Bill Burr

[0] Hi, my name's Bill Burr, and I feel great about being Conan's best friend, because I know if he's an Irish guy, he probably can't handle a compliment.

[1] Fall is near, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[3] This is the podcast where basically I'm talking to some of my favorite people I've had on the show over the years.

[4] I love them, but no friendship ever really developed.

[5] I'm trying to see if we can make that happen here.

[6] I'm aided by my trusty assistant Sonamov Sessian.

[7] Hey, Sona.

[8] Hi.

[9] And Mr. Matt Gourley.

[10] hi yeah what was that that was a weird quick because that was almost a Japanese hey hey I thought you were going to speak so I cut it off mid word okay well that's I guess your job here is to interrupt the host that was a mistake I am really excited about today's guest he is one of my favorite comedians we have a lot in common and I think he's one of the most original comedy voices of the last day decade.

[11] I'm talking about Bill Burr.

[12] Bill, I'm thrilled you're here because I absolutely love you.

[13] You're one of the funniest people out there, and we've got to know each other a little bit, but this is a nice chance, maybe.

[14] Maybe we'll hang out here today doing this podcast, and at the end you'll say, you know what, I want Conan in my life.

[15] Do you think that's possible?

[16] Oh, I think you're going to go the other way.

[17] Maybe I don't feel great about Conan after talking to it.

[18] That could go that way.

[19] Look, I'll be honest with it, it could go that way.

[20] It could happen that way.

[21] No, man, I got to tell you, doing, like, the level of respect I now have doing a panel on talk shows is because of all those, the great back and forth that I've had with you and Andy.

[22] And what I've always, you know, said is you're like an old school guy where if the guest is killing, you know, the show is killing.

[23] I always know you know where I'm going, but you always pretend like you don't and you just lead me down there.

[24] And then Andy always jumps in like the good cop to nice it up if I said something too, Too far.

[25] It really just, it works.

[26] No, it's nice that I like comedians to score as much as they can score because I always think that's good for the show.

[27] And I've had some of them tell me over the years that they were with other hosts.

[28] And they were like, I, you know, he didn't, I could tell he didn't want me to score that much.

[29] And I thought, why?

[30] You're out there for an hour every night.

[31] You want the other person.

[32] And all people do is when they talk about, is talk about how hard you're laughing.

[33] Yeah.

[34] Because I know when I watched the Carson clips, that's what I'm watching, because that was like, you know, the Holy Grail.

[35] And if you could get that guy going, like, and everybody would, I remember back in the day, just watching Johnny Carson or even, like, Letterman or something.

[36] I remember Chris Farley had an, he had won a panel.

[37] Like, that was like a big thing as a comic coming up, like, to be good at panel.

[38] I feel like it's becoming like a lost art. And so I always wanted to be good at it.

[39] And George Goldblast watched all of those guys.

[40] But I saw Chris Farley on David, on David Letterman.

[41] It was the hardest.

[42] He was already making him laugh.

[43] And he said, so what happened when you went to college?

[44] And Chris did one of those weird voices.

[45] He goes, well, Dave, the trouble continued.

[46] Something like that.

[47] And just the way he did it and the timing, like, I want to say Dave put his head down on the desk.

[48] But it was a gut laugh.

[49] And I was just, and I remember thinking just as I think I had just started doing stand -up.

[50] I was like tracking, you know, already tracking laughs.

[51] And I was like, he got a gut laugh from David Letterman.

[52] I mean, that's like.

[53] This is what, this is what I compare.

[54] to, I always had a keen eye for what made my dad laugh.

[55] And if someone really made my dad laugh or someone on TV really made my dad laugh, I noticed it.

[56] And I would feel that way when I would watch Johnny Carson as a kid.

[57] I would watch him because I'm watching a guy, an adult, who I really respect, and they're laughing hard.

[58] And as a kid, you're like, okay, that's really cool.

[59] Yeah, I want to be able to do that.

[60] I want to be able to do that.

[61] And I remember it was Buddy Hackett.

[62] I think Buddy Hackett used to make Johnny laugh harder than anybody.

[63] Oh, they'd be coming back from the commercials because you've told all the dirty jokes during the commercials.

[64] Yes.

[65] The classic two guys walk into a bar.

[66] For my dad, it was Foster Brooks.

[67] Back when alcoholism was funny.

[68] Alcoholism was hilarious.

[69] Yeah, there was this guy whose whole career was pretending to be drunk and everybody loved it.

[70] I mean, everybody loved it.

[71] And then one day, everybody said, alcoholism isn't funny, and it was over for foster products, I think.

[72] Is he advocating beating your children and not remembering it the next day?

[73] You know it's funny?

[74] That guy never drank.

[75] No, no. He was a total teetotaler, yeah.

[76] And what I loved was after he would do it, he always made, like, a lot of his appearances, he made sure he did this big dramatic bow like that was just a performance, so like you knew.

[77] And it was like very like...

[78] It's like Don Rickles at the end of his act would always sing, I'm a nice guy to show people, you know, like kid.

[79] and after just going after everyone for a solid hour he would sing a song and I talked to Bob Newhart once and he used to say like lose the song everyone, they just love that you do that you don't need the song And Rickles was like no no no I need to do that I need to let people know It was probably for him then Do you remember that Buddy Hackett Buddy Hackett did a special one time me and DeRosa were watching it was hilarious it was just all street jokes just the dirtiest stuff you know absolutely hilarious and then in the end he was singing a song because his daughter had grown up and fallen in love and was getting married and he was sad about it.

[80] And he just sang this sad song.

[81] I never heard of this.

[82] He just sang this sad song and closed his special on it.

[83] It gets unbelievable.

[84] It was later in his career.

[85] It was like one of those days when you first got a cable.

[86] It was HBO Showtime and Cinemax was like somewhere.

[87] It might have been a Cinemax special.

[88] I don't even remember.

[89] But yeah, he closed out a special singing his sad song.

[90] And everybody's just like, wow, that's really sad.

[91] What else?

[92] you got it's just like good night everybody no this is the thing that makes me crazy about comedians uh in general and comedy in general there's this idea that's been around for a long long time uh i remember um uh i think billy crystal did some movie and his manager or someone said to him now you finally arrived and billy said why and he said because you made me laugh but you also made me cry and i think what i have no interest in ever ever making anyone cry.

[93] It is not something that interests me. And all my favorite comics, like W .C. Fields, I love W .C. Fields.

[94] Or the Marks Brothers or the Three Stooges, they don't care about making you cry.

[95] I never bought into that idea that you got to make them laugh.

[96] But then at the end, you got to bring a little tear to the ride.

[97] No, you don't.

[98] Go slice an onion, you know, but you don't need to do that.

