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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Go, bye.
[16] Hello.
[17] Hello.
[18] And welcome to the minisode.
[19] It's where we read your stuff back to you.
[20] sometimes it's hometown murders lately it's not of my favorite murder this is how we do it this is how we do it so we're in gonna be in new york in brooklyn or manhattan and brooklyn and boston -ish uh for a tour so here's some hometowns from there thank you georgia take it away um this one made me laugh so hard okay the subject line is my husband found a hand in the Gwanis Canal on the 4th of July.
[21] Love it already.
[22] In parentheses, lighthearted.
[23] Love that.
[24] Dear MFM family, a few years ago, my husband and I were visiting friends in Brooklyn for the 4th of July.
[25] As my husband and his friend were walking over the Gwanis Canal on their way to get groceries, his friend started telling him about the cesspool that is the Gwanis Canal.
[26] I don't even know it.
[27] Our friend explained that it was the most polluted waterway in the country with numerous instances of waste, raw sewage, and human bodies being...
[28] dumped in the canal.
[29] As they got about halfway across, my husband, an internal medicine doctor, that seems made up, said, dude, is that a hand?
[30] Oh, my God.
[31] They looked down and into the bubbling, yes, bubbling water.
[32] Ew.
[33] And they saw the fingertips from a hand bobbing in the water looking like it was trying to climb out.
[34] Oh, my God.
[35] Being the calm men that they were, they started freaking the fuck out and calling all the authorities they could think of, 911 fire department, local police precinct Coast Guard.
[36] Being that it was the 4th of July, by the time the numerous authorities arrived, quite a crowd had gathered.
[37] The various departments roped off everything and then consulted with my husband and his friend and each other.
[38] Then the one who clearly was in charge, I picture him as Andy Sipowitz, said, yep, we got a hand right there.
[39] And then he turned to the department rookie, patting him on the back and said, you my friend, suiting up the rookie got into his wetsuit and slowly made his way into the canal clearly not happy to be swimming in the water that had gonorrhea in it he swam for a bit using a pole to try and retrieve the body after a few minutes of poking and pulling a mannequin arm shoots 20 feet in the air all the officers groan and start to head on to more urgent crimes sip wits pats my husband on the back and says don't worry about it we had nothing to do today anyway The next day we found the rest of our Vic at the Brooklyn free flea market where someone was selling a mannequin that was missing one arm picture attached.
[40] Stephen was fucking with his thing, meaning I knew we had a photo, but before I knew it was a mannequin.
[41] And I was like, I don't want to see a hand in a fucking thing.
[42] Look at those two hot bitches holding that hand.
[43] Oh, yeah.
[44] Hi, me. Good job.
[45] I fully realize I'm throwing my husband under the bus with this story, but That's what you get.
[46] When you think you found a dead body and you don't call your murdering a wife to come and watch.
[47] Right.
[48] That's hilarious.
[49] Stay sexy and don't go swimming in the Guana's Canal, Melissa.
[50] Oh, my gosh.
[51] Love that.
[52] Let's go swimming in the Guana's Canal this weekend.
[53] That's amazing.
[54] That's a good one.
[55] Okay.
[56] This one's called NYC found in wall slash murder closet.
[57] Yes.
[58] It says, this is how she opens it.
[59] You guys.
[60] That's great.
[61] All right.
[62] you guys back in February of this year I made some big girl moves and bought an apartment it was it is tiny it's built in the 1950s hadn't been renovated since the late 1970s well that sounds amazing when I bought it my family would joke either one of the previous owners had bodies hidden in the walls or it was used to shoot porn oh they had covered all the walls in brick paneling oh you they random floor tile wood paneling and awful wallpaper and it also covered it cover cover cover cover the near -perfect wood floors and beige carpeting.
[63] Needless to say, it needed a ton of work.
[64] While working on renovations in the apartment one weekend, my mother and I had gotten to work on the hall closets that had been lined with brick -themed contact paper.
[65] I've seen that shit.
[66] And blored with parquet linoleum.
[67] Yes.
[68] No joke.
[69] My fucking style.
[70] What's parquet mean?
[71] I think it's just shitty plastic -y.
[72] Like, you know, like, it's like tiles, but it's like plastic tiles.
[73] Oh, yes, yes, yes.
[74] So it looks like tiles.
[75] Okay, got it.
[76] But it's not tiles.
[77] As I pulled some of the linoleum up in the closet, I was hard to say.
[78] I was working and I saw something small and silver roll out from under the molding wall and into the middle of the closet.
