Moses Storm

[0] My name is Moses Storm, and I feel psychotic about being your friend.

[1] I don't know how to take that.

[2] I just mean that it's a dangerous story.

[3] When I tell people how we met and how much you have done for me personally in my life, it's a dangerous thing to say because I think what I have is what stalkers are hoping for.

[4] When they follow Brie Larson to her car.

[5] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[6] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[7] Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[8] I would be Conan O 'Brien.

[9] always looking for a chum I wouldn't say chum enough anymore That's why why it's chill chums I know but it should really It just should come back more than it has I don't think so Okay I'm joined by one of my chums One of my main ombrés Sonom of Sessian All right, hi How's it going?

[10] Hey, you know it's okay What do you got in your mouth?

[11] I had combos It's the pretzels with the cheddar cheese This isn't even an ad You know the cheese in combos?

[12] And I should probably research this before I say anything.

[13] Yeah.

[14] Is that cheese that's in a combo?

[15] I don't think so.

[16] It's Play -Doh.

[17] Okay.

[18] Well, listen.

[19] I want to make sure that legally we're in the clear.

[20] But I just want to get it out there.

[21] I don't know what's in a combo, but I'd like some proof that it was cheese at some point.

[22] I know you want one.

[23] Well, I just want to read what's in it.

[24] This is a combo.

[25] You don't all know what a combo is, ladies and gentlemen.

[26] It's a pretzel.

[27] It looks like a vertebrae.

[28] and then in the center it's a little tub and then in the center as a cheese -like substance You put peanut butter in it?

[29] I'm Matt Gourley, I'm the producer.

[30] Gourley, in the natural order of things, it's Sona, what's inside a combo, and then you introduce Matt Gourley.

[31] That's the natural order of things.

[32] I see, okay.

[33] Inside is, let's see, hydrolyzed wheat gluten, natural flavor coloring yellow five lake, Los Six Lake, Blue One Lake, those are kinds of dyes.

[34] Lake?

[35] Yeah, L -A -K -E.

[36] Lactic acid, citric acid, lactose, sodium, cacinates.

[37] So, yeah, that's cheese.

[38] Oh.

[39] Oh, God.

[40] So good.

[41] This is an award -winning podcast.

[42] Is it?

[43] Is it, though?

[44] We did that.

[45] It is, technically.

[46] I didn't say it was merited.

[47] That's a combo, and you know what?

[48] It's not bad.

[49] We are not getting any money from the makers of combo.

[50] I don't even know who they are.

[51] Stop crinkling the package.

[52] We're trying to...

[53] I'm trying to figure out who makes combos and they might be their own thing.

[54] That's very cool.

[55] Oh, you think it's just a factory somewhere that says combo?

[56] Yes.

[57] No, they've got to be owned by some massive concern.

[58] It doesn't say anything.

[59] Today's guest is frequent...

[60] Hold on a second.

[61] I freaking love combos.

[62] Yeah, hold on a second.

[63] Why are we making this all about combos?

[64] This is how random things are.

[65] Just because you came in here munching on combos...

[66] Yeah.

[67] We're talking about combos.

[68] Yeah, this is...

[69] You can tell.

[70] It's just...

[71] People listening are like, this is too.

[72] funny.

[73] No, it's not funny at all.

[74] It's awful.

[75] This is, what an awful opening.

[76] You're going to have another combo.

[77] I know that.

[78] No, no, no, no. I'm looking at it.

[79] I'm trying to see you're right.

[80] There's, it doesn't say nestly on it.

[81] No, it doesn't.

[82] It doesn't say, uh, yeah.

[83] Freewheeling combos.

[84] Right.

[85] By themselves.

[86] They're autonomous.

[87] Shoot.

[88] It's by the makers of Chevrolet.

[89] Jesus.

[90] Um, I used to eat these a lot when I would get high.

[91] This might be too awful in opening.

[92] I think the opening sucks.

[93] Let's do another one.

[94] Are you being serious?

[95] Sure.

[96] Sure.

[97] Why?

[98] I think the bad ones are also still fun.

[99] I also, I think you're underestimating the popularity of combos.

[100] I think people are going to really love this.

[101] I think you're overestimating the other segments we do on this show that you might compare this to.

[102] Okay.

[103] Well, I maintain this feels terrible to me. Okay.

[104] Now, look, I like combos.

[105] I have nothing against combos.

[106] But all we've done is talk about combos.

[107] And now I feel like I'm in almost a world pool where I keep seeing combo.

[108] I can't stop.

[109] I'm talking about it because you've introduced it.

[110] Listen, I didn't mean to deride that snack and question whether it's real cheese on the inside.

[111] I think that was rash on my part.

[112] Yes.

[113] But I'm certain that's not cheese.

[114] Well, at least we got to the bottom of something.

[115] Is everything you eat real?

[116] Oh, come on.

[117] Come on.

[118] No, it's not.

[119] Well, Sona, I do hope you're eating healthy now that you're a mom.

[120] and you're still, you're breastfeeding.

[121] That's not too personal, isn't it?

[122] It's not, pumped before we started recording.

[123] So whatever you eat goes to the twins.

[124] It does.

[125] So if you're eating a combo and it's filled with lactin gyaphylate number five, die number seven, that's going to your twins, Mikey and Charlie.

[126] Yeah, it is.

[127] And then you wonder, why do they glow at night?

[128] Why are they so easy to see in the fog?

[129] I mean, is everything that I'm going to eat going to be healthy?

[130] It's got to be.

[131] Yes.

[132] You are feeding these lovely little twins.

[133] They're six months old and you're creating the, you're providing the building blocks.

[134] I know, but I can't eat.

[135] I love them, but I can't eat healthy for them.

[136] You eat pretty healthy.

[137] I need a snack every once in a while.

[138] Everyone does.

[139] That's not the problem.

[140] But most of the time, aren't you eating healthy stuff?

[141] I am actually, yeah.

[142] Okay.

[143] I'm, yeah, I'm doing okay.

[144] What's the worst thing you were going to eat today besides the combos?

[145] McDonald's.

[146] Oh, my lord.

[147] Really?

[148] Every once in a while, I, like, need it.

[149] Do you get the shakes?

[150] Again, that would happen when I would get high back in the day, either McDonald's or Taco Bell, and it would be like two in the morning.

[151] I'd be like, I got to get a burger.

[152] Do you remember before the live show, Sona, we had time to kill and you went, I'm going to McDonald's, what do you want?

[153] And you just went on a McDonald's mission.

[154] I did.

