Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hello.
[5] Hi, Effie.
[6] Look, Conan, David, Matt.
[7] Wow, hello.
[8] How are you?
[9] Really nice to meet you, Effie.
[10] Tell us where you're coming from.
[11] I am zooming from Durham, North Carolina.
[12] No, I meant emotionally.
[13] Oh, well, yikes.
[14] I'm not kidding.
[15] You're in Durham, North Carolina.
[16] North Carolina is beautiful.
[17] What a gorgeous state.
[18] It is.
[19] It's really nice there.
[20] It's all coming.
[21] Both really the best.
[22] Yeah.
[23] That's so cool.
[24] Well, it's really nice to meet you.
[25] Tell us a little bit about yourself, Effie.
[26] Okay.
[27] Well, I live in Durham, North Carolina.
[28] I'm originally from Texas.
[29] I am a nurse.
[30] I've been a nurse for seven years.
[31] What kind of nurse are you?
[32] I've done a few different types.
[33] Currently, I do ICU nursing, but I've done emergency and I've done flight nursing.
[34] flight nursing what's that what's that yeah that is um it can be it can vary but i did the type where we did like a helicopter or ems uh transport so like i worked in rural new mexico and transported people either from scenes or from hospitals to you're in the you'd be in the chopper trying to take care of the person while you're speeding them to the hospital through the air that's right that's i don't know why i said through the air because i think it's pretty obvious that it'd be great if you're on a helicopter, but you were on a flatbed truck.
[35] And the helicopter was just to let people think they were in a helicopter, but you're driving down the highway.
[36] Yeah, and you keep going, whee, isn't this great?
[37] We're flying.
[38] So Effie, now you're an ICU nurse.
[39] That's got to be tough because these are people that have come out of like a massive surgery.
[40] They're in rough shape, and that's who you're taking care of?
[41] Yeah, yeah.
[42] It is rough a lot of the time, especially in the current state of affairs.
[43] but it's also great, you know?
[44] You mean current state of affairs because of COVID?
[45] Yeah, like post -in and I didn't know what you meant.
[46] You know, people are sick and then they know about the recession.
[47] And so I'm just trying to be clear like which bad thing that's happening is making it more.
[48] But yes, of course it would be COVID.
[49] And what's that like?
[50] I mean, I come into work and act like a fool and people say, good job, see you tomorrow.
[51] You have to, you're saving lives and taking care of it.
[52] people that's very intense you seem and the and you're a very young person that's got to be rough yeah yeah like i said it is rough um terrible at times awful at times um but also um great and awesome and i can't imagine doing anything else so well you're helping people first of all which is lovely that's very cool that you're you're there um i mean you're the most important person in people's lives when they're going through that which is i would yeah it's very yeah it's very yeah It's a very raw thing.
[53] But, I mean, it's also just kind of a privilege that not very many people get to kind of experience a terrible, awful moment with someone as they're going through these things.
[54] So, yeah, I mean, it is a privilege while also sometimes feeling totally dejected and awful.
[55] You know, it's funny, I have noticed over time that whatever your job is, and, you know, no matter how intense you.
[56] your job is you're going to find ways to blow off steam.
[57] You're going to find ways to offset the drudgery or the emotional toll of what's happening at work.
[58] And I know that you must be doing that at the ICU.
[59] Sure.
[60] Yeah, definitely individually and I think collectively with my coworkers, we do that for sure.
[61] So give me an example of what you guys do just for fun to pass the time, maybe to have a little enjoyment in your job while you're in the ICU um yeah so and we'll hide your identity if we have to yeah great um because if it involves you know taking people's money and stealing their identities while they're out um no i won't i won't talk about any of them because this is a sting operation for precisely that that's what we're pretending to be a podcast we're here basically to solve crimes tell us about that fun thing you do in the ICU well we steal their identities and move move move You know, your whole career has been a deep cover.
[62] Oh, I'm deep cover just to get, I'm just here to get F -E.
[63] Okay.
[64] Yeah, my whole career for 35 years in comedy has been a plan to get F -E.
[65] Impressive.
[66] I hatched this long before you were born.
[67] That's how far ahead.
[68] Well, kudos to you, I guess.
[69] So what was the question?
[70] Oh, please.
[71] I guess I went on a little bit of a run there about this being a sting operation.
[72] What do you do for fun?
[73] Like, there must be times when you and the other ICU nurses get together and do something fun.