[79] At first I thought nothing of it and went to keep peeling, but then shortly realized all caps, it's a goddamn bullet casing that had just rolled out of my apartment wall.
[80] Fuck.
[81] Of course I picked it up right away, and then she writes, but why?
[82] to show my mother and she just said huh that's weird throw it in the garbage I don't know why she's from Wisconsin or something and continued peeling the linoleum from her closet I almost took her advice but then noticed the big brown slash red stain on the floor where the bullet had rolled earlier my mother still could not care less so I took a picture to send to everyone I knew and asked their advice they all said I should call the police not involve the super in case he was involved and sell the apartment immediately since it was probably haunted in the end I did not tell the super.
[83] I did not sell the apartment, but I left a non -emergency voicemail at my local NYPD precinct.
[84] They never called me back, but then I had a friend with a hookup, look up my address and said there had been no crimes reported for my apartment during the past 10 years, and the stain in the picture I had sent them probably wasn't blood.
[85] Yeah, right.
[86] I'm not 100 % sure I believe them, but I haven't been able to find any proof that something violent did happen in my tiny apartment, and I have lovingly named the ghost who mysteriously moved a can of coconut oil across my kitchen counter, Salvatore.
[87] Oh, shit.
[88] I still have the bullet, and people have suggested making either a nice wall plaque for it or to make a piece of jewelry.
[89] I can't wait to see you guys in Brooklyn on the 5th.
[90] Love you all.
[91] SSDGM and stay out in the murder closet, Chelsea.
[92] Chelsea, you've made a terrible error.
[93] I can't believe.
[94] First of all, saying there's no overt evidence of something violent happening, but, and yet you already named that there's 17 layers of shit.
[95] shit wallpaper and paneling and stuff all over the walls.
[96] Like, how would you know until you pull some stuff down?
[97] Here's the thing.
[98] There's still a bloodstain and a shell casing.
[99] That means they never told the cops about the violent crazy thing that happened there.
[100] You know what I mean?
[101] There would be no report.
[102] There is no record of it because they put vinyl fucking siting on it.
[103] It's a closet secret.
[104] What are you doing?
[105] Move out.
[106] I bet you could sell it for so much more now.
[107] But you know what's very funny about both of those stories is like the NYC police are just like you know that they that call comes and they're just like yeah delete you know every morning they get in there's 500 voice mails and some of them are just screaming um okay I like this one it's the subject line is murders and treasure cute dear Karen Georgia and Stephen I've lived in Greenpoint Brooklyn for 30 years oh shit it's been it's always been pretty safe the worst things ever to happen here are usually accidents with the exceptions um being homeless guys getting attacked and one guy being found buried under a pile of Christmas trees and leaves with an I'm missing one year.
[108] That's horrifying.
[109] Jesus.
[110] I did find lots of treasure though since the neighborhood is so old.
[111] Apparently even the entirety of McGinnis Boulevard, which connects us to Manhattan and downtown Brooklyn, was once a row of houses that were demolished and just built over.
[112] So all of the basements are still intact under the roads.
[113] Thousands of rats were lived down there for decades and eventually started hanging out in the trees in the park by my house at night.
[114] God, can you, rat trees.
[115] Rat trees, dude.
[116] Like, rat trees.
[117] Rat trees.
[118] You're just strolling along, whistling, because you're always whistling in the park at night.
[119] And then boom, there's a rat just hits your shoulder.
[120] I don't want rats to live in trees.
[121] I mean, it's just a reality that we have to face as new New Yorkers.
[122] People finally wanted to get rid of them once they started showing up in the park.
[123] I forget how, but they finally got rid of them somehow in the 30s.
[124] I bet it wasn't clean.
[125] I bet it wasn't a good one.
[126] I bet it had to do with bats that had nails taped to the end of the bats.
[127] I bet it was a bloody mafia hit.
[128] Yeah.
[129] I also found massive trash bags full of misty brand cigarettes and a chain link enclosure in the park when I was 11 or 12 years old.
[130] Nice.
[131] Fine.
[132] Maybe it was a drop off.
[133] I still have no idea, but my friend and I each dragged an entire trash bag through the park into the playground and presented our discoveries to our parents.
[134] My mother scolded us and told me to put it back.
[135] My friend's mom yelled at him to quickly fetch his brother and they promptly left the park for two weeks with both bags in their possession.
[136] They're like, get those cigarettes, get them down into the basement.
[137] Get them, your uncles will sell these.
[138] I found an old sword once.