[155] I know.

[156] Do you think Taco Bell will ever just come out with an ad that says Taco Bell, it's the best when you're high?

[157] Would they ever do that?

[158] They should.

[159] They should, right?

[160] It is.

[161] Is it?

[162] Once I went to Taco Bell and I was like, I want 50 tacos and they didn't even, they were just like, okay, do you need hot sauce?

[163] I don't know if I've mentioned that.

[164] I feel like I have, but I just.

[165] I've never heard this before.

[166] So, yeah, my friends and I, we were high, we went to the Taco Bell.

[167] We're like, could we have 50 tacos?

[168] And we were like, oh my God, it's going to take hours for them to make it.

[169] They did not at all react.

[170] They were like, sure, no problem.

[171] What kind of hot sauce do you want?

[172] and we're like this high hot sauce whatever and then we got to the window and they handed us a carton made for high people that had 50 tacos in it right so at some corporate level they've accepted that a huge number of the people going to taco bell are high yeah and that they will cater to them they just can't say it in their advertisement yeah it's like those shower massagers that are clearly not for anything other than really massaging you know what i'm saying no i don't know what you're saying what are you know what are you know what if you know what are you know what if you know What have you used your shower massage?

[173] I'm not, I don't have one.

[174] I'm just saying they're sold in like a CVS with the kind of like bulbous end.

[175] And it's like, oh, yeah, relax your muscles in the shower.

[176] But what we really know is going on there is a little.

[177] No, you're talking about.

[178] No idea.

[179] You know what, girl, you probably look at everything like that.

[180] You're like, oh, we all know what those traffic cones are really for.

[181] Well, come on.

[182] The microphones we're talking to.

[183] We know what's really going on here.

[184] You look at everything that way.

[185] Oh, look at that weather stripping.

[186] Oh, boy.

[187] Oh, don't get us started.

[188] Oh, I could have a good time with that.

[189] I don't want a tubing you.

[190] I'm going to say that a iconic actress, I was once having a party at my home.

[191] An iconic actress was there.

[192] I cannot say the name, but an iconic superstar actress was there, and she asked for a quick tour of the house, and I was showing her the house, and then I showed her in my wife's closet, and there was a bunch of shoes on, you know, on like a rack, And she went, oh, with these shoes, I bet you and your wife have a pretty good time with these high heels.

[193] Oh, my God.

[194] To this day, I don't know what she's talking about.

[195] Oh, my God.

[196] I don't know.

[197] Does she mean I'm wearing them and she's wearing, or am I taking the heel of a shoe and shoving it into my?

[198] No. What am I doing?

[199] Stop.

[200] Don't even finish whatever you're about to say.

[201] Well, I don't know what she meant.

[202] She meant she wears them and then she's like sexy time for you.

[203] No, she meant the two of us doing something with the shoes.

[204] And it meant both of us.

[205] And I cannot name the actress.

[206] I just can't.

[207] Can you mouth it?

[208] You will after.

[209] I know.

[210] No, because then you're going to say, oh, he just mouthed Sally Fields.

[211] And we all know.

[212] Is that who it was?

[213] No, it was not.

[214] But I sure had you going there for a second.

[215] It was not, but everything I've told you was true.

[216] Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[217] That actress says how to heel shoved up her vagina, for sure.

[218] For starters.

[219] I'm sorry.

[220] You guys were being subtle.

[221] I'm saying it as a. It is.

[222] It's, that's, is that what you meant?

[223] I don't mean anything.

[224] Gurley's the one that can look at anything and immediately see an erotic adventure.

[225] By the way, can I see one of those combos?

[226] I'm getting turned on.

[227] Yeah, yeah.

[228] Gorley sees a combo when he's like, oh, yeah.

[229] They say it's a pretzel snack with cheese in it, but we all know what it's really for.

[230] I were on a section of the dark web that gives the real purposes for everyday things.

[231] I hear moaning from Gorley's office.

[232] I kick the door down.

[233] He's in there with combos all over his nipples.

[234] It's not even real cheese The rap site came up right as you said that Oh, he wants to wrap it up Guys, guys, guys, guys We have a lot of show today, a lot of show So let's just stick with that mental image Gourley Having explosive orgasms covered In pretzel combos There you go You've gone too far.

[235] Or not far enough All right, well I'm very happy My guest today is a hilarious comedian who has performed stand -up on my show, and he actually toured with me in 2018.

[236] We had a blast performing on the road together.

[237] He was delightfully funny every single night.

[238] His new comedy special, Trash White, is available now on HBO Max.

[239] I am very happy that he's here with us today.

[240] He's a very funny guy, very talented, and a good friend.

[241] Moses Storm, welcome.

[242] Let's preface this by saying, I'm delighted to be your friend because I will just let the crowd in.

[243] I met you a couple of years ago, really at Comic -Con, when you did just terrific, terrific work for me. And then I did a tour with a bunch of stand -ups, young folk, whippersnappers, and you were kind enough to join me on that.

[244] Again, my favorite thing in comedy is when you find people that are really funny in a genuine creative way and have an authentic voice, but they're also very nice people.

[245] And you checked every box and we had a really good time hanging out together.

[246] And then the tour was over.

[247] And I remember I had my lawyer go to you and say, that's it, you don't see Conan again.

[248] Right, but he didn't just come to me. He pulled in front of my car.

[249] Yeah.

[250] Yeah, that's how we do it.

[251] Yeah, and it was pretty hostile.

[252] Yeah, and it's a blacked out, murdered out Hummer.

[253] And it says Conan's lawyer on the side.

[254] And basically, because sometimes I make friends with comics, but then I want them to know and talented people, look, that's it.

[255] It's over now.

[256] You're not to make eye contact with him again.

[257] Yeah, and they're like, what, what was that?

[258] Yeah, yeah.

[259] And you seemed, you were rattled, but you finally could, you know, I was rattled because it was so, it was so tinted.

[260] that the driver he couldn't even see out the windshield.

[261] He had to put his head out because it was double -tinted.

[262] Yeah.

[263] And also, it made me realize I don't really need a lawyer in there.

[264] It just needs to be a Hummer that says Conan's lawyer.

[265] And then the guy can just be intimidating.

[266] But, no, we got along so well.

[267] And, of course, you became one of the favorites you were on my late -night show a bunch.

[268] And then we were very excited because we said, hey, let's produce a comedy special with Moses that you wrote and co -directed.

[269] I mean, you did everything.

[270] I think you built the cameras for it.

[271] Yeah, and it shows.

[272] They are all out of focus.

