10 Tips for Kids Ages 2-7

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[24] So do you have a child between the age of 2 to 7?

[25] who struggles with listening.

[26] Okay, let me rephrase that.

[27] They don't struggle with listening.

[28] They just plain don't listen to you.

[29] Maybe they're very volatile like our son was and they get very, very frustrating and have these awful tantrums and meltdowns and maybe they throw things.

[30] Or if they're in preschool, they bite other kids.

[31] If you have one of those kids, I can tell you a couple things.

[32] One is you have a very, very, very bright child because that's usually what happens is they're very bright very frustrated because they don't like other people telling them what to do.

[33] And what they learned very early in life is, if I bite another child or student, now I've got everybody's attention and I've got their brain intensity and I'm kind of in control of things.

[34] And so these kids, we used to call them like little chomper's because they just go and bite another child.

[35] It's awesome.

[36] So we'll help you with that.

[37] I didn't mean it's awesome that way.

[38] But I love those kids.

[39] Maybe you spend your entire day saying, no, no, no, stop that.

[40] Get down from there.

[41] Don't touch that.

[42] Stop.

[43] Honey, please stop.

[44] And then you threaten to put them in the famous timeout chair, which they'll never sit in for very long, and it doesn't really work.

[45] So if that is you, welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[46] My name is Kirk Martin.

[47] I'm founder of Celebrate Calm.

[48] You can find us at CelebrateCalm .com.

[49] If you want to reach out to us and need help with anything, email Casey.

[50] That's our son who was a very challenging toddler in 2 to 7 and he was kind of challenging 12 to 17 but it was much better by then because I had changed but you reach out to him his name is Casey C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com so this is going to be specifically for younger kids and I hope if you find it helpful you will share with moms and dads and teachers of younger kids with mops groups preschool teachers because a lot of this is coming out of last week we did a training session for preschool in Michigan and then I just did a phone consultation with a mom and dad that have a four and a seven -year -old one of the children is compliant that was the first one born so they got they got spoiled and then the strong -willed daughter came along and they're like oh we thought we were such great parents and then the strong -willed child comes along and it's hard.

[51] So here are a few things that I wanted to go through for you.

[52] Number one, set proper expectations.

[53] The job description of a preschooler of a child two to seven is this.

[54] They are not supposed to be productive or efficient.

[55] They're not.

[56] Their job is to explore and to make messes and to follow their curiosity.

[57] And I don't want you to snuff that out in the name of obedience.

[58] their job is to crawl and get into things and explore and do science experiments and make messes let them do it encourage them to do it you're going to run head on into your own control issues and if you struggle with perfectionism if you need everything to be just so then you're going to find out that's your issue and this child is going to help you find that out very very quickly in the mornings you may have like a long list for your child to do make your bed, feed the rabbit, brush your hair, brush your teeth, all of these things.

[59] I would simplify the list at first.

[60] I would maybe start with three things for them to do.

[61] Maybe make a song out of those three things that your child has to do because many of your kids don't respond well to verbal commands.

[62] Some of them need it written down.

[63] They need visuals, not just a list, because most of you will have like a list, a chore chart, and a list, but some of your kids, it gets confusing in their brains.

[64] So I make pictures, visual pictures on a whiteboard of what they need to do in the morning.

[65] Okay?

[66] Let's get a success early on.

[67] Because otherwise, you know what it feels like?

[68] It's a test.

[69] First thing in the morning, I have to do all these things that I don't want to do and that I'm not necessarily good at doing.

[70] And then my mom and my dad are on me, on me, on me, never good enough and it just doesn't start the day off in a great way so there there look there's plenty of time left in their lives to just check off the boxes and do what needs to be done and many of you are not that happy in life because that's what you've been doing your entire life is just checking the boxes so they're little let's make some themes out of the morning routine let's make it fun.

[71] Let's get them up and hide their food, their breakfast in the backyard, in the basement.

[72] Little kids love treasure hunts.

[73] It is a great way to start the day because you get your child moving, you get blood flow to the brain, you're getting some sensory needs met, and you're creating a success, and they're actually following directions by having to problem solve and find something that you hid somewhere in the backyard or the basement or wherever you want, right, on your roof.

[74] It doesn't matter to me, right?

[75] Just hide something.

[76] Food's awesome to hide because your kids will want to eat it outside.

[77] So remember these tools?

[78] We want to give kids tools so that we create successes and then we want to affirm those positives with intensity because watch what we typically do.

[79] We just tell kids what to do all day long.

[80] We don't really show them how, right?

