Why I'm Glad A Kid Ignored His Parents

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[22] So you're in public and maybe your child is doing something that you think is disrespectful.

[23] Maybe they're not following the rules exactly as they should be.

[24] And it gets embarrassing and it's hard because you're used to being judged.

[25] Well, how do you handle that situation?

[26] I want to really delve into this because sometimes I think that our expectations of our kids and ourselves are completely wrong and it leads to really bad consequences for the relationship, for the child's view of himself, and we need to fix that.

[27] So I want to talk about that on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[28] So welcome.

[29] This is Kirk Martin, Bounders Celebrate Calm.

[30] You can find us at celebrate calm .com if you need help talk to our son who frequently embarrassed us in public which by the way was not his issue it was our issue because if we got embarrassed that was our own immaturity right allowing the opinions of another person usually judgmental to determine or change how we act toward our child that was our issue but you talk to casey his name's uh his email is casey c -a -s -se -y celebrate calm dot com tell them all about your child it'll bring back memories of his child he'll be like, yep, I was pretty much your child, and my dad, mom, pretty much like you guys are doing, and he'll help you out.

[31] We'll both help you out.

[32] This is our family mission.

[33] So let me tell you this story.

[34] So we're at a live event.

[35] And by the way, if you want us to come speak at your school, church, synagogue, mosque adoption, foster care conference, homeschool, let us know.

[36] We'll come and speak.

[37] So we're at a live event.

[38] And there's this boys about age 10 there.

[39] And so during the and toward the end of the evening, he's off to the side of the auditorium crawling across the seats of chairs on his knees, right?

[40] And I had gotten to know this family before the workshop because I always talked to people and they had been aware of our stuff, had our programs.

[41] And so I noticed his parents a little irritated, anxious, a little embarrassed.

[42] And so I stopped my presentation and made this point.

[43] I pointed and I said, hey, see this young man over here?

[44] this is what he's supposed to be doing.

[45] Kids are supposed to be curious.

[46] It would be weird if a kid sat perfectly still for two hours through an adult presentation, especially after sitting still at school all day.

[47] Right.

[48] And I know his good parents sitting up front, which they were, I know they're concerned.

[49] They're probably irritated.

[50] They're self -conscious.

[51] Right.

[52] And they're shooting their son the evil eye.

[53] prompting him to stop and come sit down.

[54] Because look, in the middle of a calm presentation in front of the calm guy, they can't get up and like scream at their child.

[55] So they're like trying to get him like, come sit down.

[56] And what I said was, I'm glad this young man is ignoring his parents right now because he isn't doing anything wrong.

[57] In fact, we need to affirm this child, this young man for some really good choices that he's making.

[58] Look what he didn't do.

[59] And by the way, that's a really great formulation sometimes to get perspective when you get a call from school because your child butt in line in the cafeteria or wanted to go first and they're like, oh, well, just think what he didn't do.

[60] He didn't come up and stab some kid in the back with scissors and stomp on him to get his lunch first, right?

[61] Like, think with perspective, think what they didn't do because it could almost always be a lot worse, right?

[62] And I like the formulation of it would be weird, right, if he was perfectly still.

[63] So think what he didn't do.

[64] He didn't get up and run across the stage.

[65] He's not jumping from chair to chair on his feet, right?

[66] Putting his feet on the chairs.

[67] he's not hurtling over the chairs like my son would have done he's not making noises or interrupting one he's not even bugging his parents saying mom dad when do we get to leave this boring talk come on this is stupid he wasn't doing any of that he moved over to the side away from everyone else toward the back he knew he needed to move and so he did it in a respectful way but we miss that oftentimes, don't we?

[68] Because we have wrong expectations of our kids and ourselves, right?

[69] And so what I said was, I'd like to take a moment and give a round of applause to this young man for quietly, meeting his sensory needs, getting some exercise in a respectful way without interrupting anyone.

[70] And I want to give a round of applause to these parents for, raising such a smart, respectful young man. But see, that's not what you usually hear, is it?

[71] That whole scene could have ended differently because a lot of people at school and other situations are often like, what do you usually hear?

[72] Why can't your son sit still?

[73] Can you believe he's crawling over the chairs during the presentation?

[74] Haven't you haven't, don't you guys know how to discipline your son?

[75] And you hear all that.

[76] You get judged.

[77] And after a while, it just becomes oppressive to you, right?

[78] And it's overwhelming.

[79] And after a while, the strong -willed child just tunes everything out or becomes very defiant.

[80] Because all he ever hears is the negative from everybody, what he's doing wrong.

[81] And no one stops to notice all the good choices he's made.

[82] And if you don't change that, that child will grow up and be truly defiant and very angry.

[83] So here, a few steps I would take.

[84] One, normalize your child's behavior.

[85] I mentioned this before.

[86] I like this formulation.

[87] It would be weird if toddlers didn't make messes and stick things in their mouths all the time.

[88] Why?

[89] Because that's their job description.

[90] To be curious and ruin your agenda and get into things.

[91] Because every day they wake up and the whole world is new to them.

[92] It would be weird if siblings didn't fight much of the time.