[273] Yeah, he ground the lenses for it.

[274] And you're special.

[275] And again, I have to say this is I am involved in this special and my team is involved in this special.

[276] It's called Trash White, and it just dropped on HBO Max.

[277] I absolutely love it.

[278] I love the special.

[279] And so I was really glad that some of my favorite things in there and then there's so much in this special that I had not heard before and it's really, really funny and you perform it brilliantly.

[280] But at the same time, it's also completely 100 % true.

[281] It is your life story and it's complicated because I know your life story and I find myself laughing so hard special, but at the same time, what you're talking about is a child being raised in abject poverty, dumpster diving for food, living in a bus, and you talk about it without any self -pity, but you describe so well what it's like to grow up in conditions like that, and you get so many hard laughs, but at the same time, there's a lot of empathy, there's a lot of pathos.

[282] I don't know.

[283] I think it's fantastic And I think it's of the moment Let's get into it Let's talk about What's talk about What it was like for you To tell this story And kill Yeah It's really funny Well one of them you are responsible for I think the video bit From America's Funny Some videos Yeah Was something I wasn't going to put in Or was going to cut Or sometimes documentary footage In a stand -up special feels like you're cheating You're bringing people in.

[284] What you're supposed to do on stage is build intimacy just through the spoken word.

[285] And if you show doc footage, you're kind of cheating.

[286] Yeah, that was something I debated putting in because it's also my siblings' faces and it's my mom's voice and it's at the end of the day, there's something that's painful for me. I've edited stuff that out of that, that is, I don't think my siblings would want out there.

[287] Right.

[288] But I think if you're watching it, you can tell what those things are.

[289] And let me quickly.

[290] Let me quickly explain.

[291] There's a couple of things that are powerful about it.

[292] First of all, you're talking about America's funniest home videos, and you taped this special a couple months ago, and you reference Bob Saggett, who just passed away, shockingly, but you're not referencing him in a mean way at all.

[293] You're just referencing his show.

[294] But what you're doing, and I just want to explain to people, is you're basically showing, you're telling the story of how your mother heard that you could make money if you submitted, you could make $10 ,000 if you won on America's Funniest Home Video.

[295] So she tried to manufacture one using you and your siblings, and you see, I must be 80 takes of her trying to get this thing right.

[296] And the thing is, it is one of the funnier things I've seen, and it's in the special, and you show the different takes and you break down how your mom tried to scam America's Funniest Home Videos.

[297] The thing is, yes, your mom is trying to make money with this scam video, and she's using her children.

[298] It's so double -edged, but at the same time, it is hilarious how you and your brothers and sisters are getting it wrong and screwing up the takes because you don't understand how to flub something on purpose, and you watch this whole thing unfold, and it's kind of brilliant.

[299] It makes me, you know, the first question I'm sure a lot of people ask you is, how's your mom feel about this being shown?

[300] Is she cool with it?

[301] Yeah.

[302] One, yes.

[303] The video was so funny that I knew it had to be in there.

[304] I was nervous about showing it, but I think talking to you on the tour, you're like, no, you have to do that.

[305] You have to do that.

[306] And Lena's that.

[307] So that's why it's in the special.

[308] It take a lot of stock in what you say.

[309] So I was like, okay.

[310] So she aggressively tried to get us on the show to the point where it was a job.

[311] There's other bits that I have on tape that are maybe a little more unsafe.

[312] one where her skirt is attached to a truck and she's holding my younger sister and then the skirt gets ripped off.

[313] Where she's faking another one?

[314] Yeah, yeah.

[315] So a moving car is caught and then, yeah, but you're holding a baby and it's a truck.

[316] But that one seemed a little too heavy.

[317] But yes, that is something I was very worried about is that it's great for me that I can monetize my pain and transmute it into something.

[318] But what I'm doing is I'm bringing people in that did not sign up to be performers.

[319] They don't want a public life.

[320] Sometimes my older brother will call me not saying, like, why are you doing this?

[321] It's like, why are you sometimes sugar -coding things?

[322] Why are you not saying the harder things?

[323] And it's the end of the day, it's like I'm not talented enough yet as a comedian to pull those things off.

[324] Well, let's talk about, because I want to make sure we tell this story correctly, take us back, you're one of how many?

[325] It's a big family.

[326] One of five kids.

[327] Okay.

[328] Very religious parents, and for most of my life, we were in a bus.

[329] They got a bus because they were going to be missionaries for a religion that they helped make up.

[330] Yeah.

[331] I'll say cult, but cult has got this new weighted definition because of Netflix documentaries and podcasts, where everyone is expecting something that has a national trial or successful.

[332] I don't think we ever had an episode two.

[333] Right, right.

[334] Most cult shows They have that episode It's like I was sleeping better We were doing yoga every day And then they turn And then the dread note plays We never even got to that point There's no cliffhanger at all Every Netflix documentary about a cult You see at some point That people are profiting wildly from it Yeah At some point Someone suddenly someone has Wait that's you Moses Yeah A Rolls Royce eventually A Rolls yeah No no but it's the long I call myself Bagwan now And I roll up in a roll It's the long con but the, it's, it sounded very much like your parents helped invent a cult that was completely unprofitable.

[335] Yes.

[336] And, and then you describe this a little bit in special, but the bus they're driving around in, let's be clear, this isn't, this isn't some cute, fun.

[337] Oh, we took a VW bus and we put, we put about $50 ,000 into it.

[338] No, yes.

[339] This is not the bus you're talking about that has like a cool, full, out this and it's for sale on eBay, this is not that bus, right?

[340] This is not the Etsy version of a bus.

[341] It's not loving care.

[342] The first thing they got, so one, this is scary.

[343] The bus was free.

[344] They traded a bunch of junk from the backyard of a house that we were renting, just a bunch of old stuff.

[345] Right.

[346] And when I pressed my mom about it, I was like, what do you mean?

[347] She goes, oh, it was the 90s, so everyone was trading.

[348] What?

[349] Like, that wasn't an answer.

[350] Yeah.

[351] Yeah.

[352] That's how I got my first half.

[353] You trade it.

[354] Yeah, I had three bags of what I said were magic beans.

[355] And I got a house.

[356] And trade it up.

[357] So this guy was trying to get rid of a bus really fast, which is scary.

[358] And yeah, so he was just like, yeah, yeah, take it, take it.

[359] So it's like, what did he do?

[360] And why is the bumper dented?

[361] And then they...

[362] Look, is there a sneaker and blood in the grill?

