app mentioned in the New York Times wedding section.

[365] So stop the mindless time on other apps and go to the app where you choose what matters.

[366] OKCupid is free.

[367] So I don't even have to give you one of those super long URLs with the code.

[368] Download OKCupid today and go on a great date this week and then tell us about that great person you met and we just might come to that wedding.

[369] We are supported by Tushie.

[370] Tushie is an amazing unconventional gift for anyone in your life because everyone has an ass.

[371] Okay?

[372] And everyone deserves the gift of Tushy.

[373] And you know what?

[374] I had a Tushy before we did this podcast.

[375] Really?

[376] Yes, I bought one because I was like, you know what?

[377] I got to focus on that ass.

[378] I got to get it as clean as possible.

[379] I can't believe I haven't had a Tushy all these years.

[380] Yeah, because your ass is important to your dating life.

[381] Very.

[382] And to be honest, pooping has changed since I got a Tushy.

[383] You feel so much better about yourself.

[384] Yourself as a team is how.

[385] when your ass is cleaner.

[386] I think that's really the truth.

[387] Bidase are really common in the rest of the world.

[388] The U .S. has not super embraced them yet, but they should.

[389] It saves you money on toilet paper.

[390] It won't clog your toilets.

[391] And it sprays you with fresh water.

[392] It's not toilet water, which I think some people are all nervous about.

[393] No, it's fresh water.

[394] It connects to your water supply behind your toilet.

[395] It's better for the environment.

[396] It's better for your booty.

[397] It's only $79.

[398] and you can go to Hellotushy .com slash Monica, get 10 % off your order.

[399] Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[400] One thing that was interesting is he didn't like Christmas or Halloween.

[401] And I, and I, look, and he does not need to like those things.

[402] That's fine, except I can't be with someone who doesn't like Christmas.

[403] Well, really what it is, is like, I need someone engaged in life in the world and like things that are happening and not self -identify it as somebody who doesn't like things.

[404] That's true.

[405] That was a good lesson for me. I thought you were saying, he doesn't like Kristen and Dex.

[406] Oh, oh.

[407] I thought you were going to say that.

[408] I was like, what?

[409] That was a three -hour day, too, though.

[410] If I could coach you on that.

[411] That was a three -hour day.

[412] Well, don't coach me. I didn't want that to be a three -hour day.

[413] It was another three -hour date.

[414] Right.

[415] I think these are a little long for, for early dates.

[416] I do too, unless it happens, but I remember my first date with Greg, the one that one we talked about.

[417] I think it was 40 minutes.

[418] Right.

[419] It was at a really quick, I had to go to Blank's house for dinner.

[420] He had to do this.

[421] It was 40 minutes.

[422] And it wasn't any sparks at all, but it was definitely, okay, I don't know.

[423] No, that was a little leave him wanting more.

[424] I hope I left him wanting more.

[425] And I'm sure he thought the same thing.

[426] I don't know.

[427] There's no right or wrong with me. Yeah.

[428] I mean, it's funny because so the second date I went on.

[429] Okay.

[430] Let's get to that.

[431] Was last night.

[432] Mm -hmm.

[433] And that one got set up in a weird way.

[434] So I, um, years ago met him very, very briefly through friends at like a brunch, barely talking, but met him.

[435] And then recently that couple got married.

[436] And so at the wedding, he was there, and I felt like he was kind of looking at me. But then I was like, no, he's not.

[437] I'm totally in my head about that.

[438] And that's not real and that's fine.

[439] And he's very cute.

[440] I saw a picture.

[441] And you agreed.

[442] Yeah.

[443] And then I, at the end of the night, was saying bye to the bride.

[444] And she was like, did the person who wanted to talk to you talk to you?

[445] And I was like, oh, who?

[446] And then she said, let's call him Chris.

[447] So, and I said, oh, no, we didn't talk.

[448] And then, so there was an after party at this wedding.

[449] Hey, hey.

[450] And I was like, was that at a club?

[451] I don't know.

[452] It was at a bar.

[453] It was at a bar.

[454] But I wasn't going to go because I was leaving very early to go back to a friend's vacation that you were on.

[455] Mm -hmm.

[456] I left that vacation to go to the wedding and I was going back to the vacation the next day.

[457] And so I was like, I'm not going to go to this after party.

[458] But then when she said to the person I want to talk to you, talk to you, I was like, oh, no, I should go to this after party and I should talk to him.

[459] And it was such a struggle because I was like, huh, I could do that.

[460] I could go out on a limb and I could go to this after party and I could talk to this person or I could go home and I could.

[461] wake up early and I could go back to my friends my plan my safe plan and I was really going back and forth and I went home oh no you did yeah I went home oh I didn't know this part of the story I did this is a lot about that thing which is your safe amazing friends that you love so much my life is so full and good yes I mean it's it's so full and good until it's not Not similar to addiction, the way Dax talks about drinking.

[462] Like it only works until it stops working when you hit the roadblock that's like, okay, I have all these things.

[463] My life's great.

[464] I have all these things.

[465] But I don't have one thing.

[466] And that one thing feels like a really important thing that's missing.

[467] Yes.