[74] Yeah.
[75] There have been a couple things.
[76] Like last week, my co -worker and I made up a kind of a rolly chair ballet, if you will.
[77] So we did a little interpretive dance.
[78] No patience were hard.
[79] No patience were harmed.
[80] Did you guys film it?
[81] Can we get a video of that?
[82] Yeah.
[83] We do.
[84] We did.
[85] It went on the, it went on the old Instagram.
[86] But and, you know, like with some music and stuff.
[87] And, you know, of course there were alarms going off.
[88] But we just used.
[89] use that like to the beat of the of the dance.
[90] What do you mean alarms like?
[91] What do you mean of course?
[92] I'm just kidding.
[93] It's called the flatline ballet.
[94] It's beautiful.
[95] No, no, no. Listen, Effie, we joke and we kid, but I know you're a professional.
[96] But I also suspect you occasionally use devices that are available to an ICU nurse to have fun.
[97] I know you do.
[98] Yeah, no, we do.
[99] So I would say a couple months ago, we had a contest that was who can, hold the most urine in their bladder and we had that I got really dicing I'm sorry but how do you tell if I can be so crass you're not evacuating the urine and then peeing and then measuring it right?
[100] How else would you know?
[101] No no no no no no we have a a bladder scanner device that the urinator 7 ,000 I have one of these they're fun I use them at parties all that what I do is I use them I have one it's portable, and I go up to people and press it against their abdomen and say, you need to use the bathroom.
[102] See, that's an A -lister thing.
[103] We can't get them.
[104] Oh, trust me, all the celebrities have them.
[105] And if someone's at the table with me and they say, well, and I'm telling a story, and they say, actually, I've got to go pee, if I suspect that they're cutting out because they don't want to hear more of my story, my seventh story of the night, I use the bladder scanner.
[106] And I say, no, no, no, you've only got a quarter of a liter of urine in your bladder, sit back down.
[107] I was just about to say, I got to go pee to get out of this.
[108] No, no. It comes down.
[109] It comes down.
[110] We have one here.
[111] Wow, so you used a bladder, a bladder scanner, and who won?
[112] One of my coworkers, her name is Saheli, and she won with almost a leader.
[113] A leader.
[114] Oh, 10 gallons to Haley won?
[115] Yeah, she sure did.
[116] That's an incredible prize.
[117] What a leader.
[118] She got the prize of pride.
[119] I actually lost the competition.
[120] I had like a hundred before I broke.
[121] It was And it was, and I was dubbed, like, peanut -sized P -SAC.
[122] Wait, can I ask a question, generally, how long did you all have to wait to do this?
[123] Like, how long did you not go to the bathroom to do this?
[124] I'm in hours.
[125] Like, I would say, like, six to eight hours.
[126] I'd never make it.
[127] No. Have you ever used the defibrillators for anything fun?
[128] Like to start a car?
[129] Yeah.
[130] Because you can't be a big car, but a four -cylinder.
[131] If it was a four -cylinder car, you know, late 1960s Japanese model, you can, get it started with defibrillators.
[132] Clear!
[133] Let's get going.
[134] Let's get in that dots in and go get some beers.
[135] No, unfortunately, that's frowned upon.
[136] Oh, that's frowned upon.
[137] Oh, that's frowned upon.
[138] Yeah, but not the old nine -hour pee contest in the corner.
[139] That's probably frowned upon as well.
[140] So, all right, tell us about if it's okay, I don't want to pry, but your personal life.
[141] Are you single?
[142] Are you seeing anyone?
[143] Are you married?
[144] What's up?
[145] Yeah, I'm married.
[146] Oh, you are?
[147] I'm only married, yeah.
[148] All right, okay.
[149] I didn't ask about happily.
[150] I don't know why you started shouting that.
[151] So, and tell us about your husband.
[152] He is, let's see, we've been together since high school.
[153] And some might say high school sweethearts, though I don't think it was really like that.
[154] But we've been together, let's see, 12 years.
[155] Wait a minute.
[156] Go back there.
[157] Seems like that's a story.
[158] Yeah, what happened there?
[159] We just, he just, like, wouldn't really give me this.
[160] time of day at first and we didn't get together until like the end of high school and so we weren't like holding hands to the hall it was more of like uh ignoring each other type of thing so yeah to be fair my wife wouldn't give me the time of day for the first six years of our marriage and i found it to be highly i mean that got my attention it's just playing hard to get that's all it's a story as old as time yeah he got i mean he got it i guess he did it So you got it He got it Okay, so you guys You get married And how long are you been married for?