[81] And then when they don't do it well, we give them consequences.

[82] And we give most of our energy to the times when they're not doing things well.

[83] And that is setting them up for failure and it is setting your kids up to shut down and to not have a trusting relationship with you.

[84] And it won't work.

[85] It will be endless consequences and your child will feel like he or she is a bad child.

[86] I don't want to go there.

[87] So instead, I want to give tools, create successes, and affirm the positives with intensity.

[88] Look, some of your kids like to help.

[89] They like maybe to cook, right?

[90] They like many of your little kids.

[91] They like doing grown -up things better than they do kid things.

[92] So start to use that to your advantage.

[93] Most of your kids are not going to listen to you the first time you say it.

[94] Their brains are so excited to see and touch and explore new things and you want that.

[95] So please relax thinking that your child, is just to put so it's to be some of a obedient little robot that's not how it works these kids make things a challenge to stimulate their brains right give them a time limit do the task backwards or blindfolded or to music because music has rhythm which creates a rhythm in the brain and actually helps them work better and remember things and move it's like whistle while you work there was a reason we do that, right?

[96] You can do a thing like, hey, put your shoes on before your favorite Bob the Builder song is over, right?

[97] And you know when they're little, they're going to listen to the same songs literally 4 ,000 times, but use music sometimes.

[98] Hey, bet you can't do this.

[99] As soon as you make it a challenge, sometimes it wakes up the brain and helps them focus it.

[100] Big principle.

[101] Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate, right?

[102] Hey, jumping on a sofa?

[103] I'm not happening in my home.

[104] But I really need your help stirring the soup, walking the dog.

[105] Right?

[106] Say no to the inappropriate, yes to something appropriate.

[107] I want to spend more of my time saying yes to things they can do.

[108] then know to things they cannot do, right?

[109] Remember, we get them to stop doing things by actually giving them activities that focus their brain of things they can do, right?

[110] Hey, you know what?

[111] You're really good at doing X. Could you help me with that?

[112] See, that's much better than, you know what?

[113] How many times do I have to tell you, stop doing that?

[114] Sarah, if you do that again, I'm going to put you in the timeout chair and you're not going to sit there and then we're going to get in a big fight and everybody's going to be upset, right?

[115] I want to stop that.

[116] So toddlers respond a lot to energy.

[117] So controlling yours is extremely important.

[118] When you say no, use an even matter -of -fact tone with no emotion.

[119] Very few words.

[120] Don't explain things.

[121] Stop moms.

[122] Stop trying to convince your kids and explain everything.

[123] They're not looking for an explanation.

[124] They're never going to say, mom, I didn't really want to do that.

[125] But after you just spend another five minutes, 15 minutes explaining and trying to convince me, all of a sudden the light bulb went off and I realized that you're brilliant and I want to do what you want me to do.

[126] That's not going to happen.

[127] Okay.

[128] So when I discipline, it's with no emotion.

[129] There's no, that's not happening in our home.

[130] Nope.

[131] It's not the way I roll.

[132] No. But I give emotion and enthusiasm to leading them, to transitioning to what they can do.

[133] Right?

[134] Here's another one kind of related.

[135] Some of you have kids who are run out in front of traffic or in a parking lot.

[136] And so it's like, what do I say?

[137] And so you end up screaming.

[138] And look, there's nothing wrong with screaming in order to save your child's life, okay?

[139] But instead of always just saying, stop near the roads, get the child focused on what they can do.

[140] Have a game that you play as they walk down the sidewalk of what they can focus on accomplishing because you want to get that brain, you want to paint pictures, in their brains and say things like, hey, right now, our legs are going to move like molasses.

[141] See, if you're a little kid just hearing like, slow down, honey, you need to stop walking now, well, I'm pretty much going to start walking faster.

[142] But if you make it fun and say, look, our legs have to move like molasses, well, now that's kind of a challenge and that's fun.

[143] And it's a simple change in communication and your energy.

[144] in school right same thing i want to give these kids a job if i have a younger child in my classroom the first thing i'm doing as soon as they walk in i'm giving them a job to do something they're good at doing something i need to help with and i will i'll just be blunt with this your child strong -willed child if you have a strong -willed young child they're probably going to struggle in preschool and kindergarten first grade and you're going to get calls from the school your daughter isn't paying attention she's not following direction she just wanders around your son cannot sit still in circle time and you're going to get a little bit freaked out of like uh oh what does this mean for the future how is this child going to ever keep a job how who's going to marry them right and all this anxiety dumps on the child over something that isn't even wrong because the truth is no do i want a young child jumping on tables and running around and doing whatever they want?