[468] You know, companionship in that way, you know.

[469] So anyway, I went home.

[470] I picked my normal route as I always did.

[471] do the safe way to my friends.

[472] And I felt really regretful about that for a long time.

[473] I also thought he didn't live here.

[474] That was a big component.

[475] I thought he lived somewhere else.

[476] So I kind of was like, well, you did it again.

[477] So then I was talking to my other friend and I was telling her the story and she was like, no, no, no, he lives here.

[478] And that just opened up the whole thing again where I was like, okay, so here's another opportunity should I take it but it felt too scary it just really felt too scary and I guess I don't even really know of what like that he wouldn't like me I guess I mean I do have all these issues that have gotten a lot better but come to surface and sometimes these types of conversations where I'm uncomfortable where like I kind of have this complex where I want to be everybody's number one and even in cases where it's like I shouldn't be their number one like I really want that you know like it's almost more fun when it's someone who I can't you know hard to have hard to get all these things unattainable yes yeah I'm always chasing unattainable that's why I made these books of celebrity crushes because it was like I can't really have that.

[479] Right.

[480] But it's a safe version of whatever one else is doing, you know?

[481] And then this challenge.

[482] And I was like, you know what?

[483] This is it.

[484] So then I did reach out to my friend.

[485] I got his phone number.

[486] I texted him.

[487] And I texted him along the lines of I thought you, you know, I didn't think you lived here, but I hear you moved here.

[488] Would you ever want to get a drink?

[489] And then.

[490] How long did it take him to respond?

[491] Okay, so then I sent that at 10 a .m. 10 .4.

[492] I sent it at 10 .4 a .m. Did I really send it?

[493] I don't know.

[494] I sent it at 10 .06 a .m. And then he did not respond all day.

[495] And then I started to panic, but also.

[496] You liked it.

[497] I really liked it.

[498] Ugh.

[499] I know.

[500] I know.

[501] Whatever it takes, though.

[502] Let's get you.

[503] like something let's get those motors running whatever it is if it's a wacky communicator he was labeled a wacky communicator and that gets you going whatever to get this motor running I know but it's no it's not just whatever gets the motor running it's why why do I like that he was not responsive I liked again this this unattainability it's like oh wait he's not that interested in me obviously because he's not responding immediately so that's interesting he doesn't like me that much oh okay i kind of what times our date yes and it was so it was interesting because that day overlapped with the other date so i was getting a lot of response from the first guy and in juxtaposition to this lack of response i was like this person needs too much.

[504] Oh, God.

[505] I know.

[506] I know.

[507] I know.

[508] And it's not fair and it's not true.

[509] But it's my own issue that like if someone is showing me that they like me, it's like it's unattractive.

[510] Right.

[511] I got to get this.

[512] This is the root of.

[513] This is why we need a psychologist on here.

[514] We're going to, by the way, we're going to have.

[515] And we're also going to have our mother on.

[516] Yeah.

[517] To give a mom's perspective.

[518] um at some point soon but i need to get to the i what happened okay so we had some text banter and it was good and then we kind of like it turned into me giving him hints of where the day it's going to be via emoji only which was fun cute it was fun um and then i did tell him via emoji that it was going to be happy hour but i don't know that he understood my clue okay because you You would have been dying to get that emoji.

[519] So then the morning of I was like blank at 5 o 'clock.

[520] And then he wasn't responding again.

[521] Oh, my God.

[522] Which I love.

[523] Is there an emoji for that?

[524] And then he responded and was like, can we do like 5 .30 -ish?

[525] Because I'm going to have to dip out of work.

[526] So I was like, sure.

[527] And then I get there and I had to leave at 7.

[528] So this is sort of similar to your Greg date.

[529] It was like it had to be short.

[530] Right.

[531] And then he called me. He called me on the phone, which was, felt new and felt so 2002, which I liked.

[532] Favorite year.

[533] So he called and was like, I'm running late.

[534] I'm running like 25 minutes late because of traffic.

[535] And then he made a joke about having a real job or he had to leave work.

[536] Was it a dig on you?

[537] A little and at first I was like Uh uh like I don't like that Mainly because I think I felt defensive I was like oh I have a real job I work all the fucking time But then he goes he said it He kind of mumbled and I go what And he goes just kidding Never mind But then I like could hear it back You know and I was like Okay so he's a little resentful That he had to leave war And then, and I was like, well, Or jealous.

[538] Resentful is the one way to look at it.

[539] That's true.

[540] That you could get there at five.

[541] Well, that's true.

[542] Maybe all of it.

[543] I don't know.

[544] And then I said, well, to be fair, I told you via emoji that it was going to be happy hour.

[545] And he was like, that's true.

[546] That's true.

[547] That's just my fault.

[548] So anyway, he got there.

[549] So it was a short date.

[550] It was good.

[551] He is intriguing for sure.

[552] Did you ask him if he liked Christmas?

[553] Halloween.

[554] I did it, but that should be my new bar.

[555] That's the first thing I asked.

[556] In a text.

[557] We, we send dick pics and we and size and girth and bids.

[558] But you guys, that's your go -to.

[559] Business question mark.

[560] No, but what was interesting, he had an Indian girlfriend before.