[363] Is there a little girl's bike in the wheel wheel wheel?

[364] Police tape.

[365] Don't worry about that.

[366] Just tarp it.

[367] Every time you park it, just tarp the bus.

[368] They didn't insulate it, and we were living in Finley, Ohio at the time.

[369] So my parents took the summer to convert the bus.

[370] They just parked it in our driveway, and we were about to be evicted because we couldn't pay rent in the house.

[371] So then there's no tutorial videos, there's nothing you can really look up.

[372] So my dad would just, like, go up to people at a construction site and just, like, chat them up for tips, and it shows it's exactly the kind of thing you could build if you just chat it up someone.

[373] It's, like, not a very good MacGyver, but he has decent people skills, and he's just chatting with people randomly, and so with duct tape and tons of bullshit gets this bus moving.

[374] Gets this bus.

[375] I don't think we ever had fully working plumbing.

[376] The closest we got is we had a toilet that was on a platform.

[377] with no door.

[378] So if you were to do a number two, you had to be on like a little stage almost.

[379] Oh my God.

[380] Which is, by the way, the only way I can go.

[381] We found that out from the tour.

[382] Yeah, I need to gather people around me. I need applause.

[383] Look at me. I need applause at the finish.

[384] That's when I got brought into the inner circle as I had to look at you on a little platform.

[385] Look me in the eye.

[386] And then normally, you say I have something that's called a black tank.

[387] that you, all the extrament goes into and then you dump it at campgrounds.

[388] We didn't have that.

[389] It was essentially just a bin, just like if you went to Target and you just put a bin under there.

[390] Yeah, criminal.

[391] Yeah, it's a crime.

[392] So mostly we would just use campground bathrooms.

[393] But if you had to go, which one night I did, that you had to go in essentially a bin that was on a platform with the illusion of a toilet over it.

[394] My oldest brother, you know, some people would think, that's not true, you can't get a vehicle for free.

[395] My brother Neil proved to me many times, he would go out and then come home with a car that he got for free.

[396] Because people want to get rid of their cars, and he would go there, and the car wouldn't really work, but he knew it just needed a spark plug.

[397] And he'd get it running, and then they would say, just get it out of here.

[398] And one of his ploys would the car, was the car would be selling for $50.

[399] Yeah.

[400] Literally $50 to just get this out of my yard and he would show up.

[401] They would say, all right, just please get it out of here.

[402] Where's your 50?

[403] And my brother, Neil would reach in his pockets to go, oh, my God, I didn't bring.

[404] I forgot.

[405] I forgot to bring the money.

[406] And then they'd say, just get it the fuck out of here.

[407] I don't care.

[408] And my brother Neil would drive this thing home and then do very little to fix it up, practically nothing, and just tool around Boston in it for a while.

[409] I can't believe that worked.

[410] I just like, I don't have the money on me. It's like, go get it.

[411] Well, because they wanted it gone.

[412] And I remember going with him once, and I didn't know that this was his thing.

[413] And the person said, all right, just please just get this piece of shit out of here.

[414] Where's my $40?

[415] And Neil said, I don't have it.

[416] And I was with my brother Neil and I said, well, I've got $40.

[417] Oh.

[418] Oh, you blew the breath.

[419] And my brother, Neil gave me this look.

[420] Like, I'll take care of you later.

[421] So I handed the people to $40 and I said, you can pay me back when we get home.

[422] We got in the car and he's like, I am not paying you back.

[423] Oh, fuck that.

[424] Yeah, I'm on his side.

[425] You blew the grip.

[426] I was such an idiot.

[427] I'm like, $40, well, I've got that.

[428] Yeah.

[429] And in fact, you have, you have $200 in the glove compartment.

[430] They have much more.

[431] Yeah.

[432] Why, this car looks like it's worth a lot more than that.

[433] Wait a minute, that's an old Bugatti.

[434] According to my Kelly Blue Book.

[435] You could get so much more for this.

[436] So, but I never saw the photo, but you did talk on tour about how when you were a child, you looked, or a young teenager, you looked very much like a really cute girl.

[437] Yeah.

[438] And I kind of thought, well, most comics exaggerate.

[439] You put this picture up in the special, and I swear that is a. very kind and nice and good -looking 12 -year -old girl.

[440] And we've all been self -deprecating.

[441] I've, no girl looks more like a girl than the photo you put up.

[442] Yes, that is so fair.

[443] It's insane.

[444] It is insane.

[445] So here's what I couldn't legally say on the special.

[446] That photo shoot was free because at the end of the shoot, the woman that took those photos said, oh my God, the boys are going to go crazy for you.

[447] And I was like, what?

[448] And my mom got furious, like, he's a boy, he's obviously a boy.

[449] You make him do all those poses?

[450] Because there's poses where I'm like, I got, like, you're like, your hand in your hip.

[451] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[452] So she felt so bad.

[453] She was immediately flush red that, that photo shoot.

[454] She's like, I'm so sorry about that.

[455] You know, let's just take these photos.

[456] Just my gift to you, I'm so sorry about that.

[457] And you are a boy, and not even hurt worse, is like how much she had to stop down to take care of me. There's nothing worse than someone going, and by the way, you are a little.

[458] Yeah.

[459] I do believe you now.

[460] Because I was, I was a beautiful girl.

[461] If I could be, you are.

[462] That's the problem.

[463] First of all, you're a very attractive fellow, and I've told you that many times.

[464] You're one of the few men I've met who was born wearing eyeliner.

[465] Yeah.

[466] You're, but as a girl, you are stunning.

[467] Yeah.

[468] Really stunning.

[469] A little heartbreak.

[470] Every time I get nervous, I would lick my lips.

[471] lips too, so my lips were always shiny.

[472] And I'd be at the skate park with my brothers.

[473] Also, whenever you got nervous, you'd put on a plaid skirt.

[474] It's the thing I do when I get nervous.

[475] I'm going to look, glitter under the eyes.

[476] I'm sorry, the nerves, it curbs and nerves.

[477] Yeah.

[478] So I'd be at the skate park and I would do a trick, and people would be like, yeah, girl skater, let's go.

[479] Oh, man. Which starts because it's a compliment, but it's like, but no, I got asked out one, because I guess Moses Storm is an insane enough name where it's not like I'm Brad where someone I guess could if you look like that and your name's a little unusual then it's possible you're a girl like ultimate father I guess it doesn't scream masculinity to me yeah and Matt there's a lot of people out there who don't read the Old Testament and don't watch the Ten Commandments okay well I'm reading it now sorry go on I know I know I could see you we're on Zoom but yeah I could see people people thinking, oh, that's some cool name.