[99] That's one way to do it.

[100] But I look at it, like people are coming to the show to get away from that.

[101] And that's why a lot of times, you know, comics get in trouble for jokes about sensitive stuff.

[102] And it's like a lot of people, they don't understand that that is part of humor where it's like, you know, you make the joke because you don't want to feel the pain.

[103] It's not that you're not taking it seriously, but like, you know, I've done shows for troops.

[104] And, you know, they tell me some of the jokes when they're on the battlefield and they see dead bodies and stuff or whatever, like the jokes that they make, you know, cops, you know, seeing all the carnage that they see, car accidents and firemen and all that.

[105] They all have the jokes they have to make.

[106] Other than that, we're just going to sit there in the same.

[107] sadness of it.

[108] So the problem is people take it as like, you know, disrespect and now with all this childish behavior on the internet right now, which is why I'm just regressing back to MeTV.

[109] To avoid the internet, you watch old TV shows on Me TV.

[110] Yeah, I like it because I, you know, the stuff that I'm getting to do now because of the tickets that I'm selling, the thing we did the other day was insane and it was just like to keep me, you know, I come at home, I really enjoy being a dad.

[111] I like doing the dishes.

[112] And I like coming home being like ridiculously normal.

[113] So now I'm just, I'm overcompensating to just kind of balance it out.

[114] So that's why I was telling you earlier that I went to the grocery store today.

[115] And I saw in the rack.

[116] I saw Reader's Digest.

[117] I'm like, I used to love that, man. I just got that.

[118] You got your, so you're reading Reader's Digest.

[119] You're watching shows from the 19, early 60s.

[120] I'm going home tonight.

[121] I'm going to make some pumpkin bread.

[122] Just going all nuts for the holidays.

[123] What happened?

[124] This is so funny because you're pretty new.

[125] You're pretty new to being a dad.

[126] love it though.

[127] And you, and I remember talking to you beforehand, you had some trepidate, you know, you were like, I don't know, there's going to be a big change, right?

[128] That's the funniest thing you're ever going to say that I had some trepidation about it.

[129] I was terrified.

[130] I always wanted to, and I actually wanted to have like a big family and everything, but, you know, the things that happened to me that made me end up getting into this business made that always seem like it was a year away until I finally, I just decided like, this is my choice.

[131] I know I'm with the right person and then just, you know, it's one of those Like a lot of things in life.

[132] You think it's a mountain and you're just stepping up onto a curb or stepping off it or whatever and you think that, you know, the whole world cares.

[133] Everybody's paying attention to your problems, all of that shit.

[134] So how, so this is a question because this is where we can probably relate is growing up.

[135] We both grew up in the 70s, parented in the 70s.

[136] I was sort of an overlap 70s into the 80s.

[137] Okay, 70s in the 80s.

[138] I'm older than you.

[139] I was mostly 70s.

[140] Right.

[141] And I'm one of six siblings.

[142] Me too.

[143] I'm one of six.

[144] So here's the thing.

[145] It's chaos.

[146] You know, I love my parents, and they did a fine job.

[147] But it was chaos in a lot of respects.

[148] It sounds like you gave me a three -star review.

[149] It was good food, you know?

[150] Yeah.

[151] I just gave my parents an okay Yelp review.

[152] They got one Michelin Star.

[153] Yeah.

[154] They got no Michelin's stuff.

[155] The food wasn't great.

[156] But they did what they could do.

[157] But it was chaotic.

[158] There's, and there's sort of frontier justice sometimes.

[159] And it's all this stuff that doesn't exist anymore.

[160] Because I see my wife, we have two kids, and my wife showers each of them with attention, ladles them with attention, and makes sure that all of their emotional needs are met.

[161] And I'm always enraged.

[162] I'm jealous because I'm, you know, she's like, well, how did you feel about that, Beckett?

[163] And Neville, how does that make you feel?

[164] And I'm going to go talk to her because she seems a little upset.

[165] So I'm going to go spend a half an hour with her and talk to her.

[166] And I'm furious because that's not how it happened.

[167] She's on the job and just shot a suspect.

[168] It's just like her phone died.

[169] But you feel that way, right?

[170] Oh my God.

[171] I used to do a bit about this.

[172] I was in the grocery store one time.

[173] And there was this kid crying because he wanted something.

[174] And his mother didn't give it to him.

[175] And it made me feel good.

[176] And I wanted to be like, yeah, I get used to that.

[177] Yeah.

[178] You know?

[179] And then one time when I saw a mother gave into it, Like, I got mad, and as an adult, I wanted to trip this toddler.

[180] You wanted to trip a toddler?

[181] I didn't do it, but, like, that was the thought in my head.

[182] Like, I wish that kid would fall down and get hurt, and I didn't do it.

[183] So I get to enjoy watching him cry.

[184] You know, it's funny?

[185] Well, a long time ago, when I was in English class, there was a, in high school, there was this story that everybody hated, and I loved it.

[186] But, like, it was the football players, cheerleaders.

[187] They all hated it.

[188] So I knew the pecking on.

[189] I was just, you know, I was background.

[190] Like, it was a, it was a movie.

[191] like I was just the guy walking by and background you know me just walking through the high school and then like all the football players and stuff so it was this story about there was this kid he was up in a tree and there was two older older kids were playing catch and he was sort of heckling them and just being a dick and then he fell out of the tree and started crying I forget how it ended but I just remember thinking that was perfect because I wanted them to beat the shit out of the kid and but you couldn't because you get in trouble but then like nature just did it for them yeah so then you got to to enjoy watching him cry and you couldn't get in trouble so when the adults showed up.

[192] Like, what happened?

[193] What happened?

[194] I fell out of the tree.

[195] You know what that is?

[196] That's biblical justice.

[197] Yeah.

[198] That's God took care of that.

[199] It still bugs me to this day that I didn't have the courage to raise my hand in that class and say my, as everyone was going, oh, stupid.

[200] I mean, didn't do it.

[201] He's football players.

[202] I don't be like, I loved it.

[203] Little shit fell out of the tree, started crying, and they didn't get in trouble.

[204] I wish that happened in my life.

[205] Now, okay, so now.

[206] Four stars with your, with your, With your child, you're obviously going to shower more attention.

[207] Do you ever feel at all jealous that your child is going to get more attention than you got?

[208] No, I'm not going to...

[209] And Sonas, my assistants here laughing because she sees how obsessed I am with this topic.

[210] What is it, Sona?

[211] No, I'm just...

[212] It's the thing about being jealous of your kid for just getting attention and love.

[213] That's only something someone from a family of six kids would think about.

[214] I'm enraged at my children, forgetting the attention.

[215] When I see the joy.

[216] When I see the joy on my child's face.