[561] Okay.

[562] And he told me about that.

[563] And I, you know.

[564] Oh, man, that sounds.

[565] Tell me. I just, that made me feel weird because I don't know if I, if I would tell anyone that my, my, my, my ethnicity of my girlfriend.

[566] Exactly.

[567] That's exactly how I felt.

[568] But then I have my, you know, if it comes up, Greg was half Cuban, half, you know, white and then, you know, Tim, I figured.

[569] Was Israeli and Jewish and that came up a lot like that he was Israeli.

[570] But you weren't like, I, I've dated someone like you.

[571] That's kind of what he's saying in a way.

[572] Oh, I need to check the tapes on that.

[573] I can see how you heard that, but I would really have to check the tapes on that.

[574] So maybe I was hearing things that weren't really there.

[575] Got it.

[576] But this date was really interesting for me because we also talked about our dating history.

[577] Uh -huh.

[578] And that's common.

[579] I know that's like so normal, but for some reason on my first date, we didn't talk about that.

[580] Right.

[581] So this date was - I prefer talking about it.

[582] Look, I think it's probably good to talk about these histories, but I don't like to.

[583] It's very uncomfortable for me because I don't really know what to say.

[584] It makes me feel very vulnerable to be like, I don't have a history to present to you.

[585] Got it.

[586] It's scary.

[587] So it was much easier with this other guy because we didn't talk about it.

[588] And I felt very confident there.

[589] Okay.

[590] And in this one, once we're starting to talk about histories, I feel much less confident.

[591] I feel like, oh boy, I'm a weirdo.

[592] Like, I'm.

[593] I'm a weirdo.

[594] I have sort of nothing to say.

[595] And I had to say, I had to say, like, I don't do this very often.

[596] And I'm, you know, and he's like, so how long is your longest boyfriend?

[597] And it's like, oh, no, that is the common question.

[598] And now I'm jumping into your body, our next challenge.

[599] Yeah.

[600] And that would terrify me. Yeah, and I have to kind of say, like, never.

[601] Like, I don't have, never had a real boyfriend.

[602] When they say to me, what's your real age?

[603] this is exactly exactly and so I you know told him and I and there was a reaction really it wasn't like he's like okay cool yeah he's like really like he's surprised and in my my fear -based brain is like he's repulsed by that or at least we all are surprised but he's probably like what is wrong with her.

[604] So then I feel like...

[605] Or diamond in the rough.

[606] Your vagina's a diamond in the rough.

[607] That's right.

[608] It is.

[609] It sure is.

[610] It's not even the rough.

[611] It's just a diamond down there.

[612] But yeah, so...

[613] How flirty was it?

[614] I always ask this.

[615] Yeah, you do.

[616] Because I tend to flirt too much because I like it to be in the moment.

[617] I like to have dates where we're not really giving our resumes, but we're in the moment about...

[618] We're I just say your eyebrows are amazing just like whatever if they are like I want to be in the moment on this date and giving compliments or seeing someone or grabbing their leg or whatever is very I'm very tactile like that right so was there any of that a little not a lot more than the date number one got it but not a lot and yeah so I felt like I had to like defend myself a lot during this date because I kind of had to defend my history like Oh, this is, well, I grew up in Georgia and there was this, this, then this, and this.

[619] And, oh, and then the Indian girlfriend conversation came up.

[620] And then I felt like I was in high school.

[621] Oh, no. I really felt like I was in high school again.

[622] And I didn't want to be Indian.

[623] And I wished he didn't see that.

[624] And, you know, and he was asking about like, DiVali.

[625] And I was like, I never grew up doing that stuff.

[626] And I'm just kind of like, still like distant.

[627] And also that's true.

[628] Correct.

[629] Everything I'm telling him is true.

[630] but the emotions are very just taking me back to when I felt so less than, which is so interesting because I haven't felt like that in so long.

[631] Well, you haven't let yourself.

[632] I haven't put myself in a situation too.

[633] So that was...

[634] Do you think that this is the second time now, and I don't know about a lot of straight dates, to be honest, do you think maybe you can't say this probably, but because you're hot and really smart and successful, that there's less flirting.

[635] Like, I'm just thinking like if they...

[636] Well, thank you.

[637] I'm saying like they're more intimidated or this girl has more stature and I have to be on my peas and cues.

[638] And then if they went out with a 27 -year -old waitress, you know, that, you know, cocktails on the weekends, they feel like they can be more flirty and touchy maybe.

[639] Maybe.

[640] I mean, we've only had two dates to decide, but this is now the second time where they're very on their best behavior, which is admirable.

[641] And it's also 2019, so I think that the climate of all these guys might be a little bit more reserved than, you know, I only, I don't know, really.

[642] But I'm picturing that rather than he doesn't think you're hot, you know, which I'm not saying you don't think that.

[643] Right.

[644] It was just a thought that came up when two guys now are being more reserved.

[645] Yeah.

[646] I mean, I didn't think.

[647] And I don't know if you would like it if they were super flirty.

[648] Yeah, I don't know.

[649] We don't know.

[650] We don't.

[651] I want to find you a jigolo, though.