[480] Yeah.

[481] I also, someone who was given a strange name, and I feel, or an unusual name you didn't hear, Moses Storm does sound made up.

[482] Yeah, it's too many unusuals.

[483] I think a good name is like Conan O 'Brien because the last name is very common.

[484] Right.

[485] So I think two unusual names together, it's a double negative where it's just like, oh, this is bullshit.

[486] This is the guy who's about to do, I was in San Francisco.

[487] And when you're not famous, they put your photo outside the marquee and your name and I was just walking in for the night and I overheard this couple that was just like looking for something to do.

[488] Let's see what's happening at the comedy club.

[489] And the girl, she's a little drunk piece.

[490] She's like, what is a Moses storm?

[491] And then her boyfriend with a hundred percent confidence.

[492] He goes, yeah, I know him.

[493] I don't think I'm in the mood to see magic tonight.

[494] The perfect delivery of just honest drunk people and I don't think they put two and two together but they did turn around and I was just right there right wearing the same shirt from the photo and a magician's hat and a magician's hat that's on me that doesn't help my case I was like I don't want to see him and you turn around and now you see me it does sound like a drink too it does sound like a very I'll have a moseous storm you know it's uh Dana Carvey does a bit where he's Johnny Carson who's being had been pulled over for your nipple yeah exactly and it's like sure I was at the I was at the rusty scumper having a slippery monkey, you know, and it's so, but a Moses storm.

[495] Yeah.

[496] Sounds like something like I'll have a gin and tonic.

[497] And for the lady, she'll have the Moses storm.

[498] It does sound like a drink.

[499] Yeah.

[500] It's like Hennessy with a splash of milk for the storm.

[501] Yeah.

[502] The stomach turner.

[503] Yeah, you immediately have to lay down.

[504] Just the top of a pineapple, not even the edible part.

[505] The part that hurts that you have to swallow it the wrong.

[506] You know, it's funny, because you talk to in the special, which is something I didn't realize is you talk about dyslexia, how you grow up in this incredibly impoverished situation where you're telling, where you're the lookout while your family dumpster dives for food.

[507] And you tell this hilarious swimming pool story.

[508] I mean, some of these stories are, you'd think this can't be true, but they are all completely true.

[509] You also talk about dyslexia, and I had this realization, which is at the end of the tour, I had this guitar that I just fudst around with backstage and didn't really use it on stage at all.

[510] It was just for backstage to keep my fingers busy.

[511] And at the end of the tour, I asked all of you guys to...

[512] Oh, no. No, it's really interesting.

[513] I asked all the comments, to sign it, all the men and women who had been on the tour to sign it, and so everybody signed it, and I think you were one of the last people, and I handed it to you, and everyone else just sort of signed it in front of me, and you spent a long time sort of thinking about it, and, you know, I knew you would talk to me about how you struggled with dyslexia.

[514] Yeah, I was just, I honestly had to pit my son, I thought I had misspelled something on your, that was my first thought when you brought that up.

[515] Only Conan.

[516] Yeah, you know, I didn't know that was a K. Everything else was like this perfect, I can't thank you enough for this wonderful opportunity.

[517] Everything is, like, beautiful and the handwriting is beautiful.

[518] But yeah, K -U -N.

[519] K -U -N.

[520] How many ampersands are in your name?

[521] And then there's no. But I remember, like, when MySpace first came out or Facebook came out, I would be messaging girls and then reading it back.

[522] And it's just all, if you get an email from me, now it's gotten better with software.

[523] But it's like English is probably my third or fourth language.

[524] Right.

[525] It is, how are you in doing of good?

[526] It's, yeah, you just can't see it because I'm dyslexic and discraphic.

[527] And there's a lot of programs that help people out.

[528] What is discraphic?

[529] Disgraphic is the order of things.

[530] Okay.

[531] So even if you were to write down a math problem, you could get that wrong.

[532] Because it's the way that if you told me numbers right now and I went to write it down, it's the disconnect between my brain and the physical part of writing.

[533] it down.

[534] Right.

[535] That could be corrected in school, but when I say I was homeschooled, we weren't, that's generous.

[536] We weren't even school.

[537] There was no school.

[538] There was no real curriculum.

[539] Even when I got those homeschool tapes, it was just an excuse to record your show, which also sounds like a lie.

[540] But that's what that was.

[541] You actually, you proved that.

[542] You showed that to me, which is you had homeschool tapes that were supposed to be.

[543] There's a heavy Christian slant.

[544] They do science with a real wink and like, oh, we got it.

[545] It's such the most begrudging science you've ever heard in your life.

[546] The photos of this is like, yes, this is a theory.

[547] It's taught, like, how they talk about QAnon and CNN and CNN.

[548] So this is what they believe.

[549] So they believe the earth revolves around the sun.

[550] Coo -coo, co -coo.

[551] But so no school, I think my old, two older siblings, there was maybe a little effort that went into.

[552] My mom would, like, put down a textbook, and say, like, hey, do that.

[553] But by the time you get five kids in, no, there was no incentive.

[554] And the whole purpose of the religion is, like, God's going to end the world in 46 minutes.

[555] So why would you learn what a jarrant phrase is?

[556] What's the point?

[557] It's all over.

[558] So, yes, eventually I was able to convince my mom to get us tapes, which is a homeschool program that's run out of Pensacola, Florida.

[559] That's Christian.

[560] And I did that so I could get a TV and VCR.

[561] in my room and record your show.

[562] Yeah, and you actually showed me, I guess they busted you, right?

[563] Oh, yeah.

[564] Oh, yeah, because I'm a child, so I don't think about the whole repercussions of recording over the tapes.

[565] In my head, it's just like this giant company.

[566] So what I would do is when your show would come on, because we had a signal, no cable, put a tape in, and press record and turn the TV off and just hope that I didn't mess it up.

[567] And sometimes I did.

[568] It would just be like, Jay Leno would be like, all right, that's Bush.

[569] And then it would cut out.

[570] And I would just, oh.

[571] And then.

[572] He actually was doing that for the Pensacola homeschool weeks.

[573] It's $30.

[574] There's $30 in it.

[575] So like, you know, hey, hello, man. I'm like, yeah.

[576] So anyway, they say the earth revolves around the fun.

[577] We all know that to work.

[578] Wait, that's my new favorite camera is Q &ON, Jay Leno.

[579] Yeah.

[580] Hey, I made a book.

[581] You know, celebrity, beating baby.