[93] Why?

[94] because since the beginning of time siblings have fought just like if you are stuck together with another person for a long period of time i your spouse you will end up fighting and arguing right it's normal it would be weird if kids didn't act impulsively in school and try to make the other kids laugh course they're going to do that look you want you want your nine -year -old being impulsive.

[95] You don't want your 35 -year -old spouse being impulsive, right?

[96] They're supposed to be impossible when they're young.

[97] It's how they learn.

[98] It would be weird if middle school kids didn't do the minimal work necessary just to get by.

[99] What middle school child comes home every day and is like, mom, dad, I'm really motivated.

[100] I've got a vision for my future.

[101] I'm hoping you give me some extra chores because I ask the teacher to give me some extra homework.

[102] See, that would be odd, right?

[103] But it's very normal for middle school kids to kind of shut down a little bit, because you're going through all the hormonal things and all the changes.

[104] It would be weird if your teenager said, mom, dad, you guys have so much wisdom.

[105] Could you continue to lecture me every day for at least 15 or 30 minutes after school every day?

[106] Because I'd love to soak up all of that hard -earned wisdom, right?

[107] That would be weird.

[108] So you normalize, things so you normalize expectations.

[109] I'm not saying you have to take it.

[110] Look, if your child is disrespectful towards you, you don't have to take that.

[111] You can demonstrate self -respect, and I've shown you how to do that in plenty of podcasts.

[112] You can give consequences.

[113] You can let them know that's not the way you're going to talk to me. And if you think you're going to talk to me like that, and I'm going to run a meal service and a taxi service and laundry service.

[114] Yeah, not happening, right?

[115] Of course, and I like this formulation, these words, of course kids are going to make bad choices.

[116] Of course, a child is going to sneak things into bed.

[117] Look, why wouldn't he?

[118] That's their job description.

[119] Right?

[120] And I'm trying to make it so that you don't get all freaked out about everything that a child does, that somehow they have integrity issues or you're a bad parent because your child tried to sneak something extra when that's built into human nature.

[121] Of course, they want to get away with things.

[122] Right?

[123] So stop getting so flustered and taking it so personal.

[124] normalize your child's behavior.

[125] Number two, adjust your expectations of your child and yourself.

[126] Otherwise, both you and your child will always feel like failures.

[127] And if it's one thing that I hear from people who download our programs, especially on that new app, because it's really hard to hear, is they will say, you made me actually feel like I'm a good parent.

[128] Like you understand what it's like for the kids, but you understand what it's like to be a parent of one of these kids and be judged for everything, and I actually feel like I have tools to enjoy my child again, right?

[129] And that's what I want for you.

[130] This is one of the primary action steps that I take.

[131] When I do phone consultations with parents, I help them simply identify what is important and what is not, because most of what we're focusing on isn't really the real issue.

[132] Number three, stop trying to change or fix things that don't need to be changed or fixed.

[133] Right?

[134] Sometimes we're reacting to things and we're just creating power struggles over issues that just don't matter.

[135] Right.

[136] Number four, stop pointing out everything your child is doing wrong or everything they could be doing better.

[137] Right.

[138] This is that classic, hey, nice job.

[139] But, see, as soon as you go to but, you just negated everything you said before and they won't hear any of it.

[140] And that's what crushes spirits, right?

[141] And you will, I guarantee your kids when they're older, they will end up saying, mom, dad, all I ever heard when I was a kid is all the things you weren't happy with, all the things I didn't do well enough, and you never really noticed the things that I did well.

[142] And that will really destroy your relationship, and it will destroy your child's confidence.

[143] So number five, start noticing what your child is already doing well.

[144] The reason you have a hard time with this is because it feels like you're letting them get away with all these other things and you're not.

[145] Right?

[146] And you're anxious because it's like, well, what if I noticed?

[147] but I don't point out all these things.

[148] Well, let me ask you a question.

[149] You've been lecturing and pointing things out that they've been doing wrong, literally for years, and it hasn't motivated your child, has it?

[150] So begin, right, begin noticing what they're doing well.

[151] You can even ask, what didn't they do wrong that they could have, right?

[152] I will just tell you, I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.

[153] Your kids will be more motivated when they feel like they have a chance to win, when they feel like you really understand them, that you're getting them, that you're noticing what they're already doing well.

[154] That night at that workshop, when I recognized that kid and said, this is what he's supposed to be doing.

[155] And look at all the good choices he's made.

[156] He calculated that, that he wasn't going to run across the chairs on his feet, but he did it on his knees, even though that's not as fun.

[157] It's not as comfortable.

[158] But he did that.

[159] And we have to recognize that.

[160] see that kid would be now way more motivated to do better and to listen to his parents because we've done that so let's make that our goal this week if you need help with it reach out to c a s eY at celebrate calm dot com let's know about your family we'll help you out if you need help financially with any of our programs just ask casey about that or just go online and get it we've got it on sale and it's cheaper than therapy i can guarantee you that and go through the programs let your kids listen to to the programs, they'll feel very understood.

[161] But if we can help you in any way, please let us know.

[162] Love you all.

[163] Bye -bye.