[652] Like, I just a slutty guy.

[653] Like, I mean, here's the thing that I know I would like about it, confidence.

[654] That they feel confident enough to do it.

[655] Yes.

[656] And then we're getting into a slippery slope with, like, I guess, me too.

[657] Like, I mean, I guess, like, you know, I feel weird saying, like, yeah, I want someone confident enough to sort of, like, touch me. Like, that sounds bad.

[658] As long as I'm giving them the signal that I want that.

[659] Or look, this is where this all gets.

[660] I know.

[661] This conversation, this world is so muddy.

[662] And we are at a time where we're making everything so black and white.

[663] And it's like, don't kiss her unless she wants to be kissed.

[664] And it's like.

[665] But then you leave and you go, he didn't kiss me. I mean, like, we're all fucked.

[666] It gets very, like, tornadoy in the way we're processing all the stuff.

[667] because, yeah, like, I don't want to have to tell them like, hey, you can touch me. No, God, damn.

[668] Ew, right?

[669] Like, I don't want to do that.

[670] And yet...

[671] You don't want to sit on the same side of the booth either.

[672] Well, I don't want to sit on the booth.

[673] No. And I think you don't want that because you want them to want to want to on their own.

[674] And it feels like if you're telling...

[675] You feels like you're kind of telling them to, too, if you're giving permission.

[676] I mean, I guess you just, in a perfect world, you'd want everyone to be able to read everyone's signals.

[677] But that's also not reality.

[678] and people misread all the time and so you do have to be kind of clear but also how do you like leave room for fun and like romance and flirtation we're kind of asking people to like remove flirtation and you know what that's why we have sex before the date that's kind of true I'm serious we're so relaxed we just had sex now we walk down to the get some to eat we have a drink we're talking there's no airs you've already been inside me like this But now I do want to know where you grew up.

[679] Now I do want...

[680] I'm not saying the way I'm doing this right.

[681] No, I know.

[682] I'm definitely not by any means because it could just lead to that one date and a lot of times it does.

[683] But then those questions that I'm asking about where you went to college, I'm really wanting to know because I'm already gotten late.

[684] It's not about this ulterior motive of what I'm trying to get out of you.

[685] So it's an interesting thought.

[686] Straight people.

[687] Monica and Jess Love Boys is supported by Better Help Online Counseling.

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[690] We could all use help when we're feeling down but may not really know where to ask for it.

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[692] Better help offers licensed counselors who specialize in issues including depression and anxiety.

[693] Now, we talk about mental health on this show, on armchair expert show all the time because it's easy to neglect.

[694] It's easy to just consider your physical body is the thing that you need to be tuning up.

[695] But mental health is everything.

[696] I see a therapist, regular.

[697] and my life has changed so much since I've done that.

[698] There's just something really beneficial about talking to a third party about your problems.

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[726] This is what I am curious about with you guys just having so much sex.

[727] First of all, Dax has been very, very open about he thought I am the way that everyone is in the gay community.

[728] And I'm not.

[729] Thousands and millions of gay guys are on these apps, trust me. So it is prevalent.

[730] But I'm also on the sexual side of this spectrum.

[731] Sure.

[732] It's not like we're saying all gay people just fuck all day.

[733] No. Yes.

[734] Yes.

[735] But we're talking about your specific issues.

[736] Yeah.

[737] It is true that gay men, not probably, they have more sex.

[738] That's what Dan Savage was saying girls would do that too if they felt safe.

[739] Correct.

[740] How do you not get emotionally, like how you have no emotional attachment once you've had sex?

[741] And I'm not talking about like a deep emotional connection, but just like chemically something does happen in your body where there's, an emotional connection now to this physical act and you don't feel that no i think that's but that might be the rule of 5 ,000 times i bet sex i'm joking america but i do think it's a sport for a lot of us it's transactional but as far as oxytocodone no no like as far as this yeah but girls where you have sex with someone and then you feel linked with them i don't have that right Have you ever?

[742] Well, yes, because with Greg, it was both.

[743] And it was amazing.

[744] And it was the highest I've ever been in my life for that year and a half.

[745] Because we could have, if he could have said, let's go to Jiffy Loop.

[746] And I would have just been like, sure.

[747] Like, I just loved being around him and not even not sex.

[748] Granted, we had sex five times a week.

[749] It was a lot.

[750] But it was just like the holding hands would get me. Like him just reaching over, we were at the gym and him just reaching over and grabbing my hair.

[751] I would just like melt.

[752] And that was a year and a half in.

[753] Like, so the fact that I loved him and I had this sexual attraction to him and I looked, I liked all of his personality traits was like, you know, the Matrix.

[754] Yeah.

[755] We basically, we were each other's first loves.

[756] Yeah.

[757] You know, we held hands in public, which I've never done.

[758] I kissed him in a straight bar, which I've never done.

[759] We'd wrote letters to each other.

[760] I felt like what people do in their first love in college.

[761] Did you feel like you were you?

[762] I felt like I was Very much me It was a long time A year and a half is still a long time Yeah I was definitely Myself but I still Wanted him His approval Yeah And do you think you changed elements By the way I don't think this is This is so universal I think We all In any kind of relationship Like I think Show certain parts of our personality Mute other parts of our personality when we're trying to impress a person.