[217] That you're giving them, by the way.

[218] And also, they're growing up without any deep emotional wounds, and I resent that.

[219] So I've got to feel like I have to manufacture them.

[220] No, but I think that that's something that, like, I've heard, like, a lot of rappers that, you know, grew up in, you know, crazy tough neighborhoods.

[221] And then all of a sudden they're in the Hollywood Hills.

[222] there's like that thing where it's like, okay, I'm so happy my kid doesn't have to deal with any of this stuff.

[223] But is my kid just going to be this little, like, I don't know what the proper word is, what you're supposed to say now?

[224] We used to say a pussy.

[225] Like, is this kid just going to be some spineless, like at some point there's got to be, he's got to scrape his knee or something because he's going to go out.

[226] Now, this is the thing.

[227] There's all of this crap out there about, you know, don't bully and don't do this and don't do that.

[228] and all of this type of stuff and everything's been labeled and they got all these kids doing this stuff but when they go out in the real world and they get on the treadmill and it's all about making money and it's cut through all of those rules are out the window like adults bully the shit out of each other they're mean they still say stuff it's just at another level so if you're gonna just have them kind of be like the boy in the bubble and then just let him out there and be like okay I did my job he's not this he's not that he doesn't do this he doesn't do that or anything like that but he never got into a fight Like, that's, like, we already have, like, a thing, like, me and my wife.

[229] Like, she wants, you know, my daughter, obviously, to go to, like, ballet classes and stuff.

[230] I'm like, no, she's also going to learn some MMA because, no, because I feel like any time an attacker would come in, like, I feel like on the down low, like, and nobody should know, especially sex offenders, that women should all learn that stuff because those guys, you know, if they're going to sexually violate a woman, they've got to get in close.

[231] And, like, all those women that I watch in the UFC when they know jujitsu, whenever I see.

[232] that.

[233] It was just like, I would love one of those pieces of shit to ever pick on something like this because they're just right in there and they're just automatically, get them in a triangle, choke them out.

[234] The cops will be there.

[235] They'll break their arm.

[236] Like, whatever they got to do, they'll beat the shit out of them.

[237] And I was somebody initially, when I saw the UFC women were getting into it, I was like, I don't want to watch them beating the crap out of each other and stuff.

[238] And now that I watched it, I'm like, this is great.

[239] Because I always felt like, you know, with all this Me Too shit that's out there now, like, something that I've kind of started to understand It's like, do you know the feeling you get when you watch like those behind the scenes and like prisons, you know, and you watch that?

[240] And all you think is, how the hell would I survive in there?

[241] Jesus Christ, I can imagine these guys walking around trying to do that stuff to you.

[242] And it's just like, you know, women have to deal with that having not committed a crime, just kind of walking down the street or something.

[243] Not saying all the time, like going to the grocery store, but like late at night.

[244] Like they have to go mentally where I am when I'm watching like one of these things.

[245] So like, why would I want, you know, my kid to feel something like that?

[246] And if there is something out there that can prevent it, you know, I wish my wife would listen it like you do right now to this theory that I have as long, because she just goes, no, no, no, she's going to learn how to dance.

[247] She's going to be a lady.

[248] It's like, again, she'll know how to choke somebody out.

[249] It just, you need to have those surprise left turns to attract a mate.

[250] Yeah.

[251] You can't just be going down Main Street the whole time.

[252] I like this ended with you wishing that you were married to me. That's the best place at this plan.

[253] I wish the best for you.

[254] We're going to take a quick break.

[255] We're going to resolve some of your...

[256] But you would divorce me because I would ask you listen to your emotional needs and you wouldn't be able to handle it.

[257] I wouldn't be able to handle it.

[258] Yeah.

[259] I don't want to be listened to.

[260] Yes.

[261] I want to complain about it.

[262] I don't want to fix anything.

[263] I want to complain about all of it.

[264] And that's what I enjoy.

[265] I finally pushed through that in the last 10 days.

[266] You did?

[267] 10 days.

[268] The last 10 days.

[269] I got you just in time.

[270] I had a breakthrough.

[271] I'll talk about when we get back.

[272] I had a break thing.

[273] I'm not saying I won't have some relapses of getting angry.

[274] and inanimate objects and stupid shit that's out of my control but I just I had a breakthrough This is incredible I want to find out about this let's take a quick break and then we'll find out about Bill Burr is life -changing breakthrough that happened only 10 days ago hang on And now it's time for the segment Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house Yes yes we don't need to go into detail a big mortgage beach house bills to pay let's pay those bills.

[275] And we're back.

[276] I know.

[277] And I'm literally going to be telling you this emotional breakthrough, like a fat person that lost five pounds, like I'm not going to go back to Twinkies.

[278] Yeah, three days into a diet.

[279] I cracked it.

[280] I got it.

[281] I got to figure it out, dude.

[282] I'm going to have the washboard middle.

[283] Now they're 600 pounds.

[284] It's going to come off.

[285] No, I just, I don't know what happened.

[286] I'm just sick of getting into arguments with people, and I'm sick of getting into arguments with, like, my wife.

[287] and I went to this Dodger game and then when I went home, my wife was mad at me because she didn't feel that she was invited to the pregame because my friends came over and I had to get some beer for us.

[288] One of the few times I actually sent her house to go do shit.

[289] She does that to me all the time.

[290] Can you swing by?

[291] That's her big word.

[292] It's always in the complete opposite direction.

[293] I always want to send her a definition of swinging by.

[294] Usually means on the way.

[295] Can you burn another half a tank of gas past the house?

[296] So anyways, I came home and she's like, all the lights were out in the house.

[297] So I go, oh, let's go down, you know, sit outside on the back porch, quietly smoke cigars and talk about how the Red Sox are one game away.

[298] Can you believe this, right?

[299] So she texts me at like 1130.

[300] She's like, where are you?

[301] I'm on the back porch.

[302] And she just lights into me about the whole day, how she hasn't been invited or whatever, everything like that.

[303] So normally I would have just gotten into it.

[304] It's like, how are you not inviting to something that was going on in your own house?

[305] Why do you need an invitation?

[306] Yeah, why do you need an invitation?

[307] And not only that, you have women over here all the fucking time.

[308] And I feel you subconsciously being like, Bill, get the fuck out of here.

[309] And I get it.

[310] I screw.

[311] I get out of there.

[312] I know you guys want to talk about all of what you want to talk about, whatever.

[313] But I like when my wife hangs around because she's hilarious.

[314] She breaks balls.

[315] And then my guy friend's always like, oh, my God, you got the coolest wife ever.

[316] I'm like proud of her.

[317] But I don't know what happened.

[318] I kind of got off the road.

[319] I didn't ask about her day.