[582] So then when it was a very hostile experience watching your show, because when I would watch it back, I would be hovering over the TV, never laying down and watching it.

[583] At a moment's notice, because I shared a room with my two brothers, or hole and bus.

[584] And so anytime they came in, I would have to change it really fast and turn it off.

[585] Like, oh, that tape just ended.

[586] So anytime I'd watch your show, being a full crouch over just hovering at a moment's known as ready to turn it off.

[587] So every second meant so much.

[588] But she showed me one.

[589] It was really funny because it's this woman and she's teaching a class, you know, and all of a sudden you see, and then it's me and I think, you know, I don't know, 1997.

[590] Yeah.

[591] Yeah, I think the bit was that it cut out was Lincoln.

[592] It was like, yeah, Dominatrix, Lincoln, but yeah.

[593] So, yeah, the woman's teaching her begrudging science class.

[594] And she was very impressed by herself.

[595] That was another funny thing that was on the tape is that she, anytime she would do a very gentle science experiment, I'd just make vapor in her room.

[596] She would always give a face, like, did it.

[597] Nailed it.

[598] Nailed it.

[599] And then.

[600] I just dropped Alka -Seltzer into water, into water, and look what I did.

[601] Yeah, like it was witchcraft.

[602] those tapes would cut out and so I sent the tapes back it's a subscription model they said you taped and it was just your show and you've got me doing Dominatrix Lincoln cut into this tape so there's people that's like your show meant a lot to me you are in my head all of TV Bob Sagitts was the richest person in the world in my head as a kid he was just passing out 10 grand that was our ticket out and then you were show business.

[603] Everything I found out about movies, references I know today was through your lens.

[604] Oh, wow.

[605] This really is an impoverished childhood.

[606] Who knows the true meaning of poverty.

[607] Poverty means you learn everything from Conan's show.

[608] You know, it's funny because you have one of the slogans that you bring up, and again, the special explains it all really well.

[609] But you talk in your story.

[610] special about how crazy beats scary.

[611] I'm sort of paraphrasing it a little bit.

[612] No, but that is, that's fair.

[613] And in a real way, did come around to forgiveness just in setting up the show.

[614] I think, one, I can't watch the special.

[615] I can't watch any early stuff because it just seems like someone that's very angry still, lashing out.

[616] But in setting up a full one -hour show, when you gave me that opportunity, I think it was 2019, from there, just having to write full characters where it's, not just a villain that's being a dick in a vacuum for no reason.

[617] And you start to write and so I started right towards my mom trying to dig of why these things happened.

[618] And then inadvertently came around to absolute forgiveness.

[619] Where I was like, oh yeah, okay, I get what she was going through as I make my own mistakes as an adult.

[620] That's not saying that what she did was right or anyone should do that or that was okay.

[621] But it is genuine forgiveness came from selfishly just trying to make a full show.

[622] So that was, that was huge.

[623] To answer your first question about how she felt about it, I was worried about that.

[624] So what I did, because I edited the special, I had control the footage, is I did a personal screening for her because I don't want you to be embarrassed ever.

[625] And you, because you feel like the whole world's seeing it and you have no control.

[626] So before it ever aired, I was very busy, but took a day out to just go see her.

[627] and explained what this meant to me, what this story's about, and then screened it for just her.

[628] And?

[629] And she loved it.

[630] She loved it.

[631] Yeah, it was vindication for her.

[632] Because it's not someone that's angry.

[633] And that took just age.

[634] That took talking to you in Denver.

[635] I don't know if you remember.

[636] We had a very important conversation that changed a good portion of my life about just self -worth and selling myself short on stage as a defense mechanism.

[637] Right.

[638] to be like, I'll make fun of me before you could ever make fun of me that way.

[639] If you don't like me, I'm smarter than you because I already said that I'm a piece of shit.

[640] That was my defense mechanism for a long time, which is I'll get out in front of everybody and make fun of me before you get a chance to, which is one of the oldest tricks in the book.

[641] And then you get really good at it and it works.

[642] And that becomes problematic because if you get really good at it and people like it and you realize you're completely selling yourself short and eventually, kind of just lying about yourself.

[643] I have never been more embarrassed and more exposed than that show.

[644] So we were doing a show in Denver and it was a huge crowd.

[645] And so when I come out, I think the opening line that gets a laugh is, oh, I'm the comedian that you go to the bathroom during.

[646] No one knows who I am.

[647] We say Ron Funches, Taylor Thomas, these people had specials out.

[648] I was completely unknown, at least to my mind.

[649] And it gets a laugh.

[650] But you saw what was behind.

[651] that of oh I know what you're doing it's a defense thing and I would have never I would have never changed that behavior unless you said that because it still gets a laugh so it's like you keep it and I'm protecting myself it's like the eight mile thing of like he would make fun of himself so by the time it was the other guys turned to rap battle they had nothing to say about him and you did rap battle me backstage was I did awkward I kept wanting to challenge everyone on tour to a rap battle yeah and it was a mistake yeah because my whole style is very early 80s.

[652] I'm Conan O 'Brien, and I'm here to say.

[653] I'm the best rapper in the USA.

[654] And then usually it trails out right after that.

[655] Yeah, we'd keep the cadence, but it wouldn't rhyme.

[656] You really struggled what rhymes with models.

[657] Yeah.

[658] And we were like, it's bottles, it's bottles.

[659] I struggled with that.

[660] And I bought what I thought was a Kangol cap, but it was just a small sailor's cap.

[661] And that also hurt.

[662] That hurt.

[663] So I learned eventually stop.

[664] challenging people to rap panels.

[665] But that was the first I think that might have been the first real conversation I had with you because I don't know you probably have people like this in your life if you grow up watching someone and you are the only one I think it also secretly record the O .C. Because they did sex on the show and I was like ooh, my chemicals.

[666] And I wasn't getting sex from your show.

[667] So what do you talk about?

[668] My show was liquid sex growling at Heather Graham.

[669] I'm like, Even as a homeschool of a religious kid, I was like, that's lame.

[670] Yeah, so you have these people in your head that are just TV people.

[671] They carry so much weight in your head.

[672] So even doing that rooftop show, maybe it was sun poisoning, being at the top of that roof, but I couldn't hear my own voice.

[673] It was just like shell shock, like the scene in Saving Private Ryan where he stands up and he's just looking around, it's chaos.