[161] Five years Oh wow That's incredible Does you have a very Tough job What does he do?
[162] He's a psychiatrist Oh my God You married a psychiatrist Wait so was he doing some kind of I didn't know he was going to be a psychiatrist Was he doing some kind of reverse psychology on you Throughout those high school years?
[163] That's what he was doing Yeah Oh I ignore you I'm not going to give you the time of day.
[164] Yeah.
[165] And it worked perfectly.
[166] He fell right into his hands.
[167] What is?
[168] He must be playing mind games with you right now.
[169] Right.
[170] Oh, God.
[171] Yeah.
[172] Is it tough being married to a psychiatrist?
[173] I would think that would be difficult.
[174] Yeah, sometimes.
[175] I mean, you know, he, he's a good listener, which.
[176] Yeah.
[177] But he bills you by the hour.
[178] That's the point.
[179] Right.
[180] Thanks for listening.
[181] Honey, no problem.
[182] That's $135.
[183] But sometimes, you know, he's, he, he knows, you know, he knows, you know why you're upset or he's you know so he tries to like make you get there and uh it's just really good at like arguing and and uh won't deal with my uh irrational thoughts so first of all not all your thoughts are irrational and i think i think he has put that thought into your head but i think many of your thoughts you've everything you've said so far excluding how you pass the time in the ICU has been very rational and i think he's playing mind games with you to control you that's a big red flower like that one.
[184] Yeah, but no, but he's controlled, he's clearly controlled you throughout high school to get you to marry him and then now he's controlling you by saying, oh, your thoughts are irrational and you buy into it.
[185] We're here to rescue you to break you free of this monster.
[186] What's his name?
[187] Andres.
[188] Undress.
[189] I'm going to have a little dossier brought up on Andres.
[190] Undress the psychiatrist.
[191] And we know that he's in North Carolina.
[192] Okay.
[193] This is good.
[194] I think he's trying to control you, and he must be stopped.
[195] I do.
[196] I think he's okay.
[197] Okay, I changed my mind.
[198] I think he's okay, too.
[199] I didn't say I was going to cling to this theory that the minute Gorley went the other way, I was like, yeah, you're probably right.
[200] He seems like a cool guy.
[201] Effie, do you have a question for Conan at all?
[202] I do.
[203] Yeah, who the fuck do you think you are?
[204] Where do you get off?
[205] Where do you get off talking about my husband with no information.
[206] information.
[207] We come to find out he's actually feeding her cute cards right now to control of what she says.
[208] Yeah.
[209] Yeah.
[210] He is.
[211] Yes.
[212] My question is, so in the hospital and the ICU, we have a lot of conversations, obviously, when things get tough about kind of, you know, where you want your life to go and what you want from your life and, you know, if it all kind of, if things get taken away from you.
[213] So in the event that things go south for you, Conan, if.
[214] What do you mean if?
[215] What year?
[216] I mean, I can name seven periods of my career where they went clearly south from me. I mean medically south.
[217] Oh, medically south.
[218] Yeah, yeah.
[219] So what are your dying wishes and when do we pull the plug?
[220] Well, first of all, let me write this detail, by the way.
[221] Speaking earlier of my wife, my wife wants to pull the plug constantly.
[222] She's like, let's insert a plug and then pull it.
[223] I'm fine.
[224] That's a really, wow, that's a powerful question.
[225] And I do think Girlie's going to probably go find this episode when the time comes.
[226] That's right.
[227] Which, if Gawley gets his wish, will be very soon.
[228] But I'm, that's an interesting question.
[229] Conan's directive.
[230] This is my directive.
[231] So, what are my last wishes?
[232] Witnessed by David.
[233] That's right, yep.
[234] Okay, here we go.
[235] My last wishes are, I wish to, I wish to be immortalized with a giant statue.
[236] Oh, I thought you were going to say you wish to be immortal.
[237] I'm just under there.
[238] No, no, I trust me. I've looked into it.
[239] It's too late for that.
[240] I would like a big over -the -top funeral.
[241] I would like a large statue to be unveiled of me on horseback, even though in life I didn't ride horses.
[242] I want to be treated with full military honors, even though I did not serve in the military.
[243] Every branch.
[244] Oh, my God.