[320] You know, it's that one little thing and then it just all starts tumbling.

[321] So I went upstairs and I just kept saying, I'm not going to get.

[322] to an argument to you.

[323] I love you and you love me. I'm not leaving you.

[324] You're not leaving me. This is stupid.

[325] Like, what is the problem?

[326] She said, no, forget it.

[327] Forget it.

[328] I had to like, just slowly pull it out of her.

[329] And I found out that that's what it was.

[330] I didn't ask about her day.

[331] And I said, you're right.

[332] I should have done that.

[333] All right?

[334] I apologize.

[335] Now, can you come over here?

[336] Are you going to go to bed angry?

[337] She was a little stubborn.

[338] And I just, I just kept saying, I'm done with this.

[339] I'm saying it out loud, so hopefully I do it.

[340] I'm not doing it anymore.

[341] And if she gives me the honey -do list, rather than bitching about it, I'm just going to knock it out.

[342] And I'm going to test this theory, the happy wife, happy life thing, you know, which I've been joking about my life, that it sounds cute because it rhymes, but it really is a threat.

[343] And it's kind of weird that all this progressive feminism out there that they're sitting there talking about being kept women when most guys are in my situation, they don't beat their wives, they're not assholes, but basically they're in a situation that unless they do everything that another adult says there's no happiness in the house and somehow like that's progressive.

[344] Okay, you achieved no breakthrough.

[345] That's what I'm getting.

[346] That's what I'm getting right now.

[347] You have not achieved a breakthrough.

[348] You said you would achieve a breakthrough.

[349] Then you started talking and now you are raging against the institution.

[350] I told you, I was going to have a relapse.

[351] I know, though, but I realize that what I did in the, like that's the key.

[352] And we are getting along ridiculously well.

[353] Yeah.

[354] It just is that resentment because there's always that voice in my head.

[355] Like, Phil, you know, you're just, you're getting along so well with her because you're just doing everything that she says.

[356] Like, how is this fair?

[357] But I have enough, I've carved out enough space, you know?

[358] I got my little space in the back where I can smoke cigars, and then I soundproof the garage, and I have a drum kit in there.

[359] And that's another thing I do.

[360] We start getting to a fight.

[361] I go, I'm going for a walk, and I go into the garage, and I play like two Pantera songs, and then I don't care.

[362] And I'm having a good time, and I come back out.

[363] And I don't even remember, like, what do you want me to do?

[364] What do you want me to move it?

[365] I'll move it over there.

[366] And then next day, tell me to move it back.

[367] And I don't give a shit.

[368] That's a good idea.

[369] No, I don't want you to say you don't give a shit.

[370] You know, that's another thing, too.

[371] I want you to meet it when you do it.

[372] It can't just be a system.

[373] You know what I mean?

[374] You have to be emotionally connected to what they want.

[375] I'm almost there, Conan.

[376] It's like, you're not close.

[377] It's a screen door.

[378] It's a screen door.

[379] You're not close.

[380] You're not close.

[381] No, that's your own issues.

[382] Oh, you know what I hate is when people say you don't say project.

[383] I hate the way people say project.

[384] You told the whole story how you projected your childhood on your own children.

[385] That's true.

[386] Your seed.

[387] But here's the thing.

[388] What I don't like about the projecting thing is that there are times where I'll see some, it's like we live in this culture now where someone can take a gun and can shoot someone else and then you can run up to that person.

[389] So you just shot that.

[390] We've always lived in a country like that, by the way.

[391] Let me finish.

[392] I don't know if you've read a history book.

[393] That's kind of how it went down.

[394] And then someone runs over, then someone runs over to the guy who just shot someone and says, hey, I can't believe he just shot that guy.

[395] I didn't do that.

[396] You're just projecting that on to me. That's the culture we have now.

[397] Everything's projected on to you.

[398] You don't think that that's a bit of an extreme example?

[399] I think it is.

[400] Listen, you've never been in like a bad mood and just taking it out on somebody?

[401] Sona.

[402] What do you think?

[403] Yes, he has.

[404] He has often.

[405] Yeah.

[406] But I do it all the time.

[407] It's pretty amusing, isn't it?

[408] It's amusing because it's passive aggressive in a very, frightening way.

[409] I have a lazy.

[410] It's funny.

[411] People are laughing.

[412] When I'm mad at them, I get them laughing, and then they're like, they're tearing up because they're really laughing at this past progressive thing I'm doing about how they just fucked up.

[413] And then I walk away, and they realize they've been cut six different times across the abdomen.

[414] It's awful.

[415] It's awful, right?

[416] I can't wait for the behind the scenes.

[417] This is the behind the scene.

[418] This is.

[419] Oh, sorry.

[420] I'm an awful person.

[421] He's awful.

[422] The worst.

[423] Wait a minute.

[424] Sorry.

[425] Come on.

[426] Only he's awful.

[427] He's allowed to say how awful he is.

[428] Yeah.

[429] Because you're supposed to go, no, Conan, you're not that bad.

[430] No, no, no, that's not our relationship at all.

[431] He is the worst.

[432] No. The worst.

[433] So this is interesting.

[434] So you've got, you know, there's this theory that I've been doing for three days and it's the happiest three days of my marriage so far.

[435] Okay.

[436] She's doing everything she says for me to do.

[437] There's this theory that we are easier to deal with men as we get older because our testosterone falls.

[438] They always, give us credit for just having wisdom, you know what I mean?

[439] It can never be like a guy is actually smart.

[440] Despite all the shit we've invented, it just has to be, oh, this is just a chemical thing.

[441] Yeah.

[442] And also, you've been given a sedative.

[443] Speaking of testosterone, it's borderline illegal now to have testosterone.

[444] Like this whole champion of the beta male is just like, I just don't understand, which is fine.

[445] You can be like that.

[446] You know, I got a friend of mine.

[447] He loves sex in the city, which I think when you watch, it's so campy it should be it still he still likes it like it should be a musical every time i drive my my wife nuts like she won't watch that show in front of me because the over -sexed one there like every joke is the same joke so i just i'm in the other room every time she delivers a punchline i just go cause she's a whore which one is that samanta samantha yeah i always feel so bad for kim kim kattrell it's just like you couldn't give her anything else she told the same fucking joke for like seven years.

[448] She never poked her head into the writer's room being like, hey, what if she's you know, has a hobby?

[449] You know, I don't know.

[450] She did have a hobby.

[451] She's into sailing when she was a kid or she got back into horseback riding or something.

[452] Oh, she's into giant horse cocks?

[453] No, no. She just likes to ride horses.

[454] Oh, that's show.

[455] Well, here's my question for you.

[456] Do you ever fear that is your rage drop?