[145] No. But within my boundaries, I'm going to relax a little bit because, watch, this is really, really important.

[146] I don't want you to get freaked out because your child is just doing what he or she is supposed to be doing at that age, which is explore and be curious.

[147] So instead of shutting the that down and crushing the child's spirit, I'm going to give them missions to be my helper, jobs to do, challenges, lots of positive intensity when they do things well, instead of nitpicking everything they don't do well.

[148] And I'll give you a warning here, right?

[149] This age is when your child is very susceptible to having their little, their spirits, their souls that are getting formed, their self -identity of how they feel about themselves is getting formed during this time and it often gets crushed.

[150] And you know what's, look, if I'm a little kid, all I know is I wake up in the morning and everything's new and I see new things and I want to touch it and I want to explore and I want to do things and I want to fail and I want to touch the hot stove to learn from it.

[151] And I'm doing this and this is all natural to me. And it's why.

[152] I should be doing, and then all of a sudden what I start to find out is, in school and at home, I'm getting in trouble for that, and people are looking at me disapprovingly, and I'm getting negative words and a lot of intensity and saying, you're not being a good child, and I'm getting shaken heads and notes sent home, and the parents are getting on me. And this is a very dangerous thing, because this is when that child sometimes can be to internalize, I'm a bad kid.

[153] I'm a dumb kid.

[154] It's when they can also start to dig in and this sets a pattern that continues to happen all through school, into middle school because they never measure up to their parents or the school's standards and you do not want that because they will fight worse than them fighting you and digging in or the opposite they'll just shut down entirely is.

[155] now you have a child with really negative self -talk and you don't want that and and and what happens at home is same thing you start getting negative saying no all day long and you're worn out and your buttons are getting getting pushed and you'll begin saying negative things and then it begins forming in your child's mind oh you like my sister or brother more than you like me and dad's because I'm I did this, unfortunately.

[156] Dads begin pulling away from this child, kind of slightly withholding affection because this child needs to learn to step up and do things the right way or else they're not going to get that from me. And this is a downward spiral you do not want.

[157] And so I don't, look, I don't want to dramatize that, but it is absolutely true.

[158] And it's really important.

[159] so I encourage you, listen to this, so we'll keep going in a second.

[160] If you need help, I encourage you, the great thing is your child is young.

[161] I didn't start changing things in our home until Casey was about nine or nine and a half, and I almost ruined him and my relationship with him.

[162] And I'd encourage you, whatever it is that you need, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at CelebrateCallum .com.

[163] You can look on our website.

[164] We've got the Calm Parenting Package.

[165] I'd encourage you, get it.

[166] It's got so much stuff in there that will help you.

[167] If you want us to put together a customized package with just a few things for you, reach out to Casey and we can do it.

[168] We have a program just called for kids ages 2 to 7, like an entire program on that.

[169] So reach out to us and we can also, if you're a teacher, we can help train teachers in this too.

[170] But we want to help if you want to do phone consultation, whatever it is.

[171] But a couple more things for your younger kids.

[172] Sometimes younger kids don't always hear you.

[173] because they're caught up in their own world.

[174] And so they're so curious and focused on what they're curious about that they tune everything else out.

[175] And so I encourage you, cut through the clutter.

[176] Use nonverbals like music, like flicking lights on and off.

[177] You can also say something like this.

[178] This is cool for teachers or parents.

[179] Hey, you know what?

[180] That's really cool what you're doing right now.

[181] Why do you like that so much?

[182] And then transition with some energy to, hey, here's what I need some help with if you want to be a good helper with me or if you want to be a grown -up, right?

[183] So don't be afraid to do that.

[184] If they're in their own little world, sometimes you can look at them and say, I bet in your imagination right now, there are some really cool things going on.

[185] What are you thinking about?

[186] Because I'm really curious about it.

[187] See, you're affirming them for doing what's natural.

[188] You engage them.

[189] So they tell you then you can always say that's really cool.

[190] Hey, we'll pick up that later.

[191] We'll work on that later.

[192] We'll build with those Legos.

[193] We'll color.

[194] We'll do those crafts later.

[195] Right now, here's what I could really use some help with.

[196] See, it's a lot better transition than.

[197] Hey, you know that thing that you love doing that brings you a lot of pleasure and a lot of satisfaction?

[198] It's great for your growing brain.

[199] Stop it right now and come do something that you don't want to do.

[200] Right?