[763] But yeah, I was vegan for nine months.

[764] I became what he, I mean, there's a joke in my stand -up.

[765] Like, if I date a vegan, I'll eat quinoa, and if I date an outdoors, eager, I camp.

[766] And if I date a black guy, I get pulled over.

[767] Oh, no. It's too true.

[768] I am whatever they want me to be.

[769] And, like, I still am like, they're like, what do you want to eat?

[770] I'm like, what do you want me to want to eat?

[771] Okay, yes, that's what I'm asking.

[772] It's a joke based in reality.

[773] But that is very common in all women and men and they lose themselves and they are whoever.

[774] I mean, there's movies about it.

[775] What is like, how do you like your eggs?

[776] They asked Julie Roberts.

[777] And she liked her eggs, however.

[778] Runaway pride.

[779] Runaway pride.

[780] I love that movie.

[781] Yeah.

[782] So I fell into that and I actually loved that I fell into that because I'm like, I'm just like America.

[783] Like for once, I'm doing what these girls were doing.

[784] And I was like, oh my God, I'm doing the same exact thing.

[785] like I'm I'm turning I'm normal I'm turning into my boyfriend like oh wow that's deep and that breakup was needed too that was awful yeah awful and that made me feel normal me crying over a breakup and lip syncing to see you while I'm driving and bawling my eyes out and then looking in a mirror and be like I'm like I'm alive like I'm just like you feel like oh this is what everyone has been talking about and now I have it I'm in the club.

[786] I'm in that breakup club where I want to write a song.

[787] And I did.

[788] I wrote a 10 -minute stand -up set.

[789] Oh, I thought you're going to say a song and I was going to make you sing it.

[790] Yeah, that's deep.

[791] That like, because you always felt on the outside that even these heartbreaks were almost a victory.

[792] Songs were, these songs, these stand -up sets are about, like, I was in the club.

[793] You're exactly right.

[794] I felt part of the American experience.

[795] Which just goes to show how.

[796] outside we make gay relationships.

[797] And I feel that too.

[798] Like I feel like, yeah, I'm not in the club.

[799] Yeah.

[800] And it's not a fun feeling.

[801] No. And it's like a crazy thing to want to be a part of the heartbreak club.

[802] But it's also life.

[803] You don't want to be the one that hasn't done that.

[804] Right.

[805] Deep.

[806] Deep.

[807] Deep.

[808] What do you have?

[809] Okay.

[810] So I brought some, I brought some props today.

[811] She has a whole bag full of Monica loves boys and paper cutouts of Matt Damon and Bon Jovi and she has a syllabus of her firefighter teacher that you love.

[812] I should tell everybody that.

[813] I just remembered that Covey, my professor who I loved in college, he was a firefighter before he was a professor.

[814] I was exactly why I was in love with him.

[815] Yeah.

[816] And I remember he would tell us, he told us once about the smell of flesh and how, and I was like, ooh, hot.

[817] But I kept his syllabus, like, if I'm really looking at it through clear eyes, keeping all this stuff, like all, I have just fucking so much shit in this bag that's posters that were on my wall and tiny, anytime I would buy all the magazines and just cut out all the pictures of the hot guys that I love.

[818] loved and I think it was like a way for me to have something tangible like something that I could touch and feel to connect to this feeling that wasn't really all that real you know but look at my god so there's I'll post some of these pictures yes there's this calendar that callie made me the the February of course February Valentine's Day so who's on there has Ben and Matt Ashton Paul Walker Rest in Peace Paul Walker He's Ledger Rest in Peace He's dead So and then a person That's just hot Oh I thought that was Ian Summerholder Is it?

[819] Maybe it is From the Vampire Diaries It could be I have no idea who it is It's just a hot actor And that was enough That's all I needed A hot actor on here Yeah that's not him It's not Ian It must be a musician.

[820] I think it's a musician of some sort, but...

[821] Oh, that's the All -American Rejects guy.

[822] Oh, All -American Rejects guy.

[823] That makes sense because Callie and I liked All -American Rejects.

[824] Obviously, not enough for me to remember who any one is.

[825] What year is this?

[826] This was 2005.

[827] Got it.

[828] What if I pulled out all my used condoms from 2005?

[829] Oh, this was from Mark.

[830] He was so romantic.

[831] Look at this.

[832] So Callie made me the signs.

[833] So Callie would make me signs and pictures and obviously made me that calendar.

[834] And it's a picture of Ben and Matt.

[835] Oh, my gosh.

[836] She just thought bubbles for them.

[837] One of them for Ben says, oh my gosh, it's Monica.

[838] And then Matt says, I wonder if I can get her number or maybe take her to the prom.

[839] This is what we did all day.

[840] Like, fantasized all day.

[841] Wow.

[842] What would you do if you were in the attic with Dax and one of these guys that you have scrapbooks about.

[843] How much would you tell them?

[844] I don't know.

[845] I have thought about it.

[846] He would do it.

[847] He would make me so embarrassed.

[848] Yes.

[849] I know.