[457] and you become more centered.

[458] This is a total comedian's fear that you'll lose the edge.

[459] No, not even remotely.

[460] That's like the worst thing of that whole thing.

[461] If you get happy that you're not going to be funny.

[462] And it's like, you know, so I had a kid, this ridiculous level of love that you then experienced.

[463] But then what immediately happens is there's this fear of, oh, my God, what if something happens to this wonderful thing?

[464] So then your comedy comes out of the fear.

[465] Like one of the first jokes I had was the first time I walked out onto the front porch with my daughter.

[466] My first thought was, what if a bird of prey swoops it and takes my baby?

[467] And I went through the whole thing of how I would kill this bird.

[468] I think it ripped its leg off and stabbed it with its own talents.

[469] Do you remember that in saving private Ryan when that guy was trying to hold off the night?

[470] Yes, and they slowly push it through.

[471] That's what I did to the bird.

[472] In your mind.

[473] In my mind.

[474] Let's just be clear that you did that in your mind.

[475] Yeah, but so since that, so it just comes from that.

[476] Yep.

[477] And I agree with you, by the way.

[478] Yeah, I don't think, first of all, if someone said it's a choice, you can either be funny or be happy.

[479] I'd say happy, give me happy.

[480] I'll take that.

[481] If it was a choice, I don't think it is a choice because I think.

[482] That's a tough one.

[483] I'm not there mentally that because my whole way of connecting with people is I make them laugh.

[484] And like that just comes from, you know, growing up with orange hair.

[485] And it was just like, I got to make these people laugh before they beat the shit.

[486] to me. Well, that's, you're talking, you're preaching to the choir.

[487] Yeah, that's essentially what it was.

[488] I hated the way I looked when I grew up.

[489] You know what I wanted to do?

[490] I wanted jet black hair.

[491] I wanted to look like Bob Crane on Hogan's Heroes.

[492] Jack Lord.

[493] No, Jack Lord was my hair.

[494] I thought that a man, a real man, was supposed to have jet black hair, and I had, you know, sort of orangeish hair.

[495] My two front teeth were dead, and I had freckles and a round face.

[496] And I just...

[497] That's a tough hand, dude.

[498] You got to fold on that one.

[499] It was, no. I trust me, I tried to fold.

[500] kid.

[501] You got to play the hand.

[502] It was bad.

[503] I played the hand, but that's where you learn.

[504] I got to be funny.

[505] I hated the punk rock kids.

[506] I hated when they came and they dyed their hair some crazy color and everybody thought they was so radical.

[507] I just remember about that.

[508] You can wash that out and rejoin the Matrix whenever you want.

[509] Like, this is like a fucking life sentence.

[510] Yeah.

[511] No, I used to think that.

[512] I used to think if I had brown or black hair, I would have a girlfriend right now.

[513] I would literally like literally think shit like that.

[514] Like, I swear to God, if I had brown or black hair, I don't think I'd be in this business.

[515] I'd probably just be some, you know, Jackass driving a truck or something.

[516] Did you, was there anyone you wanted to look like, that you envied their look?

[517] And you thought, yeah, I wish I looked like.

[518] Oh, yeah, all of them.

[519] Bert Reynolds, like, the whole thing, the whole look growing up, Bert Reynolds was the model.

[520] Like, it was like, you had to have, you had to be able to get a tan, you had to have jet black hair, you had to have the mustache.

[521] And it went, it was Bert Reynolds.

[522] Then it went to Tom Selleck.

[523] Tom Selleck, yeah.

[524] And then there was Matt Houston.

[525] All of these guys were just like subsets.

[526] They were all the same guy.

[527] And they had the curly, wavy hair, the shirt open, right, with the medallion sort of thing.

[528] And they just were guys, guys.

[529] But I love those guys.

[530] And I thought, like, you know, Bert Reynolds' passing was really an end of an era for a guy that they really aren't going to allow you to be anymore.

[531] Like, they're not going to allow a guy to kind of have that kind of fun anymore.

[532] And what's so stupid is they act like there wasn't willing participants.

[533] You know what I mean?

[534] Like, they just can't be this charismatic guy that all the women want to bang and then he just can't go out and bang them all and have a good time.

[535] Like, I think so much of what's going on right now is women who are like fours and fives are mad that they're not being treated like tense, you know?

[536] Okay.

[537] Which annoys me as of five.

[538] This is Bill Burr talking now.

[539] Yeah, but this, this, this annoys me. Conan's over here listening to him.

[540] This annoys me as of five.

[541] I'm like, get a personality.

[542] Start telling some fucking jokes.

[543] Like, I don't get mad that I'm not like the copper tone model.

[544] You know, they need to be more diversity.

[545] It's like, no, you pasty fuck.

[546] We're trying to sell some stuff here.

[547] Beautiful people exist for a reason.

[548] Like, they can sell stuff.

[549] They're fun to look at.

[550] You know, I love a beautiful movie star.

[551] I don't think that regular people should be up there.

[552] If I want to do that, I'll go in a bus station.

[553] I am happy to be 90th on the call sheet, going in handing something to a beautiful actor and all the movies that I'm in.

[554] You stare into it.

[555] That's what you do.

[556] If you're not good looking, you just steer into it.

[557] You don't try to make good -looking people feel bad for being good looking.

[558] I mean, there's a whole bunch of life that they don't even understand until their looks start.

[559] They get their pain when their looks go away, okay, and they haven't built any solid relationships with anybody, and then their big AMX card of looks gets canceled.

[560] It's like, what's his face in trading places?

[561] You're like, Dan Aykroyd.

[562] You just go, it all goes.

[563] It all goes away, and the next year you're eating a fucking sandwich and your Santa Claus beard is getting in it.

[564] They're going to get their pain.

[565] Here's the question, though.

[566] You think that there are handsome people out there that are really funny.

[567] Bert Reynolds was hilarious.

[568] Exactly.

[569] Exactly.

[570] And let me just add a quick, quick, quick story.

[571] Bert Reynolds really not long before he died, I think months before he died, came on our show.

[572] And I went back to say hi to him in the dressing room.

[573] And he was sitting down.

[574] He had trouble getting up.

[575] Yeah, he just played football and did all those stunts.

[576] Yeah, he needed help.

[577] And so he didn't get up.

[578] And I had been told he had trouble with that.

[579] So I just sat in a chair That was right up next to him To just thank him for coming and chat with him And try and put him at ease And as I was talking to him, he reached over And he started to massage my back And he was massaging my back And it was one of the best massages I've had And I just I was like Yeah, I just leaned into it I did I just was like Bert Reynolds is my hero from when I was a kid Is massaging my back And I was going like, oh, that feels good And he's like, oh yeah, yeah You got a knot right here I'm going to get that for you.