[139] I used it as a baseball bat.
[140] I used it as a baseball bat to strike a volleyball and the blade flew off the hilt and whizzed right by past my friend's face.
[141] Oh, my God.
[142] Nothing found in any walls, but my fire escape does have a sign that reads, anyone placing an encumbrance shall be fined $10.
[143] Very cute.
[144] And the original hallway door said, no beggars or peddlers allowed, until it was replaced a week ago.
[145] Not sure if any of these stories are interesting enough, but I'm a big fan, and MFM is the one podcast.
[146] I replay over and over once I've listened to everything that week.
[147] Michael.
[148] Michael, what a great, no, that's exactly.
[149] exactly what kind of story we want.
[150] I've had bags of cigarettes.
[151] Bags of cigarettes.
[152] Sign me up.
[153] I love it.
[154] Where, what, all of it.
[155] I want to know everything.
[156] Also, I want to, I wonder if this, I am fascinated.
[157] There was a neighborhood and I don't know where I was.
[158] I just know that it was 6 a .m. one morning and I was on my way to the airport.
[159] I've probably told you the story already.
[160] But I was on my way to O 'Hare and the cab driver didn't want to get on the freeway.
[161] I'm sure it was Monday morning or Sunday morning.
[162] So he was trying to avoid the traffic So he took surface streets A lot of the way there They do that You see the coolest fucking houses You see the coolest neighborhoods And at one point We drove down the street And I was looking up the side streets And as I was looking And the neighborhood was getting kind of worse and worse And the houses were getting more run down Some of these streets looked maybe abandoned Or we did I couldn't tell it was going on And as we passed one street a pack of like 30 stray dogs came around the corner and was running up the street but it was like a five second movie like I saw it and then we were past it and the view was blocked man New York's the coolest fucking place it's the coolest fucking place you can go though I just even the houses are I just from every time that happens to me I'm just like staring out the window because it's so New York yes it's like exactly what you picture New York to be like as a kid yeah and it's exactly what it's like it's the funniest thing is California is so, you know, comparatively really spread out and like houses are very new.
[163] Everything's new.
[164] Everything's new.
[165] Everything's new.
[166] It's separate.
[167] It's set away from the road.
[168] New York, you walk down the street and can look into people's apartment windows.
[169] Yeah.
[170] It's my favorite.
[171] It's the best.
[172] Okay.
[173] I'm not going to tell you the name of this one.
[174] Okay.
[175] Hi, Karen, Georgia, Stephen and Pets.
[176] First off, love you all and love the podcast and the mental health work you do.
[177] Thank you.
[178] Um, recently I was having dinner with my parents and I was talking about my obsession with true crime.
[179] My mom blurted out.
[180] Haven't you heard about, haven't you heard about, the time your dad slept in blanks bed.
[181] I'm not going to tell you what I'm okay now my dad is a small town military Republican insert eye roll here man so you can only imagine the look on my face when she said this my dad explained that in the early 80s he was stationed in Germany working as a medic for the US Army when he got to his bunk his bunkmate started to tell him about how weird the guy was that used to stay in that bed the overall vibe was that the guy was a complete weirdo and let's just say no one was sad that he moved out a few years later my dad comes home and and whiff comes home and him and mom get married.
[182] One day he was watching the news and he sees a familiar face.
[183] One of the commanders he worked with in Germany talking about Jeffrey Dahmer.
[184] Oh.
[185] Turns out my dad replaced Jeffrey Dahmer as the medic when he was discharged and took over his bunk.
[186] Oh, no. Can you fucking believe that?
[187] Wish I was going to see you in Medford, but unfortunately my sister bought tickets for her and her friend and didn't include me before you sold out.
[188] Sisters, am I right?
[189] SSDGM, Mel.
[190] Oh, my God.
[191] that's so good that's i mean first of all i was trying to guess and i thought it was going to be the guy that um in chicago that met richard's back that killed all those nurse nursing students um but this is the 80s so then did he when did he kill people he went home and killed people after this yeah i think it was in the 90s yeah i think it was like 10 years later or so but just that idea that he that was his bunk too and they were all like the guy that just left was so fucking creepy, like everyone knew.
[192] Of course they did.
[193] Yeah.
[194] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[195] Absolutely.
[196] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[197] Exactly.
[198] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[199] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[200] That's right.
[201] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[202] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[203] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[204] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[205] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[206] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[207] Connect with customers inline and online.
[208] Do retail right with Shopify.
[209] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[210] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[211] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[212] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[213] Goodbye.