[850] Because I wouldn't want to.

[851] I'd want to be cool.

[852] This isn't you anymore.

[853] I know.

[854] I know.

[855] So it is actually kind of fond memories of when I was in show choir or when I'm not in show choir anymore.

[856] I love those memories.

[857] So this is exciting.

[858] This is great.

[859] And super creepy.

[860] It's so creepy.

[861] It's so creepy.

[862] Oh, and look at this.

[863] Then I have this big lean art. I had a little bit of a Leonardo DiCaprio phase.

[864] Oh, you did?

[865] Just you?

[866] Yeah, just me. I was unique in that way.

[867] I found the thing about him, you know?

[868] Yeah, the one thing.

[869] Most people don't see it, but he's a real...

[870] He's like niche.

[871] He's like small.

[872] He's like, you know, he's indie.

[873] But like, how many hours?

[874] Look at this.

[875] Look, oh, this has a lift.

[876] This has a lift.

[877] Lift Leo gets super surprise.

[878] Because there's more Leo under there.

[879] Oh, my God.

[880] And then I actually think I drew something that faded.

[881] But anyway, so I just spent so much time building a world in which I had what everybody else had.

[882] Write this down.

[883] This is, we're asking whoever the psychologist or therapist is that we have on because I need to know what that says about you.

[884] Yeah, it doesn't say anything good, I don't think.

[885] Did you hold on?

[886] Did you try to make tangibles out of things you didn't feel like you were getting?

[887] I guess I'm just solution -oriented is really.

[888] No, I didn't.

[889] I didn't.

[890] My 18 to 25 was all groundlings.

[891] What about even, you younger like this I was high school I was like 10 when I made that scrapbook I had good handwriting for 10 years I was pretty all high school was pretty seven in the morning to six at night it was yeah AP classes show choir and then after basketball practice and then vocal ensemble I know but weren't you like were you were you flirting at that time no no I was a sexual didn't know I was gay kind of kid that was new that there was something different about me but would not let anyone see it because I was such an overachiever.

[892] And you weren't trying to pretend like you were, though.

[893] You weren't like, oh, Jenny Miller.

[894] Oh, I started to my junior year I wore glasses that didn't have prescription.

[895] Because I powdered my lips a lot.

[896] Like, I thought I was kind of hot my junior year because I had a girlfriend.

[897] Did you have sex with your girlfriend?

[898] No. I wouldn't eat her out either.

[899] I would just eat around it.

[900] What?

[901] You mean like her stomach?

[902] No, like, yeah, kind of.

[903] pubes or around it oh no was that bad you were eating her pubes I was just kissing her pubs and stuff and then fingering yeah I've never had sex with the girl you've never had sex with the girl never I brought a Viagra on a cruise once and I'm like this is the time I'm doing it and we found one girl who was really into me and she had fake tits and fake hair blonde pretty and she was ready and she was ready and it was it almost happened and then I just bailed I was like no I can't why did you want to do that just for like the sake of having sex like I think I want to be part of this thing but it wasn't because you were like I'm attracted no no no no no no and that's what kicked in and that I'm not this isn't me yeah oh man and was she like your girlfriend was she like hey Jess like let's like do we were both our first relationship I'm I don't think we, like, looking back, we joke about it.

[904] Her name's Angel, I love her.

[905] She was just thousands of letters.

[906] Oh, you know?

[907] So gay.

[908] Like, just letters and we loved each other, but ultimately as friends.

[909] But yeah, we did sexual stuff, but I definitely was not my favorite part of the relationship.

[910] Sure.

[911] You know, but getting a letter given to me after every period and having a whole thing and I have to answer them.

[912] For someone who's giving you so much attention, of course you love it.

[913] Yeah.

[914] Okay.

[915] So when you have the.

[916] girlfriend and you're kind of like I love her like in your head you think that obviously then when people would call me fagget it would be a really weird juxtaposition I didn't get it like I didn't understand I have a girlfriend right but I'm doing all the things but I secretly knew they were right and I like liked some of the guys on my basketball team from afar it was just a really weird time I remember being a senior and a there was a freshman guy in um and we were driving on the bus and to a show choir competition and I rested my hand on his and it got really hard and I just left it on there for the whole trip and kind of pushed down a little bit and it was like so titillating we didn't talk about it and then we started having phone sex oh you did because I went away to UC San Diego and then we'd have phone sex and then when I'd go back up to Burbank we'd mess around never sex or anything but that was the first thing Oh, that was really the first dabbling.

[917] Did your hand accidentally land there, or you put it there because you knew he was gay?

[918] I knew.

[919] Wow.

[920] And he had girlfriends, too.

[921] He was like a jock soccer player in the show choir chair.

[922] Yeah.

[923] That's so interesting.

[924] Is he married now to a girl?

[925] No, he's gay.

[926] Oh, he's gay.

[927] He lives in Australia.

[928] Oh.

[929] Yeah.

[930] Well, that's a good ending to that.

[931] Yeah.

[932] Wow.

[933] Then, yeah.

[934] Then leaving and going to college was very, very difficult because I, I was the star in high school.

[935] Yeah.