[674] you meant so much to me in my life I went up on that roof and I was on that roof for 20 minutes I had to be taken to the hospital immediately because I burst into flames I don't know you guys were up there the whole time I think it was illegal for us to put you on that roof oh yeah there was so many soft spots on that roof there's so many things that Dave it was like stepping out a loaf of bread but we were told initially that you might it's possible Don't get your hopes up.

[675] It's the pre -show.

[676] He's got a lot to do.

[677] It's possible he might come up for two minutes just to solidify like, hey, my name's on this thing, and you guys are going to keep throwing to clips.

[678] But we were blown away, and I had so much trouble sleeping that each night you was just so excited because you would stay up there for 20 minutes.

[679] It was fun.

[680] But, you know, you've worked your ass off for years.

[681] You've worked really hard.

[682] You're very talented, but I've always said to people, talent is less interesting to me. There's plenty of people that have talent.

[683] It's what do you do with it?

[684] And you have worked very hard and your person, a real character.

[685] And so you have made this happen, and then you've told your story.

[686] And I think what you're reacting to right now is one of the most magical things in life is talking about something that was painful for you and a room full of people, it brings up a roomful of people a lot of joy, and they laugh and they applaud, and you feel better.

[687] and then someone hands you a check, you're like, what the, how does, what is this?

[688] What is this?

[689] Yeah.

[690] This was never, I mean, this wasn't even really the plan.

[691] I don't know, this, I had to do this.

[692] This is a, I think a lot of people didn't realize it, most people who do comedy, it's a compulsion, they have to do it.

[693] Yeah.

[694] Oh, yeah.

[695] No, in my head, I would work at, I was like, I kind of like the industry, so I'd probably be a PA, and be an office PA, and then at night I would do stand -up, or if it was Taco Bell, and I would do stand -up at night, night, but the plan was never like, this is what I'm going to monetize.

[696] This is going to be a job.

[697] And so the whole special is trying to get to that point, and the whole special is supposed to be a grift, meaning the true way to show of forgiveness to my mom is not just say, I forgive you.

[698] It's like, oh, I'm going to use all the tools that you used and essentially grift people into connected with the special.

[699] I say it's not a TED talk.

[700] And in the very next sentence, pull out a PowerPoint remote and start to, you know, talking about essentially what would be in a TED talk.

[701] And that's something I learned from her.

[702] You say the grift before you do it.

[703] So we would call into radio stations around the holidays and lie and say that our house burned down so we could get gifts.

[704] Oh, my God.

[705] I know.

[706] So she would say that.

[707] She's like, I know a lot of people take advantage of you on these shows.

[708] And it's not the truth.

[709] I just want to say that we just support your show and you've gotten this through a really tough time.

[710] Because the house just burned down.

[711] And, yeah, so that's something they learned from her.

[712] So all the tools in here and just how crafty she is with people, how charming and that go -getter attitude.

[713] All the set is trash from the streets of Los Angeles.

[714] That's how we survived is we would go through people's garbage for stuff.

[715] And, yeah, it was insane how much I used of her.

[716] Of, like, well, thank you for these tools.

[717] Yeah, yeah.

[718] Yeah.

[719] Well, I think one of the things that really comes through is how cathartic it is, how this is a labor of love.

[720] And it's so funny, there are so many stories from your romantic misadventures and from, you know, all kinds of stuff.

[721] It's not that, but I can tell that it's healing.

[722] It's, to me, that's the ultimate magic of comedy is that every now and then it's healing.

[723] the people who are hearing it, but it's also healing the person who's performing it.

[724] Everybody wins.

[725] It's one of the few times in nature.

[726] Yeah.

[727] Like, everything in physics, nature always tells you, like, something has to lose, you know, for energy to be over here, you have to lose energy over there.

[728] And I think the one thing that just proves that, to me, the one exception in nature is when someone's getting real joy at a performing comedy and making other people laugh, too.

[729] Do you think there's any danger to that, though?

[730] like a healthy way.

[731] I think the lockdown was very hard and that I didn't have that outlet.

[732] Right.

[733] I do get scared sometimes that if that went away, I wouldn't.

[734] I feel like it's payment for the past.

[735] Like all those things happened because I was able to transmute it into this.

[736] Right, right.

[737] But I, yeah, I can't help but have it in the back of my mind of wondering if that is, in fact, actually a healthy thing.

[738] I would leave that to people listening because I have the worst perspective on it.

[739] And I do know, know that I've been in a funk lately, and it's because I'm between projects.

[740] I mean, someone the other day, I was talking to Paula Davis, who has been with me for 28 years, I was talking to her yesterday, and she said, how are you doing?

[741] Because I've been talking to her lately.

[742] And I said, yeah, I'm still in a funk.

[743] And she said, you know, you haven't been in front of an audience in a long time.

[744] And you were in front of audiences every day, five days a week for 28 years.

[745] And now you're not.

[746] And I went, oh, Yeah.

[747] I didn't realize.

[748] And I'm, you know, people sometimes misunderstand and think I'm a smart person.

[749] And in many ways, I'm not a smart.

[750] I will miss the most obvious thing in the world.

[751] And I just, I thought, yeah, I got to cope between COVID and between my particular situation of being, you know, between gigs that involve an audience.

[752] Yeah.

[753] Uh, it is, that's probably something that was helping me a lot.

[754] Um, that was medicine for me, was to get out in front of people.

[755] And even before the show started, if I was just screwing around with the audience or in the commercial break, screwing around at the audience, that was just, yeah, a salve.

[756] And, uh, it's a reset.

[757] You could do it with the flu because you, yeah, you instantly feel better.

[758] I mean, much to Kuntu's ire, I was doing shows even in the lockdown just because I knew I needed that.

[759] Yeah.

[760] To survive.

[761] Even back.

[762] situations where you're doing an outdoor show for cars.

[763] You're performing for a bunch of Kia Sorrentos.

[764] Even that was just like that feeling is a reset and it makes everything else that feels so unbearable sometimes just a little bit tolerable.

[765] I have to talk to so many comedians that during lockdown performed for drive -in shows where people and they said the audience would flash their lights and hit their horns instead of applause.

[766] Yeah.

[767] And I thought that is so bizarre, but I would, and I did not have that experience.

[768] I was doing shows over Zoom.

[769] But I was thinking, wow, I could see that almost feeling as good that, you know, that a car horn is going off.

[770] I did a lot of them.

[771] It's something, yeah.

[772] And I could say no, because you've only heard the honk in the context of fuck you idiot move.

[773] Yeah, oh, I see.

[774] And it's hard to reprogram your brain to say a warning sound.

[775] It's like, oh, you know what I get off on.