[245] I want jets going overhead.
[246] I want Coast Guard as well?
[247] Coast Guard.
[248] I want a full Coast Guard salutes.
[249] It's got to be done near the water so that there can be guns firing from And I, you know, some people are very humble And they just want, oh, I just want a simple Casket or I And I'm going completely the other way.
[250] I want honors that I'm not entitled to in life.
[251] I want to get them in death.
[252] And I want there to be a national day of mourning And I also want my casket to tour the country.
[253] Lincoln's toured the country for several weeks after he died, after he was shot it took this train trip all around the country and people could go and see Lincoln.
[254] I want mine to travel to tour for like, like Aerosmith, I want it to be two and a half years, a two and a half year tour.
[255] And I wanted to go to Tokyo.
[256] I want to go through most of the European cities.
[257] International.
[258] Oh, international, yeah.
[259] I want it to be, I want to go everywhere.
[260] And I just want there to be a huge fuss.
[261] Would you mind if this tour is just connected to an Arrowsmith tour That's fine That would be fantastic You know In life You know Conan gave his all And now Loving an elevator Okay Living it up But I'm going I said And they bring my body out And they Like weak into brains See you look better than Stephen Tyler Yeah exactly Put some Stephen Tyler Scarves around me And then using some of the Defibrillator technology get me moving around the stage, you know?
[262] Just shoot me up through of electricity.
[263] I love that.
[264] I love that.
[265] So those are my last wishes.
[266] Okay.
[267] And pull the plug.
[268] Man, I just think wait until you hear from my tour manager.
[269] When it's time to go, I want to go, you know?
[270] I want to make sure we sell out completely.
[271] So once we've sold out the tour, even if I'm starting to recover, make sure I'm killed.
[272] Let's put a pillow over my head and get me out.
[273] All right.
[274] Let's sign these.
[275] But we're talking.
[276] This is going to be a very very.
[277] very expensive international funeral slash aerosmith tour.
[278] And he's really drawing up a contract and signing it.
[279] Okay.
[280] Yeah.
[281] I worry now that.
[282] This is official now.
[283] Yeah.
[284] You know, Adam is already looking into ticket sales over there on the corner.
[285] He already sold it.
[286] Yeah.
[287] I'm worried now.
[288] This is going to get me killed.
[289] The tour starts on Monday.
[290] Yeah.
[291] We just got such a good rate.
[292] You just got to sign here and it's done.
[293] I'm going to sign this right here.
[294] And then you need to witness this.
[295] Okay, this is my directive.
[296] This is my signature.
[297] Can you see this pretty well, Effie?
[298] This is the whole directive.
[299] Oh, yeah, wow.
[300] Okay.
[301] And we need you to verbally agree that you, and then I'll put your name down, okay?
[302] Okay, great.
[303] Do you verbally agree that this meets with your approval?
[304] I do, yeah.
[305] We'll make a copy of it, put in the chart.
[306] She can be our nurse on tour.
[307] Oh, yeah.
[308] You defibrillate.
[309] Oh, yeah.
[310] To get them to dance.
[311] I would be glad to do that.
[312] You know what the one reason I want to be a doctor is, Effie?
[313] And my dad's a doctor, and I never went into it.
[314] But the one thing I would love to do is walk into a room and pick up a chart, that move, and look at it.
[315] Look at the chart and then start saying things.
[316] Just looking at charts, I love that move.
[317] Coming into a room, it feels so powerful.
[318] And then saying things to the patient that, in my case, would not be true.
[319] Like what?
[320] Well, surgery was an overwhelming success.
[321] We did have one.
[322] That's not true.
[323] I know.
[324] Oh, God.
[325] We did have one issue.
[326] We found an old train pocket watch in your rectum.
[327] Grandfathers.
[328] Still ticking?
[329] I would just love to sail.
[330] I mean, it would just, I love anything officious that involves papers and a clipboard.
[331] I love.
[332] I've always loved that.
[333] And I've always wanted to go in.
[334] And when I walk in just to visit friends, I always pick up their chart and start going through it.
[335] Some of these potassium levels are most alarming.
[336] I'm going to put you on seven C Cic's of cytosil.
[337] Phil.
[338] And let's check your resting heart rate in four hours after you run up a hill with a bank safe on your back.
[339] Nurse, thank you.
[340] I'll be on my rounds now.
[341] Wouldn't I be good at that, Effie?