[936] And then going and having no friends, I gained 30 pounds, way more zits around the mouth and yellow teeth.

[937] Your main quality.

[938] And I was by myself at UC San Diego playing intramural basketball and being in the gospel choir and coming back and eating two foot longs, two nut rages and two pints of milk watching friends in 1994.

[939] Oh, friends.

[940] Yeah.

[941] So when you talk about friends, it reminds me of getting fat.

[942] Oh, no. you get triggered every time.

[943] It was trigger you all the time.

[944] Well, it was 1994.

[945] I was to remember it very, very well.

[946] That's when it premiered.

[947] That was a year of friends and me being alone.

[948] Oh, friends and not friends.

[949] Right.

[950] No friends.

[951] So that was one year at you Sydney go there.

[952] I could not do that.

[953] And then I went up to L .A. and I started the groundlings.

[954] And that was my college.

[955] Did you feel like maybe when you were at college and you were alone, were you confronting your sexuality?

[956] Because you had to.

[957] Yes.

[958] It was very, very difficult.

[959] I would call phone sex lines.

[960] And when did Madonna's truth or dare come out?

[961] Fact check that because of that, when I saw that movie, I saw her dancers kissing and, you know, being very out and open.

[962] And it was like that movie changed my life a bit.

[963] Yeah.

[964] It's hard.

[965] It's hard to be.

[966] Yeah.

[967] But, you know, but we all feel different in some way.

[968] And for us, we feel terminally unique in that.

[969] And I don't think we are.

[970] But, yeah, I feel like college was interesting for me, too, because I felt like, okay, so nothing really happened in high school.

[971] That's okay.

[972] Like, I had other friends in similar situations.

[973] But then once we all went to college, I knew I have to start just kissing and having sex.

[974] And I have to do all this stuff.

[975] Like, that's what people do.

[976] I got to kiss everybody.

[977] And I got to, I got to eat around when I can.

[978] No, but I felt like I, I felt a lot of pressure also because the people that I felt like were sort of on my level leaving high school, they were all getting boyfriends and they were in college, like, college was the time to be like free and do whatever.

[979] And I couldn't do it, even though I wanted to.

[980] And I would always like, you know, look around in the classrooms and think like who.

[981] And, you know, then I landed on my teacher.

[982] Right.

[983] Who was just the one that I couldn't have at all.

[984] I picked him for a reason, I know.

[985] Since you didn't have that and doing that, did you act out in any other way or did you just get better at being a rad friend?

[986] I got so good at being a friend.

[987] I mean, I learned that skill in high school and middle school because I felt like nobody liked me and I had some confirmation that was true that I got so.

[988] so good at being the middleman, the best friend, the person hooking people up.

[989] I have these A messages that I printed.

[990] Oh my God.

[991] That I was looking when I was home last, which was a year ago, I was looking at these things in my memory box and there were these aim messages that I printed and I was expecting them to be me flirting with someone or something and they're not.

[992] They're all me talking to a guy about another girl.

[993] Oh my god, like Cyrano?

[994] I don't know Cyrano.

[995] Serena de Bergerac What does he do?

[996] Serrano de Bergerac has a big nose and he's in the...

[997] I do have a big nose.

[998] And he's in the bushes telling the other guy what to say to the girl.

[999] Yes, I'm Cyrano de Bergerac.

[1000] I am yes and I felt, I think I felt like connected, helpful.

[1001] And you seem to them to like me in some way.

[1002] And if they weren't going to like me in that way, they were going to like me in this way.

[1003] I mean, it's so pathetic.

[1004] But it's sad.

[1005] No, it's not.

[1006] It's healthier to act out and be a good friend and be a nice person and that you, people want to be around.

[1007] It's just like dripping in everyone like me. And I'm going to be a part of everyone's lives always.

[1008] I'm going to be in the middle so you can't remove me. I'm going to be integral to this.

[1009] I'm going to find my way to being a part of it, even though I'm not a part of it.

[1010] I'm not a part of that relationship, but I felt like I was because I was inserting myself in that way.

[1011] But yeah, so then when I went to college, I remember freshman year, I had this beautiful group of friends that we all went to high school together.

[1012] And then we all went to college together.

[1013] They're still just closest friends of mine.

[1014] And it was a group and they were all in relationships with each other.

[1015] Oh.

[1016] Like, you know, like my friend Christina was with her boyfriend Matt and Kierston was with her boyfriend Zach and Gina was with her boyfriend Robbie and then it was me and Callie.

[1017] That was the group.

[1018] Our freshman year, Matt kissed me at a bar on purpose.

[1019] Like, everyone knew that was going to happen.

[1020] And I started crying so hard immediately after he kissed me. Wait, because it was planned, like, we need to do her a favor?

[1021] So it was, I, there's been so many moments.

[1022] And then right after he kissed you, he told you, we were all in on this.

[1023] Well, no, he didn't say we were all in on it.

[1024] It was just everyone's there.

[1025] So clearly everyone's in on.

[1026] And it's not, he was doing it.

[1027] Not maliciously.

[1028] Totally the opposite of maliciously.

[1029] He's like, and we were really close.

[1030] Me and him were really, really close.