[776] I can't come unless I hear an amber alert.

[777] You can't put that warning sound.

[778] Jesus Christ Oh, man. Oh, man. But, uh, it never felt the same.

[779] You're never going to, yeah, you can't, you can't, you can't replace the joyous sound of laughter with the sound that you associate with.

[780] I just took a left on red.

[781] Yeah.

[782] And almost killed somebody.

[783] And, um, now I'm going to reprogram my brain.

[784] Because it's such a conscious choice and laughter is supposed to be the spontaneous thing.

[785] Right.

[786] Oh, you trick the chemicals in this person's brain and you surprise them.

[787] So they go, he, ha -ha.

[788] And the honk is too.

[789] I don't know.

[790] It's too formal.

[791] Well, I loved your special, and it's funny.

[792] I feel like either a much, much, much older brother or a pseudo -dad figure or something.

[793] But I take a lot of pride in you as a person and an artist, and Trash White is on HBO Max right now.

[794] And as you say, the response has been really tremendous.

[795] And I like it.

[796] My favorite story is Nice Thing Happens to Not.

[797] nice person who deserves it.

[798] And so, thank you for being a really good friend and for letting me be associated with you.

[799] Because, yeah, I mean, I would say, I think you're doing, you're doing me more good than I'm doing you.

[800] Everything you said, I take as fact.

[801] I mean, you, uh, I would say a father figure in my life, which is, uh, I find that hard to admit.

[802] Can we go with older brother?

[803] I think grandpa.

[804] No, older brother.

[805] It's not that.

[806] No, I'm just a brother that.

[807] I'm, no, no, No, I'm a brother that just happens to be 55 years older than you.

[808] Yeah, but different marriage.

[809] No, no, no, that's the sick thing.

[810] Same, same.

[811] Big gap in her life.

[812] You were born when mom was 78 through a series of weird experiments.

[813] But when I think about all the times that I got lucky, a lot of them had to do with you.

[814] And even when I was a kid and we were going through the worst shit that I can't even say on that special watching your show and how much work you put into that and your humor, it made it a lot easier.

[815] So thank you for that.

[816] We both win, and thank you, Moses.

[817] And I look forward to hanging out with you probably sometime in the next three days.

[818] Yeah.

[819] You're not going to be.

[820] No, no, no, absolutely.

[821] Yeah, we're circling different projects, but yeah.

[822] No, no, I'm going to show up.

[823] Okay.

[824] All right.

[825] I'm going to show it when you guys least want to see me. I tend to do that.

[826] I do have Christmas presents to you guys that are related to the show.

[827] What?

[828] What do you mean?

[829] Yeah, hold on one second.

[830] Let me drop them off.

[831] Oh, okay.

[832] Should we talk while Sam is getting these?

[833] Our engineer, Sam, just alerted us that he had presents for us.

[834] By the way, when this airs, it'll probably be mid to late January.

[835] Yes, they're from me. Matt, I will mail you yours.

[836] I got an ad.

[837] around Christmas time from a store and Etsy that I'd used before and the email made me laugh so hard.

[838] It said, do you have a beautiful name?

[839] Have it engraved on an ornament, which made me laugh because it implied I would have my own name made on an ornament, like a psychopath.

[840] It didn't say like, does a love one have a beautiful name?

[841] So it made me laugh.

[842] And then I thought of the most beautiful name I could think of, and I had these made.

[843] Merry Christmas, guys.

[844] Hey.

[845] Oh, that's so nice.

[846] Katakai.

[847] Oh, look at that.

[848] That's beautiful.

[849] I think you're supposed to be baby names.

[850] Oh, that's nice.

[851] Beautiful.

[852] Catechai.

[853] Well, I haven't mentioned this, but we named our daughter Catechai.

[854] Catechai.

[855] As you made her?

[856] Catechai, as God made her.

[857] This is so cool.

[858] It's really cool.

[859] Catechai.

[860] Thank you, Sam.

[861] That's really pretty.

[862] Sorry, it's mid -January.

[863] Yeah.

[864] I know.

[865] I still, I have.

[866] And for crinkling on air.

[867] You know what?

[868] There's no, there's really no reason why a Christmas gift needs to be given at Christmas.

[869] Harmonian Christmas.

[870] Even Armenian Christmas?

[871] When is Armenian Christmas?

[872] It was January 6th.

[873] Yeah.

[874] Is that just why?

[875] Are they just being difficult?

[876] It's the Orthodox Christmas.

[877] What do you mean?

[878] Are we just being difficult?

[879] Just how hard is it to move it to the 25th?

[880] A lot of people celebrated on January 6th.

[881] You can't say, oh, are you, there's an entire culture celebrate on a different day just to be difficult?

[882] No. I realize that could come across as insensitive.

[883] Yeah, you think?

[884] I just think how hard would it be to just slide it?

[885] It's a couple of days.

[886] Not us.

[887] We do it on the 26th.

[888] Why can't you push it to January 6th?

[889] Because everyone does it on the 25th.

[890] Yeah, but just push it.

[891] I'm the Irish.

[892] The Irish like to have it on March 9th.

[893] And we, the tree has to be upside down.

[894] And it has to be shooting Guinness out at the bottom of it.

[895] Yeah.

[896] Well, this is a good time to say Merry Christmas, you two.

[897] Oh, for God's sake.

[898] It's, what is it now?

[899] It's late January.

[900] No. We're not.

[901] You know, I do, I work so hard to make this an evergreen show to not have a day -specific.

[902] Excuse me?

[903] What'd you say?

[904] Like a Christmas tree?

[905] Evergreen.

[906] God.

[907] I like these to be always fresh.

[908] People can hear them at any time.

[909] Why can't people hear them and be like, oh, they recorded this around Christmas?

[910] Because we didn't.

[911] That's okay.

[912] I want it to constantly be a mystery.

[913] I want my movements and motions to be a mystery.

[914] Come on.

[915] I want people to never know where I am.

[916] I'm like Saddam Hussein.

[917] I've got doubles out there, triples.

[918] I want people to never know what's Conan up to.

[919] I don't like it when we're specific about when we're recording or where we're recording.

[920] You're the most easily recognizable person, I know.

[921] Yeah, also it's 134 on January 11th.

[922] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[923] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[924] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at your...

[925] Earwolf.

[926] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[927] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[928] Take it away, Jimmy.

[929] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[930] Engineering by Will Beckton.

[931] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[932] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[933] Got a question for Conan?

[934] Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[935] It too could be featured.

[936] on a future episode.

[937] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[938] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.