[580] And I thought, I am now so many women in 1972 getting a massage from Bert Reynolds.

[581] And I love it.

[582] I love it.

[583] I like how homo erotic it is, too, because guys back then were like so straight, they almost became gay again.

[584] Like, you know what's the funniest thing ever?

[585] Men of a certain age, if you go into a steam room, like everybody, our age down, you've got a towel over yourself.

[586] Those guys are like so straight.

[587] They just come walking in with their junk hanging out.

[588] Like, yeah, how are you doing it?

[589] Yeah, yeah.

[590] just like, Jesus Christ, buddy.

[591] It doesn't occur to them.

[592] It doesn't, yes.

[593] It was not even like, I didn't even think that they, like, homosexuality was so not even out presented anywhere in mainstream, I think.

[594] That's my only way to, like, get around, like, how their behavior.

[595] It's a running joke between me and my friends that we go, I go on the road with.

[596] Like, when we see an old guy coming, like, starting to change, we just start loud because we just sit there, okay, here we go.

[597] He comes this guy with his depression -era junk that's going to come walking.

[598] Hey, that penis fought Hitler.

[599] Give him a break.

[600] Greatest generation dick and balls is about ready to come in here.

[601] We took the beach with this cock.

[602] Give me a break.

[603] That's how I didn't get shot.

[604] I hid behind my junk.

[605] Yeah, but those guys back then, like just the lives that they were living.

[606] So, I mean, back then, you looked up to him.

[607] Now, I don't know.

[608] I don't know where it went is what happens.

[609] The testosterone drops, the, you know, the fluorides in the water.

[610] Probably.

[611] Right?

[612] The lizard people all meeting.

[613] I would love to hear what they really talk about, you know, at those meetings.

[614] You know, there's no way they're not talking about the population problem in water.

[615] What are you talking about?

[616] At the Bilderberg.

[617] The Bilderberg group, you know, the most powerful people, military and all that.

[618] You mean they get together and they talk about?

[619] Well, it's not a secret where they meet and who's there.

[620] They just won't say what they talk about, which I understand.

[621] to a certain extent, but you can't tell me that somebody's not in the middle of the meeting.

[622] Like, hey, uh, seven billion people.

[623] I'm just saying.

[624] Wait, that's the result of his study?

[625] Just throwing that out there.

[626] I'm just, hey, seven million, just saying.

[627] Swirl of trash, two and a half times the size of Texas, two miles deep out in the Pacific Ocean.

[628] I think the robots, that's what is going to be.

[629] Are you a conspiracy theorist?

[630] Yeah, but I'm actually.

[631] Because I am not.

[632] But I am not.

[633] I think people, when they get into these, small elite rooms, talk about stuff that is very mundane and boring and they don't know much more than we do.

[634] I really believe that.

[635] I think that makes you feel better.

[636] I think you're projecting.

[637] No, I'm kidding.

[638] Oh, God.

[639] I'm kidding.

[640] I'm kidding.

[641] I can't handle it anymore.

[642] I love that I know something now that gets under your skin.

[643] No, I am.

[644] I definitely am.

[645] But I don't think the world is made out of cheese, but I also don't look at...

[646] No one does.

[647] The moon.

[648] Sorry, the moon.

[649] But I'm just saying they go, oh, put on your fucking.

[650] a tinfoil hat, you know, I'm just, you know.

[651] You went political at the end, and that disappointed me. You're a hilarious gentleman, a hilarious individual.

[652] What I love about this format, I'm not been doing this long, and I know you do this.

[653] Only you don't need a guest.

[654] You just talk yourself, which I think is the height of narcissism.

[655] You have the nerve.

[656] Here I am, and I'm not going to talk to anybody.

[657] No, you know what it is?

[658] You know what it really stems from?

[659] It's laziness.

[660] I don't want to deal with telling somebody where I live and, oh, dude, Dude, my fucking wife told me to go blah, blah, blah.

[661] And then I got to, you know, can we reschedule this next Tuesday?

[662] I just didn't want to deal with that.

[663] Yeah.

[664] So, no, but I have guests on.

[665] I'd love to have you on.

[666] Come on, we'll do the same.

[667] We'll do the flip side of this.

[668] Yes.

[669] Well, watch for me. Watch for me. What the fuck is that?

[670] This is literally what it's become.

[671] We've just talked to each other for an hour, and now you're going to come on mind and we're going to talk for another hour.

[672] That's all it is.

[673] That's what I think is going to be the end of all wars, is that everyone's going to have a podcast, and people are going to be so busy going on each other's podcast.

[674] there'll be no crime, there'll be no violence.

[675] Also, no one growing crops.

[676] But we'll just all quietly, as a civilization, go to sleep and the planet will die.

[677] Now, all that has to be is that whole thing.

[678] All that has to be, you take the humor out of that, and you're a conspiracy theorist.

[679] Yeah.

[680] That's all it is.

[681] It's a very little, just move to the needle.

[682] It's just a slight, slight move.

[683] Stop being silly.

[684] Be more serious.

[685] All right.

[686] Thank you.

[687] You cured me. Hey, and I'm glad you reached.

[688] And Bill, it's clear to me that you really have reached Nervon.

[689] and an inner piece.

[690] Is this passive aggressive?

[691] There's nothing but bile all over the table.

[692] But it's Boston Bile, which is the best kind.

[693] I am like the happiest I've ever been.

[694] I know.

[695] It's scares.

[696] That's the saddest thing you've ever said.

[697] All right, we're going to go.

[698] I'll come on here whenever you want me to come on.

[699] I love coming over.

[700] I've got nothing but great memories are coming over here.

[701] All right.

[702] I've gotten a lot by doing your show.

[703] I've been using you, Conan.

[704] I really have.

[705] I was like, where is there another red.

[706] headed meal that I can hitch my wagon.

[707] And I did it, God damn it.

[708] All right.

[709] Thank you.

[710] God bless.

[711] You don't return my calls.

[712] All right.

[713] Thank you, Colin.

[714] Go socks.

[715] Over and out.

[716] And now it's time for a segment called Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[717] Bill, this is Matt.

[718] In the beginning, you said that you felt great.

[719] Why are you talking me like we're on the phone?

[720] Bill, this is Matt.

[721] Come in, Bill.

[722] People know who you are.

[723] They don't know who I am.

[724] You should have said, hello, everyone.

[725] I'm Matt.

[726] I'm here with Bill.

[727] Jesus Christ, Bill.

[728] That's, there we go.

[729] In the beginning, you said that you felt great about being Conan's friend, but now I think he's completely out of his mind.

[730] After spending an hour with him.

[731] You don't want to be his friend?