[1031] And I think he was like, yeah, I want to, I want to be.

[1032] her first, even though I kind of had kissed someone already, but barely.

[1033] And so it was like, yeah, like, I want her to have this.

[1034] I think.

[1035] And I want her, I want to be her first.

[1036] And it's like nice, but it made me feel so small.

[1037] And I started crying so hard and I couldn't stop crying.

[1038] We were in this bar.

[1039] Also, we were, like, drinking.

[1040] And so I think everyone kind of blamed the drinking for the reaction.

[1041] but the reaction is because it did.

[1042] It felt like I needed to be pitied and I couldn't get anyone else to kiss me. So my friend with his, a girlfriend had to kiss me. Like, it was not great.

[1043] No, that does not sound great.

[1044] And I think I would have cried too.

[1045] He also kind of robbed you of your semi first kissed.

[1046] Kissed.

[1047] Kissed.

[1048] He's not like the ax addict.

[1049] No, I, no, he didn't.

[1050] He didn't because I love.

[1051] him and he's very special to me and I I'm happy to have he's also hot and I would love to have him be my first kiss but not in a contrived way and he'll definitely hear this and I don't want him because he's a beautiful friend and will listen to all of these I don't want him to think that he made you who you are that I have any issue with that but it's just part of the whole story And it's my fault.

[1052] Like I have found a way to keep putting myself in these situations.

[1053] That's the point of this podcast for both of us.

[1054] We keep subconsciously putting ourselves in these situations that are confirming all the negative thoughts.

[1055] Right.

[1056] And I think we all do this.

[1057] I think everyone does this.

[1058] So hopefully that's why this is relatable.

[1059] I definitely acted out because I wasn't ready to deal with any of that.

[1060] And I definitely drank and did drugs.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] You know, when I was 25 -ish.

[1063] Yeah.

[1064] to 30 -ish, you know, Dax was involved with that a lot at the groundlings, but I did not want to handle the dating and the sex and the date and the gay thing.

[1065] Yeah.

[1066] So I definitely was the fun hang.

[1067] Yeah.

[1068] And it was just definitely like, I'm not going to deal with this.

[1069] I'm definitely going to get a little blackout a lot.

[1070] Yeah.

[1071] Well, okay.

[1072] So we delved in a little deeper.

[1073] We did.

[1074] We did.

[1075] And we're going to give each other other challenges right now.

[1076] And then next week we'll bring some.

[1077] somebody else in as a third opinion on our stuff.

[1078] Okay, so what is my challenge for the week?

[1079] I want to do too, but I guess, okay, this one's going to be interesting.

[1080] With your Instagram, I think that there's probably dozens and dozens and dozens of direct messages that you have received that you don't know about and that you would maybe go through these and see if there's any guys that are legitimately in this straight world.

[1081] we are maybe or gay world whatever the DM thing is a thing i see people that date people off their sliding into their DMs and what if out of your 200 ,000 followers there's someone that has reached out that's a cool normal guy and so go through all of your DMs and see if anyone is hitting on you that is valid and i'll help you if you want think that The challenge needs to be something I have to do.

[1082] I mean, I could go through my DMs, but I could just say I went there my DMs and there was nobody.

[1083] So maybe.

[1084] Okay, then what you have to do is download either Tinder or Rea and put up a full -on profile and have it running in one week.

[1085] And start using it.

[1086] Can I combo that Rea and the DMs?

[1087] Because it's not forcing you to go on a date, but that is two very action -based things.

[1088] At the apps, I mean, I'll do it.

[1089] I'll do it.

[1090] But I just hate those apps.

[1091] But it's not fair that I hate them to be.

[1092] Like, I hate them in theory.

[1093] Right now.

[1094] I hate them because they're running my life.

[1095] And you hate them because they're super uncomfortable.

[1096] I wish we both found a healthy medium and a healthy balance between what we're doing, never on it and on it too much.

[1097] So here's your challenge then.

[1098] It's in direct relation to mine.

[1099] You don't have to do it for.

[1100] the full seven days, but for five days, I want you to not be on the apps.

[1101] Were you not on the apps last week?

[1102] You were.

[1103] You were scrolling.

[1104] For sure.

[1105] Yes.

[1106] I want you to five out of the seven days, delete the apps.

[1107] Delete them.

[1108] So it is not a part of your day.

[1109] And you have to find other ways to do your day.

[1110] I thought it was going to put your real age.

[1111] I was ready for that one.

[1112] This is way harder.

[1113] It was going to be that.

[1114] The real age.

[1115] to be honest is I don't have my age on there so I'm not lying except for Tinder because when I try to change my age on Facebook it's blocked me and said you've changed your age too many times I swear to God I'm permanently that age on Tinder and Facebook because it's connected Oh my God I'm sweating so much because I'm so embarrassed For five out of seven days Today is Wednesday Today's Wednesday I have to delete the apps Yeah.

[1116] And then your day will open up.

[1117] You'll figure out how to do those days without that band -aid.

[1118] All right.

[1119] I love you.

[1120] I love you.

[1121] I love you so much.

[1122] Thank you.

[1123] I'll see you next week.

[1124] Good luck.

[1125] I might be dead.