[201] Because that's really what we're usually saying.

[202] I can still get them to do what I want them to do.

[203] It's just a change in how I approach it.

[204] But that also goes back to the first thing we mentioned that the young child's job is not to be productive or efficient.

[205] Well, Kirk, you know, one day they're going to have to exist in the real world.

[206] Yeah, one day they will.

[207] But not at two or three or four or five or six or seven.

[208] Okay, I can get them to put their shoes on.

[209] We can make things a challenge.

[210] I can get them to do that.

[211] but don't don't be so far out in the few well i'm just really concerned that he's not going to be able keep a job he doesn't have to keep a job okay he's six okay he's not applying for jobs yet so don't project out in the future your child's going to be oh look you're this just hit me here's what's going to get your child and and make life very difficult not an inability at age six to be obedient and do everything you want them to do and follow through on everything.

[212] What's really going to hinder them in life is that negative self -talk and that squashing that curiosity and beginning to internalize that I'm incapable, I'm a bad kid.

[213] That's what I want to be on guard at this age about, not about how efficient and productive they are getting stuff done that's largely arbitrary that we're just choosing for them.

[214] right so here's another one oh this is from the no BS program this is awesome I'll save you some time strong will little child is not going to pick up his or her toys alone they're going to dump 43 ,000 little things on the floor and you're going to say honey you need to pick that up honey if you don't pick that up I'm going to take it away and I'm going to take it to goodwill and I'm going to give it away and they will just get up and walk away they don't care I will tell you because we've worked with a million families I will tell you you are going to be down on your hands and knees, picking up little toys that you didn't dump out, wondering, is your child ever going to be responsible in life?

[215] And are we giving in?

[216] Because what are we teaching this child that if they dump their things out, they don't pick them up?

[217] That's what you're going to be thinking.

[218] And you're probably going to be swearing under your breath.

[219] But what I want you to know is that's just the way it works.

[220] And you can fight that if you want.

[221] I don't have any problem with saying, look, if you don't pick up your toys, I'm going to take them to goodwill, or I'm going to put them in a bag and put them in their trunk and you're in the garage and you're not going to get them anymore.

[222] Fine, do it.

[223] But you're going to find that a lot of those things don't work with these kids.

[224] And so just get down on your hands and knees and make up a work song with them and work along with them and enjoy them.

[225] But just know, that's what happens.

[226] Sensory needs.

[227] I'm running out of time here.

[228] Most of your kids, many of your little kids have sensory needs.

[229] They seek that sensory pressure so you'll notice.

[230] them bumping up against things, constantly touching, grabbing at someone passing by, hitting even being too rough with a new baby.

[231] You have to proactively meet these kids' sensory needs.

[232] I want all families with little kids to have an obstacle course, a cheap little one that you build in the backyard in the basement somewhere where they have to do physical activities to crawl under things, climb over things, pull on rope, push, shovel mulch, carry heavy objects.

[233] I don't care.

[234] Have them do this.

[235] The treasure hunts, gymnastics, swimming, martial arts as they get older, very, very, very helpful to work off some of this and make their bodies just feel settled.

[236] It is so helpful.

[237] And then what we do is when they get upset and start to get physical, we lead them to one of these physical activities that they actually enjoy because that actually helps them process their emotions and their frustration.

[238] So the final thing I will encourage you with is enjoy them.

[239] Enjoy these little kids.

[240] I know they can be irritating and non -productive and annoying and it can get under your skin.

[241] Well, good.

[242] We use that as a clue to identify your triggers, right?

[243] And the fact that you have control issues and you're too rigid because you are the compliant child, right?

[244] And stop letting this child control you because you have toddlers who, you have little kids who are controlling you because they push your buttons.

[245] You need to work on that yourself and you and your spouse need to get on the same page.

[246] Otherwise as they grow older, they will exploit that and it will be miserable.

[247] And then you're going to find out as I talk about in the other podcast, you're going to be that couple who was so full of promise with the young little kids and it was going to be so great.

[248] And then later on, you will have been married eight, 10, 15 years with older kids and you will have grown apart as a couple, work on that now.

[249] If we can help you reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at CelebrateC -C -C -C -C -C -C -Lomcom, go to CelebrateColm .com.

[250] You will find we have big sale on the Calm Parenting Package.

[251] If we can put together a special package for you, let us know we can do it within your budget, but we're here to help.

[252] Enjoy those little kids, and we'll talk to you soon.

[253] Let us know how we can help you, okay?

[254] Love you all.

[255] Bye -bye.