[732] Once the HD makeup's gone, and you're really looking to his soul, which you can see because he's a redhead like me. We're transparent.

[733] You also said you wanted to be his best friend.

[734] His best friend, I said that?

[735] You did say that.

[736] Yeah.

[737] Do you still feel that way?

[738] No, I think I just always wanted an older redhead older brother who didn't beat the shit out of me because he related my older brother had brown hair so he didn't have me there was no empathy is that where your desire to have the brown hair look came from no it was it was the ass kickings oh the inordinate amount of ass kickings that i was getting just because i was there right as opposed to the fact that i actually did something deserving of it but you i really sound like a feminist right now i just feel like if i had brown hair all the doors would fly open and no one would be mean to me I love trash and feminists.

[739] You don't have to use bait.

[740] They just jump in the boat.

[741] They're the easiest people to upset.

[742] I just want to know if you want to be Conan's friend.

[743] If I could do an entire tour of women's colleges, it would be my favorite year of stand -up ever.

[744] Why don't you?

[745] I don't know.

[746] You know what?

[747] Maybe I'll pitch that.

[748] Every night, I'll just put the video up.

[749] Do you want to be Conan's friend?

[750] Do you want to be Conan's friend?

[751] You're really harping on this.

[752] This is weird.

[753] Yeah, I don't know.

[754] I'm not sure yet.

[755] All right.

[756] I don't feel good.

[757] I felt great about the ending of the real podcast.

[758] this aftermath i don't feel good about i feel like you just got some sort of information on me and i'm going to walk through a false panel here and i'll never see my kid again all right we just what is that button is that some sort of freemason thing next to your pocket god it's just a button all right you okay i am fine but you know i was in a much better mood a minute ago so i want you to know i don't mean this in a bad way but i want you to go fuck yourself i understand i want you to stop doing this to guess because this isn't right okay this is going to You know, what did he hire you to do?

[759] Creep people out before they went into traffic.

[760] I don't understand you as a person.

[761] Maybe it's because you have brown hair and you can't relate.

[762] But didn't you just say that you shouldn't.

[763] I'm trying to assimilate into my world.

[764] Jesus Christ.

[765] And appropriating my pigmentless culture.

[766] Didn't you say to leave those people alone?

[767] Who?

[768] The people with the brown hair that did not begrudge them.

[769] You're not a good -looking guy.

[770] I didn't say it was.

[771] I was talking about good -looking people.

[772] I didn't say it was.

[773] You look like that guy in the coming -of -age movie that they do the makeover.

[774] on you know what I mean back in the 80s no I don't you do no I know I don't know what you mean I'm not oh you don't argue well I'm old okay you remember the Andrews sisters yeah you look like they're manager you look like their manager wow that was the biggest insult from the 1940s you want to go back another decade because I'll do it I guess I'm kidding anyways thank you for having me on Matt I'll see it home yeah now it's time to listen to some voicemails from some fans and answer some questions.

[775] I await with anxiety.

[776] Okay.

[777] This next question is about your staff.

[778] Conan, what is your favorite part of messing with your staff?

[779] I hope to hear back.

[780] Thanks.

[781] Bye.

[782] Wow, that's a good question.

[783] My favorite part of messing with my staff.

[784] To be completely honest, it's every kid's fantasy to sort of be all -powerful.

[785] Do you know what I mean?

[786] You know, kids put on like a, they tie a cape around their neck and they think they're Superman and they jump off a balcony.

[787] I have this little world, a little Willy Wonka factory, and I'm Willie Wonka.

[788] And if you're going to be at the Willie Wonka factory, be Willy Wonka.

[789] It's great.

[790] And I walk around and I say all these crazy things and no one can, I'm very silly.

[791] I speak in like a fake language that I've made up.

[792] I call everybody Chopper.

[793] I refuse to call them by the name, Hey there, chopper.

[794] What's up there, chopper?

[795] Looking good there, chopper.

[796] I kick open doors instead of opening them regularly.

[797] There's a couple of the writers that I wrestle.

[798] It's madness.

[799] My favorite thing to do with you is when you're holding a cookie that you just got downstairs in the green room.

[800] I hate this.

[801] And you're so happy with it.

[802] As I'm walking by, I crumble the cookie.

[803] Yeah.

[804] And one move.

[805] And you always say, you dick.

[806] You dick.

[807] I say you're, you dick.

[808] I call you a dick.

[809] Yeah, in front of everyone.

[810] And everyone laughs.

[811] We all enjoy it.

[812] In fair.

[813] I do then come back and help you pick up the pieces of crumbled cookie.

[814] No, you don't.

[815] You're right, I've never done that.

[816] No, you've never done that.

[817] You did that this week.

[818] I was holding a package of Oreos I was really excited about.

[819] You know what it is?

[820] I see how excited you are.

[821] I'm not kidding.

[822] You get so excited about a pack of Oreos.

[823] Like it's the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and only you just found it.

[824] And then I reach over and I crush it.

[825] That would be fair.

[826] You could still pour that over the top of an ice cream cone.

[827] Yeah, but I want my full.

[828] Oreos, you took that experience away from me. I don't do this all the time but it's just fun to be a madman who's in charge of an insane little kingdom.

[829] Yes.

[830] I enjoy it.

[831] And absolute power does corrupt absolutely.

[832] And I'm saying that is a good thing.

[833] Yeah, okay.

[834] This next question is about sports.

[835] Conan just wanted to know what a celebrity really gets you heated when it comes to sports.

[836] Like I know you're a big Boston fan, so So you did you get pissed off at.

[837] All right.

[838] Have a good one, man. He seemed to get dispirited at the end of his message.

[839] Yeah.

[840] He said his thing and then he was like, well, all right, man. I felt like his spirit leave his body.

[841] Oh.

[842] That's a good one.

[843] I have to say it, there's no specific celebrity, like a team gets hot, and then they're in the playoffs, and suddenly these celebrities that you never associated with that team start showing up.

[844] Yeah.

[845] Do you know what I mean?

[846] Yeah.

[847] I don't have a specific name, but I've just noticed I'll be watching TV.

[848] And the brewers, you know, we'll be in the, oh, the brewers for the first time are in the World Series.

[849] This is really exciting.

[850] And let's say, there's Carmen Electra in the front row.

[851] What?

[852] Where has she been?

[853] She loves her brewers.

[854] Where is she from?

[855] She's from Las Vegas, Nevada.

[856] And she loves her brewers.

[857] And she's got a new show called Elektra doing it to the jam jam, you know.

[858] That's a terrible title.

[859] You should tell her that.

[860] It's her title.

[861] You know what I mean?

[862] You're just, you're watching it and, well, the Brewers, it's so exciting.