[214] Hey, this is exciting.
[215] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[216] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[217] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone, who killed Saz, and where they've really after Charles?
[218] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[219] This season murder hits close to home.
[220] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[221] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[222] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[223] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?
[224] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Davey, Joy, Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[225] Only murders the building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[226] Goodbye.
[227] All right, the subject line of this is mid -90s.
[228] Hello, funny humans slash adorable pets.
[229] I grew up in the not -so -scarry suburb of Long Island in the mid -1990s.
[230] My sister got a college internship working at Disney World in Orlando, Florida, and we took alternating trips down to visit her.
[231] My father and then 13 -year -old brother were away visiting her, and my mother and I, age 16, were home alone for the first time.
[232] To preface, we lived on a block designed with all the same ranch style homes, but in the late 80s, my incredibly talented father spent his evenings building a 700 square foot extension on our home, which really made it stand out on the block.
[233] It was targeted for burglaries at least three times that I was aware of while we weren't home.
[234] They typically break in through the sliding glass door, and one time they broke a window.
[235] My father was super into the newest technology, so the house was always secured with the best alarm service.
[236] offered at the time, and the burglar would normally trip the alarm and bail before getting away with anything.
[237] The extension was basically one great room, which we called the big room, with huge lovely windows, a sliding glass door and huge skylights on the pitched roof.
[238] It was a dream of natural light during the day, but left you feeling quite vulnerable at night.
[239] So my brother and father had been out of town for a couple days when my mom and I thought it would be a good idea to settle in for the night and watch the movie seven together in the big room.
[240] The alarm wasn't set since we were at home, and around halfway through the movie, there was a strange knock at the door.
[241] Can you imagine?
[242] It had to be around 10 p .m. We both looked at each other like, this isn't right, and together walked upstairs to the front door.
[243] Sadly, it was one of those doors with no window, so we couldn't see who was on the stoop from the other windows of the house.
[244] So my mother cracked the door and was greeted by two.
[245] large middle -aged men.
[246] One guy said, is your husband home?
[247] And my mother very wisely said, he's just up picking up our son.
[248] I'll be right back.
[249] Can I help you with something?
[250] And then they said they'd wait to speak to him and just kind of stood there.
[251] My mom closed the door, locked it, ran downstairs to the nearest silent panic button provided by the alarm company, and by the time the police got there, they were gone.
[252] The next day, our neighbor who delivered our newspaper, came to the door to collect the weekly fee, and we told her about the odd visit.
[253] she asked what they look like and she said that she had seen them for at least two nights sitting in their car on the block while she was delivering the papers at 4 a .m. So creepy.
[254] They clearly noticed that my father's car had been missing from the driveway for a couple days and we're staking out the house for who knows what.
[255] Very home alone if you ask me. Yeah, that's exactly home alone.
[256] That was in the email.
[257] I'm so glad my mother, one tough lady born and raised in the Brooklyn Projects had the right instinct to only open the door, crack, lie about his whereabouts, and press that silent panic button.
[258] We called the police to relay what our newspaper lady said.
[259] They sent a patrol car to patrol the block for the next two nights while my father was still out of town.
[260] The men never came back, but I could never finish watching that movie, and still did this day, haven't seen it all the way through.
[261] Oh, it's so good.
[262] You have to watch it.
[263] There's twist.
[264] You have to watch it with an armed policeman sitting next to you.
[265] That's right.
[266] Ever since then, I've also had a hard time being in that room alone at night, I bet.
[267] And after moving out when I was 20, have been forced to sleep there on numerous occasions while visiting.
[268] It just gives me the creeps.
[269] SSDGM, set your house alarms and get a front door with a window, soos.
[270] Yeah, but if you have a window, then they can break it and then open the doorknob.
[271] Not if there's bars.
[272] That's right.
[273] Or a peep -pole, something.
[274] Yeah.
[275] P -poles.
[276] Let's go pee -poles.
[277] Peoples, people.
[278] People, people.
[279] That's the one.
[280] And there it is.
[281] And that's the tagline that we end on.
[282] Send us your stories at my favorite murder at Gmail.
[283] Any fucking weird.
[284] Ghosts.
[285] We haven't had a lot of good ghost stories lately.
[286] I know.
[287] We love them all.
[288] Let's get some ghost stories.
[289] Let's get some ghost stories going.
[290] All right.
[291] Stay sexy.
[292] And don't get murdered.
[293] Goodbye.
[294] Elvis.
[295] Do you want a cookie?
[296] Ah.