[342] You know, I question that.
[343] I do.
[344] Wow.
[345] Not a ringing endorsement from Effie.
[346] Yeah.
[347] Okay.
[348] Well, that's...
[349] I do think you have something to offer, I'm sure.
[350] Like, you know, entertainment or or come on you'd be a lot of fun around the ICU wouldn't I I think so you know we actually have an order that I'm an international superstar what do you see my funeral oh no let me get another piece of paper so I think I would I think I would have a good time hanging out at the ICU I think I'd bring a lot of smiles to some faces I think so we have an order that says we can put in that says musician to bedside and we could just put one in that says Conan to bedside.
[351] Yes.
[352] Show up.
[353] You know the way they have service animals that come and visit an ICU?
[354] You should have a service Conan.
[355] And I just come in and I have that little red vest on and I get up on the bed and I slobber them.
[356] Oh.
[357] Oh, come on.
[358] No. Oh, right.
[359] They're with you and told the slobber.
[360] Oh, I wasn't with him ever.
[361] Okay.
[362] No, he just didn't like the whole idea of me even talking to Effie.
[363] Well, Effie, I like you a lot.
[364] You seem very cool.
[365] I think you're a fine person.
[366] I love what you're doing for a living.
[367] You're helping so many people.
[368] And that is very impressive.
[369] I worry somewhat that Andre is controlling you.
[370] Um, but.
[371] Yeah, I'm going to think about that.
[372] Yeah.
[373] Well, then he's going to say one or two very clever things that get you not to think about it because that's Andreas's, uh, power.
[374] Yeah.
[375] But he's lucky to have you.
[376] He's a lucky man. And I'm serious.
[377] He really is.
[378] And you seem like a very, you seem like a very well, I'll tell him, You know, as soon as he gets home from pretending to be a psychiatrist because he just tells you he does that.
[379] He just goes and hangs out at the train station and eats a ham sandwich and then comes home.
[380] It's a difficult day, many of the interesting patients.
[381] Admit it, you've never seen a paycheck from him.
[382] That's true.
[383] He just says that, you know, he just says that it's there.
[384] Trust me, go to the train station tomorrow.
[385] Put a ham sandwich on a little fishing pole.
[386] You'll see him there.
[387] You'll see him there.
[388] I don't know how we've already reduced him.
[389] to a guy that loves his ham sandwich and we'll follow one attached to a fishing pole.
[390] We're idiots, Effie, and you've wasted your time with us, but we're fans of yours.
[391] You're very cool person, so thank you for talking to us.
[392] Thank you guys.
[393] Can I take a screenshot?
[394] Sure.
[395] Is that a thing?
[396] How do we stop that?
[397] Look at the camera?
[398] Yeah.
[399] Ready?
[400] One, two, three.
[401] You -hoo!
[402] Very cute.
[403] Did it come out?
[404] Yeah, it came out great.
[405] Of course, your friends will tell you you just made that.
[406] Yeah, you know, it's easy Photoshop.
[407] Oh, okay, last thing, I promise.
[408] My friend sent me a text about a dream that she had with you in it.
[409] Oh, hello.
[410] Please, please be sexual.
[411] Please be sexual.
[412] Not quite.
[413] It says, I had a dream.
[414] Damn it!
[415] This is so my life.
[416] It says, I had a seeping wound.
[417] It says, I had a dream last night that you and I invited Conan to a barbecue.
[418] He showed up and then we ignored him the entire time.
[419] Oh, that is the opposite of sexual.
[420] What an erotic tour to force.
[421] Yeah, wait.
[422] Also, was this Andres that sent this to you, ignored people?
[423] No, okay.
[424] Well, you tell your friend, I'd be impossible to ignore.
[425] Yeah.
[426] Because whatever you guys think of me from afar in person, I'm told I'm incredibly magnetic.
[427] Isn't that right, David?
[428] What?
[429] Go back to sipping your water, David.
[430] Okay.
[431] Anyway, I'm going to get some real backup here next time.
[432] But Effie, tell your friend we said hi, and I hope we see you on down the road.
[433] Okay.
[434] Thank you, Sykes so much.
[435] Bye -bye.
[436] Bye -bye.
[437] Bye -bye.
[438] Bye.
[439] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[440] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[441] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[442] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[443] Supervising producer Aaron Blair Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm engineered by Will Beckton Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[444] This has been a team Coco production in association with Stitcher.