[863] Everyone's excited here in Milwaukee and there's Dame Judy Dench.

[864] She's in the front row and she's trying to lead the wave.

[865] Dame Judy Dench says she's Love the Brewers since she was a little girl.

[866] Growing up at Hogwarts.

[867] What?

[868] Just nonsense.

[869] I don't like a, I don't like celebrities and I hate it on Fox when they're trying to promote a show.

[870] Have you noticed this?

[871] They're trying to promote a show and Fox will have the World Series and the camera just happens to find the entire cast of the new show and the show hasn't even come on the air yet and they'll be like, well, we're back with some big baseball and what do we have here?

[872] It's Willem Defoe and Christy Brinkley and seven kids who play their children from the cast of Fox's all new.

[873] Get up there.

[874] Jubb.

[875] People don't travel around together that are on a sitcom?

[876] That's never happened.

[877] What's next?

[878] Oh, let's do number six.

[879] Okay, this bothers me because you seem really excited about question number six.

[880] Conan, can you please let me know if you bought Sona a new car?

[881] Because you destroyed hers, and it's only fair.

[882] Thanks, bye.

[883] I love this question.

[884] For those of you who don't know, on the air, I noticed that Sona's car is a little dilapidated.

[885] It's a Jetta.

[886] Mm -hmm.

[887] And how old is it?

[888] 11 years old.

[889] 11 years old.

[890] And I think it has over 900 ,000 miles on it.

[891] It has 160 ,000 miles on it.

[892] It's been to Mars and back four times.

[893] And looks like it, actually.

[894] Look like it burned up during re -entry on one of those trips.

[895] It's in rough shape, that car.

[896] And so we went looking for a new car for you.

[897] And I thought, you know, it's supposed to be funny.

[898] It's a funny segment.

[899] It's not funny if I buy you a nice car.

[900] I would have enjoyed it.

[901] You would have enjoyed it, but you wouldn't have laughed, and people watching it wouldn't have laughed.

[902] So I found you the least expensive car I could find.

[903] I think we paid, and I'm not kidding, $50 for this car.

[904] And I gave it to you.

[905] So I did give you a car.

[906] Now, granted, it looks like a family of nine was murdered in the back seat.

[907] There's just torn up a pulster.

[908] And you wouldn't even get in it.

[909] No, I hate it.

[910] Describe the car.

[911] It was smelly.

[912] It was completely just disdained.

[913] inside weird stains too so many weird stains that don't look normal it was I think most of the time they brought it they had to push it it was just it didn't really work it didn't work well I had it pushed out onto television and presented to you and it was funny I think what this woman's alluding to is that earlier in this segment we investigated your car and I may have pulled a few things off the car you broke things I broke a few things but then did I not fix most of them No, actually, no, you did not.

[914] No, you ripped the sunglass holder out and it broke and now it is broken.

[915] So that is not fixed.

[916] So that's something in fairness I should probably pay for.

[917] Yeah.

[918] Well, here's what I, a lot of people have asked me if you bought a new car.

[919] I think they think that on air you presented me with this crappy car.

[920] But then after, when we went to commercial, you opened you're like, here's a great new practical car for you that I got you because I ruined yours.

[921] Wait, what am I suddenly, Ellen?

[922] That's where I tell me. What am I Oprah?

[923] No, that would be stealing their idea of being, giving people nice things.

[924] I can't do that.

[925] I refuse to infringe on their territory.

[926] I've carved out my own thing, which is I don't give anybody anything.

[927] I'm sorry.

[928] It's just funny to me. Look under your seats, ladies and gentlemen, and there's nothing there.

[929] It's Conan's week of nothing.

[930] Well, seven days till Christmas, you get nada.

[931] That amuses me. And I think I give the ultimate gift.

[932] Laughter.

[933] Hello?

[934] Where'd you go?

[935] You still here?

[936] Why don't you just do this?

[937] This would be in keeping with your style.

[938] Why don't you order me a new car and then have it delivered to your house?

[939] Because you've done that with plenty of things, haven't you, Sona?

[940] Should we do another question?

[941] Sure.

[942] Hey, Conan, this keeps me up at night.

[943] I just want to know who your favorite Pokemon is.

[944] Thank you.

[945] Oh, definitely Shaikadu.

[946] What?

[947] Shikadu.

[948] Is Shikadu a Pokemon?

[949] Yeah.

[950] He looks sort of like a watermelon, but he's got four eyes.

[951] I don't know anything about Pokemon.

[952] Yeah, Shikadu.

[953] I love Shikadu.

[954] I like Bibliok.

[955] Okay.

[956] Stroz.

[957] Wait, what was that one?

[958] Pactia.

[959] I love Haiku, Toshu Shippa.

[960] Okay.

[961] Gim -gam?

[962] I like Gim -Gam.

[963] Gim -Gam is a clam that's covered in chocolate and it has sneakers.

[964] Hakataka is my favorite.

[965] I like Hakataka.

[966] He's a little sailor's cap that has six legs and it wears a wristwatch.

[967] Hakataka.

[968] Dootally -Doo.

[969] I like Dottledi -Doo.

[970] Dole -do is probably the best.

[971] It's the body of a worm and then it's the head of a 1970s game show host.

[972] I don't need to know real characters because I can do this all day and all night.

[973] You know I can.

[974] I do.

[975] And I actually was, I thought they were real.

[976] Rokopo.

[977] I love Rokopu.

[978] Rokopu is a toothbrush that's from Russia.

[979] And it wears a tweed suit.

[980] Rokopo.

[981] You wear the toothbrush?

[982] Yeah.

[983] I'll do this as long as you want to do it.

[984] Can we make it stop?

[985] I am a bottomless well of fake Pokemon characters.

[986] Because you know what?

[987] And kids, if you're listening out there, if you can't make it in this life, fake it in this life.

[988] I know very little, but I know how to just talk.

[989] Hi kiki tea.

[990] It's a toilet seat with a mustache.

[991] He drives a little Volkswagen bug.

[992] Hikiti.

[993] I'll do this until the cows come home, which reminds me of Goglihu.

[994] Goghru is a cow who's coming home, and he's dressed like an astronaut, and he's lactose intolerant, which is rough if you're a cow.

[995] The cow is?

[996] Why would you do this?

[997] Why would you revisit any of this?

[998] Why would you go back to the scene of the crime?

[999] It's best just to move on.

[1000] You think that guy's going to be satisfied with my answer?

[1001] I think so.

[1002] I spent his life thinking about this crap, and here I am.

[1003] You know, it's not right.

[1004] No. Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1005] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1006] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Andrew.

[1007] and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1008] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[1009] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1010] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1011] Got a question for Conan?

[1012] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1013] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1014] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1015] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.